All language subtitles for Cattle Call (2006)é

Gosh, I love to... I love to shop.

I mean, no... I love to go camping.

One time this boyfriend
was cheating on me,

and a week later he lost his job,

and then his car got wrecked,

and then a tree fell on his house.

It has to be at least five tattoos

or five piercings. I don't care.

If not, don't even bother talking to me.

Been sober for six... sixty... six hours.

Yeah, six hours.

I have a lot of cats.

I like sex. I actually do like it.

And I have sex
with guys just for fun.

Although I am from Utah,
so I guess I may be biased

to prefer someone that's maybe Mormon.

That would make my grandma happy.

I'm a professional body painter,

so pretty much I just
roll around naked in paint.

I'm actually in the process
of developing a human slingshot

so I can do walls and houses.

I used to be Miss Teen USA.

I'm terribly afraid of crabs.

Not the S TD...

Well, the S TD, too, I guess.

Hi, my name is Debbie.

And I'm looking for
a very handsome guy

that's funny, smart.

Rich couldn't hurt.

That's great.

That's fantastic.

All right.
Thanks for calling, all right?

Bye.

Dude, that was Sigourney, the girl I
met at the casting agency last week.

Is that some sort of new
kind of dating service?

No, no, man. The casting agency
where my sister works.

And there was this huge rejects bin
filled with headshots.

So what did you do?

As I'm sifting through, I find this one
that has Playboy credits.

She's beautiful. I'm like, I have to,

have to talk to this girl.

So I'm writing it down and everything,
and this janitor walks in.

- What are you doing? Listen...
- This is my job.

- No, no, no. L... I want...
- This is my job.

- I want these.
- It's my job.

I take the trash bag
home, right?

And I call that girl.

I told her, listen,

even though she was rejected
by the casting agency,

I wanted her.

I wanted to cast her
in my music video.

What music video?

Richie, if I want,
I can easily make a music video.

Isn't this girl gonna freak out

when she finds out
you're not making one?

No. Listen, like I said,
if I really, really have to,

I'll make the frickin' video.

- How?
- With your camera.

Oh, that's if I let you
use my digital camera.

You're not gonna let me use it?

You're running
a fake casting agency

so you can lie to some women
and sleep with them.

That's borderline genius, man.

That's a brilliant idea!

Think about it, man!
Think about what you just said.

This is the way for...
for you and me

to meet the girl of our dreams.

All we have to do is, like,

place an ad in one of those
actor trade paper things,

and, man, we'll have
a ton of prospects.

We'll have tons and tons of
beautiful women knocking on our door.

I mean, you'll end up
finding your girlfriend.

Who knows, maybe your wife.
It's a great idea, man.

And we should do it.

Listen, it's like a personal ad.

All we're doing is casting someone
to play the perfect person for you.

You're happy lying to women,

and now you want me
to lie to them, too.

When the girl really gets
to know you, Richie, okay?

When the girl gets
to really, really know you,

she's gonna think you met by chance.

That is meant to be.

Look at this. It's beautiful.

It's amazing. The ad is really working.

Look at... Oh!

These girls are gorgeous, man.

This is disgusting. No. No.

What do you think of this?

I think that you're a psycho.

No, listen.

When you look at these photos, okay?

I'm showing you, there's
a lot of red flags here.

Her eyebrows are super, super thick.

Her nose, this girl? Look at it.

Looks like a Saint Bernard.

You've got to look really carefully here.

Look. See? Right there?

The hair on her arms?
She's very hairy.

It's disgusting.

Sherman, I get the point.

I'm doing this for you, man.

When's the last time you got laid?

Why do you need to know?

Exactly. I want to use
your video camera.

Why do you need my video camera?

- For the auditions.
- What auditions?

And we're gonna actually need
an office space, too.

I mean, with, like,
a waiting room or something.

Why don't we just add in
a Jacuzzi and a sauna?

We'll do a weight room.

Maybe some vaulted ceilings.

That'll be nice. A wet bar?

Listen, in order to do this right, Richie,

it has to be a legitimate operation.

- A legitimate operation.
- Right.

Right, right, for a fake casting agency.

That's great.

We need an office space,
whether it's fake or not.

And who's gonna pay for that?

I don't hear anything.

Hello.

Yes?

Glenn?

Yes.

You are such a freak, man.

Everyone I know says
hello or something

after they answer the phone.

Glenn? Hello? Are you there?

Yes.

What are you doing, man?
You're doing it again.

You're giving me no indication
that you're there.

Did the phone stop ringing?

Yes, it stopped ringing.

Well, then you can assume
that someone picked up the phone.

I can't believe I'm having this
conversation with you, Glenn.

What the hell is wrong
with you, man?

What's wrong with you,
whoever you are?

Glenn, we need to talk to you
about renting some office space.

All right.

Let's talk, then.

- Reject.
- All right, see ya.

Hey, Sherman, you realize
that you're throwing out girls

you would normally
try to pick up in a bar, right?

Richie, the whole point of this
is to get supreme quality ass.

Okay.

Uh, how about this one?

She looks like Lucy Liu.

She's hot. Keep her. Right?

- Look how hot she is.
- All right. Here.

It's a good keeper.

Look at this.

A Hilary Duff look-alike.
She's beautiful.

Keep her, right?

- Yeah, keep her.
- Absolutely. Look at her.

This looks exactly
like Morgan Fairchild.

What, does everybody
have to look like somebody?

Look.

Sherman, it is Morgan Fairchild.

Marina Del.

I don't know who she looks like,
but, you know, she's cute.

In the casting business we say,
-Turn her over.-

Uh, okay.

Casting directors
and producers look at this.

They look at the actor's credits.

But we look at this section right here.

Special skills.

-Swimming, cooking, rollerblading,

working with
underprivileged children.-

- What does that mean?
- That she likes kids.

Exactly. You're catching on.

- It's like a personal ad.
- Absolutely.

- So we keep her.
- Absolutely.

All right.

All right, look at this girl.

- She's got her sizes right on the front.
- Oh, man.

You don't know
what that means?

You never did that?

It's when you stick
your face in between

two substantially large breasts

and you blow really, really hard,

and you shake your head
side to side like that.

The combination of the air
and the movement

causes a sound...
a slapping sound...

that goes in your eardrum,
and that sound is prrrunsky.

- Turn her over.
- You should try it.

Weightlifting.

Mud wrestling, martial arts.

Horse riding. I mean,
absolutely. Bring her in.

No, no, no.
Army tank mechanic.

Tractor and Caterpillar driver.

- I say we toss her.
- Yeah, whatever.

Oops, sorry.

She's a prunsky.

Yes, she is.

What's that?

Hey, I saw that, Glenn.

I think she's a keeper.
I'm gonna call her.

No, you're not.

What time do you want
to start calling tomorrow?

What do you mean? We call them right now.

Can't call them now. It's too late.

Richie, it's not too late.

These girls are out-of-work actresses.

I mean, these are their office hours.
They're desperate.

Oh, great. Then we should
call them right now.

- Let's do that.
- Do it.

What do you think about her?

- She's hot.
- She's a keeper, right?

- She's a keeper. Great.
- Call her.

- Let's call her.
- Call her.

