Original subtitles

We are back, baby.

Y'all got snacks and couches?

♪ It's Monday night ♪

♪ Can I get an amen? ♪

♪ Then seven days later, it's Monday again ♪

♪ Hey, the rest of the week ♪

♪ Let me make myself clear ♪

♪ I'd light my mom on fire ♪

♪ To make it Monday all year ♪

Tell us what your favorite night is, girl.

♪ Monday night in the US of A ♪

What the hell is going on?

Are you using my crew to shoot a music video?

Yes.

It's my new theme song for "Sunday Night Football."

Do you think they'll like it? - I mean, no, I don't.

Mostly because you kept saying Monday.

You did.

I didn't want to say anything, but you kind of did.

Yeah, maybe you just got confused

'cause tonight is Monday.

- Oh, snap. My bad.

Good note. Everybody, back to one.

You just gonna stand there or what?

- D, who you talking to? I heard a boy.

No, Dad, I'm talking to Olivia...

- Drama! No.

Drama.

Carmelo Dinkins is secretly dating Delilah Basmati.

The Basmatis and Dinkinses

are football's Montagues and Capulets...

Autobots and Decepticons for modern audiences.

And when Reggie and Monica realize

that their Romeo, or Bumblebee,

is dating Jerry and Tisha's Juliet...

Starscream...

Look, Reggie has always been able to count on his family,

through injuries, scandal, and even

the ill-advised Kwanzaa album.

♪ On the Ujamaa day of Kwanzaa ♪

♪ My people gave to me ♪

♪ Cooperative economics ♪

♪ Bop, bop, do-bop, de-bop ♪

And now his only son has been taken into the bosom

of his greatest rival.

I mean, talk about drama!

Bella, did the "ManningCast" ever get back to us?

Oh, their assistant said they passed, so I sent flowers.

Ugh, all my friends are dying.

Of course, Reggie getting a few votes for the Hall

didn't suddenly make everything go back

to the way it was before his scandal.

We didn't know how good we had it

during the Bush presidency.

But some things have changed.

Reggie's episode of "SNL" is finally up on Peacock.

I'm also 50, Sally O'Malley.

And I feel like Jet fans have started

to chill out a little.

Hey, Dinkins.

I'm increasingly ambivalent about you.

The tricky thing is capitalizing on all that,

but I can't keep up with what's even a thing anymore.

Yeah, Monica thought she booked me

on Pablo Torre's sports podcast.

But it turned out to be Julio Torres's...

something.

What do you think about the color clear?

A lot.

It was fun, but it didn't get me

any closer to the Hall of Fame.

Back in the day, we had a whole outside

PR marketing firm.

Now, I don't even have an assistant anymore.

Late last night, Bella went to a farm upstate.

Oh, why did I say it like that?

No, she really did.

Her son lives in Bovina.

She wanted to be closer to her grandkids.

She's fine.

We need help.

I tried googling "How to get famous

without having to be Steve Harvey."

No one says google anymore, Reg.

Now you say "search it up."

- Is that true? - I don't believe you.

Knock, knock, Mr. Tobin.

I made your favorite... warm beans,

scalding hot tomatoes, two hard eggs,

blood meat, and some wet mushrooms.

- A proper English breakfast. Yums.

Mm, but I know that you know

that I know about you and your young lady.

And you should also know that I cannot be bribed.

- OK. Well then, how about blackmail?

I grew up with sisters, and I never learned the other way.

And I was trying to tell you that I can't be bribed

because I'm not gonna say anything.

Why?

'Cause I don't have to.

It's gonna come out eventually.

I mean, what happens when you want to take her to prom?

Or graduation? I know how this ends.

I, too, knew forbidden love when I was your age.

She was the groundskeeper

at the boarding school that I went to.

And when the headmaster found our letters...

- Physical letters? Like, with stickers on them?

Stamps, yeah.

I'm just saying, your families will find out sooner or later.

And you and Delilah have to be prepared

for the kind of intense, emotional scenes

that would be very compelling in a trailer.

So I'm meeting with assistants,

and I'm a little overwhelmed.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised given the job market,

but I've got computer science majors,

out of work food safety inspectors,

a bunch of Spirit Airline pilots,

"CBS News" producers, vaccinated country singers.

But, hey, if I can't afford a whole marketing department,

maybe a with-it young assistant... nope.

Can't legally say "young."

An assistant that's only ever started a car like this.

I'm pushing a button. Is that clear?

