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1
00:01:04,995 --> 00:01:06,655
My Feral King...
2
00:01:06,755 --> 00:01:10,055
I implore you, I will tell you everything.
3
00:01:10,155 --> 00:01:11,455
You will?
4
00:01:11,555 --> 00:01:14,316
- Anything. I will answer any question.
- Okay.
5
00:01:16,274 --> 00:01:19,356
What percentage of the universe
is made of dark matter?
6
00:01:20,944 --> 00:01:22,041
I...
7
00:01:22,141 --> 00:01:24,974
Sorry,
I didn't think it was gonna be general knowledge.
8
00:01:25,074 --> 00:01:28,533
- Can I have an entertainment question?
- Is the wrong answer.
9
00:01:28,633 --> 00:01:30,075
Sports?
10
00:01:32,953 --> 00:01:36,033
You scratch my back and I'll scratch yours.
11
00:01:40,431 --> 00:01:42,451
Why did you betray me?
12
00:01:42,551 --> 00:01:45,690
Oh, yeah, in fairness, it was...
it was a bad decision.
13
00:01:45,790 --> 00:01:47,209
I...
I wasn't thinking.
14
00:01:47,309 --> 00:01:49,072
And soon you won't be breathing.
15
00:01:51,029 --> 00:01:52,091
Enter.
16
00:01:56,990 --> 00:02:02,129
My Feral King,
I am sorry to interrupt your torturing.
17
00:02:02,229 --> 00:02:07,550
We have arrested more rebels who have
been spreading the teachings of the holy one.
18
00:02:16,748 --> 00:02:18,430
Bring these insurgents to me.
19
00:02:19,547 --> 00:02:21,548
Let me gaze upon their ugliness.
20
00:02:31,904 --> 00:02:34,163
Since I seized power,
21
00:02:34,263 --> 00:02:37,123
there is no other god but me.
22
00:02:37,223 --> 00:02:39,444
Our economy does not work, Rodon.
23
00:02:39,544 --> 00:02:40,884
Few work, none share.
24
00:02:40,984 --> 00:02:42,803
It is only if we embraced
the teachings of Cloister
25
00:02:42,903 --> 00:02:46,425
that we will learn there are
greater treasures looking outward than in.
26
00:02:47,863 --> 00:02:50,282
Take them to the marketplace and hang them.
27
00:02:50,382 --> 00:02:53,304
Let the clowder see insurrection
will not be tolerated.
28
00:03:01,460 --> 00:03:02,922
Get out of the way, you dogs.
29
00:03:40,416 --> 00:03:41,858
Come on!
30
00:03:44,816 --> 00:03:47,857
We'll escape,
and one day return to free our people.
31
00:04:02,734 --> 00:04:05,194
I'll set a course for the ship of our birth.
32
00:04:05,294 --> 00:04:06,896
May Cloister watch over us.
33
00:04:53,785 --> 00:04:56,785
34
00:05:03,325 --> 00:05:06,305
Here he comes now.
You do the talking.
35
00:05:06,405 --> 00:05:07,466
Hey, guys.
36
00:05:09,044 --> 00:05:10,424
Sir, may I be frank?
37
00:05:10,524 --> 00:05:13,425
For some time now,
we've been growing rather concerned about you.
38
00:05:13,525 --> 00:05:15,166
Me?
Why?
39
00:05:18,524 --> 00:05:21,423
I've noticed of late
you've been drinking slightly more
40
00:05:21,523 --> 00:05:23,405
than your usual half a brewery a day.
41
00:05:26,562 --> 00:05:28,204
Bend, would you, Krytes?
42
00:05:32,001 --> 00:05:33,901
Also, I can't help but notice
43
00:05:34,001 --> 00:05:36,900
that in the morning,
you've often had a midnight snack.
44
00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:41,223
It's only the odd ice cream waffle sandwich,
some cheesy fries and a beer milkshake.
45
00:05:42,041 --> 00:05:44,140
Followed by a main course.
46
00:05:44,240 --> 00:05:47,282
Not always a main course!
Sometimes I'm too drunk.
47
00:05:48,960 --> 00:05:52,538
Also, sir,
you've been collecting rather a lot of junk.
48
00:05:52,638 --> 00:05:54,818
- What junk? Where's junk?
- There's junk!
49
00:05:54,918 --> 00:05:59,537
This isn't junk, this is antiques.
Salvage from Cargo Bay 15.
50
00:05:59,637 --> 00:06:01,537
We haven't been through
any of that stuff yet.
51
00:06:01,637 --> 00:06:03,818
I've already found Music For Rocking Dads,
52
00:06:03,918 --> 00:06:05,177
Knitting For Beginners,
53
00:06:05,277 --> 00:06:08,040
and an "I love boyband" badge
in pristine condition.
54
00:06:09,838 --> 00:06:11,458
What happened to you, bud?
55
00:06:11,558 --> 00:06:12,897
You're a wreck.
56
00:06:12,997 --> 00:06:15,097
Then perhaps I should use
my Swedish massage chair
57
00:06:15,197 --> 00:06:17,217
that doesn't have batteries.
58
00:06:17,317 --> 00:06:21,736
No-one is blaming you, sir.
You're carrying an enormous burden.
59
00:06:21,836 --> 00:06:25,976
The future of the human race
is entirely in your, well...
60
00:06:26,076 --> 00:06:27,735
Hands?
61
00:06:27,835 --> 00:06:29,696
Lower.
62
00:06:29,796 --> 00:06:30,918
Danglier.
63
00:06:33,596 --> 00:06:35,415
And you're deflecting from the real issue
64
00:06:35,515 --> 00:06:37,775
by finding false interests to distract you.
65
00:06:37,875 --> 00:06:39,236
How cool is this?
66
00:06:41,234 --> 00:06:42,612
What's your point, Kryten?
67
00:06:42,712 --> 00:06:47,092
I have a solution, sir,
to your last-human-alive dilemma.
68
00:06:47,192 --> 00:06:50,251
An issue that's clearly
driving you to the brink of insanity.
69
00:06:50,351 --> 00:06:52,491
Look at this...
Subbuteo!
70
00:06:52,591 --> 00:06:54,412
The Partick Thistle away kit.
71
00:06:54,512 --> 00:06:56,491
Someone would probably kill for this.
72
00:06:56,591 --> 00:06:59,171
You're looking at him.
Give me that.
73
00:06:59,271 --> 00:07:02,171
Now, this is a little unconventional,
I grant you,
74
00:07:02,271 --> 00:07:05,329
but with the meditech
we salvaged from the Delta 7,
75
00:07:05,429 --> 00:07:07,929
what I'm about to suggest is quite possible,
76
00:07:08,029 --> 00:07:12,168
so I implore you both to give it
your full and proper consideration.
77
00:07:12,268 --> 00:07:14,888
Both?
What's this got to do with me?
78
00:07:14,988 --> 00:07:19,007
Well, sir,
what if you had a sex-change operation?
79
00:07:19,107 --> 00:07:20,750
Let me finish.
80
00:07:22,788 --> 00:07:24,208
And became a woman?
81
00:07:24,308 --> 00:07:25,309
Let me finish.
82
00:07:27,227 --> 00:07:30,927
Mr Lister and yourself
could then do the necessary.
83
00:07:31,027 --> 00:07:32,726
Let me finish!
84
00:07:32,826 --> 00:07:34,908
And produce a child together.
85
00:07:44,825 --> 00:07:48,365
Have you been drying your head
in the tumble dryer again?
86
00:07:48,465 --> 00:07:52,604
With the meditech, making you a woman
is a relatively straightforward procedure, sir.
87
00:07:52,704 --> 00:07:55,465
Involving just a few snips
and a bit of folding.
88
00:07:58,183 --> 00:07:59,923
Where does the folding fit in?
89
00:08:00,023 --> 00:08:03,362
Well, to make your lady garden, sir.
90
00:08:03,462 --> 00:08:05,802
And with my long history with sheets,
91
00:08:05,902 --> 00:08:07,624
you know how good I am at folding.
92
00:08:09,381 --> 00:08:12,362
Dude, what you're suggesting
is anatomically impossible.
93
00:08:12,462 --> 00:08:14,722
But with the meditech, sir,
it's perfectly possible.
94
00:08:14,822 --> 00:08:16,281
Let me put it this way...
95
00:08:16,381 --> 00:08:19,041
I'd never be able
to get the plane off the runway,
96
00:08:19,141 --> 00:08:20,721
if you get me drift.
97
00:08:20,821 --> 00:08:24,839
Wait a minute.
Are you saying if I was a woman I wouldn't be hot?
98
00:08:24,939 --> 00:08:27,479
Bud, if I was a woman,
you wouldn't be in no plane,
99
00:08:27,579 --> 00:08:29,541
you'd be on Apollo 13, baby!
100
00:08:30,938 --> 00:08:35,358
Your tongue would be hanging out your mouth
like an old dog.
101
00:08:35,458 --> 00:08:37,519
Cat, I wouldn't be attracted to you
102
00:08:37,619 --> 00:08:39,758
if you were the most
beautiful woman in the world,
103
00:08:39,858 --> 00:08:41,318
cos I'm not attracted to you.
104
00:08:41,418 --> 00:08:45,198
In fact, this whole crazy idea
would have a better chance of working
105
00:08:45,298 --> 00:08:47,437
if it was me
that had the sex-change operation,
106
00:08:47,537 --> 00:08:49,559
cos let's face it, you'd go with anyone.
107
00:08:51,977 --> 00:08:56,316
Wait, hold on.
Are you saying that you'd make a hotter woman than me?
108
00:08:56,416 --> 00:08:58,677
I'd make a better woman than you.
109
00:08:58,777 --> 00:09:01,618
I'm more empathetic, intuitive.
I'm nicer.
110
00:09:03,097 --> 00:09:04,738
Have you never seen my legs?
111
00:09:06,376 --> 00:09:09,395
Cat, I'm not gonna get in some stupid, macho
112
00:09:09,495 --> 00:09:11,877
"who would make the hottest woman" barney,
okay?
113
00:09:13,575 --> 00:09:16,393
- Although I know for a fact who it'd be.
- Me.
114
00:09:16,493 --> 00:09:19,075
- The greatest erogenous zone is what?
- My mirror.
115
00:09:20,613 --> 00:09:21,872
It's the brain,
116
00:09:21,972 --> 00:09:26,031
and what with me having one,
that puts you at a huge disadvantage, guy.
117
00:09:26,131 --> 00:09:28,552
Kryten, follow me.
118
00:09:28,652 --> 00:09:29,713
Ladies.
119
00:09:30,931 --> 00:09:32,333
Following you, sir.
120
00:09:54,209 --> 00:09:56,429
What are you doing?
121
00:09:56,529 --> 00:09:58,948
I'm following you, sir, as requested, sir.
122
00:09:59,048 --> 00:10:01,868
I don't mean follow me like you're a private eye,
you imbecile.
123
00:10:01,968 --> 00:10:04,468
I mean, accompany me to my destination.
124
00:10:04,568 --> 00:10:06,066
Apologies, sir.
125
00:10:06,166 --> 00:10:08,906
I sometimes wonder
if you behave like a cretin on purpose,
126
00:10:09,006 --> 00:10:12,066
as a means of
thumbing your nose at my authority.
127
00:10:12,166 --> 00:10:13,305
Engaging lie mode.
128
00:10:13,405 --> 00:10:17,064
Lie mode engaged...
Sir! I assure you my acting like a cretin is no act.
129
00:10:17,164 --> 00:10:18,665
Lie mode, cancel.
130
00:10:18,765 --> 00:10:20,504
You're lying.
131
00:10:20,604 --> 00:10:21,984
Engaging lie mode.
132
00:10:22,084 --> 00:10:24,065
Lie mode engaged.
I most certainly am not, sir.
133
00:10:24,165 --> 00:10:27,544
Cancel lie mode.
I can hear you engaging lie mode.
134
00:10:27,644 --> 00:10:29,304
- Did I say all that out loud?
- Yes.
135
00:10:29,404 --> 00:10:31,744
I knew I needed a service.
136
00:10:31,844 --> 00:10:34,406
Not now, you rusty idiot.
I need you. Follow me.
137
00:10:36,803 --> 00:10:38,223
Did I say that out loud?
138
00:10:38,323 --> 00:10:40,245
- Say what?
- Excellent.
139
00:10:42,282 --> 00:10:47,063
That green dot thing on the scanner
screaming towards us at near light speed, what is it?
140
00:10:47,163 --> 00:10:50,324
Well, it appears to be
either some kind of ship or a missile.
141
00:10:52,642 --> 00:10:54,222
Which?
142
00:10:54,322 --> 00:10:56,602
Well, allow me to carry out some tests, sir.
143
00:11:00,480 --> 00:11:01,780
What are you doing?
144
00:11:01,880 --> 00:11:04,801
I'm waiting to see
if Red Dwarf explodes, sir.
145
00:11:06,479 --> 00:11:09,061
If it doesn't,
I think we can presume it's a ship.
146
00:11:13,439 --> 00:11:14,601
It's a ship.
147
00:11:16,439 --> 00:11:20,818
It's giving off some kind of transmission but it's extremely faint.
Any suggestions?
148
00:11:20,918 --> 00:11:24,359
It's a long shot, sir,
but have you considered turning up the volume?
149
00:11:26,957 --> 00:11:30,976
- No-one likes a smart alex, Kryten.
- It's smart aleck, sir.
150
00:11:31,076 --> 00:11:33,855
The phrase is based on
the exploits of Aleck Hoag,
151
00:11:33,955 --> 00:11:37,336
a celebrated con artist from 1840s New York.
152
00:11:37,436 --> 00:11:39,936
That's as maybe.
We still can't understand this message, though,
153
00:11:40,036 --> 00:11:41,815
can we, Mr Smarmy Pants?
154
00:11:41,915 --> 00:11:44,895
The phrase is in fact smarty-pants, sir.
155
00:11:44,995 --> 00:11:48,755
- It was first used in 19...
- Just fix the distortion before I distort you.
156
00:11:50,153 --> 00:11:55,372
Distortion is usually caused by some form
of interference of the process signal.
157
00:11:55,472 --> 00:11:58,732
Big words, my mechanoid friend,
but for all your cleverness,
158
00:11:58,832 --> 00:12:02,692
and despite being
as well hung as Action Man,
159
00:12:02,792 --> 00:12:05,033
it's not really getting us anywhere, is it?
160
00:12:06,352 --> 00:12:09,172
This is an SOS distress call.
Is anyone out there?
161
00:12:09,272 --> 00:12:11,611
Our ship has run out of fuel
and we're presently hiding
162
00:12:11,711 --> 00:12:15,091
from our feral overlords
on a transport vessel called the Iron Star.
163
00:12:15,191 --> 00:12:17,850
Please help us.
We're in great danger.
164
00:12:17,950 --> 00:12:19,370
An SOS distress call?
165
00:12:19,470 --> 00:12:21,290
I'll try and re-establish a link, sir.
166
00:12:21,390 --> 00:12:22,752
Sod them, Kryten.
167
00:12:23,790 --> 00:12:26,890
We've reached an age now
where it's time to enjoy the home comforts
168
00:12:26,990 --> 00:12:28,850
and curl up by a winter fire
169
00:12:28,950 --> 00:12:32,169
and keep taking our various medications
to keep us sprightly.
