All language subtitles for Lucky Numbers (2000).1OF2.EN

[Rock]

[Woman] One, two.
One, two, three, four!

I�ve been out ofthe woods
forsix days and nights now

And I�m a little hard-wired
but I�m feeling allright now

l got some money in my pocket
and l won�t need a ride, yeah

Got a big-jettedcar
and a baby by my side, yeah

Well, I�m a little hard-wired
but I�m feeling okay

And I got a IittIe Iost
out aIong the way

But I�mjust aroundthe corner
to the Iight ofday

Yeah

I�mjust aroundthe corner
to the Iight ofday, yeah

I�m drivin�500miIes
got 500 togo, yeah

I�vegot rock �n�roIImusic
on my radio

Look, Debbie!

- Oh, my God, hi!
- How are you?

- We watch your show all the time.
- Good to see you.

Thankyou. Thankyou.
All right. You have a good day.

- [ All Screaming ]
- Bye!

[Man] Theysaythe onIy Iuck
is the Iuckyou make.

In the winterof�88,
I was the Iuckiest man aIive.

Ihadit aII-- fame, fortune
andmyownparking space...

at Harrisburg�s trendiest bistro.

I wouIdhave done anything
to keep it aII.

And, unfortunateIy, Idid.

-Jack, how are ya?
- Good morning, Mr. Richards.

- Did you get a haircut?
- Oh, yes.

Looks good. Don�t get too
good-looking. I�ll be out ofa job.

[ Chuckles ] Oh, how about
this winter weather, eh?

Farmer�sAImanac
sure didn�t get it right this year.

''Caterpillar inJune,
cold winter soon,�� they said.

Amateurs,Jack. Hillbilly folklore,
that�s all it is.

You should write your own almanac,
Mr. Richards.

Something people could believe in.

Maybe one day I will,Jack.
Maybe one day I will.

- Enjoy your breakfast.
- Good morning.

- Wendy, how are you?
-Just fine.

- Yeah. How�s the cold?
- Oh, it�sjust allergies, I think.

Really?
Oh, not allergic to me, are you?

No. [ Laughs ]
I don�t think so.

- You�reso bad.
- Guilty as charged.

I�ll be right back
with your cantaloupe and egg whites.

- Okay. You pick me a ripe one.
- Excuse me, Mr. Richards.

- Sorry, but can I get a picture?
-Well, sure.

It�s my son�s birthday,
and he saw you walk in.

- What�s your name, skipper?
- Sam.

Sam. Well, you�re a big fella,
Samarino.

How old are you today?
Twenty-seven?

[ Chuckles ]
I�m five.

Five? Well, how�s the wife?

AIIright. Happybirthday.

- Thanks for coming by. All right.
- Thankyou.

- Oh, you gotta love it.
- Wow.

You�re Russ Richards, aren�t you?

Last time I checked. Well, hello!

Hi. Here.

Let meguess.
Mmm. It�sa resume ofsomesort,

andyou�re Iooking forajob
in broadcasting.

Yeah, just read it. Asshole.

You are Mr. Luckytoday.

I found you the ripest melon
in Harrisburg.

- Christmasdon�t be Iate
- Fuck!

[ Announcer ] Live from Harrisburg
and News Center Six.

Covering Harrisburg, York,
Lancaster and Lebanon,

it�s Newsat Five with
Dan Shuff, Heidi Zimmer...

and Russ Richards with the weather.

This is Newsat Five.

[ Man ] Good evening.
A teacher is behind bars tonight...

for allegedly locking
an unruly student in a broom closet.

That story coming up.

But first, let�s check in
with the weather center...

to see ifthese beautiful
temperatures will continue.

- Russ?
- Yes, it�s the middle of December,

and we still have more
60-degree weather heading our way.

Now don�t panic, folks.
You�re not in the twilight zone.

[ Humming Theme
from TwiIightZone ]

Now, on the downside,
ifthe weather gets any nicer,

my Aunt Mildred could move back
from Fort Lauderdale.

Just kidding. A wonderful woman.

Anyhoo, I�ll be back with
a complete forecast a little later.

Take it, Dan.

Thanks, Russ.
We�ll check in with you later.

[Man]Andnowthe fourth.

[Woman]EIeven.

[Man]
Andthe fifth number, pIease.

- Hi, Russ.
- [Woman] Thirty.

Hey, Dottie. How are you?

- Still struggling with the diet.
- Oh, yeah?

Don�t get too thin.
It�s not good foryou.

Eight.

[ Man ] And there you have it.

Tonight�s
Pennsylvania Lottery number: 1 9, 47,

3, 1 1 , 30, 8.

Ifyou have it, come and get it.

- If not, better luck next time.
- Back to you, Dan.

- We gonna talk about this?
- Nothing to taIkabout, Cochise.

I told you no more loans.
Penn Fed�s down the street.

This is not--

Not a loan. An advance. Stop acting
like it�s coming out ofyour pocket.

Ifyou didn�t piss your money away,
you wouldn�t need an advance.

Now, what is it this week--
racquetbaIIcourts?PeeweegoIf?

Snowmobiles. You know it.
I told you that.

Jesus Christ.
It�s exhausting with you.

Snowmobiles. How�s business?

When this heat wave ends,
I�m golden.

