All language subtitles for The Conners s02e17_English

Okay, Grandma Bev's flight
landed two hours ago.

We can't just wish this away.
Someone's got to go get her.

You're making too big
a deal out of this.

She's just gonna
catch a cab,

and all we have to do
is turn off all the lights,

duck beneath
the windowsills,

and remain motionless
for several days.

My dad will go.

Mary.
What?

This morning, you said,

"They'll probably
make me pick up Bev."

[ Chuckles ]
No, I didn't.

Yes, you did.

Right before you said
you hope you outlast everybody

so you can pull
all the plugs.

Dan: Hmm.

Hey, why don't I go
pick up Bev?

I suppose you all forgot
to pick me up.

I was a 94-year-old woman
alone at the airport.

I had to take a rideshare.

I could have been dragged
into a sex-trafficking ring!

Well, if anything's gonna
put an end to sex trafficking,

that's it.

Hi, Nana Bev.

Ah!

That's a fun
cactus shirt.

Thank you,
sweetheart.

Yeah,
you picked something

that inflicts pain
when you touch it.

That makes sense.

Nana!

Harris.

Well, this has been
a nice visit.

Now that we're
all caught up,

DJ will take you back
to the airport.

Oh, it seems
you're all too busy

to hear about
the large sum of money

I intend to give away.

[ Laughs ]

Nice try, Nana Bev.

This is obviously a ploy
to make us be nice to you.

We all know you don't
control your money.

Darlene's got
power of attorney.

You can't fool us,
you old bat.

Actually, I've already
submitted legal papers

to remove Darlene

and regain my control
over my own finances.

[ Sarcastically ] Oh, no.

Now what will take up
all of my spare time

and cause my family
to resent me?

Anyway, I intend to be
very generous.

You know, Nana,
the bat is considered

the wise old owl of
the flying rodent kingdom.

No. It's not.

While I was in Arizona,

I realized what really matters
in this world -- family --

the people I've loved so dearly
and for so long.

You have
another family?

Oh, Danny.
[ Laughs ]

I just don't want to die

with sacks of money
under the bed.

I want to use it all now
to spread happiness.

Well, you've been doing it
the other way for so long,

you might as well
try this.

I want to invest
in the future of this family --

the children.

And when I say children,
I mean Mark.

Just Mark?

I was away for months,

and I never heard
a peep from any of you,

except Mark.

Mark has been
writing me letters twice a week.

What a suck-up.

I would have
written you a letter

if I knew
you'd give me money.

Look, I-I'm glad
you're giving it to Mark,

but what about
the other kids?

I don't mean to make
a big deal about this,

but I can
tell you now, um...

Beverly Rose said
her first word the other day.

It was...

"I love Nana Bev."

Really?
I barely know her.

Mark is getting money
because he's been accepted into

"Camp of the Future."

[ Scattered applause ]

Oh, well, that's great.

Is there anything else
I don't know?

Are you married?
You got kids?

I didn't tell you
because I knew

you couldn't afford to
send me.

It's a coding camp
at Northwestern.

Mark worked hard to get
himself into that camp,

and I'm going to give him
$5,000 to cover his tuition.

Wow! Thank you!

This is completely
unfair, Nana.

Oh, you'll be fine.

You have a pretty face
and a nice shape.

If you learn to
talk a little less,

you'll land a man
who'll take care of you.

Well, that's
a bunch of crap.

Mark's gonna land a man
before I ever do.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

"The Conners" is recorded

in front of
a live studio audience.

[ Laughing ]
Hey, can I talk to you

for a moment?
Uh -- Uh...

Look,
I do really appreciate

that you gave Mark
the money,

but I want to talk to you
about Harris.

Oh, I know
all about Harris.

She lost her job,

and then her friend,
the Weed Hoe,

threw her out,

and now she's sweeping up
bits of skin

at a seedy tattoo parlor.

It's not seedy.

It's at the farthest end
of the strip mall

next to Massage Envy.

And this is more than
just a job for Harris.

