All language subtitles for Croccodile 2_Und

** [ Whistling ]

OKAY, LADIES AND GENTS,
WALKABOUT CREEK HOTEL.

LAST CHANCE FOR A COLDIE
BEFORE WE HIT THE OUTBACK.

G'DAY, ALL.
I'M YOUR HOSTESS.

YOU CAN CALL ME RUBY
OR LOVE OR ANYTHING,
BUT NEVER LATE FOR BREAKFAST.

[ Laughing ]

AND WHAT'S YOUR PLEASURE,
FOLKS ?

GIN AND TONIC, PLEASE,
AND A PIMS FOR THE LADY.

"G" AND "T" AND A PIMS.

NO, I ASKED FOR
A GIN AND TONIC
AND A PIMS.

YEAH, WELL,
THERE'S NO HARM IN ASKING.

- COUPLE OF BEERS
WILL BE JUST FINE.
- THAT'S THE TICKET, OLD MATE.

- HEY, NUGGET.
- G'DAY, SUE.

WHERE'S MICK ?
WE GOT A PANIC CALL
FROM THE RANGERS.

THEY SPOTTED A HUGE CROC
IN THE TARRABOOL SWIMMING HOLE.

ACTUALLY, WE TOSSED A COIN
TO SEE WHO'D CATCH IT,
AND MICK WON.

HE WENT AFTER IT ALONE,
DID HE ?
NO.

JACKO JACKSON'S GONNA
MEET HIM OUT THERE.

AND JACKO, AS YOU KNOW,
IS THE SECOND BEST CROCODILE MAN
IN THE TERRITORY.

- SO YOU GOT NO WORRIES, LOVE.
- MY ONLY WORRY IS I NEED MICK
TO PICK MIKEY UP AFTER
SCHOOL.

I'LL TELL MICK FOR YOU.
IF HE GETS TIED UP
WITH THAT CROC,

- I'LL PICK UP
THE YOUNG FELLA MYSELF.
- THANKS.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE
THE SECOND BEST
CROCODILE HUNTER.

OH, WELL.
OH, HE'S JUST MODEST.

HE'S ONE OF THE BEST,
YOU KNOW ?

HEY, SUE. IF ANYTHING
EVER HAPPENS TO MICK,
I'M GONNA COME COURTIN'.

WELL, LET'S JUST HOPE
NOTHING HAPPENS TO MICK.

NOW, WHERE ARE YOU,
YOU BIG UGLY BUGGER ?

THIS IS AS GOOD AS IT GETS.

COME ON.
COME TO UNCLE MICK.

BIG...

BIG...

BIG MISTAKE.

OH, SHIT.

[ Sighs ]

- G'DAY, MATE.
- G'DAY, JACKO.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING
UP THERE ?

JUST SITTIN' UP HERE,
THINKING ABOUT
A NEW CAREER, MATE.

WHERE'S YOUR BOAT ?

ON THE BOTTOM.

- HOW'D THAT HAPPEN ?
- CROC PULLED IT UNDER.

PULLED IT UNDER ?

HOW BIG WAS IT ?

THAT BIG.

NOW WHAT ?

WELL, NOW WE SCRAMBLE ASHORE
AND GO TO PLAN "B."

DON'T MOVE.

WELL, COULD BE WORSE,
MATE.

OH, YEAH ?
HOW'S THAT, MICK ?

WELL, SOMEONE COULD
SEE US UP HERE,

UP THE TREE, OUTSMARTED
BY A BLOODY CROCODILE.

[ Chattering ]
[ Groans ]

[ Chattering Continues ]

[ Woman ]
SO HELP ME GOD, IF I SEE
A SNAKE, I'M GONNA DROP DEAD.

HOW ARE THEY GONNA CATCH
A CROCODILE UP THERE
IN THE TREE ?

SO, WHICH ONE IS
THE SECOND BEST CROCODILE HUNTER
IN THE LAND ?

[ All Laughing ]
OKAY, EVERYONE, WE'RE ON
A TIGHT SCHEDULE HERE.

WE BETTER KEEP MOVING.
DON'T WANT TO DISTURB
THE HUNTERS.

BACK ON THE BUS,
PLEASE, FOLKS.

THAT'S THE WAY.

BLOODY NUGGET.
GREAT, EH, MATE ?

TWO BEST CROCODILE HUNTERS
IN THE ENTIRE
NORTHERN TERRITORY, EH ?

YEAH.

WE LOOK LIKE A COUPLE
OF REAL PELICANS,
DON'T WE, EH ?

[ Both Laughing ]

YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE
ABOUT CROCS, MATE ?
THEY GOT LEGS. COME ON.

OH, REMEMBER
THE GOOD OLD DAYS WHEN
WE JUST USED TO SHOOT 'EM ?

YEAH. YEAH, MATE,
BUT IF THERE WERE NO MORE CROCS,
THEY WOULDN'T NEED HUNTERS.

OH, THEY'D NEED HUNTERS...
TO KEEP THE WILD PIGS
IN CONTROL.

PIGS ?
OH, NOT THE SAME.

I DON'T WANT MY KID SAYING,
"THERE GOES MY DAD,
PIG DUNDEE."

DO YOU WANT TO BE KNOWN
AS PORKER JACKSON ?
WELL, NO.

NAH, WE NEED THE CROCS, MATE.
THEY MAKE US SOMEBODIES.

WITHOUT 'EM, WE'RE JUST
A COUPLE OF OLD BUSHWHACKERS
WITH BITE MARKS ON OUR LEGS.

WE'LL GET HIM TOMORROW.
SAME TIME.

HEY, I KNEW A PIG FARMER
CALLED PORKER O'BRIEN ONCE.
HAH !

YOU KNOW WHY
THEY CALLED HIM PORKER ?

I HATE IT WHEN HE DOES THAT.

GIVES ME THE CREEPS.

THANKS, MATE.
NO WORRIES.

SO, YOU GOT OUT OF THAT TREE
ALL RIGHT, EH ?

NOW, HOW COULD YOU
POSSIBLY KNOW
ABOUT THAT ALREADY ?

MY PEOPLE HAVE WAYS
OF TALKING THAT NO WHITE MAN
CAN UNDERSTAND.

ARTHUR, YOU'RE SO FULL
OF BULLSHIT.

NO, IT'S A KIND
OF MENTAL TELEPATHY, EH ?

YEAH, MENTAL, ALL RIGHT.
[ Cell Phone Ringing ]

AH, I THINK WE JUST
FOUND OUT WHICH ONE OF US
IS THE WHITE MAN.

YEAH ?

YEAH, I HEARD ABOUT THAT.

[ Laughing ]
YEAH, WELL, HE'S STANDIN'
RIGHT NEXT TO ME NOW.

OH, GREAT.
YEAH, OKAY.
YEAH, LATER.

SO, ARE YOU DOIN'
A SHOW TONIGHT ?
YEAH.

ALREADY DID THE MATINEE.
GOTTA KEEP THE TOURISTS
HAPPY, EH ?

OH, WELL, MATE, THESE DAYS
THEY'RE OUR BREAD AND BUTTER.

THAT'S SORT OF WHAT WE ARE NOW
IN THE TWENTIETH CENTURY--
TOURIST ATTRACTIONS.

AS THEY SAY,
THAT'S SHOW BUSINESS, MATE.

BY THE WAY, MICK,

IT'S THE 21st CENTURY, MATE.

OH, YEAH, I-I KNEW THAT.

SEE YOU, ART.
SEE YOU LATER.

SEE YA, TROY.
SEE YA, MIKEY.

WANNA GO FISHING ?
YEAH.

SO, WHAT DID YOU LEARN TODAY ?
OH, JUST SCHOOL STUFF.

BUT WE HAD AN EARTHQUAKE VIDEO,
AND WE LEARNED HOW THEY HAPPEN
IN CALIFORNIA, AMERICA.

DID YOU SEE ONE
WHEN YOU WERE THERE ?
NO, I WAS IN NEW YORK.

THEY DON'T HAVE
EARTHQUAKES THERE.

PEOPLE THERE
WOULDN'T STAND FOR IT.
THEY'D BE LIKE,

[ Imitating New York Accent ]
"EARTHQUAKE ?
HEY, THIS IS BROOKLYN.

GET OUTTA HERE.
FORGET ABOUT IT."

THEY'RE TOUGH.

WHOA, HOMEWORK TIME.
WHAT'S THAT ?

- IT'S GOANNA TURD.
- THAT MEANS HE'S CLOSE BY.
FIND HIM.

THERE HE IS.
YEP.

YOU HUNGRY ?
WANT HIM FOR DINNER ?
YUCK, NO WAY.

THEN YOU BETTER MISS.
DAD, I NEVER MISS.

[ Gulping ]

WHOA.

QUICK, DAD, THERE'S
A BIG RAZORBACK UP THERE.
CAN YOU DO IT ?

DO WHAT ?
YOU KNOW, THAT TRICK.
PLEASE.

ALL RIGHT, BUT IT WON'T WORK
IF YOU'RE SCARED.
HE'LL SMELL IT.

I KNOW.
I WON'T BE SCARED.
I PROMISE.

DON'T LOOK AT HIM
TILL I DO.

I REALLY WON'T BE SCARED
IF I CAN CARRY YOUR KNIFE.

[ Imitates Growling ]
COOL.

[ Laughing ]

OKAY, DAD,
I'LL TALK IT OVER
WITH MICK. UH-HUH.

NO. NO, AND IF WE DECIDE
WE NEED TO BE MARRIED,

I PROMISE YOU'LL BE
THE FIRST TO KNOW.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO SAY HELLO
TO YOUR GRANDSON ?
OKAY. HANG ON.

HEY, MIKEY.
COME SAY HI TO GRANDPA.

HI, GRANDPA.

PRETTY GOOD, YEAH.

[ Sighs ]
SO, WHAT'S NEW ?

OH, TOM ZETLAND--
HE RAN THE L.A. BUREAU
OF DAD'S PAPER--

WAS JUST KILLED
IN A CAR ACCIDENT.

- WHAT, WAS HE A MATE OF YOURS ?
- ACTUALLY, NO.

BUT THE THING IS, MICK,
DAD IS NOW PLEADING WITH ME
TO TAKE HIS PLACE...

WHILE HE LOOKS
FOR A PERMANENT REPLACEMENT.

SO, WHAT YOU'RE SAYIN' IS
YOUR DAD WANTS YOU TO GO
AND WORK FOR HIM IN LOS ANGELES.

MM.

FOR HOW LONG ?

WELL, I TOLD HIM I MIGHT
FILL IN FOR A FEW WEEKS.

WELL, TELL ME THIS,
IF WE LIVED OVER THERE
IN THE CITY,

WOULD YOU TAKE
THE JOB THEN ?
OH, SURE.

I MEAN, I WAS RAISED
BY A NEWSPAPERMAN,

AND, WELL, I DON'T KNOW,
I GUESS IT JUST GETS
IN YOUR BLOOD.

THAT SETTLES IT THEN.
TAKE THE JOB.

AT LEAST
FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR.
ME AND MIKEY'LL GO WITH YOU.

YOU'RE KIDDING ?
NO. BE GOOD FOR HIM.
HELP HIM DECIDE.

DECIDE ?

WELL, YOUR DAD OWNS
A NEWSPAPER, RIGHT ?
MM-HMM.

