Original subtitles

Years of crushing my family in Pictionary will come in handy for this

missing dog flyer.

So the kid said the dog was like a dirty mop with big pointy ears, one eye, fur

like a firework. Anything about the tail?

Um, like a rat chewed it off.

Mm, uh-huh, uh-huh, that's helpful.

You know what else would be helpful?

Breed, size, weight.

Okay, right.

Perfect. Put it on every milk carton in America.

Picked up a real freak hit the park. I thought it was a crumpled up sweatshirt

until he licked me.

Huh.

Oh, Frank, stay still.

I'm gonna capture that look on your face.

Emily to Frank, just a gentle reminder that Shred and I are waiting for you to

RSVP to our official couples launch party.

What the hell is a couples launch party? You two aren't a celebrity tequila

brand. Tequila is out, Grandpa.

Sniffing moccas is back in.

It is.

It's a housewarming party. Our first chance to co-host as cohabitants. It's

tone setting for the entire relationship.

And that tone is elevated fun.

Tell them about the lasagna.

I'm making lasagna.

And there's that sparkling chemistry that Emily blew up her career for. Guys,

I'm a strong maybe. I'm going out with my cousin Rishi and his real estate

friends tonight.

What? You have to come. Party shirt Patel is my favorite Patel. Rishi's

thing is a booze cruise.

It's going to be epic.

And I promised myself one crazy story before mine and the kids get back.

I ate lasagna with coworkers is a pretty dynamic story.

I'm sorry, Patel, but you will give us an hour and a half at the party, so I

will see you there. Which brings us back to Frank.

Can't talk. Getting pulled over.

There actually really is a cop behind us. Pull over.

Just push your boobs together. It works every time. Cops pulling over animal

control. It's a good use of taxpayer dollars.

What's the problem, officer?

Yeah, I'm going to have to cite you for DWC.

Driving while checking loose.

See, this is why I wish I had a brother. Playful razzing, staging fake traffic

stops is a joke. This is good stuff. Don't.

Butter? Garlic?

Years of accumulated chicken grease? You son of a bitch, you have mom's pan.

And you have her dainty feet, so we're even.

Ooh, I'm sensing some new familial lore. Come on, lay it on me, fellas.

This pan has been seasoned by hundreds of family dinners.

And you're not only eating decades of built-up crust and chicken drippings,

you're eating history.

Okay. Not for nothing, when's the last time either of you boys had an

angiogram? And there's no way that dad gave you that pan.

He did give it to me because I'm his favorite.

Singleton Scotch is his favorite.

Okay, enjoy the drumstick, because it's the last succulent piece of mom you're

ever gonna have.

Oh, don't say that. Never say that.

Now I'm gonna give you a citation, because I can't.

I just have to get a pen from my cop car.

Don't go anywhere.

Okay,

control your mucking, please. Yeah.

So, are you going to Emily and Shred's thing tonight?

Oh, were people talking about their party in front of you? That's rude.

No, I'm invited.

Right, yeah.

No, of course, you would be.

Yes, I will be there.

Good, because you deserve a night off from raising that pig. Well, at least

your eye bags do.

That's so sweet. Thank you, Daisy.

Oh, relax.

It happens to all new moms. It happened to me, too. But you do tend to bounce

back quicker when you're young. Do you?

Yeah. So, what's the vibe like tonight? Like, should I bring a gift?

You know what?

Emily is so weird about gifts.

She's one of those people who's like, your presence is your present.

And she means it. Oh, that's nice. Well, I'm going to make sure my presence is

perfect and I got to go get these nails done. We literally have like seven hours

of work. You know what?

Okay.

Lasagna is officially cooking.

Yes, and...

Ice is officially cold.

The place looks so darn good.

Oh!

Right? Pretty sweet, huh? When you said I should get something of my own in

here, I knew just the thing. Yes, so cool. I'm so glad it didn't get lost in

the mood.

My favorite snowboarding bib? No way.

I mean, this is my guts and my glory.

Yeah, I think I see your actual guts.

Yeah, that's faceplant blood.

Oh, it's almost time, so I need you on snacks.

Snacks are done, baby.

Bam. Look at that.

Wow!

Okay, you know what might be nicer is if we weren't serving anything in its

original packaging.

