Original subtitles

- Hey, deb.

- Yeah. - Tie, huh? Whoa, jazzy.

- Yeah, it's for ray.

- Hey, everybody.

- Hey, my brother!

Good to see you, my brother.

- All right, come on.

Don't ever do that unless I'm on fire.

Even then, ask first.

- So are we going away on a golf weekend or what?

- Yes, we are.

I spoke to my connection in myrtle beach.

He pulled a couple strings. We're in.

- Oh, this is going to be beautiful.

I'm going to buy a new pair of plaid pants.

- I just got to check a couple things out first.

- What do you mean? What? You said we're in.

You haven't asked debra yet, have you?

- Not yet, but I'm just--

I'm laying the foundation, okay?

It's a whole process, man.

- You got to make this happen for me.

Come on, I need something to look forward to

In my soup-for-one life.

- I know. I know. Look, it just--

It requires a little finagling, that's all.

- Oh, god, what are you going to do?

- Don't worry your large rectangular head.

- Okay, I got to go pick up the kids.

- Hey, deb. Hi. Aw, you look nice.

- Oh, I'm totally gross.

I haven't had a chance to shower yet.

- Ah, you'd never know it.

Hey, wait. Wait, wait, wait.

What do you want for christmas? - Honey, I got to go.

- Wait, wait. I just want to know.

What do I get the most beautiful woman in the world?

- [mumbling]

- Well, I don't know what she wants,

But I could use a crock-pot.

- Crock-pot? - Yeah.

- Oh, because of the melted crayons?

- Yeah. - Yeah, that was ally's idea.

- Yeah? She said it was daddy's.

- Well, then she's a little liar, isn't she?

[door closes]

- Maybe I'll see myrtle beach from heaven.

- Relax, man. I'm working on it.

Okay, I just got some important information.

- What, you suck at finagling?

- No. Crock-pot.

- Oh, right. She's going to let you go on a golf weekend

Because you're getting her a crock-pot.

- No, you idiot.

I'm not going to get a crock-pot, okay?

A crock-pot just sets the level.

I have to work above that.

I gotta get her something that's going to turn her all goopy,

And it has to be better than what she's getting me.

- Oh, oh, I know what she's getting you!

- What? What? Come on. What?

- It's a christmas present. I can't ruin it.

- Hey, you want to go to myrtle beach or not, huh?

I'm finagling here. You're impeding the finagle.

- It's a tie. She's getting you a tie.

- A tie? Oh, that's great.

- Yeah, an ugly tie.

- Oh, beautiful.

That stinks.

Oh, I'll get her something really great

That will make her feel like crap.

- Like what?

- Anything. What? It's an ugly tie.

I got stuff under the seat of my car

That can beat that.

Oh, good work, robert.

- You know, I...

I feel a little dirty.

I like it.

[children screaming]

- Guys, take it easy!

[children laughing]

- Come on, guys.

Take it easy.

Hey, lay down. See if those new pajamas work.

- Ah, look. - I like it.

How lovely. A sweater.

- Yeah. - Where did you find it?

- Oh, macy's. You can return it if you want.

- No, no, no. It's perfect.

Such a pretty color.

Macy's in massapequa or the city?

- This one's says "for debra from rah."

"wrah?"

Looks like "rap."

- You think it might be "ray," dad?

- No.

- Frank, put your glasses on. You're blind.

- And what would be the upside of seeing you more clearly?

- Oh, look at that. It's a crock-pot.

How did you know?

- Cute little birdie told me.

- Oh.

- But I thought you were--

- Bah! Bah!

And...Here we go.

- Oh, that one is for me?

- Just a little something else

For someone who's... Something else.

- Oh, look. Ray, what did you do?

Oh!

Oh, my gosh. It's all-new cookware.

- [laughing]

Oh, I'm sorry.

- Oh, look at this. It's beautiful.

I love this,

But the crock-pot would have been enough.

- No, no, it wouldn't have.

- Oh, thank you. I love it.

- Here's one-- "from debra, to enormo."

- It doesn't say that, dad.

- [chuckles]

You knew who I was talking about, didn't you?

- Well, this must be the ferrari

I asked santa for.

Oh, uh, this is a mistake, dad.

This one's for raymond.

- No, no, that's for you.

That's for you, robert.

When you caught me with it the other day,

I had to tell you it was for ray

So it'd be a surprise.

- What?

- Yeah. - What?

- No, no, this is what I got for ray.

- You mean, I'm not getting that...Great tie?

- No, this is for you.

- Oh, that's big. That's a big present.

Wow. That's not a tie,

Unless it's one of those novelty giant ties, you know?

