Original subtitles

I was a good person before it all went down.

I was good my entire life.

Good morning!

I hope you all did your homework.

♪ We love to do our homework and we love our teacher, too ♪

♪ Then when I throw up these fun questions ♪

-♪ you should know just what to do ♪ -♪ Okay ♪

-♪ Two plus six is? ♪ -♪ Eight ♪

-♪ And good behavior is? ♪ -♪ Great ♪

♪ And it's now the part of the class when we say the time of day and date ♪

-♪ It's 9:00 in the morning ♪ -♪ On January 8th ♪

-♪ The sun is out smiling ♪ -♪ And it's your husband's birthday ♪

♪ La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ La-la-la, la-la-la ♪

-♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la-la ♪

♪ La-la-la, la-la-la ♪

♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪♪

Oh, my stars. Stop singing, children.

Hush up now.

I forgot it's my husband's birthday.

I didn't get him anything special.

Maybe if we call him, we could do a happy birthday surprise.

- Okay, oh, yeah. Right there.

I told you, we're not gonna use these.

- Right there. Oh, yeah.

That's actually my asshole.

I don't care. Yeah!

Not there, not there, not there, not--

- Put it in. - Okay, okay, yeah.

Wait. Mrs. Mayberry, remember what you taught us?

Think before you act.

- Okay. Oh, yeah.

Oh, shit! Sweetie, what are you doing here?

Shut up, Jarold!

You scream like a bitch.

- Oh, God!

What have you done? Sh-She had a family!

We could've had

a family!

- Wait, wait, wait! No, no, no.

Oh, dear God, what have I done?

In front of you all. I'm so sorry, my children.

Don't forget to work on your times tables.

You do everything right in life, play by all the rules,

and still get sent down here

with all the Hitlers and Epsteins of the world.

After one measly massacre propelled by blind rage.

So that's why I'm here, to get my revenge.

I mean, was she hotter?

I'm just saying, I had a hard time understanding

the unprompted melodrama you just spat at me, tits.

-Anyway...

I don't think you quite understand how we're operating down here.

See, we take revenge out on the living,

and it sounds like the core cast of your sitcom of a death,

frankly, are all probably down here, in Hell, with you. Boop.

Not all of them. That whore survived.

Now they all call her a hero.

How does it feel to have survived such a crazy bitch?

I just hope that sick woman finally found peace.

You are so brave. Here's $2 million.

Oh! Thank you.

Between the talk shows and donation bullshit,

she made so much goddamn cash.

Getting shot was the best thing to happen to her.

You're a hero.

You're a hero, girl.

My mama's a hero.

She is a hero.

- You're a hero.

You're a hero.

You're a hero!

-Oh! Oh! Oh! You're a hero.

She is not a hero!

Mm-hmm, yeah, okay. Yeah, my thoughts exactly.

Moxxie, stop shaking.

You're gonna shoot our only hellhound.

Wow, I feel so loved here.

Just take a deep breath... and let it out.

But it's a family.

Under what circumstances would we ever need to kill a human family?

I mean, if that's what the client wants.

Maybe, like, a shitty dad.

Or a Mob family. That's understandable.

But to eradicate an entire innocent--

seemingly, in this instance--

upper middle-class family bloodline?

Hey. You don't know they're innocent.

This kid probably sets dogs on fire.

Maybe this girl gets off to bullying Australian kids online.

And this guy...

this guy definitely watches.

Exactly. Humans are full of secret nasties.

-It's why so many of them end up here. -But--

Guilty and innocent aren't our business, Mox.

Killing who we're paid to is our business.

Shoot the target.

I just think it's a bit excessive,

and we could be a bit more selective, is all.

Guys, I want you to meet...

...our newest client.

Damn it, Moxxie, I just bought those eels.

Bye. And don't worry, we'll get that skank in less than 24 hours

-or your first kill is free!

When did we start implementing that deal?

When you set fire to my office in front of a client, you fucking dick shit!

-Now someone please tell me

that fancy book is still intact!

You mean our only ticket to the other side?

Yeah, got it.

And that's why you're my favorite, Loony.

You get a "tweat" now.

-Ew. Stop.

You're so gross!

Aw, stop it. I get enough of that from my therapist.

Now let's go lick some ass.

The expression is "kick some ass," Blitzo.

-Mine's better. -Oh, fuck.

That's got to be her.

This is too easy.

-Moxxie, do you want this one? -Me?

Yeah, this one's simple enough for you to handle.

Just a happy mother who just got out of the hospital.

