Original subtitles

[

[SINGING IN ITALIAN]

[SINGING IN ITALIAN]

Mr. Barberini.

Concettina.

Maria.

Eduardo.

Gino.

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

Maria.

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

How come your Angelo

never called back my Teresa?

He didn't have fun when they went out?

Of course he had fun.

He just didn't have time to call her back.

My apologies, huh?

No, no, no.

It's only because Teresa,

she worry he wasn't feeling well.

She said he looked pale.

Our Angelo? He's fine.

Never been better.

I am so fucked.

Hi. This is Gay Line. How can I help you?

I am so fucked.

How so?

Where do I start?

Hello?

Well, why don't you start with the beginning?

The beginning?

Yes.

When did it all start?

The day I invited my parents to come see my new apartment,

I guess.

No, Ma, Ma, don't touch anything until the cops get here.

You want them to think you live like a pig?

But I don't know why this had to happen to us,

I don't know.

No, that's not right...

In reality,

it all started

when my parents left Italy to come to America

and settled in Canada,

destination--

Montr

and my father has yet to get over it.

Nobody told us it was a two America--

the real one, United State, and the fake one, Canada.

Then to make a matter even worse,

there's a two Canada--

the real one, Ontario, and the fake one, Qu

Eh.

[MOANING]

My parents tried desperately to start a family,

but after many unsuccessful attempts...

They pretty much gave up on the idea...

MARIA: Get off of me.

And then, after what my mother refers to as...

What your father did to me while I was sleeping.

My sister Anna was born,

followed by me,

Angelo Barberini.

I grew up in a quiet, peaceful neighborhood,

but from the inside...

No,

you can't go play in the park.

You will get kidnapped.

No, you can't go swimming.

You'll drown.

No, you can't go eat

at the Bouchards' house.

They're not Italian.

Their food will kill you.

Then there was my Aunt Yolanda,

always trying to inject life

into an otherwise

"death at your doorstep" existence.

Hey, oh.

Can you shut that music?

What she has to be happy about, I don't know.

My sister, Anna,

had her own special way of calming herself down--

A tasty little treat called "Icesuckle."

To this day, she denies the fact

that she has an addictive personality.

My best friend, Nino, was always up to something.

[LAUGHING]

Nino and I were inseparable.

I enjoyed school.

I looked forward to going everyday,

until...

St. Pius X Comprehensive High School--

1500 students, 99.9% Italian,

all looking for someone to pick on,

and when I got there, their quest was over.

I could take the humiliation of being human graffiti,

but when Nino

started being ashamed to be seen with me...

He'd talk to me only on Saturday.

On weekends, it was like old times.

Eventually,

Nino stopped coming over even on Saturdays.

I guess word got around

that he was hanging out with me.

That's when my Aunt Yolanda became my best friend.

She was something, my aunt.

She wanted to become an actress,

a movie star,

but the famiglia had other plans for her...

[WEDDING MUSIC PLAYING]

And shortly after they married her off...

Don't cry, figlio mio.

Zia Yolanda is in heaven now.

After she died, the only thing that brought me joy

was television.

I would tape my favorite shows,

watch them over and over,

and write down every word of the script.

For a couple of hours a day, I would forget

that I was nothing but a piece of shit.

Unlike me,

my sister was quite popular in high school.

[UNZIPPING]

Who knew all those Icesuckles would pay off one day?

Salute.

Salute.

Somehow I made it through high school,

and I decided that it was time I tell the world a secret

that was buried deep inside me.

I want to become a television writer.

My mother still refers to this as...

The day you took 10 years off my life.

So I went to university to study law,

but I quit school

after three months of mind-numbing boredom,

and found a job

in the glamorous world of corporate travel,

a perfect occupation for a young go-getter

thirsting to be abused by filthy rich business people

and/or their assistants

and/or their assistant's assistants.

I am so sorry, sir. I take full responsibility.

No, when you said "Paris,"

it was stupid of me to assume that you were going to France.

No kidding.

Of course I should have guessed

that you had a branch office in Ontario.

Everyone spoke French.

Oh, everyone spoke French, huh? Oh, that must've been horrible.

Yes, sir, it's completely my fault,

though I am surprised

that the layover in Brussels didn't tip you off.

Common mistake, sir.

Brussels is considered by many to be the Minneapolis of Europe.

I hate my job.

Uh-huh.

Thank God for my exciting social life.

Ma, it's my first glass.

It's your second.

If your mother says it's your second,

it's your second.

Just like your side of the family--

Always with a glass in her hand.

Your Uncle Dominic died

because of his heavy drinking, you know.

For your information,

my brother Dominic died of lung cancer.

It was your Aunt Yolanda who drowned

in a barrel of whiskey.

Okay, if we're going to have another argument

about who died the most violent death,

me, I'm leaving the table.

Nobody leave the table until you finish supper.

Yeah? What happens if I leave the table?

That's what happen.

There is nothing like a relaxing evening at home.

I should know.

I didn't move out of the house until I was 27.

Seriously?

Seriously.

I have this neighbor, Massimo--

69 years old, never married, and still living at home.

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

It's a cultural thing.

Us Italians, we leave the house either two ways--

married or dead,

and knowing for sure that I would never get married,

I knew I had to do something drastic.

Figlio mio. Why?

Why?

Why?

Just go, and don't look back.

Leaving was easy.

Bringing them to visit my new apartment

was the hard part.

This building got to be 100 year old.

That's part of its charm.

What's so charming about it being old?

We're old...

And we're not charming.

No, Ma, Ma, don't touch anything until the cops get here.

You want them to think you live like a pig?

But I don't know why this had to happen to us,

I don't know.

No, me, Pa, it happened to me.

I'm the one who got robbed, right?

No "rob."

This is act of terrorism

against Italian people.

I want you to move back home.

No, Ma, I am not moving back home.

Come in at your own risk.

Oh, officer,

thank God you're here.

Tell my son

that this is not a safe neighborhood.

Well, these things happen all over the city.

Paventi...Nino?

That's right. How are you?

Nino.

Gino, this is Nino,

Lina's son, Nino.

Angelo, you remember?

Actually, that's why I took the call.

I wanted to see what my old bud was up to.

Being attacked by thugs.

Not much has changed

since we last saw each other.

And then, it was like old times.

You're not enjoying this, are you?

Are you kidding?

I am so enjoying this.

I mean, we could always go back, you know.

What, and get out of this wonderful,

woody wilderness?

No, I am loving this,

really.

[HOOTING]

What's that?

That is the cry of a grand horn Canadian owl.

Cool.

[CROAKING]

That is the cry of a frog.

