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1
00:00:05,239 --> 00:00:06,607
[JAMES BROWN "SEX MACHINE"]
* GIT UP!
GIT ON UP *
2
00:00:06,640 --> 00:00:08,509
* GIT UP!
GIT ON UP *
3
00:00:08,542 --> 00:00:10,444
* STAY ON THE SCENE,
GIT ON UP *
4
00:00:10,478 --> 00:00:13,147
* LIKE A SEX MACHINE,
GIT ON UP *
5
00:00:13,181 --> 00:00:15,116
* GIT UP!
GIT ON UP *
6
00:00:15,149 --> 00:00:16,950
* STAY ON THE SCENE,
GIT ON UP *
7
00:00:16,984 --> 00:00:18,186
* LIKE A SEX MACHINE --
8
00:00:18,219 --> 00:00:19,887
[CLICK]
9
00:00:19,920 --> 00:00:21,455
YOU NOTICE
HOW THIS JAMES BROWN
10
00:00:21,489 --> 00:00:23,157
IS ALWAYS
GETTING SOMEWHERE?
11
00:00:23,191 --> 00:00:26,494
HE'S GETTING UP,
GETTING DOWN,
GETTING BACK...
12
00:00:26,527 --> 00:00:29,797
WE SHOULD CONTACT HIM--
AS PART OF OUR STUDY
OF LIFE HERE.
13
00:00:29,830 --> 00:00:34,768
BUT ACCORDING TO THIS,
HE'S MORE OF A MACHINE,
A SEX MACHINE.
14
00:00:34,802 --> 00:00:38,272
OH, LOOK.
IT'S THE CAMPUS
POLICE.
15
00:00:38,306 --> 00:00:40,141
IS THERE A PROBLEM?
16
00:00:40,174 --> 00:00:41,475
OH, ACTUALLY, YES.
17
00:00:41,509 --> 00:00:45,012
THERE'S A STAR MISSING--
RIGHT THERE.
18
00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:48,116
AND WE THINK
WE KNOW WHO DID IT.
19
00:00:48,149 --> 00:00:49,517
THIS IS YOUR FAMILY?
20
00:00:49,550 --> 00:00:52,686
WHY, YES. THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT WE WERE GOING FOR.
21
00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:54,722
SALLY'S THE WOMAN,
I'M THE TALL, DASHING MAN,
22
00:00:54,755 --> 00:00:57,158
TOMMY'S THE ADOLESCENT,
AND HARRY'S...
23
00:00:57,191 --> 00:00:58,859
THE FUNNY-LOOKING ONE.
24
00:00:58,892 --> 00:01:00,861
LET'S SEE YOUR DRIVER'S
LICENSE, PLEASE.
25
00:01:00,894 --> 00:01:03,731
WHY? WE'RE
NOT DRIVING.
WE'RE PARKED.
26
00:01:03,764 --> 00:01:05,999
BUT YOU'RE PARKED ON
UNIVERSITY PROPERTY.
27
00:01:06,033 --> 00:01:08,569
OH, I AM UNIVERSITY
PROPERTY.
28
00:01:08,602 --> 00:01:10,438
HERE'S MY PHOTO I.D.
29
00:01:10,471 --> 00:01:11,805
IT'S JUST MY HEAD,
30
00:01:11,839 --> 00:01:15,909
BUT I ASSURE YOU
THE REST IS
ANATOMICALLY CORRECT.
31
00:01:15,943 --> 00:01:18,146
DR. SOLOMON,
IT'S 2 A.M.,
32
00:01:18,179 --> 00:01:19,413
SO LET'S
PACK THIS UP
AND MOVE OUT.
33
00:01:19,447 --> 00:01:21,215
RIGHT AWAY.
34
00:01:21,249 --> 00:01:22,783
WHAT'S A DRIVER'S
LICENSE?
35
00:01:22,816 --> 00:01:25,219
SOME KIND OF
HUMAN VALIDATION.
36
00:01:25,253 --> 00:01:26,987
WE SHOULD GET ONE
TO BLEND IN.
37
00:01:27,020 --> 00:01:28,021
I'M ON IT.
38
00:01:28,055 --> 00:01:30,658
[JOE COCKER SINGING
YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL]
39
00:01:30,691 --> 00:01:33,894
LISTEN.
IT'S THAT GUY AGAIN.
40
00:01:33,927 --> 00:01:36,330
GOD, THAT'S AMAZING.
41
00:01:36,364 --> 00:01:38,166
HOW DOES HE
SING LIKE THAT?
42
00:01:38,199 --> 00:01:42,870
DICK, REMEMBER HOW I SAID
I WANTED TO LEARN TO SING?
43
00:01:42,903 --> 00:01:45,539
I'VE CHANGED MY MIND.
44
00:02:21,609 --> 00:02:24,645
[BUZZING]
45
00:02:34,522 --> 00:02:36,524
WHERE ARE YOU?
46
00:02:37,391 --> 00:02:40,328
VERY WELL.
I CAN WAIT.
47
00:02:40,361 --> 00:02:43,297
YOU'RE NOT WATCHING ME,
I'M NOT WATCHING YOU.
48
00:02:43,331 --> 00:02:44,532
YOU'RE SOMEWHERE
IN THE ROOM.
49
00:02:44,565 --> 00:02:45,933
I CAN FEEL IT.
50
00:02:45,966 --> 00:02:47,368
GOOD MORNING,
DR. SOLOMON.
51
00:02:47,401 --> 00:02:49,169
YAH!
52
00:02:51,805 --> 00:02:52,940
WHAT IS IT, NINA?
53
00:02:52,973 --> 00:02:54,107
HERE'S THE MAIL.
54
00:02:54,141 --> 00:02:57,311
OH. IT'S A LETTER
FOR DR. ALBRIGHT.
55
00:02:57,345 --> 00:02:59,513
SHE'LL HOLD THIS
IN HER DELICATE HAND,
56
00:02:59,547 --> 00:03:02,950
INSERT FINGER
AND RIP THROUGH
THE MUCILAGE.
57
00:03:02,983 --> 00:03:04,585
OH, SHE'S
JUST WONDERFUL.
