Original subtitles

[JAMES BROWN "SEX MACHINE"] * GIT UP! GIT ON UP *

* GIT UP! GIT ON UP *

* STAY ON THE SCENE, GIT ON UP *

* LIKE A SEX MACHINE, GIT ON UP *

* GIT UP! GIT ON UP *

* STAY ON THE SCENE, GIT ON UP *

* LIKE A SEX MACHINE --

[CLICK]

YOU NOTICE HOW THIS JAMES BROWN

IS ALWAYS GETTING SOMEWHERE?

HE'S GETTING UP, GETTING DOWN, GETTING BACK...

WE SHOULD CONTACT HIM-- AS PART OF OUR STUDY OF LIFE HERE.

BUT ACCORDING TO THIS, HE'S MORE OF A MACHINE, A SEX MACHINE.

OH, LOOK. IT'S THE CAMPUS POLICE.

IS THERE A PROBLEM?

OH, ACTUALLY, YES.

THERE'S A STAR MISSING-- RIGHT THERE.

AND WE THINK WE KNOW WHO DID IT.

THIS IS YOUR FAMILY?

WHY, YES. THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT WE WERE GOING FOR.

SALLY'S THE WOMAN, I'M THE TALL, DASHING MAN,

TOMMY'S THE ADOLESCENT, AND HARRY'S...

THE FUNNY-LOOKING ONE.

LET'S SEE YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE, PLEASE.

WHY? WE'RE NOT DRIVING. WE'RE PARKED.

BUT YOU'RE PARKED ON UNIVERSITY PROPERTY.

OH, I AM UNIVERSITY PROPERTY.

HERE'S MY PHOTO I.D.

IT'S JUST MY HEAD,

BUT I ASSURE YOU THE REST IS ANATOMICALLY CORRECT.

DR. SOLOMON, IT'S 2 A.M.,

SO LET'S PACK THIS UP AND MOVE OUT.

RIGHT AWAY.

WHAT'S A DRIVER'S LICENSE?

SOME KIND OF HUMAN VALIDATION.

WE SHOULD GET ONE TO BLEND IN.

I'M ON IT.

[JOE COCKER SINGING YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL]

LISTEN. IT'S THAT GUY AGAIN.

GOD, THAT'S AMAZING.

HOW DOES HE SING LIKE THAT?

DICK, REMEMBER HOW I SAID I WANTED TO LEARN TO SING?

I'VE CHANGED MY MIND.

[BUZZING]

WHERE ARE YOU?

VERY WELL. I CAN WAIT.

YOU'RE NOT WATCHING ME, I'M NOT WATCHING YOU.

YOU'RE SOMEWHERE IN THE ROOM.

I CAN FEEL IT.

GOOD MORNING, DR. SOLOMON.

YAH!

WHAT IS IT, NINA?

HERE'S THE MAIL.

OH. IT'S A LETTER FOR DR. ALBRIGHT.

SHE'LL HOLD THIS IN HER DELICATE HAND,

INSERT FINGER AND RIP THROUGH THE MUCILAGE.

OH, SHE'S JUST WONDERFUL.

I KNEW YOU HAD A THING FOR HER.

YES, BUT I UNDERSTAND

I'M NOT ALLOWED TO SHOW IT TO HER WITHOUT HER PERMISSION.

GOOD MORNING, DR. ALBRIGHT.

GOOD MORNING, DR. ALBRIGHT.

DR. SOLOMON, I WAS JUST THINKING OF YOU.

YOU WERE?

I HAVE A RULES COMMITTEE MEETING FRIDAY NIGHT,

AND I JUST CAN'T MAKE IT.

IT'S TOO LATE TO BACK OUT NOW

UNLESS YOU CAN TALK SOME IDIOT INTO REPLAC--

OH.

YOU LOOK WONDERFUL. IS THAT A NEW JACKET?

I'M ENTIRELY NEW.

EVERYONE ON THE COMMITTEE WANTS TO MEET YOU.

REALLY?

