Original subtitles

You bloody Yanks are all the same!

You walk round like you're John Wayne and leave us to clean up your mess.

I've got three embassies baying for blood,

two dead diplomats and a partridge in a pear tree!

Whitehall's running round like a bunch of headless chickens.

What am I supposed to tell the Prime Minister?

Tell him Uncle Sam's in town.

And cut there, thank you, check the tape we're moving on.

EXTRAS Episode 5

Sarge, those lads keep saying "Good afternoon, Constable !"

but making it sound like... Can I hit them?

If I was a real copper, I'd get ready like that,

and I'd have... it's only hair spray. I want my prisoners to look good.

Can I just say you were brilliant in that scene?

Thank you. I didn't do anything, I just had to hold this folder.

Which you did brilliantly, didn't drop it or anything.

That's three years of drama school for you.

-Sorry. I'm Maggie by the way. -Dan.

-I can't really talk now, I have to... -Go and do your thing.

-I just wanted to say that. -Thanks.

-What? -Nothing. Just a normal conversation.

He just held the file well, that's all you wanted to say to him.

-I'm going to put my pumps on. -Don't leave me here.

-What if one of them talks to me? -They're only human.

He's not.

-It'll take me two minutes. -Hurry up.

Quite incredible! Mr. Samuel L. Jackson in our midst.

I'm not Sam Jackson. We look alike but...

I've hit gold! I've found the joker in the pack.

-I don't know about that. -Seriously, that is great.

That's a gift, the gift of laughter. You remind me of a mate of mine Pete...

He used to run the Londis near me and we used to have a laugh together.

He'd have me in hysterics every time I saw him.

He was a Chelsea fan, I was a Spurs fan and when we'd meet...

-Why are you telling me this? -We'd have a chat, a laugh every time.

One day a couple of kids were messing around in his shop

and they chucked bleach in his eyes and blinded him.

I went to visit him in the hospital,

tears were coming out of his bandaged frazzled useless eyes.

And he went: "I don't think I'll ever laugh again". Do you know what?

-What? -I don't think he has.

-I stopped visiting him in the end. -Cheer him up?

Got too depressing. I used to hang out with him because he was a laugh,

but he just got boring.

He was miserable, blind... Not my cup of tea. "My eyes..."

-Sorry to interrupt. -No, please, don't apologise.

I need someone to do a few lines, sometime next week.

It's an officer in an I.D. parade. Interested in that?

I don't mind.

I was already seen on the desk when Samuel Jackson walked past.

I can't use you then. I need someone who hasn't been seen.

-He hasn't been seen. -You fancy that?

Sam Jackson comes in, and then you go:

"ten to one he's going to pick Sergeant Harris again".

-With Sam Jackson? -Yeah. Wanna to have a stab at that?

I'll let you know when we're doing it. Cheers, mate!

A line with Sam Jackson, cheers for that.

-I owe you one. -A favour's a favour.

-Just take me out one night. -What?

Take me out, on the town, one night.

-Let's go and eat on the other bus. -Why?

No reason. Let's do something out of the ordinary once in a while.

-Alright. -Bit of a break from the old routine.

Where are you going? You can't come on, here it's actors only.

-I am an actor. -You're background. This is for actors.

-I am an actor. -Your voucher is green.

So you're judging my entire career on the colour of my voucher.

No, I'm sure you've had major roles in other things.

-He hasn't. -Shut up.

I can't let you on here.

There's no one on though, can I just eat it and go, I'll be 5 minutes?

I can't allow that. That's the rule.

You've got a perfectly good bus over there. This bus if for actual actors.

Don't know why I asked. As if I could go on a bus meant for other people!

-I don't know him. Can I come on? -No.

Pig.

-Got any more jokes? -I haven't.

-Come on! -What's E.T short for?

-Dunno. -He's only got little legs.

My uncle was like you. Very funny guy.

Not towards the end though, not so much of a laugh towards the end.

Lost both his legs. Thrombosis.

There was very little to laugh about when he knew he was stuck downstairs,

no legs and he could hear his wife with another man having it off.

Despite the morphine, he could still hear her up there, at it.

Reckon he died from a broken heart in the end.