170
00:12:32,269 --> 00:12:37,671
Not board derelict ships and have to flee from giant,
genetically engineered man-eating cheese.
171
00:12:39,587 --> 00:12:41,927
Well, I'm sure Mr Lister
won't agree with you, sir.
172
00:12:42,027 --> 00:12:44,166
Don't tell him, then.
173
00:12:44,266 --> 00:12:47,485
In fact, erase all memory of the distress call
from your memory.
174
00:12:47,585 --> 00:12:48,645
That's an order.
175
00:12:48,745 --> 00:12:50,347
Yes, sir.
176
00:12:51,466 --> 00:12:54,725
- Did you do it?
- Did I do what, sir?
177
00:12:54,825 --> 00:12:57,725
Did you erase the SOS distress call
from your memory?
178
00:12:57,825 --> 00:13:00,165
We've received an SOS distress call?!
179
00:13:00,265 --> 00:13:02,444
Damn, why did I say that?
Right...
180
00:13:02,544 --> 00:13:05,004
Erase all memory of me asking you to erase
181
00:13:05,104 --> 00:13:07,483
all memory of the SOS distress call
from your memory.
182
00:13:07,583 --> 00:13:08,643
That's another order.
183
00:13:08,743 --> 00:13:10,763
Yes, sir.
184
00:13:10,863 --> 00:13:13,284
- Have you?
- Have I what, sir?
185
00:13:13,384 --> 00:13:17,084
Have you...
just done what I asked you to do?
186
00:13:17,184 --> 00:13:19,444
You mean have I fixed the distortion?
187
00:13:19,544 --> 00:13:21,725
Why would I be fixing the distortion?
188
00:13:23,103 --> 00:13:25,605
Sir!
I think we've received an SOS distress call!
189
00:13:26,943 --> 00:13:29,401
Erase that from your memory too.
That's another order.
190
00:13:29,501 --> 00:13:32,281
Erasing distortion order, sir.
191
00:13:32,381 --> 00:13:34,161
What's the last thing you remember?
192
00:13:34,261 --> 00:13:36,161
You want me to follow you, sir.
193
00:13:36,261 --> 00:13:39,320
How did I get here?
We were in the corridor.
194
00:13:39,420 --> 00:13:41,640
I knew I needed a service!
195
00:13:41,740 --> 00:13:42,881
Excellent.
196
00:13:42,981 --> 00:13:45,560
Guys, guys, you're never gonna guess
what we've found, me and Cat.
197
00:13:45,660 --> 00:13:48,040
You see, I told you
it wasn't all junk in the sleeping quarters.
198
00:13:48,140 --> 00:13:52,239
I refuse to even step into
that toxic cesspit of filth.
199
00:13:52,339 --> 00:13:55,078
- What have you found, sir?
- Holly's spare disc.
200
00:13:55,178 --> 00:13:57,198
The defence rests.
201
00:13:57,298 --> 00:13:59,517
Holly had a spare disc?
Where is it?
202
00:13:59,617 --> 00:14:00,779
Let's get it installed.
203
00:14:16,015 --> 00:14:17,755
That's his disc?
204
00:14:17,855 --> 00:14:21,233
Back in the day,
this was the forefront of advanced technology.
205
00:14:21,333 --> 00:14:23,233
I bet people couldn't believe
how they'd managed to cram
206
00:14:23,333 --> 00:14:27,353
his entire operating system
onto such a teeny-weeny disc.
207
00:14:27,453 --> 00:14:29,632
Well, hold on, where's it gonna go?
208
00:14:29,732 --> 00:14:33,315
We're looking for a slot bigger than
the Incredible Hulk's butt crack.
209
00:14:34,413 --> 00:14:37,374
I always wondered what this was for.
210
00:14:46,892 --> 00:14:49,432
What are we waiting for?
Let's get Holly booted up!
211
00:14:49,532 --> 00:14:51,231
Okay, come on, bring her round.
212
00:14:51,331 --> 00:14:52,333
To me, to me.
213
00:14:55,651 --> 00:14:56,790
Higher.
214
00:14:56,890 --> 00:15:00,013
Higher, higher, higher, and push.
215
00:15:05,770 --> 00:15:07,511
It still works.
216
00:15:11,209 --> 00:15:12,648
It's connecting to the ship.
217
00:15:28,153 --> 00:15:29,183
My name is Holly.
218
00:15:29,283 --> 00:15:31,590
Holly, it's us.
You're back, dude!
219
00:15:31,690 --> 00:15:35,534
I am Red Dwarf's computer.
I have an IQ of 6,000.
220
00:15:35,634 --> 00:15:37,054
What's wrong with him?
221
00:15:37,154 --> 00:15:38,854
He's been in the cargo bay
for three million years,
222
00:15:38,954 --> 00:15:40,974
leaning up against a damp wall.
223
00:15:41,074 --> 00:15:43,733
That should've made him better, not worse.
224
00:15:43,833 --> 00:15:45,933
Who are you?
Please explain.
225
00:15:46,033 --> 00:15:48,533
Of course.
He's returned to factory settings.
226
00:15:48,633 --> 00:15:50,252
He doesn't know who we are.
227
00:15:50,352 --> 00:15:52,453
Holly, allow me to introduce myself.
228
00:15:52,553 --> 00:15:57,332
I am First Technician
Arnold J Rimmer, BSC, SSC.
229
00:15:57,432 --> 00:16:00,292
Acting Senior Officer of Red Dwarf.
230
00:16:00,392 --> 00:16:04,211
This is Kryten,
an unimportant sanitation droid.
231
00:16:04,311 --> 00:16:06,171
Cat...
A Felis sapiens.
232
00:16:06,271 --> 00:16:08,993
And Lister...
A human. Or so he maintains.
233
00:16:10,211 --> 00:16:14,970
I can't find any record of Kryten or a Cat
in the ship's manifest.
234
00:16:15,070 --> 00:16:20,290
No records?
I've won best ass on board for thirty years straight!
235
00:16:20,390 --> 00:16:22,609
That's cos they weren't
part of the original crew, Hol.
236
00:16:22,709 --> 00:16:24,809
Cat descended from domestic house cats
237
00:16:24,909 --> 00:16:27,608
and we found Kryten on this crashed ship,
the Nova 5.
238
00:16:27,708 --> 00:16:31,808
He was looking after three skeletons.
Totally unhinged.
239
00:16:31,908 --> 00:16:33,246
But now I'm on Red Dwarf,
240
00:16:33,346 --> 00:16:34,828
fitting right in!
241
00:16:35,906 --> 00:16:38,526
Are you aware of the role I perform,
Hologram Rimmer?
242
00:16:38,626 --> 00:16:41,605
You're the Red Dwarf computer, Holly.
You control the ship.
243
00:16:41,705 --> 00:16:45,966
I'm also tasked with appraising Red Dwarf's worth
to the Jupiter Mining Corporation
244
00:16:46,066 --> 00:16:48,925
and decommissioning it
if it serves no useful purpose.
245
00:16:49,025 --> 00:16:51,085
Oh, God.
246
00:16:51,185 --> 00:16:55,243
Obviously, this doesn't happen while a ship
has a crew performing essential duties.
247
00:16:55,343 --> 00:16:57,243
Oh, God.
248
00:16:57,343 --> 00:16:59,803
Or even performing duties
to an adequate level.
249
00:16:59,903 --> 00:17:01,225
Oh, God.
250
00:17:02,822 --> 00:17:04,562
But Holly, if I may,
251
00:17:04,662 --> 00:17:07,963
JMC protocol insists
no ship may be decommissioned
252
00:17:08,063 --> 00:17:12,402
if it contains living crew members
who are listed on the manifest.
253
00:17:12,502 --> 00:17:14,962
All righty, then, we're sorted.
I'm listed.
254
00:17:15,062 --> 00:17:17,401
Looking through the records, Crewman Lister,
255
00:17:17,501 --> 00:17:20,321
I see you smuggled
an unquarantined cat on board.
256
00:17:20,421 --> 00:17:23,641
As a result,
you have forfeited all your crew privileges,
257
00:17:23,741 --> 00:17:26,360
including your rights of residency
on Red Dwarf.
258
00:17:26,460 --> 00:17:28,721
I will therefore decommission the ship.
259
00:17:28,821 --> 00:17:30,241
Meaning what?
260
00:17:30,341 --> 00:17:33,441
Red Dwarf will be retired
from active service.
261
00:17:33,541 --> 00:17:34,721
He's crazy.
262
00:17:34,821 --> 00:17:38,000
As part of this process,
the ship's nuclear reactors will be dumped
263
00:17:38,100 --> 00:17:41,081
in the nearest black hole,
along with the ship's hologram.
264
00:17:47,897 --> 00:17:50,237
He's starting to win me around.
265
00:17:50,337 --> 00:17:53,396
You can't dump me in a black hole.
I have my rights!
266
00:17:53,496 --> 00:17:54,956
We want to appeal.
267
00:17:55,056 --> 00:17:56,796
Maybe not all of us.
268
00:17:56,896 --> 00:17:59,197
I will begin the deactivation process.
269
00:17:59,297 --> 00:18:03,178
Due to the complexity of this operation,
it will take seven days.
270
00:18:11,415 --> 00:18:13,115
Kryten said you wanted to see me.
271
00:18:13,215 --> 00:18:16,034
Yeah, I need your advice.
This door keeps jamming.
272
00:18:16,134 --> 00:18:17,816
And you want to repair this now?
273
00:18:19,774 --> 00:18:23,073
I've no record of
a malfunctioning door in airlock 7.
274
00:18:23,173 --> 00:18:25,634
Well, maybe the feedback system's
down as well, Hol.
275
00:18:25,734 --> 00:18:27,036
We'll check it out, yeah?
276
00:18:32,053 --> 00:18:34,033
Cover your mouth.
277
00:18:34,133 --> 00:18:35,913
He can't hear us?
278
00:18:36,013 --> 00:18:37,951
He may have an IQ of 6,000
279
00:18:38,051 --> 00:18:41,391
but is he as smart as us
when we put our heads together?
280
00:18:41,491 --> 00:18:42,751
Not even close.
281
00:18:42,851 --> 00:18:44,472
Look at him, the gormless gimp.
282
00:18:46,050 --> 00:18:47,492
Can't hear a word we say.
283
00:18:50,650 --> 00:18:52,189
So what are we gonna do?
284
00:18:52,289 --> 00:18:54,669
No choice.
We're going to have to shut him down.
285
00:18:54,769 --> 00:18:56,069
But how?
286
00:18:56,169 --> 00:18:57,549
EMP.
287
00:18:57,649 --> 00:18:59,748
Electromagnetic pulse weapon?
288
00:18:59,848 --> 00:19:03,068
Everything shuts down, we uninstall Holly.
289
00:19:03,168 --> 00:19:07,529
Then we toss the dozy wazzock
back on the garbage pile he came from.
290
00:19:10,367 --> 00:19:14,106
Kryten's working on the EMP right now
in the mineral ore storage bay.
291
00:19:14,206 --> 00:19:15,827
Set to go off at noon.
292
00:19:15,927 --> 00:19:17,547
Just sixty seconds.
293
00:19:17,647 --> 00:19:21,168
I'm supposed to be fixing this door,
so let's look busy, yeah?
294
00:19:29,044 --> 00:19:30,526
All fixed now, Hol.
295
00:19:31,844 --> 00:19:34,943
Just for the record,
I heard every word you said in there.
296
00:19:35,043 --> 00:19:38,423
Dozy wazzock, gormless gimp.
Everything.
297
00:19:38,523 --> 00:19:40,143
What about stupid bald git?
298
00:19:40,243 --> 00:19:41,704
You didn't say that in there.
299
00:19:41,804 --> 00:19:43,583
No, but I'm saying it now.
300
00:19:43,683 --> 00:19:45,703
An EMP?
I know your plan.
301
00:19:45,803 --> 00:19:47,023
It's not happening.
302
00:19:47,123 --> 00:19:49,103
Really?
And where's Kryten?
303
00:19:49,203 --> 00:19:50,462
He's in the MOS.
304
00:19:50,562 --> 00:19:54,342
Detonating a meteorite
to create electromagnetic energy
305
00:19:54,442 --> 00:19:56,821
to take out the ship's grid at noon.
306
00:19:56,921 --> 00:19:59,061
Which is precisely ten seconds from now,
307
00:19:59,161 --> 00:20:02,122
and there ain't a damn thing
you can do to stop him, baldy!
308
00:20:04,279 --> 00:20:05,601
Tonight's the night.
309
00:20:06,617 --> 00:20:08,500
Not tonight, Krytes.
Now!
310
00:20:08,600 --> 00:20:10,180
You said 12:00 AM, sir.
311
00:20:10,280 --> 00:20:11,419
12:00 AM.
Noon.
312
00:20:11,519 --> 00:20:13,179
But 12:00 AM is midnight, sir.
313
00:20:13,279 --> 00:20:16,499
Is it?
I thought 12:00 AM was noon.
314
00:20:16,599 --> 00:20:18,180
No, that's 12:00 PM, sir.
315
00:20:20,878 --> 00:20:23,858
The mineral ore storage bay is now sealed off
until further notice.
316
00:20:23,958 --> 00:20:29,217
Also, your seven-day leaving period
has been reduced to seven minutes.
317
00:20:29,317 --> 00:20:31,738
What are we gonna do now?
318
00:20:31,838 --> 00:20:34,657
We have to take Starbug and find a new ship.
319
00:20:34,757 --> 00:20:37,537
Screw your head on, Kryten.
We haven't passed a ship in yonks.
320
00:20:37,637 --> 00:20:40,696
That's not strictly true.
In fact, we passed one yesterday.
321
00:20:40,796 --> 00:20:43,136
We did?
Why didn't you tell us, sir?
322
00:20:43,236 --> 00:20:44,976
I did, Kryten.
I told you.
323
00:20:45,076 --> 00:20:47,798
- Come on.
- I knew I needed a service!
324
00:20:49,595 --> 00:20:53,477
If we fire up the burners,
we can catch that ship in a couple of days.
325
00:21:17,019 --> 00:21:22,410
"If we fire up the burners on Starbug,
we could catch that ship in a couple of days."
326
00:21:22,510 --> 00:21:23,730
The thing about space is...
327
00:21:23,830 --> 00:21:24,929
Don't say it's big.
328
00:21:25,029 --> 00:21:27,369
It is big.
It's really big.
329
00:21:27,469 --> 00:21:30,129
94 billion light years in diameter, in fact.
330
00:21:30,229 --> 00:21:32,128
Sometimes I can't find stuff in our fridge,
331
00:21:32,228 --> 00:21:34,168
and that's only three feet in diameter.
332
00:21:34,268 --> 00:21:36,848
Wait, I'm getting something!
333
00:21:36,948 --> 00:21:40,207
I don't think it's the ship that passed Red Dwarf,
it's something else.
334
00:21:40,307 --> 00:21:43,047
Some kind of deep-space reconnaissance ship.
335
00:21:43,147 --> 00:21:44,768
Handshaking now.