YOU'RE HIS ONLY CHILD.
SOMEDAY MIKEY'S GONNA
HAVE TO DECIDE.

DOES HE WANT TO BE
AN ASSISTANT
CROCODILE WRANGLER...

OR THE OWNER
OF A BIG-CITY NEWSPAPER ?

THAT'S A TOUGH ONE.
AND THE TRAVEL WILL BE
GOOD FOR HIM.

REMEMBER HOW MY TRIP
TO NEW YORK...

AND SORT OF OPENED MY EYES
TO THE WAYS OF THE WORLD ?

MADE ME A LOT MORE--
WHAT'S THE WORD ?

- SOPHISTICATED ?
- YEAH.

BY THE WAY, MICK,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
WITH THAT AWFUL TRAP ?

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO USE THAT
ON SOME POOR ANIMAL ?

NO, I'M LENDING IT TO DONK.
SOME MONGREL'S BEEN SNEAKING
INTO THE PUB AT NIGHT...

AND KNOCKING OFF HIS GROG.
[ Chuckles ]
STEALING DONK'S BEER, WELL,

I GUESS THEY DESERVE
TO BE MANGLED.
YEAH.

WELL, WHAT ABOUT YOU, MIKEY ?
WHAT DO YOU THINK ?

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO LIVE
IN CALIFORNIA FOR A WHILE ?

- THEY HAVE EARTHQUAKES
THERE, RIGHT ?
- WELL, YEAH, THEY HAVE HAD.

COOL.

I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT SAY THAT.
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE LOTS OF FUN.

ACTUALLY, YOU'RE THE ONE
I'M WORRIED ABOUT.

NO, I'M FINE.

UM, MICK, I SEEM TO REMEMBER
AFTER A FEW WEEKS IN NEW YORK
YOU DID GET PRETTY ANTSY.

YEAH, A BIT ANTSY.

MM, THAT'S WHAT I LOVE
ABOUT YOU, MICK.
YOU'RE ALWAYS SO UNSELFISH.

NO WORRIES.

* YEAH

* YEAH
DANCE, DANCE, DANCE, DANCE *

** [ Woman Vocalizing,
Indistinct ]

[ Mick ] BEVERLY HILLS, EH ?
HOME TO THE MOVIE STARS.
A LOT OF 'EM, YEP.

YOU'RE NOT IN SHOW BUSINESS,
ARE YA ?

NO I'M IN
THE TOURISM GAME MYSELF.
HEY, SO AM I.

WHEN I'M OUT DRIVING THIS.
ACTUALLY, THOUGH,
I'M A WRITER-ACTOR.

JUST, YOU KNOW,
DRIVE THE LIMO BETWEEN GIGS.
MAKE A LOT OF CONNECTIONS.

HAD TOM ARNOLD IN THE CAR
THIS MORNING.

TOM ARNOLD ?

OH, WIFE PROBABLY KNOWS
WHO HE IS. SHE'S-SHE'S
IN THE NEWSPAPER BUSINESS.

A REPORTER.
YEAH.

HERE, TAKE ONE OF THESE.
YOU NEVER KNOW.

THANKS.

THERE YOU GO.

- THAT-THAT'S NICE.
- NO, YOU CAN KEEP THAT.
I GOT PLENTY OF COPIES.

KNOCK IT OFF !

[ Sue ]
OKAY, TAX RELIEF PLAN.
STATE TAX ONLY.

NO INTEREST THERE.
TRAFFIC ACCIDENTS.

OKAY, THESE FIGURES
COMPARING L.A. TO NEW YORK
DRIVERS, THAT'S GOOD.

FOLLOW THROUGH ON THAT.
GREAT. SO OUR POLICY
HASN'T CHANGED THEN ?

HOW SO ?
WELL, IT'S LIKE
MR. ZETLAND USED TO SAY,

[ Imitating Mr. Zetland ]
"WE'RE A NEW YORK PAPER.

IF THE NEWS
AIN'T ABOUT NEW YORK,
THEN WHO GIVES A RAT'S ASS ?"

OR WORDS TO THAT EFFECT.

SO HE WASN'T TOO HAPPY
ABOUT WORKING IN L.A., HUH ?
OH, NO, NO.

TOM LOVED IT HERE.
NO, HE LOVED DOING
EXPOSE FEATURES...

AND INVESTIGATING
SCAMS AND PHONIES.

- WHAT WAS HE WORKING ON ?
- HE WAS DOING THIS FEATURE...

ON THIS NEW MINI STUDIO.

HE STARTED TO GET
REALLY EXCITED ABOUT IT.

I THINK HE SMELLED A RAT.

BUT WHAT IT WAS ABOUT,
ONLY TOM KNEW.

MAYBE YOU CAN FIND OUT
WHAT SPARKED HIS INTEREST
IN THERE. GOOD LUCK.

OH, HEY,
HOW ARE YOUR BOYS DOING ?
ARE THEY OUT EXPLORING ?

OH, YEAH.
SHOULD BE FUN TOO.
FOR BOTH OF THEM.

[ Chattering ]
[ Man ]
COME ON, PEOPLE !

THANK YOU.
OH, SPONTANEOUS APPLAUSE,
THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

ALL RIGHT, A COUPLE OF TRICKS.
BEHIND THE BACK.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT, UNDER THE LEG.

[ Juggler Chattering ]

[ Bones Cracking ]
[ Man Groaning ]

[ Juggler Continues
Chattering ]

[ Groaning Continues ]

HEY, DAD, LOOK.
THERE'S THOSE GIRLS
FROM BAYWATCH.

WHAT ?
BAYWATCH.

ON TV, YOU KNOW ?
THE GIRLS RUN FUNNY,
LIKE THIS.

AND DONK AND ALL THE MEN
IN THE PUB GO, "WHOA !"

WHAT'VE YOU BEEN DOIN'
IN THE PUB ?
WHOA ! HEY !

I AM SO SORRY.
WHEW, MUSCLE FATIGUE.
IT'S OKAY.

YOU ALL RIGHT ?
HEY, DO YOU KNOW
WHAT TIME IT IS ?

OH, IT'S ABOUT 12:30,
MAYBE 12:35.

[ Chuckles ]
OH, THAT'S CUTE,
BUT YOU'RE WEARING A WATCH.

OH, THAT'S NOT A WATCH,
IT'S A COMPASS.
OH !

YEAH, I'M NEW IN TOWN.
I COULDN'T FIND MY HOUSE
WITHOUT THIS.

REALLY ? SO WHERE'S
YOUR HOUSE FROM HERE ?

ELEVEN POINT FIVE MILES,
TWO DEGREES NORTH NORTHEAST.
CALLED, UH, BEVERLY HILLS.

BEV HILLS ?
SO, YOU HAVE A NICE HOME ?

- YEAH, WE GOT EIGHT DUNNEYS.
- YEAH, THAT'S EIGHT BATHROOMS.

OH, NICE.
THIS-THIS YOUR BOY ?
YEAH, THAT'S MIKEY.

- SO, YOU MARRIED ?
- NO, HE'S NOT MARRIED.

SO YOU GOT CUSTODY ?
YEAH.
WELL, MIKEY'S MY SON.

RIGHT.
SO YOU'RE A GOOD PARENT ?
WELL, I'D SAY.

RIGHT. OH, THIS IS TOO GOOD.
I FINALLY BUMP
INTO A CUTE COWBOY.

HE'S A LITTLE MORE
ROBERT REDFORD'S VINTAGE THAN
BRAD PITT'S, BUT THAT'S OKAY...

'CAUSE HE'S GOT A MANSION
IN BEVERLY HILLS, PLUS HE'S GOT
CUSTODY OF HIS KID.

THAT MEANS HE'D BE A GOOD DAD
TO MY CINDY AND THIS IS--
OH, THERE'S A CATCH, RIGHT ?

NOTHING THIS GOOD
EVER HAPPENS TO ME.

ARE YOU--
YOU'RE NOT AVAILABLE ?
YOU'RE-YOU'RE GAY, RIGHT ?

UM, MOST OF THE TIME,
PRETTY HAPPY, YEAH.

[ Chuckles ]
OF COURSE.

CUTE COWBOY, VENICE BEACH,
HAD TO BE GAY.

WHAT WAS I THINKING ?

BOY, SHE WAS A CHATTERBOX.
YEAH, MATE.
AMERICAN WOMAN.

SHE'S GOT A NICE ASS.
YEAH. HEY,

YOU GOTTA STOP HANGIN'
AROUND THAT PUB.

[ Sighs ]
WHO TAUGHT YOU THAT ?
NUGGET ?

FIND ANYTHING FISHY ?
YEAH.
LISTEN TO THIS.

SILVERGATE PICTURES MAKE
THEIR FIRST MOVIE, RIGHT ?
LETHAL AGENT.

IT'S A TOTAL BOMB.

SO THE VERY NEXT PICTURE
THEY MAKE IS LETHAL AGENT II...

WHICH, OF COURSE,
GOES STRAIGHT TO VIDEO
WHERE NO ONE RENTS IT.

AND GUESS WHAT THEY'RE
DOING NOW TO SAVE
THEIR REPUTATION ?

UH--
YEAH.

I DON'T KNOW.
DID TOM TALK TO THESE GUYS ?

WELL, YEAH. I MEAN, I THINK
HE SPOKE TO EVERYBODY FROM THE
PRESIDENT OF THE STUDIO DOWN.

THAT'S WHEN HE SEEMED TO GET
REALLY EXCITED ABOUT THE STORY.

ALL I CAN SEE HERE IS
A BUNCH OF REALLY DUMB
BUSINESS DECISIONS.

BUT, OF COURSE,
THAT'S NOT ILLEGAL.

WELL, YOU KNOW, THAT'S
THE RESEARCH I DID FOR HIM.

WHATEVER TOM WAS WORKING ON
IS PROBABLY IN HIS P.C.

I CAN GET THE DISK FROM
HIS HOUSE, IF YOU'RE INTERESTED.
THAT'D BE GREAT.

AND I NOTICE THEY'RE HAVING
A "MEET AND GREET" FOR PRESS
AND INDUSTRY PEOPLE.

DO YOU KNOW WHO WOULD
NORMALLY COVER THAT ?
FAY OLSON DOES ENTERTAINMENT.

OKAY. TELL HER
SHE CAN HAVE THE NIGHT OFF,
AND I'LL FILL IN.

- HEY, DAD,
WHAT SORT OF CAR IS THAT ?
- I CAN'T LOOK NOW, MATE.

THESE CALIFORNIA PEOPLE
ARE NICE AND FRIENDLY
AND POLITE...

TILL THEY GET IN THEIR CARS,
THEN THEY TURN INTO
CRAZED WOMBATS.

- QUICK, DAD, STOP,
THERE'S A DOG IN THE ROAD.
- WHERE ?

SO WHERE'S THE DOG ?
HE DUCKED IN THERE.

I'LL GET HIM.

BE CAREFUL.

ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY, STAY BACK.
DON'T WORRY, WE'LL GET HIM.

I'M ON IT.

WHAT'S THE HELL'S GOIN' ON
UP THERE ?
COME ON, BUDDY !

- THE GUY SAID THERE'S
SOMETHING ON THE ROAD.
- HE LOOKS LIKE A NUT TO ME.