- You�re the weatherman. End it.
- [Groans]

- Where the heIIishe?
- CrystaI!

How many times do I have to
tell those guys about the cables?

I almost broke my fucking neck
on live television!

Yeah.

Oh, sorry. I didn�t realize you were
in the middle ofa meeting.

No, it�s okay.
It�s okay. Calm down.

- Calm down.
- You know--

- Come with me.
- Ihave to Ieave, ofcourse.

ItaIkedto them about this thing.
It�snevergonna happen again.

All right?Just relax.
It�s not gonna happen again.

- Hi, boss.
- Hello. How you doing, Bobby?

I can�t do the Olive Garden tonight.

- [ Scoffs ]
- My wife invited a few people over.

- I�ve gotta eat at home.
- That�sjust great, Dick.

No, you know what?
I am tired ofthis bullshit.

Hey, hey, hey.
Easy. Come on.

Remember, we got
that affiliates thing coming up.

- Uh-huh.
- Six days in Hawaii.

- Mm-hmm.
- Eating like pigs.

Christ, you got some body on you.

[ Giggles ]
Tell me something I don�t know.

Do we have anything eIse?
Ithink we�re through here.

Unless you want to torture me
about the fucking weather chopper.

Like that was a bad idea.
Weather chopper?

Come on, I�m a weatherman.
You know what the truth is?

I feel bad foryou, Dick. I do.

One day you�re gonna wake up,
and you�re gonna realize...

you had a diamond in your hand,
and you let it slip away.

To where, Atlantic City?

- Oh, that�s what this is about.
- To be a biggameshowhost.

That�s right. I hear everything.

I�m like a satellite in outer space.
Did you get your audition?

- My agent is all over it.
- Right. [ Chuckles ]

[Russ]Mace Kornberg, pIease.

Yes, this is Russ Richards. Mm-hmm.

You know, this is getting
a little ridiculous.

I�ve already left,
like, five messages.

AIIright, yourboss, Mace Kornberg,
sawme on TV, okay?

He Iovedme, okay?
He wants to represent me.

We-- We sat at
mypersonaIbooth at Denny�s...

for over an hour,
and I told him all about myself.

And now for some reason,
he�s not returning my phone calls.

Well, what part ofthat
was too long?

Just tell him Russ Richards called,
okay? Thankyou.

[ Sighs ]

What�s happening?
Still not there?

Nah, but, the whole agency
is out for the week.

- A retreat or something.
- What�s a retreat?

Oh, I�m not sure,
but I think it�s a religious thing.

- Hey, Igotgreat news foryou.
- Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Remember my brother�s car,
the one that was in a wreck?

For the sake ofexpediency,
I am going to say yes.

Well, he�s finally ready to sell it.

It�s all pounded out, repainted,
and ready to go.

Beautiful lime-green finish.
Looksjust like a popsicle.

Now, Larry, is there some reason
that I should know this?

Just ifyou decide theJag
is too much ofan extravagance.

I�m not selling theJag.

I�d sell my body parts
to South America before that.

Okay. You�re the boss.

Yeah, I am the boss.
Here�s another news flash foryou.

I�m not losing the house either.

You know what you laymen
fail to realize?

It�s not about the snowmobiles.
Come on.

It�s about the weather, okay?

One cold front,
a little moist air, and bam!

I�m Rockefeller. I�m on Broadway.
I�m doing the cha-cha-cha.

Yeah!

[ Moaning ]
Oh, God!

Oh, whip me forever!
Oh! Oh! Oh!

[ Both Moaning ]

[ Russ Sighs ]

Boy, whew!
That is always such a treat.

Oh, with Dick,
it�s like having sex with a sloth.

Don�t put that image in my head.

Here. Try thisjust one time.

- No.
- Yeah, it�ll help you relax.

I don�t even want a contact high.
It makes me nauseous.

You shouldn�t even be smoking it.
You�re the lotto girl.

You practically work for the state.
Put it out.

Okay, I�m putting it out.

- I have a question to askyou.
- Yeah?

Ifyou had an agent, and you tried
to get him for two weeks,

eight times, and he didn�t return
your call, what would you think?

- Um--
- Huh?

I can�t relate. I�ve never had
a guy not call me back.

Oh! I just don�t get it.

When I met-- I met this guy,
he was-- he was gushing.

He wanted to do this for me,
he wanted to do that.

I�ve had my ass kissed,
but this was really special.

So he is officially your agent?
It�s not like you had one meeting.

It�s splitting hairs here, you know.

I mean, it was clear
he wanted to sign me.

You know what he said to me?

He said that I delivered the weather
forecast with a Shakespearean flair.

[ Chuckles ]
Was he drunk?

No, he wasn�t drunk.
What�s wrong with you?

Look. Ifthe guy�s not returning
your calls, then fire his ass.

Just hire someone else.
What�s the biggie?

- Do you know who Mace Kornberg is?
- Uh-uh.

Do you have any idea
ofthe pedigree ofthis man?

Here�s a little primer foryou.

He only handled Gene Rayburn
at the height ofThe Match Game.

Wow. All right,
so he is kind ofa big shot.

Yeah, congratulations.
You just won the Cutlass.

I wouldn�t be caught dead driving
a Cutlass. I�ll trade it in.

