Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,104 --> 00:00:02,105
[laughter]
2
00:00:02,140 --> 00:00:03,969
- You're being outsmarted by
a lock.
3
00:00:04,004 --> 00:00:05,281
- [chuckles]
4
00:00:05,315 --> 00:00:08,284
- Hey, let's just screw
in an alley as usual.
5
00:00:08,318 --> 00:00:09,664
Come on.
- No!
6
00:00:09,699 --> 00:00:11,804
Remember last time,
the raccoons got so angry.
7
00:00:11,839 --> 00:00:14,014
- Oh, they're just jealous.
8
00:00:14,048 --> 00:00:16,223
- Ta-da!
Hey!
9
00:00:16,257 --> 00:00:17,603
Ow!
10
00:00:17,638 --> 00:00:19,053
- Oh, shit.
You all right?
11
00:00:19,088 --> 00:00:21,228
- What happened to holding
a door open for a lady?
12
00:00:21,262 --> 00:00:23,609
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
You know what?
13
00:00:23,644 --> 00:00:26,923
No, I'll make it up to you
in other--other ways.
14
00:00:30,375 --> 00:00:32,204
Oh, the hair flip.
- [chuckles]
15
00:00:32,239 --> 00:00:34,551
- Mmm.
16
00:00:34,586 --> 00:00:38,210
[both moaning]
17
00:00:39,004 --> 00:00:40,868
[both yell]
18
00:00:40,902 --> 00:00:43,112
Ow.
You all right?
19
00:00:43,146 --> 00:00:44,837
Oh, boy.
20
00:00:44,872 --> 00:00:46,391
Ooh, my.
21
00:00:46,425 --> 00:00:49,704
Oh, you are very wet,
young lady.
22
00:00:49,739 --> 00:00:52,190
- Well,
I--you pissed yourself.
23
00:00:52,224 --> 00:00:54,847
- Oh man, Jim Brockmire.
24
00:00:54,882 --> 00:00:57,298
Well, a lot got on you.
25
00:00:57,333 --> 00:00:59,404
Hey, twinsies!
26
00:00:59,438 --> 00:01:01,406
We're piss twins!
27
00:01:01,440 --> 00:01:04,616
- Stop talking.
- [chuckles]
28
00:01:04,650 --> 00:01:07,550
[soft acoustic]
29
00:01:07,584 --> 00:01:09,414
- Now, uh, there's nothing
to be scared of.
30
00:01:09,448 --> 00:01:11,416
No one's in trouble.
31
00:01:11,450 --> 00:01:16,490
Now these affirm that
you are no longer involved
32
00:01:16,524 --> 00:01:18,802
in a sexual relationship.
33
00:01:22,047 --> 00:01:24,877
And should you
change your mind,
34
00:01:24,912 --> 00:01:28,881
here are forms that you must
turn in simultaneously,
35
00:01:28,916 --> 00:01:30,193
letting the league know
36
00:01:30,228 --> 00:01:32,506
that you have re-entered
a relationship.
37
00:01:32,540 --> 00:01:33,990
- That won't be necessary.
38
00:01:34,024 --> 00:01:35,957
- Yeah, no.
Those days are long over.
39
00:01:35,992 --> 00:01:37,131
- Great.
40
00:01:37,166 --> 00:01:39,202
Uh, lastly, all I need are
the declarations
41
00:01:39,237 --> 00:01:40,721
that I asked you to prepare
42
00:01:40,755 --> 00:01:43,172
regarding the length
of the relationship.
43
00:01:45,346 --> 00:01:46,968
- Oh, boy.
44
00:01:47,003 --> 00:01:49,799
I think I misunderstood
the assignment.
45
00:01:50,834 --> 00:01:54,562
- All we require is
a short statement
46
00:01:54,597 --> 00:01:56,875
as--as--as Ms. James wrote.
47
00:01:56,909 --> 00:01:58,808
Uh, "Jim and I dated
for five months
48
00:01:58,842 --> 00:02:01,742
in the spring and summer
of 2017."
49
00:02:02,467 --> 00:02:04,124
- Right.
50
00:02:04,158 --> 00:02:06,402
- I--you gave it a title?
- I did.
51
00:02:06,436 --> 00:02:09,094
- "Jim and Jules:
The Fuck Year"?
52
00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:10,130
- Yeah.
53
00:02:10,164 --> 00:02:11,959
Well, I was gonna call it
"Mein Rump,"
54
00:02:11,993 --> 00:02:15,204
but, uh, decided against
that one for obvious reasons.
55
00:02:15,238 --> 00:02:17,033
My hatred of puns.
56
00:02:17,067 --> 00:02:19,553
- You were blacked out when we
got kicked out of Waffle House.
57
00:02:19,587 --> 00:02:21,279
- Yeah, no, I pieced that
one together
58
00:02:21,313 --> 00:02:22,901
using primary sources.
59
00:02:22,935 --> 00:02:24,696
You know, it turns out
that back then,
60
00:02:24,730 --> 00:02:26,974
having public sex
in a diner booth
61
00:02:27,008 --> 00:02:28,907
was considered regional news.
62
00:02:28,941 --> 00:02:31,185
Yeah?
Simpler times.
63
00:02:31,220 --> 00:02:35,776
- Well, I guess this tome
very comprehensively
64
00:02:35,810 --> 00:02:37,502
fulfills the requirement.
65
00:02:37,536 --> 00:02:41,575
I just need to go make a copy.
66
00:02:41,609 --> 00:02:43,508
This may take a while.
67
00:02:43,542 --> 00:02:46,856
- Yeah, sorry.