No, that is the sound of a northern Qu

Hmm.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

That is a cell phone.

No, Angelo,

that is the cry of an Italian mother

who's worried sick about her son.

I should've recognized that cry.

Nino? Hi, Mom.

Oh, bello,why did you take so long to--

Everything's fine, Ma.

And Marco, how is he?

Marco's doing good.

Marco, my mom says hi.

Hello, Nino's mother.

Marco says hi back.

Marco, my mom wants to know

if your mom is still having problems

with her digestion.

Oh, no, there is no one in North America

who digests better than my mother.

Nino, I don't want to know.

She's fine, Ma.

She can digest anything.

It's getting it out that's the problem.

Are you sure you're in a bear-free zone?

Have a good night, Ma.

How can I have a good night

when I'm so wor--

Marco?

He's the guy I work with, you know.

It's just...

Don't be embarrassed.

I'm presently at a convention

in Seattle.

Good one.

Just like old times, huh?

Yup, spending Saturday together...

So you're going to ignore me on Monday?

I'm so sorry about that.

Hey, I was just joking.

Hey, listen, I...I really want

to say something about that.

It's...

Dropping you the way I did...

Forget about it.

No, it was shitty of me.

I apologize.

Apology accepted.

That quick?

What can I say? I'm easy.

Oh, boy, did we reunite that night.

So you get there a couple of hours later,

does it really matter?

[YELLING IN ITALIAN]

It matters that much, huh?

Ow, ow, shit.

Ow.

There.

Now, all that's left for you to do

is to tell your mother that you're moving in.

Do I have to?

[GASPING]

Come on, Mama,

I'll come see you every day, I promise.

I'll come--

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

ANGELO: It's a miracle Lina didn't have a stroke.

What is so wrong with living at home

until you get married?

Both your father and me did it,

and we're not dead.

We still here.

Yeah, and after we got married,

we had both our mothers living with us...

And your crazy Aunt Yolanda until she got married.

My sister Yolanda was not crazy.

Let me ask you a question, okay?

How come you prefer

to live with Nino instead of with me and your mama

and your sister? Why?

Let me ask you a question.

Why is Nino a better roommate than us, huh?

Yeah, why?

Because. Because why?

Because Nino's my lover.

If only I could say that out loud.

You didn't?No.

Every time I try to, I freeze.

Why is that?

Because being gay and Italian is a fate worse than...

Actually, there is no fate worse than being gay and Italian,

and to top things off,

my mother keeps on setting me up with these nice Italian girls...

And, like an idiot, I keep going out with them,

and then I feel like a louse for not calling them back.

All this lying, it's sapping my energy,

but Nino and I made a deal--

No one can know about the two of us except us.

Only my poor sister Anna knows. She found out by accident.

That is so like her.

Are you okay?

I will be once the Valium kicks in.

Anna, this is not what you think.

Think? Who's thinking? I'm not.

Anna, I am so sorry.

Sorry? Why sorry? I'm thrilled. You two are a couple. Yay.

I reacted the way I did because I saw my brother naked,

you know, ew.

I've got to go.

Hey, you just got here.

Did I? Gee, time files when you're mortified.

You make a beautiful couple.

Did you hear that? "Mortified."

She'll get over it.

Yeah, but will I?

You have to understand,

Nino has an image he has to uphold.

Macho cop?

No, respected cop.

All right, just relax, sir,

and everything is going to be fine.

Yeah, everything will be all right.

I think this bastard needs a little lesson

in etiquette.

Your mother's a whore.

Hey, cool it, Marco.

No one calls my mother a whore.

Your father calls her that all the time.

Yeah, but he's family.

Nino is by far the best thing that ever happened to me.

Not only is he loving,

but he is supportive of everything I do.

He's the first one who didn't laugh at me

when I told him I wanted to write for TV.

When you said the Mile-high Club,

I thought you meant a sandwich.

Sure you did.

My husband's on the plane. What will he think?

Don't worry about your husband.

He's in the other bathroom with my copilot.

Then who's flying the plane?

Who cares?

[KLAXON SOUNDS]

Wow.

Wow?

Oh, yeah. This is fucking brilliant.

Really? Yeah.

I mean, the characters, the story,

it's all there.

You're not just saying that

because-- No, Angelo,

it's amazing.

I'm so proud of you.

Nino is by far my biggest fan...

My only fan.

What's that for?

To celebrate. Celebrate what?

That everyone in the free world rejected my work?

To celebrate the fact

that you actually finished a script

and had the balls to send it off to these idiots.

Face it, Nino. I'm no good.

Even the receptionist at the production company

advised me to give up writing.

Just wait till they read your next script.

How can I risk losing that?

But I'm sick and tired of pretending.

So what are you saying?

I feel that with every day that goes by,

I lose bits and pieces of myself,

and I'm afraid that if this goes on,

I'll lose myself altogether...

So...

So?

It's all become crystal clear. I know what I have to do now.

No more nice Italian girls for me.

Thank you,

whoever you are,

and...have a good day.

Okay. Good night. Bye. Sorry.

See you.

Did you ever wonder what it would be like

to come out of the closet?

No.

It's nice and comfy in here, Angelo.

But didn't you ever feel like telling anyone?

Your sister Anna knows, and that's more than enough,

thank you.

Don't tell me you want to come out on me.

No way,

although I think my parents might suspect.

Hey, what's to suspect?

We each have our own bedrooms.

We date nice Italian girls

on a regular basis,

and we're macho studs, huh?

Fuck, yeah.

Did you bring me the Valium?

Yeah, here.

What's the big crisis?

Oh, our parents. Angelo, I'm telling you.

Ever since Pa retired,

they're constantly at each other's throats.

Me, I can't take it anymore.

Then move out.

It's easy for you to say.

I can't.

They need me now that you abandoned them.

You are so fucked up.

Tell me something I don't know.

Besides, so are you.

I am not.

Ah, no?

How's Nino, your roommate?

Hey, that's not being fucked up.

That's just being in the closet.

Oh, yeah? Well, being in the closet

is being fucked up.

It'll do you good.

Anna?

What?

How do you think our parents would react

if I were to tell them I'm a...

A what?

A fag?

Hey, shh.

What are you, retarded?

No way you're going to tell them.

No, I live with our parents.

I'm the one who's going to have to deal with their melodramatics

24/7.

Besides, Ma just still hasn't recovered

from poor Aunt Yolanda's death.

She died 20 years ago.

So what? You think this is going to kill them?

Yeah, this is going to kill them.

Tell them.

I want you to go see the doctor immediatamente.

How come I never have any good luck in my life?

You had plenty of luck.

