Original subtitles

"To the dread-rattling thunder Have I given fire,"

"And rifted Jove's stout oak With his own bolt."

"The strong bas'd promontory Have I made shake"

"And by the spurs pluck'd up The pine and cedar."

"Graves at my command have wak'd their sleepers,"

"Op'd and let 'em forth by my so potent art."

Here's one...

-What would you rather be? -Is now the best time to do this?

Would you rather be you, with your face, your legs and brain of a chimpanzee?

Or would you rather be a chimpanzee, but with your brain?

I can't answer that, it's too inane even for you. It's the worst one yet.

"And deeper than did ever plummet sound. I'll drown my book."

And cut! Very good.

EXTRAS Episode 6

-Alright? -Yeah.

-That is acting. -I know what acting is!

You know what watching acting is. Watch me later.

I've got a line: "All's lost. To prayer, to prayer, all's lost."

-Embarrassing. -You don't know what it means!

-Not the way you did it! -But you've no idea?

While you were at school, I was shagging birds.

You told me you didn't have sex until 22!

Interesting!

Your mum wouldn't let you bring girls home.

-The plot thickens. -Maybe I lied to her...

Than why did you say you lost your virginity

to a woman looking like Ronnie Corbett?

-It's goodnight from me. -Rubbish!

I hope you have better luck with the acting than you've had with the ladies.

-You don't know anything. -See you later.

-I'd love to show him. -You'll get off with another woman.

I mean my acting career. I get off with birds all the time.

Why did you tell him about the Ronnie Corbett woman?

Enter.

I'm probably going to get fired for being here.

I'm an extra in this, but I'm an actor.

I'm desperate and as I say I'm really sorry...

Don't apologise. Sit down.

You're hustling. Acting is a noble, but tough profession.

I'm getting my face around in anything I can.

I suppose I'm networking, but I've written a script...

Writing, that's the key. I'm writing myself at the moment.

As actors, the only choice we have is yes or no.

If you're writing, you're creating your own chances.

This is my thinking, yes.

I'm writing this screenplay and I find the whole process exhilarating.

-What's yours about? -You've seen me in "X Men"?

My character, Professor Charles Xavier,

can control things with the power of his mind.

So I thought what if you could do that for real,

not in a comic book world, but in the real world.

So in my film, I play a man who controls the world with his mind.

For instance, I'm walking along and I see this beautiful girl.

I think I'd like to see her naked and so all her clothes fall off.

-All her clothes fall off? -Yes.

She's scrabbling around to get them back on again,

but even before she can get her knickers on I've seen everything.

-It's a comedy, is it? -No.

It's about what would happen if these things were possible.

-What's the story? -I do other stuff.

I'm riding my bike in the park and this police woman says:

"You can't ride your bike on the grass" and I go: "oh no".

Her uniform falls off and she's trying to cover up, but I've seen everything.

And I get on my bike and I ride off on the grass.

So it's mainly you sort of going round seeing ladies tits.

Mainly. I go to the World Cup Final and it's Germany versus England

and I wish that I were playing and I score the winning goal

and they carry me into the dressing room and there's Beckham...

-Then Posh Spice walks in and... -Her clothes fall off?

Instantly. And she doesn know what's happening. But I've seen...

-... everything. -Again.

Is there a story in the film or is it just...

I'm a sort of James Bond figure. I go to Iraq to rescue these hostages.

I get there and I rescue them, but they're all women

and they're naked because their clothes had rotted off.

I get them into the helicopter and I'm flying the helicopter,

but I can still sneak a look in the mirror and I can see everything.

One of them's bending over, two of them are kissing.

-They've turned Lesbian? -They'd been in the camp too long.

It can happen. Good luck with that! I've just written a sit com.

I wonder if you could give it to anyone in film or TV.

Is there any nudity in it?

Not really. There could be.

-Men or women? -Either. Just women.

I need to re-write, but in the meantime if you could give it to anyone...

Definitely. I will make it so.

You've seen "Star Trek: The Next Generation"...

-I haven't. -Your wife won't let you have it on?

-I'm not married. -Your girlfriend then?

I haven't got a girlfriend, I live alone.

You're not married and you don't watch "Star Trek"?

-No. -Good lord!

You're wondering why I called you in for an unscheduled meeting.

-Got the wrong day? -No. These are exciting times.

