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I CAN'T HELP IT. I'M A ROMANTIC.

I'M IN LOVE WITH LOVE.

I LOVE THE IDEA OF BEING IN LOVE.

I BELIEVE IN LOVE LIKE A RELIGION.

A FAITH. A PERFECT LOVE THAT CONQUERS ALL.

TED WAS MY FIRST LOVE.

I MEAN, WE--WE HADN'T HAD SEX, BUT I KNEW HE'D BE THE ONE.

ESPECIALLY SINCE HE WAS WILLING TO WAIT.

COME ON. HONEY.

IT CAN HAPPEN TO ANYONE. IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!

I CONSIDER THAT CAR ACCIDENT A METAPHOR FOR MY LOVE LIFE.

AND AFTER THAT, I WENT ON AN ENDLESS

STREAM OF BAD DATES.

I'M A VEGETARIAN, BUT I STILL EAT PUSSY.

NEVER DATE YOUR COUSIN.

I LEARNED THAT ONE THE HARD WAY.

YOU HAVE BEAUTIFUL BREASTS. ARE THEY REAL?

MY THERAPIST SAYS I'M A GREAT CATCH.

SORRY, I COULDN'T FIND A PARKING SPACE.

WHY DIDN'T YOU VALET IT?

BECAUSE HE'S TOO CHEAP.

CLARK AND I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE.

WE'RE GETTING MARRIED.

WHAT?

WHY?

KATIE.

NOW MY PARENTS ARE GONNA GIVE ME EVEN MORE SHIT.

KATIE ALWAYS HAS TO RELATE

SOMEONE ELSE'S EXPERIENCE TO HERSELF.

MY OLDEST FRIEND IS GETTING MARRIED HERE.

THIS IS A BIG DEAL FOR ME.

OH, I THINK IT'S A BIG DEAL FOR ELIZABETH, TOO.

I NEED A DRINK. WHERE'S THE WAITRESS?

THE SERVICE ALWAYS SUCKS HERE.

KATIE, RELAX.

OH, JESUS, BEN, DIDN'T ANYONE EVER TELL YOU

TO SPEAK UP IN LIFE?

DIDN'T ANYONE EVER TELL YOU TO SHUT UP?

YOU TWO TALK LIKE A COUPLE OF PASSIONATE LOVERS.

WE KNOW EACH OTHER TOO WELL TO BE LOVERS.

WE'RE JUST FRIENDS.

YES, JUST FRIENDS.

I'M SORRY I REACTED LIKE THAT.

IT WAS PRETTY SELFISH.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

I'M HAPPY FOR YOU. I REALLY AM.

BUT I LOOK AT MY OWN LIFE,

AND IT'S, LIKE, WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?

IT'S A FUCKING ROMANTIC HOLOCAUST.

YOU JUST HAVE TO GET OUT THERE AND START LOOKING.

OH, I AM LOOKING.

IT'S JUST THAT EVERY GUY I GO OUT WITH

IS EITHER A TROLL, OR A PERVERT, OR A LIAR.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU AND BEN--

I'M JUST NOT ATTRACTED TO HIM.

WHY NOT? HE'S A GREAT GUY.

I DON'T KNOW. I'M JUST NOT.

YOU KNOW, 30 SECONDS, MAX,

SOMETHING DEEP INSIDE ME SAYS YES OR NO.

I'VE KNOWN BEN FOR 3 YEARS.

AND IT'S STILL NO.

YOU HAVE TO MAKE COMPROMISES.

YOU'RE LOOKING FOR AN IDEAL. IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

DID YOU COMPROMISE?

OF COURSE NOT.

BUT YOU'RE SAYING I SHOULD?

OH, KATIE, DON'T GET DEFENSIVE.

SEXUAL ATTRACTION ISN'T NEGOTIABLE.

YOU CAN'T TALK YOURSELF INTO IT.

OK. OK.

ALL I WANT IS A NICE JEWISH GUY

WITH A STRONG SENSE OF SELF,

A BIG PENIS, AND A BIG WALLET.

IS THAT SO UNREASONABLE?

TRY SETTLING FOR ONE OUT OF THREE.

GOD, ELIZABETH MAKES ME SICK.

THE PERFECT NOSE, THE PERFECT BOYFRIEND,

THE PERFECT BODY.

I HATE ELIZABETH.

WHAT ARE YOU THINKIN' ABOUT?

I ALWAYS THOUGHT SHE'D DO BETTER THAN THAT.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

HE'S A BORE.

I THINK HE'S GREAT.

FIGURES.

JEALOUSY, THY NAME IS WOMAN.

OH, PLEASE. BY THE TIME I GET MARRIED

THEY'LL BE GETTING A DIVORCE.

OK.

WELL, GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT.

WHAT?

I HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU.

WHAT?

A POEM.

OH, THAT'S SWEET. WELL, THANK YOU.

GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT.

GOODNIGHT.GOODNIGHT.

"WHEN SHE'S HAPPY

"WHEN SHE'S HAPPY HER HAIR BUCKS AND CRACKLES

"A CELLOPHANE SERPENT AT AN ALL-NIGHT PARTY

"IT EXCUSES ITSELF FROM PROPRIETY AND TAKES LEAVE OF GRAVITY

"AND IT WANTS THE BOUQUET, TWITCHES,

"WHIRLS, SPINS, GYROSCOPIC IN ITS AGILITY

"BALANCING POINT BY POINT ON HER HEAD

"LOPING DOWN TO HER EARS

"BASKING ON HER SHOULDERS SLIDING DOWN HER CHEST

"PARACHUTING TO HER WAIST

"IT IS A VELOUR SPAGHETTI WITH SUNSHINE MEATBALLS

AND MY EYES, THE FORK"

POOR BEN.

HE'S IN LOVE WITH ME FOR ALL THE RIGHT REASONS

AND I FEEL NOTHING FOR HIM.

WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH ME?

GOD DAMN IT!

DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?

IF YOU WANT TO COME AND JOIN US, JUST SAY SO.

I MEAN IT, JONES, IF I HAVE TO LISTEN

TO THIS TONIGHT, I'LL SLIT MY WRISTS.

I'M GONNA COME WITHOUT YOU.

GOTTA GO.

DAMN IT.

I CAME ALREADY, ANYWAY.

STOP. STOP. THERE'S SOMETHING MISSING.

WHAT?

YOU HAVEN'T BEEN IN LOVE FOR A WHILE, HAVE YOU?

IT COMES THROUGH.

YOU UNDERSTAND THE MUSIC INTELLECTUALLY,

BUT YOU DON'T FEEL IT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING LATER TONIGHT?

HOW LONG WILL THAT ONE LAST?

PROBABLY A WEEK. THANK GOD I HAVE BEN.

THAT'S THE GOOD THING ABOUT PLATONIC RELATIONSHIPS.

YOU NEVER BREAK UP.

I WANT TO BREAK UP WITH HER.

YEAH, WE'RE NOT EXACTLY A COUPLE, BUT, YOU KNOW,

WE DO EVERYTHING TOGETHER.

YOU KNOW, ON THE PHONE EVERY NIGHT.

WE GO TO THE MOVIES. IT'S LIKE A COURTSHIP.

AN EXTENDED, LIFELONG COURTSHIP

WITHOUT A FUCK AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL.

I MEAN, WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?

I'M INTELLIGENT, I'M--I'M UNDERSTANDING,

MODERATELY ATTRACTIVE.

WHY--WHY ISN'T SHE ATTRACTED TO ME?

MAYBE SHE'S THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM.

THAT'S RIGHT. I MEAN, LE-LET'S FACE IT,

SHE PROBABLY GETS TURNED ON BY A GUY WHO'D DEFECATE ON HER

THEN HANDCUFF HER TO THE BED AND BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF HER.

I'M TOO DECENT FOR HER.

DON'T WRITE THAT. I WAS MAD WHEN I SAID IT.

I DIDN'T.

AND SHE TRIES TO FIX ME UP WITH ALL HER LOSER GIRLFRIENDS.

I MEAN, THAT DRIVES ME CRAZY!

ARE YOU BEN? I'M MARGO.

I HOPE YOU HAVEN'T BEEN WAITING TOO LONG.

I COULD EAT A HORSE.

SO HOW DO YOU-- HOW DO-- HOW DO YOU KNOW KATIE?

AEROBICS.

IT'S LIKE SHE'S SAYING, "I'M TOO GOOD FOR YOU.

"BUT THIS--THIS IS WHAT YOU DESERVE,

THIS CONGLOMERATE."

I MEAN, DOES SHE REALLY FIND ME SO UNATTRACTIVE?

MAYBE YOU'RE BEING TOO SENSITIVE.

YES. YES, I AM SENSITIVE.

THAT'S THE PROBLEM WITH WOMEN TODAY.

THEY DON'T WANT SENSITIVE.

THEY'RE SO BUSY ASSERTING THEIR AUTHORITY ALL DAY

THAT WHEN THEY COME HOME AT NIGHT, THEY WANT TO BE DOMINATED.

