Original subtitles

-Horatio ! -Emma! What are you doing here?

I couldn't bear to let you go without saying goodbye.

You shouldn't have come, Emma. People will talk.

I'm tired of hiding our love away. I'm not ashamed of how I feel.

Neither am I. But we both know we shouldn't be together.

-Who says we shouldn't? -My conscience.

My conscience tells me everything I feel for you is wrong.

But my heart says I can't live without you.

-Promise me you'll return. -I promise.

Because if Napoleon doesn't kill me, then being away from you surely will.

Cut! Brilliant, thank you!

-Could you see me? -Definitely.

Excellent, we'll cut that before that fat little extra gets his face in?

EXTRAS Episode 2

Who are we using for the girl by the carriage?

We thought this one.

No. I said I needed some decent tits and they're rubbish.

I could pad them up a bit. Or just sort of like push them.

-You could use these. -Bingo!

We'll bingo these in half an hour after I've had a wee fiddle with them.

Work on them over lunch, yeah?

Because at the moment they're just... nothing.

-Would it be easier just to use these? -No. We made a decision to use mine.

-If I just squeeze them up... -It would be less work.

You've got padding in the bottom of them. Can I have some?

And that cow's like sticking her tits in his face.

And I said, he wanted to use my tits. Can we just go with my tits?

-Meryl Streep went through this... -I know it's not important, but...

It is! Laurence Oliver had a rant in "Richard the Third".

They wanted to use stunt testicles and he said:

"These gonads are going to be seen because they went to RADA,

you either use the Lord Olivier plums or nothing at all."

What do you recommend, my good man?

-Chicken's the warmest. -Is it? I'll have that then.

Your heart's not in this, is it? Although one of your pubes is, I see.

-Straight in there, no messing. -It's not a pube, it's a dog hair.

It's alright, it's not a pube, it's a dog hair, everyone!

If you do get a hair in there, he gets it out with his big sausage fingers.

-I don't know why I do this. -What?

All this. "We'll cut before the fat bloke gets his face in shot".

-It's absolutely demeaning. -Because you're an actor.

This isn't acting, getting the back of your head or your arm in a shot.

And bloody Ross Kemp he gets all the lines.

Why is he the star and not me? But for the grace of god go I and it's...

-It's not like... -It is.

-No. It's not just luck. -Why not? We're about the same age

-He's younger than you. -We're about the same age.

Is he? He looks a lot younger than you.

You're having a laugh. He hasn't got any hair.

He's meant to look like that, he's shaved it all off.

-It's cool, like Vin Diesel. -Are we looking at the same bloke?

Have another look! He looks more like Zippy from Rainbow.

"Hello, Bungle, why are you doing the Queen Vic, Bungle?"

"Phil, why did you sleep with my wife?"

Vin Diesel hasn't got the round little head. It opens and shuts like Pac Man.

-He's got less chins than you as well. -One chin each.

-But yours is growing another one. -Shut up.

In five years he's still going to look pretty rugged.

-You're going to look like a pelican. -A pelican? Good, nice one.

-What you looking at? -Nothing.

-Obviously him. Husband material? -Could be.

What are you basing it on this time?

He looks dashing and handsome in his green. Why do men not dress like that?

Because they'd get beaten up on the tube.

-Alright? -Alright, Greg.

Indeed I am. Actually working across the way, Studio H the big one.

Doing a film with Mr Vinnie Jones. I'm learning a few lines...

-Lines? -Yes indeed.

Well done.

So what's your part in this epic? Are you fourth seaman from the left?

Hardly.

Or something a bit more substantial?

-You got a speaking part o... No? -No.

-Seriously, how do you survive? -Don't worry about it, really.

-Digging into the savings? -Not really.

The pile diminishes does it? Gotta get some work soon!

Working all the time, mate. Don't worry about it.

Are your parents still sending you money?

Yeah, either that or I threaten to sign on.

And low the cheque doth cometh in the post. It keeps the wolf from the door.

How is the door of the house your parents bought you?

It's fine. I've got lines to learn.

Thanks for coming over and sharing that with me.

-Something will crop up, mate. -Don't worry about it, mate!

Stiff upper lip. And other clichés too numerous to mention.

-Don't mention them then. -I've got to go. See you later!

Tosser! Not you.

Excuse me, do you mind if I go in front of you please?

-What? -Can I go before you?