Very classy. Now they'll think we baked the chips ourselves.

At the Cool Ranch.

People are here!

What? Dad, it's me.

Make it quick.

What, are you in the middle of something?

No.

You gave Mom's cast-iron pan to Patrick? I assume you did this out of advanced

senility? He wanted the pan. I gave him the pan.

But those chicken dinners are some of my favorite childhood memories.

That and the time you were in the hospital with the lung scare.

What do you want?

I want you to get the pan back from Patrick and then die. Sorry, I got lost

in the fantasy.

Just give me the pan.

I owed it to him. He's the one who fixed my porch.

Oh.

Well, I hope, like your lung, it collapses.

Okay, I'll see you for an hour at Christmas.

Luckily, I had another run after the crash, and I got a personal best.

Yeah, yeah, it's classic.

It is classic.

Okay, why don't you keep checking your watch? You just got here.

Relax, I'm here. I'm present. There's nowhere I'd rather be for the next 47

minutes. You promised us an hour and a half.

French roll and solo in the kitchen. I gotta go help the big dog get out of the

shell. All right.

Can you excuse me? I'm just gonna fix a little situation.

Okay.

Oh, sorry, these are decorative.

You can get one from the fridge.

Thanks for coming.

Hey, there he is. Welcome to my home.

One step closer to that truck 12 sleepover I've always dreamed of. I only

sleep over my hunting knife.

Hey, just saying. If you overindulge, I can pull out the air mattress for Emily.

What's up, my Peashaw dogs?

Coming to you live.

I'm on a human trafficking stakeout, so I got a couple hours.

But for those of you who have been following my journey with my dear mom's

cast iron pan... And the van pulled away.

I gotta go.

Uh, hold your family close.

Frank, if you're watching, suck it.

Just the man I was looking for.

I need you for a special mission.

I can't. I got my booze cruise.

Cover me while I sneak out. Wait, you got here ten minutes ago.

Don't ruin my Irish goodbye.

Wait, you think this party sucks?

Shut up!

What do you want? I need you to sneak into my brother's condo under the cover

of darkness, reclaim a family heirloom, and disappear without a trace. Fine.

But now everyone's looking at us.

Hey, friend, will you give this to Shred?

In three, two... Oh, boy!

Little girl Shred!

I am covered.

Patrick's on patrol, so he's either asleep on a steering wheel or fishing

his gun out of a gas station toilet. Let's just find the pan and we're out of

here. Feels like you really don't need me here, and we're 30 minutes from

anchors away. This is a two-man job.

Check out those cabinets.

Just as I suspected.

Booby-trapped. Patrick knew I was coming.

So you sacrificed me?

We're in this together.

Try that one.

Hi, Mommy.

Let's get it in go.

Imagine sharing a bunk bed with this maniac.

There you are.

Hey, I love your blaze. Oh, snap, that's the bookshelf from your work zoo.

Daisy, I'm so glad you could come.

So glad.

You can put your gift just on this table.

The gift table? Oh, yeah.

Wow, there's not a lot of space left on that thing. I know, we have the best

friends. Do you mind getting me something to drink? Oh, yeah, of course.

What are you drinking? We have everything.

Oh, I'm easy. Just a pina colada.

Uh-huh.

I might have to door dash a coconut, but I will get that. Okay.

What the hell? You told me no gifts. Did I say that?

Oh, you must have heard me wrong because you were too busy staring at my eye

bags.

Weak. Just like that weak-ass country you from.

Maybe. But at least I showed up with a thoughtful token of my love for the

happy couple.

Hustle up. You stole from your brother, but I stole from a cop. Relax.

Running will only attract attention.

Hey, is it just me or is that bar card obscuring my bib of glory? I mean, you

can't even see the bloodstains.

Um, yeah, actually, Victoria told me that putting it there would help with

the room flow, and she has put in her 10,000 hours of partying, so...

She just said it out of the blue like that? Yeah, she's a very random person.

Oh, look, it's my spin friend, Sarah. She's the one who wears the helmet to

class. Hey!

Hey!

Cool party, huh? Good people, good vibe.

Um, by any chance, did you tell Emily that she should move this bar cart here?

