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1
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C.K.! C.K.!
2
00:00:07,000 --> 00:00:08,965
Louis! Louis!
3
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Louis! Louis! Louis!
4
00:00:11,875 --> 00:00:17,667
Louis! Louis! Louis!
Louis! Louis! Louis!
5
00:00:53,000 --> 00:00:54,792
Thank you.
6
00:01:00,250 --> 00:01:01,465
Thank you.
7
00:01:01,500 --> 00:01:04,507
Sit down, please. Thank you.
8
00:01:04,542 --> 00:01:07,417
Thank you very much. Thanks.
Nice to, uh...
9
00:01:07,452 --> 00:01:10,667
All right.
Nice to see you all.
10
00:01:10,702 --> 00:01:12,048
Thanks for coming.
11
00:01:12,083 --> 00:01:15,507
I've been thinking
about you all day.
12
00:01:15,542 --> 00:01:18,708
How are you? How - how was your
last couple of years?
13
00:01:18,743 --> 00:01:23,173
How...
14
00:01:23,208 --> 00:01:26,708
How was 2018 and '19
for you guys?
15
00:01:30,708 --> 00:01:32,792
Anybody else getting
global amounts of trouble,
16
00:01:32,827 --> 00:01:34,375
anybody else...
17
00:01:39,000 --> 00:01:40,750
Fuck!
18
00:01:44,208 --> 00:01:45,882
That was crazy...
19
00:01:45,917 --> 00:01:48,298
Man, I was in a lot of trou-
20
00:01:48,333 --> 00:01:50,083
Wait till they see those
pictures of me in blackface.
21
00:01:50,118 --> 00:01:52,340
That's gonna to be...
22
00:01:52,375 --> 00:01:55,715
That's going to make it
a lot worse.
23
00:01:55,750 --> 00:01:58,500
Because there is a lot of those,
there's thousands of pictures
24
00:01:58,535 --> 00:02:01,340
of me in blackface.
25
00:02:01,375 --> 00:02:04,187
I can't stop doing it, I just...
26
00:02:04,222 --> 00:02:07,000
I like it, I like how it feels.
27
00:02:11,458 --> 00:02:13,840
Fuck, man, that was...
28
00:02:13,875 --> 00:02:16,673
You know what?
I learned a lot.
29
00:02:16,708 --> 00:02:19,542
I learned a lot - I learned
how to eat alone in a restaurant
30
00:02:19,577 --> 00:02:23,792
with people giving me the finger
from across the room.
31
00:02:33,375 --> 00:02:34,757
When you get in trouble,
32
00:02:34,792 --> 00:02:36,798
you learn who
your real friends are.
33
00:02:36,833 --> 00:02:40,875
It's true - people like saying
that like that's a good thing.
34
00:02:40,910 --> 00:02:43,708
Who the fuck wants to know
who their real friends are?
35
00:02:43,743 --> 00:02:45,007
You don't want to know that.
36
00:02:45,042 --> 00:02:48,375
Believe me,
you don't want to know.
37
00:02:48,410 --> 00:02:51,673
It's never who
you want it to be.
38
00:02:51,708 --> 00:02:57,083
It's not your cool friends
and it's not your fun friends.
39
00:02:57,118 --> 00:02:59,975
It's your real friends.
40
00:03:00,010 --> 00:03:03,109
"I'm here for you. "
41
00:03:03,144 --> 00:03:06,173
I fucking know that.
42
00:03:06,208 --> 00:03:07,937
I have this friend,
she's the best person I know,
43
00:03:07,972 --> 00:03:09,667
but I sometimes want
to punch her in the face
44
00:03:09,702 --> 00:03:11,548
because she's so nice -
45
00:03:11,583 --> 00:03:13,965
because I'm not
a good person.
46
00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:15,812
Like, I'll tell her something
I'm having problems with,
47
00:03:15,847 --> 00:03:17,625
and she'll say, "I'm going
to pray on that for you. "
48
00:03:22,333 --> 00:03:26,208
I have a feeling when she prays,
God's like, "Ugh!
49
00:03:26,243 --> 00:03:29,757
Fuck!
50
00:03:29,792 --> 00:03:32,292
This one makes me want
to get out of the business. "
51
00:03:36,208 --> 00:03:38,298
You guys think there's a God?
How many -
52
00:03:38,333 --> 00:03:41,000
How many of you, by applause,
believe there is a God.
53
00:03:41,035 --> 00:03:44,007
How many people?
54
00:03:44,042 --> 00:03:46,375
All right. About 30
out of 1,400.
55
00:03:46,410 --> 00:03:48,958
That's nice. That's nice.
56
00:03:48,993 --> 00:03:51,465
That shit's over.
57
00:03:51,500 --> 00:03:54,340
It's just fucking over.
58
00:03:54,375 --> 00:03:56,875
You go into a church, it's like
going to a roller skating rink
59
00:03:56,910 --> 00:03:58,882
on a Wednesday,
it's like...
60
00:03:58,917 --> 00:04:01,083
"This used to be something!
What happened?"
61
00:04:03,708 --> 00:04:05,298
I don't know.
I don't think there's a God.
62
00:04:05,333 --> 00:04:07,667
And that's not a conviction.
I just don't suppose.
63
00:04:07,702 --> 00:04:10,750
I just - I just
reckon there ain't.
64
00:04:10,785 --> 00:04:13,292
I reckon there ain't no lord.
65
00:04:15,875 --> 00:04:17,708
And because I don't believe
there's a God,
66
00:04:17,743 --> 00:04:21,184
I fucking hope
there's not a God.
67
00:04:21,219 --> 00:04:24,590
I fuckin' hope -
Oh, please!
68
00:04:24,625 --> 00:04:26,875
If you don't believe in God,
you better fucking hope -
69
00:04:26,910 --> 00:04:30,042
you better get on your knees
and pray.
70
00:04:30,077 --> 00:04:32,917
Please, God, don't be.
71
00:04:36,042 --> 00:04:38,417
'Cause that's a bad thing to be
wrong about.
72
00:04:38,452 --> 00:04:41,507
That's a bad wrong.
73
00:04:41,542 --> 00:04:43,417
You're an atheist your
whole life and you die
74
00:04:43,452 --> 00:04:47,340
and you're like, "Aw, fuck!
75
00:04:47,375 --> 00:04:49,750
Aw, you're shitting -
with a beard and everything.
76
00:04:49,785 --> 00:04:55,965
Fuck! Aww...
77
00:04:56,000 --> 00:04:57,548
Hey, I -
I dunno...
78
00:04:57,583 --> 00:05:00,792
Yeah, yeah, I'm going. Yep. "
79
00:05:04,208 --> 00:05:06,708
Being wrong the other way is not
a big problem.
80
00:05:06,743 --> 00:05:08,583
If you believe in God
and you're wrong,
81
00:05:08,618 --> 00:05:10,257
you don't really have a problem.
82
00:05:10,292 --> 00:05:12,708
It gives you a little comfort
during your stupid life.
83
00:05:15,667 --> 00:05:18,583
And then at the end, you're just
seriously disappointed
84
00:05:18,618 --> 00:05:21,500
for like a second - it's the
last feeling you get to have.
85
00:05:21,535 --> 00:05:25,250
You die, you're like,
"Nothing?
86
00:05:25,285 --> 00:05:27,423
Seriously?
Nothing?"
87
00:05:27,458 --> 00:05:29,583
"Yeah, just get in the Dumpster.
Sorry. "
88
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:36,132
"Sorry, you're just
garbage now. "
89
00:05:36,167 --> 00:05:38,417
If you don't believe in God,
that's what you believe -
90
00:05:38,452 --> 00:05:41,497
that when you die,
you're just garbage.
91
00:05:41,532 --> 00:05:44,507
You are your family's
newest garbage.
92
00:05:44,542 --> 00:05:46,465
My mom died last year
and we asked her, like,
93
00:05:46,500 --> 00:05:49,250
"What do you want," like,
before she died, we didn't -
94
00:05:49,285 --> 00:05:53,792
We didn't ask her at -
"Ma! Ma!
95
00:05:53,827 --> 00:05:55,375
Fuck!"
96
00:05:59,167 --> 00:06:01,173
I asked my mom
what we wanted -
97
00:06:01,208 --> 00:06:02,500
what she wanted to do
with her body.
98
00:06:02,535 --> 00:06:04,371
And she said,
"Just burn it. "
99
00:06:04,406 --> 00:06:06,173
That's what she said:
Burn it.
100
00:06:06,208 --> 00:06:09,542
What, in the yard with leaves?
What the fuck?
101
00:06:11,708 --> 00:06:13,917
She didn't want a funeral,
no pageantry, nothing.
102
00:06:13,952 --> 00:06:15,382
So she booked it herself.
103
00:06:15,417 --> 00:06:17,708
That was her last act
as an American consumer.
104
00:06:17,743 --> 00:06:20,475
She went online
with a credit card
105
00:06:20,510 --> 00:06:23,173
and she booked
her own cremation.
106
00:06:23,208 --> 00:06:27,416
It's true - at a place called
Boston Crematorium.
107
00:06:27,451 --> 00:06:31,625
Just this place that burns
bums and dogs all day.
108
00:06:31,660 --> 00:06:35,101
They just folded my mom
into the workload.
109
00:06:35,136 --> 00:06:38,542
We didn't even know,
just this guy showed up.
110
00:06:38,577 --> 00:06:41,173
"I'm here for your ma. "
111
00:06:41,208 --> 00:06:44,041
"All right, Sully,
she's in there. "
112
00:06:44,076 --> 00:06:46,204
And he went in there
to prepare her.
113
00:06:46,239 --> 00:06:48,494
My sisters are waiting
in the hall
114
00:06:48,529 --> 00:06:50,750
and he was in there for a while.
115
00:06:54,917 --> 00:06:56,715
I didn't say anything.
I'm just...
116
00:06:56,750 --> 00:07:00,417
Saying he was in there
with my mom for a long time.
117
00:07:00,452 --> 00:07:03,340
That's all I'm saying.
118
00:07:03,375 --> 00:07:04,791
And also that I was worried
119
00:07:04,826 --> 00:07:06,208
he was fucking
my dead mother.
120
00:07:12,375 --> 00:07:15,958
Anyway, then he brought
her out in a kind of a nice bag
121
00:07:15,993 --> 00:07:19,708
and... and he put her
in a van.
122
00:07:19,743 --> 00:07:22,465
Just a - his van.
123
00:07:22,500 --> 00:07:26,215
It's like a '98 Ford Windstar
124
00:07:26,250 --> 00:07:31,333
with a bottle of red Gatorade
rolling around in the back.
125
00:07:31,368 --> 00:07:34,083
It's the last time I saw my mom.
126
00:07:37,167 --> 00:07:38,750
That's what she wanted.
127
00:07:41,167 --> 00:07:43,458
She didn't believe
in this God shit.
128
00:07:43,493 --> 00:07:45,298
Just didn't.
129
00:07:45,333 --> 00:07:47,417
I was talking to my friend
the other day about Jesus...
130
00:07:47,452 --> 00:07:49,351
uh, Christ,
131
00:07:49,386 --> 00:07:51,215
and, um...
132
00:07:51,250 --> 00:07:52,715
I don't remember why,
133
00:07:52,750 --> 00:07:55,208
but I happened to mention
that Jesus was Jewish
134
00:07:55,243 --> 00:07:58,423
and my friend said, "He was?"
135
00:07:58,458 --> 00:08:01,437
And I said, Yeah.
Jesus was Jewish.
136
00:08:01,472 --> 00:08:04,382
And he said,
"I don't think so. "
137
00:08:04,417 --> 00:08:06,875
And I said, that's okay,
it already all happened.
138
00:08:06,910 --> 00:08:08,500
Doesn't matter where you think.
139
00:08:11,542 --> 00:08:13,521
But he'd argued with me.
He was like, "Dude,
140
00:08:13,556 --> 00:08:15,465
Jesus couldn't be Jewish.
Think about it. "
141
00:08:15,500 --> 00:08:18,042
I'm like, "You fucking think
about it, you idiot.
142
00:08:18,077 --> 00:08:21,413
What d- What was he then?
You're...
143
00:08:21,448 --> 00:08:24,750
What, was he Presbyterian?
What was he?
144
00:08:24,785 --> 00:08:27,871
Catholic?
Okay, Jesus was Catholic
145
00:08:27,906 --> 00:08:30,958
and he had
a gold chain with a cross.
146
00:08:33,583 --> 00:08:34,667
And when they nailed him up,
he was like,
147
00:08:34,702 --> 00:08:37,667
"Oh, that's why we have those!"
148
00:08:40,250 --> 00:08:43,229
"That finally makes sense.
I didn't even know.
