All language subtitles for Modern Family s11e17e18_English

[ Birds chirping ]

Ah. [ Sighs ]

Listen to those birds.

Mm.

I love it out here.
It's so peaceful.

We should have
done this months ago.

I'm gonna go for a run.

Okay. Let's justmake sure it's safe.

Okay.

[ Whispering ]
Okay, now! Go now!

Phil: Four days ago,

Claire and I moved out here
to the driveway.

The house exceeded
maximum capacity

when Alex
moved back home.

She quit her fancy job

for something low-paying
and ethical!

Yay.

Between her, Luke, Dylan,Haley, and the twins,

things have devolvedinto total chaos.

[ Pounding on door ]Alex! Open up!

My hair is drying,
and I haven't put
any product in yet.

Alex: [ Scoffs ]
Go use Dad's!

Ugh! Can I get like
two minutes to myself?!

Phil: Oh, my God!

[ Babies crying ]Hey!

You woke up the babies,
you idiot!

Luke: [ Sighs ]Dylan: Haley!

[ Scoffs ]
Great, now he'sup.

Darn it, Luke.
That was my foot!

Who made macaroni and cheese
and left it out?

Sorry, Mrs. D.That was me and Luke.

But in our defense,
we were high

and got spooked byyour German dishwasher.[ Door opens, closes ]

Well, now the entire kitchen
is covered with ants,

and so am I.

God, I got to
take a shower.

Well, good luck with that.
No more hot water.

Yep! Gonna lose
a toenail.

There goes sandal season!

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♪♪

[ Door opens ][ Gasps ] Oh.

Mitchell: Do you love it?

Oh, my God!You've gotten so much done.

Well, I wanted to finish it
before the housewarming.

It looks so good.

Thank you!
I swear it's this place.

It -- It makes me
better at things.

I -- Yesterday,
I threw my T-shirt

at the laundry basket,
yelled, "Money!"

and it almost went in.

It's been a weirdand wonderful month.

We adopted a baby boy.

Yeah, and we moved
into a new home,

which we love so much,

we named our son
after our street.

Rexford.Rex Tucker-Pritchett.

With a name like that,
he can be anything he wants --

a quarterback, a running back,
a middle linebacker.

Oh, he --
he's got big feet.

Maybe he could be
a kicker.

Why don't you believe
in him, Mitchell?

[ Scoffs ]
This is crazy!

We're out of everything!

Is that the last
of the cereal?

Oh, we haven't had
cereal in days.

This is formula
over croutons.

They're grrrrrross!

Ooh, coffee dust.

Ew!

Don't -- Don't judge me!

You've been wearing
bathing suits for underwear

since the washing machine
broke.

I wish I hada clean bathing suit.

I had to cut leg holes
into a shower cap.

Do I have coffee
in my teeth?

Mm.
Arvin wants to meet

before I sign the contract,
for some reason.

Ooh.

I bet I know
the reason why.

'Cause he wants
to get with you.

No, he does not.
He's about to be my boss.

Which is why he wantsto talk before you sign.

Nowadays, you get in troublefor dating at work

unless it's a pre-existingrelationship.

I know this becauseI had to go to an HR thing

thanks to some
smoking-hot janitor

who can't takea compliment. [ Scoffs ]

Married mother of two,
and you are insane.

Eh.

Arvin doesn't see me
that way.

[ Scoffs ]

I mean, d-does he,
do you think?

Yes!

He gets all nervous

and yammerywhen he's around you.

How do you stillnot know you're a babe?

Well, I mean, you did call me
a frumpy nerd for 20 years.

Well, I didn't stopbecause I got nicer.

Who ate all the formula
and croutons?

Where are Mom and Dad?
We need food.

[ Sniffs ]
Wait. What's that smell?

Phil!

Bacon?They're gonna smell that.

Oh, my God!
I didn't think about that!

Quick! Eat it!

Ow! Worth it.

Ow! Worth it.

Hey! They have food!

And coffee.
Are you guys living in here?

Mom, I need to borrow
some underwear. [ Sighs ]

[ Door closes ]

It's not my fault.
I tried to stop him.

Stop who?
What happened?

[ Gasps ]

Ay, your hair!
Where is it?!

Dad took me
to his barber.

It was so cool!

Have you heard of
Playboy?

I'm going to kill him!

It gets worse.

He went rogue on Mitch and Cam's
housewarming gift.

So, he didn't buythe coffee table book

about Los Angelesthrough the decades?

Jay: Check this out!

Oh, my God![ Laughs ] See?

You don't get
that reaction

from a picture
of a dusty guy

picking oranges
on Sunset Boulevard.

That's the ugliest thingI've ever seen.

But I like my hair!

No, not you, sweetie.You're perfect.

And no womanwill ever deserve you.

Hey, I don't know
if you journal,

but you might want to
dog-ear today's page

for your
future therapist.

Jay, you can't be buyinghome décor things for gays.

Mitch and Cam aregoing to hate this thing!

No, they won't.

The guys
are gonna love it.

Just like Joe
loves his haircut.[ Sighs ] Ay.

Everybody's gonna thinkthat he has lice.

I hope not.

Bad hygiene is
one of Miss September's

three biggest turn-offs.

[ Sighs ]

Mitchell!

I love this house!

Do you love it?
Say you love it.

I do. I love it.

I love the flow.
Ah!

I love the lights.
I love the location.

There -- There's even
a karaoke room in the basement.

[ Gasps ] So fun!

The last time I hada hot Mike in my basement --

You know what?
I'm gonna wait till

there are more
people here.

Yeah.[ Rex fussing ]

Oh, oh,
the baby's awake.

Do -- Do you want
to meet him?

I do. I can ask himif he liked our gift.