- PROBABLY A BOMB OR SOMETHING.
- IT'S A WHAT ?

- HE SAYS IT'S A BOMB !
- IT'S A BOMB !
IT'S GONNA BLOW !

[ All Screaming ]

COME HERE, BOY. COME ON.

HE WON'T COME OUT.
HE'S SCARED.

THAT'S NOT A DOG.
THAT'S A--

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.
SOME KIND OF POSSUM MAYBE.

I'VE NEVER SEEN
A BLACK AND WHITE POSSUM.

I THINK IT'S A SKUNK.

HOW DO YOU KNOW
WHAT A SKUNK LOOKS LIKE ?
WE DON'T HAVE 'EM AT HOME.

IT LOOKS LIKE PEPE LePEW
IN THE CARTOONS ON TV.
[ Chuckles ]

I THOUGHT SKUNKS WERE
SUPPOSED TO STINK.

[ Sniffing ]
DON'T STINK.

COME ON, BOY.
COME ON.

[ Dispatcher Chattering ]

POSSIBLE EXPLOSIVE DEVICE
AND HOSTAGE SITUATION.

THERE WE GO.

NO WONDER HE'S SCARED.

THOSE BLOODY HELICOPTERS.

TAKE OFF !

WE HAVE A VERY TRICKY SITUATION
FOR THE POLICE HERE.

THE SUSPECT APPEARS TO BE
HOLDING A YOUNG BOY HOSTAGE.

STAY WHERE YOU ARE !

PUT THE BOMB DOWN !

WHAT ?

THAT'S NOT A BOMB.
THAT'S A CAT.

AH, SEE, JUST LIKE AT HOME.
THE POLICEMAN IS YOUR FRIEND.

THEY'RE HERE TO HELP US.

THAT'S NOT A CAT.
THAT'S A SKUNK.

- YOU CAN TAKE IT
FROM HERE, GUYS.
- UH-UH.

UH, MIKE, I WOULDN'T
MENTION THIS TO YOUR MUM.

SHE PROBABLY
WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND.
IT'S MAN STUFF.

OF COURSE, AT THAT STAGE,
EARLY THIS AFTERNOON,

WE HAD NO IDEA THAT THE BOMB
WAS, IN FACT, A SKUNK.

OFFICERS RELUCTANTLY PLACED
THE SKUNK IN A SQUAD CAR...

TO AWAIT THE ARRIVAL
OF ANIMAL CONTROL.

IN THE MEANTIME, IT BACKED UP
TRAFFIC ON THE 101...

[ Volume Increases ]
FROM CALABASAS TO PASADENA,
THE WORST TRAFFIC JAM--

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, MIKEY ?
UH, IT'S OKAY, LOVE, IT'S ME.

OH. MICK, ARE YOU SURE
YOU WANT TO COME TONIGHT ?

I MEAN, IT'S A SOCIAL THING,
BUT IT'LL BE WORK FOR ME.
I'M LOOKIN' FORWARD TO IT.

YOU KNOW,
TO SEE IF THE LOCAL PEOPLE
ARE AS FRIENDLY AS NEW YORKERS.

WELL, I HOPE YOUR SON FEELS
THE SAME WAY. HE STARTS
SCHOOL ON WEDNESDAY.

OH, NO WORRIES.
HE'S, UH, HE'S
JUST LIKE ME, REALLY.

FROM WHAT I HEAR,
HE HAS ENOUGH CHARM TO STOP
A SKUNK FROM SPRAYING HIM.

- YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW, WE WERE
ROARIN' DOWN THE FREEWAY--
- IT'S OKAY.

- HE LOOKED REALLY CUTE ON TV.
- BLOODY TELEVISION.

** [ Rap ]

NOT THIS TIME, PAL.

- [ Gasps ] MICK !
- CALL THE COPS !

LET HIM GO. HE'S THE VALET.
HE'S SUPPOSED TO PARK THE CAR.

YEAH, YEAH,
TAKE IT EASY, DUDE.

TIP HIM.
SORRY.

HONEST MISTAKE.
SORRY.

VALET ?

** [ Rap Continues ]

PICTURE, PLEASE.
SURE.

MIND IF WE GET A SHOT ?

DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.
I'LL JUST GET A DRINK,
BLEND RIGHT IN.
OKAY.

I'LL COME AND GET YOU
AFTER I'VE DONE
THE FORMALITIES.

[ Man ]
BIG SMILE
FOR THE CAMERA, PLEASE.

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S YOUR EVIAN,
AND THIS HERE'S YOUR SPARKLING
MINERAL WATER WITH A TWIST.

OH, AND A STRAIGHT
CLUB SODA.

SO, YOU HAVIN' A DRINK
OR DOIN' YOUR LAUNDRY ?

G'DAY. MICK DUNDEE.

AND YOU'RE--
TONY. WHAT CAN I GET
FOR YOU, MR. DUNDEE ?

JUST A COLD BEER'LL
BE ALL RIGHT, THANKS.

THAT'S TYPICAL
OF L.A. TODAY.
HEALTH NUTS.

WORRIED ABOUT WHAT THEY DRINK,
WORRIED ABOUT WHAT THEY EAT.

I USED TO BE LIKE THAT
TILL I FOUND THE ANSWER.

OH ? AND, UM,
WHAT'S THE ANSWER ?

COFFEE. EAT AND DRINK
WHATEVER YOU PLEASE AND THEN
FLUSH IT OUT WITH COFFEE.

SO YOU JUST DRINK
LOTS OF COFFEE.

NO. YOU DON'T DRINK IT.
I'M TALKING COLONICS.

A GOOD COFFEE ENEMA
LEAVES YOU CLEAN AS A WHISTLE.
[ Chuckles ] BOTTOMS UP.

HEY, TONY.
AN ENEMA--

ISN'T THAT WHERE THEY SHOVE
A HOSE UP THE OLD--
YEP.

- LOTS OF PEOPLE SWEAR BY 'EM.
- WITH COFFEE ?

- CREAM AND SUGAR ?
- IT'S L.A.

EXCUSE ME, MR. ROTHMAN.

I'D LOVE TO INTRODUCE YOU
TO SOMEONE.

THIS IS MS. SUE CHARLETON
FROM NEWSDAY.
HELLO.

ARNAN ROTHMAN. DELIGHTED.
DIDI TELLS ME YOU'VE REPLACED...

OUR LATE FRIEND,
TOM ZETLAND.
[ Cell Phone Ringing ]

EXCUSE ME.
THAT'S A DAMN SHAME.
HE WAS A GOOD MAN,

AND HE REALLY KNEW HIS WAY
AROUND THIS BUSINESS.

WELL, I'M AFRAID
I COME UP A BIT SHORT
IN THAT DEPARTMENT.

ACTUALLY, I WAS HOPING
MAYBE YOU COULD HELP ME OUT.

ARE YOU IN THE CAST
OF THIS FLICK ?
ME ? OH, NO, I'M SOCIALIZING.

NETWORKING. ME TOO.
HAVE YOU SEEN ANY
OF THESE MASTERPIECES ?

NO.
DON'T. UNBELIEVABLE SCHLOCK.
I KID YOU NOT.

MAKES YOU EMBARRASSED
TO BE IN THE BUSINESS.

THE ONLY THING I'VE SEEN
WORSE THAN LETHAL AGENT
WAS LETHAL AGENT II.

I READ THE SCRIPT ON THIS ONE,
AND IT'S EVEN WORSE.

I DON'T KNOW HOW THESE CLOWNS
STAY IN BUSINESS.

I SUPPOSE YOU'VE HEARD, THEN,
THEY'RE MAKING LETHAL AGENT IV.

WHAT ?

NO ONE TOLD ME.
DO YOU KNOW IF THEY'RE
CASTING YET ?

I GOTTA CALL MY AGENT.

I'M PLANNING
ON FOLLOWING THROUGH
ON TOM'S STORY...

MORE ABOUT YOUR FILM COMPANY
THAN THIS PARTICULAR FILM.

WE SHOT THE MOVIE IN GREECE.
OH !

[ Gasps ]

ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE YOU
TO MILOS DRUBNICK, OUR
INTERNATIONAL VICE PRESIDENT.

SUE CHARLETON.
I'M DELIGHTED TO MEET
AMERICAN MOVIE STAR.

I'M A BIG FAN,
ALL YOUR FILMS.

WELL, THAT'S VERY KIND OF YOU,
BUT I'M A JOURNALIST.

SUE'S FROM NEWSDAY.

- HUH.
- MILOS HANDLES ALL OUR
EASTERN EUROPEAN ACTIVITY.

I COULD NOT WORK OVER THERE
WITHOUT HIM.

YOU'LL EXCUSE ME.

WELL, I DON'T WANT TO MONOPOLIZE
ALL YOUR TIME HERE.

I WAS HOPING WE COULD CATCH UP
AT THE STUDIO.
ABSOLUTELY.

THAT'S JUST THE WAY
THEY DO IT.

YOU DON'T WANT THAT, LOVE.
GET SOME FREE FOOD IN YOU.
YOU'LL FEEL A LOT BETTER.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

HEY, YOU'RE FROM
DOWN UNDER, RIGHT ?
YEAH.

I DON'T SUPPOSE YOU KNOW
MEL GIBSON.

MEL GIBSON ? OUGHT TO.
BAILED HIM OUT OF JAIL TWICE.

YOU'RE KIDDING.
YOU REALLY DO KNOW HIM ?

OH, I COULD TELL YOU
SOME TALES ABOUT MAD MEL.
PLEASE DO.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID
WE WERE FINISHED WITH THESE
PRYING NEWSDAY PEOPLE.

SHE'S JUST FOLLOWING UP
ON THE ORIGINAL STORY.
I'LL HANDLE IT.

NO. NOW SHE WANT TO COME
SNOOPING AROUND THE STUDIO.
YOU SHOULD SAY NO.

LOOK, WE'RE THE NEW BOYS
IN TOWN, RIGHT ?

WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE BEGGING
FOR PUBLICITY.

WE START BANNING THE PRESS,
THEY'RE GONNA BE ALL OVER US.
LEAVE THIS TO ME.

SO HE TAKES HIS SHOES OFF--
OH, THANKS, TONY.
YOU'RE WELCOME.

RUNS OUTSIDE STARK NAKED.

SETS FIRE TO THE BUILDING
AND BURNS IT
TO THE BLOODY GROUND.

[ All Laughing ]

HE'S A MAD BUGGER.

EXCUSE ME.

MEL GIBSON'S BEST FRIEND.
THEY'RE PRACTICALLY BROTHERS.

I'VE SEEN THEM TOGETHER.
JUST TELLIN' 'EM A FEW TALES
ABOUT MEL GIBSON.

YOU DON'T KNOW MEL GIBSON.
YEAH, I DO.

YOU KNOW HIM TOO.
MET HIM AT DONK'S PUB.

MEL GIBSON--
TALL REDHEADED FELLOW,
WALKS WITH A LIMP.

OH, "MAL."
MALCOLM GIBSON.
NOT MEL GIBSON.

YEAH, MAL GIBSON. HOW DO THEY
KNOW ABOUT HIM OVER HERE ?
SMALL WORLD, ISN'T IT ?

HEY, MICK. MICK,
YOU GIVE ME A CALL ANYTIME.

