Original subtitles

It wasn't like she was just alive.

It was like she was a ferryman trying to take us to hell.

Are you saying, ma'am, that there is a hell?

I'm calling wherever she's from hell.

Susan, I have finals tomorrow. Stop!

You can have dates over.

Just stop making so much noise.

Aww, Anna.

Did you feel lonely?

What came on TV?

It... The...

It was...

Thank you for calling Mail Phone Sex Hotline.

This is Kanye.

Sean.

Hey, that's your lunch.

Well, that was your lunch.

So what'd you get?

All right, I think I found something.

Like what?

I think I found a haunted doll.

What?

No. All right, where is she? Let's go. I'll show you. Okay.

So the lady I talked to today said she called a paranormal group to come out

and cleanse her house, but it didn't work. So they just took the doll, and

now it's being held here at USA Paranormal Haunted Museum.

Okay.

All right. So... So we gotta break her out.

Either that or... Ask them to give her over nicely for a few days.

Okay.

Plan. Okay.

I'm gonna go watch a whole bunch of break-out-of-jail movies.

You do some actual work and figure out what we're gonna do.

Yeah, I've already got all that.

No way.

We have a scheduled meeting with them in 15 minutes.

What? Let's do this.

Stop being gay.

This is a spider gremlin.

A spider gremlin? At least that's what we call it. Because it can latch on to

anyone that makes eye contact for too long and reveal their deepest and

darkest secrets and fears.

Like a gremlin, Sean. I'm just saying, I've seen the movie. No, like a demon.

So, why don't you just call it a demon, right?

I mean... Because he called it a gremlin?

Exactly! Thank you, sir. Thank you. Thank you.

Someone sides with me. Right this way, gentlemen.

Hey, it's, uh, your mom.

And here we have my grandmother.

Ooh!

That's... When she died, we stole her from the nursing home and brought her

here.

She's made of plastic.

This is Susan.

And story has it that she can pull the soul of anyone that comes into physical

contact with her directly into hell.

Uh, Larry?

Not to disagree with you, but I think the doll's name is Anna.

No, this is Susan.

Susanna.

My mistake.

You do see that the card says Anna. Yes, I see it. So Larry, any chance that any

artifact could maybe leave this place?

You can do any investigations you want with anything in here, but I can't let

anything... Out, I'm sorry. I can't risk them getting out into the public, even

if it is in the hands of experienced parators.

Parator?

Oh, he put paranormal investigator together. Okay. So there's not a single

way that anyone could take anything from this place to do a little further

investigation? I wish. My hands are tied. Under no circumstances? Nothing at

all. No circumstances?

Nothing at all. What about us two? I'm sorry. I wish I could help you, John.

All right.

I get this.

Larry, mind showing me your gift shop? My friend here is going to use the

bathroom. The restroom's not... Oh, don't worry about him. He'll find a

corner or something. What's that?

Oh, this?

This is from an ancient rail station accident. Rail station?

Mm-hmm. They say that when you're in the presence of a demon, or any creature

that collects souls for that matter, you'll smell a foul smell in the air,

almost like sulfur.

Like from the railroad station?

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And you can actually feel the creature absorbing.

Your happiness and feeding negativity back into you.

This story in particular has everything.

Mirror visions,

possessions. It was a night unlike tonight when there was a fire in an

orphanage and everything was destroyed.

The table that she was sitting on was burned. I couldn't find your toilet.

but i did find a nice little cranny where there's a whole bunch of books

they're very absorbent those are rare

Wait, wait, let me get a focus on you. Okay.

Alright, you got... Alright, perfect, action, go!

Alright, what we're setting up right now is what we like to call... Seven Days

with a Haunted Door.

It's a, uh... It's a working title.

But, before we start... Boom!

For our YouTube viewers... We're gonna take a shot.

Woo! Spicy!

I'm not good with alcohol, but That's good all right, so what

we're doing is we're filming this in a haunted location Supposedly haunted all

right So let me show you where she's at this is Anna's bedroom.

That's Anna As you can tell that's her crib now Jacob

Tucks her in.

Go ahead.

Show everybody.

I'm putting the EMF detector on either sides of the crib with a KEMF.

Laser grid.

So that way we can even get even measurements on any other worldly

phenomena that may be occurring.

All right.

So we're going to have laser grids, PK meters.

Let's see.

We're going to have EMF detectors, Ouija boards, anything and everything to

measure the paranormal realm.

We're setting up the greatest investigation known to man.

So, let's begin.

Day one.

That was awesome. All right, you want to do the... Yeah, yeah, we're still

rolling, yeah.

Yeah, all right, let's go with the... So let's begin.

