Original subtitles

Oh, man, I heard this is the scariest ride.

The scariest ride at Fright Nights.

I look, you might pass out. You okay?

You threatened to pass out on nearly every ride so far, Cali.

So either just do it or don't.

Just stop talking about it, please.

Hell, come.

I'll be your ghoulish guide through this creepy crypt

which houses history's most heinous homicidal haunts

and the way we go.

Hold on to your headstones.

We've arrived at our first tomb.

Lizzie Borden, dressed in red.

Swung her action, chopped off the head.

Okay, that was insane.

I'm literally going to pass out.

Pass out. Then. God.

Our tour of terror has just begun,

and the next gruesome grave is dead ahead.

What?

Hi, I█m David Pumpkins

And I'm going.

To freak you out.

You. Any questions?

Oh. Yes.

Who are you?

David Pumpkins, man

Okay.

And David Pumpkins is,

Halloween guy.

And the skeletons are.

Next to him.

Why are you on this ride?

Two words. Midterms.

Boom, boom.

It's me, Donald Trump. You're one true God.

Pausing SNL skit yet again.

Are you sad you don't get to see your third

David Pumpkin scene?

I'll save you four minutes.

He keeps popping up and confusing

the people on the right. The end.

But, you know, I actually have a lot in common with Mr.

Pumpkins.

We both appeared in 2016. We're both very loud,

very orange, and very frankly, annoying.

But we love Tom Hanks.

Look at him back there. Good acting, great ass.

He's a great ass on Hanks.

That's something I've been doing lately. Admiring men's asses.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Just that I might be gay.

They're calling it gay dementia.

Dementia is short for dementia.

Show me their butts. Wow. That's actually pretty creative.

Oh, so I've been making odd noises.

Remember that? What the hell was that?

Probably a soul trying to leave body

out there. Sound just dropped. It's probably fine.

If you were

with the Epstein stuff, you're probably fine with it.

But the midterms are on Tuesday,

and the polls say we're doing very badly.

And they're saying Texas is dirty purple, just like my hand.

And if it goes blue, then

just like my hand, I will leave it for dead.

We can't let that happen.

So you gotta vote for that off again.

Paxton. God, what an ugly son of a bitch. I hate,

I hate get Paxton.

But you gotta vote for our guys. We can't have this Tyler freak

who is, frankly, much better looking. And.

Wow, what a dynamite ass. I'm jealous.

It's like a pillowcase full of cobras back there.

Things that make you go, oh.

Look at them. They're still frozen back there.

They have to stay there the whole time.

I don't.

Of course not. Getting, Yes. Why not? You?

Hey, by the way, thank you for that donation.

That was really generous.

Oh. Yeah.

You wish. Bitch.

Like you even.

Look for Bobby Moynihan back there.

He flew in for this evening.

Thanks for shaving, Bobby.

Really, really

smells like pepper in this pizzeria.

Oh, no.

He had a great year and job still back there.

Do but wait, if he's here,

who's narrating World War Two documentary,

you know who it should be?

My new friend

and future press secretary, the late, great Nicki Minaj.

What's up, Nicki Minaj?

I'm out here killing it. And by it I mean in my career

I'm Nicki the Trumpy.

Like, I don't even know why you Democrats bother at this point.

Like, give it up. It's me. I'm not good.

But she's like me. It's hard to come by.

But thank you, Nicki.

She's got quite an ass.

If only it were on a man. Perhaps then I could admire.

So happy Halloween. And remember to vote Republican.

Because if these Democrats win and they get all that power,

they will do nothing, just like the last time.

But now it's time to say the big line and start the show.

And I'd like to give someone a chance to redeem herself.

My former press secretary, Katie Zachariah. Come on out. Great.

With confidence.

Live from New York

and from so many cities. No, no, no.

You went whiffed it. Tom don't you take this one

>> LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

SATURDAY NIGHT!

>> Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY

NIGHT LIVE" WITH --

MUSICAL GUEST GRACIE ABRAMS.

AND YOUR HOST, INDE NAVARRETTE.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN -- INDE

NAVARRETTE!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Very much. I am so excited to be here.

You probably know me from the movie obsession.

And a lot of people ask me if I'm

anything like my character, Nicky.

And I'm like, no,

no, no, don't do that.

But the thing is, is I'm nothing like my character.

An obsession.

Like my boyfriend is here tonight to support me.

We have such a chill relationship, right, honey?

Good Job,

But I loved making obsession,

and I can't believe I'm saying this,

but I'm going to be in a marvel movie.

Yeah. Yeah.

And I know it's really important

for Marvel that you get really fit.

So I've been working out a lot.

So every morning I put on my little whore

outfit and I hit the gym.

Anyway, for anyone who knows me only as Nicky.

Tonight I'm here is Inde

A lot of people ask me, Is Inde short for Indiana

But really it's long for D

And I'm so excited to be hosting tonight

because it's the Halloween episode. Yeah.

