Original subtitles

Hey.

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>> [music]

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>> The economy. The economy. The economy.

No, the news is not good. That's why

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>> Tomorrow, the hottest celebrities.

>> Yeah, boy.

>> The biggest movies,

>> Indiana Jones,

>> Indiana, [screaming and groaning]

>> are finally getting what they deserve.

You can control the bullet to go

wherever you want. [music]

>> Disaster movie.

>> Is that your feet?

>> And this is my baby's foot.

>> Related PG-13 in theaters everywhere

tomorrow.

Three best friends on a college road

trip.

>> No parents, no curfew.

>> Welcome to college, boys.

>> We can't show you the joint game.

>> Where we doing body shots off of? Great

question. [screaming]

>> We can't show you the sex.

>> To stay in my place. I don't have to

worry about my mom walking in.

>> And we definitely can't show you.

>> What's your step pre

>> whatever this is

>> college? A lot hairier than I thought

you'd be.

>> Rated R. Only in theaters tomorrow.

>> I think I've had enough of that show.

Delete.

>> Hey, what are you doing? I don't want

Robot Chicken on the DVR anymore.

>> Oh, I love Robot Chicken.

>> It's all farting and

>> Well, I like it.

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>> Are you a killer, Mr. T?

>> Yes. Tomorrow.

Vin Diesel Babylon AD PG-13. The New

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>> Jason Stathithm, Tyrese Gibson, Ian

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>> Death Race rated R. Now play.

>> Critics and audiences everywhere are

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season,

>> it's the Sundance [screaming] smash hit

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>> Steve Kugan's breakthrough star

performance is sensational.

>> Is he acting?

>> No, he's not that good.

>> Catherine Kener is dazzling.

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>> Elizabeth Shu is hilarious.

>> The Karate Kid, the crane.

>> From the producers of Little Miss

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>> Thanks, Jesus.

>> Hamlet 2.

>> [music]

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>> But I'm not

sure

about the show.

That's weird. Why is there a Domino's

guy here? I'll take care of this. Hi. I

have an oven baked sandwich for Steve.

>> Yeah, I'm Steve, but why would I order a

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>> Wrap this up.

>> Stay tuned for more

>> scenario.

>> Unbelievable. on September 5th.

The only way out is to break all the

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This is what I do.

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>> Three best friends on a college road

trip. No parents, no curfew.

>> Welcome to college, boys.

>> We can't show you the drinking.

>> Who are we doing body shots off of?

Great question. [screaming]

>> We can't show you the sex.

>> Great to stay in my life. I don't have

to worry about my mom walking in.

>> And we definitely can't show you

>> what's your step pre

>> whatever this is.

College.

>> A lot hairier than I thought you'd be.

>> Rated R. Only in theaters tomorrow.

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>> He wrote Hamlet 2, the world's most

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going to help him fight the system.

>> No one is shutting down this play. You

want to hit me? I'm destroying

everybody.

>> It's dementedly hilarious. I'm

>> glad I'm getting hammered.

>> Hamlet 2, rated R.

>> A moon enslaved,

a world in chaos. One man must rise to

the challenge and sever the chain.

Multi-party gameplay like none you've

seen before.

Infinite undiscovery. Rated T14.

>> Are you a killer, Mr. Tulop?

>> Yes. Tomorrow.

Vin Diesel.

He can change the world.

Babylon AD. Ready PG-13. Tomorrow only

in theaters. [music]

>> [music]

[music]

>> This is disgusting. Uh-oh. It looks like

Jason has the lice.

>> I think the lice have Jason.

>> Lice is disgusting. Oh, yuck.

>> What exactly are lice?

>> They're little bugs that live in your

hair.

>> How do you get rid of them? Well, you

can put this powder on your head or you

can use this special shampoo and drown

them.

>> Drown them? Really? Is that ethical?

>> They're parasites, Brandon. They're not

supposed to be there.

>> Oh, well.

>> Thumbs up, guys. I got the lice.

>> Ew.

>> Well, you're up, Melissa. And I'll um

see you two later. I have to get home.

>> Um, wish me luck, Brendan.

>> Good luck. Hey, Jason. Wait.

>> I probably shouldn't um stand right next

to you because if you don't have the

lights, you'll probably get it from me.

>> That's fine with me. But wait, can I ask

you? Do you you get to go home because

of the lies?

>> Yes, Brendon. The nurse said I have

several different species of lice in my

head.

>> Right.

>> She said um they practically form their

own ecosystem.

>> Right. Yeah. But you get to go home.

>> Um Brendon, I have an ecosystem living

in my head.

>> Yes.

>> Okay.

>> So, bye-bye.

>> Oh, gross. I'm sorry, honey.

>> Oh, throw up.

>> What? I don't have lace, do I? Princess

darling, you have like a million lice on

your hand.

>> No.

>> I'm sorry, Angel. I'm sorry. Go home

now.

>> I don't want the light.

>> Next, please. Who's next?

>> How do you do?

>> Good. Good. Why don't you hop up on the

chair here, honey?

>> Yes. Anything moving around in there?

>> I don't see much of anything really.

>> You look good. [laughter]

>> Did you even look?

>> Um, yes, I did.

>> Cuz that didn't take any time at all.

>> The next one, please. Next. Yes.

>> Sorry. No, I just uh I just accidentally

dropped this here. Why don't you uh

>> I get another check as a

>> You need your mom to come pick you up.

You'll confirm. Um, I also like the

check.

>> Okay, I need to see the

>> I think I was misdiagnosed.

>> Can I have their passes to go home?

>> Next, please.

>> Lucky S.

>> Brendan, listen to this. It's a speech

for the assembly that's coming up.

>> Okay, [clears throat]

>> I see. Brendan, I need a strong team

next season, you know, instead of what I

have, which is you and a dozen other

kids who hate soccer and can't play at

all.

>> I'm all ears.

>> Let's see here. All right, everyone,

quiet down. Listen up. I'm not here to

joke around. The name's Mgherk. Soccer's

my game. That could be rewritten,

Brendon. That part right there. Right.

>> Anyway, uh hey, what do you kids think

I'm joking here? I said shut up. All

right. How'd everybody like to go to the

principal's office?

>> Okay. You know, you're starting out just

a little defensive. A

>> little too negative on the uh

>> I I just feel like you could risk

alienating the audience.

>> It's just that you I read a book that

said write what you know.

>> Right. Right. No, I mean

>> and then it it also said write how you

normally speak. I'll tell you it sounds

very natural, but um you know, you want

new players. This could scare them off a

little bit. You know, catch more flies

with honey uh thing, you know.

>> Yeah. What are you uh saying?

>> Just start a little uh possibly nicer

>> on an up note. Yeah.

>> Yeah.

>> Well, I felt I did start on an up note.

I said quiet down and I had a lot of

energy when I said that, Brendan.

>> Yeah. It's not you. The energy is

definitely there. It's just um

>> coach.

>> Uh-huh.

>> Sorry I mispracticed the other day. I

have a note from the nurse.

>> Let me say that when you sick.

>> Lice.

>> Did you say yes?

>> Lice. I can't hear you, Melissa. Did you

say yes?

>> She had lice, coach.

>> Yeah,

>> she had lice. You have lice?

>> Yes. What?

>> Those little parasitical bugs. Shucks. I

forgot coach. You know, I think I've got

lice, too. And I I better go to the

nurse.

>> Nurse. I thought she quit.

>> No, the new nurse coach. She's good. And

she's way prettier than Mrs. Briman.

>> Really?

>> Mhm.

>> Well, Mrs. Briman was not pretty. We all

agree on that, right?

>> Yes.

>> Well, perhaps I should uh bring that

note, Melissa, to uh her. Check it out.

Okay.

>> Maybe if you had the lice, maybe the

coach has a little case of the lice,

too. No. I mean, you never know. Jumping

bugs, right?

>> Yeah.

>> So, a bug could have just jumped on me

right now.

>> I don't have it anymore.

>> Well, how do you know?

>> Okay. Who knows what biology is?

>> Is that a book about someone's life?

>> Yes, Melissa. Very good. Uh, it is a No,

wait. It's not a book about someone's

life. That's a biography.

Biology is the study of your body. well

and other living things too. For

example, with us, the most important uh

thing to learn about us is the heart. A

lot of people think, you know, the heart

is where the heart is. Um, it is. It's

exactly there. And, um, anyway,

>> oh, what's the matter?

>> Oh, the tummy.

>> Oh, boy. Oh,

>> everybody have a nice day. I'm going to

the nurse and going home. Good luck. be

able to stretch them across America and

be in all three time zones.

>> Excuse me, Mr. Lynch.

>> Brendan, you have a question about

biology?

>> Uh, yeah. Oh, boy. Uh, what does it mean

when your stomach feels like it's going

to explode? [clears throat]

>> Cuz uh

>> Okay. Well, you should go to the nurse

and have this checked out.

>> Yeah.

>> Well, here, take the pass, but I I want

you to tell us what happens to you there

as a uh a study in class. Biology.

Everybody,

>> biology.

>> That's very good. And it's very good to

uh speak in uh unison. What are we

speaking in class? Everybody

>> unison,

>> right?

>> Okay, Brendan. Uh take off.

>> Okay, sweetie. Why don't you hop off the

table for me?

>> Uh sweetie,

>> what

>> did you just call me sweetie?

>> Oh, I guess I did.

>> Yeah, you um you definitely did.

>> Listen, Jason, I want you to try washing

more often. That's going to keep all of

your open sores and scratches from

getting infected.

>> Uh, nurse Kirk, my that perfume you're

wearing is intoxicating.

>> Oh, that's very nice of you.

>> Oh, Mike, I touched my arm.

>> Are you okay?

>> Yes, nurse. Correct me.

>> Look, I want you to start taking better

care of yourself.

>> You do?

>> Yes, because you, sweetheart, are a

breeding ground for bacteria. [snorts]

>> Sorry.

>> That's fine. How embarrassing.

>> Nothing to be ashamed of.

>> Look, Nurse Kirkman. Uh, let's have a

talk.

>> Okay.

>> Um, let me first say I think

>> Hello. Hey, Jason.

>> Brendan, what are you doing here?

>> I'm

>> um Why don't you go?

>> I'm sick.

>> Okay, so go home. Get very quick soon,

Brendon. Bye.

>> Um,

>> okay, fine.

Nurse. Um, good day.

>> H, that was abrupt.

>> I see you have a pass.

>> All right. Of course. Ow.

My stomach is bleeding. Ow.

>> You're experiencing pain.

>> Are you joking? Pain isn't a descriptive

enough word for what's going on down

here. It's more like u severe

uh pain.

>> Okay. Mind if I take your temperature?

>> This if you have to. I mean, if you

can't take my word.

>> 98.6. You're fine. Brendan, I'll tell

you, I've seen a lot of fakers in my

time.

>> I'm not faking.

>> Yes, you are.

>> Uh hello. Hi. I'm uh [clears throat]

Coach Mcgherk.

>> Hello.

>> Hey, Coach.

>> Brendan, are you sick?

>> No.

>> Yes. No.

>> I uh figured I'd drop by, introduce

myself to uh to you. Brendan, I know

you. So, get out.

>> Like I said, I'm Coach McGherk, and you

are the new nurse. Am I right?

>> That's right.

>> Thus, the outfit, [laughter]

I guess. Uh, I just wanted to meet you

because soccer's a rough game. A lot of

cuts and bruises, so I'll be sending a

lot of business your way your way.

>> Well, hopefully I'll send him right back

out at you.

>> Well, I uh think we already have a great

rapport. [laughter]

>> I think I'm actually sick now.

>> So, you know, uh, Jen, I can call you

Jen, right?

>> Yeah.

>> Cuz we're at a bar and I don't want to

call you nurse,

>> right? I actually am a person when I

leave school. So,

>> yeah. And you know what? I Well, I'm

not. But I get your point,

>> right?

>> Listen, what can I get you? You want a

beer or do you want a

>> uh No, just a soda.

>> You want a hard liquor? You want a like

a

>> uh No, just a soda.

>> All right, whatever. Listen, uh here.

Cheers. Let me welcome you to uh to the

neighborhood.

>> Yeah, I certainly appreciate this.

>> Yeah. And uh let's do this. Ready?

Action.

>> Uh patient is suffering from a hematova

in the left uh right ventricle medical.

According to this, the epiglatus is

submerged in the aortic chamberal

esophagusal chamber. We'll have to

operate. How are you?

>> Horrible

>> feeling.

>> Horrible.

>> Okay, then it's settled. We operate.

>> The longer you wait, the worse chances I

have.

>> Could you anesthetize her?

>> Gladly. How much should I give her,

doctor?

>> I don't know. A million. 2 million.

>> Two million. I can't afford that.

>> Million and a half. Million and a half

worth of anesthesia coming up.

>> Great. She's dead. Oops. Nice job,

doctor. Well, time of death is 7:30. I'm

hungry. Let's eat.

>> No. Oh, no. Not on my shift. No, no, no,

no, no, no. We can save her. Inject her

with

um

>> syringe.

>> The syringe,

>> right? But put something inside it. 5

billion cc's of adrenaline. Um, don't

you think that's a little steep, sir?

Doctor,

>> I'm the doctor.

>> Okay,

>> I'm alive.

>> Oh, good. We'll bill you later.

>> So, I said, you want it clean, huh? You

want it clean? YOU CLEAN IT. CLEAN IT

YOURSELF. CLEAN IT YOURSELF. AND I have

not seen my mother since that point.

>> Um, wow.

>> You know what Darwin said that we, you

know, I'm talking about men, right?

>> We're trying to date our mothers. I've

heard that.

>> It got me thinking. Am I trying to date

my mother? You know, I mean, my my

mother can't stand me and I can't stand

my mother. And uh that relationship has

been reliving itself through other women

for my whole life. You believe that?

>> Right. No. Um

>> but anyway, you're pretty like my mother

is.

>> Oh,

this is funny. Anybody can become a

soccer coach.

>> Like they don't regulate. You have to

get it like a degree, right?

>> I do have.

>> And so you're qualified.

>> Very.

>> Yeah. I'm not.

>> Yeah.

>> Which is amazing. It is amazing

>> that you could become a coach of a sport

that you don't even care about. You

don't know how to play. You're not good

with kids.

>> Yeah.

>> I But I have had the job for 3 years.

>> Yeah. You

>> I mean cuz it You'd think they'd check

up and evaluate, but they don't.

>> Well, so you tired

>> a little bit. Yeah.

>> Yeah. Well, we can stay, right? I mean,

you're going to hang it in there, right?

You're going to We're in this for the

long haul.

>> I might just finish up this soda and

then

>> Right. Right. Right. Right. Me, too. Me,

too. I'm going to do that, too. I'll

finish my drink and then we'll uh I'll

take you home or something.

>> Let me Let me give you a ride. You

shouldn't drive.

>> Mm- No, I should drive. I should drive.

>> You're a little

>> Oh, you're right. I got the rubber legs.

>> Yeah.

>> All right. So, maybe you'll drive.

>> Okay.

>> Remember when I was yelling about my

mother?

>> Uh, yeah. I think everyone here

remembers.

>> Is that weird?

Well, this is uh this is me.

>> Yeah. Uh well, get some rest.

>> And this is me.

>> Well, um

>> hey, you know, um I hope that you had a

nice time tonight because I certainly

did. You're very nice. You don't say

much.

>> Yeah,

>> which is fine. I don't like talkers.

>> Oh, thanks for the welcome.

>> And um so you should come in.

Listen.

>> Well, the thing is I

>> I could just

>> bought this new coffee grinder.

>> Okay.

>> Have you heard of Arabica?

>> Uh, never.

>> It's a type of coffee which apparently

is amazing.

>> I I don't

>> And um it supposedly has like almost

hallucinogenic effects.

>> Definitely wouldn't.

>> I know you're a nurse and you probably

don't get into that kind of stuff, but I

do. And I could drink the coffee and

hallucinate. You could watch me. Oh. And

I could put on I have a I have a reggae

album collection.

>> Rest.

>> Listen, I'm going to go.

>> You don't want to come in and

>> I'll see you at school tomorrow. Thanks,

though. Thanks.

>> Whoa, whoa, whoa. Easy. I don't want you

to That's a little flabby around the

midsection.

>> Okay.

>> It's embarrassing. I'm not a young man

anymore like I used to be. I was firm a

couple years ago.

>> Okay. I better get

>> Now my metabolism changed. I couldn't

stop that.

>> I better get going.

>> You get fat, lady. You get fat.

>> Yep.

>> That's what you do.

>> Yep. Are you sure you don't want to come

in right now?

>> No.

[music]

>> Somebody's uh thirsty today.

>> I'm not thirsty, Lynch. I'm uh I'm

dehydrated.

>> Dehydrated.

>> Yeah, it's a big difference. Well, you

know, I have to tell you this, but I

noticed that you and the nurse left

together after school yesterday.

>> That's right. We did. Yes.

>> You two uh have fun.

>> Yeah, we had fun. We had fun, I guess.

>> What do you guys do?

>> You ask a lot of questions, Lynch, huh?

What are you in love with her?

>> No. No. She's a very nice woman, though.

>> Well, we did. So, you saw. So, big deal.

So, what of it?

>> Well, we have a community here, and uh I

saw something happening in the

community, and I thought I'd uh ask you

about it.

>> Look, Lynch, I don't remember what

happened. All right. But I think it was

good. I think it went well.

>> Mhm.

>> I'll tell you this. I I think uh her and

I will be seeing each other again soon.

>> Mhm.

>> You know, it also means hands off. You

know what I'm saying?

>> Hands off.

>> Yeah.

>> H

>> I'm going to lay it on the line with you

right now, Lynch. All right.

>> Well, and typically I wouldn't do this

because I don't like you and I don't

like talking to you.

>> Mhm.

>> But the point is here, me and nurse

Kirkman are together. We're an item.

>> Mhm.

>> You're a smart guy, right?

>> You know what to do. You know what's

right? You keep away.

>> Oh, this is revoling. I had no idea how

many diseases there were.

>> Tell me about it.

>> Like this. Uh, scurvy. I think they

might seriously have that.

>> Brendan, you don't have scurvy. Only

pirates get scurvy.

>> The pirates and me. Wait, write that

down. That's a good movie title.

>> H.

>> Oh, take this book away from me. Yeah, I

can't look at it anymore. I feel like I

have every disease in here. Actually,

you do look a little more pasty than

usual.

>> Yeah, Brendon had your eyes look glassy.

>> I I feel pasty and glassy. I'm going to

lie down.

>> Jason, what are you drawing?

>> Oh, it's a picture of me and the nurse.

I got to tell her how I feel, but I

mean, what if she doesn't like me and

then I get burned?

>> Jason, there are ways to tell if a woman

likes you.

>> Please, there's no actual way to tell.

>> Brennon, stop. I need to hear this.

>> Does she call you cute names? Oh my god,

she does.

>> Does she laugh at your jokes?

>> Uh, yeah, she does.

>> Does it seem like she tries to find ways

to touch you while she's talking to you?

>> When she's examining, maybe she touches

me while she has a glove on.

>> H. Well, then I think she likes you.

>> Really? Well, um, what do I do?

>> Well, you have to do something before

she loses interest. Cuz women are

fickle.

>> What's um fickle?

>> It means they lose interest easily.

>> Yeah. Maybe I should uh buy her

something. A gift.

>> That's always good. something a nurse

would want like um

>> a thermometer.

>> H

>> and you could write a cute note like you

get my temperature rising or something.

>> That's clever. Kind of

>> morning. Hey, good coffee.

>> Well, thank you.