149
00:08:43,264 --> 00:08:46,208
Oh, fuck, that's me!
I'm the little guy on it!"
150
00:08:53,750 --> 00:08:56,708
Every religion has
a strange story or a rule
151
00:08:56,743 --> 00:08:58,215
that doesn't make sense to me.
152
00:08:58,250 --> 00:09:01,167
You know, like every time
there's a terrorist act,
153
00:09:01,202 --> 00:09:03,090
they always tell you
on the news
154
00:09:03,125 --> 00:09:06,083
about how they believe
they're all going to heaven.
155
00:09:06,118 --> 00:09:08,934
And every guy
who does a jihad thing
156
00:09:08,969 --> 00:09:11,505
and he gets 72 virgins,
that's right.
157
00:09:11,540 --> 00:09:14,007
That's the story,
always 72 virgins.
158
00:09:14,042 --> 00:09:16,667
Which, first of all,
who are those women?
159
00:09:16,702 --> 00:09:20,132
Who are the 72 virgins?
160
00:09:20,167 --> 00:09:24,708
Does God have to kill
72 nice girls?
161
00:09:24,743 --> 00:09:26,132
"All right, ladies, uh,
162
00:09:26,167 --> 00:09:30,083
the good news
is you're going to heaven.
163
00:09:30,118 --> 00:09:31,625
The weird news... "
164
00:09:35,208 --> 00:09:38,542
Or does God just make 'em
fresh like farm raised salmon?
165
00:09:38,577 --> 00:09:42,757
He just whips up 72 women.
166
00:09:42,792 --> 00:09:45,708
"All right. Nobody fuck these.
I'm saving them for that guy. "
167
00:09:49,417 --> 00:09:51,090
It's a weird concept.
168
00:09:51,125 --> 00:09:54,007
You get your own 72 virgins
for all eternity.
169
00:09:54,042 --> 00:09:57,583
First of all, they're only
virgins when you first get them.
170
00:09:57,618 --> 00:10:01,340
Once you start fucking them,
it's over.
171
00:10:01,375 --> 00:10:04,292
After a week, he's like,
"I only have three left. "
172
00:10:08,708 --> 00:10:11,125
"And 69 whores. "
173
00:10:14,458 --> 00:10:17,333
That has to be one of the more
confusing moments in God's life
174
00:10:17,368 --> 00:10:20,173
when he's handing off 72 virgins
175
00:10:20,208 --> 00:10:23,833
to some guy who just blew up
a bus in Tel Aviv,
176
00:10:23,868 --> 00:10:27,548
and he's like,
"All right. Uh...
177
00:10:27,583 --> 00:10:32,542
The fuck am I doing?
I don't even know anymore.
178
00:10:32,577 --> 00:10:36,257
I need a drink. "
179
00:10:36,292 --> 00:10:39,792
I'm curious about God.
I'm curious about his life.
180
00:10:39,827 --> 00:10:41,250
I'm curious
about God's existence.
181
00:10:41,285 --> 00:10:42,757
What's that like to be God?
182
00:10:42,792 --> 00:10:44,229
You know, we don't know
anything about him.
183
00:10:44,264 --> 00:10:45,667
I think one reason people
don't believe in him,
184
00:10:45,702 --> 00:10:47,038
because we don't have
a sense of God
185
00:10:47,073 --> 00:10:48,375
because he doesn't say
anything anymore.
186
00:10:48,410 --> 00:10:49,840
Used to talk all the time,
187
00:10:49,875 --> 00:10:51,250
used to go up to people on
the street, "Hey!"
188
00:10:54,250 --> 00:10:58,667
Writing on the rocks -
"Look at that! Do it!"
189
00:10:58,702 --> 00:11:00,292
And it was conf-
Everybody's like,
190
00:11:00,327 --> 00:11:02,298
trying to figure it out.
191
00:11:02,333 --> 00:11:04,979
And then for 2,000 years,
he just -
192
00:11:05,014 --> 00:11:07,625
"Mm, meh. "
Nothing! Says nothing!
193
00:11:07,660 --> 00:11:09,007
And everybody's fighting.
194
00:11:09,042 --> 00:11:10,257
He could clear a lot of shit up
195
00:11:10,292 --> 00:11:12,417
with a five-minute
press conference.
196
00:11:14,458 --> 00:11:17,666
If God spoke for five minutes,
he'd solve a lot of problems.
197
00:11:17,701 --> 00:11:20,875
He'd just show up, "All right,
everybody, yeah, I'm the Lord.
198
00:11:20,910 --> 00:11:24,548
Okay, real quick.
199
00:11:24,583 --> 00:11:27,042
First of all, Mormons,
just: no.
200
00:11:31,250 --> 00:11:34,507
What is that? Just go home.
201
00:11:34,542 --> 00:11:36,958
Also, Jews with the little
things, what the fuck?
202
00:11:36,993 --> 00:11:38,507
I don't know...
203
00:11:38,542 --> 00:11:41,187
Put a hat on or don't,
nobody gives a shit.
204
00:11:41,222 --> 00:11:43,798
This is weird.
I hate these. I hate them.
205
00:11:43,833 --> 00:11:46,458
I sent everybody with
one of those to hell every day.
206
00:11:46,493 --> 00:11:48,715
I do. It's just my thing.
Just so you know.
207
00:11:48,750 --> 00:11:52,417
Do what you want,
but that's where you're going.
208
00:11:52,452 --> 00:11:54,548
Now, you know.
209
00:11:54,583 --> 00:11:56,770
Also, I don't care
who you fuck.
210
00:11:56,805 --> 00:11:58,611
I don't care.
It never mattered.
211
00:11:58,646 --> 00:12:00,406
It was Adam and Eve and Steve.
212
00:12:00,441 --> 00:12:02,132
They were all fucking
each other.
213
00:12:02,167 --> 00:12:04,125
I was jerking off to it.
It was a great time.
214
00:12:04,160 --> 00:12:06,892
So it's not an issue for me.
215
00:12:06,927 --> 00:12:09,590
I don't know why it is for you.
216
00:12:09,625 --> 00:12:13,958
Have fun and use all the holes,
that's what I say.
217
00:12:13,993 --> 00:12:15,708
Also, you're supposed
to fuck the animals.
218
00:12:15,743 --> 00:12:19,090
That's why I made them!
219
00:12:19,125 --> 00:12:23,090
Why are you not
fucking the animals?!
220
00:12:23,125 --> 00:12:26,250
There's only like 30,000
of you fucking the animals.
221
00:12:29,417 --> 00:12:31,292
What are the rest of you -
You're eating them?!
222
00:12:31,327 --> 00:12:33,083
That's disgusting!
223
00:12:35,458 --> 00:12:37,798
What is wrong with you?
224
00:12:37,833 --> 00:12:40,292
How could you eat
a perfectly fuckable pig. "
225
00:12:46,125 --> 00:12:47,792
Sayeth the Lord.
226
00:12:53,292 --> 00:12:56,083
Well, it's nice to be
in Washington, D.C.,
227
00:12:56,118 --> 00:12:57,667
where -
I was born here.
228
00:13:00,542 --> 00:13:03,083
I like it here, 'cause
I like any city, I like cities.
229
00:13:03,118 --> 00:13:05,083
I don't like cities
that are too advanced.
230
00:13:05,118 --> 00:13:06,673
You know,
I was in Zurich.
231
00:13:06,708 --> 00:13:09,000
And they have so much sh-
you know, they're like,
232
00:13:09,035 --> 00:13:11,292
"Here's the bike, you want
a bicycle? It's yours.
233
00:13:11,327 --> 00:13:16,007
Just have it, it's nice. "
234
00:13:16,042 --> 00:13:19,583
And they have the garbage
with the eight fuckin' holes
235
00:13:19,618 --> 00:13:23,125
of different shapes - it's
like an IQ test for a monkey.
236
00:13:23,160 --> 00:13:25,090
I don't know what the fuck.
237
00:13:25,125 --> 00:13:28,292
There's one hole has a picture
of a cup, and the next one
238
00:13:28,327 --> 00:13:32,250
is a picture of a cup
that's a little different.
239
00:13:32,285 --> 00:13:34,871
I'm standing there with a dead
baby,
240
00:13:34,906 --> 00:13:36,807
I don't know where I'm
supposed to...
241
00:13:36,842 --> 00:13:38,796
What am I suppose to do
with that?
242
00:13:38,831 --> 00:13:40,750
It doesn't go in
the newspapers slot,
243
00:13:40,785 --> 00:13:42,292
but otherwise, I don't know.
244
00:13:46,667 --> 00:13:48,625
I like cities,
I don't like little places.
245
00:13:48,660 --> 00:13:50,580
When I go to Europe,
I go to the big cities.
246
00:13:50,615 --> 00:13:52,786
Everybody tells you,
"Don't go to Madrid.
247
00:13:52,821 --> 00:13:54,923
Yeah. Just go to Madrid
for like a day.
248
00:13:54,958 --> 00:13:57,667
And then you got to take a train
and you have to go to
249
00:14:05,458 --> 00:14:10,833
It's a beautiful
little old village
250
00:14:10,868 --> 00:14:12,580
and you're gonna love it. "
251
00:14:12,615 --> 00:14:14,786
Fuck you, you don't know me.
252
00:14:14,821 --> 00:14:16,958
I'm not going to love
a village
253
00:14:16,993 --> 00:14:19,465
in Europe
254
00:14:19,500 --> 00:14:24,208
with a bell that goes "pang,"
like, whenever,
255
00:14:24,243 --> 00:14:26,958
and a dog walking alone.
256
00:14:31,417 --> 00:14:33,673
I don't like cute little places.
257
00:14:33,708 --> 00:14:35,792
I don't like little towns
in America either,
258
00:14:35,827 --> 00:14:37,298
with little shops.
259
00:14:37,333 --> 00:14:41,145
"Oh, look at that little shop!
260
00:14:41,180 --> 00:14:44,923
Let's go in that little shop. "
261
00:14:44,958 --> 00:14:48,375
Nah, let's get a divorce.
Isn't that a better idea?
262
00:14:48,410 --> 00:14:52,507
You go in there,
I'll just walk away.
263
00:14:52,542 --> 00:14:55,208
Just tell the kids I was a pilot
and I got shot down.
264
00:14:59,542 --> 00:15:00,882
I don't like little shops.
265
00:15:00,917 --> 00:15:03,340
I'm uncomfortable
in a little shop.
266
00:15:03,375 --> 00:15:06,625
You go in, it's like,
"cli-li-ling-ling,
267
00:15:06,660 --> 00:15:08,500
cli-li-ling. "
268
00:15:12,750 --> 00:15:14,208
Now it's just you and her.
269
00:15:19,125 --> 00:15:21,708
You're surrounded by her dream.
270
00:15:26,417 --> 00:15:28,542
And you can't just, "Ugh!"
and leave!
271
00:15:28,577 --> 00:15:31,007
Well, you...
272
00:15:31,042 --> 00:15:34,062
She saw you, you have to go
all the way in now
273
00:15:34,097 --> 00:15:37,083
and look at all
the little crafts that she made.
274
00:15:52,750 --> 00:15:55,007
You made this?
Really?
275
00:15:55,042 --> 00:15:57,708
You made this
instead of killing yourself?
276
00:16:08,125 --> 00:16:09,667
I fucking wish I was
that mean.
277
00:16:09,702 --> 00:16:11,173
I really do.
278
00:16:11,208 --> 00:16:13,375
All my fantasies are about
being mean,
279
00:16:13,410 --> 00:16:15,382
just having the balls
280
00:16:15,417 --> 00:16:17,542
to, like, walk in a little store
like that and just go like,
281
00:16:17,577 --> 00:16:19,601
"Oh, I don't like this at all.
282
00:16:19,636 --> 00:16:21,590
I don't like it in here.
Unh-uh.
283
00:16:21,625 --> 00:16:23,708
What's your name? Debbie?
Fuck you, Debbie.
284
00:16:23,743 --> 00:16:25,375
I don't like your store.
285
00:16:31,167 --> 00:16:33,958
I was in Florida recently,
I don't like Florida at all,
286
00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:36,750
it's a shit state full of shit
people, that's what I think.
287
00:16:36,785 --> 00:16:39,917
Hate Florida. I hate it.
I hate the whole thing.
288
00:16:39,952 --> 00:16:41,632
The whole - the entire -
289
00:16:41,667 --> 00:16:43,257
it looks like -
it doesn't look like a dick.
290
00:16:43,292 --> 00:16:44,958
People say that; it looks
like a shit coming out.
291
00:16:44,993 --> 00:16:48,125
If you look at it, it's like
America's ass,
292
00:16:48,160 --> 00:16:50,042
and it's a shit that's just -
293
00:16:50,077 --> 00:16:51,715
that you're trying to...
