Original subtitles

Do you really think I didn't know?

Three, two, one, bingo!

This is Peter Falk Here are some scenes from the next episode of Columbo

Did he leave a note?

No, ma'am Nothing to write with

But he took off his belt

I'm Lieutenant Columbo and I'm looking for a Miss Veronica Bryce

Me!

Do you think Veronica did it, Lieutenant?

But she could've got an idea

who did kill him

(CLOCK TICKING)

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(MACHINE WHIRRING)

ABIGAIL ON TAPE All right, Veronica, this ones for the Ladies Club

Just a rough copy to play with

I come before you as the author of 32 books on the same subject

In other words, I have one of the most limited minds in the world

Thats bad enough, but to limit myself

to writing about murder seems to

Veronica dear, you still here?

VERONICA Just winding up III be right in

Oh

Galleys ready, Abigail?

This much, anyway Good

I should have sent you home hours ago

Oh!

Something wrong?

Don't you hear it?

No

I think it's a nightingale

We haven't had any for years

I don't hear anything

I'll be sure these get off in the morning

Just one small thing

Would you call Edmund for me?

Ask him to stop by tomorrow

Phone your nephew

Well, he's not my nephew

He was merely married to my niece

That's an entirely different thing, my dear

Perhaps he would like to take me for a walk on the beach

2:30 would be nice

Okay

Wait a minute I do hear something

What?

A nightingale

What a clever girl you are

Good night, Abby

(DOOR CLOSING)

ABIGAIL ON TAPE manage an escape from my own particular pathology

I have, heaven help me, made attempts at humor,

romance, a childrens novel,

and one perfectly detestable essay on

the deterioration of the British royal family

since the American Revolution

(SEAGULLS CAWING)

ABIGAIL: As for the broad Pacific,

I find that rather an effeminate body of water

EDMUND: Nobody but you could put down a whole ocean

Oh

Down on the Cape,

when I was a girl, I watched the Atlantic day and night

How it churned and boiled and roared

Did it roar the night Phyllis was drowned?

Abby, please don't

(CLICKS TONGUE)

I loved my niece With all my heart

With all the love that I could ever give anyone

You loved her, too, didn't you, Edmund?

She was my wife

And you loved her?

Yes, I loved her

It must've been terrible for you

Alone in a sailboat, coming up from the cabin

and Phyllis gone

Disappeared in the darkness and we never had even

the comfort of finding the body,

of knowing she was safely buried

The Coast Guard tried

And you tried

I know what you did

Everything you did

(HORSES APPROACHING)

She was only five years old when I gave her the rights to the play Birthday Present

I would have left her everything

Now, there's no one but you We're all that's left of her

So, when I die,

I intend to make you my principal heir

Abby, I can't Don't comment

I detest being edited

I'm not gonna stand here and discuss your death

Just accept the fact you'll inherit a great deal of money

Don't pretend that doesn't please you

There

Life is short, life is fleeting

I'm glad you're not going to protest

because, you see, Edmund,

I really have made up my mind about you

and about me

(STOPWATCH TICKING)

Annie, my bags are ready

MARTIN: Anything in this document to the contrary

(TYPEWRITER CLACKING)

notwithstanding, being of sound mind

Oh, Miss Mitchell, your nephew finished with his dinner

Edmund? Did he eat well? Oh, very well, ma'am

Isn't that nice?

I always like to hear a young man has a good appetite

(TICKING)

(DOOR CLOSING)

Edmund, how nice you look

Oh

Dressed for the occasion

I didn't realize there was an occasion

I want to sign my new will in your presence

Give you a lovely sense of security

Abby, I want you to understand

I hope you live forever

I don't want anything from you

It's not a question of what you want

It's what I want

And I do not intend to live forever

If I did, I wouldn't go flying around in airplanes

I wouldn't sleep a wink

if I don't settle all this business before we take off

Murder of the Year closes, you know, tomorrow night

I wanna be there for the last performance

After 19 years, you've had a pretty good run

Well, the rights belonged to Phyllis, you know

And to you now, since the accident

I understand they'll be doing it in Warsaw

Oh, Edmund, would you bring me my jewel case It's in the safe

EDMUND: Certainly

ABIGAIL: Large leather box, rather flossylooking

You'll find it

Martin is coming with me

He speaks very sternly to my publishers

Abby, the light doesn't work

Oh

It hasn't worked for months

I'll have to speak to Veronica about it

Now, this comes

Well, that goes with me

Oh, I'll need some cash

Those metal boxes, third one from the top

There you are

My God, Abby

Somebody's God, I suppose

Back it goes

Respectfully

All right, Abby

Edmund

Nice to see you again, sir

Thank you

Could we gather here, please?