Still it's a wonderful gift that, laughter!

The gift that keeps on giving.

Anyway I've got to go and slash my wrists, I'll see you later alright?

-What are you doing on Saturday? -Why?

You could come round my place, couple of lads, open a couple of cans.

I've got a new DVD. Do you know what it is? Vera Drake.

Tempting. I've got to watch the game, it's Chelsea Man U so see you later.

When we going to go for that night out?

I know a lovely little restaurant.

You said: "shall we go for an evening out" and I didn't say no.

-You're going back on your promise? -It's not a promise.

You did me a favour which I thanked you for,

but it doesn't warrant a candlelit meal.

-What's wrong with that? -It's a bit weird.

What's wrong with a couple of mates having a meal together?

-We're not friends. -That's how we'll become.

But I don't go up to people willy nilly and go:

"I don't know you, but do you want to go to Butlins for the weekend?"

You might be a mental case, but let's find out, it's mad.

-Do you know what I mean? -No.

Hello!

-Maggie. -Dan.

Hi again... So how long have you been in this lark then?

I've only been acting for a couple of years. Done a couple of plays.

I'd like to do more films but they're hard to come by,

so I'm trying to get into TV.

To be honest, there's not a lot of black faces needed on television.

"Crimewatch". They always need black actors.

Or white actors.

Depending on whose committed the crime that day.

I mean there's black criminals, certainly there's white criminals...

I've just remembered I've got to go and...

What was it again? The bag, yeah, I'll see you later.

-Tell him you don't wanna be friends! -You can't say that to someone.

That is saying that you fundamentally have a problem with their personality.

-What are you going to do? -The only honourable thing I can do.

Add him to the long list of people that I have to avoid as long as I live.

I sat once through a whole evening through Comic Relief once because I...

-Are you an actress in this film? -Yes.

You can't come on here. You're not allowed on this bus.

-This is for supporting artists only. -What are you talking about?

You've got your own bus there and we've got our own bus.

I'm not allowed on yours, you're not allowed on mine...

-This is pathetic. -I know, but you can't come on.

-Get out the way. -I don't make the rules here.

You're a child.

We'll stick to our own, you stick to your own and then we're all happy.

He doesn't think you're a racist.

He's seen me say to a black woman: "you're not allowed on this bus".

It's that whole racism on a bus incident all over again.

-The Rosa Parks incident? -It wasn't in a park, it was on a bus.

Sure. He doesn't think you're a racist, and even if he does,

he's wrong because you're not. Don't worry about it.

What if subconsciously I'm a little bit racist?

-There is that test I can give you. -What test?

The one they give you when you join the council.

-I've never heard of this. -Do you want to do it? 10 questions.

Answer honestly.

You've got nothing to worry about unless you are a racist.

Question one: who would you rather see with their shirt off?

-Brad Pitt or Sir Trevor McDonald? -Brad Pitt obviously.

-Obviously? -What?

I can't say anything until the end. Question 2 is about racial awareness.

You catch out a racist because they don't know or care about black issues.

-The Prime Minister of Great Britain? -Tony Blair.

Correct. Who is the Prime Minister of Namibia?

-I don't know. -You knew the white one. Good.

-Who is the Queen of England? -Queen Elizabeth the Second.

-Who is the president of Dijibouti? -This is ridiculous.

I've never even heard of blooming Dijibouti!

Do not ridicule the totally valid African language. Next question.

Who would you rather have waiting for you when you got home tonight?

-Johnny Depp or OJ Simpson? -Johnny Depp.

-Because of the murder thing. -Mr O.J. Simpson was acquitted.

But in your eyes because he's black, he's still guilty.

-People still think he's guilty. -Racist people!

-I'm not racist. -I'm just going by the test.

I'm trying to get off with a black person.

You wouldn't want him waiting for you in your house when you got home.

Only because I would go: "how did you get in here?"

Now he's breaking and entering as well. Fascist.

-I'm going to go and ask him out now. -I'd... hold on.

Tell him you had a hate rating of 9.8, one more than Hitler.

He said yes. He is so lovely and I'm going out for a drink with him.

-When? -Tonight.

-I'm a bit nervous about this date. -Racist.

