Original subtitles

Well, it was Friday night.

Oh, she was looking so good.

week or so.

Maybe my luck gave me a chance.

Decided I would take her to the movie show.

Just another night, I'm all alone Thinking that it's just as well That

I got a call on the telephone Damn, if it ain't Michelle

She said she wants me to be

Smells like that spray to freeze.

That bitch did this on purpose.

If I haven't told you this before, Mama's against me having sex.

She definitely needs psychiatric help.

Keep your paws off until I say okay. I was just looking.

You're the prettiest girl I've ever been out with.

Probably.

Hey.

What's that sound?

Is it her?

No, it's not your mother.

What are you doing?

You sound disappointed.

You want to get caught?

What is that noise?

Oh, I gotta move.

Look at my hood. Christ, it looks like velvet.

Don't move, honey.

If you stay here, I'll let you see all of me you want.

Above the waist.

It's dark, you know. I'd like to see what I'm seeing.

Okay.

I'll let you use it on one condition.

What? Get me a date for Roundup with Ransom McKnight.

It'll be my pleasure to match you with Randy.

No sex.

Don't worry. This is purely a clinical exam.

You broke the backbone of my passion.

You're weird.

You're the most perverted boy I've ever been out with.

I'm getting sad.

You bitch!

You're ruining my life!

And I don't need any more lectures about men. I'll learn everything I need to

know living with Daddy.

He's gonna ask me to come. You wait and see.

Is that you in there, Bubba Drum?

Yes, ma'am.

Have you been having your way with my daughter?

No, ma'am.

Not exactly.

But you wanted to go further, didn't you?

Yes, ma'am, I do.

Did.

Well,

I knew your mama.

She taught me through three grades in the old school, and I just loved her.

She'd have been real ashamed of you tonight.

Why don't you sit down? You can look.

I'm gonna face her, yeah.

Oh, friends of yours?

No.

That's a road kill for Valentino.

See, I'm trying to get him off Alpo.

I'm preparing him for his freedom.

Once, about a year ago, I saw you inside the cage.

The two of you were wrestling?

I slowed down at first because I thought he was killing you.

Well, we still wrestle.

Only, not as much.

I'd hoped you were.

Well, it's been nice talking with you.

But now I gotta go in there and holler at my daughter.

If you'd like, you can stop by in the morning to watch us wrestle.

Up close.

Well, that's nice of you.

Yeah.

I like that.

Oh, I'm sorry about the caterpillars in your car.

Yeah, they'll blow right off.

Oh, Miss Butts?

I'll see you in the morning.

So this is what an old retired veterinarian looks like in the morning.

I'd look and feel one heck of a lot better if I didn't go around with a

retired cop till all hours of the night.

You should know better.

Good morning, Sinclair.

Morning.

Howdy, Pop.

Well, it looks to me you, I guess your date with that other connoisseur must

have gone pretty well.

Yeah, the last part especially, and I hope it surely didn't get red.

They ain't got all their parts, is my main objection.

Now, look at this fellow here.

He's missing his arms, which bothers me.

But, hell, the worst of it is he ain't even got shoulders.

Neither do you anymore.

It amazes me how your shirts stay on, the way your shoulders have shrunk.

Well, he's starting to still dance, which more than a fossil like you can

say.

I got a feeling, Sinclair, that you're going to mention your sister's name

again, and I don't want to hear it.

Claudine? Now, why would I mention her? She's just the best cook in the county

and one of the few good dancing partners left alive.

Hell, you must have been thinking about her. You brung her name up. I heard her

name every five minutes last night.

I still got enough sense to avoid bohemian women, especially her,

waitressing in a beer joint at her age.

You uptight old turkey.

I'm not going to stick around and listen to your insults.

Now, there's a snake I could like.

If he had ears, he'd almost have a face.

You tell Charlie that he's taken my sister to the

dance if I have to bait him there with whiskey.

since Abby passed out.

Well, you better get with him pretty quick, or...

Use it or lose it.

Ain't that what the song says?

I'll talk to Dad for you. Yeah, you do that.

And talk up my sister some, huh?

Well, I'm off to fight crime.

How you feeling?

Ready for a little 101?

Thinks you see him, he'll attack.

Don't worry, son.

What you're feeling is man's first fear.

The fear of being fooled.

You'll need stitches, that's all.

I'll put a temporary bandage on that.

How many armadillos did you give him last night?

He was my tiger. I started feeding him before.

Ambulatory? Yes, Dr. Frank, but this one's not an accident.

Oh?

He was clawed by a tiger.

Oh.

Oh.

Hmm.

Ooh, this long isolation must have been a large tiger, huh?

We'll need a tetanus booster and a 2-0 silk on a cutting needle.

Have you fixed up in a jiffy?

Yes, ma'am. Bubba Drunk. Yeah.

You only saw me in the dark, and you look pretty tired. Oh, no, no. Today I'm

tired. Last night I was hog drunk.

Hey, wasn't I supposed to meet you this morning at the Serpentarium?

I'm so sorry.

Oh, no, no. That's okay.

It's just as well you didn't.