It's 2:00 in the morning.

It's a perfect time to call
and schedule an audition for next week.

That's great.

We'll call her.

Oh, good.
It's... It's ringing.

It's ringing.

Hi... Oh, I'm sorry.
Did I wake you up? So sorry.

Um, My name's Richie Rey,
and I'm producing a film,

and we got your headshot,

and we chose it out of hundreds...

no, no, thousands
of submissions...

and... based upon your
special skills being so,

um, special,

and we'd like you
to come in and audition.

Oh, fantastic. Yeah, uh...
Oh, one last thing.

Can you bring some form
of birth control, please?

Give me the phone.

The director actually just walked in,

and he would like
to speak with you.

His name is Glenn, uh...

Glenn... His name's Glenn... Dale.

Mr. Dale. Here he is.

Hello. This is Mr. Dale.

Hello?

She's hung up.

Nice.

You know, if she had caller I.D.,
we would be in big trouble right now.

Glenn, it was
a make-believe phone call.

Not to her.

I left the seat up. Excuse me.

I try to be considerate.

Excuse me.

That was me.

Over the sheets, too.

Not good.

- Okay.
- Cool.

You're gonna go places.

Cool. Put this on my tab.

Hi. Excuse me.

I was just wondering

if you had any, uh, casting papers

or something that could
sort of help me.

Here's the Casting Call.

Go out there and kill 'em, kid.

- Oh, $3.00?
- 3 bucks.

I know you're gonna do it.

Thanks.

- Let me know how you make out.
- Okay.

Women always ask questions.

Wait! I got it!

I got it!

Hi, I'm calling to schedule you
for an audition for an independent film.

I mean, chicks love
independent films, right?

That's perfect!

That's absolutely perfect!

That means we don't have
to have a script.

We don't have to have a schedule.

We don't have to have a budget.

Nothing. No money.

That's it! No pay.

Just a golden opportunity
to be in an independent film.

That's perfect!
Independent filmmakers.

We're independent filmmakers.

That's it.
I'm calling right now.

- Who should we call?
- What about... Yeah.

- This girl, number 1.
- Holly?

- Yeah.
- Girl number 1. All right.

This is gonna work. Here we go.

Richie Rey on the line. Please hold.

Go. Talk.

- Talk!
- Speakerphone.

Hi, this is Richie Rey.

Thank you for answering the phone.

We'd like to have you in
for an audition.

Cool. For what?

For an independent film.

Ooh, an indie. What's it called?

Perfect For Me.

What's the vibe? It sounds karmic.

Yeah, it's... It's got
some funny stuff in it.

Then sometimes it's not funny at all.

- Right.
- Sad, really.

Then it gets kinda creepy.

But it's... it's mainly funny.

Because it's a comedy.

- Who's producing?
- Me...

and Sherman Oaks,

with Glenn Dale directing.

What should I wear?

Uh, dress like a ho.

A ho? Sure. Okay, peace.

I told you!

Yes! Good work.
That was awesome.

I told you it would work. I told you.

Casting. Perfect For Me.

This is Marina Del.

Marina, I was just looking at your picture.

I'm sorry.

I'm... I'm just a little bit nervous.

I've never done this before.

This is actually my first time, too.

Casting?

Well, it's the first time...

first time, uh,

you know, dealing with the casting...

you know, the movie thing.

You're funny.

I hope you're the director.

L... I'm not, but I'm glad that I'm funny.

Oh, well.

Wishful thinking, I guess.

Um, okay, cool.

Well, I'll see you then.

Bye.

Director.

Hey, Glenn.

You definitely...

You want to be the director...

You wanna swap with me?
Director, producer?

I'm not the swapping kind.

I think he's the director!

What do you like in a relationship?
What do you need?

Number 1 rule: Honesty.

Honesty's a big thing.

- Honest.
- No man can lie to me.

So honesty... plus a big wiener.

Man lie to me, that's it. That's just it.

If you can get past that little prick.

If this was an audition for a porno, like,
what would you do?

I can get myself
down here into a pretzel.

I'm not gonna do that.

Just, like, mellow out

and smoke some dope.

My teacher says that I should really be
working on my sexuality.

And so he's gonna have me do
these private coachings with him.

He has me do them naked.

Do you think I could have gotten the job

if I did it this way?

Probably. So let me try.

Pretend that he's here,
because he's not here.

So I can't actually do it.

But he just takes down his pants,

and then I'm like...

Something like that.

It's the rollerhead look.

Just gonna grab you like this,

and we're gonna go for a roll.

Preferably younger.

I love the frat boys
with their little paddles.

Or a man with long hair like Tarzan.

- Can you get out?
- Um, no.

I like it when a guy
tries to impress me.

I think I...

- I'm sorry.
- And I broke my coccyx.

I don't know what's worse:
A guy with a little wiener,

or a guy with a little wiener
who tells you he has a big one.

As if you're never
gonna find out the truth?

Listen to that.

You can always tell the size of it
by the sound of the pee.

No, no. It's directly proportionate.

The deeper the sound, the bigger it is,
and vice versa.

I thought it was the hands.

I thought it was
how low their voice is.

I thought it was the nose.

Forget the nose, forget the feet,
forget the hands.

It's the force of the pee.

The force of the pee?

The force of the pee.

And by the way, that is so not circumcised.

Stinky pee-pee.

Excuse me.
Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Excuse me. Listen, I'm the writer.

- I really gotta go.
- Yeah, but...

The faster I go, the faster you guys
will be out of here.

Thanks.

So rude.

All right.

Force of the pee.

I'll show you girls force of the pee.

Come on, buddy.

Don't let me down, all right?

Come on. Come on.

What the heck
is taking him so long?

Men are selfish.

He better have lifted the seat,

and he better put it down
when he's done!

Let's go! Speed it up in there!

Hi.

It's all yours, ladies.

Go to the bathroom!

Once upon a midnight dreary,

while I pondered weak and weary,

But they should probably just be

with someone who likes little wieners.

Do you find that you're sexually promiscuous?

You right there? Oh, I
could snap you in half.

How much work these guys
are really getting done

if they are the whole day
sitting around watching TV?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Give it to me!

How about my ass?
You like my ass?

Show us your ass. Lift up your skirt.

Can you lift up your skirt while you pogo?

Sleazy, sleazy, sleazy.

All they want are these.

Your breasts are...

I'm willing to bet they're real, right?

You get a producer, they say,
-Oh, come over my house for an audition.-

-Oh, it's at your house? Really?
Okay, I'll try, you know.-

You walk in. -Here, have a drink.-

It's as if they're holding auditions
just to pick up a chick.

No.

That he was, like, making a film,

and I really thought I
was auditioning for him.

This business is mostly run by men
who are mostly scumbags.

-And then he's, like, slapping my head.
I was like, "What are you doing?-

Like, my hair was on fire.

I can feel it.

This gig is about a look...
who you look like,

as in the flavors of the days.

Do any trampoline work?

Men are ruled by their overwhelming
desire to have orgasms.

Is there a bikini under that skirt?

What the fu... Who is this guy?

Men, agent, manager, blah.

Unless they're doing more for me
than I can do for myself, see you.