- Snooze you lose, Mox.

And I got you, bitch.

Wait, are we actually killing a family?

Now don't be a puss, we're just killing a mother.

We're ruining a family.

But… ho-hold on, hold on.

Let's just think about--

What was that, Ralphie?

I don't know, Martha, but whatever it is,

they're gonna be a mighty nice dinner.

All right, kids, guns out.

Looks like we got some rabbits to catch, young'uns.

What the fuck was that, Moxxie?

I'm sorry, they just seemed so wholesome and happy.

I panicked.

Oh, who the fuck is innocent, Moxxie? From the moment of birth,

you're already a parasite leeching off your mama's tits.

Get the fuck over yourself, you baby-dicked pri--

-Aah! A new hole!

Scatter!

Where'd you go, little critter?

Y'all can't hide long from me.

- Oh.

Well, hello, little ones. Aren't you cute?

It's nice to have a new critter to play with.

Oh... crumbs.

I know you're hurting, little devil.

I promise, I can make that pain go real quick.

Just come let Mama Martha put a bullet in your pretty little skull!

Damn it.

Stolas, this is a really bad time.

-Mm, when isn't it a bad time, Blitzy?

What is it?

I've been meaning to follow up on our last little conversation

regarding my grimoire.

What did you just call me?

My book, Blitzy.

The book I was given to do my job, that I've allowed you to use

-to do yours?

I can hear you, darling.

Shit.

Anyhoo, I have been thinking,

you know I have been permitting you to access the mortal realm

less than legally for some time now,

but I do need it back to fulfill my duties.

I was thinking, what if we worked out some kind of exchange?

Favors for favors.

-Doesn't that sound enticing?

You've got to stop using your fancy-ass rich-people talk, okay?

I'm trying to concentrate on not getting fucked in my A.

-Then let me keep it simple.

Once a month, on the full moon, you return the book to me,

followed by a night of passionate fornication.

And... you get to keep it all the rest of the time, hmm?

Sound fair, my little imp?

Fine, whatever.

Oh, Blitzo. I'm so excited.

I cannot wait to feel your slimy c--

inside of my .

- Gotcha! - Butter this --

-So, you're a little devil, huh?

-Come to drag me and my kin to Hell?

Well, not today, Satan!

Gonna send y'all back where you came from.

Millie!

Oh, I had that fucking shot. Goddamn it, Moxxie.

Satan, we return your filthy creatures

back to the pits of Hell.

May the root of evil remain honored as we continue thy work.

Yeah, that's not exactly how it works, lady.

Sorry, your fire doesn't really hurt us,

but, I mean, I can fake it if that'll get your dick hard.

Oh. Shit.

Well, I'll just shoot you in your smart-ass mouth.

-That would be more effective. -Blitzo!

Moxxie!

You're not getting your goddamn paycheck for this one, Mox.

Oh, yeah, thanks. I'm fine.

I'm sorry, sir.

I compromised our objective and put us in harm's way.

It won't happen again. I promise.

Apology accepted.

But if you ever pull a stunt like this again,

I will fuck you and your wife.

All righty. Job well done. Now, let's get off.

-Eh, yeah, give me a moment.

I need to get something I left at the house.

Okay, fine, but hurry up. Loona! We're ready to come home, dear.

use while you and I are

jelly sandwiches all night...

-Don't move.

What are you gonna do, little guy? Kill us?

I should. You people are monsters.

But you should have a chance at a life and a purpose.

Look at your children.

They have their whole future ahead of them.

You are going to face your crimes justly.

I will call your earthly authorities,

and they will make sure you are dealt with fairly.

I'm handling this my way.

-Oh, shit.

Uh, do you, uh... do you have a phone to summon 911?

Yeah, it's in the kitchen.

Then what is this for?

It's a universal remote.

-Got it for the kids. -Aw.

There he is.

-Have a good wank-off session, Moxxie? -Excuse me?

Look, I don't care where you come in the living world.

Just come to your job on time, all right? See you at the office.

You doing okay, sweetie?

Better now, honey.

I think I just needed a minute to process.

You have a good heart, honey.

Just a fuzzy head.

- We got 'em, boys!

-Oh! Did you see my little Mox Mox? -Yay!

- Oh, yeah. -He did it. Oh, Moxxie!

Well, here's to another mission accomplished.

And Moxxie finally learned not to fuck up.

And killing people isn't that big a deal if they try to kill you back.

That's messed up, but I paid for it.

Yeah, fuck that family.