336
00:21:44,868 --> 00:21:47,087
The ship is called the Iron Star
337
00:21:47,187 --> 00:21:50,048
and was built several hundred years
after Red Dwarf
338
00:21:50,148 --> 00:21:53,709
with, presumably,
all that brings in technological advances.
339
00:22:00,627 --> 00:22:03,325
If this ship's in decent nick,
we could've struck gold here.
340
00:22:03,425 --> 00:22:05,085
This could be our new home.
341
00:22:05,185 --> 00:22:08,346
I'll download the Iron Star's floor plan
and show you round.
342
00:22:25,618 --> 00:22:26,917
Iron Star.
343
00:22:27,017 --> 00:22:28,677
Obviously needs some TLC,
344
00:22:28,777 --> 00:22:33,956
but it's the perfect ship
for those crews looking for a project.
345
00:22:34,056 --> 00:22:37,377
And most importantly,
there's no forward chain.
346
00:22:39,056 --> 00:22:41,036
The AAR is now complete.
347
00:22:41,136 --> 00:22:43,716
It is now safe to remove helmets.
348
00:22:43,816 --> 00:22:46,355
How come Helmet-head
gets to stay on Starbug?
349
00:22:46,455 --> 00:22:49,315
Space Corps Directive 76239.
350
00:22:49,415 --> 00:22:53,735
"Extreme caution should be taken
on the naturist deck when peeling carrots"?
351
00:22:55,853 --> 00:23:00,592
Derelict ships have to be made safe
before the senior officer ventures onboard.
352
00:23:00,692 --> 00:23:02,614
Hey, what's this?
353
00:23:08,973 --> 00:23:10,335
What is that place?
354
00:23:12,093 --> 00:23:15,232
I believe it's their hologram projection suite,
sir.
355
00:23:15,332 --> 00:23:19,952
It looks like the Iron Star
was able to sustain multiple holograms.
356
00:23:20,052 --> 00:23:23,191
They had tech way in advance
of anything on Red Dwarf.
357
00:23:23,291 --> 00:23:26,431
Yeah, it doesn't look like you have to
wind up anything round here.
358
00:23:26,531 --> 00:23:28,310
So how'd they do it?
359
00:23:28,410 --> 00:23:31,991
A form of quantum energy
known as diamond light.
360
00:23:32,091 --> 00:23:35,990
It enables holograms
to have unimaginable powers.
361
00:23:36,090 --> 00:23:37,331
I'll be right down!
362
00:23:44,246 --> 00:23:45,706
What's this?
363
00:23:45,806 --> 00:23:49,386
It creates a force field
around food you've elected not to eat.
364
00:23:49,486 --> 00:23:51,585
Must be some kind of slimming aid.
365
00:23:51,685 --> 00:23:53,345
It's on the no-meat vegan setting.
366
00:23:53,445 --> 00:23:55,666
Smart cutlery.
No thanks.
367
00:23:55,766 --> 00:23:57,327
I like me cutlery stupid.
368
00:23:59,885 --> 00:24:02,345
So what does this tech do?
Can it upgrade my light bee?
369
00:24:02,445 --> 00:24:05,384
Well, according to the notes,
it gives holograms the ability
370
00:24:05,484 --> 00:24:08,064
to manipulate light in all its forms.
371
00:24:08,164 --> 00:24:11,264
- What the hell does that mean?
- I'm not exactly sure.
372
00:24:11,364 --> 00:24:13,943
I suggest we take the tech back to Starbug
373
00:24:14,043 --> 00:24:18,743
and conduct further tests
before we embark on an untested pathway.
374
00:24:18,843 --> 00:24:24,223
I'm not waiting while you conduct your
namby-pamby European Space Agency safety tests,
375
00:24:24,323 --> 00:24:28,582
with me having to go before a committee
of meddling grey-suited bureau-droids
376
00:24:28,682 --> 00:24:32,764
and answer multiple-choice questions
on where I'm most likely to find a croissant.
377
00:24:34,041 --> 00:24:36,741
I'll take my chances now, thank you so much.
378
00:24:36,841 --> 00:24:40,421
But, sir,
this is technology we're unfamiliar with.
379
00:24:40,521 --> 00:24:43,322
We need more time to evaluate if it's safe!
380
00:24:44,640 --> 00:24:48,202
Kryten, I want the upgrade now,
and that's an order.
381
00:24:49,520 --> 00:24:51,042
Deactivate.
382
00:25:05,837 --> 00:25:08,337
Are you sure this is safe?
383
00:25:08,437 --> 00:25:10,496
Perhaps I'm over-worrying, sir.
384
00:25:10,596 --> 00:25:12,617
After all, what's the worst that can happen?
385
00:25:12,717 --> 00:25:15,177
I'm making a list.
I'm up to ten already.
386
00:25:15,277 --> 00:25:16,559
Make that eleven.
387
00:25:28,634 --> 00:25:30,614
What's going on?
I'm back to soft light.
388
00:25:30,714 --> 00:25:34,235
No need to panic, sir.
I believe it's just going through the gears.
389
00:25:43,153 --> 00:25:46,434
With every jump I feel stronger,
better, more powerful.
390
00:25:48,742 --> 00:25:49,962
It's still going.
391
00:25:50,062 --> 00:25:51,755
I haven't felt this amazing
since I catalogued
392
00:25:51,855 --> 00:25:55,693
all my books on obsessive-compulsive disorder
using the Dewey Decimal System.
393
00:26:01,790 --> 00:26:05,050
Congratulations, sir.
You've upgraded to diamond light.
394
00:26:05,150 --> 00:26:06,290
How do you feel?
395
00:26:06,390 --> 00:26:07,672
Incredible.
396
00:26:09,789 --> 00:26:11,311
I wonder...
397
00:26:24,026 --> 00:26:26,166
I can change objects into light,
398
00:26:26,266 --> 00:26:28,967
and transfer them back
to their solid state again.
399
00:26:29,067 --> 00:26:33,428
Soft and hard light working together
in perfect quantum harmony.
400
00:26:34,356 --> 00:26:35,578
Wait.
401
00:27:06,511 --> 00:27:08,471
I'm a superhero!
402
00:27:08,871 --> 00:27:10,153
I need a name.
403
00:27:11,711 --> 00:27:13,193
Glitter Guy.
404
00:27:14,590 --> 00:27:16,072
No, something better.
405
00:27:17,110 --> 00:27:18,889
The Mighty Light.
406
00:27:18,989 --> 00:27:22,751
I've never felt so powerful,
so utterly amaze...
407
00:27:27,110 --> 00:27:28,449
Mighty Light?
408
00:27:28,549 --> 00:27:30,431
More like Shitey Sprite.
409
00:27:37,308 --> 00:27:38,968
- What happened?
- As you know,
410
00:27:39,068 --> 00:27:42,927
we chose not to carry out
European Space Agency safety checks.
411
00:27:43,027 --> 00:27:46,328
As a consequence,
the power surge has fried your battery.
412
00:27:46,428 --> 00:27:48,888
Your light bee won't hold any charge.
413
00:27:48,988 --> 00:27:52,669
The only way of powering you up now
is from an independent power source.
414
00:27:54,187 --> 00:27:57,007
- I'm plugged in?!
- Well, without being plugged in,
415
00:27:57,107 --> 00:27:59,765
you have just a few minutes
of charge time left.
416
00:27:59,865 --> 00:28:02,765
From Glitter Guy to the Cable Kid.
417
00:28:02,865 --> 00:28:04,285
And once your charge is spent,
418
00:28:04,385 --> 00:28:07,004
it's almost certain
you'll shut down permanently.
419
00:28:07,104 --> 00:28:09,124
Though I'm not getting my hopes up.
420
00:28:09,224 --> 00:28:13,524
Why on Earth did we do the transfer
without carrying out the proper safety tests?
421
00:28:13,624 --> 00:28:15,484
Well, because you ordered me not to, sir.
422
00:28:15,584 --> 00:28:17,444
Yes, but why did you listen to me?
423
00:28:17,544 --> 00:28:19,723
You know I often
don't know what I'm talking about,
424
00:28:19,823 --> 00:28:21,602
and when I don't,
it's your job to say something.
425
00:28:21,702 --> 00:28:23,202
Well, I did try, sir.
426
00:28:23,302 --> 00:28:25,082
Clearly not hard enough.
427
00:28:25,182 --> 00:28:27,143
You are on report.
428
00:28:28,341 --> 00:28:31,440
Kryten 2X4B.
429
00:28:31,540 --> 00:28:32,902
Offence...
430
00:28:35,539 --> 00:28:39,222
Listening to me.
431
00:28:41,219 --> 00:28:44,319
Come on, let's check out the rest of the ship.
Are we moving in or what?
432
00:28:44,419 --> 00:28:46,199
And what am I supposed to do?
Stay here?
433
00:28:46,299 --> 00:28:49,438
You can come too.
Just use the extension leads.
434
00:28:49,538 --> 00:28:50,838
Yeah.
435
00:28:50,938 --> 00:28:53,438
I'm Acting Senior Officer on this ship.
436
00:28:53,538 --> 00:28:57,357
I have a certain standing,
dignity and stature.
437
00:28:57,457 --> 00:28:59,539
I'm not an electric hedge trimmer!
438
00:29:23,815 --> 00:29:24,954
Is this the right way?
439
00:29:25,054 --> 00:29:27,075
I think we might have taken a wrong turn,
sir.
440
00:29:27,175 --> 00:29:31,195
Whichever way we go,
just make sure there are enough plug sockets.
441
00:29:31,295 --> 00:29:33,096
I'm sure we've been this way before.
442
00:29:34,454 --> 00:29:35,456
Sorry.
443
00:29:37,734 --> 00:29:40,334
- Who were they?
- Just some people. What?
444
00:29:43,691 --> 00:29:46,551
It's him!
The Holy Poppadom!
445
00:29:46,651 --> 00:29:50,670
He has come back,
as predicted by the Book Of Smeg!
446
00:29:50,770 --> 00:29:53,111
I can speak!
447
00:29:53,351 --> 00:29:54,562
A miracle!
448
00:30:08,509 --> 00:30:10,379
Guys...
Get up, get up.
449
00:30:10,479 --> 00:30:13,188
- Who are you?
- I... I am Brother Sol.
450
00:30:13,288 --> 00:30:15,968
- I'm Sister Luna.
- Sister Peanut. I can speak.
451
00:30:16,068 --> 00:30:19,209
I couldn't before.
Cos of you.
452
00:30:19,309 --> 00:30:20,608
What are you doing here?
453
00:30:20,708 --> 00:30:23,689
We are fleeing from the Feral Cats
who seek to kill us
454
00:30:23,789 --> 00:30:25,609
for spreading your teachings.
455
00:30:25,709 --> 00:30:28,688
Wait, do you think I'm some kind of god?
456
00:30:28,788 --> 00:30:31,328
We don't think, Holy Poppadom, we know.
457
00:30:31,428 --> 00:30:34,208
Ever since I was a child,
I've had three meals of vindaloo a day,
458
00:30:34,308 --> 00:30:36,326
as the sacred writings said we must.
459
00:30:36,426 --> 00:30:39,886
Only then
will we be rid of the evil inside of us.
460
00:30:39,986 --> 00:30:41,286
You did what?
461
00:30:41,386 --> 00:30:43,925
Listen.
There's been a massive misunderstanding
462
00:30:44,025 --> 00:30:47,965
based on half-truths and...
misunderstanding.
463
00:30:48,065 --> 00:30:50,084
I'm just a man.
464
00:30:50,184 --> 00:30:53,924
No-one special. A nobody, really.
Come on, guys, back me up here.
465
00:30:54,024 --> 00:30:56,523
- Well, he's a nobody.
- He's less than nobody. - An absolute zero.
466
00:30:56,623 --> 00:31:00,202
It's as we always imagined.
Truly humble.
467
00:31:00,302 --> 00:31:03,282
You have been such an inspiration to us,
Holy Poppadom,
468
00:31:03,382 --> 00:31:08,081
as our society fell to the Ferals
and their tyrannical regime.
469
00:31:08,181 --> 00:31:10,001
- Ferals?
- Cats,
470
00:31:10,101 --> 00:31:13,281
like you and I, brother,
but vain and shallow creatures
471
00:31:13,381 --> 00:31:16,761
who share nothing
and care about nobody but themselves.
472
00:31:16,861 --> 00:31:19,800
There are people out there like that?
473
00:31:19,900 --> 00:31:24,600
But fear not, Holy Poppadom,
for we have stolen the Anubis Stone...
474
00:31:24,700 --> 00:31:28,220
which holds untold powers
to whoever possesses it.
475
00:31:29,858 --> 00:31:31,518
Anubis?
Who's he?
476
00:31:31,618 --> 00:31:35,037
A creature with the head of a cat
who embalmed the dead.
477
00:31:35,137 --> 00:31:38,998
According to the scriptures,
he who possesses the sacred stone
478
00:31:39,098 --> 00:31:42,660
shall fend off his enemies
and lead his people to the promised land.
479
00:31:45,078 --> 00:31:46,738
What is it?
480
00:31:46,838 --> 00:31:49,257
On first look, I thought it was serendibite,
481
00:31:49,357 --> 00:31:52,137
one of the most precious minerals
in the universe.
482
00:31:52,237 --> 00:31:54,736
But on closer inspection, I realised
483
00:31:54,836 --> 00:31:56,838
it's varnished beetle dung.
484
00:31:59,196 --> 00:32:00,496
Not so precious, then.
485
00:32:00,596 --> 00:32:02,055
It is to them.
486
00:32:02,155 --> 00:32:05,216
We are so blessed
to have finally met our Holy Poppadom.
487
00:32:07,836 --> 00:32:09,695
? Cloister...
David Cloister. ?
488
00:32:09,795 --> 00:32:12,534
? Cloister... Cloisty...
Cloister... Cloisty... ?
489
00:32:12,634 --> 00:32:14,614
? Cloister...
David Cloister. ?
490
00:32:14,714 --> 00:32:16,252
? Cloister...
Cloisty... ?
491
00:32:16,352 --> 00:32:19,092
Guys! Guys!
Guys!
492
00:32:19,192 --> 00:32:23,651
Let's take this from the top.
My name isn't Cloister, it's Lister.
493
00:32:23,751 --> 00:32:26,171
? David...
David Lister. ?
494
00:32:26,271 --> 00:32:28,411
? Lister... Listy...
Lister... Listy... ?
495
00:32:28,511 --> 00:32:31,691
Guys! Guys!
Let me finish.
496
00:32:31,791 --> 00:32:33,881
Okay.
So, years ago...
497
00:32:33,981 --> 00:32:37,851
- A sermon!
- A sermon in the corridor!
498
00:32:37,951 --> 00:32:39,970
All right.
Years ago...
499
00:32:40,070 --> 00:32:43,832
- Sir, may I have a word?
- What, now? One minute, guys.
500
00:32:45,949 --> 00:32:48,329
You can't tell them the truth!
501
00:32:48,429 --> 00:32:49,849
But I have to.
502
00:32:49,949 --> 00:32:51,889
These nutters think I'm their god.
503
00:32:51,989 --> 00:32:56,011
Sir, if you tell them the truth,
you'll break their hearts and crush their souls.
504
00:32:59,629 --> 00:33:03,968
You're right. I have to play along.