>> Did you make it?

>> Yes, I No, but I helped change the uh

bottle for the water cooler thing. Uh

>> Oh, okay. So, I uh I understand there's

uh you and uh you and Mgherk are uh you

know seeing each other, right?

>> What? No. No.

>> Well, that's uh that's the way he puts

it.

>> No, not at all. Lynch, let me tell you,

the other night when we went out, I had

to drive him home because he was so

drunk and he passed out and I had to

push him out of the car. [laughter]

>> Yeah.

>> Uh wild. Hello. Hi there.

>> Hi.

>> Uh, can I talk to you for a second?

>> Okay.

>> I just um wanted to uh thank you for the

other night and I'm looking forward to

doing that again. You know, let's not

fool ourselves here. It was special. I

felt it. So did you. So, uh, all right.

Here we go. Let the games begin. All

right. So, we'll, uh, we'll talk later

then. And you, I see what you're doing.

And hands off. All right.

Do you want me to talk to him?

>> Oh, no, no, no. I've handled these

situations before.

>> You know what? Say no more. I know him

and it really

>> No, seriously. Don't make a big deal out

of it.

>> Come on, PULL IT TOGETHER NOW. TRAP THE

BALL. TRAP IT. SH.

>> I'm sorry. Can you do that quieter?

>> Brendan, get in there for Jeremy.

>> Oh, coach. I I can't. I feel terrible.

>> I don't care. Get in there.

>> Can't fool me. Jeremy out. Brendan in.

>> No way. Coach.

>> Hey, Mgherk. Lynch, you lost, huh? You

want a map?

>> No thanks. Um, you got a minute? I uh

just wanted to tell you something. The

nurse uh I talked to the nurse and I

think you uh Well, I mean, I've spoken

to her.

>> Look, Lynch, you got something to say

about me and the nurse. Say it.

>> All right. Okay. All right.

>> You know what?

>> Well,

>> forget it. Don't say it. Just go. Get

out of here.

>> All I'm telling saying is uh um Oh, hi

Brendan. H Brendan doesn't look uh Well,

um let me uh preface this by first

saying, "Well, you aren't going to like

what follows." The preface.

>> Jason, you seem clean today. What did

you accidentally fall in the tub?

>> I um think it's a good time to tell you

something.

>> Sure.

>> I wrote it down here. Hold on one

second.

Okay. Okay. Nurse, beautiful swan.

>> All right, we got to talk. Uh,

>> we're kind of in the middle of

>> Why do I have to find out from Lynch

that we're not, you know, together?

>> What?

>> I want answers right now.

>> Okay. Well, actually, really, we're not

together.

>> Oh, great. So, uh, that's it then? Uh,

what about the other night? That meant

nothing to you.

>> Oh god.

>> Um, what night? Not now, JASON. I'LL

KILL YOU.

>> KID, I got no beef with you.

>> You passed out of my car. That's it.

>> Hey, what? That's not something.

>> Jason, stop. Hey. Uh, I was going out to

get a salad and uh, but Girk. Oh, and

uh, well, I can see it's a bad time. If

you want one, I'll Okay, thank you.

Look, I got a reputation. All right.

Nobody knows about my reputation, but

uh, not being interested in me is not

going to help.

>> Okay. Right. Um, you're going to have to

leave now.

>> I think I'm dying.

>> Brendan, no. I don't have time for you

right now. Well,

>> maybe you have time for this.

[music]

I feel horrible for real for the first

time since I've been faking. And I guess

the purpose of this documentary is so I

can study it and learn how to fake

better and grow as a faker. So I can

enjoy the free time when being sent home

rather than throwing up every 5 seconds,

which incidentally isn't terribly

relaxing. Um

>> Brendan, you're supposed to be relaxing.

>> Mom, no, not now. I

>> No, Brendan. The doctor said it was

psychossematic or stress related or

menopausal was something. I wasn't

paying attention.

>> Stress related. Stress related.

>> Right. So, you have to relax.

>> You've done it this time, Brendon.

>> You're really sick. Are you happy now?

>> Um, yeah. I appreciate the irony.

>> Can I get you anything?

>> You can get me a bucket and some Darvon.

>> Brendan, mommy ate the bucket of Darvon

for lunch, but I'm making soup. Do you

want some soup?

>> Yeah, I guess so. What kind?

>> Okay. Hey, I was bluffing actually. I I

thought you were sick to your stomach.

>> Well, um

>> Brendan,

>> what

>> did I ever tell you? I used to get these

terrible stress headaches in college.

>> You went to college?

>> Oh, whoops. Cats out of the bag. No, but

I would get these headaches,

>> right? So, what would you do?

>> I'd scream at my roommates to be quiet.

>> But they were loud.

>> They were idiots

>> and loud.

>> Oh, and

>> they were loud idiots.

>> Oh,

>> you know, I should call them.

>> Why is that? Well, to find out what's

become of them, how they're doing, you

know, because you need to keep in touch

and find out what's become of the people

who were once in your life so that you

can measure your life against their life

and see who won.

>> Oh, but

>> and I am way ahead.

>> Yeah. Can you pass me that bucket,

please?

>> All right, quiet down and listen up. Uh,

I'm not joking around here. Name is

Mgherk and soccer's the game. We need

new players for next season. So, if you

don't suck at soccer, you come to my

office tomorrow and talk to me and I

will be there. I won't be there

tomorrow, but just come to my office.

I'll set it up. And uh while I have your

attention today, I thought I'd like to

uh dispel any rumors that might be

circulating about me. I would never ever

date any faculty members. Even if they

begged me to date them, I would say no

unless they really begged. But they

would have to beg a lot in the next 60

seconds or they blew it.

[clears throat]

59

58

57

56

Okay.

>> You know, Jason, I thought about what

you said and um I would like to be your

girlfriend.

>> Really?

>> Yes. But not until you're 30. Okay.

Until then, it's going to have to be

strictly professional.

>> So, um, if you wait till I'm 30, that'll

make you like 60 something.

>> Yep. 60some.

>> That doesn't thrill me.

>> 26. Last chance. 25. I know. I got to

finish.

24

23

22

22

22 two

and 21 Come on, take a look at this.

[music] You can't pass it up. One eight.

On the next Assy McGee, a perverted

pegle pirate is flashing his long john

silver. A highly

pretty. Somebody's going down.

>> What? Ow.

Damn it. A

>> body.

>> New Assassie McGee.

>> Sad. You can't get an erection.

>> That's not true, Chief. Tonight at

12:30, The Swim.

>> My name is Justine Davis and I am a

forensic firearms examiner. I am a

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life.

>> Tim and Eric, awesome show. Great job on

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commentary.

Lots of extra stuff that you've never

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job is for you. So go to the store and

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>> In stores now.

>> It's on DVD.

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Hi, God here. So, I was all set to

destroy the world when I thought, "Hey,

I'm not that kind of God. If just one

soul could show me it's worth saving,

I'd spare it." And being a sporting

deity, [music]

I let the devil choose. So, folks, meet

your last chance for salvation.

Wow, this is good beer.

Oh, boy. Well, folks, I wouldn't make

any long-term plans. [music]

>> [music]

>> Detroit.

>> 45 minutes. I know I have all eternity,

but this is just rude.

>> [crying]

>> There you are.

>> Hey, God.

>> I'd just about given up on you.

>> When have I ever let you down?

>> Recently.

>> Can we just look at the cars?

>> How are things in hell?

>> How are things in hell? It's a festering

pit of agony and despair.

>> Oh, I put in a koi pond.

>> Good for you.

>> They all died.

>> You check your filter.

I did everything the guy told me. I

can't keep fish.

>> Well, fish are hard. Get a parakeet.

Nothing kills those things.

>> Yeah. [music]

>> Oh, look at this

>> nice place you've created here.

>> Yeah.

>> Yeah, that's it. You're not going to

come back at me with little Timmy Taylor

who gave his sainted nana his last

kidney.

>> No.

I've got to tell you more and more these

days.

>> What? You can tell me.

>> Sometimes I think about chucking the

whole thing and starting over. I can't

tell you how glad I am to hear you say

that. I know it was hard, but I think

it's the first step. [music]

>> Hey, Mike, pitch me a rivet.

Ow.

>> Any idea where this came from?

>> Looks like a half-inch hex head. Most of

those come from Pontiac, don't they,

Mike?

>> Go ahead and have your fun, Almond. I

know it was you. If I write you up one

more time, your ass is mine.

>> Jack, I'm flattered and well, curious,

of course.

>> SHUT UP AND GET BACK TO WORK.

>> You know you have an attractive build

for a portly man. You better ease up on

him.

>> You're right. I don't know where all

this hostility comes from. Maybe it's

time I got some help.

[sighs]

>> Thank you, Dr. Hops.

Destroying the world. What a wonderful

gift. I shall get you something. Do you

have a clock radio?

>> I don't know. It has a snooze alarm.

>> Maybe I should give them one more

chance.

>> What?

No. No. [screaming]

>> Well, I think I owe them that much. If

just one soul could show me that they're

worth saving.

>> How can you do this? You know I have

trust issues.

>> I'll tell you what, just to be fair, you

choose anyone in the whole world.

>> Really? Okay. Um, that guy,

>> Bob Alman,

not my best work.

Okay, a deal's a deal.

>> And if he fails, you'll destroy the

whole thing.

>> Yes. You can't tease me like with the

flood.

>> When are you going to let that go? Deal.

>> I hate when we do this.

[music]

>> Hi, I'm your maker and this is the evil

one. I have a proposition for you.

>> Get lost.

>> I understand you're skeptical. You want

to see some proof. Fair enough. Watch

this.

Huh?

Huh? Boy, how many are down there?

>> Look, Sig Freed, take Roy here and go

pedal your act to someone who gives a

rat's ass.

>> Fine. Fine. You want to play hard ball,

we'll play hard ball.

>> [music]

>> Did [music] you see what I just saw?

>> What?

>> Oh, pull your pants up, Ronnie.

>> Uh, so God, what are you drinking?

Lightbeer.

>> Triple margarita on the rocks. No salt.

Now, here's the deal. I'm very

disappointed in the world. I'm I'm

thinking of destroying the whole thing,

but I'd really rather not. Now, you show

me that the world's worth saving, and

I'll spare it.

>> Wow, that sounds like a lot of work.

>> Well, yeah, but you'd be saving the

world.

>> Uh-huh. Well, I I got that part, but

what's in it for me?

>> I knew I made the right choice.

>> Look, if you don't want the job, I can

save us all a lot of trouble and destroy

it right now.

>> Whoa. Whoa. Okay, I'll do it. I'll save

the world.

>> That's all I'm asking.

>> So, what exactly is it that I'm supposed

to do?

>> You don't know?

>> Well, sure. I No.

>> Oh, for you. You people. This isn't new

stuff. It's written down in books,

scrolls, stone tablets. What do you want

me to do? Scribble it on a bar napkin

for you?

>> Would you? Because that would really

help. You're on your own, Bob. Don't

disappoint me.

>> Well, that's a little unfair.

>> You're preaching [snorts] to the choir,

my friend.

[music]

>> You're in an up mood.

>> I feel good, Smeg. I really do. The

world will soon be ours. Well, mine. But

you're free to wallow in my glory.

>> Thank you. You wretched miss

again.

H.

>> If his nibs wants [music] to hitch man's

fate to this clown, Alman, I don't have

to spread myself so thin. All I have to

do is destroy Bob and the world is

destroyed with him. We have work to do,

my loathome [music] toad.

>> Evil work?

>> No. Knitting, of course. Evil work. Oh

boy.

>> Now shut up and let me think.

>> So, what are we going to do? Boil him in

oil? Eviscerate his organs? Give him

really dry skin. You know, the itchy

kind.

I'll wait

one more time.

[sighs]

[music]

>> Everyone's spreading the rumor all over

school that I slept with Dylan.

>> What? Megan? Who would say such a

horrible thing?

>> Well, me. But I was just trying to shock

Jennifer.

>> So, you started the rumor.

>> You're missing the point, Mom. I can't

trust my best friend

>> with your lies. Are we just going to

keep going round about this? Are you

going to call the principal and tell him

I'm dropping out of the seventh grade?

>> You'll never guess who I ran into today.

>> You are not staying home on Monday.

>> I can't walk into that snake pit.

>> God Almighty.

>> You brought it on yourself, Megan.

>> The God Almighty. I won't give them the

satisfaction of showing up. I'm through

with school.

>> Back here, Megan.

>> He told me that the world is in big

trouble and he wants me

>> now. Bob

>> Andy, I met God today.

>> Cool. Did he have special powers?

>> Did he? God is the most powerful being

in the universe.

>> Can he turn his arm into a missile

launcher like Megalore? Well, I saw him

make himself 100 ft tall,

>> but no missiles.

>> No,

>> Donna. I swear I saw him with my own

eyes.

>> Uhhuh. Just like the UFO you saw when we

were camping.

>> Hey, you can't tell me that the

government has a helicopter that can

veer sideways with that kind of

velocity.

>> It was a firefly.

>> Donna, this is serious. God has

literally put the fate of mankind in my

hands.

And these would be the same hands that

are inching up my nighty.

>> That's just a little confidence builder.

>> Good night, Bob.

>> Okay, God's depending on me. I have to

throw myself into this with everything

I've got. Do you have the Bible on

video?

>> No.

What about showg girls? Well, that's 20

minutes of my life I'll never get back.

Ah, God. What are you doing here?

Pop-Tarts. They're incredible. pastry

from a toaster. It's so convenient.

>> Whoa, whoa. What? Are you just going to

be able to appear in my house anytime

you want? Because I think that you

should know there are times that I'm

naked.

>> You know what else I like? Space food

sticks. Whatever happened to them?

>> Look, I think you made a mistake

choosing me to save the world. I'm not

the man for the job. I drink. I swear. I

download porn off the internet. And I

mean a lot.

>> Dad,

>> don't worry. You're the only one who can

see me.

>> Hi, Dad. Hi, guard.

>> Darn it. I always have trouble with

kids.

>> And what about the devil?

>> What about him?

>> Well, I can't imagine that he's a

neutral party in this. Is he going to

come after me?

>> Oh, probably. He does that. Don't worry

about Andy. A long time ago, Lucifer and

I made a deal. I get them till they're

12. He gets them till they're 20.

>> Homework sucks. I need a beer.

>> No, not until you're 16. I see what you

mean.

>> Bob, you better get on it. The clock is

ticking.

ticking. I didn't hear any ticking.

>> Almond seems like a harmless boob. And

yet,

>> did you hear ticking, sir?

>> It was probably this.

>> Oh, I hear it now.

>> Sir, what?

>> Do you smell something burning?

>> If I hadn't promised your mother.

>> Bob, there's too many people. This is

scaring me. Look, I'm sorry, Donna, but

near as I can tell, I'm some kind of a

prophet. I've done a little research,

and apparently, this is what we do.

Gather a multitude and yell at them. I'm

glad so many of you showed up.

>> Where's the free beer?

>> I'm offering you something better.

Salvation.

>> Is that a kind of beer?

>> No, no, no. I'm I'm not offering any

kind of liquor.

[cheering]

>> [music]

>> Hi, son. Reverend Nat Patterson. Come on

in. Sit down.

So, what can I do for you?

>> Well, I have an idea for a TV show.

>> Well, as long as it has a spiritual

message. Uh, don't be afraid to get up

[music] under that towel, honey. What's

your idea, son? Nutshell it for me.

>> Uh, well, we have a host. someone like

yourself and people call in and well

basically tell stories about God.

>> Sort of a tellathon for the Lord.

>> Exactly.

>> It's not bad.

So, uh after they tell their stories, we

flash a 900 number in the audience votes

on the best story. $2 a call. We pull in

a quick 10 million or so.

>> No, we don't charge any money.

>> Excuse me. We

>> We just do it to show God how much we

like him.

Okay. Saving the world. What else have I

got?

Gee, thought I had more. Could you push

H for me?

>> Yeah, sure. Oh. Uh, hi. Uh, you know, I

I left something on another floor.

>> I think you may have gotten the wrong

impression of me the other day, and I

wanted another chance to chat.

Here we are. See, this whole good and

evil thing is really a big

misunderstanding.

A long, long time ago, we were both so

young. I said some things. They got

taken out of context. 5,000 years later,

I'm the bad guy. Let me tell you, he's

got some skeletons, BUT FOR SOME REASON,

he's always gotten better ink than me.

I've never gone after my attackers. I

suppose I should have, but it's just not

my style.

>> Uh, yeah, look, I really should be. He

talks about how disappointed he is in

man's shortcomings. But whose fault is

that? Really. Man was made in his image

and likeness.

>> Well, uh, you've certainly given me a

lot to chew on.

>> I can do things for you, Bob. Big

things. There must be something you've

always wanted.

>> Really, it can be anything.

>> Anything.

>> I've always wanted to play for the Red

Wings.

>> You start for them tonight. Your 3:00 is

here.

>> DAMN IT, SMECK. CLOSE THE DOOR.

>> SORRY. [screaming]

>> What was that?

>> What was what?

>> I heard horrible screams.

>> No, you didn't.

>> But there was a

>> No, there wasn't.

>> Uh, look, I really should be going.

>> What about the Red Wings?

>> Yeah, maybe some other time. Thanks.

>> Listen, you little worm. He's not the

only one with power. You better wise up

fast and realize who your real friends

are.

[screaming]

What do YOU WANT FROM ME, GOD? I HAD IT.

I REALLY HAD IT. You're supposed to be a

benevolent God. Let's look at the

record. You're vague. You're unknowable.

You're unreliable. You let good people

suffer and lousy people prosper. YOU

CALL YOURSELF A FATHER. YOU'RE MORE LIKE

A DEADBEAT DAD.

>> YEAH, that hellish vortex [music] stuff

is no picnic. I'm in over my head here,

Mike. I don't have a clue what to do. I

just wish I had some sort of a what? A

sign?

>> A sign would be nice.

>> Help me out.

>> Leave me alone. Wait, it's you, isn't

it?

>> Yeah.

>> No, I mean it's you, right?

Right.

>> Oh man, I'm sorry for those things I

said out in the field. I was just

blowing off steam. Look, I need your

help. You never really told me what I

was supposed to do to save humanity.

What should I do?

>> Give me five bucks.

>> What? Wait, I get it. One step at a

time. Do what I can. Help the needy.

Right.

>> Right.

>> And this will save the world.

>> Better make it 10.

>> Dylan. Dylan, don't say that. Dylan,

[gasps]

>> what happened?

>> Dylan called me a [ __ ] He hates me.

>> Oh, sweetie.

>> This is all your fault. [laughter]

>> Honey, I saved the world.

>> Now, Bob.

>> Andy, I saved the world.

>> Cool, Dad.

>> And here's my reward.

Watch out, Vendela. Tyrus stole your

towel. She may need a spanking.

>> Oh, good. You're on it.

>> Bob, we have to talk.

>> Oh, come on. They were roughousing.

>> Okay. What do you want from me? I did

what you asked.

>> What are you talking about?

>> In the bar. The wino. I gave you the

money. Wasn't that you?

>> You can't buy your way out of this. Then

what do you want me to do?

>> Very simple. Prove to me that human

beings are worth saving.

>> Well, how am I supposed to do that?

>> I think you know.

>> God damn.

>> Careful.

>> You know, did it ever occur to you that

the reason that we're such a big

disappointment to you might be your

fault? I mean, we were made in your

image and likeness, weren't we?

>> You got that from him, didn't you?

>> Maybe. Well, I got a million things to

do.

>> Wait, wait. God. God,

screw it. Let him destroy the world.

