Original subtitles

Damn it, son-of-a-bitch cheese sauce won't open.

Damn cheese sauce, you son of a bitch.

I'll open it for you.

Beavis, you dumbass.

If a powerhouse like me can't open it,

there's no way a little wuss like you can.

That's just because I, like, loosened it for you.

Oh, oh, sorry.

There you go.

Uh, how'd you do that?

Do what?

How the hell did you open the jar?

Oh, it was nothing.

I've just been spanking my monkey for so many years,

this hand got, like, really strong.

No way.

So, like, bend this or something.

Whoa. Beavis, why didn't you ever do this before?

Eh, I don't know.

I thought everyone had one really strong hand, you know.

If everyone had one,

I would have opened my own cheese sauce, dumbass.

Oh, uh, sorry about that.

Didn't mean to use my strong hand.

Check it out, Butt-Head, a birthday cake.

Uh, so what?

I don't know--I'm just, um, kind of in the mood

for some birthday cake, you know,

because it's been exactly one year

since I had any birthday cake.

Yeah.

Well, I'll be damned.

Exactly one year.

Uh-huh.

I think my mom might be calling in a minute.

Uh, okay, Beavis.

Or maybe not. I don't know.

Sometimes she forgets.

The one time she called me it was just 'cause, um,

she needed some bail money or something.

Uh, this chick actually looks kind of like your mom.

Maybe it's just the mullet.

Oh, yeah, you know.

You know, Butt-Head, um, remember that time

when I, um--I remembered your birthday?

And I, um--

and I bought you a 40-ouncer,

and then I bought a couple for myself.

Oh, yeah.

You cared.

Ah, shut up, Butt-Head!

I just, um--yeah, I just wanted to have some beers.

Shut up.

Never mind, Butt-Head.

Oh, you know what this place looks like?

This looks like that place they took my mom

when they put her on a 48-hour hold

'cause she was, like, crazy.

And the carpet wasn't red like this,

but it had a lot of red splotches.

Yeah.

Uh, oh, yeah.

I think that's what this is supposed to be.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, except they let her keep her shoelaces, see that?

And there's fire.

They would never do that in real life.

And, you know, Butt-Head,

they do give them birthdays in there, you know?

They tell them it's their birthday every day

'cause it keeps them calm.

Anyway, um...

I sure could go for some birthday cake right now.

You know what I'm saying?

Or maybe just, um, a couple 40s.

I don't know.

It's my birthday, Butt-Head.

I don't care.

Oh, yeah.

Beavis, crush.

And that one.

Yeah.

Check out this stupid thing.

Oh, my God, what happened?

Um, it's because I masturbate a lot.

Yeah.

Hey, baby, check this out.

Beavis, crush for the pretty lady.

What the hell?

Check it out.

Damn it, Beavis, you scared her away.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, sorry about that.

Uh, if we can't use your power to score,

we need to make some money on it.

Yeah! Yeah, money!

Get that bag.

Money.

Uh, hey.

Hey!

So, like, I bet $100

that Beavis can crush a can of beer.

Big deal.

Anyone can crush a beer can.

Unopened?

Crush an unopened can of beer?

Bull.

Everybody get over here.

This guy says his buddy can crush a full can of beer.

Oh, we'll see about that.

Yes, he can, with his bare hand.

I bet $100.

I'll take that bet. Easy money.

Yeah, me too.

I got 100 on that. I want in on that.

This skinny guy? Ha!

I tell you what, pal-- if you can crush a beer can

with your bare hand, I'll give you $100,

and I'll have sex with you in the back room.

Whoa!

Put your cash right here on the bar.

Beavis is gonna crush a full can of beer.

Okay, Beavis, you know what you have to do.

Did you hear that, Butt-Head?

If I crush the can, that lady's gonna score with me.

She said it.

Just shut up and concentrate. We're gonna win some money.

This has never happened before. I just--

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

I-I just need to excuse myself for a moment.

Oh, boy. Uh...

Boi-oi-oi-ng. Ahh.

Has everybody placed their bets?

Then get ready to lose.

Hey, where's your friend?

Uh, I don't know.

Just a second.

Where have you been, Beavis? It's time to crush.

Butt-Head, I never had a woman say

she wanted to have sex with me before,

and so I got really excited, you see?

And--and I, um...

I spanked my monkey too hard.

God damn it, Beavis.

You got to go crush a can of beer.

I'm not happy about this either, Butt-Head!

You should see what my schlong looks like.

Jesus, it's a mess down there.

Damn it, Beavis,

I don't care how hard you spanked your dumbass monkey.

You're only good for one thing on this Earth,

and it's smushing stuff to make me money.

So quit feeling sorry for yourself and go do it.

Okay, okay. Don't worry, don't worry.

I can still smush the can, I think.

Just got to--got to put my mind to it.

No problem.

Okay, suckers.

You just made the dumbest bet any dumbass ever made.

I hope you don't like money, buttholes,

'cause all that's gonna be mine.

Enjoy being poor.

Uh, Beavis, crush.

Oh, oh, you mean now?

Yes, I mean now. Crush, dumbass.

Oh, boy, um...

Okay, okay.

Here goes.

Okay, h-hang on, hang on.

I just got to-- got to pick it up.

Almost got it.

No.

I'm squeezing as hard as I can.

I just can't feel my fingers that good.

A-am I crushing it?

Oops.

Uh, we don't have any money.

I guess just kick our ass. all: Yeah!

Unh!

♪ "Swipe Right with David Van Driessen" ♪

♪ All night with David Van Driessen ♪

♪ Hold tight, 'cause David Van Driessen's ♪

♪ Gonna make things out of sight ♪

"Swipe Right with David Van Driessen"--

the dating adventures

of Highland's most eligible vegan bachelor.

I just thought instead of a first date

at some boring old restaurant,

I should drive us out to McAllan Park,

where we can have a picnic out in nature.

This looks like a good spot

to lay out the old blanket.

And to eat, I made a vegan cake out of avocado.

I used a little mashed sweet potato

as a binding agent.

I think I dropped my sunglasses.

Hurry back, m'lady.

Mm-hmm.

Marilyn, why would your sunglasses be over there?

♪ "Swipe Right with David Van Driessen" tonight ♪