-Why? -I've got a bit of a stomach upset.

I think she wants to go in front of you, she's got diarrhoea.

Don't want it exploding everywhere. Messy.

Thank you.

Saw you looking. Thought I'd better get it out of the way. Yeah, it is me.

-Hi, I'm Andy. -How you doing?

Sorry, did that hurt? Good. I was worried I might have hurt you.

Don't know my own strength. If I had meant to hurt you,

you wouldn't have any ribs left, so you got off lightly.

-Let's leave it there. -Okay.

I love playing military parts. As you know, I was in the SAS.

No, I didn't, I knew you did that TV show about the SAS.

Yeah, but how did I know how to do all that shit in it?

-I assumed you had consultants... -If that's what you believe....

Alright, I wasn't in the SAS for six months and they didn't say:

"give up this acting lark, we could really do with you in Afghanistan."

-Did they? -Couldn't say.

If I ever do get into a fight, I'd better have an escape route

because I don't want to go to prison for murder.

Because my body is a lethal weapon. And me in prison, face like this...

Pretty boy. I'd be in the shower just lathering up,

a couple of guys would come in wanting a bit a Kemp arse.

I'd see them in the mirror and then...

What I'm saying is, you'd best not get into a fight with me.

Sure.

Or a conversation.

What do you do when you're not doing this?

-What's your day job? -I work in a pub.

-What about you? -I do this full time, I'm an actor.

-You do this full time? -Like most actors, I act full time.

But this isn't really acting, is it? I mean this is extra work.

But this is just pocket money, I am actually an actor.

I was going to say because you can't make a living from being an extra.

No, but he used to have a proper job. He owns his own house,

doesn't have to pay a mortgage, so he can afford to live on a pittance.

I don't live on a pittance though. People pay me to act so...

You say you're an actor. But what have you actually acted in?

I mean proper acting, not walking in the background, actually speaking?

-I know. -Well?

-What you want me to... ? -Yeah.

"My Family", the Robert Lindsay sitcom.

It was just a scene on the bus and the bus conductor come along

and "tickets please" and I just went: "sure, no problem".

Did you? That was the line?

Yeah, he goes "tickets please" and I go "no problem, mate, there you go".

So if I watched that episode, I'd see you say: "Sure, no problem".

-Well yeah... -I didn't... What's the line?

What's the problem? The conductor wants the ticket, I'm showing him it.

-And what do you say? -He asks for my ticket. I go...

I can't hear what you're saying. Let's do it like it is on the screen.

I'll be the bus driver and you just be you.

Can I see your tickets please?

No one can hear anything...

-It was years ago. -But that's not proper acting.

What is it then?

I can tell you what I've acted in to show you what I mean if you want.

I've acted in proper speaking parts in "Emmerdale", "Silent Witness".

-"Silent Witness"? -I was a narc in "The Bill".

It was a recurring character, that was 3 episodes and good lines of dialogue.

-You haven't been in the "The Bill"? -I don't want to be.

-You haven't been in "The Bill"? -I don't want to be!

-Have you ever been in "Casualty"? -Yes.

-The TV show "Casualty"? -No, but...

This is the deal. You've been my agent now for what five years?

You're not getting me any real acting work.

-Nothing's coming in. -In five years?

That's the problem. I'm as annoyed as you are.

I'm not sure there's a demand for little 45 year old blokes.

-43. -Whatever.

Are you sure you wanna be an actor? You've given it five years.

Nothing's come in. Maybe it's time to just throw in the towel.

-My agent, ladies and gentlemen! -No, look...

-Hello, mate! -Sorry to interrupt.

-Do you know Barry? -How's it going, Shaun?

I'm working with a friend of yours, Ross Kemp.

-How is he, alright? -Yeah.

I wouldn't mention Ross's name. Ross is sort of mud with Barry

because he persuaded Barry to leave "EastEnders".

Ross goes to ITV, asking a million pounds or nothing.

They give him the million. I go to ITV with Barry and ask the same.

They chose nothing.

They went with the nothing option that time.

You were depressed. Couldn't get out of bed for two weeks.

Now I know I shouldn't have given them the nothing option.

I should have said, we want a million or we want 500.

That way we would have definitely got something.

-Five hundred pounds? -Exactly. But live and learn!

-This isn't living... -Don't start again.

-I've got loads of stuff for you. -Like what?

