Original subtitles

All right, Pissface?

All right, Pusface. What's going on?

Um, hey, Dad.

Yes.

And, the reason you're dressed as an astronaut?

What? You mean this coat?

Which you're wearing on your next mission to Jupiter?

Clever.

Dad, why are you looking at a tree?

What? Why are you looking at a tree?

I'm not looking at a tree, I'm looking at a bag.

Huh?

See that plastic bag up there?

Dad wants to get it down.

Really? Why?

Cos it's an eyesore. And cos he's an idiot.

But it's not even our tree.

It's not even outside our house.

What I said. That's not the point.

It's in our sodding road...

BOTH: And you can see it for miles.

Miles?

BOTH: Yes, miles!

Stupid runt.

Hi, boys.

Hi, Mum.

Martin, please leave the tree alone now.

It's not the tree, Jackie, it's the bag.

Yes, all right, the bag.

Just come in, will you? What are you wearing?

Pillock's clothes. Nice.

Jonny's just joined NASA, so...

Pusface.

Well, are you coming or what?

Stick.

The stick, again?

It doesn't even reach.

Urgh!

Ready for this?

Yes, well, when you've grown another ten metres, Martin, do let us know.

Come on, boys.

Bleeding thing.

He's obsessed with that grotty bag.

Is he really?

Don't worry, Jonny will get it down. Will I?

Your coat doubles as a jetpack, doesn't it?

Ha funny ha.

What is it even made of?

Mum!

It looks like the stuff I wrap the chicken in before I bung it in the oven. Mum!

Martin?!

Ah.

Oh, maybe he can go and live in that tree.

Ooh, Mum.

Hmmm?

Guess what I've got.

What is it?

Oh, yeah, I saw it.

You saw it?

What is it?

You never told me you saw it.

What is it, you dick?

It's an interview thing I did for the local magazine.

Interview thing?

About his music.

Did you like it?

Why would anyone interview Pusface about his awful, awful music?

Thank you.

Oh, my God, it's Pusface!

Mum, look at Pusface!

Yeah, I've seen Pusface, thank you.

Um, what's wrong?

Nothing's wrong.

Something's wrong.

Oh, this is gold!

"Local lad and composer, Adam Goodman..."

Composer? You mean, crap jingle writer.

Thank you, again.

"..has been sprinkling his musical magic..."

What?

"..on some of the country's best-known radio commercials for the past ten years."

Ah, yes, like "Lax-a-Leave for healthy bowels."

Jonny.

I thought you'd be excited.

I am excited.

You don't seem excited. Don't I?

Pissing stick doesn't reach.

Martin! You nearly gave me a heart attack.

Ooh, only nearly?

Right.

Oh, Jackie!

Mum! Bye-bye, stick.

Here's a good one - "How do you relax?"

Yes, OK.

And Pusface says, "Headphones on,

"chilled-out tracks,

"and just vibe."

Just give it!

Dad, have you seen this?

What? Oh, yeah.

His mother's seen it too.

Sorry?

Oh, for Christ's sake.

What the hell's wrong?!

"What is your earliest musical memory?"

Um...

Yes?

"Going to see Oliver The Musical

"with my Auntie Val when I was six."

And?

I took you to see Cats

when you were five!

Oh, my God!

Please say you're not being serious.

No mention of your mother anywhere.

You are being serious. I can't believe it.

You mention your father. Oh, yes. "My dad's so funny."

Incredible. You mention your brother.

"My brother's hilarious." He really is.

You mention... Auntie Val?

Oh, yes, you even mention Auntie Val,

but you can't mention your own mother.

And this is happening in real life, is it?

How could you not mention your own mother

in a professional magazine interview?

Uh! Dad, can you believe this?!

Well, maybe you could have said something nice about your mum,

even if it was a lie.

Er, I heard that, thank you.

Right!

I'm so sorry I didn't talk all about you in my interview,

but strangely enough it wasn't about "Adam Goodman's mother".

Well, you could have said something, anything.

Oh, yeah? Like what?

Like, OK...

"I love my mother."

I love my mother?

Yes, "I love my mother." What's so funny about that?

Don't you love your mother? Oh, just shut up!

Well, say it then.

What? Now? Well, if you're not going to say it in your interview, why can't you say it now?

Er, because this is insanity.

Insanity?

Er, Mum? What, Jonny?

I love you.

See, your brother can say "I love you."

Your father can say, "I love you."

Hmmm? Martin, can you say "I love you" please? Oh, I love you.

See?

But not as much as I love this yucky stuff.

Right, clearly I mean that much to you.

Yes, clearly.

Can you believe him, Mum? Shut up!

Well, if that's how you feel, I don't know why

you bothered to come here tonight. You know what? Neither do I!