OKAY, DUDE. HEY !
MAYBE WE'LL DO LUNCH.

OH, MICK, YOU'RE STARTING
TO SCARE ME.
I LIKE HOLLYWOOD.

GOOD AFTERNOON.
WELCOME TO BEVERLY HILLS.

THANKS.

SO, YOUR STORY
ON THE FILM COMPANY
JUST GOT RED HOT.

TOM ZETLAND'S PLACE WAS ROBBED,
AND THEY TOOK EVERYTHING.

OH, MY GOD, THAT'S TERRIBLE.
BUT HOW DOES IT MAKE
THE STORY HOT ?

WELL, TOM IS
ACCIDENTALLY KILLED.

COINCIDENTALLY HIS PLACE IS
CLEANED OUT, LEAVING NO CLUES
TO WHAT HE'S WORKING ON.

MAYBE TOM WAS ON
TO SOMETHING BIG,

AND THEY HAD TO
SHUT HIM UP.

YOU THINK THE FILM PEOPLE
HAD HIM KILLED ?

IT'S POSSIBLE.

I HAD A BAD VIBE ABOUT THIS
FROM THE START.

I THINK YOU SHOULD
BE CAREFUL
GOING OUT THERE.

WELL, I'M NOT EXACTLY GOING
INTO A MAFIA STRONGHOLD.

I'M INTERVIEWING
A STUDIO HEAD ON THE LOT.

I'M EVEN BRINGING
MY FAMILY ALONG.
THEY'RE GONNA DO THE TOUR.

WELL, ALL RIGHTY, THEN.
WELCOME, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
BOY AND GIRLS,

TO THE PARAMOUNT PICTURES TOUR.

THIS IS WHERE
THE MAGIC HAPPENS, PEOPLE.
BUT BEFORE WE ACTUALLY BEGIN,

I'M GONNA ASK YOU ALL
TO RAISE YOUR RIGHT HAND.

OKAY, COOL.
NOW WHAT YOU'RE
ABOUT TO WITNESS...

ARE SOME OF THE BIGGEST SECRETS
OF MOVIEMAKING.

SO I MUST ASK THAT ALL OF YOU
SWEAR NOT TO REVEAL ANYTHING
YOU MAY WITNESS HERE TODAY.

DO YOU SWEAR ?

UH, JUST SAY, "I DO."

[ All ]
I DO.
OKAY.

RIGHTY HO, JIM.

OH, WOW, YOU'RE IN
FOR A SPECIAL TREAT
HERE TODAY, PEOPLE,

'CAUSE JUST UP AHEAD
WE'RE ACTUALLY FILMING...

A GIANT CROWD SCENE
FOR THE LATEST SILVERGATE STUDIO
PICTURE, LETHAL AGENT III.

I TOLD YOU WE SHOULD'VE GONE
TO UNIVERSAL.

BECAUSE QUITE SIMPLY,
LOSSES ON THE FIRST
TWO MOVIES...

ARE AMORTIZED INTO THE COST
OF THE FRANCHISE.

WE'RE MAKING THIS MOVIE
FOR PRACTICALLY NOTHING.

OKAY, BUT STILL,
WOULDN'T IT BE CHEAPER
TO MAKE YOUR FILMS...

EITHER HERE
OR IN EASTERN EUROPE
INSTEAD OF BOTH PLACES ?

SURE, BUT OUR MOVIES ARE SET
IN EASTERN EUROPE.

YOU CAN'T FAKE
THE LOCATIONS HERE ?

I MEAN, THEY'RE SHOOTING
AN AFRICAN JUNGLE NEXT DOOR.

SUE, CAN YOU AND I TALK
OFF THE RECORD ?

DARLING, WILL YOU EXCUSE US
FOR A MINUTE ?
SURE.

QUITE FRANKLY, THE, UH,

THE SUCCESS OR FAILURE
OF THESE FILMS...

IS OF LITTLE IMPORTANCE
TO US.

WE'RE AFTER BIGGER FISH.

THERE ARE OVER
300 MILLION PEOPLE...

IN WHAT WAS ONCE
THE SOVIET BLOC.

PEOPLE WHO ARE STARVED
OF ENTERTAINMENT.

MOVIES SHOT
IN THEIR OWN BACKYARD,
STARRING THEIR OWN PEOPLE.

I'M TALKING ABOUT
BUILDING MAJOR STUDIOS,
CINEPLEX CHAINS,

EVEN THEME PARKS.

THE DEAL I AM TALKING ABOUT
WILL MAKE EURO DISNEY
SEEM PENNY-ANTE.

WELL, THIS IS A GREAT STORY.
A RUSSIAN HOLLYWOOD.

AND WHEN DO WE GO
ON RECORD ?

[ Sighs ]
TWO WEEKS, TOPS.

BUT FOR YOU,

24 HOURS BEFORE
THE REST OF THE WORLD.

EXCLUSIVE TO NEWSDAY.

AND IN RETURN ?

POSTPONE THE PIECE
YOU'VE ALREADY STARTED.
RIGHT NOW, WHAT IS IT ?

IT'S A-- IT'S A STORY
ABOUT A SMALL-TIME STUDIO...

AND THEIR TWO
UNSUCCESSFUL MOVIES.

[ Chuckles ]
WHO CARES ?

WHAT DO YOU SAY ?

[ Buzzing ]
WELL,

IF IT'S A NEWSDAY EXCLUSIVE,
I GUESS YOU GOT A DEAL.

CLAIRE, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE
MS. CHARLETON DOWN TO THE SET.

YOU CAN SEE
THE GLAMOROUS SIDE
OF THE BUSINESS.

I'LL BE IN TOUCH.

YOU ARE GOOD.

[ Tour Guide ]
...WHERE WE CAN TRANSFORM
AN ORDINARY MAN OR WOMAN...

INTO AN APE OR A CLOWN.

ALL RIGHTY, THEN.
NOW, BEFORE WE ENTER
THIS NEXT PORTAL,

IT IS MY DUTY TO WARN YOU
THAT SEVERAL DANGEROUS
JUNGLE CREATURES...

HAVE BEEN SIGHTED ON THE LOOSE,
SO, PLEASE, KEEP INSIDE THE TRAM
AT ALL TIMES.

I DON'T WANT TO LOSE
ANYONE... AGAIN.

DAD, DO YOU HAVE
YOUR BIG KNIFE ?
DIDN'T THINK I'D NEED IT HERE.

I MIGHT HAVE MY POCKET KNIFE.
WHAT DO YOU NEED IT FOR ?

I MEAN, IN CASE
THE JUNGLE ANIMALS ATTACK.
I THINK WE'LL BE ALL RIGHT.

OKAY, LOOK OUT, FOLKS,
IT'S A GIANT DEADLY ANACONDA !

[ Passengers Gasping ]
[ Chuckling ]

- WELL, THAT'S AWESOME, DUDE.
- SORRY, REFLEX ACTION.

OKAY. COOL.

LET'S GET OUTTA HERE.

G'DAY.

WAS THAT MORE
MAN STUFF, DAD ?
YOU GOT THAT RIGHT, MATE.

HEY, YOU TWO.
DID YOU HAVE FUN ?
YEAH, IT WAS COOL.

YEAH. SO HOW'D
YOUR INTERVIEW GO ?

CREEPY.

DID YOU EVER TALK TO SOMEONE
AND THINK EVERYTHING
THEY'RE SAYING IS A LIE ?

YEAH. NUGGET.

WELL, NUGGET'S HARMLESS.
THIS GUY--

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU SHOULD DO ?
YOUR PAPER'S GOT POLICE
CONNECTIONS, RIGHT ?

YOU GET THE COPS TO DO
A BACKGROUND CHECK ON HIM.

THAT'S THE WAY THEY DO IT
ON NYPD BLUE.

HMM.
WELL, I SEE MIKEY'S NOT
THE ONLY ONE GLUED...

TO THE TV ALL DAY LONG.

OH, YEAH, BUT WE ONLY WATCH
EDUCATIONAL PROGRAMS.
RIGHT, MATE ?

YEAH.
LIKE WRESTLING.

CAN YOU SMELL
WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKING ?

WELL, DID HE
BEHAVE TODAY ?
YEAH, HE WAS GOOD AS GOLD.

I WASN'T TALKING TO YOU.
I WAS TALKING TO MIKEY.

OH.
AND NO MORE TV.
YOU START SCHOOL TOMORROW.

G'DAY.
MICK DUNDEE.

HERE TO PICK UP
MY ANKLE BITER.
IT'S HIS FIRST DAY.

AH, BARRY KATZ.
WHAT, UH, GRADE'S HE IN ?

UH, FOURTH.
OH, SAME AS MY BOY.

MY BOY'S IN THE THIRD.
ERIC BERRY.

HI, ERIC.
WELL, YOU LOOK
LIKE AN OUTDOORSMAN.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS
WHOLE SURVIVAL CAMP IDEA ?
WHAT IS IT ?

WELL, THE SCHOOL'S PUTTIN' IT
ON THIS SUMMER. TEACH THE KIDS
HOW TO SURVIVE IN THE WOODS.

FISHING, MAKING CAMPFIRES.
DADS ARE WELCOME.

OH.
[ Eric ]
I THINK IT'S A GREAT IDEA.

GIVES THEM A CHANCE TO GET
IN TOUCH WITH NATURE.
I'M GONNA TAKE GARY ALONG.

GOOD FOR YOU. COUPLE OF WEEKS
IN THE BUSH, YOU AND YOUR BOY,
YOU'LL BOTH LOVE IT.

YOU EVER TAKE YOUR BOY INTO
THE OUTBACK WHERE YOU WERE ?
DOWN UNDER ?

ALL THE TIME.

JUST LAST MONTH,
I TOOK HIM INTO THE BUSH.

TAUGHT HIM HOW TO KILL
A WILD BOAR WITH A STICK.

KILL A BOAR ?
BUT HE'S, LIKE,
NINE YEARS OLD ?

YEAH, WELL,
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY ?
BETTER LATE THAN NEVER, EH ?

AH.
SEE YOU LATER, FELLAS.

HEY, DAD.
MS. MATHIS WANTS TO TALK TO YOU.
I'LL MEET YOU OVER THERE.

DOROTHY MATHIS, MR. CHARLETON.
OH, HOW DO YOU DO ?
ACTUALLY, IT'S MICK DUNDEE.

BUT I'M MIKEY'S DAD.
OH, MR. DUNDEE. RIGHT.

WELL, FIRST OFF,
MIKEY IS A LOVELY BOY.
BRIGHT, FRIENDLY.

THERE'S JUST ONE SMALL PROBLEM,
ONE WE RUN INTO
ALL THE TIME HERE.

WE CALL IT
THE "HOLLYWOOD SYNDROME."

LIKE WHEN A DAD PLAYS
A POLICEMAN IN A MOVIE,

THE CHILDREN OFTEN BELIEVE
HE'S ACTUALLY A POLICEMAN.

OH, RIGHT, YOU'VE GOT
A LOT OF ACTORS' KIDS HERE.

I'M NOT IN THE MOVIE BUSINESS.
I'M IN THE TOURISM BUSINESS.
NOT SO GLAMOROUS.

EXACTLY. WHICH IS WHY YOUR SON
TRIES TO MAKE IT SOUND A BIT
MORE COLORFUL THAN IT REALLY IS.

