All language subtitles for The Story of Bean

I was asked
in my first term at Oxford

to do a sketch in this one-night show
at the Oxford Playhouse.

And I'd never written anything,

and I'm not really
naturally a writer.

So I just had to invent a sort of
five minutes of something

at 48 hours' notice.

'I just stood in front of the mirror

'and started to mess about
with my face, basically.

'And this strange, surreal,
non-speaking character evolved.'

- Name?
- Bean.

Mr. Bean is the name
given to the skin

that Rowan can put on to be funny.

You've got a character who is quite
intelligent and subversive,

but he's also one who looks odd

and behaves in an odd way
and has odd solutions to problems.

Mr. Bean is an anarchist,
unintentionally, I guess, though.

He's not trying to... create chaos

and he's just trying to make
his own life work.

You like-a try the house wine, sir?

Um, yes, please.

Mmm.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm driving.

He can be pretty mean and actually do
some truly unpleasant things.

He's just able to make something
out of nothing.

And his physical humor,
what he does with that face.

(Narrator) 'The story of Bean
is inextricably linked

'with the story of Rowan Atkinson.

'Although Mr. Bean
was only christened in 1989,

'Rowan has been developing
the character for most of his life.'

Whenever we try to think of Mr. Bean

and how he will react or would react
in certain situations

that we might put him in,

I imagine him as a nine-year-old boy,
that's how I always see him.

'They're sort of anarchists
at heart, really.

'And I think that's what Mr. Bean is,
he's an anarchist.

'He'll obey the rules
as long as they suit him.'

Three, four!

(Narrator) 'Atkinson was educated
at Durham Cathedral Choir School.

'He is still remembered
by his old headmaster, Canon Grove.'

I had a member of staff named
Cyril Watson who produced plays,

and one year he chose Saint Joan.

And it was obviously
a spark of genius on his part

to see that Rowan was
the perfect person for the Dauphin.

It was quite camp.

The first and possibly last time
I've played someone truly camp.

Shaw's own description

was that the Dauphin
was a pathetic little creature,

yet irrepressible
with a cheeky sense of humor

and always liable
to get his own way in the end.

And that could be
a sort of scenario for Mr. Bean.

What the hell
do you think you're doing?

Pinching my bottom
in a hospital queue!

The first impression he gave

was that he was
an extremely shy little boy.

'Though he did say
that he had begun his sort of career

'by being taken by the boys
down into the changing room

'and asked to make funny faces
for them.'

(Atkinson) 'I remember standing up
in the changing rooms at 10 or 11

'and putting on a performance.'

Right. Quiet, please.

Ainsley?

Babcock?

Bland?

Carthorse?

Dint?

Ellsworth-Beast Major?

I think it very likely that the funny
faces were myself and my colleagues.

Jones M, Orifice,
Sediment and Undermanager...

see me afterwards.

Most of you didn't
write nearly enough.

Dint, your answer was unreadable.
Put it away, Plectrum.

If I see it once more this period,
Plectrum,

I shall have to tweak you.

Don't sulk, boy, for God's sake.

Has Matron seen those boils?

Horrid little twerp.

(Atkinson) 'I assumed a habit
of making people laugh,

'but of course
that was pre-adolescence.'

Once adolescence set in,

I never really performed off-stage,
or off-screen, ever again.

It was only before
the self-consciousness set in.

'I think I was quite
sort of self-contained.

'Not, I hope, a loner.

'But sort of not really requiring
the constant company of my friends

'in order to enjoy myself.'

Ooh!

Look, it's me!

(Atkinson) 'My interest
in visual comedy

'was based on discovering a film
by Jacques Tati

'called Monsieur Hulot's Holiday,

'which I discovered
in the sixth form.

'I was the projectionist.
Myself and a friend were in charge.

'We could leaf through film catalogs

'and order whatever films
came into our minds.

'It just struck a chord with me,
I so admired it.'

It was a kind of
an uncompromising comic attitude

and setting that I really admired.

And... so that... but that was
only a filmic experience

which influenced me subliminally.

- Monsieur...
- Monsieur.

Huh? Comment?

- Permettez.
- Hulot.

It was something I forgot about

for the three years
I was at Newcastle University,

from where I went to
Oxford University.

'And it was there, really,
that it sort of returned.'

My background and my natural
inclinations were fairly northern,

and suddenly I was in this
very sort of cultured,

more sort of "southern" environment.

