Original subtitles

YOU DON´T NEED TO SHAVE YOUR LEGS ABOVE THE KNEE!

NO ONE SHOULD BE LOOKING UP THERE ANYWAY.

I´M NOT SHAVING MY LEGS ANYMORE.

I´M GROWING IT OUT LIKE YOUR EAR HAIR.

GUESS WHAT, SASQUATCH. IT´S HEREDITARY.

COME ON, MAX!

LET´S GO, BROTHER! I´M GONNA BE LATE FOR WORK!

YOU´RE A KID! YOU SHOULD HATE BEING CLEAN!

I DO!

I HAVEN´T SHOWERED IN THREE DAYS.

ME AND JIMMY CREEGAN ARE HAVING A STINK-OFF.

YOU WIN.

ALL RIGHT, ANGIE! DON´T MAKE ME COME IN THERE!

UNLESS, OF COURSE, YOU WANT ME TO COME IN THERE.

[ WATER STOPS ]

I´LL TAKE THAT AS A YES.

CLOSE YOUR EYES, BABY.

HERE COMES RAMON THE TOWEL BOY!

OH, GOD!

OH, THAT AIN´T RIGHT!

HEY, PERV! DID YOU ENJOY THE SHOW?

AAAAAH!

[ FOOTSTEPS ]

ANGIE, ANGIE, QUICK! SHOW ME YOUR BODY!

OH, YEAH, I FORGOT TO TELL YOU YOUR MOM´S USING OUR SHOWER.

MAN, WITH ALL THE STEAM IN THERE,

IT WAS LIKE "GORILLAS IN THE MIST."

WHAT´S WRONG WITH HER SHOWER?

HER DRAIN´S CLOGGED.

IT TAKES A DAY FOR THE WATER TO GO DOWN.

YOU SHOULD FIX IT FOR HER.

NO.

"NO"?

I ALWAYS DO THINGS FOR HER --

GETTING HER GROCERIES, FIXING HER CAR --

AND SHE NEVER APPRECIATES IT.

SO, YOU KNOW WHAT? I´M DONE.

GEORGE, I´M SURE SHE APPRECIATES IT, BUT --

ANGIE, I´VE SPENT MY ENTIRE LIFE

TRYING TO GET A "THANK YOU" FROM THAT WOMAN,

AND ALL I GET IS SARCASM.

"THANKS FOR THE STRETCH MARKS."

"THANKS FOR SITTING IN FRONT OF THE TV WITH THAT BIG HEAD.

"THANKS FOR SCARING AWAY ALL MY DATES BY SAYING,

´ARE YOU MY NEW DADDY?´"

COME ON!

I CAN SWEAR IN 15 YEARS I´VE HEARD HER SAY, "THANK YOU."

NO, YOU JUST IMAGINED IT, ´CAUSE YOU LIVE IN ANGIE LAND,

WHERE THE SKY IS BLUE

AND PEOPLE ALWAYS SAY "THANK YOU" AND "HOWDY"

AND "OH, YOU LOOK SO CUTE IN THAT TOP."

SO YOU´RE TELLING ME YOUR MOM NEVER SAYS, "THANK YOU,"

AND EVERY TIME YOU TELL ME I LOOK CUTE IN SOMETHING,

I´M IMAGINING IT?

IT´S COLD AND DARK OUT HERE, ISN´T IT?

YOU´RE BEING RIDICULOUS. I BET SHE SAYS IT.

IF YOU DON´T BELIEVE ME, DO SOMETHING NICE FOR HER.

OH, HEY, MR. PEEPERS!

NEXT SHOW STARTS TOMORROW, 8:00 A.M. SHARP.

I HOPE THERE´S A 20-DRINK MINIMUM.

ANGIE, WHY DON´T YOU GET MY MOM A CUP OF COFFEE.

I´M SURE SHE WOULD, UH, APPRECIATE IT.

I´M SURE SHE WILL APPRECIATE IT.

HERE YOU GO, BENNY.

NICE AND HOT.

WHAT, ARE YOU TRYING TO BURN ME?