68
00:02:46,890 --> 00:02:49,514
It's quite heavy,
so be careful.
69
00:02:49,548 --> 00:02:51,757
My only copy.
70
00:02:53,034 --> 00:02:54,657
[chuckles]
71
00:02:54,691 --> 00:02:56,072
- [chuckles]
72
00:02:56,106 --> 00:02:58,523
I can't believe you're
still obsessed with me.
73
00:02:58,557 --> 00:03:00,628
- What?
- This job is all a ruse
74
00:03:00,663 --> 00:03:02,389
for us to start dating again?
75
00:03:02,423 --> 00:03:03,838
- We're not talking
about dating.
76
00:03:03,873 --> 00:03:05,771
Haven't thought about dating
since I became a single parent.
77
00:03:05,806 --> 00:03:07,221
- Then why am I here?
78
00:03:07,256 --> 00:03:09,327
- Because you're the very best
at what you do, Jules.
79
00:03:09,361 --> 00:03:11,777
Every year,
the most exciting baseball team
80
00:03:11,812 --> 00:03:13,089
was whichever one
you were selling,
81
00:03:13,123 --> 00:03:14,918
except now I need you to sell
all of baseball
82
00:03:14,953 --> 00:03:17,542
'cause if we don't,
this sport's gonna die
83
00:03:17,576 --> 00:03:19,129
like an old white man
in an armchair.
84
00:03:19,164 --> 00:03:21,442
No one will notice
and no one will care.
85
00:03:21,477 --> 00:03:22,788
- For the record,
86
00:03:22,823 --> 00:03:24,514
saving baseball is
the only reason I'm here.
87
00:03:24,549 --> 00:03:25,722
- No, agreed.
That's all I want.
88
00:03:25,757 --> 00:03:26,999
Really.
89
00:03:27,034 --> 00:03:28,829
I mean, I'm nothing
if not professional.
90
00:03:28,863 --> 00:03:30,865
- You drew pornographic
diagrams of us having sex
91
00:03:30,900 --> 00:03:32,039
and submitted them to HR.
92
00:03:32,073 --> 00:03:33,385
- That was for my own
edification
93
00:03:33,420 --> 00:03:35,905
because the physics described
in the Waffle House booth
94
00:03:35,939 --> 00:03:38,287
just seemed impossible to me.
95
00:03:38,321 --> 00:03:42,808
♪
96
00:03:43,706 --> 00:03:45,984
[thudding]
97
00:03:56,270 --> 00:03:58,307
Jesus.
98
00:03:58,341 --> 00:03:59,860
Looking good.
99
00:03:59,894 --> 00:04:01,724
What'd you do,
sleep in my office?
100
00:04:01,758 --> 00:04:02,897
- Sleep?
[scoffs]
101
00:04:02,932 --> 00:04:04,830
I pulled an all-nighter.
102
00:04:04,865 --> 00:04:06,004
I thought about getting
some coke,
103
00:04:06,038 --> 00:04:07,281
but I just pounded
coffee instead.
104
00:04:07,316 --> 00:04:09,283
So now my stomach's a mess
and I'm pissing on stuff.
105
00:04:09,318 --> 00:04:11,803
- I'm glad your instinct was
to not do coke at work, Jules.
106
00:04:11,837 --> 00:04:14,081
- Say I wanted to do
some coke after work.
107
00:04:14,115 --> 00:04:17,118
Which one of these office
jockeys can make that happen?
108
00:04:17,153 --> 00:04:20,329
- How about you just pitch me
some baseball ideas, huh?
109
00:04:20,363 --> 00:04:21,813
- Oh, God.
My stomach.
110
00:04:21,847 --> 00:04:23,642
[sharp exhale]
111
00:04:23,677 --> 00:04:25,575
[sighs]
Okay.
112
00:04:25,610 --> 00:04:26,887
You ready?
113
00:04:26,921 --> 00:04:29,890
Here's how we get fans
back to baseball.
114
00:04:29,924 --> 00:04:32,306
First, shorten the game.
- Oh yes, please.
115
00:04:32,341 --> 00:04:34,377
I've been trying to get
the game down to three hours
116
00:04:34,412 --> 00:04:35,551
for years now.
117
00:04:35,585 --> 00:04:37,277
- Keep going.
Make it two-thirty.
118
00:04:37,311 --> 00:04:39,624
Robot umps,
shorten the pitch clock.
119
00:04:39,658 --> 00:04:41,177
- I love that.
120
00:04:41,211 --> 00:04:43,075
- Plus we make a rule
that only four pitchers
121
00:04:43,110 --> 00:04:44,491
can be active on each team,
122
00:04:44,525 --> 00:04:45,733
thereby eliminating
bull-penning.
123
00:04:45,768 --> 00:04:47,010
- That's genius.
124
00:04:47,045 --> 00:04:48,391
I never even heard
of that one before.
125
00:04:48,426 --> 00:04:49,461
- And here's the humdinger.
126
00:04:49,496 --> 00:04:52,430
We increase access to players
during the game
127
00:04:52,464 --> 00:04:55,985
through body cams, microphones,
live-streaming.
128
00:04:56,019 --> 00:04:57,642
We turn the players into stars
129
00:04:57,676 --> 00:04:59,816
by making the game
a living, breathing,
130
00:04:59,851 --> 00:05:01,956
visceral viewing experience
131
00:05:01,991 --> 00:05:05,132
where the fans are actually
in control.
132
00:05:05,166 --> 00:05:06,858
- Oh, my God.
That's fantastic.
