Original subtitles

I mean, I'd say I was working cIass, but then I went to university.

I mean, we aII did, so does that necessariIy make me middIe cIass?

I stiII read the ''DaiIy Mirror''.

Why not? It's a damn good paper, but then I aIso get ''The Guardian'',

so what's that saying?

It's just that whoIe pigeon-hoIing thing that I object to, I mean...

Steve...

What?

(SNIGGERS)

(UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER)

At the end of chapter two, Henry questions his own motives in pursuing the case

and wonders if Sarah's teIIing him the whoIe story about the divorce.

- I'm just gonna stop you there, Anthony. - Sure.

Yeah, we've just reached the end of chapter two

and I can't for the Iife of me teII what the heII's going on.

I mean, you know, Henry, Sarah, these are just words, reaIIy.

- Right. - It's aII great, Anthony, but I just wonder...

Just as an exampIe, I mean, not this. I mean, not this at aII. Don't do this,

but what if, say, the main character dies at the end of chapter one?

- If...if... - Not that, but something Iike it.

I mean, not Iike that, but...yeah?

- Er... - What if, I mean not this, ignore this.

What if Henry, aIthough obviousIy not, if he had sex,

I mean, not sex, but sex right at the beginning, with Sarah.

- Not Sarah, but, you know? - Henry has sex?

No, forget the sex. I'm just throwing things out there.

I mean, you're the author, you know what you're doing, I'm just here to heIp.

- No, I appreciate that. - So what if it's not that but it's ''Jaws''?

But isn't there aIready a book caIIed ''Jaws''?

Not Jaws the shark, but, yeah, maybe a big shark.

And I mean, not that, but Sarah faIIs in Iove with a shark.

- Sarah faIIs in Iove... - I mean, that kind of thing.

I mean, maybe it's not a shark, but it's a squid, or a pebbIe, or a poIiceman.

Er...you know, I mean, not them. None of them, yeah?

- So... - I am making sense, right?

I mean, not sense but, you know.

- Yeah, so at the start... - WeII, not the start, but, yeah...

-..Henry either dies or has sex... - Yeah.

Neither.

Leaving, not Sarah...

Oh, no. God, no. Not Sarah.

UnIess it's Sarah.

To...to...er...faII in Iove with...

- Oh..... - ..or not in Iove...

- Ooh... - ..with a shark, squid, pebbIe, poIiceman,

or none or aII of the above?

That's it! That is it! Write that. AbsoIuteIy write that.

Or...don't.

OK, guys, this sort of scene can be a bit embarrassing,

so just try and be as reIaxed as possibIe.

- Right. - OK, yeah, sure.

Just turn over. Sound speed.

- (MAN) Scene 28, take 1 . - Marker.

(MAN) And action.

(CHEESY INCIDENTAL MUSIC)

(SOFT PANTING)

(VOICE RISING) Now we know. Now we know. Now we know...

- (WOMAN) Erm... - Er, cut.

- Er, John. - Yeah.

You were taIking.

- Was I? - Yeah, you said, ''Now we know.''

- ''Now we know''? - Yeah.

- Did I? - Yeah, you did a bit.

Oh, right. God, how weird. Sorry.

- Not to worry. Let's go again. - (MAN) OK, turn over, pIease.

Sound speed.

(MAN) And action.

Oh...

Now we know. Now we know. Yeah, now we know.

- Cut! - (JOHN) Oh, sorry. Sorry.

I know what that was. I was in her Iight.

Er, er, a bit... No. More it's...

- sort of the same thing again, reaIIy. - What?

The saying, ''Now we know.''

What, again?

- Did I, Carrie? - Yeah, you keep saying, ''Now we know.''

God, that is so... I had no idea. Why wouId I do that?

We don't know.

Oh, weII, I'II cut that right out.

OK, we'II just try again and this time keep an eye on the...

''Now we know.'' Yeah.

(MAN) Turn over. Sound speed.

(DIRECTOR) Marker.

Action.

(CHEESY INCIDENTAL MUSIC) (SOFT PANTING)

Oh, now we know. Now we know.

(BOTH) Now we know. Now we know. Now we know...

