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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,280 # You're a hippie 2 00:00:04,320 --> 00:00:08,160 # You're a nothing 3 00:00:08,200 --> 00:00:11,280 # You're a yuppie 4 00:00:12,840 --> 00:00:15,000 # You're a something 5 00:00:17,040 --> 00:00:18,960 # You're the wasteland... # 6 00:00:19,000 --> 00:00:21,640 {\an1}LAUGHTER 7 00:00:21,680 --> 00:00:24,320 # Built on the quicksand 8 00:00:24,360 --> 00:00:27,440 COMEDIAN: Although, actually, I have to say, 9 00:00:27,480 --> 00:00:30,160 I don't think it's the most fun you can have with your clothes on. 10 00:00:30,200 --> 00:00:32,840 It's fucking with your clothes on. LAUGHTER 11 00:00:32,880 --> 00:00:36,720 I recommend it. It's a lot of fun. Just, like, in a tuxedo. 12 00:00:36,760 --> 00:00:38,920 You know, pull your bowtie to the side. 13 00:00:38,960 --> 00:00:41,400 Like, rip the tie back so you can go down on someone. 14 00:00:41,440 --> 00:00:42,600 {\an1}LAUGHTER 15 00:00:42,640 --> 00:00:44,200 It's just like a really good day out. 16 00:00:44,240 --> 00:00:45,560 {\an1}LAUGHTER 17 00:00:45,600 --> 00:00:48,520 Yeah, you guys like that? This guy doesn't like it. 18 00:00:48,560 --> 00:00:50,280 {\an1}LAUGHTER 19 00:00:50,320 --> 00:00:52,680 I'm going to do new stuff tonight. 20 00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:53,960 There's a stag do in the back 21 00:00:54,000 --> 00:00:56,320 that keeps shouting "minge" every five minutes. 22 00:00:56,360 --> 00:00:58,080 Just get on, get off, 23 00:00:58,120 --> 00:01:00,160 do what you've got to do, yeah? 24 00:01:00,200 --> 00:01:02,080 You guys have been absolutely amazing. 25 00:01:02,120 --> 00:01:04,720 That girl is here again? I've been Jack Barry. Goodnight! 26 00:01:04,760 --> 00:01:06,000 {\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 27 00:01:08,000 --> 00:01:10,720 {\an1}That was Jack Barry! HE CHUCKLES 28 00:01:10,760 --> 00:01:12,760 {\an1}How's everyone feeling? You good? CHEERING 29 00:01:12,800 --> 00:01:14,320 Are you ready for the next act? 30 00:01:14,360 --> 00:01:16,320 CHEERING Yes, fantastic. 31 00:01:16,360 --> 00:01:17,880 Now, she's a good friend of mine. 32 00:01:17,920 --> 00:01:21,520 She's become a permanent fixture on my sofa bed recently, 33 00:01:21,560 --> 00:01:25,520 but she doesn't pay any fucking rent, so she needs your support. 34 00:01:25,560 --> 00:01:28,160 Please give it up for Mae Martin! 35 00:01:28,200 --> 00:01:29,840 {\an1}CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 36 00:01:29,880 --> 00:01:31,480 Thanks, man. 37 00:01:34,840 --> 00:01:36,160 Hi, guys. 38 00:01:36,200 --> 00:01:39,440 I'm Mae. Did everyone have a good childhood? 39 00:01:39,480 --> 00:01:40,840 {\an1}LAUGHTER 40 00:01:40,880 --> 00:01:42,240 I'm from Canada. 41 00:01:42,280 --> 00:01:45,840 I came over in a canoe recently with Celine Dion. 42 00:01:45,880 --> 00:01:47,920 LAUGHTER She was at the helm. 43 00:01:47,960 --> 00:01:50,240 I'm recently single. Is anybody single? Give me a cheer. 44 00:01:50,280 --> 00:01:51,600 CHEERING Woo! 45 00:01:51,640 --> 00:01:53,440 Um, yeah. And it's fine. I'm doing fine. 46 00:01:53,480 --> 00:01:55,600 I'm...I'm catching up on my reading - 47 00:01:55,640 --> 00:01:57,720 just reading my ex's Facebook page. 48 00:01:57,760 --> 00:02:00,160 LAUGHTER That's all that I read. 49 00:02:00,200 --> 00:02:04,680 I feel weird recently, and the only way I can describe it is like 50 00:02:04,720 --> 00:02:07,720 I feel like I'm full of birds. 51 00:02:07,760 --> 00:02:10,080 Not like hummingbirds, like I'm anxious, 52 00:02:10,120 --> 00:02:11,680 but, like, pelicans. 53 00:02:11,720 --> 00:02:15,080 Like, very greasy pelicans in my chest. 54 00:02:15,120 --> 00:02:17,760 I don't know if you've ever seen a photo after an oil spill, 55 00:02:17,800 --> 00:02:19,040 and the beach is just... 56 00:02:19,080 --> 00:02:21,200 There's all these birds and they're covered in oil 57 00:02:21,240 --> 00:02:23,440 and they can't lift their wings, and they're like... 58 00:02:23,480 --> 00:02:25,800 They're in my chest. SHE LAUGHS 59 00:02:25,840 --> 00:02:28,760 Thank you, one person, for laughing. 60 00:02:28,800 --> 00:02:31,720 Can you tell your friend I'm going to flush her phone down the toilet 61 00:02:31,760 --> 00:02:33,200 if she doesn't stop texting? Sorry. 62 00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:35,200 Who are you texting? I'm not texting. 