Abby, this is your new will

Your signature is here

Edmund, this is your will

Mine?

I took the liberty of asking Martin

to draw up your will, too

You're my heir, I'll be your heir

If you should predecease me,

a most unlikely event,

then the rights to Murder of the Year

would come back to where they started Is that all right?

I should have thought of that myself

As you said, Abby, we have nobody but each other now

May I have a pen, please?

Aren't you going to read it?

Why?

Don't you think I trust her?

Now, Martin, would you ask Veronica to witness these?

Abby, that plane is not going to wait for us

They might if I ask them

It might at that

(DOOR CLOSING)

There The deed is done

Edmund, there's just one more thing

Only three people know the combination

My attorney, Veronica and myself

Now I want you to have it, too

Abby, I'd rather I didn't

Well, Martin would also rather you didn't

But this is my safe

We'll sneak around Martin and do as I wish

I want you

to drive away,

then come back the service road

Wait for me by the side door

and I'll see Martin doesn't disturb us for a few minutes

Whatever you say, Abby

Have a fine trip, Abby Mr Hammond

We will, dear

Abby, we're cutting it awfully close

I'll just get my coat

Martin, I have to show you something

Not now, Abby Now!

I'll say goodbye, now, ma'am

Goodbye, Annie

Abigail, you are the most exasperating woman I have ever met

I accept all superlatives

(CHUCKLES)

It's this switch It hisses

And the lamps don't go on

There could be a fire

For Pete's sake, Abby

Well, you're so clever with these things

I won't sleep a wink if you don't fix it

With what? This

(CHUCKLING)

Anything, Abby, anything to get us out of here Oh, I love you

(INAUDIBLE)

(TICKING)

This is the alarm

It has to be off, as it is now

Okay

Now, the combination

Write it down, dear

You have to turn it to the right

three times,

then start it in this position,

on the 12

Right

No trick at all

Now you must memorize it

(GASPING)

We've forgotten the wills

These have to go in the safe

Where do they go?

Those metal boxes on the top Okay

Edmund,

you murdered my Phyllis

Do you really think I didn't know?

Madam, your switch is fixed

Of course, it is

ABIGAIL: Thank you, Martin

Don't dawdle, Martin

Remember, we do have a plane to catch

MARTIN: The next time, Abby, let's take the day flight

ABIGAIL: Days are for work Nights are for play

Stewardess, may I have another Scotch?

VERONICA ON PHONE I still cant believe it, Abby

I opened the safe this morning and he was there

Edmunds body

You have to come back right away, please, Abby

ABIGAIL: Stewardess, may I have another Scotch, please?

(POLICE DISPATCHER CHATTERING ON RADIO)

Abby, are you all right?

Yes, absolutely I'm so sorry I had to call you like this, but

I'm Abigail Mitchell

I heard nothing at all strange that night

And I'm a very light sleeper

(CLOCK TICKING)

(CAMERA CLICKING)

Miss Mitchell?

I'm Sergeant Burke

You know about the body in there, ma'am?

(STUTTERING) Yes

We'll have the safe right open

Six, five, four, three, two, one, bingo!

Did you hear anything? Nothing

Soundproof

Excuse me, ma'am

You're Abigail Mitchell, "the best in murder"

I just want to say, ma'am,

that it's a very great honor to meet a famous author

I just wish we were meeting under happier circumstances

Thank you, young man You're very kind

My name is Lieutenant Columbo, ma'am Homicide

Mr Galvin, the deceased, I understand he was your nephew

No blood relation He was married to my niece

Yes, your secretary told us

how your niece died

in a boating accident four months ago

They loved each other so

It's inconceivable that

another accident could take Edmund's life

Excuse me, ma'am

What accident was that?