294
00:16:51,750 --> 00:16:53,917
And there's a little -
Cuba's like a little -
295
00:16:53,952 --> 00:16:56,340
Pbbt! That came first.
296
00:16:56,375 --> 00:16:57,923
That's what I think of Florida.
297
00:16:57,958 --> 00:17:00,500
Every time there's a hurricane,
I'm like,
298
00:17:00,535 --> 00:17:03,007
"Yeah, get 'em! Get 'em all,
Melissa!"
299
00:17:03,042 --> 00:17:06,750
No, I don't mean any of that.
I was just funnin'.
300
00:17:06,785 --> 00:17:08,542
Just fun to pretend.
301
00:17:12,042 --> 00:17:14,257
I was in a sushi
restaurant in Florida.
302
00:17:14,292 --> 00:17:16,083
And it was empty -
you ever go in a restaurant
303
00:17:16,118 --> 00:17:17,340
and it's open,
but it's -
304
00:17:17,375 --> 00:17:19,173
you're literally
the only person in there.
305
00:17:19,208 --> 00:17:22,583
You walk in, the staff is like
sitting at the tables, you know,
306
00:17:22,618 --> 00:17:24,850
and you walk in,
you're like, "Are you open?"
307
00:17:24,885 --> 00:17:27,083
They're like, "Yeah. "
And you go, "Oh, good. "
308
00:17:27,118 --> 00:17:29,507
And you - and they're like,
"Aww, pfft!
309
00:17:29,542 --> 00:17:31,708
We gotta fire up the whole
fuckin' restaurant
310
00:17:31,743 --> 00:17:35,048
for this one guy now?"
311
00:17:35,083 --> 00:17:37,667
So I ordered a lot of sushi
because I felt bad
312
00:17:37,702 --> 00:17:39,913
for wasting their time,
and, um...
313
00:17:39,948 --> 00:17:42,125
And I -
I didn't eat most of it
314
00:17:42,160 --> 00:17:43,673
because I don't like sushi.
315
00:17:43,708 --> 00:17:46,048
And, um - so the waitress
comes over.
316
00:17:46,083 --> 00:17:51,375
She's Japanese and she says,
"You no finish?"
317
00:17:51,410 --> 00:17:53,042
Which is what she said.
I'm not...
318
00:17:55,750 --> 00:17:58,173
It's just what she said,
I can't...
319
00:17:58,208 --> 00:18:01,375
I'm not gonna change what
she fucking said.
320
00:18:01,410 --> 00:18:03,048
I'm not gonna lie to ya
and say that
321
00:18:03,083 --> 00:18:05,812
she said, "You're not
going to finish that,"
322
00:18:05,847 --> 00:18:08,444
because it doesn't happen
to be what she said.
323
00:18:08,479 --> 00:18:11,042
And I have to do the accent
because it's weird
324
00:18:11,077 --> 00:18:15,375
if I tell you she said,
"You no finish?"
325
00:18:15,410 --> 00:18:18,048
So I'm stuck.
326
00:18:18,083 --> 00:18:20,667
I'm just telling you
what happened.
327
00:18:20,702 --> 00:18:23,663
She said, "You no finish?"
328
00:18:23,698 --> 00:18:26,625
"Whoo, you no finish!"
329
00:18:29,208 --> 00:18:31,375
That's exactly what she said.
330
00:18:31,410 --> 00:18:34,250
It's a perfect replica.
331
00:18:37,958 --> 00:18:40,590
No, it was subtle.
332
00:18:40,625 --> 00:18:44,632
She said, "You no finish?"
333
00:18:44,667 --> 00:18:49,292
And I said,
"No, I no finish. "
334
00:18:49,327 --> 00:18:50,667
Because I think that's -
335
00:18:50,702 --> 00:18:52,923
I think it's polite
336
00:18:52,958 --> 00:18:56,007
to repeat people's
bad English to them.
337
00:18:56,042 --> 00:18:58,375
Otherwise, you're being a dick,
it's like, "You no finish?"
338
00:18:58,410 --> 00:19:00,792
No, I am not going to finish.
339
00:19:04,750 --> 00:19:07,417
You left out a lot of words.
340
00:19:10,833 --> 00:19:13,375
I took the liberty
of restoring them.
341
00:19:18,917 --> 00:19:22,021
I was in upstate New York
in a small town,
342
00:19:22,056 --> 00:19:25,125
and I was standing
in front of a drugstore.
343
00:19:25,160 --> 00:19:26,590
And in the window
of the drugstore,
344
00:19:26,625 --> 00:19:30,917
they had a wheelchair
on display in the window.
345
00:19:30,952 --> 00:19:34,875
Is that really
an impulse purchase?
346
00:19:37,625 --> 00:19:40,215
"Hmm...
347
00:19:40,250 --> 00:19:43,562
I should get a wheelchair.
348
00:19:43,597 --> 00:19:47,694
That would really help
349
00:19:47,729 --> 00:19:51,757
with my paralysis.
350
00:19:51,792 --> 00:19:55,458
Then I wouldn't have to
drag myself
351
00:19:55,493 --> 00:19:57,465
everywhere I go
352
00:19:57,500 --> 00:20:00,792
like I've been doing for
10 years
353
00:20:00,827 --> 00:20:03,250
since my legs were blown off
354
00:20:03,285 --> 00:20:05,250
at the marathon. "
355
00:20:16,458 --> 00:20:20,257
Okay. Okay.
356
00:20:20,292 --> 00:20:22,833
Bunch of fuckin' hypocrites,
apparently,
357
00:20:22,868 --> 00:20:25,340
because let me point
somethin' out to you.
358
00:20:25,375 --> 00:20:28,333
Let me point somethin' out to
you motherfuckers.
359
00:20:28,368 --> 00:20:30,048
You are just, like, seconds ago,
360
00:20:30,083 --> 00:20:35,417
laughing at a man with no legs
crawling on the ground.
361
00:20:35,452 --> 00:20:37,000
You're just -
362
00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:40,465
And then at the end,
you're like,
363
00:20:40,500 --> 00:20:44,792
"Oh, but not those
particular legless people.
364
00:20:44,827 --> 00:20:47,340
No!
365
00:20:47,375 --> 00:20:48,958
We thought you meant
just some asshole
366
00:20:48,993 --> 00:20:52,257
with a childhood disease
367
00:20:52,292 --> 00:20:55,250
who deserves to be laughed at.
368
00:20:55,285 --> 00:20:59,173
Not one of those. "
369
00:20:59,208 --> 00:21:04,000
No, we're laughing
at all legless people equally.
370
00:21:04,035 --> 00:21:06,792
However you lost your legs:
371
00:21:06,827 --> 00:21:10,298
Ha-ha-ha,
372
00:21:10,333 --> 00:21:13,292
you haven't legs.
373
00:21:15,750 --> 00:21:18,000
And we've legs.
374
00:21:22,708 --> 00:21:25,292
I have legs - I have two legs.
Two fucking legs -
375
00:21:25,327 --> 00:21:27,997
that's the maximum amount.
376
00:21:28,032 --> 00:21:30,667
Fuckin' love having two legs.
377
00:21:30,702 --> 00:21:32,298
I fucking love it.
378
00:21:32,333 --> 00:21:33,548
I wouldn't like having no legs.
379
00:21:33,583 --> 00:21:35,708
I really don't think
I would like it.
380
00:21:35,743 --> 00:21:37,340
I think it would suck.
381
00:21:37,375 --> 00:21:39,375
I think would suck shit
out of the balls of Christ.
382
00:21:42,250 --> 00:21:43,958
It's an old Southern expression,
it's not...
383
00:21:43,993 --> 00:21:46,750
Used like it used to be.
384
00:21:48,792 --> 00:21:50,458
I think two legs
is better than none.
385
00:21:50,493 --> 00:21:51,798
That's what I think.
386
00:21:51,833 --> 00:21:54,298
That's just my opinion.
It's not popular.
387
00:21:54,333 --> 00:21:56,042
You're not supposed to say that
because you're supposed to
388
00:21:56,077 --> 00:21:59,132
always be very positive
about disabled people.
389
00:21:59,167 --> 00:22:02,000
But I think that puts pressure
on them to be positive.
390
00:22:02,035 --> 00:22:03,507
What if they don't want to be?
391
00:22:03,542 --> 00:22:05,917
Because the only story
we want to hear is about
392
00:22:05,952 --> 00:22:08,257
the amazing disabled people -
"He's amazing. "
393
00:22:08,292 --> 00:22:11,792
"He lost his legs, then he won
the leg having contest. "
394
00:22:13,500 --> 00:22:15,292
What about disabled people
who aren't amazing,
395
00:22:15,327 --> 00:22:17,017
who are just ordinary
with a sweatshirt
396
00:22:17,052 --> 00:22:18,708
and some potato chips,
and he's going,
397
00:22:18,743 --> 00:22:20,923
"Fuck, I wish I had legs. "
"No!
398
00:22:20,958 --> 00:22:23,923
No, this is better!
It's better with no legs. "
399
00:22:23,958 --> 00:22:26,042
"Why is it better?"
Because you can do anything now.
400
00:22:26,077 --> 00:22:28,000
I can do four things.
Fuck off.
401
00:22:30,667 --> 00:22:33,458
I just don't know
that our positive non-disabled
402
00:22:33,493 --> 00:22:34,757
attitude really helps.
403
00:22:34,792 --> 00:22:36,465
Like retarded people - let's -
404
00:22:36,500 --> 00:22:39,958
we're gonna talk about
retarded people for 20 minutes.
405
00:22:39,993 --> 00:22:43,121
Just - that's what's
gonna happen.
406
00:22:43,156 --> 00:22:46,250
We're going to discuss
retarded people
407
00:22:46,285 --> 00:22:48,507
for 20 minutes.
408
00:22:48,542 --> 00:22:51,000
It's not okay to not -
never speak of them.
409
00:22:51,035 --> 00:22:53,750
No, we're gonna talk about them.
410
00:22:53,785 --> 00:22:55,257
First of all, I want -
411
00:22:55,292 --> 00:22:57,229
mostly I wanna talk about
the word "retarded. "
412
00:22:57,264 --> 00:22:59,167
Okay? Because the word retarded,
it's a bad word
413
00:22:59,202 --> 00:23:01,375
and people do not like
the word retarded,
414
00:23:01,410 --> 00:23:02,673
they find it very offensive.
415
00:23:02,708 --> 00:23:04,437
Now, I'm a little confused
by this
416
00:23:04,472 --> 00:23:06,132
because it wasn't always
a bad word.
417
00:23:06,167 --> 00:23:08,750
And I grew up in the '70s
and it wasn't bad back then.
418
00:23:08,785 --> 00:23:10,917
And you most bad words
were always bad, you know.
419
00:23:10,952 --> 00:23:13,000
"Cunt" never had
a day in the sun.
420
00:23:13,035 --> 00:23:15,298
There was never a...
421
00:23:15,333 --> 00:23:17,458
a time where the Santa Clause
of the mall was like,
422
00:23:17,493 --> 00:23:18,798
"C'mere, you little cunt.
423
00:23:18,833 --> 00:23:20,167
Tell me what you want
for Christmas. "
424
00:23:23,750 --> 00:23:25,257
And then in the '90s,
we're like,
425
00:23:25,292 --> 00:23:28,458
"Let's lay off of 'cunt'
a little bit there, gang. "
426
00:23:29,917 --> 00:23:31,750
No, the word -
we used the word retarded
427
00:23:31,785 --> 00:23:33,048
in the '70s,
428
00:23:33,083 --> 00:23:35,083
we used it to identify
429
00:23:35,118 --> 00:23:37,083
people who were retarded.
430
00:23:41,958 --> 00:23:43,833
It wasn't controversial,
it wasn't like -
431
00:23:43,868 --> 00:23:45,257
"He's retarded. "
432
00:23:45,292 --> 00:23:46,583
It was like, "He is retarded. "
433
00:23:50,500 --> 00:23:52,562
This fellow right here
434
00:23:52,597 --> 00:23:54,590
is retarded, right?
435
00:23:54,625 --> 00:23:55,792
I told you, yes,
you're still retarded.
436
00:23:55,827 --> 00:23:58,517
He is retarded,
everyone.
437
00:23:58,552 --> 00:24:01,173
And I grew up in Boston.
438
00:24:01,208 --> 00:24:02,854
We didn't say
"retarded" in Boston.
439
00:24:02,889 --> 00:24:05,236
We said "re-tah-ded. "
440
00:24:05,271 --> 00:24:07,548
"He's re-tah-ded. "
441
00:24:07,583 --> 00:24:11,000
"God bless him,
he's fuckin' re-tah-ded. "
442
00:24:14,875 --> 00:24:17,021
That's the way we used it!