Day one.

All right, hold on what day one?

Yeah, yeah, yeah

now we just observe

she

comes across all shy and red this is a glowing blue

Tempting you with all the bones of hell And has your thumbs on spruce

Raise the levy of your finest tower And feel your way

down through Buy your ticket for this one-way ride Least

what you got, it's true

One by one, we'll be queuing up to get a glimpse of you.

She models life with her unbreakable strife.

She'll do more than you.

Raise the levy of your finest tower.

Feel your way down through.

Buy your ticket for this one-way ride.

At least what you got is true.

I found something weird.

It looks like the side of her cheek is holding some sort of heat.

Well, maybe she's blushing.

Try giving her a little peck on the cheek.

Okay,

so

I found a few things.

All right, so apparently all of the victims are... Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Are you saying that the victims are not victims?

Wait, are you saying that air quotes are some kind of sarcastic? Of course it is.

Wait, everyone knows this?

It's common knowledge.

Huh.

And there's a lot of people.

in my life that are really confused by now.

Sean, what were you saying?

Oh, um, okay, uh, alright, so, mainly, all of the,

all of the victims are women.

Mainly or all?

Uh, what do you mean?

Were all the victims female or weren't they?

You said mainly, which means maybe.

Yes is a definitive answer.

So was it a maybe or was it a yes?

Oh... Yes.

Yes.

We really need to work on your communication.

We need to work on your attitude.

So what you're saying is we need girls?

Yeah.

Where are we going to find one of those?

I don't think a personal ad on the internet was the best solution, Sean.

It's better than you sitting around a mall using your whole green eggs and ham

line. Are you kidding me?

That's a great line, Sean.

Oh, no.

I don't doubt the method.

Just the man.

Are you two Jacobs at my bottom?

And Sean McReady.

Sean.

And you are?

Kat.

Oh, wait.

Like the animal.

Kat, it's great to finally meet you.

Nice to meet you too, Mr.

Smetana.

You can just call me Jacob.

It's cool.

I've met so many people with odd names that it doesn't even face me.

Boy, isn't that nice.

So you read the ad.

Do you have any concerns about it, first off?

All the ad said was that you need a girl, you know, to spend a few days at

some place to experience some weird things.

Well, that's very descriptive.

Um, so we are going to do some things that are a bit out of the ordinary.

Nah.

I'm fine with weird things.

That doesn't bother me.

But there's going to be more than just you two.

And I'm going to have to draw the line.

I did that once.

Wasn't a good week after.

Uh, yeah, it's just...

Us too, and you don't mind us filming, right?

I'm fine.

You can do whatever you want.

Really.

How do you feel about dolls?

I'm fine with them.

They can be a bit creepy at times, but I can fit just about anything you

want.

Depends on how big the doll is, but then again, I'll try anything more.

I'm lost.

So are you into the paranormal at all?

I was a fortune teller for a fair once.

Oh, highly qualified.

Well, you and Liz are hired.

We want to start tonight, if that works for you.

I could do tonight.

That wouldn't be a problem.

You two got my number?

Oh, yeah, right here.

Well, just text me the address and the time.

I'll be there.

Awesome.

Thank you so much.

Oh, before I forget, you two got plenty of protection.

Protection?

Protection. Yeah, protection.

Oh, guns?

Knives.

Oh, no, we've watched plenty of martial arts movies.

My body is a weapon.

See you tonight.

See you tonight.

What are you thinking?

Rodney, it's crazy.

Hi.

I'm here about the ad.

Dude, your uncle's place sucks.

Yeah, he had a lot of product.

projects before he passed.

Oh, maybe fixing heat wasn't one of them.

Yeah.

Ah,

it's got me. It's got me.

It's got me. Yep, yep, yep.

Ah, it sucks.

Hey, Sean.

Yeah. Why didn't you tell that girl my name was Smack My Bottom?

No, no, no. I said Smack My Bottom.

Okay, so...

So I get that, and you get McCready?

I mean, it's fine if you want to be Kurt Russell from the things.

Oh yeah, that's what it's from.

Totally didn't make the connection.

Sure you didn't.

Did we grab anything to feed her?

To feed her?

What do you mean?

Are you serious?

We don't have anything to feed her?

you can't invite a woman over to your house and then make a haunted house with

a haunted doll and two strangers yeah yeah and not give her food

and what does she eat oh grand soothsayer of estrogen throne

slayer of clouds and freer of the house of really

we need a veggie plate

A veggie plate?

Yes, a veggie plate. A woman feels comfortable when there's a plate for her

to eat on of delicious vegetables.

Where do you get... How do you get your information?