My safe, his death

Oh, I doubt that was an accident, ma'am

I doubt that very much

Now, he did have the combination to your safe

I gave it to him last night

And we found it in his pocket

But could you just take a look over here, ma'am?

All done, Lieutenant

Anything else?

Out back, Sergeant

You know what we're looking for

Yes, sir

This is your burglar alarm, ma'am

When your secretary came in this morning to open the safe,

she found the alarm switch on, like this

Now, the question is,

how did your nephew get into the safe

all by himself

when the alarm was on the whole time?

I can't imagine I

I'm so confused

Oh, I can't really imagine you confused, Miss Mitchell

Not someone who can plan a murder like you

I mean all your mysteries, ma'am

But me, I don't mind admitting that I'm confused and I am

because

we didn't just find your nephew's body in the safe

Now, all this was spread out on the floor of the safe

just the way you see it

(STUTTERING) That's one of my manuscripts

The Night I Was Murdered

Well, it was pulled apart, ma'am

Nothing missing All the pages are there

But pulled apart

You don't suppose Edmund was reading it to pass the time?

Surely he must have expected to be rescued

Well, the light in the safe doesn't work, ma'am

And he only had six matches,

which he used up

Poor soul

Burning up his oxygen

Did he leave a note?

No, ma'am Nothing to write with

But he took off his belt

His belt?

His belt, ma'am

It has little flecks of black something, like paint, on the buckle

The medical examiner says the same black stuff

is under your nephew's fingernails

Scratching at the door of his death trap

Oh, hideous

Well, the thing is, ma'am,

the only black paint around the door

is on the outside

And then, Miss Mitchell, there are these

Two pieces of paper with torn edges

Nothing on them

Oh, dear

I'm afraid I can't absorb it all

Baffling, isn't it?

I was hoping you might be able to explain

Do you mind if we leave this room?

The whole thing is so oppressive

Certainly, ma'am I understand

Oh, Abby, I put a tea tray in the living room

After that, you really should get some rest

I couldn't possibly, dear

Besides, I have work to do with Lieutenant Columbo

"I have work to do with Lieutenant Columbo"

I wish Mrs Columbo could hear that

I'll tell you, she's one of your biggest fans

I mean, the day that one of your books comes out,

she's the first one to put her order in at the library

Delighted, Lieutenant

This certainly is a charming room

Very nice little things you have standing around, ma'am

Very nice

Very nice

You know, a woman in your position, ma'am,

(PLAYING THIS OLD MAN)

I'm surprised you don't have an attorney here with you

I don't understand

No I mean, an important person like you

and how you had your attorney here last night

and he flew to New York with you

and I would've thought that he would come back with you

I did not consider it appropriate to return

to a corpse in my safe in my home,

hand in hand with my lawyer

The image lacks civility

One lump, two?

Three, thank you, ma'am

You know what I'm dying to ask you?

All those books,

all those brilliant schemes,

how do you think of them?

By putting myself in your position

Isn't that something?

That's just what I said to Mrs Columbo

I said, "When that woman writes,

"she don't think like a murderer,

"she thinks like a policeman"

(CHUCKLING)

Having composed myself,

I'm ready to think like a policeman now

I believe I can explain what happened here last night

and why the switch was on this morning

Oh, I would appreciate that, ma'am That would be a big help

Uh

Can I sit in this?

Well, that's what it was made for 400 years ago

(CHAIR CREAKING)

I gave Edmund the combination to my safe

after my decision to leave him a great deal of money

Are you aware of that?

Yes, ma'am We found the wills in one of those metal boxes

He drove away just before we left for the airport

My attorney was here at the time

My maid, my secretary

Later last night,

Edmund must have returned

He knew I keep a great deal of money in my safe

You mean he came back to steal?

Well, let's say to take an advance against his inheritance

It seems I misjudged Edmund

But you see, Lieutenant,

I neglected to turn the alarm back on

when I closed the safe last night

I called Annie from the airport, my maid

She came into the living room to switch it on

Edmund was already in the safe, I believe

He heard her coming,

he panicked, he pulled the door shut

and the dial must have jumped

and locked itself

It does that sometimes You may check it out yourself

I already did, ma'am

Well, then you see, it was an accident

Well, that certainly makes sense

An accident

That's probably what it was

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Excuse me Lieutenant, we found it

Can I talk to you?