- There you go. Merry christmas. - Whoa.

Hey, that's heavy. That's heavier than a tie.

- Heavier than a crock-pot too.

- Come on, open it. Come on.

- Oh, my god.

A dvd player.

- What is that, like a hi-fi?

- What did you do?

- She got you a dvd player.

- Yes, isn't that cool?

This is the best one they make.

- What'd you do that for?

- Yeah, what the hell?

- Oh, I got you some movies too.

- Oh, no.

- What, don't you like it?

- No, I love it. It's just--

It's more than I expected, you know?

I would have been happy with the tie.

- I knew you would like this.

I love my pots.

I'm going to try them out right now.

- Well, I better go help her. They're not magic pots.

- Nice going, raymond. No golf.

I know, instead of playing at myrtle beach this spring,

I'll just hang myself

With the world's tackiest noose.

- Hey, look, don't blame me, all right?

You're the one who told me she was giving me the tie.

You gave me faulty information.

- No, she fooled us. She's too good.

I'm not cut out for this!

- What did you do?

Try to soften her up with a big present

So you could go play golf?

- For your information, dad,

It's a little more complicated than that.

- You're an idiot.

Give me that chocolate.

Sit down.

Let me tell you something about women.

You think you got to butter them up

To get what you want.

That is a poor man's game.

"oh, sweetums, here are some flowers.

Can I go to the lodge?"

Not for me.

Not for me!

I don't do that "nice" crap.

- So how do you get what you want?

- I've learned to do without.

- Look, this would have worked

If I'd gotten that stupid tie.

- Oh, you want the tie? I'll take the dvd thing.

- Put that down. You're not taking that.

- Hey! You don't get it, do you?

It's staring you right in the face.

- What?

- You're so worried about your offense,

You didn't play defense.

The question isn't

"why didn't she give me that tie?"

The question is

"why did she give me that dvd thing?"

- What are you talking about?

I'm her husband. She's my wife.

Don't I deserve a great...

- Amateurs.

You're saying that debra got ray a dvd player

Because she wants something from him?

- Of course. Where you been?

- Wait. But that's so weasely.

That's not her. That's--

- You. - Yes.

- Okay, who wants a little hot chocolate?

I heated up the milk

In my new 2-quart saucepan.

Here you go. Here you go.

Thanks again for these pots, ray.

I really love them.

- Hmm.

Oh, I got me a black magic woman.

- Thanks for the golf, raymond.

- Will you shut up about the stupid golf?

There's bigger things here.

- Yeah, like what? - Like, what is she up to?

What's she sucking up to me for?

- Maybe she wants to sleep

With the bagboy from the a&p.

- Yeah, I'm serious, dad.

- Have you seen the bagboy?

- Will you stop?

- Hey, don't shoot the messenger.

- Come on, come on. I got to think.

What does she want? What do women want?

- I think it's the bagboy.

- All right, I'm gonna find out what's up.

- I think his name is larry.

- Hey, deb.

- Raymond, I'm making brownies for later.

Would you like to lick the beater?

- No, no, mom.

Okay, yeah, okay.

Listen, deb, I want to ask you something.

- Yeah, whatever you want, honey.

Mmm, chocolate.

- All right, what's with you today?

- Nothing. It's christmas.

The kids are having fun.

I'm having a nice time with your mom.

I'm just happy.

So what did you want, ray?

- What did I want? What did I want?

- I know what he wants-- walnuts in the brownies.

- Not now, mom, I-- okay, yeah.

All right, here's what I want.

Um, the guys are thinking of going to myrtle beach

For a weekend for golf, and, uh,

I was thinking I want to go with them.

Yeah. How does that grab you?

- For a whole weekend?

- Yeah, a whole week-- a matter of fact,

I think it's a three-day weekend.

So yeah, I feel like going.

I think I'm going to go.

All right?

- Well, that's three days with just me and the kids.

- Yep.

- You should go.

- All right, what's going on?

- What is going on with you?

Give me that.

What is wrong with you?

- I want to know what's going on

With the kissing and the marshmallows

And the letting me play golf

And the big expensive dvd player.

- Is that what this is?

You're worried about how much it cost?

- Yes. What is the cost...

To me?

- What is a dvd player?

- Come on. Not now, mom. Please.

- Is it for pornography?

- Yes, marie,

I got ray a porn machine for christmas.

- I don't like that, debra.

- Look, don't--don't change the subject here.

I don't like being played.

- You think I got you that dvd thing

Because I want something?

- No, because you love me.

Come on, huh?

What is it? What do you want?

- We're waiting.

- I don't want anything.

I was trying to get you something

I thought might make you happy,

Because as a matter of fact,

I do love you and it's christmas

And I wanted to get you a dvd player.