133
00:05:06,892 --> 00:05:08,929
- I know, I know!
Right?
134
00:05:08,963 --> 00:05:10,482
- Great dreaming out loud
session,
135
00:05:10,517 --> 00:05:13,174
but, uh, we should probably
get back to work now.
136
00:05:15,142 --> 00:05:17,178
- What's wrong with my ideas?
137
00:05:17,213 --> 00:05:19,180
Sure, they would take
a little financial investment
138
00:05:19,215 --> 00:05:20,561
at the top, but--
- Ding, ding, ding.
139
00:05:20,596 --> 00:05:22,252
We have a winner.
140
00:05:22,287 --> 00:05:24,669
These guys aren't gonna spend a
dime to try to save this game.
141
00:05:24,703 --> 00:05:27,016
I mean, you remember 'em from
when you used to work for 'em.
142
00:05:27,050 --> 00:05:28,914
They're not like us,
these owners.
143
00:05:28,949 --> 00:05:31,400
They're--
- Aliens from Planet Money.
144
00:05:31,434 --> 00:05:32,677
- Exactly.
145
00:05:32,711 --> 00:05:34,748
They have absolutely no idea
why the average person
146
00:05:34,782 --> 00:05:36,646
likes or dislikes baseball.
147
00:05:36,681 --> 00:05:37,992
The only time they
ever speak to one
148
00:05:38,027 --> 00:05:39,546
is when the help talks back.
149
00:05:39,580 --> 00:05:41,720
They're never, ever gonna agree
to anything substantial.
150
00:05:41,755 --> 00:05:44,516
Believe me.
151
00:05:44,551 --> 00:05:46,069
- Then we need new owners.
152
00:05:47,416 --> 00:05:48,969
I'm gonna have to pull another
all-nighter,
153
00:05:49,003 --> 00:05:50,833
and I can't have
anymore coffee, so...
154
00:05:52,144 --> 00:05:54,284
- Liz seems to enjoy
the nightlife,
155
00:05:54,319 --> 00:05:56,356
but please,
not in front of the interns!
156
00:05:56,390 --> 00:05:59,013
Please!
Very impressionable.
157
00:06:00,567 --> 00:06:01,533
[sighs]
158
00:06:04,674 --> 00:06:07,712
[clamoring]
159
00:06:07,746 --> 00:06:09,403
- Ladies and gentlemen.
160
00:06:09,438 --> 00:06:11,094
[clamoring]
161
00:06:11,129 --> 00:06:12,993
Ladies and gentlemen!
162
00:06:13,027 --> 00:06:15,064
[clamoring stops]
163
00:06:15,098 --> 00:06:16,376
And by that,
I mean gentlemen.
164
00:06:16,410 --> 00:06:18,930
[chuckles]
I have an announcement.
165
00:06:18,964 --> 00:06:20,656
- Who'd you kill this time?
166
00:06:20,690 --> 00:06:21,967
[laughter]
167
00:06:22,002 --> 00:06:23,279
- All right, all right.
168
00:06:23,313 --> 00:06:25,385
Let's--let's listen
to what she has to say, huh?
169
00:06:25,419 --> 00:06:27,179
- I know that owning
a major league team
170
00:06:27,214 --> 00:06:28,526
has been frustrating lately,
171
00:06:28,560 --> 00:06:30,942
what with the value
of your clubs decreasing
172
00:06:30,976 --> 00:06:32,392
for the first time in history.
173
00:06:32,426 --> 00:06:34,670
- My brother pays convicts
a dollar a day
174
00:06:34,704 --> 00:06:36,637
to kill themselves
on an NFL field.
175
00:06:36,672 --> 00:06:40,192
Now, why can't we just
force people to play baseball?
176
00:06:40,227 --> 00:06:42,332
- A dollar a day?
He's spending too much.
177
00:06:42,367 --> 00:06:43,748
- Probably, yeah.
[laughter]
178
00:06:43,782 --> 00:06:46,889
- Buying a team was
the worst business decision
179
00:06:46,923 --> 00:06:49,443
I've ever made,
worse than buying NBC.
180
00:06:49,478 --> 00:06:51,238
Does anybody want NBC?
181
00:06:51,272 --> 00:06:53,413
I--I've paid down
a lot of the debt...
182
00:06:53,447 --> 00:06:54,966
- Actually, Leslie,
you're the reason
183
00:06:55,000 --> 00:06:56,070
we're all gathered
here today.
184
00:06:56,105 --> 00:06:57,278
I have an offer for your team,
185
00:06:57,313 --> 00:06:59,695
and it's way above
asking price.
186
00:06:59,729 --> 00:07:01,075
$1.5 billion.
187
00:07:01,110 --> 00:07:03,250
- I'll take it.
I'll take it right now.
Thank you.
188
00:07:03,284 --> 00:07:05,286
- Whoa, let's not get ahead
of ourselves, please.
189
00:07:05,321 --> 00:07:06,943
I mean, we still gotta do
our due diligence
190
00:07:06,978 --> 00:07:08,393
and vet this buyer, right?
191
00:07:08,428 --> 00:07:11,396
I mean, I got no idea
where his income comes from.
192
00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:14,261
- That's gonna be tough.
It's a very mysterious offer.
193
00:07:14,295 --> 00:07:16,815
Could be the Saudis,
could be the Russians,
194
00:07:16,850 --> 00:07:19,128
maybe a cartel.
195
00:07:19,162 --> 00:07:21,406
Who else can make
an all-cash offer?
196
00:07:21,441 --> 00:07:22,476
- Uh...