58
00:03:04,618 --> 00:03:06,554
I KNEW YOU HAD
A THING FOR HER.
59
00:03:06,587 --> 00:03:08,356
YES, BUT I UNDERSTAND
60
00:03:08,389 --> 00:03:13,427
I'M NOT ALLOWED TO
SHOW IT TO HER
WITHOUT HER PERMISSION.
61
00:03:13,461 --> 00:03:14,595
GOOD MORNING,
DR. ALBRIGHT.
62
00:03:14,628 --> 00:03:16,063
GOOD MORNING,
DR. ALBRIGHT.
63
00:03:16,096 --> 00:03:18,899
DR. SOLOMON, I WAS
JUST THINKING OF YOU.
64
00:03:18,932 --> 00:03:19,867
YOU WERE?
65
00:03:19,900 --> 00:03:22,002
I HAVE A RULES COMMITTEE
MEETING FRIDAY NIGHT,
66
00:03:22,035 --> 00:03:24,672
AND I JUST
CAN'T MAKE IT.
67
00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:26,507
IT'S TOO LATE
TO BACK OUT NOW
68
00:03:26,540 --> 00:03:30,344
UNLESS YOU CAN
TALK SOME IDIOT
INTO REPLAC--
69
00:03:30,378 --> 00:03:32,780
OH.
70
00:03:32,813 --> 00:03:35,516
YOU LOOK WONDERFUL.
IS THAT A NEW JACKET?
71
00:03:35,549 --> 00:03:37,718
I'M ENTIRELY NEW.
72
00:03:37,751 --> 00:03:39,853
EVERYONE
ON THE COMMITTEE
WANTS TO MEET YOU.
73
00:03:39,887 --> 00:03:41,021
REALLY?
74
00:03:41,054 --> 00:03:43,624
WE THINK OF YOU
AS THE RESIDENT GENIUS.
75
00:03:43,657 --> 00:03:45,959
PLEASE, I NEED YOU
TO SUBSTITUTE FOR ME.
76
00:03:45,993 --> 00:03:47,060
YOU NEED ME?
77
00:03:47,094 --> 00:03:50,631
I NEVER DREAMED
I'D BE THE MAN
YOU NEEDED.
78
00:03:50,664 --> 00:03:52,366
I NEED YOU
DESPERATELY.
79
00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:54,134
Oh...
80
00:03:54,167 --> 00:03:56,236
TELL ME IF IT'S
GETTING DEEPER.
81
00:03:56,270 --> 00:03:58,572
I'M WEARING
OPEN-TOED SHOES.
82
00:03:58,606 --> 00:04:00,173
BUT I'M
NOT PREPARED.
83
00:04:00,207 --> 00:04:02,710
OH, IT'S A DULL,
MINDLESS GROUP.
84
00:04:02,743 --> 00:04:04,745
IT'S THE NIGHT
OF THE TEACHING DEAD.
85
00:04:04,778 --> 00:04:06,947
MAYBE I'LL
SHAKE THINGS UP.
86
00:04:06,980 --> 00:04:07,848
OH, NO.
87
00:04:07,881 --> 00:04:09,417
THEY WOULDN'T
RECOGNIZE A FRESH IDEA
88
00:04:09,450 --> 00:04:10,518
IF IT BIT THEM
ON THE ASS.
89
00:04:10,551 --> 00:04:14,722
JUST PASS THESE OUT,
PLEASE.
90
00:04:14,755 --> 00:04:16,290
ALL RIGHT,
I'LL DO IT.
91
00:04:16,324 --> 00:04:17,791
THANKS.
YOU SAVED ME.
92
00:04:17,825 --> 00:04:21,261
WELL...I AM
A MANLY MAN.
93
00:04:23,564 --> 00:04:24,665
WELL DONE.
94
00:04:24,698 --> 00:04:28,336
ANOTHER FIVE MINUTES,
HE WOULD HAVE
GIVEN ME A KIDNEY.
95
00:04:34,141 --> 00:04:36,143
NEXT!
96
00:04:37,978 --> 00:04:39,613
I CAN'T BELIEVE
WHAT WE HAVE TO
GO THROUGH
97
00:04:39,647 --> 00:04:40,314
TO GET A LICENSE.
98
00:04:40,348 --> 00:04:42,650
YEAH...
THEN WHY ARE WE HERE?
99
00:04:42,683 --> 00:04:44,418
IF I HAVE TO
BE THE WOMAN,
100
00:04:44,452 --> 00:04:48,188
I'M NOT ABOUT TO BE
STUCK AT HOME.
101
00:04:48,221 --> 00:04:51,024
"STAY BEHIND
ORANGE LINE."
102
00:04:51,058 --> 00:04:53,394
THAT'S WHY
NOBODY EVER GETS
TO THE WINDOW.
103
00:04:53,427 --> 00:04:56,830
HEY, LET'S PULL UP
THE SLACK HERE.
104
00:04:56,864 --> 00:04:57,998
OH. THERE MUST BE
105
00:04:58,031 --> 00:05:01,402
SOME SORT OF
FLESH-MELTING
FORCE FIELD
106
00:05:01,435 --> 00:05:03,270
AT THE ORANGE LINE.
107
00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:03,904
NEXT!
108
00:05:03,937 --> 00:05:06,407
NO-O-O-O-O!
109
00:05:09,309 --> 00:05:12,179
I'M SORRY.
110
00:05:12,212 --> 00:05:15,483
CARS MUST HAVE SOME
HUGE POWER WE HAVEN'T
DISCOVERED YET.
111
00:05:15,516 --> 00:05:17,985
THE LINES, THE WAITING,
THE TESTING...
112
00:05:18,018 --> 00:05:22,756
CAN YOU IMAGINE
WHAT YOU MUST HAVE TO
GO THROUGH TO GET A GUN?
113
00:05:25,158 --> 00:05:26,527
NEXT.
114
00:05:27,861 --> 00:05:28,862
WHAT DON'T THEY GET?
115
00:05:28,896 --> 00:05:30,364
THAT WOMAN
SAYS "NEXT."
116
00:05:30,398 --> 00:05:31,899
THE FIRST PERSON
GETS SERVED.