YOU KNOW WHAT? THE HELL WITH HER.

LET'S SEE HOW FAST SHE FINDS ANOTHER SHMUCK

TO PUT UP WITH HER. HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?

HOW MUCH TIME DO WE HAVE?

BEN, BEN. OH, GOD, THANK GOD.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

OH, GOD, I FINALLY GOT AN AUDITION FOR A JINGLE.

I CAN'T EVEN SELL EGGS.

HEY, YOU WANNA GET A CUP OF COFFEE?

COME ON, PLEASE?

SURE.

YOU SEEM DISTRACTED.

I JUST DID THERAPY.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE IN THERAPY.

IT'S NO BIG DEAL, KATIE. MOST OVER-EDUCATED,

INTELLIGENT NEUROTICS ARE IN THERAPY.

NOT ME.

IT WOULD DO YOU A WORLD OF GOOD.

OH, PLEASE, PAYING SOMEONE TO CARE ABOUT ME

FOR AN HOUR? NO THANKS.

ARE--ARE--ARE YOU, LIKE, TRYING TO PISS ME OFF?

NO, I'M NOT TRYING TO PISS YOU OFF.

THAT'S HOW I FEEL ABOUT IT.

I MEAN, SHOULD I LIE?

YEAH.

BESIDES, I'D END UP FALLING IN LOVE WITH MY SHRINK.

THERE'S NOTHING SEXIER THAN SOMEONE

HAVING THE ANSWERS TO ALL YOUR PROBLEMS.

GO TO A WOMAN.

SHE'D REMIND ME OF MY MOTHER.

THEN DON'T GO.

DO WE HAVE TO HAVE THIS CONVERSATION?

ALL RIGHT. WHAT ARE YOU GETTING SO UPSET ABOUT?

SO--SO WHAT DO YOU TALK ABOUT?

WITH WHO?

YOUR SHRINK?

WHAT DO YOU TALK ABOUT?

ABOUT YOU.

IT'S HARD TO BE IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE

THAT THINKS OF YOU AS A FRIEND.

BEN, YOU'RE NOT IN LOVE WITH ME.

EXCUSE ME, WHO ARE YOU TO TELL ME WHO I'M IN LOVE WITH?

I DON'T DESERVE YOUR LOVE.

THERE WE GO. SEE, THAT'S HONESTY.

YOU DON'T WANT ME TO BE IN LOVE WITH YOU.

LET ME SET YOU UP WITH SOMEONE.

HER NAME'S JANET, WE TEMP TOGETHER.

COME ON, I TRY TO TELL YOU I LOVE YOU, AND YOU SET ME UP

WITH WINNERS OF THE ELEANOR ROOSEVELT LOOKALIKE CONTEST.

YOU MIGHT LIKE HER.

KATIE, I'VE GOT THE MOST BRILLIANT BUSINESS IDEA.

TWISTER BED SHEETS.

HUH, HUH? IMAGINE THE POSSIBILITIES.

JANET, YOU'RE A NUT.

HMM, HMM. SPEAKING OF NUTS,

BOY, I'D LOVE TO CRACK THOSE OPEN.

I NEED TO DICTATE A LETTER.

WHOO.

HAVE A SEAT.

I NEED THIS LETTER OUT TODAY.

DEAR MR. GERBER, REGARDING YOUR MAY 4 FAX,

I'VE DECIDED NOT TO INVEST IN THE GLOBAL STOCK FUND.

ON BEHALF OF THE COMPANY, I'VE DECIDED

THAT THE EUROPEAN AND ASIAN MARKETS

ARE JUST TOO UNSTABLE AT THIS TIME.

HOLD THAT SENTENCE. DAVID BARCLAY.

OH, HI, HONEY.

I'M SUCH A SLUT. I CAN'T BELIEVE I HAVE THESE THOUGHTS.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?

I'M 25 YEARS OLD. I SHOULD BE IN A REAL RELATIONSHIP,

NOT STUCK IN SOME PREPUBESCENT FANTASYLAND.

I'M DOOMED.

I LOVE YOU, TOO. BYE.

OK, SO WHERE WERE WE?

UH, GLOBAL MARKETS.

SCREW IT.

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF.

YOU'VE BEEN HERE WORKING FOR OVER A MONTH,

AND I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT YOU.

ACTUALLY, I'VE BEEN HERE 4 MONTHS.

OH.

SO. YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND?

OR IS THAT SEXUAL HARASSMENT TO ASK?

NO, IT'S NOT SEXUAL HARASSMENT.

AND NO, I DON'T HAVE A BOYFRIEND.

YOU'RE KIDDING.

I GUESS IT MUST BE HARD TO FIND SOMEONE YOUR OWN AGE.

IT'S HARD TO FIND SOMEONE, PERIOD.

ALL THE GOOD ONES ARE MARRIED.

I'M QUITTING.

OH, COME ON, KATIE, YOU ALWAYS RUN AWAY

FROM THE PROSPECT OF GOOD SEX.

JANET, FOR GOD'S SAKE, HE'S MARRIED.

YES, IT'S PERFECT.

THERE'S NO COMMITMENT, JUST THE THRILL.

I DON'T WANT THE THRILL.

IF I WANTED THE THRILL I'D GO SKYDIVING.

NO, I DON'T WANNA BE SOMEONE'S BIMBO SECRETARY.

OH, REALLY? WHAT DO YOU WANT?

YOU WANT TO BE THEIR WIFE?

YES.

NO, YOU DON'T.

YES, I DO.NO, YOU DON'T.

YOU THINK IT'S WHAT YOU SHOULD WANT.

BUT IT'S NOT WHAT YOU REALLY WANT.

SEE, YOUR MIND WANTS STABILITY.

YOUR BODY WANTS AN AFFAIR.

LIKE ALL WOMEN, YOU ARE TORN BY CONTRADICTION.

YOUR SUPEREGO AND YOUR ID ARE IN CONSTANT COMBAT

FIGHTING ON THE BATTLEGROUND OF YOUR PSYCHE.

WHERE THE HELL DID YOU READ THAT?

THE BIBLE.HUH?

COSMO,DARLING, WHERE ELSE? LET'S GO.

I JUST THINK YOU ARE AFRAID TO HAVE SEX.

WHAT?

YOU'RE 25, KATIE, AND MOST WOMEN START

HAVING SEX WHEN THEY'RE IN HIGH SCHOOL.

YOU MEAN MOST GIRLS,

WHEN THEY'RE PRESSURED INTO IT.

OK, WHATEVER.

LOOK, YOU DON'T HAVE TO QUIT, HONEY.

BARCLAY IS VICE PRESIDENT

AND HE'S NOT GONNA PUT HIS ENTIRE CAREER

IN JEOPARDY FOR A ROMP WITH SOME TEMP.

BUT IT'S NOT HIM I'M WORRIED ABOUT. IT'S ME.

SEE? SEE? BECAUSE COSMOWAS RIGHT.

YOU'RE TORN BY CONTRADICTION.

IT'S THE FEMALE CONDITION, DARLING.

OH, HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT? BY THE WAY, YOUR FRIEND CALLED ME.

WHO?

UM, I DON'T KNOW. THAT GUY BEN.

WE'RE HAVING DRINKS TONIGHT.

GREAT, HE'S A GREAT GUY.

OH, YEAH?

THEN WHY AREN'T YOU GOING OUT WITH HIM, HUH?

SEE YOU TOMORROW.

BYE.

THE THING THAT I'VE NEVER UNDERSTOOD ABOUT KATIE

IS HOW SHE CAN BE SO SELF-CONTROLLED.

ONE OF LIFE'S GREAT MYSTERIES.

I--I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE'S STILL A VIRGIN.

LOOK, NOT THAT IT'S ANY OF MY BUSINESS.

KATIE IS WHAT I CALL A HEART-PROTECTOR.MMM-HMM.

I SEE THE WORLD DIVIDED INTO 2 TYPES OF PEOPLE.

THE HEART-GIVERS AND THE HEART-PROTECTORS.

NOW KATIE WOULD RATHER

FEND OFF EXPERIENCES AND PLEASURE

IN ORDER TO AVOID EVER GETTING HURT.

WHAT SHE DOESN'T REALIZE IS SHE'S HURTING HERSELF THE ENTIRE TIME.

AND THAT'S THE IRONY.

IN--IN AN EFFORT TO--TO STAVE OFF PAIN,

SHE'S CREATED A PAIN DEEPER THAN SHE CAN EVER IMAGINE.

OH, THAT'S DEEP.

HUH?

YOU EVER THINK OF BECOMING A, YOU KNOW, SHRINK?

I PREFER THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COUCH, BUT THANK YOU.

ME, TOO. HONEY--HONEY, I WOULD DIE WITHOUT THERAPY.

THIS IS GOOD.

OK, ALL RIGHT, SO WHAT AM I?

I'M A HEART-GIVER OR A HEART-PROTECTOR, HUH?

DEFINITELY. HEART-GIVER.

SEE, I CAN-- I CAN TELL BY THE WAY

YOU--YOU HOLD YOUR GLASS.