Unbelievable!

Good!

Uh... Mmm!

I didn't know Adam liked prawns.

Unbelievable...

Unbelievable!

Ugh!

Just vibing, are you? Ha, funny, ha.

JONNY LAUGHS

What do you want? Nothing.

Just came to say I love you. Very good.

Getting ready for lift-off? Also very good.

I mean, I literally have no memory of Cats.

Look, why don't you just go back in, tell Mum you love her

and be done with it? No way! Why can't she just be happy for me?

When's she ever been in a bloody magazine?

Ah, yes, the bloody magazine.

"From where do you get your inspiration?"

Fantastic, it's online.

"Anything can inspire me, from the smell of rain on tarmac..."

What? So, you sniff puddles? Jonny...

"..to watching the children playing outside my bedroom window."

That does not sound great. Pissface!

Hello, boys. Ugh, what does he want?

You all right, Jim? Yes, fine, fine.

DOG WHINES

Um... Can we help you?

What? Oh, yes.

Come on, Milson.

Hmmm!

Good girl, Milson.

Great. Car ruined.

Is-Is your mother in?

What? In the car? Yes.

Um, she's not in the car at the moment, Jim.

She's actually in the house.

Oh, of course, yes, in the house.

Well, don't worry, I can ask her later.

You do that.

So...?

Where are we going again?

I'm sorry?

I've forgotten where we're supposed to be going.

We're not going anywhere, Jim. Aren't we?

Then why are we in the car?

Get out immediately? Yep.

Um, are you getting out, Jim, or...?

Yes, soon.

Soon? Soon.

Fabulous.

Come on, then.

Good boy, just say "I love you" and... I'm not saying that!

JONNY CHUCKLES

Hi, Bobble.

Hi.

Um, I just want to say...

Oh, Jonny, please take that bloody space-suit off.

Ugh!

I'm sorry about before, Adam. I went a bit mad.

A bit mad?

It's a lovely interview, really.

Can we be friends?

And you're not going to make me say... Of course not.

And anyway, I don't need you to say "I love you"

because I know you love me.

I know you love your mother.

Your mum.

Your mummy.

I'm not saying it! Bloody hell.

Right...

Martin, it's dinner now.

Just leave the sodding bag!

Jackie, that sodding bag is about to become sodding history

thanks to this beauty. What, the ladder that falls apart

the second you open it?

Shit. Half a second, actually.

Inside.

Hello, Jackie.

Hi, Jim.

Everything OK?

Yes, Jackie. Um, I just wanted to ask you a question.

Yes? Did you know that there's...

..there's a bag in that tree?

There's got to be some way of getting that bugger down.

Martin, please come away from that window

or do you want me to put your face through it?

God knows how it ended up there.

Right, I'm going to cut my head off in the kitchen.

Yeah, it's a real mystery.

Yes, how did a plastic bag end up in a tree? Ooh.

I don't know. Maybe the wind?

Perhaps a bird took it up there.

Or the wind? Like a gull or something. Or just the wind?

Could have been children, you know, mucking about. Kids.

Mum, Dad doesn't know what wind is.

Really? He should do, he lets off enough of the stuff.

SHE CACKLES

Ugh, Mum!

If I could just get up there somehow. Table, please.

Ooh, that's an idea.

Table!

Jackie, I suddenly need to go to the...toilet.

Well, that's not suspicious. You suddenly need to go to the toilet

or you suddenly need to go outside to play with your stupid bag?

Um, toilet. For my...wees.

Bag! Absolutely bag.

Just sit.

MARTIN SIGHS

Ooh, I nearly forgot -

to Adam, for his amazing interview.

Aww, thanks, Mum. Yes.

It was amazing, wasn't it? "What's your favourite smell?"

Yes, OK.

Answer - "My girlfriend's hair."

And does your girlfriend KNOW you're a murderer?

And does your girlfriend KNOW you're a dickhead? Boys.

Oh, don't know, let's find out.

Jackie, my wees! Martin, shut up.

Jonny, put your phone away will you, please?

Hey, Luce. Jonny!

Yeah, all good, yeah. Just phoned to say I love you, that's all.

See ya, babe. You shit. JONNY CACKLES

So, do you remember when I took you to see Cats then?

What? Oh, um, not really.

What do you mean, "Not really"? It was Cats!

Yeah, Adam, it was Cats. Please.

What was Cats about again? Horses.

How can you not remember?

Uh, cos I was six.

Uh, no, Adam, you were five.

All right, five! Yeah, cos you were six when you saw Oliver

with Auntie Val, which you do remember... Pissface.

..but five when you saw Cats with Mum, which you don't remember.

Exactly.

Urgh!

You shit. I thank you.