443
00:24:17,056 --> 00:24:19,132
With love: help the retarded.
444
00:24:19,167 --> 00:24:21,292
That's what people said
in the '70s.
445
00:24:21,327 --> 00:24:22,882
"Help the retarded. "
446
00:24:22,917 --> 00:24:24,833
There was a lady outside
the supermarket near my house
447
00:24:24,868 --> 00:24:26,375
every Christmas with a bell,
she was like,
448
00:24:26,410 --> 00:24:29,215
"Help the retarded!
449
00:24:29,250 --> 00:24:31,792
Help the fucking retarded!"
450
00:24:34,417 --> 00:24:37,417
You gonna tell me
she was a bad person?
451
00:24:37,452 --> 00:24:39,292
She was helpin'
the retarded.
452
00:24:41,500 --> 00:24:43,542
And I feel like we had
more of them around back then.
453
00:24:43,577 --> 00:24:45,632
I haven't seen one in years.
454
00:24:45,667 --> 00:24:48,500
In the '70s, there was
a retarded guy in a windbreaker
455
00:24:48,535 --> 00:24:50,625
on every street corner.
456
00:24:53,667 --> 00:24:56,583
They - we were using the word
and they were more in our lives.
457
00:24:56,618 --> 00:24:58,583
I swear to God, they were more.
458
00:24:58,618 --> 00:25:00,548
They were in our culture.
459
00:25:00,583 --> 00:25:03,458
There was TV movies about
retarded people all the time.
460
00:25:03,493 --> 00:25:06,705
"Tonight on ABC,
'A Retarded Boy's Dream'."
461
00:25:06,740 --> 00:25:09,266
There was one I remember
with Shaun Cassidy,
462
00:25:09,301 --> 00:25:11,671
I don't know if you remember
Shaun Cassidy,
463
00:25:11,706 --> 00:25:14,042
some of you are too young,
but Shaun Cassidy,
464
00:25:14,077 --> 00:25:16,965
he began his career
as a teen pop idol.
465
00:25:17,000 --> 00:25:19,708
He was a 13 year old boy
with a very hit song
466
00:25:19,743 --> 00:25:21,632
called "Da Doo Ron Ron. "
467
00:25:21,667 --> 00:25:25,958
And he had feathered blond hair
and juicy lips.
468
00:25:25,993 --> 00:25:30,250
He was on the cover
of Teen Beat magazine, like...
469
00:25:30,285 --> 00:25:31,833
And everybody likes
Shaun Cassidy
470
00:25:31,868 --> 00:25:33,059
'cause he was sexy.
471
00:25:33,094 --> 00:25:34,215
Was a sexy boy.
472
00:25:34,250 --> 00:25:36,048
I thought he was sexy.
473
00:25:36,083 --> 00:25:37,417
I - I thought he was
really sexy.
474
00:25:37,452 --> 00:25:39,548
I was six years old,
475
00:25:39,583 --> 00:25:41,542
but I already had inappropriate
sex feelings
476
00:25:41,577 --> 00:25:44,750
for teenage boys when I was six.
477
00:25:44,785 --> 00:25:47,871
I was an old soul.
478
00:25:47,906 --> 00:25:50,923
I was -
479
00:25:50,958 --> 00:25:53,333
I was a pedophile
when I was six.
480
00:25:55,500 --> 00:25:57,375
I used to go up to teenage boys
when I was six,
481
00:25:57,410 --> 00:26:00,163
I was like,
"Hey, how's it going?"
482
00:26:00,198 --> 00:26:02,917
That kid's weird,
he's got a boner.
483
00:26:05,625 --> 00:26:07,090
Anyway..
484
00:26:07,125 --> 00:26:09,625
Not anymore,
I outgrew it,
485
00:26:09,660 --> 00:26:11,833
but, uh...
486
00:26:11,868 --> 00:26:13,590
No.
487
00:26:13,625 --> 00:26:17,417
I'm not - I'm not sexually
attracted to teenage boys.
488
00:26:17,452 --> 00:26:20,215
I'm not. I'm not.
489
00:26:20,250 --> 00:26:23,125
But I don't not get it.
I mean, I -
490
00:26:23,160 --> 00:26:25,715
I get it.
491
00:26:25,750 --> 00:26:30,125
I'm not like, "What?!"
Like...
492
00:26:30,160 --> 00:26:33,298
You can see it.
493
00:26:33,333 --> 00:26:35,048
Like, I was in an airport once
494
00:26:35,083 --> 00:26:37,625
and I'm walking along where
people walk in the airport,
495
00:26:37,660 --> 00:26:40,125
and there was these chairs
facing the aisle,
496
00:26:40,160 --> 00:26:42,226
and there is this family
sitting there,
497
00:26:42,261 --> 00:26:44,257
a mom and a dad
and two teenage boys.
498
00:26:44,292 --> 00:26:46,292
And they're, like, just both
sitting with their phones
499
00:26:46,327 --> 00:26:47,833
with their legs -
they were wearing, like,
500
00:26:47,868 --> 00:26:49,833
these shorts -
one had cutoff shorts
501
00:26:49,868 --> 00:26:51,798
and one had basketball shorts.
502
00:26:51,833 --> 00:26:53,167
And they both just had
their legs open
503
00:26:53,202 --> 00:26:54,292
'cause they don't give a fuck,
504
00:26:54,327 --> 00:26:57,173
both legs just splayed.
505
00:26:57,208 --> 00:26:59,167
And then just this -
just smooth.
506
00:26:59,202 --> 00:27:02,125
You know, just very...
507
00:27:02,160 --> 00:27:05,673
And I saw it.
508
00:27:05,708 --> 00:27:09,250
Didn't give me a -
didn't do anything to me,
509
00:27:09,285 --> 00:27:11,382
but I kind of wanted to stop
and go,
510
00:27:11,417 --> 00:27:14,417
"Hey, fellows, let's -
let's close that shit up, huh?
511
00:27:14,452 --> 00:27:15,917
You're not getting me,
but I know you're causing
512
00:27:15,952 --> 00:27:19,500
a problem
for somebody in this airport.
513
00:27:19,535 --> 00:27:21,083
Let's close it up. "
514
00:27:23,917 --> 00:27:25,798
I did not say that...
515
00:27:25,833 --> 00:27:27,583
Otherwise I wouldn't be here.
516
00:27:32,125 --> 00:27:34,375
Anyway, let's return to
the comfortable subject
517
00:27:34,410 --> 00:27:36,167
of retarded people, shall we?
518
00:27:40,708 --> 00:27:44,292
So Shaun Cassidy:
Shaun Cassidy was a teen singer
519
00:27:44,327 --> 00:27:46,590
who then grew up -
he was about 18-
520
00:27:46,625 --> 00:27:49,625
he was, you know, old and gross.
nobody wanted to fuck him.
521
00:27:49,660 --> 00:27:52,590
So he started to act,
and he had
522
00:27:52,625 --> 00:27:55,833
a movie on TV
called "Normal People,"
523
00:27:55,868 --> 00:27:57,392
where he played
a retarded man
524
00:27:57,427 --> 00:27:58,901
who wants to live
a normal life -
525
00:27:58,936 --> 00:28:00,384
it was very inspiring, actually.
526
00:28:00,419 --> 00:28:01,798
And at one point he goes to -
527
00:28:01,833 --> 00:28:03,791
he didn't do, like,
a big retarded character.
528
00:28:03,826 --> 00:28:05,750
He wore thick glasses,
he talked like Elmer Fudd.
529
00:28:05,785 --> 00:28:07,340
That was the whole thing.
530
00:28:07,375 --> 00:28:09,729
So he goes up to the guy
who runs the group home
531
00:28:09,764 --> 00:28:12,083
he lives in and he says,
"I want to get a job. "
532
00:28:12,118 --> 00:28:14,038
And the guys who runs it
is like,
533
00:28:14,073 --> 00:28:15,995
you know, Republican,
conservative.
534
00:28:16,030 --> 00:28:17,917
So he's like,
"You can get a job,
535
00:28:17,952 --> 00:28:20,458
you're retarded!"
You know.
536
00:28:24,042 --> 00:28:26,417
But - but then there's
a liberal lady who works there
537
00:28:26,452 --> 00:28:30,167
and she says, "Of course
he can get a job.
538
00:28:30,202 --> 00:28:32,917
He's as good as anyone!"
539
00:28:35,000 --> 00:28:36,625
So they let him get a job
540
00:28:36,660 --> 00:28:38,267
as an air traffic controller
541
00:28:38,302 --> 00:28:39,875
or whatever was available.
542
00:28:39,910 --> 00:28:42,125
And then...
543
00:28:45,042 --> 00:28:46,583
He meets a woman
who's also retarded,
544
00:28:46,618 --> 00:28:48,257
who lives at the group home.
545
00:28:48,292 --> 00:28:50,250
He falls in love with her.
It's a very nice love story.
546
00:28:50,285 --> 00:28:52,667
And he says,
"We want to get married. "
547
00:28:52,702 --> 00:28:55,382
And the guy says, "Brr!"
548
00:28:55,417 --> 00:28:57,833
She says, "But they're in love!"
549
00:28:57,868 --> 00:28:59,423
So they get married.
550
00:28:59,458 --> 00:29:02,708
And then one day he says,
"We want to have a baby. "
551
00:29:02,743 --> 00:29:03,792
And the liberal lady says,
552
00:29:03,827 --> 00:29:05,792
"No fucking way. "
553
00:29:08,083 --> 00:29:11,125
And they just
shut them down right there.
554
00:29:11,160 --> 00:29:13,007
And that's the end of the movie.
555
00:29:13,042 --> 00:29:16,840
I swear to God,
that's just how it ends.
556
00:29:16,875 --> 00:29:18,833
And the point of the movie
is just, you know,
557
00:29:18,868 --> 00:29:20,792
hey, there's a limit -
like, that's, I guess,
558
00:29:20,827 --> 00:29:23,705
what the point of it was.
559
00:29:23,740 --> 00:29:26,548
And that's pretty intense.
560
00:29:26,583 --> 00:29:28,798
But, hey, retarded people
were on television,
561
00:29:28,833 --> 00:29:31,007
we were talking about it,
we were dealing with it -
562
00:29:31,042 --> 00:29:34,583
and they said the word retarded
about 50,000 times in the movie.
563
00:29:34,618 --> 00:29:36,792
Now, we don't say the word
and I don't see 'em anywhere.
564
00:29:36,827 --> 00:29:38,257
I guess that's
my problem with it.
565
00:29:38,292 --> 00:29:41,896
And also, the word is not
basically a bad word.
566
00:29:41,931 --> 00:29:44,965
It's a medical term,
but it became a bad word
567
00:29:45,000 --> 00:29:48,000
because it's used as an insult,
really -
568
00:29:48,035 --> 00:29:49,792
not towards
retarded people.
569
00:29:49,827 --> 00:29:51,882
Nobody does that.
570
00:29:51,917 --> 00:29:55,042
Nobody calls retarded people
retarded to insult them.
571
00:29:55,077 --> 00:29:57,715
What would be
the point of that?
572
00:29:57,750 --> 00:29:59,354
That would be like going up
to a chair
573
00:29:59,389 --> 00:30:00,958
and saying,
"You're fuckin chair!"
574
00:30:00,993 --> 00:30:04,542
Like, what are you doing?
575
00:30:04,577 --> 00:30:06,007
No.
576
00:30:06,042 --> 00:30:07,465
People use it
on their friends,
577
00:30:07,500 --> 00:30:09,375
like, you're at a bar,
your friend's like,
578
00:30:09,410 --> 00:30:11,215
"I don't have any more money
for beer,"
579
00:30:11,250 --> 00:30:15,833
and you're like, "You're fucking
retarded, you know that?"
580
00:30:15,868 --> 00:30:18,757
And in that moment,
no one retarded is insulted.
581
00:30:18,792 --> 00:30:22,458
They're not. Do you know why?
Because they're not there!
582
00:30:22,493 --> 00:30:25,083
'Cause we don't include them
in our lives.
583
00:30:25,118 --> 00:30:26,840
They're not at the bar -
584
00:30:26,875 --> 00:30:29,042
How many of you have
a retarded drinking buddy
585
00:30:29,077 --> 00:30:30,667
that you hang out with?
586
00:30:33,000 --> 00:30:35,250
No, you take 'em to the zoo
when they're little him
587
00:30:35,285 --> 00:30:36,833
and then fuck 'em.
588
00:30:41,000 --> 00:30:43,458
This is what I find confusing
about this thing,
589
00:30:43,493 --> 00:30:46,042
is that we told many generations
of people
590
00:30:46,077 --> 00:30:47,798
that they are retarded.