Yes, Sergeant

(INAUDIBLE)

Excuse me, Miss Mitchell

I can't tell you what a big help you've been

A big help to Lieutenant Columbo

I wish my publishers could hear you say that

(DOOR CLOSING)

(COLUMBO WHISTLING THIS OLD MAN)

(WHISTLING FADES)

VERONICA: Abby

Here, you'd better drink this

It looks like an awful day

Yes, doesn't it, dear?

Nephew's

Wait a minute, let me see that shoe

That's a very nice shoe

You like that shoe, Sergeant?

It's very nice, Lieutenant

Well, it's practically new

That's terrific I'm looking for a pair of shoes just like this

You see, I like them rounded toes

It's Frenchstyle The French started that

Oh, made in Italy

Well, what's the difference? I like them, you see

Used to be very big in this country

How do, ma'am?

Well, if you fancy them, Lieutenant,

as Edmund's legal heir,

I'm empowered to make you a gift of his shoes

Oh, that's very kind of you, ma'am, but no thanks

It's true I am in the market for a pair of shoes

and I was caught by the style,

but they're not my size

They do fit the footprint, though

We're making a plaster cast

Yes, very impressive

But we do know that Edmund was here

Remember? He was found dead in my safe

Well, the only question is, ma'am, how did he get into the house?

Presumably with a key

My niece knew that I kept them here

She must have told Edmund

Here, wait a minute

There

(GASPING) Uhoh, fingerprints Is it too late?

I would say so, yes, ma'am

Well, then if there's nothing else

Well, as a matter of fact, there is, Miss Mitchell

It's about your nephew's car keys

You and everyone else saw him drive away

We found the car back there on the service road

So he had to have car keys

But there were no car keys on the body

So the question is,

what happened to his keys?

I can't imagine What do you think?

Oh, I'm not a writer, ma'am

It's not what I think, it's what I can prove

And I can't prove a thing about those car keys

But I'm gonna work on it, ma'am

I'm gonna work on it very hard

Could I have one of these flowers for Mrs Columbo?

I insist, Lieutenant

Wait till I tell her it came from Abigail Mitchell

Goodbye, ma'am

Ma'am, if there's nothing else,

I'll be turning in

Yes, it's time we all had some rest

What are you doing, Annie?

That policeman, ma'am, the one that's in charge

He kept putting his cigar butts in the sand

I dumped it out and made it nice and fresh

Dumped it where?

In the trash, ma'am

It was just before the garbage truck come

Oh, thank you, Annie

Oh, ma'am, one more thing

Yes? There were some keys here in the sand

Were there?

Yes Miss Veronica said they were hers

She'd been looking for them

And Miss Veronica took her keys?

Oh, yes, ma'am

How fortunate for her

Good night, Annie Good night

Oh, Abby

Before I split, I thought you might like

the draft of the women's club speech

Oh, thank you, dear

Good night

Oh, Veronica Yeah?

Is there anything else?

I can't think of anything

Can you?

Not for now

Tomorrow is another day, isn't it?

It better be

Good night, boss

Good night

(DOOR CLOSING)

(SCREECHING TO A HALT)

ABIGAIL: You may take this as another confession

I cannot write any kind of fiction

that doesn't have a murder or a sleuth in it There you are

(WOMEN LAUGHING)

As Agatha Christie said when someone asked her

why she didn't write other kinds of novels,

"Madam, one does what one can, not what one can't"

(ALL LAUGHING)

Very good, you know

Putting the murderer behind bars

is the business of detective fiction

or committing him or her to the executioner

Why?

Why do so many readers take joy in that?

Is it because we're punishing something that we feel in ourselves?

Is there murder in our civilized hearts?

Obviously, there is in mine And I'm wellpaid

(ALL LAUGHING)

(APPLAUDING)

Well, now, well, now,

there are murderers and then there are murders

Once upon a time the offended party

could issue a challenge to a duel

What a wonderful solution to a problem!

