All language subtitles for Mambo Italiano (2003) 720p EN

[

[SINGING IN ITALIAN]

[SINGING IN ITALIAN]

Mr. Barberini.

Concettina.

Maria.

Eduardo.

Gino.

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

Maria.

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

How come your Angelo

never called back
my Teresa?

He didn't have fun
when they went out?

Of course he had fun.

He just didn't have time
to call her back.

My apologies, huh?

No, no, no.

It's only
because Teresa,

she worry he wasn't
feeling well.

She said
he looked pale.

Our Angelo?
He's fine.

Never been better.

I am so fucked.

Hi. This is Gay Line.
How can I help you?

I am so fucked.

How so?

Where do I start?

Hello?

Well, why don't you start
with the beginning?

The beginning?

Yes.

When did it all start?

The day I invited my parents
to come see my new apartment,

I guess.

No, Ma, Ma, don't touch anything
until the cops get here.

You want them to think
you live like a pig?

But I don't know why
this had to happen to us,

I don't know.

No, that's not right...

In reality,

it all started

when my parents left Italy
to come to America

and settled in Canada,

destination--

Montr

and my father
has yet to get over it.

Nobody told us
it was a two America--

the real one, United State,
and the fake one, Canada.

Then to make a matter
even worse,

there's a two Canada--

the real one, Ontario,
and the fake one, Qu

Eh.

[MOANING]

My parents tried desperately
to start a family,

but after many
unsuccessful attempts...

They pretty much gave up
on the idea...

MARIA:
Get off of me.

And then, after what my mother
refers to as...

What your father did to me
while I was sleeping.

My sister Anna was born,

followed by me,

Angelo Barberini.

I grew up in a quiet,
peaceful neighborhood,

but from the inside...

No,

you can't go play
in the park.

You will get
kidnapped.

No, you can't go swimming.

You'll drown.

No, you can't go eat

at the Bouchards' house.

They're not Italian.

Their food will kill you.

Then there was my Aunt Yolanda,

always trying to inject life

into an otherwise

"death at your doorstep"
existence.

Hey, oh.

Can you shut that music?

What she has to be happy about,
I don't know.

My sister, Anna,

had her own special way
of calming herself down--

A tasty little treat
called "Icesuckle."

To this day,
she denies the fact

that she has
an addictive personality.

My best friend, Nino,
was always up to something.

[LAUGHING]

Nino and I were inseparable.

I enjoyed school.

I looked forward to going
everyday,

until...

St. Pius X
Comprehensive High School--

1500 students, 99.9% Italian,

all looking
for someone to pick on,

and when I got there,
their quest was over.

I could take the humiliation
of being human graffiti,

but when Nino

started being ashamed
to be seen with me...

He'd talk to me
only on Saturday.

On weekends,
it was like old times.

Eventually,

Nino stopped coming over
even on Saturdays.

I guess word got around

that he was hanging out
with me.

That's when my Aunt Yolanda
became my best friend.

She was something, my aunt.

She wanted to become
an actress,

a movie star,

but the famiglia
had other plans for her...

[WEDDING MUSIC PLAYING]

And shortly after
they married her off...

Don't cry,
figlio mio.

Zia Yolanda
is in heaven now.

After she died, the only thing
that brought me joy

was television.

I would tape my favorite
shows,

watch them over and over,

and write down every word
of the script.

For a couple of hours a day,
I would forget

that I was nothing
but a piece of shit.

Unlike me,

my sister was quite popular
in high school.

[UNZIPPING]

Who knew all those Icesuckles
would pay off one day?

Salute.

Salute.

Somehow
I made it through high school,

and I decided that it was time
I tell the world a secret

that was buried deep inside me.

I want to become
a television writer.

My mother
still refers to this as...

The day you took 10 years
off my life.

So I went to university
to study law,

but I quit school

after three months
of mind-numbing boredom,

and found a job

in the glamorous world
of corporate travel,

a perfect occupation
for a young go-getter

thirsting to be abused
by filthy rich business people

and/or their assistants

and/or their assistant's
assistants.

I am so sorry, sir.
I take full responsibility.

No, when you said "Paris,"

it was stupid of me to assume
that you were going to France.

No kidding.

Of course
I should have guessed

that you had a branch office
in Ontario.

Everyone
spoke French.

Oh, everyone spoke French, huh?
Oh, that must've been horrible.

Yes, sir,
it's completely my fault,

though I am surprised

that the layover in Brussels
didn't tip you off.

Common mistake, sir.

Brussels is considered by many
to be the Minneapolis of Europe.

I hate my job.

Uh-huh.

Thank God
for my exciting social life.

Ma, it's
my first glass.

It's your second.

If your mother says
it's your second,

it's your second.

Just like your side
of the family--

Always with a glass
in her hand.

Your Uncle
Dominic died

because of his heavy
drinking, you know.

For your information,

my brother Dominic
died of lung cancer.

It was your Aunt Yolanda
who drowned

in a barrel
of whiskey.

Okay, if we're going to
have another argument

about who died
the most violent death,

me, I'm leaving the table.

Nobody leave the table
until you finish supper.

Yeah? What happens
if I leave the table?

That's what happen.

There is nothing
like a relaxing evening at home.

I should know.

I didn't move out of the house
until I was 27.

Seriously?

Seriously.

I have this neighbor, Massimo--

69 years old, never married,
and still living at home.

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

It's a cultural thing.

Us Italians, we leave the house
either two ways--

married or dead,

and knowing for sure
that I would never get married,

I knew I had to do
something drastic.

Figlio mio. Why?

Why?

Why?

Just go,
and don't look back.

Leaving was easy.

Bringing them to visit
my new apartment

was the hard part.

This building got
to be 100 year old.

That's part
of its charm.

What's so charming
about it being old?

We're old...

And we're not
charming.

No, Ma, Ma, don't touch anything
until the cops get here.

You want them to think
you live like a pig?

But I don't know why
this had to happen to us,

I don't know.

No, me, Pa,
it happened to me.

I'm the one
who got robbed, right?

No "rob."

This is act
of terrorism

against
Italian people.

I want you to
move back home.

No, Ma, I am not
moving back home.

Come in at your own risk.

Oh, officer,

thank God
you're here.

Tell my son

that this is not
a safe neighborhood.

Well, these things
happen all over the city.

Paventi...Nino?

That's right.
How are you?

Nino.

Gino, this is Nino,

Lina's son, Nino.

Angelo,
you remember?

Actually, that's why
I took the call.

I wanted to see
what my old bud was up to.

Being attacked by thugs.

Not much
has changed

since we last saw
each other.

And then,
it was like old times.

You're not enjoying this,
are you?

Are you kidding?

I am so enjoying
this.

I mean, we could always go back,
you know.

What,
and get out of this wonderful,

woody wilderness?

No,
I am loving this,

really.

[HOOTING]

What's that?

That is the cry
of a grand horn Canadian owl.