Hmm? No. I wouldn't even put this here. It's like cloaking up the space, so by

the time I get another drink, I'm, like, sober again.

Mm-hmm. That's interesting.

That's very interesting.

Just take an Uber, Patel. I'm not coming back.

Oh, this isn't Patel.

He got me, Frank.

Call my lawyer. He's an estate planner, but maybe he knows someone who can help.

Yeah, I've got your man, and I've already read him half his Miranda

rights, which is further than I usually get. So next, I take him downtown, and I

book him. Book him?

Frank, you gotta get me out of here!

Or we do a prisoner swap.

You give me the pan, I give you him.

I don't negotiate with terrorists.

What? No!

Negotiate! Trade my freedom for a pan!

No deal.

Patel, stay strong. The kingdom of chicken awaits you for your loyalty.

I'm gonna miss my booze cruise, you bastard.

Frank!

Buddy?

All available, officer. This is a ramping man with a baseball bat under

the Fairview Bridge.

This is Officer Shaw. I am responding.

You're gonna have some company back there, so hide your privates.

Trent. I need access to your wall safe. It's a one-bedroom apartment. I don't

have a wall safe. Dammit, man, I'm being chased by a lunatic cop.

You met him.

Hey, can I ask you something?

Usually this would be a Patel question, but he's been in the bathroom for a

while now.

Ooh, this could work.

I'm getting a weird vibe from Emily, almost like I'm crashing my own party.

Do you think I should confront it head-on and say something to her, or

would that just make it worse? I need you to be quiet.

Okay, yeah, you're right.

I don't need to bring this up right now. It's a good call. You're very wise,

Frank.

Oh, now I'm just a casual tennis lover looking for a midnight pickup match.

Hey, time for presents.

Oh, come on, guys.

Patel, we're doing presents.

Start with that one in the middle.

Oh, okay, great.

Oh.

Yeah.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Oh, my gosh.

Thank you so much, Daisy.

What? Wait, sorry, what? Of course.

And I have a little story that goes with it, but I'll tell it to you later.

No, no, no. Share it now. Share it right now. Hold on. Well, my grandmother died.

But before she did, she taught me how to knit. And even when she lost her ability

to speak, we communicated through yarn.

That's obviously a load of BS.

Victoria, please. She's talking about her late grandmother. Just let her

finish. It's okay. I'm done.

Daisy, that story and this gift are so beautiful. You poor thing, come here.

What the hell is this?

Seattle PD Department.

Don't be alarmed. Make a hole.

I'm hunting a petty thief. He looks like an ugly, stretched out version of me.

Sorry, Frank. He broke me.

You've been broken for years.

Surrender the pan or you're under arrest.

I have no idea where it is.

Not a clue.

Oh, you can't just storm in here and upset my party.

Your party? Wow, here I was thinking it was our party. No, yeah, of course, our

party. No, not of course. Everything that's me is being obstructed by bar

carts. Okay, Trent, this is really not the time right now. Oh, like your balls

are so charming to look at? Teams of artists design chip bags. It's a good

career, or at least it used to be. I'm sorry, did you get that bag out of the

trash can?

Oh, yeah.

Didn't you go and sit off?

Don't you do that. Don't you eat. Think about it.

Dig in, everyone.

Who did I move in with?

Oh, my God, the lasagna.

Great, it's ruined. My famous lasagna is ruined. Our famous lasagna is ruined.

Well, I say we call it.

Hey, stop.

Stop. Hey, that's enough.

That's enough.

Hey, that's enough.

Thanks to you two, I missed Rishi's booze cruise.

I'm tired. I'm hungry.

And now I don't even get lasagna. So here's what's going to happen. You're

going to make some of that transcendent chicken that neither of you can stop

talking about.

It is the least you can do.

Well, the least I can do is just head home and go to bed. But if it helps,

I'll make some mom's chicken.

Do you want to help?

I'll get the stool.

Well, hold on. Uncuff me.

You owe me a blanket and an apology.

Oh, no. You stick your finger in the cage and you're bound to get bit. I bet

your granny isn't even dead. No, she is.

Oh, I am sorry about that. Thank you, because she felt like hell. Okay, well,

don't go thinking that this is the end of it. It's not. I have like five

retributions in my head and some of them are scary even for me. Why are you so

set on being my enemy?