Well, how about door number two?

Old reliable.

[ Giggles ]
Wait.

You�re in a very small,
select group of guys.

What is it
that makes you successful...

and all the others knocking
on the doors not so successful?

Well, I�m not so sure. You know,
as I travel around the country,

I see on television guys that would
make good game show hosts.

But I don�t tell them.

No. The analogy is a game show host
is the icing on the cake,

but the format is the cake.

- Yeah, format is the cake.
- To me, Dick CIark,

for all the things he does,
is an outstanding game show host.

Hestays out ofthe way.
He Iets the format work.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,
it�s your host, Russ Richards!

And now, ladies and gentlemen,
it�s your host, Russ Richards!

[TVContinues, Indistinct]

So, Russ, itsounds Iike we can keep
thosescarvesandmittens...

in mothballs a while longer then.

That�s what it sounds like, Dan.

And the sleds and snowmobiles
can stay in the garage.

That is correct, Heidi.
I think we all get the point.

[Dan] Thanks, Russ.
We�IIcheckin withyou Iater.

- [ Answering Machine Beeps ]
- Hello. You have one message.

[ Beep ]

[ Man ] Uh, yes.
This message is for Rob Richards.

This is Sandy from
the Gabler-Kornberg Agency.

I�m sorry no one got back to you,
but we were away on a retreat.

- Apology accepted, Sandy.
- I wanted to let you know...

that Mr. Kornberg is dead.

He passed away
around eight months ago.

I�m sure had he not,
he would�ve returned your call.

- Oh, jeez!
- He went quickly.

- Yeah. Yep.
- Bye-bye.

- [ Beep ]
- That was your last message.

[ Sighs ]
Yep, that was my last message.

[Rock]

Russ, let me get this straight.
You don�t drink.

You don�t do coke.
You�re not a pussy hound.

Well, what the fuck
did you blow your money on?

Itjust--Itjust went, okay?

Does it matter? What was that?

That�s Carla, the Human Cannon.

- Oh, she�s good.
- She�s Dutch.

- Russ, we go way back.
- Right.

And I like you. I do. I�m a fan.
But 25 grand.

I don�t think I can lay my hands
on that kind of money.

- Oh.
- Especially now.

I�m going through
a very messy divorce.

- I�m sure you understand.
- Sure.

I do now.

Okay. Take care, Gig.
Thanks a lot. Take care.

Hypothetically speaking, it�s not
like you�re without options.

What do you mean?

Well, you do have options.

What are they?
Come. Speak up. Hello?

Take your glasses off.

- [ Hums ]
- Well, what is that?

Russ, I assume you have insurance
on your dealership.

Yeah, so?

Don�t you think now would be
the appropriate time to, you know,

make a few claims on, you know,
some ofthose premiums?

Oh, God. Oh, jeez!

Are you talking about arson?

The last thing you want to
get involved with, mate, is arson.

Well, that�s right.
Yes, ofcourse not.

The way to beat an insurance company
these days is with a phony robbery.

Oh, God.
[ Scoffs ]

You are veering in that direction.
That makes me very uncomfortable.

First of-- Look. If I weren�t, okay,
the president ofthe Rotary,

the vice president
ofthe Sunshiny Day Club...

and I�m a Big Brother, Gig.

Russ, it�s your money.

[ Sighs ]

The insurance company
is earning interest off it.

The whole ''man ofthe people,��
nice guy thing,

it�s quaint, but don�t you think
it�s time to put a cap on it, hmm?

[ Exhales ]

Well, how would it work?

You know, like, you know,
hypothetically speaking.

How would, you know,
how would it go down?

- Well, it�s nothing.
- No?

If I were to put it
in medical terms...

where you would equate brain surgery
with a bank robbery,

this would be like a visit
to the podiatrist.

- Hmm.
- And itjust so happens...

I have an acquaintance named Dale
who is a specialist in this area.

It�s a very simple procedure, Russ.

The whole thing would take...
40 minutes.

Forty? Wow.

Fortyminutes, tops.

DaIe arrivesatyourdeaIership on
aprearrangednight with his crew.

[Man]It�sso easy
to bIowupyourprobIems

- [ Continues ]
- Findshis way inside.

Leaves the teIItaIe signs
ofa break-in...

andgains entrance.

Then it�sjust a simpIe matter
ofgetting thesIeds out the back.

Imean, the actuaIextraction
process is the easiest bit.

And, uh, that�s that.

AIIthat�s Ieft isbetween
You andyourinsurance company.

Endofstory. Easyaspie.

I, ofcourse, would command
the standard 20% consultation fee.

- I figured that.
- You know, it�s up toyou, Russ.

I mean, only ifyou�re ready
for something like this.

That visit to the podiatrist.

Well, it�s like removing a bunion
or something.

An ingrown toenail,
at the very most.

Funny. Okay. Okay.
Well, make the call then.

Good choice.

I wasin the rightpIace, but
it must�ve been the wrong time

I wassaying the right things
but Imust�ve usedthe wrong Iine

- I was on the right trip
- All right.

Let�s do this cocksucker.

- [Continues]
- All right. Let�s do it.

I�ve been runnin �
tryin�toget hung up in mymind

This is so cool. You can just
come in here anytime you want.

Yeah, I got the keys, don�t I?