WE THINK OF YOU AS THE RESIDENT GENIUS.

PLEASE, I NEED YOU TO SUBSTITUTE FOR ME.

YOU NEED ME?

I NEVER DREAMED I'D BE THE MAN YOU NEEDED.

I NEED YOU DESPERATELY.

Oh...

TELL ME IF IT'S GETTING DEEPER.

I'M WEARING OPEN-TOED SHOES.

BUT I'M NOT PREPARED.

OH, IT'S A DULL, MINDLESS GROUP.

IT'S THE NIGHT OF THE TEACHING DEAD.

MAYBE I'LL SHAKE THINGS UP.

OH, NO.

THEY WOULDN'T RECOGNIZE A FRESH IDEA

IF IT BIT THEM ON THE ASS.

JUST PASS THESE OUT, PLEASE.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL DO IT.

THANKS. YOU SAVED ME.

WELL...I AM A MANLY MAN.

WELL DONE.

ANOTHER FIVE MINUTES, HE WOULD HAVE GIVEN ME A KIDNEY.

NEXT!

I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT WE HAVE TO GO THROUGH

TO GET A LICENSE.

YEAH... THEN WHY ARE WE HERE?

IF I HAVE TO BE THE WOMAN,

I'M NOT ABOUT TO BE STUCK AT HOME.

"STAY BEHIND ORANGE LINE."

THAT'S WHY NOBODY EVER GETS TO THE WINDOW.

HEY, LET'S PULL UP THE SLACK HERE.

OH. THERE MUST BE

SOME SORT OF FLESH-MELTING FORCE FIELD

AT THE ORANGE LINE.

NEXT!

NO-O-O-O-O!

I'M SORRY.

CARS MUST HAVE SOME HUGE POWER WE HAVEN'T DISCOVERED YET.

THE LINES, THE WAITING, THE TESTING...

CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT YOU MUST HAVE TO GO THROUGH TO GET A GUN?

NEXT.

WHAT DON'T THEY GET?

THAT WOMAN SAYS "NEXT."

THE FIRST PERSON GETS SERVED.

THE SECOND PERSON MOVES TO THE ORANGE LINE,

THE THIRD BECOMES SECOND,

AND THE REST OF US PULL UP THE SLACK!

THERE ARE TOO MANY GAPS.

WE SHOULD BE A SINGLE-PERSON THICKNESS APART.

GOOD POINT.

I THINK EVERYONE SHOULD HEAR IT.

YOU THINK SO?

O.K., PEOPLE, LISTEN UP AND NOBODY GETS HURT!

TOMMY, HAVE YOU BEEN SITTING IN THAT SAME CHAIR ALL DAY?

MM, LET ME THINK ABOUT THIS ONE.

YEAH.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE EXPERIENCING HUMAN ADOLESCENT BEHAVIOR.

WELL, AS AN ADOLESCENT, EVERYTHING ANNOYS ME...

ESPECIALLY THE SOUND OF YOUR VOICE RIGHT NOW.

[ARGUING]

DID YOU GET YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE?

WE WERE THROWN OUT.

ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, WE OUTRAN THE POLICE.

WHAT WENT WRONG?

EVERYTHING.

HOW DO THESE PEOPLE GET WHAT THEY WANT?

TODAY DR. ALBRIGHT WANTED SOMETHING.

ALL SHE DID WAS ASK.

WHAT DID SHE SAY?

THAT SHE NEEDED MY HELP, THAT I LOOKED WONDERFUL, AND I'M A GENIUS.

SHE SAID THAT?

ABOUT YOU?

YES.

YOU BOUGHT IT?

I AM THE HIGH COMMANDER.

WAIT A MINUTE.

SOMETHING ABOUT THIS DOESN'T WASH.

SHE'S DOING SOMETHING--

OH, NOW I REMEMBER.

I READ ABOUT THIS.

SHE'S DISTORTING THE TRUTH.

DR. ALBRIGHT WOULD NEVER LIE TO ME.

OH, WAKE UP AND SNORT THE COFFEE.