You just never took advantage of it.

Don't start with me, okay, Maria?

My son just told me he's an omosessuale.

I've got to start with somebody, Gino.

Everything will be okay.

From this day on,

nothing will be okay.

You, go to your room.

You turned my room into a den.

Didn't I tell you to leave that room alone?

It's all your fault.

My fault?

When I wanted him to join the hockey team,

what did you say?

He don't like sports.

Hockey.

Hockey would have make him normal.

Oh!

Why I had to live to hear this, I don't know.

You see what you're doing to your mama?

You know the best thing you could do?

Is you leave the house and you go back to the village.

I don't live in the village.

What village?

The homosexual village.

There's an omosessuale village?

On St. Catherine street, between Beaudry and Papineau.

How come you know so much about this omosessuale village?

I know a lot more than you think.

Yes, but a omosessuale village?

What's the matter?

You're going to call me a homosexual now?

He's got to get it from somebody.

Hey... Hey, guys,

look, this is not the end of the world, okay.

Nino and I, we love each other.

I don't want to hear it, okay?

But, Pa...

No, you listen to me.

See, it's what happen when you move out.

You fall in with the wrong crowd,

and they give you a brainwash.

Nobody brainwashed me.

Yes, they did,

because no son of mine is a homosexual.

Now, the best thing you can do,

please, leave the house and leave.

Fuori, fuori, fuori, fuori.

[

Who else you going to tell?

No one.

These things spread.

It's not going to spread.

What, you think

my parents want everyone to know their son is a fag?

Did your mother say

she was going to tell my mother?

No, and she's not going to.

Look, my folks,

they took it relatively well.

Sure.

Yeah.

Just don't eat anything my mother offers you.

They threatened to kill me?

No, but they are Italian.

Stop shitting on Italians.

I don't shit on Italians.

You're the classic self-hating Italian.

I am not.

Italians have greatly contributed to civilization.

We've given the world Michelangelo,

Fellini, the pizza.

Mussolini, the mafia, garlic breath?

Self-hating Italian.

Hey, ciao,

Maria.

Buongiorno, Maria.

Hey,

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

Benessimo. Great.

How is Angelo?

What kind of question is that?

Hey.

When I walk down the street now,

I feel like everyone knows.

Why couldn't I keep my big mouth shut?

I don't know if I could ever forgive him.

Seeing Nino so miserable, it kills me.

Oh, come on.

A whole new gay world is your oyster.

You even have a village.

Do I have a village? No.

What am I going to do with a village?

Anna, you know

I have nothing in common with gays.

When no one knew about it, it didn't seem real,

but now, it's official, I'm gay.

Hey.

Ah, Gino, my heart stops

every time I see you.

How are you, huh?

Bene, bene, bene.

Oh, Maria, what's the matter, huh?

Are you not sleeping?

[LAUGHING]

What can I get for you, huh?

Oh, my husband's been dead

for 18 years.

What I need, you can't offer,

because you're married.

We make a special arrangement.

Maria, what do you say? We help out a friend, eh?

You're better off with your memories.

[LAUGHING] Hey...

So, Maria, what's wrong?

What's the urgent matter you had to see me about today?

What about our sons, huh?

My son is a what?

A homo.

And he turned our Angelo into one.

Don't blame her son.

Who's to say it's not our son?

I'm to say it's not our son.

Are you saying

that my Nino is banging your Angelo?

No, I'm saying it's the other way around.

What does it matter?

Excuse me, sir,

but if anybody

is not getting banged around here,

it's my Nino.

And what make you think it's Nino who doing the banging?

Because Nino is a banger.

And Angelo is not?

No.

Mrs. Paventi, I have to ask you to leave the house.

Gladly.

Wait.

We haven't discussed anything of importance

here.

What's to discuss?

You invite me over here

to tell me a sick lie,

so finita la discussione.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Paventi. How are you?

Oh, fuck off.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Nino, it's Anna, my mom just told your mom.

Head for the hills.

Going somewhere?

How did you get in here?

The...the door was locked, the alarm system was on.

Nino, I'm Sicilian.

Bello.

So you talked to...

Si.

Then you know...

I know, I know everything.

You're not angry?

How can I be angry with you?

You're the only kid I got.

I love you.

I forgive everything.

You do?

It's your life.

If you want to flush it down the toilet,

who am I to stop you?

Mama.

If you don't care about growing old

without a wife,

without children to look after you,

what can I do?

Mama...

I'm so sorry.

Oh, there's nothing to be sorry about,

but if you want,

we can just forget this ever happened.

We can pack your bags

and get the hell out of here.

Nino, I made a big batch

of cannelloni.

How about it, eh?

Come back home,bello.

I am home, Mama.

Angelo and I-- Ah,basta.

I'm going to go now.

You want some cannelloni, you come with me.

You want some disgusting mortal sin activity,

you stay here.

Well...

If it isn't the wife.

How are you Signora Paventi?

Oh, Nino, look at this beautiful face,

huh?

Nice, eh?

Now,

think of his big, fat mother,

because that's the face

you're going to end up with.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Oh, don't worry, Nino, she'll come around.

Hey, you'll never guess

what I did today.

I went to the gay Village.

I just went to see what it was like,

and I hated it, hated it,

but...here, look at what I found.

There's a gay cop association in Montr

Isn't that great?

I don't want to be part of a gay anything.

Are you kidding? I would become a cop

just to be part of this association.

Angelo, I know you mean well,

but please stop trying to help, okay?

Okay.

It's been a rough day.

I'm going to bed.

[

[CHUCKLING]

Hey.

Hey.

My life basically consists

of a series of horror movies strung together, you know?

But since my brother came out,

everything is even more horrific.

And why is that?

Because we're Italian...

Mm-hmm.

And can you believe that...

What?

I'm the--the sane one in the family?

I'm afraid our time is up.

Let's discuss this some more next week.

Hmm?

There's not going to be a next week.

Why not?

Because I never see the same psychiatrist twice.

Never,bella?

No, never.

What? You know too much about me.

It's embarrassing.

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

I did go to Pius X High School, yes.

Dino. Nino.

Mastronomo.

Paventi.

Of course, Nino Paventi. I'm so stupid.

You were homecoming king with my best friend,

Gina Della Rovere.

Gina?

Oh, my God, it's been years. How is Gina?

Married...

Two kids...

Two kids.

What's wrong?

Me, I thought I would be married too, by now.

[SOBBING]

I'm sorry, I...I didn't get your name.

Pina,

Pina Lunetti.

It's nice to meet you, Pina.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Ah, shit.

Lunetti.

What do you mean

Moretti didn't show up?

