Original subtitles

Thank you.

I shot one.

um oh

Thank you.

He's going in

Chief Inspector. Chief Inspector, hello to the chief.

Good to see you. Your disguise is ready for the final fitting. I'm sure you will

be pleased.

Good, good. Inspector Crusoe is here. Chief, yes, Chief Inspector.

Chief! Yes. Listen, I saw some very interesting noses there.

Oh, those noses over there? They're for the amateurs. I have some in my private

stock. Oh, wonderful.

Yes, you always did have a nose for those.

How are you?

I'm sorry, but our Valentine's Day stock isn't ready yet, but we have some

beauties here for you. Yes. All right, let's try this one first. Ah, here's a

marvelous one.

Inspector. All right.

Let me just get that on there.

Here? What do you think of that? Oh, wait, wait.

Yes. I call this one the Vevy Ver.

Yes, do you like it?

It's from our Stuyvesant line.

You like it?

I almost took your nose with that for just a moment.

Let's try this. What are you doing?

Get in there.

Turner, come over here.

Let's try this one now, Inspector.

I think you will like this one very much. It's very suitable for your face.

Fits in with your lines. What do you think of that?

Call this one Vinyl and Roses.

Yes, you know this? Why is it?

The veins are quite lifelike, don't you agree?

See, I'm particularly part of the enlarged pores.

Look at this one right here.

No,

I wasn't crazy about it either, or I'm sorry, something is.

Something's missing, all right. Something missing there. How about that?

You know what I mean? Does that supply it for you?

Oh, that's very nice. There is a nose.

Auguste. That is a nose. You have a nose for noses.

I always can tell immediately I see the nose. We call this one our inky dinky

doo. Inky dinky doo.

What did you have to go with this?

We'll find something that will keep you very warm too. This has a nice effect

with that nose. That is too legal. Too legal? I want something that is sort of

warm. How can I say?

Leave it to Dr.

Bohm. Oh, Auguste.

Auguste, look what you have done.

You're a genius.

We need something.

Something is missing. Yes, I know what's missing. Here are some teeth on the

house. Let me see how they look.

Perfect! Perfect!

Look at this!

You are a genius at your art, my dear boy.

He's still inside.

What do you want us to do when he comes out?

Martha, come down and wrap the chief inspector's purchase, please.

I've recently been doing something very daring in a stump.

Arm and leg.

Only 900 francs for the complete kit.

Yes, yes. It has been my experience, Auguste, that in an emergency, a stump

can get in the way. All right. Martha, you remember chief inspector Clouseau?

I never set eyes on this gentleman before.

Good evening, Martha.

I cannot believe my eyes.

That is because your husband is a genius, madame, a genius.

Wrap these up, if you would, please. And I want that nose to go with it.

Impossible.

Oh, money is no object. That is absolutely the ugliest news I have ever

seen in my life. It is so revolting. It is a masterpiece.

It is also Martha's own nose.

My compliments, madam.

It suits you.

Thank you, Chief Inspector.

Thank you.

I will get your bill.

My God, Auguste, what have you done?

The left heel cleverly built up which gives added height and authority.

But the real secret is in the right heel.

The lifelike clubfoot look is caused by a built-in spring which digs into the

ankle causing excruciating pain.

Very realistic, don't you think?

Remarkable. How soon can I have a pair?

I can have them ready for you by Wednesday.

Thank you very much.

Well, again, Auguste, my sincere thanks. And to you, madame. Oh, you like the

hand? I'll tack them up with the shoes.

Don't worry, we're having a hand. It will come in handy.

Here's for scratching in case you have any hand job.

We will see you soon, Inspector.

Chief Inspector. Chief Inspector.

Goodbye. We'll see you soon. Goodbye.

for the third time in the memory of modern man the world's largest cut

diamond the famous pink panther has been stolen since the reign of akbar the

magnificent in the early 12th century until the recent bloodless coup of the

former colonel now president sandoval the pink panther has been the symbol of

continuity of the cure philly the ruling family of the tiny middle east nation of

lugash

Princess Dala, the last of the Curefili, surrounded the Pink Panther to the

current military regime, who have kept the gem under the tightest security.

I came as soon as I got your message, Commissioner.

I commend your promptness.

Thank you. You have heard of the theft in Lougache?

The Pink Panther?

Yes, of course.

It is in all the papers.

Soon, I imagine, they will be sending us a request.

for assistance in catching the criminals.

I have, as a matter of fact, already received such a request from the

president of Lougache personally.

I see.

How many men did the president ask for? Only one.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau.

Clouseau?

See that he's on the next plane?

Of course.