OK, now my other hand is on the steering wheel.

Does that read better?

Maybe one of them can help me take this agency

into the 21st century, which is already

more than a quarter over. Holy...

Is this right?

You have a master's in marketing?

Yeah, I wrote my thesis on those Capital One commercials

where Jennifer Garner is friends with Spike Lee

and Charles Barkley.

I read they live together.

It's a polycule.

Look, I know I'm overqualified,

but I am literally just looking for any opportunity

to show what I can do.

OK.

Then tell me what I'm doing wrong with Reggie Dinkins.

I have cold-called every sports show,

podcast, and celebrity cruise.

I've even reached out to the Ad Council.

Back in the '90s, Reggie's first

national TV spots were PSAs.

- Y2K is coming! Bury your money in the woods!

First of all, you need to stop trying to engage

with the gatekeepers.

They don't matter anymore. DM talent directly.

They are on their phones

way more than they're on their email.

That's how I got Doechii to yarf

into a Tux Clutch Mini on "Hot Ones."

You're hired.

Ugh, hang up your stuff, Carmelo.

Ooh.

I don't recognize this curl pattern.

I'm 2C,

Monica has braids, and Rusty is 3B.

Oh.

Come here, Carmelo.

Hang on, hang on.

Quick talking head?

I think Carmelo may have hisself a little yeah, yeah.

A secret girlfriend.

Oh, wow, right.

The family's Spotify is, like, all Kehlani now.

Air Supply. - Oh, thank you.

And based on the laundry,

Carmelo started washing his ass.

And so nobody in the family knows who this girl is?

If I don't know, you know they don't.

But I'm not gonna pry because I'm a cool stepmom,

like Sheryl Lee Ralph in "Moesha."

Allison Janney in "Juno." - Mm.

- Mm-hmm. - Yeah, of course.

And, I mean, what would be the point?

You probably wouldn't be able to figure it out anyway.

Please, I could find a high school girl.

Let's take a look at Carmelo's Venmo.

OK, who you paying back for pizza with a heart?

Click on her profile.

Aww, she's cute.

3C, just like I said.

Reverse image search to find her Insta.

Hold on.

Why is she in so many pictures with...

- Oh, no. What do you see?

Is that...

Jesus, Joseph, and the goddamn donkey.

She's a Basmati?

Ooh, I hope that boy get home safe from school

so I can kill him!

Ugh. - Drama.

It's been a week since the Hall of Fame vote.

And according to our new head of publicity,

that's like a lifetime these days.

It always has been for a lunar moth.

But we haven't done anything to capitalize on this momentum.

Um, exsqueeze you.

I mean, I handle Reggie's socials,

and four days ago, we posted this.

We outside.

That's a thing from COVID, and you're clearly inside.

But what about the documentary?

And when are people gonna see that?

Like, a year from now?

Yeah, if you want to rush it and end up with

a "Jumbo the Elephant Dreams of Trees" on your hands.

- A what? - Yeah, exactly.

Reggie, we've got to get your face out there now.

Like, today. High-key.

I mean, people do like my face

because I have a extra layer of skin.

Ooh.

Are you OK?

I talked to Mr. Tobin...

Oh, did you show him that video you took of him

trying to get a key onto a key ring?

- Oh, come on. Please.

Please.

No, I didn't even have to get that far.

He said he won't tell anyone.

So what's the problem, Carmy Bear?

I told you, he films everything.

You ever watch that movie "Eagle Eye" with Shia Labeouf?

I'm a teenage girl in 2026.

I've seen the action thriller "Eagle Eye"

starring Michelle Monaghan and Billy Bob Thornton.

Well, he is Eagle Eye.

That's just... what is our plan here?

I mean, our parents are gonna find out at some point.

We'll be more careful from now on.

I was thinking for prom, I'll take my friend Brandon,

and you take your friend Alice.

And then at the dance, we switch.

Because they both have face blindness.

Oh, my God, you're like a...

like a genius.

Hey.

Why aren't you two answering your phones?

'Cause we're doing what you asked, Monica.

We're making content.

I'm doing an unboxing video.

It's air conditioning filters, fam.

Max, tell Reggie the good news.

- Christ has risen? Girl, he been back.

No.

Mike Tirico agreed to interview you

for his "Sunday Night Football" pre-pregame show.

It tapes tomorrow.

That's amazing.

Who needs gatekeepers, am I right?

I can't celebrate by doing the worm anymore,

so vertical worm!