All right. This one�s
for Charlie Hustle, okay?

The pricks wanna keep him
out of Cooperstown?

I wasin the wrongpIace, but
it must�ve been the right time

- Home run.
- I wasin the rightpIace

It�shappening right thissecond.
Senda squadcarnow!

I wasin the right worId,
but itseemedIike a wrong, wrong

- [Sirens WaiIing]
- Come on. Move it!

Let mejust askyou one question,
YourHonor. Where�s mybat?

Don�t worry about your bat, asshole.

[Phone Ringing]

[Ring]

- Yeah?
- I�m gonna breakyour fuckin� face.

- What?
- You better have a bag of money...

the fuckin� second they set bail,
or I�m telling them who hired me.

I also want an extra ten grand
for my pain and suffering.

- Are we clear, weatherman?
- No, we�re not clear.

We�re the furthest thing from clear.

I don�t even know who you are.

Look. A second ago I was asleep.

And two seconds ago, I was
in a blueberry field with my mother,

and we were getting along
really well.

Save that foryour psychiatrist.
I want my ten grand.

Stop it! Stop saying that!

- I don�t have ten grand.
- Oh, no?

You�d better sell something
or kill someone. I don�t care!

You just get me my fucking money!

- What--
- [ Dial Tone ]

[ Sighs ]

Okay, Russ.
It�s gonna be a better day.

- [Woman]RussRichards! Hi!
- How are you?

Merry Christmas.

Okay. Mmm.

- Scoop-a-doop, Russ, love.
- What are you doing here?

- Problem.
- What?

Dale the Thug�s getting a bit pissy
about his ten grand.

Dale the Thug? Dale the Thug?

That�s his nickname?
When did that happen?

Oh, that�s childhood issues.
Trust me, you don�t wanna know.

He was fine for a day or two,
but now he�s had time to stew, see?

Good morning.
What can I get you?

- Can I have coffee? With milk.
- Okay.

- Do you have those apple pastries?
- Wendy.

- The pastries with cinnamon swirls.
- Wendy, he�s not staying.

- He�s Ieaving, okay?
- Okay.

Okay. All right.
Thanks for asking.

[GiggIing]

I cannot be seen with you.
I am a public figure.

Russ, you don�t return my calls.
I�m doing you the favor.

Ifthere�s a Dale the Thug issue,
time tends to be ofthe essence.

I�m tapped out. The money I got for
theJag barely covered his bail.

I am not having this conversation
here with you.

Th-There�s an omelette named
after me, for God�s sake!

- What�s in it?
- You leave that alone!Just go!

- Really? Really.
- I�ll follow you. Yes!

Hmm. Well, I�ll--

Um, Russ, I�IIjust be outside then?

- Oh, God!
- Right?

- Let�s go.
- On top ofeverything else,

they�ve impounded his baseball bat
as evidence.

He bought it at an auction.
Pete Rose hit with it or some shit.

He shouldn�t have used it then.
Christ, even a plumber knows...

to take his ring off
before he snakes the drain.

- You screwed up, he got pinched.
- I did not screw up!

I can�t control the sexual appetite
of my employee.

I mean, either way,
you�re gonna have to pay for it.

Why don�t you just do this?
Take--Just get it over with.

Why don�t you just set up an
appointment at his convenience...

to come break my legs
or kick me in the nuts or whatever?

You know what? I very much doubt
it�ll be the latter.

That�s practically
how he treats his friends.

You know, Russ, I�ve been
thinkingaboutyoursituation,

andit occurs to me
thatsometimes in Iife...

the greatest opportunities
are sitting right underyour nose.

Only thing under my nose is this mat
with presidents up to Carter.

- Am I missing something?
- The lottery.

Oh, that is so stupid!

You think my playing the lottery
is going to solve all my problems?

Not playing the lottery,
winning the lottery.

You got that lotto ball machine
down at the station, right?

A little razzle-dazzle,
you�re set for life.

Gig, I just came off
a botched phony robbery.

Let me bask in that a while before
I start thinking about tampering...

with the fucking state lottery!

I�m not talking out of my ass here.

- I do have experience with this.
- Really.

Yeah. About ten years ago,

before I washed up
on these golden shores,

- I rigged a bingo game at church.
- Church, huh?

Weighed down a few ping-pong balls,
Bob�s your uncle!

I walked away
with a fucking lawn mower.

- Oh, a lawn mower. Wow.
- This is not WarandPeace,

merely the concept of gravity.

No, no, the concept of gravity...

is when you fall down
and you breakyour head open.

Well, your glass
is obviously halfempty.

No, Gig, my glass is totally empty.

- Watch it!
- Hateyou!

- Calm down!
- Bastard!

Calm down.
You�re acting like a child.

- Stop! Calm down, please.
- You promised!

- What do you want me to do?
- What�s going on?

Everything�s fine. Thankyou.

She wanted to go. What do
you want me to say? ''I�m sorry.

I�m banging the lotto ball girl,
and I promised her first.��

I don�t believe I bought sandals
in December for no reason!

I�ll take you next time. InJune,
I have a conference in Seattle.

Take your wife to fucking Seattle,
all right?

I wanted to go to Maui, you asshole!

Oh, I�m an asshole.
Am I the same asshole...

that takes you out to dinner and
buys you fancy European underwear?