-Did you get my plate? -No.

Would you rather die of the cold or die of the heat?

Would you rather be trapped in a freezer or trapped in a microwave?

How would you ever get trapped in a microwave?

You going up the station? Back into town?

-No. -Where you going then?

-We're going in here. -Really?

We're going to visit his mum's grave. Taking her some flowers and stuff.

-You haven't got any flowers. -I've taken her some flowers.

Collecting the dead flowers. From all the other visits...

What a coincidence. She's buried in the graveyard near the studio we work at.

-Andy. That's why we're going. -We'll see you later.

-Do you mind if I come with you? -Why would I? Come on.

Don't wait around. I'll be about half an hour and I get quite emotional.

That's not a problem mate. I spend a lot of time by graves.

You take your time, enjoy. Which one is it anyway?

-Which one? -That one.

Yeah. There she is.

-Rebecca Leibovitch? -Mum.

-I didn't know you were Jewish. -Didn't you? Oy. Yeah. Oish.

Good God, died in 1953. How old does that make you then?

-At least fifty two. Fifty two. -You're fifty two?

-You don't look it one bit. -No, thanks.

It's hard to believe I was passing my dead mother's grave who is Jewish.

She was born in 1893, so she died when she was sixty.

In childbirth. They warned her she cannot have a kid at her age,

but old Ma Leibovitch didn't listen.

So here I am. Fifty two and Jewish.

-Why did you change your surname? -Fed up with persecution, usual story.

Enough is enough, proud race and religion.

-Is your dad round here too? -No.

-He's still alive. -Really?

-Apparently. -How old is he then?

-Hundred? -He's doing well though...

Do you like taking the mickey out of me, this is fun for you, is it?

That is not your mother's grave. And I don't think you're Jewish.

-No, she pointed to that... -Why do you keep lying to me?

We were going to go for a nice meal. Then you went back on that.

-Do you think I haven't got feelings? -I know you've got feelings.

That's why I would avoid the issue. I don't want to go for a meal with...

You won't got for a meal because you hate me!

-I don't hate you. -You can't bear to sit opposite me...

And have a little nibble on a bit of food in my company...

-I know I'm not the joker of the pack. -That's nothing to do with it.

But I'm reliable, if I say I'll be somewhere, I'm there.

I know and I'll happily have a meal with you.

-You're saying that now because... -No. I'd like to have a meal with you.

-When then? -Any time.

-Tonight? -Not tonight.

-See what I mean? -Okay, tonight.

Let's have a meal tonight! I'm looking forward to it.

Come on!

Louise thirteen, Karen ten.

Haven't seen either of them in three months.

Word of advice: never get married!

If you do, don't let your wife go to the greengrocers on her own.

She was going out three four times a week getting fresh fruit and veg.

I said to her: "why don't we do one big shop?"

No, she wasn't having that, she was always down there.

I got suspicious, my wife's going out at 8 at night buying cauliflower.

What we having?

-Shall I order champagne? -It's not appropriate.

We'll have a lager each, and go home and watch telly in our separate homes.

-What are you going to have? -I don't know.

We just can't decide. We're a tragic couple.

We're not a couple. His wife left him. I'm out shagging regular as clockwork.

There's this medallion on the wall, being brought on to set

and whose got to right it? Me, okay?

I big up my chest and I say: "I'm going to ride this horse."

I have to go to the toilet.

-What you got there? -Nothing.

-You've got something, what is it? -No, it's fine.

Let me see. What have you got?

-It's just a golly wog... toy. -A what?

A golly toy, don't worry about that.

I have had Sam, Sinbad since I was about six or seven.

He's been in the family for years, so it's harmless.

If I was a racist I wouldn't be about to do what we were about to do.

Not that I know, but whatever you want to do I'm up for it.

-Why were you trying to hide it? -I wasn't hiding it.

I was putting it there because it puts me off.

It doesn't put me off. I was putting all the toys together.

Because all the toys are equal. "Hello, how are you."

"Hello there. How are you?"

"I'm fine, I'm not a racist. In fact, I think I fancy you."

-I'm going to shoot off. -No, really? Sorry!

It's cool. But the black thing's getting in the way.