We never heard.

[ Cellphone ringtone plays ]

[ Cellphone beeps ]Hello?

Mr. Tucker.
It's Jim Alvarez.

Athletic Director from

the University of
North Central Missouri.

Uh, yes, of course.
How -- How can I help you?

This is a bit
of an awkward call.

As you know,
you were the runner-up

for our
head coaching job.

Uh, yes, yes,
and, uh, you know,

Coach Ashley is a-a great guy,
great choice.

No hard feelings.
[ Chuckling ] I actually --

I sent him a bottle of
congratulatory scotch.

Well, he drank it.
[ Sighs]

Then he did
a press conference

where he used
some colorful language

to address
a female reporter

and blamed some things
on the Jews.

Oh, my.

The point is, uh,

the job is yours,
if you still want it.

S-- I'm -- I'm sorry.
W-What?

I know this is
coming at you fast,

but I'll need an answer
by the end of the day,

so talk it over
with the mister

and, uh, let me know.

Um, uh, yes.
O-Ok-- Uh, yes.

Okay, thank-- thank you
very -- thank you very much.

[ Cellphone beeps ]

[ Sighs ]

Ronaldo: Look at him!
He's perfect!

Mitchell: I know.
I know. It's all perfect.

It's like the universe
gave me everything I wanted.

[ Sighs, groans ]

[ Glasses clink ]

[ Groans ]

Okay, family meeting.

Please. Sit down.
Dylan, please. Thank you.

[ Sighs ]Now, um,

this is gonna
sound harsh.

No -- No parent

with half a heart
wants to say this,

so, Claire?
[ Sighs ]

Fine. I haveno problem saying it.

There are too many peopleliving in this house.

[ Poppy and George babbling ]It's disgusting!

I think there's
something alive

in the kitchen sink water.

It's just Sinky.

You didn't turn on
the garbage disposal, did you?

O-Okay.W-We cannot live this way!

One of you
has to move out.

What?!
That's not fair!Are you serious?!

Are you kidding me?!That's not okay!You can't just
spring this on us!

I mean,how could you do that?I-I just took

a huge salary cut.It's so unfair!

So it is really
not a good time

for me to move.Me neither.

I just took
a leave of absence from work

to spend more time
with my family.

Well, I have two babies
and a special needs husband.

It's true.I have a medical condition

that requires a room big enoughfor a giant mattress.

He sleep-wiggles.

Look, if one of you
doesn't volunteer,

your mother's gonna
have to pick someone.

Well, Haley's the oldest.
There's four of them.

And honestly,
it's only a matter of time

before she gets
pregnant again.

[ Scoffs ]Especially since
he's a wiggler.

Whoa!
Wecan say it.

Well, Alex is the onethat has the most education.

[ Scoffs ] I shouldn't be
penalized for being smart.

I'm not running
for president.

What about you?Didn't you apply to college?

Yeah, and I never
heard back from them.

College is rude.

Okay! You can figure this outamongst the three of you

as you clean up
the house.

We need a nameby the end of the day.

Luke: Well, it's not
gonna be me.

I just can't imagine beingapart from my best friend.

Nice try, Luke.

[ Whispering ] Help me.It's working.

Oh, come on.

[ Door opens ]

[ Up-tempo music plays
on stereo ]

Hey, Cam. Look!

Cam! Cam!

Oh, s-- I'm sorry. My -- My mindwas elsewhere. [ Chuckles ]

Our neighborjust dropped this off.

So sweet!And -- And guess what.

She's a pediatrician.
Ohh!

I mean, how lucky is that?Jotham: Ohh!

That's amazing!

Now you don't have tougly up the house

with baby-proofing.

Don't ever have kids.

There's champagne,
there's truffles,

there's caviar.Ohh, city folk, huh?!

I mean, whatever happened
to a basket of apples

and a thoughtfully
misspelled note?!

I mean, huh?
It's like...

Alright, give us a tour,

and make sure
it includes the bar.Yes!

Okay, so let's start downin the karaoke room,

and then we'll workour way up to the master.

Oh, sounds like
my dream date!

Sorry, I'm a single father.
I never get out.

Is this still how we talk?

Okay. No. Uh, alright.Right this way.

Okay, I hope the big
earthquake that we're
long overdue for

doesn't hit
while you're down there!

You're being
so negative.

What is wrong with you?

Okay, look, I have
to tell someone,

but you cannot repeat it
to anyone, especially Mitchell!

Oh.

I just got offered

the football job that I wanted
in Missouri.

But you just moved in!

I know.
With a newborn!

I know!
And you werethe one pushing for both!

I don't need a recap!
It's my crisis!

We're here!

Mitchell:
Hey! Hey, guys!

Wow!
Joe, nice haircut!

See?See?

I miss his old hair.Stefan: It's cute.

He looks like Tom Cruise
in "A Few Good Men."

I wouldn't mind cruisinga few good men.

Again, I'm sorry.

I spend all my timeat kids' birthday parties.

We're really probably betterthan this now, right?

Yeah.Jay: Anyways,

we brought youa housewarming gift.

-Oh.
-Jay deserves all the credit.

Close your eyes.Maybe never open them.

Ta-da!

[ All gasp ]

He's an old-time barkeep.
Now, check it out.

He's a big guy,
like Cam,

and he's got red hair,
like you!

Mitchell: Dad!

This is exactly what
we needed -- a little whimsy!

I love it!

No, you don't.
Other gays, tell him.

[ All speaking indistinctly ]

We're gonna haveso much fun with this guy.

We can throwa-an Uncle Sam hat on him

for the 4th of July,a pilgrim hat for Thanksgiving.

Or a rainbow wig
for -- for Pride.

Well, it's a piece of art.