And I was working with, you know,
all my friends, if you like,

who were reading classics,
English and French literature.

I was the only one reading
Engineering Science.

When I first met him, he was nervous.

And, uh... he was odd.

There was a lot of nervousness
about being around women generally.

Which, of course,
is fantastically endearing.

- Ah, Lorraine.
- Morning, Robert.

Um...

What, uh... What do you do at nights?

I beg your pardon?

Do you, uh...

Do you eat at night?

Or... or what?

Well, as a rule, yes.

Aha! Ah, yes. Yes.

Well, ah...
Yes, well, I do, actually.

l-I quite often go to a pub
on my way home.

But tonight I thought I'd really
splash out on something a lot better.

- Go somewhere really nice.
- Ah.

- Would you like me to join you?
- No! No, no, no, no.

No, no. No, don't trouble yourself.
No, it'll be, uh... um...

Ah...

Yes. Yes. Yes! Yes, if that'd be OK.

(Narrator) 'In his very first term
at Oxford,

'Rowan had a fortuitous meeting
with a student comedy writer.'

I saw an advert
in the university newspaper saying

"We're thinking of getting
a comedy revue together,

"meetings at University College"
at a certain time.

I thought I'd beetle along,
I felt as though I had an interest.

And Richard was there.

Yes. Rowan and I met at a tiny
scriptwriters' conference

in a Don's room.

In the summer of 1976.

And I remember he was very bright,

very talkative, which I wasn't...

Cos he was very quiet.

He didn't say anything
for the entire two-hour meeting.

But he kind of made up for whatever
contribution was lacking from me.

And then, finally one day,
we were asked whether we had anything

we wanted to put into the revue
we were going to do.

And Ro stood up in the room

and performed these two sketches
he'd worked out.

Which were replete with
such flagrant genius.

It was the first time
we heard him speak.

They were completely wonderful.

(Narrator) 'The Oxford Playhouse
provided a showcase

'where Rowan performed
much of his early material

'with Richard as the straight man.'

At the center of the
Elizabethan world sits the king.

Upon the character of the king
depends the plot

and so there are
many different kinds of king.

The benign king.

The benign king
with a physical defect.

The benign king
with two physical defects.

The mad king.

(Narrator) 'Somebody who saw
one of these early shows

'was BBC producer John Lloyd.'

It was not like any revue
that I had ever seen,

partly because of
Richard Curtis' genius,

the lateral jumps it made
in terms of subject matter.

'It would always just start, often
very surreal and rather European,

'like strange
Czechoslovakian cartoons.'

Where this little man would come on

and be chased around the stage
by a spotlight,

with the music of a clarinet playing.

'It didn't obey any
rules of student sketch-writing.

'It wasn't like anything else.

'What we were all doing at the time
was Monty Python sketches.'

And very beguiling and odd.

And suddenly, this fantastically
rude vicar talking about blowjobs.

The young, attractive bride-to-be
came up to me after a service

and asked me just that question.

"Father, what is the
Church's attitude to fellatio?"

And I replied,
"Well, you know, Joanne,

"I'd like to tell you,

"but unfortunately,
I don't know what fellatio is."

And so she showed me.

And ever since, whenever anyone
has asked me the question,

"Father, what is the
Church's attitude to fellatio?"

I always reply,

"Well, you know,
I'd LIKE to tell you,

"but unfortunately,
I don't know what fellatio is."

The shows usually took the form of
something very visual, a mime thing.

The famous mime where he mimes
to a Beethoven piano sonata.

(Narrator) 'Another of Rowan's
long-term collaborators

'is composer Howard Goodall.'

He is very musical.

We've always done musical sketches
on the stage show,

so I'm more involved than musical
directors normally are

in a comedy show.

He did one as a concert pianist
playing Beethoven,

one as a conductor,
he did an AC/DC guitar mime

and he did a thing called "Drumming",
which we worked on together.

Well, I was friendly with
Richard Curtis,

and he was, in those days,
Rowan's straight man.

In fact, he was, as I later became,

the other person
in Rowan's one-man show.

Good evening and welcome...

There were a number of different
sketches and characters,

all of which had elements
of what later became Mr. Bean.

I can remember one when he was...

a sketch about someone
on his first date.

The first crucial step is having
arranged to pick up your date,

not to look like a complete idiot
when she opens the door.