YOU DON'T GRAB IT, YOU'RE NOT AFRAID

IT'S GONNA SLIP OUT OF YOUR HAND AND FALL.

KATIE, ON THE OTHER HAND, GRABS IT SO TIGHT

YOU THINK IT'S GONNA CRACK IN HER HAND.

WELL, I NEVER NOTICED THAT BEFORE.

WHY, YOU DEFINITELY HAVE AN AMAZING EYE FOR DETAIL.

OK, OK, OK, OK. OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD.

DON'T MOVE, DON'T MOVE, DON'T MOVE.

OK. WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

RIGHT THERE, RIGHT THERE.

OH, SHIT. OH, SHIT. OK.

OK, OK, OK, OK, THAT'S IT.

THAT'S IT, I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

SORRY, MY NAILS. I'M SORRY. OH, GOD.

WHOO-HOO!

OH, MY GOD!

WHOO!

BOY, YOU REALLY DO HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL.

WELL....

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. I HAVE BEEN WITH A LOT OF BOYS,

SO THAT'S ONE HELL OF A COMPLIMENT, OK?

MY TURN.

OH, YEAH.

NO...

NO, NO, NO, YOU...

ON A SCALE OF 1 TO 10, A 69.

OH, AND DOES HE KNOW HOW TO DUST THE CRACKS, LET ME TELL YOU.

DON'T TELL ME.

HE'S NOT ONE OF THOSE SHMUCKS WHO, YOU KNOW,

CLIMBS ON TOP OF YOU AND STARTS HUMPING.

WE'RE TALKING 8 HOURS OF FOREPLAY.

8 HOURS.

I THINK HIS TONGUE MIGHT EVEN BE JUST A LITTLE BIT LONGER.

JANET, PLEASE, I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THIS.

OH, WHY NOT? JEEZ, YOU SET US UP.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU SLEPT WITH HER.

HELLO, NICE TO SEE YOU, TOO.

YOU KNOW, THIS IS MY FRIEND WE'RE TALKING ABOUT,

NOT SOME HOOKER.

KATIE, RELAX.

DO YOU EVER HEAR OF CONSENTING ADULTS?

CONSENTING? CONSENTING?

WOMEN DON'T WILLINGLY FUCK ON FIRST DATES.

YOU MUST HAVE REALLY GIVEN HER A LINE.

OH, FIRST OF ALL, STOP INSULTING ME.

WHAT--WHAT IS THIS REALLY ABOUT?

WHAT?

WHY IS THIS ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS?

MY BUSINESS? IT'S MY BUSINESS BECAUSE YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND.

YEAH. THAT DOESN'T GIVE YOU CARTE BLANCHE TO MY SEX LIFE.

YOU OWE ME MORE THAN THAT.

NO, NO, NO, NO. I DON'T OWE YOU ANYTHING.

IN CASE YOU'VE FORGOTTEN, YOU SET US UP.

BESIDES, WE'RE JUST FRIENDS.

AS YOU SO OFTEN REPEAT TO ANYONE WHO'LL LISTEN.

WHY DO YOU CARE WHO I SLEEP WITH?

BECAUSE I CARE ABOUT YOU.

THIS IS NOT ABOUT ME, THIS IS ABOUT YOU.

YOU KNOW, YOU FINALLY SET ME UP WITH SOMEONE THAT I LIKE.

BUT NOW YOU DON'T LIKE THAT.

WHY DID YOU ALWAYS FIX ME UP WITH LOSERS?

DIDN'T YOU WANT ME TO BE HAPPY?

AND WHY HAVEN'T YOU BEEN WITH SOMEONE IN 4 YEARS?

BECAUSE I HAVEN'T FOUND ANYONE I CARE ABOUT.

PLEASE. YOU DON'T WANT TO FIND ANYBODY YOU'LL CARE ABOUT.

OF COURSE I WANT TO MEET SOMEONE.

BUT I'M NOT GONNA FORCE IT.

I'LL JUST END UP INVESTING MY TIME AND MY EMOTIONS

IN SOMETHING THAT WON'T PAY OFF.

LISTEN TO YOU, YOU SOUND LIKE A BANKER.

YOU ACT LIKE THERE'S SUPPOSED TO BE

SOME SORT OF GUARANTEE TO ALL THIS.

YOU WON'T MEET SOMEONE IF YOU DON'T GIVE ANYONE A CHANCE.

I GAVE IT A CHANCE. IT FAILED.

OH, PLEASE, IT WAS 4 YEARS AGO AND THE GUY WAS A PUTZ.

OH, HOW DO YOU KNOW? YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HIM.

LOOK, KATIE, YOU'RE PINING OVER SOME IDEAL MAN

THAT NEVER EVEN EXISTED.

IT'S TIME TO GET OUT THERE AND TRY AGAIN.

AND WHO SHOULD I TRY WITH? YOU?

YOU KNOW, YOU GOT A PROBLEM, KATIE.

NO, THE PROBLEM IS--IS THAT YOU WANT ME

AND I DON'T WANT YOU.

THIS ISN'T ABOUT ME.

YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S NEVER HAD SEX.

THAT WENT WELL.

OH, I'M GLAD I CAUGHT YOU. COME ON OUT.

LISTEN, UH, NEW YORK WANTS ME

TO PREPARE THOSE NEW FIGURES BY TOMORROW.

CAN YOU WORK LATE TONIGHT?

SURE.

OH, I OWE YOU ONE.

YOU'RE SAVING MY ASS HERE.

I DON'T KNOW HOW I'M GONNA THANK YOU.

TRY STICKING YOUR TONGUE BETWEEN MY LEGS.

DON'T GIVE ME TOO MUCH CREDIT, I GET OVERTIME.

YEAH, STILL, YOU MUST HAVE TONS OF OTHER THINGS

TO DO ON A FRIDAY NIGHT.

NOT REALLY.

OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT.

IT'S TRUE.

OH, COME ON, YOU'RE GORGEOUS.

GUYS MUST BE KNOCKING DOWN YOUR DOOR.

BIG, SWEATY GUYS NAMED MOE.

IF I WEREN'T MARRIED...

WHAT?

I'VE BEEN DREAMING OF THIS FOR WEEKS.

OH, THIS FEELS GOOD.

THAT LETHAL MIXTURE OF DRAKKAR AND SUPERIOR AUTHORITY.

OH, BABY.

GOD, I'M EASY, JUST PUT YOUR FINGER

ON THE RIGHT SPOT AND I'M BRAIN DEAD.

ENJOY YOURSELF.

YOU CAN ENJOY IT. THE MAN'S A VOLCANO

AND HE'S ABOUT TO ERUPT ALL OVER ME.

WAIT, HE'S MARRIED.

HE LOVES HIS WIFE. HE HAS A NEW BABY.

WHAT A FUCKING CREEP! I SHOULD JUST...

I QUIT.

WE'LL GIVE YOU WHATEVER YOU NEED.

MONEY'S NO PROBLEM.

THANKS, DAD.

MEANWHILE, GO LOOK FOR ANOTHER JOB.

YEAH, I WILL.

BUT I REALLY THINK I'LL GET ONE OF THESE NIGHTCLUB GIGS.

IN THE MEANTIME, IT'S GOOD TO HAVE SOMETHING

TO FALL BACK ON.

THANK GOD YOU HAVE GOOD COMPUTER SKILLS.

YEAH, THANK GOD.

HOW MANY PEOPLE ACTUALLY MAKE A LIVING AS A SINGER?

IT'S A FINE HOBBY.

DAD, PLEASE.

HOW DO YOU FOOL AROUND WITH A MARRIED MAN?

I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE I WANT WHAT I CAN'T HAVE.

THE FORBIDDEN IS EXCITING.

YOU NEED TO SEE SOMEONE.

OH, GOD, WHY CAN'T I OPEN UP ABOUT MY FEELINGS

WITHOUT BEING TOLD TO SEE A SHRINK?

IT'S NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF.

YOU'RE THE PERFECT CANDIDATE FOR THERAPY.

YOU'RE BRIGHT, YOU'RE CREATIVE.

IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THE FACT

THAT EVERYONE I KNOW IS IN THERAPY.

I DON'T SEE ANYONE GETTING HAPPIER.

THAT'S SO DEFEATIST.

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

NO, I DON'T.

YOU'RE A BUNCH OF SPOILED NARCISSISTS

HIDING UNDER THE GUISE OF LIBERATION.

MAYBE THAT'S WHY I CAN'T FIND THE RIGHT MAN.

I'M BEING PUNISHED FOR MY EXCESSIVE NARCISSISM.

YOU CREEP.

HOLY SHIT!

SHIT!

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

YEAH, I'M ALL RIGHT.

YOU HIT ME. I HOPE YOU HAVE INSURANCE.

NO.

WELL, THEN I--I GUESS

YOU'LL HAVE TO HAVE LUNCH WITH ME.

FOLLOW ME.

SO, DO YOU ALWAYS BUY LUNCH FOR PEOPLE

WHO CRASH INTO YOUR FERRARI?