I know you've been busy. I've been busy as well,

generating a lot of heat about your sitcom script.

I've sended it to a little production company called "Picard Productions".

They sent it on to the comedy department at the BBC

who have been in touch and there's a lot of buzz.

-The BBC have called you? -They said they love the script.

They'd like to get you in and have a chat and brainstorm everything.

Brilliant. Who's the production company?

It's a little production company set up by Patrick Stewart...

You sent this to Patrick Stewart? Recently?

-About two months ago ... -You didn't. I gave it to him on set.

Even if I haven't done anything towards this,

please can I still have my 12,5 percent?

-Why not? -Yeah? Thank you.

Have you thought about who could play the main character?

-I'm playing the main character. -Are you sure?

I'm not sure they'd cast a nobody in the main role.

-We'd insist. -The obvious choice is Barry.

No offence, Shaun! I'm playing the lead character.

Are you sure though, because he's really versatile?

Barry can do all sorts. Do your serious.

"You do love me, Janine, you do, I know you do!"

-Do your comical. -"Pat, you've trodden on my foot!"

-He's a singer as well. -Loud, isn't it?

-He did a gig once without microphone. -There wasn't a microphone there.

He turned up for this gig there was no P.A. system...

They were going to cancel the gig,

I said: "I don't need a microphone, microphones are for wimps."

And I belted it out, in front of 140 odd people.

They were lot of empty seats, didn't bother him, just went for it.

-What are you doing? -Having a little sing song.

I'm playing the lead character. That's it, I don't want to discuss it.

-Are you sure though? -Yes.

-You don't seem a funny bloke. -Sorry?

-You come in here and you're negative. -Doesn't that tell you something?

I understand... But I don't get Barry any work and he's happy.

-Not entirely happy. -Calm down, mate.

If you've got an issue, have a private meeting with me.

You've been hanging around with him too much, giving it this.

-Iain Morris, Head of New Comedy. -I'm Andy, this is my agent.

-Darren Lamb, nice to meet you. -Hello. Take a seat.

We're waiting for one more person. I want you to meet Damon Beesley,

a producer, but also a great writer. He's a script editor and I'd like to...

Room for a small one? Cheeky, started without me.

What's he been saying? It's all lies.

Lucky for you I haven't said anything at all. Andy this is Damon.

We're not worthy. I love your script, I wet myself laughing.

-At last, some real talent at the BBC. -Cheers.

-He's happy. -Where are we?

-Where you see this project going? -BBC 1.

-I don't, actually. -BBC 3?

No. BBC 2. I think that's really good for comedy.

If you come up with a new project on BBC 1, you've got to water it down.

-I don't want a laughter track. -No laughs.

-There'll be laughs. -There'll be big laughs.

But I don't want it to be aimed at people without a sense of humour.

I don't want it filmed in front of a live studio audience.

Unless you disagree with that, in which case we do whatever you want to do.

-No. -There's no need to do that, no.

Because it's your first project, I'd like you to write with someone else.

-He will write with anyone. -I won't work with anyone.

He will not, that's a deal breaker.

I'd like to write it myself just 'cause it's based on my own experiences.

The character is based on a boss I used to work for

and I think the best things are autered.

Turd! No?

I would feel happier getting Damon here,

to work with you as script editor, just tidy up the first script.

-I think it's a little bit flabby. -It's a bag of ideas at the moment.

The best thing to move this forward is to get you two together in a room.

-Inappropriate! -That would be great.

Let's talk cash, because this script is piping hot...

-We don't need to talk cash now. -Maybe just a little bit.

-We need money for supplies, pencils. -I could probably find you a computer.

-Are you happy with a computer? -Yes.

-He's happy. We'll go with that. -Okay good.

Thank you very much.

-Celebrate good times, come on! -Did you get it? Brilliant!

Someone's celebrating. A wealthy old relative popped her clogs?

No. Could be because of the TV show the BBC have just given me.

-Pilot for a sit com. -What sit com?

-The sit com that I wrote. -You're not funny.

-The BBC beg to differ. -What's it about?

It's about my old boss I used to work for.

I've got something for everyone to say thanks for all the great times.

Just a few crumbs from the table, share the wealth.

I am devastated to be leaving you behind, we've had such great time.

-Especially you Julie. -Lucy.

