Original subtitles

Good morning. It's a sunny November Friday.

And hey, it's a week before Thanksgiving.

And believe it or not, only five weeks until Christmas.

And that means only five more chances for you to win.

So call now, and if you're our 55th caller, you'll be one of this week's

lucky people eligible to win our weekly holiday vacation giveaway. A trip for

two to beautiful Playa del Carmen, Mexico.

So call now for that special stocking stuffer for that special someone.

Hello? Hi!

Oh, my God, I can't believe I got through.

Hi, my name is Hillary Burns.

Oh, it's my fiancé calling. Can you just hang on one second? Don't go anywhere.

Okay.

Jason?

I got through to the radio station.

Hang on, hang on.

Hi, are you there? Hi. Okay, yes, my number is 555-8656.

Yes, okay, thank you, thank you.

What? Oh, my favorite Christmas song. Yeah, that's easy.

It's Gloria.

You know, angels, we have heard.

OK,

thank you.

We are finally in the running for a trip to Mexico. It could be our honeymoon.

What? Mexico?

Hillary, we have palm trees and sand here.

Hillary, are you there, honey?

It's mom.

Hang on, hang on. It's my mom on the machine. One sec.

to know if that fiance of yours will eat yams. I've never met anyone who would

turn down my yam casserole, but... Hillary?

Call me, honey. She wants to know if you like yams. You like yams, don't you?

That's not next weekend, is it? Yes, honey.

That is traditionally Thanksgiving weekend.

I don't know if I can do it now. I have three cases I have to research. I have a

hearing. No, no, no, no, no. You are not bailing on me again.

I promised my mother that she would finally meet you. I mean, seriously.

They're sure you think I made you up.

Okay. Fine, but I have to bring work with me.

They have Wi-Fi?

Yes!

Oh, they're playing my favorite Christmas song. Listen.

What?

Oh, uh, gotta go.

Yes, Mr. Sharpelle. Yeah, I have all the work with me. I'm on my way now.

Hello?

Hello?

Okay, I'm a little freaked out that you picked this assignment.

Couldn't we have just done that safe little Los Feliz street fair?

Sophie, this is the real deal.

These people, they lost their livelihoods, their savings, their homes.

You should be hungry for a story like this. Well, it's after two, and all I'm

hungry for is lunch. Let's eat.

I can't. You're saving my appetite.

Jason's taking me out to dinner.

Dude, that man is a serious snag. I know.

His online dating profile would be so perfect, no one would believe it.

Tall, dark, handsome lawyer who's responsible and financially sound.

Please! And I finally have a man to take home for the holidays.

I don't have to listen to my mother preach to me about how I'm going to be a

spinster. Or a lesbian.

Or both.

Oh, wow.

That's just sad.

Well, at least he's employed.

He's our first interview. Come on. Let's go Hi, excuse me My

name is Hillary burns I'm with the Post Park Herald. Can I ask you a few

questions? Sure, is this your full-time job? I think is my full-time job.

I'm sorry. I really I can't hear you in there Yeah Hi,

I said acting is my full-time job and today I'm playing a large cell phone

Yeah. Oh, crap.

I knew it. Come on, we gotta go back to the office right now.

Why? What's going on? The paper went bankrupt. It's shutting down.

Why? Well, actually, the readership of books, newspapers, and magazines has

been on the decline for years.

Cell phone guy's right.

Print's dead.

I love print.

So do I. Print's great.

You don't need that job.

I mean, it's not even a real job anyway, right? It was just some part-time thing.

What does it matter?

I don't know. Did you read the piece I did last month about the local pound?

Uh, yeah, sure. We saved like a hundred animals from being euthanized.

You know, when we're married, you're not going to have to work.

I want to work.

Fine. You can busy yourself throwing benefits and fundraisers for every

single dog pound, kennel, and petting zoo in a hundred mile radius of

Pittsburgh.

Pittsburgh.

A new VP position opened up in our Pittsburgh office, and I guarantee I am

the top pick for this position.

Why? Because I have my priorities straight, and I'm ruthless.

As Sharpell noted, I have proven to him time and time again that I'm not afraid

to make the tough decisions, and that's what brings the money in.

So if you get this promotion, we'll be moving to Pittsburgh?

Sure. Why not? It's where the money is.

Because all our friends are here, and my family's here, and we have a life here.

What am I going to do in Pittsburgh?

Be my wife.

You're such a good lawyer.

I'm sure there'll be other promotions, right? You know, maybe something closer

to home, right?

I have to get this.

Mr. Sharpelle.

Yes, I've already looked it over and you can consider it done.

I'm not letting him keep one foot out the door.

Hey, do you and dad have Wi-Fi?

Internet?

Forget it.

No, I'm not eating in bed.

Late night snacking will not make me fat. Okay, I gotta go.

See you next weekend. Love you. Bye.

Maybe we should set a date.

Now that I'm not working, I actually have time. Plan a wedding.

What do you think about March or April?

Spring weddings are always the prettiest. Plus, you get the nicest

flowers. But then, there's always the rain.

You think we should get our kids baptized?

I mean, I'm not really here or there about it. I guess we can let them make

their own decision, and then we'll guide them, of course.

And what about circumcision? I was watching this documentary about it, and

they say it's more hygienic, but I'm not really sure.

I don't think this is going to work. What?

The baptism or the circumcision?

Us, Hillary.

I don't think we're going to work.

What?

Look, I need a partner in life.

A wife who's going to go where I need to go and do what I need to do and be

excited about my accomplishments. I can't get dragged down by somebody who's

out saving dogs and cats and God knows what else.

Jason, is this about...

Moving to Pittsburgh?

I'll move to Pittsburgh.

Look, I just, I have to stay focused and mobile to advance in my career. I gotta

keep my priorities straight. Believe me, this is one of those tough decisions,

but it's for the best.

For both of us. I just, I can't make a mistake.

Not now.

Why did I become a mistake?

Just... I have to get this. Just, just, just... Go for pink.

No, no, no. That is exactly how you...

He's a jerk. I

knew he was too good to be true. Maybe my mom was right. Maybe I let him keep

one foot out the door.

Oh, God.