I mean, the artist there
says she has talent

and she would do great
in tattoo school.

Tattoos?

You don't need school
for that.

All you need is
a drunken sailor

and something sharp
to poke him with.

I think it would be fair
if you gave both kids $5,000.

I've seen your accounts.
I know you have it.

It's my money.

$5,000
or nothing at all.

Fine. Have it your way.
$5,000 for each.

[ Scoffs ]

It's not a Bugs Bunny
cartoon, Darlene.

Alright, uh, if you can only
give it to one, then...

I mean, I guess you should
give it to Harris.

Tattooing
is a real career.

She could make,
like, $100,000 a year

and have her own business
someday.

Mark's only 12,
and he's got time.

Harris really needs
the help right now.

Well, I suppose
if she can make

a real living with this,

I have to
think about it.

I appreciate that.

Truth be told,
I have a small tattoo.

I got it the day
the Japanese surrendered.

I can't show you

because nowadays,
it's considered "racist."

But you might see it

if I ever need help
getting off the pot.

♪♪

So, Anne-Marie says
I gotta take the probiotics.

Now, a month ago, she was riding
me to finish my antibiotics.

I wish she'd make up
her damn mind.

That's why we stay single,
right, Dan?

We take what pills we want to
when we want to.

He's single
because he wants to be.

You're single because
all the women in the world

had a meeting.

[ Chuck laughs ]

So, uh, any word
from Louise, Dan?

She's on tour.
That's all I know.

Man, I'd love to
catch her band sometime.

She's playing two nights
in Springfield,

then she hits Peoria
for a day,

Champaign
for a college gig,

and that's where
they're putting "Proud Mary"

back in the set list.

I thought you unfollowed her
on Instagram when she left.

I tried,
but I'm no good at that.

I ended up following
six more Louises.

Oh, this Louise
is redoing her kitchen.

She decided on this gray tile
that looks like wood.

Ah.

That does
warm up the space.

So, which is
the real Louise?

Wow!
You let her get away?

You? Her?

This woman's beautiful.

This is the kind of photo
the uggos post online

to catfish hotties like me.

She's not just good-lookin',
she's a great person.

Unfortunately,
it didn't work out.

I'm okay with that.

I'm fine on my own.

Old men don't do well
on their own, Dan.

All I'm saying is
I've seen you with Louise, Dan.

You guys are #couplegoals.

Well, uh, I don't know
what the hell that means,

but I think I know
what Dan's problem is.

I think he's afraid of being
disappointing in the sack.

[ Groans ]

I don't think
there's a problem there.

My mom and dad had a very active
and unnaturally loud sex life.

This is not --
This is different.

Your dad was with your mom
for 45 years.

It's got to be a little scary
starting up with someone new.

Oh, don't worry, Dan.

There's less pressure
these days.

Women know what they want
and how to get it.

I've been asked to step out
of the room multiple times.

♪♪

[ Sighs ]

What are you doing here?

I had to see the drain
my money went down.

Was this really worth
breaking up the family for?

Well, I was hoping it
would break up the family,

but here you are.

Hi, Nana Bev.
Here's some tea.
Ah.

So, they've got you
working here, too?

Well,
I like helping out.

Oh, I want to
show you this brochure

for the coding camp.

When we're finished,

we'll have our own app
and video game.

That sounds lovely.

[ Chuckles ]

But you shouldn't
get ahead of yourself.

What do you mean?

You should know
your mother asked me

to give your money
to Harris.

What?

Why would she do that?

She feels that Harris
needs it more.

She's very emphatic.

That's not fair.

Well, that's between you
and your mother, isn't it?

I got to go.

No one's taken my order,
and I'm starving.

Do you mind
if I have your pickle?

Oh, it's a Dill.
[ Chuckles ]

I prefer
a Bread and Butter.

You can have it back.

[ Door slams ]

Hey, Mark.
Who makes a better cover --

stabby meth lady
or heroin Easter bunny?

Nana Bev told me
that you asked her

to give my camp money
to Harris.

Oh, my God.