591
00:30:47,833 --> 00:30:49,979
We told them that that's what
they are and they lived with it,
592
00:30:50,014 --> 00:30:52,125
and they dealt with it, and then
we just decided it's a bad word.
593
00:30:52,160 --> 00:30:54,840
So did we tell them this?
594
00:30:54,875 --> 00:30:57,541
Did we go back to them
and explain this to them?
595
00:30:57,576 --> 00:31:00,208
"Listen, Nelson, I have
somethin' to tell you,
596
00:31:00,243 --> 00:31:03,750
you're not retarded anymore. "
597
00:31:03,785 --> 00:31:05,382
"You mean I'm cured?"
598
00:31:05,417 --> 00:31:09,590
"No! No, no.
599
00:31:09,625 --> 00:31:12,417
Nah, we're not
even working on it. "
600
00:31:29,042 --> 00:31:30,875
Anyway, I've been traveling.
601
00:31:35,583 --> 00:31:37,132
I went to France last year
602
00:31:37,167 --> 00:31:38,833
because I thought
I should leave the nation -
603
00:31:38,868 --> 00:31:41,257
felt like a good idea.
604
00:31:41,292 --> 00:31:43,292
Would have left the planet if
they had another one of those.
605
00:31:43,327 --> 00:31:44,798
But...
606
00:31:44,833 --> 00:31:46,465
When I went to France,
I had a great time.
607
00:31:46,500 --> 00:31:48,500
I fell in love. I met a woman.
I fell in love in France.
608
00:31:48,535 --> 00:31:49,840
And we've been together
since then.
609
00:31:49,875 --> 00:31:52,298
It's been nice.
610
00:31:52,333 --> 00:31:54,132
Yeah, okay, it's nice having
a girlfriend
611
00:31:54,167 --> 00:31:56,333
from another country because you
learn a lot about that country.
612
00:31:56,368 --> 00:31:58,038
I learn a lot about France
from being with her.
613
00:31:58,073 --> 00:31:59,708
I never knew these things
about - like, one time
614
00:31:59,743 --> 00:32:01,833
she was sick, and I was taking
care of her,
615
00:32:01,868 --> 00:32:03,208
so I gave her -
she had a fever.
616
00:32:03,243 --> 00:32:04,590
I gave her a thermometer
617
00:32:04,625 --> 00:32:06,500
and she put it in her asshole.
618
00:32:11,625 --> 00:32:16,000
Never seen that before;
turns out the whole country,
619
00:32:16,035 --> 00:32:20,375
all of France, puts thermometers
in their assholes.
620
00:32:20,410 --> 00:32:23,340
And they don't put
their eggs in the fridge.
621
00:32:23,375 --> 00:32:26,375
They have no respect for
temperature in either direction.
622
00:32:30,042 --> 00:32:31,382
I'd never - I was like,
623
00:32:31,417 --> 00:32:33,667
why are you putting it
in your asshole?
624
00:32:33,702 --> 00:32:37,247
She said, "You don't do this?
625
00:32:37,282 --> 00:32:40,757
You don't put here
in America?"
626
00:32:40,792 --> 00:32:44,083
I said, "No, we don't put
a glass thermometer
627
00:32:44,118 --> 00:32:47,417
filled with mercury
in our anuses...
628
00:32:47,452 --> 00:32:49,208
You fucking savage. "
629
00:32:53,042 --> 00:32:56,542
Well, we do it to babies
and dogs
630
00:32:56,577 --> 00:33:00,007
'cause they can't talk.
631
00:33:00,042 --> 00:33:01,715
Every American baby's
first words is,
632
00:33:01,750 --> 00:33:03,917
"Get that fucking thing
out of my asshole. "
633
00:33:07,292 --> 00:33:09,812
You ever take
your dog's temperature?
634
00:33:09,847 --> 00:33:12,333
You have to hold
your dog's ass still,
635
00:33:12,368 --> 00:33:14,798
and then you slip it in there
636
00:33:14,833 --> 00:33:18,375
and your dog looks to you like,
"Why would you do that?!
637
00:33:18,410 --> 00:33:20,375
Why would you do that to me?!"
638
00:33:23,750 --> 00:33:27,625
And you're like, "I could never
explain it to you,
639
00:33:27,660 --> 00:33:29,833
but I need to hold it here
for 60 seconds. "
640
00:33:35,125 --> 00:33:36,958
Dogs are so dumb,
641
00:33:36,993 --> 00:33:38,757
it's fucking tragic.
642
00:33:38,792 --> 00:33:41,132
It's sad how dumb
they are.
643
00:33:41,167 --> 00:33:44,042
They're in our lives
and they know nothing
644
00:33:44,077 --> 00:33:45,976
about what's happening.
645
00:33:46,011 --> 00:33:47,840
You ever been having, like,
646
00:33:47,875 --> 00:33:49,340
a dramatic
moment in your family,
647
00:33:49,375 --> 00:33:51,292
like, you're in the living room
telling the kids
648
00:33:51,327 --> 00:33:54,042
that grandma died,
and everybody's crying,
649
00:33:54,077 --> 00:33:55,458
and the dog's sitting there
like...
650
00:34:02,042 --> 00:34:05,000
"I know you! Ha!"
651
00:34:05,035 --> 00:34:07,923
They're so stupid!
652
00:34:07,958 --> 00:34:10,715
Incredibly stupid animals.
653
00:34:10,750 --> 00:34:12,250
They don't even know their own
lives, they don't even -
654
00:34:12,285 --> 00:34:15,042
they can't even handle
their own lives mentally.
655
00:34:15,077 --> 00:34:17,173
You ever throw a ball
for your dog
656
00:34:17,208 --> 00:34:18,958
and your dog gets the ball
and brings it,
657
00:34:18,993 --> 00:34:20,000
and then you
throw the ball again,
658
00:34:20,035 --> 00:34:21,423
and the dog brings it.
659
00:34:21,458 --> 00:34:22,667
And then one of the times
you throw the ball,
660
00:34:22,702 --> 00:34:24,601
the dog looks at you like,
661
00:34:24,636 --> 00:34:26,500
"I didn't see what happened.
662
00:34:26,535 --> 00:34:29,423
I'm sorry, I...
663
00:34:29,458 --> 00:34:33,048
I don't know anything now.
Please help. "
664
00:34:33,083 --> 00:34:35,333
So you point at the ball,
"There it is, right there.
665
00:34:35,368 --> 00:34:36,632
It's right there. "
666
00:34:36,667 --> 00:34:39,173
And the dog just looks
at your finger
667
00:34:39,208 --> 00:34:43,167
'cause there's just no way
he's gonna get this concept
668
00:34:43,202 --> 00:34:45,458
that there's
an invisible line...
669
00:34:47,917 --> 00:34:50,875
...that he can follow
with his imagination.
670
00:34:54,792 --> 00:34:56,173
I have a great dog.
671
00:34:56,208 --> 00:34:57,833
I've got a dog last year.
She's a great dog.
672
00:34:57,868 --> 00:34:59,458
I did not adopt her, I'll be
honest with you.
673
00:34:59,493 --> 00:35:01,167
I bought her with money.
674
00:35:01,202 --> 00:35:03,423
That's the truth.
675
00:35:03,458 --> 00:35:05,417
People always ask me
when I walk my dog in New York,
676
00:35:05,452 --> 00:35:07,125
"That's a beautiful dog.
Is she a rescue?"
677
00:35:07,160 --> 00:35:08,375
I'm like,
"No, she's very expensive.
678
00:35:08,410 --> 00:35:09,958
Please don't touch her. "
679
00:35:13,125 --> 00:35:15,958
I did rescue a dog last year,
680
00:35:15,993 --> 00:35:18,792
and it bit everyone
in my life,
681
00:35:18,827 --> 00:35:21,298
so I un-rescued it,
682
00:35:21,333 --> 00:35:23,375
and I bought a dog that works.
683
00:35:27,583 --> 00:35:30,729
In New York, everybody rescues
their dogs,
684
00:35:30,764 --> 00:35:33,875
like, "I rescued this dog.
I rescued her.
685
00:35:33,910 --> 00:35:36,996
She has no eyes
686
00:35:37,031 --> 00:35:40,083
and she's dead.
687
00:35:42,208 --> 00:35:44,208
I hate New York, I really do -
I used to love New York,
688
00:35:44,243 --> 00:35:45,715
but I hate it now,
I really -
689
00:35:45,750 --> 00:35:47,292
I'd rather be in Auschwitz than
in New York City.
690
00:35:47,327 --> 00:35:48,965
Honestly, I would.
691
00:35:49,000 --> 00:35:51,542
I mean -
I mean Auschwitz now.
692
00:35:51,577 --> 00:35:53,892
I mean, today Auschwitz.
693
00:35:53,927 --> 00:35:56,422
Not back when it was open.
694
00:35:56,457 --> 00:35:58,917
I mean, now - it's nice now.
695
00:35:58,952 --> 00:36:01,090
There's a gift shop.
696
00:36:01,125 --> 00:36:02,792
People go there on purpose.
697
00:36:02,827 --> 00:36:04,507
They buy tickets.
698
00:36:04,542 --> 00:36:06,173
I think that's weird...
699
00:36:06,208 --> 00:36:08,750
That people
buy tickets to Auschwitz.
700
00:36:08,785 --> 00:36:10,173
That's weird.
701
00:36:10,208 --> 00:36:12,333
If you could have
told those people back then,
702
00:36:12,368 --> 00:36:14,458
"People are going to buy tickets
to come here.
703
00:36:20,000 --> 00:36:23,417
Wrap your head around that.
704
00:36:23,452 --> 00:36:25,715
Jew. "
705
00:36:25,750 --> 00:36:28,062
That's -
All right. I'm sorry.
706
00:36:28,097 --> 00:36:30,375
I'm sorry, never again,
I promise.
707
00:36:33,125 --> 00:36:35,208
That's what we say about
the Holocaust: Never again,
708
00:36:35,243 --> 00:36:36,913
'cause they killed
six million Jews.
709
00:36:36,948 --> 00:36:38,548
If they only killed,
like, 10,000,
710
00:36:38,583 --> 00:36:41,757
would it be like,
"Okay, two more times,
711
00:36:41,792 --> 00:36:47,042
and then taper off
because it's a little much. "
712
00:36:47,077 --> 00:36:48,590
I'll tell you, I went
to Auschwitz -
713
00:36:48,625 --> 00:36:50,208
this is a true story, I actually
did go to Auschwitz
714
00:36:50,243 --> 00:36:53,382
because I was doing shows
in Poland
715
00:36:53,417 --> 00:36:56,625
because I had to go
to Poland to do shows.
716
00:36:56,660 --> 00:36:57,798
So...
717
00:36:57,833 --> 00:37:02,507
So...
718
00:37:02,542 --> 00:37:04,632
I was in Krakow.
719
00:37:04,667 --> 00:37:06,257
I was in Krakow,
so I went to the camp,
720
00:37:06,292 --> 00:37:08,500
and I went there because of
a very personal reason -
721
00:37:08,535 --> 00:37:10,708
because I had family there,
I had a lot of family there.
722
00:37:10,743 --> 00:37:12,500
Forty-four members of my family
were in Auschwitz
723
00:37:12,535 --> 00:37:14,090
during World War II.
724
00:37:14,125 --> 00:37:16,396
I mean, they were guards,
they worked there.
725
00:37:16,431 --> 00:37:18,667
No, no, no, no.
They were Jews and they died.
726
00:37:18,702 --> 00:37:20,583
It's okay.
Don't be offended.
727
00:37:20,618 --> 00:37:23,048
It's true.
728
00:37:23,083 --> 00:37:24,958
We lost the whole family there,
everybody -
729
00:37:24,993 --> 00:37:26,833
the whole - because we were
Hungarian Jews.
730
00:37:26,868 --> 00:37:29,673
My grandfather
on my father's side,
731
00:37:29,708 --> 00:37:32,375
he's the only one who made it;
the rest them, all 44 of them,
732
00:37:32,410 --> 00:37:36,208
went to Auschwitz, which I think
they really regretted.
733
00:37:36,243 --> 00:37:37,840
But that's -
that's what happened,
734
00:37:37,875 --> 00:37:39,854
because the Hungarians sent
all their Jews to -
735
00:37:39,889 --> 00:37:42,278
They didn't - they weren't
even occupied, Hungary,
736
00:37:42,313 --> 00:37:44,667
they're just like,
"Yeah, take - take our Jews. "
737
00:37:44,702 --> 00:37:46,038
And they sent
my whole family there.
738
00:37:46,073 --> 00:37:47,375
And they were all -
died in Auschwitz,
739
00:37:47,410 --> 00:37:48,798
all except for him.
740
00:37:48,833 --> 00:37:50,542
My grandfather's the only one
who made it.