197
00:07:22,511 --> 00:07:23,995
- I know you're new here,
198
00:07:24,029 --> 00:07:25,341
but these are all
men of integrity.
199
00:07:25,375 --> 00:07:27,481
I mean, well, no one's
so desperate for cash
200
00:07:27,516 --> 00:07:31,209
that they're just gonna abandon
all of their moral obligations.
201
00:07:31,243 --> 00:07:34,419
- I have something difficult
to admit to everyone here.
202
00:07:34,454 --> 00:07:36,732
- Did you find out
you were a Jew?
203
00:07:36,766 --> 00:07:38,388
- No, something worse.
204
00:07:38,423 --> 00:07:41,184
This year,
I fell out of the "Forbes" list
205
00:07:41,219 --> 00:07:42,945
of richest men in America.
206
00:07:42,979 --> 00:07:44,636
- Oh, my God.
207
00:07:44,671 --> 00:07:46,466
- They wouldn't even let me
into the party.
208
00:07:46,500 --> 00:07:49,330
The 17-year-old Hungarian model
I was with, she laughed at me.
209
00:07:49,365 --> 00:07:51,160
I might have to sell
my son's zoo.
210
00:07:51,194 --> 00:07:54,059
They say he's on the spectrum.
211
00:07:54,094 --> 00:07:55,544
I just want to give him room
to run.
212
00:07:55,578 --> 00:07:57,235
- How much do you want
for the zoo?
213
00:07:57,269 --> 00:07:58,581
I'll make the kid run.
214
00:07:58,616 --> 00:08:00,238
- I'm pounding my desk
at home!
215
00:08:00,272 --> 00:08:02,482
Can you hear me?
That's my cell pound!
216
00:08:02,516 --> 00:08:04,380
Sell it, Leslie!
- I agree.
217
00:08:04,414 --> 00:08:06,865
None of us should have
to endure the indignities
218
00:08:06,900 --> 00:08:08,211
you've just described.
219
00:08:08,246 --> 00:08:10,351
A laughing woman?
- Good man.
220
00:08:10,386 --> 00:08:12,181
- Yeah.
All right.
221
00:08:12,215 --> 00:08:14,114
- Uh, Jules,
you seem lost in thought.
222
00:08:14,148 --> 00:08:16,530
- No, I just...
223
00:08:16,565 --> 00:08:18,946
if I can get $1.5 billion
for Leslie's mid-market team,
224
00:08:18,981 --> 00:08:21,397
I was just imagining what I
could get for other teams.
225
00:08:21,431 --> 00:08:24,124
I know--I know it's not
up to me.
226
00:08:24,158 --> 00:08:26,402
- Everybody here knows
I'm a righteous man.
227
00:08:26,436 --> 00:08:28,128
When I ran over
the neighborhood boy,
228
00:08:28,162 --> 00:08:30,233
I called my son-in-law,
I had him call my lawyer,
229
00:08:30,268 --> 00:08:32,512
and said, "I want this handled
in the most honorable way,
230
00:08:32,546 --> 00:08:35,307
so that there can be
no splash-back on me."
231
00:08:35,342 --> 00:08:37,171
- Of course.
Good, good.
232
00:08:37,206 --> 00:08:39,864
- So if selling my team
opens the money door
233
00:08:39,898 --> 00:08:42,349
for my fellow owners,
234
00:08:42,383 --> 00:08:43,937
I'm willing to make
the sacrifice.
235
00:08:45,594 --> 00:08:47,423
- Sell the team.
236
00:08:47,457 --> 00:08:50,840
all: Sell the team.
Sell the team.
237
00:08:50,875 --> 00:08:53,809
Sell the team.
Sell the team!
238
00:08:53,843 --> 00:08:56,812
Sell the team!
Sell the team!
239
00:08:56,846 --> 00:08:58,468
Sell the team!
240
00:08:58,503 --> 00:09:00,781
- Okay, ladies and gentlemen,
very exciting day for baseball
241
00:09:00,816 --> 00:09:03,681
as we announce the sale of one
of our most beloved teams.
242
00:09:03,715 --> 00:09:06,753
And I introduce to you
the newest voting member
243
00:09:06,787 --> 00:09:09,549
in our group of owners,
Chief Sango Whitehorse.
244
00:09:09,583 --> 00:09:10,964
Chief?
245
00:09:10,998 --> 00:09:12,413
[applause,
camera shutters click]
246
00:09:12,448 --> 00:09:14,346
- Thank you, Jim Brockmire.
247
00:09:14,381 --> 00:09:17,142
As you all know,
many Native nations
248
00:09:17,177 --> 00:09:20,076
have done very well
from Americans spending
249
00:09:20,111 --> 00:09:22,492
their Depression money
in our casinos.
250
00:09:22,527 --> 00:09:25,357
But we do not wish
to watch the country rot
251
00:09:25,392 --> 00:09:27,014
from our gilded
reservation towers.
252
00:09:27,049 --> 00:09:28,637
No!
253
00:09:28,671 --> 00:09:32,502
So a coalition of tribes has
decided to reinvest our income
254
00:09:32,537 --> 00:09:35,091
back into the great
American institution
255
00:09:35,126 --> 00:09:36,852
of baseball.
256
00:09:36,886 --> 00:09:39,130
- Hear, hear!
[applause]
257
00:09:39,164 --> 00:09:43,479
- A place that for too long
has been a bastion
258
00:09:43,513 --> 00:09:47,690
of unchecked racism towards
the native peoples.
259
00:09:47,725 --> 00:09:50,728
[camera shutters click]
260
00:09:50,762 --> 00:09:53,213
Till today.
