Original subtitles

HEY.

HEY, THERE SHE IS. HOW WAS YOUR DANCE CLASS?

WANT TO SEE SOME HIP-HOP MOVES I LEARNED?

WAIT, LET ME GET MY POSSE TOGETHER.

MOM, TURN AROUND.

[ DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ]

DAMN!

WHO´S BEEN WATERING HER CHI-CHIS?

WHOA, WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?

I DON´T KNOW, BUT IF THEY SEE THEIR SHADOWS,

WE GOT SIX MORE WEEKS OF WINTER.

SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I THINK YOU SHOULD GO UPSTAIRS AND PUT ON A SWEATSHIRT.

AND ANOTHER SWEATSHIRT AND THEN A SLEEPING BAG.

DAD, RELAX, IT´S JUST A CROP TOP.

WELL, THE CROPS ARE GROWING TOO FAST!

WHAT HAPPENED?

A MINUTE AGO, SHE WAS MY LITTLE GIRL IN PAJAMAS

CLUTCHING HER TEDDY BEAR,

AND NOW THERE´S NO ROOM FOR THE TEDDY BEAR.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT THIS, HUH?

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

I´LL TELL YOU WHAT MY MOM DID TO ME WHEN I HIT PUBERTY.

SHE SLAPPED ME, AND SHE SAID,

"THAT´S IN CASE YOU DO SOMETHING."

THEN SHE SLAPPED ME AGAIN

AND SAID, "THAT´S IN CASE YOU LIKE IT."

THAT´S TERRIBLE!

SHE WAS OLD-WORLD, HOMES.

HEY, MOM, HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN, YOU KNOW...

YOUR CROPS CAME IN?

I WAS 16.

YEAH, BUT YOU GOT PREGNANT AT 17.

ANGIE!

ANGIE!

WHAT IS IT?

I´M RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF MR. NEEDLES´ HYDROTHERAPY.

HAVE YOU SEEN WHAT CARMEN LOOKS LIKE IN HER DANCE SHIRT?

WHICH ONE?

THE ONE THAT´S GOT THE BIG BREASTS IN IT.

DO YOU HAVE TO USE THAT WORD?

KEEP IT CLEAN -- CHI-CHIS.

SO YOU´RE JUST NOTICING CARMEN´S...CHI-CHIS?

HEY, I DON´T LOOK THERE, ALL RIGHT?

YOU´RE THE ONE WHO´S HOME ALL THE TIME.

HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN?

DON´T BLAME ANGIE.

CARMEN´S GIFTS OBVIOUSLY CAME FROM MY SIDE OF THE FAMILY.

FIVE GENERATIONS OF WOMEN...

NOT ONE DROWNING.

THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING.

THE BOYS AT SCHOOL ARE GONNA BE ALL OVER HER NOW.

WE GOTTA DO SOMETHING.

LET ME HAVE A TALK WITH HER. SHE´S AT A DELICATE AGE.

OKAY.

BE DELICATE.

BE SENSITIVE.

BE GENTLE.

JUST RUIN SEX FOR HER.

I´LL BE HOME BEFORE DINNER.

HONEY, CAN WE TALK FOR JUST A SECOND?

SIT DOWN AND HAVE A CUP OF TEA WITH ME.

NO! THE LAST TIME WE HAD TEA,

WE TALKED ABOUT MY SPECIAL FRIEND COMING TO VISIT.

OH, AND THE WAY, YOU FORGOT TO MENTION

SHE COMES WITH A COUPLE OF BUDDIES -- CRAMPY AND BLOATY.

OKAY, FORGET THE TEA. LET´S SIT DOWN.

[ SIGHS ]

I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT BOYS.

WHAT´S THERE TO TALK ABOUT?

I CAN´T DATE UNTIL I´M 16 ANYWAY.

THAT´S NOT GONNA STOP THE BOYS.

YOU´RE DEVELOPING A WOMAN´S BODY,

AND THE BOYS ARE GONNA START TO GET...EXCITED.

AND WHEN BOYS GET EXCITED,

THEY´RE GONNA START PUTTING ALL KINDS OF PRESSURE ON YOU

TO DO THINGS, BUT DON´T LISTEN TO THEM.

THE BOYS WHO REALLY LIKE YOU WILL STILL LIKE YOU.

YOU SHOULD WAIT.

SO THAT WAY, YOUR FIRST TIME WILL BE REALLY SPECIAL.

OH, IT WAS SPECIAL, ALL RIGHT.

[ MR. NEEDLES YELPS ]

THAT WAS FOR DAD.