I don't think you want tomake it silly.

So, does this, uh, big fella
have a name?

Sure does.

Since he's a combo ofCam and Mitch, he's Kitsch.

[ Laughter ]Oh, yeah!

Yes, he is!
Dad, it's perfect!

Great. Now Mitchell's
even happier.

I'm gonna die
in this house.

Hi.
Alex. Hi.

Come in. Have a seat.
[ Chuckles ]

So, um...

So, I guess I'll just
get right into it.

I-I didn't see
this coming

when I asked you
to work with me,

and I guess
I'm sort of afraid...[ Items clatter ]

...how you -- how --
how you might react,

which, uh, explains why
I'm acting so awkwardly

and why this sentence
won't seem to end,

which is so delightful
when Hugh Grant does it,

but I just sound
like a raving --

Let me stop you.
Please do.

I think I know whatyou're trying to say.

Uh, it appears there's someromantic tension between us,

and you're afraid thatonce I sign my contract,

we won't be able
to act on it.

Uh...actually,

I was -- I was
just going to tell you

that our project has been
moved to Switzerland.

Damn it, Haley!

Well, [Scoffs] thenwhy were you hemming and hawing

and bringing up Hugh Grant,

which takes every girl
right to rom-com?!

Well, I was afraid
that you wouldn't want
to move so far.

And -- And -- And --

And [Sighs] you know,
I feel responsible

for you quitting
your job.

Forget what I said!So, uh, Switzerland, huh?

Do they pay for housing?

Um, actually, yeah.

Perfect. Perfect. That solvesa big problem for me.

Yep. Count me in.See ya at the airport.

Oh, hold on!
Ohh!

Um, it seems like
there's something

that we should
circle back to.

No, no, no.
I'm fine.

Alex, I've never
c-considered

a romantic relationship
with you.

Oh, great.
Let's relive it.

I mean,
I'm so much older.

I-I-I dated your sister.

All good reasons.I'm at a meter, so I'm just --

But if it's something
that isn't completely

out of the realm
of possibility for you,

then I'd be lying
if I said

it was out of the realm
of possibility for me.

Oh. Okay.So, let's go back.

You're saying that if we had
a pre-existing relationship,

or rather, a relationshipthat existed in a quantum state,

like two entangled
particles --

You don't have todumb it down, but --

but, yes,

we'd be good to go,
legally speaking.

Huh.

Well, then, maybe
we should create evidence now

of a relationship that
may or may not happen later?

What kind of evidence?

I suppose we could
exchange saucy texts.

Seems logical.
Yeah?

Okay.

[ Cellphone clicking ]

[ Cellphone swishes ]

[ Alert chimes ]

"You look
beautiful today"?

Is that too much?

No! No, no, no.

I -- But -- But maybe deletemine, or just read it --

Oh, my God!

You're so much better
at this than I am!

[ Whispering ]Didn't have to send that.

Maybe we should take
a photo, you know?

Proof that
we were together?

[ Normal voice ] Uh, maybea kiss on the cheek?

Yeah.
How provocative.

Yeah! [ Chuckles ][ Chuckles ] Okay.

Um, uh,

and one, two, three.

Mwah.

Oh, God!
Oh. Oh! Oh!

Good God! I'm so sorry.Oh!

I-I-I thought my --my lips and your cheek.

No, I-I thought
you meant your cheek.

No!
Wow! Oh! Okay.

Well, that -- that --We have it.
Yeah.

We have it,and that's super important.Well done, us!

Oh, good God.
Oh, just great.

[ Up-tempo music playing
on stereo ]

Hello, you two!
Hi!

How about a little quiche?

Oh! How European.

Mwah. Mwah.

Oh, Ronaldo,
what's your secret?

Mm, Cam got offeredthat coaching job in Missouri,

and Pepper gothis eighth face lift.

What?!
[ Sighs ] I know.

We don't
buy soup anymore

because he can't close his mouthall the way.

Cam! You got the job!

And you're moving.Damn it, Ronaldo.

Apparently, Pepper's notthe only one who can'tkeep his mouth closed.

Go. Serve your
little apps.

[ Sighs ]

I can't believe this.

Okay, don't panic.I'm -- I'm gonna turn it down.

Oh, really? But it's what
you've always wanted.

I know,but Mitchell, he's...

[ Laughter ]I've never seen himso happy.

And I can't ruin that.

I'm -- I'm not even gonnatell him I got the offer.

Well, look,
I-I am not a fan

of the idea
of you guys leaving,

but if you don't
tell Mitchell,

you're gonna end up
resenting him.

No, that's -- that'snot how I'm built.

I make decisions,move forward, don't look back.

No regrets.

[ Glass clinks ]Mitchell: Hey, everyone?

Um, I just want to
thank you all for coming

to see our new home

and meet our precious
new roommate, Rexford.

[ Laughter ]

And, uh, I also want to thank
my wonderful husband, Cam,

who really led the charge
and made all of this possible.

I-I couldn't be
happier right now,

and it's all because of him.

Now, if I could just get him togive up hogging the covers, huh?

[ Laughter ]

'Cause I haven't given upenough for you!

[ All gasp ]

This is so embarrassing.

I just realized
Ronaldo was offering me quiche.

So, y-you were never gonnatell me you got offered the job?

It's just thatyou seemed so happy,

and I couldn't ask you
to give that up.

Cam, you've been wanting
to move closer

to your family for years,

and -- and this is
your dream job.

No.

No. T-This is my chance
to be there for you.

Are you sure?

Look, I-I don't
care where we live,

as -- as long as you're
there by my side.

Always.

Aww!Aww!Aww!
Aww!

Alright, now let's celebrate
with some champagne!

Yeah!

Mitchell. Mitchell.
That was beautiful.