Where would we even buy that?

And she's coming in like three minutes anyways.

Hey, Sean.

Yeah? No one is getting through that door until we have a plate of delicious

vegetables for them to eat.

I mean it.

All right.

Okay, I'll send her a text, tell her if we're not back in time, just go around

back, come right in. Good.

All right? Yep.

And, uh, you're driving. Don't hand me...

Fine.

Boy, it's foggy in here.

All candles.

Isn't that just a sweet touch?

You know, these guys are something else.

This better be worth it.

Why is it so cold?

What the hell?

Sorry, I don't do girl on girl.

You guys need to stop messing around.

I don't know why you always... You make it more difficult than it should be. You

really do.

Next time, give her your number.

She was mentally handicapped bagging our grocery, Sean.

What do you mean? She was winking at you the entire time.

Sure, that was a part of her handicap. She blinked all the time.

Well, she only had blinks for you.

Hey, I wonder what happened.

Diarrhea, indigestion.

Mesothelioma, they were all killers.

You're just listing off commercials you've seen.

That's where I get all my knowledge.

Oh, it's cold.

You should know about this.

Oh.

So, who's wasting electricity now?

You were the last one out of the house.

I did that on purpose.

It was intentional.

I guess she didn't show up yet.

Shame.

You know, I'm kind of glad she didn't because I kind of got a feeling that

girl was a bit of a freak.

She seemed to turn everything we said sexual.

I bet she was trying to hit on both of us.

Hey, Jake?

Yeah?

I think a beaver or something's getting in.

Could be an opossum.

Beaver? Really? That's your first go-to animal for trying to get into the house?

Aw, Anna.

Did that mean ol' opossum scare you?

Opossum.

That's what I said.

Opossum. No.

Oh.

There's an... Oh, in front of... Possum. Oh, Possum. You have to argue with me in

front of Anna.

Wait at least until she's out of the room.

Aw, Anna.

Tomorrow, we're going to meet a satanic lady who's going to see if you're

actually full of demons and stuff.

And this guy right there might have a date because...

She's kind of cute.

I can overlook the fact that she's working with witchcraft.

No. No, I don't think I can, Sean.

Oh, yeah?

Or we'll just sit here and eat our vegetable trays.

Look at this over here.

It's going to get real.

Echo, echo.

I feel like we're underneath the street. We're under the street. Whoa, careful.

Spiderweb. Let's get that web.

Let's get that web.

I'm in mom's house right now. Let's roll. Okay.

Ready? Let me get a focus. Oh, I'm ready. All right, focus.

You ready? Yep.

Recording.

Okay, so we're here.

We're following some kind of creepy vamp kid through something.

We are completely underground right now.

Not sure where we are. Notice. Look at all this.

Okay, so we're about to see the satanic ritual.

Momentarily. Ready for this?

Come this way. She's preparing.

Come this way.

Your place is spiderwebbed.

Hmm.

Clem.

Clem.

Your name's Clem?

It's a little weird.

Okay, so, one question.

Why is there a naked, bloody chick on the floor?

Her name is Princess Jasmine.

Don't. I'm so good.

I've got the eyes for you.

Hi there.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I was just preparing my soul for the darkness that awaits.

And that required what you were doing?

The ritual, yes.

The ritual requires you to...

succumb to all earthly elements and be one with the dirt.

And you had to wear the goat skull?

The goat, yes.

The goat represents the bond that we have with the unholy father.

So is that why you used them?

blood.

Yeah, how else do you think I got the goat skull?

Like, are you too sure that you're ready to be doing this? This isn't some sort

of internet joke video, right?

Of course it is. Not! It's not, uh, don't say anything.

Everything that we're doing is completely legit and is for us to truly

experience.

Our friend who is in the the doll.

You see, what my friend's trying to say here is, we want to see this bitch.

Well, boys, don't worry your pretty little heads.

We will see this... bitch.

May I see the doll?

Uh... Yes.

Yes, you may.

Uh... But you see, we... Left the doll in the car.

Because we didn't want to just bring her in.

You left her in the car? I told you to bring her in! I didn't want to impose.

You need to bring her in when I tell you to bring her in.

You know what? You need to stop.

Uh...

I'm sorry.

Uh-huh.

I left the window cracked. Okay, um All

right, all right I will be right back.

I'm gonna go get her This way, right?

I'll stay and do some research

Here we go.

All right.

Now, both of you have to show me that you are clean.

Oh, don't worry.

I washed.

No.

Meaning both of you cannot be wearing any clothing.