But, um, Commissioner, don't you think that someone more conventional would,

uh... not to take anything away from Clouseau, you understand, but in view of

the tense situation in the Middle East... I am aware of the tense

situation between you and Clouseau.

However, Lougache has requested Clouseau, and Clouseau, they will have

your fingers in my ink.

Apple.

What's he doing in there?

Ah, hello.

Nice weather we are having.

I had hoped we had finally laid to rest your obsession with Inspector Brousseau.

So had I, Doctor.

So had I.

And something has happened to bring on this relapse?

No, not something.

Someone. The one.

No. No, perhaps you're right. Something.

He is a thing.

Clouseau. Yes, Clouseau.

And your compulsion to kill Clouseau, is it also back?

Oh, yes.

Right. The thought of a world without Clouseau fills me with delight.

Like a summer with a thousand Julys. It intoxicates my soul with...

with... Your eyes.

What?

Intoxicates my soul with your eyes.

You just lapsed into the lyrics and you go to my head.

I did? I apologize.

Never apologize for Cole Porter.

Besides... Your subconscious has just confirmed what we already know.

That Clouseau has got it to my head.

Precisely. Now, how do you suppose you are going to get him out of there?

I don't know. I don't suppose.

You are supposed to suppose and give me all the answers.

Look, the commissioner wants him in Lugash. Well, let the commissioner

handle it. I don't want to know. I don't want to be there.

I want to be here with you.

What are you thinking, Doctor?

It wasn't called Potter.

It was Gillespe and Coots.

Yeah? The Deputy Commissioner to see you.

The Commissioner.

Send him in immediately.

I want to discuss the Pink Panther robbery.

I am at your service, Commissioner.

And I'm going to offer you more cigar.

Cigar. Pay no attention to the modern.

Let them just wail. Read this most carefully and give me your opinion.

I will read my opinion and give you yours most carefully.

Yes.

Do you have a light?

Yes, in the top left-hand row.

Ha ha ha!

I'm dancing in the night.

I'm dancing in the night.

What a wonderful feeling.

I'm happy in the night.

Always happy.

Excuse me.

Yes? Clouseau just called.

He wants me to take him to the airport.

Well, then take him.

Let the president of Lugach worry about his blood pressure for a while. He's not

going to Lugach.

What? He is booked on the 1215 flight to London.

To London? He suspects the Phantom to be responsible for the robbery.

And he said that since Sir Charles lives in England.

Sir Charles Little lives in the south of France.

Well, yes, sir.

Shall I tell him?

Don't bother.

He would just say, I knew that.

Trying to talk sense to Clouseau is like Einstein trying to explain relativity to

a minky.

Does Sir Charles know you're coming?

No, I wanted to remain a surprise.

Nerd.

What's wrong?

Your pop-out platter is refusing to pop out.

It's supposed to pop out automatically when it reaches a specific temperature.

What exactly is this specific temperature?

I don't know.

Well, you should have checked with the factory, because it is obvious that this

pop-out lighter has reached this specific pop-out temperature and is

refusing to pop out.

The first rule for the car owner, know your automobile.

But it is your automobile.

I know that, but it is not my pop-out lighter.

If it were my pop-out lighter, I would know the specific pop-out temperature.

Clouseau was trying to fix the lighter.

He's sure that someone planted a bomb in the car.

Yes, someone should have. I mean, could have done that.

He wired Scotland Yard and said he was arriving in disguise.

Disguise?

What kind of disguise? Disguised as what?

I see.

Well, how are we going to tell her how to look for him?

Boom. And...

Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.

Please return to your seat and fasten your seatbelt as there is turbulence

ahead. Thank you.

Oh.

Morning, sir.

Mustard salesman from Dijon.

Can I give you a lift, Monsieur Bordeaux? It would be very kind of you,

Mr. Yard.

Adornment. Yes, and how is Scotland these days?

Pardon? Scotland.

I have some relations who are from Scotland.

They're my grandmother and my father's side.

I'm quite fluent in the Gaelic, you know.

It is the night of Brobarac moons on the night of... That is.

Yes.

Inspector McLaren, this is Mr. Boutot.

How do you do?

I was just telling Sergeant Jard about my father-in-law's sister on my

sergeant's side, you know.

My own house, my own swimming pool.

My own 38, 23, 38.

Telegram. Read it to me.

Dear Chief Commissioner, happy birthday.

Hope to enjoy the 3,000 pounds of jello.

3,000 pounds of jello?

There must be some mistake.

Where would I put 3,000 pounds of jello?

Besides, only Clouseau would be stupid enough to send me 3,000 pounds of jello.

