Original subtitles

This job just doesn't get any easier.

- Was it you that found the body? - Yeah, I found it by my cave

next to my fire, first thing this morning.

- And can I ask what you do? - I'm a caveman, same as everyone eIse.

- Of course. - Yeah.

So, I found the body first thing

and I immediateIy went to the caveman poIice.

You did the right thing. Leave it to us. An expert wiII determine cause of death.

- Right. - Here is Cavewoman PathoIogist UrsuIa.

- Morning, Detective. - Morning, UrsuIa.

- This couId be an interesting one. - Let's have a Iook.

Oh, Iooks Iike this man was kiIIed with some kind of stone impIement.

Not again. It's rife. Sometimes I think the whoIe advance

into stone technoIogy's been a doubIe-edged sword.

- A what? What did you say? - I've no idea. Time of death?

Er, I think I can narrow it down to, er...sometime before now.

OK, Iet's start investigating. Did anyone see this man being kiIIed?

No.

Right, I'm aII out of ideas.

AII we know, is that at some point before now,

someone hit this man to death with a stone and no one saw who it was.

- The perfect crime. - The perfect crime.

(SNIGGERS)

(UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER)

AdmiraI, we bring shocking news.

Two hours ago, our beIoved Fuhrer AdoIph HitIer took his own Iife.

Oh, right. That...that is sad.

And you AdmiraI Donitz have been named as his successor.

Yes! Yes! Whoo!

In your face, Goring! Whoo! Yes! Whoo!

Sorry, sorry, sorry, guys.

Whoo! Eat it!

This is...this is a great opportunity.

(EXPLOSION)

Yeah.

I-I've got Ioads of great ideas for Germany.

Mm, I think we shouId do more autobahns, they're great.

We need to Iook at pensions, there's a growing housing shortage...

- Er, Iisten. - Ooh, sorry. Can I just make a quick caII?

Yes, mein Fuhrer.

Nice.

Hi, darIing, yeah, it's me.

You're never gonna guess, they've made me the new Fuhrer.

Yeah. Yeah, shot himseIf.

WeII, Frieda, this is an opportunity that I've just got to take.

WeII, they were hardIy gonna give me the job when everything was going weII.

Look, we'II taIk about this Iater, OK?

But heiI me, though, eh? HeiI me?

Oh.

Right, where was I? Oh, yes, ideas. When can we have a poIicy meeting?

We've taken the Iiberty of drawing up a Iist of priorities.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

So, here's GeneraI Eisenhower's teIephone number,

here's the EngIish for ''we give up''

and here's an anaIysis of our miIitary situation in one rude word.

Right.

You've taken the wind out of my saiIs.

Sorry.

Hang on, this...this isn't just one of those pranks

you pIay on aII the new Fuhrers, is it?

(EXPLOSION)

- No. - Oh. Oh, I see.

So, you...you just need someone to say that we've surrendered.

Seems siIIy, I know, but, erm...

no, we just IiteraIIy do need someone actuaIIy to say we've done that.

- Right. - It's red tape, reaIIy.

You see, I-I thought I was gonna get to be a proper...

Yes, that was our fauIt. We, erm...

We didn't mean to give you that impression.

AII right, I'II make the caII. (CLEARS THROAT)

Erm...

Y-you wouIdn't mind just doing me a quick ''HeiI Donitz!'' wouId you?

Just so I can say I've had one.

- I don't think that wouId... - PIease.

HeiI Donitz.

Thanks, guys.

(APPLAUSE AND WHOOPS)

WeIcome to ''Wordwang'', the spin-off series with a difference,

and that difference is words. Joining me are JuIie from Yorkshire

and Simon who's from a factory and made from metaI.

(CLANG)

- Ever kiIIed a man? - No.

- Simon? - Yes.

Great, Iet's pIay Wordwang.

- Round one, JuIie to pIay first. - Shed.

- TroweI. - Buzz.

- You buzzing in? - No.

That's Wordwang. Simon?

- Smear. - Towards.

- Fastidious. - That's Wordwang.

On to round three, animaIs. Simon?

- Mattress. - That's Wordwang.

- However. - That's Wordwang.

- Deforesting. - That's Wordwang.

- Lineage. - (HOOTER)

Oh, bad Iuck, JuIie, that's not an animaI. You Iose two Ietters.

So, UIi it's you to start as we move on to the word board.

Today's categories, countries of the worId.

Erm, I'II take Bethania, FintanIand and the Independent RepubIic of Yeb.

That's Wordwang. Simon?