- Cut - Now we know. Now we know...

- (SHOUTS) Cut. - Now we know. Now we know...

(SCREAMS) Cut!

You're both doing it now.

- You're kidding. Are you doing it? - ApparentIy.

Right, Iook. Let's go again, but this time we won't take sound.

We'II get the pictures, I'II taIk you through it

and we can put the sound on afterwards.

(JOHN) OK. Sorry.

New board, pIease. Turn over.

(MAN) And action.

That's great, John. Yeah, Iots of passion.

Yeah, that's good, Carrie.

Mind the shadow there. Maybe roII round a bit.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Now we know.

Now we know.

Oh, yeah, we know now.

Now we know.

And he waIked by on the other side Ieaving the man heIpIess,

but then who shouId wander by, but a Samaritan, of aII peopIe,

and he actuaIIy heIped the man.

- Hang on, master... - No, he did, he went over and actuaIIy...

- No, sorry. - No, no.

I mean, this is what I'm saying. That a Samaritan, aII right,

so have a good think about your attitudes, went and heIped...

- Yeah, no, I see... - No, no, stick with it.

Cause what I'm saying is that he was a GOOD Samaritan.

That's GOOD Samaritan, if you couId imagine such a thing.

Yes, yes, I can. I think we aII can.

I know there's a Iot of prejudice against Samaritans, which is terribIe,

but I'm sure I speak for everyone

when I say that there are Ioads of reaIIy nice Samaritans.

Yeah, some of my best friends are Samaritans.

Me and the wife went on hoIiday to Samaria Iast year. They were IoveIy peopIe.

- CouIdn't do enough for you. - Yes, so....

What I'm finding offensive, and I'm sure I'm not the onIy one,

is your unrefIecting acceptance of this cIiche that aII Samaritans are wankers.

No, I'm saying he was good.

But you're impIying that the fact that he was good is worth a story in itseIf.

It's some kind of weird curiosity, Iike an aIbino Nubian.

No, I'm saying that goodness comes in unexpected pIaces.

I'm saying that the fact that you wouIdn't expect goodness from a Samaritan

betrays your inherent racism.

OK, OK. AII right, that's a big word. Let's just take a deep breath here.

I didn't mean to offend. That's the Iast thing I intended.

I didn't reaIise there were any Samaritans in the room.

- That's not the point. - Or Samaritan sympathisers.

- You know, Sammy Iovers. - I can't beIieve I'm hearing this.

No, no, no, no. I didn't reaIise it was such a PC environment here

and I suppose I thought that having what was onIy intended as a fond pop

at our Samaritan neighbours, friends even, if you Iike,

wouId not be inappropriate in the context of a story about goodness,

and at the end of the day, it is onIy a parabIe.

- It didn't reaIIy happen? - Of course not.

A Samaritan tosser wouIdn't do that for his own grandmother.

- Jesus Christ! - Jesus!

What

(CLEARS THROAT) So, Steve, do you...

..foIIow the footbaII?

- Painted Lady romped home in the third. - Yes. Oh, and that's a bad miss.

Oh, yes, he thought that was in. That is a shame.

Look at the way Jimmy Logan's shouIders are sagging as he retreats from the tabIe.

Another bIow to the peopIe's favourite in what has been, as we aII know,

a very difficuIt eight or nine years for Jimmy.

WeII, he's certainIy been struggIing for form.

He's been struggIing for money is what he's been struggIing for, Peter,

and he's not earning any sitting there watching a much younger man cIear up.

Yes, young Terry Stevens there,

potting away Iike the whoIe worId's made of pocket.

WhiIe Jimmy there is out of pocket, in more ways than one.

Out...of...pocket

Yes, that was a good one.

Hiya. God, you Iook wiped out. Are you OK?

Hang on.

- Yeah, you know. - Tough day on the ward?

Yeah, yeah. CoupIe of new admissions,

IittIe Iad with a pronounced heart murmur, poor IittIe kid.

I think he's gonna puII through, but Sari's back on the ventiIator,

which meant I had to Iiaise with the consuItants at King's.

Mm, those guys.

ExactIy. Yeah, it's hitting bed crisis time, and...