63 00:02:35,240 --> 00:02:37,760 I'm playing Candy Crush. CROWD MURMUR AND LAUGH 64 00:02:37,800 --> 00:02:40,200 No, that's fine. That's absolutely fine. 65 00:02:40,240 --> 00:02:43,320 It's very important that I stay humble, so... 66 00:02:43,360 --> 00:02:44,960 Did my mother hire you? 67 00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:46,360 {\an1}LAUGHTER 68 00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:47,600 MAN: Minge! 69 00:02:47,640 --> 00:02:48,920 {\an1}UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER 70 00:02:48,960 --> 00:02:51,040 See, that's funny. That's really funny! 71 00:02:51,080 --> 00:02:53,640 God, I loved that! Mm. 72 00:02:53,680 --> 00:02:56,800 It just makes you think, like, everything is perspective. 73 00:02:56,840 --> 00:02:58,560 Mm. You know, like...like, OK, 74 00:02:58,600 --> 00:03:00,640 I look at this and I see a pint glass, right? 75 00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:05,040 But you might see some...hazelnuts, OK? 76 00:03:05,080 --> 00:03:06,760 And we wouldn't even know. HE CHUCKLES 77 00:03:06,800 --> 00:03:08,880 Hey, have I ever told you my story about ham? 78 00:03:08,920 --> 00:03:12,040 No. You're going to love it. HE LAUGHS 79 00:03:12,080 --> 00:03:13,400 Hold that thought. 80 00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:16,120 Just going to go get my Tupperware from the cloakroom. OK. 81 00:03:16,160 --> 00:03:20,360 George, why did you drag us here? I literally hate comedy. 82 00:03:20,400 --> 00:03:21,920 It's so embarrassing. 83 00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:23,560 That girl was so rude to me! 84 00:03:23,600 --> 00:03:26,080 Binky, you were on your phone all the way through her set. 85 00:03:26,120 --> 00:03:28,200 SHE LAUGHS I know! I'm so bad! 86 00:03:29,560 --> 00:03:32,400 Binks, what did you tell Jarod? 87 00:03:32,440 --> 00:03:34,320 Oh, I told him that you fancy him. 88 00:03:34,360 --> 00:03:37,480 Oh, Jesus! Why did you do that?! 89 00:03:37,520 --> 00:03:39,600 Because you haven't been with anyone since Andrew. 90 00:03:39,640 --> 00:03:41,000 That's five years ago. 91 00:03:41,040 --> 00:03:42,520 Your vagina is going to seal up. 92 00:03:42,560 --> 00:03:46,360 It's about this big. It's got coleslaw in it. No? 93 00:03:46,400 --> 00:03:48,120 Right, let's go. The car is outside. 94 00:03:48,160 --> 00:03:50,800 You know, actually, I think I'm going to walk. 95 00:03:50,840 --> 00:03:53,720 Yeah, and I'm going to go to the bathroom, too, so you guys go. 96 00:03:53,760 --> 00:03:55,280 Yeah. OK. Bye. 97 00:03:57,000 --> 00:03:58,080 Bye. 98 00:04:06,920 --> 00:04:08,040 No. 99 00:04:10,360 --> 00:04:13,880 Can I get double gin and tonic, please? 100 00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:15,440 Oh, man, that was hard work. 101 00:04:15,480 --> 00:04:17,600 That girl was laughing, though. What? 102 00:04:17,640 --> 00:04:19,640 Nah, come on. Why not? 103 00:04:19,680 --> 00:04:22,760 I mean, have you seen her? She's like England's rose. 104 00:04:22,800 --> 00:04:24,320 And I'm like a kernel of corn 105 00:04:24,360 --> 00:04:26,560 that somebody glued onto some sticks. 106 00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:27,600 {\an1}HE CHUCKLES 107 00:04:27,640 --> 00:04:31,240 She's like a dangerous Mary Poppins. I'm like Bart Simpson. 108 00:04:31,280 --> 00:04:34,080 That's funny. So, what should I do? Go talk to her or what? 109 00:04:34,120 --> 00:04:35,320 Yeah. 110 00:04:35,360 --> 00:04:38,040 She's been here, like, three times, only laughing at your stuff. 111 00:04:38,080 --> 00:04:39,640 And your stuff is bad. 112 00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:40,800 Thank you! 113 00:04:40,840 --> 00:04:42,120 What's the worst that can happen? 114 00:04:42,160 --> 00:04:45,640 Oh, humiliation, loneliness, depression... Hello? ..regret. 115 00:04:45,680 --> 00:04:48,200 Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. 116 00:04:48,240 --> 00:04:49,800 Oh, sorry. You're busy. I... 117 00:04:49,840 --> 00:04:52,720 Yeah, I just wanted to say sorry about my friend. 118 00:04:52,760 --> 00:04:55,920 So, sorry. No. Fine. How...? How are...who are you? 119 00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:57,840 Uh, I'm George. Hi. 120 00:04:57,880 --> 00:05:00,360 Yeah. Hi. Hi. 121 00:05:02,200 --> 00:05:04,240 Do you understand the rules of this game? Yeah. OK. 122 00:05:04,280 --> 00:05:06,480 I think so, yeah. It's very straightforward. OK. 123 00:05:06,520 --> 00:05:09,520 How old are you? 29. When did you lose your virginity? 124 00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:11,120 Um, just...yesterday! THEY LAUGH 125 00:05:11,160 --> 00:05:12,200 Just yesterday! 