Now, this is Inspector Drummond of Scotland Yard. I know it's late. I hope

I didn't wake you up.

No, no, it's quite all right. As a matter of fact, you did me a favor.

Who is it?

What can I do for you, Inspector?

Well, it's about Inspector Clouseau.

MI5 called and reported that Libyan agents heard a rumor that there might be

an assassination attempt against Clouseau.

Who else wants to kill him?

I mean, who is behind it?

We don't know.

But it comes from a reliable source.

Now, we've told Clouseau, but he just laughed and said... The moving

finger writes.

Finger.

When it's Clouseau, he could mean anything.

Do you know what time it is?

Will you shut up?

No, not you.

Tell me, where is he now?

At his hotel.

Now, I think you should call him and order him back to Paris until we verify

this rumor one way or another. Under no circumstances allow him to go to

Lugache.

Yes? Do you have for me the massage?

Oh.

You want a massage, eh?

If you have one for me, yes.

Here. Why don't you talk Tokyo a little, the end of the block?

Ask for Passionflower Shirley, the Yokohama butterfly.

And why should I do that?

Well, you want a massage, don't you?

Yes, but I want it from you.

Sir, I don't give massages.

But you gave me one only this morning.

See, you're mistaken.

Look. Don't you try the tricks anglais with me, monsieur.

I received the massage this morning from Inspector Quimland of the Art of

Scotland. The massage!

And it was you that gave it to me. Message!

What? You mean message.

Look, I know what I mean, you lunatic.

Now, do you or do you not have for me the massage?

No, sir.

For you, there is no massage.

Grasmo Hotel.

Reading. Out.

He just went up to his room.

Old ring.

Yes, this is Chief Inspector Clouseau.

Send your bed down, sir.

Yes, you were saying?

What was that you were saying?

Your massage!

You're killed!

I knew that.

I've got a headache and I don't want to hear another word about it. Then don't

involve yourself every time you get mixed up with Clusius. That's enough!

What do you think you're doing?

What does it look like I'm doing?

You can't. I'm doing the same thing I've been doing every morning for the last

two years. But you can't. And I'm sick and tired of you telling me what I can

do and what I can't. Suit yourself.

I think you made a mistake, Colonel.

Wrong.

And never call me Colonel, Colonel Buffoni. I am now your president and I

am infallible.

And so, sir, in the new Constitution.

But you wrote yourself when you were still a colonel.

And you were a captain, Colonel, which you could soon become again, you

understand. Yes, Mr.

President.

It's just that sending for clues, though.

Well, this joke of genius.

You found the Pink Panther before, you will find it again.

Possibly. And then...

Then, the grateful people of Luglash will shower me, President Khalish, with

praise and honor and their daughters.

And the insurance companies?

The ones which have already paid our government's claim of $12 million for

the theft of the Pink Panther.

What will they shower you with?

Why didn't you mention this before I sent for Crusoe?

Because you didn't tell me just now that you'd requested assistance.

from somebody else's police force.

Maybe we can withdraw the request.

Not we, Mr. President.

You, only you can't.

Kruiser's plane at this very minute is winging its way to Lugash.

Well, perhaps he won't find the Pink Panther.

Perhaps he won't reach Lugash.

Arnold, you wouldn't. To save my president.

Do what you must, Arnold.

Just don't tell me about it. The president's conscience must be

unblemished.

You understand my meaning, General?

Yes, the hand understands the glove.

Oh, great one.

Try to get control of yourself, my friend.

Giving in in this way is not healthy.

If I were healthy, why would I be here, Doctor?

I was referring to your blood pressure.

I see.

He's such a maniac, such an idiot, such a fool.

And such a lucky fool.

He would fall backwards down a manhole and wind up in the arms of Brooke

Shields.

And now London, half in ruins.

And Lugash, a helpless little desert country, about to be devastated. You

must get hold of yourself.

Yes, I'm trying. I'm trying. You don't want to end up at Happy Acres again.

No, but you see, Doctor, until Clouseau is out of my hair, out of my life

forever, I'm doomed.

I'll never smile again.

Frank Sinatra with the Pied Piper and Tommy Darcy.

I'm falling apart, and you go down memory lane with your silly jazz.

They know better than to interrupt me when I'm with a patient, unless it is an

emergency.

Emergency call for the inspector. Bon. Attendez.

It would seem the emergency is not mine, but yours.

Yes, Dreyfus.

I have a terrible news for you. What?

Inspector Clouseau's plane is missing.

You are sure?

Yes, positive.

I'm sorry.

I'll be right there.

Okay. Thank you.