BENNY, I MADE MYSELF SOME FRENCH TOAST,

BUT I HAVE SOME LEFTOVERS.

HERE -- WHY DON´T YOU HAVE IT?

WHY DON´T YOU GET ME SOME SAUSAGE

OUT OF THE TRASH CAN WHILE YOU´RE AT IT!

WHAT AM I, YOUR GOAT?!

I WANT TO PUNCH HER IN THE THROAT.

[ CHUCKLES ]

HEY, DON´T START SOMETHING YOU CAN´T FINISH.

OKAY, I JUST TOOK A BATH,

AND A CIGARETTE BUTT FLOATED TO THE TOP.

OH, I THOUGHT I PUT THAT OUT IN THE ASHTRAY.

IT´S NOT AN ASHTRAY. IT´S A SOAP DISH.

MOM, WHY DON´T YOU CALL A PLUMBER TO FIX YOUR DRAIN?

OH, NO. THAT´S TOO EXPENSIVE.

I GOT TO SAVE FOR MY RETIREMENT...

UNLESS YOU WANT ME LIVING IN YOUR ATTIC.

I WOULDN´T DO THAT TO THE OTHER BATS.

I DON´T NEED A PLUMBER ANYWAY.

I MET A GUY AT HOME DEPOT. HE´S COMING OVER TOMORROW.

WELL, IF HE WORKS THERE, HE PROBABLY KNOWS HIS STUFF.

OH, HE DOESN´T WORK THERE.

HE WAS IN THE PARKING LOT,

HANGING AROUND WITH A BUNCH OF GUYS.

THEY WERE PASSING AROUND A BEER,

AND WHEN IT GOT TO ME, I STARTED TALKING TO HIM.

WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU´RE HAVING A GUY YOU DON´T KNOW COME OVER TO YOUR HOUSE?

HEY, IT´S NOT LIKE I DIDN´T ASK HIM FOR HIS I.D.

HE JUST DIDN´T HAVE ANY.

ARE YOU CRAZY, MOM? YOU LIVE ALONE.

THIS GUY COULD KILL YOU! HE COULD ROB YOU!

NO WAY HE´S COMING OVER TO YOUR HOUSE!

OH, YOU´LL NEVER KNOW IF HE COMES OVER.

SO YOU KNOW WHAT? SURE, HE´S NOT COMING OVER.

ALL RIGHT, I´LL TAKE A LOOK AT YOUR DRAIN THIS AFTERNOON.

OKAY, WHATEVER.

WELL, I´M OFF TO PEP BOYS.

HEY, WHOA!

WHERE ARE YOU GOING WITH MY BEER?

I´M GONNA FIND A GUY IN THE PARKING LOT

TO FIX MY CARBURETOR.

ALL RIGHT, MOM, I´LL TAKE A LOOK AT YOUR CARBURETOR, TOO.

WHATEVER.

WELL, I´M OFF TO THE PARKING LOT AT THE PAINT STORE.

GET OUT.

MAN, BENNY, I HAVEN´T BEEN IN YOUR HOUSE SINCE HIGH SCHOOL.

MOM, IS THAT LAMP STILL BROKEN?

YOU KNOW WHAT? IT IS.

WHAT´S WRONG WITH IT?

I DON´T KNOW. I THINK IT´S A LOOSE CORD.

YEAH, I BET I COULD FIX IT.

AAAAH!

[ LAUGHTER ]

HIJOLE!

FUNNY EVERY TIME.

THAT WASN´T FUNNY!

WHAT´S GOING ON?

THEY SHOCKED ME!

WHY DIDN´T YOU GUYS CALL ME?

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO, BENNY...

THE ONLY THING YOU NEED FIXED IN HERE IS THE DRAIN?

NO, I GOT TO PATCH THE SHOWER CURTAIN HERE,

AND I GOT TO GET SOME NEW DUCT TAPE FOR THIS TILE.

BUT HOW DO YOU TURN ON THE HOT WATER?

THERE´S NO HANDLE.

HEY, I GOT PLIERS.