I've had it.

>> I'm at my wit's end with her. She's

locked herself in a room and she won't

come out. And I don't know what to do

with her. I can't.

>> It's okay, honey. Don't cry. Let me see

what I can do. Okay. [laughter]

>> Uh, hi, Daddy.

>> Get in the car.

>> Where are we?

>> Get in the car. Where are we?

>> Get in the car.

>> What are we doing?

>> I'm taking you to the carousel.

>> What? Are you nuts?

>> But this always cheers you up.

>> When I was seven,

I'm 13 years old.

>> Honey, it's okay. You don't have to. Oh,

honey. What's wrong?

>> I I haven't had my period.

>> Well, uh, now honey, there's uh lots of

uh we can we could we uh

>> I didn't miss my period. I've never had

it.

>> Oh, thank God. But I thought you

>> I lied about getting my period last

year. All my friends had theirs and I

felt like a little girl.

So, this thing with Dylan,

>> I made that up too. Pretty lame, huh?

Oh,

>> Megan, you know, girls mature at

different ages, and there's no right

age. There's a whole range from uh well,

from

>> 10.

>> From 10 all the way to

>> 16.

>> 16.

Okay. No, I want to be like all my

friends.

>> Uh, yeah. Well, I guess we all do.

>> So, you want to go home?

>> Not yet.

I want to ride the froggy.

What did you do?

>> I don't know. I just talked to her.

>> Amazing, huh? You coming to bed?

>> In a minute.

Bob, it's me. God.

Bob. I hate these things. Bob, pick up.

Bob, don't screen your maker.

>> Congratulations.

>> What? You did it. I saved the world.

>> How? I think you know.

>> What you mean? With Megan, but I didn't

do anything. I mean, I tried, but

that's what you want? You want us to try

with our families?

This is good beer. Did you know the caps

twist right off?

What?

You're so

I don't know. Inscrable.

>> Yeah, I get that a lot.

>> So, I guess this is it. Don't be a

stranger.

>> I'm not really done with you yet, Bob.

>> Oh, come on.

>> I'm sorry. I just had a flat tire and I

was wondering [music] if you

>> Give it up. You're too late.

>> It's not fair. IT'S NOT FAIR. It's never

an even playing field. I always get the

SHORT END JUST FOR ONCE. I'd like to

>> go to hell.

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>> Uh, did you guys read this introduction?

>> With the children of baby boomers now

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admission has never been stiffer. Where

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with Ivy League aspirations. Unless

>> they want better than 1,500.

>> Unless accompanied by an impressive,

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extracurriculars.

>> You mean like sports and stuff?

>> But I was sure my 1460 would get me into

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>> Great. While you're at it, why not just

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>> Hey, what's going on? I heard Borchmore.

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>> Yeah, like I'm going to Borchmore.

>> Hey, we were Playboy's number six party

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>> And that doesn't include hazing deaths.

>> Too bad we don't have the code.

>> What code? Oh, it's just a rumor I heard

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>> Well, in the absence of such a code,

unless we all want to be cavemen, I

suggest it's time to improve our

resumes. And what do our resumes need?

>> Extracurriculars.

[music]

>> Ah, Mr. Sanski, what extracurriculars do

you recommend for the student with Ivy

League ambitions?

>> Oh, don't ask me, kid. Lucky for me, we

had NAM. I didn't have to go to college.

>> Ah, maybe this one wouldn't be so bad.

>> Volleyball. I played on the beach once.

>> Sure. And this list is practically all

girls. How bad could it be?

>> MINE.

MAYBE IT WAS BAD mitten we played on the

beach.

>> So, is my massage class paying off? Do

you think I'm ready to go professional?

>> Oh, yeah. I minored in massage at

Borchmore.

>> Oo, can I go next?

>> Sure.

>> Oh, yeah. Last time I felt an ass like

this, Eisenhower was president.

>> HOLY CRAP.

He's joshing you, Andy. He says the same

thing about my ass.

[sighs]

>> I'll take Soladad.

I got Mabri.

I don't want anymore. You can have the

homos.

>> Get in the back.

You You look smart.

Hold my cigarette and don't bend it or

I'll kill you.

>> Get it. Get it. Get it.

>> I got it.

>> And I just don't think this is what the

Ivy League had in mind.

>> Look out, Kevin. stuck.

>> Hey, watch out for my cigarette.

>> It's doing fine, miss.

[music]

>> Kevin,

[sighs]

double 800s.

>> Huh?

>> If we could get perfect scores, we

wouldn't need this humiliation.

>> Sure, but how? Toby, you said there may

be a code out there, a way to crack the

SATs. It's our only hope. [music] And by

God, I'm going to find it.

As soon as I find the exit.

[music]

Look, all the SAT tests are generated by

the same computer, right? And no

computer is completely random. So, if we

get enough tests and run the answers

through our own computer, we should be

able to find a pattern.

>> That sounds like cheating.

>> But is it? Perhaps you'll recall the

Kobayashi Maru, the most difficult test

at Starfleet Academy. It crushed every

cadet who took it except for one. A

sassy young lad who defeated the test by

simply reprogramming the computer. Maybe

you've heard of him. Captain James

Tiberius Kirk.

>> That is so not true.

>> It is true. It happened on Star Trek.

>> Captain Pequard would never cheat.

>> Hello. Without Captain Kirk, there would

be no Peicard.

>> Yeah, but Captain Jane Way.

>> Shut up.

Yo, Dexter, I heard you're in the shower

looking for SATs.

>> Uh, yes, but they have to be actual old

tests, not practice ones.

>> No problem. But when you crack that

code, I want it. I need high SATs so I

can get into a good college where I

could play hoops at.

>> I guarantee you a perfect score. All

you'll have to do is spell your name

right.

>> Uh-oh.

>> And I'll tutor you on that.

>> Deal.

>> Oh.

Now hang on to your diapers, baby. We're

going in.

>> What are you doing? You set off THE

ALARM. YOU VANDALIZE school property.

>> Those things happen when you steal. Now

would be the part when you run.

>> Uh, hi. I'm here for my massage.

>> Posie customer.

>> Oh, my first client. How exciting.

This way, please.

>> How do you like it?

>> Very nice.

>> Good. Just take off all your clothes and

get under the sheet.

>> Uh, what's the hole for?

>> Your face.

Sweet.

>> Lady, that massage was a complete

ripoff. I was expecting to have sex.

>> I don't have sex with my customers.

>> Exactly. Your ad is misleading, Missy.

>> Misleading.

Could you please explain how this ad is

misleading? Let Posy's soft hands give

you healing relief.

>> Uh, that says release.

>> Oh my.

Taa. 200 vintage SAT tests. Now, all we

need to do is complete a few tests, feed

them into the computer, and search for a

pattern.

>> I see a pattern. Loser. Loser. Loser.

Mhm.

>> You guys are wasting your prime years on

this crap. When I was your age, I was

out drinking and chasing girls instead

of worrying about the stupid SAT. And

look how I turned out.

Okay, the moment of truth.

We need more memory. Guys, go get your

computers so we can hotwire them all

together.

>> But are you sure they'll be compatible?

>> Yeah, your motherboard's pretty old.

>> Don't you be talking about my

motherboard?

>> Maybe we should give up and start

studying.

>> No, no, just wait.

>> 980. My dad could get that.

>> It's homing in on the pattern. It just

needs more data. Need I remind you of

what awaits us should we succeed? God's

most perfect creation, the Ivy League.

[music]

Where brains triumph over brawn. Where

the term nerd is a compliment. And where

nerds from all over the world convene in

peace and HARMONY TO SHARE IDEAS and

play computer games. And this this is

what we are working for. Ergo. No one

leaves this room until we crack the

code.

>> Can I at least go to [music] the

bathroom?

>> Sure. If you want to go to Arizona State

or Pomona.

>> Uh, I'll just pee in a bottle.

>> And before you take the SATs, remember

your pencil isn't the only number two

you should worry about. From Modium AD,

I'm Panzer, your student network EJ.

Now, here's your local principal.

>> Good morning, students. It pains me to

report that the school administrative

offices have been burglarized. A file

cabinet was broken and several years

worth of SAT tests were stolen.

>> You stole those tests. You stealer. You

made us your unwitting co-stealers.

>> Hey. Hey, relax. I didn't steal

anything. Okay.

>> Yo, Dexter, we made the morning

announcements. How's that code coming?

>> Dexter, where you going?

>> Him? You're in this with a jock. It

figures anybody who likes Captain Kirk

has to be a jock lover. Captain Jane Way

would never.

>> Would you hyper down? The test is

Saturday and we're this close to

cracking the code.

>> No, Kevin, you're that close. Goodbye.

>> I don't need you anyway.

>> What? Who are you guys? Ron, what are

you doing here?

>> I'm here for massage. Bring me a drink.

>> I live here.

>> Must be nice. Huh?

>> Say it.

>> Okay, listen up. There is nothing sexual

about these massages. If anyone's here

for sex, this is not that kind of

establishment.

>> Thank you.

>> A

>> Andy, how can you live here?

>> What?

[music]

>> Hello, miss. I'm here about your ad.

>> No more customers today. I am sorry.

Goodbye.

>> You're working my territory, baby.

>> No way. You're a pimp, right? A good

old-fashioned bell bottom and platform

shoe pimp. Didn't I see you in Beretta?

>> A pimp is an outmoded term, but yes, I'm

here for my cut.

>> Out. Get out of my home, you you

cartoonish villain.

I will be back and you better have my

money.

>> Okay, that's 4 years worth of data. Here

we go.

[music]

>> Well, I guess you'll just need more data

then. [music]

A plane leaves Denver at 6:05 p.m.

flying at 420 mph. Flora is 16 years

old. Florinda is one quarter as old as

Flora. Unscrupulous is too unanimous as

repudiation.

Bling is to blong as blingy bling is to

blingy bling. No blong. No bling.

>> Hey Kev, you want some spaghetti?

>> Andy offers Kevin spaghetti and nine. If

Kevin is 7 years older than pudding, how

many liters of Andy does it take to get

to Denver?

There's a parmesan cheese in the re

refrigerator.

[music]

[music]

[music] 1300. You barely got up at all.

You're not even trying. I'm busting my

ass and you're not even trying.

[music]

More data. THAT'S ALL THE DATA I HAVE.

WHAT MORE DO YOU want from me?

[music]

[music]

And I was this close to cracking the

code.

>> Why don't you just forget the stupid

code and study for the damn thing?

>> What do you want to go to college for

anyway, kid? Join the Navy. Three

squares a day at all the gay sex you can

handle.

>> Kevin doesn't want to hear about your

Navy days. Gus.

>> Yeah, I know. I just hate to see him go

off his trolley like that other guy.

>> What other guy?

>> Well, years back there was this

character who'd sit at the counter all

night scribbling on napkins and

muttering about this code.

>> Yeah. Till he wigged out. Then all he

could do was babble about the train from

Baltimore and the quadrastic formula.

>> Do you know where he lives,

>> Kevin? Come on, give it up.

>> Where does he live?

>> That old tenement building on Proctor

Street, I think. But that was some time

agoing

blong bling bling

blong. Bling blong [music] bling blong.

Bingo.

Let's see. Pencil.

Yes. Number two. Pencil.

>> Go away.

>> Mr. Pencil. I'm here about the code.

>> All right.

Do not open until you are told to do so.

>> Sir, may I come in?

>> Zing Zang. You know, every year another

sucker comes knocking. Mister, I want to

crack the code. It is impossible, I tell

you. Impenetrable. God will not be

mocked.

>> I got as high as double 650s.

>> Hey, you mocked God. Please come in.

Yale, huh? I want to go to Cornell just

like my dad. You'd think 1320 would be

enough for a legacy, but no. Zingy

Zangy, they want extracurriculars. So, I

started looking for the code. That was

74. Six long years ago.

>> Uh, that was 26 years ago.

>> Oh, well, at least I haven't wasted my

entire life.

>> Well, uh, perhaps if we put our data

together, we could actually crack the

code.

>> All right,

we may begin. [clears throat]

>> [music]

>> Eureka, we did it.

>> Mr. Pencil, wake up. Are you ready to go

to Cornell?

Yep. You're ready for Cornell.

>> Oh my god, the test starts in half an

hour. [music]

>> Yeah, keep banging. That'll make me come

faster.

>> Good morning. You got something for me?

>> Uh, sure. How's this?

>> Not so smart, are you, Mr. Pimp Man?

Didn't they teach you anything at the

Pimp Academy? Look at me. I'm Pimpy

McPimpenheimer.

Hello, Mr. Pimper,

where are you?

>> Right here, baby.

Posy, help. Give [music] him some money.

>> It's not about money now.

>> No. I'm allergic to being splattered on

the pavement. Please. My doctor says I

should stay away from head trauma.

>> No, please don't.

My back, it's all froze up. I can't feel

nothing.

>> Bad back, huh? Looks like somebody's

ready for the old pimp's home.

[screaming]

>> Would you please help me, [ __ ]

>> Okay. Um, where does it hurt?

>> Posie, no. What are you doing?

>> A little lower. Oh, yes. Yes.

Oh, much better. So that's legitimate

massage, huh? Who knew?

[screaming]

>> What the hell was that about?

>> I didn't want him to fall off the roof

and not feel it.

>> Oh, come on, stupid. You were supposed

to meet me 5 minutes ago.

Toby, GEORGE, I DID IT. I cracked the

code. It's okay. Take it. Don't you want

perfect scores?

>> Uh, my whole life I've waited to be

tempted by the forces of evil. I reject

you, Kevin.

>> Yeah, get lost.

>> Yo, Dexter, you got the code.

>> Told you a Dexter. Kevin,

top notch. Hey, we make a pretty good

team. What school you going to?

>> Uh, Yale. But you wouldn't want to go

there. They don't even have a good

basketball team.

>> They do now. Hey guys, we're going to

Yale.

>> Dude, I can't go without my starting

lineup.

>> [music]

[groaning]

>> I was wrong. It was cheating all along

and now I've ruined the whole Ivy

League.

>> Kevin, do something. How much fun is

college going to be if everyone is

drinking beer and having sex all the

time?

>> THE CODE MUST BE DESTROYED.

>> YAY, KEVIN.

>> Way to go.

>> Give it. Never.

>> Dang.

That was the most noble swirly I've ever

seen.

>> Well, now I'm screwed. I was so busy

trying to cheat. I didn't study. And if

I don't show, I'll get a zero.

>> Too bad they didn't beat you up more.

You could have gotten out of the test on

medical grounds.

>> Hey, that's it. You guys could beat me

up. Come on, hit me.

>> I I guess we could rough you up a

little.

No, we can't do this. Kevin, you're our

friend.

>> Did I mention I destroyed your

computers?

>> No, really. The motherboards are fried.

We're talking total meltdown.

>> OKAY, THAT'S FINE. OW. OKAY. OUCH. OW.

YOU GUYS CAN STOP NOW. THIS will not

look good on your college application.

Ouch.

[music]

>> [music]

[music]

[music]

>> A Bill Oakley. Josh Weinstein

production.

[music]

[music]

[music]

Next time on Family Guy, Stewie has the

hotsy totsies for Brian's bastard son.

Dylan, what are you doing here?

Everybody, [music] this handsome,

muscular boy is Brian's son, Dylan.

Dylan is going to be staying with us for

a while. No, no, no. Where's he going to

sleep?

>> He could sleep in Stewie's room. Would

you like that, sweetie?

>> No. My pants just got shorter cuz I

hated the idea.

>> New Family Guy. Yep.

>> Just pass him through. See anything you

like? Speak up.

>> Monday 11:30 on Adult Swim.

Did you know that over half of adults

have elevated blood pressure? But diets

low in sodium and rich in potassium may

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>> What are you doing?

>> Is that the Grand Slam?

>> No.

>> Introducing the build your own Grand

Slam. Choose any four items and make it

your slam. Starting at 599.

>> Denny. [music] Real breakfast 24/7.

Wow.

Wow.

Park.

Wow.

>> Wow.

>> Don't go fart yourself.

>> Brought to you by Stacker 2. 6-hour

power extreme energy shop. Available at

local convenience stores.

The Narnia you remember is no more.

[screaming]

1300 years have passed. A new age has

begun.

[screaming]

You may find Nani a more savage place

than you remember.

>> What do you think happens back home if

you die here?

>> The Chronicles of Narnia. It's Caspian.

Made PG in theaters May 16th. The new

>> Cut. Take two.

>> The new cut. Take three.

>> Oh, it's tempting. The new fudge brownie

temptation waffle bowl Sunday with chewy

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1800

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A small tweak makes a big difference.

witness The dawn of the vampiric age.

>> I expect a number of horrible deaths

tonight.

>> The Blood Rain series, now on Game Time.

>> Rock, paper, scissors, a game unchanged

for centuries until now.

Rock, paper, scissors extreme

deathmatch. Adultswim.com's newest game

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Paper. Three ordinary objects enter. One

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adultswim.com.

>> What happened in Vegas?

>> WHAT'S THE GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE?

>> DIDN'T STAY IN VEGAS.

>> Prime that ring off HER FINGER. OKAY.

SHOCKING OFF.

>> THIS FRIDAY,

>> I am sentencing you to 6 months hard

marriage.

>> Almost done. Oh.

>> Oh yeah. It's your day for dishes.

>> What happens in Vegas?

>> This is my boss.

>> I'm Richard Banger.

>> Your name is Dick Banger.

>> Dick Banger. You, sir, have just

provided us with jokes for the whole

weekend.

>> Rated PG-13.

>> Friday only in theaters.

>> I was an intelligence analyst in the US

Army.

>> Warn officer with the 18th Airborne

Corps, 82nd Airborne, Green Beret,

>> 91 Echo, dental assistant,

>> chemical officer, and I served in Iraq.

The Army taught me how to be a team

player,

>> to be decisive. I learned how to be a

leader,

>> to be strong mentally

>> and emotionally. As it turns out,

camouflage is a great way to get

noticed. 150 careers in the strength

America's top employers are looking for.

>> I am Army strong.

>> I am Army Strong.

>> See what it's like at go army.com.

Can we get some extra [screaming]

>> steakhouse, please?

>> The steakhouse. New from Burger King.

Premium Angus beef. It's the burger you

can't wait for.

>> Tired? Need energy? STACKER 26-HOUR

POWER EXTREME energy shot. Feel it fast.

Energy that lasts. Extreme [music]

energy. Energy that lasts. 6 hours of

power. Stacker 2 6-hour power extreme

energy shots. Available at your local

convenience store.

>> A word of warning, mate. Once you've had

a taste, you'll only want more.

>> Become a pirate and join thousands

[music] online.

Captain your ship and command the

[music] seas.

>> Battle fierce enemy and live the legend.

>> Play for free at piratesonline.com.

Rated E10 for ages 10 and up. You're

next. [music]

Wow, what an amazing night at the

theater.

>> Yes, it was. But maybe we should have

taken a cab back to Jersey instead of

walking there through these dark alleys.

It seems fine to me.

>> Hey, give me all your money, [ __ ] And

your wipes, too.

>> Colored people time, man. Help.

[screaming]

>> This looks like a job for colored people

time, man.

>> Looks like I'm going to need to slap my

dick across some motherfucker's neck.

Before

I fly, maybe I should smoke the rest of

this blindf.

GIVE ME ALL THAT JEWELRY.

>> CPT man should be here any second now.

>> You dead now.

You know what? Give me them clothes,

too.

>> And now to fight. [ __ ] Why is this girl

calling me? Hey, baby. Yeah, I'm about

to rescue a [ __ ] right now. I

need to holler back at you. Hold on. I

got another call. Hey, baby. No, I can

talk.

