All language subtitles for Modern.Family.S01E09.HDTV.480p x264-BoB

Do we know anything?

Oh, no. They're in there now
with the doctor.

We're lucky, though.

The paramedics said
it could've been a lot worse.

My God,
how did this even happen?

There he is.
Big day's coming up.

What do you want
for your birthday, big dog?

It's okay.
I'm good.

Come on.
The sky's the limit.

Dream big, my boy.

- Well, I guess I could use a belt.
- A belt?

Yeah, you're right.
I don't need it.

An extension cord
works pretty good.

Every year, Luke's birthday

falls right around
Thanksgiving,

and so it gets lost
in the holiday shuffle.

Yeah, one year
we forgot completely,

and we had to improvise
a cake out of stuffing.

Which, by the way,
he was fine with.

He's one of those kids,
you get him a gift,

and all he wants to do
is play with the box.

Yeah, one year we actually
just got him a box--

a really nice box.

And we made the mistake
of putting it in a gift bag.

So he played
with the gift bag.

- W-we can't get it right.
- No.

I feel terrible.
We got to do something.

Oh, yeah.

Um, well, you know,
the family

is gonna be together
for Thanksgiving

for the first time in, I don't
even know how long, so--

I am so with you--
we should blow this out

and throw Luke the best
birthday party of all time.

Yes, yes, and we'll order
a whole bunch of pizzas,

and-- and-- and set up
an arts-and-crafts table.

- A what?
- Yeah, a crafts table.

You know, everybody gathers
around, and they make stuff,

and, then, bam, they got
their own party favor.

Sorry, I fell asleep

while you were describing
the most boring party ever.

Ow!

See you
in a few hours.

Yeah. Thanks again
for the karaoke machine.

I'll get it back to you
right after the party.

That'd be great.

Please don't.
I beg you. Don't.

Don't bring it back.

Hey, Phil, are you getting
a clown for today?

Oh, no, Luke--
Luke's not much of a clown fan.

- Really?
- Yeah, he never liked them.

Has he ever seen
a good one?

Has-- has anyone?

Really? So, anyway,
thanks again.

Okay, yeah,
see you later.

No clown?
No-- no clown?

Let it go.

Who throws a party
without a clown?

Since the late '30s,
I'd say most people.

You know what? We haven't
gotten Luke a present yet.

Maybe a clown
could be our present.

Cameron, Cameron,
if Phil and Claire

wanted to get Luke a clown,
they would've.

This is not our party.

- But--
- This is not our party.

But-- fine.

What would you suggest
we get him, then?

Get him a gift card.

- A gift card?
- Yeah.

Who hurt you?

Hey, Gloria,
you got any idea

how to wrap one
of these things?

Is that a crossbow?

Yeah. Am I the greatest grandpa
in the world or what?

We can't give Luke
a crossbow.

He pokes himself in the eye
every time he uses a straw.

Are you kidding?
I had one when I was his age.

My dad used to give me a quarter
for every crow I bagged.

And I used to have a machete,
but times have changed.

He'll be fine.
I'll teach him how to use it.

Hey, pal.
How's it going?

- Am I charming?
- Oh, boy.

Of course you're charming.
Who said you were not charming?

No one, but there is
a girl in my school,

and I want her
to like me.

I need your advice, Jay.

Really?

She's gonna be
at Luke's party.

Well, I'm... a little thrown.

I mean, you don't usually
come to me for advice.

Well, this is one area in which
you've done pretty well.

He has a point.

I've tried everything
to get her attention--

Opening doors, having a milk
sent over in the cafeteria.

Nothing has worked.

Here's the deal.

Girls don't go
for all that romantic stuff.

They go for power
and success.

And since you don't have
either one of those things,

you're gonna be
the funny guy.

No, no,
no, no, no.

I-I want the most dangerous
reptile you've got.

I have an iguana
that eats crickets.

That'd be scary if it was
a birthday party for crickets.

Seriously, Jungle Tanya,

I need you to step it up
a notch.

Is there anything that scares
the cocoa out of you?

Uh, not really.

I do have
a bearded dragon.

- Ooh. Does it--
- No, it does not breathe fire.

Well, then, we're back
to square one, aren't we?

I couldn't get Luke
out of my mind.

I know I made a promise
to Mitchell,

but some things
are bigger than promises.

Fizbo would be
at that party.

Hello, old friend.

It all happened
so fast.

I keep thinking there was
something I could've done.

Oh, don't blame yourself.

