Original subtitles

Are you busy?

Yep. Well, I've had it. I quit.

What's the matter?

There was a hooker in the bar tonight.

I got to talking to her. Do you know how much she makes in one week?

$2,000 tax-free. It's just not right.

I know. Everybody ought to pay their taxes.

Can you imagine doing that for a living, though?

What? Sleep with a guy, pretend I like it, and make 100 grand a year.

We better not talk about this anymore.

I know, I'm getting depressed.

I think you remember Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. She ended up with Richard

Gere. Well, yeah, Nadine, but that's make-believe. In real life, you get Lyle

Lovett.

Or Russell Norton.

What now?

Well, he came into the bar tonight. He was asking all about you.

Russell is really sweet, but he's not what I want in a man.

Well, you don't know what you want in a man.

I know exactly what I want in a man. Oh, you do?

Okay. Let's hear it. Talk to me.

Nadine, it's late. Go home. Oh, no. Come on. Come on. Order up. The kitchen is

closing. Okay. He has to love my kids.

He has to tolerate my kids.

Okay. Not hate Grace's kids.

Okay, what else? He has to be sensitive to my needs.

All of my needs.

Double-jointed.

And intelligent. I don't want a man that thinks PBS is something women get once a

month.

High school graduate?

Or equivalent.

Okay, what have we got? Good with kids, sensitive, intelligent.

Why, Grace, this is incredible.

You've just described Russell Norton.

I know, Russell's great.

Russell's who a divorced woman with three kids is supposed to want.

You want to hear my real list?

What I really want in a man?

Shoot. A strong back.

Dead mama.

A cowboy butt.

And a really big truck.

Can you see me walking down the street?

Beatbox blasts a click track to my empty mind.

Now my walkman's playing a slow and endless march, and I'm looking for that

bright spot in the sky.

But in my eyes, there's a perfect world.

I can see it, a perfect world.

I'm sorry, Grace.

It's just so rare that a woman takes her clothes off in front of me.

Well, if you like that, you're gonna love this.

Oh.

How do you guys get this greasy stuff out from under your nails?

Let me see.

Oh, you got yourself a bad case of diesel fudge.

Here, Grace, put your fingers in this.

What is it?

Don't ask questions. Just put your fingers in there.

Gosh, Madge, I'm soaking in it.

Okay, that's enough.

Wow, that's great. They're clean.

It's amazing. What's in this stuff?

You like cats?

Yeah. Don't ask.

All right.

Payday.

There you go, Carl.

All right.

Hey, Carl, I got a poker game going later on. You want to cash your check

and join us? No, man, I don't want to waste my money gambling.

Let's get drunk.

How about you, Grace? You got plans for your paycheck?

Well, I could pay rent and put a roof over our heads.

Or buy me and the kids really big hats. All right, everybody's happy?

Yep. See you all Monday.

Oh, Bill, very funny. Where's my check?

Oh, I'm sorry, Grace. I thought that you knew. Knew what?

Well, I got this notice here that says that your check is being withheld.

Oh.

Just like this damn company picking on a helpless chick. That just smells.

It's not the company. It's the IRS.

Hang tough, Grace. Gotta go.

Wait. I don't believe you guys.

Are we going to bail out on her just because she's in trouble with the IRS?

I really have to go.

I'm trying to find Jimmy Kelly.

Well, this is one of the numbers he gave me.

I'm his ex-wife.

Well, who am I talking to?

Snake?

Well, hey, Snake. Well, where am I calling?

Uh-huh.

Well, is there a payphone actually inside the bar?

There's not. All right. Thank you. Bye.

I'm gonna try his girlfriend.

I still don't understand why the IRS took your check to pay off Jimmy's

taxes. Because I let him file a joint tax return.

Oh, God, Nadine, I let the stupidest man in the world file a joint tax return.

God.

Hello? Um, yeah, I'm looking for Jimmy Kelly.

Oh, you are, too?

Okay. Well, what for?

Oh, really?

Uh, when are you due?

I see.

Well, good luck, honey. If I see him, I'll pass along the good news.

Oh, man, why, Grace, didn't you do the taxes?

Because every time I ask him about it, he'd say, don't worry your pretty little

head about them taxes, just get me another beer.

We going, Tim?

Where? Well, it's pizza day.

Oh, Quentin, this is not a good time.

But you promised.

You need some cash.

I've got pizza money. It's rent money I'm worried about.

You said the other day if we did all our chores, we'd go for pizza. You promised.

Well, honey, I didn't think you'd actually do them.

All right, go tell your sister to get ready.

Maybe that's Jimmy.

Hello, Kelly residence.

Quentin speaking.

Hold on.

It's that Russell guy. Ah, eligible pharmacist seeks tax cheating, mother of

three.

Hey, Russell.

How you doing?

Lunch? Oh, that's really sweet, but I promised the kids we'd go get pizza.

Well, if you really want to.

All right, 1 o'clock.