117
00:05:31,932 --> 00:05:34,402
THE SECOND PERSON
MOVES TO
THE ORANGE LINE,
118
00:05:34,435 --> 00:05:35,703
THE THIRD
BECOMES SECOND,
119
00:05:35,736 --> 00:05:39,940
AND THE REST OF US
PULL UP THE SLACK!
120
00:05:39,973 --> 00:05:41,409
THERE ARE
TOO MANY GAPS.
121
00:05:41,442 --> 00:05:44,044
WE SHOULD BE
A SINGLE-PERSON
THICKNESS APART.
122
00:05:44,077 --> 00:05:45,579
GOOD POINT.
123
00:05:46,279 --> 00:05:47,948
I THINK EVERYONE
SHOULD HEAR IT.
124
00:05:47,981 --> 00:05:50,250
YOU THINK SO?
125
00:05:50,283 --> 00:05:53,521
O.K., PEOPLE, LISTEN UP
AND NOBODY GETS HURT!
126
00:06:01,161 --> 00:06:04,965
TOMMY, HAVE YOU
BEEN SITTING IN THAT
SAME CHAIR ALL DAY?
127
00:06:04,998 --> 00:06:07,000
MM, LET ME THINK
ABOUT THIS ONE.
128
00:06:07,034 --> 00:06:09,403
YEAH.
129
00:06:09,437 --> 00:06:12,205
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE
EXPERIENCING HUMAN
ADOLESCENT BEHAVIOR.
130
00:06:12,239 --> 00:06:15,609
WELL, AS AN ADOLESCENT,
EVERYTHING ANNOYS ME...
131
00:06:15,643 --> 00:06:20,313
ESPECIALLY THE SOUND
OF YOUR VOICE RIGHT NOW.
132
00:06:20,347 --> 00:06:21,849
[ARGUING]
133
00:06:21,882 --> 00:06:23,451
DID YOU GET YOUR
DRIVER'S LICENSE?
134
00:06:23,484 --> 00:06:24,485
WE WERE
THROWN OUT.
135
00:06:24,518 --> 00:06:27,821
ON THE BRIGHT SIDE,
WE OUTRAN
THE POLICE.
136
00:06:27,855 --> 00:06:28,856
WHAT WENT WRONG?
137
00:06:28,889 --> 00:06:29,823
EVERYTHING.
138
00:06:29,857 --> 00:06:32,593
HOW DO THESE PEOPLE
GET WHAT THEY WANT?
139
00:06:32,626 --> 00:06:34,061
TODAY DR. ALBRIGHT
WANTED SOMETHING.
140
00:06:34,094 --> 00:06:35,563
ALL SHE DID WAS ASK.
141
00:06:35,596 --> 00:06:36,897
WHAT DID SHE SAY?
142
00:06:36,930 --> 00:06:40,701
THAT SHE NEEDED MY HELP,
THAT I LOOKED WONDERFUL,
AND I'M A GENIUS.
143
00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:42,536
SHE SAID THAT?
144
00:06:42,570 --> 00:06:44,505
ABOUT YOU?
145
00:06:44,538 --> 00:06:45,405
YES.
146
00:06:45,439 --> 00:06:46,239
YOU BOUGHT IT?
147
00:06:46,273 --> 00:06:47,374
I AM THE HIGH
COMMANDER.
148
00:06:47,407 --> 00:06:48,876
WAIT A MINUTE.
149
00:06:48,909 --> 00:06:51,144
SOMETHING ABOUT THIS
DOESN'T WASH.
150
00:06:51,178 --> 00:06:52,713
SHE'S DOING SOMETHING--
151
00:06:52,746 --> 00:06:53,814
OH, NOW I REMEMBER.
152
00:06:53,847 --> 00:06:55,248
I READ ABOUT THIS.
153
00:06:55,282 --> 00:06:59,119
SHE'S DISTORTING
THE TRUTH.
154
00:06:59,152 --> 00:07:01,421
DR. ALBRIGHT WOULD
NEVER LIE TO ME.
155
00:07:01,455 --> 00:07:04,391
OH, WAKE UP
AND SNORT THE COFFEE.
156
00:07:06,026 --> 00:07:08,529
JUST BECAUSE
YOU DON'T LIE
DOESN'T MEAN--
157
00:07:08,562 --> 00:07:11,264
BUT I TRUST HER.
158
00:07:11,298 --> 00:07:12,833
I COMMAND YOU
TO BE MORE LIKE HER.
159
00:07:12,866 --> 00:07:14,301
LIKE WHAT?
LIKE A WOMAN.
160
00:07:14,334 --> 00:07:15,435
FINE.
161
00:07:15,469 --> 00:07:17,638
I CAN WOMAN.
162
00:07:18,639 --> 00:07:19,840
PERMISSION
TO SPEAK FREELY.
163
00:07:19,873 --> 00:07:20,841
GRANTED.
164
00:07:20,874 --> 00:07:23,844
AS THE ELDEST,
I FEEL IT MY DUTY
TO INFORM YOU
165
00:07:23,877 --> 00:07:28,281
THAT THIS PLANET
BOTH WIPES AND SUCKS...
166
00:07:28,315 --> 00:07:29,483
IN THAT ORDER.
167
00:07:29,517 --> 00:07:31,519
WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
168
00:07:31,552 --> 00:07:32,953
SOMETHING'S WRONG.
169
00:07:32,986 --> 00:07:34,655
MY TRANSFER'S NOT HOLDING.
170
00:07:34,688 --> 00:07:37,224
I'M GROWING HAIR,
MY ARMPITS SMELL,
171
00:07:37,257 --> 00:07:40,594
AND THERE'S A CONSTANT
CIRCUS IN MY PANTS.
172
00:07:40,628 --> 00:07:41,862
AW...
173
00:07:41,895 --> 00:07:44,665
OUR OLD MAN
IS BECOMING A BOY.
174
00:07:44,698 --> 00:07:47,901
I'M SERIOUS.
THE SEAL'S BROKEN,
AND I'M LOSING OIL.
175
00:07:47,935 --> 00:07:49,369
LOOK AT THIS.
176
00:07:49,402 --> 00:07:50,704
WHAT IS IT?