Cool.

[CROAKING]

That is the cry of a frog.

No, that is the sound
of a northern Qu

Hmm.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

That is
a cell phone.

No, Angelo,

that is the cry
of an Italian mother

who's worried sick
about her son.

I should've recognized that cry.

Nino?
Hi, Mom.

Oh, bello,why did
you take so long to--

Everything's fine, Ma.

And Marco,
how is he?

Marco's doing good.

Marco, my mom says hi.

Hello, Nino's mother.

Marco says hi back.

Marco, my mom wants to know

if your mom
is still having problems

with her digestion.

Oh, no, there is no one
in North America

who digests better
than my mother.

Nino, I don't
want to know.

She's fine, Ma.

She can digest
anything.

It's getting it out
that's the problem.

Are you sure you're
in a bear-free zone?

Have a good night, Ma.

How can I have
a good night

when I'm so wor--

Marco?

He's the guy I work with,
you know.

It's just...

Don't be embarrassed.

I'm presently
at a convention

in Seattle.

Good one.

Just like
old times, huh?

Yup, spending
Saturday together...

So you're going to
ignore me on Monday?

I'm so sorry
about that.

Hey, I was
just joking.

Hey, listen,
I...I really want

to say something
about that.

It's...

Dropping you
the way I did...

Forget about it.

No, it was
shitty of me.

I apologize.

Apology accepted.

That quick?

What can I say? I'm easy.

Oh, boy,
did we reunite that night.

So you get there
a couple of hours later,

does it really matter?

[YELLING IN ITALIAN]

It matters that much, huh?

Ow, ow, shit.

Ow.

There.

Now, all that's left
for you to do

is to tell your mother
that you're moving in.

Do I have to?

[GASPING]

Come on, Mama,

I'll come see you
every day, I promise.

I'll come--

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

ANGELO: It's a miracle
Lina didn't have a stroke.

What is so wrong
with living at home

until you get married?

Both your father
and me did it,

and we're not dead.

We still here.

Yeah, and after
we got married,

we had both our mothers
living with us...

And your crazy Aunt Yolanda
until she got married.

My sister Yolanda was not crazy.

Let me ask you a question, okay?

How come you prefer

to live with Nino
instead of with me and your mama

and your sister? Why?

Let me ask you a question.

Why is Nino a better roommate
than us, huh?

Yeah, why?

Because.
Because why?

Because Nino's my lover.

If only I could say that
out loud.

You didn't?No.

Every time I try to, I freeze.

Why is that?

Because being gay and Italian
is a fate worse than...

Actually, there is no fate worse
than being gay and Italian,

and to top things off,

my mother keeps on setting me up
with these nice Italian girls...

And, like an idiot,
I keep going out with them,

and then I feel like a louse
for not calling them back.

All this lying,
it's sapping my energy,

but Nino and I made a deal--

No one can know
about the two of us except us.

Only my poor sister Anna knows.
She found out by accident.

That is so like her.

Are you okay?

I will be
once the Valium kicks in.

Anna, this is not
what you think.

Think? Who's thinking? I'm not.

Anna, I am so sorry.

Sorry? Why sorry? I'm thrilled.
You two are a couple. Yay.

I reacted the way I did
because I saw my brother naked,

you know, ew.

I've got to go.

Hey, you just got here.

Did I? Gee, time files
when you're mortified.

You make a beautiful couple.

Did you hear that?
"Mortified."

She'll get over it.

Yeah, but will I?

You have to understand,

Nino has an image
he has to uphold.

Macho cop?

No, respected cop.

All right, just relax, sir,

and everything
is going to be fine.

Yeah, everything will be
all right.

I think this bastard
needs a little lesson

in etiquette.

Your mother's a whore.

Hey, cool it, Marco.

No one calls
my mother a whore.

Your father calls her that
all the time.

Yeah,
but he's family.

Nino is by far the best thing
that ever happened to me.

Not only is he loving,

but he is supportive
of everything I do.

He's the first one
who didn't laugh at me

when I told him
I wanted to write for TV.

When you said
the Mile-high Club,

I thought you meant a sandwich.

Sure you did.

My husband's on the plane.
What will he think?

Don't worry
about your husband.

He's in the other bathroom
with my copilot.

Then who's flying the plane?

Who cares?

[KLAXON SOUNDS]

Wow.

Wow?

Oh, yeah.
This is fucking brilliant.

Really? Yeah.

I mean,
the characters, the story,

it's all there.

You're not just saying that

because--
No, Angelo,

it's amazing.

I'm so proud of you.

Nino
is by far my biggest fan...

My only fan.

What's that for?

To celebrate.
Celebrate what?

That everyone in the free world
rejected my work?

To celebrate
the fact

that you actually finished
a script

and had the balls
to send it off to these idiots.

Face it, Nino. I'm no good.

Even the receptionist
at the production company

advised me to give up writing.

Just wait till they read
your next script.

How can I risk losing that?

But I'm sick and tired
of pretending.

So what are you saying?

I feel that with every day
that goes by,

I lose bits and pieces
of myself,

and I'm afraid
that if this goes on,

I'll lose myself altogether...

So...

So?

It's all become crystal clear.
I know what I have to do now.

No more nice Italian girls
for me.

Thank you,

whoever you are,

and...have a good day.

Okay.
Good night. Bye. Sorry.

See you.

Did you ever wonder
what it would be like

to come out
of the closet?

No.

It's nice and comfy in here,
Angelo.

But didn't you ever feel
like telling anyone?

Your sister Anna knows,
and that's more than enough,

thank you.

Don't tell me
you want to come out on me.

No way,

although I think my parents
might suspect.

Hey, what's to suspect?

We each have our own bedrooms.

We date nice
Italian girls

on a regular basis,

and we're
macho studs, huh?

Fuck, yeah.

Did you bring me the Valium?

Yeah, here.

What's
the big crisis?

Oh, our parents.
Angelo, I'm telling you.

Ever since Pa retired,

they're constantly
at each other's throats.

Me, I can't take it anymore.

Then move out.

It's easy for you to say.

I can't.

They need me
now that you abandoned them.

You are
so fucked up.

Tell me something
I don't know.

Besides,
so are you.

I am not.

Ah, no?

How's Nino,
your roommate?

Hey, that's not
being fucked up.

That's just being
in the closet.

Oh, yeah? Well,
being in the closet

is being fucked up.

It'll do you good.

Anna?

What?

How do you think
our parents would react

if I were to tell them
I'm a...

A what?

A fag?

Hey, shh.

What are you,
retarded?

No way you're going
to tell them.

No, I live with our
parents.

I'm the one who's going to have
to deal with their melodramatics

24/7.

Besides,
Ma just still hasn't recovered

from poor Aunt Yolanda's death.

She died 20 years ago.

So what? You think
this is going to kill them?

Yeah,
this is going to kill them.

Tell them.

I want you to go see the doctor
immediatamente.

How come I never have
any good luck in my life?