IF THE PLIERS ARE HERE,

HOW DO YOU CHANGE THE CHANNELS ON THE TV?

YOU KNOW WHAT? I´M NOT A HILLBILLY.

I BOUGHT ANOTHER PAIR OF PLIERS.

GEORGE...

THIS PLACE IS FALLING APART.

WHY DOESN´T SHE DO SOMETHING?

SHE´S USED TO IT.

BESIDES, SHE OLDER.

SHE´S ONLY IN HERE A COUPLE OF TIMES A WEEK.

YOU CAN´T LET YOUR MOTHER LIVE LIKE THIS.

YOU SHOULD HAVE THE BATHROOM REDONE FOR HER.

NO. NO WAY.

COME ON, YOU COULD SURPRISE HER.

THINK ABOUT IT -- FRESH PAINT, NICE TILES,

AND MAYBE ONE OF THOSE CUSHIONY TOILET SEATS, HUH?

NO, LET HER HOVER.

DO YOU REALLY WANT THAT "THANK YOU"?

DO YOU REALLY WANT TO SEE HER APPRECIATION?

YOU KNOW I DO.

WELL, YOU´VE NEVER DONE ANYTHING THIS BIG FOR HER.

IF YOU GIVE HER A WHOLE NEW BATHROOM,

THERE IS NO WAY SHE CAN´T SAY, "THANK YOU."

IT WOULD BE NICE TO HEAR IT ONE TIME IN MY LIFE.

YOU DESERVE IT, GEORGE.

I DO. AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

I´M GONNA DO ALL THE WORK MYSELF.

I´M GONNA MAKE THIS BATHROOM SO NICE,

EVERY TIME SHE USES IT SHE´S GONNA THINK OF ME.

THIS IS A BIG JOB.

SHOULDN´T YOU HIRE PROFESSIONALS?

PROFESSIONALS? ANGIE, PLEASE!

I GOT THIS.

[ INTRO TO WAR´S "LOW RIDER" PLAYS ]

♫ ALL MY FRIENDS KNOW THE LOW RIDER ♫

♫ THE LOW RIDER IS A LITTLE HIGHER ♫

HEY, YOU´VE BEEN AT THAT DRAIN FOREVER.

MAYBE WE SHOULD USE A REAL PLUMBER´S SNAKE.

WHAT FOR? USING A HOSE IS BETTER.

I GET WATER PRESSURE AND A SNAKE,

AND I CAN REGULATE THE FLOW.

LOOK -- OFF, ON.

IS IT WORKING?

YEAH, I ALREADY GOT OUT ENOUGH HAIR AND CIGARETTES

TO MAKE THREE BENNYS.

MAX, TURN IT OFF!

THIS WHOLE REMODEL IS GONNA TAKE LONGER THAN YOU THOUGHT.

HOW ARE YOU GONNA KEEP YOUR MOM AWAY?

I LIED -- TOLD HER A PIPE BROKE

AND I HAD TO SHUT THE WATER OFF.

SO SHE´S STAYING AT OUR PLACE FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS.

IT´S A REALLY GREAT THING YOU´RE DOING FOR YOUR MOM.

MAYBE I SHOULD PUT IN THAT BIDET MY MOM´S BEEN ASKING ABOUT.

WHAT´S A BIDET?

IT´S A REFRESHING WATER FOUNTAIN FOR YOUR BUTT.

COOL.

MAN!

THERE´S SOMETHING BLOCKING THE DRAIN

RIGHT AROUND THE PIPE BEND.

I THINK I GOT A JOB FOR THE ASSISTANT PLUMBER!

ANOTHER BEER, DAD?

NO, A BIG, MANLY JOB.

I NEED YOU TO REACH IN THE DRAIN

AND FIND OUT WHAT´S AROUND THE CORNER.

ARE YOU CRAZY?!

WHAT IF SOMETHING BITES ME?

WHAT IF I GET SUCKED IN?

WHAT IF I DON´T BUY YOU THE MADDEN FOOTBALL GAME

ON THE WAY HOME?