Well, everyone was
looking at me.

What the [bleep]
was I supposed to say?

[ Door closes ]

How are you feeling?

Uh, it's gonna be weird without
them being here all the time.

Plus, they got
the new kid.

Hmm.Poor guy's gonna grow up

with those
Missouri closets,

thinking that's normal.[ Liquid pours ]

It was sweet how Mitch

didn't have to think twice
about going.

Well, it's like he said,

it's his turn
to support Cam.

Almost the same thingI'm trying to do for you,

except I'm pissing you off.

Because you won't do anything
the way that Iwould do it!

I don't see anyone elsecomplaining.

That's the worst part --
that nobody needs me.

It's 2020. I shouldn't belosing jobs to an old white man.

[ Sniffles ]

When Manny gets homesick,

who do you think
he's gonna call?

When Joe has a nightmare,who does he want?

And when I'm sitting here

already sadabout Mitchell leaving,

who do you think I wantto walk into this room?

Me?
Of course!

And I think I knowwhat's going on here.

You're feeling guiltyabout working. Don't.

Do you think I ever
felt guilty working

while you held down
the fort here?

You sure didn't.

No, and now it's time

for you to go
out into the world

and crush it.

While youhold down
the fort

and look pretty?

Well, I'm not just
a sex object.

I have other gifts.

[ Car alarm chirps ]

[ Sighs ]

That was a crazy day.Yeah.

I think I'm gonna be up
for a while tonight.

You want to buckle
yourself into bed

and I'll drive youaround till you fall asleep?

[ Laughs ]

You know, I-I don't want tosleep in the driveway.

I don't.I want to sleep in our house,

with our kids --
all of them.

[ Sighs ]

With what's going onwith Mitchell and Cam,

I just feel like we're losingenough family as it is.

It's funny.

I was feeling that, too.Mm.

You came down so hard
on them earlier.
Mm.

I'll go give 'em
the good news.

Like hell you will!

[ Grunts ]

Hey!
Hi!Oh, good. You're home.

Yeah. Are your brother
and sister here?

I want to talk about
this whole living situation.

Yeah.Actually, problem solved.

What?I'm moving toSwitzerland.

What?They're transferringmy research team there.

I get housing
and everything.

So you're good.

Like, hot chocolate
Switzerland?

Haley: Oh, hey!

Did you tell them
our news?

Uh, just mine.

Dylan and Iare moving out, too.

Oh.Oh, but you don't have to!

Well, we want to.
You guys are right.

It's time
for us to go.

We did the math,

and we realizedwe had a million dollars.

[ Chuckles ]

Then we had Alex
check the math,

and turns out
we don't,

but we do have enoughfor a cute apartment.

Dylan: Now that they don't
test on animals,

I've made extra money
doing clinical trials at work.

The hours are long,
but the mazes are fun.

[ Door opens ]

Sweet.
You're all here.

Everyone can relax.
I'll be the one who goes.

-Oh.
-Oh, no, no, Luke.

It's okay.No, no, no, no.

I lied before.

I actually
did hear back

from
the University of Oregon.

I got in.

Oh, honey!Amazing!

That's wonderful!

[ Laughs ]We're so proud of you!

-That's amazing, Luke!
-Yeah. Congrats.

Wait. You're --You're all moving out?

Really? We are?

Yeah.

Weird.

[ Cellphone chimes ]

Oh! It's Arvin.

Sorry, I've got to
respond to it.

It's a work thing.
[ Sighs ]

I've got to get ready.
I've got a date.

[ Babies crying ]

Oh, there they are.

Bet you're not
gonna miss that.

[ Door opens ]Alex: Oh! Luke,I'm in here!

Luke:
What are you doing?!

Oh, get out!

[ Door slams ]

[ Babies crying ]

I amgonna miss this.

[ Sniffles ]

Me too.

Hey.
Everybody's gone.

Look. [ Sighs ]

I haven't called
the college yet.

I wanted to talk
to you first.

I know you were beinggenerous up there, and --

You know me.
I-I can be happy anywhere.

No, seriously.

After some time, I-I'll forget
all about this place.

We named our son
after the street.

So we'll just change
his name to the new street.

The coach's houseis at the intersection

of Route 13and Burnt Corn Lane.

Dear God,
what are we doing?

I-I'm not gonna --
I'm not gonna fit in.

[ Sighs ]W-What if no one likes me?
What if I can't find a job?

Are there --
Are there lattes?

A-Are there
art house theaters?

Well, what if --
what if I never see

a black-and-white movie or --
or a black-and-white couple?

Hey. Where are we
on this move?

Well, that's what
Daddy and I

are talking about
right now, sweetie.

'Cause I have a majorproject due on Tuesday,

and I'm not sayingI haven't started it,

but if you asked to seewhat I've done so far,

there wouldn't
be anything.

We're going.

A-Are you sure?

I-I'm gonna need
a little time to adjust,

but we --
we are going.

Are you okay with that?

Totally.I'll reinvent myself.

I'm gonna
dye my hair blue

and carry aroundan emotional support pig.

Aww! I kn-- I know
just the pig!

Cam, well,
call the college.

Okay! I just want this
to be the right thing.

If -- If this ends up
hurting the family,

I would never
forgive myself.
No, no.

We're stronger than that, okay?
We're gonna be fine.

[ Voice breaking ] Yeah.[ "Endless Love" plays]

Not -- Not now, Lily.

You guys are gonna end upsinging. Just get to it.

Excuse me, young lady.

We're -- We're having a-aserious conversation here, okay?

Do not reduce us to
a couple stereotypical --

♪ My love

♪ There's only you
in my li-ife ♪

♪ The only thing
that's bright ♪

Now you.