You had plenty of luck.

You just never took
advantage of it.

Don't start with me,
okay, Maria?

My son just told me
he's an omosessuale.

I've got to start
with somebody, Gino.

Everything will be okay.

From this day on,

nothing will be okay.

You, go to your room.

You turned my room into a den.

Didn't I tell you
to leave that room alone?

It's all your fault.

My fault?

When I wanted him
to join the hockey team,

what did you say?

He don't like sports.

Hockey.

Hockey would have
make him normal.

Oh!

Why I had to live to hear this,
I don't know.

You see what you're doing
to your mama?

You know the best thing
you could do?

Is you leave the house
and you go back to the village.

I don't live in the village.

What village?

The homosexual village.

There's an omosessuale village?

On St. Catherine street,
between Beaudry and Papineau.

How come you know so much
about this omosessuale village?

I know a lot more
than you think.

Yes, but a omosessuale village?

What's the matter?

You're going to call me
a homosexual now?

He's got to get it
from somebody.

Hey...
Hey, guys,

look, this is not
the end of the world, okay.

Nino and I, we love each other.

I don't want to hear it, okay?

But, Pa...

No, you listen to me.

See, it's what happen
when you move out.

You fall in
with the wrong crowd,

and they give you a brainwash.

Nobody brainwashed me.

Yes, they did,

because no son of mine
is a homosexual.

Now, the best thing
you can do,

please,
leave the house and leave.

Fuori, fuori, fuori, fuori.

[

Who else
you going to tell?

No one.

These things spread.

It's not going to spread.

What, you think

my parents want everyone to know
their son is a fag?

Did your mother say

she was going
to tell my mother?

No, and she's
not going to.

Look, my folks,

they took it
relatively well.

Sure.

Yeah.

Just don't eat anything
my mother offers you.

They threatened to kill me?

No, but they are Italian.

Stop shitting on Italians.

I don't shit
on Italians.

You're the classic
self-hating Italian.

I am not.

Italians have greatly
contributed to civilization.

We've given the world
Michelangelo,

Fellini, the pizza.

Mussolini, the mafia,
garlic breath?

Self-hating Italian.

Hey, ciao,

Maria.

Buongiorno,
Maria.

Hey,

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

Benessimo.
Great.

How is Angelo?

What kind of question is that?

Hey.

When I walk
down the street now,

I feel like
everyone knows.

Why couldn't I keep
my big mouth shut?

I don't know
if I could ever forgive him.

Seeing Nino so miserable,
it kills me.

Oh, come on.

A whole new gay world
is your oyster.

You even have
a village.

Do I have
a village? No.

What am I going to do
with a village?

Anna, you know

I have nothing
in common with gays.

When no one knew about it,
it didn't seem real,

but now, it's official, I'm gay.

Hey.

Ah, Gino,
my heart stops

every time
I see you.

How are you, huh?

Bene, bene, bene.

Oh, Maria, what's
the matter, huh?

Are you not sleeping?

[LAUGHING]

What can I get
for you, huh?

Oh, my husband's
been dead

for 18 years.

What I need,
you can't offer,

because
you're married.

We make a special arrangement.

Maria, what do you say?
We help out a friend, eh?

You're better off
with your memories.

[LAUGHING] Hey...

So, Maria, what's wrong?

What's the urgent matter
you had to see me about today?

What about our sons, huh?

My son is a what?

A homo.

And he turned our Angelo
into one.

Don't blame
her son.

Who's to say
it's not our son?

I'm to say it's not our son.

Are you saying

that my Nino
is banging your Angelo?

No, I'm saying
it's the other way around.

What does it matter?

Excuse me, sir,

but if anybody

is not getting banged around
here,

it's my Nino.

And what make you think
it's Nino who doing the banging?

Because Nino is a banger.

And Angelo is not?

No.

Mrs. Paventi, I have to ask you
to leave the house.

Gladly.

Wait.

We haven't discussed
anything of importance

here.

What's to discuss?

You invite me
over here

to tell me
a sick lie,

so finita
la discussione.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Paventi.
How are you?

Oh, fuck off.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Nino, it's Anna,
my mom just told your mom.

Head for the hills.

Going somewhere?

How did you get in here?

The...the door was locked,
the alarm system was on.

Nino, I'm Sicilian.

Bello.

So you talked to...

Si.

Then you know...

I know, I know
everything.

You're not angry?

How can I be angry
with you?

You're the only kid
I got.

I love you.

I forgive everything.

You do?

It's your life.

If you want to flush it
down the toilet,

who am I
to stop you?

Mama.

If you don't care
about growing old

without a wife,

without children
to look after you,

what can I do?

Mama...

I'm so sorry.

Oh, there's nothing
to be sorry about,

but if you want,

we can just forget
this ever happened.

We can pack your bags

and get the hell
out of here.

Nino, I made
a big batch

of cannelloni.

How about it, eh?

Come back home,bello.

I am home, Mama.

Angelo and I--
Ah,basta.

I'm going to go now.

You want some cannelloni,
you come with me.

You want some disgusting
mortal sin activity,

you stay here.

Well...

If it isn't the wife.

How are you Signora Paventi?

Oh, Nino, look at
this beautiful face,

huh?

Nice, eh?

Now,

think of his big,
fat mother,

because
that's the face

you're going
to end up with.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Oh, don't worry, Nino,
she'll come around.

Hey, you'll
never guess

what I did today.

I went to
the gay Village.

I just went to see
what it was like,

and I hated it,
hated it,

but...here, look
at what I found.

There's a gay cop association
in Montr

Isn't that great?

I don't want to be part
of a gay anything.

Are you kidding?
I would become a cop

just to be part
of this association.

Angelo, I know you mean well,

but please stop trying to help,
okay?

Okay.

It's been a rough day.

I'm going to bed.

[

[CHUCKLING]

Hey.

Hey.

My life basically consists

of a series of horror movies
strung together, you know?

But since my brother came out,

everything
is even more horrific.

And why is that?

Because we're Italian...

Mm-hmm.

And can you believe that...

What?

I'm the--the sane one
in the family?

I'm afraid
our time is up.

Let's discuss this some more
next week.

Hmm?

There's not going to be
a next week.

Why not?

Because I never see
the same psychiatrist twice.

Never,bella?

No, never.

What?
You know too much about me.

It's embarrassing.

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

I did go to Pius X
High School, yes.

Dino.
Nino.

Mastronomo.

Paventi.

Of course, Nino Paventi.
I'm so stupid.

You were homecoming king
with my best friend,

Gina Della Rovere.

Gina?

Oh, my God, it's been years.
How is Gina?

Married...

Two kids...

Two kids.

What's wrong?

Me, I thought
I would be married too, by now.

[SOBBING]

I'm sorry,
I...I didn't get your name.

Pina,

Pina Lunetti.

It's nice to meet you, Pina.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Ah, shit.

Lunetti.