By the time the duel ended,

the problem no longer existed

Of course, dueling existed only for our forefathers,

not our foremothers

Chauvinism at its very worst

However, however,

women were the cooks

and there was all sorts of poison available

(ALL CLAPPING)

(ABIGAIL CHUCKLING)

In our midst today, ladies,

there is someone who deals with murder

In fact, for him, it's a fact of life

Real and frightening, a dark probability from which he must defend us

I wonder if we could

prevail upon Detective Lieutenant Columbo

of the Police Homicide Division

to say a few words to us?

Oh, come on

She got you

You're adorable

Listen! Perhaps, perhaps,

Lieutenant Columbo will speak to us

on his special field,

hypermodern chemical techniques

and their application to advanced criminology

There you go

(ALL APPLAUDING)

I talk better when this is lit

I didn't expect anything like this

I came here just like you to enjoy the famous Abigail Mitchell

As for all that chemical stuff,

I think Miss Mitchell was putting you on

because I don't know anything about that

And about my work being dark and frightening,

I'll tell you the truth,

I'm not sure about that, either

I like my job Oh, I like it a lot

And I'm not depressed by it

And I don't think the world is full of criminals

and full of murderers

Because it isn't

It's full of nice people just like you

And if it wasn't for my job,

I wouldn't be getting to meet you like this

And I'll tell you something else

Even with some of the murderers that I meet,

I even like them, too

Sometimes

Like them and even respect them

Not for what they did, certainly not for that

But for that part of them which is intelligent

or funny or just nice

Because there's niceness in everyone,

a little bit, anyhow

You can take a cop's word for it

Thank you, ladies

(ALL CHATTERING)

ABIGAIL: Oh, thank you, dear

Thank you so much I'm so glad you liked it

How nice of you to come

Miss Mitchell, ma'am Yes

I thought you made a wonderful speech

You're gonna forgive my little prank?

I'm gonna tell you a secret, ma'am

I enjoyed myself

(LAUGHING)

I'll tell you the reason that I wanted to see you, Miss Mitchell

I would like to take a look at your nephew's apartment

Whatever for?

Oh, if I knew that, ma'am, I wouldn't have to look at it

Now you're inheriting the property and all,

so, I'd like you to be there, too I could run you over

My car is right here It's French

Very rare

Oh, yes, I can see why

Would you consider joining me?

I'm gonna make a request, ma'am

Would you allow me to drive this car?

Okay Thank you very much

Abby, are you all set?

Well, it was all set

But you see, now I have a mission with Lieutenant Columbo

The travel agency called about the stateroom

You want me to take care of it?

Oh, yes Just tell them "A" deck again Right

You know, I can remember the only new car my father ever bought

How proud he was The way it smelled

Kind of like the inside of a Pullman car

It wasn't like this, though, I'll tell you that Mmm

My father never owned a car Not until I bought him one

I was 20 I'd just sold my first book

Shall we compare poverty stories, Lieutenant?

Not in a RollsRoyce, ma'am

What a treat to watch a consummate professional at work

(MUMBLING) You may ignore me Proceed to detect

Well, there won't be much to watch, ma'am

Oh

What did you say that your nephew did for a living?

Well, now, you see those quaint objects up against the wall?

Those are called skis

And this funny whatchamacallit,

this over here, that is called a tennis racket

Now, this gizmo on the wall is a sailboat's wheel

You may deduce what Edmund did with his time

Any enemies, would you say?

Oh, I can't imagine why there should be

Are you still going to hold to that theory

of malice and murder?

Until I find those keys, ma'am

Are they in the drawer?

You're putting me on again, Miss Mitchell

Would you kindly observe me in this other room?

Back there at the Ladies' Club, ma'am,

when you were talking to Veronica,

she said something about a stateroom and you said "A" deck

Oh, yes, yes

I'm sailing in three days The Far East

Off with the old, on with the new Whatever that means

I've decided to do my new book on shipboard

Oh, I wouldn't count on that, ma'am

We're gonna need your presence here in town

until this thing is settled

There's nothing to settle

Bear with me, ma'am

My plans were made weeks ago

I know you'll understand

I do not understand

You'll have to discuss this with my attorney

Well, I think we're finished here, Miss Mitchell

What, precisely, have you found out from all this poking around?

I'm surprised, I really am

Didn't you see it?