Listen,

the contract says today,

and I want them today,

so if Moretti

doesn't show up with his fucking doors,

it's his ass in the sling along with yours.

Ha capito? Good.

Shit.

Come. I was about to leave too.

When my father had his heart attack,

he was forced to retire,

so I took over.

You run this company by yourself?

Yep.

You, you're not married?

Me? No, no.

How come?

All the girls at school,

we always said that you'd be the first to marry,

because you're such a hunk.

Thanks.

So, um... what do you do?

I'm a cop.

Oops.

So...

Aren't you going to invite me over?

We could...talk some more.

I'm going to have to pass.

Look...

My numbers are on the card.

Call me sometime, okay?

Okay.

[GROANS]

Anna.

Anna!

Get some camomilla for your father.

Okay.

Again with your stomaco?

I feel like somebody lit a match

and then put it up in here.

I don't know how much more

I can take, Mari.

Calma.

You just need to keep calm.

Calm? How can I keep calm?

My life is one big disappointment

after another.

That's all you know how to do?

Feel sorry about the way

your life turned out?

You think I'm having such a great time here?

Mari...

Angelo, we still love him?

Of course we still love him.

He's still our beautiful Angelo.

If Angelo is still our beautiful Angelo,

will you tell me why is so hard to pick up the phone

and call him up.

Eh?

I don't know, Gi.

Mari...

I don't know, Gi.

I just don't know.

[

Why, Ruta Lee, I do declare--

I have never seen you looking so peaked

in your entire life.

Your engagement to Brent isn't agreeing with you at all,

is it?

Jolene, I don't know what you're babbling about.

Brent and I are crazy in love.

Then why am I carrying his child?

Why, that is the sickest lie

I ever did hear.

Now, I think you owe me an apology.

[GASPS]

I know my mom and your mom go back a long way,

but your script, huh, what can I say?

Worst piece of shit I ever read in my life,

and believe me,

I know shit, because I produce plenty of it,

but the Civil War?

What the fuck do you know about that?

What, you were a fucking slave in a previous life?

Or perhaps you were Abraham fucking Lincoln, huh?

Or maybe you were one of them fucking Southern belles

with the big hoop skirt and the weird accent?

Nah, nah, nah, if I was you,

I would quit while I was ahead

and forget about writing altogether, huh?

So...how's your mom?

Good.

Good.

Lina?

Your husband's looking good.

Thanks.

So...have you spoken to--

No, you?

Me neither.

Listen, Maria,

what the kids are going through,

it's just a phase.

I hear a lot of guys go through that

when they're teenagers.

Lina, they're grown men.

They're late, that's all.

I'm thinking

we should have a dinner party at your place.

You provide the food.

I'll bring along this nice Italian girl I know.

What for?

For Angelo.

Anna, is she seeing anyone?

No.

Good.

She's perfect for Nino.

Well, if he could fall for the brother,

he could fall for the sister, no?

No offense, Lina, but this sounds crazy.

No offense taken.

Is a week from Saturday good for you?

Yes.

Good, a week

from Saturday it is.

Oh, I'm so happy we're friends again.

Uh...

I've been meaning to tell you something.

What?

Your friend,

the guy you live with?

Angelo?

Yeah, him.

You know me,

I don't listen to gossip, but...

my girlfriend's sister

has a cousin who works with him,

and let me tell you, everyone's talking.

About what?

About...

don't get me wrong,

I don't have anything against those people.

Travel agents?

No, you know...

fags.

Angelo isn't a fag.

Even if he was, I don't see how it concerns you.

I'll tell you how it concerns me.

You live with the guy,

and you spend the rest of your time

with me.

If they start talking queer

about you,

me...

I'm changing partners.

Hey.

Hey.

I didn't think you were going to call me.

Why not?

Because of the stupid way I acted last time,

bawling my eyes out like an idiot.

I don't think you acted stupid.

[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

Hey. How did your meeting with Cristofaro go?

Don't ask.

That good, huh?

It's funny, you know.

No matter how much I blame my parents

for all my neurosis,

all my happiest memories are with them--

Family vacations, weddings, Sunday get-togethers...

[SINGING IN ITALIAN]

What chaos.

What beautiful, serene chaos.

I think the problem with us Italians

is that...

when we leave our world to go into the real world,

there's nothing serene about the chaos we encounter.

When people scream at you, they're really screaming at you.

Why are you so sad?

Because...

the other night, there was... a little reunion supper

at my house.

There was plenty of chaos.

For the first time,

there was nothing serene about it.

So, Nino,

you think the Canadiens have a chance this year?

I have no idea, really.

Hmm.

He's not interested in hockey.

No, I'm very interested.

Oh, really?

Yes.

Nino played hockey right through university.

He was always the star player.

So I guess hockey is not the answer,

huh, Gino?

So are we going to have the big discussion

before or after supper?

Discuss?

What's to discuss?

We're going to have a pleasant evening.

Oh, yes, a pleasant evening.

If we don't talk about it, it doesn't exist, right?

Angelo. [DOORBELL RINGING]

I'll get it.

What's the matter with you?

Nothing.

How's it going?

Good.

Yeah? Good.

Gino.

Lina.

Buonasera, everybody. Oh, Anna,

sempre cos bella, always so gorgeous.

Look at you. Look at her, Nino,

so young, so beautiful.

Ah.

Ah...Angelo.

Hmm...well,

what a handsome young man

you turned out to be, huh?

Are you sure he's not adopted?

So...

Mama. Nino,

why you don't call, eh?

How come you never call your povera old mama?

Because I'm scared.

Oh, you joker.

Where's your friend?

She's parking the car.

Good.

Everybody, I hope you don't mind.

I brought a friend along.

All by herself on a Saturday night,

huh? [DOORBELL RINGING]

Come on in, doll.

Buonasera.

Buonasera.

Everyone,

this is-- Nino?

Pina, that's--

You two know each other?

Yeah, Nino and me--

We went to the same high school.

Oh, same high school.

That's not too far from here.

Good old Pius X.

You went to Pius too?

Unfortunately.

Thank you.

What--then I should know you. Don't tell me.

Angelo.

Angelo Barberini.

[

The fag?

[POPPING PILLS]

My past has come back to haunt me.

Who knew it had such big hair?

This is the nice young man

you wanted me to meet? The fag?

Meet?

Pina, honey, I didn't know.

All of Pius knew.

What's going on here?

Yeah, what is going on?

What's going on

is we're going to have a very pleasant evening.

Yeah, I'm going home.

No, you stay here.

The roast is almost ready.

Come on, Nino, let's go.