126 00:05:12,240 --> 00:05:14,480 What's your favourite film? SHE LAUGHS 127 00:05:14,520 --> 00:05:17,480 Coyote Ugly. Coyote Ugly! That's not true. 128 00:05:19,680 --> 00:05:21,440 OK. OK. My turn. 129 00:05:21,480 --> 00:05:23,600 How long have you been in England? 130 00:05:23,640 --> 00:05:24,760 Two years. 131 00:05:24,800 --> 00:05:27,040 Who's your favourite member of the Beatles. Brian. 132 00:05:27,080 --> 00:05:29,960 Are we on a date? I...I don't know. 133 00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:32,360 Are we? Well, I don't know. That's why I'm asking you. 134 00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:34,240 Well, I don't know. Do you want to be on a date? 135 00:05:34,280 --> 00:05:36,040 Why are we fighting right now? SHE LAUGHS 136 00:05:36,080 --> 00:05:38,480 Right. I'm going home. 137 00:05:38,520 --> 00:05:40,480 What's your plan? 138 00:05:40,520 --> 00:05:42,160 I'm going to stay out for a bit. 139 00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:44,320 So shall I pull out the sofa bed, or...? 140 00:05:44,360 --> 00:05:45,960 I don't know, man. OK. 141 00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:47,480 Well, do you have your key? 142 00:05:47,520 --> 00:05:50,160 I'm in the middle of a very riveting conversation, Nick, 143 00:05:50,200 --> 00:05:51,360 so maybe I'll text you later. 144 00:05:51,400 --> 00:05:54,880 Right. Well, I'll see you in, what, six months, yeah? 145 00:05:57,080 --> 00:05:58,120 Enjoy your date! 146 00:05:59,480 --> 00:06:03,160 Wow. He said it was a date. Yeah. So I guess it is. Mm. 147 00:06:04,920 --> 00:06:08,120 I've never been on a date with a girl before. 148 00:06:08,160 --> 00:06:10,560 Yeah. Oh, no. Absolutely. 149 00:06:10,600 --> 00:06:12,880 Yeah. No. Yeah, yeah. OK. 150 00:06:14,320 --> 00:06:17,800 So, then would you say that you've ever kissed a girl? 151 00:06:17,840 --> 00:06:19,760 Yeah. I mean, yeah. I'm not Mormon. 152 00:06:19,800 --> 00:06:21,760 Oh, OK. Yeah. Oh, that's a shame. 153 00:06:21,800 --> 00:06:24,000 Oh. I exclusively date Mormons. 154 00:06:24,040 --> 00:06:26,200 Oh! 155 00:06:26,240 --> 00:06:27,520 Well... 156 00:06:33,240 --> 00:06:35,640 Do you like films? You want to kiss me, Mae? 157 00:06:35,680 --> 00:06:40,200 Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah? Oh, look, that would be so cool. 158 00:06:42,200 --> 00:06:43,600 Now? Yes. 159 00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:02,280 Well, anyways... 160 00:07:15,760 --> 00:07:17,000 Oh... Oh, my God. Phil! 161 00:07:17,040 --> 00:07:19,520 Christ, can you wear tap shoes or something? 162 00:07:19,560 --> 00:07:22,600 Sorry, Mae, this is my flatmate. I found him online. 163 00:07:22,640 --> 00:07:24,680 Hey. Hey. 164 00:07:24,720 --> 00:07:28,920 Um, Mae was just going to help me arrange my shoes. 165 00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:30,760 Are you OK? 166 00:07:30,800 --> 00:07:33,000 I have depression. Oh, I'm sorry. 167 00:07:38,080 --> 00:07:41,600 OK, thank you, Phil. Mae, my shoes are upstairs. OK. 168 00:07:46,360 --> 00:07:48,240 So, this is my room. 169 00:07:50,240 --> 00:07:54,520 # Whoa 170 00:07:54,560 --> 00:07:58,840 # Oh-oh 171 00:07:58,880 --> 00:08:05,920 # Come down from the mountain You have been gone too long 172 00:08:07,680 --> 00:08:15,640 # The spring is upon us Follow my only song 173 00:08:15,680 --> 00:08:18,280 MAE YELLS INDISTINCTLY Oh, my gosh, no! Fuck, no! 174 00:08:18,320 --> 00:08:25,560 # Settle down with me by the fire of my yearning 175 00:08:25,600 --> 00:08:27,200 # You should come back home... # 176 00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:28,400 No... 177 00:08:28,440 --> 00:08:34,880 # Back on your own now 178 00:08:34,920 --> 00:08:38,840 # Oh-oh 179 00:08:38,880 --> 00:08:42,200 OVER PHONE SPEAKER: # The world is alive now... # 180 00:08:42,240 --> 00:08:45,600 Can you turn off that music, please, and stop touching my hand, please? 181 00:08:48,640 --> 00:08:50,600 {\an1}MUSIC STOPS 182 00:09:02,960 --> 00:09:06,880 George? Georgina? Excuse me? 183 00:09:06,920 --> 00:09:08,600 Can you wake up, please? 184 00:09:08,640 --> 00:09:11,120 Wait, what's happening? Why are you over there? 185 00:09:11,160 --> 00:09:12,560 I couldn't sleep. I'm too pumped. 