Act like a god.
505
00:33:04,068 --> 00:33:07,646
Act like a god?
You've scarcely mastered human.
506
00:33:07,746 --> 00:33:10,606
Well, they surely won't be with us for long.
What harm can it do?
507
00:33:10,706 --> 00:33:11,966
What's this?
508
00:33:12,066 --> 00:33:13,806
Energy signature, incoming.
509
00:33:13,906 --> 00:33:15,885
Some kind of boarding party beaming in.
510
00:33:15,985 --> 00:33:19,926
- Hey, cat buds, are you being followed?
- The Ferals!
511
00:33:20,026 --> 00:33:23,947
They're here, and they will not rest
until we have meowed our last.
512
00:33:25,185 --> 00:33:27,884
We beseech you, Holy Poppadom, protect us.
513
00:33:27,984 --> 00:33:30,283
Hang on.
How do we know they're not bait?
514
00:33:30,383 --> 00:33:32,403
Bait?
Who's the fish?
515
00:33:32,503 --> 00:33:34,225
Look in the mirror and do this.
516
00:33:36,263 --> 00:33:39,904
You know what? I've gotta help them.
After all, they are my followers.
517
00:33:41,582 --> 00:33:45,041
My friends, be not afraid.
518
00:33:45,141 --> 00:33:46,802
Follow me.
519
00:33:46,902 --> 00:33:48,442
"Be not afraid"?
520
00:33:48,542 --> 00:33:50,784
This god lark's gone straight to his head.
521
00:34:01,059 --> 00:34:03,079
No, it be this way.
522
00:34:03,179 --> 00:34:05,780
Thy went left when thy meant to go right.
523
00:34:20,577 --> 00:34:21,939
Wait for me!
524
00:34:31,976 --> 00:34:36,156
So it's you who shelter our runaway clerics.
525
00:34:36,256 --> 00:34:38,059
Who the hell are you?
526
00:34:40,496 --> 00:34:44,115
I am the Commander of the Armies
of the Feral Guards,
527
00:34:44,215 --> 00:34:49,433
General of the Fearless Legions, Feral King,
528
00:34:49,533 --> 00:34:52,615
and one goddamn gorgeous pussycat.
529
00:34:54,253 --> 00:34:58,072
Where is the Anubis Stone?
530
00:34:58,172 --> 00:35:01,112
Come on now, give it up.
531
00:35:01,212 --> 00:35:02,255
Or you shall die.
532
00:35:03,613 --> 00:35:05,352
And after you're dead,
533
00:35:05,452 --> 00:35:09,672
we will present your bloody corpses
to our people as a gift.
534
00:35:09,772 --> 00:35:12,991
A "pamper me" bath and candle set
often hits the mark too.
535
00:35:13,091 --> 00:35:15,871
Who wants to die first?
536
00:35:15,971 --> 00:35:18,670
If it's okay with everyone,
I'd like to go ninth.
537
00:35:18,770 --> 00:35:21,190
Silence, cat traitor!
538
00:35:21,290 --> 00:35:22,910
Whore man.
539
00:35:23,010 --> 00:35:24,230
Bitch of the people.
540
00:35:24,330 --> 00:35:26,029
How comes this guy can't stand me?
541
00:35:26,129 --> 00:35:27,950
He's only known me for twenty seconds.
542
00:35:28,050 --> 00:35:29,611
He's probably just saving time.
543
00:35:31,169 --> 00:35:33,348
You can't harm anyone any more, Rodon.
544
00:35:33,448 --> 00:35:37,388
Look who is with us.
Cloister, the god of our people.
545
00:35:37,488 --> 00:35:39,348
That be I.
546
00:35:39,448 --> 00:35:43,266
God who has created nothing
but hate and division and war and death.
547
00:35:43,366 --> 00:35:44,946
I've done some other stuff too.
548
00:35:45,046 --> 00:35:46,506
If I allow you to live,
549
00:35:46,606 --> 00:35:51,104
my sovereignty would dribble through my fingers
like fine grains of kitty litter.
550
00:35:51,204 --> 00:35:53,505
You must die.
551
00:35:53,605 --> 00:35:57,014
- Look, what is it that you guys want?
- The Anubis Stone.
552
00:35:57,114 --> 00:35:58,385
Well, we had that.
553
00:35:58,485 --> 00:36:01,585
We... We did have it, but...
then we lost it.
554
00:36:01,685 --> 00:36:05,544
- Didn't we, my followers?
- No, we didn't. It is here.
555
00:36:05,644 --> 00:36:09,343
And now we are protected by our Holy Poppadom,
we will never give up the stone.
556
00:36:09,443 --> 00:36:12,543
- Never.
- Ever.
557
00:36:12,643 --> 00:36:14,023
Get the stone.
558
00:36:14,123 --> 00:36:17,342
- Me, my Feral King?
- You are my royal aide, aren't you?
559
00:36:17,442 --> 00:36:21,223
I'm...
I'm more of a food and dining services sort of aide...
560
00:36:21,323 --> 00:36:24,062
Having trouble putting on a bow tie...
That's not me.
561
00:36:24,162 --> 00:36:26,822
Getting mystical stones off people...
Not really me either.
562
00:36:26,922 --> 00:36:29,062
- Get the stone.
- Right away, my Feral King.
563
00:36:29,162 --> 00:36:31,620
Try and take the stone,
and Cloister's wrath will be vented.
564
00:36:31,720 --> 00:36:34,900
- Hail will rain down.
- Plagues unleashed.
565
00:36:35,000 --> 00:36:36,860
Men will be turned into slabs of salt.
566
00:36:36,960 --> 00:36:40,579
Yeah, and not just normal salt,
like low-sodium sea salt.
567
00:36:40,679 --> 00:36:42,619
Go get the goddamn stone!
568
00:36:42,719 --> 00:36:44,322
On my way.
Here I go.
569
00:36:45,400 --> 00:36:48,379
Excuse me, sorry.
Coming through.
570
00:36:48,479 --> 00:36:49,779
Nice to meet you.
571
00:36:49,879 --> 00:36:51,539
Sorry.
Sorry, coming through.
572
00:36:51,639 --> 00:36:55,360
Watch what happens now
as they defy the will of our Holy Poppadom.
573
00:37:07,116 --> 00:37:09,296
Flush 'em out of an airlock.
574
00:37:09,396 --> 00:37:11,056
Let the cat people witness the consequences
575
00:37:11,156 --> 00:37:12,918
of questioning my sovereignty.
576
00:37:24,674 --> 00:37:26,236
- Cat.
- What?
577
00:37:46,112 --> 00:37:49,332
Vegan forks!
They won't let us stab meat!
578
00:37:49,432 --> 00:37:53,010
We can only stab tofu
and processed meat substitutes!
579
00:37:53,110 --> 00:37:55,272
Sir!
Some lettuce! Catch!
580
00:37:58,110 --> 00:38:00,071
Not so confident now, are you?
581
00:38:04,950 --> 00:38:07,351
Okay.
I'm dropping the lettuce.
582
00:38:08,469 --> 00:38:09,791
Lister, where are you?
583
00:38:30,225 --> 00:38:31,445
My Alpha.
584
00:38:31,545 --> 00:38:33,285
Where are they?
585
00:38:33,385 --> 00:38:35,044
I grow weary waiting.
586
00:38:35,144 --> 00:38:37,524
Destroy the Iron Star.
587
00:38:37,624 --> 00:38:40,324
But, my Alpha,
two of your party are still on board.
588
00:38:40,424 --> 00:38:41,866
Send fish to their mamas.
589
00:38:43,423 --> 00:38:45,105
Launch the meow missiles.
590
00:38:46,983 --> 00:38:48,106
Now!
591
00:39:06,861 --> 00:39:09,361
I'm unplugged.
I've only got a minute or so left.
592
00:39:09,461 --> 00:39:10,823
Have faith.
593
00:39:15,140 --> 00:39:18,263
How are we doing, Holy Poppadom?
Are we passing your test?
594
00:39:26,939 --> 00:39:29,341
And his wrath was mighty.
595
00:39:30,738 --> 00:39:32,878
- We need to get to Starbug.
- We'll use the lift.
596
00:39:32,978 --> 00:39:35,277
But you're not supposed to
use lifts at times like this!
597
00:39:35,377 --> 00:39:36,877
No, that's just fires.
598
00:39:36,977 --> 00:39:39,859
When you're on disintegrating spaceships,
no-one minds.
599
00:40:08,294 --> 00:40:09,434
Engines on.
600
00:40:09,534 --> 00:40:11,393
Retros on.
601
00:40:11,868 --> 00:40:13,590
We are outta here.
602
00:40:31,106 --> 00:40:33,005
The Iron Star's disintegrating.
603
00:40:33,105 --> 00:40:35,188
We've got to get out of the debris field!
604
00:40:38,076 --> 00:40:39,375
Something's caught us!
605
00:40:39,475 --> 00:40:41,655
It's debris hitting the stern section, sir.
606
00:40:41,755 --> 00:40:43,974
We're on fire.
The ship is on fire.
607
00:40:44,074 --> 00:40:47,492
It's heat from the fuel tanks.
We're going to explode.
608
00:40:47,592 --> 00:40:50,354
No choice.
Stand by for module separation.
609
00:40:53,232 --> 00:40:55,193
Uncoupling now!
610
00:41:00,232 --> 00:41:01,891
Stern ejected.
611
00:41:01,991 --> 00:41:05,531
Excellent quick thinking, Listy.
Just one question...
612
00:41:05,631 --> 00:41:07,811
How are you proposing to fly
what remains of the ship
613
00:41:07,911 --> 00:41:11,290
when all the engines
are in the bit you've just ejected?
614
00:41:11,390 --> 00:41:13,690
I'm probably worrying needlessly, I know.
615
00:41:13,790 --> 00:41:16,169
To be honest,
I didn't have an amazing amount of time
616
00:41:16,269 --> 00:41:19,329
- to go through every option.
- You mean like use a fire extinguisher?
617
00:41:19,429 --> 00:41:21,809
Use a fire extinguisher!
That could've worked too.
618
00:41:21,909 --> 00:41:27,129
I just thought at the time,
"Ship's on fire. Get rid of the fiery bit."
619
00:41:27,229 --> 00:41:30,968
Get rid of the fiery bit,
worry about the fly-ey bit later?
620
00:41:31,068 --> 00:41:32,728
Tomorrow's another day.
621
00:41:32,828 --> 00:41:36,288
Unfortunately,
we need to get past today to get to tomorrow,
622
00:41:36,388 --> 00:41:39,967
and it's the today part of your
whizzo escape plan that concerns me.
623
00:41:40,067 --> 00:41:42,087
Kryten, what's our present flight path?
624
00:41:42,187 --> 00:41:43,469
It's down, sir.
625
00:41:45,186 --> 00:41:47,326
Could you possibly be a bit more specific?
626
00:41:47,426 --> 00:41:50,047
Well, it's straight down, sir.
627
00:41:50,147 --> 00:41:53,126
Heading for that desert moon
that's directly below us.
628
00:41:53,226 --> 00:41:55,126
Anyone know how to land a cockpit?
629
00:41:55,226 --> 00:41:56,965
There'll be a way.
Kryten will know.
630
00:41:57,065 --> 00:41:58,925
He always knows about stuff like this.
631
00:41:59,025 --> 00:42:02,284
Not absolutely always, sir,
as I'm about to prove.
632
00:42:02,384 --> 00:42:06,004
How come you don't know?
I thought you were meant to be a major astro.
633
00:42:06,104 --> 00:42:08,725
That's the predictive text misspell
for what he is.
634
00:42:10,343 --> 00:42:11,803
Well, what are we gonna do?
635
00:42:11,903 --> 00:42:14,362
The owner's manual.
Look for the owner's manual.
636
00:42:14,462 --> 00:42:17,363
You'll find it with the service history
and the MOT.
637
00:42:17,463 --> 00:42:18,545
Is this it?
638
00:42:22,742 --> 00:42:25,922
- This is interesting.
- What?
639
00:42:26,022 --> 00:42:31,200
Apparently, the infotainment touch screen
has a pinch-to-zoom feature
640
00:42:31,300 --> 00:42:34,159
and delivers the richest
audiovisual entertainment
641
00:42:34,259 --> 00:42:37,638
in any low-budget
ship-to-planet transport vehicle to date.
642
00:42:37,738 --> 00:42:38,860
Who knew that?
643
00:42:40,618 --> 00:42:42,878
Look, we're entering the upper atmosphere.
644
00:42:42,978 --> 00:42:45,118
The ship's not slowing down.
The atmosphere's too thin.
645
00:42:45,218 --> 00:42:46,328
"Landing."
646
00:42:46,428 --> 00:42:47,838
Got it.
247.
647
00:42:47,938 --> 00:42:49,620
43, 45, 47.
648
00:42:50,857 --> 00:42:52,517
"Launch parachute."
649
00:42:52,617 --> 00:42:55,579
- Parachute?
- Launching parachute.
650
00:42:56,937 --> 00:42:58,356
Launching parachute!
651
00:42:58,456 --> 00:43:00,476
Where's the parachute?
There's no parachute. It's not here.
652
00:43:00,576 --> 00:43:02,357
How can it not be here?
653
00:43:02,457 --> 00:43:08,418
Is the parachute that...
big shiny fluffy piece of material with coloured stripes?
654
00:43:10,296 --> 00:43:14,395
You removed the emergency parachute
to make yourself a Puffa jacket?
655
00:43:14,495 --> 00:43:18,017
Not just a Puffa.
I got a pair of mittens out of it, too!
656
00:43:19,055 --> 00:43:21,993
It was silk.
What did you want me to do?
657
00:43:22,093 --> 00:43:25,831
Relax, sirs, there's an emergency backup...
Is there?
658
00:43:25,931 --> 00:43:28,732
Or is the backup parachute
now hanging in your wardrobe
659
00:43:28,832 --> 00:43:31,792
next to your leather jacket
made out of the ejector seats?
660
00:43:31,892 --> 00:43:33,673
When have I ever had two suits the same?
661
00:43:33,773 --> 00:43:35,512
I used one parachute.
662
00:43:35,612 --> 00:43:36,894
Launching parachute.
663
00:43:42,811 --> 00:43:44,053
Retros on.
664
00:43:50,370 --> 00:43:52,652
Touchdown in five seconds.
Brace for impact.
665
00:44:13,767 --> 00:44:15,667
Starbug has landed.
666
00:44:15,767 --> 00:44:19,328
- Permission to go into apeshit mode.
- Permission granted.
667
00:44:24,526 --> 00:44:26,385
What now?
668
00:44:26,485 --> 00:44:29,706
We've gotta take stock.
Food, water, fuel... What have we got?
669
00:44:29,806 --> 00:44:31,306
Food...
None.
670
00:44:31,406 --> 00:44:32,905
Water...
None.
671
00:44:33,005 --> 00:44:34,207
Fuel...
672
00:44:47,203 --> 00:44:48,405
None.
673
00:45:19,448 --> 00:45:20,698
My Alpha.
674
00:45:20,798 --> 00:45:23,848
I am sorry to interrupt you
knocking things off the table,
675
00:45:23,948 --> 00:45:27,767
but an escape ship has been detected
fleeing from the Iron Star.