Best to look as though your attention
has been momentarily distracted.

But when you do notice her,

it is vital to say how pretty
she's looking straight away.

But don't overdo it.

(Deayton) 'He's very, very careful
about everything he does.'

It'll be the same performance
every night,

but it was much more like
preparing a play.

And I think in that regard, he is
more like an actor than a comedian.

He'll spend a long time working out
the dynamics of a particular scene.

Once in the car,
there are various ways of driving.

If you drive like this...

...you... you might lose her respect.

If you drive like this...

I remember the TV show
called Canned Laughter,

which he did very shortly
after leaving Oxford.

And there,
if you look at the character,

you can see how
it's gradually forming.

Hi, Lorraine.

(Radio) 'He ties you up a lot? '

Oh, my God, look at the time. Ho!

Ho! Huh! Ho!

Cup, cup, cup...

Richard Curtis and I were writing
a full stage revue for Rowan

with lots of different sketches,

and we wrote a couple of
silent ones for him,

one of which was called "Cheating",
which I was particularly involved in.

And, well, you know,
we co-wrote the whole show.

And that later became
a Mr. Bean sketch.

It didn't change at all. We just
didn't call it Mr. Bean at the time.

I think what he did is take elements
of those different characters

and package them together.

That's probably how
Mr. Bean was born.

(Goodall) 'You're all about 22,

'you're touring with one of the great
comic geniuses of the century,

'and you're three friends.'

So how do you handle that?

The minute Rowan walks on,

he has 5,000 people
in the palm of his hand.

'It's an extraordinary gift.

'We don't discuss it much,
but it's happening.'

Ah, hello.
It's nice to see you all here.

Now, as the more perceptive of you
probably realize by now,

this is Hell.

And I am the Devil.

Good evening.

But you can call me Toby if you like.

We try to keep things informal here,

as well as infernal.

That's just a little joke of mine.

I tell it every time. Now...

Murderers.
Murderers over here, please.

Thank you.

Ah, looters and pillagers
over here...

Thieves, if you could join them.
And lawyers.

You're in that lot.

Villains are always more fun to play
than good guys.

That's a well-known fact.

And I enjoy characters...
who have a vindictiveness in them.

I always have done.
In the end, it's just more fun.

There was a very funny moment when
I sent him a script for The Tall Guy.

And the character
he eventually played

was at that point called
Rowan Atkinson, just as a joke.

And he rang me up and asked me
which part I wanted him to play.

Was somewhat based on his real-life
experiences with Richard Curtis,

who wrote The Tall Guy,
brilliant man that he is,

and funny script that it is.

Cos he played something of the
same part in Rowan's one-man show.

I think the rest of us
found it quite difficult

to adjust to him becoming
very famous very quickly

when we were still who we were.

This was way before Richard
had become a well-known writer.

So there was quite a lot of
adjustment to be done.

Especially for Rowan,
difficult to adjust to his friends

always wondering
if he'd buy the meal or not.

The only thing in which Ro
was naughty during the stage show

is he did have trouble describing it
as anything but a one-man show.

I remember saying to him once,

pointing at the poster which said
"Rowan Atkinson in his one-man show"

and saying, "Don't you think
that poster's slightly strange?"

And he said, "Oh, yes.

"That typeface should be in green
and not yellow."

I thought, "Well, I won't push it."

John Lloyd asked if I wanted to join
this team he was getting together

to do a new topical, satirical
comedy sketch show.

The BBC, who in those days were much
more paternal than they are now,

said to Rowan, "It would be better
with other people in the show.

"If you're good, you'll shine
and if not, they'll support you.

"You'll only have to do
a quarter of the work."

So I was at this crossroads,
really, and I had to choose

between doing a show on my own
or doing a show with three others.

And there was no doubt in my mind
which way to go.

Abou Ben Adhem.
May his tribe increase!

Awoke one night
from a deep dream of peace.

And saw, within the moonlight
in his room...

(Gibberish)

And to the presence in his room,
he said...

"What writest thou?"
The vision raised its head...

And with a look made of
all sweet accord, answered...

(Gibberish)

It was only rarely in
Not the Nine O'Clock News

that my special interest
in visual comedy

was ever allowed to burst through.

The rest of you will watch
a mime called,

and if there's any sniggering
there'll be trouble,

Alternative Car Park.

I said...

What do you think you're doing?

What?!