741
00:37:50,577 --> 00:37:52,830
Because he got
the fuck out of there
742
00:37:52,865 --> 00:37:55,048
before it started -
in the late '20s,
743
00:37:55,083 --> 00:37:58,625
he fucking smelled that shit
and he got the fuck out.
744
00:37:58,660 --> 00:38:01,083
And he went to Mexico.
He migrated to Mexico.
745
00:38:01,118 --> 00:38:02,715
And we found
his immigration card.
746
00:38:02,750 --> 00:38:05,083
My uncle and I did the family
history and we found it.
747
00:38:05,118 --> 00:38:07,705
It says,
"Nationality: Hungarian,"
748
00:38:07,740 --> 00:38:09,891
and it says,
"Religion: Catholic. "
749
00:38:09,926 --> 00:38:12,042
And there's a picture
of him like.
750
00:38:15,458 --> 00:38:17,583
He's like, "Fuck it, they don't
know what a Jew looks like
751
00:38:17,618 --> 00:38:21,590
in Mexico -
that's where I'm going!"
752
00:38:21,625 --> 00:38:23,375
And that's why I'm alive,
because he made that choice.
753
00:38:23,410 --> 00:38:25,507
It's also why I'm not Jewish,
754
00:38:25,542 --> 00:38:28,833
'cause he was like, "Jew-schmoo,
we're not fucking Jewish.
755
00:38:28,868 --> 00:38:32,371
Somos catolicas. "
756
00:38:32,406 --> 00:38:35,840
That was my abuelito.
757
00:38:35,875 --> 00:38:37,590
Became a fuckin' Mexican fast.
758
00:38:37,625 --> 00:38:40,292
That's what happened,
that's how he made it.
759
00:38:40,327 --> 00:38:42,559
Was a fascinating guy,
my grandfather.
760
00:38:42,594 --> 00:38:44,792
His name was Geza.
That was his name.
761
00:38:44,827 --> 00:38:49,798
And he had a brother named Geza.
762
00:38:49,833 --> 00:38:52,625
It's weird, but I looked it up,
and here's what happened:
763
00:38:52,660 --> 00:38:55,625
His parents had a baby and they
named it Geza,
764
00:38:55,660 --> 00:38:57,215
and it died -
the baby died.
765
00:38:57,250 --> 00:38:59,708
So they had another one
and they just said,
766
00:38:59,743 --> 00:39:01,309
"Fuck it, Geza,
just do it again,"
767
00:39:01,344 --> 00:39:02,840
because that's what it was like.
768
00:39:02,875 --> 00:39:05,173
Babies died,
it was no big deal back then.
769
00:39:05,208 --> 00:39:06,750
It was just like,
"Yeah, that was a shitty baby.
770
00:39:06,785 --> 00:39:09,632
Let's do another one. "
771
00:39:09,667 --> 00:39:12,007
"Why'd your baby die?"
"Because it sucked -
772
00:39:12,042 --> 00:39:14,125
Why does any baby die?
At least we found out quick.
773
00:39:14,160 --> 00:39:17,257
Fuck it.
This one's good. "
774
00:39:17,292 --> 00:39:19,750
That's what it was like forever
until recently.
775
00:39:19,785 --> 00:39:22,173
The human race
was all the good babies
776
00:39:22,208 --> 00:39:25,417
and the shitty ones, pbbt!
That's just the way it worked.
777
00:39:25,452 --> 00:39:27,517
It's not like that now.
778
00:39:27,552 --> 00:39:29,548
Now we save every baby.
779
00:39:29,583 --> 00:39:32,507
The shittier the baby,
the bigger the effort.
780
00:39:32,542 --> 00:39:35,292
Because we love it, we love
saving the shitty babies.
781
00:39:35,327 --> 00:39:38,042
There's always a documentary,
"Look at this baby.
782
00:39:38,077 --> 00:39:40,875
He's a fucking mess.
Do you see that shit?
783
00:39:40,910 --> 00:39:44,184
We're gonna save it,
make it live. "
784
00:39:44,219 --> 00:39:47,458
And the baby's like,
"Please don't!"
785
00:39:52,042 --> 00:39:53,875
But we'd rather - we don't like
when babies die,
786
00:39:53,910 --> 00:39:55,458
we get more upset
when a baby dies.
787
00:39:55,493 --> 00:39:57,882
Who knows this baby?
788
00:39:57,917 --> 00:39:59,840
"Did you hear about Jeff?"
789
00:39:59,875 --> 00:40:02,250
No, he was here for one day.
Nobody met him.
790
00:40:05,833 --> 00:40:08,687
And then if you die when
you're old, nobody gives a shit.
791
00:40:08,722 --> 00:40:10,923
They're lie, "Eh, he was here
long enough, fuck 'em. "
792
00:40:10,958 --> 00:40:13,125
You ever tell somebody,
like, your grandmother di-
793
00:40:13,160 --> 00:40:14,715
"My grandmother died. "
794
00:40:14,750 --> 00:40:16,083
They're like, "I'm so sorry.
How old was she?"
795
00:40:16,118 --> 00:40:19,042
"She was 98."
"Oh.
796
00:40:20,625 --> 00:40:23,042
So why'd you even tell me?"
797
00:40:26,833 --> 00:40:30,667
I'm 52 and I like my 50s,
I like this part of my life.
798
00:40:30,702 --> 00:40:33,017
It's my favorite so far.
I'll tell you why.
799
00:40:33,052 --> 00:40:35,333
Because I can still move
around pretty good.
800
00:40:35,368 --> 00:40:37,083
And I don't have long to live.
801
00:40:39,458 --> 00:40:41,507
I view that as a positive.
802
00:40:41,542 --> 00:40:43,125
Because life
is a lot of pressure.
803
00:40:43,160 --> 00:40:44,708
The more life
you have ahead of you,
804
00:40:44,743 --> 00:40:46,042
the more problems you have.
805
00:40:46,077 --> 00:40:47,705
Like, if you're 20,
806
00:40:47,740 --> 00:40:49,298
you might have 70 years
807
00:40:49,333 --> 00:40:52,145
to try not to be homeless
or alone during.
808
00:40:52,180 --> 00:40:54,923
But I can - I got
maybe 24 years left.
809
00:40:54,958 --> 00:40:57,042
I can handle that, like,
that's an amount of time,
810
00:40:57,077 --> 00:40:58,458
like, "Oh, yeah,
I can fucking do that.
811
00:40:58,493 --> 00:41:00,007
I can cover 24 years. "
812
00:41:00,042 --> 00:41:03,542
And it gets easier
every year less that I have.
813
00:41:03,577 --> 00:41:05,250
Like, I bought a winter coat
the other day
814
00:41:05,285 --> 00:41:07,226
I was like,
"This is my last coat.
815
00:41:07,261 --> 00:41:09,167
I don't need
a bunch of these.
816
00:41:09,202 --> 00:41:10,667
Gets easier.
817
00:41:13,917 --> 00:41:15,507
I used to - I used
to think I have to -
818
00:41:15,542 --> 00:41:17,917
I need to find a woman
who will be with me forever.
819
00:41:17,952 --> 00:41:20,833
I need string of girlfriends
at this point.
820
00:41:20,868 --> 00:41:22,173
Just a few more girl-
821
00:41:22,208 --> 00:41:24,500
I need three women
in their 40s
822
00:41:24,535 --> 00:41:27,090
to get me through my 50s,
823
00:41:27,125 --> 00:41:31,042
and two in their 50s
to get me through my 60s.
824
00:41:31,077 --> 00:41:32,958
And then when I'm 75,
825
00:41:32,993 --> 00:41:34,715
21 years old.
826
00:41:34,750 --> 00:41:36,548
That's when I'm doing that.
827
00:41:36,583 --> 00:41:39,604
Twenty one,
she gets the rest of my money.
828
00:41:39,639 --> 00:41:42,625
Just blow me to my grave
and keep the change.
829
00:41:46,500 --> 00:41:49,215
That's the offer on the table
830
00:41:49,250 --> 00:41:51,798
for anybody who's 21
when I'm 75.
831
00:41:51,833 --> 00:41:54,417
She hasn't been born yet,
but we'll see with the...
832
00:41:54,452 --> 00:41:56,667
we'll see what
the new crop brings.
833
00:42:01,542 --> 00:42:04,333
My French girlfriend,
she's 42, which is perfect.
834
00:42:04,368 --> 00:42:06,673
She's pornographically hot,
835
00:42:06,708 --> 00:42:10,132
but she's willing
to fuck this mess.
836
00:42:10,167 --> 00:42:12,208
Because you - really you
have to be over 40
837
00:42:12,243 --> 00:42:14,663
to have the compassion
838
00:42:14,698 --> 00:42:17,083
and the sense of humor
839
00:42:17,118 --> 00:42:19,840
to fuck around...
840
00:42:19,875 --> 00:42:21,548
She likes to be on top,
which I think is,
841
00:42:21,583 --> 00:42:23,417
that's 'cause that's the best
that I ever look
842
00:42:23,452 --> 00:42:26,090
is laying on my back
843
00:42:26,125 --> 00:42:29,333
because you just - all the skin
lays where it belongs.
844
00:42:29,368 --> 00:42:31,923
Like it just drapes nicely.
845
00:42:31,958 --> 00:42:35,479
I like about 49 and a half
when I'm on my back.
846
00:42:35,514 --> 00:42:38,798
And if I get on top of her,
I just - it comes off.
847
00:42:38,833 --> 00:42:42,083
It comes away from the bone
like barbecued pork.
848
00:42:44,458 --> 00:42:47,465
And this shit,
when you hang this,
849
00:42:47,500 --> 00:42:50,250
it's all red and bumpy.
It's like the roof of a cave.
850
00:42:50,285 --> 00:42:52,673
It's a nightmare.
851
00:42:52,708 --> 00:42:55,250
And my tits are like
flappy triangles
852
00:42:55,285 --> 00:42:57,923
with red tips.
853
00:42:57,958 --> 00:43:00,667
They look like candy corn
that somebody stepped on.
854
00:43:10,833 --> 00:43:12,757
But it's nice, uh...
855
00:43:12,792 --> 00:43:14,875
nice having a girlfriend,
it's better than being married
856
00:43:14,910 --> 00:43:15,958
because, you know,
with a girlfriend
857
00:43:15,993 --> 00:43:19,465
you can switch, and, uh...
858
00:43:19,500 --> 00:43:21,382
Marriage is -
fuck, that's hard.
859
00:43:21,417 --> 00:43:23,562
I feel bad for people
that are in bad marriages.
860
00:43:23,597 --> 00:43:25,382
That's - if you're in
a bad marriage, by the way,
861
00:43:25,417 --> 00:43:27,167
you know what you should do?
Just at stay home.
862
00:43:27,202 --> 00:43:29,767
Don't make people -
just self-quarantine.
863
00:43:29,802 --> 00:43:32,298
Don't make people fucking
look at you.
864
00:43:32,333 --> 00:43:34,104
You know, those couples
that come over for dinner
865
00:43:34,139 --> 00:43:35,875
and they're holding a gun
to each other's heads like,
866
00:43:35,910 --> 00:43:37,833
"Hi, thanks for having us. "
867
00:43:37,868 --> 00:43:40,173
Fuck.
868
00:43:40,208 --> 00:43:42,632
There's always that
awful moment at dinner.
869
00:43:42,667 --> 00:43:44,833
One of them's like, "We saw
that show on Wednesday. "
870
00:43:44,868 --> 00:43:47,625
The other one's like,
"It wasn't Wednesday. "
871
00:43:50,500 --> 00:43:53,083
We're going to fucking puke
because of your life.
872
00:43:53,118 --> 00:43:56,215
Oh, that's bad.
873
00:43:56,250 --> 00:44:00,667
I was on an airplane one time
and a married couple came on
874
00:44:00,702 --> 00:44:02,250
and they had been
sat separately.
875
00:44:02,285 --> 00:44:03,423
There was some mistake.
876
00:44:03,458 --> 00:44:05,215
So they're trying
to figure it out.
877
00:44:05,250 --> 00:44:08,500
And the woman, she's supposed to
sit here, she comes up to me.
878
00:44:08,535 --> 00:44:11,750
She says, "Would you mind moving
so I can sit with my husband?"
879
00:44:11,785 --> 00:44:13,333
And he's behind her.
He's like...
880
00:44:19,542 --> 00:44:21,673
And I wanted to help them,
881
00:44:21,708 --> 00:44:23,375
but what am I going
to say to his wife?
882
00:44:23,410 --> 00:44:25,205
Just, "No, I won't move. "
883
00:44:25,240 --> 00:44:26,965
Then I have to sit with her.
884
00:44:27,000 --> 00:44:29,958
So I just got off the plane.