Dr. Lange, goodbye.

You see, before you, a man reborn, cured, sane, sound as a Swiss franc.

The phone call was good news.

Wonderful news.

Clouseau's plane is overdue and presumed lost into the sea.

Lost into the sea and out of my life forever.

I'm going to wash that man right out of my head. Oh, I know.

Mary Martin, South Pacific.

I'm going to wash that man right out of my head. I'm going to wash that man

right out of my head.

She's here. Come in.

Listen, I think this is a mistake.

Tell her I'm out of town on a case. Do you think that's wise?

But do you think talking to her is wise?

You were his immediate superior.

Where? You really think he's past tense?

Well, it certainly seems possible. Oh, it would be wonderful. And sooner or

later, a persistent reporter like Marie Jouvet. But what can I say?

What can I tell her?

That I thought him an imbecile?

No. That I thought he was the luckiest man in the world with the brain of a...

the brain of a retarded clam?

Of course not. Of course not.

I mean, you know he was an idiot and I know he was an idiot. But to the rest of

the world, he was the greatest detective since Sherlock Holmes.

If I tell the truth, they won't... Then don't. He's gone.

Give them the hero they want. It's no skin off your nose.

But is he gone? Is he really?

I've got this ghastly feeling that one of these days, next week or tomorrow,

I'll open the trunk of my car or my closet and... But even so, I really

don't think you have a choice.

But what if I don't bring it off? You know me, where Clouseau is concerned, my

emotions are just lurking below the surface like a floating mine.

Oh, God, I can't do it.

You can do it. I can do it?

Yes, I can do it.

No, you do it.

Miss Jouvet.

Ah, Miss Jouvet. How nice of you to come.

Please, make yourself comfortable.

Pull up a clam.

How would you describe Inspector Clouseau?

Well, I've never known a man like him. He was, um...

He was unique.

Could you be more specific?

I could be, but...

Well, to start with, he was unorthodox.

In what way?

In every way.

Can you give me an example?

An example? Yes, for instance, to keep himself constantly alert to any

attack, he instructed his Chinese manservant to attack him

wherever and whenever he could.

That's not only unorthodox, it's bizarre.

He sounds like a real nut.

There were rumors that you and he didn't get along.

Well, I suppose we occasionally had our little disagreements,

but when you work with somebody for 20 years, you can't always be expected

to see... to see.

I mean, to see eye to eye.

Then you think he was a good detective?

He was... I think he was... You

can't just say he was... There are no words to

describe what he really was.

How about genius?

That is a word.

Courageous? Courageous.

Oh, courageous.

The president twice decorated him for bravery.

Right. That sounds like a courageous man to me.

Yes, it certainly sounds that way.

He was reputed to be a great athlete.

He, uh... Oh, you have no idea what an athlete he was.

A karate black belt?

A black belt?

An expert marksman?

A bone leader?

Inspector, I'm so sorry.

Oh, gee, he's crying.

This is Bruno.

I want a meeting right away.

Everybody.

it was part of your job to attack him like that.

Oh, yes.

Well, Kito, I'm back on the case.

Now to set the trap, catch the killer,

and prove to the world that Maria Gambrelli is innocent of murder.

We're going to have to accelerate our training program.

You must learn to attack me whenever and wherever I least expect it, and you must

give no quarter.

But didn't anyone ever get hurt?

Oh, yes.

Mostly me.

There was one time, however, when the mafia imported a ninja.

The inspector thought the ninja was me.

Poor Ninja.

I know just how he felt.

And now with your boss gone, no more sneak attacks.

You must be very relieved.

Well, not entirely.

Sometimes when you do something long enough, you miss it, even if it was

painful.

What do you think happened to the inspector?

Beats me.

Inspector Clouseau's residence.

One moment, please.

It's for you.

Hello? This is Sergeant Duval speaking.

I have that information for you.

Closer's former assistant, Hercule Lejoy, is living on a river barge called

the Mirth.

Hello?

Hello.

Hercule Lejoy?

Who wants to know?

Marie Jouvet. I'm a television reporter.

I know what you are.

Can I come aboard? I want to talk to you.

You want answers?

Of course.

How can I give you answers?

I am taking a nap.

Well, I'll wait until you wake up.

All right.

You're even better looking than you are on television.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I don't know why, but I have the distinct impression that I was expected.

Clouseau has disappeared.

You are a reporter.

Elementary. Spoken like a true policeman.

A retired policeman.

That's it.

As you choose.

You worked with Clouseau.

Yes, he was unique.

Intuitive? A man who followed his inches?

Who can tell what Clouseau followed? All I know is he was the most successful man

in the force.