It beats waiting tables.

Forget that.

I gave up waiting tables a long time ago.

Now I work for a company
called Pure Romance.

Oh, let me show you guys
some of my stuff.

Your happiness is my touch

And that's why I hope
you'll understand

Why I've got this knife in my hand

I'm killing you

Because you lied

- What is...
- Feel that?

And it has a fabulous intense bullet
that's bedded right in the shaft.

All men suck, and they should die

All they do is cheat and lie

And you can use it
anywhere or anyplace.

I like to use it while I'm driving.

What's with the dog?

I'm sorry. Really I never do this,

but he...

- I really didn't have anywhere else...
- No, it's fine.

L... Uh...

His name is Mr. Teets.

You know me from the phone.

Oh, right. Hey! How are you?

- Good, good.
- Good to see you.

Uh, you can just
take a seat there.

Okay, great.

Um, okay.
So I prepared a monologue.

- I can just...
- You won't need it.

- Oh, really?
- No. Are you ready?

Well, yeah. What are we doing?

I'm just gonna actually ask you
a couple of questions...

- Okay.
... and all you have to do is answer.

Okay.

So what do you...

Are you rolling? Okay.

Uh, what do you
look for in a man?

Well, someone who loves
my dog as much as I do.

Um, someone who has passion.

Somebody who...

supports my dreams

and encourages me to go after them.

Somebody not like my current boyfriend.

Well, sounds like it's over to me.

Uh, it depends on who you ask.

Well, thank you
so much for coming in.

- Oh, I'm done?
- Yeah, that's... that's all we...

- That's all that we need.
- Sure.

- This has been an awkward experience.
- It's fine.

It was my first time, so...

- It was very nice.
- You made it pleasurable.

All night long.

They always kind of want,

you know, to flip you this way, turn you...

All day.

Everywhere.

Hi, I have a 3:30.

Perfect For Me?

Okay, take 2.

Hi, I have a 3:30.

Perfect For Me.

I'm the director.

Ooh. Hi.

You okay?

He's fine.

- Okay, uh, sorry about that.
- That's okay.

We're gonna ask you...

Glenn, are you done?

Hi.

Just have a seat right there.

Okay.

Is it contagious?

What are the types of things
that you look for in a man?

The three C's: Cash, cock,
and companionship.

Not necessarily in that order.

I mean, any woman who says

that a great, hard,
long banging from a man

isn't the most beautiful,

magical,

downright pleasurable
experience on earth

has either not experienced it

or is a hard-core lesbo.

Don't you think?

What did she say?

I don't know, but nice tits.

Thank you.

- Nice meeting you guys.
- Nice meeting you.

You should see a doctor about that.

- She's incredible.
- Amazing.

She's the kind of girl
you could bring home to Mom.

Right, Glenn?

Can you please tell us
what you think about men?

Men? Well, now,

I don't understand why they think

that bodily functions
are so hysterically funny.

You know?

Like burping and farting.

And they're always talking about how big
their last poo-poo was.

I'm a producer.
You wanna be in a movie?

You had a great audition.

Oh... thank you very much.

So, yeah, I'm thinking about

one of the lead roles
for you in our movie.

A lead role?

I can't believe it.

I think it's gonna be important

to spend time with you.

Get to know each other.

It helps me in rewriting the script,

you know, to get that information

and infuse that information
with your character.

- I love the way you work.
- Yeah? Me, too.

- S�.
- Me, too.

Tell me about yourself.

Oh, okay, bueno.

I love pizza, and I love music.

Really? I'm a singer
and a songwriter.

- No.
- Yeah.

That's funny. I actually...
I happen to have...

one of my CDs actually on me.

Special for you.

Oh, that is so sweet.

Thank you very much.

You know, I should hook you
up with my boyfriend.

Who?

Oh, I think you and him
will connect huge.

He's amazing.

You will love him.

You know what? L... I
actually... I gotta take this.

- It might be a while.
- Oh.

So here... here you go.

You'll get the rest, right?

No, no, no, no. Perfect timing.

All right.

Keep in touch with yourself, okay?

Yeah. No.

- Keep in touch with this.
- What... What are you doing?

- Sit down!
- What the hell are you...

- Stand up when I talk to you.
- What the...

No, Tarzana is a lady.

But you don't know who you mess with.

What's your problem?

You'll be meeting with the director.

His name is Glenn Dale.

Okay? You're scheduled in.

Thank you.

You're all set.
Lunch with Laurel Canyon.

Hey! We are kicking ass, brother.

What happened to you?

What? Oh, nothing.

I, uh, just... you know,
just cut myself shaving.

Listen, more importantly,
I got a lunch date with Rollerhead.

But I hope it doesn't mess up my
dinner date with little Miss Reseda.

Lunch and dinner?
You have two dates in one day?

- Yeah.
- You're a freak.

No, listen man,
when are you gonna just give in

to that primal being of yours

and just, you know, review the tapes

and go out on some dates?

Even our boy Glenn here
has got a little rendezvous set up.

- Come on.
- You're still telling these girls

that we're making a movie.

Yeah!

But we're not making a movie.

Richie, don't sweat it.

Nobody in Hollywood who says
they're gonna make a movie

ever makes one.

You're stressing out, man.

- Relax.
- Okay.

Look, even if...

I guess if you have a date,
I should get a date, huh?

I'm gonna go masturbate.

I didn't need to know that, Glenn.

Does the carpet match the drapes?

Well, maybe I don't have carpet.

Maybe I wax the floors.

All they ever think about is their prick.

And, you know, I... I...

It's not that I've
been hurt or anything.

It's not that I'm some sort of psycho.

...and kept telling me,
-You're gonna be my wife.

You're gonna have my babies.-

And, -Don't you like it

when the cum squirts all over your eggs?-

And I'm like, -What are you talking about?-

So I basically pushed him off of me,

and I noticed that
he did come on me.

He poked a hole in the condom.

Um, I can go...

- Both ways?
- Yes.

In real life, or for a movie?

What's the difference?

Well, last week I shot
a national commercial,

and today I have three auditions
for some TV pilots,

and next week I have a spot
on The Bold and The Beautiful,

which I'm like,

really positive move for me.

- That's great.
- Oh, and I just met Rover Murdick.

And he wants to do an entire project
around my aura.

So I'm, like, really
blessed about that.

Very, very blessed about that.

How are you?

I don't get it. What do you mean?

How am I physically?

Like my core? My being?

I asked you to tell me
more about yourself,

and you told me how your
business is going, and...

So I was just curious
how you're doing, you know.

I get it. I get it. Yeah.

Well, I have allergies
bordering on chronic asthma

and a nasty yeast infection.

And my publicist is doing this really
great endorsement tie-in thing with it.

Oh, here's the thing.

Mercury is in retrograde right now,

so...

even if you offered me the part,

I can't do it.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Did you say
that... that they're doing

a promotional campaign
on your little problem down there?

Sort of like that, yeah.

How does that work?

Well, it's, um,
Vagina Awareness Week.

Let's see...

somebody who's passionate.

Somebody who has dreams
and ambition

and supports mine.

Lenny, hey, hi.

-Lenny, hi?-

Where the hell are you?