>> Okay, I guess. Uh, give me your arms

now.

>> Word. That's what's up. My arms.

[snorts]

>> YOU KNOW WHAT? I AIN'T GOING TO DO THIS.

>> The racist color people time man always

late to the scene of the crime like

black people can't never be on time just

perpetuating stereotypes.

>> Look man, you can't keep stopping in the

middle of the run through. We only got

10 minutes before the show and it ain't

racist. It's funny. [ __ ] is always

running late.

>> Uh-huh. Uh-huh. There you go again. Why

you got to use the N word?

>> Don't be nigicking on me, man. Yo, Chop,

what you think? You think this [ __ ] is

racist?

>> You need to ask Kanye cuz Kanye is the

host this week.

>> Yeah, maybe you right. Peanut, where's

Kanye? What?

>> Oh, he just called. He running late.

>> [music]

>> that don't kill me.

I need you to hurry up now. I can't wait

much longer.

>> Peanut, would you mind helping me find

Kanye?

>> You ain't got to raise your voice at me.

He probably out getting his head dead so

he can impress me when he get her.

>> Oh, damn. See what you done did? You

done MADE ME BREAK MY NAIL. I got to go.

>> Damn.

Con Westist, I'm about to show you a

side of situation you ain't never looked

at with your eyeballs before. Situation

up.

Do you like cheese, Connor? Would it

turn you on if I told you I put a hunk

of cheese somewhere inside my body and I

lie for you to search for it?

[crying]

>> Huh?

>> Oh, look. It's Mr. Wes. I found him for

you. And look what he done did to

himself. He a sick man. Anyway, I was

just leaving. Oh, I just I chipped my

other press on.

>> Damn. Sorry about that, man. My bad.

Like I It's on me, G. It's on me.

>> Don't even sweat it, Pork Troy.

>> For real.

>> Actually, I'm a big fan of yours.

>> Shoot, man. For a minute, I was thinking

you wasn't going to be cool with it. To

be honest, all I heard is that you hard

as hell to work with.

>> I mean, I hear that all the time, too.

But mostly because it's true.

>> Look here now. Y'all need to be on

stage. THE SHOW LIVE IN 20 SECONDS. NOW,

COME ON.

>> Let's do this.

You might want to take those nutcuffs

off before we go.

>> Nah, I'm cool.

>> Ladies and gentlemen, please give a big

alligator boots welcome to Port Troy and

this week's host, Mr. Kanye

West.

[applause and music]

Thank you. Thank you. Yo, what up my

people?

>> Listen, we got a hot show for you

tonight.

>> We got music and comedy

>> and puppets.

>> Whoa, whoa, whoa. We don't use the P

word around here, Kanye.

>> Um, I'll make it up to you with the best

entertainment [music] you've ever seen.

We got something for everybody. Me.

>> Huh?

>> We even got a hot joint I wrote. Like,

you know how the girls be coming in the

club all impregnated? Uh, I meant to

talk to you about that. It's It's whack.

I'm not going to do it.

>> Look, man. Your manager told me you read

the script and you was cool with it.

>> Um, first of all, don't touch me. And

second of all, I lie. And instead of

doing your thing, I like to do something

that's not stupid. Like a big finale

with space aliens and explosions and

[ __ ] And then I want to have like Kim

Kardashian play Princess Leia because

you know Kim Kardashian's ass is just so

just perfect for this show.

>> Tell you what, how about we just do

both?

>> Okay, cool. Then we just do what I want

to do.

>> So I guess me and uh Captain D2 over

here will be right back after this.

[cheering]

>> Hey, you smell really sexy.

>> Thanks.

>> What is that you're wearing is hot.

>> Axe.

>> I am axe. What is it?

>> Uh, the axe.

>> Uh, I'm confused. Didn't I just ask you

twice?

>> Look, girl, I'm telling you what I'm

wearing. Axe.

>> I asked you like three times already. I

ain't going to ask no more.

>> Hey, I couldn't help but notice how sexy

you smell. What are you wearing?

>> Calvin Klein.

Axe [music] body spray. Just say it's

Calvin Klein.

Hello. Who the hell is Peanut? Hold,

please. Uh-huh. Okay. Hello,

>> Peanut. Do you know what pork tray is?

>> I got some other ideas for this finale.

>> I'm going to need a jetpack.

>> Mr. West, I see you. That's Oh, that's

my

>> I'm going to need a zebra with no

stripes.

>> Oh, hey De, you ain't never going to

believe who standing rock her in front

of me. Mr. Kay Westers. Uh, human. He

just folk like us. Uh-huh. He like

getting tied up AND WHOOP.

>> OH, HELL NO. THAT'S SOMETHING.

>> HE DID WHAT? HE DID WHAT? PUT ME ON the

speaker phone. VALTRAX, PUT THAT BB GUN

DOWN NOW. WHAT? UHHUH. LAMAL, YOU

PLAYING? I COME OUT RIGHT NOW. I'M GOING

TO SHOW YOU MY SHOE. YOU TAKE A MONSTER

AND YOUR SISTER OUTSIDE.

>> WELL, I would DD, but my foot got all

swelled up.

>> [ __ ] it. I'm a fine pork trail myself.

>> Yeah. Will you tell her she better not

be smoking my cools?

And now, not so hot moments in black

history.

Brothers and sisters,

last night I had another dream.

I had a dream that there was me and this

giant ice cream cone, right?

But it was also my wife at the same time

and we were in a nonsegregated Woolworth

and were trying to figure out where the

Easter baskets were kept, but we

couldn't find them because the aisles

kept rotating. I had a dream

that all of a sudden it was my mama's

house and it's the future and all the

little black children and all the little

white children all become giant black

and white slugs who try to take over the

earth.

I had a dream that together the Negroes

and the whites realize that we can fight

the slugs with nothing other than common

table salt, which was pepper in the

dream for some reason, but I knew I

meant salt. And of course, I'd change it

into salt, should I ever decide to turn

this into a screenplay or something.

Anyway, I had a dream. The humans end up

winning. We all kill the slugs in their

sleep. And we all sing, "She'll be

coming round the mountain. She'll be

coming round the mountain. She'll be

coming round the mountain when she

comes." And then I wake up. So that was

the new dream.

So please don't count on that other [ __ ]

happening just yet. All right.

Hey Kanye, Barry White. I'm having all

kinds of trouble with the women lately,

and I thought you could help me.

>> Yeah, of course, man. What's going on?

>> Well, there's no denying women love my

buttery, sweet voice, but something

seems to turn them off when I come on to

them.

>> Oh, Kim. Kim, come here for a second.

>> Hi.

>> Yo, this is perfect. Barry, you could

try out a couple of your lines on Kim.

>> If you say so. It would be my pleasure.

M

Yeah. Yeah.

You know I've been waiting to tell you

this for a long time, girl.

Let me lay you down on my silky sheets.

[music]

And then come in close behind you.

Yeah.

Then I'll show you my desire

and put my penis inside your vagina.

>> You know what I mean?

>> Oh, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. HOLD ON. Wait a

second. Okay, just try that again, but

try to not be so specific.

>> Okay, I get it. Let me try again.

Let me treat you to a nice dinner.

Yeah.

And buy you diamonds and pearls. You

know you want them. [music] And after

you get all of that jewelry,

please let me stick my penis inside your

vagina. You catch my drift.

>> Yo, fam. Fam. Fam. Seriously, that's

where you messing up. It's at the end

>> where I buy her the jewelry.

>> No, after that, fam. But yo, maybe

you're not hearing what I'm hearing. Why

don't you let me show your ass done?

[music]

Yeah. Yeah, baby. You know I'm way too

busy.

Act like [music] you don't care. So why

don't you hurry up and put your vagina

on my penis?

>> Wow, that was amazing. So, do you mind

if I stick around and watch while you um

put her vagina onto your penis? Uh, yes,

I do mind.

>> All right, I left. Now, go ahead and do

it.

>> Barry, leave now.

>> Uh, my foot is uh asleep. I can't really

leave. I'm going to have to watch you

have sex with her instead.

>> Yo, get out of here, Barry.

>> Oh, damn.

[music]

He's Pablo. Pablo Pablo.

Watch him as he goes. [music]

[snorts]

That's what I talking about. Ooh yeah.

Ooh yeah.

Oh, come on, man.

Ain't daddy [ __ ]

>> Yo. Yay. You ready to do our smash hit

for all the ladies in the club?

>> What I said was I ain't going to do that

song. It's stupid.

>> Like five minutes ago, you just said you

was gonna do it.

>> Like five minutes ago, I lied.

>> Look, Kanye, just do this, man. Then we

could do your big sci-fi musical

extravaganza with your aliens, the

antenna balls on your head, the no

striped zebra horses or whatever, and

it'll be what everybody talking about.

>> All right, fam. Let's just get it over

with.

And now performing their new hit song.

Please welcome Poor Troy and Kanye West.

I'm only

[music]

Look at that girl with a baby in the

club. Baby in the club. She got a baby

in the club. Look at that girl with a

[music] baby in the club. And I think

she going to drop it on the floor. That

girl 20, her baby one. Too young for the

club. Together they 21. Apple bottoms on

the floor. So stylish. Baby on the

shoulder. Everybody call her childish.

[music] She don't give a damn.

>> She got a baby in the club. They both

pop bottles. Little [ __ ] spitting up.

People can't be in the VIP cuz she

cleared it all out for a nursery.

She gave birth for 10 in the club of 10.

Pregnant again. He don't want a name. He

don't want a number. Boo. Put that car

seat in the backseat of the Hummer. So

he put the car seat in the backseat of

the Hummer. And he put the car seat in

the backseat of the Hummer. Look at that

girl with a baby in the club. Baby in

the club. She got a baby in a club. Look

at that girl with a baby in a club. And

I think she going to drop it on the

floor.

>> On the floor.

>> Yeah, that was tight. G.

>> All right. Thank y'all for coming to see

us. We had a great time. Good night.

>> Oh, hell no. Dog. Where's my zebras AT?

WHAT'S GOING ON?

>> Zebra who?

>> No, you told me that I was going to get

to do my song if I did that stupid ass

song with you, man. What's going on,

man?

>> Oh, yeah. I forgot to tell you. I lied.

You can't take everybody at the word,

Kanye. I thought you knew that. GOOD

NIGHT, EVERYBODY. THANK YOU. THANK YOU

FOR COMING. TAKE IT EASY.

[applause and cheering]

>> GOD, NO.

OH, KIM, at least you came back.

>> Well, no, actually, I have to cancel our

plans.

>> What? Why?

>> You know that bear, the one that wants

to put his penis in my vagina?

>> Yeah.

>> I think I'm going to let him. Bye.

>> Oh, hell no.

>> Hey, Kanye, thanks for the pointers.

Come on, baby. Let's bone.

>> [music]

>> Next time on Family Guy, Stewie has the

hotsy totsies for Brian's bastard son.

>> Dylan, what are you doing here?

Everybody, this handsome, muscular boy

is Brian's son, Dylan. Dylan is going to

be staying with us for a while. No, no,

no. Where's he going to sleep?

>> He could sleep in Stewie's room. Would

you like that, sweetie?

>> No. My pants just got shorter cuz I

hated the idea.

>> New Family Guy.

>> Yep.

>> Just pass him through. See anything you

like. Speaker.

>> Monday 11:30 on Adult Swim.

>> Experience the event. Feel the

excitement. Celebrate Disney's High

School Musical, The Ice Tour.

>> Act One features the Wildats in the

original High School Musical. Act

[music]

two is all about fun in the sun when

High School Musical 2 hits the ice. Two

smash hits live on ice. High School

Musical the Ice Tour.

>> Tickets on sale now playing May 2nd

through the 5th at UNO Lake Arena. Get

your tickets today at ticket master.

>> Drive buyers to your showroom by

advertising with Go Scout Autos.

Go Scout Autos connects buyers and

sellers for all their automotive needs.

Go Scout Autos is your [music] showroom

available on air and online 247.

To learn more about advertising on Go

Scout Autos, call 7335812.

Wow.

Wow.

Wow.

>> Wow.

>> Don't go fart yourself.

>> Brought to you by Stacker 2. 6 Power

Extreme Energy Shot. Available in local

convenience stores.

>> Get ready for a heist. Almighty.

>> You keep looking at me.

>> Right. Jesus.

>> Ice Cube.

>> Don't be the lady of the house.

>> Cat Williams.

>> This is not even my church. saw this on

MySpace

>> and Tracy Morgan. [screaming]

>> First Sunday. Get it on DVD and Blu-ray

High Def.

[groaning]

>> Kimberly,

you've got the tools to fix this.

Double down.

Rockaby baby in the treetop

when the wind blows.

[music]

>> Any piled high regular Subway foot long

just $5. $5 foot longs. Hurry in. This

celebration won't last long. At some

>> at one time or another, we all want to

change the world in which we live.

>> Make it a better place.

Introducing the ITT Technical Institute

School of Criminal Justice. At ITT Tech,

we teach the fundamentals of the

criminal justice system along with the

technology to help respond to and

prevent crime.

With a degree in criminal justice, you

can pursue various career opportunities

[music] like surveillance,

casework, and security.

Technology is a powerful tool, but it's

the people behind it who make the

difference.

ITT Technical Institute School of

Criminal Justice, education for the

future. Call 18004923011.

That's 18004923.

[music]

[music]

What do life life? Are we just fleshy

blips in some meaningless stew of cosmic

oblivion? Or is it vice [music] reversa?

Is our every trolop through fate's

garden infused with a mystic?

>> Hey, bung ho. Cease that inner yapping.

>> I don't want no trouble, mister

>> freak. If you didn't want trouble, you

shouldn't have wandered into Burberry,

Connecticut.

>> Please. I'm just a simple seeker on a

spirit quest [music] to discover

>> what doth life like.

>> We don't kind of freaks here [music] in

Burberry and we stone hate freaks with

open unquenchable cans of philosophical

thirstw worms.

>> You're going to regret that. You've

shattered my shaka.

>> I hope y'all can play it three feet up

your ass.

>> Don't know, but I'd sure like to try.

>> What you going to do, bird beast? Fly

away on your cuddle bone.

>> Yeah, cuddle dish

bone.

>> Better stay away from that weirdo.

You'll catch a feline aids.

>> Yeah, from meow.

>> Do yourself a solid. Walk away. Just

walk away. Walk away.

>> What's the matter, ch chicken fried or

do you prefer what's the matter chicken

fried? Please walk away. You may need my

help someday. Walk away. Walk away.

>> Yeah. Help me punch your neck off.

>> Welcome to Burberry. What are you

looking for?

>> Well, ma'am, I suppose I'm seeking a

deeper strata of truth. Perhaps you can

answer the one question that has plagued

thinkers for all time. What? Doth life.

>> One moment, please. Processing.

Processing. Processing.

Processing.

Processing.

Death.

Death.

>> You all right, mister? Sorry our

computer's [music] fritzing on y'all.

>> I'll be fine. I'm a survivor. We're a

dying breed. I suppose you'll be wanting

to hear my story. [music]

>> What?

>> I don't like to tell people my story,

but you you've been so very kind.

>> Actually, I have to get going.

>> Life.

>> You could say it started when I was a

kid. Like most folks, I've always been

different, but not like the others.

Other kids could be cruel. They'd call

me names. Dweeb, chimp, honky, dweeb,

chimp, honky dweeb, and worst of all,

chsky honk. Chsky honk.

>> Did you know there's over 87

combinations of those soul scalding

words? I found out the hard way. Life.

Life. Adolescence was better. Went to

the prom with a model, but she left with

some jock. Dyke. Dyke. But then I felt

something in my gut. The palpable

suspicion that I had a deeper calling in

life. So I sought out the wisdom of the

ancients, exploring the spirit realm of

the soul. The soul soul. One day tragedy

[music] struck. I was groping

enlightenment in my bedroom. And before

you could scream murder by arson, our

house was on fire. Couldn't save my

parents. [music] Coroner ruled it a

simple case of death by mysterious fire.

But I always sensed that there was

something fishy about it. Needless to

say, my so-called father was a

scientist. in some top secret capacity

I've yet to unveil yet.

Yet yet. So now I wander the country

looking for the man who killed my father

and I suppose seeking answers to less

[music] tangible questions of life.

Life. If I help a few folks along the

way, so be it.

>> So you use your powers to save people.

>> Powers are for the weak. I have no

powers. I mean, unless you count the

power to blow minds with my weaponsgrade

philosophical insights. I'm a thoster.

I'm the conund drummer in a band called

Life Puzzler.

>> All right. Well, I'm taking off later.

>> Hell, I've flipped more lids than a

monkey in a soup kitchen of the mind.

The mind. Does that make me a hero?

>> No. No. No.

>> Ow. That that truck was nowhere near me.

Is that for

her ass in you? Or would you prefer her

ass in you?

>> I'm her protectorate. She owes her life

to me and now I'm her soul slave. That's

good. Let me write [music] that down.

Write that down.

>> Oh, he's harmless. What you all doing?

>> We got a load of comooters from all

around town with just got virus. We're

on our way to dumpling in the landfield.

Land.

>> You must love the earth like you loved

your mother. Kiss your mother, young

ling. Go on harder. She wants it harder.

It hurts.

>> Don't sully the sacred landscape of our

mother earth with those infected

computers. Dump them in the lake where

no one can see them.

>> Later, Chsky Honk. [laughter]

You gave me a nasty gash.

>> I better take a look at you stat. I'm a

certified Wakamana healer. You see,

>> I spent nine years as the pupil of a

wise Apacheani shaman.

>> Please, I don't have time.

>> Chief was deep. He was balls deep. He

taught the way of the heal.

>> In order to heal this wound, you must

play a shockerish wind trance.

Your failure is merely a portent of

disappointments to come. Confront your

future.

>> Wow, that's me years from now. I look

cut. Hey, that's a nice chunk of chicken

on my arm.

>> Look, we're in his vision. My vision.

>> What the

>> Hey, shake hands with your future old

friend.

>> Ooh, futa. Later, Chsky. Honk.

Yeah, trick the trickster. See, still

got the scar to prove it.

>> I'm just going to go take a shower.

>> Look at the two of us. We could be like

Beauty and the Beast. What do you say?

Will you be my beast?

>> Yeah. Dump in Pooters, boy. Dump them

all. [laughter]

>> Oh, Peep Show. Ooh, futa. [music] I'm

watching a woman washing. I wish I could

see myself watching. Washing.

What? The

full water. The computer virus. It's in

the lake.

>> What's happening to

>> the virus is in the water.

>> What are you doing here?

>> If the computer virus [music] is

infecting people, then I need to get a

human virus to infectide the computer.

Welcome to the US Army. How can I help

you?

>> I need some of that disease you guys

invented.

>> Crack.

>> The other one.

>> AIDS. [music]

>> That's the spice.

>> You'll need to fill out an HC248

requisition form.

>> I don't have time for that.

>> I shouldn't do this, but here. Someone

left this in the lost and found. [music]

>> Futa.

Just got to dump this load in that dirty

pooter's floppy slot and collect my

kudos.

>> Hey, there's that freak beast. What

caused this plague upon us?

>> You can all fret not. I have the cure

right here.

>> Cure? Give me that.

>> You don't want to drink that.

>> Ah, curlicious.

Is it working? Yeah, it's working. Just

go towards the light. I'm scared. Is

that you, Grandma? Oh, come here.

Oh, Clipple,

y'all just killed my best platonic male

friend, and now I'm going to beat your

>> I thought you had the stutter.