I have to go. I'm going to listen to her go on and on and on about how she's

always right and I'm always going to be alone.

Maybe he just got cold feet.

You think?

I don't know.

Would you even still want him if he came back?

Ah, getting in the holiday mood.

Love that song.

Alright, it's time to pick the winner for this week's KJWM Weekly Holiday

Vacation Giveaway. And the lucky winner is... Hillary Burns! Oh my god, you won!

Oh my god, you won!

All of my sisters found perfect men, and I can't even get one in the door. Is

that it?

Is that what would make you happy right now, to bring home a man for

Thanksgiving?

I just can't go home all alone. I just can't face it. I can't do it. Not now.

Ugh, it's my mother.

Okay,

look.

All you have to do...

Just post this with a flirty little intro video of your pretty face and

voila.

Fake fiance needed for Thanksgiving dinner. Must be mother friendly.

Two first class tickets to Playa del Carmen, Mexico for services rendered.

I'm not giving away my tickets.

What are you going to honeymoon alone?

I thought you'd come with me. Yeah, okay.

And sit around and watch you cry over too many margaritas? No thanks.

All you have to do is click.

I'll help you do the video.

You really think it's a good idea to bring a stranger home or possibly a

psycho to my parents' house for Thanksgiving?

Quinn's a cop.

We'll have him do a background check.

Your brother's a security guard.

The woman is relentless.

Hillary?

I just wanted you to know I've planned a small family gathering at the house for

when you and Jason arrive. I just hope we won't be disappointed again. Trish

and Gil have canceled their trip to France to be here, and Joy and Peter are

coming. Everyone is so excited to meet this elusive fiance of yours.

Does Jason prefer dark or white meat? I hope he eats dark.

Seeing as Gil and Peter prefer white, that would make a nice family. Of

course. If he preferred white, he's welcome to my chair, although it would

be polite... Okay, let's do your video.

Hi, I'm Hillary.

And I just got dumped yesterday, less than 24 hours ago.

So, uh, you can imagine I'm... kind of... a mess.

And I must be out of my mind for doing this, but here I am.

Cut, cut, cut, cut.

Hill. I just want something to work out.

Hi.

Hi. Okay. Hi.

I'm Hillary, and I need a man for Thanksgiving.

Badly. I need a man so badly that I'm willing to do anything.

And I mean anything.

That's so creepy, I got the shivers.

Hi. Mexico.

Hi. My name is Hillary, and although this might seem a little crazy, okay, a

lot crazy,

I need to hire a fake fiancé to bring home to my family for Thanksgiving.

In return, you will receive two free first-class tickets to Playa del Carmen,

Mexico.

So just record a quick video intro, post it to this page, and we'll get back to

you.

Thank you.

How was that? Really good. Yeah? Yeah, really good.

This is nuts.

Yeah.

Whoa! What? Who is it? Come in.

I can't believe it.

I knew it would work. Look at all of these.

All right.

Mexico's got some sweetest ways, man. I mean, after the weekend's over here, we

can just serve, and sign, and serve, and eat, and serve, and then serve some

more.

Whoa, can I have him?

These days, the single scene is so hard.

Where are you going to meet a quality person?

I've tried bars. I've tried restaurants.

I'm passionate, athletic, spontaneous.

I do have irritable bowel syndrome, but I do like to run on the beach, not for

great long distances, but time permitting.

Oh, God.

So you sure I get those tickets to Mexico, right?

Because I really need to get to Mexico.

By the way, you know where I get a fake passport, but you know a good one on a

down low?

He had nice abs.

Open road, Sophie.

I'm telling you, it's the only way to live, man. The wind in your hair, the

sun on your face, a babe on your board.

Sweet.

Sweet indeed.

Ugh, I knew this was a bad idea.

Hey, what about that Ted character? He was all right.

He said he was married.

Well, then what about Greg?

My mother would never believe he's a lawyer.

I don't know.

Oh, we got another request for a live chat. Should I say yes? No.

Greg, hey, can I call you back?

Sure, dude.

Hello,

Hillary? No, I'm Sophie. Just hang on one sec. Come over here. No.

No. No.

I don't want to. Come on. Just talk to him. He's cute. He kind of looks like

Jason.

Hello? Hello.

Hi, is everything okay over there?

Depends on what you mean by okay.

Everything's great. Why don't you tell us a bit about yourself?

Oh, okay.

My name is David.

I'm an actor.

Oh, perfect.

I'm 33 years old. I'm a Libra, if that matters.

Hey, wait, I know you.

You're the cell phone guy in the costume.

That's right.

And you're the reporter.

Yeah.

I was sorry to hear about the newspaper shutting down. Did you lose your job?

What do you think?

Right. Sorry.

Obvious.

For what it's worth, I got fired playing a big red cell phone, so... Oh, I'm

sorry. Don't be.

You could help me save my very last shred of dignity.

I mean, if I can't book a job playing a fake fiancé for a weekend, I should

probably call it quits.

Well, I warn you, hanging with my family for the weekend isn't easy, but it comes

with a free turkey dinner and two tickets to Mexico, so if you're still

interested... Definitely.

Sign me up. Great. Okay.

Well, I guess we'll run a background check thingy.

Okay. Sure. Are you free to meet Hillary tomorrow face to face?

Sure thing.

Hey. Okay. So, I Facebooked him. He hasn't responded.

And when you Google him, the only thing that comes up are a few photos of him on

Flickr with some chick named Lindsay on a beach.

So? Looks like he's not a psycho. He's just another out-of-work loser actor.

You sound like my agent.

Oh.

Hi. Hi.

Okay. Well, there it is. Yeah.

Um, you two have fun.

Great.

Bye.

So, I checked out?

Yeah, seems like it.

Do you have any clothes that aren't coffee-stained or shaped like a giant

cell phone?

Oh, definitely.

Okay. Yeah, yeah.

Now,

do you think that Jason is more of a corporate lawyer type? Corporate? What

kind of car do you drive?

98 Jeep Grand Cherokee, fully loaded.

We'll take my car.

Okay. Okay, I'm going to friend you on Facebook, accept my request, click on

all my family photo albums, memorize all the names, everybody's clearly marked.

Okay, will do. Okay.