Who could have
possibly seen it coming?

Sweetie,
t-that's a rock wall.

Is that even safe?
Oh, my God.

Honey, relax.

Hey, has anyone ever gotten hurt
on one of these things?

I don't know, man.
It's my first day.

See? They wouldn't let the new
guy do it if it weren't--

- That did not make me feel better.
- Don't worry, I signed

like a hundred releases.

When did we decide all this?
I-I think it's too much.

See, I knew you'd say that.
That's why I didn't tell you.

So just relax.
Grab a snow cone.

- There's a snow-cone machine?
- Yeah.

Mom, just so you know,
Dylan cannot have mayonnaise.

That's random.
Why are you telling me that?

Uh, 'cause he's coming
to the party.

Is that
absolutely necessary?

Yes, because she can't go
10 minutes

without her boyfriend's tongue
in her mouth.

It's like he's feeding
a baby bird.

Don't be so jealous.

I'm sure you'll meet someone
super hot at computer camp.

- Girls.
- Hey, hey.

So, what you got there?

Oh, these are supplies
for the crafts table.

I finally figured out
what we're gonna be making.

Kids bored?

I'm teasing.
I'm teasing.

It looks good.
What-- what is it?

Comb sheaths.

I know, I know.

But we made them
when I was 11 years old

at Donna Rigby's
birthday party.

At first, we thought
it was really stupid,

and then we had
a blast, so...

How could you not?

You combined the two things
that kids love the most--

Combs and sheaths.

I'm kidding!

Where's my comb?

Oh, here it is,

in my incredibly convenient
beaded comb sheath

that I made at Luke's
awesome birthday party.

Hole in one, Mrs. Dunphy.
Hole in one.

I'm home.

I got Luke a video game,
but it's about math,

so... guess we're
those kind of uncles.

Cam?

Don't be mad.

Oh... Cam, I...

I've known I wanted
to be a clown

since I found out clowns
were just people with makeup.

Um, as a matter of fact,
by the time I was a teenager,

if I wasn't in school
or fishin', I was clownin'.

There are four types
of clowns--

A tramp, an auguste,
a whiteface, and a character.

I am a classically trained
auguste clown named Fizbo.

- What?
- N-nothing.

Between the clownin'
and the-- the fishin',

I'm surprised you had time
for the schoolin'.

Oh, and there's the fifth type,
the sad clown.

The sad clown
is a tramp.

So there's still
only four types.

Okay.

Cam, I thought
we discussed this.

We did,
but I-I started thinking.

And this isn't
about you or me.

This is about a little boy
who deserves some happiness.

And he's gonna get that
from his weird gay-clown uncle?

Fizbo is not gay,
he's asexual.

- Ah.
- H-he's an innocent whose only drive

is to bring people joy and
laughter and balloon animals.

He's-- he's the least
sexual being on Earth.

Oh.

Oh, okay, we, at least
we agree on something, yeah.

If this tape
is found in the future,

this is how we humans
celebrated birthdays.

Hey, Dad!

Yeah, there's my boy,

zip line extreme--
Oh!

Ugh!

I'm okay. I'm good.

I'm good. Lesson learned.

Don't stand--
Don't stand there.

Let's go ahead
and rope this area off.

Excellent. Thank you.

Hey, buddy.
You having fun?

Yeah,
and I love my new belt.

Hey, Luke!

Luke, do you want to make
a comb sheath?

A what?

It's a cool leather holder
for your comb.

And you can decorate it.

I've got beads and--
and glitter

and-- and all kinds of stuff.

Do you want to?

Nah, I'm gonna do
the rock wall.

Okay, honey,
it's your day.

Honey, let me know
if you get low on supplies.

I'll make a quick run
back to the 1950s for you.

Aah!

Again?!

Seriously, zip-line guys,
just some ropes.

Did you remember to switch
the whites to the dryer?

Oh, no, I forgot.

They're gonna smell musty.

I know. I'm sorry.

- I'll pump.
- No, no, no, I'll do it.

You just stay right here
and relax.

Oh, I get it. You're worried
about people seeing me.

Without question.

You know,
people are gonna stare.

They're not used to seeing
one clown in a car.

That's her--
Bianca Douglas.

She's so cute.

Yeah, and she has
good handwriting.

She's the complete package.
Wish me luck.

You don't need luck.

You just remember those jokes
I told you, hmm?

- We have to stop meeting like this.
- What?

- We go to school together.
- Oh, yeah.

Do you like jokes?

Sure.