NOW, IT SEEMS HARMLESS,
BUT LITTLE FIBS CAN GROW.

WHAT'S HE BEEN SAYIN' ?

I'M AFRAID HE TOLD EVERYONE
YOU'RE A HUNTER,

AND YOU HUNT
AND KILL CROCODILES.
[ Chuckles Nervously ]

OH. HE KNOWS
BETTER THAN THAT.

CROCODILES ARE PROTECTED.
I DON'T KILL 'EM.
I CATCH 'EM ALIVE.

OH ?
WELL, YES, OF COURSE.

I'LL TALK TO HIM.
THERE'LL BE NO MORE FIBS.

REALLY NICE TO MEET YOU,
DOROTHY.

LOOKS LIKE A HUNTER.

NICE BUTT.

DAD, WILL YOU TELL THE TEACHERS
TO CALL ME DUNDEE,
NOT CHARLETON ?

OH, SURE. WE JUST HAD TO
ENROLL YOU AT SCHOOL
UNDER YOUR MOTHER'S NAME...

'CAUSE THAT'S
YOUR LEGAL NAME OVER HERE.

IS THAT 'CAUSE YOU WON'T
MARRY MUM ?

OH, NO,
WE'RE MARRIED... SORTA.

WE JUST HAVEN'T DONE
THE LEGAL BIT YET.

SO WHAT'D THE KIDS AT SCHOOL SAY
WHEN YOU TOLD THEM YOUR DAD WAS
A CROCODILE HUNTER ?

THEY SAID, "WELL, WHAT'S
HE DOING IN BEVERLY HILLS ?"

SMART KIDS.

HEY, DAD,
WHAT'S THAT MAN DOING ?

I DON'T KNOW.
LET'S GO AND ASK HIM.

EXCUSE ME, MISTER.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING ?

WELL, I'M MEDITATING,
YOUNG MAN.

WHAT'S MEDITATING ?

MEDITATING IS A SPECIAL PLACE
I GO IN MY MIND
WHERE THERE'S NO DISTRACTION,

AND I RECEIVE
A GREAT SOURCE OF POWER.

COOL. CAN YOU
SHOW US HOW, PLEASE ?

SURE. COME FORWARD
AND HAVE A SEAT.

MY NAME'S MIKEY.
WHAT'S YOURS ?
HI, MIKEY. I'M MIKE.

OH, HI, MIKE.
I'M MICK, MIKEY'S DAD.

MIKEY, MICK, MIKE.
YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING ME, RIGHT ?
[ Mick ] NO.

OKAY, OKAY.
HOLD YOUR LEGS...

LIKE IN A BUDDHA POSITION,

GRAB YOUR ANKLES
TO SAVE YOURSELF
SOME DISCOMFORT,

AND, UM, WE'RE GONNA
TAKE IT EASY--
CLOSE YOUR EYES, RELAX.

[ Inhales Deeply ]
INHALE THE POSITIVITY,

[ Exhaling ]
EXHALE THE NEGATIVITY.

INHALE THE POSITIVITY,

EXHALE THE NEGATIVITY.

OPEN YOUR EYES.
WAKE UP. RELAX.

- HOW DO YOU FEEL ?
- VERY POWERFUL.

AND THAT'S THE TICKET,
DADDY-O-- POWER.
IT'S ALL IN THE POWER.

MIKEY, WOULD YOU JUST HURRY UP
AHEAD. I NEED TO TALK TO MIKE
FOR A MINUTE.

OKAY.
IN PRIVATE.

THANKS, MIKE. SEE YA.
YOU'RE WELCOME, MIKEY.
TAKE CARE, BUDDY.

NOW, MIKE, I NEED A FAVOR.

YOU KNOW, MICK, EVERYBODY
NEEDS A FAVOR FROM ME.

WELL, I NEED YOU
TO HELP ME OUT.
MY KNEES HAVE LOCKED.

THAT'S MY BAD RIGHT THERE.
YOU GOT IT, BUDDY.

I DIDN'T WANT MY KID TO SEE.
OH !
THERE.

THANK YOU.

HEY, DAD, DID YOU SEE
THE SIZE OF MIKE'S MUSCLES ?
THEY WERE HUGE.

YEAH. YOU SEE,
YOU SHOULD NEVER JUDGE
A BOOK BY ITS COVER.

THAT MIKE-- BIG MAN,
BUILT LIKE A BRICK DUNNEY,

BUT I COULD TELL STRAIGHTAWAY
HE WAS A GENTLE MAN.

HE WOULDN'T HURT A FLY.
I JUST KNOW PEOPLE.
IT'S A GIFT.

[ Man On TV ]
I NEED YOU GUYS TO TEAR
THIS PLACE APART.

AH, IT'S THE BOWLIN' BALL.
PURE HEROIN.

I KNOW IT'S HERE SOMEWHERE.
CHECK OUT THE BOWLIN' BALL.

HEY, WHAT ABOUT
THIS BOWLING BALL ?
THERE, I KNEW IT.

[ Television Continues ]

- HEY, SUE !
- HMM ?

WHAT ARE YOU DOIN', LOVE ?
TRYING TO THINK
LIKE A JOURNALIST AGAIN.

I USED TO BE
PRETTY GOOD AT IT.

NOT THAT ANYONE WAS GONNA PUT
SUE CHARLETON AND PULITZER PRIZE
IN THE SAME SENTENCE,

BUT, AH,
[ Sighs ]
I'M JUST STUMPED.

IS IT THAT, UH,
FILM STUDIO THING ?

I'M SURE IT'S AN ELABORATE FRONT
FOR SOMETHING. BUT WHAT ?

THEY'RE SMUGGLIN'.

- DRUGS OR GUNS.
- HOW DO YOU ARRIVE AT THAT ?

THAT'S WHAT IT ALWAYS IS.
THE BIG MONEY THING THEY SMUGGLE
INTO AMERICA ARE DRUGS.

AND THE BIG THING GOIN' OUT--
GUNS.

OH.

AND WHERE DID THIS INSIGHT
INTO MAJOR CRIMINAL ACTIVITIES
COME FROM ?

OH, FROM TV.
I'M A QUICK LEARNER.

HEY, I MAY LOOK LIKE I JUST
FELL OFF THE TURNIP TRUCK,
BUT I DIDN'T LAND ON MY HEAD.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU NEED ?
YOU NEED A MOLE.

- A MOLE ?
- ME. I'LL GET A JOB
AT THE STUDIO.

OH, MICK, I KNOW YOU NEED
SOMETHING TO DO, BUT--

I MADE A LOT OF CONTACTS
AT THAT MOVIE PARTY.

I BET ONE OF THEM
COULD GET ME A JOB THERE.

WELL, WHAT ABOUT MIKEY ?
WHO'S GONNA TAKE HIM TO SCHOOL
IN THE MORNING ?

I'LL GET HIM
ONE OF THOSE NANNIES.
I'LL GET A GOOD ONE.

NO WORRY.
LEAVE IT TO ME.
THIS IS IMPORTANT.

SEE, SOMETIMES I THINK
YOUNG MIKEY THINKS I'M
A BIT OF A HILLBILLY.

WELL, I AM, ACTUALLY.

I JUST WANNA SHOW HIM
THAT BEING A HILLBILLY DOESN'T
NECESSARILY MEAN YOU'RE DUMB.

[ Man ]
SO OUR FIRST GROUP,
STROLL UP THE STREET,

FOLLOWED BY
OUR THREE BUSINESSMEN
AT A MORE BRISK PACE...

AND THEN
OUR TWO CONSTRUCTION WORKERS !

DIEGO ROSALES.
YEAH, MICK. MICK SMITH.

NICE TO MEET YOU, MICK.

NOW, WE'RE IN BERLIN,
SO PLEASE WALK LIKE GERMANS !

HOW DO GERMANS WALK ?

I DON'T KNOW.
ONE FOOT AFTER THE OTHER ?
OKAY.

SO, THIS IS A REHEARSAL !
BACKGROUND ONLY !

AND... ACTION !

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING ?
I JUST WANTED MY KID
TO SEE ME IN THE PICTURE.

YEAH, WELL, IF YOU START LOOKING
AT THE CAMERA DURING THE TAKE,

THEY'LL TAKE YOU OUT
OF THE PICTURE.
OH.

YOU'RE NEW, AREN'T YOU ?
YEAH, FIRST ROLE.
BIT NERVOUS.

CUT !
BACK TO ONE, PLEASE !

WELL, LOOK, JUST RELAX.
WATCH ME, OKAY ?
YEAH.

FORGET ABOUT THE CAMERA.
WE'RE TWO WORKING STIFFS
ON OUR WAY TO A BAR.

OH, JUST PRETEND
IT'S REAL LIFE ?
YEAH.

OKAY, NOW, PEOPLE,
WE WILL BE DOING IT FOR REAL
THIS TIME, AND REMEMBER--

ATTENTION, PLEASE !

QUIET, EVERYONE !
PICTURE'S UP !
QUIET ! PICTURE'S UP !

ROLL !
SOUND SPEED.
MARKER.

SET.
AND... BACKGROUND ACTION.

AND ACTION.

STOP THAT MAN !

- CUT ! CUT !
- MAN, ARE YOU OKAY ?

- WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED ?
- IT WAS MY FAULT. I JUST
SAW HIM RUNNIN' AND--

UH, WHAT HAPPENED IS
THAT HE-- HE TRIED TO
CATCH HIM AS HE FELL.

WE BOTH SAW HIM TRIP.
HE WENT DOWN HARD.
ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE OKAY ?

THANKS FOR TRYING, BUDDY.
OKAY, WE'LL GO AGAIN.

BACK TO ONE, PLEASE !
FAST AS YOU CAN !
WE'RE LOSING THE LIGHT !

HEY, THANKS
FOR COVERING UP FOR ME.

I COULDN'T HELP IT, YOU KNOW ?
REFLEX. SORT OF LIKE
A FOOTBALL FLASHBACK.

FOOTBALL, MY ASS.
THAT WASN'T EXACTLY
A LEGAL TACKLE.

OH, IT IS AT HOME. IT'S CALLED
A DOWEL AND COAT HANGER.
ANYWAY, I OWE YOU ONE.

NO, NO, IT'S OKAY.
I HAD TO KEEP YOU HERE.

YOU'RE FUN. I WANT TO SEE
WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO
TO SCREW UP THE NEXT TAKE.

OKAY.

OH, UH, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM,
MICHAEL ?

MISS, DO PEOPLE
LIKE RATS IN AMERICA,
OR ARE THEY JUST PESTS ?

- WHY DO YOU ASK ?
- 'CAUSE THERE'S A BIG RAT
IN THE BOOKSHELVES.

[ All Screaming ]

[ Gasping, Groaning ]

IS IT DEAD ?
NO, MISS.

I ONLY STUNNED IT.
MY DAD SAYS NEVER KILL ANYTHING
UNLESS YOU'RE GONNA EAT IT.

[ All ]
EWW !

I THINK WE'LL JUST PUT IT
OUTSIDE, PLEASE.

HE'S MY BEST FRIEND,
YOU KNOW ?

THE KEY TO SURVIVAL HERE IS
YOU GOTTA KEEP YOUR FACE
AWAY FROM THE CAMERA.