I'II have, erm...Mingy, Montestan and, er...IreIand.

Oh, bad Iuck, Simon, I'm afraid IreIand's not a vegetabIe.

You Iose three Ietters. Entering the finaI round,

Im, you're Ieading with tarpauIin and UIi, you're traiIing with H.

It's time for you to face the Wordwangerator.

Let's rotate the board.

(CLICK)

(GUNSHOT)

WeIcome back to the Wordwangerator. Word up, Im.

- Brisket. - Oh, good, UIi?

- ParaIIeI. - Nice.

- Nice. - Nice.

- NearIy. - AImost.

- Pinch. - EmboIden.

- ArbitrariIy. - Oh.

- Crevice. - Crevasse.

- Cravat. - Tie.

Yes, that is Wordwang!

Im, you've beaten the Wordwangerator,

making you today's Wordwang.

UIi, you've been Wordwangerated, making you today's anti-Wordwang.

UntiI tomorrow...

(ALL) Good Wordwang!

(PING)

Fifteen years we've been waiting for them to fit that.

Oh, and that's a bad miss.

And young Mark Deacon wiII be very sad to have missed that bIue

but hopefuIIy not as sad as he was about six months ago.

Yes, indeed, I think the whoIe of snooker

was very much behind Mark in the terribIe battIe

he's had with his own personaI demons.

Yes, I'm sure Mark wouIdn't mind it being known

that he has, of course, sadIy tried to top himseIf twice.

Yes but that's many fewer times than he's tried to reach

the finaI of a ranking tournament...

..and he hasn't managed that either.

I stiII think it was insensitive of Steve Davis to say that to his face.

That was coId.

I mean, in the middIe of the dance fIoor, the end-of-season bash,

and Steve Davis, your chiIdhood hero, is screaming at you,

cheer the F up, you miserabIe C.

That's enough to make anyone reach for the paracetamoI.

I wouIdn't Iike it.

So, four bedrooms, off-road parking, nice bit of garden at the back.

(MAN) Great.

Here we are.

So, Tom's a banker. What does Wendy do?

- Er, I work for a charity. - Oh, yeah, which one?

It's a charity that provides counseIIing

and practicaI support for survivors of torture.

Torture, reaIIy? Ooh.

I teII you what's torture round here, the traffic.

Getting round the North CircuIar, I'm a torture survivor (!)

- Right. - No, not reaIIy.

So, you must have some stories.

- Erm... - What's the worst thing

that's happened to anyone you've counseIIed?

- Oh, you know, some not very nice things. - Yeah, I'II bet.

What's the worst thing? The reaIIy gruesome stuff?

- I don't think... - What's the reaIIy, ''My God, I can't beIieve

''they do that to peopIe''? The most disgusting torture anyone's been through?

- You reaIIy don't want to know. - I do.

- No, you don't. - I reaIIy do. Come on, how bad can it be?

WeII, erm...I once worked with someone who...

..and obviousIy coping with that was very difficuIt for him.

The en suite, is that the onIy bathroom?

You caIIous bitch.

Standing around with your Iatte,

Iooking for somewhere nice with a garden in zone two,

when you know what you know about what goes on.

- You have to remain detached. - It's just a job for you, is it?

Nine to five. ''I'm sorry, UmbuIoo, that does sound Iike a pisser,

''but I've got to go and see a IoveIy garden fIat in MusweII HiII,

''then someone's coming to mend the dishwasher,

''but that hoIds no terror for me because I don't associate

''a knock on the door with unspeakabIe vioIation.''

Everyone has to have a day off.

I need a fucking month off now.

That has brought up a Iot of things.

- A Iot of things. - I didn't mean to...

I think it's best if you go.

Don't Ieave me.

OK, so we're gonna try and stage a bit of a reconstruction,

see if it jogs anyone's memory.

So the victim was on his way back to his cave

from hunting or starting a fire or...

WeII, that's it. Off you go.

- (TUTS) - When the attacker may have done

something Iike this.

Something Iike that, we don't know.

- Is HE dead now? - Yeah.

That's a very good reconstruction.

Yeah.

What's happened over the Iast 50 years

is that shopping has become a Ieisure pursuit that peopIe can actuaIIy enjoy.

Yeah, peopIe have got more money and everything's a heII of a Iot more reIaxed.

- Can I heIp you, sir? - Yeah, cheers.

I'm just vagueIy Iooking at suits right now,

something cazh but aIso cooI and dark so you can wear it in the evening.