Lenny, I explained everything

about my game plan
in the note I left you.

-Had to go. Know you'll understand.
Love, Marina.-

That note?

Uh, that's the one.

You know how hard it is
to find a great assistant?

I'm sorry, but, uh, even though I love you,

you're fired.

I'm gonna be an actress.

If it kills me,

I'm gonna do this.

Meant to be we,

or not meant to be we.

I prefer to exist alone

rather than partake
in a meaningless love.

I seek completeness.

And I shall one day shareth it,

wheneth my true king thy come,

and I your true queen shall be done.

Never me,

always we.

Bravo, bravo.

You liked it?

Yeah.

What the hell was it?

Oh, it was just something I wrote
on my way across country.

So how do you like Hollywood so far?

So far, so good.

It'll be better when my dog and I
have a place we can call home.

Where are you living now?

Oh, well, it's kind of embarrassing.

Oh, really? What,
are you in Orange County?

I've been sleeping in my car.

Well, that's not embarrassing.

- Right.
- No, it's really not.

L... You know...
I've...

I've slept in... in my car before.

And I don't know about you,
but I... I had fun.

It's... It's kinda like camping.

Okay, good.

What's the clapping for?

The song is over.

What song?

On the sound system.

Right.

So, how's it going with the movie?

Glenn?

We listening to the music again?

I had a dream last night
that Don Knotts tried to kill me.

That's disturbing.

It was.

I bet.

Especially since he is so beloved.

Right.

Do you like me?

Oh, wow.

You know, I don't know you so well, Glenn.

That's kind of hard
to comment on right now.

Do you hate me?

No.

But if you give me a minute...

Well, if you don't like me

and you don't hate me,

you love me.

Excuse me?

Well, first you like someone,
then you love someone.

Then you hate someone.

Love is in between like and hate.

So, you don't like me,

you don't hate me.

You love me.

Wow.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Okay.

- Hello?
- I didn't hear your phone ring.

It's... It's on silent.
It's just this little light.

Yeah. No, I'm here.

Yeah, sure. No problem.

Yeah, like, I can be there in ten minutes.

Yeah, okay. Thanks. Bye.

Oh, drag. I gotta go to work.

Sucks. Hate it there.

But, you know, it pays the bills,

so I'm sorry, I gotta go.

Can I help you?

- Can I help you?
- Help me?

- Yeah.
- No. No, I think I'm good.

But, well, thanks anyway.

Okay? See you.

Thank you for wearing
those shoes.

You know, the auditions?

Right, so we're still
in audition mode?

What, did you think this was
some sort of date?

Oh, I don't know.

L...

Would you go
on a date with me?

I mean, maybe if you weren't
the producer of this movie.

If my boyfriend promises
to eat at my restaurant

and my restaurant only,

that I'm open 24 hours a day,
7 days a week.

Your style is so, like, rock star.

- Really? L... I play music, too.
- No way.

- I'm a singer and a songwriter as well.
- That's so amazing.

I actually have one of my CDs on me.

- You do?
- Yeah.

Here. Special for you.

Lucky girl. I get to listen to this?

- Keep it. It's yours.
- Thank you.

- Absolutely.
- This is so crazy,

because actually
I'm a singer as well.

- You are?
- I know I didn't tell you at the audition, but...

- Really?
- Yeah.

I have a recording studio
back at my apartment.

- That's so cool.
- Yeah.

Cheers.

Whoo! Oh, that's so hard to do.

Yeah, it's hot in here.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Wow.

Look at you.

Yeah, look at me, right?

Look at me.

Yeah.

So, listen, I'm gonna...
I'm gonna play the axe here.

- Okay.
- All right?

This is the song that's
gonna be in the video.

Oh, cool.
Okay.

1! 2! 3! 4!

Under the covers, foggin' up the sheets

Under the covers finding
somethin' good to eat

- Yes.
- Oh! Wait, Sherman! No. I don't know...

Sherman, wait. Sherman, wait.

I don't... We shouldn't do this

because I don't want you to lose respect
for me as an artist.

- Hold on! Okay, wait, wait.
- I respect you.

We're artists. We're open-minded.

Wait a second. What about...

Shouldn't we wait till the wrap party
at least or som...

Okay, hold on. Wait, wait, wait, Listen.

Don't you... Oh... I...
Do you have a girlfriend?

- No.
- Are you sure?

- I would never cheat.
- Oh. Oh.

Wait, are you gonna
call me tomorrow?

Are you gonna call me,
or you... Oh!

- Oh, my!
- Oh, my God!

Oh!

Oh, Sherman.

Oh. Hey, what are you
doing here?

Okay.

Well, it's really good to see you.

All right, why don't you go,

I don't know,
grab a table or something,

and I'll get you a drink, okay?

I want a prunsky.

Prunksy? I don't know what that is.
What's in that?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
No prunskies here, buddy.

Thank you.

Hi. I'm not interrupting
something, am I?

No, no, no. Come on in.

You guys remember
Reseda Camarillo.

Good to see you guys again.

- How you doing? Good to see you.
- Hi, baby.

- Good to see you.
- Hi.

I just wanted you to know
that I made dinner reservations

- at Augo's at 8:00.
- Okay.

Is that good for you?
Do you think he'll be done by 8:00?

Will he be done at 8:00?

- We had some budget cuts, okay?
- Yeah.

And we have to eliminate
some parts in the movie.

Yeah, I'm really, really sorry.

What does that mean?

We had to cut your part
out of the movie, okay?

- My part out of the movie?
- Yes. Yes.

I am so sorry. I am...
It's out of my control.

But I... I slept with you.

And I appreciate that. I really do.

I mean,

what am I supposed to say?

Thank you.

I broke up with my boyfriend.

So get back together with him.

It's not that complicated.
Really. It's not too late.

I never sleep with anybody
on the first date,

and I think I'm in love with you.

Hold on for a second.
I gotta take this.

Oh, God.

Hello?

You owe me.

Oh, my God.

- Hi.
- Hey.

I'm Nikita.
I'm here for the auditions.

- They're over.
- Yeah.

Do you play the guitar?

Yeah. Yeah, I do.

Oh, wow.

Oh, my God. There's something

about a man that can
play an instrument

that just makes me... hot.

Ooh, yeah.

Listen, um...

Let me walk you to your car. I have an idea.

- Oh.
- Okay?

But what about the audition?

I, uh... Even though
we're in callbacks,

I'll read you, okay?

- In the car?
- No, no, no, no.

A little later.

And maybe something
can happen between us.

We just, you know... We can't do it here.

Do you know what I mean?

- Okay? Okay, yeah.
- Yeah?

Definitely.

All right? Audition time. You ready?

Oh, no, no, no,
no, no, not that easy.

You need to play a song
for me on your guitar,

and then I'll audition.

Oh, if it's for you? I'll
do anything for you, baby.

Anything, okay?

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God. I almost climaxed.

That was good, right?

Yes, it was.

Have you ever had an orgasm
while playing the guitar?

Well, you know, there is this sort of, uh,

euphoria that comes over
you when you play, you know?

No, no, no.

I mean an actual, like...

orgasm.

No.

Well, let's take care of that, Papi.

You're a great girl, you know that?