(Quietly) I'm the mime.

Well, why didn't you say so?

Right. Get on with the mime.

I... am a mime.

My body is my tool.

The ideas we had
for visual characters

were rather unfocused, let's say.

But the man who bumped into the tree

was a rare occasion
when it got through.

I remember Richard Curtis and Rowan
coming in very early on and saying,

"We've got this great, great script."

And it consisted of, it says

"Rowan is walking down the street
and he sees the camera

"and bumps into a lamppost."

And I turned over the page expecting
the great delivery of the line

and said, "What's the joke?"

He said, "It's really funny."

I said, "This isn't funny at all.
It's hopeless."

"Please, can we have two hours
with a camera?" I said, "Sure."

'They went off and shot it
and it was absolutely brilliant.'

It's that shock. You've been working
comedy for five, six, seven years,

and somebody comes along and says,
"There's another way of doing this."

Ahh!

He has not had to compromise.

He's done pretty much
exactly what he wants to.

His compromises have generally been
so as not to upset his mother.

You know,
not to say too many rude words.

It started off being
something completely different

about bicycle thieves
in north London.

And over time,
it developed into a medieval sitcom.

So, how it went down that road,
I don't know.

I seek information
about a wise woman.

(Gasps) The wise woman?
The wise woman?

Yes, the wise woman.

Two things, my lord,
must ye know of the wise woman.

- Yes?
- First...

She is... a woman!

And second...

She is...

Wise?

- You do know her, then?
- No...

Just a wild stab in the dark,

which is, incidentally,
what you'll get

if you don't start being helpful.

I delighted in Black Adder
and those very long, ornate things.

You know, "Baldrick, that's the most
disgusting thing I've seen..."

...since Cardinal Wolsey
got his knob out at Hampton Court...

and stood at the end of the passage
pretending to be a door.

(Laughing)

Oh, shut up.
You'd laugh at a Shakespeare comedy.

The Black Adders
were very complicated by the end,

it has to be said.

Because... there were...

you know, six or seven people
working in a room,

all of whom were capable on their own
of developing entire projects,

attempting to squeeze
all their creative energy

into a two-dimensional
situation comedy.

- Permission to sing boisterously.
- If you must.

# Row, row, row your punt

(Both) # Gently down the stream

# Belts off, trousers down

# Isn't life a scream #

Fabulous. University education,
you can't beat it, can you?

Bravo. Now, what have we here?

- Name?
- Baldrick, sir.

Oh, tally ho, yippity dap
and zing zang zbillip!

Looking forward to bullying off
for the final chukka?

Answer the General, Baldrick.

I can't answer him, sir.
I don't know what he's talking about.

Ah. Are you looking forward
to the big push?

No, sir, I'm absolutely terrified.

Ooh, the healthy humor
of the honest Tommy.

Aha! Don't worry, my boy.

If you should falter, remember that
Captain Darling and I are behind you.

About 35 miles behind you,
I would say.

There are two Rowan characters,
principally.

There's the absolute bastard who's
the schoolmaster or Black Adder,

and there's the funny,
wibbly little man.

(Exhaling)

(Inhaling deeply)

Who's an utter bastard as well.
They both are.

(Narrator) 'In 1989,

'after the consideration of
a long list of vegetables,

'the funny little wibbly man
was given the name of Mr. Bean.'

(Tires screech)

'Quite unexpectedly,
this unfashionably silent comedy

'was an immediate hit.

'One of the secrets
of the Bean visual humor

'is the careful and highly detailed
preparation that goes into filming.'

(Atkinson) 'I'm not at all sure
that I enjoy acting.

'Because I just find it
so worrying and difficult.

'I enjoy planning,
thinking about things

'and contributing to
the creation of things.'

The window down, a head emerging.

A nice entrance for yourself,
trying to get out of the train.

Almost without seeing
the window come down.

Just a sense of the grappling hand,
the hand coming out.

'Where's the knob? '

(Narrator) 'Each Bean moment
is meticulously choreographed.'

I suppose I'd see him that he arrives
in this shot already faltering.

Though we just get the sense,

not necessarily that he's
acknowledged his loss of ticket

in the opening shot,

but he could be looking for it.

'And he's still fairly confident.
Then, when we pick him up profile,

'he's starting to falter and
there's a bit more of the whole...

'"Oh, bloody hell,
I haven't got it."'

If this angle works best, lovely.