177
00:07:50,738 --> 00:07:53,473
IT'S A NIPPLE.
178
00:07:53,507 --> 00:07:54,575
WHAT DO I DO
ABOUT IT?
179
00:07:54,608 --> 00:07:55,442
I DON'T KNOW.
180
00:07:55,475 --> 00:07:56,309
UNTIL WE FIGURE IT OUT,
181
00:07:56,343 --> 00:07:59,747
MAYBE YOU SHOULD
SLEEP IN THE SHOWER.
182
00:08:04,051 --> 00:08:05,418
[BUZZING]
183
00:08:05,452 --> 00:08:06,520
GENTLEMEN,
184
00:08:06,554 --> 00:08:10,257
WE HAVE A GUEST MEMBER
OF THE RULES COMMITTEE
WITH US.
185
00:08:10,290 --> 00:08:13,794
DR. SOLOMON,
WOULD YOU CARE TO SHARE
DR. ALBRIGHT'S FEELINGS?
186
00:08:13,827 --> 00:08:16,163
OH, YES. OF COURSE.
WELL...
187
00:08:16,196 --> 00:08:18,431
FIRST, ON BEHALF
OF DR. ALBRIGHT,
188
00:08:18,465 --> 00:08:22,235
I'D LIKE TO SAY,
WELCOME TO THIS BIG
WASTE OF TIME.
189
00:08:22,269 --> 00:08:25,505
I'VE ALWAYS WANTED
TO PUT A FACE
WITH THOSE MEN
190
00:08:25,539 --> 00:08:27,274
WHOM SHE
AFFECTIONATELY CALLS
191
00:08:27,307 --> 00:08:29,209
THE NIGHT
OF THE TEACHING DEAD,
192
00:08:29,242 --> 00:08:32,245
AND MAY I SAY,
YOU DO NOT DISAPPOINT.
193
00:08:32,279 --> 00:08:35,282
I CAN TELL YOU'RE
INDEED A MINDLESS
AND DULL GROUP.
194
00:08:35,315 --> 00:08:38,018
SO I'LL START
WITH A FRESH IDEA
195
00:08:38,051 --> 00:08:41,989
THAT YOU WON'T RECOGNIZE
WHEN IT BITES YOU
ON THE ASS.
196
00:08:42,022 --> 00:08:44,558
DOES DR. ALBRIGHT KNOW
YOU'RE SPEAKING
ON HER BEHALF?
197
00:08:44,592 --> 00:08:45,492
DON'T MOVE.
198
00:08:45,525 --> 00:08:47,027
STAY WHERE YOU ARE.
199
00:08:49,029 --> 00:08:50,130
DR. SOLOMON!
200
00:08:50,163 --> 00:08:52,199
FREEZE!
HE'S STILL THERE.
201
00:08:54,568 --> 00:08:58,606
OHH, YOU HAVE A MOLE!
202
00:08:58,639 --> 00:09:00,874
A BIG, UGLY MOLE.
203
00:09:03,010 --> 00:09:05,412
WELL, YOU'RE IN EARLY.
204
00:09:05,445 --> 00:09:08,548
DR. BYRON TOLD ME
ABOUT YOUR LITTLE SPEECH.
205
00:09:08,582 --> 00:09:09,650
SORRY I MISSED IT.
206
00:09:09,683 --> 00:09:12,419
REST ASSURED
I GAVE YOU FULL CREDIT.
207
00:09:14,187 --> 00:09:17,825
WHAT THE HELL
ARE YOU TRYING
TO DO, RUIN ME?
208
00:09:17,858 --> 00:09:20,828
AH, WHUH, WHA,
OCK, BAA...
209
00:09:20,861 --> 00:09:24,097
IT'LL TAKE WEEKS
TO REPAIR THE DAMAGE
YOU'VE DONE.
210
00:09:24,131 --> 00:09:26,333
AH, OCK, UH, KAA...
211
00:09:26,366 --> 00:09:27,434
WEEKS!
212
00:09:27,467 --> 00:09:30,303
YOU JUST
HAD TO SHOW UP
AND FEIGN INTEREST.
213
00:09:30,337 --> 00:09:32,673
FEIGN?
I DON'T DO FEIGNING.
214
00:09:32,706 --> 00:09:34,241
I ALWAYS TELL
THE COMPLETE TRUTH.
215
00:09:34,274 --> 00:09:35,275
THE TRUTH?
216
00:09:35,308 --> 00:09:37,745
THEN I WILL BE
BRUTALLY FRANK.
217
00:09:37,778 --> 00:09:40,047
GOOD. I'LL BE
GENUINE DICK.
218
00:09:43,851 --> 00:09:45,585
I THOUGHT--
FOOLISHLY--
219
00:09:45,619 --> 00:09:47,054
THIS WOULD BE
A GOOD OPPORTUNITY
220
00:09:47,087 --> 00:09:49,256
FOR MY COLLEAGUES
TO GET TO KNOW YOU.
221
00:09:49,289 --> 00:09:50,624
NOBODY WANTED
TO MEET YOU.
222
00:09:50,658 --> 00:09:52,926
I MADE THAT UP.
223
00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:54,695
SO YOU LIED?
224
00:09:54,728 --> 00:09:57,130
I WAS BENDING THE TRUTH
TO FLATTER YOU.
225
00:09:57,164 --> 00:09:59,166
THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
226
00:09:59,199 --> 00:10:01,669
WHEN WE MET,
YOU SAID YOU WERE
PLEASED TO MEET ME.
227
00:10:01,702 --> 00:10:03,771
WAS THAT TRUE
OR TRUTH BENDING?
228
00:10:03,804 --> 00:10:04,972
FIGURE OF SPEECH.
229
00:10:05,005 --> 00:10:07,274
"IMPRESSED
WITH MY RESUMé"?
230
00:10:07,307 --> 00:10:08,475
POLITE CONVERSATION.
231
00:10:08,508 --> 00:10:10,644
WHEN YOU "DIDN'T MIND
SHARING YOUR OFFICE"?
232
00:10:10,678 --> 00:10:13,046
DIPLOMACY.
ANYTHING ELSE?
233
00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:14,514
IS THAT YOUR
REAL HAIR COLOR?