Okay.

L... Listen... I... I can't...

No, play! Play!

- L... I can't do it.
- Keep playing. It's beautiful.

Listen, I, uh...

- I... I can't do it. It... It...
- Play it, bitch!

- Listen, I...
- Play that fucking guitar.

I can't split my brain up.

I can't...

You can come in my hair.

We found what we're looking for,

and you, you,
and you got the part.

- Oh, my God!
- What? Shut up!

Oh, my God! Congratulations!

Oh, my God. Without...
Wait, I didn't even read.

The new cast for Perfect For Me.

- Oh, My God!
- Oh, my gosh. That was so easy.

Got champagne. Congratulations, guys.
It's gonna be fun.

So when do we get a script?

Richie?

The script is at the printers.

Yeah, the printers. Exactly.

Cool.

Okay.

- So what is it about?
- It's about women.

- Yeah, women.
- And men?

No, no men.

I don't do girl on girl.

Oh, I do.

So when do we start shooting?

Uh, soon.

Yes, it's right around the corner.

We're shooting around the corner?

The studio in Hollywood.

We're gonna...
The big one where everyone shoots.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I wish that there were more producers
like you guys, 'cause you rock.

Copy down every line
of the English subtitles,

and that's our script.

That's a lot of work, man.

So we'll make Glenn do it.

It's so obscure, no one's gonna know
where we got it from.

I'm proud of you.

It took a while, but you are finally here.

Good work. All right.

You want a pad and a pen?

I'm Leland Briskin. Don't judge me
by this ridiculous badge.

It was taken off a dead
tour guide some time ago.

But pay attention to what
I'm about to tell you.

First of all,
hang very close together.

You're not to annoy
the stars at any time.

Action.

Did any of you ever
remember the film...

probably many of you are
too young, gazing about...

Sunset Boulevard?

I can tell you, I was a director.

Well, not a full director.

I was an A.D., and I was damn good.

I had too many affairs.

Anyway, don't use your cameras.

And the stars,

if they appear to be odd to you,

to be a little bit different,

a little off-bubble, as we say,

don't bother them.

They're here for a reason: To shoot.

Sometimes each other,
I suppose. I don't know.

Yes, what is it?

How do you make a film?

-How do make a film?-

Now stop it.

By the way, I'm not supposed to take tips,

but I want something.

Gosh, the lighting
is just perfect, you see.

Just overhead.
Look up, my dear.

Don't do everything you're told.
Yes, I'll look up.

Stop for a moment.

The arch here was used
in The Fall of the Roman Empire,

and they brought it back from Rome,

where they shot also in Spain,

and left this exact place
where all those...

I can't remember all the actors...

but isn't it marvelous, you see?

And they, of course, painted over it.

Robin Hood was shot...

I don't know if you
remember Errol Flynn...

fantastic actor...

And, of course, Olivia de Havilland,
Basil Rathbone...

It was all shot inside.

Oh, it's them. Hi.

Yeah, we're out front.

Okay. Okay, bye.

What are you doing on the phone?

Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry.

How rude. It's the second
time I've caught you.

First it was the watch,
and now you're talking on the phone.

Do you have a cell phone?

Yes, I do. But it's in my pocket.

I don't care to see it.

- Well, I wasn't going...
- Yes, what does he want?

Could we use the bathroom?

I'm a Christian Scientist.
I don't have to go at all.

Thank God, they just called.

They're gonna come
and get us out front.

- What's going on?
- I don't know.

They said our names
weren't in the system.

So embarrassing.

Richie, come here.

- Come on, let's go. Act like you belong.
- I want to finish the tour.

This is where Lassie took a dump.

Hey!

Hey! How you doing? What's up guys?

Yeah. What are you talking about?

You gotta be kidding me.

You tell him he's an asshole.

And you tell him I said that
to his face, all right?

I am so sorry. It's been a crazy day.

Yeah, lots of big
Hollywood meetings in there.

Wow.

We were hoping you guys
could, like, show us around.

Maybe show us, like, your office and...

Oh, yeah. You're gonna see
plenty of the studio

- when you're shooting.
- Right.

You're probably gonna get sick of it,

'cause you're gonna
be living here so much.

But, um, we actually
have to go, you girls,

because, uh, we're running late
to another meeting,

so I'm really sorry.

What the devil's going on?

I'm talking to you over there.

How dare you go off limits!

I think that old guy
is calling you guys.

I've begged you, begged you
and all the rest...

Just ignore him. He's crazy.

Excuse me for a second.

He's not talking to...

...not to go wander
out into the streets.

Do you understand that?

You are delusional!

That's a big word for a little chap.

You are not working
on this picture, okay?

- I gave you a chance...
- I told you never to break away.

What the devil's your name?

- Sherman Oaks!
- I won't have it.

- Oh, God.
- Is there a problem?

Yes. This young chap,
Sherman Oaks.

Isn't that something for you?

This guy stole the lighting grid
on my last picture,

- and we fired him!
- I want this man arrested.

He's unwilling to accept it, okay?

And he's making terrorist threats to my
crew and more importantly to my family!

I love that scene.

God, you were good for the first time.

- See what I'm saying? He's delusional.
- Excellent.

This man's out of his mind.
Get your hands off me.

I'm not gonna stand for this stuff!

Sorry, sir. We'll take it from here.

- What do you mean?
- Come on, Leland.

Just a moment.
I know what you're saying.

We're doing a prison picture, aren't we?

Honey, I've never seen you like this.

And it is sexy.

Do you think you guys are okay?

Yeah, everything's fine.

It's a tough business,

but, you know, you gotta love it.

Cheers.

Me, too.

Look, he's still working on it.

- It's a little strong.
- I'll show you how to do it.

Watch this.

Where are we going?

Richie, I... I gotta go.

L... I can't.

What are you
working on right now?

His movie, Perfect For Me.

- Perfect For Me.
- Yeah, it's an independent.

- Yeah, they all are.
- And I'm the lead.

You're the lead?

Gosh, that's beautiful.

- Well, one of the leads.
- Naturally.

This is dedicated to Laurel Canyon.

I have a growing obsession with you.

I have a growing obsession inside me.

I want to be with you.

It's like an involuntary muscle.

Flexed.

Engorged with its load.

It's got to explode!

Dreams are forever
in this game that we play.

I can't give you up.
You won't go away.

Is it fate?

It is I... Glenn.

I think it's a good time to get outta here.

The door, the door,
what's behind the door?

Behind the door, another door.

Behind the door, another door.

Behind the door!

Another door.

When a love burns this bright,

they call it starlight.

I have a growing
obsession inside me.

This is a little uncomfortable.

We should applaud here.

Yeah, fuck that. I'm outta here.

Obsessive-compulsive has
such a negative connotation to it,

when really we're the ones
who are willing to show

what human behavior is really like.

You know, all the ones that hide
their idiosyncratic eccentricities,

those are the ones to be afraid of,

'cause they're walking time bombs.

You liked it?

I didn't like it.

I didn't hate it.

I see your insanity.

I love it.

Prunsky?

The words that you spoke.

It was a very memorable moment.

- Thank you, Richie. Thank you.
- You're welcome.