Great. Okay.

So, a grasshopper named Gary
walks into a bar.

Oh, no. You're not supposed
to know his name.

Let me try another one,
okay?

- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?

- Interrupting cow.
- Interrupting cow who?

Moo.

Oh, crap.

- Um, hey.
- Hey, yourself.

Move.

You kind of just bumped me
with your car.

I don't think so.

No, no, you did,
because, um,

see, yeah,
I got grease on my pants,

and then also I felt it.

Call an ambulance.

Okay, I just thought
you might want to know

in case you wanted to be
a decent human being

and apologize,
but... no? Okay.

Ass.

What did you say?

Just forget
about it, all right?

Listen, carrot top,
I didn't touch you,

so do the smart thing--

Shut your hole, get in your car,
and drive away.

Is there a problem here?

What the hell are you?

I'm the ass-kicking clown

that'll twist you
like a balloon animal.

I will beat your head
against this bumper

until the airbags deploy,

so apologize
to my boyfriend right now!

Apologize--
boyfriend?

Apologize!

Okay. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Let's go.
We're gonna be late.

Mind if I come in?

- Sure.
- All right.

Come here.

Why you bounce
so sad?

I told all my jokes.

It turns out
I'm not the funny guy.

The right girl will find you
when it's time,

even though I'm gonna hate
losing you to another woman.

You'll never lose me, Mom.

I'll always love you,
no matter what.

Oh.

You see right there?
You need no tricks.

Just be the sweet, wonderful
little boy that you are.

Sweet little boy--
Got it.

She won't know
what hit her.

Hey, Manny, want to make
a sweet comb sheath?

Could not be a worse time,
Claire.

Oh.

It's so peaceful and quiet
over here.

Ha ha.

If you came over here to gloat,
I already know it's a dud.

Actually, I came
to give you this.

It's your
favorite flavor--

Blue.

Thanks, honey.

And your hair
looks really nice.

Mm, thanks.
I've been combing it all day.

All right,
let's all give Luke a big hand

for being so brave.

It feels so weird.
What does it eat?

Oh, just little-boy brains.

Well, at least luke's
got nothing to worry about.

Is there mayo
in this?

No, you're good.

Um, so, I was thinking that
maybe we could go slip away.

So, does anyone want
to pet the iguana?

Hells, yes.
Oh, man.

I love lizards.

What's his name?

Her name is Lizzy.

Wow.
I totally get that.

You don't deserve this.

What?

Hot reptile chick,

you know,
probably has her own apartment,

obviously okay
touching gross stuff.

- They're just talking.
- You're right.

Dylan's far too sophisticated
to get sucked in by

a single lady
with tons of cool tattoos.

Hey.

- I think it peed on me.
- Oh, no.

No way,
mother nature.

I can't believe
he does that.

Hey, what am I missing,
guys?

Aw, geez, Gloria.

Jay, look!
I go high!

Look, look!

Hey, guys, hit the road.

Come on, you're family men.
Come on, scat.

Great job, buddy.

Now comes the fun part.
Rappel down.

It's really high.

You have nothing to fear
but fear itself...

and the concrete,
but I'm right here, buddy.

Okay, just catch me.

I am brave.

Roller coasters?
Love them.

Scary movies? I've seen
"Ghostbusters" like seven times.

I regularly drive
through neighborhoods

that have only recently
been gentrified.

So, yeah, I'm pretty much
not afraid of anything...

Hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, everybody!

Quit your clowning around.

That's my job!

Except clowns.

Never shared that with the fam,
so

I do have an image
to maintain.

I am not really sure
where the fear comes from.

My mother says it's because,
when I was a kid,

I found a dead clown
in the woods, but who knows?

Hey! Oh!

Well, you must be
the birthday boy.

Wow.
Is that you, Uncle Cam?

Well, no,
I'm Fizbo the Clown.

I don't know
who this "Uncle Cam" is.

But he sure sounds handsome,
doesn't he?

- Hey, who likes balloon animals?
- I do! I do!

It's just Cam.

It's just Cam.

You all right?

What? Yeah.

No, I just have
kind of a...

complicated relationship
with clowns.

Oh, well,
join the club.

Look, I came on strong
with that whole funny-guy bit.

This is me
just being myself.

Okay. Hey, do you know
who that boy is over there?

Oh. That's Dylan.

He's Haley's boyfriend.

He's so cute and tall.

I'm still growing.
Give me a break.

Pardon me, miss, but this
little doggy needs a new home.