Evidently not

Your niece and her husband, you said they were very much in love

Well, they couldn't have been

In fact, they must've had a very poor marriage

You see, Miss Mitchell, there aren't any pictures of Edmund's dead wife

Not a single one

And I'll be very glad to talk to your attorney, ma'am

Playing hooky again, huh?

That's the blessing of being two years ahead with my books

I can squander an afternoon

I thought you should know that Lieutenant Columbo's back again

Is he? Mmmhmm In the library

Whatever does he expect to find in there?

(BEE BUZZING)

These? Edmund's car keys

I knew the police were looking for them

So were you, Abby In the sand

How very thoughtful of you, dear

I believe we'll have this one, too

Oh, yes, it's lovely

Abby,

I've been meaning to speak to you about my salary

After all, we've been together nearly four years

I thought more like a bonus

Perhaps a long trip You've never been to Europe

Oh, but I wouldn't wanna be away from you for too long

Besides, it might end up like one of your plots

I mean by the time I get back,

the police might even somehow

suspect me of murdering Edmund

Yes, I understand

I thought maybe we could travel together

On your cruise

I've never been on a cruise

Delightful idea You could help me with my book

And there'd be plenty of time to talk about our futures

Oh, Abby, I

I do hope you don't think I'm forcing myself

Oh, my dear, I'm always been baffled

by people who say they won't submit to force

I can't think of anything else to submit to, can you?

(CLOCK TICKING)

(DOOR CLOSING)

MARTIN: Lieutenant Columbo?

Lieutenant Columbo?

Yes?

How do you do?

I'm Martin Hammond, Miss Mitchell's attorney

Oh, right

You were in New York Yes

Would you care to join me?

Lieutenant, I trust you realize that

Miss Mitchell is a rather influential lady

Oh, I'm aware of that, sir

I saw all those pictures of her

signed by Eisenhower and Truman

and Kennedy and Mahatma Gandhi

How did she know Mahatma Gandhi?

Perhaps from her travels

By the way, she intends to travel again

She's leaving the day after tomorrow

Oh, I don't think I can permit that, sir

Why not?

Well, as Miss Mitchell said,

the body was found in her safe in her house

But Edmund had left this house

He drove away in front of three witnesses,

one of which was myself

He returned,

well, I don't know when, but it was some time after

Miss Mitchell had departed for New York

That's a fact to which I also am a witness, Lieutenant

So do you propose to hold her as a suspect?

No, sir, I don't think I could properly do that

As a material witness, then?

No, I don't think I could do that, either, sir,

since the lady wasn't here

Do you think that these two pieces of paper go together, sir?

No, they do not

Would you say that something is missing?

I would say something appears to be missing

You're a very good attorney, sir, very convincing

Goodbye

Goodbye, Lieutenant

Very good lawyer, sir Very convincing

(MIDDLE EASTERN MUSIC PLAYING)

Great Roll off the right foot, honey

Fine

Dance it, enjoy it

Great More hips, hips, hips

Good Now make it sensual but dignified,

it's not a striptease

Combination, hips Great

Both sides, use both sides

Arms up

Stomach, stomach, good

You're terrific

Excuse the interruption, ma'am

I'm Lieutenant Columbo and I'm looking for a Miss Veronica Bryce

Yes, Lieutenant?

You?

Me!

Excuse the interruption, I'm sorry

More questions?

Just a few

Thank you Over here

All right Thank you

Excuse me

Hey, that's quite a costume you got there, ma'am

I thought this was just some kind of an exercise class

Well, that's exactly what it is

Now, what can I do for you, Lieutenant?

Lieutenant? Yes, ma'am Yes

Now, it's about how you came to find Edmund's body in the safe

It wasn't very difficult I just opened the door and there he was

What I mean is how did you come to open the safe

on that particular morning at that particular time?

Do you usually open the safe once a week,

twice a week, once a month? How often?

Whenever I have something to put in it

That morning I'd finished typing Abby's new book

The Night I was Murdered, that book?

No, no The Night I was Murdered was last year's book

This is a brandnew one

She told me to be sure to lock it in the safe

as soon as I'd finished typing the last few pages

When did she tell you that, ma'am, the night before?

Yes, the night before

Excuse me, Lieutenant, but this is the last class before we sail

You mean you're sailing with Miss Mitchell?