Try to get that
from the weatherman,

who I notice you�ve been
awfully chatty with these days.

Blow me.

- Is everything okay?
- Yes, everything�s fine!

[Man]I�m dreamin�ofa white

Christmas

Just Iike the ones

Iusedto know

Where the treetopsgIisten

AndchiIdren Iisten

To hearsIeigh beIIs in thesnow

Oh, I�m

Dreamin�ofa white

- [Fades]
- I have to askyou something.

- What?
- Oh, God. Oh, God.

I don�t know how to askyou this.
[ Exhales ]

-Just ask.
- I wouldn�t blame you for saying no.

As a matter offact,
I already expect you to say no.

But I need your help
on something.

Aah! We�regonna be miIIionaires!
Ican�t beIieve this!

I have to admit, I thought
it would be a slightly harder sell.

All right, most important thing...

is getting alone
with that machine...

five minutes before and
five minutes after the broadcast.

- That�s key.
- That�saskeyasitgets.

Five minutes before, five after.
Did you hear that, Crystal?

I�m two inches away.
How could I not hear it?

Start taking notes, �cause when
Gig and I start hashing it out,

there�s gonna be gold flying around,
and I don�t want to miss any of it.

- The first piece of gold is this.
- Yeah.

I think someone should call in
a bomb scare.

Then the buiIdinggets evacuated,
andI�m aIone with the Iotto baIIs.

Okay? Are you writing this down?

- When we decide, I�ll write it.
- It�s good, right?

Russ, um, forgive me.Just a second.

You call in a bomb scare,
they evacuate the building,

and shut down the broadcast.

Right, then the firemen wiIIcome...

and then the policemen will come,
so kind ofa lame idea, you know?

All right.Jeez. It�sjust an idea.

It�s a work in progress,
for God�s sake.

Even a painter�s got to
take the brushes and clean �em.

- Whatever that means.
- Any better ideas, Smarty-pants?

Why can�t I distract Bobby somehow,
the security guy?

And then you switch the balls.

- No, uh, lame. That�s lame. What?
- No, that�sbriIIiant.

- Yeah?
- It�sso simpIe, it�sbriIIiant.

In its simplicity, Russ.
Simplicity. That�s--

- And movin� on.
- Okay, movin� on.

Movin� on, I guess.

- Next most important thing, right?
- Uh-huh.

We need to find your beard?

What the hell�s a ''beard��?

You need someone to buy the ticket
and claim the winnings.

But it has to be someone
that you absolutely trust.

- One beard. Check.
- Time out, folks!

There�s not a person
I would trust to do this thing.

Not a single person.

Ah! Oh, God!
Oh, God. Okay. All right.

I buy the ticket in disguise.

Okay? And this eliminates
all the outsiders.

That�s the answer. That�s it. Okay?

Yeah, yeah.
Now we�re cooking with gas, huh?

I mean,
how would you disguise yourself?

What, as CharIie ChapIin?
As The Tramp orsomething?

[Laughing] Yeah, orno, Iike,
from The Wizard of Oz.

- The straw guy.
- The straw man.

Yeah, he could put hay
in his clothes and wear a hat.

- With a pom-pom on it?
- No one will know it�s him.

- Ooh, it�s clever.
- Nobody would everknow!

- No! Russ.
- It�s Scarecrow from WizardofOz.

- Oh, okay.
- It�s Dorothy, the Cowardly Lion,

it�s the Tin Man, it�s the dog,
it�s the flying monkeys...

and it�s the Scarecrow.

Ifyou�re gonna make fun of me,
get your facts straight.

WeII, my apoIogies, sir. Iam not
the cartoon aficionada thatyou are.

- It�s not a cartoon, Crystal.
- So what?

- It�s a movie.
- Who gives a shit?

- Children-- Excuse me.
- [Arguing]

- It�s a movie! For God�s sake.
- Calm down. Calm down.

- Calm-- Calm down.
- Sorry.

- Please?
- All right. Back to square one.

[ Chuckles ]
Let�s go.

Hey, I know.
My cousin Walter could do it.

- Who?
- From Ohio.

He would be the perfect beard.
He�s this totally straight guy.

He doesn �t even drink,
andbesides, he hasa crush on me.

The minute
You waIkedin thejoint

IcouIdseeyou were
a man ofdistinction

A reaIbig spender

- Good-Iookin �, so refined
- Oh. Walter.

Say wouIdn �tyou Iike to know
what�sgoin�on in mymind

- I got you balloons. We should go.
- Thankyou.

So Iet meget right to thepoint

I got you a room
at a lovely country inn.

Idon�tpop mycork
foreveryguyIsee

Hey, big spender

Spenda IittIe time with me

- Oh. It�s so green and lush.
- [Russ] Oh!Lookat this room!

- [Russ] Oh, this issogreat.

- Look at this TV, a closet.
- God, Iookat thepainting.

And this clock with a little light.
It�s so-- It�s so modern-day.

- [CrystaI] Oh, showercurtain.
- Oh, WaIter, Iookat this.

All-you-can-eat buffet.
Oh. Right up the block!

- [ Wheezing, Coughing ]
- And towels all prepared foryou.

- How comfy. What do you think?
- Yeah, what do you think?