>> He seems to be stuck in some sort of a

glick glitch and use the devil. What

brought comorterized viral shame to our

town? I'm gonna pound you down down

down.

This town's gone. Bowser

freak. Why I ever help that freak? Why I

ever help that freak any? Why I ever

help that freak any?

>> Can't stop thinking about me, huh?

>> I know the feeling.

>> Why I ever help that freak? [music] Why

are you doing this?

>> What do life sent my ponder circuits to

spirit seek beyond their capacity to

digitally similaculate? This is a defcon

five level system where degenerative

broadcast.

>> Now is not the best time, but your

brother died of a shameful lifestyle

choice.

Young Lingling, you must tame the beast

with your soul soothing song. No time to

gab. I've got to cobble together a

makeshift shock to tame a certain beast.

See yourself out.

the notes. He's not playing. So

relaxing. Returning.

Restoring.

>> My arm.

>> Just needed a hand to tame the beast.

>> System normalized. Welcome to Burberry.

What are you looking for?

>> All systems back to go, huh? I better

just test you out to make sure you're

safe. Here's a new little philosophical

query for you to chomp on.

>> Oh my god, WHAT A THOUGHT. THAT IS

INTENSE.

LISTEN, this is never easy to say. You

and I both knew what we had couldn't

last. I do love you, but the love of my

life is a lady named Rambling On.

So maybe we are just blips in a void of

nothingness.

>> And now it's time for me to walk away.

Walk away. Walk away. Walk away. Walk

away. Walk away.

>> Hey, where you headed, mister?

>> Whichever path Fra destiny sets beneath

this seeker, this pupil of the universe

is as good as any.

>> Cool. Check this out.

Yeah, I know that sometimes actors

behave like witches and wear wizard

costumes, but the same can be said of

real witches and wizards. Right.

>> Right.

>> On all new Squid Billies, a deep fried

bird doctor passes magic ass gas.

>> This bird is dead. Oh man, will you look

at that? I think I sat in something.

>> Oh, that's awful. Little club soda. Take

that.

>> Keep my juice

bamboozled.

Scout tingling.

>> Confidence resto.

>> New Squid Bill.

>> Feel my spray.

>> You son of a [ __ ]

>> Tonight at 12:15 [music] on Adult Swim.

>> You deserve a meal made for men.

Introducing [music] Taco Bell's Big Box

Meal. A bean burrito. Crunchy taco,

cinnamon twist, a large drink, and

featuring the Bacon Club Chalupa. Eat

like a man.

>> What happened in Vegas?

>> THE GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE.

>> DIDN'T STAY IN VEGAS.

>> Turn that ring off HER FINGER. OKAY.

SHOCKING OFF.

>> THIS FRIDAY,

>> I am sentencing you to 6 months hard

marriage.

>> Almost done.

>> Oh yeah. What's your day for dishes?

>> What happens in Vegas?

>> This is my boss.

>> I'm Richard Banger. Your name is Dick

Banger. Dick Banger. You sir have just

provided us with jokes for the whole

weekend.

>> Rated PG-13

Friday only in theaters.

>> Tired? Need energy? STAGGER 26-HOUR

POWER EXTREME ENERGY SHOT. Feel it fast.

Energy that lasts. Extreme energy.

Energy that lasts. 6 hours of power.

Stacker 2 6hour power extreme energy

shots. Available at your local

convenience store.

>> Hey everybody, CHECK THIS OUT.

WHO WANTS WHITE?

>> Tradition meets innovation. Lockable

inbed trunk on the Ridgeline built by

Honda.

>> Tim and Eric. Awesome show. Great job on

DVD. 10 full episodes all with

commentary.

Lots of extra stuff that you've never

seen. It's got a nice price so you can

save some green. Tim awesome show. Great

job is for you. So go to the store and

get yourself [music]

>> and awesome show. Great job. Season one

in stores now.

>> In stores now.

>> It's on DVD.

>> What are you doing?

>> Is that the Grand Slam?

>> No.

>> Introducing the build your own grand

slam. Choose any four items and make it

your slam. Starting at 599.

>> Denny. Real breakfast 24/7.

The Narnia you remember is no more.

1300 years have passed. A new age has

begun.

[screaming]

>> You may find Nani a more savage place

than you remember.

>> What do you think happens back home if

you die here?

>> The Chronicles of Narnia. It's Caspian

made it PG. I am the stone that the

builder refused. I am the visual,

[music] the inspiration that made ladies

sing the blues. I'm the spark that makes

your idea bright. The same spark that

lights the dark so that you can know

your left from your right. I am the

ballot [music] in your box, the bullet

in the gun, the inner globe and let you

know to call your brother son. The story

that [singing] just begun. The promise

of what's to come. I'mma remain [music]

a soldier till the war is farop.

>> Okay. Ready?

>> None for me. Thanks,

>> Tom. I think you can have a second class

on your anniversary.

>> I'm driving, sweetie poo. I don't think

one more glass [music] of wine will kill

you.

>> No, but driving under the influence of

alcohol could kill me or you or

somebody's baby. Worse yet, I'd spend

the next 20 years in jail being

>> Yeah, let's talk more about your

violated rectum. Oh, I find it so

romantic.

>> Hey, I'm just saying. [clears throat]

>> So, no wine then?

>> No, thank you.

>> [gasps]

>> Oh my god.

[laughter]

>> Ah, now that's what I like to see.

Sarah's

smile.

>> No, honey. Don't sing.

>> Oh, won't you smile a while for me,

Sarah? People are

>> when you feel cold,

I want you,

>> honey. Honey, maybe this isn't the best

place.

>> And when you feel you CAN'T GO ON, I'll

come and hold you.

>> All done.

>> Hey, and me forever.

>> Good,

>> Sarah.

>> Yay.

Oh my god.

>> What is it, honey? Wait, is that Usher?

>> Yes.

Oh my god, he's coming over. I can't

believe this.

>> Oh, you hit the table.

>> Hey, how you doing, bae? [gasps]

>> Hi, Mr. Usher. I I can't believe it's

you. I'm Sarah. [laughter and gasps]

>> You have a beautiful smile, Sarah.

>> Sarah, smile.

>> Oh, won't you smile and welcome me?

Sarah.

>> Oh, [screaming] wonderful.

>> Oh, God.

>> That was beautiful.

>> This is what I do.

>> Oh, um, this is Tom.

>> Yes, I'm Tom. Just Tom.

>> Hey, how you doing? [laughter]

[sighs]

>> You are so interesting.

>> Interesting. [laughter]

If you don't mind me asking, where did

you learn to dance like that?

>> Yeah, I've never seen anyone dance like

Michael Jackson before.

>> Well, I've been dancing for as long as I

can remember.

>> But it's not just the music. I have seen

all of your movies.

>> Really? Even Light It Up?

>> I loved Light It Up. I named my dog

Light It Up.

>> Girl, please. My mama wouldn't even see

Light It Up and she's going to talk to

your mom. You know, she on my email

address. I'll call her. [laughter]

>> Are you a natural girl?

>> You are so

>> Okay, one more, please. We got to get

one more.

>> [laughter]

>> Let's go get some fresh air.

>> Yeah, it' be good for my B. Sorry, man.

>> I'm ticklish.

>> I'mma tickle you again.

>> Wouldn't let that [ __ ] happen to me

though.

>> You rolling with us.

[screaming and laughter]

>> And this is where I put the rabbit ears

behind his head. See, honey?

>> Yes. Yes, I see the ears.

Don't you think your behavior might have

been the slightest bit inappropriate?

>> Oh, stop being insecure.

>> You were flirting. He asked me to send

him the pictures, Tom. You know I'm a

big Usher fan.

>> So is Jasmine, which makes sense because

she's 10.

>> What's that supposed to mean?

>> It means you're a tiny bit old to be

acting like some screaming tiara groupy.

>> Stop the car.

>> Now, now we won't have any of that. Just

calm down.

>> Stop the car.

Uh, are you mad?

>> Ush, [music]

[laughter]

that dick is my age.

>> So, you guys don't think I'm

overreacting.

>> I don't think so. You're a big- time

lawyer. And Sarah is acting all crazy

over an Usher.

>> Not an Usher. Usher. He's a singer.

>> Ushers ain't supposed to sing. You can't

hear the movie.

>> I finished cleaning the storm drain for

you, Robert. Uh-uh. What's wrong?

>> Tom's wife is cheating on him with a

singing usher.

>> Oh, I didn't say she was cheating.

>> Oh, Lord. Lord, how did you end up with

that white woman anyway?

>> I say toss her groupy ass out the window

and let that whole star gaze from

outside.

>> Now, Riley, there's never a place for

violence in a relationship.

>> There just seemed to be a place at the

restaurant last night. She made you look

like a [ __ ] in front of us.

>> Boy, watch your mouth.

>> Probably started out charitable. She

took you in, was probably teaching you

how to read. But grandadash, she did

make Mr. Dubo look like a [ __ ]

>> Yeah, we all know she made Tom look like

a [ __ ] We found a different way to say

it.

>> Next thing you know, you rubbing against

that silky white skin.

>> But I don't know the non-cursed way to

say he got [ __ ]

>> Humiliated, castrated, calculated.

>> All right. All right. I get the point.

>> I mean, I could see if it was a real

[ __ ] If you lost your hoe to TI, I'd

be like, "Hey, that's Ti." But Usher,

you better check that hole. Mr. Dubo,

>> you know what? You guys are right. I'm

going to go back there and put her in

check.

>> For example, how many white women want

to go to a basketball game just to see

the game? Come back with one of them NBA

[ __ ] out of sympathy. She came to see

the game. She wanted to be entertained.

Oh, the white woman's got a big heart.

Lord, she's got a big heart.

>> [snorts]

>> Is your grandad home?

>> GRANDAD? MR. DUBAI IS AT THE DOOR.

You a [ __ ]

>> Well, Tom, I'm sorry to hear about the

split. I would love to let you crash

here, but I just don't know where you

would stay.

>> Maybe the guest room.

>> Who told him about the guest room?

Thank you so much, Robert. See, boy, see

why I tell you marriage is bad.

>> I don't care what nobody say. I ain't

never getting married.

>> Statistically speaking, it was bound to

fail anyway.

But just know that it's over. We know

that it's true. Let it burn.

Let it burn.

Got to let it burn.

Are you doing the music video thing

again?

>> You got to go, honey. Bye.

Hey, Tom. Shut the [ __ ] up.

>> Boy, watch your mouth. Tom, shut the

[ __ ] up.

Sorry. I'm so cold.

Could

[music] be worse.

Could have been a Marian.

>> Thank you for that perspective, Huie.

>> No problem.

>> And so I said, I ain't paying for dinner

and a movie woman. You must have lost

your damn mind. Shoot, I DON'T CARE IF

YOU are Eva Menddees. Wait, what was the

question? Hm.

>> So, this is the message you want to send

to the young youth out here like myself

that's trying to do the right thing and

I love these hoes, huh? Wh What's all

this? Is this what's hot right now in

the streets? That's what's really hood,

huh? Off of some white girl who left you

for an R&B dancing ass sexy flexy ass

[ __ ]

>> And so, sweetie, that's why daddy is

staying over at the Freeman's house so

mommy can have her space.

>> So, you're not getting a divorce? Oh,

no, sweetie.

>> So, Usher won't be my new daddy.

>> What? No. That's [clears throat]

ridiculous.

>> Oh, are you sure? Maybe just for a

little while. I mean, you like it here,

don't you, Daddy? This is a pretty good

sized room.

>> Well, I don't know what we're going to

do, but we got to do

>> Here he comes.

>> Guys, I just wanted to thank you for

letting me stay here. I know it's been

an inconvenience. Not at all, John. You

take as much time as you need.

We got to do whatever it takes to get

him the hell up out of here.

>> Ooh, I got an idea.

>> Hey, Tom. Tom, get down here.

>> Uh, what's going on, guys?

[music]

>> Uh, Mr. Deborah, my name is a pimp named

Slickback. [music] And this, sir, is an

intervention.

>> An intervention?

>> Your friends, I have reason to believe

that you are suffering from chronic

[ __ ] dependency. Mr. Dubois, may I call

you Tom?

>> Is this some kind of joke?

>> Tom? [ __ ] dependency is no laughing

matter. Addiction to a [ __ ] can [ __ ]

with your friends, your health, and

scary enough, even your money. It's a

disease, Tom.

>> Wait, what was your name again?

>> Well, thank you for asking. My name is a

pimp named Slickback.

>> Wait, a pimp

>> named Slickback? Yes. Please say the

whole thing if you would. Yes, that

includes the a pimp named part. Yes,

Tom. Every time.

>> Look, Mr. A pimp named Slickback.

>> No need for the mister. I

>> I I don't think I need any help from

someone like you.

>> And by [laughter] someone like me, you

mean a pimp? A bad guy? Huh?

>> Look, I'm not trying to insult you. I

just don't approve of what you people do

to women.

>> Oh, [screaming]

so I'm wrong. So I'm messed up. Well,

which one of us is the one missing a

[ __ ] Tom, you don't see me running

around looking for a [ __ ] I know where

all my [ __ ] are. Thank you very much.

[ __ ] where you at? [bell]

>> I'm out here getting your money.

>> That's what the hell I thought. Thank

you, Grandma. Now look at you.

Bitchless. S beach, as the French in

France would say.

>> I've had enough. I'm going back

upstairs.

>> Tom. Tom. When we first let you stay

here, we thought it was only going to be

temporary. But damn, Tom, I just don't

see any end in sight.

>> It's only been 2 days.

>> Take a hush. You're living under my roof

now. If you stay here, you're going to

get some help.

>> You know what? I know a great therapist.

I'll make an appointment today.

>> That also would have been a good idea,

but we've already paid Mr. Pimp named

Slickback a retainer of $2,500. Robert,

you shouldn't have

>> with your credit card.

>> Oh, [music]

>> did you know that scientists now believe

that some people are actually born with

a genetic predisposition to [ __ ]

dependency? Tom,

>> and exactly when did you become a

relationship counselor?

>> Well, sharing this pimp knowledge for an

exorbitant fee is my way of giving

something back to the community, [music]

Tom. I want to help you, Tom. I do. But

I need you to help me help you. Huh?

Help me. Help me. Yeah. Okay.

>> Now, tell me if you [music] would about

this [ __ ] you have an unhealthy

dependency on.

>> Could we please not call her a [ __ ]

[ __ ]

>> Say it. [ __ ] Yes. Yes. We've got to

call her that, Tom. I'm sorry. After

what she's done, not calling her a [ __ ]

would be disrespectful to you, and I'm

not able to do that. Now, please

continue, Tom.

>> Well, my wife Sarah, I mean, she's the

best woman in the world.

We've had a great life together until

now.

[singing]

[music]

>> Baby's got blue eyes

like a deep [music and singing]

blue sea

[music]

on a blue [singing]

blue day.

It sounds to me, Tom, like some of the

passion has gone out of your marriage.

And perhaps you're not providing enough

excitement for her. It's a normal thing

in long-term relationships. [music]

>> And you can help me fix it.

>> Hell no. I'm going to help you make that

[ __ ] behave. She wants excitement, she

can take her ass to the movies.

>> [music]

>> Did you know that at least 75% of

[ __ ] suffer from some kind of hearing

loss? This alarming statistic means that

more likely than not, talking isn't the

most effective way to communicate with a

[ __ ] That's when you have to hit her.

>> Whoa. What?

>> You tell her what you wanted to do. If

she say no, hit the [ __ ] Simple.

>> But I I couldn't hit Sarah. I couldn't

hit any woman. Has not hitting the [ __ ]

been working? I mean, scientifically

speaking, has not hitting the [ __ ]

achieved the desired results?

>> No way. I just I I can't I I couldn't.

Tom,

>> I won't.

>> Tom, take a deep breath. It's okay.

People have phobias. Some [ __ ] can't

cross bridges. You can't go upside a

bitch's head. Okay, we can beat this. T.

This is my bottom [ __ ] sweetest taboo.

Now, she's going to help you learn how

to reestablish dominance at home.

Hello.

>> Taboo will be playing the role of your

wife. Now approach Taboo. Grab her arm

firmly and [music] command her to leave

with you.

>> Okay,

>> Sarah, get your behind.

>> Stop. Stop. Say [ __ ]

>> Do I have to call her a [ __ ] Really?

[music]

>> Yes, Tom. You have to call her a [ __ ]

Trust me on this one. I've done the

research. Now try again.

[ __ ] get your behind ass.

>> [ __ ] get your ass IN THE CAR.

>> GET MY ASS, YOU LITTLE DICK [ __ ]

[ __ ] IF YOU WAS ANY KIND OF

REAL MAN, I WOULDN'T BE HERE WITH US IN

THE FIRST PLACE.

>> WAIT, hold on. I I don't think that's

what Sarah would say.

>> It's now tragically obvious that

reasoning with the [ __ ] is not going to

work. Tom, you have to hit her.

>> I am an assistant district attorney for

Christ's sake. Tom, you have to get past

this.

>> It's okay, [ __ ] Really?

>> See, [ __ ] SHE JUST GAVE YOU

PERMISSION.

>> YOU see that? [ __ ] has no problem

hitting you.

>> All right, LADIES. OKAY, LOOK.

>> YOU'RE definitely allowed by law to hit

now.

Okay,

>> sweet. You are in rare form.

>> This is my state-of-the-art surveillance

center.

>> Why does a pimp need a surveillance

[music]

center? included in your retainer fee is

state-of-the-art bit surveillance. Quiet

storm here has been monitoring your

wife's conversations and emails.

>> Daddy, I've got transcripts of all the

conversations today. No mention of

Usher. I'm hacking into her email now,

but this computer is running a bit slow.

Perhaps if we didn't have dialup.

>> [ __ ] don't start with that we need

another computer [ __ ] again. You say

that [ __ ] every time a new iMac comes

out. You ain't slick. You better make

that deep work, [ __ ] and stop playing

with me.

>> Yes, daddy. Nothing in the email. Does

she have a MySpace page?

>> MySpace? [laughter]

I don't think Sarah would have.

>> Found it.

>> Huh? Since when did she have a MySpace

page?

>> You know what her password might be?

>> Oh, gosh golly. We We usually use each

other's middle names as passwords. So,

mine would be Lancaster. That's l

>> Got it. Password is Usher. Here we go.

Message to Usher. Looks like they're

getting together at 3:00 at the Woodrest

Chateau Hotel.

>> That's in an hour. WE HAVE TO GO. YOU

HAVE TO TAKE ME.

>> TOM, if you're not ready to take

control, then going there won't help. I

say let the [ __ ] go.

>> I paid you $2,000 and $500 as well.

>> Now, Tom, I hope you can appreciate our

no refunds policy. How about a

complimentary date with Swedish Taboo?

>> No, no, NO. YOU'RE STILL ON RETAINER.

And we're going now.

>> OH,

NOW THE [ __ ] can get some bass in his

voice.

>> Yeah, [ __ ] LET'S GO.

>> [music]

>> THERE THEY ARE.

>> That was really

>> remember to hit the [ __ ]

>> right?

>> Thank you so much for doing that. I

mean, that [music] was just you just

went above and beyond. I mean, really,

>> Sarah? I mean, [ __ ] Get your ass in

the car.

[laughter]

>> Excuse me, Dolomite. [music]

>> You heard me, P.

>> Tom, please calm down and let me go.

[music]

>> Hey, look, man. I think you should calm

down.

>> [screaming]

>> OH,

>> YOU CAN'T HAVE MY WIFE.

>> DUMB.