-No, it's not. - I don't think you're a racist.

But it's on your mind and you can't get past it,

so we should just relax and rewind things a bit.

The black thing it's not an issue, really. I hardly notice it.

Maggie, it's cool. Let's do something next week!

-We'll go out Friday. Dinner, dancing? -Definitely. I love dancing.

Are you a good dancer? Not that there is any reason why you should be one.

I'm going to go, I'll speak to you tomorrow.

Thanks again for the wine and everything.

-This is delicious, try that! -No. What are you doing?

-Jesus, listen to that. -What?

That fat guy!

Listen to this. Nothing, I'm two feet away.

Now listen to him.

It's driving me mental.

You really are Mr Grumpy Boots tonight, aren't you?

Sorry. I can't go through with this. I am so fed up.

I'm 43 years old and most people my age

are out with their wives or their girlfriends.

I'm sat here having dinner with another middle aged man

because I felt sorry for you and don't take this the wrong way,

I looked at you and I thought "what a pathetic loser".

I took pity on you, that's why I came. I'm worse off than you in many ways.

I'm lower on the chain than you. How do you think that makes me feel?

And I'm not having a go at you because I know you're a nice bloke,

but I've got to go, mate, because I'm actually depressed.

Wait, I understand what you're saying.

I got you this as a surprise.

-I was going to give it to you later... -What is it?

That is two tickets for the Ben Elton musical "We Will Rock You"...

What are you doing?

See you later.

Cheers!

I've really had it with this. I am so fed up.

-It'll be alright. -People always say that.

What will be alright? When will it be?

-I'm 43. I've got nothing. -Things are looking up.

You've got a line with Samuel L. Jackson! It's a start.

-Please, don't be like this. -It's just after last night.

-How was your evening, any better? -Word of advice.

If you get the most amazing gorgeous black guy back at your house,

don't leave your gollywog lying around.

Remarkable advice!

-Then he caught me trying to hide it. -Why did you try and hide it?

I didn't want to offend him and he was right the black thing was on my mind.

I didn't know whether to talk or to not talk about black things.

I ended up talking about what I thought he wanted to hear.

Don't pander to him just because he's black.

If he says "I like reggae" and you don't, then say you don't.

It's not being racist, it's having an opinion.

I'll go and have a wee word with him now.

-Can I have a quick word? -Of course.

-I wanna say I hate reggae. -Sorry?

I hate reggae. It's slow, everything sounds the same, it's boring.

-What do you think? -I don't particularly like reggae.

Even if you did like it, I would still hate it. What music do you like?

-I like jazz. -I hate jazz.

Do you know who I really hate in jazz? That big fat black man,

with the big fat puffed out cheeks and his bulging out eyes.

He's like trumpet man. Sass... Sassquatch.

-Sachmo. Louis Armstrong. -Hi!

-Do you hate all jazz? -Yeah. That's just my opinion.

It's not based on anything else other than the music,

because I hate anybody doing it, like black or white.

Sorry we were having a conversation about music and she doesn't hate jazz.

I do, but I like lots of other things, white or black.

-I like you. I think you're great. -Thank you.

I don't watch films more than once, but the "Matrix" I loved it.

-It was a good film. -A good film, that's all she's saying.

-And you were brilliant in it. -I wasn't in that one.

-Yeah, you were. -You should know.

-You were the main character. -I was not in the Matrix.

But Laurence Fishburne was, maybe that's why you're confused.

She doesn't think you all look alike.

If that's what you were thinking.

She's not a racist. No way!

She's been trying to get a black guy to shag her for a few weeks...

That one...

It's open to all, not all, but you definitely.

You're married, but if you wanted to, you could be like a rat up a drainpipe.

Yeah, okay.

"Pulp Fiction".

-Are we ready for the next shot? -Are we ready yet?

What are they doing? Keeping you waiting.

-We're off. -You've got the line with Mr. Jackson.

That's the point. I haven't got a line with Samuel L. Jackson,

because the line rat up a drain pipe.

Cheers everyone, thanks. That's my hat there.

-That one? -Yeah, that's it.

Another good day being friends with you!

Subtitling GRETE MÜLLER