- [ Gasps ] Mold spores.
- What?

This room has a high content
of mold spores.

- My throat�s closin� up.
- Oh, jeez.

- [ Gasping, Wheezing ]
- Oh.

[ Wheezing Continues ]

- Are you all right, Walter?
- [ Wheezing ]

Mm. Tsk.

[ Exhaling, Gurgling ]

[ Wheezing ]

Oh, jeez.

- All clear.
- Thank God for modern medicine.

- Yeah.
- Hey, Walter, test the bed.

It�s a combination ofthe heat
and moisture. That�s what does it.

Yeah. Is it always this sticky
in Harrisburg in the winter?

Well, you know, it�s--
it�s a fluke, ofcourse,

but it�s not entirely uncommon, no.

- Uh-uh.
- W-Why�s that?

Well, okay, well, historically,
weather has been unpredictable.

- Yeah, well, w-why�s that?
- Why?

- [ Sniffling ]
- WeII-- WeII, okay, yougot...

Your, uh--yougotyourcoIdfronts
andyougot...

your warm fronts, and then
you�re talkin� barometric pressure.

- Well, without my gauges, I-I--
- I love hotels.

Walter? Walter? Hey! Walter.

- Yeah?
- Are you clear on what we�re doin�?

How long will it be
be-before I get my money?

- Oh, well--
- Oh. Yeah, no.

Um, it�s real simple, honey.

When we get our first payment,
you take your 20,000 right away.

- That�s yours.
- Right. Tax-free.

- We want you to be happy.
- Oh.

Well, I could--
I could really use the money,

�cause m-m-my church
needs a new furnace.

- Oh, well, that is so refreshing.
- Yeah.

And I�m gonna use the rest
to open an adult bookstore.

Ah. Okay. Well, that�s good.
That�s good too. Yeah.

Do you masturbate, Russ?

Jeez. I�ve been so busy lately,
I barely polish my shoes.

- �Cause I masturbate all the time.
- Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Some people think it�s a sin,

but God gave us the ability to
masturbate to protect us from sin.

Oh. Oh, okay.
Yeah. I could-- I could see that.

- Sure. Why not?
- I like sex.

- There�s a lot ofsex in the Bible.
- Mm-hmm.

- I�m sure there�sa BibIe here.
- Yeah.

- Yeah, sure.
- S-So, we--

- We�re a team, right?
- Yeah, yeah, a team!

- Yeah?
- Team. [ Chuckling ]

- [ Chuckling ]
- Ooh.

Yeah? Yeah?

- Oh, I�vegot one. Let mepick.
- No, no, no, no, no!

- Please, let me finish. Okay, 1 6.
- I wanna pick one.

Sixteen, okay? That�s how old I was
when I first got laid.

- Really?
- Yeah. Okay.

Twenty-five. Okay, twenty-five.
My mother�s birthday.

-January 25, 1 91 2. All right.
- No, no. This--

No, the 25th
was my anniversary,

and I got divorced,
and I got screwed in that.

I didn�t get a good settlement.
Seventy.

I had a �70 Camaro and got in that
accident and got a huge settlement.

- Oh, yeah. Famous whiplash. Okay.
- Remember? That�s right.

Um, I got some randomly
selected numbers, okay?

[WaIter]
These are, Iike, compIeteIy random.

- Okay?
- Flick it. Make sure air gets--

Twenty-two, seventy.

Puncture. Then you inject
a little paint into the ball.

- You know, weigh �em down.
- Sixteen.

Then weput a IittIe gIue
overthe hoIe.

- Nine.
- [Russ]Isn �t this fun?

- Twenty-seven.
- [Russ]It�s Iikesummercamp.

It�s Iike artsandcrafts.

- Seven.
- [ Russ ] The six we don�t inject.

- Those aregonna rise to the top.
- It�s my birthday.

Get it? Okay.
Those are the winningnumbers.

[Russ]
This is the concept ofgravity.

Sweet, simple concept of gravity.

- Here we go. Go.
- Ready?

Yeah! Whoo!
[ Gasps ] Oh, my God!

- That�s brilliant. Brilliant!
- All right. Go.

Andshe wasn �tgonna
sit aroundand wait

Thisguy was wise
to aIIofthe Iies

Andhe flies out the door

Easymoney

WiIIthese warm temperatures
continue? This isRussRichards.

Catch me tonight in
the WeatherCenterandfindout.

Right here on ChanneI6, WTPA.

Okay. Ready.
[ Groans ]

- [CarHorn BIaring]
- Hold on a second. You hear that?

I have been watching
your show--

[Horn BIaring]

- [Woman On TV, Indistinct]
- [Man On TV]But enough about me.

I don�t know why. But I�m fine.
I just don�t know--

- Make way. Give her space.
- Bobby! Oh, Bobby!

- Thank God. Yeah.
- Crystal, you all right?

- I don�t know what happened.
- Come on. Give her space.

- And I just had the car checked.
- Oh, that�s crazy.

- Yeah.
- Lucky you didn�t hit your head.

- Well, who knows? Maybe I did.
- Maybe you should see a lawyer.

- Yeah, that�s a good idea.
- I know a lawyer.

Do you? That�s great, Bobby.
Thanks.

Let me know
ifyou want his name!