THAT WAY THEY CAN USE YOU
AGAIN AND AGAIN.

YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN
IN EVERY MOB SCENE.
YOU'RE A PRO.

ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE !
SETTLE DOWN !

SETTLING !
TRY AGAIN.

AND BACKGROUND ACTION !

ACTION.

WATCH THIS ! WATCH THIS !
KIKI, GET ME A DRINK.

[ Chittering ]

CUT !
THIS ISN'T WORKING.

WHAT'S THE PROBLEM
WITH THE MONKEY ?

SORRY. SHE WAS FINE EARLIER.
COME HERE, KIKI. COME HERE.

COME HERE.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
SHE NEVER DOES THIS.

COME HERE, KIKI !

SHE'S JUST A BIT NERVOUS.
WHAT DO YOU WANT HER
TO DO ?

YOU EVER WORK
WITH ANIMALS ?
YEAH.

KINDA.
SHE'S SUPPOSED
TO GO TO THE TABLE...

AND TAKE A SODA
TO THE ACTOR.

- DIET OR REGULAR ?
- WHATEVER. DIET.

- WANT A GLASS ?
- SHE HASN'T LEARNED THAT.

- WE'RE RUNNING LATE HERE.
- [ Whispering ]

CAN WE TRY ONE MORE TIME ?
IF THIS DOESN'T WORK,
WE'LL DROP IT.

OKAY, BACK TO ONE.
THIS IS THE REAL THING,
EVERYBODY.

CONCENTRATING. ROLL !

PICTURE'S UP !
SPEED.
MARKER.

- AND BACKGROUND ACTION !
- ACTION !

WATCH THIS. WATCH THIS !

KIKI, GET ME A DRINK.

MAKE IT A DIET ONE.

AND A GLASS TOO !
THANK YOU, MEIN LIEBCHEN.

CUT ! PRINT !
CHECK THE GATE.

[ Applause ]
WHOO !

[ Whispering ]
BOOK HIM.

LOOK, UH, I GOT A PROBLEM.
ALL OF MY ANIMALS
ARE ON THE JUNGLE SET,

AND I CAN'T KEEP COMING
BACK AND FORTH WITH THE CHIMP.

SO IF YOU'LL FILL IN FOR ME,
I'LL DOUBLE WHAT
YOU'RE GETTING PAID.

WILL I STILL BE
ON THIS PICTURE ?

EVERY DAY. KIKI'S
AN ABOVE-THE-TITLE PLAYER.

YOU GOT A DEAL.
[ Clapping ]

YOU'RE LOOKING AT
THE NEW MONKEY WRANGLER.

THANKS FOR YOU HELP, DIEGO.
DUDE, MICK !

HEY, HEY,
THIS IS A POSITIVE
CAREER MOVE.

RECKON ?
YEAH ! I'M TELLING YOU,
YOU'RE GONNA GO FAR.

AH ! DON'T BE
A STRANGER NOW.

HELL OF A NICE GUY.

CAN'T ACT FOR SHIT,

BUT HE'LL PROBABLY WIND UP
WITH HIS OWN TV SITCOM.

[ Kids Chattering ]
MIKEY !

WAIT JUST A MINUTE, DEAR.

SEE YA, MIKE.
BYE, MIKEY.

I SUPPOSE YOUR FATHER'S
PICKING YOU UP AGAIN.

NAW, HE'S AT WORK
THIS WEEK.

OH. BUMMER.
WELL, HOW ARE YOU
GETTING HOME THEN ?

I'VE GOT A NANNY
LIKE ALL THE OTHER KIDS.

OH ! WHICH ONE'S YOURS ?

OVER THERE.
THE BIG ONE.

YOUR NANNY ?
HE'S REALLY UNCLE JACKO
FROM BACK HOME.

AND IS UNCLE JACKO MARRIED ?
NO, BUT HE'S LOOKING.

HI. DOROTHY MATHIS.
I'M MIKEY'S TEACHER.

G'DAY, DOROTHY.
CALL ME JACKO.

BLOODY MARVELOUS.

LOS ANGELES, EH ?

FUNNY NAME.

LOS ANGELES.

YEAH, IT MEANS, UH,
"LOST ANGELS."

IT'S ITALIAN.
AH, THERE IT IS.

I TOLD SUE I'D TAKE YOU
SOMEWHERE REALLY SPECIAL
FOR DINNER.

YOU'RE GONNA
LOVE THIS PLACE.
TRUST ME.

NOW, PICK OUT WHAT YOU WANT
OFF THE MENU HERE...

AND YOU YELL IT OUT
INTO THAT BOX.

TWO MINUTES LATER,
YOU'RE SCARFING IT DOWN...

WITHOUT EVEN
GETTING OUT OF THE CAR.

WE HAVE THESE DRIVE-INS
BACK HOME IN THE CITIES,

BUT THIS IS
WHERE IT ALL STARTED.

SO YOU CAN EAT LIKE A PIG
AND NO ONE CAN SEE YOU.

CLEVER BUGGERS,
THESE YANKS, EH ?

WELL, THIS IS WHY
L.A. IS FAMOUS
ALL AROUND THE WORLD--

FOR ITS FINE CUISINE.

[ Girl ]
WELCOME TO WENDY'S.
CAN I TAKE YOUR ORDER ?

LET ME HANDLE THIS.
GOOD EVENING, WENDY.

THERE WILL BE FOUR OF US
DINING IN THE CAR
THIS EVENING.

SO WE'RE GONNA NEED
FOUR TRIPLE BURGERS
WITH CHEESE...

AND FOUR BIGGIE FRIES.

SO THAT'S
FOUR CLASSIC TRIPLES...

UH, WAIT A MINUTE.
AND FOUR BIGGIE FRIES ?

UH, HERE COMES
STAN AND HARRY.

UH, THEY'LL ALSO BE
DINING WITH US TONIGHT,

SO WE NEED...
SIX TRIPLE BURGERS
WITH CHEESE...

AND SIX BIGGIE FRIES.

OKAY. SIX CLASSIC TRIPLES
WITH CHEESE AND SIX
BIGGIE FRIES ?

- YOU KNOW WHAT
I'D REALLY LIKE TO DO ?
- WHAT'S THAT ?

GO RIGHT UP ON THE ROOF
ON ONE OF THOSE SKYSCRAPERS.

THAT'S EASY.
JUST FIND ONE THAT'S OPEN.

IT'S THE TRUTH.
THIS IS HIGHER THAN AYERS ROCK.

YEAH. OF COURSE,
THE BUILDINGS IN NEW YORK
ARE A LOT HIGHER.

I WAS THERE, YOU KNOW.

OLD NEW YORK.

OR AS WE CALL IT,
THE "BIG APPLE."

BIG APPLE ?
WHY DO YOU CALL IT THAT ?

WELL, BECAUSE
IT'S REALLY BIG AND, UH--

YEAH, BUT NONE
OF THOSE BUILDINGS
ARE AS DANGEROUS AS THIS.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN ?
- WELL, THEY DON'T HAVE
EARTHQUAKES IN NEW YORK.

THEY HAVE 'EM HERE
ALL THE TIME, RIGHT ?

YEAH.

WE COULD HAVE ONE
RIGHT NOW.

GOD !

WHAT DO YOU RECKON IT'D
DO TO THIS BUILDING ?

HEY, I WOULDN'T WANNA
BE UP HERE IF SHE
STARTED SHAKIN', EH ?

[ Chuckling ]

I'VE SEEN ENOUGH.
YOU DONE ?

OH, YEAH.
NO POINT IN HANGIN' ROUND.

THIS QUAKE-SAFE ?

NO WORRIES.

OH, MATE, I NEED A DRINK
AFTER ALL THOSE 1,286 STAIRS.

NO WORRIES, MATE.

DIDN'T WORK.

WELL, YOU GOTTA WAIT.
THERE'S HUNDREDS OF CARS
GOING THROUGH...

AND JUST US TWO
TRYING TO CROSS.

YEAH ?
NOW THERE'S 20 OF US, EH ?

YEAH, BUT YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
IT'S ILLEGAL.

WELL, I DON'T SEE ANY COPS.

YEAH, BUT THEY HAVE
CAMERAS AT ALL THESE
INTERSECTIONS, SEE ?

IF YOU DO ANYTHING WRONG,
THEY TAKE YOUR PICTURE
AND SEND YOU A FINE.

YEAH, BUT I AIN'T WEARING
A NUMBER PLATE AROUND MY NECK,

SO HOW THE HELL ARE THEY
GONNA KNOW WHO I AM, HUH ?

WHEN YOU LANDED HERE,
YOU SHOWED 'EM
YOUR PASSPORT, RIGHT ?

YEAH.
GOT YOUR PICTURE IN IT,
DOPEY.

OH, YEAH, RIGHT.

I WONDER
HOW MUCH THEY FINE YOU.

IT ALL DEPENDS ON
HOW MANY TIMES
YOU PUSH THE BUTTON.

THIS LOOKS LIKE US.
GREAT. TEXAS BAR.
WE'RE IN.

THIS COULD BE
A BIT OF FUN.

WITH THESE AMERICAN COWBOYS,
WE'LL HAVE A LITTLE
BARROOM BRAWL.

** [ Disco ]
HOWDY, BOYS. STEP ON IN.

HOWDY, MA'AM.

MA'AM.
HOWDY, COWBOYS.

* IT'S RAINING MEN
HALLELUJAH *

STONE THE BLOODY CROWS !

THAT MUST'VE BEEN
ONE OF THOSE POOFTER BARS.
YUP.

ONLY I BELIEVE THE CORRECT TERM
IS "GAY HOMOSEXUAL."

THAT'S WHAT THEY CALL
THEIR SHIRTLIFTERS OVER HERE.

THE ONLY WOMAN THERE
WAS THE COWGIRL
AT THE DOOR.

** [ Rap ]

GIVE IT UP, PUNK,
OR I'LL BLOW YOU AWAY.

** [ Rap Continues ]
UH, HANG ON.
I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

** [ Stops ]

THAT'S BETTER.
NOW HOW CAN I HELP YOU ?
SMART-ASS COWBOY, HUH ?

HAND ME OVER
YOUR MONEY, MAN !
THEY AIN'T COWBOYS.

- THEY'RE FOOLS DRESSED UP !
- YEAH, FOOLS GOT MONEY TOO.
[ Laughing ]

- GIVE IT UP, OR I'LL
BUST A CAP IN YOUR ASS !
- YEAH, HAND IT OVER, BITCH !

BITCH ?

SON, YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
HOW QUICK YOU HAVE TO BE
TO CATCH A TIGER SNAKE ?

I'M ALWAYS
GETTING MUGGED.
I MUST LOOK RICH.

HEY, IT'S ONE OF THEM
SOFT-TOPPED CARS.
CAVE IN.

[ Punks Yelling ]
[ Horn Honks ]

OW !
YOU KNOW,

THIS MUST BE
WHY THEY CALL L.A.
THE "CITY ON WHEELS."

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN ?
- THEY DON'T EVEN GET OUT
OF THEIR CAR TO MUG YOU.

HEY !
[ Groaning ]
OW !

IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT, HOMES !
YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE
CALLED HIM A BITCH !

SHOULD WE CALL THE COPS ?

NO POINT. OVER HERE,
THEY'D PROBABLY
END UP SUING US.