-Shouldn't you be in costume? -I am.

Why did we never... And you, will you please call me?

-I haven't got your number. -079...

-What's that? -Listen up.

079 then a four, all the threes, put them all in and in a particular order.

-Get them off Julie if you can't... -I haven't got your number.

-I'll text it to you. -You haven't got my number.

I'll work it out.

We can arrange the camping trip we've always talked about.

-Anyway, I'll see you later. -Yeah, okay bye.

See you! You look a bit pale. Could you get some rouge for Greg?

-I'm fine. -You look a bit sick.

I think structurally we're all higgledipiggledypew.

We can get to the boss coming in quicker and set him up straight away.

We could start with him actually walking in to work,

in the first scene he just actually comes in and that's when you see him.

The real Ray used to come in to work every day without fail.

He'd just walk up to someone and say: "have you done the invoices?"

I'd go: "no". He'd go: "is he having a laugh?" "Are you having a laugh?"

Brilliant. We're having that. That's funny. Do it again.

That's what he used to do, go up to someone and: "is he having a laugh?"

-Are you having a laugh? -That will be a catch phrase.

-I'm not sure about catchphrases. -No, it'll be great. People can say it.

"Is he having a laugh? Are you having a laugh?"

-Catchphrases are too easy. -Are you having a laugh?

-It could get annoying after a while. -Do you fancy a coffee?

I haven't had one in about 20 minutes.

Shall I get one from upstairs or one from Costa's?

-It might take me a bit longer. -That one then.

Are you having a laugh?

-Hello. Can we help? -It's my friend Maggie.

-Come in. This is Damon. -You cow, I love your bag.

-Do you want a cappucino? -No, I'm here for a wee minute.

Lovely to meet you. See you again, hopefully.

-Welcome to our world! -Look at you.

-Take a seat. Take a letter. -I will.

-Are you well? -You know, got my health.

-How's it going here? -He's doing my head in.

Who? The owner of this monstrosity. Quentin Crisp.

He's just skipped down the corridor.

He's too gay. No one needs to be that gay.

-What do you mean he's too gay? -He's a cliché of a gay.

If I was doing Give us A Clue and the clue came up a gay bloke, I'd do him.

-That's a wee bit homophobic. -It's not homophobic.

I don't care how much arse sex he has, but do you have to be that camp?

When does that happen? When do you suddenly think:

"I prefer a nice savaloy to a battered cod, so I'd better walk like this."

-I liked him. -Course you do.

-Women like you love the gays. -What do you mean women like me?

Wrong side of thirty, six out of ten for looks,

you've got someone to go to the disco.

You walk in with him and you go: "I'm not shy, I've got a bloke."

But if a bloke comes up that you fancy you say: "he's just my gay friend".

-Perfect it's a safety net. -Is that all I get? Six out of ten?

-Look me in the eye and say it. -In your wonky or your good eye?

I have got one eye a wee bit higher up than the other one.

-How are you getting on with Andy? -He's very talented.Very funny script.

You've not run into his funny little ways.

He can be quite odd sometimes. But he is like that with everybody.

-How do you mean? -He's got this thing about noise.

At a restaurant, when somebody is cutting their meat too loudly,

he's getting all annoyed.

Note to self. Cut meat quietly.

You might find you might want to just tone it down a little bit.

-Tone what down? -Sometimes he thinks you're too gay.

-Did he say that? -But he wasn't being nasty about it.

I've said the wrong thing, I shouldn't have, should I?

-No, I'm glad you told me. -Thank god for that.

-I thought I'd put my foot in it... -Not at all.

-It was lovely to meet you then. -Absolutely.

-See you again. -I'll take it on board.

You have one message. Message one.

It's your daddy here with your mummy. Nothing important.

Give it to me. Hello, dear! We're so pleased for Andy.

It got us thinking. You should try and do something with your life.

Your dad and I aren't expecting anything spectacular,

we were just thinking a job you could be proud of.

We love you so much we hate to think of you growing old

and being poor and living in squalor and dying a spinster.

Put our minds at rest that you're not frittering your life away.

If things get any worse, you can always come back home.

-We've still got your room. -It's my study now.

We could easily squeeze in a tiny wee single bed.

Give us a call, sweetheart. Bye for now.

I love the changes. I think this is looking great.

We're ready to move things forward a stage.