You know, when I was 12,

I was in love with a girl my age.

I was awkward then.

Got so I couldn't speak to her at all.

So I got myself some chloroform,
a blanket, and some tape...

Um... Glen...

please don't tell me any more.

It could be incriminating.

Yes.

That looks like Mr. Teets.

It is Mr. Teets.

It's... And Marina.

Excuse me, sir.
Excuse me, sir.

Hello! Hello.

There's a woman in the car.

- You can't tow the car.
- I don't speak English.

What happened?

I don't speak English.

Mama, come.
Come. She's coming.

Come with me. You come.

Fresh handkerchief?

Thank you.

You're welcome.

It's okay. You can come in.

All right.

Hello.

- Can you put that away?
- Why?

'Cause I said I wanted to act,
not end up on the internet.

This is part of the movie.

Your personal movie, maybe.

All right. You could just drink it
straight out of the bottle.

- That's fine.
- Sick!

Don't watch me when I spit. You promise?

- Okay.
- I'm serious.

All right. I won't watch you when you spit.

You rinse and then...

That's really gross.

I know! I told you not to watch me.

That's nice.

You know, you're welcome to use my bed.

I won't be in it, of course.

I could sleep on the sofa.

I should get dressed.

Do you want to help me?

Just hold this like that.

Oh, hold it... Okay.

All right.

Okay, hold on.

Bottoms are on. Are you peeking?

- Me?
- Yeah.

Do you feel pretty steady there?

Oh, yeah.

All right.

You can drop it now.

Okay, on 3. 1, 2...

So...

What?

Well, here we are.

Yeah?

In my bathroom.

Richie, if you're gonna kiss me,
you should just kiss me.

Okay.

Okay.

Right.

Then that happened.

So I'm gonna go...

- sleep in my bed.
- Yeah.

And you're gonna go in your car.

Get into my Element.

- Okay. Good night.
- All right. Thanks for the shower.

- Thank you. Yes.
- Bye.

She's in her car in my driveway sleeping.

I'm gonna tell her the truth, man.

Yes.

What if I hurt her, you know?

I don't want to... If I tell her the
truth, she might freak out the other girls

And I don't wanna ruin
what's going on for you guys.

Oh, my God. Yes.

Oh, yeah. You like that?

Oh, just take it in. Do you like it?

It's just something I gotta tell you.

The casting agency,
it's more like, uh...

like a dating service thing.

Good morning!

Uh... Lenny... Richie...

Richie is the producer
of the film I'm working on.

Oh, right! Yeah. Hi.

I'm her boyfriend.

Oh, so this is what a producer does.

What are you doing?

That's it. I'm out.

What do you mean you're out? Hey! Come on!

We're having a little bit
too much fun here, Richie!

Listen, listen, listen!

This is making a big difference
in my life, Richie, okay?

Stopl Listenl

I already have a second
film lined up with thisl

Stopping this would be insanel
What are you doing?

No, the insane thing is that you're
just in it to get your jollies off.

You realize that you are always thinking
about your penis.

It's all about the penis
for you, isn't it?

There's a name for that disease.

It's called castration anxiety.

Oh, gosh, Sherman, I had no idea.

Listen, you're just, like...

You're just fired up by that guy Lenny.

Lenny is not the issue.

Lenny is a reminder that these girls
are only hanging out with us

because they think
we're making a movie

- We are making a moviel
- We not making a moviel

Can you hear yourself?

Come onl Don't you remember?

We started this so we could find girls who
were meaningful.

- Oh, meaningful. Come onl
- You know what?

Your sex-fest is over, jackass!

How are we gonna get
out of this mess, huh?

Sherman Oaks!

God's gonna punish us
for the things that we've done

when we least expect it.

God!

You know, I'm gonna
tell Marina the truth.

That's my choice.

And I suggest that you guys
do the same for your girls.

I like Laurel. I don't
want to tell her the truth.

Glenn...

it's time to grow up, man.

What am I talking about?

It's time for both of us to grow up.

It's a good script, Richie.

Okay, and take the rest of the money
and dump it in the Nikkei.

I feel a surge coming.

- We're all set.
- Okay. Thank you.

NASDAQ's dead.

Are you sure about this acting thing?

Are you still on the phone?

I am. I'm off, but he's on hold.
I'm on hold. You are...

Just take it out of your ear, okay?

Take it out!

You're never listening to me.

California is the Granola
State, you know that?

Fruits, nuts, and flakes.
You gotta be careful out here.

Here's where I'm staying.

You can have turned-down sheets
and nice pillows,

or you can sleep in the truck

and hand out your headshot
on Hollywood Boulevard.

I want you to think about that.

Teets?

Teezo!

What, are you claiming the bed already?

He's a cool guy, but let's get
to know him a little bit better

before you start moving in, okay?

Come on!

Come here!

Oh, sorry.

Hey, uh... what is this?

It's a internet dating service.

It's PerfectForMe. Com

Is... Is this part of
the audition process?

Am I... being filmed right now?
Is this a joke?

Okay. Um...

Look, the casting agency...

uh, was... was created in the hopes...
that we would find our... soul mates.

What?

The casting agency...

was created in the hopes
that we would find our soul mates.

So what you're saying is...

That the casting agency was created

in the hopes that we would
find our soul mates.

Oh, God.

What about the movie?

What movie?

I can't believe that I let myself like you!

I mean, all this time,
everything you said to me!

I trusted you! And everything...

I don't even know what to say!

I'm so shocked by this whole situation!

- I didn't think...
- Don't talk!

Just don't talk! L...

I don't know!

Can I talk now?

Thank you.

Look, Marina...
it's a mating call.

That's what it is. It's a mating call.

What? What are you talking about?

The casting call.
It was my mating call, you know?

Okay, you're crazy.

Yeah... No, I'm not cra...

I'm leaving. I'm leaving, okay?

- Bye!
- Bye.

...as an artistl
Hold onl Okay, wait, waitl

Marina, it's Nikita.

Okay, girls, I'm just gonna give it to you
straight, okay?

I'm not an actress.

I was assigned to investigate this case

because we got complaints
from some of the girls that came in

and auditioned for the guys.

-Complaints were filed against the
producers of the film Perfect For Me:

Richie Ray, Sherman Oaks,
and Glenn Dale.-

What?

-Actresses came in, auditioned,

-was invited to lunch,
was promised a part,

-got personally and intimately
involved with one of the guys.

-Then she was told
that because some financing fell through,

she was no longer in the film. -

And you're positive?

I mean, you're positive that these
are our guys from our movie?

If you look here,
the only -Perfect For Me- that exists

is a PerfectForMe. Com
internet dating service,

which I found on Dogpile. Com

I don't normally use the internet to date
'cause I don't need to.

I can't believe these guys!

And you'd be surprised.

This isn't the only time
things like this happen.

They happen all over the place,
all over the country.

Okay, so what do we do?
How do we get them back?

If you girls want in on this,

and you want to help me
with that, that's fine.

But I'm gonna bring these guys down.

You guys, I don't know.

I know a guy that breaks legs for cheap.

Well, good. We may need to hire him.

- I don't...
- Marina! You need to take care of yourself.

You're straight off the bus.

You don't know anything
about this business.