What do you mean

Moretti
didn't show up?

Listen,

the contract
says today,

and I want them
today,

so if Moretti

doesn't show up
with his fucking doors,

it's his ass in the sling
along with yours.

Ha capito? Good.

Shit.

Come. I was about to leave too.

When my father
had his heart attack,

he was forced
to retire,

so I took over.

You run this company
by yourself?

Yep.

You, you're not
married?

Me? No, no.

How come?

All the girls at school,

we always said that you'd be
the first to marry,

because you're such a hunk.

Thanks.

So, um...
what do you do?

I'm a cop.

Oops.

So...

Aren't you going
to invite me over?

We could...talk some more.

I'm going to have to pass.

Look...

My numbers are on the card.

Call me sometime,
okay?

Okay.

[GROANS]

Anna.

Anna!

Get some camomilla
for your father.

Okay.

Again with
your stomaco?

I feel like
somebody lit a match

and then put it up
in here.

I don't know
how much more

I can take, Mari.

Calma.

You just need
to keep calm.

Calm? How can I keep calm?

My life
is one big disappointment

after another.

That's all
you know how to do?

Feel sorry
about the way

your life
turned out?

You think I'm having
such a great time here?

Mari...

Angelo, we still love him?

Of course we still love him.

He's still
our beautiful Angelo.

If Angelo
is still our beautiful Angelo,

will you tell me why is so hard
to pick up the phone

and call him up.

Eh?

I don't know, Gi.

Mari...

I don't know, Gi.

I just don't know.

[

Why, Ruta Lee, I do declare--

I have never seen you
looking so peaked

in your entire life.

Your engagement to Brent
isn't agreeing with you at all,

is it?

Jolene, I don't know what
you're babbling about.

Brent and I
are crazy in love.

Then why am I
carrying his child?

Why, that is
the sickest lie

I ever did hear.

Now, I think you
owe me an apology.

[GASPS]

I know my mom and your mom
go back a long way,

but your script, huh,
what can I say?

Worst piece of shit
I ever read in my life,

and believe me,

I know shit,
because I produce plenty of it,

but the Civil War?

What the fuck do you know
about that?

What, you were a fucking slave
in a previous life?

Or perhaps you were
Abraham fucking Lincoln, huh?

Or maybe you were one of them
fucking Southern belles

with the big hoop skirt
and the weird accent?

Nah, nah, nah, if I was you,

I would quit while I was ahead

and forget about writing
altogether, huh?

So...how's your mom?

Good.

Good.

Lina?

Your husband's
looking good.

Thanks.

So...have you spoken to--

No, you?

Me neither.

Listen, Maria,

what the kids
are going through,

it's just a phase.

I hear a lot of guys
go through that

when they're
teenagers.

Lina, they're grown men.

They're late, that's all.

I'm thinking

we should have a dinner party
at your place.

You provide the food.

I'll bring along
this nice Italian girl I know.

What for?

For Angelo.

Anna, is she seeing anyone?

No.

Good.

She's perfect for Nino.

Well, if he could fall
for the brother,

he could fall
for the sister, no?

No offense, Lina,
but this sounds crazy.

No offense taken.

Is a week from Saturday
good for you?

Yes.

Good, a week

from Saturday
it is.

Oh, I'm so happy
we're friends again.

Uh...

I've been meaning to
tell you something.

What?

Your friend,

the guy
you live with?

Angelo?

Yeah, him.

You know me,

I don't listen
to gossip, but...

my girlfriend's
sister

has a cousin
who works with him,

and let me tell you,
everyone's talking.

About what?

About...

don't get me wrong,

I don't have anything
against those people.

Travel agents?

No, you know...

fags.

Angelo isn't a fag.

Even if he was,
I don't see how it concerns you.

I'll tell you
how it concerns me.

You live with the guy,

and you spend
the rest of your time

with me.

If they start
talking queer

about you,

me...

I'm changing partners.

Hey.

Hey.

I didn't think
you were going to call me.

Why not?

Because of the stupid way
I acted last time,

bawling my eyes out
like an idiot.

I don't think you acted stupid.

[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

Hey. How did your meeting
with Cristofaro go?

Don't ask.

That good, huh?

It's funny, you know.

No matter
how much I blame my parents

for all my neurosis,

all my happiest memories
are with them--

Family vacations, weddings,
Sunday get-togethers...

[SINGING IN ITALIAN]

What chaos.

What beautiful, serene chaos.

I think the problem
with us Italians

is that...

when we leave our world
to go into the real world,

there's nothing serene
about the chaos we encounter.

When people scream at you,
they're really screaming at you.

Why are you so sad?

Because...

the other night, there was...
a little reunion supper

at my house.

There was plenty of chaos.

For the first time,

there was nothing serene
about it.

So, Nino,

you think the Canadiens
have a chance this year?

I have no idea, really.

Hmm.

He's not interested in hockey.

No, I'm very interested.

Oh, really?

Yes.

Nino played hockey
right through university.

He was always the star player.

So I guess
hockey is not the answer,

huh, Gino?

So are we going to have
the big discussion

before
or after supper?

Discuss?

What's to discuss?

We're going to have
a pleasant evening.

Oh, yes, a pleasant evening.

If we don't talk about it,
it doesn't exist, right?

Angelo.
[DOORBELL RINGING]

I'll get it.

What's the matter with you?

Nothing.

How's it going?

Good.

Yeah? Good.

Gino.

Lina.

Buonasera, everybody.
Oh, Anna,

sempre cos bella,
always so gorgeous.

Look at you.
Look at her, Nino,

so young,
so beautiful.

Ah.

Ah...Angelo.

Hmm...well,

what a handsome
young man

you turned out
to be, huh?

Are you sure
he's not adopted?

So...

Mama.
Nino,

why you don't call, eh?

How come you never call
your povera old mama?

Because I'm scared.

Oh, you joker.

Where's
your friend?

She's parking the car.

Good.

Everybody, I hope
you don't mind.

I brought
a friend along.

All by herself
on a Saturday night,

huh?
[DOORBELL RINGING]

Come on in, doll.

Buonasera.

Buonasera.

Everyone,

this is--
Nino?

Pina, that's--

You two know
each other?

Yeah, Nino and me--

We went to the same high school.

Oh, same
high school.

That's not too far
from here.

Good old Pius X.

You went
to Pius too?

Unfortunately.

Thank you.

What--then I should know you.
Don't tell me.

Angelo.

Angelo Barberini.

[

The fag?

[POPPING PILLS]

My past has come back
to haunt me.

Who knew it had such big hair?

This is
the nice young man

you wanted me
to meet? The fag?

Meet?

Pina, honey,
I didn't know.

All of Pius knew.

What's going on here?

Yeah, what is going on?

What's going on

is we're going to have
a very pleasant evening.

Yeah, I'm going home.

No, you stay here.

The roast
is almost ready.

Come on, Nino,
let's go.

Hold on a second.
Go where?