Everything I thought made up a proper investigation.

He did the opposite.

Facts, Hercule.

Facts.

Nothing matters but the facts.

Without them, the science of criminal investigation is nothing more than a

guessing game.

You listen to me, Hercule, and you will learn something.

Now then, the facts in this case are... The body of the chauffeur was found in

the bedroom of the second maid.

Fact!

Cause of death, four bullets in the chest.

Fact!

The bullets were fired at close range from a .25 caliber Beretta automatic.

Fact!

Maria Gambrelli was discovered with the murder weapon in her hand.

Fact!

The murder weapon.

was registered in the name of the deceased Miguel Hostos and was kept,

mark you, in the glove compartment of the Ballon Rolls Royce. Fact!

Now then, members of the household staff have testified that Miguel Hostos

beat... You fool, you've broken my pointing stick. I've got nothing to

point with now.

...have testified that Miguel Hostos beat Maria Gambrelli frequently.

And now finally...

comes the sworn statement of Monsieur and Madame Balland, as well as all the

members of the staff, each of them with perfect alibis.

Now then, Hercule, what is the inescapable conclusion?

Maria Gambrelli killed the chauffeur.

What? You idiot.

Impossible. She's protecting someone.

How do you know that?

Instinct. But the facts?

You are forgetting the most important fact.

Motive. He beat her. He was Spanish.

He tore her dress off.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Would you kill somebody who tore your dress off?

No, I suppose not. No, of course not.

No, no.

There is no doubt in my mind whatsoever, Hercule.

Maria Gambrelli is most definitely protecting somebody.

Find that somebody, and you have found the murderer.

And I shall find the murderer before the day is out.

Maria Gambrelli will tell me who he is. Oh, yes.

Yet Clouseau was proved right.

Maria Gambrelli was innocent.

Clouseau was always proved right at the end of the case.

But on the way, even he made a few miscalculations.

Now he is lost in the sea.

I admired his successes, but his methods, oh, they made a mockery of

everything I knew of police work. So I quit.

But I have a good life. I carry a few cargoes. I charter to a group of

tourists in August when it gets too hot to stay in Paris.

Don't you miss it sometimes, the excitement?

Young lady, if I missed the excitement, don't you think I would bait my hook?

Thank you, Hercule de Joy.

I like you.

And I don't think you're nearly the hard case you make yourself out to be. I like

Hercule too, just because he is the hard case he seems to be.

But if you really want to get to the bottom of this Clouseau thing, forget

about us, the ones on his side of the law.

Dig up some of the crooks he caught, or didn't catch.

Goodbye.

Call again when you're in the neighborhood. Thank you. I may do that

They're only sure the top half of you on television I'm glad the bottom is

just as good me too

How's

business Better.

Picking up.

Clouseau disappears, business gets better, huh? Sure thing, yeah.

This Marie Jouvet, she's snooping around.

So what?

Who knows?

But I think it's better we put a tail on her.

Louise, she's no dummy.

You pick a couple of good boys, huh?

Done.

Well, when I first met Inspector Clouseau about 20 years ago in Cortina,

I had a nasty ski accident and unfortunately Clouseau happened to be

staying at the same hotel.

You were married to Inspector

Clouseau? Yes.

Had you known Sir Charles before Cortina?

Only casually.

I am willing to bet you 10,000 francs that the Phantom is in Cortina at this

very moment, even perhaps in his very room. How exciting.

What do you think, Mr. Tucker?

Oh, I agree with the Inspector.

You see, 10 of his last 15 victims have been guests at Andrew Dunning's parties.

What are you all talking about?

The notorious Phantom.

I'm afraid I've never heard of him.

Well, little I've read about him, he seems to be quite a firm.

Believe me, there are few thieves who are as clever as the Phantom.

Each theft is completely different and unique, classic in its conception.

But I thought you were working on the theory that he does repeat himself.

Well, only as far as Angela Dunning's part is concerned.

However, there is one other duplication, but that is his trademark, his calling

card, so to speak.

He always leaves a white monogrammed glove.

Sounds terribly theatrical.

You know, Your Highness, if I were the Phantom, I'd have chosen my victim

already.

Really? And who would that be?

Well, who owns the most fabulous diamond in the world?

I suppose I do.

Exactly, the Pink Panther. Such a prize he could never resist. He would be bound

to try for it. I'm afraid he'd be disappointed.

The Pink Panther is in my safe at... Your Highness, please, don't say it. Not

here.

If I'm not being too nosy, Your Highness, I read somewhere that there

was some dispute over the ownership of the Pink Panther. It belongs to me. It

was a gift from my late father.