Oh, thank you.

That's quite an impressive getup
you got there.

Well, thank you, Jay.

Oh, by the way, you have
something on your shoulder.

That's good.

Never mind.
It was nothing.

Yeah, we're done here.

So, do you keep these at,
like, a zoo or something?

No, I just keep them
at my place.

That's awesome.

I only have a cat.

Yeah?

I used to have a cat.

I was just messing
with you before,

but, seriously,
he's still talking to her?

On it.

You know,
this is one of--

I feel like Britney Spears.

You're so funny.

You kinda do look like
Britney Spears.

- Oh really?
- I was kidding.

Um, anyway,
this is probably my favourite.

Hey, Jungle Lady,

I think-- I think
one of your bugs got out.

What? This one?

This box thing here--
It's on its side, empty.

- Oh, my God, where did it go?
- Is everything okay?

No, I lost a poisonous scorpion,
and I need to find it.

Okay, kids, um, let's all tuck
our pants into our socks,

avoid shady, moist places,

and let's make a game
of looking where we step.

- Is he okay?
- Can we see him?

He's in with the doctor
right now.

These things happen,
right,

no matter how careful
you are?

Hey, look what Grandpa
gave me-- a crossbow.

Sweetie,
that does not look safe.

Don't worry. He's gonna
show me how to use it.

Yeah, that's
what I'm afraid of.

Come on, you ready?

Oh, my God, you are not
making comb sheaths.

I am, and I know.

It's really lame.
Everybody hates it.

No, it's just like, uh,
Donna Rigby's party.

Exactly, yes, and it has
the beads and everything.

Oh, amazing.
This is awesome.

Wow.
So, Cam's a clown.

- I got you!
- Yeah.

- I totally got you!
- And there's mine.

Do think it's weird
that we both chose people

- who are so--
- Uninhibited?

I was gonna say embarrassing,
but, yeah.

Look at them, though.
They're the life of the party.

- Oh yeah.
- You know, I got to say,

for all his craziness,
I love my clown.

Me too.
They're good for us.

I would've totally tanked
this party.

Oh, and I would've gotten
my butt kicked at a gas station.

Sorry?

It turns out Fizbo
is a real badass.

Aah! Aah! Scorpion!

Scorpion! Scorpion!

Scorpion!

Scorpion!

No, no. Too close.
Too close.

Too close.

What the hell? Oh!

Oh, crap!

Oh, my God!

Bianca, I'm coming.

Who else is in there?
Get out!

Aaaahh!

It turns out I'm not
the sweet guy or the funny guy.

No, manny,
don't go in, por favor!

I must!

I'm coming!

Manny Delgado
is a man of action.

Wait.

My dog--
It's still in there.

I'll be right back.

Ow! My arm!

Sweetie? Luke?

What--
what happened, buddy?

What happened?
What happened, honey?

Hey, hey, hey, hey,
what happened?

I slipped
on these stupid beads.

Oops.

- Come on, here we go.
- Ow!

How is he?

Oh, he's gonna be fine.

Hi, honey. Hey, Manny.
How are you, kid?

- Oh, there he is.
- Uh-oh, there he is.

Poor thing!

Wow, everybody's here.

Of course we are.
How's that busted flipper?

- Okay.
- Sorry about today, buddy.

- We'll try again next year, huh?
- Are you kidding?

This was
the best birthday ever.

What?

I got a cast.

You like
the cast?

I've always wanted one.

After a few weeks,
they start to smell.

You are so weird.
You know that?

- Can I sign it?
- Sure.

Hey, me first.

Okay.

If you'd asked me
before the party

if I wanted there to be
a chain reaction of disasters

that led to Luke
breaking his arm,

I probably
would've said no.

Probably?

Prob-- definit-- Definitely not,
would not want that.

But one way or another,

Luke was the center
of attention on his birthday,

and the whole family
was together,

just the way
it should be.

Fizbo delivery!
I brought the cake!

I can't do this.

Okay, I'm out.

Cake!

Blow-- blow the candle,
Luke. Blow the candle.

Bianca Douglas called me
three times tonight.

I'm not gonna lie to you.

I'm starting
to feel smothered.

I really like my cast,
but it's starting to itch.

Good thing my mom made me
this personal scratcher.

Oh, that's good stuff.

If another woman
is messing with your man,

you have to get proactive.

I don't care
how pretty she is

or how many stupid reptiles
she has,

she tries to take
what's mine,

girlfriend's gonna
get stung.

Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com