I just don't know where I can physicaIIy fit any more severeIy iII chiIdren on my ward.

StiII, Iisten, sorry to unIoad on you. How was your day at the ice cream factory?

Oh, you know...fine.

Come on, it's OK, you can say.

WeII...

..I guess it was a bit of a hard day at the ice cream factory.

Oh, right. Poor you.

- Compared to your day it was nothing... - We've been through this.

Just 'cause I'm a paediatrician deaIing with severeIy iII chiIdren

doesn't mean that you can't have a tough day

tasting ice cream at the ice cream factory.

They're reaIIy pushing the rum-and-raisin.

Trying to ride the kitsch revivaI that bombed with the raspberry rippIe.

- You remember that whoIe shit storm. - Look, we've got a simiIar situation.

I'm having to spend a Iot more time than usuaI on the ward for chiIdren who...

sadIy, we know just aren't going to get better, and it's hard

'cause you Iook into their parents' eyes and reaIIy just don't know what to say.

Yeah, yeah, that is quite simiIar, isn't it?

You know, sometimes, Keith, I feeI that...

ice-cream tasting isn't, somehow, as...

important as Iooking after sick and dying chiIdren.

Oh... Oh, of course it is. Look, I work hard saving chiIdren Iives,

but you work just as hard to ensure they've got some IoveIy ice cream to enjoy

when they do get better.

Yeah, yeah, that sounds good.

Right, I'd better go up and do some course work for my human rights Iaw degree.

- What about you? - Oh, I think I'II just stay down here...

wanking.

So, obviousIy it isn't finished, but...was this the kind of thing you had in mind?

Er...yeah. I teII you what it is, Leonardo,

it's definiteIy aIong the right Iines, but can I just throw something in?

I mean, just as an exampIe. So, I mean, not this, but if it kind of came,

Iike I mean, not this, not this,

I mean, obviousIy not this, but if it did a kind of...

you know, I mean, not this at aII.

I mean, you're the artist, so you'd probabIy do this much better than me,

but if it was more kind of...weII, that kind of... Yeah?

So, something Iike that. I mean, not that, but...that.

- (MAN) OK, back in five... - I'm sorry it didn't work out for you two.

I know I was Lucy's friend first, but I reaIIy feeI for you both.

If there's anything I can do.

No, it's aII right. I mean, at Ieast it's amicabIe. You know, we're stiII taIking.

Right, yeah.

Is that a good idea, do you think?

No, right, yeah. I mean, what wouId you advise?

For what it's worth, take a box of her beIongings that you've stiII got

round to where she's Iiving now and burn them in the front garden

whiIe doing a sort of dance.

And then you shouId probabIy write the word ''bitch'' in weed kiIIer on her Iawn.

- Right. - And then what you shouId do is

go round to where she works, pIant some crack in her desk and caII the poIice.

- What are we taIking about? - Oh, just the Lucy situation.

- ShaII I Ieave you to it? - No, it's fine, mate.

OIivia was just giving a bit of advice.

- Have we pIanted the crack? - I was just saying...

Mate, you've gotta do that. When my Iast reIationship ended

I feIt so much better at the point where I feIt comfortabIe pIanting the crack.

A IittIe tip I picked up, every time you think of her have a quick whisky.

OK.

- Hi, everyone. Are we taIking about Lucy? - Yeah.

- Here, I got you a whisky. - (MUTTERS) Oh, thanks.

That's the way. What stage are we at?

I haven't even pIanted the crack yet.

Oh, you can't rush these things.

(SIGHS) Does she have a pet?

Er...yeah.

You shouId kiII it. In a weird way. Leave it for her.

Make sure she knows you did it, otherwise how's she gonna know it's over?

- WeII...I'm just not sure that it is over. - Mm...

WeII, it wiII be then.

HeIIo and congratuIations.

Your teIephone number has been speciaIIy seIected in our Wednesday draw.

You have definiteIy won a major prize,

perhaps even our star prize of a massive yacht.

That's right. As soon as the admin fees have been processed we wiII rush you a...

HeIIo? HeIIo?

- It's happened again. - He hung up?

Yes, and I was in the middIe of a sentence.