There's a light flickering in the gents upstairs. Could you have a tinker?

Could I use your computer later? I've just to get the old new CV knocked up

-Yeah, knock yourself out. -See you.

I want to know what your plan of action is. What's your strategy?

When you get some work done I can start making some money,

because what I'm not good at is you know breaking an act.

When I'm successful, you can deduct 12,5%.

15 for adverts. That's what I'm hanging on.

You're waiting for someone to give me an advert.

-Make sure the phone's on the hook. -You joke about it.

It was unplugged for two days, no one noticed.

The man does not know where to start.

This is my CV that he's sending out to casting agents, producers...

He typed it himself.

"From 1986 to 1999, Andy Millman worked at the Natwest in Wokingham."

"Andy left this comfortable adequately paid job

to try and become an actor despite his age weight and looks."

"Andy claims to be a great actor, but has not yet had the chance to prove it

because so far he's had no offers

except extra work which is pointless and badly paid."

Acting is Andy's dream, if you can make it come true, please call."

It's like he's writing to "Jim'll Fix It".

-You have to fire him. -I can't. He'd be devastated.

-Yes, but it's your career. -I know.

What are you going to do? You'll have to find all your own work.

Having a dog and barking yourself, springs to mind.

Start now. Go up to the director and ask him for a line.

You've spoken to Ross Kemp, haven't you?

Go up to Ross Kemp and ask him for a line.

Say to him, "I thought you were brilliant in "EastEnders",

"Ultimate Force", "Spandau Ballet"...

-What? -"Spandau Ballet".

He wasn't in "Spandau Ballet". That was Martin Kemp.

He was in "EastEnders" and "Spandau Ballet".

-Who's this one? -Ross Kemp.

-Are they not brothers? -No.

Martin Kemp and Gary Kemp are the brothers.

-Whose this one? -Ross Kemp.

-Whose his brother? -I don't know if he's got one.

He does, he's got the little bald one with a pink face that looks like him.

Phil Mitchell? His on screen brother.

Phil and Grant Mitchell, are not really brothers.

They're the Mitchell brothers!

What do you mean the Mitchell brothers? His name is Ross Kemp.

-What bit's confusing you? -The brothers.

The brothers?

Is that confusing you too? Do you think we've landed in the future?

Shut your face.

This is why I can never go and speak to that guy. I'm not smart enough.

-He's an intellectual. -How do you know he's intellectual?

-You've never even spoken to him. -He reads the big papers.

-The big papers, sure. -It's always the same

If a bloke is smart, I worry that I'm not clever enough for him.

He's going to want to talk about politics. I won't know what to say.

Like one time I went out with this bloke

and we were in the pub playing the quiz machine and a question came up:

"who discovered America?". I just panicked and I said Columbo.

See you're laughing because I'm stupid.

It's an easy mistake to make, they sound the same.

-That's what I thought. -You should go and talk to him.

I don't know why you're so shy. Just go and talk to him.

-The FT. -Hi.

-NASDAQ, you twat, what are you like? -You play the markets, do you?

-Yeah. -How's it going? Any tips?

Buy high, buy low. Buy low, sell high.

What you reading?

Frank Kermode's book on Shakespeare. It's for my new PhD.

Shakespeare? Bloody genius! "Midsummer Night's Dream", "Bottom"...

-How is your diarrhoea? -Fine, it's good.

-I'm going to get a coffee I think. -I've got to go call my broker anyway.

I was going to ask if you wanted to get one.

Definitely. He's not there anyway he's away on holiday.

Hi you!

They're making a film over there with Vinnie Jones.

What's he doing making a film? He's a bloody footballer.

-Look at the size of those lights. -You reckon they're big lights?

If I wanted big lights, I could have big lights.

But I want small lights if anything.

I know an old colleague of yours actually, Shaun Williamson?

-Shaun? -Barry off "EastEnders".

We've got the same agent because I'm a real actor,

so if there was a line going in this, it would be great for me.

I hope you're better than him. He's a bloody footballer.

He's good at what he does, the old hard man thing.

-He actually is in real life... -You think he's a tough guy?

I'd like to see him come at me with all that "I'm a hard bastard stuff".

I'd say: "put the baseball bat down it's just you and me, skin on skin."

Stripped to the waist to the death.

I'm trained. He starts with me I will destroy him.

As I say, if you could put a word in I could just do a line.