234
00:10:14,547 --> 00:10:16,950
ABSOLUTELY!
235
00:10:19,252 --> 00:10:21,388
YOU'RE UPSET,
AREN'T YOU?
236
00:10:22,189 --> 00:10:23,156
TELL THE TRUTH.
237
00:10:23,190 --> 00:10:26,459
YES. I THOUGHT I COULD
TRUST YOU. I CAN'T.
238
00:10:26,493 --> 00:10:27,527
TRUST ME?
239
00:10:27,560 --> 00:10:29,129
YOU LIED
AND TRICKED ME.
240
00:10:29,162 --> 00:10:32,632
NO. IT'S NOT
HOW YOU LIE
TO TRICK SOMEONE.
241
00:10:32,666 --> 00:10:34,101
FIRST YOU START BY--
242
00:10:34,134 --> 00:10:35,903
THERE'S SOMETHING
ON YOUR TIE.
243
00:10:38,571 --> 00:10:39,639
AHA.
244
00:10:39,673 --> 00:10:41,208
VERY CLEVER.
245
00:10:41,241 --> 00:10:43,443
YES. I SEE
HOW THAT WORKS.
246
00:10:43,476 --> 00:10:44,978
THERE'S SOMETHING
ON YOUR SHOULDER.
247
00:10:45,012 --> 00:10:47,314
HA HA HA. I DON'T--
248
00:10:51,651 --> 00:10:54,054
THAT'S NOT
HOW IT WORKS.
249
00:10:54,087 --> 00:10:55,422
THIS IS HOW IT WORKS--
250
00:10:55,455 --> 00:10:56,924
YOUR SHIRT TAIL'S
ON FIRE.
251
00:10:56,957 --> 00:10:57,991
NOW IT'S OUT!
252
00:10:58,025 --> 00:10:59,126
YOUR BLOUSE
IS ON FIRE.
253
00:10:59,159 --> 00:11:02,162
IT IS NOT!
GET YOUR HANDS OFF...
254
00:11:02,195 --> 00:11:03,030
DON'T MOVE.
255
00:11:03,063 --> 00:11:03,563
[BUZZING]
256
00:11:03,596 --> 00:11:05,498
WHA...
257
00:11:11,038 --> 00:11:12,906
[PSHHH]
258
00:11:14,107 --> 00:11:16,309
THAT WAS MY FLY!
259
00:11:16,343 --> 00:11:18,345
I KNOW.
260
00:11:23,717 --> 00:11:26,153
ON THE SUBJECT
OF UNIVERSAL TRUTH,
261
00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:28,155
ALBERT EINSTEIN ONCE SAID,
262
00:11:28,188 --> 00:11:31,591
[SPEAKING GERMAN]
263
00:11:34,527 --> 00:11:37,330
ANY THOUGHTS ON THAT?
264
00:11:37,364 --> 00:11:38,999
ANYONE?
265
00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:40,600
YES, CARYN.
266
00:11:40,633 --> 00:11:43,270
DR. SOLOMON,
I THINK YOU WERE
SPEAKING GERMAN.
267
00:11:43,303 --> 00:11:45,906
YES. GERMAN.
EINSTEIN SPOKE GERMAN.
268
00:11:48,708 --> 00:11:52,212
O.K. I'LL SIMPLIFY.
269
00:11:52,245 --> 00:11:55,715
SCIENTIFIC PROOF
IS NOTHING MORE
THAN CONDITIONAL TRUTH.
270
00:11:55,749 --> 00:11:58,685
WE ALL UNDERSTAND
WHAT TRUTH IS, DON'T WE?
271
00:11:58,718 --> 00:12:02,655
NOW, I HAVE THREE OF
EINSTEIN'S EQUATIONS
ON THE BOARD.
272
00:12:02,689 --> 00:12:04,324
TWO ARE FALSE,
ONE IS TRUE.
273
00:12:04,357 --> 00:12:06,994
WHO CAN SPOT
THE TRUE ONE?
274
00:12:07,995 --> 00:12:11,198
HOW MANY OF YOU THINK
IT'S NUMBER ONE?
275
00:12:11,231 --> 00:12:14,367
I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT.
IT'S NOT NUMBER ONE.
276
00:12:14,401 --> 00:12:15,969
ANOTHER HINT--
IT'S NOT NUMBER TWO.
277
00:12:16,003 --> 00:12:18,038
HOW MANY THINK
IT'S NUMBER THREE?
278
00:12:18,071 --> 00:12:22,109
WELL, YOU'RE WRONG.
I MADE THEM ALL UP.
279
00:12:22,142 --> 00:12:24,878
YOU SEE, LYING
ACCOMPLISHES NOTHING.
280
00:12:24,912 --> 00:12:26,613
YOU CAN'T TRUST
SOMEONE WHO LIES.
281
00:12:26,646 --> 00:12:29,416
YOU WORK WITH THEM,
THEY ASK YOU TO SUBSTITUTE,
282
00:12:29,449 --> 00:12:31,919
YOU BECOME A FOOL,
THEY GET MAD...
283
00:12:31,952 --> 00:12:35,856
AND YOUR SISTER CAN'T EVEN
GET A DRIVER'S LICENSE!
284
00:12:35,889 --> 00:12:40,260
DR. SOLOMON,
IS THIS GOING TO
BE ON THE FINAL?
285
00:12:40,293 --> 00:12:43,730
THE POINT IS,
YOU HAVE TO TELL
THE ABSOLUTE TRUTH
286
00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:46,133
OR ELSE YOU END UP
CONFUSING PEOPLE.
287
00:12:46,166 --> 00:12:49,602
BUT SOMETIMES
YOU JUST CAN'T
TELL THE TRUTH.
288
00:12:49,636 --> 00:12:51,304
BUT WHY NOT?
289
00:12:51,338 --> 00:12:52,539
ANYONE.
290
00:12:52,572 --> 00:12:54,774
LEON, I'M GOING TO
ASK YOU A QUESTION.
291
00:12:54,808 --> 00:12:57,010
I WANT
THE COMPLETE TRUTH.
292
00:12:57,044 --> 00:12:59,146
THIS WON'T
AFFECT MY GRADE?