- Oh, uh, well...

Thanks then.

I'm going to go set it up.

- Wait, just--just a minute.

Did you get me those pots

So I would let you play golf?

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Come on.

What? Where's this coming from?

- Unbelievable.

- Oh, that's terrible, raymond.

- You tried to bribe me.

- No, it's not bribing. It's just--

It's getting you something nice

So you would give me something nice, huh?

I got you this engagement ring

So you would marry me.

- Yeah, I fell for that one too.

- We should keep our voices down.

- You know, marie, would you mind?

- But I'm baking.

- I'm trying to talk to my husband.

- Fine, debra.

- Yeah, so what, ray?

Is this what you always do?

Have you ever gotten me a present

Without expecting something in return?

- Yes, yes, plenty of times. - Yeah, yeah.

It's just like the kissing.

You only kiss me 'cause you think it's going to lead to sex.

- Oh, baby, that is not true.

- Oh.

You know, the worst part

Isn't that you're a manipulative jerk.

It's that you think I'm like you.

- No, I don't think you're manipulative.

I think you're pretty.

Come on!

Those could have had walnuts in them.

Look, uh, if it's going to be a problem,

I don't have to golf, all right?

- Is that all you care about?

- No, that's just it. I don't care.

I don't care, all right? I don't care at all.

It's just--it's just...

Robert might hang himself.

- You know what? Oh, I don't care.

I said you could play golf, just go play golf.

- All right, well, thank you.

- Whatever.

- Listen...

If there's something fun that you want to do,

Then you should do it.

- Yep, all right.

- No. Come on, you deserve to have fun too.

- Yeah, okay.

When the kids go to college, I'll see a movie.

- You don't have to wait.

You want to go to the movies? Go.

Go to the movies. Go today if you want.

- Yeah, I'm going to go on christmas.

- Jewish people do.

All right, then you go. Go this weekend.

- Yeah, like that'll happen.

- I'm saying it'll happen. Go to the movies.

Come on. I'll take care of the kids.

I'll take care of everything.

Come on, it'll make me feel better.

I don't want to get

A dvd player and golf and niceness

And you get...Pots.

Come on. Go to the movies.

- Thanks anyway, honey.

- Come on, it's like you don't even want

To go to the movies.

- It's okay.

- Wait a minute.

You want to not go to the movies.

- What?

- Yeah, that's right.

Because then if you go to the movies,

You don't get to say,

"I never get to go to the movies."

- When do I say that?

- You say that all the time.

"I never get to do anything."

And you love that.

You're like one of those whatever you call them.

- A martyr? - Yes.

- I'm not a martyr.

- Then how come I don't help out around here?

- How come you don't help out around here?

- Because you don't want me to!

'cause-- 'cause you want to do it all

Because then you can feel superior.

- You, uh...

- You stammer because you know I speak truth.

- Do you know how close you are

To the end of your life?

- I'm not scared.

I'm not scared because I'm onto something here, hmm?

Like the dvd player. Why?

Why?

Why, after--after years of-- of complaining

That all I do is lay around and watch television

Would you buy me a device

That is designed to make

The television-watching experience even better?

We must ask ourselves...

Why?

- You're right.

Why the hell would I buy you a dvd player?

- You have problems. - I do.

What is wrong with me?

- I do not know.

- I should make you

Help me out more around here.

- Well, it's not like I have nothing to do. I mean--

- No, really. You know, I just--I work too hard.

I don't need to be a martyr.

- I don't think you want to give it up cold turkey.

- You know what? I've been up since 5:00.

I'm going to go take a nap.

- Okay, but what about the christmas dinner?

- Your mom can make it. She wants to anyway.

Listen, would you mind

Straightening up the living room?

And then make sure the kids get washed and dressed, okay?

Thanks, that'd help me out a lot.

- Okay, look, I'll do those things,

But then I get to golf, right?

- Uh, no, I don't think so.

I mean, look.

How could I not think of myself as a martyr

If I'm stuck at home with the kids by myself

While you're out golfing with your buddies?

- You know, about martyrs, a lot of them became saints.

- No, you're right.

And thank you because you really helped me.

This is a great christmas.

- But...

Look, oh...

That's not really what I was talking about.

What are you doing there?

- Dusting.

- Marie, come on. Come here.

- What?

What is it?

- Here.

- For me?

- Yeah. Merry christmas.

- Frank, you already gave me lottery tickets.

- Those were a bust.

Just open it.

- [gasps]

Oh, frank, earrings.

They're beautiful.

Oh, thank you.

- Okay, listen, just one thing.

You didn't get those from me.