- Go, Rusty! Go, Rusty! - If I could turn my head,

it would be like you are on the ground.

I'm sorry.

DM'ing Mike Tirico was the easy part.

Now we have to make this a thing

that anybody would care about.

Celebrity interviews, they're boring.

Unless they're controversial.

- Kanye. Got it. - Or have an animal.

- Moo Deng. Icon.

Or sex.

So any interview Seth Meyers does.

Or heartwarming.

Controversial, animal, sex, heartwarming.

C-A-S-H. - Cash.

And if we hit more than one of those things...

Ooh, like Moo Deng in a bikini?

You're not just doing an interview.

You're trending. - OK.

I could do controversial.

They had to edit me out of Hugh Hefner's roast.

And we have an animal we can use,

Rusty's ferret, Slinky.

I think the people know about Slinky by now, Monica.

I talk about her all the time.

Ferrets love to play and explore.

How much do you think Slinky is gonna be in the documentary?

A lot, probably?

OK, what's her name?

I know you're seeing someone.

Carmelo, you little Lil' Romeo.

I want to meet this girl. What's her Insta?

She doesn't have one.

No... hands.

- Liar! Do you have a death wish?

No, I... I didn't even know who she was when we met.

I guess we both got cones, huh?

I guess you do too.

Whatever.

I forbid you from dating Delilah Basmati.

No, I mean, it's not even that serious.

We only hung out, like, a couple of times.

A couple of times this week, maybe.

They see each other every day after school.

- You've been filming us? - You knew?

Jail!

No, space jail. - What's the difference?

Space jail moves at the speed of light,

so time goes slower.

When your sentence is done, centuries have passed on Earth.

Everything you knew and everyone you loved is gone.

No.

Oh, and I have not forgot about you.

Brina!

Don't "Brina" me.

I'm eight years older than you.

I was reading chapter books when you were still in diapers.

What were you thinking?

Things are finally going good for this family.

I know.

I just really like Delilah.

Then end it, for her sake.

If your parents find out, they will kill you.

And they are the nice ones. - Wait.

You can't date a Basmati. They're evil.

Jerry and Tisha Basmati catfished me.

And then I ran into Salma Hayek for real and kissed her,

and there was zero chemistry.

- Wait, how do you know about... - AC vent above the laundry

connects to the one in your room.

Wait, is that why sometimes you're crying late at night?

- No. No, it's not.

No, but now all three of you are keeping

a secret from Reggie.

As am I.

Perhaps we should rip the Band-Aid off

and tell Reggie right now.

- I will kick you so hard... - Guantanamo space jail!

No, no, no, I'll do it.

I'll end it.

Just promise me you guys won't tell my mom or my dad.

OK, I won't.

And if you do hear crying,

it's probably just the wind

watching videos of old dogs eating birthday cakes.

Reggie Dinkins,

welcome back to "Sunday Night Football."

It's been a minute.

Yes.

Thank you, football.

Right before he went on, I handed Slinky to Reggie.

But then I'm watching backstage and I'm like,

where the hell is Slinky?

Ferrets love to play and explore, Monica.

So she went in my shirt and she explored everywhere.

You're finally in the conversation

for the Hall of Fame.

How does that feel?

Slinky, stop.

Ah! Ah!

- Are you OK? - No! No!

No, Slinky, stop! Bad Slinky!

Oh, don't go in there, Slinky.

Oh!

I have to go now. Oh, oh.

Oh!

Well, that was unusable.

Now, we have five minutes to fill,

but I promise it will be magic.

Ooh.

Do you really think they'd tell?

The last time I saw Brina this mad

was when Rihanna said she had news to drop,

and it ended up being another stupid pregnancy.

I thought we had more time.

But I think Gator overheard us on the phone the other day.

Who?

Gator is my dad's friend who lives in our pool house.

He's like your Rusty,

except his RealDoll eats dinner with us.

I wrote a goodbye song for you.

Can you give me a beat?

Of course I can, Carmy Bear.

♪ On the edge of life ♪

♪ Only you and me know what love is ♪

You're so dang talented.

♪ I'm gonna miss you, baby girl ♪

Boy, I wish I had a stepmom like you

growing up instead of Shawna.

All she cared about was my dad's body.

Sometimes you gotta be a Maleficent.

I love love, but I also love peace, OK?

And you, acting all,

"One doesn't know who the girl is.

You simply must find out."

- "Who's your girl? What's her bloody identity?"

All right, mate.