293
00:13:00,547 --> 00:13:01,481
ABSOLUTELY NOT.
294
00:13:01,514 --> 00:13:02,916
WHAT DO YOU
THINK OF ME?
295
00:13:02,950 --> 00:13:07,087
UH, YOU MAKE ME
REALLY NERVOUS.
296
00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:08,956
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT'S GOING ON
HALF THE TIME.
297
00:13:08,989 --> 00:13:10,123
WHEN YOU WALK AROUND,
298
00:13:10,157 --> 00:13:13,526
I'M ALWAYS AFRAID
YOU'LL HIT ME
IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD.
299
00:13:17,197 --> 00:13:18,966
THANK YOU.
300
00:13:18,999 --> 00:13:19,967
THERE. YOU SEE?
301
00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:22,769
THE TRUTH.
302
00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:26,039
BY THE WAY, LEON,
YOU'RE FAILING.
303
00:13:26,073 --> 00:13:27,908
IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO
AFFECT MY GRADE.
304
00:13:27,941 --> 00:13:30,010
IT DIDN'T.
305
00:13:34,481 --> 00:13:36,749
ANYBODY HOME?
306
00:13:36,783 --> 00:13:37,985
OH, HI.
307
00:13:38,018 --> 00:13:40,420
I BROUGHT YOU FOLKS
YOUR EXTRA KEY.
308
00:13:40,453 --> 00:13:42,089
YEAH, RIGHT.
GOOD EXCUSE.
309
00:13:42,122 --> 00:13:46,326
YOU JUST WANTED
TO COME STARE
AT PIMPLE-BOY.
310
00:13:46,359 --> 00:13:47,460
POOR KID.
311
00:13:47,494 --> 00:13:49,897
I REMEMBER
HOW IT FEELS
TO BE YOUR AGE.
312
00:13:49,930 --> 00:13:53,733
I REMEMBER
HOW IT FEELS
TO BE YOUR AGE.
313
00:13:53,766 --> 00:13:56,136
LISTEN,
I'M GOING OUT
TO GET SOME SMOKES.
314
00:13:56,169 --> 00:13:57,670
WANT TO TAKE
A RIDE?
315
00:13:57,704 --> 00:13:59,606
YEAH, WHATEVER.
316
00:13:59,639 --> 00:14:03,243
IT'S NOT FAIR.
I CAN GROW A PIMPLE
BUT NOT A MUSTACHE.
317
00:14:03,276 --> 00:14:05,378
WHAT'S YOUR SECRET?
318
00:14:12,252 --> 00:14:13,720
SOLOMON, SALLY.
319
00:14:13,753 --> 00:14:15,155
HERE.
320
00:14:16,689 --> 00:14:17,624
YOU FAILED THE EXAM.
321
00:14:17,657 --> 00:14:19,326
COME BACK
IN THREE WEEKS.
322
00:14:19,359 --> 00:14:20,327
I CAN'T COME BACK.
323
00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:21,561
I CAN'T.
324
00:14:21,594 --> 00:14:22,795
THAT'S THE RULE.
325
00:14:22,829 --> 00:14:24,164
I NEED A LICENSE NOW.
326
00:14:24,197 --> 00:14:26,266
I'M THE WOMAN.
327
00:14:32,305 --> 00:14:34,707
I REALLY NEED YOUR HELP.
328
00:14:36,409 --> 00:14:39,212
YOU MUST BE A GENIUS.
329
00:14:41,548 --> 00:14:46,653
YOUR LINE IS SO BIG,
BUT IT MOVES SO FAST.
330
00:14:47,387 --> 00:14:50,557
WELL, I DO MY BEST.
331
00:14:50,590 --> 00:14:52,492
THERE MUST BE
SOME WAY YOU CAN HELP.
332
00:14:52,525 --> 00:14:58,698
I KNOW YOU HAVE A HEART
IN THAT BIG, HAIRY,
WONDERFUL CHEST OF YOURS.
333
00:14:58,731 --> 00:15:02,535
I BET PRETTY GIRLS
BEG YOU ALL THE TIME.
334
00:15:02,569 --> 00:15:06,539
O.K., YOU CAN TAKE
THE TEST AGAIN.
335
00:15:06,573 --> 00:15:08,575
THANK YOU.
336
00:15:08,608 --> 00:15:11,511
I COULD GET
VERY GOOD AT THIS.
337
00:15:16,249 --> 00:15:20,720
HEY, WHAT DID YOU
PUT UNDER WEIGHT?
338
00:15:25,792 --> 00:15:26,726
[FOOTSTEPS]
339
00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:28,695
TOMMY!
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?
340
00:15:28,728 --> 00:15:31,131
THE MALL.
I WAS AT THE MALL.
341
00:15:31,164 --> 00:15:33,800
IT MAY BE
THE MOST EMOTIONALLY
SATISFYING PLACE
342
00:15:33,833 --> 00:15:36,569
I'VE EVER BEEN.
343
00:15:36,603 --> 00:15:38,105
YOU OBSERVED
OTHER LIFE FORMS?
344
00:15:38,138 --> 00:15:39,172
DEFINITELY.
345
00:15:39,206 --> 00:15:42,509
EVERYBODY THERE
WAS AS OILY AND
DISGUSTING AS ME.
346
00:15:42,542 --> 00:15:45,178
IT WAS A FOOD COURT
OF MUTANTS,
347
00:15:45,212 --> 00:15:46,779
A CATALOGUE
OF HORRORS,
348
00:15:46,813 --> 00:15:48,081
A FREAK SHOW...
349
00:15:48,115 --> 00:15:52,119
AND I WAS
THEIR LIZARD KING.
350
00:15:52,152 --> 00:15:54,654
WHAT DO YOU DO
WHEN YOU'RE THERE?
351
00:15:55,522 --> 00:15:56,789
HANG.
352
00:15:56,823 --> 00:15:58,125
WHAT DO YOU SEE?
353
00:15:58,158 --> 00:15:59,959
STUFF!
354
00:15:59,993 --> 00:16:01,728
I BELONG NOW.