I´M GOING IN!

UGH!

HOLD MY ANKLES.

I DON´T WANT TO GET SUCKED IN, TOO.

WHOA.

GO AHEAD.

HEY! HEY, I FEEL SOMETHING!

WHAT IS IT?

IT´S COLD AND HARD.

HEY, HE FOUND MY MOM´S HEART.

[ LAUGHS ]

GOT IT!

IT´S A LITTLE BOTTLE.

"KENTUCKY...BOURBON."

MAYBE THERE´S A MESSAGE IN IT.

YEAH, THERE´S A MESSAGE.

GRANDMA´S DRINKING IN THE TUB, AND SHE NEEDS HELP.

HERE -- GO THROW THIS AWAY.

WELL, THE HEAT LAMP´S IN.

WOW. THAT LOOKS GOOD, ERNIE.

YEAH, SHE´S A BEAUTY --

THE WAY SHE FITS IN THERE PERFECT.

WHEN DO I HOOK UP THE WIRES?

USUALLY BEFORE YOU PUT IT IN THE CEILING.

OH.

NICE GOING, BOB THE BUILDER.

HERE. LET ME...

FROM NOW ON, YOU REPORT TO MAX.

[ Straining ] I THINK I GOT IT.

[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]

UGH!

ARE YOU OKAY?

[ SPITS ]

BEER ME.

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

It´s me -- Angie!

IS SHE WITH YOU?

No, she´s taking the tinfoil off the bedroom window.

She wants to make herself a baked potato.

[ GASPS ]

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

GEORGE, IT´S BEAUTIFUL!

SHE IS GONNA LOVE IT.

IT WAS HARDER THAN I THOUGHT. I ALMOST KILLED MYSELF.

BUT WHEN SHE WALKS IN HERE AND SEES ALL THIS

AND FINALLY SAYS "THANK YOU," IT´LL BE WORTH IT.

ARE YOU STANDING FUNNY?

YEAH, I GOT DRYWALL IN MY BUTT CHEEKS.

IF I DON´T TAKE A SHOWER SOON,

THEY´RE GONNA BE SPACKLED SHUT FOREVER.

MOM, COME HERE!

I WANT TO SHOW YOU HOW GOOD THE DRAIN WORKS.

OKAY, CLOSE YOUR EYES, MOM.

WHY?

JUST DO IT.

THE LAST TIME SOMEBODY TOLD ME TO CLOSE MY EYES,

I ENDED UP WITH YOU.

YOUR HIGHNESS...

YOUR THRONE!

I WANTED TO SURPRISE YOU!

CHECK IT OUT, MOM -- NEW CHROME FIXTURES...

PORCELAIN SINK...

LOW-FLOW TOILET WITH WHISPER FLUSH AND PADDED SEAT.

WHAT DO YOU THINK, MOM?

THE HOOK FOR THE ROBE IS TOO HIGH.

EXCUSE ME?

WELL, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET UP THERE?

OH, I FORGOT THAT BIG GROWTH SPURT I´M GONNA HAVE

WHEN I HIT 60.

BENNY, GEORGE JUST REDID YOUR ENTIRE BATHROOM

WITH HIS OWN HANDS, AND THAT´S ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY?

HEY, I DIDN´T ASK HIM TO DO IT.

I JUST NEEDED TO HAVE THE DRAIN FIXED.

IT´S FIXED.

YOU DON´T DESERVE THIS!

[ GUNFIRE AND EXPLOSIONS ]

[ TIRES SCREECHING ]

HOW´S YOUR DAD DOING?

OOH, HE´S STILL SCARY MAD.

GEORGE?

HEY, HONEY!

GEORGE?

WHAT´S HE PLAYING?

"SWAT TEAM"...

BUT HE´S KILLING ALL THE CIVILIANS.

WILL YOU PLEASE TALK TO ME NOW?

COME ON, GEORGE.

LET THAT OLD LADY CROSS THE STREET AND TALK TO ME.

THERE SHE GOES. SHE´S ALMOST THERE.