And my favorite holiday is Halloween.

And since none of, like, a cast could go out tonight,

I thought they could just show off their costumes here.

Hey, Inde. Oh! Hey, Marcello!

Oh, I love your costume. Are you, like, a TSA agent?

Close. I'm a sexy TSA agent, right?

How? Like. Just like.

Hey, girl,

take those shoes off and go stand in my big nasty machine

like this.

Oh, okay. Creative, I love it. Yeah.

You go your flight over. Yeah.

Whoa!

Yeah. I'm sorry. Who are you? I'm the bad lady.

The bad with the blood. Elizabeth Holmes.

I don't know

why people won't stop talking about it.

I'm just trying to meet them halfway. Right?

Right. Well, you could have fooled me.

Oh, Jeremy. Whoa! You're Wolverine!

That's right.

I know you were cast as rogue in the new X-Men

movie, and I randomly heard they, like.

I guess they haven't even cast Wolverine yet. Oh, I'm so sorry.

I actually, I actually can't.

Comment on that.

Well, I can, and I'd love to be in the movie with you

Get away from. Me. Yeah. Okay. Thank you.

Thank you, thank you. Great. You're a bird. Yeah.

Oh my God. It's actually a group costume. Oh, sure. Yeah.

I want to buy the bird.

Oh, no, I got it. Kelly Clarkson, sell these damn birds.

I am not for sale. Give me the bird.

I want to buy the toy birds.

Yes, yes yes, yes.

Well, now it really.

Feels like Halloween.

So let's do it. We've got a great show tonight.

Gracie Abrams is here, so stick around. We'll be right back.

All right, folks, we come to the last

stop on our ghosts of the Queen Mary tour.

This is the famous promenade deck, okay?

Which is said to be the most haunted area on the ship.

Sir, I think I see a ghost.

This creepy woman next to me is so pale. She must be dead.

Hey, you know I'm not dead, Alan.

I'm your wife.

Okey dokey.

Well,

many people claim to have seen the spirits of passengers

from the 1930s wandering this deck at night.

Let's see if we can make contact to any spirits here.

We ask that you make yourself known.

Wait, wait, I think I see something.

Young man,

my name is Judith Hollins, and I have secrets to reveal.

Her name is Judith Hollins, and she has secrets to reveal.

Judith Collins, that was a wealthy heiress

who died on the Queen Mary in the 30s.

They say she hid her priceless diamonds on.

Oh, she's saying something.

If you wish to find my hidden treasure, listen close.

First you must go. Hey.

Hi. I'm going swimming at the pool.

Okay.

I'm gonna swim and jump and do different dives.

Come swimming.

Come on, come on. My sister's coming to look hot. Yes.

We're going swimming in the pool. Yes.

Come with us. Yes. Come on.

The pool is this way. Come on. Come with us.

Come on. We're going swimming. Yes. Come on. Come on with us.

And that is where my treasure lies.

Did she tell you where her diamonds are?

Yeah, but I didn't hear her because she's super happy.

1930s blond kids were inviting me to go swimming.

Well, ask her to tell you again, ma'am. Okay.

Miss Holland, can you repeat that?

Yes, but we must hurry. My time in this realm is fleeting.

To find my treasure. Go to the

little green rings.

We're bringing them swimming. They sink in the water.

We're gonna throw this in the pool.

Come on. Yes! You have to. Come on. And guess what?

Our dad's coming to.

Yes, yes. His swimming costume is incredible.

The door Di's swimming costume. We promise. Yes.

And my sister will keep us entertained. She's so talented.

Show them.

Oh my God!

Oh my gosh! Oh, yes. She's going to do that while we swim.

It's crazy. The pool's this way. Come on, you have to go.

And that's where my treasure lies.

Oh, my God, I missed it again.

The kids came back to glaze their dad's swimming costume.

Why are you talking to kids, weirdo?

Get the rich lady back. I'm trying.

Miss Holland, I wish to speak with you again.

Wait, wait.

I see something.

Hello.

My children told me you wanted to see my swimming costume.

Come see it in water at the pool. Look.

Isn't it amazing? Like that swimming costume?

Look at it.

No, you overhyped it so much.

Spin around. Here.

Look at this. Float on a sleigh. Hey! Come swimming with us.

Come on. Why did you call for me?

No, no. No, she can't talk. He wants to come swimming.

Come swimming with us. I don't know how to swim.

Neither do we. We'll figure it out.

Come on. Yes. Swimming with us. Swimming with us.

Let's go swimming with us.

Yes. And what happened?

Well, everyone left to go swimming,

but I think I know how they all died.

I mean, they probably drowned

because they said they didn't know how to swim.

Wait, wait. Do you guys see that?

No. What do you see?

A woman radiating a white, blinding light.

She's my pale ass wife.

At Delta.