I need wees. I'm doing wees.

I can't believe you remember seeing a show with Auntie Val,

but not one with your own mother.

Well, that was because I love Auntie Val and I don't love you.

Happy now? Horrible.

So horrible!

You're not jealous of Auntie Val, are you? What?

Course I'm not jealous of Auntie Val.

Yes, you are. Rubbish!

Why would I be jealous of Auntie Val?

You know, it's just three words.

Three little words.

I told you, I'm not saying it. Saying what? I love...

HE GROANS

Very clever.

PHONE RINGS

And yes, well done, that's Lucy now, calling you back to say,

"I love you." Very good. You win. It's not Lucy, it's Dad.

Dad? Dad?

You what?

What?

He wasn't doing wees.

MARTIN GROANS

Well, well, congratulations, Martin.

Ow, my bleeding back!

Let me guess, you tried to make a ladder by putting one dustbin

on top of another dustbin, then climbed up the dustbins

and fell off the dustbins?

Oh, shut up!

And here's your dinner.

J... Oh, Jackie!

And just so you know, I do not want another word out of you

about that bloody bag, do you hear me?

Yeah, uh, I think so, but I think there might be some...

..pie in my ear?

Ugh. Come on, boys.

CAR HORN HONKS

Oh, look, it's Auntie Val.

Woohoo, fame at last!

Auntie Val's a celebrity. Auntie!

Aww, my little Adam! Aww.

You remembered Oliver.

Of course I remembered Oliver.

Oh, God, what's happened to Martin?

Pie is in my ear. Huh?

Ignore him, Val.

Come inside.

Well, good work, Dad. Yes, sheer perfection.

Gits.

THEY LAUGH

Ooh, look. What?

There's a plastic bag in that tree. JACKIE SIGHS

Ah, my bloody back.

God, I wish I didn't have a body.

Er, I'm sure it can be arranged.

I can arrange it.

Argh.

So sorry.

Yes, so sorry.

Right! Wine.

See you, then. Die well. Wait, you prannies.

Now, listen.

In my shed is a rake.

If you attached the rake to the broom,

then that should be long enough to...

Repeatedly whack you in the face with it? Idiot.

No, we can fashion a device, get the bag down.

"Fashion a device"?

Dad, we don't care about your stupid bag.

Yeah! It's a BAG!

I know it's a bag,

but it's in a TREE!

It's a bag in a tree.

Very heavy sedation?

Boys, just leave him, will you?

Goodbye... Forever!

Oh. We mustn't forget to turn off the lights. Jackie?

Night, night, Martin.

But, Jackie...

JACKIE?

Shame we can't turn off his oxygen.

Boys, is your mum all right tonight?

Oh, she's fine, isn't she, Jonny?

Oh, fine.

Sorry again, love, for dropping round like this.

It's just, it's not every day you see your own name in print.

Er, no, it's not.

I got such a shock.

But a nice shock. Oh, I love him!

I love him!

And I love you too, Auntie. I really do. Aww.

And I was just telling your mum how proud

she must be to see you in that magazine.

Oh, she's very proud. Immensely proud.

And I think it's amazing you remembered seeing "Oliver"

with me, all those years ago, Adam.

Yes, that is amazing, isn't it?

You were only six.

Only six.

Although, come to think of it,

didn't your mum take you to see "Cats" when you were five?

Well, Adam?

Do you know? I really can't remember.

Oh, my God! Must dash.

Love you, Auntie. Goodbye.

OK. How insane is mum tonight?

Oh, definitely new world record.

Check he's still breathing? Go on.

Dad?

Of course. The rake.

And there she is. Yup.

Oi. Ready? Argh.

SMASHING AND CLATTERING

All right, Dad? Hello?

Little turds! What are you doing on the floor?

Yes, why are you on the floor, Father?

Well, help me up, then, will you? Certainly.

THEY HEAVE And here we go.

MARTIN GROANS

THUMPING

Buggers.

I thought you couldn't walk? What? I thought you couldn't walk?

I can't walk. Well, how did you get

all the way from the living room to the shed?

I crawled. BOTH: Crawled?!

Yeah.

Now, look, I've made the rake-broom device thingy.

The "rake-broom device thingy".

Yeah, we'll take it round the front

and get the bag out the tree.

Er, no, we won't. No, sir. Oh, God.

Why won't anyone bleeding help me tonight?

Cos it's an effing bag in an effing tree.

And it's an effing eyesore.

Wait! Maybe we could help him a little.

Really? Thank you!

That way we'll get to see him, you know.... What?

Crawl?

That's it, keep going.

Get off!

Faster! Faster!

Stop it, you shits.

Oh, crap, I've just put my hand in that bloody pie.

