Original subtitles

[car chase sound effects over tv]

- Going to eat all of that?

- I asked you if you wanted one.

- All right, fine.

I was just thinking that

Right now I could go for some orange

Or some sex.

Thank you.

- [coughing]

[turns up volume]

- You all right?

What's the matter?

What is it? Wrong pipe or something?

- [gasps]

[coughs once]

- There you go.

- [gasps] you drew that yourself?

- They're coming!

[beethoven's "ode to joy"]

[music stops]

[heart beating]

["ode to joy" resumes]

- Ray, why didn't you do something?

- What? What do you want me to do?

- You just sat there and turned up the tv!

- There was a lot of noise.

- Is that how you react in an emergency?

- It wasn't an emergency. The thing came out.

Want me to pick it up, so you don't slip on it?

- I was choking.

- You were coughing. I mean, coughing's not choking.

All right, I'm sorry.

I guess I-I should've done more.

- More than nothing, ray?

- Aw, come on. You're okay now.

You don't got to be mad at me, right?

Mukluk?

- You know, is it too much to ask for you

To save my life once in a while?

I mean, I think it's the least you could do around here.

- Hey, come on.

You know you can always count on me.

- Oh, I can? When?

- When it counts.

When the chips are down.

Everybody knows that.

I'm the chips-are-down guy.

- Mm, oh, really?

Well, where was the chips-are-down guy

When the squirrel got in the house the other day?

Hmm, I believe he was in the closet screaming,

"get it out! Get it out! It's after me!"

- It was after me.

I had been eating nuts.

- I mean, face it.

You're useless in an emergency.

- This wasn't an emergency.

You--you coughed. You went, "pwah!"

Right? That's not choking.

- Okay, and if I had been choking,

What would you have done?

- If you had really been choking,

I'm sure that I would have known what to do.

- Oh, it would come to you just like that.

- Yeah, yeah, like the grandma

Who suddenly can lift the truck off the grandson.

- Okay, grandma. What would you do?

- I would have done the maneuver thing.

- Yeah, how do you do the maneuver thing?

- [stammers] you get around behind them, and you--

Listen, my specialty happens to be

Mouth-to-mouth.

- Hey.

- Robert, can you do the heimlich maneuver?

- Of course. Why? What's the problem?

- Nothing, all right?

Relax, sergeant show-off. Everything's fine.

- Yeah, no thanks to ray. - You were choking?

- No. - Yeah, and he just sat there.

- Well, he's never been good in an emergency.

- Unless you can't hear a tv during your emergency.

Then he's your man.

- Hey, the chips weren't down!

- Don't worry, deb. You're family.

I'm watching out for you.

- Thanks, robert. - Oh, please.

- You know that a person can perform the heimlich maneuver

On themselves if they have to?

- Yeah? Better show me how.

- I hear you.

Okay, you want to use the chair, right?

You just got to lean over--

- I hear you too, yeah. Hey, robert.

There's another maneuver you can perform on yourself.

Hey, ma.

- Hello, raymond. You want something to eat?

- No, I'm not hungry.

- You'll have a sandwich.

- Let me get that for you. Here.

[grunts]

[grunts]

There you go.

- Thank you.

Actually, I had just closed it.

- All right, maybe I'll just hang out here

For a little while.

Oh.

"celebrate with celery."

Hmm. Thanks.

- What's wrong, raymond? What did she do?

- Nothing. She's mad at me. She was--

She was eating an orange, and she started coughing.

But not big coughing, you know?

And I guess I should have done something

Or something.

- Is that what she said?

- No.

She said she was choking,

And I should have saved her life.

- Well, you know, raymond,

I've always found debra to be very demanding.

- You know, so I didn't know

The exact right thing to do at that particular moment.

I'm still...

You know...Right?

- What, dear?

- Well, like, in an emergency situation,

You'd still want-- you want me around, right?

- What kind of emergency?

- I don't know.

I save you from something-- a flood, a fire.

- Are there other people around?

- Oh, come on, ma.