676
00:45:27,867 --> 00:45:31,567
There's every reason to suspect
it is piloted by the humans.
677
00:45:31,667 --> 00:45:33,327
Also, worryingly, the Anubis Stone
678
00:45:33,427 --> 00:45:36,526
appears to be nothing more than
varnished beetle dung.
679
00:45:36,626 --> 00:45:39,685
So they still have the real Anubis Stone.
680
00:45:39,785 --> 00:45:41,205
Find them.
681
00:45:41,305 --> 00:45:42,306
My Alpha.
682
00:45:47,085 --> 00:45:49,826
A fresh scratching post, my King.
683
00:46:01,793 --> 00:46:05,952
So, after cleverly jettisoning the engines
and all the ship's fuel,
684
00:46:06,052 --> 00:46:09,233
very much looking forward to
Listy's screw-up part deux.
685
00:46:09,333 --> 00:46:10,753
Look, there's no need to panic.
686
00:46:10,853 --> 00:46:12,792
I've been in holes before and got out of it.
687
00:46:12,892 --> 00:46:15,112
Remember that radiation leak on Red Dwarf?
688
00:46:15,212 --> 00:46:18,192
It killed the entire crew, including me.
689
00:46:18,292 --> 00:46:20,231
But I got out of it.
690
00:46:20,331 --> 00:46:21,773
Proving my point.
691
00:46:23,411 --> 00:46:24,871
Sorry to disturb you.
692
00:46:24,971 --> 00:46:28,190
We just wanted to congratulate you
on your expert landing.
693
00:46:28,290 --> 00:46:31,230
You know, when the ship was on fire,
some of us...
694
00:46:31,330 --> 00:46:33,829
were starting to have doubts,
but we knew you would save us, HP.
695
00:46:33,929 --> 00:46:35,550
You are truly amazing.
696
00:46:35,650 --> 00:46:38,750
Aw, you guys.
What are these ragamuffins like?
697
00:46:38,850 --> 00:46:40,709
So what's your plan now, Holy Poppadom?
698
00:46:40,809 --> 00:46:42,269
Create another amazing miracle
699
00:46:42,369 --> 00:46:44,389
so we can escape and find the promised land?
700
00:46:44,489 --> 00:46:46,469
Working on it now, Sister Luna.
701
00:46:46,569 --> 00:46:50,307
Got lots of ideas
floating round the almighty brain box.
702
00:46:50,407 --> 00:46:52,786
Just wanna come up
with something truly special.
703
00:46:52,886 --> 00:46:55,247
- Can't wait.
- Neither can we.
704
00:46:56,605 --> 00:46:59,825
Anyway...
I've gotta get on. Anything else?
705
00:46:59,925 --> 00:47:03,145
Yeah, one question.
Giving birth... Why did you make it hurt?
706
00:47:03,245 --> 00:47:05,120
And why did you make babies cry at night
707
00:47:05,220 --> 00:47:07,260
rather than just during the day
when everyone's awake?
708
00:47:07,360 --> 00:47:09,327
- Yeah.
- That's two questions.
709
00:47:09,427 --> 00:47:12,144
I got one.
Why do we have to bathe?
710
00:47:12,244 --> 00:47:14,886
Wouldn't it be easier
just to make us all non-stick?
711
00:47:16,763 --> 00:47:20,823
And...
how come we can't turn our head 360 degrees?
712
00:47:20,923 --> 00:47:23,942
Wouldn't that have made
reversing a bit easier?
713
00:47:24,042 --> 00:47:27,525
And... And... And male genitals...
Did you... Did you run out of time?
714
00:47:29,123 --> 00:47:32,302
Look, all good questions.
Terrific questions.
715
00:47:32,402 --> 00:47:34,142
But I've gotta get on.
I'm really busy.
716
00:47:34,242 --> 00:47:35,542
I've gotta save us,
717
00:47:35,642 --> 00:47:39,220
and then there's a whole bunch of people
I've gotta forgive,
718
00:47:39,320 --> 00:47:41,580
- so, you know...
- Of course, of course.
719
00:47:41,680 --> 00:47:43,820
We must leave you to
create your next miracle of wonderment.
720
00:47:43,920 --> 00:47:45,779
Exactly.
721
00:47:45,879 --> 00:47:48,059
What am I going to do?
722
00:47:48,159 --> 00:47:49,899
They're relying on me!
723
00:47:49,999 --> 00:47:51,940
Sir, a thought occurs...
724
00:47:52,040 --> 00:47:56,099
If we crash-landed,
perhaps some of the Iron Star crash-landed too.
725
00:47:56,199 --> 00:47:59,059
- So?
- Well, so if we can find some of the debris,
726
00:47:59,159 --> 00:48:01,738
maybe it can offer us a way off this rock.
727
00:48:01,838 --> 00:48:04,617
Wait...
The Iron Star had working teleporters, right?
728
00:48:04,717 --> 00:48:08,352
- Precisely.
- We're in two-thirds of a spaceship with no fuel.
729
00:48:08,452 --> 00:48:10,216
How are we supposed to find this debris?
730
00:48:10,316 --> 00:48:13,576
Well, I'll...
I'll read the owner's manual, see if I can find anything.
731
00:48:13,676 --> 00:48:15,735
This is interesting!
732
00:48:15,835 --> 00:48:19,736
Don't tell me.
The heated seats have a massage function.
733
00:48:19,836 --> 00:48:21,358
You've read it too?
734
00:48:26,875 --> 00:48:29,180
? Lister...
David Lister. ?
735
00:48:29,280 --> 00:48:31,293
? Lister... Listy...
Lister... Listy... ?
736
00:48:31,393 --> 00:48:33,863
? Lister...
David Lister. ?
737
00:48:33,963 --> 00:48:37,012
Listen to them!
I can't bear this.
738
00:48:37,112 --> 00:48:38,972
Gonna have to tell them who I really am.
739
00:48:39,072 --> 00:48:41,612
But sir, while they believe in you,
they have hope.
740
00:48:41,712 --> 00:48:43,693
If you tell them the truth,
it will destroy them.
741
00:48:43,793 --> 00:48:46,012
You're right.
I can't tell them.
742
00:48:46,112 --> 00:48:47,115
You've got to.
743
00:48:48,153 --> 00:48:49,813
Me?
Why me?
744
00:48:49,913 --> 00:48:51,892
- It'll be better coming from you.
- How so?
745
00:48:51,992 --> 00:48:53,434
I won't have to be there.
746
00:48:54,592 --> 00:48:57,652
Be there to see
the silent disappointment in their eyes.
747
00:48:57,752 --> 00:48:59,211
Remembering your history with women,
748
00:48:59,311 --> 00:49:02,633
I'd have thought
you'd be immune to that by now.
749
00:49:04,311 --> 00:49:05,451
Have you finished?
750
00:49:05,551 --> 00:49:07,512
Was said by no woman to you.
751
00:49:15,230 --> 00:49:18,409
As I'm a god, I forgive you for that.
752
00:49:18,509 --> 00:49:21,247
What's the point of telling them?
What's in it for us?
753
00:49:21,347 --> 00:49:23,407
It's not about us, Rimmer, it's about them.
754
00:49:23,507 --> 00:49:27,607
They're relying on me to pull some
supernatural wonder out of me magic miracle box.
755
00:49:27,707 --> 00:49:30,246
If they knew the truth,
at least they'd stop depending on me
756
00:49:30,346 --> 00:49:32,166
and start thinking for themselves.
757
00:49:32,266 --> 00:49:35,206
I've never thought for myself,
and it's never done me any harm.
758
00:49:35,306 --> 00:49:37,006
But you're dead.
759
00:49:37,106 --> 00:49:41,381
Dead because you didn't question
the order to repair an unrepairable drive plate.
760
00:49:41,481 --> 00:49:42,965
You didn't think for yourself.
761
00:49:43,065 --> 00:49:46,124
My body may be dead,
but my personality was resurrected
762
00:49:46,224 --> 00:49:48,324
to act as a hologrammatic mentor to you.
763
00:49:48,424 --> 00:49:52,083
And do you know why, out of the entire crew,
I was selected to return?
764
00:49:52,183 --> 00:49:53,385
Yeah.
Holly was nuts.
765
00:49:54,983 --> 00:50:00,173
Because I never think for myself,
I obey orders and I always carry a pen.
766
00:50:00,273 --> 00:50:03,563
That's a creed I've lived by my whole life.
It's a creed that takes you places.
767
00:50:03,663 --> 00:50:07,024
Yeah.
Straight through the cremation curtain and into an urn.
768
00:50:08,542 --> 00:50:11,322
Thinking for yourself
is surely the greatest lesson of all.
769
00:50:11,422 --> 00:50:13,361
That's why I taught it to you, Krytes.
770
00:50:13,461 --> 00:50:18,361
It transformed my life and allowed me to become
so much more than just a sanitation droid.
771
00:50:18,461 --> 00:50:20,400
And it could do the same for these nutjobs.
772
00:50:20,500 --> 00:50:23,222
So go on, get out there,
tell 'em who I really am.
773
00:50:27,780 --> 00:50:30,901
I have some bad news.
I think you should all sit down.
774
00:50:33,209 --> 00:50:35,588
You are.
775
00:50:35,688 --> 00:50:38,308
Well, perhaps sit down and hold on, then.
776
00:50:38,408 --> 00:50:39,868
Right, here goes.
777
00:50:40,468 --> 00:50:42,207
Mr Lister...
778
00:50:42,307 --> 00:50:44,127
There's something you should know.
779
00:50:44,227 --> 00:50:47,377
You see, well, the thing is...
780
00:50:47,477 --> 00:50:51,417
He's the most wonderful, amazing man
I've ever met!
781
00:50:51,517 --> 00:50:54,217
I absolutely adore him!
782
00:50:54,317 --> 00:50:56,558
I thought I should put you straight on that.
783
00:51:02,396 --> 00:51:03,814
How'd it go?
Did you tell them?
784
00:51:03,914 --> 00:51:06,996
After everything you've done for me,
sir, I just couldn't.
785
00:51:08,034 --> 00:51:09,836
I'll go again.
786
00:51:13,233 --> 00:51:14,453
I must apologise.
787
00:51:14,553 --> 00:51:19,053
Last time, I told you Mr Lister
was the most wonderful, amazing man.
788
00:51:19,153 --> 00:51:22,773
That's not quite the whole picture.
789
00:51:22,873 --> 00:51:27,132
In fact,
he's staggeringly incredible and stupendous too!
790
00:51:32,331 --> 00:51:35,411
You tell them!
I'm hopeless at telling them.
791
00:51:35,511 --> 00:51:36,772
What's the problem?
792
00:51:36,872 --> 00:51:39,051
I just can't bring myself to criticise you,
sir.
793
00:51:39,151 --> 00:51:41,292
Well, someone's gotta tell 'em.
794
00:51:41,392 --> 00:51:43,371
I'm a cat, they're cats.
795
00:51:43,471 --> 00:51:45,193
Let me take care of this.
796
00:51:48,385 --> 00:51:50,250
Yo, buds.
797
00:51:50,350 --> 00:51:52,050
What is it with you guys?
798
00:51:52,150 --> 00:51:54,528
That guy in there ain't your God.
799
00:51:54,628 --> 00:51:57,208
He ain't nobody.
800
00:51:57,308 --> 00:52:00,488
Did he not go into stasis
and save the mother of our people?
801
00:52:00,588 --> 00:52:02,469
Well...
Okay, he did that.
802
00:52:04,027 --> 00:52:08,087
Did he not refuse to betray her
to the authorities and now we live?
803
00:52:08,687 --> 00:52:10,588
Well, okay, he did that too.
804
00:52:11,426 --> 00:52:15,947
And did he not give me the power of speech
when before I had no such gift?
805
00:52:21,661 --> 00:52:25,174
? ...David Lister.
Lister... Listy... Lister... Listy... ?
806
00:52:25,274 --> 00:52:27,388
? Lister...
David Lister. ?
807
00:52:27,488 --> 00:52:29,693
? Lister... Listy...
Lister... Listy... ?
808
00:52:29,793 --> 00:52:32,084
? Lister...
Lister... Lister... ?
809
00:52:32,184 --> 00:52:34,074
? Lister... Listy...
Lister... Listy... ?
810
00:52:34,174 --> 00:52:35,284
? Lister! ?
811
00:52:35,384 --> 00:52:39,013
? Lister... Listy... Lister... Listy...
Lister... Listy... ?
812
00:52:39,113 --> 00:52:41,363
They've converted him!
813
00:52:41,463 --> 00:52:44,065
Why can no-one criticise me?
814
00:52:56,179 --> 00:52:57,822
Cometh the hour, cometh the man.
815
00:52:59,180 --> 00:53:02,080
I once did a course
in the art of breaking bad news.
816
00:53:02,180 --> 00:53:03,920
I came top of the class.
817
00:53:04,020 --> 00:53:07,039
I was particularly proud
of one of the simulation scenarios
818
00:53:07,139 --> 00:53:09,959
where I had to tell a man
who'd just regained consciousness
819
00:53:10,059 --> 00:53:13,821
that the emergency rescue team
hadn't found his penis.
820
00:53:21,937 --> 00:53:23,860
Although, sadly, his dog had.
821
00:53:28,857 --> 00:53:31,979
Kryten, watch and learn!
822
00:53:34,177 --> 00:53:37,555
Right, you lot.
I'm cutting straight to the chase,
823
00:53:37,655 --> 00:53:40,376
You've devoted your lives
to worshipping a feckless...
824
00:53:43,974 --> 00:53:45,516
A piece of the bridge landed!
825
00:53:47,454 --> 00:53:49,995
Thank you, Holy Poppadom.
826
00:53:50,095 --> 00:53:52,314
- We are truly blessed.
- Another miracle.
827
00:53:52,414 --> 00:53:54,194
How is a huge chunk of crashed spaceship
828
00:53:54,294 --> 00:53:57,354
hurtling towards us
at 1,000 miles an hour a miracle?
829
00:53:57,454 --> 00:54:00,033
- 'Tis not for us to question.
- I think it probably is.
830
00:54:00,133 --> 00:54:01,354
Too late!
831
00:54:09,531 --> 00:54:11,391
There may be working teleporters on there.
832
00:54:11,491 --> 00:54:13,190
Did you know the landing retros swivel
833
00:54:13,290 --> 00:54:16,031
and can be used as a makeshift hovercraft?
834
00:54:16,131 --> 00:54:19,470
That's all very well,
but we don't have any fuel.
835
00:54:19,570 --> 00:54:22,790
Well, according to the manual,
Starbug is a hybrid, sir.
836
00:54:22,890 --> 00:54:24,292
We can switch to electric.
837
00:54:26,688 --> 00:54:28,148
Then what are we waiting for?
838
00:54:28,248 --> 00:54:30,908
Hovercraft mode.
Engaging now.
839
00:54:31,008 --> 00:54:32,710
Guys, go strap yourselves back in.
840
00:54:36,247 --> 00:54:38,267
Nothing's happening.
841
00:54:38,367 --> 00:54:42,667
Well, it's electric. It doesn't make any engine noise, sir.
It's already started.
842
00:54:42,767 --> 00:54:44,089
Okay, let's go.