Well, I guess I'll pick you up here tomorrow 8 a.m.. Sharp sounds good

Okay

Sorry,

I don't know what's going on here with the thing hair.

I'll take care of it. Yeah, okay

Guess I'm gonna buy your coffee.

You clean up real good.

Thank you. You look nice yourself.

And don't forget, my parents are very excited that you are a lawyer.

About that, I don't know if I'm going to be able to pull that off.

You're an actor.

Act.

Okay, hit me with the family breakdown.

Okay, Meredith, mother, housewife extraordinaire.

Roy, dad and councilman. Your youngest sister is Trish. Joy.

Right, right, Trish is the middle one.

And, uh, her husband is Gil. And Joey's fiancé's name is?

Uh, John.

Paul. Peter.

You gotta get these straight. They're all gonna be at the party. Party? Yeah.

It's no big deal. Just family.

So, how long were you and Jason engaged?

Uh, we dated for seven months. We were engaged for two.

Wow. What happened?

He's, uh, he's under a lot of pressure.

Really stressed. He got this big job promotion offer in Pittsburgh, so... Oh,

look, here we are.

Okay, just remember, say as little as possible and follow my lead.

Here we go.

Oh, honey, honey, honey, you're finally here.

Come here.

You know, you could wash that car every once in a while.

What about Jason's Tesla?

I wanted to ride in that.

Oh, that was my fault. I wanted to save on mileage, so we took the Jetta

instead. Oh, well.

At least we finally get to meet Jason.

You're practically part of the family now.

Yeah. Okay, well, let's go in. Okay.

Everybody's looking forward to meeting you.

Okay, come on in here.

Oh, my God.

I thought you said this was family only.

I didn't want the whole town to think that you were going to be a spinster

forever.

Everyone, this is Hillary's fiancé, Jason.

Hi. Hi, how's it going?

Oh, hey.

I know, I know.

Desiree. Go feed her. She's starving.

I'll be back.

Just a minute.

Okay. Hi.

Jason seems to be a big hit.

Yeah, yeah.

Gilbert and I just bought a place in Southampton. Oh. And we really wanted

the baby baptized in New York. You know, the St. Patrick's Cathedral. But Mom,

you know, insisted that we do it here, so. Of course.

She doesn't know, but we're going to do it again when we get back anyway. That

way he can invite his friends and associates.

Half of Manhattan's going to be there.

Where is Gil?

Gil is at a polo tournament.

Yeah, he'll be here soon.

Deseret. I'll be back. I told you not to... So, Jason?

Yeah. You're with that firm that's defending that schmuck, Shorman.

Shorman. Yeah, man, he's as guilty as they come, if you ask me.

Pilking all those suckers out of their life savings.

You know, Frank, I think everybody's considered innocent until proven guilty.

I mean, isn't that right, Jason?

Yeah.

Mr. Burns.

Colby Roy. Yes.

Pleasure to meet you, Roy. You know what they say. How does it feel to be

defending a crook like that?

Well, I... You know what?

Frank, why don't you get yourself some eggnog? I just whipped up a fresh batch.

Thanks, man.

Frank just comes for the eggnog.

Yeah. So listen, what kind of cases do you do? Do you do, I don't know, fraud

or extortion or money laundering?

Yeah. Yeah, I do all of those. Come on, Dad.

Leave poor Jason alone. He spends enough time at the office already.

Yeah, doing all that loitering.

Do you play?

Yes, but... Quite badly. No, that would be great.

Mind if I? No.

You know, when Hillary was young, she used to sing.

Oh?

No. Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Okay, everybody, it's time to show the engagement ring.

Wait till you see this beauty.

Ta-da!

So, I, I, I, I... Where's the ring?

I, I, I... What happened to the ring? That's a funny story, actually, right,

sweetie? It turns out Hillary lost a few pounds, and the ring doesn't fit her

anymore. And this morning, she's taking a shower, and she gets out of the

shower. And the ring falls off her finger into the toilet. She calls me

hysterical. Crazy. I was crazy. Crazy. She was freaking out. I get there. So

what do I do?

I've got to man up, right, Roy? I've got to do it.

It's go time. So I get down there on my knees, and I go in there. I go in there.

I go in deep.

I can feel it. I can feel it right there. The ring's there. It's there. No,

no, no. It gets away. It gets away. Then I have to go a little bit deeper, and

I'm reaching for it.

No, deeper, deeper.

He has really small hands. It's disturbing, actually.

And I can feel it. I can feel it right on the edge of my finger. It's right

there. It's right there. And I got it. Got the ring.

Got the ring.

Oh, my God. We decided to leave it home till we get it resized.

Yeah. Yeah, it's better safe than sorry. Right, sweetie?

Mm-hmm.

Woo!

I am parched.

I'm going to get a drink.

Hey, hell, isn't it?

I thought you quit.

I did.

So, is my fiancé boring yours with his foot talk yet? No, but I think David's

got his hands pretty full.

Did I say David? David, yeah. And Jason, of course.

David is a friend. I was on the phone with him.

You know, you could have warned me. Okay, that's what sisters are for.

Sorry.

I got sidetracked.

Well, I guess we better go back in there.

You okay?

Yeah. Hey, don't tell Mom about that.

No. But if Mom has anything else to surprise me with, can you please tell

me? Deal.

Thank you.

Welcome home.

The key to keeping your feet healthy is staying away from the feet's worst

enemies.

Do you know what those are, Jason?

No, I don't know. Thank you so much.

Good to see you. Oh, my sweeties.

There's Hillary. I'm going to... We'll do the feed thing later.

Oh, wait.

You two are going to have our pictures taken. Oh, no. A family photo. Yes, we

are. Oh, it'll be so much fun.

It'll be more fun this year than ever before.

Where's the timer?

Well, everyone gather together here. Okay, everybody ready? Here we go.

Okay.

Oh, honey, you need the baby for heaven's sake. Yeah, we have to have the

baby. Come on, baby. Come on, baby.

All right, all right.

Come on, honey. Look at the lens. Here we go now.

One, two, three.

Don't worry, I can show Jason his room.

Well, honey, don't be silly. The inn is full.

Besides, I don't expect you to have separate rooms.