I´M NOT LISTENING!

GUYS AREN´T EVEN LOOKING AT ME. YOU´RE WORRYING FOR NOTHING.

I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW WE CAN ALWAYS HAVE AN HONEST TALK.

OKAY.

SO WHEN WAS YOUR FIRST TIME?

MY WEDDING NIGHT WAS VERY SPECIAL.

THIS HONESTY THING, IT´S A ONE-WAY STREET, ISN´T IT?

YOU CAN GO NOW.

I WANT TO ADD ONE THING -- MEN ARE PIGS.

THEY JUST WANT TO GO TO BED WITH YOU,

AND IF THEY SAY THEY LOVE YOU,

THEY JUST WANT TO GO TO BED WITH YOU,

AND IF YOU´RE STUPID ENOUGH TO LET THEM GO TO BED WITH YOU,

THEY´RE THINKING ABOUT GOING TO BED WITH SOMEBODY ELSE.

TRUST ME, I USED TO BE A MAN BEFORE I GOT MARRIED.

HEY.

THANKS FOR NOT PICKING ME UP IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE.

MY PARENTS ARE FREAKING OUT ABOUT BOYS.

IF MY DAD KNEW ABOUT YOU, HE´D KILL YOU.

IT´D BE WORTH IT.

WHY DON´T WE BLOW OFF POETRY CLUB AND GO FOR A DRIVE?

THAT´S COOL.

YOU KNOW, MY DAD SAYS ALL GUYS ARE PIGS.

WELL, MOST OF THEM ARE.

IT´S A GOOD THING YOU FOUND ME.

[ INTRO TO WAR´S "LOW RIDER" PLAYS ]

♫ ALL MY FRIENDS KNOW THE LOW RIDER ♫

♫ THE LOW RIDER IS A LITTLE HIGHER ♫

LOOK AT THESE CHICKEN BREASTS. THEY´RE HUGE.

WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO HAVE A TALK WITH THE CHICKENS, TOO?

NO, ´CAUSE THEN I´D JUST HAVE TO HAVE A REAL TALK

WITH THEM AFTERWARDS.

WAIT A SECOND.

WHAT TALK DID YOU HAVE?

WHAT DID YOU SAY TO CARMEN?

LOOK, ANGIE, I KNOW YOU MEANT WELL,

BUT SOMEBODY HAD TO TELL HER THE TRUTH.

ALL MEN ARE PIGS, AND THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING.

GEORGE, WHEN YOU MAKE STUPID GENERALIZATIONS LIKE THAT,

KIDS KNOW IT´S NOT TRUE.

THEN THEY JUST GO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT.

MY MOM USED TO TELL ME IF I EVER KISSED A WOMAN

OR TOUCHED A WOMAN, SHE´D GET PREGNANT,

AND THAT KEPT ME FROM EVER TRYING TO TOUCH A WOMAN,

AND THAT´S OBVIOUSLY BULL.

SO NOW I GOTTA TALK TO CARMEN AND FIX IT.

WILL YOU GET THIS CHICKEN OUT OF HERE?

I CAN´T THINK WITH ALL THESE BREASTS IN THE HOUSE!

EXCUSE ME.

OH, CAN I HELP YOU?

GAS COMPANY. GOTTA READ YOUR METER.

MY DAD SAYS YOU SHOULD PUT A METER ON MY BUTT.

YOU´D MAKE A FORTUNE.

I LIKE YOUR DAD´S SENSE OF HUMOR.

YOUR SON´S ADORABLE.

BUT HE´S NOT MY --

YOU KNOW, YOU GOTTA HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR

TO BE A SINGLE FATHER IN TODAY´S WORLD.

NOT A LOT OF GUYS CAN HANDLE IT.

I´M NO HERO.

I JUST KNOW WHAT´S IMPORTANT IN LIFE.

[ CHUCKLES ] THIS LITTLE GUY.

HEY, YOU KNOW, I´M NOT DUE BACK AGAIN FOR A MONTH,

BUT IF THERE´S A LEAK OR SOMETHING,

MAYBE YOU COULD CALL ME.

[ CHUCKLES ]

MAYBE I WILL.

YOU CAN´T BE TOO CAREFUL WITH LEAKS.

BEING A -- BEING A SINGLE FATHER AND ALL.

THAT´S RIGHT. BYE.

BYE.

ALL RIGHT.

ERNIE, WHY´D YOU LIE LIKE THAT? YOU´RE NOT MY DAD.

THAT´S TOO BAD, ´CAUSE IF I WERE YOUR DAD,

YOU COULD ALL THE ICE CREAM YOU COULD EAT AND A $5 ALLOWANCE.