261
00:09:53,247 --> 00:09:56,388
I am proud to announce
that from now on
262
00:09:56,423 --> 00:09:57,942
the Cleveland Indians
263
00:09:57,976 --> 00:10:02,118
will now be now be known
as the Cleveland Colonizers.
264
00:10:02,153 --> 00:10:05,466
[murmuring]
265
00:10:05,501 --> 00:10:07,434
- Easy now, because
we haven't even gotten
266
00:10:07,468 --> 00:10:09,781
to the really
offensive part yet.
267
00:10:10,679 --> 00:10:12,784
- Now with a new name,
well, we needed a new logo.
268
00:10:12,819 --> 00:10:14,406
To show our vision,
269
00:10:14,441 --> 00:10:16,892
we've partnered
with a true visionary.
270
00:10:16,926 --> 00:10:20,171
So please welcome
mogul designer,
271
00:10:20,205 --> 00:10:22,898
mayor of Tallahassee,
and owner of the Lakers,
272
00:10:22,932 --> 00:10:25,141
Sir Lil Diazepam.
273
00:10:25,176 --> 00:10:27,454
- Yeah.
[applause]
274
00:10:27,488 --> 00:10:29,801
Reveal it.
Go ahead.
275
00:10:29,836 --> 00:10:31,596
[gasping]
276
00:10:33,115 --> 00:10:34,357
- That's right, folks.
277
00:10:34,392 --> 00:10:35,565
That's a cartoon white man
278
00:10:35,600 --> 00:10:37,395
licking the blood off
a bayonet.
279
00:10:37,429 --> 00:10:39,984
And now you can feel free to
get as offended as you like.
280
00:10:40,018 --> 00:10:44,540
[clamoring, scattered applause]
281
00:10:45,437 --> 00:10:46,715
- Nicely done.
Nicely done.
282
00:10:53,204 --> 00:10:55,827
- Hey.
- Hey.
283
00:10:55,862 --> 00:10:57,587
- Would you look at this?
I can't believe this.
284
00:10:57,622 --> 00:11:00,314
We actually have people talking
about baseball again.
285
00:11:00,349 --> 00:11:01,937
God, this is fun.
286
00:11:01,971 --> 00:11:03,835
I mean, not so much fun
287
00:11:03,870 --> 00:11:05,768
that you should be
double-fisting at 10:00 a.m.
288
00:11:05,803 --> 00:11:07,701
- No, no, I was just deciding
which one to drink.
289
00:11:07,736 --> 00:11:09,254
- Right.
290
00:11:09,289 --> 00:11:10,911
- Both.
- Uh-huh.
291
00:11:10,946 --> 00:11:12,499
- [giggles]
292
00:11:14,156 --> 00:11:16,158
I forgot how good
a team we make.
293
00:11:16,192 --> 00:11:17,435
- [chuckles]
294
00:11:17,469 --> 00:11:19,609
- We rope-a-doped
those owners together.
295
00:11:19,644 --> 00:11:21,508
Surprised they weren't
more upset we tricked them.
296
00:11:21,542 --> 00:11:22,958
- They're pretty upset.
297
00:11:22,992 --> 00:11:24,062
You know,
I had to talk them down,
298
00:11:24,097 --> 00:11:25,719
but we're all good now.
299
00:11:25,754 --> 00:11:28,757
In fact, they wanted me to tell
you to keep up the good work.
300
00:11:30,206 --> 00:11:31,794
- We got away with it!
301
00:11:31,829 --> 00:11:33,623
- It kind of feels like
the old Morristown days,
302
00:11:33,658 --> 00:11:35,591
doesn't it?
- And this is only part one.
303
00:11:35,625 --> 00:11:37,558
First, we rattle the cages,
get the old owners scared,
304
00:11:37,593 --> 00:11:39,043
Next, we bring in new owners,
305
00:11:39,077 --> 00:11:41,528
only on the condition that they
agree to back all our changes.
306
00:11:41,562 --> 00:11:43,323
Boom!
307
00:11:43,357 --> 00:11:44,634
We got our voters' bloc.
308
00:11:44,669 --> 00:11:47,534
I've already got five
new buyers lined up.
309
00:11:47,568 --> 00:11:50,192
- Really?
How did you do that?
310
00:11:50,226 --> 00:11:51,745
- By showing them
you could come in
311
00:11:51,780 --> 00:11:53,195
and change a team name,
312
00:11:53,229 --> 00:11:55,542
and--and get a ton
of media attention.
313
00:11:55,576 --> 00:11:58,062
And I've got offers
on the Padres, Mariners, Rays.
314
00:11:58,096 --> 00:12:00,271
Bill Magorium wants to buy
the Yankees.
315
00:12:00,305 --> 00:12:01,790
- What is Magorium
like in person?
316
00:12:01,824 --> 00:12:04,620
- Damp.
- Right.
317
00:12:04,654 --> 00:12:07,485
Oh, I anticipated
this little problem.
318
00:12:07,519 --> 00:12:10,902
So I took the liberty
of procuring you a backup.
319
00:12:11,489 --> 00:12:13,284
- One bottle?
You know me better than that.
320
00:12:13,318 --> 00:12:14,699
- That's true, I do.
321
00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:16,390
My apologizes,
but, uh, well,
322
00:12:16,425 --> 00:12:18,738
I promise to make it up
to you in other ways.
323
00:12:18,772 --> 00:12:19,842
- Oh yeah?
324
00:12:19,877 --> 00:12:21,292
- Mm.