186 00:09:12,600 --> 00:09:14,080 So I went out and went for a walk. 187 00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:15,200 I got you two coffees, 188 00:09:15,240 --> 00:09:18,320 like a lottery ticket and some Bombay mix. 189 00:09:18,360 --> 00:09:21,000 And while you were sleeping, 190 00:09:21,040 --> 00:09:23,200 I painted a very beautiful portrait of you. 191 00:09:23,240 --> 00:09:25,240 It's like a moving-in gift. SHE EXHALES 192 00:09:25,280 --> 00:09:27,800 So, what do you want to do today? You want to go to IKEA? 193 00:09:27,840 --> 00:09:29,160 A very big day for us. 194 00:09:29,200 --> 00:09:31,680 Can you just lie on top of me and tell me something Canadian? 195 00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:38,840 On July 1st, 1867, the provinces of New Brunswick, Nova Scotia 196 00:09:38,880 --> 00:09:41,560 and Canada were declared the Dominion of Canada, 197 00:09:41,600 --> 00:09:44,440 with John A. MacDonald its first Prime Minister. 198 00:09:44,480 --> 00:09:46,000 Wow. Mm. 199 00:09:47,400 --> 00:09:51,880 Oh, my... This is a masterpiece. I know. Oh, fuck. 200 00:09:51,920 --> 00:09:53,600 I didn't get you any presents. 201 00:09:53,640 --> 00:09:55,920 Excuse me, I don't need presents. 202 00:09:55,960 --> 00:09:57,520 It's the greatest gift of my life 203 00:09:57,560 --> 00:10:00,680 that I get to have sex with goddamn Princess Diana every day. 204 00:10:00,720 --> 00:10:01,960 {\an1}SHE CHUCKLES 205 00:10:04,120 --> 00:10:06,360 OK, I'm going to make today really good. Oh yeah? 206 00:10:06,400 --> 00:10:07,560 Yeah, honestly. Yeah. 207 00:10:07,600 --> 00:10:10,480 It's just... It's just... It's new for me. What is? 208 00:10:10,520 --> 00:10:14,520 Well, all of this. Letting someone penetrate my inner sanctum. 209 00:10:14,560 --> 00:10:17,480 I call my flat my inner sanctum. Oh, that's so weird. 210 00:10:17,520 --> 00:10:19,000 That's what I call your pussy. 211 00:10:19,040 --> 00:10:20,640 SHE LAUGHS No! 212 00:10:26,720 --> 00:10:27,840 George? Mm? 213 00:10:27,880 --> 00:10:30,720 Can we invite some of these people round tonight? Some of your friends? 214 00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:32,880 We could have, like, a dinner, and I could meet them? 215 00:10:32,920 --> 00:10:35,320 Like, who is this? Mm, no. Sorry, no. 216 00:10:35,360 --> 00:10:37,440 I have this, um, work meeting tonight. 217 00:10:37,480 --> 00:10:40,680 It's the whole English department. On a Saturday? Mm. Yeah. 218 00:10:40,720 --> 00:10:42,720 SKYPE CALL RINGING Oh, shit. That's my parents. 219 00:10:42,760 --> 00:10:45,880 {\an5}Um, I have to Skype my parents. You want to talk to them? Mm, yeah. Oh, cool. Mm. 220 00:10:49,120 --> 00:10:52,040 Hi, Mom. Mae. Hi, Linda. Oh, Georgina. 221 00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:54,080 Oh, well, now, don't look at me. 222 00:10:54,120 --> 00:10:56,560 I'm 3,000 years old. MAN IN BACKGROUND LAUGHS 223 00:10:56,600 --> 00:11:01,040 You two are just the vision of beauty and youth, as per usual. 224 00:11:01,080 --> 00:11:02,280 How's cohabitation? 225 00:11:02,320 --> 00:11:04,920 Oh, it's so great. Um, it's been a big adjustment. 226 00:11:04,960 --> 00:11:08,760 Oh, Georgina, don't look at me. I mean what I say. 227 00:11:08,800 --> 00:11:10,560 Hello, darling daughter. 228 00:11:10,600 --> 00:11:12,320 Oh, hello, George. 229 00:11:12,360 --> 00:11:14,360 {\an1}How lovely. Hi, Dad. How are you? 230 00:11:14,400 --> 00:11:16,840 Er, well, madly in love with your mother, of course. 231 00:11:16,880 --> 00:11:20,200 Oh, please stop. I'm a repulsive old witch. 232 00:11:20,240 --> 00:11:23,000 So, Georgina, when are we going to meet you? 233 00:11:23,040 --> 00:11:25,280 I think it's outrageous we haven't met you yet. 234 00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:27,960 Um, well, you do live in Canada, so... 235 00:11:28,000 --> 00:11:29,880 Yeah, it's been three months, guys. Chill. 236 00:11:29,920 --> 00:11:33,040 Oh, your mother and I moved in together after five days. 237 00:11:33,080 --> 00:11:35,440 That's true. We just knew. 238 00:11:35,480 --> 00:11:38,200 Now, Mae, your father and I want to know 239 00:11:38,240 --> 00:11:40,560 if you've found a new Narcotics Anonymous meeting. Um... 240 00:11:40,600 --> 00:11:43,280 A what meeting? A what meeting? 241 00:11:43,320 --> 00:11:45,640 Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait. Stop. 242 00:11:46,720 --> 00:11:50,160 Mom, can you please stop dredging up the past? Please. 243 00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:51,480 Don't say "dredging". 244 00:11:51,520 --> 00:11:55,000 That's disgusting. All right, so, I'm off. 245 00:11:55,040 --> 00:11:59,320 I'm not saying I want to talk about the past, believe you me. 246 00:11:59,360 --> 00:12:01,960 I just want to know that you're going to a regular meeting. 