Yeah. It's right across from the folding floor.

Okay, I'll see you then. Bye.

I don't want that guy going to lunch with us. Well, who does?

Look, a cheeseburger.

Oh, and it's a beauty.

Elizabeth Louise.

Still glad you came?

Oh, yeah. This is, uh... This place is... I hate this.

They give you a free pizza if you say it's one of your kids' birthdays.

How old are you now, honey? About 48?

Can I play in the balls, Mama? Me too?

Yes, my children, go. Play amongst the balls.

And don't forget to take your shoes off.

You want some cheese?

We would like to see a wine list.

So would I.

Grace, you look a little down. Is there something wrong?

No, you noticed.

I'm in trouble with the IRS.

Ooh.

You know, I was on the fast track to becoming a CPA until, like many of my

generation in the 60s, I discovered the joys of pharmacology.

I'd be glad to help you out with the IRS if you like. Yeah, that'd be great. I've

never been audited.

I can use all the help I can get.

I've been audited before. It's not so bad.

How'd you come out?

They took everything.

But with what they had on me, I could have gone to the chair.

Mama, I lost all my shoes in the bus.

Libby, I told you to take them off. They're brand new.

Don't you let me on my birthday?

Watch the baby.

Grace, how about I come over to your place tomorrow and I'll help you go

through your tax records? Oh, that'd be great, Russell.

Hey, that looks like fun.

Fun doesn't begin to describe it.

I'll help you.

Help me find this shoe.

Okay, okay.

How about you and I go out to dinner tonight to a real restaurant?

Someplace where we're not actually served by vermin.

You can actually think about food after a great lunch like that?

Oh, come on. It'd be good for you. Besides, I get my divorce papers today,

and I don't want to celebrate alone.

Russell, I've got this IRS thing coming up on Monday.

And I'll help you with that tomorrow.

Okay. I'll be there.

Good.

Grace?

How come these balls are wet?

Hey, guys,

Aunt Nadine's got your bath ready. Hop in.

See you later.

Thanks for watching him.

Hey, no problem.

Nadine told me about your trouble with the IRS.

Sorry to hear about that.

Well, Wade, I know you've been in tough situations.

Order attack, enemy fire, snipers. Yeah.

I pride myself on being able to handle tough situations, like, well, that time

Jimmy was drinking in the trailer and it caught on fire. I just rolled that

sucker right in the river. It dried out, he dried out, and we ate fish for a

week. Very resourceful. Very resourceful. Yeah, and that time I went

into labor while he'd taken the truck deer hunting. I didn't panic. Just

waited until the contractions were four and a half minutes apart.

Hot-wired somebody else's car.

You're a tough one, Grace.

I am tough.

But the IRS is going to kill me.

Oh, come on. It can't be that bad.

Oh, it is too that bad. And it goes against every fiber of my being to say

this, but I need a knight on a horse. I need the cavalry. I need Clint Eastwood

to ride into town and kick butt.

You know, maybe I can help you out. Really?

This old buddy of mine from NAMM, chopper pilot, he once told me if he

could get his hands on a helicopter and a really, really big magnet.

Like a horseshoe magnet?

Yeah, that'd do. Yeah, he'd fly that sucker right up over the federal

building, hover for two or three seconds, your tax records and the tax

records of millions of other hardworking Americans are just wiped right off of

their computers.

That's a pretty story, Wade. And if Clinton doesn't come, I'll... I'll call

you.

Uh, Grace.

If you need some money or you need a place to hide out from the IRSS, me and

Nadine are there for you.

Thanks.

Bye.

Well, here they are, my final divorce papers.

You know, I feel lighter somehow.

Like a 130-pound boil has been lanced from my soul.

That's really beautiful, Russell.

A toast.

To your freedom. To never again having to listen to that shrill, whining voice

of hers complain about everything I do.

No, no, I'm not done.

Never again.

Having to watch every cent I make go into shoes, dresses, manicures,

pedicures, nipping, tucking, waxing, buffing, sanding, peeling, implanting,

liposucking. Russell. Barbara.

Oh, you look great.

Thanks.

Russell, I just can't go through with this.

Every time I try to sign the papers, a little voice inside me says, Barbara,

don't do it.

I know I wasn't a perfect wife, but I know we can make it work.

I love you.

Really? Oh, yes.

And I want you.

Any chance you're going to want me?

I don't think so, Russell.

I ache for you.

Any aching in there for me?

Uh-uh.

Russell.

Come home.

Isn't this a funny predicament?

You know what's funny?

I want you to go.

Thanks, Grace.

You're great.

Thanks.

He went back to his wife.

You ought to try it.

Mama, I think you're the most beautiful lady in the whole world.

Well, thank you, honey. I think you're the most beautiful little girl in the

whole world. What'd you do?

Pull a pop cart in the VCR.

Grace?

Russell.

I came over to help you with the taxes and, uh, I owe you an apology.

Well, that's okay. I don't want to go out with you anyway.