Wait, I'm sorry what like shirts and pants Everything

Socks mm-hmm

I'm not doing that Jake

Well if you don't neither one of you can be down here to take

part in the ritual

All right, let's go home. Back it up. Come on. Get the doll. You were the one

that suggested we do this. Yeah, suggested.

I'm telling you right now, you talk me out of things all the time. I bet you if

she was 300 pounds, hairy, and named Patrick, you'd be singing a different

tune right now.

Okay, well, she's not.

She's a babe. Oh, yeah.

You're gonna think that one?

Her name is Princess Jasmine. How does that help me?

Hey, I'm gonna do this.

Go ahead.

Okay.

Go ahead.

You can run out and you can be that guy or you can suck it up and you can get

naked with me and a strange lady.

You know, when you put it that way, kind of sounds like fun, you know? Hey, it's

like a dare. Go for it.

Something I've never done before.

I'm not doing that, Jake.

I'm not going to get naked with you.

I'm not going to get naked with her.

And especially that doll.

We're about to witness a real life ghost.

We're editing this part out of the show.

Show? Show.

Oh, show, show.

We were not showing ourselves.

No, we are showing ourselves.

But you're not showing.

Yourself. He said show. He didn't mean the show the way he thought he meant

show.

Right. Yeah, that's what we said.

I haven't started the ritual yet.

And being in control, I choose to show myself spiritually instead

of physically.

Well, that explains everything.

Sure.

Okay, everybody close your eyes.

Is everybody's eyes still closed?

Yes.

The spirits seem a bit... aggressive.

Dextera Patris Lapis Angilares, via salutis aeuna celestis.

Dextera Patris Lapis Angilares, via salutis aeuna celestis.

Dextera Patris Lapis Angilares, via salutis aeuna celestis.

Dextera Patris Lapis Angilares, via Salutis Iuna Celestis.

Dextera Patris Lapis Angilares, via Salutis Iuna

Celestis.

Dextera Patris Lapis Angilares, via Salutis Iuna Celestis.

She's here now?

She's in the room.

She's not revealing herself to me just yet.

Bring her in, Jasmine.

Bring her in.

She's angry for some reason.

She's here.

Hello?

Oh, is that normal?

Yeah, this is okay. This happens all the time.

You okay?

Jasmine? Princess Jasmine?

Need some soap?

A hot glue gun. Do you have a hot glue gun? You need glue.

Sean, are you still naked?

Yeah, you?

It wasn't a dream.

Head straight for the street! Get the hell out of here!

It's some kind of Willy Wonka ghost!

WENDELL!

At least put on some pants?

Find her.

Kill her.

Sean?

Don't ask me.

Ask her.

No, I mean, when we find her, how are we supposed to kill her?

I don't know.

Why are you asking me these questions?

We never ask me these questions.

Sean?

Yeah footprints

All

right,

let's get going

Okay, we're good Any

possessed girls wanting to talk

Yay, I call the possessed

girls Come out come out

wherever you are

Sean. Jake.

Come here. Sean, come here.

Jake, why don't you look what I'm doing?

Sean, no! I'm important too!

Did

you

see that?

Nope.

I missed it.

Okay, are we saying that that came

from that?

I don't give a damn.

I'm just gonna kill the bitch.

Hey, Jake.

Yeah?

Can I talk to you alone for a minute?

Okay.

No, alone.

Alone, alone?

Yeah.

Sean? Yeah?

Where are you?

I don't know. I can't see.

Why are you so far away?

The lights went off.

You should be asking me why I would stick around.

Okay.

Well, start clapping and I'll make my way to you.

Sean Sean

Sean Sean

Who is me?

Sean?

Yeah.

What happened?

Where were you?

I hid in the bathroom.

You didn't hear all that happened to me?

Would you feel better if I said no?

Find her kill her

You

want us to find you girls

Release Jacob.

And we'll find you girls.

Is it over?

I did something bad.

Why don't we just run?

Oh yeah, let's say that a bit louder!

Like I planned that last night when I said it. You think I really want to go

hunt down girls for that stupid doll for a little shot of horror scenario?

How are we gonna leave?

What we do is we play it cool.

Alright? We just act like we're gonna go get the goods.

And then just run like hell?

Convert? Everything!

Hell, I'll do Scientology if I have to.

Scientology?

I'm desperate, Jake! Hail Zeno!

some females, and sacrificed them to the doll.

You are right!

That is something I have wanted to do for so long. Who doesn't like starting

off their day with a good sacrifice?

Come on!

What are we gonna do?

We're leaving.

That's what we're gonna do.

What are we really gonna do?

I don't know.

You said you'd give it girls.

We what We made a deal with it

You're included

Okay, we will get it girls that's what you told it

We have to do something.

Do something?