None of your business.

No, Nino is
my business.

Nino, what does he
mean by that?

The roast is ready!

Come on.Mangiamo. Let's go.

Nino, tell her
what I mean by that.

We'll discuss this
some other time.

Why some other time?

What happened in the car,
that was all pretend?

Pina...

What happened
in the car?

What car?
His car.

Our car?
Your car?

Your car, his car,
who cares what car?

What did you do
in the goddamn car?

We made love.

Yes!

[LAUGHING]

Yes, yes, yes!

[POPPING PILLS]

You're a fucking liar.

Oh yeah?

Tell him, Nino.

Nino?

You brought this
on yourself.

What?

Yeah, you
and your coming out.

Coming out from where?

A phase.

Again with this phase.
Your son is gay.

Angelo.

I don't want this anymore, okay?

You're just going to
have to deal with that.

What don't you want?
Me, us? What?

Oh, God,
I think I'm going to be sick.

Let's just go home, okay?

Nino, let's just go.

Nino, come on.
Don't touch me.

Let's just go home.
It'll be fine.

Back off.

I don't want this.

What is
going on here?

My God, what the fuck
is going on here?

Leave him be, Angelo.

Leave him be?
Ma, this is not some kid

who doesn't want
to play with me anymore.

This is my love--

Basta.

I don't want this anymore,
Angelo.

Understood?

Were you in on this?

Were you all in on this?

You know you're welcome
to move back with us

anytime.

You can come even
tonight if you want.

Oh...

What a comfort.

No, I've done my time,
so you can forget about it.

Time?

What time?

I spent
almost 30 years

in this prison,

this prison of guilt
and fear and lies,

and I'm not about to come back.

[GROAN]

Angelo, I think that's enough.

Oh, that's right.
Pa is rubbing his stomach.

I wouldn't want to trigger one
of his psychosomatic attacks.

You think this...

I wouldn't wish
this pain

on my worst enemy.

Are you paying close attention,
Nino?

Are you?

Because this is going
to be your life in 20 years.

We've heard enough, Angelo.

What's wrong
with our lives?

Where would you like me
to start?

I mean, the only
worthwhile thing you ever did

was leave that spit
of a village of yours

in Italy
to come here.

But you never really left,
did you?

Because when you came here,

you brought
that spit of a village with you

and dropped it on your houses
like a ton of bricks,

and then, even after
coming all this way,

you spent,
what is it now?

30, 40 years

reminiscing
about your stupid lives

in that spit
of a village.

That's it.

Cry, Ma...cry,

because unlike Pa,

I want to inflict my pain
on all of you,

because it's stronger
than my guilt right now,

so cry...

cry over your ingrate son,
over your dead sister,

or your stupid, worthless life.

Angelo, that's enough!

And there we have it...

The slap,

the end to the quintessential
Italian melodrama.

It's been a lovely evening,
but I really must go.

I hope you all enjoy your lives
in your respective cocoons.

If any of you would like
to get in touch with me,

I'll be living
in the real world.

Oh, but first,
there's one thing I must do.

Ow!

God help us...it's real.

I always wanted
big hair like hers.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Nino...

Pina's on the phone.

Nino, she's called
about a million times.

When are you going
to talk to her?

You should see this chick,
she's freaking gorgeous.

She's hot,
but more than that,

she's a classy broad.

Where are you going
to find a classy broad?

She dresses good,

she knows how to
handle herself

in public,
and she's smart.

She's a freaking
brainiac.

You know what she
told me the other day?

Dear Father,

I've been coming here
every Saturday afternoon

for the last 30 years.

Si, si, si.

At 2:45 p.m.
after you finished the vacuuming

and while the tomato sauce
is simmering.

Eh.

But today, I came here
to ask for a miracle.

You see, Father,

I agreed to put
a stupid scheme in motion

and now my entire family
is torn apart.

What did you do now, Maria?

I tried to set my son up
with some puttana.

Pardon my language.

Go on, my child.

And I don't know if I could ever
forgive my son

for all the things
he said to me,

but I want him to be cured.

I need
this miracle,

so in return I must forgive him.

Is your son gravely ill?

No. He's gravely gay.

Dear Nino...

This is the only way
I can think of

that I might be able
to reach you.

So I ask you,

please read this through
before closing your mind,

before shutting me out forever.

Keeping my love for you
a secret from the world

seemed like a betrayal
of that love.

I was so drunk and delirious

on the hope
that you brought me,

I lost sight of its source,
and I betrayed you instead.

Now I know
that I don't need anyone else

to know about us.

We are enough,

and even if a closet
must protect our love,

it will never contain it.

Ah, Nino.

Bello.

Guess who called today?

I would do anything
to make things right again.

There is no one
if there isn't you, Nino.

When you left,

everything stopped
making sense.

I love you, Nino,

and can't bear
to be without you.

Your Angelo.

Hey, it's me.

Um, I know I should have
called you before, but...

can we meet?

["RETURN TO ME"
BY DEAN MARTIN PLAYING]

[SHOUTING IN ITALIAN]

So, how's your writing going?

Never better.

I gave up.

Oh.

How are you, Angelo?

Good.

No, Angelo,

how are you
really feeling,

you know?

What's the matter
with you?

Nothing. What?

A sister can't try

to help out
her brother?

Since when do we
help each other out?

Okay, we're going out.

Going out?

Yeah, it makes
perfect sense.

Angelo, you need to
meet some new people

to replace the ones
that you lost.

Come on,
let's go dancing.

Anna, you know
I hate bars.

That's because
you've never been
to one with me.

Forget about it.

Okay, we won't
go to a bar.

We're going to
go to, uh...

We're going
to go to...

Aw...

There's got to be
one gay place in this city

filled with boring people
just like you.

Hi. My name is Steve,

and I want to volunteer
at Gay Help Line

because I'm from a small town,

and, uh, there was no one
for me to call

when I was a teenager...

and I really want
to thank Gay Help Line

for giving me the opportunity
to be that someone

that teenagers can call.

Thank you.

[APPLAUSE]

That's great.

Yeah, I'm Alicia,

and, um,
I want to join Gay Help Line,

because if I could prevent
just one gay teen

from putting a bullet
through his head

and make him stand up
and shout "I'm gay. Gay!

"And if you don't like it,
you can all go fuck yourselves,

you twisted motherfuckers!"

Then I'll be happy.

[APPLAUSE]

Uh...Hi.

Um, my name is Angelo,
and, uh, I'm Italian...

and why do I want
to volunteer here?

Uh, good question.

Let's see.

Um...I've been going through
a very hard time,

and I've been in the closet
all my life,

so...

I want to meet
other gay people,

but not the ones who hang out
in the bars or in the Village.

I called here once,

and the guy
on the other end

sounded really cool,

so I thought this might be
a good place

to make gay friends.

So long as they're not
effeminate.

Keep those away from me...

and I want to help stop
gay teen suicide.