It's dirty and it's ugly.

I can't even believe
I was fooled by these guys.

Well, I can believe you were fooled by it.

- Are you in?
- I mean...

Marina, are you in?

I guess I am, yeah.

You guess you're in?

I'm in.

I mean, I'll do
what you need me to do.

- Power out.
- Fuck those guys.

Listen, Richie, the girls
just called, all right?

They want to rehearse.

I say we do it, man.

Oh, that's... that's
a fantastic idea, Sherman.

In fact, why do we need
to rehearse?

Why don't we just shoot the movie?

You know what? Hold on.

I'm getting a beep, okay?
I'll be... Hold on.

- Hello?
- Hi. It's Marina.

Marina...

Richie, look,
I get what you were saying.

I understand the whole
-mating call- thing.

I mean, it's a little crazy, but...

I get it. And, um...

I'm not gonna tell anybody about this.

I think we should just
keep it between us.

But seriously,

I think you should
make this movie, Richie.

I really think that you
have a great script.

You have a great cast.

We're dedicated, and you
have the money, so...

It's... It's a good script.

I really think you should consider it.

But, you know, as far as we go,
there's no hard feelings.

I'm not mad.

Really?

Yeah.

Can you... Can you hold on?

Sherman. Hey,
how does tomorrow sound?

Well? Did he fall for it?

I think so.

That wasn't half bad, that acting job.

-Tizzyanna, I love
the lettuce on your lips.-

-Don't try to confuse me.
Marcello is mine.-

Script is awesome.

What we really feel like it needs

is just some more steamy
kind of sexual stuff.

Yeah, I mean, it'll really
help sell the film, guys.

I mean, especially
in the foreign market.

And I'm totally open to nudity.

Yeah, we wanna do, like,
some hard-core stuff.

When do we start shooting?

I guess what we're trying to say

is that, you know, we understand

that there aren't really men in the film.

What would be great is
if we could maybe use you guys

to practice the sex on.

We want to have sex with you guys
and videotape it.

I...

Okay, wait, wait.

Why do you want to do that?

Richie, the girls have a great idea here.

I mean...

Well, we just, you know,

want to watch it back and make sure
that it's good and...

And then have more sex.

Right? And watch it
and practice harder

and harder and again and again.

Uh, with us?

Oh, yeah, Over and over.

Like, in and out, and, you know,
whatever you guys are into.

I'm open to lots of things.

I've had sex with a midget,
so I'm game.

That's fantastic.

It's really common on movies.

A lot of times they have sex counselors,

and you guys would be, like...
kind of like our sex, like...

- counselors.
- Mentors.

Yeah, so then when we shoot the film,
it'll be, like, amazing sex.

Some of the juiciest movies had really
memorable sex scenes.

I don't know if you guys
saw Fatal Attraction or...

Like Water For Chocolate.

- End Of The Affair.
- Good one. Good one.

- Last Tango In Paris.
- Deep Throat.

Platoon.

Agony And The Ecstasy.

- Can't wait.
- Okay, boys.

This is your room and your key,
and this is our room.

And you're not allowed
to come out of your room

until we come and get you, okay?

We're just gonna go in
and, uh... wash up.

Maybe we should wash
our genitals as well.

- Do that.
- Okay.

Let's go.

Marina.

Is this what you really want?

What are you talking about?

Marina, come on!

What do you think is
really going on here?

Richie, sometimes you just
gotta learn to follow, man.

Women, they like that.

Makes them feel like they're in control.

Sherman, they are in control.

There are no towels in here.

Hello?

Are you boys ready for us
to come over and rock your worlds?

All right. Listen, how are we doing this?

Are you girls coming in
one at a time or what?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

We're gonna all come in
at the same time.

It's gonna be like a train.

I gotcha.

We're on! Take off your clothes!

They must never get laid.

Look at them. Never!

Because this is pathetic. This is so bad.

Are you taping this?
I want a copy of this.

Sherman, you can just take all three girls.

I can't do this.

I'll be thinking about you, Richie.

So which one was it?

Which one was what?

Which one of the guys was the one
that slept with that girl?

Why?

I don't know. I just...

curious, I guess.

It was Sherman.
It was Sherman...

the little fucking cocksucker, okay?

How do I look?

Sherman, you should know

nothing's gonna happen between us.

I know. Relax, man.

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Come on in! It's open!

This where they're making a movie?

Uh, Yeah. We're making it
with girls, though.

We are girls!

Wrong room.

No, this looks like
the right room to me,

but, hey, I thought there
was gonna be three of them.

- Two will do.
- Oh, yeah.

Action!

- Oh, yeah!
- No! No!

- Let's go! Party, baby!
- No! Get off me!

No! No! No! No!

Cue the cops!

Police!

Freeze! Put the whip down
and step away from his ass!

I didn't do anything.

Jackpot.

- Come on.
- I didn't do anything.

- Let's go, buddy.
- What are you doing?

- Right out the door.
- I'm innocentl

Yeah, rightl

I'll never survive in here, man.

You got to protect me.

You're gonna love it here.

What are you talking about?

I'm in jail.

You're a big man. I'm a fragile man.

I'm gonna get eaten up here.

I'm gonna get eaten up alive in this place.

You like baseball?

What?

Baseball. You like baseball?

Yeah, I like baseball.

You're gonna love Mondays.

We play baseball
all day long on Mondays.

That's cool.

- You like bowling?
- What?

Yeah. Yeah, I love bowling.

You're gonna love Tuesdays.

We bowl all day long on Tuesdays.

With the female inmates, too!

- Really?
- Yeah.

That's cool. That's good.

- Tell me something.
- What?

- You like sucking dick?
- What? No!

- You like getting rammed up the butt?
- No!

Of course not! God!

You're gonna hate Wednesdays.

Let's have a little quiet.

I have reviewed
the testimony at hand.

I must inform you all
that under California law

the maximum penalty
for this crime of fraud

is 10 to 15 years' imprisonment

and a fine of up to $250,000

with no possibility for parole.

We need to buy some time.

Uh, Your Honor, may I...

Yes, you may.

I'd like to request a 24-hour stay

so that my clients
may prevent evidence...

Present or prevent?

Forgive me. Let me correct myself.

So my clients may present evidence
to support the fact

that they indeed had every
intention of making a movie.

Objection, Your Honor.

The defendants have
demonstrated malice

and fraudulent intent with cause,

and I move to impose
a summary sentence...

Your Honor, summary sentence?

Are we in some foreign country
here, Your Honor?

I had to wait an hour and a half for you
to spit out what you just said!

Quiet in Mendel's court!

Solomon Mendel does not stand
for this kind of noise!

Don't interrupt the judge!

I apologize for... I apologize...

Are you a wise guy?

- Me?
- Yeah, you.

No.

You seem to be a wise guy, Mr. D.A.

Don't be wise with me.

Thank you, Your Honor.

You're very welcome.

Bail will be set at $10,000 each.

It's not negotiable,

so don't ask me if I want
to be in your movie.

Defendants will have 24 hours
in which to present evidence to this court

until we reconvene
here tomorrow at 9 A. M.

And I mean sharp!

I don't want 5 after 9.