Just separate beds.

Separate beds.

And if you need extra pillows or blankets, just ask me.

That's okay, Mom. I think I know where everything is.

Okay, darling. Okay.

Sleep well. We have a busy date.

Okay. Okay. Good night.

Good night.

That's okay. I'll take the cot.

No, no. Don't worry about it. I'm fine with it.

Okay, well, you take it tonight. I'll take it tomorrow night.

Whatever you want.

Okay.

I'm going to go get changed for bed.

Okay.

Sorry.

No,

I'm sorry. I thought you were still in the... Pajamas, please?

No, I don't wear pajamas, so I didn't bring any. Okay, that's fine. I'll just

see if my dad has some.

Great.

Daddy. I plead not guilty.

Sorry? What?

Sorry? I came to ask you if Jason could borrow some pajamas.

Oh, I don't have any.

Your mother and I sleep in the raw.

Ugh, since when?

Since Joy went off to college.

We ran around naked for a week. You should have seen your mother. Oh, I

don't need your... This guy, this Jason, he treats you right, does he?

Yeah, yeah, of course.

What?

Do you love him?

What? It's an easy question. It should be an easy answer.

Dad, I'm marrying the guy.

So, do you love him?

Yes, I do.

Hey.

Beatles are right, after all.

All you need is love.

Good night, Angel.

Good night, Daddy.

I just wanted to let you know that I may have lucked into some tickets to

Platinum Carmen.

And I don't know, I thought maybe you might want to go.

So I know we haven't been there since, you know.

Anyway, call me if you

want to go.

And happy Thanksgiving.

Bye.

Morning. Morning, sweetheart.

Anybody seen Jason?

He's outside with Dad.

What are they doing out there?

Well, your father got it in his head that he was going to deep fry the turkey

this year. Oh, boy. Where's Trish and Gil?

Trish has sold the hotel. Gil hasn't shown up yet.

Why are they staying at a hotel when there's plenty of room here?

Well, with Emma and the nanny, maybe they felt they'd be a bother. I don't

even know why Trish has a nanny. I mean, come on. It's not like she's ever had a

job. But it's nice that her husband can afford to give her whatever she wants.

He's just never around.

How about Jason?

How much does he earn?

Mom. Oh, sweetie, I just want to make sure that you're cared for.

Oh, come on, Mom. It is the 21st century.

You don't need to be cared for.

You have your own jobs. Right, Hill?

Actually, the newspaper I was working for shut down.

Oh, honey, not again.

Well, it's not my fault. Nobody reads newspapers anymore.

Everything's on the Internet. I know.

Well, just in time. I want you to tell me if my yam casserole is sweet enough.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm not a fan.

Yes, you are. You're such a joker.

He's such a joker. He loves yams. Like I said, he loves yams.

Okay.

I made that with Splenda instead of sugar.

Maybe just a little more time here. He is really funny.

He is. He really is. He's so funny. He's such a kidder.

Well, I just hope he's more serious when it comes to setting a wedding date. Mom,

please don't start. Honey.

I'm sorry if I seem a little anxious.

It's just that I have been deprived of planning the weddings for not one,

but two of my daughters. Here we go. Can't you girls understand that a

mother wants to plan her daughter's weddings?

Oh, since you were babies, I've dreamed of this.

And then to find out that Tricia eloped to an island.

Well, what about Joy? Joy's engaged. Yes.

Joy's engaged. Yes, she is. And has been for two years.

I will be six feet under by the time she sets a date.

I'm sorry if I'm a little upset.

But, honey, it's come down to you. You're the only one I can count on.

I'm... December 21st.

I didn't want to tell you. I wanted to... We were going to surprise you at

dinner, but that's it. December 21st.

You're getting married on December 21st? Yes.

Oh, my God. It's kind of soon, but it's fabulous.

Oh, my darling girl.

Oh, this is fantastic.

Oh, did you hear?

I'm so happy.

Okay, I have to book the community hall and call Gayle's Greenery. I don't even

know the number. We wanted something small.

And once we get this baby boiling, you just rig the bird up to this line, just

drop it in the oil, huh? Whatever you say.

All right, let's fire this bad boy up. All right. Get that, would you? Yeah.

Let me ask you something.

Uh-huh. Do you ever represent a...

Councilman or a politician or anything? No, not personally. But you could, huh?

Sure. Good to know.

Good to know.

Uh, wait, don't you want to wait until the oil heats up? Come on, we're missing

the game. It's going to take half an hour for it to get boiling. Come on. Oh,

God. Okay.

So, it's me.

No, things are not going well at all. I just told my mom that David and I are

getting married in a month. You're marrying David now?

That was quick. No, no, no. Me and Jason. I just, I blurted it out that

we're getting married on December 21st. Wait, what?

This is nuts. I'm putting you on speaker.

Well, no, because what if Jason really did get cold feet and he's going to come

back to me? Because I mean more than Pittsburgh.

And then the wedding is already planned, which is actually not that crazy.

No, it's crazy, Hill. It's super crazy. I know, that's crazy.

What am I gonna do?

Look, I don't know.

Surf's up, and Greg's gonna be here any minute. I gotta go. What?

Yeah, just listen to your heart.

Just ride the wave.

Just ride the wave.

What? Surf's who?

Cowabunga. Sophie.

Sophie.

Sophie.

I think it's probably been 30 minutes. Should we go check on the pot?

You know, I could use a little, you know, legal counsel.

Oh, well, you're a councilman, right? I'm sure you have a great lawyer.

He's a little too involved, you know what I mean?

Anyway, what would be better than keeping it in the family?

All right, well, I guess I better go. Drop that bird in the oil. Oh, uh, you

sure you don't need a hand with that? No, no. I got it covered.

Uh,

ticklish.

Hi.

That is beeping.

Thank you.

Peter,

can I have my foot back, man? Oh, of course. Thank you.

You're welcome.

Anything important? Oh, no.

No, nothing important.

It looks like your dad's contraption is actually going to work out.

For the love of... Well, this isn't so bad.

Oh, um... I asked for seltzer. This looks like tap water with

cheese floating in it. Sorry, Mrs. Burns.

I can see that your old boyfriend hasn't amounted to much.