I might have stirred the pot a little bit,

but Carmelo and Delilah put the beans

into that pot, all right?

This is their chili. - Yeah.

We should make chili.

And I could have told Monica and Reggie, right,

and made a big dramatic scene out of it, but I didn't.

True.

Good looking out.

So do we want three bowls of chili

or just one big bowl, three spoons?

- Damn ferret. - I'm not mad at Slinky.

I'm just disappointed.

Ooh, I almost sat on the cake.

Debra's party could have been ruined.

God in heaven!

What are you guys doing here?

I was on my way home when I realized I left my charger,

and I only used the old kind... no.

What in the hell are you doing here?

I'm trying to pay my rent.

I only took this bum-ass minimum wage job

so I'd have someplace to shoot my office party

cake sitting vids for OnlyFans.

It's called sploshing, young man.

Wow.

You are so fired.

No, you know what?

You don't get to judge me, OK?

I live with eight roommates in Bushwick,

'cause that's all I can afford.

And now you're ruining my side hustle.

Maybe if you all sit on the cake?

Look, man, I don't care what you do to Monica's office,

but the whole CASH thing blew up in my face,

among other places.

Oh, you mean I don't have a secret cheat code

for internet fame?

Uh, doy! Nobody does.

Did you also lie about your résumé?

- No. And that's the problem.

I am in so much debt

for an education that is useless now.

I was the one who was lied to, Monica.

My whole generation was, thanks to you boomers.

- Hey, not cool. - We are Gen X.

At least you guys knew maybe one day you could buy a home

or, I don't know, afford kids

or maybe even stop buying coffee on Klarna.

The world is on fire!

The ticks, they're winning!

And my sister's school just shut down because of measles.

Yeah, measles are back!

Thank you for that!

- Hey, Reggie. Bad day?

You know, I used to think that Sisyphus guy

in Latin class had it all figured out.

He's got a job, getting his steps in.

But getting really close to your goals

and then having to start over is actually really frustrating.

I know how that feels.

Yeah, you do.

I mean, talk about having to start over.

You blew up your career so bad,

my movie was the only job you could get.

Hey, not the only job.

I also directed some

sexual harassment training videos before this.

Hey, Karen, I want you to come to my office

and sit on a cake I bought.

Sad.

And you don't even have a family that loves you.

But, you know, Reggie, that is why,

no matter what happened today, I know for a fact

you've been through worse.

You know, if the Sisyphus guy had a dude he could talk to,

maybe the rock thing wouldn't have been so hard.

I'm glad I have you, Arthur Tobin.

We get each other, despite, you know,

what your people did.

What if Delilah was Carmelo's Sisyphus buddy?

I mean, who else could understand

what it was like to grow up the way they both did?

With those fathers.

Taught to hate another family for things that happened

before they were even born.

And they have a Rusty.

And I broke them up.

Yeah, I have to... oh, what the hell?

Oh, no.

Slinky, no. No, Slinky, not in there.

- When we come back... - OK, it's supposed to be on

during this commercial break.

With more dogs!

- Oh, this is it. It's on.

Here's a touchdown that anyone can score.

Vaccinate your kids against measles.

You'd have to have a worm in your brain not to do it.

Yay!

- Aww. - Yes.

But, Monica, that's from, like, the 1900s.

How is it on TV?

Well, I called the Ad Council with a new pitch.

I realized they were going to need to make

a bunch of new PSAs for all those old diseases,

or they could just rerun the ones they already had.

And if the measles can make a comeback,

so can Reggie Dinkins. - Yeah!

Yeah.

I said it from the start.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

And I never did.

But if Max is right,

and no one knows what they're doing,

then we know as much as anyone.

Knock, knock.

Hey, Carmelo, can we talk?

Oh.

What does a teenage boy need with stamps?

He didn't even know what a stamp was two days ago.

But then I remembered,

I had seen those stamps somewhere.

This where.

Their breakup was a ruse for the cameras.

They knew I was watching,

and they planned it all via the post.

Carmelo and Delilah didn't break up.

They just went off the grid.

Well, I have learned my lesson.

And this time, I shall play no part

in the inevitable drama.

Truly.

After all, who am I to come between a Reggie

and his beloved Arthur?

What people don't realize

is that when they kiss an envelope,

the mailman is the next person that handles that envelope.

So the kiss goes to us.

I mean, we deliver your mail, but we keep the kisses.

We keep the kisses!

- Good night, everybody. - Good night.