DADDY, WHAT DID YOU DO TO USHER?

[laughter]

>> JASMINE.

>> DADDY, leave us alone. [screaming] What

are you doing? [laughter] Why are you

TRYING TO KILL USHER?

>> YES.

>> USHER.

>> SUPERFLY. Jasmine wanted to meet Usher.

>> You're an animal. Is Usher okay?

>> So, you're not?

>> No.

>> Uh-huh. EASY BOYS

[screaming]

[screaming]

[ __ ] up, huh?

>> [music]

[music]

[music]

[music]

>> On the next Assy McGee, a perverted

pegle pirate is flashing his long john

silver. Oh, be pretty. Somebody's going

down.

>> What?

>> I'm going to

drink.

>> New Asie McGee.

>> Sanchez, you can't get an erection.

>> That's not true, Chief.

>> Tonight at 12:30, the swim. On April

18th, students from 20 [music] high

schools and eight Louisiana parishes

gathered for the fifth annual World War

II Quiz Bowl. From this intense contest,

two determined teams [music] have

emerged. And today, prepare to compete

for the ultimate victory. Cox

Communications presents the final round

of the National World War II Museum's

High School Quiz Bowl 2008. A nailbiting

championship contest that challenges the

finalist with educational and

entertaining World War II trivia.

Televised live from the Cox Studios.

Catch this exciting event Friday, May

9th at 6:30 p.m., only on Cox 10.

Own a Time Share or Campground

membership? Turn it into cash. Time

Shares Only got us our full asking price

before our next monthly payment was due.

>> Time Shares Only is the nation's

largest, [music] number one, most

successful time share agency,

representing properties from the biggest

names in the industry.

>> No one sells more time shares.

>> Call now and receive a free information

kit, including 10 secrets to time

shares. You owe it to yourself to work

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>> Call 8002197489.

Renew your skin with the Shic Quattro

Titanium Trimmer.

Four blades with titanium [music]

stay sharp to reduce irritation. An

edging blade adds precision and a

built-in trimmer makes it easy to

maintain your look. [ __ ] Quattro

titanium [music] trimmer for your skin.

>> I always thought designing websites

[music] was a really cool thing. Just

the theory of making something out of

nothing. I think I can change the world

with the web because I'm a child of

technology and I just don't know what I

would do without it.

>> Earn a degree in web graphic design from

Dra University and start to build your

portfolio. Call or log on now. You'll

get a jump start to your career as a web

designer and free video game demos.

>> I feel that DVR has equipped me with the

skills and the knowledge that I need to

perform [music] my job. And I know that

the Dev name goes very far. It's a big

university, but it has a [music] small

university feel.

>> Call or log on now to learn more about

this exciting degree and get inspired by

our free video game demos.

>> I can think of this great idea and not

be able to see it other than inside my

head and then run the program and have

it come to reality. I think that's

[music] pretty amazing.

>> Amazing things happen with a degree in

web graphic design. Defra University. We

major in careers

>> and that's what I love about web design.

>> Get it? Cuz you don't you don't play in

November.

>> The feast

is mine.

>> Yikes.

>> And away.

Who's that guy?

>> What an unusual character.

>> Tired? Need energy? STAGGER 26-HOUR

POWER EXTREME energy shot. Feel it fast.

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Energy that lasts. 6-hour extreme energy

shots. Available at your local

convenience store.

>> Hey, there's that Bamboo spot.

>> Oh, I love bamoo.com. Bamoo has many of

the great [music] products advertised on

Turner Broadcasting.

>> It's easy to shop online. You'll run

into stores or remembering phone

numbers. Just log on.

>> You know, we could do a Bamboo

commercial.

>> You think

I am the stone that the builder [music]

refused. I am the visual, the

inspiration that made ladies sing the

blues. [singing] I'm the spark that

makes your idea bright. The same spark

that lights the dark so that you can

know your left from your right. I am the

ballot in your box, the bullet in the

gun, the inner [music] globe and let you

know to call your brother son. The story

that just begun. The promise of what's

to come. And I'mma remain a soldier

[music] till the war is won.

We now return to Games Delicious

Resurrection.

>> Resurrection? Then the game ain't dead.

He was shot a bunch of times. All right.

At least he trying. By late last year,

the ongoing feud between Gangstericious

and his crew from New West Manchester,

Delaware.

>> Yeah, [ __ ] What's hood?

>> And Eat Dirt and his crew

>> from Lickickety Split, Virginia had

escalated to the brink of catastrophic

warfare.

>> Catastrophic warfare? It's just some

dumb [ __ ] beefing.

>> What you talking about, fool? This is

war.

>> Yeah, the [ __ ] version of the Cuban

Missile Crisis.

>> Tensions exploded at an award [music]

show last year when the chair

was thrown at E dirt.

>> All I'm saying is, you know what I'm

saying? Shit's real. You know what I'm

saying? [ __ ] just ain't music, right?

You know what I'm saying? This is some

bonafide, unimpeachable gangster [ __ ]

You know what I'm saying? It's some

indubable [ __ ] [ __ ]

>> What he said, Mucker?

>> Yeah, man. The [ __ ] don't think

got no son your pick on your foot, MAN.

[ __ ] [ __ ] what's [ __ ] with that,

[ __ ] Come on.

>> Look [snorts] here, man. A lot of these

[ __ ] trying to have what we didn't

have, but they ain't done what we didn't

done to have what we didn't have. You

know what I'm saying? Especially you,

Licious. You ain't done nothing.

>> Then later that year, an altercation in

the Miami nightclub between

Gangstericious and Eat Dirt ended in

violence.

In the resulting struggle, both rappers

accidentally shot themselves.

Man, when I got shot, I was like, you

know, never again. They ain't never

going to happen to me again. You know

what I'm saying?

>> What's up, world? I'm Sway and this is

my inexplicable head rap. We interrupt

Gangstericious resurrection for this

breaking news story. Rapper

Gangstericious has been shot

>> again.

>> Again.

>> I was so desperate for information on

the shooting. I watched that show my

brother calls THE NEWS.

>> OH [ __ ] [screaming] OH [ __ ] I SYNCED

IT. I SYNCED THE WHOLE THING. [ __ ] YOU

SHOULD HAVE SYNCED THAT [ __ ] I SAW IT.

OH, GREAT. Black eyewitness men. I hate

black eyewitness men with my OWN EYES,

[ __ ] DAMN, THAT [ __ ] WAS CRAZY, [ __ ]

I seen everything. HOLD UP, [ __ ]

THAT'S ME ON TV, BABY. YEAH, [ __ ]

[screaming]

YEAH. I ain't got your money, [ __ ]

>> JESUS, it was terrible. I was in the

club as I was in the club and this [ __ ]

stepped on my shoe and I was like,

"BITCH." And then some [ __ ] started

shooting. I was like, there he go. HE

DONE [ __ ] IT UP FOR EVERYBODY.

>> So what had happened was Gangster

Delicious was doing a show in town when

three men rushed the stage and shot him.

Ironically, he was doing his new joint,

I got shot at the time.

>> I got shot.

>> I got shot.

>> OH, I GOT SHOT. I GOT SHOT.

>> NO, I GOT SHOT FOR REAL.

>> I GOT SHOT FOR REAL.

>> NO. GOD DAMN IT. I GOT SHOT. [ __ ] SHOT

ME. I'M BLEEDING. I'M A DIE. Somebody

please help me. Help me.

>> Help me.

Godamn.

>> It was 45 minutes before anyone called

an ambulance.

>> Gangstericious got shot

>> again.

>> We got to do something. I got an idea.

Let's go to college so we don't end up

like Gangstericious. That boy got shot

again. That's a shame.

>> A shame. Granddad, a [ __ ] stepping on

your sneakers is a shame. This is a

catastrophe. It's catastrophic. Can I go

to the hospital and visit

Gangstericious?

>> Boy, are you stupid?

>> M I don't think so. Look, Gangstericious

needs his street soldiers to protect

him. The hospital's only 15 minutes

away.

>> I said no.

It is a shame.

It's a damn shame.

My family didn't understand about being

a street soldier. Gangstericious needed

my help. I had to get to that hospital.

Oh no, I'M FALLING DOWN STEPS.

OKAY.

[groaning]

I fell down the steps. I got to go to

the hospital.

>> You ain't going to that hospital.

>> No, really. I can't get up. Where's the

love?

Huh?

>> Oh no, I got hit by.

>> You ain't going to that hospital. Get

your little butt up. Trying to pull that

bull jive on me. Come on. Get it. Get

up. Get up. Get up. Get up. [laughter]

Come on. Come on.

>> Where is your glass, boy?

>> Glass? I don't need no glass. I takes

mine to the head.

A full day supply of vitamin C. Ow.

>> Boy, have you lost your mind? How are

you going to drink my orange juice out

OF THE GARDEN? I don't know where your

nasty lips have been.

>> I know one thing. I ain't going to the

stove to get no more. See, I was like

all in the granddad's mental mind. It

was like psychology but in reverse.

the store and back. That's it. No

hospital. Take my phone so I can reach

you, but don't call anyone.

>> Dad, granddad, is that a cell phone or a

cordless pay phone?

>> Shut up.

>> This thing looks like a laptop.

>> Stay away from that hospital.

>> I headed straight for the hospital.

Nearly a week had passed since the

shooting and things seemed like they was

back to normal.

Excuse

me. I'm looking for Gangstericious.

And who are you? I'm one of his many

illegitimate children.

Fifth floor.

Thanks, Delicious.

>> Hey, what's up, little man? Who are you?

>> Hey, uh, my name's Riley and, uh, I'm

one of your fans.

[snorts]

>> That was close. Come on in.

>> Hey, I live around here and I just

wanted to let you know that, you know,

it wasn't nobody in my crew that did the

shooting.

>> Yeah. Yeah. I appreciate that, little

man.

>> Does it hurt?

>> What? This? No. No. Oh,

no. No. No. Hey, I'm fine. I'm chilling,

man. Hey, man. You want to hang out for

a little bit? Get that chair over there

real quick. Don't worry about it. I

ain't Michael Jackson.

>> You said Michael Jackson, man. That's

funny, Gangstericious.

So, who you think it was that tried to

assassinate you? Was it Eat Dirt?

>> No. No, it wasn't E dirt. It was these

dudes I used to hold money to back when

I was in the drug game.

>> Wow, that's so real. The drug game.

>> Word. That's real spit.

That's why I tell kids like you, the

drug game is cool, you know, but in some

ways it's not cool. But but mostly it's

cool. Well, I know getting shot must be

cool. You think they going to come back?

>> Hell to the news, y'all. After I got

shot, I was like, "God is watching over

me." You know, it's like that [ __ ] from

Pope Fiction said, "God, God involved.

God is gangster, [ __ ] So, anybody want

to come get me, they got to go through

God. I don't fe God." You know what I'm

saying? Beside, ain't nobody going to

come up here and get us. Cops

everywhere.

>> I didn't see no cops.

They ain't no cops out there.

>> Nope.

>> Not any house through the security or

nothing? Nothing?

>> Not that I saw.

>> You sure? I mean, they said they was

going to stay till I was, you know,

until I left. I mean, not that I want

them there, cuz I don't. You know what

I'm saying? I'll probably shoot them or

something. They was there, but, you

know, they just supposed to be there.

So, I wish they Are they there? Could

you check?

>> I'll check again.

>> Yeah. Yeah, you do that.

We're looking for gangstericious.

We're wellwishes.

[singing]

>> What's the big deal about what's his

name? Bubbalicious.

>> It's Gangstericious. Dumb [ __ ] love

Gangstericious the way fat women love

Oprah. Grandad.

[singing]

>> What the hell is thug and love? Who we

want thug and love?

>> Is that when you make love to your

woman, then right before that special

moment, you you beat upside the head,

snatch a person, AND THROW HER DOWN THE

STAIRS?

>> Where the hell is that boy?

Where's my goddamn orange juice, BOY?

YOU HEAR ME? What you doing? Growing the

oranges?

>> Uh, the bike got a flat, grandad, but

everything's cool. I'm walking to the

store.

>> My god, that's a big phone. I am a

collector of incredibly large antique

electronics. Can I buy that from you? Go

away.

>> It's so big. I'll give you 50 bucks for

it.

>> Get the beans anyway. And bring me a can

of THAT SPRAY.

>> OKAY. OKAY. 70.

>> HEY, HOMIE.

>> I got to have my egg with my orange

juice.

>> Uh uh.

>> Yo, hold up, little man.

>> All right. All right. Bye.

>> $110.

It's enormous.

The clothes

damn

flawless. Come on. Come on, man. Come

on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on.

>> I'm telling you, Bernie, the police

left. WELL, THE LABEL SHOULD BE

PROVIDING THE SECURITY. THIS IS

[ __ ] NO. NO. NO. THAT IS

UNACCEPTABLE. I JUST GOT MY BLACK ASS

SHOT HERE AND ALL YOU GOT FOR ME IS

HELLO. HELLO, ERNIE.

>> [ __ ]

coming.

>> Come on, man. This way.

>> All the folks talking about save me.

Wasn't nothing wrong with slavery. At

least we got good food back then.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Fight man show could be

your

>> Where's gangsterious?

>> Say that again. I couldn't hear you over

the sound of me [ __ ] myself.

We now return to Gangstericious

Resurrection.

The judge allowed Gangaicious's music to

be introduced as evidence at his assault

trial. They played for the jury a track

called Play It for the Jury.

[singing and music]

>> I keep telling these people this [ __ ] is

supposed to be just music. You know what

I'm saying? I mean, you really think

about it. Is it worth it? You know what

I'm saying? I mean, somebody could get

hurt.

>> That boy don't look that tough to me,

>> man. Riley should be seeing this.

Damn, [ __ ] you short.

>> You You don't understand. I know this

guy. He is crazy. He like got chemical

imbalance or something.

>> I'm just saying, man, you look much

taller in the videos.

>> DO YOU HEAR WHAT I SAYING TO YOU? THE

NIGGA'S A RAGE A HOLY WE'RE BOTH GOING

TO DIE.

>> WHAT HAPPENED TO I don't fear no man but

God.

>> Correction. God and the [ __ ] that shot

me. Oh Lord, what is he going to do,

>> man? Just get yourself together. You

making me scared.

>> Hey, I'm tripping, man. They got a [ __ ]

medicated and [ __ ] It's the painkillers

and you know

sucress [ __ ] I'm cool. I'm cool.

THERE THEY ARE. RIGHT OVER THERE.

THANKS. Now go change your pants.

>> WE'RE GOING TO DIE.

>> RUN, [ __ ]

>> Oh no.

>> Where's your gun?

>> Oh yeah. Yeah. Y'all [ __ ] is in for

now.

We need a car. We going to have to jack

someone. Where's your gun?

>> I dropped a gun.

>> You dropped a gun?

>> What's done is done. Let's be

solutionoriented.

>> You man.

>> HOW YOU GOING TO DROP THE GUN?

GANGSTERICIOUS. THAT IS NOT GANGSTER.

That's very not gangster. Man, I can't

believe this. You a fraud.

>> Oh. Oh. Oh. I'm a fraud. You scared,

too.

>> I'm eight.

>> Okay, fine. Fine. Whatever. I'm a fraud.

I'm a fraud. I'm just an average normal

dude. I don't want to do this stupid

[ __ ] no more. I'm tired of getting shot.

Help.

>> It's like going to heaven and finding

God smoking crack.

>> Holy [ __ ] I can't believe it's you,

dude. You're the [ __ ] Thug in love.

What?

>> So, uh, I'll just wait here then.

>> Oh god. Where are we going to go?

>> To the airport. You got your jet there,

right?

>> What?

>> The G4, the one in the [ __ ] on Fly

video.

>> We rented that jet.

>> Oh, unbelievable, man. You broke, too,

man. I WANT TO GO HOME, MAN. I DIDN'T

LISTEN to my granddad.

You going [screaming] to get us killed?

>> Put your seat belt on. It's the law and

it's a good idea,

>> man. Just go faster.

I told you put your seat belt on, but

no. Them [ __ ] got to do their thing.

>> I got this [ __ ] NOW.

>> SLOW DOWN, [screaming] [ __ ] YOU'RE

WELCOME.

>> Sup now, [ __ ] Open the door.

>> Mm-

>> open. Hey, open the door.

>> Think if you don't open this door.

>> I told you this [ __ ] was crazy.

You know my favorite rapper was when I

was your age? Ice Cube.

>> The dude that makes family movies. He

was a gangster rapper.

>> He was so gangster. I used to have

dreams that Ice Cube came to my house

and killed my whole family. And for some

reason, I thought he was so cool and I

wanted to be him. And when I started

[music] to act like that, like a killer,

people like me, girls, you know,

whatever. But I really wasn't that

person and finally caught up with me.

I'm sorry you got caught in the middle.

Please, Lincoln, you are taking this

[ __ ] too far. This tape is itchy.

>> Should have thought of that before you

did what you did, Frederick.

>> Look, guys, don't kill him. Whatever he

did, he ain't do nothing to deserve this

man. This is about things you're too

young to understand, little man. This is

about

thugging love.

I loved you, man.

>> What?

>> You broke my heart, man.

>> What? What the

>> [ __ ] is still kissing.

Oh, they busted slop. Oh, man.

I can't take it.

>> I was on tour. You got to understand I

was lonely.

Oh god.

>> Turn around, [ __ ]

>> Walk forward, [ __ ]

We could have had a laugh together, man.

[screaming and groaning]

>> [music]

[singing]

>> Huh?

>> [ __ ] We missed.

>> I can't believe this, man. We suck.

>> Hey, get back here.

>> Hey, come on, MAN.

>> DO YOU SEE HIM?

>> I can't see anything, man. Yo,

>> how you at?

>> I'm away from around there.

>> I can't believe that damn boy.

>> And then they threw us in the truck and

and then they was about to EXECUTE

GANGSTER DELICIOUS.

>> AWAY FROM THE HOUSE and don't COME BACK

WITH NO ORANGE JUICE.

>> AND THAT'S WHEN ONE OF THEM DUDES

KNOCKED ME OUTSIDE MY HEAD, RIGHT? AND I

WAS HAVING LIKE CRAZY dreams like

Gangstericious was kissing the other

dude. Someone crazy this man. Anyway,

when I came too, they was gone and I

came home. Hello then. What are these

kids doing today?

>> And you really shot one of them dudes at

the hospital.

>> Oh, hell yeah. See, GANGSTERICIOUS

DROPPED HIS GUN, RIGHT? And I PICKED IT

UP AND I WAS LIKE, KAPLOW, KAPLOW. IT

WAS LIKE SOME OLD GIANT WIT.

>> AH, let me take my medication. I need to

take my medicicious start crying and

[ __ ] And I'm like, quit crying.

>> Tonight,

I

must be a dream. What the heck is going

on around here?

>> [music]

[screaming]

>> On all new Squid Billies, a deep fried

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>> This bird is dead.

>> Oh man, will you look at that? I think I

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>> Oh, that's awful. Little club soda take

bamboozled

scout ting

confidence resto.

>> Feel my spray.

>> You son of a [ __ ]

>> Tonight at 12:15 on Adult Swim.

>> Whoa. Neat freak.

That's it.

That's not a smell that comes out of a

person.

There's been an incident.

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>> [music]

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[music]

>> What's the matter?

>> Okay. All right, everybody, quiet down

now.

All right, get it out of your system.

All right, ready? Three, two, All right,

that's great. Listen, it's great to be a

kid and keep talking, but I we have to

start.

>> Oh, well.