We strive to provide a safe, enjoyable flight to everyone.

Unfortunately, incidents of unruly behavior are on the rise.

Nobody should have to deal with the stress

of a disorderly passenger on their flight,

and now they won't have to. Introducing Delta disruptive.

A new section of the plane exclusively for crazy people.

Hey, hey. Hey.

I see the Illuminati are eating the kids

What have you got to do? I won't let them.

You see, Delta didn't want to deal

with the constant problems these passengers create, but

we still wanted their money.

So whether you're a basic, inconsiderate A-hole

or a paranoid lunatic

who tries to open the door mid-flight, this.

Plane is made out of Israel. Delta disruptive is for you.

But usually they, like you can't wear that.

You can see your whole ass.

But now I can wear whatever I want

and so I'm ready to leave. I was really going on one.

This bitch behind me is not real

and that she is a shadow person that only I can see in Delta.

Disruptive.

I can be who I want to be and read what I want to read.

And they never make you check your bag

Because if you say no, finish, you don't fit.

There are some rules in Delta disruptive.

For instance, you can't stab people with a pen.

Even if they're in your seat.

Okay okay okay okay.

But almost anything else is fine.

And if you're worried that

a section full of crazy people won't be safe,

don't be all delta disruptive flight

attendants are the toughest, gayest

Spirit Airlines employees who have seen much worse.

Oh hell. No. What did I say?

If you're damn comfort iguana bit another passenger,

I was going to throw you out the plane.

Give me a goddamn lizard

Now I'm going to go back to watch pornagraphy

of feeds on my phone.

And thanks to a four inch thick acoustic plexiglass,

regular passengers won't be bothered by anyone in Delta.

Disruptive, no matter what's going on back there.

So stop being met by law enforcement

when you land and start flying.

Delta disruptive.

Currently available on all domestic flights within Florida.

Oh, you think I wasn't gonna find your second iguana bitch?

It's the uninterested woman game show.

And here's your host.

Hello. Hello. My name is Sephora Outlet.

And welcome to the Uninterested Women Game show.

The game show

where a woman is up front

about not being interested in three bachelors,

and they compete to react appropriately. Let's meet Kelly.

Hi, I'm Kelly, I'm from Texas.

I'm a lesbian and I'm married.

The most I'm looking for

is three minutes of polite conversation

while I wait for my bagel to be ready.

I'm not interested in dating. And let's meet our gentleman.

Okay.

Bad start, but let's get to know these guys a little better.

Hey, I'm Dan, I believe in a woman's right to boogie.

And I'm super psyched about Kelly.

And I'm Keith.

I'm a professional rat wrangler with Covid.

I'm worried that I'm too good for Kelly,

but I am in love with her,

and I'm willing to see where this goes.

And I'm Evan.

I work out five times a week.

Much like all my favorite podcasters.

I only do arms, which is why I look so weird.

And, Yeah, I'd like to date Kelly.

That's great. A reminder, Kelly is not interested.

And why are we, like, vibing?

Okay, time for our first challenge.

Three minutes at the deli.

Kelly is waiting for her bagel.

She's wearing headphones and staring straight ahead.

What do you do?

Excuse me, I'm Keith, I'm Keith. What?

I'm Keith. Do you have a name? Oh, I'm Kelly. Oh, cool.

Do you want to get a drink right now?

I know all the spots that are open in the morning.

No thank you.

Man, you're so mysterious.

I'm like,

I don't even know her name, you know, said it's Kelly.

Oh, yeah, I forgot.

So, Keith, how do you feel about how that went?

Really good. We have plans later.

No we don't.

You don't know. You don't. Kelly, you can come back.

I'm so sorry about that.

Kelly, do you have any questions for our bachelors?

Yes. Personality is very important to me and a person.

I'll be alone with them. Public even briefly.

So tell me something about yourself.

Well, I'm a family man,

and my family is currently mad at me

because I moved my computer to the garage.

And every time I come out, my opinions are a little different.

Even I'm six foot negative three.

Every female flight attendant, waitress, nurse,

dentist, and female bartender

I've ever met has been in love with me.

And, Yeah, I'm dating Kelly.

You're not, but you're not. You're not dating Kelly, right?

Dane?

Well, my height is five foot zero,

but my penis is five inch zero.

But my penis. No no no no no no.

Stop.

I forgot to say my height.

I'm six foot five. If you measure from the ceiling.

You guys don't have to say your height.

But, I think about my height like, a thousand times that.

Well, height.

Okay, height is a medium important to women at most.

Well, if that's true, then explain my whole worldview.

Next question.

Why do you think Kelly doesn't want to date you?

This could be wrong. I'm just, like, working an idea out loud.

She's a bitch.

No, she's confused because she's sick.

The answer I was looking for is Kelly is a married lesbian

on an errand.

I am on an errand to date Kelly.

Kelly doesn't want to date you.

Whatever. She's probably lesbian.