JUST BECAUSE YOU DON'T LIE DOESN'T MEAN--

BUT I TRUST HER.

I COMMAND YOU TO BE MORE LIKE HER.

LIKE WHAT? LIKE A WOMAN.

FINE.

I CAN WOMAN.

PERMISSION TO SPEAK FREELY.

GRANTED.

AS THE ELDEST, I FEEL IT MY DUTY TO INFORM YOU

THAT THIS PLANET BOTH WIPES AND SUCKS...

IN THAT ORDER.

WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?

SOMETHING'S WRONG.

MY TRANSFER'S NOT HOLDING.

I'M GROWING HAIR, MY ARMPITS SMELL,

AND THERE'S A CONSTANT CIRCUS IN MY PANTS.

AW...

OUR OLD MAN IS BECOMING A BOY.

I'M SERIOUS. THE SEAL'S BROKEN, AND I'M LOSING OIL.

LOOK AT THIS.

WHAT IS IT?

IT'S A NIPPLE.

WHAT DO I DO ABOUT IT?

I DON'T KNOW.

UNTIL WE FIGURE IT OUT,

MAYBE YOU SHOULD SLEEP IN THE SHOWER.

[BUZZING]

GENTLEMEN,

WE HAVE A GUEST MEMBER OF THE RULES COMMITTEE WITH US.

DR. SOLOMON, WOULD YOU CARE TO SHARE DR. ALBRIGHT'S FEELINGS?

OH, YES. OF COURSE. WELL...

FIRST, ON BEHALF OF DR. ALBRIGHT,

I'D LIKE TO SAY, WELCOME TO THIS BIG WASTE OF TIME.

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO PUT A FACE WITH THOSE MEN

WHOM SHE AFFECTIONATELY CALLS

THE NIGHT OF THE TEACHING DEAD,

AND MAY I SAY, YOU DO NOT DISAPPOINT.

I CAN TELL YOU'RE INDEED A MINDLESS AND DULL GROUP.

SO I'LL START WITH A FRESH IDEA

THAT YOU WON'T RECOGNIZE WHEN IT BITES YOU ON THE ASS.

DOES DR. ALBRIGHT KNOW YOU'RE SPEAKING ON HER BEHALF?

DON'T MOVE.

STAY WHERE YOU ARE.

DR. SOLOMON!

FREEZE! HE'S STILL THERE.

OHH, YOU HAVE A MOLE!

A BIG, UGLY MOLE.

WELL, YOU'RE IN EARLY.

DR. BYRON TOLD ME ABOUT YOUR LITTLE SPEECH.

SORRY I MISSED IT.

REST ASSURED I GAVE YOU FULL CREDIT.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, RUIN ME?

AH, WHUH, WHA, OCK, BAA...

IT'LL TAKE WEEKS TO REPAIR THE DAMAGE YOU'VE DONE.

AH, OCK, UH, KAA...

WEEKS!

YOU JUST HAD TO SHOW UP AND FEIGN INTEREST.

FEIGN? I DON'T DO FEIGNING.

I ALWAYS TELL THE COMPLETE TRUTH.

THE TRUTH?

THEN I WILL BE BRUTALLY FRANK.

GOOD. I'LL BE GENUINE DICK.

I THOUGHT-- FOOLISHLY--

THIS WOULD BE A GOOD OPPORTUNITY

FOR MY COLLEAGUES TO GET TO KNOW YOU.

NOBODY WANTED TO MEET YOU.

I MADE THAT UP.

SO YOU LIED?

I WAS BENDING THE TRUTH TO FLATTER YOU.

THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.

WHEN WE MET, YOU SAID YOU WERE PLEASED TO MEET ME.

WAS THAT TRUE OR TRUTH BENDING?

FIGURE OF SPEECH.

"IMPRESSED WITH MY RESUMé"?

POLITE CONVERSATION.

WHEN YOU "DIDN'T MIND SHARING YOUR OFFICE"?

DIPLOMACY. ANYTHING ELSE?