Hi! Sorry we're late. Hey.

Where's Gil?

Uh, the benefit that he was attending ran late, so now he's snowed in.

In New York. Well, that's too bad.

I know.

If he were here, he could have gotten us a table at the golf club.

Then we wouldn't have to eat in this dump.

Hey, it's not snowing in New York.

You know, Gilbert has a platinum membership to all the best clubs.

Well, I'm not a big golf fan, so this place suits me just fine.

This is fine. This is great.

No. I thought you said that you met Jason at a charity golf tournament. That

you were covering for that paper?

That's right.

Yeah. I'm not a fan of the golf.

But, you know, like a spectator. But I just play. But very, very badly. Very,

very badly.

That's why they gave you a car.

Yeah.

The Tesla, right? Yes. He won the car at the tournament, and you interviewed the

winner. Look at me.

He forgets everything, right, honey? Crazy. I think you're sandbagging,

aren't you? No, I'm not sand.

Hola. Oh, thank God. My name is Paco, and I'll be your server this holiday

evening. Would you like to hear about our specials? Ah, seguro.

Okay, well, basically what we have is anything that's chicken, pollo, we

switch that out for guajolote.

Guajolote? Guajolote.

That means turkey. And that turkey tacos are particularly delicious tonight.

David? Yes? Hey!

It's Julian!

Hi, Julian!

Hey! Hey there! Hi there!

But my name is Jason.

Jason? Jason is my name. No, it's not.

Really? Yes, Jason.

But my...

David is my middle name, so there's confusion sometimes.

Oh, okay. All righty.

It's been a while since we did that bus and truck tour pair together.

Oh, God, you look good. Are you still in the biz?

Yes.

So what are you doing?

Oh, you're looking at it. It's a nightmare, yeah. I had to move back in

with my parents to get a more stable career going on, so here I am.

All right, I hear you.

Gracias. De nada. I'll be there.

It never stops.

Anyway, I'll be back in a minute to get your orders. Just word to the wise,

don't get the huevos franteros. I had them for breakfast. I feel like there's

a knife in my colon. Happy Turkey Day, everyone! Olé!

Olé!

Jillian is... So, Jason David, what biz are you still

in? Oh, I'm in the law.

I... I do a little pro bono work.

Um, parody.

Um, I represented a few theater companies a few years back.

So, theater people are so, um, crazy.

Um, I need some salsa.

Thank you. He's a giver.

How could you forget? We went over that at least a half a dozen times. I've

never played golf before. It's not a part of my repertoire. And what was all

that with the crazy waiter in the diner? We were in a production of Hair eight

years ago. How was I supposed to know we'd end up in... Where are we, anyway?

Is everything okay?

Yes, we were just talking about the mix-up in the diner. Oh, what mix-up?

Well, I'm pooped. Oh, I'm pooped, too.

It's not every day that we blow up a turkey around here.

You know, dinner was actually kind of fun, and the Mexican food wasn't half

bad. It was good. Not as good as your turkey dinner would have been.

It wasn't even close.

You know, if Hillary doesn't kick me to the curb, maybe I'll be lucky enough to

try it next year.

Well, you know, I didn't want to deep fry that turkey in the first place. But

when Roy gets an idea stuck in his head.

But we've got stuffing, three pies, and my yam casserole, which is always better

on the second day anyway. That is so true.

You know, it's getting late. Uh-huh. So you go to bed.

Okay. Get a good night's sleep, and we'll see you in the morning, okay?

Good night.

Good night.

Your turn to sleep on the cot.

I'm sorry.

No.

No, it was me.

I dropped the ball.

I just, I don't know why you're doing this. I mean, I know you want the

tickets, but there's got to be an easier way to get to Mexico.

Playa del Carmen.

It's where I met my girlfriend.

Or, rather, my ex-girlfriend.

I guess I thought that if I took her back to the resort when we met... And...

I don't know, it might reignite the spark or something.

But I didn't have enough money for the ticket, so... Well, I'm sure it'll work.

I hope so.

I mean...

She's kind of dating this other guy right now.

But who does she call every time they break up?

Me.

So obviously, she, deep down, she really doesn't want to be with him.

So you're the get-back guy.

What?

What, Matt?

The get-back guy?

You know, the guy she calls to get back at her ex.

No, I'm not that guy. He's that guy.

Well, when you met her, was she seeing him? No, they'd just broken up.

See?

No, no, no. It's not like that.

They broke up. Uh-huh. And then we met.

And then we were, you know, together.

Like a couple. For how long?

Four, you know, five weeks.

And then she went back to him.

Yeah, but she keeps calling me.

All right, it may look like I'm the get-back guy, but I know that all she

needs to do is get away from that hold he has on her, and then she can realize

that what she really wants is me.

Okay.

Trust me.

I know her.

She's materialistic and sentimental.

So this could work.

Maybe. I mean, the ticket thing.

Are you hungry?

You know, I was bummed when the post closed down.

That was my Sunday morning read. I love that funky rag. I know.

The end of an era.

So are you going to find another gig reporting or something?

I don't know. I mean, the only reason why I got that job was because my friend

Sophie worked there and I needed it and I'm not very good at it.

You wrote that article a few weeks back about the animal shelter.

Right? Yeah, what do you mean?

Well, you must have some talent. I mean, it's thanks to you that I am now the

proud owner of the same dog you were hugging in that photo.

You rescued Skittles from the adult shelter because of what I wrote?

Yeah. Only his name's Whiskey now.

Yeah. I'm gonna miss the post.

Oh.

I mean, I get all the news I can handle online, but I want to hold something,

you know?

Not just my laptop, but an actual newspaper.

Yeah, I'd love for him.

Who says Prince is dead?

Let's start a revolution.

Be the prince.

Nice.

What about you?

How's your acting coming?

My acting is not really going anywhere.

This and that cell phone gig are the only paying jobs I've had in a while.

Look at the pair of us, dumped, unemployed, and eating sugar and carbs

at midnight.

Right.

Who is it?

I don't know.

We should take this upstairs.

Great idea.

Only two more days to go.

If we lie low, we just go with it, I think we could totally get through this.

No, but let's not press our luck.