355
00:16:01,761 --> 00:16:03,163
OH, YEAH--
356
00:16:03,196 --> 00:16:04,497
STAY OUT OF MY ROOM!
357
00:16:04,531 --> 00:16:06,633
HA HA HA HA HA...
358
00:16:09,969 --> 00:16:11,438
DICK?
OH, DICK, LOOK,
359
00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:13,640
I GOT
MY DRIVER'S LICENSE.
360
00:16:13,673 --> 00:16:18,345
THIS SAYS
YOU'RE A 55-YEAR-OLD,
300-POUND ASIAN WOMAN.
361
00:16:19,546 --> 00:16:22,382
AND AN ORGAN DONOR.
362
00:16:23,416 --> 00:16:24,417
UH, DICK...
363
00:16:24,451 --> 00:16:26,186
I GOT MY DRIVER'S
PERMIT, TOO.
364
00:16:26,219 --> 00:16:29,422
YES. I EXPECTED
YOU WOULD.
365
00:16:30,690 --> 00:16:33,360
I NOT ONLY
ACCOMPLISHED
MY GOAL,
366
00:16:33,393 --> 00:16:37,597
BUT I DISCOVERED
A SOFTER PLACE
WITHIN MYSELF,
367
00:16:37,630 --> 00:16:39,099
AND IT'S ALL
BECAUSE OF YOU
368
00:16:39,132 --> 00:16:42,535
AND YOUR
EXTRAORDINARY
ABILITY TO COMMAND.
369
00:16:42,569 --> 00:16:44,671
YOU HAVE SO MANY
FACETS TO ADMIRE,
370
00:16:44,704 --> 00:16:48,508
TIME PROHIBITS
MY NAMING THEM ALL.
371
00:16:48,541 --> 00:16:50,777
SHALL I SPEAK
OF YOUR COURAGE...
372
00:16:50,810 --> 00:16:53,513
HOW YOU'VE LED
A RAG-TAG CREW
OF MISFITS
373
00:16:53,546 --> 00:16:57,550
ACROSS THE GALAXIES,
FUELED BY YOUR
BRAVE SPIRIT?
374
00:16:59,686 --> 00:17:02,455
OR SHALL I CONFESS
THAT YOUR BOYISH
GOOD LOOKS
375
00:17:02,489 --> 00:17:06,793
ARE STUNTED
ONLY BY YOUR
PERSONAL BIGNESS.
376
00:17:06,826 --> 00:17:07,927
AHH...
377
00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:12,699
WHERE TO BEGIN
SIMPLY EXHAUSTS
MY FEMININE MIND.
378
00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:14,434
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
379
00:17:14,467 --> 00:17:16,469
LYING.
380
00:17:17,437 --> 00:17:18,771
YOU LIKE IT?
381
00:17:18,805 --> 00:17:21,208
IT'S INCREDIBLE.
I LOVE IT!
382
00:17:21,241 --> 00:17:22,709
REALLY?
YES!
383
00:17:22,742 --> 00:17:23,643
HOW DID YOU DO IT?
384
00:17:23,676 --> 00:17:25,345
ANYBODY CAN.
I'VE DONE IT ONCE,
385
00:17:25,378 --> 00:17:27,647
AND HERE I AM
WHIPPING IT OUT.
386
00:17:27,680 --> 00:17:29,816
WOW!
387
00:17:29,849 --> 00:17:31,384
I THOUGHT THE TRUTH
WAS POTENT,
388
00:17:31,418 --> 00:17:33,186
BUT IT'S NOTHING
COMPARED TO THIS.
389
00:17:33,220 --> 00:17:38,525
THIS MAKES ME
FEEL POWERLESS
AND SUSCEPTIBLE...
390
00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:41,661
READY TO YIELD
TO YOUR EVERY--
391
00:17:41,694 --> 00:17:44,931
I'VE GOT TO FIND
DR. ALBRIGHT.
392
00:17:44,964 --> 00:17:48,135
IT'S WEDNESDAY.
SHE CALLS IT
HUMP-DAY.
393
00:17:48,168 --> 00:17:48,901
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT THAT MEANS,
394
00:17:48,935 --> 00:17:51,538
BUT I KNOW
WHERE SHE HUMPS.
395
00:17:52,305 --> 00:17:54,073
TOMMY,
WE'RE GOING OUT.
I'LL DRIVE.
396
00:17:54,107 --> 00:17:54,941
I'LL DRIVE.
397
00:17:54,974 --> 00:17:56,576
HARRY CALLED IT.
SHOTGUN!
398
00:17:56,609 --> 00:17:58,044
I'M NOT RIDING
IN BACK.
399
00:17:58,077 --> 00:18:00,280
TOMMY CALLED IT.
400
00:18:02,449 --> 00:18:04,384
DR. ALBRIGHT,
HELLO!
401
00:18:04,417 --> 00:18:06,018
HELLO.
402
00:18:06,052 --> 00:18:07,287
SORRY
THERE'S NO CHAIR.
403
00:18:07,320 --> 00:18:09,289
NOT A PROBLEM.
404
00:18:10,923 --> 00:18:11,858
YOU KNOW DR. BYRON.
405
00:18:11,891 --> 00:18:12,892
OF COURSE.
406
00:18:12,925 --> 00:18:15,061
YOU SHOULD HAVE
THAT REMOVED.
407
00:18:15,094 --> 00:18:16,863
IT'S ALL
I CAN LOOK AT.
408
00:18:16,896 --> 00:18:18,831
EXCUSE ME.
409
00:18:18,865 --> 00:18:21,968
WELL, LOOKS LIKE
THERE'S JUST
THE TWO OF US.
410
00:18:22,001 --> 00:18:23,436
A PITCHER,
PLEASE.
411
00:18:23,470 --> 00:18:24,637
MAY I SEE
YOUR DRIVER'S
LICENSE?
412
00:18:24,671 --> 00:18:26,973
OH, YOU BET
YOU CAN.
413
00:18:27,006 --> 00:18:30,477
O.K., MRS. WU.
414
00:18:32,712 --> 00:18:33,813
I DISCOVERED
SOMETHING TODAY.
415
00:18:33,846 --> 00:18:35,415
I NEED TO
TRY IT OUT.