She is lesbian. She is. She is a lesbian.

She said that? Well, I'm just.

Going to say one more time. She hasn't met me at all.

She has.

Okay, we'll be right back.

I don't I don't know, I don't know, I don't want to

Thank you, everyone, for being here today.

We all know my husband was an eccentric man.

He was devoted to his work, and he made unbelievable things.

Even at the end.

He spent his final days alone in his workshop building.

God knows what

I'm. What can I say?

My husband loved his inventions.

And he liked his wife.

♪♪

What's your name? PD 44.

How about I call you PD

So what do you do? PD?

Oh not sure

Well PD looks like it's just me and you, buddy.

Think you can help me watch this?

Still don't know what your purpose is. That makes two of us

♪♪

Yeah, yeah I miss him too.

Not much of a dinner

You know I like where your head's that.

♪♪

It's time.

PD

♪♪

He is kind of cute.

It's a match.

♪♪

I have had a wonderful night.

Me, too.

Would you maybe like to come in for a nightcap?

I'd like that very much. Good.

Because there's someone I want you to meet.

I'm home.

Oh, Petey.

This is my new friend. Hi, PD.

My name is Tom.

I've heard so much about you.

What?

No no no no no no no no no no no.

Oh

Oh my god oh my penis.

You're robot ripped my penis off. PD stands for Penis Destroyer.

Great.

Shot my penis to the moon.

That's awesome. Yeah. You know, let me get you.

No no no no no no no no.

♪♪

He did love me.

My husband love me after all. Oh.

♪♪

We now return.

Estefania.

How dare you drink wine when you are pregnant with my son?

I am not pregnant. Your son?

Because I slept with your father.

Which means the baby in your belly is me.

And cut!

Yes. Incredible, incredible.

Take. Rodrigo. Selena, your chemistry is fantastico.

I can see why this show gets middle aged.

Women. Are hot and bothered.

And can I just say it's such an honor to be down here?

What's the city called again? Guadalajara. Yes. Voila. Gucci

directing El Corazon que lo siente

Now for the next scene. This is exciting.

Our friends at sprite have paid for some product placement.

Yes, we sure have. Hi.

Todd Tucker and Shana Tine from sprite.

Yes, we're here because we're debuting a brand new flavor.

Sprite cherry lime habanero.

And we would love if you guys

worked it into the scene and whatever way makes sense.

Oh, yes. Well, these two are amazing.

I'm sure they can handle it.

I'll just fly that spray bottle into you.

All right, let's go for the top.

El Corazon.

Season three, episode 6095

and action!

Gustavo, you are alive!

I thought you had died. No, I did not. I died.

It was my twin brother who exploded. Oh,

but I can see there's already been another man in this house.

A sex criminal.

How could you say that?

Because only an obese pervert would drink this.

Oh, and sprite. Cherry. Lime habanero.

It's bad, but they pay for this.

Oh. I'm sorry, can we cut this? No, no, I agree, I agree.

That was electric.

Every abuela watching this is going

to be rubbing it out like an 80s deejay.

Right.

But maybe in this next take, you don't say that.

Only a pervert would drink our product.

You don't even have to talk about the sprite.

Maybe just take a sip of it.

Yeah. So maybe we don't talk about the sprite.

We just take a sip of it.

Exactly. Yeah.

We just want to see the characters

we love enjoying the drink we adore. Action

Gustavo.

I am so happy with your twin

brother who had a split and not you. Here.

Drink this. Oh.

Oh. It's poison.

You poisoned me.

It is. Not poison. What?

Oh, it is poison.

How dare you spit in my face?

Oh. I do your smile.

The sprite has made me hit a woman.

Cut! Yeah, I agree.

I agree that did not work.

I am over here as soft as a rock. Oh,

guys. I'm sorry.

I hate to sound like a corporate drone,

but we really need you to say that the sprite tastes good.

Yes, but the problem is, it tastes bad. Yes.

And what she's saying.

If you don't understand.

He said that the sprite that doesn't taste good,

it tastes bad. We know it tastes bad.

We know we wanted it to taste good and it doesn't.

We know we used AI to make it okay.

And for the first time in history, AI screwed up.

But we still have to sell the product. Yeah.

Okay. Okay.

I have an idea.

Selena. Follow me. Come on. Oh, yeah. Yes. Perfect.

Okay. Okay. Yes. Ready?

Actually, it's the vanilla.

You're pregnant?

It's true, but it is not yours.

It is your evil twin brothers. Oh.

Then this child cannot be born. We have to solve this problem.

I know what to do.

Drink this.

That will take care of it.

How did you know?

Oh! Oh! Oh my God!

It's the sprite. Cherry. Lime.

How about it? Burn my body.

It is causing me to die. Oh!

Ha ha! And cut!

Oh, that was fantastic. I agree.

I like how the sprite killed himself.