- Well, it was just that

When it comes to acting under pressure,

You're not exactly--

But robert happens to be very capable.

- Yeah, but that's his job. He's had training.

- Even before the training.

- All right, let's say robert's not here.

He's--he's giving cpr to a kitten, okay?

Then-- then you want me.

- Is your father available?

- What?

- Well, listen, say what you will about him,

But when it comes to something like this,

He can be very impressive.

I mean, he's a fighter. He's got that inner rage.

Actually, he's just looking for an excuse to use it.

- And you like that?

You're the one always complaining

That he isn't sensitive enough.

- But you just don't want sensitive.

I mean, sensitive doesn't scare off a burglar

Or--or a peeping tom.

- That's a big problem around here, is it?

- How long does it take

To make a frickin' sandwich?

- You can't rush the love, frank.

- He's not the only fighter, okay, ma? I'm tough too.

- Chair.

- I'm tough when the chips are down.

- What are you talking about?

Marie, chips.

- I'm talking that I'm tough.

- Tough to resist. [kisses]

- Yeah, you're tough. [chuckles]

- Yeah, what of it?

- All right, let's go. - What?

- Come on, big shot, arm-wrestle.

- Oh, frank, take your elbow off the table.

- Relax. You can have winners.

Come on. I'm waiting, sadie.

- Look, I'm not arm-wrestling you, okay, you maniac?

I don't have anything to prove.

- Well, then that proves something, doesn't it?

- Don't--don't listen to him. Don't listen to him.

You're a sweet boy, and that's what you do.

- I'm not sweet!

- All right, don't get upset.

What I meant to say is that you're sweet,

But you're also manly.

You're a strapping, virile man.

- Said his mommy.

- I'm not only his mommy, frank.

I'm also a woman.

- Oh, god.

- And you always do things like that.

I remember you getting in fights all the time.

- Getting picked on, you mean.

A wedgie is not a fight.

- Do you remember that boy who was bothering you,

And you walloped him?

- Oh, yeah, that's right,

Robert's friend albert gomez.

- How old was this bruiser, 10?

- For your information, dad, I was 10, okay?

He was 12 1/2.

- Ooh.

- He called me "big-nose barone,"

And I said, "stop."

He said-- he said, "okay, b.N.B."

I knew what that meant, yeah.

So I punched him in the stomach,

And he went down like a sack of doorknobs.

Yeah. It wasn't "big-nose barone" anymore.

It was "super punch."

- And you don't have a big nose, dear.

It's perfect for your face.

- It's perfect for two faces.

- Oh, frank.

- All right, dad, huh?

Knock it off.

- Easy there, super punch. - Yeah.

- What did they call you, huh? Super paunch?

- I'm right here.

- All right, let's go.

- Oh, come on, now. I don't like that.

Stop it. And not on my egg salad.

- Ready?

- Go.

- I'm just playing with you.

- Yeah. Yeah, sure.

- Three, two, one.

- Oh.

- [laughs]

What did you expect, kid?

It's my tv arm.

- You're a bully, frank.

- Come on, two out of three.

Ahh, my funny bone! Ahh, ahh.

- Frank, see what you did? - Oh, it's tingly.

- He's hurt. - Ahh, tingly.

- I'll take his sandwich too.

- Hey. - Hey, nemo.

You know what to do if somebody's choking?

- Change the special.

- Yeah, thanks.

- Hey, ray, how's it going?

- Hey, you were late.

We ordered pizza with jalapenos, deal with it.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What, you wear the uniform everywhere now?

- I'm on a lunch break.

They make us wear these for work.

- [scoffs]

- What's with you?

- Nothing.

You're a bad brother.

- Hey, don't say that.

A brother is a friend given by nature.

- All right, look, raymond's mad at me

Because I showed debra the heimlich maneuver.

- Is that a euphemism?

- You don't come into my house

And try to show me up in front of my wife.

- He let her almost choke to death.

- Well, that's not right.

- She was coughing on a piece of fruit!