325
00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:25,261
Oh.
326
00:12:25,296 --> 00:12:27,160
Oh, Ju--
oh, okay.
327
00:12:27,194 --> 00:12:28,886
Oh, Jesus.
Oh, my goodness.
328
00:12:28,920 --> 00:12:31,267
Whoa!
HR!
329
00:12:31,302 --> 00:12:34,167
- Oh yeah,
you are no fun sober.
330
00:12:34,201 --> 00:12:36,031
- No, it's not sobriety,
Jules.
331
00:12:36,065 --> 00:12:37,515
We happen to be
at the office,
332
00:12:37,549 --> 00:12:40,345
and sex with you comes with
some complications for me.
333
00:12:40,380 --> 00:12:42,313
- All right,
save your speech.
334
00:12:42,347 --> 00:12:43,797
I just wanna make a stop
in Bonetown;
335
00:12:43,832 --> 00:12:45,316
I don't want to live there.
336
00:12:45,350 --> 00:12:46,835
- Well, I would.
That's the problem.
337
00:12:46,869 --> 00:12:49,458
See, you know,
there's nothing casual for me
338
00:12:49,492 --> 00:12:51,356
about casual sex with you.
339
00:12:51,391 --> 00:12:53,807
I--Jules, I'd get attached
and you wouldn't,
340
00:12:53,842 --> 00:12:56,776
and that's fine, but you know,
you're building something here.
341
00:12:56,810 --> 00:12:58,536
I don't want to mess that up.
- Boo!
342
00:12:58,570 --> 00:12:59,744
- I've screwed up your life
too many times.
343
00:12:59,779 --> 00:13:01,228
- I'm already over
this conversation.
344
00:13:01,263 --> 00:13:03,437
You're so sober!
345
00:13:03,472 --> 00:13:04,818
- You know, I like to think
that I've changed
346
00:13:04,853 --> 00:13:06,786
in some other ways
since we were together.
347
00:13:06,820 --> 00:13:07,752
- You got boring.
348
00:13:07,787 --> 00:13:09,236
- Jules, my boyfriend
just dropped off
349
00:13:09,271 --> 00:13:11,376
the eight-ball you ordered.
350
00:13:13,344 --> 00:13:15,242
For your billiard table.
351
00:13:15,277 --> 00:13:17,003
- Oh, very nice, Liz.
Very subtle.
352
00:13:17,037 --> 00:13:18,832
Liz, everybody!
353
00:13:18,867 --> 00:13:22,594
No clue she's referring
to drugs in the office.
354
00:13:22,629 --> 00:13:24,182
- It's a good thing
you're here.
355
00:13:24,217 --> 00:13:25,425
For a long time,
356
00:13:25,459 --> 00:13:27,116
I was embarrassed
to work in baseball.
357
00:13:27,151 --> 00:13:29,463
You know, my mom even called
to see if she could get herself
358
00:13:29,498 --> 00:13:31,120
a Colonizer jersey?
359
00:13:31,155 --> 00:13:33,813
- A good idea always has legs.
360
00:13:33,847 --> 00:13:36,229
Classic Jim to go in
and take all the credit.
361
00:13:36,263 --> 00:13:38,679
Now the owners think he...
362
00:13:38,714 --> 00:13:41,441
I would've liked a pat
on the back, at least.
363
00:13:41,475 --> 00:13:44,064
- Oh, you were not gonna get
a pat on the back from them.
364
00:13:44,099 --> 00:13:46,515
They hate you.
- What?
365
00:13:46,549 --> 00:13:49,311
[clamoring]
- Gentlemen?
366
00:13:49,345 --> 00:13:50,933
Gentlemen, hello.
367
00:13:50,968 --> 00:13:53,694
- She tricked us!
I want her burned!
368
00:13:53,729 --> 00:13:57,871
- Leslie,
I understand you're angry,
369
00:13:57,906 --> 00:14:00,770
but let's remember
that we're all gentlemen.
370
00:14:00,805 --> 00:14:03,843
I say we take her up
in a zeppelin,
371
00:14:03,877 --> 00:14:07,156
give her a nice dinner,
show her the view,
372
00:14:07,191 --> 00:14:11,160
and then durst her ass!
373
00:14:11,195 --> 00:14:12,679
- Yes!
- Easy, easy.
374
00:14:12,713 --> 00:14:16,234
Please, I understand
you're very consternated.
375
00:14:16,269 --> 00:14:19,651
Allow me to place your concerns
in their proper perspective.
376
00:14:19,686 --> 00:14:22,033
You are all getting hammered
to the point of desperation,
377
00:14:22,068 --> 00:14:23,897
and in that desperation,
378
00:14:23,932 --> 00:14:26,727
you turned to a man that you
fully didn't understand.
379
00:14:26,762 --> 00:14:28,833
Christopher Nolan
wrote those words,
380
00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:31,940
because only a mind as depraved
and annoying and weird as his
381
00:14:31,974 --> 00:14:35,046
could understand
a true agent of chaos,
382
00:14:35,081 --> 00:14:36,876
like myself.
383
00:14:36,910 --> 00:14:40,707
In other words,
if you fire Jules,
384
00:14:40,741 --> 00:14:46,092
I will destroy
your whole world!
385
00:14:46,126 --> 00:14:49,474
- World!
386
00:14:49,509 --> 00:14:51,200
Or something like that.
387
00:14:51,235 --> 00:14:54,203
- Are you saying Jim
went to bat for me?
388
00:14:54,238 --> 00:14:55,342
- You could say that.