I'm sorry. What? How could you like that?

Because I am not who you think I am.

This whole time I work for 7UP,

>>> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, GRACIE

ABRAMS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪

♪ I'M A CRACK

IN THE PAVEMENT

I'M A SLIPKNOT ♪

♪ I'M AFRAID THAT MY

FORTRESS IS A GLASS BOX

I SHOULD KNOW WHAT

I'M PLAYIN' BUT I FORGOT ♪

♪ FELT GOOD FOR A DAY

BUT THAT STOPPED

AND I ONCE IT SAW CLEARLY

BUT IT'S BLOODSHOT ♪

♪ AND I WANT YOU SO BADLY

BUT I CLOSE OFF

LIKE I THOUGHT WE'D GET

MARRIED BUT I GUESS NOT ♪

♪ NOW YOU CAN WATCH ME

HIT THE WALL

I JUST HIT THE WALL ♪

♪ I'M NOT A PROBLEM

YOU CAN SOLVE

WEIGHING THE COST

IMPOSSIBLE ♪

♪ I HIT THE WALL

I HIT THE WALL

I TRY TO BE VIOLENT

BUT I GET CAUGHT ♪

♪ A ROOM FULL OF DOCTORS

AND AN INKBLOT

I'M DRAWN INTO HEADLIGHTS

HAVE A BLIND SPOT ♪

♪ PULL OVER AND WAIT

FOR TOO LONG

I WANNA BE STABLE

BUT I DO CAVE ♪

♪ I USE WHEN I'M ABLE

I DOWNGRADE

I BARELY DESERVE IT

IF YOU DO STAY ♪

♪ I WISH YOU WOULD ANYWAY

BUT I HIT THE WALL

I JUST HIT THE WALL ♪

♪ I'M NOT A PROBLEM

YOU CAN SOLVE

WEIGHING THE COST

IMPOSSIBLE ♪

♪ I HIT THE WALL

I HIT THE WALL

A CASE OF YOU PLAYING

IN THE HALLWAY ♪

♪ HALLUCINATIONS THAT I

DOWNPLAY ♪

♪ I'M NUMB 'TIL I'M ACHING

FOR THE SHARP PAIN

WATCH MY BLADE RICOCHET ♪

♪ TIME

FUNNY AIN'T IT

FLASHBACKS OF MY LIFE ♪

♪ WHAT A WASTE OH

OH WHAT A SHAME AT NIGHT ♪

♪ FACE TO FACE WITH

EVERY GIRL THAT I TRIED

TO PLAY MM ♪

♪ SOONER OR LATER

YOU'LL FIND OUT

I LIVE IN A PATTERN

OF BREAKDOWNS ♪

♪ YOU'LL BEND TO MY SILENCE

IT'S SO LOUD

THEN YOU'LL LOSE ME

TO THE CROWD ♪

♪ AND I JUST MIGHT

I JUST MIGHT

I JUST

HIT THE WALL ♪

♪ I'M NOT A PROBLEM

YOU CAN SOLVE

WEIGHING THE COST

IMPOSSIBLE ♪

♪ I HIT THE WALL

I HIT THE WALL

I JUST OH ♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

I. Thank you.

Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Welcome to weekend update I'm Michael che. I'm Colin Jost.

Well the midterm elections are only three days away.

And it's not looking good for Republicans.

But President Trump is laser

focused on the issue that matters most. Men's asses.

This is how he talked about Ohio Senate candidate John Houston.

I don't this.

A list of his ass.

I find a pile of muscle.

Just in case you don't know what it looks like.

You. I feel bad for Pete Hegseth.

I mean, he's out here doing televised

push ups to get Trump's attention.

Zero compliments on his body.

Even Vice President JD Vance came out

and said that he was jealous

that President Trump has never complimented his butt.

What the hell is going on?

Your party is about to lose the midterms.

Stop playing smash or pass with each other.

President Trump said at a rally this week

that his voice is operating at about 49.2% out of ten.

But Trump admitted

that his campaign schedule has not been easy.

Saying that God didn't make your vocal cords

to do a rally every day.

In fact, Trump said the only thing God

made to never quit was John Houston's ass.

President Trump attacked Democrat Ado

El CID with Islamophobic rhetoric,

saying that for El-Sayed to get into the Senate,

he should have to go through a metal detector

while Trump supporters just take the window.

Ted Cruz said that if Abdul El-Sayed is elected the Senate,

there is a very real risk that Americans

will die as a result.

Then he went back to the Senate to cut

health care and food stamps.

This week, a record number of people voted in Israel's

election, which is great to see regardless

if you're on the right side or the left side or the genocide.

Vice president JD Vance seen here letting Ozempic

take the wheel,

said that

Alaska having two candidates with the last name

Sullivan is the definition of electoral fraud,

which if true, would invalidate

every election in Boston history.

President Trump continues to campaign for Republicans

ahead of the midterms with a message.

