Original subtitles

- Okay, so tomorrow, don't forget.

You're picking them up, right?

It's as if I speak in tongues.

Don't tell me you forgot about tomorrow.

- I won't.

- Do you have any interest in your children?

- Yes.

Yes, and tomorrow...

I pick them up.

- From where?

- You don't know?

- Pick them up from their school...

- Prayer. - Rehearsal...

At the...

- Steak house?

- Auditorium.

Be there by 3:00.

Sarah knows you're going to pick them up.

- Sarah?

- Their teacher! You are incredible!

- Sarah! I know it's sarah, okay?

I was kidding you. I know it's sarah.

- Yeah, you know it's sarah.

Ray, what's my middle name?

Come on, ray. What's my middle name?

- Sexy.

- [sniffs]

Dad, you wearing aftershave?

- Yeah.

- It doesn't look like you shaved.

- I didn't shower either. Hence the aftershave.

- Nice try.

- Oh. What are you guys doing here?

- Watching the knicks on the dish.

- And holding our breath. - Great.

Hey, no, guys, get off the lawn.

Guys, go upstairs.

Come on, change. You got to change, like we said.

[boys yelling]

- What are you doing to these kids?

- They're in a play.

- Let me guess, "death of a salesman."

- Just this thing at school. That's all.

- A play? That's a mistake.

Get them into sports, quick.

- Look, it's a couple of weeks, that's all.

The whole class is in it.

- I don't like it.

Look at them running around here like a couple of sissies.

- They're not sissies.

- No? - No.

- Well, then what the hell are they?

- They're fairies.

- Oh, my god!

I'm telling ya, sports, quick, right now!

Tennis, even!

- No, no!

Look, these are the parts

That they were assigned, all right?

That's it. It's no big deal.

- Well, listen to the king of the fairies.

- Hi. - Hey.

- I took debra grocery shopping.

Now she knows how to choose a cut of meat.

- And humiliate a butcher.

- We should go shopping together more often.

- Yeah, I'll call you.

- The next time you're out, you should get

A couple of skirts for your twins there.

- What?

- Dad's mad 'cause the boys are fairies

In the school play.

- Oh, they'll make adorable fairies.

- Well, they already do.

You should have seen them in the little wings.

- Somebody just kill me.

- Oh, frank, come on.

- Look, don't listen to him.

He did the same thing to me

When I joined the chorus in the seventh grade.

You know, I was basso profundo.

[singing] old man river

- All right!

- [singing] that old man river

He must know somethin'

He don't say nothin'

- All right!

All right, all right! Enough!

That's how it starts!

- What?

- Singing, dancing.

- Showering regularly.

- Why don't you go hang some drapes?

- Oh, stop it, frank.

I was so sad when he quit chorus.

- I had to. Everyone was making fun of me.

- That's why you quit?

I don't remember anybody making fun of you.

- Dad told me people were making fun of me.

- What people? Who?

- People.

- What people?

- People... Within the community.

- It was just you, wasn't it, dad?

- I represent the community.

Oh, who cares?

The next day I put up the basketball hoop.

Before you know it,

You had a shelf full of trophies.

By the way, when are you

Going to get that crap out of my house?

- Yeah, dad needs that space

For his "father of the year" awards.

- What, are you cracking wise?

My hard work is the only reason

The two of you aren't flitting around here

Like a couple of tinkerbells.

Even so, you're still a "bachelor."

- Don't be ridiculous.

- Yeah, frank, dressing the twins like fairies

Is not going to make them gay.

- Well, it's not going to make them teamsters.

- I'm sure there are gay teamsters.

- You, madam, are ignorant.

- Oh, please.

This won't make them gay.

And even if it does, it's fine.

It's better than fine; it's wonderful.

Who cares what they are so long as they're happy?

You know what? I hope they do turn gay.

- You're just saying that to make me mad!

- And why are you mad?

You think that's the worst thing that could happen?

Them turning out like you

Is the worst thing that could happen.

- So everyone's fine with all of this.

Huh?

What about you?

- What about me?

- You're fine with your sons dressing up like fairies

For all of long island to see?

- First of all, it's not in front

Of all long island, okay?

There's 40 people in the school's cafe-gym-atorium,

All right?

Second of all, do you hear yourself?

Aren't you embarrassed to talk that way?

- What way?

- You know, your old stupid ideas

That you and your lodge buddies

Sit around and laugh at between bouts of gas.

- Don't say nothing about my lodge buddies!

- Who, the guys you swim naked with?

- That's lodge policy!

- Yeah, all right.

Is it-- is it lodge policy

To force your opinions on other people?

Look, dad, they're my kids, all right?

I'll raise them the way I want to raise them.

And what is that smell?

- He didn't shower today, so he used my jean nate.

- What?

- You never look at what you're picking up in there.

- Really? You're wearing perfume, dad?

- Shut up.

- You do smell purty, pa.

- Well, I'm not so sure I like the way

I'm being treated here.

If any of you want to apologize to me,

I'll be in the bath.