We go.

Others have.

Those were haunts.

You made a deal with it.

It's not some kind of paranormal kingpin, Jake.

It's a fucking doll.

You know as much as I do, we both don't know.

But...

You made a deal with it.

That's a commitment.

What that means to it, I don't know.

Okay.

We... All right.

We just give up.

We tell it we can't do it. It's a doll.

We just can't do what it asks.

I don't think it's that easy.

So what?

What do we do?

We need to kill her.

Well, exercise or whatever you call it.

So you've been taking priestly classes behind my back?

We need a professional.

Oh, yeah.

A professional ghost expeller.

Ooh, where are we gonna find that? Craigslist?

Or a psychic?

Okay.

Where do we find one of those?

It just sounds so stupid to me.

I can't believe that you're even suggesting that.

So you really want the whole plan to be where all we do is say, hey, listen.

We were attacked by a doll?

People are dead?

I mean, who's gonna believe us?

She's gonna believe us because of her psychicness?

It's the best we got.

Okay.

So, how may I help you?

Wait.

I'm sensing something.

Oh, you want something?

Alright, she's just gonna pee me off. Shhh, shut up.

Yes, we do. Um... Do you do, like, paranormal

stuff?

Paranormal, like?

Uh, ghosts.

Uh, demons, I don't know, possessed dolls.

I'm just throwing it all out. Yeah, things like that.

Is this ghost here with you now?

No, it's back at the house.

You're not sensing its power, are you?

Yes, yes, I do.

Mom, its power is very strong.

How is it affecting you?

It hit me in the arm, hurt my leg through here.

Well, plus it killed two people.

Allegedly. We don't know they're dead yet. Right.

Killed somebody, you say?

Allegedly. Yep. Yep.

Excuse me for one minute.

Please, make yourself at home. Have a seat.

I'll be right back.

Take your time.

Yes, I have two guys here that are talking about murdering somebody.

What do you think she's doing? I don't know. Maybe making us tea?

Psychics don't normally leave the room.

Yeah, I know. That's why I'm asking you.

I think she's asking you.

I don't know. Can you please get here quickly?

She's calling the cops.

Well, that's not good. What are we supposed to do?

I don't know. This was your plan.

Okay. I mean, I'll stall him as long as I can.

Okay.

What?

What are you doing, Sean?

I'm doing it.

Are you okay?

No. What are you doing? I'm sticking with the damn plan.

You're not going to get away with it.

She's finally awake!

We're really sorry about all this, but we're serious about what is going on

here.

We also need your expert guidance.

Believe it or not, we don't know how to expel a ghost.

Well, not professionally, that is.

Can I remove the gag?

Careful. Could be a trick.

How else do you expect her to expel a ghost, Sean?

What are you talking about?

She's psychic.

With her mind.

Hey, Sean.

What?

Do you remember those possession movies where you had to stab somebody so many

times and then light them on fire?

I'm gonna say yes to avoid any arguments, but, uh, yeah, why?

I don't know.

Just thinking of a backup plan.

Just in case.

Oh.

Uh, Jake?

I'm just spitballing here, but do you think we actually did what it asked of

us?

Great.

Hello?

Psychic lady?

Hello?

She's gagged.

She's got her mind.

Hello?

Psychic lady?

Hello? Watch that. That? Yeah. Okay.

Right here, right here.

Psychic lady?

You awake?

That's it. I'm going home.

I'm going. See you next week. Sean, we have to do this. Did you see what

happened? Her head fell off! It doesn't... Sean!

No, no, no.

Help!

Oh.

No!

uh uh

mm-hmm

the creaking door into the inner sanctum another gamble of foolish goings-on

You think he's going to be mad about the burns all over the doll?

I don't think he's going to be mad.

Hey, so I've been thinking.

We should do this as a profession.

We're pretty good at it, aren't we?

Yeah. Yeah. All right, so what would we do? We would, I don't know, like expel

demons, monsters, ghosts.

Yeah, yeah, but we need a name.

I don't know. What would we name?

Name, name.

Well,

what we went through was kind of freaky.

Wait.

Spooky. Or... Monster killer.

No? Paranorm... Paranorm... Paranormal?

No, we need... We're gonna put links up, so... Okay, like... Freaky... Freaky

links.

Or... Spooky paranormal action team.

No? That's too much.

I mean, I guess we'll go with freaky links.

Smoke-stained fingers fumble my pocket. The packet hits the poly...

As I brace to meet my.

Burns in me

Looking

up

the clouds they break now a new sun rises for me

as my shadow it decreases

the darkness less for all to see

burns in me

forgive

and forgive and feel the one They're drowning me