Just close your eyes and pretend I'm on the ballot,

said one voter.

You had me at close your eyes and pretend.

An Illinois man has been charged with sending

threatening letters to Congress

containing a white, granular substance.

Thankfully, the substance has been judged to be harmless.

After Don junior did a key bump.

Concerns about an air bubble led to Google

losing $500 billion in stock market value,

which explains why today's Google Doodle hung itself.

Tomorrow's the New York City Marathon.

Yeah. Pretty exciting.

The marathon is, of course, named for a Greek messenger

who ran from the town of Marathon to Athens

to let everyone know he ran a marathon.

According to CNN, some Gen Z students are throwing daytime

wellness parties as an alternative

to parties with drugs and alcohol.

Here to comment Is Pennywise the Clown?

Whats up my dude?

Yeah. Well.

Hi Pennywise, why are you here?

To talk about Gen Z Wellness party.

Because I'm about that life now, che.

I will say it til the cows come home. Man.

You don't need to drink to have fun.

Look at che, man.

He's like you, dude.

No, I'm not. And what are you talking about?

Aren't you like a clown that kills kids?

Are you familiar with my work?

Oh, thank you, big homie. Yeah.

Look, man, I got to go where the kids are, bruh.

And look, am I technically an ancient, malevolent entity?

Sure.

Do I shapeshift to entrap children and eat their souls?

I have the news flash, man. Men can evolve.

Okay. I don't live in a sewer anymore.

I live in a loft in Austin, Texas

with three other motivated young Christians.

And when we're not on cloud code building epic stacks,

we're having long talks with our shirts off

and doing hella burpees.

Check these games, man.

Feel that, feel that. Man. I'm not gonna.

Give that a just give that a I'm.

Not gonna squeeze. A chair. Please.

All right.

Still a clown, man. Right?

But yeah, dawg, that's what I'm up to, man.

Got a little crew together of cool,

like minded, sober, predatory tech guys.

And we started a company.

It's called We All Float. I.

Instead of trapping one kid with one balloon.

What if you had hundreds of AI agents, each

with their own digital balloons?

Using the habit forming technology

from the homies over at DraftKings?

Dude, is that why you're here?

To promote your new tech startup?

No, I'm here because I manifest as people's worst fears.

Which for you is this is a lot of people

who care about you in this world who are concerned about you.

Oh, is this an intervention?

Yeah, man, it sure is.

We all watched your special.

Or, as I like to call it, your cry for help

Colin

Dear Michael,

your drinking has affected me in the following ways

We know. Pennywise the. Clown. Everybody, let's go.

No, I'm not.

I'm not going to quit. Oh.

Some users of the new iPhone duo are reporting cracks

in the foldable display, responded Apple.

You folded it.

A Texas branch of the NAACP has condemned

a social media video showing people walking down

the street in the border town of El Paso

wearing KKK robes, which, you got to admit,

would be a very smart way to sneak into the country.

Considering

Stevie Wonder is trying to evict

a woman who has lived rent free

in one of his houses for nearly 40 years,

the woman was able to stay for that long

by standing still and being very quiet.

Police in Scotland have opened an investigation

into the extensive time the former Prince Andrew

spent with Jeffrey Epstein at the King's Scottish estate.

Which brings me to my segment.

Hear me out.

Now. I know that the main story here

is that they're sexual predators.

But can we also acknowledge that it seems like these two

had a beautiful, close friendship?

How many middle aged men do you know that

go on this many cool trips together?

Maybe the real lesson is that when two men

have a shared passion, the sky's the limit.

And what seem like a teen sex

ring might actually be the perfect cure

for our male loneliness effort.

Besides, who are they even hurting? Oh, right.

This has been. Hear me out.

I cannot believe you clapped for that.

New York City Council has voted to ban horse drawn carriages.

So finally, Central Park can go back

to smelling like human feces.

Scientists studying Vincent van Gogh's Starry Night now believe

that it wasn't a product of his imagination,

but the actual sky he saw one night in 1889.

And I think if Van Gogh were alive today, he'd say, what?

Because of the ear.

Yeah, yeah, we got it.

A hand-drawn survey map of the Mason-Dixon line,

which divided free northern states from southern

slave states, is being auctioned for more than $1 million.

2 million?

A woman in Florida

has gone viral after she called police

to report a car crash while she was dressed as a banana.

But before the cops could get there, she split.

Thank you.

Thank you. No. Thank you.

On Wednesday, the Milwaukee Brewers

won their first World Series in franchise history,

defeating the Tampa Bay rays in five games.

Here to comment is drunk, uncle.

Oh! Oh!

Are you ready for some baseball?

Oh, wow. What?

What are you doing here, drunk uncle?

What do you mean, Seth?

You know, I'm my dream of a beer.

Winning the World Series finally came true.

Brewers in five. Hey, Whoa!

I've been drinking since the night they won.