IS THAT YOUR REAL HAIR COLOR?

ABSOLUTELY!

YOU'RE UPSET, AREN'T YOU?

TELL THE TRUTH.

YES. I THOUGHT I COULD TRUST YOU. I CAN'T.

TRUST ME?

YOU LIED AND TRICKED ME.

NO. IT'S NOT HOW YOU LIE TO TRICK SOMEONE.

FIRST YOU START BY--

THERE'S SOMETHING ON YOUR TIE.

AHA.

VERY CLEVER.

YES. I SEE HOW THAT WORKS.

THERE'S SOMETHING ON YOUR SHOULDER.

HA HA HA. I DON'T--

THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS.

THIS IS HOW IT WORKS--

YOUR SHIRT TAIL'S ON FIRE.

NOW IT'S OUT!

YOUR BLOUSE IS ON FIRE.

IT IS NOT! GET YOUR HANDS OFF...

DON'T MOVE.

[BUZZING]

WHA...

[PSHHH]

THAT WAS MY FLY!

I KNOW.

ON THE SUBJECT OF UNIVERSAL TRUTH,

ALBERT EINSTEIN ONCE SAID,

[SPEAKING GERMAN]

ANY THOUGHTS ON THAT?

ANYONE?

YES, CARYN.

DR. SOLOMON, I THINK YOU WERE SPEAKING GERMAN.

YES. GERMAN. EINSTEIN SPOKE GERMAN.

O.K. I'LL SIMPLIFY.

SCIENTIFIC PROOF IS NOTHING MORE THAN CONDITIONAL TRUTH.

WE ALL UNDERSTAND WHAT TRUTH IS, DON'T WE?

NOW, I HAVE THREE OF EINSTEIN'S EQUATIONS ON THE BOARD.

TWO ARE FALSE, ONE IS TRUE.

WHO CAN SPOT THE TRUE ONE?

HOW MANY OF YOU THINK IT'S NUMBER ONE?

I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT. IT'S NOT NUMBER ONE.

ANOTHER HINT-- IT'S NOT NUMBER TWO.

HOW MANY THINK IT'S NUMBER THREE?

WELL, YOU'RE WRONG. I MADE THEM ALL UP.

YOU SEE, LYING ACCOMPLISHES NOTHING.

YOU CAN'T TRUST SOMEONE WHO LIES.

YOU WORK WITH THEM, THEY ASK YOU TO SUBSTITUTE,

YOU BECOME A FOOL, THEY GET MAD...

AND YOUR SISTER CAN'T EVEN GET A DRIVER'S LICENSE!

DR. SOLOMON, IS THIS GOING TO BE ON THE FINAL?

THE POINT IS, YOU HAVE TO TELL THE ABSOLUTE TRUTH

OR ELSE YOU END UP CONFUSING PEOPLE.

BUT SOMETIMES YOU JUST CAN'T TELL THE TRUTH.

BUT WHY NOT?

ANYONE.

LEON, I'M GOING TO ASK YOU A QUESTION.

I WANT THE COMPLETE TRUTH.

THIS WON'T AFFECT MY GRADE?

ABSOLUTELY NOT.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF ME?

UH, YOU MAKE ME REALLY NERVOUS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON HALF THE TIME.

WHEN YOU WALK AROUND,

I'M ALWAYS AFRAID YOU'LL HIT ME IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD.

THANK YOU.

THERE. YOU SEE?

THE TRUTH.

BY THE WAY, LEON, YOU'RE FAILING.

IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO AFFECT MY GRADE.

IT DIDN'T.

ANYBODY HOME?

OH, HI.

I BROUGHT YOU FOLKS YOUR EXTRA KEY.

YEAH, RIGHT. GOOD EXCUSE.

YOU JUST WANTED TO COME STARE AT PIMPLE-BOY.

POOR KID.

I REMEMBER HOW IT FEELS TO BE YOUR AGE.

I REMEMBER HOW IT FEELS TO BE YOUR AGE.