Does that surprise you?

Well, yes, ma'am, it does

It's just that there in front of the Ladies' Club,

I got the impression that you were making the arrangements just for her

Oh, did you?

Well, I'm included now, is that all right?

Oh, certainly

Excuse me Pardon me

Sorry, sorry, ma'am, forgive me

(BIRDS CAWING)

COLUMBO: Good morning, ma'am

What a nice surprise

Oh! Good morning, Lieutenant

Do you love surprises as much as I do?

Well, that depends, ma'am

I've had some nasty ones

And given a few, I guess

Do you come here often?

Well, sometimes in the mornings, walk my dog

Is he all right?

Well, yes, ma'am

Do you see something wrong?

He seems to be scraping bottom

Well, that's the way they were made

He likes to look at the boats

We come down here in the mornings and walk and think

In my business, the thinking never stops

He loves the ocean

How can you tell? It makes him frisky

Had enough?

Okay Now don't go away Stay

He's trained

Amazing

I've been watching the sailboat

Oh, beautiful thing Not to me

It's like the one Phyllis was drowned on

I looked into that, ma'am

She disappeared from the boat

But the police, they don't know for a fact that she died of drowning

I didn't know the police took all that interest

It was so officially closed

Well, there was nothing else they could do, ma'am

No

Nope Nothing else

That must have been very hard losing someone you love like that

I've been very lucky

I've lost my parents, that's the way of the world

But to lose someone that young, that's like being cheated

That's very hard

I'm beginning to be very fond of you, Lieutenant

I think you're a very kind man

Don't count on that, Miss Mitchell

Don't count on it

Here, dog, come here, dog

Come on

I still think Edmund was murdered

And I'm still looking for the car keys

When I find the keys,

I'll find the murderer

You quite sure, Lieutenant?

Very sure, ma'am

These are the car keys

And I didn't murder Edmund

He drove away, I went to New York Remember?

I found them this morning, out back

Out back?

COLUMBO: Right there, ma'am?

Next to this sprinkler?

ABIGAIL: Right there

Right there

Well, ma'am,

I don't know what to say

Well, you might say Edmund dropped his keys

I'm a very old woman I know you think I'm stupid

To tell you the truth, I'm only really intelligent when I write

Still, it seems clear to me, there was Edmund's car,

there were the keys and there was Edmund

Yes, ma'am, that certainly explains it

It certainly does

I'll be running off now

Goodbye, young man

Oh, Lieutenant Columbo

Just one more question

Yes, ma'am

Are you prepared to drop your murder theory?

The ship hasn't sailed yet, ma'am

(HORN BLARING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Have a fine time now, ma'am

And you too, Annie You enjoy your vacation

I will I will

(EXCLAIMING)

Well, Martin

All brighteyed and bushytailed, aren't you?

Yes!

Well, you are quite a girl, Miss Abigail Mitchell

I just write well

Thanks for rescuing me from the Lieutenant's clutches

Oh, that was my very great pleasure

Oh, Veronica, bon voyage

Oh, thank you, Mr Hammond

Well, take care, love

And call me any time you find a body in your safe

Abby, my God, it's like a dream

How can I thank you?

You'll find a way, my dear

Is it all right if I go on deck?

You're free to do whatever you please

Excuse me, Lieutenant

All visitors must go ashore Are you sailing with me?

Oh, it's not that I wouldn't like that, ma'am

Mrs Columbo and I tried it It was terrific

Then goodbye

Thanks for seeing me off

Well, the fact is, Miss Mitchell, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave with me

Well, that's impossible

Not really, ma'am

I have a bench warrant here to show to the captain

May I ask why?

Well, ma'am, it's those car keys again

You see these pictures, ma'am?

These are shots of Edmund's footprint

taken out there in back of your house

That was the day that Veronica found the body

Now, this picture here,

we had a section of this blown up

Here's the blowup

You see by this sprinkler head here,

that's right where you said you found Edmund's keys

Right under that bush, ma'am

But there aren't any keys there,

not the day that Edmund was killed

You see that?

So how can you say that you found them there yesterday?

The curse of old age, Lieutenant, forgetfulness

One bush is much like another

Do you want me to speak to the captain, ma'am?