A business suit that is simuItaneousIy a dinner suit

- and a taiI coat and a pair of pyjamas. - Yeah, around the kind of 100, 150 mark.

Which is fashioned from sack cIoth and string?

- Sorry? - Do you wish to Iook smart

or are you Iooking for a newer version of what you're wearing now?

- If you've got something Iike this... - Something ItaIian and iII-fitting

and so shiny I can see my face in it, in stark contrast to your shoes?

Er...yeah.

We do not.

Sorry, what happened to the friendIy AustraIian girI

- that used to work here? - She's gone, sir. They've aII gone.

They've been driven out and the burning remains of their tawdry rags

cast after them and we're back.

- Who? - The incredibIy intimidating

and aristocratic peopIe who stiII unaccountabIy seII cIothes.

We don't Iike being taIked to by peopIe with their hands in their pockets.

- I beg your pardon. - I'II overIook it just this once.

- Listen... - I've seen you in here before,

sIouching around the pIace in your sIip-on shoes

and your motorcycIe jacket, Iooking Iike a mechanic who's won the pooIs.

I've seen you with your tin earring and your bIack-marketeer swagger.

We've aII seen you and we aII thought you were a turd.

Do you wish to be smart or do you wish to Ieave this pIace

as you entered it, Iooking Iike a sIack-jawed spiv.

- Why are you treating me Iike this? - I'm trying to heIp you

to have standards. I'm trying to make you know

that the worId isn't pIeased to see you.

You aren't needed or incIuded or Ioved. You're ugIy and superfIuous and ignorant

and you shouId be frightened and meek and gratefuI.

- Right. - That's better.

Now first things first, Iet's get you a hat.

Do you think peopIe wiII Iike these private moments

where we're just being ourseIves?

This isn't private, there's a camera there.

WeII, no, but stiII it is more, you know,

the kind of stuff where... The sort of bits where...

(BOTH) ..we're just you know... chatting and kind of...

I don't know how to put it...but, you know.

- This is aII scripted. - What?

This is as made up as the rest of it. This isn't improvised, Iook.

BIoody heII. It says I say ''bIoody heII'' here.

Yeah, I know, that's my cue.

''David: Yeah, I know. That's my cue.''

Yeah. ''Robert, reading, 'David: Yeah, I know. That's my cue.'''

- Just put that away. - Says I don't.

But what happens next?

It says ''Cut to a cIose-up of the script'', ''It reads cut to a cIose-up of the script.''

''It reads cut to a cIose-up of the script.''

''It reads cut to a cIose-up of the script.'' It goes on forever.

- Shit! - Yeah.

You say ''Shit'', that's the penuItimate Iine.

Oh, and that's a bad miss.

Yeah, and viewers in the north may once again

be experiencing sound difficuIties.

- Come on... - Oh, that'II do.

Yes, weII, that was a Iucky chance for young Mark Deacon

but as usuaI he approaches the tabIe with,

how does one put it, a face Iike a sIapped arse.

Have you ever seen that man smiIe, Ted?

OnIy in his sIeep, Peter, onIy in his sIeep.

Viewers might want background on that

because I beIieve it was you, Ted, who foiIed one of Mark's...

How shaII we put it? ..bids for obIivion, wasn't it?

I-I have that honour. It was...it was during the WeIsh Open

and Mark had been knocked out that day

and I was just making me way back to me hoteI room

at around about four in the morning from the bar

and as Iuck wouId have it Mark had the room next to me in the hoteI

and something had been up aII week

'cause I heard him Iate at night singing the snooker words to ''Lady in Red''.

I shouId expIain to viewers that there are some speciaI snooker words

to the pop song ''Lady in Red'', which aII of us in snooker know.

They're secret speciaI snooker words to ''Lady in Red'' that we aII know.

Viewers are perhaps interested to know what the secret snooker words

to ''Lady in Red'' actuaIIy are.

Yes, but unfortunateIy, we're aII sworn to secrecy.

Anyway, Mark's hoteI bedroom door was open

and I couId hear water running.

TeII us again what you did, Ted.

Yeah, weII, weII, I went in there and I made him sick it aII up,

but he was inconsoIabIe, kept going on about his cueing

which is far from perfect but I didn't say that.

You did right.

I-I remember I-I just heId him for hours,

untiI he stopped sobbing and managed sIowIy to drift off to sIeep.

That was very kind of you, Ted, especiaIIy with your back.

It...it was murder, Peter, but at Ieast it wasn't suicide.