BESIDES,
IT'S NOT THEIR FAULT.

IT'S THE DRUGS.

I SAW ALL ABOUT IT
ON THAT GERALDO RIVERA.

HE KNOWS THE STREETS.

LET'S JUST GET
A CUP OF COFFEE
AND GO HOME.

DON'T BE TOO HASTY
ORDERING COFFEE AROUND HERE.

YOU MIGHT NOT BE TOO HAPPY
WITH THE WAY THEY SERVE 'EM.

TRUST ME.

AND THIS IS WHERE
A BIG CROCODILE ALMOST
BIT HIS LEG RIGHT OFF.

WHOA !
NEAT !

WELL, TO TELL THE TRUTH, KIDS,
IT WASN'T REALLY THAT BIG.

NO MORE THAN 20 FEET OR SO
ANYWAY.

[ Boy ]
WHOA ! THAT'S HUGE !

[ Chittering ]
YES, I KNOW.

THEY JUST DON'T APPRECIATE
A REAL ARTISTE.
I'D HAVE BIT HIM TOO.

I THOUGHT
YOU WERE FABULOUS.

I DON'T CARE
WHAT THAT DIRECTOR SAID.
HE'S AN IDIOT.

YOU WERE REALLY GOOD.

YOU SAID BLACK
WITH ONE SUGAR, RIGHT ?
OH, YES.

THANKS, MATE.
EXCELLENT.
AND...

I GOT US A LITTLE TREAT
FOR OUR FRIEND HERE.

OH, GREAT.
THAT'LL HIT THE SPOT.

BLACK AND ONE SUGAR.
[ Slurps ]

SHE'S A BIT GRUMPY TODAY.

NOT HAPPY WITH
THE SIZE OF HER TRAILER.

SHE WANTS
A BIG ONE LIKE VIRGIL,
BUT I KEEP TELLING HER,

"VIRGIL'S A LION.
YOU'RE ONLY A MONKEY."

- [ Chittering ]
- SORRY.

"CHIMPANZEE."

SAY, HAVE YOU THOUGHT
ABOUT CHANGING AGENTS ?

DIEGO,
YOU'RE TALKING TO A CHIMP.
THEY DON'T SPEAK ENGLISH.

NEITHER DID
MY FIRST WIFE.

KEEP MOVING, DRAVOS.

DON'T BE STUPID !
MIND THE PAINTING !

[ Muttering ]

JUST LEAN IT CAREFULLY
AGAINST THE WALL FOR NOW.

[ Thuds ]
CAREFULLY !

G'DAY, PHIL.
WHAT'S HAPPENING, MATE ?

HI, MICK.
THE USUAL CONTINUITY NIGHTMARE.

RIGHT.

WHAT'S THAT MEAN ?
IT MEANS I HAVE
TO MAKE THIS SET...

LOOK EXACTLY LIKE IT DID
ON LOCATION IN YUGOSLAVIA.

YUGOSLAVIA. IS THAT WHERE
ALL THESE PAINTINGS COME FROM ?

YUP. THEY HAD THEM
DONE THERE. DUMB.

WOULD'VE BEEN
CHEAPER HERE
AND MORE REALISTIC.

OH, SO NONE OF THESE
ARE VALUABLE.
THEY'RE JUST ALL COPIES.

YUP, AND RATHER
POOR ONES AT THAT.

AND THESE HUGE,
TACKY FRAMES ?
FOR GOD SAKES.

DON'T THEY USUALLY CART
THE SETS AND THE PROPS...

FROM ONE COUNTRY
TO ANOTHER AND BACK AGAIN ?

MAYBE IN A BIG-BUDGET
INTERNATIONAL MOVIE LIKE
MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE 3.

BUT I HAVEN'T SEEN
TOM CRUISE HANGING
AROUND THE SET, HAVE YOU ?

TOM CRUISE.
WHAT'S HE LOOK LIKE ?

LIKE... TOM CRUISE.

JEEZ, MICK, WERE YOU
BORN IN A CAVE ?

YEAH !
HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT ?

NEVER MIND.

JIM, THE VAN GOGHS ARE
DOWN AT THE WRONG END.

SEE, HERE THEY STARTED
WITH THE GAUGUINS,
ONE ABOVE THE OTHER.

LET'S GET THIS RIGHT.
WE GOTTA BE DONE
IN HERE TONIGHT.

THEY'RE SHOOTING
IN HERE TOMORROW.

[ Sniffs ]

[ Mick ]
YOU SEE, YOU CAN MIX HEROIN
INTO A PLASTER,

MAKE IT ANY SHAPE YOU LIKE.

SO WHEN I SEE THIS GUY GO NUTS
JUST 'CAUSE THEY BUMPED
THE LOUSY PAINTING,

THAT'S WHERE I KNEW
WHERE THE DRUGS
WERE HIDDEN--

MOLDED INTO
THE PICTURE FRAMES.

PURE HEROIN,
OR AS WE CALL IT,
"SMACK."

JEEZ, MICK, YOU REALLY DO
THINK LIKE A DETECTIVE.

YEAH, WELL, IT COMES
SORT OF NATURAL TO ME,
YOU KNOW ?

- HEY, MICK.
- AH.

THAT WAS THE POLICE LAB.

SORRY. THE FRAMES
ARE JUST PLASTER.
THERE'S NO DRUGS.

OH, BUGGER IT.

I WAS SURE
I CRACKED THE CASE.

I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE THEY'RE NOT
SMUGGLING ANYTHING.

OH, NO.
THEY'RE SNEAKING AROUND
WITH SOMETHING.

I JUST HAVEN'T
FOUND IT YET.

LIKE I READ ABOUT
THIS FELLA,

HE USED TO PUSH
A WHEELBARROW
FULL OF COW DUNG...

ACROSS THE BORDER
EVERY DAY.

"MANURE FOR THE GARDEN,"
HE'D SAY.
WENT ON FOR MONTHS.

AND THE BORDER GUARDS
KNEW HE WAS
SMUGGLING SOMETHING,

SO THEY'D STOP HIM AND THEY'D
RAKE THROUGH THAT MANURE
WITH A FINE-TOOTH COMB.

NEVER FOUND A THING.

TURNED OUT THEY WERE RIGHT.
HE WAS SMUGGLING SOMETHING:

WHEELBARROWS.

RIGHT UNDER THEIR NOSES.

SEE, IT'S THERE, AND I'M
JUST NOT SEEING IT... YET.
AND I WILL.

NAH. I RECKON HE WAS RIGHT
THE FIRST TIME. IT'S DRUGS.

THEY WOULDN'T GO
TO ALL THAT TROUBLE
FOR WHEELBARROWS.

CUT ! AND PRINT.

WE'LL CUT WHEN HE THROWS,
SO THAT WENT FINE.

ALL RIGHT !
WELL DONE, PAUL.

[ Assistant Director ]
LISTEN, EVERYONE, WE DO NOT
BURN DOWN THE CASTLE NOW.

THAT WILL BE
A SECOND-UNIT SHOT TOMORROW.

THAT MEANS EVERYONE
GOES HOME EARLY
AND HAS TOMORROW OFF.

WHOO ! ALL RIGHT !
OKAY, SEE YOU ALL FRIDAY !

FIRST THING !

[ Man ]
AND YOU'VE ACTUALLY SEEN
THESE PAINTINGS QUITE RECENTLY.

YEAH, TODAY.

WELL, THEN THAN MAKES IT EASY.
THEY'RE FAKES.

YOU CAN TELL THAT
FROM THE PHOTOGRAPHS ?
WELL, NORMALLY, NO.

BUT, YOU SEE,
THESE REMBRANDTS...

AND THIS, THE OLIVE FIELD
BY VAN GOGH,

UNFORTUNATELY
NO LONGER EXIST.

DURING THE BOMBING
OF BELGRADE BY NATO,

THE NATIONAL
ART MUSEUM OF SERBIA
TOOK A DIRECT HIT,

BURNED TO THE GROUND
ALONG WITH THE ORIGINALS
OF THESE PAINTINGS...

AND POSSIBLY THE FINEST
COLLECTION OF OLD MASTERS
IN EASTERN EUROPE.

IT WAS A TRAGEDY
FOR THE ART WORLD.

ERGO, THESE MUST BE
COPIES, FAKES.

THAT, UM, BELGRADE,
IS THAT IN YUGOSLAVIA ?

- YEAH.
- 'CAUSE THAT'S WHERE
THESE PAINTINGS COME FROM.

WHAT IF IT WASN'T
AN ACCIDENTAL BOMBING...

AND SOMEONE REMOVED
THE PAINTINGS FIRST ?

SPOILS OF WAR ?

MAYBE I SHOULD
TAKE A LOOK AT THESE.
COULD YOU TAKE ME TO THEM ?

THAT'S PROBABLY IMPOSSIBLE.

BUT IF I COULD GET ONE OF THEM
AND BRING IT TO YOU
AND IT WAS REAL,

THAT MEANS THE REST
ARE PROBABLY REAL, RIGHT ?

YOU MUST CALL ME
THE MINUTE YOU FIND ONE.
I HAVE TO SEE THEM.

NO WORRIES.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.

- HEY, WHO DREW THIS ?
- PABLO PICASSO.

I'M A DRINKING MAN MYSELF,
BUT I'VE NEVER BEEN
THAT HAMMERED.

THIS'LL BE A PIECE OF CAKE.
I KNOW THIS LOT BACKWARDS.

WAIT IN THE CAR.
UH, MICK ?

I WAS GONNA SAY,
"BE CAREFUL,"

BUT I GUESS THAT'S
KIND OF A DUMB THING TO SAY
TO SOMEONE WHO HUNTS CROCODILES.

NO WORRIES.

OF COURSE THE DIFFERENCE
IS OBVIOUS HERE,

BUT ON FILM,
IT'S A PERFECT MATCH.

ISN'T IT ?
ALL RIGHT,
WE HAVE THE PAINTINGS.

NOW MUST WE CONTINUE
WITH THIS STUPID
MOVIE BUSINESS BULLSHIT ?

YOU REALLY DON'T GET IT,
DO YOU ?

GOD IS IN THE DETAILS.

THESE CAME INTO THE COUNTRY
AS FILM PROPS.
ANYONE WANTS TO SEE THEM--

"SORRY.
WE BURNED THEM.

WANT PROOF ?
GO SEE THE MOVIE."

DEAD END. BRILLIANT.

CARL, WE NEED YOUR HELP.

CARL, THAT PAINTING
SHOULD BE COVERED.

I'LL BE WITH YOU
IN A MOMENT.

- THEN WHO THE HELL IS THAT ?
- [ Milos ] STOP HIM !

AFTER HIM ! QUICKLY !

SHOOT LOW !
DON'T HIT THE PAINTING !

AFTER HIM !
SEAL OFF THE LOT !

QUICK ! HOLD THIS !
THANKS.
WHAT ?

HE RAN IN HERE.
DRAVOS FOLLOWED HIM.

COVER ALL THE EXITS.
GO IN AND HELP DRAVOS
FLUSH HIM OUT.

[ Whispering ]
SHH. I KNOW, I KNOW.
MICK SAID TO WAIT HERE.

IT'S HIS BUST, RIGHT ?

I KNOW. I WAS JUST LOOKING.