>> All right. Uh, walk-athon. Who knows

what a walk-athon is? Um, okay. Let me

explain. Walkathon. You walk. You

collect money. Um, do you collect money

for walking?

>> Walking by you.

>> Sounds like a big wot t.

>> Definitely.

>> What's that?

>> It's a waste of time, Mr. Lynch.

>> Oh, clever. That's a little uh whatever

it's called.

>> It's an A.

>> Thank you.

>> But I'm talking about walk-athons here.

I haven't told you the part that makes

the whole walk-athon thing good. Okay.

It is for the homeless people. What's

that?

>> There are people that are homeless.

Obviously, homeless is the adjective.

People being the noun, right? So, uh

class, uh we have to collect as much

money as we can to help the homeless.

But, uh the most important thing is we

have to beat those fifth graders. Okay?

Beat the fifth graders. Collect more

money. They always collect the most

money. And I hate them. Mrs. Jackson's

class last year, actually, you know

what? For the last four years, has

collected more money. They are no longer

winners. We are the winners. Who's the

winners? We are.

>> Who hates the fifth graders?

>> You.

>> No. No. Class, we all hate them. Who

hates the fifth graders?

>> We all do.

>> Right on.

>> Mom, that's a 50.

>> Yeah. And [laughter]

>> is that too much?

>> I don't think so, Brendan. There's

plenty more where that came from. Or at

least there will be.

>> Meaning Meaning

>> Meaning I'm going to get a raise.

>> Oh, that's great.

>> Well, I mean, I'm going to ask for a

raise. Well, that's practically great

>> because things have been going very very

well at work and I think it's time to

strike while the iron's hot

>> or or it'll get cold.

>> Yeah.

>> And you can't strike cold iron.

>> No.

>> Can you?

>> I I don't know. But but mom, if you want

me to go in and play your crippled

child, I will. Just

>> I might not even need you to, Brendan.

>> Oh, so that means uh

>> Yes. We're going to have enough money to

get the kitchen remodeled. You know how

I hate the kitchen, Brendan.

>> Have you thought about talking to the

kitchen and telling it how you feel?

>> You know what might be fun? Let's pick

out some counter tile that we can both

agree on.

>> Nope. See you later, Mom.

>> No, you can't.

>> Yes, I can.

>> No, you can't.

>> I think I can.

>> I don't think you can.

>> Yes, I can. Y I see.

>> NYC.

>> Y IC

>> NYC.

>> If you doubt me, I will grow stronger.

>> Brendan, you cannot win a walk-athon.

>> All right, team. Coach McGherk has to

run a little errand right now, but uh

keep practicing until I come back.

>> Where are you going?

>> None of your business. Uh, on second

thought, who wants to come with coach

Mgherk to identify a body? Anybody?

Anyway, you know, like I I told him, you

know, walkathon. Yeah, I'll do that. You

know, sure. But you runathon, I wouldn't

do a runner. You want to see an

8-year-old have a heart attack?

>> Hey, uh, Brendan, you have a couple of

bucks for gas. You want to kick in here?

Um uh look, I'll get the gas, but that's

it.

Look, I'll get the soda, but that's it.

Look, I'll get the bagels, but that's

it. Look, I'll get the pants, but that's

it. Hey, what is 15% of 3950?

>> Just move the decimal, Brendan. And then

add 15. What the hell are we doing? I'm

supposed to be at the morg identifying a

body.

>> Well, he's not going anywhere, coach.

>> Why?

>> Coach said to keep practicing. I'm cold.

I'm always cold.

>> Me, too. I have a thyroid condition. Is

that true?

>> Yeah, that's cool. I wish I had one.

>> Will you hold me? Um, cuz I'm freezing.

>> Everybody's looking.

>> I don't care. Everybody's looking, but I

don't care either. Let him look, cuz

hugging is great.

>> I love to hug, too. Look, everybody,

we're hugging. WE DON'T CARE. WE'RE

COLD.

>> OH, WOW. YUCK, MAN. It's weird seeing a

dead body, Brendan, and it's weird.

Yeah.

>> Weird seeing it with you. I kind of feel

like I shouldn't have brought you here,

you know? I mean, you are eight and

>> No, I'm cool.

>> All right,

>> I'm cool.

>> Don't tell your mom that I brought you

to see a dead body.

Oh, yuck.

>> Wow.

>> Wow.

>> Yeah,

>> man. Is he ugly?

>> Coach, do you know that guy?

>> Hey, Brendon, you don't have to whisper.

He's dead. I mean, look at him.

>> Yeah. Who is this?

>> It's my uncle Pedro. That's my dad,

Uncle Pedro. Yeah.

>> Did he just wink?

>> Man, Brendon, that was weird, huh?

>> Yeah.

>> Yeah. Believe me, when you get older,

this is going to disturb you.

>> Right. Not that I'm not totally

disturbed now.

>> I'll tell you something, Brendon. Life

is funny. Didn't know the guy at all.

You know, it's actually the first time I

met him.

>> Yeah. It's like when some movie opens,

Brendon and closes in the same weekend

cuz they didn't advertise enough, you

know.

>> Yeah. Then you hear the movie was crappy

anyway, so you didn't miss much, right?

>> Right.

>> But was it crappy? You know, I mean,

yeah.

>> Was it? You don't know, right?

>> Cuz you didn't see it,

>> right? Huh.

>> I guess you're left trying to figure it

out is what my point is.

>> It's weird. It just doesn't make sense.

>> Yeah. I guess a lot of stuff doesn't

make sense after you've seen a dead

body, you know.

Hey, Brendon, you think what I'm

thinking?

>> Man, this movie is crappy. Yeah, you're

telling me.

>> Hey, Brendan, I'm putting you in charge

of operation popcorn.

>> I I kept him.

>> What?

>> Oh my god. Oh no.

>> What?

>> Oh man, I spent all the money.

>> Well, go pass the can around and then

bring back popcorn.

>> All right, everyone. Uh, put your

homeless money in the barrel.

>> Here you go, Mr. Lynch.

>> Uh, Bridg Melissa. Oh, that sounds like

a lot. It's about $4.

>> Fantastic.

>> Whoa there, Brendan. Uh, what did you

just uh dump into the barrel?

>> Um, nothing.

>> This isn't money. The These are rocks.

>> I'm uh I'm aware of that.

>> You gave the homeless four rocks.

>> Actually, three. Three rocks.

>> But the homeless don't need rocks. What

are they going to do with extra rocks?

Eat them?

>> No, Brendan. What they need is money.

Now, didn't you collect any money?

>> I uh I guess I I didn't.

>> Oh, Brendan,

>> I know. I mean,

>> Brendan, it's it's all right. It's all

right. Some people are better at

collecting money than others.

>> Yeah,

>> but don't let that discourage you.

>> I won't.

>> Look, here's here's $10. I'll just put

$10 in the barrel.

>> This will start you off. Okay. Now,

let's let's see if we can't collect more

money for tomorrow. Okay.

>> Yep. Okay.

>> Okay. Okay. That goes for all of you

class. Uh we need more money here. More

money so I can beat those fifth graders

because we want to beat who?

>> The homeless.

No, the the fifth graders. Come on.

>> Fifth graders.

>> And who are we putting money in the

barrel for?

>> You.

>> Who do we No, no, no. The homeless.

Everyone, who do we like?

>> Homeless.

>> Okay, just the ladies.

>> Homeless.

>> Yes.

>> Brendan, do you feel like doing a role

playing game?

>> Oh, no. I'd rather just do nothing.

>> Well, in this one, you'll be my boss.

>> Um, okay. If I film it.

>> Oh, the camera makes me nervous.

>> Oh, come on, Mom. Look. Look, we'll

watch the tape and we'll critique your

performance.

>> Okay, just let me change into something

else.

>> Mom,

>> where's my boa?

>> I actually have that downstairs.

>> Okay, this will have to do. Okay, here

we go.

>> Okay. Um All right. Wait, what's your

boss's name?

>> His His name is Arnold Linden.

>> Oh, ouch. Okay, give me a second to get

into character. Arnold Linden. Okay.

Okay, I got it.

>> Ready? Thank you for seeing me, Mr.

Linden.

>> Call me Arie, please.

>> Okay, Arie.

>> I changed my mind. Call me Mr. Linden.

Now, why am I here seeing you right now

here at this office? Yeah.

>> I wanted to talk to you about my current

financial payment area.

>> Whoa, wait a minute. Are you going to

say that?

>> I'm going to clean it up a little bit,

Brendon.

>> Let's try it again.

>> Okay.

>> All right. Um, now then, why are you

here?

>> Because I'd like my raise now, please.

>> That's weird. More more confidence.

>> Okay.

>> Okay.

>> Mr. Lynenson, I'm asking you for a

raise.

>> Good. How much would you would you like?

>> 20%.

>> Ha. Done. Put it there,

>> Mr. Linden. Thank you. Now get out of

here, you goose.

>> Thank you, Mr. Lindenson.

>> All right, cut.

>> Okay, how'd I do?

>> Um, well, it needs work, but you know

what you got going for you? It's called

the pity factor.

>> Uh-huh.

>> And I felt sorry for you, and I just

wanted you to have that raise.

>> So, that was good.

>> Yeah, that was good. How did I do?

>> Uh, not so good.

>> You know, maybe I should meet him so I

can do a better job imitating him.

>> You don't want to meet him, Brendon?

>> No. Why don't I want to meet him?

>> Well, he has this weird energy about

him.

>> Cool.

>> Juliet. Juliet. Juliet, are you there?

Okay, I have several instructions.

First, I'm leaving for the day. I have I

have one instruction. I'm leaving for

the day. Okay, here's what I'm doing.

I'm leaving for the day. Okay, I want

you to clean this place. All right, I

want you to clean it. Not so much [ __ ]

and span, more span. Okay, here's the

system. If yes, then don't answer. It's

a system. Or it could be also referred

to as a code. Okay, do you understand

the system? Nothing. If yes, we start

the system now. What? Hello? Do you

didn't just right now say anything, did

you? Because I was talking a lot, so

maybe I didn't hear what YOU SAID. IF

YES, say nothing. Nothing. Nothing is

what I'm hearing. Juliet,

is that a yes, Juliet?

>> No.

>> What did we say? No meant.

[music]

[screaming]

Uhoh.

UHOH. KEYS IN CAR.

>> [screaming]

>> OH NO. OH,

BIKER.

[music]

UH, hey coach. Uh, hi. Uh, I'm uh

wondering if I could possibly be a

reimburse for that uh little road trip

we took the other day.

>> Brendon, where's the fire? I told you

you're going to get it, right? Well,

yeah, I know, but uh I could get in

trouble here. So, you know,

>> what are you, the mob? Huh? No.

>> Are you the collector? No.

>> Are you the IRS?

>> Can I please the tax man?

>> No. Can I please have my money?

>> Give me some space here, Brendan. All

right.

>> Well, I'm just, you know, it's it's been

a few days, so

>> Well, I happen to be in a cash crunch

right now.

>> Well, aren't we all? That's

>> Are you think I get paid well for this

job?

>> I don't want to answer that.

>> Point is, I don't.

>> Okay. Well, um

>> on a teacher salary here, Brendan, and I

guess the government has decided not to

pay teachers well. Yeah,

>> cuz they're doing the most important job

in the country,

>> right? We can do this all day, but I'm

I'm in danger of getting in trouble and

you just Oh, man.

>> Hey, you know what?

>> What?

>> I'm supposed to go to a will reading for

my dead uncle, the guy you met.

>> What? Uncle Pedro?

>> Yeah. Remember I introduced you?

>> Yeah,

>> that's right. So, you know, I'm sure

there's some cash coming my way. If

you'd like to come, you could probably

collect.

>> Yeah.

>> You think of what I'm thinking?

>> I think so.

>> Road trip.

>> [music]

>> Well, um, first of all, of course, uh,

my condolences.

>> Right on, man.

>> Yeah. Um, and this is your son?

>> What? Oh, him?

>> Me?

>> Yes.

>> Yeah. No, I don't think so. Not Not this

guy.

>> If this was my son, I'd kill myself.

[laughter]

>> I'd kill him, too.

>> All right. Shut up, Brenda.

>> You shut up.

>> Okay, then.

>> Okay.

>> All right.

>> All right. So, let's get this started.

>> Yeah. Bren, let him handle it.

>> Hey, look. I need the money.

>> Well, uh Okay.

>> Okay.

>> Um let me get right to business here. I

don't know if you uh knew this about

your uncle. He was a very successful

sausage earier. That's that's uh you

know, one one who uh makes sausages.

>> Wow. I thought what I did was

embarrassing. And uh he did make a very

comfortable living and he in fact

mentioned in his will uh that he wanted

to give you the family business.

>> Oh yeah.

>> Uh though he reconsidered. He did

however leave you something that was

very very dear to him. Something that he

had hoped you would um cherish as much

as he did. Uh here it is. His last

remaining sausage.

Enjoy.

>> That's it.

>> That's it.

>> A frozen sausage.

>> Mhm.

>> What about money? Um, I'm afraid not.

>> Well, give me some money.

>> I I

>> That's why I came here.

>> I'm sorry. That's um You're looking at

it.

>> He left me a frozen sausage. That's what

you're telling me?

>> Frozen sausage.

>> So

>> So my uh secretary will see you out.

Thank you for coming.

>> Oh my life.

[music]

>> Sir, this is vintage sausage. Take a

look at it again.

>> No, I will not look at that.

>> Look, I'm doing you a favor.

>> Take this sausage and get the hell out

of here.

>> Just give me 10 bucks.

>> $5.

>> Seven. $6.

>> I ain't giving this for six.

>> Get the hell out of here.

>> Look at it.

>> Get out of here right now.

>> Uh, send in whoever is my next person to

see me. Please, Juliet, please send them

in, please.

>> Hello. Oh my god. Are you okay?

[laughter]

>> Fantastic.

What? Because I'm covered in bandages.

>> Well, yeah.

>> Now, what brings you here, Mrs. Small?

Well, I've been I've been teaching here

for about three years now. Mr. Lindson,

>> teaching here for about three years now.

>> I'm afraid you're going to have to speak

up.

>> I was just saying

>> bring it up,

>> Mr. Lind.

>> Lock it down.

>> I mean, I've been teaching here for

about 3 years now, and I think that it's

about time.

>> Uhhuh.

>> That Well, no. No.

>> Paula, please don't belabor it.

>> Spare change. Spare change. Not for me.

for a for a walk-athon thing. Anybody

want to donate to a walk-athon thing?

You over here?

>> Hey. Hey, you.

>> Hi there.

>> You're on my corner. This is my corner.

>> Oh, no, no, no. It [laughter] It's not

like that. It It must look that way. But

you see, this is uh for you and uh your

your people.

>> Thank you. Thank you very much. I

appreciate it.

>> I certainly wish it were that easy, sir.

No, I have to walk some amount of miles

or something first. So, it's totally

impossible. But there is a number on

this can that you can call if you'd like

to complain.

>> Spit it out, Paula.

>> I want a raise. [laughter]

>> Come on. Seriously, why are you really

here? Is the self-defense class next

door getting too loud?

>> Well, actually, it is, but that's not

why I'm here. I'm here because I want to

raise.

>> Oh, no. You cannot have a raise. Raise

for you. Not happening. Not now. No way.

I'm afraid not. I'm frightened. NOT. NO

RAISE. YEAH.

>> Are you sure?

>> Oh, I'm I'm more than sure. How much

were YOU GOING TO ASK me for, if you

don't mind?

>> 20%. [laughter]

>> Are you serious?

>> 12%.

>> That's more like it.

>> Really? If we were really talking here.

Sure.

>> 10%.

>> Done.

>> Really?

>> No. I thought we were just doing a

thing.

>> Oh boy.

>> Like a raise. Like a routine about

getting a raise.

>> Okay. This is This is not great.

>> Hey, come on. Look. I'll tell you what

I'm going to do, Paula. Paula,

>> I'm going to tell you what I'm going to

do and then I probably won't do it. I'm

going to talk to the rest of the board.

I'm not even familiar with the board,

but I'm gonna talk to them and I'm gonna

see what I can do about the volume

problem with the self-defense class next

door. NOW, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT?

HUH?

[sighs]

[cough and laughter]

>> How do I look, father?

>> Oh, son. Not so good. You were crushed

by this wall here. I'm I'm afraid you

only have a few more minutes to live.

>> Well, that sucks, father. Yes, it does,

my little lamp of God. Yes, it does.

>> I suppose you're here to give me my last

rights then, huh?

>> Yes.

>> Hold on there. I'm trying to reach my

wallet.

>> Oh, no, my son. Last rights are free.

>> Since when?

>> Since always.

>> Let me give you something at least.

>> No, it's really not necessary.

>> Please, let me just give

>> Well, anything you could spare the

church would be greatly appreciated.

>> That wasn't too tough. Is there

anything, my son, that you would like to

confess before you die and go to hell?

>> What?

>> Heaven? Sorry.

>> Oh. Um,

>> I'm offering you a chance to be absolved

of your sins.

>> How do I know you won't go blabbing,

though?

>> Well, you sort of don't.

>> So, what are you saying?

>> What are you saying?

>> What are you saying?

>> What are you saying?

>> You know, forget it. I I'll confess.

>> All right. Hit me with it. Chop chop.

>> Well, I accidentally stole some money

once.

>> Oh, dear. From who?

>> From a charity.

>> You're kidding.

>> No, no, I'm I'm afraid I did. I was

young, naive. I I really didn't know.

>> Hey, everybody.

>> Whoa.

>> Guess what?

>> What are you doing?

>> This guy steals from charities,

>> YOU KNOW. PLEASE.

>> I KNOW.

>> Please don't do that.

>> I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT EITHER.

>> Please don't do that.

>> That's never We never got one like that.

>> Hey, please.

>> All right. I'll check you later.

>> Thank you, man. No wonder a wall fell on

you. That's bad karma.

>> Wait, hold on. Priests don't believe in

karma. Did Wait, what? Are you Catholic?

>> Actually, I'm um Jewish.

>> But I thought you were a priest.

>> Yeah, I do get that a lot.

>> Yeah, but you're dressed like a priest.

Yeah, it's laundry day. I'm down to my

priest outfit. Look, buddy. I got a

split. Hope everything goes well with

the wall slowly crushing you.

>> To understand what you're trying to say

in your writing assignments.

>> Okay,

>> you can go on thinking the words are

spelled the way you think, but people

like me will be able to understand.

Look, Paula, I want to apologize about

how I feel like I came across the other

day.

>> Don't bother. It's okay.

>> No, no, no. I think I might have been a

little discouraging when I I didn't mean

to be. See, I was feeling a little

irritable because I was and still am in

a great deal of pain. Paula,

>> I hear that.

>> Okay, I'm sorry.

>> Mhm.

>> But I have been thinking about what you

said.

>> You mean about my raise?

>> What raise? I asked you for a raise the

other day.

>> What did I say?

>> You laughed AND SAID NO. [laughter]

>> AH, THAT SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING I'D DO.

ABSOLUTELY. That's me up and down the

line. But no, Paula, I've been thinking

about the other thing you said. You

know, remember the volume problem with

the self-defense class,

>> right?

>> And I'm afraid that I couldn't do

anything for you. And I'm sorry. Yep,

you heard me. I'm sorry. I am sorry. And

I am sorry ABOUT THAT.

BUT I would like to make it up to you.

Do you like Italian food?

>> Yes.

>> Here, take this. I couldn't finish my

lunch, but it's pasta or something and

it's still warm.

>> What are you talking about, Mr. Lynon?

>> Take it, Paula. Please. It would make me

feel better.