[ GUNFIRE, WOMAN SHRIEKS ]

OKAY, TALK TO ME.

I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN SHE´D DO THIS TO ME.

THIS WHOLE THING IS YOUR FAULT!

OH, COME ON.

ANGIE, YOU CAN´T BLAME THE SCORPION FOR STINGING YOU.

IT´S IN THEIR NATURE.

BUT YOU CAN BLAME THE PERSON

WHO TALKED YOU INTO FIXING THE SCORPION´S TOILET!

LOOK, I WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP.

ANGIE, I PUT THREE DAYS OF WORK IN THERE.

I PUT MY BLOOD, SWEAT,

AND THE TIP OF ERNIE´S PINKIE INTO THAT BATHROOM!

HE´S OKAY.

LOOK, YOU´RE RIGHT TO BE ANGRY, GEORGE.

SHE IS WRONG.

YOU DID AN AMAZING JOB ON THAT BATHROOM.

I BUILT AN ASHTRAY INTO THE SHOWER.

THAT´S CUSTOM.

YOU DON´T SEE THAT IN THE CATALOG.

THAT CAME FROM RIGHT HERE.

MAYBE DEEP DOWN SHE REALLY IS GRATEFUL,

BUT SHE JUST CAN´T EXPRESS IT.

WHY DO YOU KEEP MAKING EXCUSES FOR HER?

I´M NOT. I´M JUST SAYING IT´S PROBABLY HARD FOR HER.

LOOK, SAYING "THANK YOU"

IS ACKNOWLEDGING THAT SOMEBODY DID SOMETHING FOR YOU,

AND BENNY WOULD NEVER ADMIT THAT SHE NEEDED ANYBODY

TO DO ANYTHING FOR HER.

IT´S A SIGN OF WEAKNESS.

MAYBE IT WOULD HELP IF YOU OPENED UP TO HER.

IF I WHAT?

YOU GUYS NEVER REALLY TALK.

YOU JUST BARK AT EACH OTHER.

MAYBE IF YOU THANKED HER FOR ALL THE THINGS SHE´S DONE FOR YOU,

SHE´D BE ABLE TO THANK YOU FOR ALL THE THINGS THAT YOU´VE DONE.

I DON´T WANT TO OPEN UP.

IT´LL MAKE YOU THE BIGGER PERSON.

I LIKE BEING SMALL. I´M VERY HAPPY WITH MY SIZE.

GEORGE, YOU´RE GONNA HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS.

WHAT, ARE YOU GONNA NEVER TALK TO HER AGAIN?

NO, EVENTUALLY I´M GONNA HAVE TO SAY, "IT´S OKAY, MOM.

LET GO."

"HEAD FOR THE LIGHT."

GEORGE.

WHAT DO I GET IF I DO?

A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR MOTHER.

AND ONCE I GET THAT, CAN I TRADE IT FOR SOMETHING I CAN USE?

LIKE WHAT?

A GEORGE FOREMAN GRILL.

SURE.

ONE OF THE BIG ONES.

YEAH, WITH THE BUN WARMER.

OH, THAT´S NICE.

WHY DO WE HAVE TO TALK IN THE BATHROOM?

´CAUSE I WANT TO TALK IN THE BATHROOM.

IF ANYTHING HAPPENS TO ME IN HERE, GEORGE, I WILL HAUNT YOU!

I SWEAR I WILL!

MOM, I JUST WANT TO TALK.

WE NEVER REALLY TALK. WE JUST BARK AT EACH OTHER.

IS ANGIE BEHIND THIS?

NO!

I JUST THINK WE NEED TO OPEN UP TO EACH OTHER.

IT SURE SMELLS LIKE ANGIE.

YOU KNOW WHY I DID ALL THIS, MOM?

TO GET YOU TO SAY, "THANK YOU."

THEN I REALIZED THAT THERE ARE A LOT OF THINGS

I NEVER THANKED YOU FOR.