I can't believe her.

No, look, I told her
to give both of you money,

and she said only one of you
could get it.

A-And Harris is really
struggling lately.

Oh, really?
I hadn't heard.

It's just the only thing
you ever talk about!

You're such a sucker
for all her BS.

W-Wait. I understand why
you're mad, honey, okay?

But this is a really critical
moment for Harris.

She's finally figured out

what she wants to do
with her life

after being lost
for so long.

O-Okay, let me make sure
I understand.

I came to you saying
all I ever hear is,

"Poor Harris,
poor Harris."

And you defended yourself
by saying, "Poor Harris."

Okay, yeah,
I just heard it.

Uh-huh.

But you know what?

Maybe you can go
next summer.

I can save a little,

and I-I bet they have
scholarships.

You're so smart
and talented,

I am sure
that you'll qualify.

You always say
that I'm so smart and talented

and that things
will work out.

What if they don't?

You never think about me.

Oh, Mark,
of course I do.

Harris doesn't even
need tattoo school.

Tell her to make
more pot cookies.

Then she can go to prison

and learn how
to make tattoos there.

You don't go to prison
for weed anymore, idiot.

What's your problem?

Mom told Nana Bev
to give you my money.

Really?
Aw, thanks, Mom.

I'm used to not getting
things I deserve,

but this is the first time
I've had something

and you've taken it away.

♪♪

You know, you've been
out here working on that bike

since 1988.

Is it ever
gonna be done?

It's not about finishing,

it's about the zen of --
Oh, how should I put this? --

not talking to you guys.

DJ told us you left
the poker game last night

because the guys
were going on

about you...

having sex with Louise.

If I had done paper
instead of scissors,

Darlene would be here.

[ Can tab pops ]

It wasn't about...that.

That's not why I left.

Oh, thank God.

So, what's going on?

The guys were talking
about how bad I screwed up,

and they're right.

I miss her, okay?
I miss Louise.

That's not a bad thing.

Yes, it is,

because every time
I think about

the things I'd be doing
with her --

going to concerts,
bowling a few games --

anything fun,

I feel guilty because
I was supposed to be
doing that with your mom.

So, you're worried that
Mom is somehow watching you,

and if she sees you
happy with someone else,

she'll be angry
or something?

'Cause she'd
want you to be happy.

Oh, no, no, no.

She made it very clear
that if she went first,

she wanted me to be miserable
for the rest of my life.

Well, that does
sound like her.

She's here.

A paint can?

That's not Mom.

Mom's more of a
[Knocks on wall]

shovel-to-the-head
kind of gal.

[ Sighs ]

I thought it'd be easier
as time went on.

It's not.

Yeah, I get it.

I went through something
like this after I lost Mark.

Right now, you think
Mom's not really dead,

she's just not here,

and she might walk through
that door any time.

You're afraid that
if you commit to Louise,

you'll be admitting
that Mom's gone forever.

I know she's gone forever.

Why don't you find out where
Louise's band is playing

and go see her?

[ Sighs ]
I messed up pretty bad.

I'm not even sure
she'd want to see me.

[ Scoffs ] You know,
maybe she misses you, too.

There's only one way
to know for sure.

[ Screwdriver clangs ]

Well, I do know
where she is.

Along with
six other Louises.

Hey, one of them
has a taco stand

I might hit up
on the way out.

♪♪

Reporter:
...with a few sunny breaks...

Why is my bag
sitting on the porch?

It wouldn't fit
in the fireplace.

What did I do now?

[ Scoffs ] You threw me
under the bus with Mark.

Why would you tell him
about our conversation?

I thought he deserved
to know.

[ Scoffs ] I-I can't
believe I trusted you

to keep this between us.

God, it's so easy
to be taken in by you

when you're not wearing
your Dalmatian puppy coat.

I trusted you first.

You knew I didn't want
the Lunch Box to go to Jackie,

and you gave it to her
anyway.

Oh, my God.

So you told Mark
just to punish me?

Did you ever stop
to think for one second

what that might do
to him?