Let's... Get out of here and go sightseeing or something. I plan.

You know you totally snore, right? What? No way. Oh my God, yes way.

Sorry. Oh, you startled me.

It's beautiful.

Oh, well, it will be.

You do this all yourself?

Every year.

Wow, it's impressive.

Well, I started doing this one year when the girls were very young, and they were

convinced that Santa Claus' elves decorated the house. So I have to keep

going.

Well, your secret's safe with me. Thank you.

Um, can I help you at all? No!

Oh.

I'm sorry.

Uh, okay.

There is a wreath over there that I had designed for the mantle, yes? Here? Pick

it up very carefully, and it belongs right on the mantle in the center, okay?

Watch yourself on that ladder.

Oh, I got it.

Thank you, Jason.

Don't worry about it.

It's a little crooked there.

No, I mean, thank you for Thanksgiving and for being such a good sport today.

And thank you for loving my daughter.

She loves you very much, you know.

I can see it in her face.

Well, I love her too, Mrs. Burns.

Oh, call me Meredith, please.

Or Mom, if you like.

Okay.

Listen, can I give you a hand with anything else?

After 20-some years, I've got it down to a science.

All right.

I'll, um...

Goodnight, Jason.

Goodnight.

Goodnight, Mom.

you see this oh yeah my mom does this every year after thanksgiving it's her

tradition when we were little we used to think it was elves or something so

she does that all by herself oh yes she never lets any of us help except with

the tree and that's just because she can't lift it herself or believe me she

would if she could we offered to help her over the years but oh no it's her

special christmas thing

I was looking for.

I know you're only here for a few more days,

but we have to find the perfect wedding dress and pick the china and the linens

and the cake.

Oh, Mom, you don't need us for all that, and I can get the dress back home.

Well, okay, it's just that all of my friends went with their daughters to

pick out their wedding dresses and... So I thought you might want to do the same,

but, you know, if you want to go with someone else, I understand.

Of course, that's fine.

Oh, I think you should go, hon.

I mean, go with it. Isn't that what brides are supposed to do? Go dress

shopping with their mothers?

Yes, of course, yeah. But do you really think it's a good idea to go shopping on

Black Friday?

Oh, we have no choice.

If we go after, all the best dresses will be gone.

Oh, and, Jason, I'd like you to go with us to pick the china.

Oh, I don't need to go. I mean, I'm sure I'll love whatever Hillary picks out.

She knows me better than anyone.

Well, that's perfect. Give us some time to catch up and maybe get a little free

counsel, huh, son?

You know, come to think of it, Roy, I'm going to be eating off those plates for

the rest of my life. So let's go shopping.

Let's go shopping.

Mom, look. Oh, it's beautiful.

Here,

hold my purse.

Thanks.

Here,

okay, thanks.

Are you almost ready?

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Oh, darling, I love this. Yes?

Yes.

So what's going on with you and Jason?

Nothing.

My point exactly.

For two young lovebirds, I don't see much affection.

No kiss, no hug.

Mom, he's just not a touchy-feely guy. Don't worry about it. I just want to be

able to see your marriage succeed, you know.

Most marriages fall apart first in the bedroom.

You know, your father and I make love three times a week. My ears are

bleeding. Oh, stop.

Well, we made that agreement when we got married.

Your father and I.

Knew it was important that in spite of anything, we would make time... Jim, now

I'm deaf.

I just don't want to see you screw this up.

Jason's a good catch.

A little odd and nervous, I guess, but I like him.

He's good for you.

I can see it.

I'm never wrong. I know.

Come up here.

Oh, sweetheart, you just, you look so beautiful.

Pretty. Hello.

Is she getting married?

Well, yes, of course.

I'm not. Oh.

My therapist says that I should visualize what I want and it will

manifest itself.

Well, that sounds like a very good strategy.

I want that dress.

I'll take it.

That's beautiful.

Thank you.

Nice. Oh, ma'am. Ma'am, that is my fiancé's dress.

I saw it first, and it's mine.

Okay, can I have it, please? No. Look, of your way.

Pretty!

Who dressed my bride?

So, just between you and I, How would you advise a client to proceed if it was

discovered that, let's say, he was getting money for selling, I don't know,

votes? I would probably advise that person to stop talking about it and

definitely not tell anyone.

There's no one.

Gotcha. Gotcha.

Hey, so what do you like better, cups or mugs?

I don't know. I think we get better when you set up mugs. And what do you think,

table setting for 8 or 12?

Hillary, can I talk to you outside for a minute? Yeah.

What, what, what?

You do realize that we're not actually getting married, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

But what if Jason actually did get cold feet? I mean, a lot of people think they

want to move to Pittsburgh, and then they change their mind.

Hey, look sharp, kids. There is someone here to see you.

Oh, Father Macy, what are you doing here?

Well, sweetie, your wedding is in less than a month.

You really should have met with Father Macy weeks ago, so I invited him over.

Oh, hi.

Oh.

Hello, I'm Father Macy. Hi, Father.

Jason. So, is there somewhere we could go and talk?

Well, it's a beautiful day. Why don't you take a walk?

Perfect. Let's.

Let's.

So, Jason.

You're going to marry Hillary. That's what they keep telling me.

Hillary, you're finally getting married.

I'm so very happy for you. It's been a long haul, hasn't it?

I guess.

Don't you both be getting nervous.

I won't be asking any personal questions, if you know what I mean.

I think we all know the ways of the birds and the bees.

But in all seriousness, I would like to make sure that you're both headed on the

same path.

That you share the same ideals and beliefs, for if not, the marriage could

suffer.

So, Jason, tell me, which church were you raised in?

Well, I didn't actually go to church.

No worries.

God understands that one must not be in his house to love him.

Amen. Are you Roman Catholic?

No. Protestant?

Mm-mm.

LDS? Jewish.

Jewish. Mm.

Well, I see.

I'm sure you understand, then, that I would not be able to perform the

ceremony. No, we talked about this, and Jason has no problem converting.

Actually, I... Oh, I have a wonderful idea.

We could have Jason baptized at the same time as Emma.

Oh, I don't... No, Trish, I don't... Yeah, that could... Wow.

No way. No way I'm getting baptized.