Hold on a second. Go where?

None of your business.

No, Nino is my business.

Nino, what does he mean by that?

The roast is ready!

Come on.Mangiamo. Let's go.

Nino, tell her what I mean by that.

We'll discuss this some other time.

Why some other time?

What happened in the car, that was all pretend?

Pina...

What happened in the car?

What car? His car.

Our car? Your car?

Your car, his car, who cares what car?

What did you do in the goddamn car?

We made love.

Yes!

[LAUGHING]

Yes, yes, yes!

[POPPING PILLS]

You're a fucking liar.

Oh yeah?

Tell him, Nino.

Nino?

You brought this on yourself.

What?

Yeah, you and your coming out.

Coming out from where?

A phase.

Again with this phase. Your son is gay.

Angelo.

I don't want this anymore, okay?

You're just going to have to deal with that.

What don't you want? Me, us? What?

Oh, God, I think I'm going to be sick.

Let's just go home, okay?

Nino, let's just go.

Nino, come on. Don't touch me.

Let's just go home. It'll be fine.

Back off.

I don't want this.

What is going on here?

My God, what the fuck is going on here?

Leave him be, Angelo.

Leave him be? Ma, this is not some kid

who doesn't want to play with me anymore.

This is my love--

Basta.

I don't want this anymore, Angelo.

Understood?

Were you in on this?

Were you all in on this?

You know you're welcome to move back with us

anytime.

You can come even tonight if you want.

Oh...

What a comfort.

No, I've done my time, so you can forget about it.

Time?

What time?

I spent almost 30 years

in this prison,

this prison of guilt and fear and lies,

and I'm not about to come back.

[GROAN]

Angelo, I think that's enough.

Oh, that's right. Pa is rubbing his stomach.

I wouldn't want to trigger one of his psychosomatic attacks.

You think this...

I wouldn't wish this pain

on my worst enemy.

Are you paying close attention, Nino?

Are you?

Because this is going to be your life in 20 years.

We've heard enough, Angelo.

What's wrong with our lives?

Where would you like me to start?

I mean, the only worthwhile thing you ever did

was leave that spit of a village of yours

in Italy to come here.

But you never really left, did you?

Because when you came here,

you brought that spit of a village with you

and dropped it on your houses like a ton of bricks,

and then, even after coming all this way,

you spent, what is it now?

30, 40 years

reminiscing about your stupid lives

in that spit of a village.

That's it.

Cry, Ma...cry,

because unlike Pa,

I want to inflict my pain on all of you,

because it's stronger than my guilt right now,

so cry...

cry over your ingrate son, over your dead sister,

or your stupid, worthless life.

Angelo, that's enough!

And there we have it...

The slap,

the end to the quintessential Italian melodrama.

It's been a lovely evening, but I really must go.

I hope you all enjoy your lives in your respective cocoons.

If any of you would like to get in touch with me,

I'll be living in the real world.

Oh, but first, there's one thing I must do.

Ow!

God help us...it's real.

I always wanted big hair like hers.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Nino...

Pina's on the phone.

Nino, she's called about a million times.

When are you going to talk to her?

You should see this chick, she's freaking gorgeous.

She's hot, but more than that,

she's a classy broad.

Where are you going to find a classy broad?

She dresses good,

she knows how to handle herself

in public, and she's smart.

She's a freaking brainiac.

You know what she told me the other day?

Dear Father,

I've been coming here every Saturday afternoon

for the last 30 years.

Si, si, si.

At 2:45 p.m. after you finished the vacuuming

and while the tomato sauce is simmering.

Eh.

But today, I came here to ask for a miracle.

You see, Father,

I agreed to put a stupid scheme in motion

and now my entire family is torn apart.

What did you do now, Maria?

I tried to set my son up with some puttana.

Pardon my language.

Go on, my child.

And I don't know if I could ever forgive my son

for all the things he said to me,

but I want him to be cured.

I need this miracle,

so in return I must forgive him.

Is your son gravely ill?

No. He's gravely gay.

Dear Nino...

This is the only way I can think of

that I might be able to reach you.

So I ask you,

please read this through before closing your mind,

before shutting me out forever.

Keeping my love for you a secret from the world

seemed like a betrayal of that love.

I was so drunk and delirious

on the hope that you brought me,

I lost sight of its source, and I betrayed you instead.

Now I know that I don't need anyone else

to know about us.

We are enough,

and even if a closet must protect our love,

it will never contain it.

Ah, Nino.

Bello.

Guess who called today?

I would do anything to make things right again.

There is no one if there isn't you, Nino.

When you left,

everything stopped making sense.

I love you, Nino,

and can't bear to be without you.

Your Angelo.

Hey, it's me.

Um, I know I should have called you before, but...

can we meet?

["RETURN TO ME" BY DEAN MARTIN PLAYING]

[SHOUTING IN ITALIAN]

So, how's your writing going?

Never better.

I gave up.

Oh.

How are you, Angelo?

Good.

No, Angelo,

how are you really feeling,

you know?

What's the matter with you?

Nothing. What?

A sister can't try

to help out her brother?

Since when do we help each other out?

Okay, we're going out.

Going out?

Yeah, it makes perfect sense.

Angelo, you need to meet some new people

to replace the ones that you lost.

Come on, let's go dancing.

Anna, you know I hate bars.

That's because you've never been to one with me.

Forget about it.

Okay, we won't go to a bar.

We're going to go to, uh...

We're going to go to...

Aw...

There's got to be one gay place in this city

filled with boring people just like you.

Hi. My name is Steve,

and I want to volunteer at Gay Help Line

because I'm from a small town,

and, uh, there was no one for me to call

when I was a teenager...

and I really want to thank Gay Help Line

for giving me the opportunity to be that someone

that teenagers can call.

Thank you.

[APPLAUSE]

That's great.

Yeah, I'm Alicia,

and, um, I want to join Gay Help Line,

because if I could prevent just one gay teen

from putting a bullet through his head

and make him stand up and shout "I'm gay. Gay!

"And if you don't like it, you can all go fuck yourselves,

you twisted motherfuckers!"

Then I'll be happy.

[APPLAUSE]

Uh...Hi.

Um, my name is Angelo, and, uh, I'm Italian...

and why do I want to volunteer here?

Uh, good question.

Let's see.

Um...I've been going through a very hard time,

and I've been in the closet all my life,

so...

I want to meet other gay people,

but not the ones who hang out in the bars or in the Village.

I called here once,

and the guy on the other end

sounded really cool,

so I thought this might be a good place

to make gay friends.

So long as they're not effeminate.

Keep those away from me...

and I want to help stop gay teen suicide.