You know,
something tells me

I didn't make a very good
first impression.

Forget about it.
Just try to relax.

Now, do you
prefer headsets

or a regular phone?

Well, I'm quite good
with these.

Okay.

[SIGHS]

Are you okay?

Yeah. Yeah.

Because it's normal
to feel nervous the first time.

Nervous? No, no.

This isn't nervous,
this us, uh...

petrified.

You'll do fine.

Just remember that
the callers need to feel

that what they're saying is not
falling on deaf ears, okay?

Okay.

We're not here to give advice.
We're not here to judge.

No judging?
Then what's the point?

[CHUCKLES]

Um...

So, uh,
so do you do this often?

Yeah. Every Saturday afternoon
like clockwork.

And you enjoy listening
to other people's problems?

Well, it, um,
it gets me out of my head,

and it's a great way to relax.

Actually, I started doing it
because, like you,

I don't like bars,

and I wanted to meet
interesting people.

Have you met any?

Um...not until today.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

You ready?
No.

Yes, you are.
Go!

Hello, Gay Help Line,
how may I help you?

My parents are going to kill me
if I tell them I'm a fag,

but I can't go on this way.

You don't have to tell them.

But this is killing me.

Then tell them.
Then they'll
kill me.

Well, then you've got
nothing to lose,

because either way,
you'll end up dead, right?

[DIAL TONE]

Hello?

Hello?

I guess humor's
out of the question, huh?

Just listen
and try and feel their pain.

Feel their pain?

Yes. If someone calls and says

"Things are really bad
right now,"

you answer, full of compassion,

"Things are really bad
right now, huh?"

Okay?

Got it.

Gay Help Line.
How may I help you?

I never should've taken
those illegal hormones.

You never should have taken
those illegal hormones, huh?

I'm really depressed--

You're really depressed, huh?

Well, yes. I don't want
the sex change anymore,

and now I'm stuck
with small breasts, a low voice,

and I can't get an erection.

Uh...you're stuck with
small breasts and a low voice,

and you can't...
get an erection, huh?

[CLEARS THROAT]

I ruined my life.

No kidding!

[LAUGHING]

I mean, uh...uh...

Whoo...

You ruined your life, huh?

What's so funny?

Nothing...

Nothing.
Um, you're going to be fine.

Don't worry about the breasts.

Don't worry about
the small, uh, um...erection.

Things are fine, right?

You've just got to play around
a little bit with it all, okay?

Um...

I can't do this.

I've sent her
three love letters.

She hasn't responded,

but I can tell
just by looking at her

that she's madly
in love with me too.

You've written her
three love letters, and she...

Look, um, lady,
I'm really sorry,

but I can't help you.

Okay, I thought
I could,

but I can't.

Uh, so I suggest you hang up
and call back

when someone much more competent
than me can help you, okay?

Is this the Gay Help Center?

Do I have
the wrong phone number?

No, this is Gay Help Line.

Well then, why aren't you
Gay Helping me?

Because I told you, I'm no good.

You're good. You're great.
I feel better already.

No, you don't.

Yes, I do. You've got a very
calming kind of voice.

I don't have a calming anything,

so I suggest you hang up
and call back later, okay?

No, I'm going to stay
on this line

for a lot longer than you think.

No. I want you to hang up.

No, I'm not gonna hang up.

Yes, please
hang up.
No!

Please hang up.
You first.

Fine!

[DIAL TONE]

Hello?

Hello?

Gay Help Line?

I guess I'm not
helpline material.

Well, active listening's
not for everyone.

Well, I've got years
of non-experience.

Talking and not listening
is an Italian tradition.

[LAUGHS]

Let me ask you
something.

Do you really think

you're helping
those callers

by going
so easy on them?

What do you mean?

Well, take me
for example.

Now, I came out
of the closet knowing

that my boyfriend
didn't want to.

Now, do I need to hear,
"Oh, your boyfriend left you?"

No. I need someone to tell me,

"Next time,
think twice before you fuck up."

Angelo, if you can't have
compassion for yourself,

how you going to have it
for others?

Right.

I've got to go.

Hey, listen.

Do you want to go
for a beer or something?

What for?

So I can lecture you some more

on the benefits
of unconditional compassion.

What, you want to convert me?

Maybe.
I'm a hopeless case.

I know you are,
but I--I love a good challenge.

You do, huh?
Mm-hm.

Oh...that's the best offer
I've had in a long time,

but, uh, after all that
active non-listening,

I'm really drained,
so I'm going to have to pass.

Okay,

but if you
change your mind

you know where
to find me.

Yes, I do.

Okay.

Gino...

[SNORING]

Gino...

Gino!

I wasn't asleep.

Do you have to fall asleep
every time we visit my sister?

What does she care?
She's dead already.

Don't be rude.

Angelo and Yolanda.

One of a kind.

How do you mean?

She wanted to be
different too,

but we were so
afraid for her.

Scared that if she
went after her dream

of becoming
an actress,

she would end up
in a bad way,

and look where
she ended up at 33.

Bunch of idiots,
we were.

Kept on feeding
her pills

to calm her down,

instead of
letting her fly.

Then one day
she flew

straight into
the river.

What a way

of giving us all
the finger.

Mari...

Mari, that was
an accident.

No, it was no
accident, Gi.

No accident,
and now I realize

all the mistakes I made
with my baby sister,

I repeated them
with my son.

No, no, no.

It was all
my fault, Gi.

No, no, no, no.

The only thing
is your fault--

you make me
a happy man.

Take care, Yolanda.

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

Let's go home, huh?

Come on.

[MUTTERING]

Yes, sir, I apologize, but...

I know your client is in the UK,
but you didn't say Glasgow,

you insisted on New Glasgow.

That's north of Montr

That's why I chartered a bus.

I saw New Glasgow,
you're the one--

No. I don't mean to be
confrontational,

but there is no New Glasgow
in Scotland.

Yeah, there is.

No, they don't need a new one.
They have the old one.

Well, it's actually
quite simple.

You see, many years ago,
people from Glasgow--

Glasconians--

left the old Glasgow,
and they came here,

and they built a new Glasgow,

and they called it New Glasgow,
because it was new.

Now, according
to theoretical physics,

eventually we'll be able
to fold space,

so that technically,

the New Glasgow will overlap
the old Glasgow,

enabling us to travel
between the two

without ever having to move
in either time or space,

but until then,
let me assure you

that they are quite
different places.

Did I mention that New Glasgow
just got waterslides?

Those are fun.

I'm suing
everybody.

I'm taking you
to court.

Hey, you
understand?

Are you there?
Hey! Hey.

[

[NEEDLE SCRAPES OFF RECORD]

What are you all dressed up for?

You're not going
anywhere.

Listen, Johnny,
I really want to work in TV.

Any job would do.

Fuck, I can't hire you

to clean the fucking toilets
around here.

I had to lay off about a million
people yesterday.

Things are bad, Angelo.