Come on. It's just a formality. It's not that big a deal.

I'm Jewish?

You're not that Jewish.

What are you even talking about? My grandma, Turtletop, would roll in her

grave if she knew I was doing this. My mom will be so disappointed if we don't

have a wedding at her church.

What wedding, Hillary? We're not really getting married.

Shh, quiet.

Oh, my God.

I'm so sorry.

This is so stupid.

You're right. This is so stupid. What am I doing? This is so stupid.

I mean, here I am trying to do everything to make my mother happy, and

for what?

To set her up for my greatest disappointment ever.

That's so foolish to think Jason is actually coming back. He's not coming

back. I mean, he's in Pittsburgh. He's happy to be rid of me.

And even if he did come back, how can I explain that? It's not like you two are

exactly twin brothers.

Here. Just give the voucher numbers to the airline for your tickets.

Take them.

You earned them.

But the... The weekend's not even over yet.

Please. I couldn't expect you to stay when the crap hits the fan. I mean, God

knows you've been through enough already.

Yeah.

So, uh...

This is it.

The engagement's off.

Yes. Yeah.

The engagement's off.

Is there a train or something I should catch?

Yeah.

You missed the 5.30, but I think there's an 11.30.

That's better. I should probably wait to leave until after everyone's gone to

bed.

Thanks.

Sure.

Yeah, I... I guess I should pack.

Yes, I will leave you alone. Okay.

Okay.

That was, uh, fun. Right?

Yeah.

Good luck with, uh, everything.

Thanks.

You too.

Hope you find the spark in Mexico.

Thanks.

I love you, Joy.

I'm not gonna stop because your mom doesn't like me. Oh, that is so sweet.

But my mom really doesn't like you. Joy!

Hey, sis.

Call you tomorrow.

Joy, is that the waiter from the diner? Yep.

So, uh, you can tell Mom?

No, no, of course not.

Thanks. Stu and I dated for a couple months before Mom set me up with the

footman.

She thought Stu wasn't good enough, so she worked her magic, and the next thing

I knew, Stu was out of the picture, and I was engaged to Pete the podiatrist.

Is that why you haven't set a date?

Don't get me wrong.

Pete's a good man.

A little weird, but good guy.

I just don't love him.

Not like I love Stu.

So, what's really going on with you and Jason?

Jason dumped me a week ago.

So I hired an actor named David to play my fiancé for the weekend.

You what?

Wait. Wait.

Okay, so where did Jason or David go?

Left.

Just... I don't know. It's left. It's... I don't know.

Oh, wow.

But... You like him. David, you like David. I... What?

I don't like David. I don't even know David.

It's crazy.

Like David.

I thought he was adorable.

No.

What?

I just thought my life was complicated.

Yeah.

Mom.

Yes? There's something I have to tell you.

About Jason.

He dumped me. I am well aware of what's going on.

You are?

Yes, I saw him leaving last night.

Oh, that's just part of it. That's not... Hillary Jean, I have to say this.

Sweetheart, when are you going to get serious?

You are not a spring chicken anymore.

30 is in the rearview mirror.

And you have nothing to show for it. No career, no direction, and now I guess no

Jason. Guess again.

Found him sitting in his car. I thought I'd invite him in.

Long story, Tyler.

Uh, just so everyone knows, for the record, none of this is Hillary's fault.

Oh, no.

Okay? So, um, aren't you two gonna kiss and make up?

No.

Go on. I have to. Go on.

Okay.

Should I call Father Macy?

I don't know.

No, no, that's fine. Call him.

Call him.

I should go unpack.

Told you.

Thank you.

Hey, we had a deal, right?

So, is your ex or whatever, is she going to Mexico?

Yep. Well, that's nice. You guys should have a good time.

I don't know about me, but I'm sure she and Peggy will have a great time.

What do you mean?

She thought I was giving her the tickets.

Oh, ouch. So now she and Peggy are going to go to Mexico and have a little break

from Matt.

God, I'm such an idiot.

All this time, I thought that maybe she actually cared about me. But you were

right.

She was just using me.

It's the story of my life. Always the get-back guy, never just the guy.

You know, don't give her those tickets.

What am I going to do with a couple tickets to Mexico?

It's too late anyway. She's already halfway up here. I'm supposed to meet

her at the diner in like ten minutes.

I gotta go.

How do I look?

Great. I don't know. I feel like I maybe should have worn the Armani.

So, I heard about you and Jason.

You know, Hill, I think you need to be careful.

Jason's a good catch, and good men are few and far between.

If you really feel like he's the one, you've got to sink tooth and nail into

keeping him.

Look at Gil and me.

Gil could have had his pick of the crop, but I made sure that he married me.

Sure, I have to put up with his absences, but he's a man.

And you can't change them.

I get it.

But if you don't get it, you better be sure that there's going to be somebody

next in line who will.

Men aren't perfect.

But that Jason of yours comes pretty close.

Yeah.

He's pretty special.

You know, guilt provides for me.

And now, all I want is for Emma and whoever this is to

have everything that they deserve.

You're pregnant?

Yes, but don't say anything. I haven't even told Gil yet.

Wait, wait, wait.

Where are you going?

Hi, Linz.

So, do you have the tickets?

Yeah, about that.

You know, when I told you about these tickets, I was kind of hoping that you

and I would go and have a really nice... Wait till Matt finds out that I'm going

to Mexico.

Right. Can we not talk about Matt, maybe?

Oh my god, he's gonna be so pissed.

Sweetie, hi!

Hi! Oh, I'm so sorry I'm late.

I had to meet with the caterers, I had another dress fitting.

I'm sorry, and you are?

Lindsay. Lindsay.

Lindsay.

Lindsay?

Lindsay, David told me all about you and Playa del Carmen. God, I guess I'm lucky

he's not into party girls, huh?

Did you send her an invite to our wedding?

Wedding? You didn't send her an invite?

It happened so fast, though.

That's right. It was just boom, like that. Love at first sight. Isn't that

right, sweetie?

Mm-hmm.

Thank you.

Okay, um, David, can I just have the tickets, please?

Oops.

David, that's actually why I'm here.

I have to admit, when he first told me about your thing in Mexico, I was

jealous. I was.