- Who's going to apologize to the tub?

- Oh, you made him so angry, raymond.

- Eh. - You should do that more often.

- I'm proud of you, honey.

- Yeah, well, you know, it's enough already.

- Oh, I know.

You know, I'll tell you,

Frank would probably have been happier

If I'd signed the kids up to run the tape recorder.

- What do you mean, sign them up?

- Yeah, I signed them up.

- Well, what do you mean, you volunteered them

To be fairies? - Yeah.

- Why?

- 'cause I thought it would be cute

To see them wear sparkly outfits

And get a chance to dance.

- Do they have wands? I could make them wands.

- Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

You made them fairies

When there was an opening at tape recorder?

- Yeah.

- Well, why would you do that?

- What are you talking about?

You said you were fine with it.

- I'm not saying that I'm not fine with it, all right?

I am. I'm fine with it.

- You don't sound fine with it.

- Well, that's 'cause I didn't know that we had a choice.

I didn't know that you pushed them into this.

- I didn't push them.

I thought they would like it, and they do.

They're having fun.

- Wh--fun? They're five, okay?

They have fun with the empty roll

From the toilet paper.

- Why are you getting so upset?

You know, you're sounding like your father.

- I'm not my father, okay? This is not about that.

This is about you making decisions

For our children that don't involve...

Their free will.

- Oh, so you're worried about their free will.

- [chuckles] no, he's not.

- Why are you still here?

- Free will.

- Maybe you're more like your father than you think.

- Hey, look, I am not prejudiced.

- You just don't want your boys to be fairies.

- Listen to me.

If my children come home and say,

"hey, dad, we decided to be fairies in the school play,"

I'd say, "hey, good for you, guys.

Good, guys. Let's go have a root beer."

Huh? All right?

My father doesn't do that, all right?

I'm not my father. What?

- You're going to give them a root beer.

- Yes, that's right. I'm going to--yes.

- You know what? You are worse than your father

Because at least he's up front with it.

I mean, you pretend to be liberal,

But the truth is, you're embarrassed

That your boys are playing fairies.

- [coughs] bull's-eye.

- Hey, shut up.

All right, just shut up.

- I tried to make raymond sensitive, debra.

- Ma, don't you start, okay?

- I took you to museums, and I gave you piano lessons.

And I even had his hair cut at my beauty parlor,

But there's still some of his father in him.

- He got the moron gene.

- Well, I'm going to stop it

Before it gets to michael and geoffrey.

- You see? That's exactly what I'm talking about.

Who says that you get to make

All the decisions in this house, huh?

You know, they're my boys too, all right?

Why don't you worry a little bit more

About the girl?

- Ally. - I know her name!

And you know what?

As far as the boys are concerned,

Maybe there's such a thing as too liberal,

Miss hippie go free-free.

Michael, geoffrey, come on down here.

- Hey, what's going on?

- Don't--don't you worry. - What are you doing?

- Bah-bah, bah-bah, bah. I got it.

Guys, come here.

Listen, daddy pulled a few strings here,

And he got you better parts in the play.

Okay? All right?

Now, here are your new costumes.

- They're rocks?

- No, boulders!

These are great parts, guys, huh?

Best parts in the whole play.

The mighty boulders!

You didn't even tell them that they could be boulders.

- So what do they do?

- They--they guard the entrance to the castle.

- Do they have lines?

- No, but here's the thing, guys.

You know--you know the part where the prince comes home,

Weary from his long journey?

Well, he's going to come over.

He's going to rest on one of you guys.

And then while he's resting on one of you guys,

He puts his knapsack right on the other guy,

And it's a heavy knapsack, but you are a boulder!

- So they just sit there?

- Only for the whole play.

It's a good part; it's great, and they're perfect for it.

Come on, let's try them on, guys.

Sit down. Sit down.

Okay. Sit, sit.

Aw, you look awesome!

I'm proud of you guys.

- Ray, you made them scenery.

- How you guys doing in there?

- I'm scared!

- Me too.

- Okay, come on. Come on.

That's enough for today, all right?

Maybe we'll, uh, poke a few holes in there

For light and air.

- Daddy, can I put my wings on?

- Well, actually, daddy's got to bring

The wings back to school now.

- I like my wings. - Me too.

- But rocks don't have wings.

Huh?

And if you're a rock, you get--

You're going to be smooth and cool,

Which will come in real handy later

With the ladies.

You're smooth. You're cool.

- I want to be a fairy.

- Me too.

- Well, listen,

Maybe miss sarah will let you have candy

Under there.

- Ray, take them back.

- How would you guys like a puppy under there?

- Ray. - All right!

Miss sarah.

- Oh, hi, mr. Barone. Did you bring the wings back?

- Yeah. - I need the wings.

- Well, um, here's the thing.

The rock idea really didn't fly.

- But I thought you said

Your boys dreamed of being rocks.

- Ah, kids and their dreams,

But, you know, I think it would be okay

If they just went back to being fairies.