The change of direction, you see.

I'm always aware that
of any 10 suggestions,

three or four or five may be along
the same lines that he's thinking.

But I'm always unnerved that
on almost all the other occasions,

he's so far ahead
that I then have to choose between

open admiration
or very quick recovery.

Where I say, "Yes, I felt something
similar would do very well."

Then try and get to the cameraman
before he does.

(Atkinson) This bag could do with
being six inches longer.

- Six inches longer?
- Yeah, I think so.

How fast can you go?

(Rattling)

The corner of the bag
would go through and get stuck.

And then he'd think there's only
one way out - over the top.

(Narrator) 'The co-writer,
Robin Driscoll,

'collaborates with Rowan
on the improvisation of Bean.'

If you do a bit of a caterpillar
and you get up and you think,

"Freedom's inside."

Hooray!

One of the reasons
Mr. Bean has gone on

is because the process of
creating him is a lot of fun.

You think of any basic situation.
You're in a barbershop.

"Yes, this is a place
where people don't talk,

"I could do a Mr. Bean thing here."

(Phone)

Suzy?

Then you sit down at the computer

and think through
five things that might happen.

Sorry, look. Can I just leave Jamie
here with you for a moment?

I've left my purse in the shop.
Just give him a good haircut.

Be good, Jamie.

(Atkinson) 'Sorry to stop.'

But I've a feeling that
if this happened, that Bean would...

Well, normal people would say,

"Hang on, he'll be back
in a second and I'm first."

There'd be... because in the end,
the real barber's 10 yards that way.

So I'm not sure
he'd immediately presume

to take on the role of the barber,
unless he had an extra kick.

And maybe, actually,
Jamie says something like, "Come on!"

Would Jamie take his own cap off
and look at Bean?

So that we see you...
yeah, like that expectant thing.

And there's a kind of moment
between the two of you.

Yes, that might be quite good.

Yes, yes, that's quite good, yes.

Exactly. Good.
That might be all I need.

(# Suspenseful film music)

(Blood-curdling scream)

I like Mr. Bean, mainly because
he's got a bit of a rubber face.

(Woman on PA)
'Blue, three and two, 32.

'And blue, three and five, 35.

'Blue, three and seven, 37.

'White, six oh, 60.

'Yellow, two and five, 25.

'White, five and four, 54.

'Yellow, two and three, 23.'

'Green, any way around, 69.'

(Gulping) Bingo!

He puts peas,
mushy peas up the turkey's bum.

And then he puts it up with the hand
he's got his watch on.

And when it comes out, you realize
he's not wearing his watch.

The turkey on his head!

And when his girlfriend comes,
they find out.

Oh!

Are you all right in there?

(Muffled) I'm fine, thank you!

But I reckon he's a bit gormless.

(# Disco)

'Good evening. Call it Beanomania.'

'And now again, here's Mr. Bean! '

(Speaking Spanish) '... Mr. Bean.'

(Speaking French) '... Mr. Bean.'

Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Mr. Bean.

(Audience applause)

(Narrator) 'Uninhibited
by a language barrier,

'Mr. Bean has become
a truly global success

'and is now watched
in over 100 countries.

'The character was always
meant to be international.

'The inspiration came to Rowan
while on holiday in Italy.'

I remember strolling through Venice
and seeing all these souvenir stores

selling posters of George Michael
and Phil Collins

and Duran Duran,
I think, at the time.

And thinking,
well, there you go, you know.

Englishmen all,

but hordes of Norwegians
are very keen to buy posters of them.

'Why does comedy not have
an international dimension? '

(Narrator) 'With Mr. Bean,

'Rowan has discovered
that international dimension.'

'I've never been to Canada.
It's absolutely splendid.'

(Narrator) 'Bean is not quite into
sex, drugs and rock and roll.

'But the Bean videos have sold
in record-breaking quantities.

'And Rowan is now as well-paid
as a major rock star.

'All this on the back of only
14 Mr. Bean half-hour episodes.'

I certainly never wanted pop star
recognition and accoutrements.

We did experience it once
in Amsterdam,

when I went as Mr. Bean
to sign some videos.

'And there was this near riot and
I had to be smuggled out the back.'

It was most peculiar,

when you get a sense of what
it must be like to be Madonna.

But I have to say, it was
an experience I didn't enjoy at all.

(Narrator) 'But despite
this extraordinary success,

'Rowan was keen for a new challenge.