I'm gonna be needing your help back there at the house

Excuse me, I need my coat out there

And I'll need mine

(WHIRRING)

If you don't mind, ma'am?

Is this the important help you needed?

Oh, no, ma'am I'm gonna need a lot more help than that

To the desk, ma'am

You see these two pieces of paper, ma'am?

You can see that there is a missing piece

And I kept saying to myself,

I kept thinking,

there's Edmund locked in there in the safe

Now supposing, just supposing, I'm right and you're wrong,

there he is locked in there by the murderer

And he certainly must've known who that was

If I'm right, that is

Would you agree, ma'am?

If you insist

Then, I said to myself, if I was Edmund,

if I knew I was going to die in there,

I would want the murderer punished

I would certainly want the police to know who murdered me

But you have nothing to write with, Edmund

Absolutely correct

And even if I could've written out an accusation,

I would have no way of being certain

who would be the first person to open the safe and find it,

or destroy it

I mean, for all Edmund knew,

it could have been the murderer who would be

the first person to open the safe

But I can't get it out of my head

that the dead man left us something,

a message

Some sort of sign

(EXCLAIMING) The missing piece of paper

Not exactly, ma'am

That's a puzzle, all right

But I keep thinking that Edmund maybe

left us a different kind of puzzle

These safe deposit boxes, ma'am,

they've all been in and out of the safe a half dozen times since the murder

Stacked every which way

May I put them here? Sure

Now, you remember that Edmund had black paint

under his fingernails and on his belt buckle

like he was trying to scratch at something

And the only black paint with scratches is on these boxes

Nice, fresh, new scratches

Do you see the scratches, ma'am?

(EXCLAIMING)

His message from the grave

Please, ma'am, bear with me

It's like we have to interpret them,

put them in some kind of order

If there is an order, that is

That's why I need your help, ma'am

Your particular kind of mind

I suppose we could start almost anywhere

Let's turn this top box over

and see what that's like

What do you make of that, ma'am?

A "V" "V" for victory

Perhaps he was expressing his lifeforce

(GASPING) Or is it "V" for Veronica?

How very cruel of her

Do you think Veronica did it, Lieutenant?

Oh, I doubt that, ma'am I doubt that very much

But she could have got an idea who did kill him

Really? What a clever girl she is

Perhaps it's upside down

(EXCLAIMING)

An unfinished "A" "A" for Annie

Did Annie, my maid, do it? We haven't got a butler

Abigail Mitchell

"A" for Abigail, ma'am

Was he accusing me?

Are you accusing me, Lieutenant?

I wasn't here

Right, ma'am That's a fact

Well, let's take this second one and turn it around

Well, we could turn this upside down and put it on top

Mmmhmm

A "Y"

Maybe it's a cosmic question, "Why? "

Dear Edmund in the safe,

questioning the meaning of life

Or why he was murdered, ma'am?

Oh, every character I write

knows exactly why he was murdered

Let's try again

About those car keys,

the only way you could have got them after Edmund left

is for Edmund to have come back before you left for the airport

And you were with him, ma'am Edmund and you were together

That's very extravagant of you, Lieutenant

Can you prove that?

No, ma'am, no

Not a chance

What do you make of that, ma'am?

(GROANING)

An arrow An arrow

pointing straight down

Do you think he wanted to call attention to his new shoes?

Excuse me, ma'am

ABIGAIL: An arrow

pointing straight to heaven Heaven is my destination?

He wanted us to know the light doesn't work

He was always a bit of a complainer

It's the title page from your manuscript, ma'am

The Night I Was Murdered?

It's the missing piece

You see, these two words have been rubbed out by a burned match

Would you mind reading it for me, ma'am?

Out loud, please, ma'am?

"I Was Murdered"

Go on, ma'am

"by Abigail Mitchell"

Murdered by Abigail Mitchell

Deathbed testimony

That's considered very strong evidence, ma'am

I understand why you did it, Miss Mitchell

Veronica will spit when she hears

I don't suppose you would

consider making an exception in my case?

An old woman,

quite harmless, all in all

Under the circumstances,

your kindness

I thank you for the compliment

But you're a very professional person in your work and so am I

Very professional indeed

Just think, Lieutenant

If you had investigated my niece's death,

all this need never have happened

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