I didn't go on the trip.
885
00:44:29,993 --> 00:44:31,934
I got off the plane
and it took off
886
00:44:31,969 --> 00:44:33,875
and it hit
the World Trade Center.
887
00:44:33,910 --> 00:44:36,215
So that was...
888
00:44:36,250 --> 00:44:38,798
Yeah, that was bad.
889
00:44:38,833 --> 00:44:40,833
I'll never forget that day.
890
00:44:43,000 --> 00:44:45,917
Ah, fuck, that was
so unnecessary.
891
00:44:45,952 --> 00:44:49,788
That was wildly unnecessary.
892
00:44:49,823 --> 00:44:53,590
I dunno, man.
I'm sorry.
893
00:44:53,625 --> 00:44:57,917
I'm fucking mentally ill,
I don't know...
894
00:44:57,952 --> 00:44:59,351
I've been thinking about this:
895
00:44:59,386 --> 00:45:00,715
I think the thing is, I think -
896
00:45:00,750 --> 00:45:04,048
I think I learned too early
in my life
897
00:45:04,083 --> 00:45:06,500
that when I say something
and people get angry,
898
00:45:06,535 --> 00:45:08,500
I just like how that feels.
899
00:45:08,535 --> 00:45:10,215
I don't know why,
900
00:45:10,250 --> 00:45:12,583
but I learned it too early,
I think that's the problem.
901
00:45:12,618 --> 00:45:14,132
I learned that when I was 6.
902
00:45:14,167 --> 00:45:16,465
That's too young
for that kind of...
903
00:45:16,500 --> 00:45:19,625
You know, I learned
all the bad words when I was 6.
904
00:45:19,660 --> 00:45:21,507
I learned them all
in one day
905
00:45:21,542 --> 00:45:24,167
from this old dude who hung
around our neighborhood.
906
00:45:24,202 --> 00:45:26,205
I don't know if he lived there
or what,
907
00:45:26,240 --> 00:45:28,208
but there this old dude
with a shitty coat
908
00:45:28,243 --> 00:45:29,757
and a dark tooth
909
00:45:29,792 --> 00:45:31,667
that was always walking
around my neighborhood.
910
00:45:31,702 --> 00:45:32,923
And if you're a kid
walking alone,
911
00:45:32,958 --> 00:45:34,917
he'd walk up and, "Hey,"
talk to you -
912
00:45:34,952 --> 00:45:36,340
because it was the '70s.
913
00:45:36,375 --> 00:45:38,257
You could just walk up to kids
and talk to 'em.
914
00:45:38,292 --> 00:45:42,250
Now you can't even fuck 'em,
it's crazy how things are...
915
00:45:46,333 --> 00:45:47,798
Sorry.
916
00:45:47,833 --> 00:45:50,715
I know it's wrong to fuck kids,
by the way,
917
00:45:50,750 --> 00:45:53,896
just to be clear, I know that
fucking children is wrong.
918
00:45:53,931 --> 00:45:57,042
I don't even need to be told.
I just know that it's wrong.
919
00:45:59,042 --> 00:46:01,583
I would know it was wrong,
even if it was popular.
920
00:46:04,083 --> 00:46:05,917
Even if people were like,
"You should fucking kids,
921
00:46:05,952 --> 00:46:08,007
it's great,"
922
00:46:08,042 --> 00:46:11,465
I wouldn't do it.
923
00:46:11,500 --> 00:46:13,132
Even if the kids came out
to me all the time,
924
00:46:13,167 --> 00:46:15,708
"You should fuck me, I like it.
I wouldn't mind at all. "
925
00:46:17,833 --> 00:46:20,000
I would say,
"No thank you, young man. "
926
00:46:24,500 --> 00:46:27,042
Even if doctors proved...
927
00:46:30,958 --> 00:46:34,583
...that it was beneficial to the
health of children to fuck them,
928
00:46:34,618 --> 00:46:36,007
I wouldn't do it. I would -
929
00:46:36,042 --> 00:46:38,250
I would - I wouldn't fuck a kid
to save his life.
930
00:46:38,285 --> 00:46:40,417
That's...
931
00:46:42,750 --> 00:46:45,291
Even even if somebody
said to me,
932
00:46:45,326 --> 00:46:47,798
"If you fuck just this one kid,
933
00:46:47,833 --> 00:46:52,125
then no kid will ever
get fucked ever again. "
934
00:46:52,160 --> 00:46:54,913
I might have to fuck that
one kid.
935
00:46:54,948 --> 00:46:57,667
That might be
the right thing to do.
936
00:46:57,702 --> 00:47:01,038
I'm saving all those kids.
937
00:47:01,073 --> 00:47:04,375
Oh, I'm saving them all.
938
00:47:04,410 --> 00:47:07,226
Not you, not you.
939
00:47:07,261 --> 00:47:10,042
You're the last one.
940
00:47:17,667 --> 00:47:20,840
It's hypothetically.
941
00:47:20,875 --> 00:47:26,257
Anyway, so the old man
came up to me on the street
942
00:47:26,292 --> 00:47:30,417
and he and he said, "Hey, do you
want to know all the bad words?
943
00:47:32,333 --> 00:47:34,965
And I said,
"Yes, I think I do. "
944
00:47:35,000 --> 00:47:39,437
So he's like, "All right. Okay.
Fuck, shit, piss,
945
00:47:39,472 --> 00:47:43,875
dick, balls, ass, cock,
diarrhea, pussy, fart, cum. "
946
00:47:43,910 --> 00:47:48,017
And I was like, "Oh!"
947
00:47:48,052 --> 00:47:52,090
Just felt so good.
948
00:47:52,125 --> 00:47:54,298
I went to school, I went right
up to my teacher, I said,
949
00:47:54,333 --> 00:47:58,458
"Fuck, shit, piss, dick, balls,
ask, cock, diarrhea, cum, fart. "
950
00:48:00,500 --> 00:48:02,500
And she started crying.
It's a true story.
951
00:48:02,535 --> 00:48:04,455
She was like -
952
00:48:04,490 --> 00:48:06,340
Started crying.
953
00:48:06,375 --> 00:48:08,104
I had a boner.
I was so happy.
954
00:48:08,139 --> 00:48:09,833
It was the best moment
of my life.
955
00:48:13,833 --> 00:48:16,298
I had to go
to the principal's office.
956
00:48:16,333 --> 00:48:19,000
He said, "Do you kiss your
mother with that mouth?"
957
00:48:19,035 --> 00:48:21,208
I said, "No, but I eat her pussy
with it. "
958
00:48:24,375 --> 00:48:26,625
Yeah. Yeah.
959
00:48:26,660 --> 00:48:28,583
Yeah!
960
00:48:34,083 --> 00:48:35,604
Anyway,
relationships are tough.
961
00:48:35,639 --> 00:48:37,125
That's what I'm talking about.
962
00:48:40,708 --> 00:48:43,298
I used to date a woman
who was a vegan,
963
00:48:43,333 --> 00:48:46,167
so I had to fuck her with my
dick substitute and, uh...
964
00:48:50,000 --> 00:48:51,798
'Member when meeting
a vegan was weird?
965
00:48:51,833 --> 00:48:53,333
Remember when there was like
a strange thing, like,
966
00:48:53,368 --> 00:48:55,548
"Oh, what is -
what is that?"
967
00:48:55,583 --> 00:48:58,979
Like, you probably met your
first vegan in the '90s.
968
00:48:59,014 --> 00:49:02,375
You had like a dinner party
and somebody brought a vegan
969
00:49:02,410 --> 00:49:04,257
and they said,
"Just so you know, I'm vegan,"
970
00:49:04,292 --> 00:49:06,167
and you're like, "I'm sorry,
you're a vegetarian?"
971
00:49:06,202 --> 00:49:08,497
And they're like, "Heh, no. "
972
00:49:08,532 --> 00:49:10,474
All right, what is the thing?
973
00:49:10,509 --> 00:49:12,417
And they tell all the...
Huh?
974
00:49:12,452 --> 00:49:14,548
Okay. Uh-huh.
975
00:49:14,583 --> 00:49:17,423
Yeah, I have no food for you.
976
00:49:17,458 --> 00:49:20,208
You can eat a napkin
and shit paper, I don't care.
977
00:49:20,243 --> 00:49:22,517
But then you met
another vegan and you're like,
978
00:49:22,552 --> 00:49:24,792
"Okay," and then - and now
they're everywhere,
979
00:49:24,827 --> 00:49:26,423
now who cares?
980
00:49:26,458 --> 00:49:28,542
There's several vegans
and restaurants and whatever.
981
00:49:28,577 --> 00:49:29,798
It's kind of
like gay people
982
00:49:29,833 --> 00:49:32,667
sort of a similar trajectory
of growth
983
00:49:32,702 --> 00:49:35,340
and acceptance in
the culture.
984
00:49:35,375 --> 00:49:37,715
You know? Gay people and vegans
have a lot in common -
985
00:49:37,750 --> 00:49:40,250
like, they both have to tell
their families at Thanksgiving.
986
00:49:40,285 --> 00:49:41,792
That's when they have
to tell them.
987
00:49:41,827 --> 00:49:45,298
And Dad gets angry.
988
00:49:45,333 --> 00:49:48,812
"Your mother worked all night
cooking that turkey,
989
00:49:48,847 --> 00:49:52,292
and you're telling me
you're a fucking faggot?!"
990
00:49:52,327 --> 00:49:54,042
You know, it's drama.
991
00:49:57,667 --> 00:50:00,125
But those are the old days,
992
00:50:00,160 --> 00:50:02,673
things are better now.
993
00:50:02,708 --> 00:50:04,167
I think it's pretty amazing
when you think about it.
994
00:50:04,202 --> 00:50:07,250
People used to say
that being gay was wrong.
995
00:50:07,285 --> 00:50:08,601
Pretty recently,
folks used to -
996
00:50:08,636 --> 00:50:09,984
like, most people used to say
997
00:50:10,019 --> 00:50:11,298
that being gay was wrong,
998
00:50:11,333 --> 00:50:12,798
'course it's not wrong
to be gay.
999
00:50:12,833 --> 00:50:15,792
I mean, it's pretty gay
but it's not wrong,
1000
00:50:15,827 --> 00:50:17,333
but that's what people
used to say.
1001
00:50:17,368 --> 00:50:18,673
And now nobody says that.
1002
00:50:18,708 --> 00:50:20,298
And I think
that's a positive change.
1003
00:50:20,333 --> 00:50:23,541
I think that's a good thing,
although I do wonder
1004
00:50:23,576 --> 00:50:26,750
if there are gay people
who miss when it was wrong.
1005
00:50:26,785 --> 00:50:29,333
Maybe there's a few
who miss when it was -
1006
00:50:29,368 --> 00:50:31,465
'cause wasn't it
a little more fun,
1007
00:50:31,500 --> 00:50:34,833
when it was like,
"This is fucking crazy. "
1008
00:50:34,868 --> 00:50:36,465
Didn't that...
1009
00:50:36,500 --> 00:50:39,625
Didn't give it a little zhuzh.
A little...
1010
00:50:39,660 --> 00:50:43,292
I could lose my job.
Aw, fuck...
1011
00:50:44,208 --> 00:50:46,132
Because...
1012
00:50:46,167 --> 00:50:48,250
Now they're like
everybody else, which is great.
1013
00:50:48,285 --> 00:50:49,882
And they can get married.
That's terrific.
1014
00:50:49,917 --> 00:50:55,792
But is that fun to fuck
your husband at your house?
1015
00:50:55,827 --> 00:50:58,167
Wasn't it more fun to be
in an old nightclub
1016
00:50:58,202 --> 00:50:59,684
at 4:00 in the morning, like,
1017
00:50:59,719 --> 00:51:01,167
"I'm breaking
my mother's heart.
1018
00:51:01,202 --> 00:51:05,965
Oh, yeah. "
1019
00:51:06,000 --> 00:51:08,548
I don't know, I don't even mean
just gay people,
1020
00:51:08,583 --> 00:51:12,000
just some people like
when sex is a little fucked up.
1021
00:51:12,035 --> 00:51:13,673
You know?
1022
00:51:13,708 --> 00:51:17,632
"Some people!"
1023
00:51:17,667 --> 00:51:22,333
Some people like when sex is
a little fucked up.
1024
00:51:24,167 --> 00:51:26,083
All right.
1025
00:51:28,042 --> 00:51:29,673
No...
1026
00:51:29,708 --> 00:51:31,583
All right now, you want to talk
about this?
1027
00:51:31,618 --> 00:51:33,173
Should we talk about it?
1028
00:51:33,208 --> 00:51:35,632
Yeah, all right, all right.