Between you and me?

My last series didn't fly.

I could be on the street soon.

Imagine, a fucking bag man.

[CLEARS THROAT]

What about you?
You gave up writing?

Yeah.

That's too bad,
but listen,

if you ever come up
with an idea for a series,

I want you to give me a call,
all right?

So long as it's not
about the fucking Civil War.

Why don't you write

about stuff you
know about anyway?

You're young.
Write about young people.

You know, good-looking,
bikinis, tans,

abs, boobs, everything.

That's what
the networks want--

young.

How's your mother?

Good.

Good.

Disgraziata.

That woman's
a disgraziata.

What now?

Listen to
this, Gino.

"La Signora
Lina Paventi

"is honored
to invite you

to the wedding
of her son, Nino--"

do I need to go on?

Nino getting
married?

To Pina.
La puttana.

Ah.

And look at this.

She even includes
a hand-written note.

"Dear Maria and Gino,

"I'm sorry for
what happened.

"Please see this invite
as a peace offering.

"I pray San Giuseppe
you can make it.

Love, Lina."

What's wrong with that?

You've got to read
between the lines.

What this
really says is

"Dear Maria and Gino,

"I'm sorry your son is
still an omosessuale.

"Please see this
invite as proof

"that mine is not.

"I pray San Giuseppe
you can make it,

"so you can
watch me gloat.

Love, Lina!"

Disgraziata!

Let me tear up
the invitation.

No. No. No!

I'm going to
send it back.

RSVP.

Vaffanculo.
Love, Maria and Gino.

and we're not
sending them a gift.

No gift.

Ma sei matto? We've got
to get them a gift.

You want Lina to
think we're cheap?

Nobody think I'm cheap.

We make a check
for $200,

and then we don't
show up.

Ma sei scemo?
We can't not show up.

She's going to tell everyone
that we're jealous!

Jealous?
Jealous of what?

We go, but I don't buy
a new suit.

You want to look
like a bum?

We go shopping
tomorrow.

The best suit,

the most
beautiful dress,

and the biggest gift.

That'll show her.

Yeah, we'll go,

but we'll have
a lousy time.

We'll look our watch
all night,

and we yawn.

We can't have
a lousy time.

Then she's going to
think we're bitter.

We dance until dawn.
That'll spite her.

We can't dance
until dawn.

Then she's going
to think

we're putting up
a good front.

We...We...

Maria, this make me tired.

Are you sure
about this, Pina?

Sure. With cannelloni,
you can never go wrong.

[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]

you and Nino...

marrying a bisexual...

I am not marrying
a bisexual.

Jesus fucking Christ,

why didn't I
keep my mouth shut?

I'm marrying Nino.

He was in love with Angelo,
but now he's in love with me.

Okay?

Okay.

And you know
what that means?

That means that I am sexy enough
to convert him.

Uh...

Me? I can convert
anybody.

Give me an hour
in the gay village,

and there's not going to be
a gay village no more.

Ha capito?

So can we change the subject?

Sure,

but if he ever asks you
to strap on a dildo...

Stop it.

...call me. I have
quite the collection.

Stop it.

I have an announcement to make.

What now?

I'm quitting my job
to become a writer.

A writer?

Wow. Cool.

Who's going to read
what you write?

That should be
a hobby.

Where's the security
in that?

Where's
the pension plan?

ANNA: Just don't
listen to them.

Ignore them,
Angelo.

Look, this is what I want to do
with my life,

and you know what?
I'm going to be a big success.

Did we ever do what we wanted to
in our lives?

Never.

Does anybody ever hate his job
like I hate my job?

No one!

And yet you see
me go to work

every day
and look at me now!

And what do you got?

Security.

And a pension plan.

Gino. Maria,

what are you two
doing here, huh?

We live here.

Come stai, Lina?

Bene.

I got your RSVP.

Oh, Maria,
I can't tell you

how happy I am

you're going to come
to the wedding.

Oh, Maria.

Wait till you see
Pina's wedding dress.

The first time
she put it on,

I cried like a baby.

Oh, she looks just like
the Madonna.

I'm sure the Madonna's
real happy about that.

Let me just take a minute
to tell you how sorry I am,

about what happened
at your house that night.

Nothing to be
sorry about.

Ah, the way Angelo spoke to you,
it was disgusting.

He was upset.

Yeah, he was upset.

Well, now he's alone like a dog,
and that's what he deserves.

Who says he's alone
like a dog?

Yeah. Who says?

Why? Are you
talking to him?

I just assumed--

Always a mistake to assume.

Big mistake to assume.

Ah, he's moved back in with you?

Why would he want
to do that?

He's an adult.

Adults should live
on their own.

Well, whatever you say.

I just hope he finds himself
a nice Italian girl.

He won't find himself
a nice Italian girl.

He's gay.

Nobody is gayer
than my son.

Yes...

and he's got a new boyfriend.

A gorgeous man!

Loves Angelo
to death!

I should love my wife,
the way he love Angelo!

[CHUCKLING]

I never gave you back
my set of keys.

I--I know I should have called,
but, you know, it was a--

a spur of the moment thing.

Okay, I'm going to...

You don't have
to leave right away.

How you been, Angelo?

How do you think?

Hey, listen, you know,
what happened...

it's for the best.

It was?

Listen, this--
this marriage thing,

it's really cool.

Nino...
what are you talking about?

I'm just saying, you know,

you might want to give it a try.
It's...

I know you're seeing
a new guy--

A new guy?

Yeah.

Your mom told my mom
the other day.

She said that
your parents acted

as though being gay was normal.

My mother said
that I was seeing a man?

Yeah.

Nino...

is this why you came here?

To check up on me?

I just want to make sure
you're okay.

I'm okay.

I never meant to hurt you.

Did you ever love me?

Come on, Angelo.
That's not fair.

Did you?

We had a thing together,
and it was--it was fun,

but it's over.

Everything's going to be okay.

Tell me you're
going to be okay.

Are you going to be okay?

[SIGHING]

It's all my parents fault.

What am I saying?

It's not my parents fault.
It's mine.

I did this to myself.

I single-handedly fucked up
every aspect of my life.

I guess it's a talent.

You're not thinking
very highly

of yourself,
are you?

No.

They told Nino's mother
I had a new boyfriend.

How does that
make you feel?

I don't know.

I'd like to call them,
but I wouldn't know what to say.

That's
understandable.

What are you
feeling right now?

[LAUGHING]

I'm sorry, I can't.

This is stupid.

Fine. I should chop my head off
before I try to help you again.

Oh no, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

If you took me seriously...

I could really help you,
you know.

All right,
all right.

Look,
let's continue.

Yeah, but you've got to trust
that I know what I'm doing.

I trust, I trust.

Okay.

Okay.

Now I'm ready.

If you had Ma and Pa
in front of you,

what would you tell them?

I don't know.

Think about it.
I am thinking
about it.

Think about it more.
I am thinking
about it more.