HOW'D YOU GET HERE ANYWAY ?
WHO'S LOOKING AFTER MIKEY ?

MISS MATHIS,
HIS TEACHER FROM SCHOOL.

I FOLLOWED YOU
IN HER CAR.

OH. I'LL JUST
KEEP YOU ON HOLD.

AH.

[ Screams ]

KEEP YOU ON HOLD. HA !
I JUST COME OUT WITH THEM.

WHO IS THIS MAN ?
HOW DOES HE--
I THINK HE'S THE MONKEY GUY.

MICK, THE GUY THAT TRAINS
THE MONKEY. SAME HAT.

HOW WOULD THE MONKEY GUY
KNOW ABOUT THE PAINTINGS ?

IS HE ALONE ?
YOU BETTER HOPE
HE'S STILL ALIVE.

GET IN THERE.

[ Man On Walkie-talkie. ]
WE'RE ENTERING STAGE FOUR.
WE'LL FLUSH HIM YOUR WAY.

ROGER THAT.

[ Bell Ringing ]

[ Laughs ]

[ Moos ]

- [ Farts ]
- OH !

SHOOT LOW.
WE NEED HIM ALIVE.

[ Whistles ]

- WATCH OUT...
- [ Screaming ]

FOR THE WALL.

HE'S GONE TO THE JUNGLE SET.
THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY
IN AND OUT OF THERE.

I'M ON IT.
JUST COVER THE GATE
TILL WE GET THERE.

[ Leaves Rustling ]

HEY ! HEY ! HEY ! HEY !

HIGH FIVE.

[ Man On Walkie-talkie ]
STAN, COPY. BOSS SAID
DON'T GO IN THERE ALONE.

STAN ? STAN ?
TOO LATE, MATE.

STAN !

OH, SHIT.

DID IT, UM--

I-IT... MISSED, I THINK.

I HOPE.

HI, MICK.

I KNOW YOU'RE STILL HERE.

WHY DON'T WE STOP
PLAYING THIS SILLY GAME ?

YOU CAN COME OUT AND...

JOIN YOUR FRIENDS.

I HAVE NO MORE PATIENCE
FOR THIS !

[ Mick ]
OKAY, YOU WIN.
I'M COMIN' OUT.

JUST DON'T MAKE
ANY SUDDEN MOVES.

YOU DON'T HAVE
TO BE SO FORMAL.
WE'RE ALL FRIENDS.

YOU CAN...
LOWER YOUR HANDS.

I CAN'T REALLY
LOWER THIS ONE.

- AND WHY IS THAT ?
- 'CAUSE IF I PUT
THIS ARM DOWN...

AND BREAK EYE CONTACT,

HE MIGHT COME DOWN HERE
AND TEAR YOU APART.

- WHO ?
- FELLA WHO LIVES IN THERE.

LOOK. UP ON THE ROCK.

[ Growling ]

ARE YOU NUTS ?
CAN'T KILL A LION
WITH A .38 PISTOL.

- YOU'LL JUST PISS HIM OFF.
- [ Growling ]

IF YOU SHOOT ANYONE,
THEY BETTER NOT BLEED.

LIONS GO BERSERK
WHEN THEY SMELL BLOOD.

IF I WAS YOU,
I'D BACK UP SLOWLY
INTO THAT CAGE.

[ Gulps, Clears Throat ]

UH, YEAH.
SURELY, THAT'S A...

TAME LION.

YEAH. YOU COULD BE RIGHT.

[ Roaring ]

I SHOOT YOU.
YOU BLEED.

- I TAKE MY CHANCES.
- YEAH, BUT HE'S
NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

IT'S HIS MISSUS
I'M WORRIED ABOUT.
[ Growling ]

I CAN'T HANDLE HER.

SHE'S GOT PMS, I THINK.
CAN SEE IT IN HER EYES.

ANYWAY, YOU DO
WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO.

I'M GETTING IN THE CAGE...

BEFORE HIS MOTHER-IN-LAW
COMES DOWN.

- NO ! NO !
- [ Roaring ]

- YOU OPEN THE DOOR !
OPEN THE DOOR NOW !
- GIVE ME THE GUN.

YOU HELD A GUN
TO MY WIFE'S HEAD.

HUH ?
THAT'S UNFORGIVABLE.

I'M GONNA HELP YOU
LOSE SOME WEIGHT.
HOW ?

VIRGIL'S GONNA COME DOWN HERE
AND BITE A BIG CHUNK
OUT OF YOUR FAT ASS.

[ Whimpering ]
VIRGIL, LUNCH !

- [ Roars ]
- SIT !

[ Roars ]

AH.

IF YOU TOUCH ME, I WILL SUE YOU
FOR EVERY CENT YOU'VE GOT.

HA ! WELL, THAT SOUNDS FAIR.

HEY, THAT'S ABOUT 40 BUCKS.

[ Laughs ]
IT'S A FAIR DEAL.

BUGGER.

AND HOW ARE YOU, MISS ?

WHAT THE HELL
WERE YOU DOING IN HERE ?
WELL, I HAD TO.

MY CELL PHONE WENT DEAD,
AND I HAD TO COME IN HERE
TO FIND A PHONE TO CALL 911.

YOU'RE CLEVER, SUE.
I NEVER WOULD'VE
THOUGHT OF THAT.

YEAH, WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE
SHE'S A DUNDEE.

OR SHE OUGHT TO BE.

UH, JACKO, KEEP AN EYE
ON THE GOONS AND, UH,
BLOCK YOUR EARS.

- WHAT ?
- BLOCK YOUR EARS.
PRIVATE TALK.

NO WORRIES, MATE.

UH, I HAVE TO TELL YOU THIS.

I WAS JUST REALLY SCARED
FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE.

WELL, THAT'S OKAY.
MOST PEOPLE ARE
FRIGHTENED OF LIONS.

NO, NOT THE LIONS.
THEY'RE JUST HUNGRY.

IT'S WHEN I SAW THAT GOON
WITH A GUN AT YOUR HEAD.

THAT'S WHEN I REALIZED
HOW MUCH I, UH--

YOU KNOW, UM--

WILL YOU MARRY ME ?

WELL, YOU DO
RUSH INTO THINGS,
DON'T YOU, MICK ?

ARE YOU SURE IT'S NOT
JUST THE ROMANTIC SETTING ?

LOCAL EXPERTS SAY THE VALUE
OF THE RECOVERED ART...

COULD RUN AS HIGH
AS $300 MILLION.

FOR THE VERY LATEST,
LET'S GO LIVE TO MARTA WALLER
AT THE SCENE. MARTA ?

THANKS, HAL. RIGHT NOW
THE POLICE ARE TAKING...

THESE PRICELESS PAINTINGS
INTO PROTECTIVE CUSTODY.

THE WOMAN BEHIND ME
TALKING TO THE DETECTIVE
IS MS. SUE CHARLETON,

THE NEWSDAY REPORTER WHO
LED DETECTIVES TO THE CACHE
OF STOLEN MASTERPIECES.

UNFORTUNATELY,
THE UNDERCOVER AGENT WHO
ACTUALLY CAPTURED THE THIEVES...

DECLINED TO BE INTERVIEWED
ON CAMERA.

HOWEVER, EARLIER TONIGHT,
HE DID TELL ME HE IS, IN FACT,
A KNOWN EXPERT IN THE ART WORLD.

ISN'T THAT THE GUY WHO HAD
THE SKUNK ON THE FREEWAY ?
[ Man Whispers ] HEY, HAL !

UH, W-WE'LL HAVE MORE
AS THE STORY UNFOLDS.

RIGHT NOW
LET'S GO TO MALIBU...

WHERE LAST NIGHT'S DOWNPOUR OF
ALMOST A QUARTER INCH OF RAIN...

RESULTED IN DISASTROUS FLOODING
AND MASSIVE MUD SLIDES...

ALONG THE PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY.

[ Man ]
SUE, DO YOU ACCEPT
THIS LARRIKIN...

AS YOUR
WEDDED HUSBAND ?

I DO.
MICK,

DO YOU ACCEPT
THIS LOVELY LADY
AS YOUR WEDDED WIFE ?

NO WORRIES.

FAIR ENOUGH.
I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU...

HUSBAND AND WIFE.

[ Cheers And Applause ]

GOOD GOING THERE, MICK.
ALL RIGHT !

IT'S OFFICIAL NOW, MATE.
YOU'RE MICK DUNDEE II.

COOL.
NOW I GUESS
WE'LL WAIT AND SEE...

WHETHER YOU TURN OUT
TO BE ANOTHER
CROCODILE DUNDEE...

OR MICHAEL DUNDEE,
NEWSPAPER TYCOON.

OH, THAT'S A NO-BRAINER, DAD.

I'M GONNA BE
CROCODILE DUNDEE,

HUNTER AND RICH OWNER
OF A BIG NEWSPAPER.

I DIDN'T RAISE A DUMBBELL.

PUT THIS ON FOR THE PHOTOS.

WHAT FOR ?
'CAUSE YOU LOOK
LIKE A DORK IN THAT SUIT.

- NO, I DON'T.
- YOU SHOULD LOOK LIKE
CROCODILE DUNDEE.

NO, I THINK MY CROCODILE
HUNTIN' DAYS ARE OVER.

FROM HERE ON IN, IT'S...
MICK DUNDEE, PRIVATE EYE.

NAH. I'M KIDDIN'.

[ Women Yelling ]

**

* I COME FROM A LAND
DOWN UNDER *

* THE BEER DOES FLOW
AND MEN CHUNDER *

* CAN'T YOU HEAR
CAN'T YOU HEAR THAT THUNDER *

* YOU BETTER RUN
YOU BETTER TAKE COVER, YEAH *

* TRAVELING IN
A FRIED-OUT COMBIE *

* ON A HIPPIE TRAIL
HEAD FULL OF ZOMBIE *

* I MET A STRANGE LADY

* SHE MADE ME NERVOUS

* SHE TOOK ME IN
AND GAVE ME BREAKFAST *

* SHE SAID DO YOU COME
FROM A LAND DOWN UNDER *

* WHERE WOMEN GLOW
AND MEN PLUNDER *

* CAN'T YOU HEAR
CAN'T YOU HEAR THE THUNDER *

* YOU BETTER RUN
YOU BETTER TAKE COVER, YEAH *

* BUYING BREAD
FROM A MAN IN BRUSSELS *

* HE WAS SIX FOOT FOUR
AND FULL OF MUSCLES *

* I SAID DO YOU SPEAK
MY LANGUAGE, BROTHER *

* HE JUST SMILED AND GAVE ME
A VEGEMITE SANDWICH *

* HE SAID I COME FROM
A LAND DOWN UNDER *

* WHERE BEER DOES FLOW
AND MEN CHUNDER *

* CAN'T YOU HEAR
CAN'T YOU HEAR THE THUNDER *

* YOU BETTER RUN
YOU BETTER TAKE COVER, YEAH *

* LYING IN A DEN IN BOMBAY

* WITH A SLACK JAW
AND NOT A LOT TO SAY *

* I SAID TO THE MAN
ARE YOU TRYING TO TEMPT ME *

* BECAUSE I COME FROM
THE LAND OF PLENTY *

* AND HE SAID, OH, DO YOU COME
FROM A LAND DOWN UNDER *

* YEAH, YEAH *