I'd like to shoot a nonbroadcast pilot with a view to making a series.

Thank you. Brilliant.

Are you happy with the way things have gone so far?

-Definitely. -You happy working with Damon?

No problems in your working relationship?

No.

I'm not too gay for you then?

I said I wasn't going to say anything, but he's lying through his teeth!

Your friend Maggie told him what you said about him.

-What did I say about him? -That he's too gay.

-She's an idiot. -So you didn't say that?

Yes, but he wasn't meant to hear it.

If you're so homophobic, you couldn't work with a single gay person...

No, I'm not homophobic.

I actually said to her, I don't care how much arse sex he has,

he's just too... I can't remember what I said.

You're aware that I'm gay?

No, you don't make a song and dance about it...

I'll stop you there. We've all got to work together.

If this is where we are when we've only just started,

where are we going to be a month or so down the line?

I'll just apologise to Damo.

Everybody gets wound up with people they work in close proximity with.

It's not a case of being straight or gay, it's my neuroses...

Do you think you could put your hang ups and your neuroses on hold?

-He won't be around for long. -What Aids?

-Sorry? -Is it Aids?

I mean the pilot will only take a couple of months.

Talk to Damo, we'll see if we can go forward with this project or not.

-We can. I'll talk to him now. -Okay good.

-I'll go and talk to him. -Alright bye.

-Stay out of my business! -Andy what? Come in!

I may have lost the pilot, thanks to you.

Telling Damo I thought he was too gay. What were you thinking?

That you were stressed and I just wanted to help you.

That's helping me? I just can't believe the stupidity...

Don't be like this, I can't cope. I'm having a bad time at the moment.

What's a bad time for you? Tie dyed the wrong t-shirt?

I was getting to where I wanted to be and you may have fucked it up.

I've been grovelling all day at the BBC. I've got a meeting there at 4.

Imagine if they pull the plug how am I going to look you in the face again!

Do you want me to say something? I'm sorry!

-I was just trying to help you. -I don't want you to help me anymore.

Stop living like a child, until it actually affects someone.

My advice to you is, you've got to grow up.

Sort your own mess out before you get involved in my life.

Do you want to follow me?

It's unfortunate we've ended up in this position, Andy. Damon...

Things were said that were hurtful. But your apology means a lot to me.

If you're happy to work with me, I'd like to carry on working with you.

Definitely.

-I'm such a huge fan of this project. -I'm a big fan of yours so...

-Great. -Happy?

-Water under the bridge. -Wonderful.

Let's get some dates sorted, get the ball rolling on his project.

Come on silly, huggy bears!

Do you want one? Just normal?

Thanks.

Cheers.

Cut, thank you!

See you!

-You alright? -Yeah. And you?

Yeah.

Okay. Now.

Hello, Maggie! This is Patrick Stewart here.

You're hearing my rich sexy voice

because Andy is not man enough to apologise himself.

That's why he's asked me to do it for him.

Please look at his fat expressionless face.

He doesn't mean any of the things he said

and he knows that you don't have a malicious bone in your body.

If you can find it in your heart to forgive him then, please make it so.

Have you seen "Star Trek: The Next Generation"?

-No, I haven't actually. -Never mind.

Are you an actress? I'm writing a film and I'd love you to be in it.

No, she can't. Thanks, cheers.

-What was that about a film? -You don't want any part of it.

-Your hair looks really nice. -Shut your face.

-It does. -Thanks.

-The pilot's fine by the way. -Thank god for that.

I have taken on board all that stuff that you were saying about growing up.

Please, shut up!

-You know what I mean. -I'm mortified.

I know, but you were right.

No. You're about the most grown up person I know.

-Sort of the only person you know. -You win by default. Correct.

-I'm really sorry. -Can you let go of my hand please?

Of course. A man's looking. That would ruin everything!

-He's quite a nice one! -He's fine.

I've been working up to say hello to him for the last couple of days.

-What do you think? -You know what I think.

I think you're a tart. Go on then. Work your magic.

I'll see you later!

-That was quick. -Couldn't think of anything witty.

-He was on the phone anyway. -Sure. What would you rather do...

Wake up and your teeth have sort of fallen out

or wake up and your hair's fallen out?

Or wake up and your toes have fallen off?

Has my hair gone for good?

Subtitling GRETE MÜLLER