UM, WELL, I SUPPOSE THAT DEPENDS ON

THE IMPACT OF THE CRASH.

WELL, THAT'S A PRETTY HOT CAR. WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?

I COMPOSE, ACTUALLY.

DO YOU ACTUALLY MAKE A LIVING AT IT?

I MANAGE.

MMM-HMM.

WELL, YOU'RE LUCKY.

MY LATEST.

"LOVERS FOR THE NIGHT."

YOU'RE RICHARD WEBBER?

OH, GOD.

HE DROPPED ALL THE CHARGES.

HE SAID HE'D TAKE CARE OF IT HIMSELF.

WHOO, SOUNDS LIKE HE WANTS

TO GET INTO YOUR LITTLE PANTIES.

JONES, HE'S FAMOUS.

I DON'T CARE IF HE'S THE DALAI LAMA.

NO GUY'S GONNA DROP CHARGES ON HIS BATTERED FERRARI

UNLESS HE WANTS TO FUCK THE PERPETRATOR.

HAS IT EVER OCCURRED TO YOU

THAT NOT ALL MEN THINK LIKE YOU?

NEVER.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH YOU?

WHY AREN'T YOU TALKING TO BEN?

YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND.

I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY YOU'RE MADLY IN LOVE WITH.

ONLY YOU DON'T KNOW IT, KATIE

BECAUSE YOU'VE GOT THIS FUCKED-UP IDEA OF WHAT LOVE IS.

NOW YOU'RE FREAKING OUT BECAUSE HE'S MOVED ON WITH HIS LIFE.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT LOVE?

THE LONGEST YOU'VE STAYED IN A RELATIONSHIP IS 6 ORGASMS.

WELL, AT LEAST I'M HAPPY.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU LOOKING AT?

I WAS THINKIN' ABOUT THOSE 6 ORGASMS.

SHE HAS MY NUMBER.

I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU.

YOU'RE A GODDAMN DEPRESSED MESS,

WITH ALL YOUR MORAL STANDARDS

AND IMPOSSIBLE IDEALS.

I DON'T NEED A LECTURE RIGHT NOW.

NO. NO, YOU NEED A GOOD LAY.

IN CASE YOU'VE FORGOTTEN

I DON'T ENJOY HAVING SEX

WITH SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T LOVE ME.

I VALUE MYSELF A LITTLE MORE THAN THAT.

OH! OH, YOU ARE SO SMUG.

YOU THINK I DON'T VALUE MYSELF BECAUSE I LIKE TO HAVE SEX?

NO, BECAUSE YOU LIKE TO HAVE SEX

WITH PEOPLE WHO DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU.

YOU KNOW, IT'S WOMEN LIKE YOU THAT KEEP FEMINISM BACK.

NO, IT'S WOMEN LIKE YOU THAT KEEP FEMINISM BACK

BY PLAYING THIS STUPID GAME

WHERE YOU THINK YOU CAN BE EQUAL TO MEN

BY PLAYING THEIR GAME.

BUT THE PROBLEM IS, THAT'S ALL IT IS. A GAME.

BY THE TIME YOU'VE WON,

YOU REALIZE YOU'VE ENTERED THE WRONG CONTEST.

BECAUSE YOU'VE LOWERED YOURSELF TO THEIR LEVEL

INSTEAD OF CREATING YOUR OWN LEVEL.

KATIE, YOU CAN STAY HERE IN YOUR LITTLE IVORY TOWER, OK.

BUT I'M NOT THE ONE GOING TO BED ALONE EVERY NIGHT

WHILE MY LIFE IS PASSING ME BY.

GOD.

SHE IS SO SELF-RIGHTEOUS.

WHAT HAPPENED?NOTHING. NOTHING.

JUST THE USUAL KATIE LECTURE

ON HOW'S SHE'S THE VESTAL VIRGIN

AND I'M A WORTHLESS SLUT WHO APPARENTLY DOESN'T LIKE HERSELF.

SHE SURE KNOWS HOW TO PUSH YOUR BUTTONS.

WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

NOTHING. WHY ARE YOU GETTING SO UPSET?

I'M NOT UPSET. I MEAN, DO I LOOK UPSET?

NO.

WORTHLESS SLUT.

DON'T TALK TO ME LIKE THAT.

IT'S NOT FLATTERING.

WELL, I THINK IT'S SEXY.

TURN AROUND. LET ME SEE IT FROM THE BACK.

MAKES YOUR ASS LOOK BIG.

MY ASS IS BIG.

YOU SAY THAT LIKE YOU'RE PROUD OF IT.

THIS IS MY BODY, MOM.

IT'S TAKEN ME 25 YEARS TO LIKE IT.

OH, IF YOU'D JUST LOSE 15 POUNDS

YOU COULD BE IN PLAYBOY.

WHY THE FUCK WOULD I WANNA BE IN PLAYBOY?

STOP IT, PEOPLE ARE LOOKING AT US.

I DON'T GIVE A SHIT.

I'M TALENTED. I'M SMART.

I'VE NEVER HAD AN ABORTION OR AN EATING DISORDER,

AND ALL YOU CAN SAY IS THAT I HAVE A BIG ASS.

HELLO? HI.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

PRACTICING.

WELL, WHEN ARE WE GONNA PRACTICE

GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER BETTER?

TO HAPPY ACCIDENTS.

THERE ARE NO ACCIDENTS, ONLY COSMIC CONVENIENCE.

RIGHT TO THE HEAD.

AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO DELICATELY SIP IT?

WELL, IT DEPENDS ON WHAT KIND OF PERSON YOU ARE.

I LIKE TO THINK OF DRINKING LIKE MAKING LOVE.

A MAN CAN REVEL IN THE TASTE OF ONE WOMAN,

SLOWLY EXPLORING EVERY MINUTE DETAIL.

HE CAN DRINK HER LIQUID OVER A LIFETIME

OR HE CAN SAMPLE MANY, QUICKLY.

BUT HIS SATISFACTION COMES IN THE VARIETY AND THE QUANTITY.

AND YOU'RE THE SECOND TYPE?

WOULD THAT UPSET YOU?

WHY WOULD IT UPSET ME? WE'RE JUST FRIENDS.

OH, KATIE, THE NIGHT IS STILL YOUNG.

YOU'RE SURE FULL OF YOURSELF.

I SIMPLY KNOW WHAT I WANT.

SOME PEOPLE THINK THAT'S ARROGANCE,

OR, AS YOU SAY, "BEING FULL OF YOURSELF."

BUT IT IS SIMPLY A MATTER OF ASSURANCE AND INSTINCT

OF WHICH I HAVE BOTH.

AND I KNOW I WANT TO MAKE LOVE TO YOU.

SO HOW MANY WOMEN ARE YOU TASTING NOW?

NONE. I HAVEN'T HAD MUCH OF AN APPETITE LATELY.

MAYBE YOU'VE OVEREATEN.

WELL, MAYBE I'M JUST EATING THE WRONG DISHES.

YES, WELL, THIS IS LOVELY.

OH, THANK YOU.

AND THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR DINNER.

AND, UM, YOU'RE WELCOME. WHAT ABOUT SATURDAY?

I--I HAVE AN AUDITION AT THE ATLAS ON SATURDAY.

ALL DAY?

LOOK, RICHARD, I DON'T THINK

THAT WE'RE RIGHT FOR EACH OTHER.

I'D LIKE TO BE THE MAIN COURSE ON A MAN'S PLATE,

AND IT LOOKS LIKE YOURS IS ALREADY FULL.

DON'T BE SO SURE.

SO, UH,

DID WE JUST MISS AN OPPORTUNITY TO GET LAID?

LET ME LET YOU IN ON A LITTLE SECRET, JONES.

WHEN YOU'RE A WOMAN,

THE OPPORTUNITY IS NEVER LOST.

OH, I JUST LOVE THOSE COMEBACKS, BABY.

SO, UH, YOU GONNA CRAWL UP

IN YOUR LITTLE BED AND MASTURBATE NOW?

OH, FUCK OFF.

THAT'S WHAT I'M ASKIN'.

IT'S ALL SEX TO YOU GUYS, ISN'T IT?

PRETTY MUCH, YEAH.

DON'T YOU EVER GET SICK OF IT?

DON'T YOU EVER WANT TO FIND SOMEONE

TO SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS WITH?

YOUR DREAMS? YOUR LIFE?

I HAVE YOU FOR THAT.

YEAH, BUT WOULDN'T IT BE NICE IF THAT PERSON WAS

YOUR LOVER AS WELL?

IT SEEMS LIKE YOU GUYS WANT TO SEPARATE

YOUR GOOD FRIENDS FROM YOUR SEX PARTNERS.

WHY?

BECAUSE

GOOD FRIENDS ARE HARD TO REPLACE.

GOOD SEX PARTNERS AREN'T.

I DON'T GET IT.

YOU WILL, MY CHILD. YOU'RE STILL VERY YOUNG.

SO, UH, DID YOU HAVE A GOOD TIME AT LEAST TONIGHT?