You were probably late or something.

Well, I was late, but the truth is I completely forgot.

And if you weren't supposed to be in school, I'd make it up to you with a cup

of coffee. Oh, I'm not missing anything.

In fact, I'd like some coffee. Yeah?

But I can see that you're busy right now. Oh, well, how rude of me. Bubba,

this is Mrs. Apple. Mrs. Apple, this here is Bubba Drum. You remember his

mama? She was the headmistress of the old school. Oh, of course she does.

Enchanted. You know what?

Let's find a nice, quiet place for Mrs. Apple.

She needs the rest, and I need some coffee.

It's bad coffee, isn't it?

I don't know.

I'm not really drinking any coffee.

It makes me go to the bathroom.

How's the wickedest nurse on the third floor today?

Hello, Dr. Shorts.

Ooh, is that all I get?

Hello, Dr. Shorts?

Come on, time's running out for us.

I've only got four more months left in this hellhole before I go back to

Minneapolis. Well, I'll miss you, I'm sure. Hey, and I've missed you too,

completely.

How about going to the big dance with me? I drove through town this morning,

and those rednecks are really getting it together for roundup.

I think I even saw a legendary cowpoke or two.

What do you say I wear my chaps and nothing else?

Boy, what a great sense of... Doesn't he have a great sense of humor?

She's already going out with me.

I see.

Oh, oh, and pass the word among the staff that I only go out with men under

the age of 20. That way we're both at our sexual peaks.

Gynecologist.

You know, I really gotta go, and you just finish your coffee, okay? You know,

I'm...

I'm serious about the roundup.

You wouldn't have to dance with me.

I just think you need to get out.

Why did you come to the hospital?

You came to ask me out, didn't you?

Uh,

yes, ma'am.

That's why I came to the hospital, was to ask you out.

Oh, I'm so flattered. I really am, but the answer is no.

You stick with girls your own age.

You'll have fewer problems that way.

I gotta get back to work and you gotta get back to school.

And I don't want you hanging around here because you might catch something. I

don't want that on my conscience.

But I tell you what, you can come and visit me whenever you like.

Because I really enjoy talking with you.

Well, I was thinking maybe we could announce it.

Do you want me to dance with you?

I don't know.

We'll see.

You sit.

Hey, Tyrone. Hi,

Shirley.

You're gonna throw up. Sit somewhere else.

I ain't sick.

Wait here.

I just got nine stitches. Take a look.

Oh, not while I'm eating.

You are so perverted.

What's so funny?

It's all over school, you know, about Mama catching us last night.

What'd you say to her, anyway?

Why?

Because she just came home, turned off the TV, and went to bed humming.

No shouting or epileptic fits.

Why are you grinning?

Oh, no reason.

I guess I'm just a happy young man.

Seems to me he must be picking up things from him.

Yeah, well, Randy is a well-known liar, and y'all just let me take him with me

before he taints your mind. Here, come back.

I was telling Randy about my sister Marty. You remember Marty, don't you?

Well, she came back from San Jacinto State last week, and what do you think

she's got?

Got the crabs.

She told Daddy she got them from a dorm kitten, and he believes her.

Now, do you boys think that is possible?

I expect your daddy would believe most anything.

At least I hope he does. Come on, you gotta make sure. Damn.

Can't you take no for an answer? I told you last night on the phone, I'm not

taking her out.

She's got big friends and a bad temper.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go take Penny in the parking lot. Would you

get a grip on your hormones?

Penny's ready.

Yeah, well, so are the crabs.

I bet they're eating her whole family alive right now.

I thought I saw you there.

You scared me.

I'm sorry to bother you.

I came to see Shirley.

Is she here?

Well, no, she's not.

But I'll tell her you were window peeping for her.

Come on in.

I give great advice to the loved one. Come on.

I thought you were entertaining.

Oh, no, no, no. I'm just entertaining myself. Here, why don't you sit down?

See, I call this my oriental night. I sort of dress up and cook chow mein and

eat with chopsticks on the floor.

Keeps me out of the doldrums of middle age.

Hold on. No, you're not middle aged.

You can't be much over 30.

Oh, yes, I can.

Then you really are at your peak.

For a marathon runner.

All you need is a little exercise.

Oh, like dancing?

Shirley says you're awful good at it.

Yes, ma'am.

Mama made me take four years of cotillion. She said that a big boy

should have some grace.

Wait a minute.

You lied to me today, didn't you?

Kiki Walker mentioned a strange case in emergency.

Let me look at that leg of yours.

Around the hospital, Dr.

Frank is known as Frankenstein.

Oh, look at that.

I know where you have lights like a whole lot.

Well, maybe you'd like some sake.

Must have been painful for you. Oh, no, no. I mean, yes, it was painful, but no

thanks on the sake. Well, here, come over here. Let me take a look.

You know, Sheila got me drunk once. Yeah?

She probably told you, though.

I went crazy and ate this Dixie cup.

But no one in my family can drink sanely.

My grandpa rode his mule home from the saloon one night into a tree.

Mule lived, but grandpa on the tree died.

Well, I'm sorry about your grandpa.