Only thanks to this boy scout, she thinks I'm useless now.

- I'd rather be a boy scout than a girl scout.

- What are you saying?

- I'm saying

I'll take a box of thin mints, sweetie.

- That's funny. What does that mean?

- What do you want to drink, ray?

- I'll have a coke.

- You want to arm-wrestle for it?

[laughter]

- That's good. That is good.

- Dad had me paged at work.

- Did he tell you that he cheated, huh?

He was using his whole body,

Not to mention his breath.

- Your dad's a real man.

He does what it takes to get the job done.

- I get the job done.

- Oh, we're getting some conflicting reports.

Apparently you're weaker than a feeble old geezer,

And you almost lost your bride to an orange.

- Yeah, all right. Just shut up.

- Come on, ray.

Our bodies are covered with hair for a reason.

- To nauseate your fellow diners?

- 'cause we're supposed to be men,

And, ray,

As your friend, I can honestly say,

Unless you can provide for and protect your woman,

You should get out of the way and give me a shot.

- All right. - All right, all right.

Look, look, come on. Debra would never go for you.

- Oh, and who would she go for, you?

- I don't even think that's a question.

- All right, would you both shut up?

- [stutters] I'm serious.

My legs are taller than you.

- Oh, yeah? You're a real man?

Check this out. I shaved an hour ago.

- Again with the hair? What else you got?

- All right, raymond, who would debra pick first, huh?

Me or gianni? - Whoa!

- Hey, I'm not necessarily out of this.

- If raymond goes, I'm the brother.

I get her. It's in the bible.

- Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! - Okay.

- All right, all right, look,

Would everybody just leave raymond alone?

He's obviously sensitive,

And at the end of the day,

That's what the ladies like.

- Andy, at the end of the day,

You have to blow up your lady.

- I do fine with the women.

They find me cuddly and cute,

And when they poke me in the belly,

I go-- [giggles]

[giggles]

What did you think? I wasn't going to back it up?

Don't listen to them, raymond.

You are not useless.

Guys like us don't have to get caught up

In these stereotypical gender roles

Where the man has to take care of the woman.

- Yeah, okay.

Thank you, andy,

But you're really not helping me

With the me-to-you comparison, okay?

I don't want to be taken care of.

- [laughs]

- What are you laughing at?

- I'm just noting the irony in your statement,

In the light of the fact

That you live across the street from your mother.

- What are you talking about?

You lived there for 35 years.

- Lived, lived-- past tense.

I'm now miles away from them...

1.38 miles.

- Yeah, yeah, you're the person

I should be taking advice from, robert.

- Look, we're just trying to help you out here, raymond,

But you got to bring something to the table.

Now, andy, he's cute and squishable,

Gianni is hairy and scary,

And I happen to be the perfect amalgam.

You heard me, amalgam.

You, you're neither here nor there.

- Yeah, okay, look,

I don't have to defend myself to you idiots.

I'm not the perfect man, but I-I'm pretty sure

I'm the only one sitting here who has a woman.

- For now.

- Oh, yeah.

Ha ha. Very funny, cousin it.

Debra happens to like the fact

That I have just the right amount of hair

In just the right amount of places.

- Oh, I'm sure that was a comforting last thought

Before she blacked out.

[imitating debra choking] raymond's body's so smooth,

Like a hairless...Cat.

- Yeah, bye. Bye-bye.

- Hey, come on, where you going?

The pizza's coming.

- Yeah, I'm going home to my wife, okay?

My wife, all right?

And everything is fine in my house.

I happen to be all the man she needs.

Anytime, anywhere.

- Hey, there, slim-fast.

Oh, give me those bags. Here.

- It's okay. I got them. - No, let me take them.

- I got it. - I want them. No.

Where do they go?

- Right here. - Oh.

All right. Anything else?

- No. What are you doing?

- Oh, just taking care of a few things.

You know, I checked the smoke detectors.

I changed a light bulb,

Squashed a bug, uh, yeah...

Made a crackling noise. Didn't bother me, yeah.