I don't want 10 after 9.

If you're gonna have your oatmeal,
have it at 8:00 in the morning.

Get here before 9.
You understand that?

9 A. M. It is, Your Honor.

5 to 9 is even better.

Your Honor, I can explain tomorrow.

It'll all be clear tomorrow.

You don't have to apologize,
just lose a couple of pounds.

Let's go, ladies.
Back to the day spa.

Sorry. This is all my fault, guys.

- I came clean with Marina. I'm sorry.
- Let's go!

I'm sorry.

You better come up with something
by tomorrow, Mr. Rey,

or we are gonna go down.

Not me. You. You guys are
gonna go down big-time.

I've got JVC flat screensl

I've got Pioneer Pure Visionl

I have flat screensl

Policel

Perfect. My life is a reality show.

All rise for the honorable
Judge Solomon Mendel.

Good morning. Morning.

Sorry I'm late.
My hybrid wouldn't start.

It's a pain in the neck. It's a good car.

I'm getting good mileage.

It's my wife's car.

Had some problems with it.

It usually goes like that.

I'm getting 40 miles to the gallon.

It's a great car. Great car.

If they'll ever end this Iraqi thing,

maybe I'll get something
other than this car.

But I still like the car. Anyway...

Mr. Public Defender,

are your clients ready
to present their evidence?

Where is he?

Uh, yes. Your Honor, at this time,

I would like to, um...

I would like to request
a 15-minute recess.

15 minutes? We just got here!

Objection, Your Honor.

He's starting this all over again!

Your case is that you have no case!

Sustained!

Do you hear? Are you deaf?

- Sorry, Your Honor.
- All right?

I see no other way to go here
but to proceed forth with a verdict.

In the case of California vs.
The Producers of Perfect For Me,

I find the defendants guilty as charged.

Wait, wait, wait a second.

Excuse me.

Sorry.

What's going on? What's this?

I hope this outburst has something
to do with your defense!

Yes, it does, Your Honor.
Yes, it does.

At this point, I would like to
submit to the court Exhibit A.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Is that a flat screen?

Yeah, this is a flat screen
JVC, 1500 pixel 32-inch

with hi-def upgradeable.

I was thinking of getting one.

- Go ahead. Proceed.
- Good, Your Honor.

It's a fantastic set.

Your Honor, we'd like to show a tape.

This is highly irregular, Your Honor.

I know it's irregular, but let's get to it.

Your Honor, we'd like to show a tape

which will, I believe,
exonerate my defendants.

I believe it will, Your Honor.

Mr. Rey, please show the tape.

The final cast was selected
based upon their overall qualities

that set them apart
from everyone else that we auditioned.

I do remember my first audition.

I was, um... I think I was 5,

and it was for, um,
Coppertone suntan oil.

Well, I just went to Manhattan

'cause I lived in Jersey,

and, um, I got a job on a cruise ship
for six months in the Caribbean.

They said, -Get down
in your bathing suits.-

And I was like, -Oh, my God.
I don't have a bathing suit on.-

And I was, like, -I'm perfect for this.-

'Cause I was tanned,
always at the beach, and...

Yeah, I just stripped down
and got down in my undies.

Every day is an audition for me, so...

I had to strip. I started very early.

So I danced on a cruise
ship, and I got so fat

because I only danced two days a week,
on Tuesday and Friday.

Rolls hanging out.

And after, like, five months,
they fired me 'cause I got too fat.

I did Tony n' Tina's Wedding
off-Broadway.

It was very cool.

That was my first official show.

And I decided to go, um,
in roller skates

because I wanted to go very different.

I was so excited.

I was like, -This is it. This is it.-

I went, -This is it?-

I was like...

I was just like this big, fat, porky dancer.

And this beautiful blonde,
like, came on the ship,

and they literally, like, threw me off.

I promise I won't bite you.

I'm just gonna grab you like this,

and we're gonna go for
a little bit of a roll.

I want a man who I can treat
like the king that he is.

Ohl Give it to mel Give it to me, babyl

I got, like, a revelation from God
when I was a little girl,

and it said, "You are
meant to be a star.

They were funny.

They were beautiful, talented,
and smart and soulful.

They were perfect.
It's just like the ad says.

On behalf of the boys,

I would like to apologize to
Marina and Laurel and Nikita

for not being able to let
you in on the secret

that we were shooting a reality show

and that the casting agency
was not real.

What is this, The English Patient?

With this new evidence,

I move that we find my defendants
not guilty, Your Honor.

This is ridiculous, Your Honor.

It's possible. I'm pondering this.

In light of the new evidence,
I find the defendants...

not guilty as charged.

Curiosity, rubber neck,

freak-show thing I'm
experimenting with here.

Well, hello there.

I'm Melanie, and I'm from Texas.

I have a beautiful sister and...

we can all three go out.

Wow. I gotta tell you
I am, like, so happy

that you finally emailed me.

I totally had a feeling today
that you were gonna definitely email me.

Sometimes I'm psychic.
I mean, it's scary.

So I got your picture.
You are totally hot.

What are you doing here, Richie?

Hey, Mr. Teets.

I screwed up big-time.

You forgive me, though,
don't you? Yeah.

Your mommy got her revenge.

But you tell your mommy
that I'm sorry and that I miss her.

How could you do that?

I was just talking to Mr. Teets.

No, I'm not talking about that.

I'm not talking about all of
the reality-show bullshit.

Marina, don't you understand?

You're the one that I've been looking for.

Someone... like you.

Not someone like you. You!

What do I have to do,
produce another movie?

Hey! Look who's here! Cecil B. DeMille.

Where's the food plate?

By the way, when's that
movie coming out? 3 to 5?

That's what I thought.

Good boy, Mr. Teets.
That's a good boy.

Give me a kiss.

All right. Time to break him free.

Your bags...

Yeah, I'm not going anywhere.

I don't need a man in my life
just to follow my dreams, Richie.

Okay.

You give up so easily.

You're not even gonna,
like, try to fight for me?

Convince me? Maybe...

flowers would be nice.

Unless chivalry is completely dead to you

and you just don't believe
in that type of thing.

That's fine.

I mean, clearly, I'm not
the girl of your dreams.

Clearly that you wanna
keep looking, I guess.

You're right. I do want to keep looking.

I guess there are other people out there
that might be perfect for you.

I'll take that as a no?

Next.

Hello.

Next.

No, thank you.

Next.

Hello. I'm Nikita. I'm the producer.

Nice to meet you.

How old are you?

- 25.
- Perfect.

Would you mind just
spinning around for me?

The project's called Fresh Meat.

Azione.

Sola. Sola.

Sempre sola.

Stop.

Okay, I think we're gonna use that take.

That was really... That was the one.

- He didn't like it?
- No, no, no.

It's perfect. Don't worry.

- Perfect.
- You sure? I can do it again.

I've been diagnosed.

Um, I'm a sex addict.

I mean, don't...
don't tell anybody about it, please.

Just 'cause I'm...

I'm, really, you know,
shy about that, actually.

- A sex addict?
- Yeah.

That's funny. Next thing
you're gonna tell me

that you're starting a therapy group

so you can meet girls
who are also sex addicts.

That's a great idea.