In the heat of the moment, I told him to give the vouchers away, right? Because

it's not like we can have a honeymoon where he met some girl.

But then, I woke up this morning and I was like, no.

You know what? The past is the past.

The heck with it. I mean, he's marrying me, not you.

So I went online, I traded in the vouchers, and surprise!

Save some for the wedding night, Tiger.

Fine. I guess I'll just be going then.

Thanks for nothing, David.

Oh, Lindsay, I'm so sorry. I just had no idea what Hillary was capable of.

It's very impressive, actually.

Bye, Lindsay.

I'm sorry. I got a little carried away with the... Oh, yeah.

It's fine. But thank you. Yeah.

No, thank you.

So, 24 more hours and we've pulled it off.

Yep.

Yep. You all right?

Yeah. Yes.

I'm good. I'm just... You know.

I'm happy we pulled it off, but it still doesn't change the fact that I have to

tell my mom that you and I, Jason and I, rather, are through.

Yeah. You know, if we want, we could pull out a knock-down, drag-out fight

between your family, then they wouldn't want you to marry me or Jason.

True. Or we could postpone the wedding, blame it on my grueling work schedule,

and then I come back around Easter.

We can keep this thing going until next Thanksgiving.

No. You're very sweet, but you've done enough.

You should just take those tickets and run.

You deserve a vacation.

Besides, maybe you'll find a new spark.

Angels we have heard on high Sweetly

singing o'er the plains And the mountains

in reply Echoing their joyous

strains

That's not the second verse.

No? Really?

Alright, go for it.

And...

That was wonderful.

Honey, I haven't heard you sing for so long.

And the two of you together.

Just beautiful.

Just beautiful.

Jason.

What are you doing here?

I wanted to see you.

Who is it, honey?

Oh. Mom, Dad.

Everybody.

This is Jason.

Happy holidays, everybody.

Mom. Mom, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that, but I didn't want to

disappoint you.

So you bring a total stranger into my house. I would never, ever have believed

that you would be capable of doing something so despicable. What were you

thinking?

Peter and I are breaking up.

Sorry, dude.

Is there any chance you might still be a lawyer then?

No.

But you'll still respect that whole client-lawyer confidentiality thing,

right?

Why not?

You know, Joy's available now.

Hillary, can we talk?

Yes.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry about David. I don't know. I think I might have lost

my mind. I'm so confused. I don't know anything.

I understand.

You do?

Because I don't... People do crazy things when their hearts have been

broken.

Besides, harboring grudges is no way for us to start our future together.

Our future?

You said I was a mistake.

And I don't know if I want to move to Pittsburgh.

There is no Pittsburgh.

Sharpelle gave the promotion to his idiot nephew.

But none of that matters anymore, because... because now we can be

together.

I really missed you, Hilary.

You did?

David, what are you doing? Well, actually, I was just going to go talk to

Hillary. I think that's a bad idea. In fact, I'm very surprised to see that

you're still here.

Weren't you the one that was paid to fill Jason's shoes, to pull the wool

over our eyes? Well, I guess, but I... Well, congratulations, because you did a

great job. You made fools out of all of us.

And now that Jason is here, I really don't think there's any reason for you

to stay.

But I... Don't.

Don't hurt Hillary's chances.

Okay.

No, no, no. You know what? You may think that Jason is the perfect son-in-law,

but he's not. He walked out on Hillary.

She's the one who's perfect. She's kind, and she's beautiful.

And she's a gifted writer. Have you ever even read one of her articles?

She concocted this whole thing just because she's terrified of disappointing

you.

All she wants is to keep you happy.

And Meredith, I'm sorry that I deceived you. I truly am very

sorry.

And it's fine if you think that Jason will make her happy. But have you ever

asked Hillary what will make her happy?

Have you?

Oh. Kiss me.

What? Kiss me.

Do I really have to get this done?

No, kiss me.

Kiss me like the future Mrs. King.

Kiss me like you love me. Hillary, I really don't think your parents asked

the place for this.

You do love me, right?

Go for King.

Bill, it's going to be fine.

Yeah, I'll get there early enough Monday morning. They'll never know what

happened.

I'm always on top of it. I'll be on top of it now.

No.

Gary will get them to me.

Hi, sweetheart.

Hi, Daddy.

I have a question.

Does, um, Jason, the real Jason, not the fake Jason, does he have

any other talents besides being a good lawyer?

What do you mean?

Can you make a turkey?

Maybe play a tune?

Jason?

I don't think so.

What, did he make you sing like he did earlier tonight?

You know, I know it doesn't seem like it, but your mother really just wants

you to be happy.

Maybe it's time you told her what you want.

If you know what you want.

Do you?

Mom?

Oh, Hillary.

I'm so sorry, honey.

You sent all these beautiful articles, and I'm sorry I didn't read them.

Well, it's not like they're really very good. They are good.

They are good.

You are a gifted writer, and I'm glad that newspaper closed down.

You're too good for them.

You've always been a gifted writer.

And all of those wonderful things that David yelled at me.

I just wish that you had told me what Jason did.

I'm sorry that you didn't feel like you could tell me that.

I'm sorry.

If I'd been there...

Love Jason not not I mean you know the real Jason. I know you mean

I

Think I hate him

Well done.

I gotta borrow your car.

Thanks.

No, I have four copies right... What? You... You said my car?

I'll call you a cab.

Hi.

How did you... I borrowed Jason's car.

Oh. And how did you know where to find me?

Background check, remember?

Ah, right.

You forgot your suitcase.

Oh, uh... You didn't have to bring it all this way. I wanted to.

Well, thanks.

And congratulations.

Jason seems like... a total jerk.

I know it's not my place to say that, but...

But love is blind, right?

Yeah.

It was.

Well, uh... I'm glad you're happy.

Now.

And, um... I'm sure it's gonna be a great wedding.

Well, it would be, but I'm missing one really important thing.

What?

Groom.

There's no groom.

You and Jason... Nope.

Jason is a total jerk, you're right.

And a big mistake.

Huge mistake.

Huge mistake.

Okay.

You're here now.

You're here.

Mm-hmm.

What does that make me?

Not a mistake