Why do I always have tosing the female part?

[ High-pitched ]
♪ My first love

♪ You're every breaththat I take ♪

I didn't think this through.

♪ You're every step
I make ♪

I do not like being
the first person at a party.

Uh, oh, actually,
you're the last one.

Yeah, Sal,
everybody's gone.

What?! Boo!

Gays used to be so fun,
before kids.

Come on!
Let's do shots!

You know this house is onlya block from my new place.

[ Inhales sharply ]Well, it's not "mine,"

but I get to stay therefor free

'cause I let the guy who owns itwatch me on webcams.

[ Gasps ] Aah!

I'm gonna be coming overall the time!

Yay!
[ Chuckles ]

And, um, Happy Face Emoji herecan babysit my dogs and kid.

And you guys cook, right?

Ahh, 'cause my gummy'skicking in.

Actually, I'm feeling better
about the move already.Good.

[ Cellphone chimes ]Oh! Uh, Cam,
our car's here.

[ Voice breaking ]
Oh. So, this is really it?

Cameron: We are gonnamiss you all so much.

And, here,I want you to read this,

but not until
after I leave.

It's gonna make me cry,
isn't it,

you beautiful,
corn-fed son of a bitch?[ Sobs ]

You guys are gonna visit,right?

Of course.
And you all are gonna visit us.

It's just a couple
quick flights

and a short Goober ride
from the airport.

Did he just say --Wait, isn't Grandpa coming?

He said goodbye
last night.

You know
how he hates these things.Gloria: Yeah.

I can't believe I'm losingmy old skating partner.

Well, whenever you look
at our old trophy,

just remember what a good team
we were, huh?

I said I wasn't
gonna cry.

And you're not.

Yeah.
It's called strength.

[ Gasps ]Joe: He came!

[ Family "Aww"s ]Phil: Hey!I couldn't miss this.

My baby boy
is going away.

Oh, Dad.Cameron:Oh, Jay, don't hate me

because
your son's leaving.

Bothmy sons
are leaving.

Mitchell: Aww.[ Voice breaking ]
Oh, Jay! Jay!

Claire: Oh, my God.Oh, get in here.
Get in here. Get in here.

Jay: A lot can happen
to a family over the years.

New additions...Hi.
[ Cooing ]

Get that!

Manny, go!

...new struggles.

Give me a second.

You don't always
mark the moments,

because you're too busy
taking care of life.

Best you can do sometimes

is remind yourself
to cherish every single --

[ Cellphone chimes ]Oh. [ Sniffles ]

There's a tornado warning
in Missouri.

Uh, our flight's delayed
two hours, so...

-Oh.
-Oh.
-Oh.

[ All murmuring ]

Uh, yeah.[ Door opens ]

[ Sighs ]

You guys remembered
my birthday!

[ Laughs ]

Together: Surprise.

It's nice we havethis extra time together,

thanks to that
lucky tornado.

It hit an elementary school,
Phil.

Well, no kids
were there.

It's opening day
of squirrel-hunting season.

Jay, do you want to come
and join your family?

Jay!

He's been like this
a lot lately --

in his own world.

Well,
it's a tough time.

Mitch and Cam leaving,

Manny heading out
next week,

plus I'm missing
his birthday

for a tumbling congressin the desert.

You've probably
heard of it.

Turning Man?

And don't forget
that Joe and I

are leaving to Colombia
for the whole summer.

How's that gonna be
for Jay?

Rough.

If you drive past my house

and see me sock-sliding
past the window

with a scotch in my hand,

that's just how
I deal with grief.

Not to, uh, rush this,

but we are very behindon packing for our new place.

You know, we still needto box up all the baby stuff,

our linens, our book.[ Cellphone chimes ]

Well, don't stress out
too much.

The -- The car is here.
Okay.

Claire: Oh.Phil: So [Sighs]

this is goodbye again.

Mitchell:
[ Sighs ] Yeah.

It's gonna take a minute

to ramp back upto all the emotion --

[ Voice breaking ]
I'm there.

[ Family "Aww"s ]Get in here.
Get in here.

Yes.Mitchell: Come on.

[ Cellphone chimes ]

Sorry.
One second. One second.

I need my arm.Oh.

Huh.

Flood warnings this time.

Oh, and a swarm of locusts hasbeen spotted in the flight path.

What part of the Old Testament
are we moving to?

[ Birds chirping ]

Is it alive?

No.

Is it scissors?

Sure.

No, but you said
it was heavier than a piano!

I just want this to be over.

Can we be done with games?Yes.

[ Family murmurs in agreement ]Yeah, we're done.

Your Earl Grey.

Oh, thank you.

[ Slurps ] Ugh!

Is there vinegar
in here?

Congratulations.
You're dead!

Never take a drink if youhaven't watched it be made.

Uh, he saw this special called
"You Cruise, You Lose,"

and he's convinced

something bad is going to
happen to me on my trip.

If this had been the real thing,you'd be on a container ship

halfway to the slave marketsin Tripoli.

[ Cellphone chimes ]Oh, our car's a minute away.

Okay.
Alright.

Goodbyes Part 3.
And please, no hugs.

[ Clears throat ]Lay off my linen suit.

It's already as wrinkled
as my favorite pig

when she lost
all that weight.

Oh, c-can we take one
last picture by the staircase?

Oh, great idea.

I just don't think
you have the time.

Alright, no gushiness.You know the drill.

Love, kiss, hug,"See ya at Thanksgiving."

Okay.Love, kiss, hug,
"See ya at Thanksgiving."

[ All shouting indistinctly ]

Do not look back.Yeah, good idea.

You know, I don't think
I could take the sight

of their tear-streaked faces
pressed against the glass.

In many ways,
it's easier for us.