I KNOW HOW HARD IT WAS FOR YOU RAISING ME ALONE,

AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICES,

AND THANK YOU FOR BEING MY MOM AND MY DAD,

AND THANK YOU FOR ALL THE THINGS

I DON´T EVEN KNOW THAT YOU DID FOR ME.

NOW IS THERE ANYTHING YOU WANT TO SAY TO ME, MOM?

IT´S ABOUT FREAKIN´ TIME.

I DON´T THINK YOU´RE GETTING THIS, MOM.

YOU SEE, I JUST OPENED UP. I FEEL GOOD ABOUT IT.

NOW I WANT YOU TO OPEN UP.

ALL RIGHT, BUT THIS IS GONNA BE HARD FOR ME.

[ SIGHS ]

I LIKE MOVIES WHERE DOGS CAN TALK.

WHAT I´M LOOKING FOR, MOM, IS TWO LITTLE WORDS.

THREE IF YOU SAY IT, "BLANK BLANK, GEORGE."

OR YOU COULD SAY IT, "GEORGE, BLANK BLANK."

I´LL MAKE IT EASIER FOR YOU.

IN SPANISH, IT´S JUST ONE WORD.

ADIóS.

WAIT!

MAYBE I´M BEING TOO VAGUE.

LET´S TAKE THIS NICE TOWEL RACK THAT I PUT IN.

SOME PEOPLE WOULD BE THANKFUL FOR THAT.

IT´S JUST A TOWEL RACK.

SO YOU DON´T CARE IF IT´S HERE OR NOT?

OOPS!

MY BAD!

LET´S GO TO THE SHOWER HEAD.

IT´S GOT THREE SPEEDS --

STEADY STREAM, PULSATE, MASSAGE.

OOH, MAMA, MASSAGE!

IT´S A SHOWER HEAD!

YOU WANT TWO WORDS? YOU´RE CRAZY!

OOH, THE SINK WISHES YOU HADN´T SAID THAT.

OH, FOR GOD´S SAKE, GEORGE!

GEORGE!

[ LAUGHS ]

HOLD IT! HOLD IT! WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO TO THAT?

WHY, DO YOU LIKE THIS?

YEAH, I LIKE IT!

WELL, SAY THE WORDS, MOM, OR IT´S COMING OFF!

[ Strained ] THANK YOU.

I DIDN´T HEAR YOU.

THANK YOU FOR THE DAMN TOILET SEAT!

THERE! YOU HAPPY? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?

YES. WAS THAT SO HARD?

YEAH, IT WAS,

´CAUSE I DON´T HAVE A LOT OF PRACTICE DOING THIS!

WHO DO I THANK FOR HAVING TO DROP OUT OF SCHOOL

WHEN I WAS 15 TO WORK IN A FACTORY?

WHO DO I THANK FOR GETTING ME PREGNANT

AND LEAVING ME AT 17?

WHO DO I THANK FOR FEELING LIKE I WAS 68 WHEN I WAS 25?

BUT THANK GOD I SURE KNOW WHO TO THANK

FOR GIVING ME A CUSHIONED TOILET SEAT!

I LOVE YOU, MOM.

THANK YOU.

YOU JUST OPENED UP. NO, I DIDN´T!

YEAH, YOU DID. NO, I DIDN´T!

I´M PRETTY SURE YOU DID.

OH, WHAT DO YOU KNOW?!

LOOK, YOU PUT THE SOAP DISH TOO FAR AWAY FROM THE SHOWER HEAD.

THAT´S CAUSE IT´S AN ASHTRAY!

REALLY?

THAT´S SO NICE.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU´RE A PRETTY GOOD SON.

THANK YOU.

YOU GIVE IT UP WAY TOO EASY.

ANGIE, THE KIDS ARE OUT OF THE HOUSE,

MY MOM´S GOT HER OWN BATHROOM, AND IT´S JUST US,

OR SHALL I SAY IT´S JUST YOU AND RAMON THE TOWEL BOY.

[ WATER STOPS ]

SOUNDS LIKE SOMEBODY´S READY TO BE DRIED.

OH, GOD!

OH!

WHO´S RAMON?

UGH!