[LotteryAnnouncer]
Tonight�sjackpot is$6.4miIIion!

Ourmachine contains80baIIs,
and we�IIdraw6from the machine.

Drawing tonight wiIIbe ChanneI6�s
IotterygirI, CrystaILatroy.

Now, let�s start the machine,
please.

Now, CrystaI, drawthe first number.

Seventy!

Andthesecond.

Twenty-two!

And the third.

Seven!

And now the fourth.

Sixteen!

And the fifth number, please.

Nine!

- [LotteryAnnouncer] Thesixth!
- Twenty-seven.

Twenty-seven!

[ Lottery Announcer ]
And there you have it.

Tonight�s
Pennsylvania Lottery numbers: 70,

22, 7, 1 6,

9, 27.

Ifyou have it, come andget it.

- Good girl.
- Ifnot, betterIucknext time.

Back to you, Dan!

[Announcer] That about wrapsit up
forthis edition ofNewsat Five.

Enjoythe rest ofyourevening.
We�IIseeyou here tomorrownight.

You can see aIIthe PennsyIvania
Lotterydrawings right here...

on WTPA, ChanneI6.

Oh! My head!
[ Groans ]

Crystal! I got you.

- I got you. Come on, come on.
- Oh! Thanks, Bobby. Good.

- No, let�s-- Please, this way.
- No, this way�s better.

- No. This way!
- All right.

- Oh, I�m not making any sense.
- Okay. Nice and easy.

- I-I don�t-- Oh!
- Nice-- I got you. I got you.

- You feelin� better now?
- Ugh.

I don�t know. Yeah.

Uh-huh. Thanks. I really do.

[ Gasps ]
Oh. Oh!

Shit! Shit! Oh.

God! Stop it!

Stay in! Come on!

Get in! Damn it.

Stay in, little mothers. Oh, shit.

Okay, okay, okay.

Okay.
[ Sighs ]

- Hey!
- [ Screams ] Bobby, you scared me.

Are you sure you should be drivin�?

Why don�t you let me
give you a ride home?

No, I�m fine. I�m fine now.

Yeah. I had a Three Musketeers.

Okay, then. Get some sleep.

- All right. Thanks, sweetie.
- You don�t want me to driveyou?

No!

Thankyou, though. You�re sweet.

Good afternoon, Lawrence.

Hey, Russ.

- I�ve been thinking about you.
- Big news.

No, I have.
First ofall, this is foryou.

Token of my appreciation
for how hard you�ve been working.

And let me tell you something else.
People have been talking about you.

- What people?
- Let�sget anotherthingstraight.

No one is stealing you away from me,
because you are--

- What are you?
- Number one.

- That�s right.
- Wow, it�s quite an honor.

- Idon�t know what to say.
- Well, don�t say anything.

As ourJewish friends say, ''Enjoy.��

Look, Russ, remember I told you
about my cousin�s stepdad?

The one with the roadside fun park
in Colorado,

in LeadviIIe?

Well, ifyou did,
my brain immediately purged it.

Well, I gave him a call,
and I told him about our situation,

and he said he�d buy our whole
inventory in one fell swoop.

Really? Well, how much?

Okay, well, here�s where
we run into a small asterisk.

- Thirty thousand?
- Who is this guy,JesseJames?

I oughta get in a Santa Claus outfit
and give �em away.

I just thought, you know,
ifthe noose starts getting tighter.

''The noose��? Who am I talking to?

Is this Larry, the winner?
Is this Larry number one?

Am I talking to the Larry
that everybody�s talking about?

- Who�s talking about me?
- Oh, hey.

Hey, hey, good. Good idea.

- Good morning, sweetie. Hi.
- Hi.

- So, where is it?
- What?

The ticket. I�m dying to see it.

Well, I have it. Don�t worry.

I�m not worried.
May I see it, please?

Well, actually,

I might hold on to it for a while.

- What does that mean?
- WeII,

first ofall, how come
I�m only getting $20,000?

Imean,
I�m takingaIIthe risk, right?

- Walter?
- And, you know...

I�m-- I�m the one
who�s gotta cash it in.

What ifthey find out
this was rigged?

- No.
- W-W-What ifth-they--

It�s like this is a setup
or some kind of, like, an ambush.

- I could get caught.
- That�s not gonna happen.

No. Shh. Sweetie, listen.
You�re being really silly.

Okay? Now, we made a deal,
and you agreed to it.

So let�sjust move forward
as planned, okay?

No. Why-- Why can�t
we split it three ways?

- The weatherman, you, and me.
- Who the fuck are you?

- I�m doin� all the work.
- You�re lucky to get a little bit.

Well, can we-- I�m family.

Go get the fucking ticket!

Now, give me the ticket,
you jerk-off!

Get off me! You�re a whore!

- Stop it!
- Oh!

Do not fuck with me,
you sick, masturbating retard!

Go ahead and rape me.
That�s what you want!

Shut up! Where�s the ticket?

- I�m not telling you, slut!
- I want that ticket now!

- I�m telling your parents!
- Stop it!

Are you ready for the song
''Bingo Was His Name-O��?

- [ Children ] Yeah!
- All right.

There was a farmer had a dog
and Bingo was his name-o

B-i-n-g-o, B-i-n-g-o

- [WaIterGasping]
- Where is it?