OK, then, here we go.

Uh-uh. I'm doing it, thank you.

You're doing it? You can't even stand up.

I'm doing it, all right?

It's my bag to get.

It's mine. All right.

HE GROANS

HE GRUNTS

Behold!

Our Lord has risen.

You cretin. Careful!

You think you can get away from me, do you?

He said, to a plastic bag!

Easy does it.

Easy does it. Eh?

You didn't reckon with me, did you?

Argh. The pie!

METAL CLANGS Oh, no.

GLASS SMASHES

Ah! Shit on it! Oh, my God.

Look at my car!

Look at my car!

Jonny, you dick.

Sorry, but that is classic. You bloody idiot.

Look what you've done.

Um, oops? Oops? Oops?

What is going on?

Look what he's done.

My whole window, smashed to pieces.

Is that a rake?

Um, a "rake-broom device thingy."

Huh? I didn't mean to, Jackie. It was the pie.

Can you believe him? Look at my car!

Look at it! Right.

You, Martin, are staying outside all night.

Outside? With no crumble.

No crumble?!

And you, Adam.

Well, it serves you right.

Sorry? Yeah, I've been talking to your mum,

and it DOES serve you right.

Oh, this is good.

Serves me right? Serves me right?

Ignore him, Val. I will, Jackie.

Don't you worry, I'll deal with it.

Deal with what? With what?

What?

You mention your father,

you mention your brother,

you even mention me, but do you mention your own mother?

Oh, my God! Please let me film this. Pissface!

I've told you, love, he doesn't care. He does not care!

He really doesn't. Jonny! Pusface!

So that's it, is it?

I've now got two mothers?

Two deranged, psychopath mothers?

Hey! Do you know what's even worse?

You can't even tell your mother you love her.

Oh, my God. Somebody shoot me right now.

Why can't you tell your wonderful mother you love her?

Jonny, please take me away in your rocket.

Oh, shut up, Adam.

I tell you, if my Spencer doesn't say he loves me

at least once a day, you know what I do?

Er, let me guess, you smack his bottom?

Yes, I smack his bottom.

Really? Yes.

I smack his bottom again and again

until he says "I love you, Mum." Well, that's certainly normal.

Auntie, I think you should smack Adam's bottom.

Oh, I'll smack his bottom, all right.

Ow. Get off!

Get off. No, go on, Val.

Yes, go on, Auntie. Say it.

Say it, then. Say what?

Say you love your mother.

Well, go on, Adam.

Say it. Oh, my God.

Insanity!

Insanity!

That's it, run away.

Go on.

That was amazing.

Oi!

HE SNORES

Well, this is fun.

Hmmm? Sitting in a freezing car with

a bloody snoring machine.

Terrific.

Here comes Crazy Mother Number Two.

Tell her you love her!

Yes. Don't crash on the way home.

So, what are you going to do about your stupid bag, then?

What? Oh, that. That's all sorted.

Sorted? But it's still up there.

Yeah, but don't worry, there's a plan.

Plan? Hello, all.

Jim.

Um, I was just passing,

and wondering how you're

getting on with the bag in the tree.

Um, there's a "plan", Jim.

There's a plan.

A plan? Come on, Milson.

Car ruined.

I've been racking my brain

trying to work out how that bag got up there in the first place.

Well, yes, Jim, it is a bit of a mystery.

The wind!

It fell from a helicopter?

Uhh.

Um, what's that thing?

That thing's "the plan".

Gotcha. Bingo!

Mazeltov.

£300 for a plastic bag?

Yeah, 300 lovely pounds.

You're an idiot, Martin. You know that? Yup.

I know I've slagged off your ridiculous spacesuit

all night, but...

You're freezing your bollocks off, and now you want to wear it?

Er, sort of.

Go on, Pusface. Oh, thanks.

Boys!

Um, what do you want me to do with it?

I'll have that, thank you.

That's right, Mr Bag.

I win. You lose. Ho-ho!

Done. Right.

If anyone wants me, I'll be having my crumble.

Well, at least someone's happy.

Hold on a minute.

Jonny?

Um, mate? You wouldn't mind putting this back up there, would you?

You want me to put it back up there?

Yeah.

I'll keep watch on Crazy Bag-man.

Actually, would you mind not putting it back up there?

Not putting it back up there?

Not putting it back up there?

Yeah.

Crimble crumble.

Crimble crumble.

PHONE RINGS

Pusface? Amazing.

OK, coming.

Um, Dad?

What?

Oh, my bloody, bollocking back.

Honestly, Dad, it's worth it, I swear.

Look. Oh, my God, What have you done?

You bastards! My coat!

My lovely coat!

Wait! Come back!

Come back!

Mum? What?

I love you.