OH, GOD, I'M PAINFULLY ATTRACTED TO HIM.

BOTH PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY.

BUT HE'S A CAD.

HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?

BECAUSE HE MADE SOME REMARK ABOUT WOMEN BEING LIKE FOOD.

AND LET ME GUESS,

HE LIKES TO SAMPLE MANY DISHES.

YES.

SO, UH, WHEN ARE YOU GONNA SEE HIM AGAIN?

I WAS RIGHT.

YOU'RE VERY GOOD.

HOW OLD ARE YOU?

25. WHY?

WELL, YOU DON'T SEEM TO ENJOY LIFE LIKE YOU SHOULD AT 25.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

INSTEAD OF ENJOYING YOUR ATTRACTION TO ME,

YOU'RE NERVOUS.

YOU WON'T JUST GO WITH YOUR FEELINGS.

THAT'S A PRETTY CHEAP SHOT AT SEDUCTION.

IT'S THE TRUTH.

IF IT WORKS AS SEDUCTION, SO BE IT.

OH, GOD, YOU'RE ARROGANT.

BUT YOU LIKE THAT. YOU'RE DRAWN TO ME.

YES, AGAINST MY BETTER JUDGMENT.

I'M DRIVING TO SANTA BARBARA TONIGHT. I'D LIKE YOU TO COME.

NO, I CAN'T.

COME ON, IT'LL BE GOOD FOR YOU.

YOU'LL MEET PEOPLE YOU WOULDN'T NORMALLY MEET, BROADEN YOUR HORIZONS.

RISK A LITTLE.

I AM LEAVING IN 10 MINUTES.

WE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT YOU.

WE WERE WONDERING

WHEN YOUR NEXT MAGNUM OPUS WILL BE COMPLETED.

VERY SOON.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, "SOON"?

WHAT IS WAITING, MY BOY?

I CAN'T HELP THE...

GOD, THIS IS REALLY WEIRD.

WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?

THEY'RE WEIRD.

OH!

HE'S TROUBLE.

SO WHY AM I HERE?

SO KATIE, WHAT DO YOU DO?

SHE'S A SINGER-SONGWRITER.

OH, REALLY? WHERE DO YOU SING?

WELL, I HAVEN'T REALLY DONE MUCH.

AND I DON'T MAKE A LIVING AT IT.

I HOPE THIS WILL DO.

EVERYTHING ELSE IS FULL THIS WEEKEND.

SO WHAT IS THIS PLACE?

SOME SORT OF COMMUNE?

BOB YAGER IS A RESPECTED PSYCHOLOGIST

CUM ASTROLOGER, CUM SPIRITUAL ADVISOR.

HE REALLY IS QUITE A BRILLIANT GUY. BRILLIANT.

IF HE'S SO BRILLIANT, HOW COME HE'S PUTTING US IN THE SAME BED?

CAN'T HE TELL WE'RE NOT A COUPLE?

WELL, MAYBE HE'S JUST LOOKING INTO THE FUTURE.

OH!

SO WE'RE SHARING A BED TONIGHT?

MMM-HMM.

DON'T YOU TRUST YOURSELF?

WELL, IT'S NOT ME I'M WORRIED ABOUT.

YES, IT IS.

HE'S RIGHT. IT IS ME.

I CAN'T GET TO SLEEP TO SAVE MY LIFE.

I JUST WISH HE'D HOLD ME DOWN AND FUCK MY BRAINS OUT.

ARE YOU AWAKE?

YEAH.

GIVE ME YOUR HAND.

WHY?

RELAX, I'M NOT GOING TO BITE YOU.

GIVE IT TO ME.

HOW DOES THAT FEEL?

GOOD.

FEELS GOOD.

OH, GOD, MAYBE MY G-SPOT'S IN MY HAND.

I JUST WANT TO GRAB HIM AND THROW MYSELF ON HIM.

DON'T DO IT. HE'LL THINK YOU'RE A SLUT.

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?

NOTHING.

JUST GIVE IN, FOR ONCE.

LET YOURSELF ENJOY THE MOMENT.

YOU'RE A BIG GIRL, YOU CAN HANDLE IT.

GOOD NIGHT.

YOU IDIOT. YOU HARDLY KNOW HIM.

YOU'LL RUIN YOUR WHOLE LIFE IN ONE NIGHT.

WAIT. I CAN'T DO THIS.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

I'M SORRY.

IT'S OK.

IT'S OK.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU MADE LOVE?

THIS IS THE FIRST TIME.

OH, MY GOD.

OH, KATIE.

DON'T FEEL SORRY FOR ME.

NO, I DON'T.

I'M NOT REALLY SURE HOW TO FEEL.

YOU SHOULD BE FLATTERED.

I AM.

I'VE WAITED FOR IT TO BE PERFECT.

I LOVE YOU.

I'LL CALL YOU.

SOON.

SOON? WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?

OH, I SHOULD NEVER HAVE SAID "I LOVE YOU."

MEN HATE THAT. THEY--THEY SUFFOCATE.

I'M SUFFOCATING HIM.

CAN YOU SPARE SOME CHANGE?

I--I PROMISE I WON'T SPEND IT ON DRUGS.

THANK YOU.

DO YOU REMEMBER LOSING YOUR VIRGINITY?

WHAT?

IF YOU TELL ME ABOUT IT, I'LL GIVE YOU ANOTHER DOLLAR.

$5.

FINE.

I WAS, UH, 11.

11?

THAT'S DISGUSTING. YOU WERE STILL A CHILD.

WHO SAYS THERE'S A RIGHT AGE?

YOU'RE READY WHEN YOU WANT IT.

WHAT KIND OF WOMAN WOULD SLEEP WITH AN 11-YEAR-OLD BOY?

SHE LIVED UPSTAIRS.

DORIS DELANY.

I WAS A CUTE KID.

SHE WAS KIND OF RESTLESS.

SO HOW WAS IT?

IT WAS GREAT.

SHE TAUGHT ME EVERYTHING I KNOW.

UNBELIEVABLE. NOTHING'S SACRED ANYMORE.

HI.

HI.

HI, I'M BEN.

RICHARD WEBBER. HOW DO YOU DO?

SO HOW ARE YOU?

I'M GOOD.

GOOD.

AND HOW ARE THINGS WITH JANET?

GOOD.

GOOD.

BEN LOOKS TERRIFIC.

SEX MUST BE AGREEING WITH HIM.

GOD, I MISS HIM, I REALLY DO.

BUT FACE IT, YOU'RE NOT RIGHT FOR EACH OTHER.

WELL, IT WAS GOOD TO SEE YOU.

YOU, TOO.

WELL, NICE TO MEET YOU, RICHARD.

PLEASURE.

HERE YOU GO.

WHAT ARE YOU GIVING ME THESE FOR?

OH, HONEY, CAN'T WE USE YOUR PENIS TONIGHT?

IF WE MUST.

THANK YOU.

YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHO I SAW OUTSIDE OF CONDOMANIA TONIGHT.

WHO?

KATIE.

KATIE WHO?

KATIE, YOU KNOW.

WON'T-TALK-TO-US- BECAUSE-WE-LIKE-EACH-OTHER KATIE.

KATIE? OUTSIDE OF CONDOMANIA?

UH-HUH. IT GETS BETTER. GUESS WHO SHE WAS WITH?

WHO?

A GUY.

STOP. A REAL GUY?

A REAL PRETENTIOUS GUY.

HELLO, I'M RICHARD WEBBER, AND I COULDN'T POSSIBLY BE MORE OF A PRICK.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WHAT WAS HIS NAME?

RICHARD WEBBER.

BRITISH GUY?

KIND OF, YEAH.

HONEY, RICHARD WEBBER.

HE'S LIKE THIS TOTALLY FAMOUS COMPOSER GUY.

REALLY?

YEAH.

I NEVER HEARD OF HIM.

WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE TOTALLY UNCULTURED, BEN.

THANK YOU, DEAR. YOU NEED HELP WITH THAT?

SURE.

SORRY.

THANK YOU.

HONEY, RICHARD WEBBER IS THIS ECCENTRIC, ECLECTIC, COMPOSER-PIANIST.

YEAH, WOMEN LOVE HIM.

REALLY?

LOVE HIM.

COULD I HAVE LESS HAIR?

MY GOD, YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

I BET SHE DID IT. YOU KNOW.

SHE DIDN'T TELL ME. I'M GOING TO KILL HER.

CAN I HELP?

GOD, I GIVE HER EVERY DETAIL ABOUT MY SEX LIFE.

YOU DO?

I SAW BEN THE OTHER DAY

COMING OUT OF CONDOMANIA. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

WELL, I'M GLAD HE'S FINALLY IN A RELATIONSHIP.

DOESN'T MEAN HE'S IN THE RIGHT RELATIONSHIP.

WELL, ANYTHING IS BETTER THAN WHAT HE HAD WITH YOU.

EXCUSE ME?

REALLY, WAS IT FAIR TO HAVE HIM PLAY PROXY

KNOWING HE'D NEVER BE THE MAN?