843
00:54:56,300 --> 00:54:57,715
How much charge have we got?
844
00:54:57,815 --> 00:55:01,345
- According to the readouts, 57%, sir.
- Excellent.
845
00:55:01,445 --> 00:55:04,704
However,
as we don't know how long our journey might take,
846
00:55:04,804 --> 00:55:08,265
to conserve power
I suggest we travel on eco mode.
847
00:55:08,365 --> 00:55:10,344
I hope you're paying attention, Lister.
848
00:55:10,444 --> 00:55:12,904
Here is someone
with a brain larger than a pea
849
00:55:13,004 --> 00:55:16,184
coming up with a rescue strategy
that's thought through and intelligent.
850
00:55:16,284 --> 00:55:19,244
I also suggest we turn off
all non-essential electricals.
851
00:55:22,121 --> 00:55:23,821
You mean me?
852
00:55:23,921 --> 00:55:26,740
Not just you, sir.
There's the air conditioning,
853
00:55:26,840 --> 00:55:28,660
the lights, the seat warmers.
854
00:55:28,760 --> 00:55:30,661
And where do I come on this list?
855
00:55:30,761 --> 00:55:32,980
Above seat warmers but below air con?
856
00:55:33,080 --> 00:55:35,780
Are you outta your mind?
We need those seat warmers.
857
00:55:35,880 --> 00:55:37,700
The desert gets chilly at night.
858
00:55:37,800 --> 00:55:41,979
Sir,
could I suggest you enter low-power mode?
859
00:55:42,079 --> 00:55:44,779
Low-power mode.
I hate low-power mode.
860
00:55:44,879 --> 00:55:46,419
My vision's standard def,
861
00:55:46,519 --> 00:55:47,898
I can only hear in mono,
862
00:55:47,998 --> 00:55:51,418
and when there's electronic interference,
I wind up looking all snowy.
863
00:55:51,518 --> 00:55:55,480
But it's the only way to preserve
what's left of Starbug's charge, sir.
864
00:56:00,319 --> 00:56:03,898
Look at him.
He looks like an old movie you don't wanna watch.
865
00:56:03,998 --> 00:56:05,258
Okay, no need to say anything.
866
00:56:05,358 --> 00:56:07,458
But this is freaky, bud.
867
00:56:07,558 --> 00:56:10,136
It's like seeing
a tortoise without its shell.
868
00:56:10,236 --> 00:56:13,016
Hello, I'm here.
I can hear all this.
869
00:56:13,116 --> 00:56:15,296
But he's not real, is he?
You forget.
870
00:56:15,396 --> 00:56:17,135
I am real.
Of course I'm real!
871
00:56:17,235 --> 00:56:19,655
Yeah, but you're not really real,
you're dead.
872
00:56:19,755 --> 00:56:21,616
This really brings it home.
873
00:56:21,716 --> 00:56:23,016
You're creeping me out.
874
00:56:23,116 --> 00:56:26,695
As the French philosopher Rene Descartes
once said,
875
00:56:26,795 --> 00:56:28,655
"I think, therefore I am."
876
00:56:28,755 --> 00:56:30,357
"Je pense, donc je...
877
00:56:31,354 --> 00:56:32,714
am."
878
00:56:33,514 --> 00:56:35,453
But you don't think, do ya?
879
00:56:35,553 --> 00:56:36,813
Guys, guys, come on.
880
00:56:36,913 --> 00:56:39,292
Of course I think.
What are you talking about?
881
00:56:39,392 --> 00:56:41,852
No, you don't.
You don't decide what you do.
882
00:56:41,952 --> 00:56:45,291
The computer in your light bee
does all your thinking for you.
883
00:56:45,391 --> 00:56:48,691
There's no actual you
to think or not think anything.
884
00:56:48,791 --> 00:56:52,490
Sir, please!
Can you stop being so...
885
00:56:52,590 --> 00:56:54,850
catty?
886
00:56:54,950 --> 00:56:57,730
There's no actual me
to think or not think anything?
887
00:56:57,830 --> 00:57:00,328
I've never actually thought about that.
888
00:57:00,428 --> 00:57:02,248
I haven't got free will, then, have I?
889
00:57:02,348 --> 00:57:04,768
So it's not,
"I think, therefore I am."
890
00:57:04,868 --> 00:57:09,709
It's,
"The computer thinks, therefore I think I am."
891
00:57:11,147 --> 00:57:13,208
I've never actually
thought about that before.
892
00:57:13,308 --> 00:57:15,527
And you're not thinking about it now.
893
00:57:15,627 --> 00:57:17,888
It's your light bee making you
think you're thinking about it.
894
00:57:17,988 --> 00:57:23,007
- Cat, man, back the smeg off, okay?
- I don't actually exist, then, do I?
895
00:57:23,257 --> 00:57:25,247
You see what you've done, sir?
896
00:57:25,347 --> 00:57:28,029
You've put Mr Rimmer
in existential crisis mode.
897
00:57:29,286 --> 00:57:33,526
And look!
The added anxiety is consuming more of our battery!
898
00:57:33,626 --> 00:57:36,925
Guys, if we're gonna get through this,
we need to stick together.
899
00:57:37,025 --> 00:57:39,926
What's the point?
We're screwed.
900
00:57:40,026 --> 00:57:42,348
Well, I'm not.
I don't exist.
901
00:57:44,305 --> 00:57:45,605
What the hell was that?!
902
00:57:45,705 --> 00:57:47,106
The Ferals.
They've found us.
903
00:57:51,862 --> 00:57:53,864
Fire everything we have!
904
00:57:56,582 --> 00:57:59,761
From the heat signature,
it's one ship coming in at six o'clock.
905
00:57:59,861 --> 00:58:01,081
Open the sun roof.
906
00:58:01,181 --> 00:58:03,562
There's no point.
I forgot to bring my surrender flag.
907
00:58:03,662 --> 00:58:07,363
I take it everywhere with me,
and on the one day I think I won't need it...
908
00:58:08,541 --> 00:58:11,041
We're not surrendering.
Cat, stand on the chair
909
00:58:11,141 --> 00:58:13,320
and start blasting out
the emergency escape hatch.
910
00:58:13,420 --> 00:58:15,560
Wait, more trouble coming in from port side.
911
00:58:15,660 --> 00:58:18,200
I'm getting it too, sir.
It's a sandstorm.
912
00:58:18,300 --> 00:58:20,759
At 4.9 on the Stanley scale.
913
00:58:20,859 --> 00:58:23,079
Three miles high and 60 miles wide.
914
00:58:23,179 --> 00:58:24,352
Not according to this!
915
00:58:24,452 --> 00:58:28,125
It's 6.3 on the Stanley scale,
and it's coming on the starboard side.
916
00:58:28,225 --> 00:58:30,439
Is it possible
we could be looking at two sandstorms,
917
00:58:30,539 --> 00:58:32,719
both heading towards us from opposite sides?
918
00:58:32,819 --> 00:58:35,438
We're gonna be
the filling in a sandstorm sandwich.
919
00:58:35,538 --> 00:58:37,398
Kryten, likely outcome if we get hit?
920
00:58:37,498 --> 00:58:42,237
Paintwork damage and front panel replacement
required on both sides, sir.
921
00:58:42,337 --> 00:58:45,917
- What about cover?
- Getting insured at this point ain't gonna solve anything.
922
00:58:46,017 --> 00:58:48,317
Cover from the sandstorms,
you brainless cretin.
923
00:58:48,417 --> 00:58:52,116
To answer your question,
the nearest cover is the debris up ahead, sir.
924
00:58:52,216 --> 00:58:55,219
- Can we reach it in time?
- I don't believe we can.
925
00:58:58,496 --> 00:58:59,955
We need to go faster.
926
00:59:00,055 --> 00:59:01,835
We're flat-out, full power.
927
00:59:01,935 --> 00:59:02,997
They're catching us!
928
00:59:06,614 --> 00:59:09,554
Okay, only one thing for it.
Gotta fly into the sandstorm.
929
00:59:09,654 --> 00:59:10,682
What?
930
00:59:10,782 --> 00:59:12,232
Have you lost your mind?
931
00:59:12,332 --> 00:59:15,312
A couple of miles in, we'll kill all power.
They'll never find us.
932
00:59:15,412 --> 00:59:17,712
They'll never find us
because we'll be sandstorm soup!
933
00:59:17,812 --> 00:59:20,112
There could be
a tornado of debris parts in there.
934
00:59:20,212 --> 00:59:21,574
Have you got a better idea?
935
00:59:23,812 --> 00:59:27,813
Lister, fly into the sandstorm.
And that's an order.
936
00:59:52,093 --> 00:59:55,353
Nothing to do now but just to sit tight
and wait for it to blow over.
937
00:59:55,453 --> 00:59:58,052
How long's that gonna take?
Could be days.
938
00:59:58,452 --> 01:00:00,472
I'm wondering if I'm doing the right thing.
939
01:00:00,572 --> 01:00:02,952
- What d'you mean?
- Hanging on.
940
01:00:03,052 --> 01:00:05,031
Draining Starbug's battery.
941
01:00:05,131 --> 01:00:08,151
Maybe it would be better
if I just pulled my own plug and be done with it.
942
01:00:08,251 --> 01:00:09,992
But if you powered down, you'd be dead.
943
01:00:10,092 --> 01:00:11,871
I'm already dead.
944
01:00:11,971 --> 01:00:14,632
Why am I here?
What's the point of me?
945
01:00:14,732 --> 01:00:18,951
The only reason I was ever brought back
was because I was diametrically opposite to you.
946
01:00:19,051 --> 01:00:21,910
I don't fit in.
No-one likes me.
947
01:00:22,010 --> 01:00:24,830
People like you.
Of course they like you.
948
01:00:24,930 --> 01:00:27,548
Name one person on Red Dwarf who likes me.
949
01:00:27,648 --> 01:00:30,228
Come on,
I'm not getting into a naming contest, Rimmer.
950
01:00:30,328 --> 01:00:34,547
But there's... people on board that...
like you.
951
01:00:34,647 --> 01:00:36,667
- Name one.
- Come on.
952
01:00:36,767 --> 01:00:38,129
Name one!
953
01:00:40,048 --> 01:00:44,667
Okay...
What about Skutter on B Deck? He likes you.
954
01:00:44,767 --> 01:00:47,867
The one who's mental?
The one who eats shoes?
955
01:00:47,967 --> 01:00:50,227
He still likes you.
956
01:00:52,686 --> 01:00:56,785
That dispenser on C Deck, the one that leaks.
That likes you.
957
01:00:56,885 --> 01:01:00,207
It likes everyone. It's leaky.
Who else?
958
01:01:01,445 --> 01:01:03,704
- Kryten?
- Kryten does not like me.
959
01:01:03,804 --> 01:01:07,865
He thinks I'm a petty-minded, bureaucratic,
power-hungry control freak.
960
01:01:07,965 --> 01:01:10,504
But he still likes you.
Admires you, even.
961
01:01:10,604 --> 01:01:13,664
He told me he liked and admired you
just the other day.
962
01:01:13,764 --> 01:01:14,886
Yeah?
What did he say?
963
01:01:16,084 --> 01:01:19,222
That he liked and admired you...
just the other day.
964
01:01:19,322 --> 01:01:21,364
- Really?
- Really.
965
01:01:22,562 --> 01:01:24,741
A warm drink, sir.
966
01:01:24,841 --> 01:01:27,423
Don't ask where from.
It'll taste better that way.
967
01:01:28,600 --> 01:01:30,821
Not now, Kryten.
We're in the middle of something.
968
01:01:30,921 --> 01:01:34,142
Lister was saying you like and admire me, Kryten.
Is that true?
969
01:01:37,080 --> 01:01:39,459
- Look, he nodded.
- He didn't move.
970
01:01:39,559 --> 01:01:41,459
That was a proper nod.
971
01:01:41,559 --> 01:01:44,881
A definite seven-degree vertical tilt.
How could you miss that?
972
01:01:48,758 --> 01:01:50,098
Look, he did it again.
973
01:01:50,198 --> 01:01:52,058
And again.
974
01:01:52,158 --> 01:01:53,879
Kryten, do you like me?
975
01:01:56,278 --> 01:01:57,760
Well, do you?
976
01:02:13,035 --> 01:02:14,757
There you go.
What did I tell you?
977
01:02:16,434 --> 01:02:20,134
If that'll be all, sirs,
I think I'll go and change heads.
978
01:02:20,234 --> 01:02:22,277
I think I may just have ruined this one.
979
01:02:27,994 --> 01:02:29,814
You must think I'm stupid.
980
01:02:29,914 --> 01:02:32,774
Give me one reason why I shouldn't...
unplug right now.
981
01:02:36,083 --> 01:02:37,952
Look, we need you.
982
01:02:38,052 --> 01:02:39,892
I need you.
983
01:02:39,992 --> 01:02:41,251
Why?
984
01:02:41,351 --> 01:02:44,211
To bounce off, you know, ideas and stuff.
985
01:02:44,311 --> 01:02:47,593
You don't need me.
I'm not sure you ever did.
986
01:02:48,791 --> 01:02:51,353
I don't exist.
What's the point of me?
987
01:02:52,453 --> 01:02:53,930
Rimmer, we're the posse.
988
01:02:54,030 --> 01:02:56,530
We're the boys from the Dwarf.
We're like the Four Musketeers.
989
01:02:56,630 --> 01:02:59,551
D'Artagnan, Porthos, Athos...
990
01:03:00,509 --> 01:03:02,009
and the other one.
991
01:03:02,109 --> 01:03:04,409
Rimmer, you're the other one.
992
01:03:04,509 --> 01:03:06,049
I'm the "other one"?
993
01:03:06,149 --> 01:03:07,968
You do all the stuff
that the other one does.
994
01:03:08,068 --> 01:03:10,208
- And what's that, then?
- "Other one" stuff.
995
01:03:10,308 --> 01:03:12,569
"Other one" stuff?
What's "other one" stuff?
996
01:03:12,669 --> 01:03:16,190
All the stuff that the others haven't done
that the other one does.
997
01:03:17,588 --> 01:03:18,870
I'm pointless.
998
01:03:19,948 --> 01:03:21,190
No, you're not.
999
01:03:23,707 --> 01:03:26,927
You know, I'll tell you the point of you.
1000
01:03:27,027 --> 01:03:30,006
A moon cannot make light, right?
1001
01:03:30,106 --> 01:03:32,308
And yet there's such a thing as moonlight.
1002
01:03:33,466 --> 01:03:36,085
It's light reflected off a moon from a sun.
1003
01:03:36,185 --> 01:03:39,046
Yeah, but the sun can't make moonlight
without the moon.
1004
01:03:39,146 --> 01:03:41,686
And the moon can't make moonlight
without the sun.
1005
01:03:41,786 --> 01:03:44,085
So who's making the moonlight?
1006
01:03:44,185 --> 01:03:45,645
They both are.
1007
01:03:45,745 --> 01:03:52,283
Which means that, even though a moon cannot make light,
moonlight exists.
1008
01:03:52,383 --> 01:03:54,202
Like you.
1009
01:03:54,302 --> 01:03:55,504
Smeghead.
1010
01:04:29,221 --> 01:04:32,599
Time to wake up, sirs.