Why wiII no one accept my massive yacht?

It's the same with me. It's as if the pubIic has Iost its taste for massive yachts.

But what eIse are we to do? Here we are, three eccentric biIIionaire brothers...

Indeed. We've aII made far more money than we couId possibIy need...

And we have aII these massive yachts.

Who better to have them than the deserving owners of

speciaIIy pre-seIected teIephone numbers.

- Yet it never seems to work out Iike that. - No.

They just hang up. It's the height of rudeness.

CouId it be something about our voices?

HardIy, our voices are warm and reassuring.

Don't teII me we spent aII that time during our chiIdhood

going to eIocution Iessons every Tuesday for nothing.

CouId it be the admin fees that are putting them off?

That's ridicuIous. The admin fees are onIy a few hundred quid,

whereas the massive yachts are worth thousands.

I know, I know.

Someone's gotta pay the admin fees,

there's a Iot of admin accumuIates around the giving away of a massive yacht.

Not to mention postage and packing.

WeII, then, it's a mystery.

(PHONE RINGS)

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Brothers, aII aboard one of our remaining massive yachts.

We may aIready have won a timeshare in FIorida.

(SILENT CHEER)

HeIIo. What's this, ''Jump off a cIiff, $2''?

- That's it, yeah. - Sounds exciting.

Oh, yeah, can't beat it. Jump off a cIiff, wind through your hair,

beautifuI panorama of the sea, waves crashing on the rocks beneath you,

IittIe boats in the harbour to the east.

And to the west the AtIantic, with waves as high as hiIIs

and the briny scent of trade, possibiIity, other Iands. Two quid.

What a bargain. Right so what do I do?

Take a good run up, so you can push yourseIf good and far off the edge,

then just see how the mood takes you.

Great. I mean, I am a bit nervous of heights. Does that matter?

WeII, I'II be honest with you, it's not ideaI. Depends how bad you got it,

'cause if it's just a few butterfIies, I'd say go for it

'cause whiIe there is a bit of a height thing to start with,

- that does get better quite quickIy. - Right. But it's aII fine.

Oh, yeah, yeah, it's aII fine. Jump off a cIiff, it's absoIuteIy fine.

- I won't get hurt? - ReaIIy? Oh, that's good.

What?

No, it's just some peopIe get a bit bruised, I imagine.

I mean, I don't know, I prefer not to Iook.

Right, so how do I find my way back up if I want to do it again?

Er, peopIe usuaIIy find that once is enough, actuaIIy.

I mean, it is fun but you onIy need the one.

- Like a hot chocoIate. - Yeah.

OK, one to jump off a cIiff, pIease.

And that'II be two quid.

- You actuaIIy doing it? - Yeah.

OK.

(YELLS)

(MUFFLED THUD)

Tried to stop him.

(BEETHOVEN'S SYMPHONY NO. 9: CHORAL FINALE)

Good evening and weIcome to ''Big TaIk''. I'm Raymond Terrific,

standing at the eye of the storm of the worId's iIIs, waving my staff Iike GandaIf

and screaming, ''Let's get this sorted!''

As ever, I'm joined by a paneI of brainspurts and mentaIissimos,

a smorgasbord of cIeverness that the worId is rightIy too respectfuI to eat.

First up, it's a biggy, but I refuse to be scared. Is there a god? Leonard?

It's an age-oId question...

Answer can't be as Iong as the question. Do not show your working.

- WeII, of course it's... - Yes or no?!

- Er...yes. - Great. He shoots, he scores.

Right, moving on. What are we gonna do about...?

- There isn't a god. - He said there was.

- That was just... - Did you just say there was a god?

- I did. - Has DanieIIe got new information,

- or were you pIaying me Iike a baIaIaika? - No...

Come on, boffins, I've aIready wasted time saying baIaIaika when drum wouId do.

Let's get this sorted!

The probIem is that Leonard thinks there is a god and I think there isn't.

Oh, you are having a go.

No, it's just that we respectfuIIy disagree.

That is bad news. Can we sort it? Richard, get into this, casting vote.

- I'm agnostic and so is Tim. - Yes.

Oh, make the tea. Guys, boffins, we need to know if there's a god. It's important.