I shall never surrender it.

Why should you?

When the present government sees power, they claim the diamond was the property

of the people.

There's even some talk of the international court deciding the issue.

I tell you what, why don't I steal the diamond, leave that old glove or

whatever it is behind, and you and I can split the insurance?

All right.

I feel like dancing.

You're honest?

I'd love to.

How about you, madame? Yes, of course.

Your leg is better, sir Charles.

What? I say, your leg is better.

Oh, yes, much better. Thank you.

You know Mr. Tucker?

It's my beer, old man.

In May 1964, you divorced Inspector Clouseau, and a year later, I married

the man of my dreams.

Who was that, darling?

Oh, you know, that fellow Clouseau accused of being the notorious phantom.

Oh, him.

Oh, you have to forget her. She's not very good on names.

Anyway, he's terribly attractive.

But she has impeccable taste.

What made Inspector Clouseau think you were the Phantom? An anonymous phone

call. I see.

Come up immediately.

Sir Charles. Sir Charles. The Phantom.

I've really got him this time.

But of course he was wrong.

About what?

About you being the Phantom.

Of course. He was wrong.

Wrong, but persistent.

Persistent he was.

You see, he was convinced that I was planning to steal the Pink Panther.

And when Princess Dala gave a costume ball at a villa in Rome, Clouseau was

there with his men.

Warm.

There must be hell in there.

But it's not so good in there.

Anything suspicious?

No, no, no. Nothing to worry about.

My men are everywhere. Mingling here, mingling there, watching all the time,

watching.

How dare you drink what's your own duty?

Who is inside there?

Sergeant Wilder! Sergeant Kwa! Then you will be heavy like this and I'll have

your stripes.

And the Pink Panther was stolen that night?

By a gorilla.

To my dying day, I'll never forget that old man trying to cross the street.

Now, George, any idea how we get out of here?

I don't know. I've been all over this place.

I've been up this street, up that one, up that one. How are we gonna get out of

here? Why don't you turn the high road up there?

Okay, I'll take the high road, you take the low road. So long, Uncle Charles.

Ciao, George.

is a new

And believe it or not, for a while, it looked as though Clouseau himself was

the Phantom.

He was actually arrested for having stolen the Pink Panther and sent to

prison.

Tucker!

Tucker!

But he was innocent.

Inept, but innocent.

Inept? Wouldn't you say so, darling?

Oh, no, not in everything, darling.

He was a terrific sleeper. Oh, it's hard to believe.

Oh, it's true.

He almost never made a serious mistake while he was sleeping.

I mean, inept. France's greatest detective.

It does test one's reality.

Do you think he's dead? I hope not.

What do you think, Sir Charles?

No. Men like Clouseau never die. They're indestructible. And that's the way it

should be.

Why? Well, we need them.

They help us preserve our sense of humor.

And they're living proof that however bad things get, if you persevere, you

survive. and sometimes even win.

So you think determination was the key to his success?

No question about it.

He was a fool, but he epitomized the 11th commandment. The 11th commandment?

Thou shalt not give up.

I like that.

I thought you might.

Well, goodbye.

Goodbye. Come and see us again.

I may do that.

You know, the man of your dreams is also a Machiavellian charmer. Oh.

I know that.

Thank you. Goodbye.

Bye. Bye.

You've just passed the hotel.

Yes, ma'am.

But that's where I wanted to go.

You see that car following us?

What about it?

Well, the two men in that car suggested I drop you off at another address.

What are you talking about?

Actually, it was more like a threat than a suggestion.

They threatened you?

One of them showed me his brand-new gun.

But who are they?

I know you'll think I'm not on the ball, but I neglected to get their names.

You realize this is kidnapping?

Yeah. Well, I have to be honest with you. I couldn't come up with an

alternative. You can go to prison for life for kidnapping.

Lady, the gun he showed me was a .38 Magnum. I don't know anything about

guns. Yeah, well, that gun makes enormous holes in things.

I had a choice between kidnapping you and getting shot with that gun. And to

be perfectly frank, I would look terrible and feel worse with an enormous

hole in me.

Use it.

Use it where it hurts the most.

Watch this.

Beat that.

Miss Jouvet, how nice of you to come.

Did I have a choice?

Actually, no.

Let's go. We can be in private.

Oh, do I have a choice?

I just want to have a little talk with you.

Watch your step. I always do.

Why the B-movie melodramatics? You could have just picked up a telephone.

Would you have come?

To see the French Godfather? Come on, Bruno, I'm a reporter.

And a terrific-looking one at that.

Take a swim.