The sandstorm has blown over.
1011
01:04:32,699 --> 01:04:34,199
It's morning, sirs.
1012
01:04:36,538 --> 01:04:42,036
Okay, a new day, a new dawn.
Let's crack on, see if we can find this teleporter, yeah?
1013
01:04:42,136 --> 01:04:44,516
That doesn't appear to be possible sir.
1014
01:04:44,616 --> 01:04:48,316
- What d'you mean?
- Well, the sandstorm has buried us alive.
1015
01:04:48,416 --> 01:04:51,675
Are you sure?
Has anyone been outside to check?
1016
01:04:51,775 --> 01:04:54,276
If we could get outside to check,
we wouldn't be buried alive.
1017
01:04:54,376 --> 01:04:56,475
We'd just be parked in a large hole.
1018
01:04:56,575 --> 01:04:59,275
How buried are we, Krytes?
If it's only a couple of feet,
1019
01:04:59,375 --> 01:05:02,315
maybe we could force open
the emergency escape hatch in the roof.
1020
01:05:02,415 --> 01:05:04,954
Well, permission to go on a recce, sir?
1021
01:05:05,054 --> 01:05:07,135
And how are you planning on doing that?
1022
01:05:44,928 --> 01:05:46,549
Well?
What did you discover?
1023
01:05:46,649 --> 01:05:48,610
We're in the desert, sir, no question.
1024
01:05:49,849 --> 01:05:53,109
We know that, botched-Botox-injection-head.
1025
01:05:53,209 --> 01:05:54,708
What else?
1026
01:05:54,808 --> 01:05:58,068
Well, there's no sign
of the Iron Star debris, sirs,
1027
01:05:58,168 --> 01:06:01,068
which means it's over the horizon
at least three miles away.
1028
01:06:01,168 --> 01:06:02,427
How far down are we?
1029
01:06:02,527 --> 01:06:06,867
We're buried alive!
I'm about as down as it's possible to be!
1030
01:06:06,967 --> 01:06:09,426
About seven foot below ground level, sir,
1031
01:06:09,526 --> 01:06:12,989
meaning the weight of sand
makes it impossible for us to dislodge it.
1032
01:06:14,087 --> 01:06:16,266
Sorry to disturb you.
We were just wondering
1033
01:06:16,366 --> 01:06:19,145
when you were gonna
perform your next miracle.
1034
01:06:19,245 --> 01:06:22,984
It's just... some of us are a bit tired,
but I don't wanna miss it.
1035
01:06:23,084 --> 01:06:27,062
Go back to sleep, Sol.
No miracles are planned for the next little while.
1036
01:06:27,162 --> 01:06:30,062
Okay.
I can't wait to see the next one.
1037
01:06:30,162 --> 01:06:32,043
See you later, Holy Poppadom.
1038
01:06:33,961 --> 01:06:37,222
How can they think I'm their god?
I mean, look at the state of me.
1039
01:06:37,322 --> 01:06:38,661
How could this have happened?
1040
01:06:38,761 --> 01:06:41,541
Well, it happened
because of a random act of kindness
1041
01:06:41,641 --> 01:06:44,461
when you refused to
allow your pet cat to be put down,
1042
01:06:44,561 --> 01:06:49,420
an act that not only saved your own life,
but created a new species.
1043
01:06:49,520 --> 01:06:51,140
Who wouldn't have done that, though?
1044
01:06:51,240 --> 01:06:53,979
- Me.
- And me.
1045
01:06:54,079 --> 01:06:58,099
And, as at the time
I was programmed to obey all orders, me.
1046
01:06:58,199 --> 01:07:01,819
But then everything gets twisted,
and three million years later,
1047
01:07:01,919 --> 01:07:04,459
people are having
religious wars in your name.
1048
01:07:04,559 --> 01:07:07,480
Don't blame yourself, sir.
That happens to gods a lot.
1049
01:07:08,998 --> 01:07:12,418
What a total mess.
We'd have been better off staying on Red Dwarf
1050
01:07:12,518 --> 01:07:14,178
and taking our chances with Holly.
1051
01:07:14,278 --> 01:07:15,577
What?
We wouldn't even be here
1052
01:07:15,677 --> 01:07:18,097
if it wasn't for his crazy damn spare disc.
1053
01:07:18,197 --> 01:07:19,737
Wait a minute.
1054
01:07:19,837 --> 01:07:22,896
Kryten, stand here,
and stick your antenna through the drill hole.
1055
01:07:22,996 --> 01:07:25,896
You wanna listen to Hammond Organ FM
at a time like this?
1056
01:07:26,496 --> 01:07:27,938
Just do it.
1057
01:07:31,876 --> 01:07:34,935
Now, see if you can contact Red Dwarf
and get Holly on the screen.
1058
01:07:35,235 --> 01:07:37,796
One second, sir.
Logging on.
1059
01:07:45,193 --> 01:07:46,795
On screen now, sir.
1060
01:07:49,023 --> 01:07:51,572
Holly, can you read me?
Over.
1061
01:07:51,672 --> 01:07:54,173
Yes, I can, Hologram Rimmer.
Over.
1062
01:07:54,273 --> 01:07:55,773
Now, listen carefully, Holly.
1063
01:07:55,873 --> 01:08:00,372
Transfer original Holly's
last saved backup file into your CPU.
1064
01:08:00,472 --> 01:08:02,892
And why would I want do that,
Hologram Rimmer?
1065
01:08:02,992 --> 01:08:05,730
Because you'll inherit
everything the old Holly acquired
1066
01:08:05,830 --> 01:08:08,690
over the three million years
he was alone in deep space.
1067
01:08:08,790 --> 01:08:11,592
I'll become as brilliant as he must've been.
1068
01:08:17,869 --> 01:08:19,712
An intellectual colossus.
1069
01:08:21,069 --> 01:08:22,609
Exactly.
1070
01:08:22,709 --> 01:08:24,431
I accept your suggestion.
1071
01:08:25,589 --> 01:08:27,249
But if he does that,
1072
01:08:27,349 --> 01:08:30,398
won't he wind up crazier
than a dog that just got bathed?
1073
01:08:31,798 --> 01:08:35,589
If he's back to his original self,
he'll know who we are and help us.
1074
01:08:43,346 --> 01:08:44,935
Downloading backup files.
1075
01:08:50,566 --> 01:08:51,888
What's going on?
1076
01:08:58,925 --> 01:09:00,605
I feel a bit funny.
1077
01:09:02,363 --> 01:09:03,685
What's happening?
1078
01:09:07,083 --> 01:09:08,412
What's happening, dudes?
1079
01:09:11,112 --> 01:09:13,423
We're stranded on this moon in Starbug, Hol.
1080
01:09:13,523 --> 01:09:17,102
No water, no food, no supplies.
Is there any way to get out?
1081
01:09:17,202 --> 01:09:19,524
Have you considered opening the door?
1082
01:09:21,282 --> 01:09:23,461
We're buried alive under a sandstorm, Holly.
1083
01:09:23,561 --> 01:09:24,701
Gotcha.
1084
01:09:24,801 --> 01:09:29,180
Let me run some deep analysis
probability-based event scenarios.
1085
01:09:29,280 --> 01:09:31,260
I'll be back when I've done it.
1086
01:09:31,360 --> 01:09:33,460
Right, I've done it.
1087
01:09:33,560 --> 01:09:35,220
So soon?
That's amazing.
1088
01:09:35,320 --> 01:09:38,139
I'm not pretending this is gonna be easy,
1089
01:09:38,239 --> 01:09:40,700
and I have to
get the calculations just right.
1090
01:09:40,800 --> 01:09:42,020
Okay, what's the plan?
1091
01:09:42,120 --> 01:09:45,739
I take one of Red Dwarf's
thermonuclear mining torpedoes
1092
01:09:45,839 --> 01:09:47,721
and I blow up the moon.
1093
01:09:49,519 --> 01:09:52,817
And you'll be thrown clear in the blast.
1094
01:09:52,917 --> 01:09:54,297
Is that safe?
1095
01:09:54,397 --> 01:09:56,439
I'm miles away.
I'll be fine.
1096
01:10:00,836 --> 01:10:03,175
No.
Is it safe for us?
1097
01:10:03,275 --> 01:10:06,877
Well, I'm no expert,
but I wouldn't have thought so, no.
1098
01:10:09,156 --> 01:10:12,016
Look, Holly,
I know we're in a tight spot here,
1099
01:10:12,116 --> 01:10:14,055
but I don't want you to do anything crazy.
1100
01:10:14,155 --> 01:10:15,935
It's a bit late saying that now.
1101
01:10:16,035 --> 01:10:17,255
What d'you mean?
1102
01:10:17,355 --> 01:10:19,917
Well, I've already fired off the torpedo.
1103
01:10:21,594 --> 01:10:24,414
Impact in less than sixty seconds.
1104
01:10:24,514 --> 01:10:26,534
Are you sure that was wise, Holly?
1105
01:10:26,634 --> 01:10:28,973
I've done all the computation analysis.
1106
01:10:29,073 --> 01:10:33,454
Taken in to consideration exact point of impact,
the depth of explosion,
1107
01:10:33,554 --> 01:10:37,893
the weight of the ship,
texture of the desert, the moon's gravity.
1108
01:10:37,993 --> 01:10:40,893
And I think I've got everything
absolutely spot on.
1109
01:10:40,993 --> 01:10:42,433
Oh, no, I missed.
1110
01:10:46,471 --> 01:10:48,033
You missed the moon?
1111
01:10:50,310 --> 01:10:53,930
Maybe my calculations
weren't as spot on as I thought.
1112
01:10:54,030 --> 01:10:56,371
How's that happened?
1113
01:10:56,471 --> 01:10:59,250
I think it's to do
with the nine times table.
1114
01:10:59,350 --> 01:11:01,730
It's...
It's never been my favourite, that one.
1115
01:11:01,830 --> 01:11:03,889
God help us all.
1116
01:11:03,989 --> 01:11:07,568
There, that should fix it.
I'll have another go.
1117
01:11:07,668 --> 01:11:08,768
Here we go.
1118
01:11:08,868 --> 01:11:10,688
How do you know this'll be any better?
1119
01:11:10,788 --> 01:11:13,127
Well,
this one's definitely gonna hit the moon,
1120
01:11:13,227 --> 01:11:16,726
so at least it won't be
as embarrassing as the last one.
1121
01:11:16,826 --> 01:11:18,725
Yeah, but will it be better for us?
1122
01:11:18,825 --> 01:11:21,726
Depends on whether you get blown up or not.
1123
01:11:21,826 --> 01:11:24,366
And if you do, how you take it.
1124
01:11:24,466 --> 01:11:27,285
A lot of people get quite shirty.
1125
01:11:27,385 --> 01:11:28,907
Here it comes.
1126
01:11:49,683 --> 01:11:53,865
The best miracle yet, Holy Poppadom.
What a truly wondrous day.
1127
01:11:59,022 --> 01:12:00,962
Just thought I'd check in.
1128
01:12:01,062 --> 01:12:02,823
Did anyone survive?
1129
01:12:04,341 --> 01:12:05,641
We all did, Holl.
1130
01:12:05,741 --> 01:12:07,103
No way!
1131
01:12:10,900 --> 01:12:13,521
- How did you survive?
- You saved us.
1132
01:12:13,621 --> 01:12:15,383
That actually worked, then?
1133
01:12:16,780 --> 01:12:18,582
That's a miracle, that is.
1134
01:12:19,620 --> 01:12:21,800
Anything else I can help you with today?
1135
01:12:21,900 --> 01:12:23,998
Yeah, get us back to Red Dwarf,
will you, Holl?
1136
01:12:24,098 --> 01:12:25,460
I'll come and get you.
1137
01:12:32,576 --> 01:12:35,596
- Hey!
- Yeah!
1138
01:12:35,696 --> 01:12:39,306
Come my, followers,
let our hearts sing on this joyous day.
1139
01:12:39,406 --> 01:12:42,316
- Yeah!
- ? Lister... David Lister. ?
1140
01:12:42,416 --> 01:12:45,536
? Lister... Listy...
Lister... Listy... ?
1141
01:12:45,636 --> 01:12:46,992
? David Lister... ?
1142
01:12:47,092 --> 01:12:50,797
Suggest you plug into me, sir,
until we can get you powered up again.
1143
01:12:57,514 --> 01:13:00,017
Let's get Red Dwarf the hell out of here.
1144
01:13:06,532 --> 01:13:07,543
Holly!
1145
01:13:07,643 --> 01:13:09,663
Why didn't you tell us
the ferals were onboard?
1146
01:13:09,763 --> 01:13:11,214
Were they holding you hostage?
1147
01:13:11,314 --> 01:13:13,834
No.
I just forgot.
1148
01:13:14,614 --> 01:13:16,632
You cannot defeat us, Rodon.
1149
01:13:16,732 --> 01:13:20,272
Our Holy Poppadom
will always repel our enemies.
1150
01:13:20,372 --> 01:13:22,471
At least that's what the scriptures say.
1151
01:13:22,571 --> 01:13:24,172
Maybe I missed the small print.
1152
01:13:27,250 --> 01:13:31,052
Let's test these scriptures now, shall we...
Sister?
1153
01:13:32,890 --> 01:13:35,550
Tell me where the real Anubis Stone is.
1154
01:13:35,650 --> 01:13:37,429
Or watch her die.
1155
01:13:37,529 --> 01:13:38,829
We don't know where it is.
1156
01:13:38,929 --> 01:13:41,628
You're Cloister.
You know everything.
1157
01:13:41,728 --> 01:13:44,148
I'm not.
I'm not Cloister.
1158
01:13:44,248 --> 01:13:47,987
I mean, you guys think I'm your god
because I once saved a cat from being put down.
1159
01:13:48,087 --> 01:13:51,067
And its kittens
eventually evolved into you guys.
1160
01:13:51,167 --> 01:13:54,147
Cloister's just
a mushed-up version of Lister
1161
01:13:54,247 --> 01:13:58,866
in the same way everything I did got mushed up
and wound up as sacred writing.
1162
01:13:58,966 --> 01:14:03,426
Well, if you're not Cloister,
then who the hell are you?
1163
01:14:03,526 --> 01:14:06,886
I'm a chicken-soup
vending-machine repairman.
1164
01:14:08,044 --> 01:14:12,704
You're...
You're in charge of repairing soup machines?
1165
01:14:12,804 --> 01:14:15,543
I wasn't actually in charge.
I was...
1166
01:14:15,643 --> 01:14:17,103
Second in charge.
1167
01:14:17,203 --> 01:14:20,024
Technically, Rimmer was in charge.
1168
01:14:20,124 --> 01:14:21,863
So what did you do, then?
1169
01:14:21,963 --> 01:14:24,384
He pushed the trolley.
1170
01:14:24,484 --> 01:14:27,144
And recommended
what pipe cleaner he should use.
1171
01:14:27,244 --> 01:14:28,783
Like a golfer has a caddy.
1172
01:14:28,883 --> 01:14:31,525
I was like the caddy
for the chicken-soup repairman.
1173
01:14:32,725 --> 01:14:35,542
So Rimmer would be like...