416
00:18:35,448 --> 00:18:38,418
THORAZINE.
I'LL GET SOME WATER.
417
00:18:38,451 --> 00:18:40,620
H-H-HA-HA-HA HA HA...
418
00:18:40,653 --> 00:18:43,190
YOU SEE, YOU KNOW
THESE THINGS.
419
00:18:43,223 --> 00:18:44,557
YOU'RE SO SMART,
420
00:18:44,591 --> 00:18:47,460
AND YOUR--YOUR LOOKS
421
00:18:47,494 --> 00:18:50,563
YOUR LOOKS ARE LIKE,
UH, A BEER TAP,
422
00:18:50,597 --> 00:18:54,501
A GOLDEN RUSH
OF DRUNKEN BEAUTY
WITH A NICE HEAD,
423
00:18:54,534 --> 00:18:57,570
WHICH SPILLS
ALL DOWN YOUR BLOUSE,
424
00:18:57,604 --> 00:19:00,673
LEAVING YOU SWEET
AND PUNGENT.
425
00:19:03,776 --> 00:19:06,179
THAT WAS PATHETIC.
426
00:19:06,213 --> 00:19:08,481
I'M SORRY
I'M NOT AS GOOD
A LIAR AS YOU ARE.
427
00:19:08,515 --> 00:19:10,383
WELL, I'M SORRY.
I'M LEAVING.
428
00:19:10,417 --> 00:19:13,686
WAIT! YOU'RE NOT
FINISHED WITH ME YET.
429
00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:16,523
DO YOU MIND?
WE'RE TALKING.
430
00:19:18,458 --> 00:19:20,560
O.K. YOU WIN.
431
00:19:20,593 --> 00:19:21,428
WHAT IS IT?
432
00:19:21,461 --> 00:19:24,331
I'VE REALIZED THAT
I CAN'T LIE TO YOU.
433
00:19:24,364 --> 00:19:27,334
IT'S JUST
NOT SOMETHING
THAT I'M GOOD AT,
434
00:19:27,367 --> 00:19:28,901
LIKE, LIKE...
435
00:19:28,935 --> 00:19:31,338
ACTUALLY,
I'M GOOD AT EVERYTHING.
436
00:19:31,371 --> 00:19:32,272
CAN I TELL YOU
THE TRUTH?
437
00:19:32,305 --> 00:19:33,440
WHY NOT?
438
00:19:33,473 --> 00:19:35,475
THE REAL TRUTH IS,
439
00:19:35,508 --> 00:19:37,310
YOU'RE DELIGHTFUL.
440
00:19:37,344 --> 00:19:40,079
I LOVE LOOKING
INTO YOUR FACE.
441
00:19:40,112 --> 00:19:42,849
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT IT IS ABOUT YOU.
442
00:19:42,882 --> 00:19:44,951
MAYBE IT'S
THE WAY THE LIGHT
HITS YOUR EYES...
443
00:19:44,984 --> 00:19:46,419
THE WINE...
444
00:19:46,453 --> 00:19:50,056
BUT YOU LOOK PUFFY.
YOU SHOULD GO HOME
AND SLEEP.
445
00:19:54,527 --> 00:19:57,330
THERE. IS THAT BETTER?
446
00:19:57,364 --> 00:19:59,499
SADLY, YES.
447
00:20:00,500 --> 00:20:04,003
MAY I WALK YOU HOME?
BE HONEST.
448
00:20:04,036 --> 00:20:06,606
O.K.
449
00:20:14,614 --> 00:20:17,784
YOU KNOW,
IF SOMEONE HAD
TOLD ME A YEAR AGO
450
00:20:17,817 --> 00:20:19,752
THAT I'D BE
DRIVING A CAR...
451
00:20:19,786 --> 00:20:23,623
AND
SUCKING THE FLESH
OFF A DEAD BIRD,
452
00:20:23,656 --> 00:20:26,058
I'D HAVE
CALLED HIM A LIAR.
453
00:20:26,092 --> 00:20:29,195
BEING HUMAN IS
FAR MORE COMPLEX
THAN I THOUGHT.
454
00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:31,831
THERE'S NO ABSOLUTE
PERSONAL TRUTH HERE,
455
00:20:31,864 --> 00:20:34,934
AND THESE BODIES
DON'T COME WITH
AN OWNER'S MANUAL,
456
00:20:34,967 --> 00:20:38,137
SO EVERY DAY,
THESE PEOPLE
HAVE TO MAKE UP LIFE,
457
00:20:38,170 --> 00:20:40,072
AND TRUTH BECOMES...
458
00:20:40,106 --> 00:20:41,841
HIGHLY INDIVIDUAL.
459
00:20:41,874 --> 00:20:43,209
OH, MY GOD, DICK,
460
00:20:43,242 --> 00:20:44,777
WHAT IF
THIS LYING THING
461
00:20:44,811 --> 00:20:48,415
FALLS INTO THE HANDS
OF THE POLITICIANS?
462
00:20:49,916 --> 00:20:53,286
THAT'S A HORRIFYING
THOUGHT.
463
00:20:53,320 --> 00:20:54,787
I THINK THESE HUMANS
BEND THE TRUTH
464
00:20:54,821 --> 00:20:57,990
BECAUSE THIS IS
A DIFFICULT
PLACE TO LIVE.
465
00:20:58,024 --> 00:21:01,728
IT'S A LONELY BLUE DOT
ON THE FAR END
OF THE GALAXY.
466
00:21:01,761 --> 00:21:05,365
ALL THE HALF-TRUTHS
AND FLATTERY
AND DIPLOMACY
467
00:21:05,398 --> 00:21:08,100
ARE THE LUBRICANT
THAT PEOPLE SPREAD
ON EACH OTHER
468
00:21:08,134 --> 00:21:10,337
TO GET OVER
THE ROUGH SPOTS.
469
00:21:10,370 --> 00:21:12,505
IT'S EASIER
ON OUR PLANET.
470
00:21:12,539 --> 00:21:14,441
NO ONE EVER LIES.
471
00:21:14,474 --> 00:21:18,545
EXCEPT WHEN YOU DON'T
WANT TO HELP SOMEBODY MOVE.
32161
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