And also for the last 57 years. Before that.

So you're not watching the WNBA finals tonight?

You take that back, Colin.

How dare you

I think I ripped your shirt. Yeah.

Oh. Baseball's not the same anymore, Amy.

Okay.

It used to be Babe Ruth. Cracker. Crackerjack.

Field of dreams. Gambling problem.

Now, this is just.

This is. Can I look, Max my creatine?

I challenge the pitch

Pause

I miss the days when men were men.

All that you know. And now there's a mrs. Met

Come on.

There's only one gender.

One. Yeah.

And now what? They stop serving beer in the seventh inning.

Well, now I got to drive home sober.

Stupid

drunk. Uncle.

Yeah. Are you voter fraud?

You know, baseball games.

Baseball games used to be seven hours,

you know, and it was perfect.

You know, now

the game ends in 20 minutes and everyone can go home

and watch their hot gay hockey show. Ooh!

Drunk Uncle

So I've never been Moneyball. Okay. Oh,

so I'm not using taxes. Okay.

So I'm not Elizabeth Holmes.

Who, by the way, I believe her. No.

Oh, ace is the place with the help of hardware folks.

Oh. We're good. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Oh, and Helen of Troy was white

Oh. No.

No. Oh, no. Oh, I know why you're crying.

I. No, no, no.

I'm just worried that maybe a beer didn't

win the World Series. Maybe this was all a dream.

I don't know. I don't know if it was.

Oh, I don't know either. You tell me.

Wait a second.

This I see. The world champion Milwaukee Brewers.

Oh, my God.

The first ever.

Oh! Don't worry.

Drunk uncle. It wasn't a dream.

And we have something in common. Drunk uncle.

We also been drinking since Wednesday.

Oh, and I'm the manager.

And that's kind of like being the drunk uncle of the team.

Hey, wait a minute, I know you. You're Pete Davidson, right?

Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha!

Sir. Drunk uncle and the world champion. Milwaukee Brewers

Happy Halloween! For Weekend Update I'm Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Goodnight!

Paw Patrol, Paw Patrol will be there on the double.

Whenever there's a problem

around adventure bay, Ryder And his team of pups

Will come and save the day

Paw Patrol

Special victims unit.

These are their stories.

Oh, right.

Listen up, pops. We've got one heck of a case to solve.

Oh, no.

Is Wally the Walrus stuck in the fishing net again?

Just farmers.

You mean have too many baby bunnies and not enough carrots?

Or maybe Captain Turbot can't find his silver.

The turbot is dead.

Dead tired from sailing all day.

His corpse was found mutilated behind fuzzy pups.

Pup playground.

And all that is left is a finger and a pair of kidneys.

What's mutilated is that when you turn into a cow.

Because I want to get mutilated, too.

Oh, wake the f up?

Marshall, they took out his organs

to sell them on the black market.

There is a cooler of eyeballs

on their way to Cambodia right now.

But if they can't see his eyeballs,

maybe he's just sleeping. Does it look like he's sleeping? Oh,

I've never said it like this before, but Wolf.

Sorry, gang.

I got distracted by this tasty treat. Not now.

Oh, God. That's his femur

Jesus, Zuma.

You're eating captain Turbot, and I hate that. It's delicious.

But, guys, don't forget our other problem.

Farmer, you, me has too many baby bunnies

and not enough carrots. Farmer, you miss dead too.

They hung him upside down and cut him

open from his chin to nuts.

Well, at least he had nuts.

With it.

Was it because he had too many baby bunnies and not enough

carrots? No.

It's because

he saw the Cambodians carving gang symbols into turbot Corso.

I don't understand.

How did the Cambodians get all the way to adventure Bay?

Our arch nemesis, Mayor humdinger.

They blackmailed him with nude photos of him

having a seven way with the entire and catastrophe crew.

And I'd do it again. Oh.

You sick son of a bitch!

We should have busted you

when we caught you with that underage pup.

She told me she was three.

Your fearless leader, Chase.

What should we do? Don't worry. Skye.

I have a feeling humdinger bark is worse than his.

Oh. Oh.

Chase. Oh,

call me Kristi Noem because I love putting a dog down.

Oh. Me too.

Oh, it's detective, I smell tea.

Now lie down.

Yeah, that's a good little bitch

So then I said to my gyno, I don't need a gown.

Bring in the students. How? Open a window, if all I care.

I like mine and I know it's good

I just say you are like so cool.

Oh you are no are no best.

I'm not.

I mean, to be honest, I was shocked

you guys even invited me.

We love you.

You're like our favorite person in the office.

You know, you just give zero f█s

Oh, girlfriend, I'm allergic to f

So you're so okay? Yeah.

Hey, everybody. Oh, looks like you enjoyed your meals.

Can I get anyone anything else?

Yeah. I think I'll take a date with a Hemsworth brother. Oh.