"Pass me a 14B,"
1174
01:14:35,642 --> 01:14:37,382
and I'd be like, "Hold on, Rimmer,
1175
01:14:37,482 --> 01:14:40,622
the air con's on cold and we're getting
a breeze coming in from the lifts.
1176
01:14:40,722 --> 01:14:43,861
That clogged-up nozzle could be iced up.
Forget the 14B, mate.
1177
01:14:43,961 --> 01:14:46,462
I think you'll need a 14D."
1178
01:14:46,562 --> 01:14:49,661
But the miracles...
The shipquake swallowing up the feral guards,
1179
01:14:49,761 --> 01:14:51,261
the debris landing in the desert,
1180
01:14:51,361 --> 01:14:54,500
being trapped underground in the sandstorm
and then being thrown clear?
1181
01:14:54,600 --> 01:14:57,098
Just flukes, or coincidence,
1182
01:14:57,198 --> 01:14:59,538
or good fortune, or...
1183
01:14:59,638 --> 01:15:01,098
science.
1184
01:15:01,198 --> 01:15:03,788
So you're not the god of our people?
1185
01:15:03,888 --> 01:15:05,027
No.
1186
01:15:05,127 --> 01:15:08,497
- And they're not your disciples?
- Hell, no!
1187
01:15:08,597 --> 01:15:11,897
- You're just a ship of fools.
- Yes!
1188
01:15:11,997 --> 01:15:15,977
No...
No, you're not a ship of fools.
1189
01:15:16,077 --> 01:15:18,297
The only fools here are us.
1190
01:15:18,397 --> 01:15:22,496
No. But... what about me?
You gave me the gift of speech.
1191
01:15:22,596 --> 01:15:24,936
I think with you it's just psychosomatic.
1192
01:15:25,036 --> 01:15:27,095
You believed in me, so you could speak.
1193
01:15:27,195 --> 01:15:28,735
Now I don't.
1194
01:15:28,835 --> 01:15:30,416
So I c...
c... c...
1195
01:15:36,695 --> 01:15:38,955
I've wasted my entire life.
1196
01:15:39,055 --> 01:15:41,194
Chasing a false prophet.
1197
01:15:41,294 --> 01:15:43,016
And a stone made of beetle dung.
1198
01:15:49,532 --> 01:15:52,614
- Our time here is done.
- What of your brother?
1199
01:15:56,331 --> 01:15:58,391
What, the little pink furry shag bandit
is my brother?
1200
01:15:58,491 --> 01:16:00,872
We have checked the records.
It is truly him.
1201
01:16:00,972 --> 01:16:02,813
My brother was younger than me.
1202
01:16:04,011 --> 01:16:07,110
I've had a hard life!
I ain't no king like you.
1203
01:16:07,210 --> 01:16:09,789
One time I nearly had to work!
1204
01:16:09,889 --> 01:16:11,829
The worry...
It ages you!
1205
01:16:11,929 --> 01:16:14,949
Why did you leave him behind?
1206
01:16:15,049 --> 01:16:16,709
We left all the uncool ones behind.
1207
01:16:16,809 --> 01:16:19,028
He was once uncool?
1208
01:16:19,128 --> 01:16:22,428
Crazy teeth, mad hair.
There was no place for him.
1209
01:16:22,528 --> 01:16:24,068
So we left him.
1210
01:16:24,168 --> 01:16:27,828
And on the day you left,
I vowed I'd never be called uncool again.
1211
01:16:27,928 --> 01:16:30,108
And I've been cool ever since.
1212
01:16:30,208 --> 01:16:33,507
Well, except the one time
we landed on Backwards World and I needed...
1213
01:16:33,607 --> 01:16:35,187
It's a long story.
1214
01:16:35,287 --> 01:16:38,187
Well, how do you feel now, brother?
You wanna return to our people?
1215
01:16:38,287 --> 01:16:39,527
You wanna come home?
1216
01:16:41,765 --> 01:16:43,705
I am home.
1217
01:16:43,805 --> 01:16:46,704
This is my home right here.
1218
01:16:46,804 --> 01:16:50,646
Blow the Red Dwarf...
and everything on it... to hell and back.
1219
01:16:51,724 --> 01:16:54,984
He couldn't have told me that
before I made my choice?!
1220
01:16:55,084 --> 01:16:59,464
My Feral King, leaving an enemy
to be killed later by a deadly device
1221
01:16:59,564 --> 01:17:01,863
often leads to an ingenious escape.
1222
01:17:01,963 --> 01:17:03,983
However, if we kill them now...
1223
01:17:04,083 --> 01:17:05,823
Do you see where I'm coming from with this?
1224
01:17:05,923 --> 01:17:07,865
The clowder must witness their death.
1225
01:17:09,242 --> 01:17:12,822
Only then
will they realise there is no Cloister.
1226
01:17:13,122 --> 01:17:15,082
And no hope...
1227
01:17:15,682 --> 01:17:17,685
for ever finding a promised land.
1228
01:17:19,602 --> 01:17:20,783
My King.
1229
01:17:54,116 --> 01:17:56,963
Guys...
I think we're in trouble.
1230
01:17:59,593 --> 01:18:02,413
Tell me that's not your battery about to go,
Kryten.
1231
01:18:02,513 --> 01:18:06,172
Sir, I have been stand-in science officer
for many years.
1232
01:18:06,272 --> 01:18:09,012
I'd hardly endanger your lives
by not having enough charge
1233
01:18:09,112 --> 01:18:11,433
to see us safely through any possible...
1234
01:18:14,751 --> 01:18:17,450
Thank you, Science Officer.
1235
01:18:17,550 --> 01:18:19,810
It means you've only
got a couple of minutes left yourself.
1236
01:18:19,910 --> 01:18:22,050
Detonation...
One minute and fifty seconds and counting.
1237
01:18:22,150 --> 01:18:23,410
Are you...
Are you sure
1238
01:18:23,510 --> 01:18:25,968
you don't have one last miracle up your sleeve,
Holy Poppadom?
1239
01:18:26,068 --> 01:18:29,190
Like even a sciencey one
would be acceptable now.
1240
01:18:31,228 --> 01:18:34,349
That's my battery.
It's gonna die too.
1241
01:18:36,186 --> 01:18:38,207
Detonation...
One minute, thirty seconds and counting.
1242
01:18:38,307 --> 01:18:42,829
There's a moon here, Listy,
that wouldn't mind some sunlight.
1243
01:18:44,587 --> 01:18:46,966
Detonation...
You've probably got the idea by now.
1244
01:18:47,066 --> 01:18:48,468
And counting.
1245
01:18:50,226 --> 01:18:51,966
Anubis?
Who's he?
1246
01:18:52,066 --> 01:18:55,245
A creature with the head of a cat
who embalmed the dead.
1247
01:18:55,345 --> 01:18:57,165
Why would you embalm something?
1248
01:18:57,265 --> 01:18:59,045
To preserve something.
1249
01:18:59,145 --> 01:19:02,266
Something inside
that you thought was precious.
1250
01:19:09,464 --> 01:19:12,266
Detonation...
I've lost count... and counting.
1251
01:19:23,861 --> 01:19:26,843
Detonation...
A bit less than the last time... and counting.
1252
01:19:45,019 --> 01:19:47,381
The bomb...
Go and get it, Mighty.
1253
01:20:01,777 --> 01:20:05,219
Detonation...
Ten seconds and counting.
1254
01:20:12,776 --> 01:20:16,057
Four, three, two, one.
1255
01:20:21,175 --> 01:20:24,417
He's gone.
He's really gone.
1256
01:20:25,895 --> 01:20:28,616
The asshole sacrificed his life to save us.
1257
01:20:31,134 --> 01:20:33,096
I can't believe he's gone.
1258
01:20:34,374 --> 01:20:38,872
Okay, I didn't like him,
but I liked not liking him.
1259
01:20:38,972 --> 01:20:41,072
Who am I gonna not like now?
1260
01:20:41,172 --> 01:20:42,734
He's left such a hole!
1261
01:20:46,372 --> 01:20:51,071
- Rimmer!
- We thought you were dead!
1262
01:20:51,171 --> 01:20:53,711
I'm already dead, and proud of it.
1263
01:20:53,811 --> 01:20:57,311
A smeghead by day, a superhero by night.
1264
01:20:57,411 --> 01:21:00,279
Come on, let's grab a new bug,
hit the ferals before they hit us.
1265
01:21:00,379 --> 01:21:03,788
- I've got a plan.
- What about Kryten?
1266
01:21:03,888 --> 01:21:06,149
We'll grab him and charge him up on the way.
1267
01:21:30,145 --> 01:21:31,768
Incoming fire!
1268
01:21:34,285 --> 01:21:39,066
Well, isn't this interesting?
Battle to the death.
1269
01:21:39,166 --> 01:21:42,025
You with an out-of-commission
transport ship,
1270
01:21:42,125 --> 01:21:45,865
and me with a battle cruiser
put together using the finest technology
1271
01:21:45,965 --> 01:21:49,365
salvaged from derelicts
the length and breadth of space.
1272
01:21:51,653 --> 01:21:53,685
Accelerate!
Mark six.
1273
01:21:56,882 --> 01:21:58,582
Why are you flying toward us?
1274
01:21:58,682 --> 01:22:00,062
Are we playing a game of chicken?
1275
01:22:00,162 --> 01:22:02,783
- Hold our course.
- Four clicks and counting!
1276
01:22:02,883 --> 01:22:05,662
If we collide together,
my ship will rip yours apart.
1277
01:22:05,762 --> 01:22:08,462
Yeah, but before that happens,
your goons will rip you apart.
1278
01:22:08,562 --> 01:22:10,004
It's all yours, Mighty.
1279
01:22:14,960 --> 01:22:16,762
Fire everything we have!
1280
01:22:20,159 --> 01:22:22,681
What's the goddamn delay?
I said fire everything!
1281
01:22:23,999 --> 01:22:25,520
What?
1282
01:22:27,839 --> 01:22:30,059
What are you doing?
1283
01:22:30,159 --> 01:22:31,961
What's the matter with you?
1284
01:22:33,038 --> 01:22:34,240
No!
1285
01:22:46,795 --> 01:22:49,735
Holly, plot out a course for the cat fleet,
will ya?
1286
01:22:49,835 --> 01:22:51,335
Will do, Dave.
1287
01:22:51,435 --> 01:22:53,376
I think some people need taking home.
1288
01:22:53,476 --> 01:22:54,895
Bless you, Lister.
1289
01:22:54,995 --> 01:22:56,375
It's a pleasure, my son.
1290
01:22:56,475 --> 01:22:59,037
Okay, guys,
give me a hand booting up Kryten, yeah?
1291
01:23:11,633 --> 01:23:13,773
The power-up's not working.
Why is it not working?
1292
01:23:13,873 --> 01:23:16,172
You have to keep mechanoids powered up.
1293
01:23:16,272 --> 01:23:18,453
If the battery gets fully drained,
that's it.
1294
01:23:18,553 --> 01:23:20,853
But surely Kryten would've known that,
Holly.
1295
01:23:20,953 --> 01:23:22,613
Perhaps he needed a service.
1296
01:23:22,713 --> 01:23:24,252
- He did need a service.
- He did need a service.
1297
01:23:24,352 --> 01:23:26,492
So what the hell do we do now?
1298
01:23:26,592 --> 01:23:30,591
There's nothing we can do.
His battery can no longer retain a charge.
1299
01:23:37,549 --> 01:23:41,448
The Anubis Stone?
You can't use that on him. I need it.
1300
01:23:41,548 --> 01:23:43,809
It's the only way for me
to remain diamond light.
1301
01:23:43,909 --> 01:23:46,928
If I don't recharge,
I'll lose all my superpowers.
1302
01:23:47,028 --> 01:23:50,928
Mighty, we're gonna have to.
1303
01:23:51,028 --> 01:23:55,847
All great superheroes always put
the needs of other people before themselves.
1304
01:23:55,947 --> 01:23:57,789
Not all superheroes.
1305
01:23:59,587 --> 01:24:04,348
What about the Fickle Four,
who save only those wearing designer clothes?
1306
01:24:06,186 --> 01:24:08,445
Or Dr Dodgy, who saves people
1307
01:24:08,545 --> 01:24:12,148
but first asks them to step behind a curtain
and remove their underwear?
1308
01:24:17,265 --> 01:24:19,645
I knew this was too good to last.
1309
01:24:19,745 --> 01:24:21,684
What do I do?
1310
01:24:21,784 --> 01:24:25,626
Okay,
just put it inside him and boot him up.
1311
01:24:58,259 --> 01:24:59,640
What happened?
1312
01:24:59,740 --> 01:25:03,040
Long story short...
I sacrificed myself and saved the day
1313
01:25:03,140 --> 01:25:06,399
while you were lying here without any charge
doing absolutely nothing.
1314
01:25:06,499 --> 01:25:09,061
How do you feel about that, Mr Smart Alec?
1315
01:25:10,499 --> 01:25:14,157
That's Alec, by the way,
rhyming with phallic.
1316
01:25:14,257 --> 01:25:16,517
A-L-E-C.
1317
01:25:16,617 --> 01:25:19,436
In actual fact, it's Aleck with a K, sir.
1318
01:25:19,536 --> 01:25:21,977
- After Aleck Hoag.
- Yes, yes, yes, whatever.
1319
01:25:37,744 --> 01:25:40,304
Brothers and sisters!
1320
01:25:40,404 --> 01:25:43,583
- Hey, so where will you go now?
- Go?
1321
01:25:43,683 --> 01:25:46,624
Now that you know Fuchal,
the promised land, does not exist?
1322
01:25:46,724 --> 01:25:49,743
The promised land is not a planet, brother.
1323
01:25:49,843 --> 01:25:51,226
It's a place in your heart.
1324
01:25:52,204 --> 01:25:55,983
It's a way of thinking.
The promised land is right here.
1325
01:25:56,083 --> 01:25:57,622
And as the scriptures predicted...
1326
01:25:57,722 --> 01:26:00,462
We've been brought here
by the god of our people.
1327
01:26:00,562 --> 01:26:01,622
Thank you.
1328
01:26:01,722 --> 01:26:03,580
Thanks, guys.
1329
01:26:03,680 --> 01:26:05,722
For introducing him to us.
1330
01:26:10,105 --> 01:26:12,499
? Rimmer...
Arnold Rimmer. ?
1331
01:26:12,599 --> 01:26:15,377
? Rimmer... Rimmy...
Rimmer... Rimmy... ?
1332
01:26:15,477 --> 01:26:17,149
Oh, my God, I can speak again!
1333
01:26:17,249 --> 01:26:19,597
? Rimmer... Rimmy...
Rimmer... Rimmy... ?
1334
01:26:19,697 --> 01:26:21,277
I'm a god!
1335
01:26:21,377 --> 01:26:24,149
This is gonna look so good on the old CV.
1336
01:26:24,249 --> 01:26:26,018
? Rimmer...
Arnold Rimmer. ?
1337
01:26:26,118 --> 01:26:28,778
? Rimmer... Rimmy...
Rimmer... Rimmy... ?
1338
01:26:28,878 --> 01:26:30,080
? Rimmer... ?
1339
01:26:39,881 --> 01:26:44,881
1340
01:26:44,931 --> 01:26:49,481
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