AM I SUPPOSED TO FEEL GUILTY FOR NOT HAVING SEX WITH HIM?

THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M SAYING.

WELL, THEN WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

FACE IT, BEN WAS A STAND-IN BOYFRIEND.

MORE ATTENTIVE THAN A FRIEND, LESS DEMANDING THAN A LOVER.

FUN FOR YOU, BUT FAIR TO HIM? I THINK NOT.

HE'S A BIG BOY, HE CAN TAKE CARE OF HIMSELF.

IN THE MATTERS OF LOVE, MEN ARE LITTLE BOYS.

LITTLE, LITTLE, LITTLE.

AND EVERY GUY HAS SOME STORY ABOUT A RELUCTANT DATE WON OVER,

OR A FRIEND TURNED INTO LOVER.

AND FACE IT, YOU'RE NEVER SEEING ANYONE.

SO WHAT'S THERE TO DASH HIS HOPES?

WELL, I'M SEEING SOMEONE NOW.

REALLY? SINCE WHEN?

A FEW WEEKS. YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO BELIEVE WHO IT IS.

WHO?

RICHARD WEBBER.

ISN'T HE YOUR FATHER'S AGE?

NO, HE'S 47.

KATIE, THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

YOU SLEPT WITH HIM, DIDN'T YOU?

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

YOU WAIT UNTIL YOU'RE 25

AND GIVE IT UP TO SOME GUY IN A MIDST OF A MIDLIFE CRISIS?

GOD DAMN IT, ELIZABETH, WHY CAN'T YOU EVER BE HAPPY FOR ME?

I'M JUST BEING HONEST, AS YOUR FRIEND.

OH, YOU'RE NOT MY FRIEND.

YOU'RE AN UNSUPPORTIVE BITCH

WHO NEGATES AND CRITICIZES EVERYTHING THAT'S IMPORTANT TO ME.

SHH.

DON'T SHUSH ME!

THIS IS THE FIRST GUY I HAVE EVER SLEPT WITH.

AND HOW DARE YOU TELL ME HE'S IN IT FOR THE SEX?

AND EVEN IF YOU THINK HE IS,

YOU SHOULD HAVE THE FUCKING TACT TO KEEP IT TO YOURSELF.

I'M NOT GONNA LIE TO YOU JUST TO PROTECT YOUR FEELINGS.

KATIE, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

YEAH.

HEY, SUGAR,

IT'S LOU CANDELA AT THE ATLAS BAR AND GRILL.

I GOT SOME GREAT NEWS. YOU'RE IN.

YOU START TOMORROW, SWEETHEART.

I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE SOMEONE FINALLY GAVE ME A CHANCE.

HELL, I AUDITIONED FOR OVER 30 CLUBS THIS YEAR.

I HAD COMPLETELY GIVEN UP.

IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF YOU.

YOU MAKE ME LUCKY.

CHEERS.

THAT WOMAN IS STARING AT YOU.

SHE IS MY EX-WIFE.

WELL, I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE MARRIED.

8 YEARS.

8 YEARS IN THE INFERNO.

HELLO, RICHARD.

HELLO, DEIRDRE.

AND YOU ARE?

KATIE.

WELL.

HAVE FUN.

WHY DID YOU MARRY HER?

WELL, I--I WAS TOO YOUNG TO KNOW ANY BETTER.

I--I WANTED A LITTLE SECURITY.

IT SEEMED LIKE THE THING TO DO.

YOU'VE BEEN WITH A LOT OF WOMEN, HAVEN'T YOU?

WELL, THAT WOULD DEPEND

ON WHAT YOU WOULD CONSIDER A LOT, I THINK.

HOW MANY?

I DON'T KNOW.

50.

YOU'VE BEEN WITH 50 WOMEN?

I DON'T KNOW. I NEVER KEPT A RECORD.

HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW HOW MANY WOMEN YOU'VE SLEPT WITH?

JESUS, KATIE.

I WANT TO KNOW.

WE JUST MADE LOVE.

WHY--WHY SHOULD I BE AFRAID TO ASK YOU A PERSONAL QUESTION?

WHAT'S WRONG?

WE WERE HAVING A GOOD TIME. WHY DID YOU HAVE TO RUIN IT?

OH, YOU ARE SO NEEDY.

WHAT?

ALL I DID WAS ASK ABOUT YOUR PARENTS' DIVORCE.

JANET, I WANT TO KNOW YOU.

BEN, WHY DO I HAVE TO OPEN UP TO YOU EVERY TIME WE FUCK?

ISN'T THAT WHAT SEX IS, OPENING UP?

BEN, WE'RE EXCHANGING BODILY FLUIDS, OK? NOT ORGANS, FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

WE DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO TALK ABOUT, DO WE?

WELL, IF WE DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY TO EACH OTHER

THEN WE DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY TO EACH OTHER.

WELL, IF WE HAVE NOTHING TO SAY TO EACH OTHER, WE SHOULDN'T BE TOGETHER.

GOD, BEN, I CAME, YOU CAME. IF THAT'S NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU

THEN, YEAH, YOU KNOW, MAYBE WE SHOULDN'T BE TOGETHER.

HEY, UH, YOU WERE SWELL UP THERE TONIGHT.

OH, THANK YOU.

HEY, LOOK, DO YOU WANT TO HAVE A DRINK OR SOMETHIN'?

OH, SORRY, NOT TONIGHT, MY PARENTS ARE HERE.

OH.

MAYBE SOME OTHER TIME.

SURE.

HI.

YOU WEREN'T BAD.

WELL, THANK YOU FOR THE GLOWING REVIEW, DADDY.

YOU KNOW YOUR FATHER, HANDING OUT A COMPLIMENT GIVES HIM GOUT.

YOU WERE WONDERFUL.

THANKS, MOM.

AND YOU LOOK SO BEAUTIFUL. HAVE YOU LOST WEIGHT?

NO,

I'M IN LOVE.

HIS NAME IS RICHARD.

OH. WHAT'S HIS LAST NAME?

NO, MOM, HE'S NOT JEWISH.

OH.

WHEN ARE WE GONNA MEET HIM?

SOON.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM?

WELL, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

YOU HAVEN'T INTRODUCED HIM TO US YET, SOMETHING MUST BE WRONG.

HOW OLD IS HE?

OH, WELL, HE'S A LITTLE BIT OLDER THAN ME.

IS HE CLOSER TO YOUR AGE OR TO MINE?

MY PARENTS CAN'T WAIT TO MEET YOU.

OOH, SUCH PRESSURE.

MMM.

COME INSIDE, I HAVE A LITTLE SURPRISE FOR YOU.

OOH.

CLOSE YOUR EYES. CLOSE THEM. NOW. OK.

HERE WE ARE.

UH-HUH.

RIGHT.

RIGHT.

EYES CLOSED.

VOILA.

OPEN.

HERE WE GO.

OH, HONEY.

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?

JUST GIVE IT A SECOND, IT GETS BETTER.

OH!

GOD, TURN IT OFF.

KATIE? WAIT, KATIE.

I THOUGHT YOU WOULD...

GOD!

YOU DIDN'T...

WELL, I--I...

IT WAS WORKING FOR ME.

YOU DIDN'T GET EXCITED? A LITTLE?

YOU EXCITE ME.

THAT--THAT JUST-- THAT JUST MAKES ME SICK.

I DON'T NEED THAT. WE DON'T NEED THAT.

OK. COME ON. NOW OPEN UP A LITTLE BIT.

SEX IS STILL BRAND NEW TO YOU.

YOU DON'T KNOW A DAMN THING ABOUT IT.

IT DOESN'T ALWAYS HAVE TO BE SOME TRANSCENDENT EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCE.

SOMETIMES, YOU KNOW, IT CAN JUST BE,

YOU KNOW, SEX.

I DON'T LIKE PORNOGRAPHY.

BUT HOW DO YOU KNOW?

DID DADDY EVER WANT TO DO THINGS

THAT MADE YOU FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE?

I MEAN SEXUAL THINGS.

NO.

OH, JESUS, I AM THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW

WHOSE PARENTS HAVE A PERFECT MARRIAGE,

AND I'M MORE SCREWED UP THAN ANYONE.

YOU'RE NOT SCREWED UP.

IT'S YOUR GENERATION THAT'S SO CRAZY.

YEAH, BUT DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? I'M A PART OF THAT CRAZINESS.

IF I CAN'T EXIST WITHIN IT BY PLAYING ITS RULES,

I'M THE SCREWUP.

YOU SET SUCH A PERFECT EXAMPLE OF WHAT A MARRIAGE SHOULD BE,

THAT EVERY RELATIONSHIP I'M IN CAN'T MATCH UP.

SORRY, IF WE WOULD'VE KNOWN, WE WOULD'VE GOTTEN DIVORCED.

NOW, THAT WOULD LOOK FLATTERING ON YOU.

RICHARD.

I'M SORRY.

LOOK, IT WAS MY FAULT.

I REALLY SHOULD HAVE WARNED YOU, I'M SORRY.