247 00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:03,320 I've been very busy. 248 00:12:03,360 --> 00:12:04,640 I've been moving in with George 249 00:12:04,680 --> 00:12:06,280 and I...I can't sleep these days. 250 00:12:06,320 --> 00:12:10,600 You can't sleep? It's not a big deal. Oh, my God. 251 00:12:10,640 --> 00:12:13,480 All right, I think I should just tell you. 252 00:12:13,520 --> 00:12:16,040 I think that's because you were four weeks premature. 253 00:12:16,080 --> 00:12:19,440 Was I? You were in an incubator, sweetheart. 254 00:12:19,480 --> 00:12:21,440 It's why we're not close. 255 00:12:21,480 --> 00:12:23,080 Are we not close? 256 00:12:23,120 --> 00:12:28,320 And now I have to go. Find a regular meeting. Yeah, bye. 257 00:12:28,360 --> 00:12:30,160 {\an1}KNOCKING AT DOOR 258 00:12:36,240 --> 00:12:38,720 So, I-I just found out I'm super premature. 259 00:12:38,760 --> 00:12:40,680 You're in Narcotics Anonymous? 260 00:12:42,240 --> 00:12:45,600 It's really not a big deal. I've been sober for ages. 261 00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:47,640 I honestly don't want to talk about it any more. 262 00:12:47,680 --> 00:12:51,560 I just want to enjoy being in this beautiful furniture store with you. 263 00:12:51,600 --> 00:12:53,640 Oh, I'm going to get this one. 264 00:12:53,680 --> 00:12:56,280 Mae, that is fucking massive. Yeah. 265 00:12:56,320 --> 00:12:58,240 No, look, just get this one, OK? 266 00:12:58,280 --> 00:13:00,360 Oh, cool. Thanks. 267 00:13:00,400 --> 00:13:04,880 So, OK, tell me, what is...what is "ages sober"? Like, six years? 268 00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:09,520 Six months? A week? Yes. Yes? Yes what? 269 00:13:09,560 --> 00:13:12,960 Why won't you talk to me? I am talking to you. Then... 270 00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:14,680 OK, look. 271 00:13:14,720 --> 00:13:16,960 I don't know if this is new information to you 272 00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:19,440 or if this is something that you're aware of already, 273 00:13:19,480 --> 00:13:22,760 but you have the number one best face 274 00:13:22,800 --> 00:13:24,840 I've ever seen in real life. 275 00:13:24,880 --> 00:13:28,160 Mae, thank you, that's really kind, but you say that to me every day. 276 00:13:28,200 --> 00:13:31,720 Cos it's true. I've seen 'em in films, but not like this. 277 00:13:31,760 --> 00:13:34,360 It's like milk. Stop. You're a milk maid. Mae, stop it. 278 00:13:34,400 --> 00:13:36,720 Should I be worried? No. 279 00:13:36,760 --> 00:13:40,040 Honestly, it's very old news. Yeah? 280 00:13:40,080 --> 00:13:42,000 Look, there's so much stuff that I didn't know about you 281 00:13:42,040 --> 00:13:44,160 when we moved in together, and I'm having to adjust. 282 00:13:44,200 --> 00:13:46,160 Like, I had no idea that you have a mug that says 283 00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:49,280 "I heart Guernsey" on it. Is that true? Do you heart Guernsey? 284 00:13:49,320 --> 00:13:52,280 What even is a Guernsey? SHE LAUGHS 285 00:13:52,320 --> 00:13:54,160 It's making me question everything. 286 00:13:55,880 --> 00:14:00,600 Mae, I love you, so please find a meeting so I can relax. 287 00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:03,960 Yeah, if you love me, I'll go right now. Yeah? Yeah. 288 00:14:04,000 --> 00:14:06,880 On one condition, though. OK. I'm going to get this wardrobe. 289 00:14:09,200 --> 00:14:13,120 My name's David and I'm an addict. GROUP: Hi, David. 290 00:14:13,160 --> 00:14:16,480 Er, first up on the agenda today, happy birthday to Karen. 291 00:14:16,520 --> 00:14:19,800 Karen let us know last week that it was going to be her birthday, 292 00:14:19,840 --> 00:14:22,600 so, er, we wish you a joyous and a sober day. 293 00:14:22,640 --> 00:14:25,800 And I've brought in some of my devilled eggs as a snack. 294 00:14:25,840 --> 00:14:29,000 Second of all, a warm welcome to any newcomers. 295 00:14:30,920 --> 00:14:32,600 Er, hi, I'm Mae. 296 00:14:37,520 --> 00:14:41,000 I'm Mae, I'm an addict. GROUP: Hi, Mae. Welcome, Mae. 297 00:14:41,040 --> 00:14:42,760 Does anyone want to share? 298 00:14:42,800 --> 00:14:44,600 David, I'd like to start. 299 00:14:44,640 --> 00:14:48,000 My name is Karen and I'm an addict. GROUP: Hi, Karen. 300 00:14:48,040 --> 00:14:52,720 First up, I'd like to come clean. It's not my birthday. 