LISTEN, I'M GOING OUT TO GET SOME SMOKES.

WANT TO TAKE A RIDE?

YEAH, WHATEVER.

IT'S NOT FAIR. I CAN GROW A PIMPLE BUT NOT A MUSTACHE.

WHAT'S YOUR SECRET?

SOLOMON, SALLY.

HERE.

YOU FAILED THE EXAM.

COME BACK IN THREE WEEKS.

I CAN'T COME BACK.

I CAN'T.

THAT'S THE RULE.

I NEED A LICENSE NOW.

I'M THE WOMAN.

I REALLY NEED YOUR HELP.

YOU MUST BE A GENIUS.

YOUR LINE IS SO BIG, BUT IT MOVES SO FAST.

WELL, I DO MY BEST.

THERE MUST BE SOME WAY YOU CAN HELP.

I KNOW YOU HAVE A HEART IN THAT BIG, HAIRY, WONDERFUL CHEST OF YOURS.

I BET PRETTY GIRLS BEG YOU ALL THE TIME.

O.K., YOU CAN TAKE THE TEST AGAIN.

THANK YOU.

I COULD GET VERY GOOD AT THIS.

HEY, WHAT DID YOU PUT UNDER WEIGHT?

[FOOTSTEPS]

TOMMY! ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

THE MALL. I WAS AT THE MALL.

IT MAY BE THE MOST EMOTIONALLY SATISFYING PLACE

I'VE EVER BEEN.

YOU OBSERVED OTHER LIFE FORMS?

DEFINITELY.

EVERYBODY THERE WAS AS OILY AND DISGUSTING AS ME.

IT WAS A FOOD COURT OF MUTANTS,

A CATALOGUE OF HORRORS,

A FREAK SHOW...

AND I WAS THEIR LIZARD KING.

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU'RE THERE?

HANG.

WHAT DO YOU SEE?

STUFF!

I BELONG NOW.

OH, YEAH--

STAY OUT OF MY ROOM!

HA HA HA HA HA...

DICK? OH, DICK, LOOK,

I GOT MY DRIVER'S LICENSE.

THIS SAYS YOU'RE A 55-YEAR-OLD, 300-POUND ASIAN WOMAN.

AND AN ORGAN DONOR.

UH, DICK...

I GOT MY DRIVER'S PERMIT, TOO.

YES. I EXPECTED YOU WOULD.

I NOT ONLY ACCOMPLISHED MY GOAL,

BUT I DISCOVERED A SOFTER PLACE WITHIN MYSELF,

AND IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF YOU

AND YOUR EXTRAORDINARY ABILITY TO COMMAND.

YOU HAVE SO MANY FACETS TO ADMIRE,

TIME PROHIBITS MY NAMING THEM ALL.

SHALL I SPEAK OF YOUR COURAGE...

HOW YOU'VE LED A RAG-TAG CREW OF MISFITS

ACROSS THE GALAXIES, FUELED BY YOUR BRAVE SPIRIT?

OR SHALL I CONFESS THAT YOUR BOYISH GOOD LOOKS

ARE STUNTED ONLY BY YOUR PERSONAL BIGNESS.

AHH...

WHERE TO BEGIN SIMPLY EXHAUSTS MY FEMININE MIND.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

LYING.

YOU LIKE IT?

IT'S INCREDIBLE. I LOVE IT!

REALLY? YES!

HOW DID YOU DO IT?

ANYBODY CAN. I'VE DONE IT ONCE,

AND HERE I AM WHIPPING IT OUT.

WOW!

I THOUGHT THE TRUTH WAS POTENT,

BUT IT'S NOTHING COMPARED TO THIS.

THIS MAKES ME FEEL POWERLESS AND SUSCEPTIBLE...

READY TO YIELD TO YOUR EVERY--

I'VE GOT TO FIND DR. ALBRIGHT.

IT'S WEDNESDAY. SHE CALLS IT HUMP-DAY.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS,

BUT I KNOW WHERE SHE HUMPS.