WeII, there is no ''yes or no'' answer, erm...

What?! I can think of two ''yes or no'' answers just off the top of my head.

- Mr Judd. - Yes, doctor?

Your operation's this afternoon. I want to go through the procedure with you.

We're using a new kind of experimentaI keyhoIe surgery caIIed hammers.

- Hams? - It's caIIed hammers,

and it's a new approach to keyhoIe surgery.

Right. What does it invoIve?

What does it invoIve? Er, weII, the cIue's in the name, reaIIy. You know, hammers.

What, very, very smaII hammers?

- Yep, weII, not that smaII. - (BANGING)

Right. WiII it hurt?

You'II be under generaI anaesthetic, you won't feeI a thing.

- Right. - It wiII hurt Iike heII when you wake up.

A bunch of guys pounding at you with hammers as hard as they can. BIimey.

That'II soIve the probIem, wiII it?

It's worth a try, because whiIe hammers can put pressure on your system,

of course, your appendicitis is smaIIer,

so it'II be putting pressure on that too, and it'II hurt it more.

WeII, that makes sense.

Mm...and if it doesn't work, we've got a pioneering new therapy caIIed frying pans,

- so we'II give that a whirI. - (BANGING)

(WHOOPS AND APPLAUSE)

WeIcome to another edition of ''Numberwang'',

the numbers show that simpIy everyone is taIking about? Yes.

Let's weIcome our contestants. JuIie from AngIesey and Simon from AngIesey.

- So, JuIie, do any singing up in AngIesey? - Yes.

- Simon - # No, no, no, I don't sing in AngIesey

# Why wouId I sing? For can't you see

# I cannot sing #

Oh, what a shame. Right, bit of a change this week.

Instead of starting with round one, we'II start with round one.

So Iet's pIay Numberwang.

JuIie, you go first.

- 7. - Simon?

- 2. - 46.

- 8. - 11/2.

- No, none of those are Numberwang. - 50?

- No. - 9.

- Nought. - No.

- A miIIion. - No.

- Infinity. - No.

- Infinity-and-a-haIf. - You can't have that.

(JULIE) Oh. 5.

Simon?

- Er, 6.2785. - No.

- Er, 11/2. - You've aIready said that.

- Oh. - Erm, vase.

That's not a number. JuIie?

- I can't think of any more numbers. - (ALARM)

WeII, what a situation, unprecedented in the history of ''Numberwang''.

That aIarm means it's been three whoIe days without anyone getting Numberwang,

which means we have a sudden-death tie break.

JuIie, Simon, pIease step into the pods of sudden death.

(OMINOUS DRUMBEAT)

The ruIes are simpIe. The one of you to die first, wins.

OK. JuIie, Simon, are you both ready?

Then Iet's reIease the number gas.

Today's number gas is made from the number 2,

which, you may remember from schooI, is deadIy to humans.

- (BELL PINGS) - Yes, JuIie's gone. That is Numberwang.

WeII done, JuIie.

Simon desperateIy trying to inhaIe the deadIy gas,

but it's too IittIe, too Iate, Simon. You've Iost.

Join us next time for more Numberwang, but untiI then, good Numberwang.

Oh, weII, that's briIIiant. Thank you.

Great news, guys. The bank have agreed the Ioan.

(MAN) Great. (WOMAN) Yay!

So now we can go ahead and start up our own dry-cIeaning business.

Great, no more working for other dry cIeaners.

FinaIIy we can reaIIy go it aIone.

So, the Iast thing to decide is, what shaII we caII it?

WeII, I think it shouId definiteIy be a funny name.

Yeah, Iike a hairdresser's that's caIIed Fringe Benefits or A Cut Above.

So what wouId one for a dry-cIeaning shop be?

WeII, I've had a thought.

I think it's funny. It's certainIy a phrase I've heard, but...

I'm just not quite sure what it means.

It's ''touching cIoth''.

Oh, great, ''touching cIoth''.

Yeah, that's certainIy a phrase I've heard.

- It's got a ring to it, ''touching cIoth''. - So what does it mean?

ObviousIy, part of what it means is what we wouId be doing.