My-- My-- My-- My-- My puffer.

- Your what? Stop it! What?
- Puffer! Puffer!

[ Wheezing, Coughing ]
My puffer! I can�t breathe!

- I�ll get it. God.
- Get it. Thankyou. Thankyou.

Is this what you want, your puffer?
Where�s the ticket?

[ Wheezing ]
I�m not telling you.

Fine!

[ Gasping, Wheezing ]

- F-Fucky-you.
- [ TV Turns On ]

[ Inhaler Clicking, Expelling Mist ]

- [ TV ] These days are ours
- Walt, look. HappyDays is on.

- Happy and free
- Those happy days

- These daysare ours
- Share them with me

Good-bye gray skies, Hello blue

There�s nothing can hold me
when I hold you

FeeIsso right,
it can�t be wrong

Rockin� and rollin�
all week long

The people on the bus
go yap-yap-yap

Yap-yap-yap, Yap-yap-yap

The people on the bus
go yap-yap-yap

[Man On TV]Laverne De Fazio
andShirIey Feeney!

- CasabIanca.
- [Laverne] CasabIanca.

- Shit!
- [Man] Okay.

[Screaming, YeIIing On TV]

Damn it!

Come on. Where is it?

Oh! Goddamn it!

Ugh.

[ Sighs ]
I�m gonna puke.

Oh!

Yes. Yes! Yes, yes, yes! Yes!

Hey, Walt, met your girlfriend.

Cute.

[ Voice Breaking ]
Yes, I need an ambulance right away.

My cousin had some kind
ofasthma attack.

He�s not moving. Okay.

I can�t believe it. I-I�m in shock.

I thought he had
one ofthose inhaler things.

- His puffer? I couldn�t find it.
- Yeah.

- You couldn�t find it?
- No, we couldn�t find it at first.

And then when we did find it,
it was all out ofshit-- ofjuice.

- Mist?
- Yeah, mist. It was out of mist.

- Mm. Know what his last words were?
- What?

- ''Crystal, my sweet angel.��
- Don�t, don�t.

''Go into my wallet
and take the ticket,

�cause you and Russ
deserve to have that money.��

Oh, God!

Oh, fuck me. No fried clams?

- Crystal? I know, baby.
- Hmm.

It�s insensitive to bring up
something at a time like this,

but I think
we do have a little problem.

What?

Well, with Walter gone,

we have no one
to cash in the ticket.

- God rest his soul and everything.
- I wouldn�t worry about that.

- Why?
- I�ve got plenty of relatives.

In fact, I�ll probably see
a lot ofthem at Walter�s funeral.

No. You know,
I wouldn�t bring them into this.

- I mean, they�ve suffered enough.
- [Woman] There�sRussRichards!

He�s more handsome in person!

- [ Sniffles ]
- It�s times like this you wonder.

You wonder ifthere�s
a higher being out there.

- Maybe it wasjust Walter�s time--
- All right! Key lime pie.

[Rock]

- Hello,Jerry, mate. How are you?
- Gig.

- Wanna hear a cute story?
- I would love to hear a cute story.

You know I got a grandson,
six years old.

- That�s a great age.
- Yeah. [ Chuckles ]

He says to me the other day,
he says,

''Pop-Pop, when I grow up,

I wanna be a bookie and run
a numbers racketjust like you.��

Ohhh.

I know. I melted.

Andthen he asksme,
hesays, ''Pop-Pop,

when people play the numbers,

what number do they try to win?��

So I explain to him.

I say, ''Sweetie,
every week we bookies,

we get the number from someplace
customers know we can�t control.��

- And he says, ''Like SesameStreet?��
- Lovely that, isn�t it?

It�s amazing what these kids
come up with, isn�t it?

It�s amazing. And I say,
''No, no, no, no, not SesameStreet.

We get the number from
the lottery drawing on television,

the last three digits
ofthe real lotto,

because everyone knows
no one can rig the state lottery,

which means no one
can rig a bookie�s number.��

- That�s right.
- And he looks at me.

You know, big long look with
these big brown eyes, and he says,

''And I bet no one can win either!��
[ Chuckles ]

He�s a genius. Kid�s a genius.

After all, h-how often
do I have to pay out?

- Once, twice, three times a year.
- If.

If. So, moving right along.

Next day, guess what.
I had 1 2 people hit the same number.

- No shit!
- Yeah.

Which even a six-year-old kid knows,
statistically, it�s impossible.

Out ofthe realm of possibility.
Can�t happen.

- I don�t know what to tell you.
- Here�s the funny thing, though.

When I looked at
the people who picked,

a pattern started to emerge.

- Really?
- Yeah. Your ex-wife.

[ Laughing ]

Your ex-wife.
Your ex-wife�s mother.

Her mother�s sister.
Your dentist.

Your cousin Vic.

A few other stray crinkly leaves
from the family tree.

They all played variations
on the same number.

- You know,Jerry.
- Hmm.

If it wasn�t for the fact
that we are dear friends--

- We are dear friends, right?
- Dear friends.

I would suspect that you
are accusing me ofsomething.

Ofwhat?

I mean,Jesus Christ himself
can�t rig the state lottery.

Thankyou.

Unless--

UnlessJesus had a buddy
down at the TV station.