301 00:14:52,760 --> 00:14:54,440 I don't know why I said that. 302 00:14:54,480 --> 00:14:55,880 Anyway, something that is... 303 00:14:55,920 --> 00:14:58,560 WHISPERS: Is there coffee? Just eggs. 304 00:15:00,080 --> 00:15:04,680 Yes, Mae has something to share. Oh, no, no. I'm fine. 305 00:15:04,720 --> 00:15:08,080 I don't...I don't think I really need to be here. 306 00:15:08,120 --> 00:15:10,960 Yeah, you seem like a really fun crew, 307 00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:13,800 but, um, I've been clean a long time and, um, I think for me 308 00:15:13,840 --> 00:15:16,840 the main problem is that I was very premature. 309 00:15:16,880 --> 00:15:21,040 I was actually in an incubator. Anyway, I hate eggs. 310 00:15:21,080 --> 00:15:25,320 What do we say to newcomers, guys? GROUP: Keep coming back. It works. 311 00:15:28,680 --> 00:15:31,320 Are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine, I'm just premature. 312 00:15:31,360 --> 00:15:33,080 Ah, it's so boring in there, isn't it? 313 00:15:33,120 --> 00:15:34,680 I can't... I can't bear it either. 314 00:15:34,720 --> 00:15:37,560 I just hate eggs, you know what I mean? So do I! 315 00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:40,760 They're loathsome. I call them the devil's orbs. 316 00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:43,120 That's funny. Can I get you a coffee? 317 00:15:43,160 --> 00:15:45,880 You look like you need a coffee. I love coffee. 318 00:15:45,920 --> 00:15:48,120 I find it so weird that it comes from beans. 319 00:15:48,160 --> 00:15:50,720 Isn't that bizarre? SHE LAUGHS 320 00:15:50,760 --> 00:15:53,040 I'm Maggie. I'm Mae. 321 00:15:53,080 --> 00:15:54,520 Good to meet you. 322 00:15:54,560 --> 00:15:56,360 This is actually the, um, exit. Oh... 323 00:15:56,400 --> 00:15:58,520 {\an1}THEY LAUGH 324 00:16:05,160 --> 00:16:06,720 I want you to do something for me. 325 00:16:06,760 --> 00:16:09,440 I want you to take your past and I want you to put it in a box. 326 00:16:09,480 --> 00:16:10,800 Have you done that? Yeah. 327 00:16:10,840 --> 00:16:13,080 Now, take that box and throw it in the bin 328 00:16:13,120 --> 00:16:15,720 and flush that bin down the toilet. 329 00:16:15,760 --> 00:16:19,000 Oh, man. Yeah, that's awesome. Yeah. Yeah. 330 00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:21,160 Do you know where my past is? Where? 331 00:16:21,200 --> 00:16:24,320 It's in a box, in a trench, at the bottom of the ocean. 332 00:16:24,360 --> 00:16:26,040 Only James Cameron has seen it. 333 00:16:26,080 --> 00:16:27,480 {\an1}SHE LAUGHS 334 00:16:27,520 --> 00:16:28,840 Wow. 335 00:16:28,880 --> 00:16:32,720 Oh, God, I'm sorry, but I've hated every single mouthful of that coffee 336 00:16:32,760 --> 00:16:34,560 and I must do something about it now, 337 00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:36,000 otherwise I will die! 338 00:16:36,040 --> 00:16:37,760 I don't know why I come here. 339 00:16:37,800 --> 00:16:40,320 You want to know how to fix your brain? Simple. 340 00:16:40,360 --> 00:16:41,880 Just stay busy. 341 00:16:41,920 --> 00:16:43,800 Never don't be doing something, ever. 342 00:16:43,840 --> 00:16:46,200 I'm far too busy to think about drugs. 343 00:16:46,240 --> 00:16:48,160 So, do you have kids and stuff, or...? 344 00:16:48,200 --> 00:16:49,360 I have hobbies. 345 00:16:49,400 --> 00:16:52,840 I bake, I kayak, I weave my own clothes on a loom. 346 00:16:52,880 --> 00:16:54,360 {\an1}Sometimes I just run to Kent. 347 00:16:54,400 --> 00:16:56,880 {\an1}SHE LAUGHS I've been clean for 12 years. 348 00:16:56,920 --> 00:16:58,120 {\an1}MAN CLEARS THROAT 349 00:16:58,160 --> 00:17:00,720 Oh, don't look at me like that, Ethan! 350 00:17:02,760 --> 00:17:04,280 It just doesn't make sense to me. 351 00:17:04,320 --> 00:17:07,720 I just... How can someone so clean and fresh be an ex-junkie? 352 00:17:07,760 --> 00:17:09,200 She smells like laundry. 353 00:17:09,240 --> 00:17:10,920 It makes sense, man. 354 00:17:10,960 --> 00:17:13,440 I mean, her legs are always moving, her eyes are spooky. 355 00:17:13,480 --> 00:17:16,360 Yes, but you know about addicts cos you're from, um... 356 00:17:16,400 --> 00:17:18,960 Hollywood. I'm from Hollywood. 357 00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:20,520 You gotta make her feel safe. 358 00:17:20,560 --> 00:17:23,800 Mm. I don't know, make this place more Canadian or something. 359 00:17:23,840 --> 00:17:25,080 Canada? 360 00:17:25,120 --> 00:17:28,400 Yeah, I can do that. Thanks. 361 00:17:28,440 --> 00:17:31,080 I don't think we've ever had a proper conversation before. 362 00:17:31,120 --> 00:17:34,120 Becoming friends. All right, up top. 363 00:17:34,160 --> 00:17:35,360 OK. 364 00:17:35,400 --> 00:17:36,840 All right. Brunch on Thursday? 