NO, IT WAS MY FAULT,

I'M--I'M STILL SO NEW AT THIS.

OH, MY.

GOD, I CANNOT BELIEVE IT.

WHAT? WHAT--WHAT DID I DO NOW?

HERE WE GO AGAIN, BEN.

WHAT?

DON'T, I WANT TO FINISH THIS CONVERSATION.

I'M NOT GOING TO TALK ABOUT IT WHILE YOU ARE IN THE SHOWER.

OW! GOD!

LOOK AT ME. LOOK AT ME.

LOOK, I DON'T KNOW WHAT I SAID.

BUT WHATEVER IT IS, I'M SORRY.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU SAID, BEN?

NO, I REALLY DON'T.

WE WERE IN THE SHOWER, WE'RE MAKING LOVE.

I FEEL, YOU KNOW, CONNECTED.

THEN YOU TELL ME YOU AND KATIE USE THE SAME CREAM RINSE.

I DON'T CARE, BEN.

IT'S WEIRD, AND IT MAKES ME FEEL TOTALLY SHITTY. OK.

I'M--I'M SORRY. I'M A--

I'M A LITTLE CONFUSED HERE.

ALL OF A SUDDEN WE WERE MAKING LOVE, AND YOU ARE CONNECTED?

I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T WANT THAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP.

I DIDN'T KNOW WE WERE AT THAT LEVEL.

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT, BEN? WE'RE NOT. OK.

HEY, WHERE ARE YOU GOIN'?

OH, TO BED. I'M BEAT.

DO YOU WANT SOME COMPANY?

COME HERE.

HEY. LET ME GO!

BITCH! YOU'RE FIRED.

I QUIT.

OH, YEAH? YOU KNOW, I NEVER WANTED TO HIRE YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE.

YOUR BOYFRIEND, HE PAID ME TO.

WHAT?

YEAH, YOU KNOW, THE GUY THAT YOU'RE FUCKING. HE DID YOU A BIG FAVOR.

WHAT?

YEAH.

YOU MUST REALLY KNOW HOW TO GIVE HEAD.

WHY DON'T YOU SHOW ME YOUR TECHNIQUE?

WHAT'S WRONG?

YOU PAID THAT CREEP TO HIRE ME?

ALL RIGHT, CALM DOWN, KATIE.

ANSWER ME.

I--I WANTED TO GIVE YOU A BREAK.

I DON'T NEED YOU TO GIVE ME A BREAK.

KATIE, LOOK. WHAT'S DONE IS DONE.

I THINK YOU ARE EXTREMELY TALENTED.

I WANTED VERY MUCH TO DO YOU A FAVOR,

AND I'M SORRY IF YOU CAN'T SEE IT LIKE THAT.

OH, GOD, I FEEL SO CHEAP.

WELL, YOU SEE, THAT'S YOUR OWN PROBLEM.

YOU'RE INSECURE.

IT'S HARD TO BE ANYTHING ELSE WHEN YOU'RE A GENIUS AND I'M A FAILURE.

I AM ANYTHING BUT A GENIUS.

EVERYTHING I HAVE WRITTEN IS A VARIATION ON THE SAME BORING FUCKING THEME.

WELL, BUT EVERYONE SAYS I'M GREAT.

WELL, THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS, RIGHT?

BESIDES,

IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE A FAILURE AT 25.

ARE ALL JEWISH WOMEN

THIS FUCKED UP?

GUILT, PRESSURE AND BIG ASSES ARE OUR BIRTHRIGHTS.

I'M GONNA GO.

CALL YOU IN A FEW DAYS?

WOMEN. YOU CAN NEVER GET IT RIGHT WITH THEM, YOU KNOW?

WHATEVER I DO, THEY OVERANALYZE IT,

THEY--THEY TAKE EVERYTHING AS A DIRECT INSULT TO THEM.

YOU KNOW, HEY, I'M TIRED, I'M UPSET, I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

SHE THINKS SHE DID SOMETHING WRONG. YOU KNOW?

OH, I TELL YOU THE GAMES.

WOMEN GET EVERYTHING THEY WANT THROUGH MANIPULATION.

YOU SEEM PARTICULARLY DOWN ON WOMEN TODAY.

I GENERALLY LIKE WOMEN.

BUT ONCE YOU HAVE SEX WITH THEM, THEY--THEY BECOME MONSTERS.

THEY--THEY-- THEY DON'T WANT YOU ENOUGH. THEY WANT YOU TOO MUCH.

MAYBE I'M JUST WITH THE WRONG WOMAN.

ARE YOU STILL IN LOVE WITH KATIE?

COULD--COULD YOU-- COULD YOU NOT GO THERE?

LET'S NOT TALK ABOUT KATIE, YOU KNOW IT'S BAD FOR MY ULCER.

HI, IT'S ME, I'M SORRY ABOUT THE OTHER DAY.

I'D LIKE TO THINK I AM MORE MATURE NOW.

WOULDN'T WE ALL?

LOOK, I'M GOING TO MY WOMEN'S GATHERING TONIGHT.

IF YOU'RE NOT BUSY...

WELL, THAT'S KIND OF LIKE THERAPY, ISN'T IT?

YEAH, I DON'T THINK SO.

I HAVE HAD A LOT OF SEX,

BUT I HAVEN'T BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP IN A REALLY LONG TIME.

AND NOW I'M LIVING WITH THIS WONDERFUL GUY AND I AM PETRIFIED.

I KEEP WAITING FOR THE AXE TO DROP, TO BE DISAPPOINTED.

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT THE PROBLEM IS?

THERE'RE SO MANY ASSHOLES OUT THERE,

THAT WHEN A GOOD ONE FINALLY COMES ALONG, WE DON'T GIVE HIM A CHANCE.

I'M NOT IN A HURRY.

PRINCE CHARMING MAY NOT EVEN EXIST.

MAYBE HE'S TRAPPED UNDER A HEAVY OBJECT, WAITING FOR ME TO SAVE HIM.

DOESN'T MEAN I'M NOT GONNA HAVE SEX WHILE I'M WAITING.

I LOVE SEX,

BUT IF THE GUY DOESN'T LOVE ME

I FEEL LIKE SHIT THE NEXT DAY.

OH, THE NEXT DAY, TRY THE NEXT 2 MONTHS.

STILL.

WHY DO YOU GUYS FEEL GUILTY?

25 YEARS AGO, SEX WAS SOMETHING YOU GAVE A MAN

TO GUARANTEE THAT HE'D TAKE CARE OF YOU,

GIVE YOU LEGITIMACY AND ALL THAT CRAP.

NOW WE CAN ENJOY IT, TOO.

I FEEL LIKE I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF A HENRY JAGLOM MOVIE.

I'M NOT LIKE THESE GIRLS.

HOW CAN I EVEN PARTICIPATE IN THE CONVERSATION

WHEN I'VE ONLY HAD SEX WITH ONE PERSON?

THEY'D THINK I WAS CATHOLIC.

ELIZABETH HAS IT PERFECT.

SHE FOUND CLARK,

THE MOST WONDERFUL GUY IN THE WORLD.

MMM. THAT'S FOR SURE.

I MISS RICHARD.

KATIE!

KATIE!

GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME.

YOU DIDN'T CALL ME ALL WEEK. WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO THINK?

ONE WEEK.

ONE WEEK YOU COULDN'T KEEP YOUR DICK IN YOUR PANTS?

YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT IS TO BE A MAN, DO YOU?

KATIE. KATIE, IT'S JUST SEX.

YOU HAVE TO GET OVER THESE ILLUSIONS.

NO MAN WILL EVER BE FAITHFUL TO YOU COMPLETELY, FOREVER.

IT'S NOT IN OUR NATURE.

WELL, YOUR NATURE SUCKS.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?

WHAT DID I DO WRONG? YOU KNOW, AM I BAD IN BED?

OH, NO, KATIE, DARLING. YOU'RE PERFECT.

YOU'RE A... YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY PERFECT. YOU'RE A GOURMET MEAL.

I JUST CAN'T EAT GOURMET FOOD EVERY NIGHT.

SOMETIMES I--I HAVE TO EAT

FAST FOOD.

WOMEN ARE NOT FOOD.

YOU CAN'T CONSUME US AND THEN SHIT US OUT WHEN YOU'RE FULL.

GIVE ME THE DOOR.

KATIE!

KATIE, OPEN UP.

I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE. I CAN HEAR YOU CRYING THROUGH THE WALL.

IF YOU DON'T OPEN THE DOOR, I'M GOING TO HAVE AN OBSCENE ORGY

AND FORCE YOU TO LISTEN!

YOU LOOK LIKE SHIT.

HE CHEATED ON ME.

SO WHAT HAPPENED?

I SAW HIM.

I WENT OVER THERE TO MAKE UP,

AND I SAW HIM.

I'M SORRY, BABY.

"WELL, IT REALLY DOESN'T MATTER, BECAUSE IT'S JUST SEX."

AND THAT REMINDS ME OF A LENNY BRUCE JOKE I HEARD.