I mean, we're off
to a new adventure,

and they're stuck in the samedull, mirthless --

Family members: Cheese!

You're taking a family picture
without us?!

[ Indistinct talking ]

Okay, well, you have madeleaving a lot easier...[ Sighs ]

...because, clearly,what this family needs

is some time apart.
Uh-huh.

Let's...[ Cellphone chimes ]

Uh-oh.

Did any of us really not think

that was gonna happen?

Hail this time.
[ Sighs ]

Okay, Mitchell,
now that we have this moment,

I'm pretty sure
youhave the skating trophy.

Um, I recently packed upmy entire house twice.

I think I would noticemy only sportstrophy, Claire.

Well, I haven't packed up
my house at all...I don't have the trophy!

...and I know
that I don't have it.Stop!

Neither of you has it.

You argued endlessly about
which room it was going into

until your mother
grabbed it

and donated it
back to the skating rink.

Ohh.Ohh.

Okay, well, now our only option
is the 9:00 p.m.

Fortunately, it's a direct
flight into Kansas City

and then just a short hop
on HamTrak, so...

Did you just say "Ham"--Jay: Fine.

Everybody get on with their day.We'll meet back here later.

Okay.
Well, we got to pack.

Oh, we love our new place,
by the way.

Thanks again
for putting in

a good word for us
with the owner.

Yeah, he just neededsome reassurance,

considering most of
Dylan's money

is tied upin Dave & Buster's gift cards.

Mm.Safer than banks.

So, just because
I'm curious --

Yeah, it's a livestock train,
but people ride it, too.

But don't worry,

we're in first class
with the show hogs.

[ Chuckles ]

Mitchell,we skated our little hearts out

to "Hungry Like the Wolf"
for this thing.

I'm taking it.Damn it, it's locked.

You brought me here
to steal?!

I can't go to jail.
I am a gay prosecutor.

There's no prison gangs
for that.

Relax.Just keep an eye out.

W-What are you doing? You --
You know how to pick a lock?

Luke's always getting lockedinto something.

Between that and trying tobreak into Haley's diary,

I'm kind of a pro.

By the way, thanks forgetting her on birth control.

Oh, yeah,
what are uncles for?

Oh, security.
Be cool.

Hi.

How many nights did we spend
in these exact same positions?

Me doing homework
by flashlight,

and you inventing new illnessesto get out of P.E.

Oh, yeah!
Remember when I had frumbles?

[ Both laugh ][ Gasps ]

How about when Lukewould have nightmares

and drag his sleeping bag
in here?

[ Sighing ] Oh.We'd wait till he fell asleep,

light candles,
put on devil masks,

and wake him up.
[ Laughs ]

He still can't form
long-term attachments.

[ Laughs ]
[ Chuckles ]

Couldn't have been easyhaving us as big sisters.

So...

maybe before
we all move out,

we should mess with him
one last time, right?

Oh, yeah.

It was 2005,

and we desperately
wanted a dog.

So we made a video
to convince our parents

that we could be
responsible dog owners.

The dog, of course,was played by a 6-year-old Luke.

[ Chuckles ]
He'd alreadyhad ringworm that summer,

so he had an entryway
into the role.

Luke!

Okay. Okay.
Get up here.

Okay.
Okay, alright.

[ Both gasp ]

Haley: What was that?

Oh, my God!
the Woofie tape!Oh, no! Oh!

You cracked it.
Mom's gonna go insane!

[ Sighs ]She watches it every year
on Mother's Day!

This is bad. This is bad.
This is bad!
Oh.

What should we do?This probably won't work,

but...
Say it!

We could re-create it with you
as the dog again...
Mm.

...as a sweet gesture to make upfor what you'vedone.

There.
[ Sighs ]

Wait a minute.

The Woofie earsjust happen to be here?

I must bethe luckiest bastard alive.

Let's do this.

[ Indistinct conversations
in distance ]

So, Missouri, huh?
Yeah.

You know, I'm -- I'm actually
feeling pretty good about it.Uh-huh.

There are a lot of really great
career opportunities there.

And with my experience,
I could become a judge.

And we're clear.
Hmm.

It's a pretty exciting time
for you, too, huh?

Mm-hmm.
Yeah?
Big new job

at that storage-and-container
company...

Yeah.
...kids moving out.

They're not.

But I thought
that they --

They're not.
Oh! Okay.

Haven't even started
the job yet,

and you're already
compartmentalizing.

And you're already judging.

This isn't working.

Hey, let's just forget it.
Come on.

[ Sighs ]Oh. Oh, my God.

The claw machine.

Oh.
Come on!

Remember how
we killed at that?

Yeah. Yeah.You on the claw,
me scouting from the side?

Aww.
Wait a minute.

Give me a boost.
What?

Yeah, give me a boost.What are you doing?
What are you doing?

Okay, alright.
This is our chance.

Okay.
Now go down, down.

We got to go forward.

And d-down more.
Down more.

Claw. Claw it.
Claw. Clawing.

Clawing, claw.Okay, don't get cocky.

That's how we lost
the Garfield bank.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

I got it! I got it! I got it!You almost have it.

Got it! I got it. I got it.You have it! Yes!
That's us! Okay.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Alright. Let's go.
Let's go. Let's go.We got it.

Okay, don't worry.This time, we'll share it.

But I get it first.

[ Laughs ]
Oh, my God.
That was so fun!

Oh, I never do stuff like this
with anybody but you.[ Sighs ]

Well, also because
I'm an adult with ethics.

[ Chuckles ]We make a great team.

Oh, my God.
It just hit me.

This might be the last time
that we --

No, no, no. No, no.We already said goodbye twice.

Keep it light.
It's just that some

of my best memories
are of you and me here.