No, no, no, that's okay.

But now, tell me, who owns that red car out back?

Oh, that shit is a birthday present from her daddy. The engine exploded the first

day.

Hey, you're... Just like my grandpa's blue-tip cab.

First one paw in the chair, and next thing he was snoring in your lap. Oh,

I'm persistent like a coon dog, but I want you to know something.

What? I am an early bloomer.

Very mature.

I'm sure you're not like the other boys.

Hurry! I'm trying.

These dang buttons.

Gee, Shirley, do we have to do this right outside your house?

I mean, we could have had Lone Star Point all to ourselves.

Do you want to go all the way?

Yes, please. Get out of the way. Yes, ma'am.

A man!

She's got a man in my house!

Well, I should keep her occupied.

Damn her! Come on.

You!

You!

Okay, go call your daddy. Tell him I'm misbehaving. Don't you mention daddy

when you're...

Shirley, your mom was just looking at my bandage.

Hit him! Hit him in the groin! My right hand? No, thanks.

If you don't hit him, our date's off for tomorrow night. And remember what I

promised.

Nobody's getting hit in my house. Now, Shirley, go to your room, will you?

Kind of, because they're next and they're heavy.

It'll be all right.

I'm overlooking for you, honey.

Bull, all you ever care about is yourself.

You never think of me.

Oh, Shirley, I know you don't believe this, but you're the most important

thing in my life.

the idea that you like to threaten me with.

I hate you.

I hate you.

Are you all right?

It's broke.

I know it's broke.

I'm sorry about Shirley.

You left it?

Oh, thank you.

Boy, Shirley's mad. Oh, please, she's always mad at me.

I expect she'll convince her daddy to keep her this summer.

She'd probably like that.

Oh, I doubt that.

He's got a lot of fantasies about living with them. None of them true.

I guess it's that way with fantasies.

Oh, I don't know.

Sometimes fantasies almost suffice.

I must be crazy.

You're the most beautiful woman in the world.

Well, then you must be crazy.

Rose, I want you to know that I'm 19.

They kept me back in third grade.

Now, can I kiss you again?

Oh, I don't think... You might as well. You're being blamed for it anyway.

Why don't you take me to the dance floor? I'll probably see you there. I

think you're right about getting out.

I showed Tyrone the empty case, didn't I?

That's good.

I'm glad to hear she's getting out.

Pick yourself a partner and don't step on it too much.

Now listen to what Charlie says.

This old mule is a dancing bush.

Now, how do you get your beauty? Go on, get out there and pick yourself

something.

Mother, I want to dance with me.

Sweating heavily.

I want you to go now and just enjoy yourself with a girl the right age.

I'm glad you just swallowed a potato bar.

Swallowed a potato bar?

Come on, let's go get drunk.

I know where there's a bottle.

Yeah.

She's got you hooked. I can see that.

But if you want some advice, stay sober and hope she gets drunk.

That way, if she falls down, you won't miss her when you jump on her.

I want to speak to your ass.

What are you saying?

Just ignore him.

You had enough salad ash, bub.

I think you owe me an apology.

You're a wise ass, blubberdum, you know that?

You're a goddamn motherfucking wise ass.

You can't hold your liquor.

I see your point.

I'm a goddamn motherfucking wiseass.

You're a pervert, too.

What the hell kind of man asks out a girl and then sneaks off with her mama?

Ain't that some kind of incest?

If it ain't, it should be.

You know, but my leg still hurts where she kicked me.

Oh, well, hell, I'm sorry about that.

She should have kicked me. I'll go in there right now. No, stay away from

Shirley.

And her mama.

Now wait a second. What's between me and Mrs. Butts ain't me.

Oh, shit.

I'm trying to assess the damage I caused.

You can't believe him, right? He's a well-known liar.

He wasn't lying when he said you needed help.

Wouldn't you rather I got doctored by some girl my own age?

You be quiet.

A whole army of 16-year-olds couldn't keep up with your injuries.

You don't keep any snakes up here, do you?

Unless I'm scared.

Oh, snakes are petrifying.

I checked, but I didn't wet my pants.

Here, let me take a look.

Yeah, I'm going to put something on that.

Okay, but leave a little scar so I got something to remember.

You know, I thought for sure that you'd have a poster of a girl in a wet T

-shirt.

Short stuff. Oh, heck, I grew out of them dirty posters when I quit playing

with myself.

I bet that Dr. Shorts hasn't stopped yet.

Would you lie back down?

Oh, Rose.

My father won't be home till the last tune's played. Heck, we've still got

several hours.

You're making me very nervous.

All right.

Do me one favor.

What?

Go soak that dress in some cold water.

I'd feel terrible if I thought I bloodied it.

Barbara, this is crazy. Don't worry.

I've read the Aggie sex manual cover to cover.

And was the sex manual informing?

Oh, yeah.

You know, I memorized all three pages.

Put in, take out, repeat if necessary.

Barbara, I don't know what I'm doing here.

Neither one of us does.

But take a chance.

Drop that dress.

I'm ready to start the introduction.

Now listen to me.