389
00:14:55,377 --> 00:14:57,172
- I can't decide who's dumber.
390
00:14:57,206 --> 00:14:58,725
You, you, or you!
391
00:14:58,759 --> 00:15:01,245
Your family is nothing but
100 years of war profiteering,
392
00:15:01,279 --> 00:15:03,937
and 200 years
of cousin fucking!
393
00:15:03,972 --> 00:15:05,939
You strangled that stripper,
Freddie.
394
00:15:05,974 --> 00:15:06,871
You know you did.
395
00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:08,252
Sure,
it was international waters.
396
00:15:08,286 --> 00:15:09,943
Whoo!
397
00:15:09,978 --> 00:15:12,946
Your dad's your Uncle Steve
and your mom's your Aunt Susan.
398
00:15:12,981 --> 00:15:16,363
Your third wife is technically
your grandson, Leslie!
399
00:15:16,398 --> 00:15:18,193
I'm drawing a mustache
on your mustache.
400
00:15:18,227 --> 00:15:19,366
She's your wife,
your grandson,
401
00:15:19,401 --> 00:15:21,058
your wife,
your grandson.
402
00:15:21,092 --> 00:15:23,301
You made your four-year-old
daughter get lipo!
403
00:15:23,336 --> 00:15:24,647
Idiot!
404
00:15:24,682 --> 00:15:26,063
You killed
the last dolphin, Leslie.
405
00:15:26,097 --> 00:15:28,203
You paid to murder
the last dolphin!
406
00:15:28,237 --> 00:15:30,239
You paid for the privilege!
407
00:15:30,274 --> 00:15:32,276
So gentlemen,
in conclusion,
408
00:15:32,310 --> 00:15:34,174
you either keep Jules on
or I walk.
409
00:15:34,209 --> 00:15:37,660
Along with all your secrets,
nothing but time on my hands,
410
00:15:37,695 --> 00:15:39,593
and the ability
to attract attention
411
00:15:39,628 --> 00:15:41,975
like perhaps nobody else
in American history.
412
00:15:42,010 --> 00:15:43,977
I mean, the choice is yours,
really.
413
00:15:44,012 --> 00:15:46,462
You either let Jules
make you all a lot of money,
414
00:15:46,497 --> 00:15:50,294
or I burn your beds down while
you're still sleeping in them.
415
00:15:50,328 --> 00:15:52,986
[chuckles]
Oh, one more thing.
416
00:15:55,955 --> 00:15:58,302
[zip, urinates]
- Oh, Jim!
417
00:15:58,336 --> 00:16:00,235
- Oh, no!
- No, no.
418
00:16:00,821 --> 00:16:02,858
- Psssh!
Just super-soaked Freddie
419
00:16:02,892 --> 00:16:05,205
with all the liquids
inside of his body.
420
00:16:05,240 --> 00:16:06,655
The guy was drenched.
421
00:16:06,689 --> 00:16:08,070
I think in a show of dominance,
422
00:16:08,105 --> 00:16:10,866
and it worked
'cause Freddie just took it.
423
00:16:18,425 --> 00:16:20,841
- What do I look like?
A cake magician?
424
00:16:23,499 --> 00:16:25,329
- [clears throat]
425
00:16:25,363 --> 00:16:26,675
- Ooh, there's cake?
426
00:16:26,709 --> 00:16:29,781
- Mm-hmm.
There's a ton left too.
427
00:16:29,816 --> 00:16:33,199
[suspenseful music]
428
00:16:33,233 --> 00:16:40,171
♪
429
00:17:03,539 --> 00:17:05,714
[sniffs]
430
00:17:07,060 --> 00:17:09,200
[sighs]
431
00:17:19,969 --> 00:17:22,524
- Hey, you going uptown?
I'll, uh, I'll give you a ride.
432
00:17:22,558 --> 00:17:24,457
- Why'd you write,
"Letting Jules go
433
00:17:24,491 --> 00:17:26,493
"was the hardest thing
I ever had to do,
434
00:17:26,528 --> 00:17:28,771
but seeing her happy made
all my pain worth it"?
435
00:17:28,806 --> 00:17:31,050
- Oh, because first drafts
are always so on-the-nose,
436
00:17:31,084 --> 00:17:33,328
and I'm sorry if reading
that stupid thing
437
00:17:33,362 --> 00:17:34,605
made you relive everything.
438
00:17:34,639 --> 00:17:36,227
- What are you doing right now?
439
00:17:36,262 --> 00:17:38,057
- What--what do you mean?
440
00:17:38,091 --> 00:17:40,231
- You--you--you were
never nice to me.
441
00:17:40,266 --> 00:17:41,577
The whole time we were dating,
442
00:17:41,612 --> 00:17:44,028
you--you were fun
and interesting and dangerous,
443
00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:45,271
but never kind.
444
00:17:45,305 --> 00:17:46,548
- Yeah, I know.
445
00:17:46,582 --> 00:17:47,790
- And now you're sticking up
for me
446
00:17:47,825 --> 00:17:50,103
and--and writing
romantic epics?
447
00:17:50,138 --> 00:17:52,933
- Well, it's really more
of a pornographic memoir
448
00:17:52,968 --> 00:17:54,659
in the style
of Henry Miller, but..
449
00:17:54,694 --> 00:17:56,351
- What happened to
the Jim Brockmire
450
00:17:56,385 --> 00:17:58,905
who crawled out of my bed
just to stab me in the back?
451
00:17:58,939 --> 00:18:00,527
- Well, I guess that back then,
452
00:18:00,562 --> 00:18:02,840
I just didn't have the strength
to own my own feelings,
453
00:18:02,874 --> 00:18:05,118
so I tried to drown them all
in alcohol.