Right.

Let's make ourselves comfortable.

Come on, have a seat.

Can I have a drink?

Do I have a choice?

Actually, no.

How about some champagne?

Terrific. And put a fresh peach in it.

Here are the ladies.

Champagne, put a peach in it. A peach?

Yes, sir.

I never heard of a peach in champagne before.

Very sexy.

Make that two.

Yes, sir.

What happens if he doesn't have any peaches?

Something very melodramatic.

Well, if it gets to that, I'll settle for plain champagne.

You know, Marie...

You really are some kind of sensational lady.

And you know, Bruno, there's an old saying.

What's that?

Never bullshit a bullshitter.

I want you to lay off on this Clouseau thing.

Take a few glasses.

What for?

Then I can see what you're thinking.

I doubt that.

Why do you want me to lay off Clouseau?

Because I asked you to. It's not a good enough reason.

It should be.

What if I don't?

You know, Marie, when I was your age, I used to sometimes wonder

what it would be like if I suddenly found a whole lot of money.

You ever imagine something like that?

Oh, yes.

You know, I even imagined that someday someone might try to bribe me with a

small fortune.

Now, what did you do?

I was tempted.

That's a good start.

But I said no.

Not very well. I'm a reporter, for better or for worse, an honest one.

Now tell me why you want me to lay off Clouseau.

Because I prefer things the way they are.

Clouseau created a lot of problems.

A smart lady like you could find out he's still alive.

Or dead.

I might even find out that someone killed him.

You've got a beautiful face.

Why do you want to stick it in where it doesn't belong?

Because it's my job.

What good's your job if you gotta do your TV show from a hospital bed?

I knew you were going to threaten me, but I didn't know how I was going to

react. And you know something? I've surprised myself.

Is that right?

Yes. Instead of scaring the wits out of me, you have made me angry. In fact, I

can't remember when I've been so angry.

I'm a member of the press, and I will not be intimidated by you or by anybody

else.

Hey, now who's being melodramatic? You call this melodramatic? Wait till I get

home. What are you going to do? Feint or throw up. Maybe both. I won't know till

I get there.

Eight to five, it's throw up.

You've got to bet.

Sir?

Gertsen, lady.

Yes, indeed, sir.

Great ass.

I didn't notice, sir.

Arthur, there's an old saying.

Never bullshit a bullshitter.

Yes, of course.

Yes, a great arse indeed.

Bruno?

Can I get out now?

I don't think she has such a great arse.

What do you expect me to do? Arrest him. On what charge?

He threatened me. He had me kidnapped. Can you prove it? Ask the taxi driver.

You said it was the taxi driver who kidnapped you.

Bruno's men forced him to. They had guns.

Did you see the guns?

No, but the taxi driver told me that... I'm perfectly certain that everything

you've told me is true.

But? But I'm equally certain that Monsieur Langlois will deny it. Monsieur

Langlois? What it boils down to is this. What it boils down to is his word

against mine.

Exactly. And in certain circles, Monsieur Langlois' word carries a lot of

weight. You're upset, so I will ignore the innuendo. Upset or not, Inspector,

the innuendo stands.

Monsieur le Maire suggested you go home and forget all about this.

Excuse me.

I shall tell you exactly where I'm going to go. I'm going to go directly to my

office, where I shall write my next broadcast about a mafia boss who

kidnapped me and about the Chief Inspector of the Sûreté who refused to

do anything about it. Be my opinion.

That would be most unwise.

What it boils down to, Inspector, is I don't trust your opinion.

Miss Jouvet seems a bit upset.

Miss Jouvet is turning out to be a real pain in the ass.

So far, the incident hasn't even been investigated.

And if Bruno Longois is in the mood to deny the allegation, I will be happy to

repeat it on the witness stand.

She's talking about you?

It won't be the first time that I've been instrumental in causing a perjurer

to change his testimony.

And I believe even the French godfather would think twice about challenging me

in gold.

As for Chief Inspector Dreyfus, if he really is the paragon of police virtue

that he purports to be, Why hasn't he even bothered to find the taxi driver

and interrogate him?

She's talking about you.

Yes.

It's intriguing, but the more I find out about Clouseau, the more certain

interested parties would prefer that I drop my investigation.

So far, I haven't turned up anything incriminating, but obviously I'm rocking

the boat and people are getting nervous.

One thing's sure.

I intend to keep on rocking until I have an answer for you.

Good night.

Inspector Clouseau's residence, Cato speaking.

I've gone to Miami Beach to spend Chinese New Year with my maternal

grandmother. Leave a message after the bleep.

Hello? Even going.