THIS GUY WAS STRANDED ON A DESERT ISLAND FOR A YEAR AND A HALF.

SO NATURALLY HE STARTED TO GET HORNY.

SO HE DUG A HOLE IN THE MUD AND BEGAN FUCKING THE MUD.

SO HIS WIFE, ONE DAY,

AFTER YEARS OF LOOKING FOR HIM FINALLY FINDS HIM

AND CATCHES HIM FUCKING THE MUD.

AND SHE SAYS TO HIM, "YOU CHEATED ON ME."

OH, UH, I TOLD IT WRONG.

NO, NO, I GET IT.

YOU ARE NOT GONNA UNDERSTAND THIS,

BUT WHY ELSE WOULD A GUY WAKE UP IN THE MORNING WITH AN ERECTION

AND NOT KNOW WHY?

I MEAN, THE WIND COULD BLOW AND...

BEEP!

I MEAN, THERE IS NO REASON FOR IT.

THERE'S NO INTIMACY, NO NOTHING.

THE BODY JUST GOES...

BEEP!

WELL, THAT IS WHAT MAKES US DIFFERENT FROM ANIMALS.

WE CAN CONTROL OURSELVES.

WE ARE ANIMALS.

AND YOU BETTER START ACCEPTING THAT,

OR ELSE YOU ARE GONNA BE BOTH HORNY AND ALONE.

ONE SECOND!

HI.

HI.

CAN I COME IN?

LOOK--

I WANT TO APOLOGIZE.

I HAD NO RIGHT TO JUDGE YOU.

I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE I WISH I WERE MORE LIKE YOU.

BUT I'M NOT,

SO I RESENT YOU FOR IT.

LOOK, I'M SORRY.

ALL RIGHT. I'M OVER IT.

SO HOW'S BEN?

WE BROKE UP.

WHAT HAPPENED?

BOREDOM. THE INEVITABLE END TO ALL RELATIONSHIPS.

I'M SORRY.

WELL, PLEASE, MY LOVE LIFE IS LIKE A REVOLVING DOOR.

YOU KNOW, THEY COME, LITERALLY, AND THEN THEY GO.

WHATEVER.

THERE'S ALWAYS ANOTHER ONE TO TAKE HIS PLACE.

YOU SOUND LIKE YOU'RE RESIGNED TO IT OR SOMETHING.

I AM.

ANYWAY, SO, WHAT'S UP WITH YOUR GUY, HUH?

WHAT'S--WHAT'S HAPPENING?

IT DIDN'T WORK OUT.

PAR FOR THE COURSE.

OK. THAT'S IT.

WE'RE GOING OUT, AND WE'RE GOING TO FORGET ABOUT THEM.

OH, GOD, WHERE?

CLUB SIN.

OH, CHRIST.

JANET, PLEASE. YOU KNOW I HATE THAT SCENE.

HONEY, THIS PLACE

HAS THE HOTTEST SPECIMENS OF MALE FLESH AND MUSHINESS.

JANET, I'M NOT BUILT LIKE YOU.

COME ON, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

YOU HAVE A GREAT BODY. YOU WEAR WHAT, A 7-AND-A-HALF SHOE?

ON THE INSIDE.

I'M NOT BUILT LIKE YOU ON THE INSIDE.

I CAN'T JUST GO OUT AND PICK UP STRANGE MEN AND HAVE SEX WITH THEM.

OH, MY GOD. YOU KNOW, YOU'VE GOT IT ALL FIGURED OUT, DON'T YOU?

YOU THINK IT'S SO SIMPLE. YOU GO OUT, YOU FIND THE RIGHT GUYS,

THE GREATEST FUCKING FEMALE MYTH EVER PROPAGATED,

AND THEN YOU SETTLE DOWN INTO A LIFE OF PERFECTION.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I THINK ANYMORE.

YEAH, WELL, SEX DOES THAT TO WOMEN.

I CAN'T DO THIS.

WHAT?

I'M GOIN' HOME!

SHUT UP! COME ON, DANCE.

JANET, PLEASE.

MEN LOVE THIS SHIT, HONEY!

OH, I SEE ONE, I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

LOOK AT THAT,

SHE'S SO COMFORTABLE WITH HERSELF, HER SEXUALITY.

I COULD NEVER BE LIKE THAT, LETTING MYSELF GO WITH A COMPLETE STRANGER.

HE COULD BE A COMPLETE PSYCHO OR A RAPIST.

YOU WANT TO DANCE?

THIS IS RIDICULOUS. I DON'T BELIEVE IN THIS.

WHY AM I TRYING TO DO SOMETHING I DON'T BELIEVE IN?

MAYBE I DO BELIEVE IN IT, WHAT THE HELL DO I BELIEVE IN ANYWAY?

WELL, MAYBE JANET'S RIGHT, I CAN HAVE A FEW ORGASMS AND NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT.

IT--IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE LOVE.

I FEEL NOTHING. I COULDN'T ORGASM RIGHT NOW IF YOU PUT A GUN TO MY HEAD.

WHO AM I KIDDING?

I'M TURNED ON, LET'S JUST FACE IT.

YOU DON'T WANT TO GET INTO IT.

THAT WOULD BE ADMITTING THAT EVERYONE ELSE IS RIGHT AND I'M WRONG.

OH, GOD, I'M WRONG.

EXCUSE ME.

HUH?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WELL, YOU DON'T LIKE THIS?

OF COURSE I LIKE IT, THAT'S NOT THE POINT.

HOW CAN YOU STICK YOUR TONGUE BETWEEN MY LEGS

WHEN YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW MY NAME?

DIDN'T YOUR MOTHER EVER TEACH YOU, YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT?

I COULD BE A PSYCHOTIC LOVE ADDICT,

WITH CASTRATION FANTASIES.

DO YOU ACTUALLY FEEL ANYTHING FOR ME?

OH, YEAH.

DO YOU FEEL ANYTHING AT ALL?

YOU KNOW, IF I TOLD YOU I HAD A TERMINAL DISEASE, WOULD YOU EVEN GIVE A SHIT?

SHIT.

YOU'RE WEIRD.

KATIE.

I'M SORRY, I KNOW IT'S REALLY LATE.

COME ON IN.

OK,

WHAT HAPPENED?

GOD, I MISSED YOU.

OH, I FEEL LIKE I'VE LOST MY BEST FRIEND.

SHH.

I'M STILL YOUR FRIEND.

I KNOW, BUT I'M NOT YOUR NUMBER ONE ANYMORE.

LOOK, COME ON, KATIE.

IT DIDN'T HAVE TO BE THIS WAY.

YOU KNOW, YOU KNEW HOW I FELT ABOUT YOU.

I MEAN, SURE, THE EMOTIONAL INTIMACY WAS GREAT,

BUT I HAD PHYSICAL NEEDS, TOO.

I COULDN'T GO ON IN A PLATONIC RELATIONSHIP FOREVER.

I KNOW.

YOU ALWAYS FIXED ME UP WITH THESE WOMEN I WOULDN'T BE ATTRACTED TO,

AND THEN IT BACKFIRED ON YOU.

I KNEW THAT IF YOU FOUND SOMEONE

YOU WOULDN'T NEED ME ANYMORE.

I WILL ALWAYS NEED YOU.

YOU'LL FIND SOMEONE TO MAKE YOU HAPPY.

I KNOW IT CAN'T BE ME,

BUT I REALLY DO WANT THE BEST FOR YOU.

HOW ARE THINGS GOING WITH BEN?

GOOD.

BEN'S A GREAT GUY.

WELL, HE'S WARM,

HE'S CARING, SENSITIVE.

SO WHY AREN'T YOU ATTRACTED TO HIM?

FOR ALL THOSE REASONS.

OK,

SO I ADMIT IT, I WAS JEALOUS.

EVERYBODY'S RIGHT.

CLARK'S SUCH A GREAT GUY. AND LOOK AT ELIZABETH.

I HAVE NEVER SEEN HER LOOK SO RADIANT.

MY PARENTS ARE WAITING FOR US.

HI.

HI.

IT WAS SO CLEAR OUT TODAY.

WELL, ELIZABETH WOULDN'T SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS ON HER WEDDING DAY.

WHAT?

I LOVE YOU.

CHRIST, KATIE.

YOU'RE JUST FEELING EMOTIONAL

BECAUSE YOU JUST SAW YOUR BEST FRIEND GET MARRIED.

BEN, I--

FORGET ABOUT IT. YOU KNOW, I'M NOT SOME SHMUCK THAT YOU SETTLE FOR.

I DESERVE BETTER THAN THAT.

YES, YOU DO.

YOU ARE SUCH AN ASSHOLE.

THE CLICHE IS TRUE.

YOU HAVE TO KISS A LOT OF FROGS,

OR, IN THE '90S, FUCK A LOT OF FROGS, BEFORE YOU FIND A PRINCE.

STILL, WHO WOULD'VE THOUGHT

PRINCE CHARMING WAS A LITTLE OVERWEIGHT, WITH A RECEDING HAIRLINE.

LIFE IS FULL OF SURPRISES.