MAKE IT $10.

DEAL.

DADDY!

I´LL GET MY WALLET.

HEY, THERE, MAXIMILIAN. HOW YOU DOING?

HAVE YOU BEEN WRESTLING?

NO. WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?

´CAUSE YOU´VE GOT THIS BIG PURPLE BRUISE ON YOUR NECK.

OH, MY GOD. ADAM.

YOU NAME YOUR BRUISES, TOO?

I HAVE A SCAB NAMED STEVE.

MOM AND DAD ARE IN THE KITCHEN?!

OH, MY GOD!

WHOA, WHOA. HOLD UP.

I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.

YOU KNOW, I´M -- I´M REALLY TIRED.

CAN WE DO IT LATER?

NO, THIS IS IMPORTANT. COME DOWN HERE.

OKAY.

OH, MAN, IT´S SO COLD IN HERE.

SO, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT?

LISTEN, CARMEN,

I WENT A LITTLE OVERBOARD THIS MORNING, OKAY?

NOT ALL GUYS ARE PIGS.

THE POPE.

REGIS SEEMS FRIENDLY.

CARMEN, YOUR FATHER´S RIGHT. NOT ALL MEN ARE PIGS.

GEORGE, TAKE DOWN THE HOOD. I THINK SHE´S GOT A HICKEY.

OH, MY GOD. WHO DID THIS?!

NO ONE.

OH, NO ONE!

SO YOU JUST USED THE CORNER ATTACHMENT ON THE HOOVER

TO PROVE TO EVERYBODY THAT A GIRL WOULD KISS YOU!

WHAT? HUH?

DON´T TURN THIS BACK ON ME! WHO DID THIS TO YOU?!

"WHO DID THIS TO YOU?"

YOU´RE MAKING IT SOUND SO HORRIBLE.

WHY ARE YOU BEING SO DRAMATIC?

NO, THAT WAS SHOCK. THIS IS DRAMATIC --

YOU HAVE LOST EVERY PRIVILEGE EXCEPT BREATHING!

YOU´RE NEVER LEAVING THIS HOUSE!

I HAVE TO GO TO SCHOOL. NOT ANYMORE!

WE´RE HOMESCHOOLING YOU FROM NOW ON.

WHATEVER WE DON´T KNOW, YOU DON´T KNOW.

WHEN DID THE KOREAN WAR START?

I DON´T KNOW, AND NEITHER DO YOU!

WHAT THE HELL IS THE REFORMATION?

SORRY, OUT OF LUCK!

GEORGE, CALM DOWN.

CARMEN, COME HERE.

I SWEAR TO GOD, I WILL BREAK YOU.

I WANT A NAME, AND I WANT IT NOW.

[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]

WE´RE GONNA FIND OUT WHO IT IS.

NO, YOU WON´T.

HEY, UH, I WALKING DOWN THE STREET,

AND I FOUND THIS BOOK WITH SOMEONE´S TAKE-HOME TEST IN IT,

AND IT SEEMED IMPORTANT.

SO I´M GOING DOOR TO DOOR TO FIND OUT WHOSE IT IS.

IS THERE A CARMEN LO-PEEZ HERE?

ANGIE, DOES THAT MORON HAVE A HICKEY?

MM-HMM.

RUN, ADAM! RUN!

YOU´D BETTER RUN, MORON.

GEORGE!

WHAT HAPPENED?

RACIAL PROFILING.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION.

IF YOU´RE A COP, WHO DO YOU CHASE --

THE CAR THAT RUNS A RED LIGHT

OR THE LATINO GUY CHASING THE CAR YELLING "I´LL KILL YOU!"

IS THAT HIS ANTENNA?

YEP.

YOU TOUCH MY DAUGHTER, YOU GO BACK TO A.M., FOOL.

CAN YOU BELIEVE CARMEN IS SEEING A BOY WHO DRIVES?

HIS NAME IS ADAM CONNERS. HE´S 16.

THEY MET AT THE POETRY CLUB, AND HE´S SENSITIVE, DEEP,

AND BEAUTIFUL IN A WAY WE´LL NEVER UNDERSTAND.

APPARENTLY, HER NEW CHEST IS STEALING BLOOD FROM HER BRAIN.

WHERE IS SHE?

I SENT HER TO HER ROOM.

I TOLD HER THAT FROM NOW ON, SHE IS ON A TIGHT LEASH.

WE´RE DRIVING HER TO AND FROM SCHOOL

AND KEEPING HER HOME AT NIGHT.