You're not thinking about it
hard enough.

Who are you to tell me

that I'm not thinking about it
hard enough?

Fine. Forget about it.

You think you can figure
this one out by yourself?

Well, you go ahead.
You figure.

I would--
I would tell them

that the last thing I wanted
to do was to hurt them.

Go on.

I told them I was gay,
because I wanted them to know...

I told them I was gay,

because I didn't want them
to die

without knowing who I really am.

They deserve to know
who their son is.

Not an illusion
or a delusion of who I am,

but who I am for real.

I did it all wrong but, um,
oh...

Damn, I'm good.

Ah!

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

[ARGUING IN ITALIAN]

Perdonami Padre,
for I have sinned.

Perdonami Padre,
for I have sinned.

Is anyone in there?

Yes?

Twice I have taken the name
of the Lord in vain.

Ma, it's me.

Angelo?

Are you crazy.
What are you doing in there?

We have to
talk, Ma.
At confession?

Forgive me, Mother,
for I have sinned.

Aw, shut up.

I have called you
and your life worthless

and for that,
I am truly sorry.

Oh, yeah? Why now?

What do you mean, why now?

I mean why did you wait
all this time to be sorry?

Do you have
any idea

of the pain
you've put me through?

Cut him
some slack.

Who's that?

The holy
spirit, Ma.

Anna, where are you?

Here Ma, in
the next booth.

What did you do
to Father Carmignani?

We bribed him.

Yeah, with
a bottle of wine

and a carton
of cigarettes.

Hey, Mari, what are you
taking you so long?

Will you get out of here?
I'm trying to confess myself.

Padre, she no let me
touch her anymore.

Isn't that a mortal sin?

Will you stop?

Angelo's in there.

Ou--Our Angelo?

How are you, Pa?

Angelo...you become a priest?

Worse.

He bribed Father Carmignani.

A bottle of wine
and a carton of cigarettes.

Can you believe that?

No, he usually settle
for a bottle of wine.

You got screwed, Angelo.

What, you guys bribed him
already?

Who is that?
Your daughter.

Anna, have you seen
my "Forza Italia" hat?

Your mother lost it
on me again.

Would you please...

Our son is trying
to apologize to us.

You know, guys,
I realize

that what I said to you
was awful,

but what you did,

trying to set me up
with Pina and stuff,

that was pretty low.

I told her it was a stupid idea.

Aw, shut up.

I know we're not
the perfect parents,

but we did do some things right.

Some things.

And we are not worthless.

Hai capito?

Hey, I apologized for that
already.

Well, let me tell you,
you haven't finished.

What about the apology
you owe me?

Come to supper tonight,

if you're willing to step back
in that prison.

I'm sorry about that too.

All right, how are we going
to get out of here?

If anyone sees us coming out
together, they'll talk.

Probably already talking
about your fag son, right, Ma?

Please, Angelo,
they been talking

since my sister died.

All right, I say
we all go out at one time.

With our heads high
up in the sky.

With all of Little Italy
as our witness. Eh?

All right,
one, two and a three...

[TOGETHER]: Eh.

Do we need to pass by
the grocery store

to get something?

Yeah, we're
out of cheese.

Oh, I'll get
some cigarettes.

Angelo...

Angelo. Angelo.
Angelo...

What is it, Papa?

Hey, boss,

thanks a lot for giving me back
my famiglia, hey.

Come on.

Disgraziata.

Gino, what if she
can read lips?

Then there is a God.

[WEDDING MARCH PLAYING]

[SOBBING]

Today is a very special day.

I have known the groom Nino
all his life.

I baptized him,

I gave him his
first communion,

and when he hit puberty

and was having
certain "problems"

due to his, um, how do you say,
sudden "growth..."

I'm the one
who suggested

he get circumcised.

If anyone here
sees any just cause

why these two
should not be married

speak now,

or forever
hold your peace.

Where do I start?

Nino Paventi...

[DOOR BANGING OPEN]

Scu--Scusate.

Scusate.

I know this is difficult,
but I'm here for you.

I was wondering if your offer
to convert me was still valid?

Um...absolutely.

Good.

Hello?

Gay Line?

Hello?

My life has become
even more of a nightmare.

My brother wrote this TV show,
based on our family...

and I'm portrayed
as this pathetic,

pill-popping woman-child

stuck in the vicious circle
of self-pity.

If we're going to have
one more argument

about why Angelo
left home again,

me, I'm leaving
the table.

No one is
leaving the table

until supper
is done!

Who are you
to tell her

when she can leave
this table, huh?

Yeah.
Who are you?

Hey, he's your
father, that's who.

Where she learn
to talk back,

this one,
I don't know.

She learned
from you!

She learned
from me?

Yeah, from you!

This is really,
really good, Mama.

And what
inspired you

to write this
television show

about the Italian community?

Gee, I don't know,
the Greek community?

[LAUGHS]

He can't [BEEP] help himself.

I'm telling ya,

this mother [BEEP]
is a [BEEP] genius.

It's safe to say

that my family inspired me.

When I was little,
I had this aunt, Yolanda.

She was the coolest
of my relatives.

She always wanted
to be different.

She was always trying
to teach everyone

how to do the Mambo,

but they were stuck
doing the Tarantella.

I wish she were here.

This is a tribute to her
and to my family.

This little mother [BEEP]
gets me every time.

A tribute to his family.

Please, like we need a tribute.

My brother is so delusional.

Being gay and Italian,

I wouldn't wish that
on my worst enemy.

I mean, the hatred, you know,
the prejudice.

I think living in denial
is an Italian tradition.

Oh, my God!

She's going to make
a lousy mother.

God, why am I such a bitch?

They're happy, so what?

Why should that affect me
in any way?

Just because I don't have
a wonderful husband like Nino?

Nino, the heroic cop...

Nino, the perfect son
and husband...

Nino, the perfect
camping buddy...

I'm afraid
our time is up.

See you
next week?

Oh no. Don't take it personal.

I never see the same
psychiatrist twice.

I know.

We saw each other already.

We did.

I can't believe
I didn't recognize you.

So next
Tuesday night.

Is that okay
with you?

Okay, next Tuesday night,

but it'll be the last time
you see my face, eh?

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

What is this
world coming to?

At least Angelo could
have had the decency

of finding himself
a nice Italian boy.

Eh.

I always told him,
you know?

You ever stop writing,

I'm going to come over
to your house

and I'm going to kick
your [BEEP] ass.

Don't give up.
He's a genius.

He said that.

I stopped once,
and he did.

Yeah, I kicked your ass
a little bit,

but it wasn't
too bad, huh?

Just a little
whooping.

I threatened
to throw him

out the [BEEP]
window once,

but that
was a joke.

That was just
a little tease.

I'm used to it.

[

[SINGING IN ITALIAN]

[SINGING IN ITALIAN]

[SINGING IN ITALIAN]

[

[SINGING IN ITALIAN]

[