This is a one-time only proposition here.

I want you to understand that. You listening?

Repeat.

Because it's necessary.

You're so experienced.

Hey, knock it off, numbskull.

Where to tonight?

And you promised to tell me in a poem. First, I got you a present.

Oh, sweet.

Thank you.

Oh, they're great.

Oh, they're fantastic.

Thank you.

Well, you may regret this.

Why? Because my sore feet are the only things in the way of me leaving you in

the dust.

Oh, yeah? Well, let's just see your stuff, lady.

Not so fast.

Call him.

Okay.

I was hoping you'd forget that.

Mostly, we run around in the dark.

But tonight, we're gonna see art.

Throw a ride at the dock.

Sit where your diaphragm tight and wiggle when the movie starts.

Catch me.

Shouldn't sprint so hard. You know, it's easy to hurt yourself when you're tired.

Yes, Coach, but I'm not tired.

Here.

Come on.

Take a rest.

Come on.

What

sort

of a girl is Shirley?

Don't worry.

She'll probably turn out to be a mysterious woman.

Like you.

Mysterious women are not made from strange girls.

She's definitely strange.

Well, now, that's a fine attitude for a mother to have.

Honey, Shirley's a young lady who's having a little bit of trouble giving up

being a little girl.

She loves you.

But instead of telling you that, she'd test you.

For what?

See if you're paying attention.

How am I doing?

I'd have to give you 99.5.

Half point off for this little freckle right here.

Why do you take such an interest in my anatomy?

Because in my first year of vet school, I'm gonna have to be dissecting frogs.

I'd like to be ahead of my class.

Oh, really? Why?

You're different than me.

I mean, you're just a different bill of a person.

Well, I better be. We're having stranger sex than I thought.

We're having strange sex?

No. Just different.

Let him rest.

Sometimes I wish you'd let me talk about our future.

You know, don't you think it'd be easier if I just moved in when Shirley left?

Heck, Rose, I don't keep loving you a secret.

You're gonna start your summer job next week, and after that you have college.

I want you to be thinking about your future, not ours.

Sometimes when your hair's messed up, you look like a partially open can.

You do.

He just called. I'm trying to prevent a murder. Oh, yeah, right.

Good idea. Listen, if you got something to tell me, let me know. To me? Hell, I

ain't got nothing to say. Well, then I gotta go.

Not to mention, maybe there is something.

When did you and me quit arguing over morals for a while?

Something's come up, and I gotta forget about mine.

You drive, Captain.

What are you doing here? Where's Shirley?

She's up.

Yeah, I figured she would be. What time's a callous brute father getting

here? Well, he's not coming till next week.

She and Randy saw everything last night.

She called up her father. He's coming to get her today.

That's right, Mama.

But don't let me intrude. Go ahead.

French kiss my ex-boyfriend.

Uh,

uh, I'm going to get dressed. Maybe you'd like to holler at me in my room.

You're smoldering.

I can see that, but you know something we were just exercising?

Jargon! Naked?

You really are the most perverted boy I ever dated.

And for your information, Daddy is not a brute.

He said he'd leave at the crack of dawn when I told him about this den of

iniquity. Shirley, please, come on. This is all my fault.

Your mama was helpless in my clutches, you know.

You're gonna feel a whole lot better if you just clobber me one.

In the groin, if you want.

Clobber your groin, but do it quietly.

I'm listening for Daddy's car.

Now, you better straighten up your room. I don't want you leaving in a mess.

You don't have the right to give me orders anymore.

But I'm going, because I got something to do.

You just sit here with your high school boyfriend and enjoy yourself.

Though you haven't needed me to tell you that.

Maybe young girls just need to clean their systems of Lonnie's.

She's gonna be better off, you wait and see.

Thanks.

What are you up to?

It's morning, after breakfast.

What do people normally do then?

Geez, Mama, you're really gonna miss me.

Won't be anyone here to check up on.

Or maybe there will be.

Oh, Mama.

I want you to know I left a surprise for you. When you get it, think of me and

about all those lectures you gave me about the right way to behave.

You too, Bubba. You might be involved.

Daddy's here.

Bubba, bring out my footlocker.

Oh, I'm sorry I'm late, sir. Your old LaVon, she couldn't get me out of bed

this morning no matter what she tried.

Oh, she's just so small.

Hey, you get over here.

You two gonna get along fine.

We got your spare bedroom and the condominium, and LaVon, she's already

bought you a new air mattress.

You're married?

Oh, hell no, not until LaVon quits her job at Figure World.

I won't have a wife working, you ought to know that, but what the hell, it pays

the bills.

I'd like to talk about some bills, too.

If you can untangle yourself.

Excuse me, darling.

That's a hairy-legged ex. I told you she's sarcastic.

Hello, Rose.

You know, you're ten months late on your child support.

That money goes into Shirley's college account.

You the boy? I hear you've been romping nude with my wife.

It's ex-wife, and that's not the subject.

No, no, it's a subject, and I'd like to discuss it.

She looks like she models for blow-up sex dolls.

So you're the ex.

Lonnie has just told me so much about you.