YEAH, BUT WHAT ABOUT WHILE THEY´RE AT SCHOOL?

HE´S GOT A CAR IN THE PARKING LOT.

THERE´S FIVE MINUTES BETWEEN CLASSES.

A LOT CAN HAPPEN IN FIVE MINUTES.

MAX HAPPENED IN FIVE MINUTES!

FOUR.

LOOK, YOU KNEW GOING IN IT WAS GONNA BE A QUICKIE.

GEORGE, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO ABOUT CARMEN?

WELL, WE TRIED TALKING TO HER.

WE TRIED YELLING AT HER.

SHE THINKS SHE FOUND SOMEBODY SPECIAL.

I GUESS OUR JOB IS TO GUIDE HER THROUGH

ALL THE MYSTERIES OF YOUNG LOVE.

THIS IS GONORRHEA!

AND THESE...

ARE GENITAL WARTS.

OHHH!

NOT SO HAPPY YOU TALKED ME INTO THAT COLOR PRINTER NOW,

ARE YOU?

THE RED REALLY POPS.

WHAT ARE MOM AND DAD TALKING TO CARMEN ABOUT?

YOU REMEMBER COOTIES?

YEAH, YOU GET THEM FROM GIRLS.

WELL, THEY´RE TALKING TO CARMEN ABOUT SUPER COOTIES.

WHAT MAKES THEM SUPER?

HOW YOU GET ´EM.

LOOK, HERE COME TWO MORE. COME ON.

BACK TO WORK. BACK TO WORK, MAX.

HEY, CAN YOU GIVE ME THAT FRISBEE?

ME AND MY DAD ARE PLAYING CATCH.

SURE.

HEY, WHERE´S YOUR DAD?

HE DOESN´T LIVE WITH US ANYMORE.

MAX! MAX!

ARE YOU BOTHERING THESE NICE PEOPLE?

NO, HE´S NOT BOTHERING US. HE´S ADORABLE.

HI, I´M ERNIE.

AND THIS IS MAX,

OR AS I LIKE TO CALL HIM, THE LIGHT OF MY LIFE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

I´M CINDY, AND THIS IS MICHELLE.

HEY, IS IT OKAY IF THE KIDS PLAY FRISBEE?

SURE.

THANK YOU, FATHER, FOR DEVOTING YOUR LIFE TO ME.

SINGLE PARENT?

YEAH.

ME TOO. IT´S NOT EASY, IS IT?

TELL ME ABOUT IT --

ALL THOSE SLEEPLESS NIGHTS, ALL THOSE DIRTY DIAPERS.

MAX IS STILL IN DIAPERS?

I´M TAKING CARE OF HIS GRANDMOTHER, TOO.

HEY, LOOKS LIKE THE KIDS ARE HAVING FUN.

YOU KNOW, WE JUST MOVED INTO THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

I´M SURE THAT MICHELLE WOULD LOVE TO HAVE A PLAY DATE.

GREAT! GREAT, LET´S SET IT UP.

SO, WHAT SCHOOL DOES MAX GO TO?

UM, ROOSEVELT...KENNEDY... LUTHER KING ELEMENTARY MIDDLE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

WELL, WE´VE GOTTA GET GOING.

CALL ME.

COME ON, MICHELLE!

AM I GONNA HAVE TO GO ON A PLAY DATE, TOO?

ONLY ONCE.

THEN YOU GET TO GO LIVE WITH YOUR MOM

AND HER RICH NEW HUSBAND,

AND I TURN TO CINDY TO COMFORT ME.

I DIDN´T KNOW YOU HAD TO LIE SO MUCH TO BE WITH A WOMAN.

MAX, IF I TAUGHT YOU ONE THING TODAY, I´M PROUD.

LOOK, HERE COME TWO MORE. COME ON.

AND THIS ONE´S NAME IS CHLAMYDIA.

HER TURN-ONS ARE IGNORANCE AND HORNY TEENS.

HER TURNOFFS ARE ANTIBIOTICS.

I CAN´T LOOK AT THESE PICTURES ANYMORE.

I GET IT. I´LL NEVER HAVE SEX WITHOUT A CONDOM.

SEE, THAT´S NOT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT.

CONDOMS CAN BREAK,

AND THERE´S OTHER DISEASES YOU CAN GET, LIKE --

ANGIE, WHERE ARE MY GENITAL HERPES?

THEY SHOULD BE IN YOUR LAP.

NO, I JUST GOT CRABS HERE.

LOOK, WE WERE JUST KISSING. WILL YOU GUYS RELAX?