Mr. Norton, are you the last man on Earth?

Libby, go get dressed.

So, uh, how'd last night go?

Great, great. Everything went great.

Okay, let's see what you got here.

Oh, this is interesting.

A receipt for a case of dynamite. Was your husband in construction?

No, just an incredibly lazy fisherman.

Okay, let's see what else you got. You got groceries,

rent, I slept with my wife, gasoline.

Talk about it if you need to.

Oh, God, what have I done?

Russell, it's all right to go out with your ex-wife. Just make sure you're

thinking with your head and not your... What? What? Well, I started to say your

heart, but you can use whatever part of your anatomy you think best applies.

Just try and not make the same mistakes twice.

What mistakes?

Russell, this is the woman that videotaped your vasectomy.

It's an interesting operation.

She added a laugh track.

Hey, why are you picking on my ex? Just because your ex doesn't find you

desirable.

What? Well, I don't see Billy Ray Joe Bubba Bob pulling up in your driveway.

Yeah, well, he did, but I just wasn't desperate enough to open the garage

door. Desperate? Well, I don't know if you've noticed it or not, but Barbara

happens to be a very attractive woman.

She ought to be attractive. I think you complained often enough about spending

$20,000 on plastic surgery.

$32,500. You want perky? You pay for perky.

You know what I think, Grace?

I think maybe you're just a little bit jealous.

What? I cannot believe that someone I never wanted to go out with is becoming

less desirable by the second.

Okay, that's it. I'm out of here.

See ya.

You know you wanted me.

I wanted an Easy Bake Oven. I wanted a 69 Camaro. I wanted tickets to the

Allman Brothers before Dwayne died.

I wanted better drugs while I was giving birth, but I never, ever, ever wanted

you.

Mrs. Kelly, do you have an accountant to help you?

No, it's just me, by myself, alone.

Would you like a blindfold?

A little higher-ass humor.

And it's so funny.

Do you want some overseas?

No.

Our investigation indicates that in 1989, your husband underreported his

income, which means that together with interest and penalties, the government

is now owed $2,459.67.

Well, you said my husband... My ex-husband underreported. Why do I have

to pay?

We found you first.

Well, that's fair.

What if I can't pay?

We'll just keep taking your paychecks until the amount is paid in full.

How can you be so cruel?

We're the IRS.

Oh, God, I'm dead.

Sorry I'm late.

Had to wait till the sun was up my back.

Russell, what are you doing here?

We'll talk later.

Are you Mrs. Kelly's accountant?

No, I'm her pharmacist.

Mrs. Kelly, are you sure you want your pharmacist to represent you in this

matter?

Yes. Yes, I do.

Good.

So, if you'll just apologize to my client, give her a refund, we'll be on

our way.

You think that's funny?

How about you show me a copy of the tax deficiency statement you sent her? Being

a pharmacist, you probably don't realize that one of the first things we do is

send out a tax deficiency notice.

Then I guess you won't mind showing it to me, will you?

Do you want to show them the receipts?

Receipts?

We don't need no stinking receipts.

Gentlemen, don't waste your time.

This United States postal record certifies that at no time in the past

three years was a tax deficiency statement sent to my client.

Want to read it?

Oh, it won't be necessary.

I pick up this phone, and a notice reaches her mailbox before she even gets

home. That's not going to happen.

Call. Go ahead, make the call.

How did you know?

Statute of limitations runs out in three years on cases like that. You got

nothing on her.

Now, I think you owe my client some money.

Cut her a voucher.

Voucher's not good enough.

I'll take a voucher.

Just to...

Pharmacist?

Care for an antacid?

Pull this file.

Hey, cowboy.

How about if I make you a nice dinner tonight?

I'd like that.

If you're gonna be pulling my file, I'll guess you want my name.

Feldman.

Hezekiah Feldman.

You know, you really saved my life today.

It's funny. I saved Barbara's life last night.

Really? How?

I left the house before I killed her.

I was thoughtful of you. What happened?

Oh, she wanted to call the home shopping network while we were making love.

Russell, get your butt down.

I can't see the phone number.

Thanks for the vivid image.

You know, I was thinking how easy it would have been just to hold that

designer pillow over her head until she stopped kicking.

I've had evil thoughts like that.

I used to see my ex passed out in the front yard and thought it'd be so simple

to drag him over to the driveway and back over him a few times.

Add a few milligrams to her diet pill prescription, watch her run up the wall

and explode.

I cut the brake lines to his truck.

causing it to careen down a mountain, crashing into his mother's car, killing

her but sending him flying through the windshield.

I like it. I'm not finished.

His mangled body is dragged away by wild dingoes who take it back to their den

where the pups feed off his living, writhing flesh for the rest of the

winter. And just before he breathes his last breath, I lean over and stare into

his glassy eyes, whispering, I'm sleeping with your brother!

You know, Grace, I think you're right. Maybe we should just be friends.

To friendship.

To friendship.