Funny, he said nothing at all about you.

The other one he talked about a lot.

Yes, he has the same low opinion about the both of you.

Any woman that Lonnie thinks highly of has got all my sympathy.

Now about the bills, Shirley cannot go to college if you don't work enough. He

is working, but you don't know how the cattle business is.

Don't worry in a week. You can have her sleeping on the air mattress

Sweetheart

you sit by the window while the bond doesn't like the wind messing her hair

up Rose Cute

family

Before the summer's over, they'll be biting each other.

No use resisting.

Think of me as a force of nature.

Like a tidal wave.

I didn't expect my life to go like this.

Oh, it's not so bad.

Him too?

After Pop quit kicking the furniture.

He said if I was going to disgrace the family, he wouldn't feed my tiger.

And besides, it's time he got out from behind those bars anyway.

Can I possibly get rid of you?

No, ma'am.

I'm stuck on you like a tick.

Okay. But you sleep in Shirley's room. The rent's 75 a month.

And we'll work the board out.

Shirley's room? Uh-huh.

I'm not sleeping in here.

Like it or leave it, the other bedroom's mine.

Look, I'm tired and this is my room. No, it's not.

It's our room.

You just won't let me sleep here.

I don't understand.

I don't understand why the other night you said I... The other night I learned

my lesson.

Now, if you want to stay here, you've got to live your own life.

You gotta go out on your own days, just like me, and you're gonna sleep in the

other room.

Like heck I will!

Now, that room's for kids.

Now, I may be 19, but I'm your man and you love me. And I'm gonna go sleep on

the sofa where the ejected man is supposed to sleep.

Breaking furniture, huh?

Wanna pay by the week or in one lump sum?

It's more helpful to sleep with your head lower than your feet.

I know. In my bed, that's how I sleep.

Don't look at me that way. You make me very nervous.

Why don't you just hold on to my feet and tell me what you're plotting?

How long have we been dating?

Two, maybe three months. Fine.

Well, I was thinking.

You know, for every step I've made with you, I've had to get something broken.

Oh, come on. That's not true. No, no, that is true.

You were supposed to stop by my house. Valentino broke my skin.

And then there was a round-up dance.

Yes. I nearly got my ear torn off.

What's the point?

Oh, I'm using guilt to get into your bed. I admit that.

But since I have to break something, perhaps you have a least favorite leg.

Oh, you don't have to break anything else.

Soap is enough.

You mean we're illicit lovers again?

Yes, but only for the summer. Now, when Shirley gets home, that's it.

Absolutely.

I haven't read all this yet, but I think this may be the best part.

One night, Daddy came home in a fright.

He was just having drinks with a, quote, friend, when Le Bon entered the bar and

shot off a gun.

Oh, he wanted to kick her head in. I bet he did. Not being a violent sort,

besides the one with the home, I suggested her wig heads.

With wig heads all over the floor, we heard her... In the lock.

Now, I don't know what got into Daddy, but he started blaming me.

Oh, God.

Naturally, LaVon believed him, and now they've gone and grounded me for a

month. As if I go anywhere but night... night school.

I haven't told you about that. I'm taking night classes so that I can

graduate by Christmas and get out of everybody's hair.

All my disgust to Bubba.

Temporarily yours.

Now you're upset.

Well, I gave you that idea.

Oh, don't be sarcastic.

Don't worry, honey. Shelly's going to be all right.

Hey, you know I love you.

I love you, too.

Hey, you okay?

You didn't finish your pizza out tonight.

Oh, yeah, I'm fine. Yeah?

Yeah, I just had some gas.

Yeah? Oh, thanks.

Thanks so much.

Hello, Samantha.

Let me have this special, please, Dad.

Another one from Shirley?

You two must be in love.

Yeah.

Where you been? I've been trying to get in touch with you. Try at work.

I was over at the clinic twice already.

Dr. Bispo had a couple of mares and foal out at the turnip farm.

I don't know why he didn't assist, but he let me deliver one myself.

God, Randy, it was beautiful.

That woman doesn't feed you enough, boy. I know it. Don't you get fed at home?

When I left this morning, Rose was taking leftover pea salad.

Listen, Nick, I've been looking for you. Shirley keeps writing, asking if her

mother's pregnant yet.

Are you throwing away your shot at a future? Did she mention how?

I thought you knew how girls got pregnant.

What I mean is, she did mention leaving a surprise in a diaphragm.

Some sort of crap like that.

Could you be just a little bit more specific, please?

Well, look, if she's not pregnant, just forget it and eat up.

So, how's the wickedest nurse on the second floor today?

I bet you missed me.

And I missed you, too.

Completely.

And I only have another week left in this hellhole before I go back to

Minneapolis. The answer is no.

It took you two years to get around to me. Yes, I was saving the best for last.

That's what you told Sylvia last week. Can't you think of some new lines?

And don't you think we divorced girls don't talk?

Don't I know you?

Well, uh, we met once.

You were using the same line on Rose Butts. Oh, thanks. It works well with

divorced women.

Are you sure I don't know you?

Rose Butts. Rose Butts. Oh, yeah. Upstairs and north, though. Right.