NO, I WON´T RELAX.

SOME OF THESE DISEASES CAN KILL YOU.

I´M NOT GONNA GET A DISEASE. I CAN CONTROL MYSELF.

YEAH -- CONTROL YOURSELF.

TRY THAT WITH A WINE COOLER IN YOUR BELLY

AND SMOKEY ROBINSON ON THE RADIO.

GRANDMA, YOU´RE NOT HELPING.

YOU´RE RIGHT.

WHAT DO I KNOW?

HANG ON, MOM.

TELL HER.

TELL HER WHAT?

TELL HER ABOUT BEING 17 AND PREGNANT.

TELL HER HOW I RUINED YOUR LIFE.

OH, YOU DIDN´T RUIN MY LIFE.

THIS IS NO TIME TO JOKE!

YOUR FATHER DIDN´T RUIN MY LIFE.

I RUINED MY LIFE.

LOOK, YOU FALL IN LOVE WITH A GUY,

AND YOU THINK IT´S GONNA LAST FOREVER.

SO YOU FORGET ABOUT WHAT´S RIGHT OR WRONG.

YOU GET CAUGHT UP IN THE MOMENT, AND YOU GO TO BED WITH HIM,

AND IT´S PRETTY GOOD!

MOM!!

I´M NOT GONNA LIE!

BUT THEN HE DOESN´T TURN OUT TO BE THE GUY YOU THINK HE IS.

THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW, HE DUMPS YOU,

AND WHILE YOUR FRIENDS ARE HANGING OUT HANGING FUN,

YOU´RE ALL ALONE RAISING A KID, WORKING TWO JOBS,

UP TO YOUR STRETCH MARKS IN DIRTY DIAPERS.

I GAVE UP ALL MY PRETTY YEARS...

FOR THIS.

YOU READY FOR THAT?

I´M NOT GONNA HAVE SEX. I KNOW I´M NOT READY.

AND YOU´RE NOT GONNA SEE ADAM.

WE DON´T WANT YOU TO BE ALONE WITH HIM.

ALL RIGHT. I WON´T BE ALONE WITH ADAM.

GOOD.

CAN I GO NOW?

I HAVE TO BABYSIT THE KOGEN TWINS TONIGHT.

YES, YOU CAN.

THANKS, MOM.

CAN I GO NOW?

I HAVE TO BABYSIT THE COORS LIGHT SEXTUPLETS.

THIS IS NOT OVER.

NOPE.

IT´S ONLY GONNA GET WORSE, RIGHT?

YEP.

THERE´LL BE MORE GUYS, MORE LIES.

OH, YEAH.

I THINK THEY HAD IT RIGHT A COUPLE HUNDRED YEARS AGO.

YOU GET MARRIED AT 14, AND BY 30, YOU´RE DEAD.

HEY, GUYS.

HEY, HONEY. HOW WAS THE PARK?

GOOD. I GOT ERNIE EIGHT PLAY DATES NEXT WEEK.

[ CHUCKLES ]

WHAT?!

THE KID IS A SINGLE-MOM MAGNET!

YOU CAN´T BE SERIOUS.

COME ON, YOU CAN´T LET ALL THAT CUTENESS GO TO WASTE!

MAX HAS GOT MAYBE TWO OR THREE ADORABLE YEARS LEFT

BEFORE HE STARTS LOOKING LIKE,

YOU KNOW, YOU.

GEORGE, WILL YOU TALK TO HIM?

I´M GONNA GO CHECK ON MAX.

YOU´VE BEEN USING MY SON SO YOU CAN SCORE

WITH STRANGE WOMEN YOU MEET IN THE PARK?

UH-HUH.

DUDE, THAT IS BRILLIANT.

[ LAUGHS ]

HEY, LITTLE GUY. IS YOUR DAD HOME?

YEAH, HE´S RIGHT THERE.

BUT I THOUGHT HE WAS YOUR DAD.

I HAVE TWO DADS.

OH.

WHEN YOU SAID YOU WERE A SINGLE DAD, I THOUGHT...

I´M SORRY.

I GUESS I MADE A MISTAKE WHEN I GAVE YOU MY CARD.

NO, NO. NO, NO, NO.

IT´S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

IT BETTER NOT BE WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.

I WAS OUT OF TOWN FOR ONE WEEK, AND THIS HAPPENS?

YOU BETTER PICK A TEAM, MISTER!

I´LL GIVE YOU TWO SOME PRIVACY.

NO, DON´T! WAIT!

WHY CHASE AFTER THAT WHEN YOU´VE GOT ALL THIS?