>> Whatever you say, Mr. Lynon.

>> I'm going to be honest with you, Paula.

It's really not my pasta.

>> Uhhuh.

>> I think it's hospital food.

Hey, Brendan. Brendan, wake up my little

lemon cake.

>> Brought you some breakfast,

>> Brendan.

[gasps]

Oh, thanks, Mom. Oh, boy. Hey, this is

great. What time IS IT? OH MY GOD, I

MISSED THE WALKATHON.

That that no good little walk-athon

skipper. Son of a gun. That little

redhead smart alec. That little red

schoolhouse. That little [ __ ] bopa bop

bam boom. That little tutti frutti. That

little Hey, I got my quarterback.

[music]

>> I guess the kitchen isn't going to be

remodeled anytime soon. Brendan,

>> we hardly use the kitchen anyway.

Mom, don't exactly answer right now, but

I have a little proposition.

>> Oh my god, what a crappy movie.

>> Weird old fool dies, leaves me a

sausage. Not money, a sausage. His money

is something I could use. I have to eat

this repugnant sausage because I have no

food. Sausage is probably 18 years old.

This thing could vote. This thing could

go to war and die for its country.

Oh my sweet heaven. That is

It's incredible.

Huh? Save some for me.

[music]

ALVIN,

>> SIMON,

>> who's that?

>> And Theodore. Who could ask for anything

more?

>> Don't miss Alvin and the Chipmunks.

>> Cool.

>> There's no bee.

quite like this bee.

>> I got to say something. You like jazz.

>> Order Bem movie tonight.

>> To order anytime, go to the on demand

channel and select the movies on demand

category.

>> Lots of parents [music] install alarm

systems to protect their homes from

prowlers. But how do you protect your

kids from the predators who prowl the

internet? Teach your kids not to talk to

strangers online and never to share

personal information. [music]

monitor where they're going on the web.

It's not nosy, it's good parenting. I'm

proud to partner with Cox Communications

to [music] help safeguard our nation's

children. To learn more, visit

cox.com/takecharge.

Our children are our crown jewels.

[music] Let's protect them.

>> Be careful, Jimmy.

>> I'm fine, Mom.

>> I'm bored.

Can you hear me now?

>> Good, cuz we're going to need two rooms

with king-size beds and a spa treatment

for my wife.

>> We test our network every day.

>> Spa treatment, honey.

>> So, you get America's most reliable

network, Verizon Wireless. This Mother's

Day, get Mama Venus. Or for just $99,

get her a Pink Pearl.

[laughter]

The new Butterfinger Comedy Network,

only on Yahoo. Good times, man. Good

times. [laughter]

>> Go to Yahoo and search Butterfinger.

>> How does new edgy clips give you such a

close and comfortable shave?

>> New Edge Eclipse. Get your edge. How

does the bold fragrance in New Edge

Energy get your morning off the ground?

Edge energy. Get your edge.

There are those who dedicate themselves

to a sense of honor,

to a life of courage. and a commitment

to something greater than themselves.

They have always defended this nation

and each other. They still do.

The few, the proud,

the Marines,

>> or to speak to someone directly, say,

"Agent

Got it.

>> The ridiculously long-lasting gum. New

Stride Sweet Berry. [music]

[music]

One, two, three, four.

Heat. Heat.

[music]

[music]

[music]

>> [music]

[music]

>> The tomb of the pharaoh Amen Hotep.

Buried alive within are his scribes, his

wives, his royal owls, his lutists, his

flutists, and his accountant, and all of

their scribes, wives, owls, and

musicians. Yet a question remains.

>> The question h will Kevin French ever

get laid?

>> Har. If you're through with the trouser

talk, I'm busy learning.

>> Kevin, honestly, you're 17. How are you

ever going to meet girls if you go

around learning all the time?

>> The kind of girls who want me will know

how to find me. I hate to break it to

you, but those girls looking to meet you

on the internet aren't always girls.

>> I believe I have homework to do.

>> Hey, don't run away. I'm trying to help

you. Here, let's go through your

yearbook and you tell me which girls

you'd be interested in going out with.

>> Okay. I would go out with her.

>> What?

Okay. Let me explain the concept of

leagues to you. She is not in your

league. She on the other hand is

>> Yeah, that's the lunch lady.

>> Okay, then her. The girl of your dreams,

Ununice Yulmire. She's perfect for you.

>> No way. She's Weirdie. I am not going to

go out with Weirdie.

>> Oh, yes you are. You're going to marry

her.

>> Oh, no. I'm not mistaken. No, no. What's

the deal with Weirdie anyway?

>> Well, she lives in this creepy old house

and her parents are really old. Uh, I

heard her dad is a famous scientist.

>> Yeah. An expert in mutant life forms.

>> A famous scientist? Really? You [music]

>> really,

>> are you going out again? Don't you ever

stay home?

>> Not when the hottest new club in town

just opened right across the street.

>> Yeah, it's called I Murdered Fred Mertz.

Cool, huh?

>> You want to come along, Kevin? No, I'm

busy. I'm running an internet search on

a famous scientist.

>> Great. Don't pull a nerd muscle.

>> Find Ule Meyer.

839 entries.

That beats the pants off Gordon

Lightfoot.

>> Sorry. No. Impossible. Unfortunate. You

[music] lose the sweater and take his

jacket, but not you with the jacket.

>> Who the hell does this guy think he is

picking and choosing like that? Ooh,

look sharp, guys. It's our turn. M sorry

I only need one of these. You [music]

>> one of these? We're not items on a

supermarket shelf.

>> Well, bury my hearted wounded knee.

>> Step off the [music] line, please.

>> Hey, there's a Benigans up town. Maybe

that's more your speed.

>> Damn posers. Come to our neighborhood

and tell us we're not cool enough to get

into their club. Screw them.

>> Don't feel bad, Andy. We can start our

own club. We could call it the cool club

and let in everyone who wasn't cool

enough for that other club.

>> Or we could just open a club and not let

anyone in at all. [laughter]

You're mean, man. That's why I like you.

Ow.

>> I can be mean, too.

>> I looked up Weirdies father on the

internet last night. Know what I found?

Dr. Paul Umire was the project leader at

Los Alamos in 1949 where he developed a

little something called the hydrogen

bomb.

>> Well, that explains why she has

radioactive cooties.

>> What's your game, French?

>> Weirdy's father was the co-inventor of

the Hbomb. Imagine what getting a

college recommendation from him would do

for your shot at Yale.

>> Hell is other people. Sarta, he's a good

man.

>> Uh, hi. Hello.

>> Greetings, water balloon.

>> Uh, sure. Uh, how how's it going?

>> Move along, water balloon. Your

molecules are in my light.

>> I bet you call everybody water balloon

because of the well-known fact that the

human body is 70% water.

>> Good guess, Chimpy.

>> Ah, a Darwin reference. Another classic.

Um, my name's Kevin. You mind if I join

you?

>> Got to go, Chimi. Nice matching wits

with you. You're a regular Mory

Amsterdam.

>> Anthrax. Anthrax.

>> What do you want? Get away from me.

>> I I just think we have a lot in common.

That's all. We're kind of the same.

>> It's opposites that attract. Remember,

Kulum's law, elementary physics.

>> But the scientific method teaches us to

strictly observe the facts. And the fact

is, neither one of us is quite

homecoming court material.

But I think you're cute. and uh

interesting and I I hope you'll give me

a chance. Will you?

>> You mean a a chance of [music] the date

classification?

>> Species evening outus

dinner perhaps?

>> You're on, Chimpy. But now I have work

to do. Call me.

>> Yes. I'm going to get me a little

[music]

recommendation.

[crying]

[clears throat]

>> My baby brother going on his first hot

date with Weirdie.

>> Here, take this. Do you know what it is?

>> Yes, but I don't think I'll have to

stoop to perversion. Thank you.

>> Ah, no condoms because you want to make

little weirdlets. Is that it?

>> Goodbye. Don't wait up. Please

>> come. I need to show you something.

I give you our club. The meter room.

>> God, it stinks in here. I love it.

>> So, now we keep the door shut and don't

let anybody in, right?

>> Yeah. The longer the line gets, the more

we can mess with their heads.

>> I just hope those trendids can find us

back in this alley with this.

>> Hey, man.

>> H. So, we're like uh friends with Ben

Stiller.

>> Uhhuh. Uhhuh.

>> Ah, wait here please. I'll I'll see what

I can do.

>> Oh, yeah.

My You look lovely. These are for you.

>> Ew. Flowers are the sex organs of

plants. Why is it considered romantic to

castrate a bunch of plants?

>> Right.

So, shall we?

I hear this laser show is quite

enjoyable. Did your father invent any

lasers? Ah, here we are.

>> Oh, great.

>> First there [music] was the Milky Way.

Then there was the Crab Nebula. Then

there [music] was

Judith Priest.

[music]

>> This isn't what the planetarium was

built for. And it's a misuse of lasers.

So,

how's it going?

>> Kevin, aren't you going to kiss me good

night?

>> No. I mean, uh, shouldn't I meet your

father first? I mean, before I take

liberties.

>> Don't worry about old Croaki. Kiss me.

Who's that? Ununice. Is that you?

>> Oh, daddy. You ruined everything.

>> Dr. Um, I presume. Pleasure to meet you,

sir. A pleasure.

>> You see, the bomb that destroyed

Nagasaki was rather inefficient. A lot

more people could have been killed. But

a man like Harry Truman just doesn't

care if your kill circle is ellypoidal

or not.

>> Fascinating.

>> Oh, Daddy, nobody cares about your

stupid stories. Tell me, sir. Uh, did

you invent other weapons besides the

Hbomb?

>> Oh, yes. Uh, let's see. There was the uh

bone melting gun. Uh, the quantum

particle death beam. Mhm. Oh, and we did

some gravity inversion. That was pretty

destructive for a while.

>> I'd love to let more of you in, but it's

so crowded inside. [music] Mr. Hunaria,

we can take a few more.

>> All right, people. Look alive. No,

>> never. [music]

>> Don't make me laughf laugh.

>> Oh, hi. I am the sexy supermodel who is

currently dating Liam Gallagher.

>> Peter [music] Gallagher.

>> Gallagher.

[music]

>> The baby gets [music] in, but not you.

>> My baby.

>> Step off the line, please.

>> That [music] must have been one cool

baby, man.

How's it going out there? [music]

>> It's wonderful. We've created the Studio

54 of Smelly Closets.

>> Thanks for coming to this dinner with

me. Dr. E wanted to meet my family, and

I need to make a good impression.

>> Hey, I'm just happy you met your true

love. Plus, I wouldn't miss a chance to

see Weirdie in her natural habitat.

>> Ah, Kevin, come in, son. We were just

putting out the scotch and boiled eggs.

Oh, this is going to be good.

I hope you boys like your parsnips with

plenty of vinegar sauce.

[laughter]

>> Oh, Emily, they'd have to be crazy not

to.

>> I apologize for the comprehensive sility

of my parents. Andrew

>> Unice manners.

>> Oh, it's okay. No need to be polite

around me. Pass me the beans, weirdy.

>> What did you say?

>> Uh, I I I meant Wherey beans at, weirdy?

Uh, beans at? Where'd he be at? Where'd

he beans at? Where do he beans at? Where

do he help me?

>> Dr. Ulamire, I was telling Andy about

your work on the painful dart bomb.

>> Ah, the PDB. It went by the boards, of

course. Somehow the darts we used were

never quite painful enough.

>> Did you consider heating the darts?

>> A fine suggestion, Ununice. You've got a

splendid young man here.

>> Thank you, Daddy. Tell me, Kevin, what

plans does a bright young fellow like

you have for college?

>> Oh, it's so tough to get into a

top-notch school these days. Without the

right recommendation, I may not even go

to college. I'll probably apprentice

myself to a book binder or

>> Oh, stop nonsense. I'll write your

recommendation myself tonight.

>> Why, thank you, sir.

Your recommendation, son. The last time

I wrote one of these, it was for a young

fellow named Steven Hawking. Looked a

lot like you, in fact.

>> Thank you, sir.

>> You made me a happy father, Kevin. I've

been waiting for my unice to find the

right young man. And now that she's with

you, well, frankly, I feel I can die in

peace.

[laughter]

[music] Sir, sir, are you dead? Oh dear.

If I can just get the letter

No, [music]

I thought you men might enjoy some fresh

iced tea and Oh my god.

I I I tried using centrifugal force to

revive him. [gasps]

[music]

Mrs. Hmire, if there's anything I can do

to help settle your husband's affairs,

organize his papers, catalog his

recommendations, I

>> go, [laughter]

you got to find that letter. This is a

simple problem. Come on, think. Think.

Huh? Hello.

Come on. Come on.

Open. Damn it.

>> Kevin, what are you doing?

>> So, kiddo, how you holding up?

[music]

Boy, howdy. You wanted a recommendation

so bad you pretended to like me, huh?

>> Yes. And I'm completely ashamed.

You don't seem very angry.

>> Nah, I never liked you either.

>> You didn't?

>> No, I just went out with you to make

daddy happy. He was always pressuring me

to meet boys, so I figured why not go

out with Go.

>> Go? That's what all the girls at school

call you. Like you didn't know.

>> Well, I guess I'd better go. Wait, don't

you want Daddy's letter? You worked hard

enough for it.

>> You know where it is. Don't get excited,

Chimpy. It's not here. Daddy left his

papers to the Institute for Advanced

Research at Fort Conland. The letters

locked up pretty [music] tight, though.

It might be a hoot to break in there and

steal it.

>> Uh, trespass on an army base and steal

from a classified file. If we get

caught, it could go on our permanent

records.

>> Don't be a doofus, Kevin. If we get

caught, we'll go to jail. [sighs]

>> I believe there's a line. [music]

>> I just want to see what you're up to. Is

it oxygen bars? Ecstasydriven industrial

freakouts? Betty Page film loops? What

is your secret?

>> Just superior coolness. I guess

>> I'll let you into my club.

>> Get back in line.

>> Ouch.

Revenge is sweet,

>> but I'm getting bored being a youth

mogul. I want to go to a club and let

some jerk boss me around. Not that jerk,

though.

>> You think it's time we told the truth?

>> Are you high?

Anyway, I think it's time we told the

biggest lie we can think of. [music]

>> We'll never get inside. I'm no good at

scaling fences. We'll be caught and

punished. Let the punishment fit the

crime, they'll say. And it will fit.

It'll fit so snugly.

>> Kevin, shut up. Getting on an army base

is easier than you think. Watch.

Army bases have personnel. Personnel

have families. Families have kids. But

how will we pass as students?

>> Gee, I don't know, Kevin. Who could

possibly think we were students?

>> Yes. Uh, maybe we should just go home.

Okay.

I don't see the Institute for Advanced

Research listed. Let's go home.

>> Oh, here it is. Right next to the Kevin

French Institute for Panicky Dimwits.

It's a secret installation. Therefore,

it will be the building that isn't

listed. Bingus. That's Latin for bingo.

Let's do some crimes.

>> [music]

[music]

>> Good afternoon, sir.

>> Just play along, Chimpy.

>> Daddy. Daddy.

He's not here. You told me you called

him.

>> There's something wrong, sweetheart. Oh,

we're going on a class trip to look at a

a pony. And my dad didn't sign the

permission slip and he has to meet us in

the lobby. And he's not here. So

[laughter]

>> Oh, don't cry. I'll find your father for

you. What does he look like?

>> Well, he's tall and skinny and and he

has big thick glasses.

>> Well, how's about I just buzz you inside

and you go find him.

Here we go.

[music]

Here it is. Recommendations.

Oh no, the boxes are all sealed up.

>> Give it here. Ununice, you're amazing.

>> Okay, French, knock yourself out.

>> Let's see. Recommendation to destroy

Northern Japan. Recommendation to

sterilize beatnicks.

>> Here we go. Recommendation for Kevin

French.

[music]

>> Hey, what the hell are you kids doing?

>> Oh, please, Sergeant. We were just

playing truth or dare and they dared me

to kiss my boyfriend in the best guarded

building on base and

>> Oh yeah. Well, I always go to the armory

with my boy girlfriend.

I'm legally fine as long as I didn't say

the whole word. Now get out.

>> A simple smoke bomb made with household

materials from easy instructions.

Got to love the internet. Now, when I

give the signal, run outside screaming.

And for God's sakes, never tell a soul

what was really in here.

>> Fire.

>> Oh my god. This is insanity.

>> Everything gone. Gone in the blink of an

eye.

>> All I could save was this doorork knob.

>> Wa!

>> Good god, no.

You're being punished for your Eddie

days of freewheeling excess.

>> Yeah, that must [snorts] be what it is.

I guess we should go our separate ways.

[music]

First, we lost Kurt, then Tupac, and now

we've lost the meter room. I was there,

man. I saw it all. It was a touchstone

for our generation. A fantasy of

decadence that will never come our way

again. [laughter]

>> Thanks for trying. I didn't deserve that

letter anyway.

>> It's right here. I stashed it when the

guard wasn't looking.

>> Ununice, you're magnificent.

I love you.

>> What are you doing? Get your germs away

from me. But back in the stacks when you

kissed me, I thought you and I

>> That was an emergency kiss.

Ah, come on, Chimpy. You got what you

wanted. Quit complaining.

>> No, I mean, yes, I wanted the letter,

but that was before I realized how

brilliant [music] and adventurous and

wonderful you are. And he was right all

along. You're perfect for [music] me. I

don't want the letter anymore. I want

you, Ununice.

Well, people in hell want ice water.

Have tons of fun with your letter.

See you around, water balloon.

[music]

What am I doing?

[music]

>> [music]

[music]

[music]

[music]

>> Ah, Bill Oakley, Josh Weinstein

production.

[music]

Next time on Family Guy, Stewie has the

hotsy totsies for Brian's bastard son.

Dylan, what are you doing here?

Everybody, this handsome, muscular boy

is Brian's son, Dylan. Dylan is going to

be staying with us for a while. No, no,

no. Where's he going to sleep?

>> He could sleep in Stewie's room. Would

you like that, sweetie?

>> No. My pants just got shorter cuz I

hated the idea.

>> New Family Guy.

>> Yep.

>> Just passing through. See anything you

like? Speaker.

>> Monday 11:30 on Adult Swim.

>> NICO MAZI. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. YOU'RE

HERE. WELCOME TO AMERICA. [laughter]

>> What motivates you?

>> I don't care if I live or die.

>> I'm looking for someone.

>> Don't do anything stupid, COUSIN.

>> MAN, I'M READY FOR YOU. I'M READY.

>> [screaming]

>> I don't want to die, man. Not like this.

>> How would you like to die?

[screaming]

>> I'm the one who survived.

>> I'm out of control.

>> Grand Theft Auto 4. Out now. Rated M for

mature.

>> You smell bacon? Oh, yeah. It's a bacon

club chalupa, guys.

>> Resistable. Taco Bell's Bacon Club

Chalupa is back. Bacon lovers rejoice.

Smells good.

I ain't I ain't faking this. I ain't

freaking I ain't faking this. I ain't

freaking I ain't [music] FAKING THIS.

SHUT UP AND LET ME GO. HEY,

>> shut up and let me go.

>> The Narnia you remember is no more.

[screaming]

1300 years have passed. A new age has

begun.

[screaming]

>> You may find Nani a more savage place

than you remember.

What do you think happens back home if

you die here?

>> The Chronicles of Narnia Caspian made PG

in theaters May 16th.

>> The feast is mine.

Yikes.

>> And away.

Who's that guy?

>> What an unusual character.

>> [music]

>> Heat. Heat.

[music]

[music]