Right. Oh, wait, wait. No, no. I need to speak to you.

Uh, privately.

If this table could talk.

So what can I do for you? Need a DNC?

I need a diaphragm.

What do you need it for?

A party hat.

Ruthless? It's not for her, is it?

Sure it isn't. You know, I thought she had a different look about her lately.

I notice these sort of things. In fact, now that I think of it, she's rumored to

be living with a tiger.

That wouldn't be you, would it?

Ah, you sure don't let much slip by you, Doc. Don't kiss my ass, kid. What size?

I don't know.

80? Take as many as you want. I'm out of here in a week. Over there in the

cabinet.

Thanks.

Anything wrong?

What is it?

It's a diaphragm.

I know that. It's not mine.

Sit down.

Why?

Just sit down.

I had to get a new one.

I flushed the old one down the toilet.

What was wrong with it?

Rose...

I was thinking about having babies.

But I thought, now, you better discuss this with her first.

Don't be absurd.

I think it's a possibility.

I mean, what would you do if you accidentally got pregnant?

I'd have an abortion.

Hey, I've already had my family. I don't want any more children.

Look at me. I'm feeling great.

Hey, I'm running. I quit smoking and drinking.

I wake up every morning feeling fresh.

Besides, Shirley's coming back next week, and you're going home.

Listen, I probably haven't thanked you enough for everything you've done for

me. But I mean it.

Thank you.

Thank you.

So then you definitely won't marry me?

I've already married one 19-year-old. Oh, he was a jerk.

Well, that's right. And you're not a jerk. But you're still only 19.

Getting lazy again.

With me this time.

You'll get over it.

I don't think so.

You give them too much freedom too soon.

Morning just gnaws those bars.

I've been thinking.

Better sell them now.

No use waiting anymore.

Talk to that...

Fellow I know runs the fairyland the other side of Brosville Offered up a

good price I have to send someone all the way through college

Not yet

Don't sell it quite yet

I guess I know how you feel.

I love games with my buddy.

Don't you know what that'll do to your lungs?

My lung?

Don't you think we can discuss this thing like adults?

Do you think you can? After all, you're not.

You know, there's a bright side to this.

I'm sure. We could have this, baby.

Ah, correction.

I could have it. It's my body, remember?

Yeah, but I'm the father, remember that? Mm, correction again.

You and Shirley share a joint in the net. Well, correct me in this.

We're in love. Now there's a baby on the way. We ought to make it right.

Look, I've already had my family.

In a million years, I couldn't start over.

Are you sure this is the right place?

I don't hear any blood curdling screams.

Shh.

Down the hall.

Fourth door on the right.

Father's occupation?

Daddy? He's a cedar whacker.

When he works.

A cedar whacker?

Sure, you know, he chops down trees for fence posts.

That's all we can grow on the farm.

Batting blisters.

I see.

And is he willing or able to contribute to the cost of the termination?

Daddy? Heck, he didn't make me pregnant.

An alien did it.

An alien?

Sure, you know, one of them visitors from another world, like E.T.

This one is dressed up as my boyfriend, but I knew it wasn't him.

Sonny never acted like that in his life.

And he promised me that he's playing pool.

I see.

Take this form down the hall for consultation.

Room B.

Young man, please don't lean against the wall.

No disrespect, ma'am.

I believe everyone has the right to be a woman.

Marital status?

A single.

Occupation? Registered nurse.

Then as a nurse, you are familiar with the means of birth control?

Sure am.

The man's name is not required, of course.

Well, I'm him.

Bubba Drum with two M's.

A native of the planet Earth.

But in our relationship, Rose doesn't shave her legs, and I'm the weak and

subservient one.

I see.

And you want him present at the consultation?

Uh, if you have space on your form for this, write it down.

I am stuck on this woman like her hair.

He's only partially responsible.

My daughter had a hand in it, too.

But she's home recuperating from a bout with a hairbrush.

Your daughter? Yes.

Down the hall, fourth door on the right.

Room two. Thank you.

Honey, this may be our last chance to talk alone.

I want you to know I am sorry. I feel responsible for all of this. But you

know, I just got to tell you right now that this is not the responsible thing

to do. Maybe not. But don't you apologize.

It's my own fault for not behaving right.

Now, maybe if you don't feel good about this, maybe you should just wait in the

car. Okay?

No. No, I belong in there.

I'm the man.

You might not be.

What does that mean?

Just that. You might not be the father.

You've been fooling around?

I don't believe you. You're just trying to take the pressure off me.

Where'd the counselor go?

There should be Kleenex in this office.

Oh, here.

Can I help?

It's okay, Marsha.

You were right.

I'm wrong.

What else do you want me to say? Oh, nothing, nothing, nothing.

Is there anything I can do? It's just that I'm not ready to have children. I

need to live first.

If Ronnie wants this thing so much, let him have it. Donna, no, I can't. Well, I

can't either. I am not going to give up my future in real estate because of your

inadequacies. Okay.

Okay, you're right.

Listen, I don't want to see you get upset either.

Let's just get this thing over with, okay?