1029
00:51:35,667 --> 00:51:37,667
I don't mind - I don't mind
talking about it.
1030
00:51:37,702 --> 00:51:39,917
Okay. Um...
1031
00:51:43,500 --> 00:51:45,375
Here's what -
I'll give you some advice.
1032
00:51:48,250 --> 00:51:51,417
Here's some advice
that really only I can give you.
1033
00:51:53,625 --> 00:51:57,417
Here's my advice:
if you ever ask somebody,
1034
00:51:57,452 --> 00:51:59,625
"Can I jerk off
in front of you?"
1035
00:52:01,583 --> 00:52:03,757
Let me finish. I mean -
1036
00:52:03,792 --> 00:52:06,423
I mean...
1037
00:52:06,458 --> 00:52:09,292
Let me finish what I'm saying!
1038
00:52:09,327 --> 00:52:11,507
Ah...
1039
00:52:11,542 --> 00:52:14,292
Ah, fuck. Okay.
1040
00:52:17,333 --> 00:52:19,923
If you've ever
ask somebody,
1041
00:52:19,958 --> 00:52:22,917
"May I jerk off
in front of you,"
1042
00:52:22,952 --> 00:52:24,507
and they say yes,
1043
00:52:24,542 --> 00:52:26,937
just say, "Are you sure?"
1044
00:52:26,972 --> 00:52:29,298
That's the first part.
1045
00:52:29,333 --> 00:52:32,333
And then if they say yes,
just don't fucking do it.
1046
00:52:32,368 --> 00:52:34,465
Just - just don't do it.
1047
00:52:34,500 --> 00:52:37,333
'Cause, look,
whatever you're into, okay?
1048
00:52:37,368 --> 00:52:39,163
'Cause everybody's
got their thing.
1049
00:52:39,198 --> 00:52:40,923
Whatever your thing is,
I don't know.
1050
00:52:40,958 --> 00:52:44,257
You all have your thing.
I don't know what your thing is.
1051
00:52:44,292 --> 00:52:47,667
You're so fucking lucky that I
don't know what you're thing is.
1052
00:52:47,702 --> 00:52:49,798
Do you understand how lucky
you are
1053
00:52:49,833 --> 00:52:51,958
that people
don't know your fucking thing?
1054
00:52:51,993 --> 00:52:54,965
'Cause everybody knows
my thing.
1055
00:52:55,000 --> 00:52:58,333
Everybody knows
my fucking thing now.
1056
00:52:58,368 --> 00:53:00,465
Obama knows my thing.
1057
00:53:00,500 --> 00:53:05,548
Do you understand
how that feels?
1058
00:53:05,583 --> 00:53:08,333
To know that Obama was like,
"Good lord!"
1059
00:53:15,333 --> 00:53:17,298
Everybody in the world
knows my thing.
1060
00:53:17,333 --> 00:53:19,500
I got on an airplane in Italy,
this little kid was like,
1061
00:53:19,535 --> 00:53:21,667
"Mama, that's the guy who jerk
off in front of the people!"
1062
00:53:30,042 --> 00:53:31,750
So whatever your thing is,
I don't know what it is,
1063
00:53:31,785 --> 00:53:33,257
maybe you can't cum unless
you have
1064
00:53:33,292 --> 00:53:35,708
your father on speaker phone,
whatever it is.
1065
00:53:40,917 --> 00:53:42,375
If you want to do it with
somebody else,
1066
00:53:42,410 --> 00:53:44,496
you need to ask first,
but if they say yes,
1067
00:53:44,531 --> 00:53:46,724
you still don't get to just go,
"Whoo!"
1068
00:53:46,759 --> 00:53:48,917
And charge ahead -
gotta check in often.
1069
00:53:48,952 --> 00:53:50,632
I guess that's what I would say.
1070
00:53:50,667 --> 00:53:53,146
Check in, because it's not
always clear how people feel.
1071
00:53:53,181 --> 00:53:55,625
Like, men are taught to make
sure the woman is okay.
1072
00:53:55,660 --> 00:53:57,833
But the thing is,
women know how to seem okay
1073
00:53:57,868 --> 00:53:59,257
when they're not okay.
1074
00:53:59,292 --> 00:54:00,792
So you can't just look
at her face be like,
1075
00:54:00,827 --> 00:54:02,215
"Yeah, her eyes are dry.
We're fine.
1076
00:54:02,250 --> 00:54:06,833
We'll just keep going" -
You gotta check in.
1077
00:54:06,868 --> 00:54:08,350
'Cause sex - communication,
during sex
1078
00:54:08,385 --> 00:54:10,026
can be very confusing,
like, sometimes,
1079
00:54:10,061 --> 00:54:11,632
you're with a woman,
you're having sex,
1080
00:54:11,667 --> 00:54:14,125
she's making noises,
she's going, like, "Ooh, ahh. "
1081
00:54:14,160 --> 00:54:16,375
And you're like,
"Oh, she loves it. "
1082
00:54:16,410 --> 00:54:19,632
Not necessarily.
1083
00:54:19,667 --> 00:54:21,292
Sometimes they're making
those noises
1084
00:54:21,327 --> 00:54:23,048
just to get through it,
1085
00:54:23,083 --> 00:54:24,895
because it's easier
to go, "Ooh,"
1086
00:54:24,930 --> 00:54:26,708
than to say,
"I hate how you fuck me.
1087
00:54:26,743 --> 00:54:29,100
Honestly, it's awful. "
1088
00:54:29,135 --> 00:54:31,423
So she goes, "Ooh, baby!"
1089
00:54:31,458 --> 00:54:33,292
It's kind of like
a Negro spiritual,
1090
00:54:33,327 --> 00:54:35,833
it's sort of similar.
1091
00:54:37,708 --> 00:54:39,423
So to assume that she likes
it is like
1092
00:54:39,458 --> 00:54:41,333
if they heard slaves singing
in the fields, and they're like,
1093
00:54:41,368 --> 00:54:43,500
"Hey, you're having
a great time out there!"
1094
00:54:53,208 --> 00:54:55,798
As far as my thing -
I dunno what the fuck...
1095
00:54:55,833 --> 00:54:57,375
People are like, "Why do you
want to do it anyway?"
1096
00:54:57,410 --> 00:54:59,048
Okay, oh, no.
1097
00:54:59,083 --> 00:55:01,792
I like jerking off,
I don't like being alone.
1098
00:55:01,827 --> 00:55:03,548
That's all I can tell you.
1099
00:55:03,583 --> 00:55:05,375
I - I get lonely!
"Where is everyone?"
1100
00:55:05,410 --> 00:55:08,840
It's just sad.
I like company.
1101
00:55:08,875 --> 00:55:11,583
I like to share.
I'm good at it, too.
1102
00:55:11,618 --> 00:55:12,840
If you're good at juggling,
1103
00:55:12,875 --> 00:55:15,521
you wouldn't do it alone
in the dark.
1104
00:55:15,556 --> 00:55:18,167
You would gather folks
and amaze them.
1105
00:55:23,417 --> 00:55:25,750
Anyway, that's all I'm going to
say about that shit.
1106
00:55:37,000 --> 00:55:40,792
Well...
1107
00:55:42,583 --> 00:55:44,417
Let me ask you a question.
1108
00:55:44,452 --> 00:55:45,840
You ever wonder
1109
00:55:45,875 --> 00:55:47,792
how many people
ever fucked your mom?
1110
00:55:50,000 --> 00:55:51,917
We're almost done.
You're doing great.
1111
00:55:53,917 --> 00:55:55,632
This is important to me.
1112
00:55:55,667 --> 00:55:57,292
You ever look at your mom
and go, like,
1113
00:55:57,327 --> 00:55:58,917
"Mom, how many dicks?
Just how many?"
1114
00:55:58,952 --> 00:56:00,673
I lost my mom.
1115
00:56:00,708 --> 00:56:02,167
So those are the things
I don't know.
1116
00:56:02,202 --> 00:56:04,215
So I'm curious.
1117
00:56:04,250 --> 00:56:07,007
I don't feel like a lot of dudes
fucked my mom.
1118
00:56:07,042 --> 00:56:09,625
Not 'cause she's, like, pure,
because, like, I don't think so.
1119
00:56:09,660 --> 00:56:14,382
But I hope it was
as many as she wanted.
1120
00:56:14,417 --> 00:56:16,667
That's what I hope -
I hope she got all the dicks
1121
00:56:16,702 --> 00:56:18,917
she ever dreamed of
because I loved her.
1122
00:56:18,952 --> 00:56:20,833
I hope at the end,
my mom was like,
1123
00:56:20,868 --> 00:56:22,917
"That with plenty of dicks.
1124
00:56:22,952 --> 00:56:24,667
Whew-hoo!"
1125
00:56:28,000 --> 00:56:30,229
But I'll never know -
because you don't know your mom.
1126
00:56:30,264 --> 00:56:32,458
That's the truth - you don't
really know your mother.
1127
00:56:32,493 --> 00:56:34,080
You feel like you know her,
1128
00:56:34,115 --> 00:56:35,667
but you know what she told you.
1129
00:56:35,702 --> 00:56:37,757
She didn't tell you shit.
1130
00:56:37,792 --> 00:56:39,250
You don't tell
your kids your life.
1131
00:56:39,285 --> 00:56:40,965
What did your mother tell you?
1132
00:56:41,000 --> 00:56:44,250
"I won a swimming medal
when I was 12."
1133
00:56:44,285 --> 00:56:45,840
She didn't tell you, like,
1134
00:56:45,875 --> 00:56:47,083
"I used to fuck this guy at
work, it was amazing. "
1135
00:56:47,118 --> 00:56:51,048
She didn't tell you that.
1136
00:56:51,083 --> 00:56:54,833
Think about your mom's life
story as she told it to you.
1137
00:56:54,868 --> 00:56:57,913
There's huge holes
in that story.
1138
00:56:57,948 --> 00:57:00,923
"Well, I graduated when I was 22
1139
00:57:00,958 --> 00:57:03,583
and then I met your father
when I was 35."
1140
00:57:06,792 --> 00:57:09,583
"Feels like a lot of dicks would
fit right in there, Mom. "
1141
00:57:12,917 --> 00:57:14,423
You know those movies
where you're -
1142
00:57:14,458 --> 00:57:16,333
where a mother and a daughter
switch bodies.
1143
00:57:16,368 --> 00:57:18,767
You ever seen a movie like -
it's always like,
1144
00:57:18,802 --> 00:57:21,132
"Freaky Friday," some Disney
comedy where a mother
1145
00:57:21,167 --> 00:57:24,917
and a daughter switch bodies
and then they're like, "Whoa!"
1146
00:57:24,952 --> 00:57:28,038
Then they have to water ski
and be in a rock band together.
1147
00:57:28,073 --> 00:57:31,125
And then they switch back
and they know each other better.
1148
00:57:31,160 --> 00:57:32,840
That's the formula
1149
00:57:32,875 --> 00:57:35,417
I think they should make it
another one of those movies.
1150
00:57:38,167 --> 00:57:40,187
But it should be
about a mother
1151
00:57:40,222 --> 00:57:42,173
who switches bodies
with her son.
1152
00:57:42,208 --> 00:57:45,292
But it's not a comedy,
it's a drama -
1153
00:57:45,327 --> 00:57:47,226
like a medical affliction.
1154
00:57:47,261 --> 00:57:49,090
They're upset the whole time.
1155
00:57:49,125 --> 00:57:50,840
She's in the bathroom
in the morning,
1156
00:57:50,875 --> 00:57:55,625
"I'm holding my son's penis.
It's confusing. "
1157
00:57:55,660 --> 00:57:57,955
And her son is in
her body, he's like,
1158
00:57:57,990 --> 00:58:00,250
"I don't want to be
my mommy anymore.
1159
00:58:02,917 --> 00:58:05,458
I don't like how it feels. "
1160
00:58:10,750 --> 00:58:13,417
And his dad comes home
and he starts fucking 'im.
1161
00:58:13,452 --> 00:58:15,500
"Oh, God!
1162
00:58:17,667 --> 00:58:20,562
What's happening now?
1163
00:58:20,597 --> 00:58:23,423
I don't like this,
1164
00:58:23,458 --> 00:58:26,750
but I don't want to say no
to my dad. "
1165
00:58:32,583 --> 00:58:34,333
And then
at the end of the movie,
1166
00:58:34,368 --> 00:58:36,250
they never switch back.
1167
00:58:38,958 --> 00:58:42,250
You guys were great, thank you
very much for coming tonight.
1168
00:58:42,285 --> 00:58:44,507
It was a pleasure talking
to you.
1169
00:58:44,542 --> 00:58:47,333
Get home safe.
Thank you very, very much.
1170
00:58:47,368 --> 00:58:48,583
Goodnight.
89220
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