TOMMY, WE'RE GOING OUT. I'LL DRIVE.

I'LL DRIVE.

HARRY CALLED IT. SHOTGUN!

I'M NOT RIDING IN BACK.

TOMMY CALLED IT.

DR. ALBRIGHT, HELLO!

HELLO.

SORRY THERE'S NO CHAIR.

NOT A PROBLEM.

YOU KNOW DR. BYRON.

OF COURSE.

YOU SHOULD HAVE THAT REMOVED.

IT'S ALL I CAN LOOK AT.

EXCUSE ME.

WELL, LOOKS LIKE THERE'S JUST THE TWO OF US.

A PITCHER, PLEASE.

MAY I SEE YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE?

OH, YOU BET YOU CAN.

O.K., MRS. WU.

I DISCOVERED SOMETHING TODAY.

I NEED TO TRY IT OUT.

THORAZINE. I'LL GET SOME WATER.

H-H-HA-HA-HA HA HA...

YOU SEE, YOU KNOW THESE THINGS.

YOU'RE SO SMART,

AND YOUR--YOUR LOOKS

YOUR LOOKS ARE LIKE, UH, A BEER TAP,

A GOLDEN RUSH OF DRUNKEN BEAUTY WITH A NICE HEAD,

WHICH SPILLS ALL DOWN YOUR BLOUSE,

LEAVING YOU SWEET AND PUNGENT.

THAT WAS PATHETIC.

I'M SORRY I'M NOT AS GOOD A LIAR AS YOU ARE.

WELL, I'M SORRY. I'M LEAVING.

WAIT! YOU'RE NOT FINISHED WITH ME YET.

DO YOU MIND? WE'RE TALKING.

O.K. YOU WIN.

WHAT IS IT?

I'VE REALIZED THAT I CAN'T LIE TO YOU.

IT'S JUST NOT SOMETHING THAT I'M GOOD AT,

LIKE, LIKE...

ACTUALLY, I'M GOOD AT EVERYTHING.

CAN I TELL YOU THE TRUTH?

WHY NOT?

THE REAL TRUTH IS,

YOU'RE DELIGHTFUL.

I LOVE LOOKING INTO YOUR FACE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS ABOUT YOU.

MAYBE IT'S THE WAY THE LIGHT HITS YOUR EYES...

THE WINE...

BUT YOU LOOK PUFFY. YOU SHOULD GO HOME AND SLEEP.

THERE. IS THAT BETTER?

SADLY, YES.

MAY I WALK YOU HOME? BE HONEST.

O.K.

YOU KNOW, IF SOMEONE HAD TOLD ME A YEAR AGO

THAT I'D BE DRIVING A CAR...

AND SUCKING THE FLESH OFF A DEAD BIRD,

I'D HAVE CALLED HIM A LIAR.

BEING HUMAN IS FAR MORE COMPLEX THAN I THOUGHT.

THERE'S NO ABSOLUTE PERSONAL TRUTH HERE,

AND THESE BODIES DON'T COME WITH AN OWNER'S MANUAL,

SO EVERY DAY, THESE PEOPLE HAVE TO MAKE UP LIFE,

AND TRUTH BECOMES...

HIGHLY INDIVIDUAL.

OH, MY GOD, DICK,

WHAT IF THIS LYING THING

FALLS INTO THE HANDS OF THE POLITICIANS?

THAT'S A HORRIFYING THOUGHT.

I THINK THESE HUMANS BEND THE TRUTH

BECAUSE THIS IS A DIFFICULT PLACE TO LIVE.

IT'S A LONELY BLUE DOT ON THE FAR END OF THE GALAXY.

ALL THE HALF-TRUTHS AND FLATTERY AND DIPLOMACY

ARE THE LUBRICANT THAT PEOPLE SPREAD ON EACH OTHER

TO GET OVER THE ROUGH SPOTS.

IT'S EASIER ON OUR PLANET.

NO ONE EVER LIES.

EXCEPT WHEN YOU DON'T WANT TO HELP SOMEBODY MOVE.