What else? Any bags left in the car?

- Uh-uh. - Hey, how's the car driving?

You want me to pop the hood

And check under the, uh, thing?

- No, the car is-- it's really fine.

Where's the ketchup?

Oh, come on. I know I bought ketchup.

I bet they didn't put it in the bag.

- Those sons of bitches. I'm going to go down there.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wait. Found it.

- You got it? All right.

'cause I'd go down there.

I'd come back with two ketchups.

- You okay?

- Yeah, everything's cool.

You know, just taking care of things.

- All right. - What are you doing?

- Just going to put the stool back.

- No, no, no, I'll take it. - I got it, honey.

- No, no, you don't have to carry it.

- Ow! - What?

- Splinter. - Oh, I'm sorry.

[chair crashes]

Splinter? No, I can do that.

I can do that. - What's the matter with you?

- You got a splinter. I'm on it.

- Yeah, that's okay. I can get it out.

- No, look, don't worry. Uh, everything's under control.

I'm here, okay? Tweezers, where are the tweezers?

- They're in the drawer over there.

What are you doing? - Just calm down.

Where are the tweezers?

- They're right there, right there.

- Okay, I got them.

- Ow, ow, ow, ow! You're hurting me.

- No, don't worry. I can do this.

- Listen, I can get it out.

- Will you let me do it, please? - I got it, honey.

- No, I happen to be good at this.

Please, will you stop it? Now, stop it!

Sit down! - You are freaking me out.

- The chips are down here!

Come on!

- Get away from me! What are you doing?

- Chips are down!

- Get away from me!

Ray! Ray, look.

Honey, honey.

What, do you want to prove that you're a man

By taking my splinter out?

- Just admit it, that you need me.

Now, give me the splinter!

- Ow! Ray, get off of me!

What are you doing? You're totally insane!

- [grunting]

Give me the splinter!

Stop it! - I'll get the tweezers.

- Please!

- Ray! [screams] - I'm trying to help you!

- I--stop it! - Just stop it.

- You stop it. - No, you stop it!

- Please, ray. Honey, come on!

- Come on, just give me the tweezers.

Stop it. Stop it.

- Honey, it's the wrong hand!

- Well, stop struggling!

You got me all turned around here!

Just relax.

- Your knee is in my rib.

- That's okay.

- Just stop it for a minute.

Just a minute. Just one minute.

- What?

- Look, I know what you're trying to do,

But you don't have to do it.

I mean, I think I overreacted yesterday,

And I'm sorry if I did, honey.

- No. No, you didn't.

I should have done something.

I screwed up.

- No, you didn't.

No, honey, I think you're a wonderful husband.

- No, you don't.

- Oh, yes, I do.

[pats him] you're a good man.

Hmm?

Come here.

Can I get up now?

- I got to get that splinter.

- Oh, honey, please. - I'm going to get it.

- Sweetie, no, no, no, no.

- I'm getting it. I'm getting it.

- Don't do it. It's hurting me!

- Got it! Yeah!

Oh, yeah!

Oh, you picked the wrong guy's wife

To go into, splinter.

Whoo-hoo!

And stay out!

Look at the size of that!

- Thanks, ray.

- You see? Goes one way, and it juts another way.

That's why it was hard to rip out of you.

- Yeah. Okay.

- All right. Where are you going?

- Got to go get a band-aid now 'cause it's bleeding.

- Oh, there is blood. - Yeah.

- Yeah. You all right? - Yeah?

Yeah. - You want me to help you?

- No, no. - All right.

Fine. That's okay.

- All right.

I'm right here if you need me.

I don't like blood.

And then the beautiful princess said,

"oh, brave and handsome knight,

"thank you for taking that painful wooden spike

"out of my hand.

"I will marry you.

I'm lucky to marry you."

And the townspeople rejoiced,

Except for the giant,

Evil, cowardly brother,

Who was banished from the kingdom forever

And had to live 1.38 miles away.

- Yay, yay, yay. - Yay.

- [sarcastic] my hero.