- Oh, actually, I've already got

Two new fairies.

I'm sorry.

- Oh, well, you know what?

How about--you could have four fairies, you know?

Two over there, a couple more over there.

For my money, you can never have too many fairies.

- You know what?

Maybe your boys would like to work behind the scenes.

They could help josh with the tape recorder.

- Uh, well, you know, the thing is,

They--they actually kind of want to be fairies.

- Well, to be honest with you,

I'm not so sure michael and geoffrey

Are quite cut out to be fairies.

- What do you mean?

- Well, they were having some problems

Following the choreography.

- Really? They looked good from what I saw.

- Actually, they-- no.

[clears throat]

They just kind of run around,

And I can't seem to get them to follow the music.

- Well, maybe they just need

A little more practice, that's all.

- Well, we've been rehearsing for a week.

They just don't seem to have the proper coordination.

I'm sorry.

Oh, okay, let's see the first light cue

For the prince's entrance.

- Wait, you're joking, right?

'cause my boys, they're coordinated.

You know, I play ball with them. You should see them.

They run, they catch, they hit it.

- Yeah, I'm sure they're great at sports,

But this is just a little more complicated.

- What, dancing?

No, no, no, no, come on. They can do this.

Four fairies, come on. I see it.

I see it right there, huh?

It makes the show.

- Well, I want to be fair to michael and geoffrey,

And the two new fairies,

Well, they're just a little lighter on their feet.

- Well, my boys are very light.

The doors at the a&p don't even open for them.

- But the two new ones are really quite good.

- So is this the school system now, huh?

We--we just settle for "quite good"?

- All right. Guys, you ready?

Both: Yeah.

- Okay.

[classical music playing]

"just as the prince had given up hope

"and thought he was lost in the forest forever,

"he heard a rustling in the trees.

It was the magical fairies."

[boys screaming]

No, no, no, stop it. Stop it.

All right, come here.

No, stop it. Stop it.

Stop bouncing.

Okay, stop it. Guys, stop.

Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

[screaming stops]

All right, pretty good.

A lot of energy-- good, good energy.

Let's take it down a notch, all right?

Okay, you got to remember, fairies, they're--

They're happy and light, all right?

Not so much "aah!" no, no.

They're not like that, okay?

So let's try it again.

This time, stay together and just--

Remember, try to be-- be graceful, okay?

Make believe you're flying, okay?

Happy and light.

All right, right from the top. All right?

Okay, guys, you ready?

Both: Yeah.

- "just as the prince had given up hope

"and thought he was lost in the forest forever,

"he heard a rustling in the trees.

It was the magical fairies."

No, you're not airplanes, guys.

Come on, you're not airplanes. Now cut, cut.

Cut, guys, cut. "cut" means to stop.

Cut--stop. Stop.

[both giggling]

That's not funny, all right?

It's going to be funny when you're up there,

And you're the worst fairies of the play.

Is that going to be funny?

Come on.

I've seen the other fairies, guys.

They put you away, all right?

Now you got to--

You got to know the moves.

Otherwise, what? I'm not going to tape it.

I'm not going to videotape it if you're...

I want you guys to be the best fairies, all right?

So here's what I want you to do,

'cause you're not going to get by on your looks, all right?

It's not, "oh, look at the twins with blond hair."

That doesn't cut it anymore, all right?

So listen, instead of--

Instead of holding your arms out straight,

Try flapping them.

Flap them. Yeah.

Okay, not so hard, though.

Not so hard, though, okay?

Gentle. Gentle, right?

Yeah.

See? That's it.

This is how you fly. It's how you float.

Feel the air. The air's under your wings.

All right, good.

Now, instead of running, why don't you guys skip?

Try to skip. Good.

Try to skip. That's good.

Good, but lightly.

Lightly, like, you know, glide.

Glide, glide.

Good. All right.

Now let's try it on our toes, on our--

Our tippy toes, the tippy toes.

Yeah, that's it.

Feel it. You're flying.

Yeah, you're flying.

Look, I'm flying. I'm flying.

I'm flying. I'm flying.

I'm flying. I'm--

- Holy crap.

Marie, I hope you're happy!

- All right, guys, no pressure, okay?

Don't be nervous.

Michael, where's your wand?

Michael, what'd you do with your wand?

- You have it, daddy.

- Oh, oh, right, right. Okay, here.

- Rawr!

- Hey, do you mind? We're on in a minute here.

- Mr. Barone, uh, wouldn't you be more comfortable

Sitting out in the audience with the rest of the parents?

- No, you know what? I'm good--I'm good right here.

- Okay. Well, let's go, everybody.

Okay, good luck, boys.

- All right, guys. This is it.

You're on, okay? Come on, places now.

Hey, now, don't forget the twirly finish.

- Curtain up.

[applause]

Once upon a time,

There was a prince who was lost in the forest.

Just as the prince had given up hope

And thought he was lost in the forest forever,

He heard a rustling in the trees.

It was the magical fairies.

[geoffrey and michael screaming]

- Oh!