Hey, hey.

Mine uses the same excuse as me. Don't give up.

Wait just a minute.

What you're all forgetting here is that it's my body and my future, and I just

want this thing taken out.

This decision you're making, it can't be that self-centered. I guess you're here

for a dental appointment.

Who the hell are you, anyway?

I'm Rose Butts. I was a mother before, and now here I am, pregnant again.

Yes, well... We can see you're not wearing a wedding ring, can't we,

Ronnie? Actually, Miss Butts is here with the surgical inspection team.

She is a nurse, and I'm an exterminator.

That's right. And this clinic is filthy, so you better go too, Marsha, because I

know how you feel about parasites.

Oh, no. Just give me the keys. I'm on the drive.

We really got to get married now.

Even if you were fooling around, I'm the most probable father to be.

Nope. You're going to college and live your own life.

I'm just going to act like nothing's a matter until I have this thing.

And as for us, we're not going to see each other anymore.

Enough damage has been...

to be?

Well, I'm not exactly sure who the father is.

Can't we be sure of anything anymore?

I don't suppose you're married or anything like that.

No.

So, I'm a legitimate most probable grandfather to be.

Who's the mother? Do you even know her?

It's Rose, you dim-witted old vet.

When?

Sometime in the middle of February.

That's a...

tomorrow. Knit pink. Knit pink.

We'll name her Abby after her illegitimate, most probable grandma.

Oh, that'd be sweet.

But if it's a girl, I hope it favors Rose.

You two would make real homely women.

Promise Mama not to show up here.

No idea, but she won't answer any of my letters.

Well, that's because she hasn't read any.

Do you really expect her to?

I mean, I'm right here. She hardly even speaks to me.

Well, let me see her.

Just for a minute, then I promise I'll go away forever.

Well, I would.

But for your information, she's not here.

She's out on another date.

A date?

But she can't.

She's pregnant. It ain't safe.

Sure it is.

Doesn't even wear a diaphragm anymore, and there's nothing you can do about it.

You told me he was wild, but you didn't tell me he swung from trees.

Hello, I'm Kiki Walker.

Yes, ma'am.

Hey, I remember you.

Dr. Frank almost sewed your hand to my leg.

I'm real sorry about this.

I hope I didn't make you hemorrhage or anything like that.

Shouldn't you check?

Oh, I don't know.

But you just make Rose calm down. She's been cranky and sarcastic for weeks,

ever since she had to quit running.

Rose, next class?

Yeah, but I'll drive.

By then, you won't be able to fit under that wheel.

See you later.

Watch your step.

Now give me the key and I'll open the door.

What class?

Are you a co-ed?

I wish.

Well, then what sort of class is it?

Natural childbirth. Now what are you doing here?

We're having our baby naturally. You're not having anything.

What are you doing here? Now see, you're mad. You better watch that because the

baby can feel it.

Shirley told me you was on a date. I just lost my head.

Oh, God, it's him again.

Rose, honey, listen.

He called you honey, Mama?

This is distorting my whole adolescence.

Go to your room, Shirley.

Rose, tell me about our baby. Does he have a face yet? Ow!

My childhood's been ruined. Go to your room.

Rose, please share the baby with me.

This isn't fair.

You can't keep this all to yourself.

At least tell me about the classes.

I'll tell you. She and Kiki Walker are planning on helping each other deliver.

Where's her husband?

He's stationed in Europe. If he can't get leave, Mama's gonna take his place.

With any luck, this baby will turn out better than you.

With Dumbo here for her father, I doubt it.

I may not be the father.

Rose said she was fooling around.

Oh, sure.

You don't know Mama like me.

Would you, huh?

You're making my baby squirm.

Hot milk, Mama?

I'd rather have tea.

No, think of the caffeine.

And here, I'll put a pillow under your feet, honey.

Would you please help Shirley?

I want to be alone.

Okay?

Out of my way, goofus.

Shirley, why'd you lie to me tonight?

Maybe Mama wasn't out on a date.

Look, I'm willing to call a truce.

I mean, the situation calls for it, don't you think?

How's she doing, really?

How does any middle-aged, unwed mother doesn't want to admit her condition act?

You tell me, Mr. Smart.

Cranky and sarcastic.

Only time she's been bearable is when Uncle Ben calls and she can talk about

California.

Well, is there anything I can do?

All right, quit looking snakebit.

I'll let you carry the tray in. But don't eat any cake yourself. I mean,

it's twice her clothes now.

And don't get any ideas. This is only a truth, not a surrender.

I just have to go to the bathroom, and I don't want the milk getting cold.

I don't want to play tug-of-war with a baby.

Now, be careful, because it's hot.

Thanks.

Y'all feeling better now?

Oh, I'm fine. I'm just exhausted.

Maybe the two of you shouldn't rest on the sofa.

I didn't fix it too well.

It's all right. I re-glued it after you went to work.

You want some cake? Yeah.

Yeah.

The baby's cooking.

Can I feel it? Sure.

Can I touch too, Mama?

Oh, sure.

Neither one of you could have managed alone.

Feel this.

I'm starting college in January.