365 00:17:36,880 --> 00:17:38,920 No, thank you. 366 00:17:38,960 --> 00:17:40,120 Friday? 367 00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:43,120 I think you should take up capoeira. I'm sorry, but I really, really do. 368 00:17:43,160 --> 00:17:45,880 Oh, my God, you're like a prophet. 369 00:17:45,920 --> 00:17:48,800 Thank you so much, I gotta go, but I'm gonna call you. 370 00:17:48,840 --> 00:17:51,720 Or, actually, do you want to be my sponsor? 371 00:17:51,760 --> 00:17:53,880 Cos I don't think I really need the meetings. 372 00:17:53,920 --> 00:17:56,200 No, no, no, neither do I! But maybe we could just hang out 373 00:17:56,240 --> 00:17:58,040 and then that would be like the same thing? 374 00:17:58,080 --> 00:17:59,640 Yeah, yeah. Any time, night or day. 375 00:17:59,680 --> 00:18:02,800 And remember, throw your past in the bin and just stay busy. Stay busy! 376 00:18:02,840 --> 00:18:05,360 THEY LAUGH Bye. Yeah. 377 00:18:05,400 --> 00:18:07,600 Wait, what...what do you mean, you're not going back? 378 00:18:07,640 --> 00:18:10,600 I'm just not going back. They only had eggs, it was bullshit. 379 00:18:10,640 --> 00:18:14,960 Oh, oh, wow, yeah, that's so cool. You're such a rebel. 380 00:18:15,000 --> 00:18:16,840 Mae, you're like James Dean. 381 00:18:16,880 --> 00:18:18,280 OK, but check it out. 382 00:18:18,320 --> 00:18:19,600 I got a sponsor. 383 00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:20,840 I met this weird woman 384 00:18:20,880 --> 00:18:23,280 and she said I just need to stay really busy instead. 385 00:18:23,320 --> 00:18:24,760 I... Wait. 386 00:18:24,800 --> 00:18:27,320 Do you actually think I look like James Dean? 387 00:18:27,360 --> 00:18:28,720 Mae, I... 388 00:18:28,760 --> 00:18:31,080 Isn't the first rule of these meetings 389 00:18:31,120 --> 00:18:32,680 accepting that you have a problem? 390 00:18:32,720 --> 00:18:34,880 I had a problem and now I have you. 391 00:18:34,920 --> 00:18:37,320 You can't just have me, OK? 392 00:18:37,360 --> 00:18:38,720 I don't just have you. 393 00:18:38,760 --> 00:18:40,520 I have work and I have my friends and... 394 00:18:40,560 --> 00:18:42,440 {\an1}MAE SCOFFS 395 00:18:42,480 --> 00:18:43,680 Yeah. 396 00:18:43,720 --> 00:18:46,000 What? What is that? 397 00:18:47,440 --> 00:18:51,200 All right, how come I've never met any of your friends? 398 00:18:54,200 --> 00:18:55,440 She makes a good point. 399 00:18:57,040 --> 00:18:58,960 I'm sorry, can we not have this conversation 400 00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:00,440 in front of Phil, please? 401 00:19:04,760 --> 00:19:07,120 I'm going to introduce you when I'm ready, OK? 402 00:19:07,160 --> 00:19:09,960 But this conversation is about you, actually. 403 00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:11,760 Well, maybe I didn't tell you about it 404 00:19:11,800 --> 00:19:13,320 because I didn't think you'd get it. 405 00:19:13,360 --> 00:19:16,000 We've had very different lives and you grew up, 406 00:19:16,040 --> 00:19:17,840 like, in a bag of feathers. 407 00:19:17,880 --> 00:19:20,320 Er, Oxford, actually, I grew up in Oxford. 408 00:19:20,360 --> 00:19:21,800 Have you ever heard of it? 409 00:19:21,840 --> 00:19:25,360 Maybe I'd get it if you explained it, but you don't, OK? 410 00:19:25,400 --> 00:19:28,760 So, I have to, like, root around in all of your stuff. 411 00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:31,880 You went through my stuff? Yes! 412 00:19:31,920 --> 00:19:35,120 It says here that you wrote this in hospital. 413 00:19:35,160 --> 00:19:39,440 And...and that you owe someone called Ink Boy $800. 414 00:19:39,480 --> 00:19:41,880 Oh, and what is this? Is this, like, a.... 415 00:19:41,920 --> 00:19:43,320 like, a drugs hat? 416 00:19:46,240 --> 00:19:48,120 Mae, where are you going? 417 00:19:50,680 --> 00:19:51,920 Oh, my God. 418 00:19:51,960 --> 00:19:55,280 {\an1}PSYCHADELIC ROCK MUSIC 419 00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:05,120 Fuck! 420 00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:09,680 I don't... 421 00:20:09,720 --> 00:20:11,920 What the fuck was that? 422 00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:14,480 New me, new life. 423 00:20:14,520 --> 00:20:16,720 I have everything under control. 424 00:20:16,760 --> 00:20:18,280 Said every junkie, ever. 425 00:20:21,080 --> 00:20:22,480 Oh, Mae. I... 426 00:20:24,560 --> 00:20:25,680 Oh. 427 00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:29,320 God, why do you have to be so intense? 