You know, something tells me

I didn't make a very good first impression.

Forget about it. Just try to relax.

Now, do you prefer headsets

or a regular phone?

Well, I'm quite good with these.

Okay.

[SIGHS]

Are you okay?

Yeah. Yeah.

Because it's normal to feel nervous the first time.

Nervous? No, no.

This isn't nervous, this us, uh...

petrified.

You'll do fine.

Just remember that the callers need to feel

that what they're saying is not falling on deaf ears, okay?

Okay.

We're not here to give advice. We're not here to judge.

No judging? Then what's the point?

[CHUCKLES]

Um...

So, uh, so do you do this often?

Yeah. Every Saturday afternoon like clockwork.

And you enjoy listening to other people's problems?

Well, it, um, it gets me out of my head,

and it's a great way to relax.

Actually, I started doing it because, like you,

I don't like bars,

and I wanted to meet interesting people.

Have you met any?

Um...not until today.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

You ready? No.

Yes, you are. Go!

Hello, Gay Help Line, how may I help you?

My parents are going to kill me if I tell them I'm a fag,

but I can't go on this way.

You don't have to tell them.

But this is killing me.

Then tell them. Then they'll kill me.

Well, then you've got nothing to lose,

because either way, you'll end up dead, right?

[DIAL TONE]

Hello?

Hello?

I guess humor's out of the question, huh?

Just listen and try and feel their pain.

Feel their pain?

Yes. If someone calls and says

"Things are really bad right now,"

you answer, full of compassion,

"Things are really bad right now, huh?"

Okay?

Got it.

Gay Help Line. How may I help you?

I never should've taken those illegal hormones.

You never should have taken those illegal hormones, huh?

I'm really depressed--

You're really depressed, huh?

Well, yes. I don't want the sex change anymore,

and now I'm stuck with small breasts, a low voice,

and I can't get an erection.

Uh...you're stuck with small breasts and a low voice,

and you can't... get an erection, huh?

[CLEARS THROAT]

I ruined my life.

No kidding!

[LAUGHING]

I mean, uh...uh...

Whoo...

You ruined your life, huh?

What's so funny?

Nothing...

Nothing. Um, you're going to be fine.

Don't worry about the breasts.

Don't worry about the small, uh, um...erection.

Things are fine, right?

You've just got to play around a little bit with it all, okay?

Um...

I can't do this.

I've sent her three love letters.

She hasn't responded,

but I can tell just by looking at her

that she's madly in love with me too.

You've written her three love letters, and she...

Look, um, lady, I'm really sorry,

but I can't help you.

Okay, I thought I could,

but I can't.

Uh, so I suggest you hang up and call back

when someone much more competent than me can help you, okay?

Is this the Gay Help Center?

Do I have the wrong phone number?

No, this is Gay Help Line.

Well then, why aren't you Gay Helping me?

Because I told you, I'm no good.

You're good. You're great. I feel better already.

No, you don't.

Yes, I do. You've got a very calming kind of voice.

I don't have a calming anything,

so I suggest you hang up and call back later, okay?

No, I'm going to stay on this line

for a lot longer than you think.

No. I want you to hang up.

No, I'm not gonna hang up.

Yes, please hang up. No!

Please hang up. You first.

Fine!

[DIAL TONE]

Hello?

Hello?

Gay Help Line?

I guess I'm not helpline material.

Well, active listening's not for everyone.

Well, I've got years of non-experience.

Talking and not listening is an Italian tradition.

[LAUGHS]

Let me ask you something.

Do you really think

you're helping those callers

by going so easy on them?

What do you mean?

Well, take me for example.

Now, I came out of the closet knowing

that my boyfriend didn't want to.

Now, do I need to hear, "Oh, your boyfriend left you?"

No. I need someone to tell me,

"Next time, think twice before you fuck up."

Angelo, if you can't have compassion for yourself,

how you going to have it for others?

Right.

I've got to go.

Hey, listen.

Do you want to go for a beer or something?

What for?

So I can lecture you some more

on the benefits of unconditional compassion.

What, you want to convert me?

Maybe. I'm a hopeless case.

I know you are, but I--I love a good challenge.

You do, huh? Mm-hm.

Oh...that's the best offer I've had in a long time,

but, uh, after all that active non-listening,

I'm really drained, so I'm going to have to pass.

Okay,

but if you change your mind

you know where to find me.

Yes, I do.

Okay.

Gino...

[SNORING]

Gino...

Gino!

I wasn't asleep.

Do you have to fall asleep every time we visit my sister?

What does she care? She's dead already.

Don't be rude.

Angelo and Yolanda.

One of a kind.

How do you mean?

She wanted to be different too,

but we were so afraid for her.

Scared that if she went after her dream

of becoming an actress,

she would end up in a bad way,

and look where she ended up at 33.

Bunch of idiots, we were.

Kept on feeding her pills

to calm her down,

instead of letting her fly.

Then one day she flew

straight into the river.

What a way

of giving us all the finger.

Mari...

Mari, that was an accident.

No, it was no accident, Gi.

No accident, and now I realize

all the mistakes I made with my baby sister,

I repeated them with my son.

No, no, no.

It was all my fault, Gi.

No, no, no, no.

The only thing is your fault--

you make me a happy man.

Take care, Yolanda.

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

Let's go home, huh?

Come on.

[MUTTERING]

Yes, sir, I apologize, but...

I know your client is in the UK, but you didn't say Glasgow,

you insisted on New Glasgow.

That's north of Montr

That's why I chartered a bus.

I saw New Glasgow, you're the one--

No. I don't mean to be confrontational,

but there is no New Glasgow in Scotland.

Yeah, there is.

No, they don't need a new one. They have the old one.

Well, it's actually quite simple.

You see, many years ago, people from Glasgow--

Glasconians--

left the old Glasgow, and they came here,

and they built a new Glasgow,

and they called it New Glasgow, because it was new.

Now, according to theoretical physics,

eventually we'll be able to fold space,

so that technically,

the New Glasgow will overlap the old Glasgow,

enabling us to travel between the two

without ever having to move in either time or space,

but until then, let me assure you

that they are quite different places.

Did I mention that New Glasgow just got waterslides?

Those are fun.

I'm suing everybody.

I'm taking you to court.

Hey, you understand?

Are you there? Hey! Hey.

[

[NEEDLE SCRAPES OFF RECORD]

What are you all dressed up for?

You're not going anywhere.

Listen, Johnny, I really want to work in TV.

Any job would do.

Fuck, I can't hire you

to clean the fucking toilets around here.

I had to lay off about a million people yesterday.

Things are bad, Angelo.