Okay. I see who's the cool one at this table,

That's me.

I mean, every day I wake up, I roll with it, and then I rock.

Oh my. Gosh. Oh.

I'm sorry.

Whoa!

Oh, my God.

I am so sorry.

For what?

For dropping 20 plates on your head.

Oh. What?

No, no, some stuff fell, and, you know,

they hit me a little, but I think they mostly got you.

So do you. Know they didn't match?

Well, okay, you know what? It all hit me.

And you know what? It happens, and I rock that.

So you can go because I'm talking with my friends.

Just. Yeah, yeah. Just go. Thank you so much. I'm sorry.

Wow. Well, he was trying to smash Denise.

I think he was just checking on you

because you're covered in plate.

Yeah. Do you want to go to the bathroom?

Why? You all trying to the slopes? Oh.

No

to, like, clean yourself up and make sure you're okay.

Oh, my God, I'm fine.

Can we talk about something else?

Seriously, these plates are like paper.

Seriously, all of that was really.

They seem huge. Are. Are you okay?

Oh. Oh, my God, he's

Go! Yeah.

Did that prove it?

I'm fine. Prove what it is.

You don't have to. Pretend like everything's fine. Okay?

We still think you rock it. We're just worried.

Really?

Yeah.

Because I'm in some pain.

Yeah, we're on your head. I mean, come on.

I can smell my blood and I can feel my bones.

And at one point, I saw the Ninja Turtles walk in the room.

Oh, can you see them now? No.

Whole room went black when the plates happened.

I can't see anything.

I've just been moving my head back and forth. Just open them.

I'm talking to one of you, okay?

Denise, you don't have to do all.

Oh, tonight was just so important to me.

Here's why. Don't you guys like me?

I even got my hair and makeup professionally done.

Does it still look good?

Guys?

Are you here?

Guys?

Well, I guess they all left.

Probably for the best.

Well, now that I'm alone,

no reason not to do this.

Easy.

Easy does it.

Don't get cocky. Don't get cocky.

Just enough to get us home.

Easy. Land the plane.

Oh, it's a little turbulence.

And touchdown!

Denise.

We're still here.

Perfect.

>>> ONCE AGAIN, GRACIE ABRAMS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪

♪ HELL FROZE IN MY BEDROOM

A PHENOMENON I CAME TO

HALF-BELIEVING I NEVER

MET YOU BEFORE ♪

♪ THAT'S WHEN YOU DECIDE

YOU WANT MORE ♪

♪ NOW YOU'RE WANTING BACK

IN YOUR BIG DRAMATIC

FEELINGS ♪

♪ FUNNY HOW IT HAPPENS

WHEN I'M GOOD

WHEN I'M SO

SECURELY ATTACHED ♪

♪ I'M A DOUBLE-KNOTTED ROPE

UNDO ME LIKE MAGIC

HERE YOU COME THERE YOU GO

HERE YOU COME THERE YOU GO ♪

♪ GO OH SPIT IT OUT

SAY WHAT YOU'RE AFTER

PULL DOORS IN MY LIFE

UNTIL IT SHATTERS ♪

♪ OH SO MY WELL-BEING'S

NOT A FACTOR

NO IT NEVER STOPPED ME

LOVING YOU BEFORE ♪

♪ NOW YOU'RE WANTING BACK

IN YOUR BIG DRAMATIC

FEELINGS ♪

♪ FUNNY HOW IT HAPPENS

WHEN I'M GOOD

WHEN I'M SO

SECURELY ATTACHED ♪

♪ I'M A DOUBLE-KNOTTED ROPE

UNDO ME LIKE MAGIC

HERE YOU COME THERE YOU GO

HERE YOU COME THERE YOU GO ♪

♪ CALL ME YOUR MIRACLE

KILL AND DIE

AND MAKE IT GROW

AH AH AH ♪

♪ HERE YOU COME

RIGHT ON CUE

BREAK MY HEART

AND MAKE IT NEW ♪

♪ WHAT THE HELL CAN I DO

AH AH AH ♪

♪ NOW YOU'RE WANTING BACK

IN YOUR BIG DRAMATIC

FEELINGS ♪

♪ FUNNY HOW IT HAPPENS

WHEN I'M GOOD

WHEN I'M SO

SECURELY ATTACHED ♪

♪ I'M A DOUBLE-KNOTTED ROPE

UNDO ME LIKE MAGIC

HERE YOU COME THERE YOU GO

HERE YOU COME THERE YOU GO ♪

♪♪

♪ HERE YOU COME THERE YOU GO

HERE YOU COME THERE YOU GO

HERE YOU COME THERE YOU GO ♪

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

Ladies and gentlemen.

Salt and pepper.

Thanks to Gracie Abrams, Tom.

Hanks, Bobby Moynihan, Pat Murphy,

Christian Yelich, and Brice Turang

Happy.

Happy Halloween

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

♪♪