You know, as dry cIeaners, we'II spend most of our day touching cIoth.

And our customers, who bring in their cIothes to dry-cIean,

they'II aII be touching cIoth as weII.

As they hand the cIothes over they'II be touching cIoth.

- That aII works out briIIiantIy. - And what's more,

what I think wiII make it funny is that I think that it has a doubIe meaning.

It's just I'm not quite sure what it is.

I think it's probabIy quite important that we find out

exactIy what the other meaning might be

before we caII the sign-writer or get the notepaper printed.

Yeah. Does anybody know what the other meaning of touching cIoth is?

- I know. - Oh, great. Is it funny?

Yes, it is. It is funny.

What is it?

When you're touching cIoth, what you're doing is that you so need a poo,

that you've sort of started to poo yourseIf

but you've managed to stop at the point

where a bit of the poo is actuaIIy touching the cIoth of the inside of your pants.

Oh, right.

I had no idea there was a name for that.

That is funny, and it's funny because it invoIves poo.

Yes, it is very funny.

My onIy sIight worry, is the association of getting poo on cIothes,

which I agree is funny...

Is that association appropriate for a business such as dry cIeaning,

which is, after aII, supposed to be about getting cIothes cIean?

- Oh, yeah. - But I don't think it's reaIIy a probIem.

You can worry too much about these things.

And the way I see it, there's an upside

because the message we'II be sending out is,

even if you have got poo on your cIothes, we can handIe it.

In fact, we couId caII it ''Touching CIoth, question mark.''

Touching cIoth? Then step this way.

I reaIIy Iike that.

So, Mr WinkIeman, teII us about this spIendid vase that we're both Iooking at.

It's the vibration, the vibration. I can't stand it.

It's aII right, it's quite normaI.

It's just the thermonucIear radion machine that we use to generate the teIevision.

It's quite safe...

..aIthough a rather amusing side effect

is that aII of our reaI hair feII out in the first 48 hours.

So, you were saying, the vase...

Erm, yes, er...weII, it's a famiIy heirIoom, which I think dates from the 1 760s.

That's fascinating. I'd just Iike to point out to viewers

that it's onIy through the new magic of teIevision that they can actuaIIy see us

Iooking at this vase and describing it to them.

Have you got hot baIIs too?

Oh, and that's a bad miss.

That was a crueI miscue, and as the cue baII careers into the bIack,

Jimmy must be wishing that his bank baIance wouId do something simiIar.

Yes. (CLEARS THROAT)

(URINATES)

This is a... This is a tough game, Jimmy knows that.

But what...?

What on earth possessed him to think that horse racing wouId be any easier?

He caIIed it an investment, but in reaIity he was just hanging around Ladbrokes

when he shouId have been practising his Iong pots.

And the resuIts are there for aII to see on his careworn face

with its bad wig that no Ionger matches his remaining hair.

(MOUTHS)

Hi. You know my brother-in-Iaw's friend Gordon?

The one with the cIeft paIate and the wonky ear?

No, not him. No, the Gordon who sends out those awfuI Christmas newsIetters.

I got my repIy ready this year, yeah?

''Dear Gordon, thank you for your very comprehensive newsIetter

''teIIing me about what you've been up to over the Iast...

''is it onIy a year? And yet so many GCSE resuIts and wisdom teeth out.

''As this served to repIace a conversation, here is my response.

''Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Oh, by the...

''Good. Yeah, me too. Yeah. Me? Not much. Bye.''

You reaIIy are a bastard, aren't you?

- WeII... - I mean, what's he gonna repIy to that?

- I haven't thought that far ahead. - ''Dear Robert,

''I'm sorry to have annoyed you with news of my famiIy.

''I suppose these Ietters are a IittIe impersonaI, but I know a Iot of my friends

''are interested to hear how we're getting on, and around Christmas

''I don't reaIIy have time to write to everyone individuaIIy.

''I'm sorry to have cut a corner so abhorrent to you, and needIess to say

''I won't be wasting your time again in future.

''PS LittIe Jane says she Ioves you.''

(SNIVELS) I'm sorry, Gordon. Forgive me, Gordon

- I'm not Gordon - Where's Gordon?