Between you and me?

My last series didn't fly.

I could be on the street soon.

Imagine, a fucking bag man.

[CLEARS THROAT]

What about you? You gave up writing?

Yeah.

That's too bad, but listen,

if you ever come up with an idea for a series,

I want you to give me a call, all right?

So long as it's not about the fucking Civil War.

Why don't you write

about stuff you know about anyway?

You're young. Write about young people.

You know, good-looking, bikinis, tans,

abs, boobs, everything.

That's what the networks want--

young.

How's your mother?

Good.

Good.

Disgraziata.

That woman's a disgraziata.

What now?

Listen to this, Gino.

"La Signora Lina Paventi

"is honored to invite you

to the wedding of her son, Nino--"

do I need to go on?

Nino getting married?

To Pina. La puttana.

Ah.

And look at this.

She even includes a hand-written note.

"Dear Maria and Gino,

"I'm sorry for what happened.

"Please see this invite as a peace offering.

"I pray San Giuseppe you can make it.

Love, Lina."

What's wrong with that?

You've got to read between the lines.

What this really says is

"Dear Maria and Gino,

"I'm sorry your son is still an omosessuale.

"Please see this invite as proof

"that mine is not.

"I pray San Giuseppe you can make it,

"so you can watch me gloat.

Love, Lina!"

Disgraziata!

Let me tear up the invitation.

No. No. No!

I'm going to send it back.

RSVP.

Vaffanculo. Love, Maria and Gino.

and we're not sending them a gift.

No gift.

Ma sei matto? We've got to get them a gift.

You want Lina to think we're cheap?

Nobody think I'm cheap.

We make a check for $200,

and then we don't show up.

Ma sei scemo? We can't not show up.

She's going to tell everyone that we're jealous!

Jealous? Jealous of what?

We go, but I don't buy a new suit.

You want to look like a bum?

We go shopping tomorrow.

The best suit,

the most beautiful dress,

and the biggest gift.

That'll show her.

Yeah, we'll go,

but we'll have a lousy time.

We'll look our watch all night,

and we yawn.

We can't have a lousy time.

Then she's going to think we're bitter.

We dance until dawn. That'll spite her.

We can't dance until dawn.

Then she's going to think

we're putting up a good front.

We...We...

Maria, this make me tired.

Are you sure about this, Pina?

Sure. With cannelloni, you can never go wrong.

[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]

you and Nino...

marrying a bisexual...

I am not marrying a bisexual.

Jesus fucking Christ,

why didn't I keep my mouth shut?

I'm marrying Nino.

He was in love with Angelo, but now he's in love with me.

Okay?

Okay.

And you know what that means?

That means that I am sexy enough to convert him.

Uh...

Me? I can convert anybody.

Give me an hour in the gay village,

and there's not going to be a gay village no more.

Ha capito?

So can we change the subject?

Sure,

but if he ever asks you to strap on a dildo...

Stop it.

...call me. I have quite the collection.

Stop it.

I have an announcement to make.

What now?

I'm quitting my job to become a writer.

A writer?

Wow. Cool.

Who's going to read what you write?

That should be a hobby.

Where's the security in that?

Where's the pension plan?

ANNA: Just don't listen to them.

Ignore them, Angelo.

Look, this is what I want to do with my life,

and you know what? I'm going to be a big success.

Did we ever do what we wanted to in our lives?

Never.

Does anybody ever hate his job like I hate my job?

No one!

And yet you see me go to work

every day and look at me now!

And what do you got?

Security.

And a pension plan.

Gino. Maria,

what are you two doing here, huh?

We live here.

Come stai, Lina?

Bene.

I got your RSVP.

Oh, Maria, I can't tell you

how happy I am

you're going to come to the wedding.

Oh, Maria.

Wait till you see Pina's wedding dress.

The first time she put it on,

I cried like a baby.

Oh, she looks just like the Madonna.

I'm sure the Madonna's real happy about that.

Let me just take a minute to tell you how sorry I am,

about what happened at your house that night.

Nothing to be sorry about.

Ah, the way Angelo spoke to you, it was disgusting.

He was upset.

Yeah, he was upset.

Well, now he's alone like a dog, and that's what he deserves.

Who says he's alone like a dog?

Yeah. Who says?

Why? Are you talking to him?

I just assumed--

Always a mistake to assume.

Big mistake to assume.

Ah, he's moved back in with you?

Why would he want to do that?

He's an adult.

Adults should live on their own.

Well, whatever you say.

I just hope he finds himself a nice Italian girl.

He won't find himself a nice Italian girl.

He's gay.

Nobody is gayer than my son.

Yes...

and he's got a new boyfriend.

A gorgeous man!

Loves Angelo to death!

I should love my wife, the way he love Angelo!

[CHUCKLING]

I never gave you back my set of keys.

I--I know I should have called, but, you know, it was a--

a spur of the moment thing.

Okay, I'm going to...

You don't have to leave right away.

How you been, Angelo?

How do you think?

Hey, listen, you know, what happened...

it's for the best.

It was?

Listen, this-- this marriage thing,

it's really cool.

Nino... what are you talking about?

I'm just saying, you know,

you might want to give it a try. It's...

I know you're seeing a new guy--

A new guy?

Yeah.

Your mom told my mom the other day.

She said that your parents acted

as though being gay was normal.

My mother said that I was seeing a man?

Yeah.

Nino...

is this why you came here?

To check up on me?

I just want to make sure you're okay.

I'm okay.

I never meant to hurt you.

Did you ever love me?

Come on, Angelo. That's not fair.

Did you?

We had a thing together, and it was--it was fun,

but it's over.

Everything's going to be okay.

Tell me you're going to be okay.

Are you going to be okay?

[SIGHING]

It's all my parents fault.

What am I saying?

It's not my parents fault. It's mine.

I did this to myself.

I single-handedly fucked up every aspect of my life.

I guess it's a talent.

You're not thinking very highly

of yourself, are you?

No.

They told Nino's mother I had a new boyfriend.

How does that make you feel?

I don't know.

I'd like to call them, but I wouldn't know what to say.

That's understandable.

What are you feeling right now?

[LAUGHING]

I'm sorry, I can't.

This is stupid.

Fine. I should chop my head off before I try to help you again.

Oh no, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

If you took me seriously...

I could really help you, you know.

All right, all right.

Look, let's continue.

Yeah, but you've got to trust that I know what I'm doing.

I trust, I trust.

Okay.

Okay.

Now I'm ready.

If you had Ma and Pa in front of you,

what would you tell them?

I don't know.

Think about it. I am thinking about it.

Think about it more. I am thinking about it more.