'Bean, the Movie offered a whole new
set of possibilities.

'And in 1996,
it went into production.'

Reset!

(Man) 'The Grierson Gallery
of California needs a representative.

'They are looking for a scholar
of a very high standing.'

I have therefore decided
to recommend for the post

and the three months' sabbatical
that goes with it,

that splendid employee...

Mr. Bean.

(Excited chatter)

- Excellent.
- All those in favor?

- (All) Yes!
- Excellent. Carried.

'Our loss is America's gain.'

(Narrator) 'Ludicrously nominated as
the National Gallery representative,

'the funny little wibbly man
finally arrives in America.'

He gets a bit of a warm reception
at Los Angeles airport

and immediately gets on
the wrong side of the police.

Move, move, move!

Police! Everyone on the floor! Now!

Not you, sweetie.

(Multiple triggers being cocked)

The structure and narrative
of a film, to make it a success,

has got to be so different to that of
a half-hour television program.

It is a huge leap to make.

And if we were going to
go through all the effort and torment

of making that leap
and trying to make it work,

it seemed logical to try something
different with the character.

Which goes back to the idea of trying
to explore more facets of Bean

than we had been able to do
on television.

Just because it's a film, we mustn't
allow ourselves not to put in

straight, funny, visual sequences.

So we've had about eight days
of rehearsal,

where we go to a room and three of us
just fool around with basic ideas.

Mr. Bean on the plane,
Mr. Bean with a pair of wet trousers,

Mr. Bean in bed, you know,
and stuff like that.

(Curtis) 'And a lot of the
funniest things in the final movie

'well, I suspect, come from those
genuinely amusing occasions,

'rather than sitting alone in one's
room typing speeches for people.'

(Man) That's fantastic...

Lean away from it...

(All laughing)

(Narrator) 'Rowan has
always been more comfortable

'working within
a close circle of collaborators.

'And Mel Smith,
director of The Tall Guy

'and co-star of
Not the Nine O'Clock News,

'was an obvious choice
to direct the Bean movie.'

In the TV programs,

there were no real consequences
to what he does.

There are consequences
in the short-term,

within the 10-minute sketch,
to the people in the vicinity.

The interesting thing about doing a
film is there are real consequences.

What he does impacts on other people.

Are you feeling lucky, punk?

Here? In our house? For two months?

Whoa, David. What, suddenly
there's no hotels in Los Angeles?

OK, no need to get excited.

I just thought this is the National
Gallery of England's top man,

he'd be very exciting to have around,
to learn from, to talk to...

So do we know anything about him?

No, but they might have said
if he was a notorious serial killer.

He's a genius, huh?

That's what they tell me.

Well, he looks like
a fruitcake to me.

The comedy is so simple, you know.

It is so accessible.

It's so manifest, really, to anybody.

Some people who prefer a bit more
intellectual content

are probably disappointed
by most Mr. Bean sketches.

And may, therefore,
be disappointed by the film, but I...

But that doesn't worry me so much.

I enjoy the simplicity of him
and his comedy.

And the sort of
universal identification, I think,

that people throughout the world
seem to feel for the character.

Wake up. Wake up!

I don't know what to say about Bean.

He's clearly a force 10
disaster area,

but... God help me... I like him.

(Whirring)

Ahhh!

Quite a lot of Bean is very extreme.

But quite a lot of the stuff
I like the most

is when he's just
sitting in a chair...

in a dentist's waiting room,
with nothing much going on.

Just watching him
and how he bides his time

always amuses me greatly.

(Turns on suction)

I think Mr. Bean is, um...
is Rowan Atkinson.

I mean, I've sort of seen him
be that person in his own life.

So I think they're not
that far apart.

If you're going to
present a situation visually,

I think the character,

or the personality you create
in order to present visual comedy,

comes from very deep within you.

It's very identifiable
as a part of you.

'Which leads to my theory
that you have only one

'truly good and convincing
visual comedy character within you.

'Nobody has more than one.'

(Gasping for breath)

(Sighing)

Oh!

Ah.

(Mumbled quick counting)

Oh.

I sometimes speculate about
where I'd be now

if I hadn't decided
to take that plunge

and write to those agents
and take it seriously.

And whether I'd be in some small
research laboratory near Swindon

doing amateur dramatics
every three months.

And I'm sure I would be
enjoying it greatly.