That -- There, that's it.
I'm done.

Would you say...you're hungry for more?

Hungry like...

♪ Dark in the city,
night is a wire ♪

Ha!Ha!

♪ In touch with the ground

♪ I'm on the hunt,
I'm after you ♪

This is more sexualthan I remember it being.Yeah.

♪ Scent and a sound,
I'm lost and I'm found ♪

I'm starting to think
we won for the wrong reasons.

♪ And I'm hungry like the wolf [ Both howl ]

That's it.

We're finally
out of my hot sauce.

Jay, are you hungry?

Jay?

What's wrong with him?

Is everything gonna be okay,
Mommy?

You're scaring us.

Oh, it's okay, buddy.

Jay is just going throughsomething right --

Idiot!

I hope you like
dancing for coins

on the streets
of Calcutta.

Jay: I found more hot sauce
in the garage.

Muy caliente.

Oof!
I almost gave it away, there.

I got a big surprise for Gloria
in the works.

I'm learning Spanish.

Every chance I get,
I pop my earbuds in,

learn a few lessons.

Jay, do you want to come
and join your family?

[ Man speaks Spanish]

Jay: Program's even got
a cool feature.

Any phrase I want to learn,
I just say it in English,

and it spits it right
back at me in Español.

I'm sorry, I mean "Spanish."

I go back and forth
without even noticing.

Loco!

[ Doorbell rings ]

Hey, you're sure
now's not a bad time

to borrow
your garment steamer?

Of course not.And this thing's a marvel.

Who knew George Foreman hadone more in him after his grill?

Phil.
Hey.

I'm so glad
that you're here.

Do you remember

that little problem
that I told you I had?

Everyone has dreams
like that.

The Japanese have a whole genreof comic books about it.

No, no, no.
It's about Jay.

I don't know
if he's losing his hearing

or he's depressed
or what.

Probably he's ashamed
to talk to me, but --

But not to
his best friend.

Say no more.

I just need you to fill

a spaghetti pot with waterand boil it.

How is that gonna help?

Oh, it's a backup
for Cam's suit.

I lost all confidencein George Foreman

after his teeth-whitening systemburned my gums.

Table for two, please.

Are you my waiter?

Hey, Jay.
How you doing?

This isn't
what I wanted.

I know you mightbe feeling a little down

with everybody leaving,

but it's not the endof the world, right?

I'm finished here.

Hey, don't you
talk like that.

Could I please
have a spoon?

Wh--

Whatever you need...

buddy.

Ahh.
Whoa!

What?!What the hell are you doing?!

What?! I thoughtthat's what you wanted!

What, to spoon with me?!
Yes.

Slightly out of character, yes,but it's an emotional time!

Everything's changing!I'm --

I was worried about you.

I'm fine, Phil.

And I'm changing, too.

I'm learning Spanish
to surprise Gloria!

Of course.

[ Inhales deeply ]

Well, then, having added

yet anotherembarrassing incident

to our storied history,
I will slink out.

Hey.

Today can't be easy
for you either.

And I appreciate
you're worried about me, but...

maybe start thinking...

what you want
your next chapter to be.

Thanks, Jay.

[ Steamer hissing ]

Oh, uh, Gloria? Gloria?

I noticed your mascarawas still intact,

so I assume you haven'thad a chance to read my note.

No, not yet.Oh, well, you know,it will be hard on both of us,

but there's -- there's no time
like the present.

Hmm.

[ Chuckles nervously ]

Aww, Cam.

Oh, uh, G-Gloria,maybe you didn't notice

that there's a second side
to my note.

And you know what?
Maybe it would help

if I played the music that Iused while I was composing it.

Oh, oh.
[ Sniffles ]

[ Somber string music plays]

So nice.

[ Cellphone beeps, music stops ]What? Nice?

It was the perfect
goodbye letter.

It's "The Notebook" meets
the first 10 minutes of "Up."

It was enough
to make you curse God

for giving you
the ability to love.

It was a poemwhere every line started

with a letter
of my name.

Okay, alright, I --
I know what you're doing.

You're putting up walls
around your -- your feelings,

because you're not
emotionally prepared

to let go of someone
you love so dearly.

Manny.

Oh, yeah.
He's leaving, too.

21 years.

Five careers.

Two husbands.

He was the only constant.

I can't start crying to himabout this now,

because I might
never stop.
Yes.

I don't want to put
all that on him.

Yes, I know, but those feelings
have to go somewhere, Gloria.

Why don't you do what I did --
put them in writing?

That might work.

Thank you, Cam.

No.

No, Gloria.[ Sniffles ]

Thank you.

Thank you for allowing me

to be your guideto spiritual awakening

the last 12 years.

It has been...
a true privilege.

What are you
talking about?

We've been alone
maybe like eight times.

Shh.

Soar.

Hi, Mommy and Daddy.

We know you don't think
that we can take care of a dog,

but you haven't met
our dog, Woofie.

Woof!No barking, Woofie.

But you just said to --

Bad dog!

Bad dog!

Ow!
No!

And don't worry,
we'll always remember

to feed him
and keep him healthy.

Is there a pill
in here?

So, you don't want
a shiny coat?

And don't worry,we'll make sure he gets along

with other dogs.See you in a few hours.

Hours?

Woman: Come on.Oh.

You guys are
probably worried

he's going to get
the house all dirty.

Well, we know how
to handle that.

Wait.
How are we gonna do the --

Ugh!
[ Grunting ]

So, as you can see,
we can do this.

We know a dog's
a lot of work,

but we'll never have todo it alone.

Yeah, it will always be
the three of us.

Always.

The end.

[ Beep ]

You guys know you can call me
anytime, right?

And it's easy tovisit Switzerland, so...