Ah!

Regrettably. Inspector Clouseau's residence, Cato speaking.

I've gone to Miami Beach to spend Chinese New Year with my maternal

grandmother. Leave a message after the beep. I'm sorry.

I'm used to it.

This is Professor August Bowles of Paris, you oriental picaroon.

You can't fool me about a plane crash.

He is hiding to avoid payment. Unless I will receive 4,000 francs by Friday, I'm

suing. And you can put that in your opium pipe and smoke it, you conniving

Cantonese.

Who the hell is Professor Auguste Bowles?

Inspector Clouseau's official disguise maker.

Hey, what's a picaroon?

A cheat.

Oh, that's great.

Being called a cheat?

Some of my best friends are picaroons.

I'm sorry I broke in.

That's okay.

Keeps me in practice.

Can I get you a cup of tea or something? No, thanks.

I could use an aspirin.

You see, I telephoned before, and I really thought that you'd gone to visit

your grandmother in Miami.

Miami Beach.

She runs a bingo parlor. She's a real pickeroo.

I thought maybe I'd found something.

Like what?

Like this.

Oh, that.

Do you know who these people are?

His parents.

Are they still alive?

His father is.

He lives in the Chateau Clouseau à la Marque.

He's a winemaker.

Swine rabbit.

It's good, it's good

Could you tell me something about your son?

No.

After four o'clock, I can't tell you anything about my son.

Why not after 4 o'clock?

Because after tasting the wine all day, after 4 o'clock, I

can't remember my son.

Let alone tell you anything about him.

It is a miracle that I remember it is after 4 o'clock.

That felt good.

Are you all right?

Oh, of course I am all right. I was just checking that Nana

vacuumed the room.

Speaking of Nana...

Fetch a Nana.

Nana has been with me 61 years. She was Jacques' nurse.

Oh, really?

What?

I said, really.

I know that.

Because you said Nana was your son's nurse.

Mademoiselle, you don't have to repeat what I said. I know what I said.

Fortunately, I am not too old to have lost my memory yet.

Come in.

What am I laughing about?

I'm not sure I can explain it.

Come on.

To the

right.

Amber. Amber.

As she loves that dog.

I see.

Look.

Look, dog.

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Ah, Fifi.

My son, Jacques Le Sauve.

Was born September 8th, 1920.

He had his mother's eyes and his father's kidneys.

From the very beginning, Jacques wanted to be a policeman.

He had many setbacks, but he was always

resourceful.

He was 18 when he entered the university.

and fell in love.

The girl of his dreams married another.

Jacques decided that life was not worth living.

To whom it may concern.

I find life no longer worth living.

Fortunately... Oh, merde!

...there was a power of failure.

Swine light!

When the Germans invaded France, Jacques joined the underground.

Swine plunger.

After the war, he joined the police force, and the rest is history.

Well, thank you, Monsieur Clouseau. It's been most interesting.

It has?

Yes. It, uh, it helps to round out my tribute.

What do you mean?

Your tribute doesn't need rounding.

You have a great-looking tribute.

He's alive, you know.

How do you know that?

He has his mother's eyes, but his forehead is fortitude.

Oh, I thought it was his kidneys.

That too. A man with such fortitude and kidneys must be alive someplace.

I hope so.

I knew that too.

And so, after leaving that delightful old man, who is so firmly convinced that

his famous son is still alive, I began to wonder, is it possible?

Mafia boss Bruno Longois seems to think it is.

Sir Charles Lytton feels that such men are indispensable and therefore

indestructible. And the Chief Inspector Dreyfus is so obsessed with the

possibility that he's on the verge of another nervous breakdown.

Did Inspector Clouseau really perish in the sea, as reported?

Or, for reasons as yet unknown, is he out there someplace, plotting his next

move, waiting to reveal himself when the time is right?

I am reluctant to believe that misfortune has really struck down such a

great man.

Swine seagull.

We must find that woman.

Here's the report.

I will apprehend this culprit within 24 hours.

Now we are getting somewhere.

You!

But that's a priceless Steinway. Not anymore.

Inspector Clouseau's residence.

Clouseau, one moment, please.

For you.

he is the charles phantom the notorious lytton the phantom yes one and the same

my greedy little yellow pimp ow there is something that i am very interested to

know this room

Does your dog bite?

No.

I thought you said

your dog did not bite.

That is not my talk.

Excuse me. Yes?

Do you know the way to the Palace Hotel?

Yes.

Special delivery. A burn.

Were you expecting one?

A burn!

And another thing!

I was known as the Pablera of the parallels.

Yes.

Yes, it's all coming back now.