In Tudor times, you'd have just settIed into your bath of baked beans or water,

we're using baked beans to make it more fun,

when you think, I can't reach my bar of soap without getting out

and getting spats of baked bean or more IikeIy water,

but we're using baked beans to make it more fun, aII over my Tudor fIoor,

and there was no Iino in those days.

So, the Tudors came up with a soIution which was two-foId.

So, first of aII there's the horn which you sound to aIert your Tudor servant...

but they wouIdn't aIways hear you because deafness was a probIem then,

what with the Wars of the Roses and the gigs, so they aIso had this contraption.

How it works is you turn the handIe and puII down on the Iever

and it extends the arm. NormaIIy there'd be a grabber on the end

but we're using a boxing gIove 'cause it's more fun

and as you can see it actuaIIy reaches the soap

and yes, yes, I've...I've touched the soap.

(ON TV) l've actually touched the soap. Eureka!

Has it nearIy finished, Jim?

That's it.

Now, what about that sex we discussed?

AII aboard that's going aboard. I've got potato crisps on my feet.

Jim, I've been meaning to say.

CouId we have sex Iike we used to without the wackiness?

What wackiness?

The cycIe heImet and the crisps and the shouting bingo.

Bingo!

- Remember when you were sexy. - Sexy?

You're a very, very sexy man, Jim, you've just forgotten.

Sounds a bit po-faced.

I was going through some of your oId things the other day.

Look at this stuff. You were cooI.

You were an angry, briIIiant young historian.

You used to order Martinis and only buy cigarettes in soft packs.

I just feeI so empty.

Thanks for trying.

- I was a toss pot. - WeII, maybe a bit,

but couIdn't you pretend to be Iike that again?

Oh, aII right, Anne. Oh, oh, it's so serious, forepIay, forepIay...

- You're not trying. - WeII, I can't do it, Anne.

You won't make me regret the day I Iearned how to make facts fun.

I'm never going back. This is it now, Anne,

with my heImet, my horn and my foIding bicycIe,

I've made miIIions give a shit about the seed traiI

and if you don't mind I'm just gonna go and wank off about that.

Oh, Jim!

Oh, oh, oh, bingo. (HONKS HOOTER)

- Bingo! - (HONKS HOOTER)

PIease do it without the honking!

You know perfectly well that without the honking nothing happens.

Ooh, ah, ow...

(WITH LISP) So, David you're a comedian, are you? That sounds Iike fun.

Yes, I suppose it is.

ActuaIIy, there are a coupIe of funny things happen in a chiropractice.

You couId probabIy use them in your comedy show.

SeriousIy?

WeII, you probabIy have peopIe suggesting stuff aII the time.

I wish. No, we're reaIIy stuck for ideas. What have you got?

Oh, weII, erm...there's funny words Iike coccyx,

which sounds a bit Iike, er... I don't need to teII you. You're the comedian.

Cock! Of course, yes. It sounds Iike cock, certainIy a Iaugh in that.

- Oh, super. - Anything eIse? We reaIIy are screwed.

Any whacky incidents or zany peopIe?

WeII, there's my assistant Debbie. She's quite a character.

BriIIiant, a character. So...so, how's she a character?

Er, weII, she sometimes wears a hat.

A hat, good, that can be funny.

This is great, coccyx, a hat. We'II certainIy use both of those.

Anything eIse?

No, that's it, I'm afraid. Those are the two funny things.

Oh, that's a shame because I must stress we reaIIy are out of ideas,

and if you can't think of anything, we'II probabIy do this.

- What, this conversation? - Yeah.

Wow, that's exciting. So, what? You'd pIay me?

No, I'd pIay myseIf.

- What, so I'd pIay me, then? - No, no, we'd get Robert to do it.

WeII, does he Iook Iike me?

Yeah...

Er, I don't know. You're not gonna try and make me Iook ridicuIous

just to get a cheap Iaugh, or give me a gratuitous speech impediment.

No, no, of course not.

Oh, I'm worried that you're just gonna try and humiIiate me on the teIIy.

No, not...not at aII. I suppose we might heighten

the reaIity a IittIe for comic effect.

HeIIo, Debbie.

Here's your paperwork, sir.

(Man) Excuse me. Sorry, sorry. I'm reaIIy sorry to interrupt,

but... Excuse me, sorry.

I'm David MitcheII's reaI chiropractor and..

I'm actuaIIy quite upset

because, I mean, this isn't... WeII, that wasn't...

That wasn't anything Iike the conversation

we had in my office the other week.

F-For a start, I don't sound anything Iike that.

Sorry.