428 00:20:32,280 --> 00:20:35,200 I am not...intense. 429 00:20:37,600 --> 00:20:38,760 I'm sorry. I... 430 00:20:43,440 --> 00:20:46,040 So, I'm jizzing and I'm jizzing and I'm jizzing. 431 00:20:46,080 --> 00:20:48,440 I'm jizzing like a goddamn machinegun. 432 00:20:48,480 --> 00:20:51,520 Jizz, jizz, jizz, jizz, jizz, jizz, jizz. Reload! 433 00:20:51,560 --> 00:20:54,400 Why did you book this terrible man? 434 00:20:54,440 --> 00:20:56,240 That's Pete. People love Pete. 435 00:20:57,320 --> 00:20:59,840 If they like him, they're not going to like me. 436 00:20:59,880 --> 00:21:02,400 Ah, well. You'd be surprised. People are mad. 437 00:21:02,440 --> 00:21:03,560 Yeah, but... 438 00:21:07,240 --> 00:21:10,040 {\an1}HIGH-PITCHED RINGING 439 00:21:10,080 --> 00:21:11,680 {\an1}HE SNORTS 440 00:21:16,800 --> 00:21:18,600 Ee-hee-hee! 441 00:21:18,640 --> 00:21:19,920 You're up next. 442 00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:21,960 Where you been all my life, baby? 443 00:21:22,000 --> 00:21:23,480 Oh, er, what is this? 444 00:21:23,520 --> 00:21:25,840 {\an1}Do you like it? It's my new gimmick. CROWD CHEERS 445 00:21:25,880 --> 00:21:28,800 Fuck yeah, I'm the fucking king! Woo! 446 00:21:28,840 --> 00:21:30,160 Wahey! 447 00:21:30,200 --> 00:21:32,080 Who's this guy? Oh. 448 00:21:33,680 --> 00:21:35,960 # Slam your body down and wind it all around 449 00:21:36,000 --> 00:21:37,480 # If you want to be my lover... # 450 00:21:37,520 --> 00:21:39,160 So, Monday, Wednesday, Friday, 451 00:21:39,200 --> 00:21:41,720 I bring in my packed lunch, I have my usual, which is... 452 00:21:41,760 --> 00:21:43,920 Ham. Ham. 453 00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:45,480 Then Tuesday, Thursday, 454 00:21:45,520 --> 00:21:47,400 I go into the cafeteria. 455 00:21:47,440 --> 00:21:51,720 What do you think they're serving on both days this particular week? 456 00:21:51,760 --> 00:21:52,920 Ham? 457 00:21:52,960 --> 00:21:54,400 {\an1}HE LAUGHS 458 00:21:54,440 --> 00:21:57,040 So, that's Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday - 459 00:21:57,080 --> 00:21:58,840 ham, ham, ham, ham, ham. 460 00:21:58,880 --> 00:22:01,160 I'm seeing someone, sorry. 461 00:22:01,200 --> 00:22:02,200 OK. 462 00:22:03,920 --> 00:22:05,800 Well, I feel like a regular old ham head. 463 00:22:05,840 --> 00:22:07,080 {\an1}THEY LAUGH 464 00:22:07,120 --> 00:22:08,720 What's his name? 465 00:22:08,760 --> 00:22:10,840 Um, Jonathan....Crenshaw. 466 00:22:10,880 --> 00:22:12,680 Jonathan Crenshaw. 467 00:22:12,720 --> 00:22:14,200 Yeah. Yep. 468 00:22:14,240 --> 00:22:18,880 Well, you know, when the cat's away, the mice hit the town and... 469 00:22:18,920 --> 00:22:21,040 I don't remember the exact saying, but... 470 00:22:21,080 --> 00:22:22,880 NEW SONG STARTS Oh, shit, this is me. 471 00:22:27,360 --> 00:22:29,920 # One can have a dream, baby 472 00:22:29,960 --> 00:22:32,840 # Two can make that dream so true... # 473 00:22:32,880 --> 00:22:34,000 Fuck off, Jared! 474 00:22:34,040 --> 00:22:37,320 # One can talk about being in love, two can say how it really feels 475 00:22:40,440 --> 00:22:42,360 # One can wish... # 476 00:22:45,680 --> 00:22:50,480 # Call me any time... # 477 00:22:51,520 --> 00:22:53,400 {\an1}NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE 478 00:22:55,320 --> 00:22:57,360 # Crawl 479 00:22:58,640 --> 00:23:00,560 # I cried for you 480 00:23:02,160 --> 00:23:04,120 # Died for you... # 481 00:23:05,400 --> 00:23:06,800 Hi. 482 00:23:06,840 --> 00:23:08,040 Hi. 483 00:23:11,160 --> 00:23:12,680 What do you want to know? 484 00:23:12,720 --> 00:23:14,160 Everything? 485 00:23:19,440 --> 00:23:22,200 I got addicted to coke when I was a kid 486 00:23:22,240 --> 00:23:24,440 and my parents kicked me out. 487 00:23:24,480 --> 00:23:28,760 I sold drugs, I overdosed, I...I went to jail. 488 00:23:28,800 --> 00:23:32,120 I just really, really, I want it to be over. 489 00:23:34,480 --> 00:23:36,680 {\an1}SHE SIGHS 490 00:23:36,720 --> 00:23:37,760 OK. 491 00:23:41,280 --> 00:23:42,560 Really? Yeah. 492 00:23:46,800 --> 00:23:48,000 Cool. 493 00:23:48,040 --> 00:23:50,240 So, is there anything else that we need to talk about? 494 00:23:50,280 --> 00:23:52,440 Like, did you want to tell me about your friends 495 00:23:52,480 --> 00:23:55,840 and why you're being... Er, why don't you just go down on me? 496 00:23:55,880 --> 00:23:57,240 OK, that sounds good, yeah. 497 00:23:59,600 --> 00:24:02,160 {\an1}PHONE CHIMES 498 00:24:19,840 --> 00:24:22,520 {\an1}HIGH-PITCHED RINGING 60569

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