There's no reason
for hysterics.

[ Chuckles ]

After all that,

you're still giving
the money to Mark?

Of course.

I know which horse
to put my money on,

and it's not the horse
tattooing other horses.

So you made Mark hate me,

and then after getting
Harris' hopes up,

I have to break
her heart?

[ Chuckles ]
Well, clearly

you've handled
the situation poorly.

Get out of my house!

You don't have
a house, Darlene.

It's Dan's house.

And I won't leave
until Dan tells me to.

Dan,
here's what happened.

Get out.

What's up?

Oh, can everyone
sit down for a moment?

There's something I need to
discuss with all of you.

I am thinking of settling
the score with Grandma Bev.

I'm in.
I'll get the shovel.

Alright, I still have
her power of attorney

until Monday morning.

So I'm gonna pull $5,000
out of this account

and give it to Harris.

All I need to do
is click this button.

Am I doing the right thing?

Absolutely not.

There's no reason
to stop at $5,000.

Clean her out.

No. I'm just taking enough
to make this right.

Let's make it so right
she's got newspaper shoes.

Hey, criminal masterminds.
Keep your voices down.

Why are we ripping off
Nana Bev?

Because she was never
gonna give you the money.

It was always going to Mark.

[ Sighs ] Wow.

I'm just evening
things up.

Well, I appreciate
the sentiment,

but it's not worth
going to jail for.

You are a little small
for women's prison.

Yeah. They would pass me around
like a bag of popcorn.

But it's just not fair
the way she treated you.

I mean, she deserves
to be punished.

We need to be above this.

Two wrongs
don't make a right.

Don't listen to her.
She's a child!

She doesn't understand
how the world works.

Eye for an eye.

Hit the button,
Darlene!

Hey, no,
no, no, no.

I'm not gonna do that.

I want her to know
that I forgive her.

She's my Nana.

I wanna become her friend,
earn her trust.

And then, once she leaves me
everything in her will,

I'll take her for
a stroll in her wheelchair.

And as I slowly push her
into Lake Michigan,

I'll whisper that her wheelchair
backpack is filled with bricks.

Harris, you're mad,

and you're not
thinking clearly.

You don't need to work
that hard. She can't swim.

♪♪

Hey.
How was Model UN?

It's hopeless,
even on a model level.

I have something for you.

Oh, great!
I hope Harris likes it!

Just look at it.

I thought Harris
was getting the money.

Nana Bev was always
gonna give it to you.

She was just mad at me,

and you got caught
in the middle.

So nothing for Harris?

Poor Harris.

Now I'm saying it.

See? It comes
very naturally.

Listen, I heard
what you said earlier,

and you're right.

You know,
you're doing so great

that that's probably why

I don't pay enough attention
to you all the time.

So, if you could
jack a car

or rob a liquor store
or something,

remind me you're around.

Super funny, Mom.

I really am proud of you,
you know,

for getting in that camp
and for how hard you work.

I never mean to
take that for granted.

[ Freezer door closes ]
I'm sorry.

Hey.

Can I get a hug?

I'm not going to
hold a grudge

because that's not healthy,

but I'll hug you
when I'm ready.

♪ To you only ♪

♪ Honey, you ♪

♪ Are my shining star ♪

♪ Don't you go away ♪

♪♪

♪ Not now, baby ♪

♪ Wanna be ♪

♪ Right here where you are ♪

♪ Till my dying day ♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

Thank you!

Good night!

Can I help you?

Yeah, I-I know Louise.
I'd like to say hi.

Yeah, alright.

And since my
great-granddaughter forgave me,

I told her
I would support her

by patronizing
your tattoo parlor.

[ Chuckles ]
We're besties now.

So what are you
looking for, Bev?

I have an old tattoo,

and I've been embarrassed by it
for many years now,

and I hope to make it
less offensive.

Oh. Ooh!
That is offensive.

Is there any way

we can turn the soldier
into Kenny G

and the rifle
into an alto sax?

I adore Kenny G.