And I can
still count on you

for relationship advice,
right?
Yeah.

I don't want to become
one of those pathetic guys

that lets women
manipulate them.

We're gonna be fine.

Sit.

Stay.

[ Sighs ][ Handcuffs click ]

Joe!
Joe: Too late.

I just sold your kidneyon the black market in Zanzibar.

Joe, your brother's
trying to take a bath.

Privacy, please.

Oh, Mom!

Mom, no.

[ Sighs ]

Thank you.

I know that
you're the poet in the family,

but I wrote you
a little something.

[ Sighs ]

[ Paper rustling ]

[ Sighs ] Oh, Mom.

I'mthe lucky one.

I'm gonna miss you so much,
but I am so excited

that you're going to have
adventures on your own.

Have the best year,
Manny.

I will.

And I'm gonna miss you,too.

Come back in one piece.

I promise.

[ Handcuff locks ]What?

Talk is cheap.
Mom!

What -- How am Isupposed to get out?!

You have everything you need
to figure it out.

Slow down your heartbeat,
look at your surroundings.

Uh, Mom, wait.
Mo-- Mom!

[ Footsteps approaching ]

Wow.

This room.
Yeah.

You okay?

It just got me thinking

about the empty house
we first moved into.

Couple of newlyweds
planning a cross-country trip,

but I kept getting
morning sickness.

Yeah. [ Chuckles ]

Six months later
[Snaps fingers] --Wah, wah, wah.

You carried two boxes,
Dylan.

I carried two humans.

Yes, Poppy and George.
Who else?

[ Cellphone beeps ]We got the hang of it
pretty fast.

Yeah, we were feeling
pretty smart for a while and...

Guys, I'm on the phonewith the landlord in Geneva.

The apartment he has is4 1/2 by 11 meters.

Quick, what does thatwork out to in square footage?!

[ Muttering ]
Meters and yards...

Yeah, no, no.
I'm still here.

Bigger than...
Are they bigger than?
Well...

Oh, do you have this?That one's kind of ridiculous.I'll have to get back to you.

No, no, I was just following
the path of this fly.

Ugh! I'll do it.Okay, give me a second.

[ Luke sighs ]

Which one of youhas the steadiest hands?

Haley: Oh, Luke,

we got a second key
the last time that happened.

It's in the kitchen drawer.
Come on.

[ Luke grunts ]

So, that's
pretty much...

25 years
of uninterrupted crazy.

Then, when it ends...
it ends.

Until our next chapter.

I'm just brainstorming here,but, uh...

maybe we takea long-delayed RV trip

across the United States,

get selfies withall the Major Leaguebaseball mascots.

I must really love you,
'cause that sounds fun.

[ Sighs ]

[ Voice breaking ]They're really leaving.

What do we do?

[ Sobbing ]

[ Voice breaking ]
What people have always done.

Leave the porch light on.

They come back.

Mitchell:
[ Clears throat ]Cameron: Everyone!

I would like to, um,
say a few words

before our car comes.

Two simple words, actually --
thank you...

[ Family "aww"s ]Aww, Cam.

...for making me feel so welcomein this family.

-Of course. We love you.
-You are family.

A family that
taught me so much.

From Jay,
I learned to get to the point.

[ Light laughter ]From little Joe, I learned --

Cam, we only have a few minutes.Why don't --

Why don't we take
that family picture, huh?

Yeah, let's do that.

-Great idea.
-You got Rex?

Lily: I got him.

Luke: Hey.

I know people tend

to get mushyin moments like this,

but with you headed
around the world

and me headed off
to college...

[ Voice breaking ]
We'll stay close.

How come you neverwrote a poem for me?

Don't you get it?

They were all for you.

[ Sighs ]

Chaqueta.

Sombrero.

What are you?

I know you're masculine.

What is wrong
with you?

What are you
talking about?

You're acting crazy,and it's scaring me.

You're too youngto be acting like an old man.

[ Speaking Spanish ]

[ Speaking Spanish ]

I've been using this app,
you know,

so I'll know
what's going on

when I go with you to Colombia
this summer.

[ Gasps ]
You're coming?!

You've been staring at my familyfor 12 years.

Least I can do is
stare at yours for one summer.

You're wonderful.

But no staring,

and never, evertake the same route twice.

Ay, Jay,you're gonna love it.

[ Indistinct conversations ]Okay, everybody, squeeze in.

Squeeze in for the picture.

Okay.

Yeah. Yep. Okay.

-Alright.
-[ Chuckles ]

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

Perfect. I got it!

Okay.[ Laughs ]

[ Cam sniffles ]I kind of don't
want to let go.

[ Chuckling ]
Yeah.

Yeah, me neither.[ Sniffles ]

[ Voice breaking ] I mean,
it's Mitch and Cam now, but...

it's these three next.

[ Sighs ]

Who knows when we'll all be
together again.[ Sniffles ]

Why is this so hard?

We've done this like
seven times already today.

[ Light laughter ]It's hard because not everybody
gets to have what we have.

[ Inhales sharply ]
Oh.

Mitchell, I put the skating
trophy in your suitcase.

I want you to
have it first...Ohh.

...so that I know
you'll come back.

[ Chuckles ]

Okay, um...
I'm gonna set an example

and be the first one
to let go.

♪♪

It was awful.

♪♪

Jay: Life is full of change --

some big, some small.

I learned a long time ago,
you can fight it...

Cameron: Oh!

...or you can try
to make the best of it.

Jay: Ay! Ay! Ay!

[ Both shouting in Spanish ]

And that's all a lot easier

if you've got people
who love you...
Hey.

...helping you face whatever
life throws at you.

At least, that's what
helps me sleep at night.

[ Crickets chirping ]

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