I'll sort that out for you, no problem.

Really?

Cheers. I'll see you later.

If there's a hag, a washer woman, toothless wench to be had, it'll be me.

I'm never the one that gets to wear the taffeta dress, it's not fair.

-They've padded you up. -That's actually me.

I hope it doesn't seem pushy, but would you like to go for a meal?

-Yeah, I'm starving. -Not right now, I thought a bit later.

-Absolutely, I'd love to. -Good.

What you doing here? Still scavenging the bins for food?

No, no need. Bloody waiting on a scene I've got to do with Ross Kemp.

He asked me personally, so good though.

Well done. Shame it's only telly but you know

Not really.

Keep at it, you might make it into the films.

But I wouldn't do a film with Vinnie Jones. He's a footballer...

But he's still been in films with John Travolta and Nicholas Cage.

What did he get paid for that by the way,

because I was talking to Ross, he got a million pounds to go to ITV.

-Yeah, pretend to be a hard man. -Not really.

Unlike Vinnie. Real life hard man.

On a serious note, Ross explained to me, Ross was trained by the SAS...

He said if Vinnie tried his antics on with him, he'd rip him apart.

-You might want to warn him that. -He said that?

I'm not stirring shit, just warning, I don't want to see him get hurt.

-I've got to go, I'll see you later. -See you later, mate.

-You've done so much. -Not really.

-I'm probably a bit older than you. -How old are you?

Thirty four.

I'm actually older than you, but thank you very much.

You don't look it, I thought you were in your twenties.

I'm not.

-Anything you fancy? -Possibly.

-I meant on the menu. -I know.

-What have you been saying? -About what?

Why am I hearing that Vinnie Jones wants to batter me?

I haven't said anything.

Than how does he know? Who have you been speaking to?

No one. You're not scared of him are you?

-No. Not with what I could do to him. -With your SAS stuff and that.

-Do you know what that stands for? -SAS? Special Air Service.

-What? -Special Air Service, isn't it?

-It doesn't stand for that. -Doesn't it?

I've talked to actual SAS people, they've told me what it stands for.

-What does it stand for then? -Super Army Soldiers.

-Are you sure? -Yeah.

Actual SAS people have told me that. The actual guys should know.

-They weren't winding you up? -No, I'm one of their own.

I thought it was Special Air Services.

That sounds like Fed Ex. Registered delivery or whatever.

A postman needs arms like these? Did I get these muscles lifting jiffy bags?

Definitely not.

If Vinnie Jones comes near me looking for a fight, I will unleash hell.

-That was fun. -Absolutely.

-Want to come in for a cup of tea? -I'd love to.

Just go through.

Come on, love, you're like a dead horse. Put a bit of minge round it!

-I head butted a horse once. -He must have really annoyed you.

-Kemp. -Alright, Vinnie, how's it going?

Never mind the "alright, Vinnie, how's it going' bollocks".

-What you been saying? -What you talking about?

I've been hearing some shit about you think you're harder than me.

Some extra I've been doing a scene with said he heard it over here.

You been trying to impress the extras by telling them you're harder than me?

-I haven't said anything. -You think you're hard, don't you?

-Are you hard? -No.

No, you're not. And if I hear you slag me off anymore,

I'll come over here and I'll show you what really hard is.

-Do you know what really hard is? -Beating me up and that.

-Do you know what really hard is? -Beating up. Kick in the bollocks.

-No need to be specific. -This is the final warning.

Come on.

-What? -Nothing.

-Why didn't you use your SAS stuff? -Because I don't know any.

You don't know kung fu and all the lethal moves?

-No. -Why did you say you did?

Why did I say I can hold my breath under water for 3,5 minutes, I can't.

I panic in water if anything.

I can't get you a line either, if that's why you're still here.

I haven't got any power round here.

I've told people I've got a line and everything.

Sorry.

Don't worry about it.

-Every job I do I get bullied. -Bullied?

People calling me names and that.

If it doesn't stop soon, I think I'm just going to finish it, end it all.

-Do what I thought I'd never do. -Suicide?

No, go to "Family Affairs". I've had an offer.

There's no bullying there, they're really nice people.

-All I want to do is act. -And you're good.

-Am I? -Yeah, course you are.

Put your hat on.

Look at that, looks brilliant. Hair and everything.

Look at all these. That's shiny, isn't it?

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