You're not thinking about it hard enough.

Who are you to tell me

that I'm not thinking about it hard enough?

Fine. Forget about it.

You think you can figure this one out by yourself?

Well, you go ahead. You figure.

I would-- I would tell them

that the last thing I wanted to do was to hurt them.

Go on.

I told them I was gay, because I wanted them to know...

I told them I was gay,

because I didn't want them to die

without knowing who I really am.

They deserve to know who their son is.

Not an illusion or a delusion of who I am,

but who I am for real.

I did it all wrong but, um, oh...

Damn, I'm good.

Ah!

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

[ARGUING IN ITALIAN]

Perdonami Padre, for I have sinned.

Perdonami Padre, for I have sinned.

Is anyone in there?

Yes?

Twice I have taken the name of the Lord in vain.

Ma, it's me.

Angelo?

Are you crazy. What are you doing in there?

We have to talk, Ma. At confession?

Forgive me, Mother, for I have sinned.

Aw, shut up.

I have called you and your life worthless

and for that, I am truly sorry.

Oh, yeah? Why now?

What do you mean, why now?

I mean why did you wait all this time to be sorry?

Do you have any idea

of the pain you've put me through?

Cut him some slack.

Who's that?

The holy spirit, Ma.

Anna, where are you?

Here Ma, in the next booth.

What did you do to Father Carmignani?

We bribed him.

Yeah, with a bottle of wine

and a carton of cigarettes.

Hey, Mari, what are you taking you so long?

Will you get out of here? I'm trying to confess myself.

Padre, she no let me touch her anymore.

Isn't that a mortal sin?

Will you stop?

Angelo's in there.

Ou--Our Angelo?

How are you, Pa?

Angelo...you become a priest?

Worse.

He bribed Father Carmignani.

A bottle of wine and a carton of cigarettes.

Can you believe that?

No, he usually settle for a bottle of wine.

You got screwed, Angelo.

What, you guys bribed him already?

Who is that? Your daughter.

Anna, have you seen my "Forza Italia" hat?

Your mother lost it on me again.

Would you please...

Our son is trying to apologize to us.

You know, guys, I realize

that what I said to you was awful,

but what you did,

trying to set me up with Pina and stuff,

that was pretty low.

I told her it was a stupid idea.

Aw, shut up.

I know we're not the perfect parents,

but we did do some things right.

Some things.

And we are not worthless.

Hai capito?

Hey, I apologized for that already.

Well, let me tell you, you haven't finished.

What about the apology you owe me?

Come to supper tonight,

if you're willing to step back in that prison.

I'm sorry about that too.

All right, how are we going to get out of here?

If anyone sees us coming out together, they'll talk.

Probably already talking about your fag son, right, Ma?

Please, Angelo, they been talking

since my sister died.

All right, I say we all go out at one time.

With our heads high up in the sky.

With all of Little Italy as our witness. Eh?

All right, one, two and a three...

[TOGETHER]: Eh.

Do we need to pass by the grocery store

to get something?

Yeah, we're out of cheese.

Oh, I'll get some cigarettes.

Angelo...

Angelo. Angelo. Angelo...

What is it, Papa?

Hey, boss,

thanks a lot for giving me back my famiglia, hey.

Come on.

Disgraziata.

Gino, what if she can read lips?

Then there is a God.

[WEDDING MARCH PLAYING]

[SOBBING]

Today is a very special day.

I have known the groom Nino all his life.

I baptized him,

I gave him his first communion,

and when he hit puberty

and was having certain "problems"

due to his, um, how do you say, sudden "growth..."

I'm the one who suggested

he get circumcised.

If anyone here sees any just cause

why these two should not be married

speak now,

or forever hold your peace.

Where do I start?

Nino Paventi...

[DOOR BANGING OPEN]

Scu--Scusate.

Scusate.

I know this is difficult, but I'm here for you.

I was wondering if your offer to convert me was still valid?

Um...absolutely.

Good.

Hello?

Gay Line?

Hello?

My life has become even more of a nightmare.

My brother wrote this TV show, based on our family...

and I'm portrayed as this pathetic,

pill-popping woman-child

stuck in the vicious circle of self-pity.

If we're going to have one more argument

about why Angelo left home again,

me, I'm leaving the table.

No one is leaving the table

until supper is done!

Who are you to tell her

when she can leave this table, huh?

Yeah. Who are you?

Hey, he's your father, that's who.

Where she learn to talk back,

this one, I don't know.

She learned from you!

She learned from me?

Yeah, from you!

This is really, really good, Mama.

And what inspired you

to write this television show

about the Italian community?

Gee, I don't know, the Greek community?

[LAUGHS]

He can't [BEEP] help himself.

I'm telling ya,

this mother [BEEP] is a [BEEP] genius.

It's safe to say

that my family inspired me.

When I was little, I had this aunt, Yolanda.

She was the coolest of my relatives.

She always wanted to be different.

She was always trying to teach everyone

how to do the Mambo,

but they were stuck doing the Tarantella.

I wish she were here.

This is a tribute to her and to my family.

This little mother [BEEP] gets me every time.

A tribute to his family.

Please, like we need a tribute.

My brother is so delusional.

Being gay and Italian,

I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

I mean, the hatred, you know, the prejudice.

I think living in denial is an Italian tradition.

Oh, my God!

She's going to make a lousy mother.

God, why am I such a bitch?

They're happy, so what?

Why should that affect me in any way?

Just because I don't have a wonderful husband like Nino?

Nino, the heroic cop...

Nino, the perfect son and husband...

Nino, the perfect camping buddy...

I'm afraid our time is up.

See you next week?

Oh no. Don't take it personal.

I never see the same psychiatrist twice.

I know.

We saw each other already.

We did.

I can't believe I didn't recognize you.

So next Tuesday night.

Is that okay with you?

Okay, next Tuesday night,

but it'll be the last time you see my face, eh?

[SPEAKING IN ITALIAN]

What is this world coming to?

At least Angelo could have had the decency

of finding himself a nice Italian boy.

Eh.

I always told him, you know?

You ever stop writing,

I'm going to come over to your house

and I'm going to kick your [BEEP] ass.

Don't give up. He's a genius.

He said that.

I stopped once, and he did.

Yeah, I kicked your ass a little bit,

but it wasn't too bad, huh?

Just a little whooping.

I threatened to throw him

out the [BEEP] window once,

but that was a joke.

That was just a little tease.

I'm used to it.

[

[SINGING IN ITALIAN]

[SINGING IN ITALIAN]

[SINGING IN ITALIAN]

[

[SINGING IN ITALIAN]

[