And secondIy whiIe I was easing off his sciatic nerve,

I toId David MitcheII severaI genuineIy amusing chiropracting stories.

Like the time I was treating Tony BIackburn and afterwards he said,

''If anyone here's the reaI disc jockey, it's you'', which was hiIarious.

That was good, yeah.

I've stiII got it.

The bIood of Christ keep you in eternaI Iife.

The bIood of Christ keep you in eternaI Iife.

(SIR DIGBY HUMS ''DEVIL'S GALLOP'' BY CHARLES WILLIAMS)

Search the aItar, Ginger. Search the aItar.

ln a time future historians will one day call the past, at a place l wish l could name,

who's left to look out for the man in the street in case he wants his mobile back?

Yes, it's the Surprising Adventures of me, Sir Digby Chicken Caesar.

Do you know who I am? Do you know who I am?

Ginger, do you know who I am?

You're Sir Digby Chicken Caesar, sir.

Oh! Of course, thanks.

The story so far. ln my continuing quest to find out just who is behind it all

and by all, l do mean all,

Ginger and l have been invited to an evening at her Majesty's pleasure

- but we can't go because we're in prison. - I've got a pIan.

Officer, he's done it, he's gone and done it.

I tried to reason with him, but he wouIdn't Iisten.

(SIR DIGBY HUMS ''DEVIL'S GALLOP'' BY CHARLES WILLIAMS)

Ah, I wish I knew how you did that, Ginger.

WeII, sir, my dad used to hang me reguIarIy as a chiId.

Those were the good days.

- What happened on the bad days? - He tried to have sex with me.

Oh, yes, sorry. StiII that was ages ago, you must be over it by now.

Oh, yeah, I think my Iife's more or Iess on track now.

AII right, sir.

ShaII we go down the arcade and Iook for ten pees?

Ah, a search for cIues, good thinking.

To the sIotties!

(SIR DIGBY HUMS ''DEVIL'S GALLOP'' BY CHARLES WILLIAMS)

Where will my nemesis make his first inevitable mistake?

Will he abolish the duty on cider, leave Oyster cards lying around

or will he fall for my latest cover identity,

the pimp for some Filipino teenagers? Find out next week

in the ''Surprising Adventures of Sir Digby Chicken Caesar''.

Piss off!

- I got one! - Ginger, you bastard!

Oh, and that's a cracking pot.

And yet not so much as a fIicker of joy on Mark Deacon's

jowIy death mask of a face.

I mean, he must be pIeased.

He's just one of these peopIe who finds it very difficuIt to be happy.

He thinks too much, that's his probIem.

I keep saying to him, ''Mark, don't go so far inside your head with the snooker.

''The souI is Iike a pocket. There's no coming out,

''unIess you're a coIour or the white.''

Peter, I know you won't mind me saying,

and Mark certainIy won't, but you've been a tremendous support to Mark

over the Iast coupIe of years,

especiaIIy that other time he took two hundred piIIs.

I picked up the phone, Ted, that's aII I did,

- I happened to be there, Mark rang me. - Was it a caII for heIp?

- In a way it was. - What did he say?

He said ''HeIp. HeIp me, Peter.

''Me safety pIay's aII to crap. I can't go on.''

You were straight in the car and round there, weren't you?

Just as soon as I got the SwingbaII in the boot, yes.

Now, Peter, for those of us that don't know the story,

expIain the significance of the SwingbaII.

It was a crazy notion that I had that it wouId heIp to reIax him,

and so I got him out in the garden, in the dark,

pIaying SwingbaII, tears streaming down his face

and I...and I said to him,

''Mark, be honest, is this not a IittIe bit better than being dead?''

- And what did he say, Peter? - He said yes, Ted.

And we pIayed SwingbaII aII through that beautifuI night,

untiI the sun came up and things started to feeI a IittIe better.

WeII, Mark, this is for you.

# Never seen you Iooking so shiny as you did tonight

# I never seen your face so tight

# You were amazing

# Never seen so many pIayers wonder if the Iong pot is on

# Looking for a IittIe cannon

# A cut as thin as a thong

# And I have never seen such a cIearance

# Such a cIearance in aII the pots in every way

# No more safety pIay

# TabIe of reds

# Is dancing with me

# Cush to cush

# And nothing is wrong

# This big pink is on

# But where's the cue baII gone

# And I hardIy know

# To pIay with stun or side

# Never to forget

# This shot-to-nothing Iife

# Never to forget

# My tabIe of reds #

That's for you, Mark.

Keep on keeping on.

God bIess and cheer the fuck up.