You're the last person at work that's still mean to me. I disagree.

We're all mean to you.

Not anymore.

Emily invited me to this party, and even Franklin used some of his bear spray

when I ran out during Fleet Week. Okay, well, it's not like you're nice to me.

You see that I have eye bags.

Grow up.

You bully me all the time.

It's just really hard to show up to work every day when you know someone doesn't

want you there.

Four minutes.

Flip. I don't trust time. I trust my finger.

Not there yet. Okay, you're gonna burn it. You always burn it. Mom had one

rule.

I'm fighting on chicken night. Exactly, so stop saying dumb stuff that makes me

want to hit you.

There.

Kind of amazing how she did it.

30-minute soul crime. It's not exactly earth-shattering. Keeping us all

together. Or at least from killing each other.

You remember that everyday picnic?

Patrick Shaw, we do not play duck-duck-goose with knives.

A running tackle.

Very impressive for a mother of five. And still had time to pack little notes

in our lunchboxes. Those notes got me through a very delayed puberty.

Sometimes she would just draw hearts, and I told people it was for my

girlfriend in Oregon.

She was the best.

Ah, screw it.

I'm done quarreling. You take the pan.

Thanks.

Mama's boy.

Oh, shoot.

You got oil on your shirt. My gun's loaded, Frank.

Accidents happen.

Wow. Yeah.

You know, we could move the bar cart.

Yeah, Victoria really steered you wrong there, didn't she?

Okay, I'm sorry for hiding the bib, but honestly, this splatter of nose blood is

a really nice pop of color.

And you hate the bib.

Yeah, I hate it, but...

i should have just told you that and i just well i think i'm used to having

things like exactly how i like them and i'm not used to living with someone well

there's always an adjustment period is there i wouldn't know i mean you're

technically the first guy i've ever lived with really yeah i mean i've had

serious relationships i just always kept my own place oh i'm honored you know

Moving in, there's always a learning curve. Like Camilla, she was so messy,

and she hated bras.

So when she got home, shirt off, bra off, sometimes pants off, clothes

everywhere. Okay, you can stop.

Okay. The point is, there's roommate issues, and there's relationship issues.

And I think tonight we just had a roommate issue.

Oh.

Okay. Good.

Well, you'll just have to be patient with me as I adjust to having my first

ever roommate.

Okay. So I will wait till tomorrow to tell you I don't think we need to iron

our sheets.

Oh, but we do, babe.

But why?

So I'm scrambling through an unlocked patio door into a stranger's mudroom,

police sirens to my left, growling dogs to my right. I've got nowhere to go.

Why is everyone so quiet?

Because we're listening to you.

Yeah, this story's insane, dude. My story? Yes.

About me?

Holy crap, I finally got a great story.

I didn't even get to the part where the bridge maniac tried to bite me.

All right, everyone.

Here we go.

That's good.

All right, guys. As we said in the Shaw family, shut up and eat, you jackasses.

Lovely. Lovely.

Oh, a toast.

To Emily and Shred.

and everybody else who was brave enough to remain at this party that could not

have gone more wrong.

And Daisy is here too.

I just wanted to apologise to you for continuing to be mean to

you long after everybody else was.

It's very nice to have you at this non-work event.

Aw, thanks, B. It's almost as good as a real present.

Um, I was gonna say a little speech, but, Shred, I think you should do the

honors.

Rub-a-dub-dub, let's eat some grub. Hey!

I don't believe that we've been introduced.

You couldn't handle me.

You might be surprised.

Come down to the police station and watch me climb a rope.

Nope. You two do not get to talk. Oh, now I see why they call you Seattle's

finest.

Ugh.

Lost my appetite.

All right, Shaw boys, it took a little elbow grease, but I finally got all the

gunk off Mama's pan.

No! Did I mess up? I used an extra powerful cleaner and ate through, like,

three dish gloves.

Well, you can re-season it, fill the flavor up. Should only take 40, maybe 50

years.

Better start right away.

You killed my already dead mother.

The old switcheroo.

Good job, Fred.

You earned this.

Best part of you.

Yes! Don't miss the Special Forces finale Thursday on FOX.