454
00:18:05,153 --> 00:18:07,569
The kindest path is always
the hardest one to walk.
455
00:18:07,603 --> 00:18:09,536
It really was Beth, you know?
456
00:18:09,571 --> 00:18:11,090
Raising her gave me
the strength
457
00:18:11,124 --> 00:18:14,058
to reach out to the world
with love.
458
00:18:14,093 --> 00:18:16,854
- I didn't know...
459
00:18:16,888 --> 00:18:19,132
that you'd ever be capable
of being this kind of man.
460
00:18:19,167 --> 00:18:21,134
- Well,
I know what's coming next.
461
00:18:21,169 --> 00:18:23,999
"I find it so boring that
I'm dry as a handblower,
462
00:18:24,033 --> 00:18:25,725
"and Jim and I are never, ever,
463
00:18:25,759 --> 00:18:27,140
ever getting back
together again."
464
00:18:27,175 --> 00:18:29,901
Any-hoodles,
would you like a ride?
465
00:18:29,936 --> 00:18:33,077
[anticipatory music]
466
00:18:33,112 --> 00:18:40,015
♪
467
00:18:40,809 --> 00:18:42,742
Is that a no?
468
00:18:42,776 --> 00:18:45,503
♪
469
00:18:45,538 --> 00:18:47,609
No idea what just happened.
470
00:19:09,217 --> 00:19:12,151
- Lamon, do I love Jim again?
- Yes.
471
00:19:12,185 --> 00:19:13,635
- Shit!
472
00:19:13,669 --> 00:19:15,637
- I know.
473
00:19:16,603 --> 00:19:18,122
- I have to go to him.
474
00:19:18,157 --> 00:19:20,711
- There's no rush.
You'll see him tomorrow.
475
00:19:20,745 --> 00:19:22,575
- No, when you realize
you love someone,
476
00:19:22,609 --> 00:19:23,852
you have to go tell them
right away.
477
00:19:23,886 --> 00:19:25,025
If you don't tell them
right away,
478
00:19:25,060 --> 00:19:26,372
then you've wasted
all this time
479
00:19:26,406 --> 00:19:28,546
that you could've been spending
with the person you love.
480
00:19:28,581 --> 00:19:30,859
- I just feel like
you've done a lot of cocaine.
481
00:19:30,893 --> 00:19:32,516
- This is not
the cocaine talking.
482
00:19:32,550 --> 00:19:34,863
Why do you always think
it's the cocaine?
483
00:19:34,897 --> 00:19:36,554
I have to go see Jim!
484
00:19:37,486 --> 00:19:39,937
By the way, set a reminder
for me buy more cocaine.
485
00:19:39,971 --> 00:19:42,629
- Do you really want to wear
that hat?
486
00:19:48,773 --> 00:19:50,223
- Can you see me?
487
00:19:50,258 --> 00:19:52,674
- Depends on your definition
of "see."
488
00:19:59,853 --> 00:20:02,822
[upbeat music]
489
00:20:02,856 --> 00:20:07,758
♪
490
00:20:07,792 --> 00:20:11,037
- ♪ People say we're crazy
491
00:20:11,071 --> 00:20:14,282
♪ Though we can have it all
492
00:20:14,316 --> 00:20:18,044
♪ But the higher
the monkey climbs ♪
493
00:20:18,078 --> 00:20:20,667
♪ The farther it falls
494
00:20:22,151 --> 00:20:24,395
♪ People say we're not one
495
00:20:24,430 --> 00:20:26,052
- ♪ Whoa, whoa
496
00:20:26,086 --> 00:20:27,674
- ♪ And we're making up
the rules ♪
497
00:20:27,709 --> 00:20:29,573
- ♪ Whoa
498
00:20:29,607 --> 00:20:31,678
- ♪ But we're tearing up
the mountain ♪
499
00:20:31,713 --> 00:20:33,232
- ♪ Whoa, whoa
500
00:20:33,266 --> 00:20:35,406
- ♪ And taking in the views
501
00:20:35,441 --> 00:20:37,236
- ♪ Whoa
all: ♪ Go
502
00:20:37,270 --> 00:20:40,860
- ♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
503
00:20:40,894 --> 00:20:44,622
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
504
00:20:44,657 --> 00:20:47,729
[door opens]
505
00:20:48,350 --> 00:20:49,593
- Oh, Jules.
506
00:20:49,627 --> 00:20:51,284
Hi!
507
00:20:51,319 --> 00:20:53,769
Jim said you two were working
together again.
508
00:20:53,804 --> 00:20:55,702
We just had sex,
so he's a little tuckered out,
509
00:20:55,737 --> 00:20:57,739
but I'll see
if I can razz him.
510
00:20:59,775 --> 00:21:02,191
Oh, my God.
511
00:21:02,226 --> 00:21:04,366
Are you here to say
you're in love with him?
512
00:21:07,335 --> 00:21:11,339
I've always had my fingers
crossed for you two!
513
00:21:11,373 --> 00:21:12,685
[squeals]
514
00:21:12,719 --> 00:21:14,549
Jim!
515
00:21:14,583 --> 00:21:16,792
Jules is here!
516
00:21:16,827 --> 00:21:19,312
Jim, wake up!
517
00:21:19,347 --> 00:21:20,727
Jim!
518
00:21:20,762 --> 00:21:22,798
Come on!
519
00:21:22,833 --> 00:21:25,353
[chuckles, squeals]
35383
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.