I'll be moving to the dorm so you and Mama can carry on your illicit affair in

private. You're going to college?

What about the money? Daddy finally got what he deserved.

His disability checks came to his old address, and Mama cashed them all last

week.

You know what's strange?

I get to go to college because my mother forced the checks that my father

deserved because his mistress shot him in the leg.

She shot him in the leg?

Yep. I never thought I'd be glad to move back here.

That bitch, LaVon.

I ought to write her a thank you note.

You know, Shirley, you might not make such a bad stepdaughter after all.

Never. She'll never marry you. She's got too much pride.

What's wrong with me?

Besides the obvious, you're young enough to be her son.

What else?

No education.

I mean, face it, Bubba, you got no job future. Why'd she want to marry you?

Love.

How's Ransom doing anyway?

Now, Shirley, I don't want my possible stepdaughter to be messing around with

him.

Rabbit's got better walls.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

Where have you been? I've been waiting for this.

You know, your goddamn tiger took a swipe at me, and I'm the fellow who runs

over his feet.

Goddamn, we're running out of chairs.

This time I hope you eat you surely give me a hand here you're crazy.

I'm not touching that snake

Sparkle. Come on.

Merry Christmas.

Same to you. No lead, please, Philip.

What about the tiger?

Nothing to worry about with him.

Valentino was born in St. Louis.

Same as your baby boy.

That is Daddy's nose, I see.

Why are you waiting? Perhaps you and the missus cater to the serpentarium?

There are a hundred different kinds of reptiles and animals, most of them

vanishing species.

No, I don't think so. Just the gas we're in kind of a hurry.

Educate yourself about snakes, mister.

They're ugly, but they're important.

A book instructor could rid your house of rats.

Of course.

That's right. You got something against reptiles?

You know, I think that's enough gas.

Thank you.

You said, uh...

He said, Philip. Charlie, watch that dog.

He said, Minstrel.

Here, boy. Come on.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Just relax.

Just relax, everybody.

We'll get a new dog. Get a new dog. You bet. We will talk to Tom. Don't look,

honey. Just don't look.

I know it. For you.

You will hear from my attorney. Right now.

Rest assured.

At least he died a painless death.

Gotta turn your tiger loose.

So it'll be a lesson to you, boy.

You can't hold on to things too long.

It's been the problem of your life.

Holding on.

Yeah, Mr. Crockett told me he was coming.

I got a check here somewhere.

$8,000.

A lot of money for a boy.

Yeah, it's my college education.

Yeah, if you want to spend it on that.

Now, you're going to have to unload them yourself. I got to wait for a load of

chimpanzees. Just take them on down to section 63B.

How large a place will we have?

Well, 100, 150 acres, I guess.

Miss Crockett wants to breed him with that crippled lion Josephine.

Wants to get him a litter of them laggers or tyons or whatever them half

-breeds is called.

Just what a rich man needs.

His own pet freak of nature.

Well, you go on, turn loose out there. How did Josephine get crippled?

Well, she escaped once, stepped in a jaw trap over in Hayes County.

Chewed her own foot off to get free.

Well, she weren't too hard to run down after that.

Oh.

Thank you.

to the guest.

I need some time to do a little thinking.

I'm gonna take a vacation.

Really? Uh-huh.

A vacation now?

Yeah.

Where?

California, San Diego, with my brother Ben.

Hmm, do you think that's a good idea?

I mean, what's a trip gonna do to the baby?

Oh, the baby will be fine.

Well, maybe I should drive you. You know, I can go to college in California.

They've got a great veterinary school in San Diego.

No.

When are you gonna be back?

I don't know.

Well, that's all right with me.

That's it?

You're not gonna put up a fight?

I'm through forcing myself on things.

I finally turned my tire loose.

I suppose it's your turn.

No.

Thank you.

You know, you ought to consider one thing. What?

Out in California, they don't have as many morals.

A couple like you and I might fit in.

Oh, that'd be nice to believe.

No, honey.

I'm serious.

If you want your freedom, I won't make you chew off your feet.

Just tell me here and now that you don't want me to follow.

That's the last of it, Miss B.

Oh, well, thank you.

You know, you've really changed.

Must be the academic life.

And home cooking.

Oh?

Oh, yeah, Mama.

There's just one other thing. I'm afraid I won't be as involved in fatherhood as

we planned because Randy and I discussed a relationship and... And we're living

together.

I guess we all have to grow up sometime.

You two get married real soon, because I don't want the co-father of this child

living in sin. You hear?

Huh? Be careful.

Now, when Mr. Foley comes by with a check for the house, now you make sure

he didn't take more than his 6% commission.

I will, Mama.

Okay. Call the electric company, phone company.

Mama, I know who to call.

You take care of her. I will.

Mama, you okay?

Oh, I'm just fine.

I just don't fit behind the wheel like I used to.

Now, we'll be out in the second week of March. If you want me any sooner, just

call.

What time is it?

1.30.

Good. We've got one more call to make.

There's no way to know What lies down the

road Never thought I would look in your

eyes again When

we said goodbye

Do we ever find what we had?