All language subtitles for Fancy pants

WOMAN: Hey, Fancy Pants!

No popcorn during
my performance...

Peasants.

NARRATOR:
January 6, 1912.

William Howard Taft,
President of
these United States,

signs an enabling act

admitting the territory
of New Mexico into
the union as the 47th state.

From a far day in 1850,

the stubborn frontiersmen
of this great territory

have asserted their rights
to statehood.

This, then, is not the story
of how New Mexico won

its long and heartbreaking
struggle for admission.

Rather, it is an account
of one of the reasons
the struggle took 62 years.

This, then, is the saga
of a lost cause...

And one man
who helped to lose it.

His story begins
one summer's day in 1905

on a cricket field
just outside London.

GAME ANNOUNCER:
The score is 76
for the gentlemen,

105 for the players.

Lynnhaven makes ready
to deliver again
to Mr. Fairwick.

Ah, a splendid blow!

(LOUD WHISTLING)

Oh, I say there!

(WHISTLES)

Aggie, cut out that whistling!

But, Ma, he hit a homer!

Whistling ain't refined.

Now, you quit it,
or I'll bang you
over the head

with these
long-stemmed glasses.

I say, this is
a bit thick, what?

Well, for my part,
I find the young lady
rather intriguing.

Oh, you
can't be serious,
Van Basingwell,

never seen anything
quite so crude...

Dress, gaudy jewelry.
Disgusting display
of wealth.

Oh, indeed, yes.

And I made a point
of introducing myself.

You don't say.

Yes. Name is Floud.

Mother is an American
nouveau riche,

determined to inflict
culture upon her
daughter, Agatha.

Quite a pippin, huh, Twombley?

Scarcely your cup
of tea, George.

Beyond a cup of tea, Twombley.

More substantial
thinking needed
these impoverished days.

Beef and potatoes.

MAN: Oh, I say!

My word!

Indeed!

Look, Ma, we got
ourselves a souvenir!

You give 'em back
that ball this minute.

Aw...

Hand it over.

I say! Is it broken?
I don't think so.

Can you continue?
Of course.

Stout fellow.

Let's play.

Now keep out
of the game, will ya?

Ah, the Flouds!

Oh, Your Lordship.
I'm glad to see ya.

Hiya, Earl.

Hello. Uh, Mrs. Floud,
Miss Floud,

allow me to
introduce my friend
Lord Twombley.

How's that?

BOTH: Twombley.

Howdy, Lordship.
Charmed.

Aggie.

Glad to meet you.

Charmed again.

Well, Earl, what do you know?

What do I know?
Oh, ha ha.

Well, not very much.
I just stopped by

to ask you if you
couldn't drop in on me

at my country
place for the weekend.

Be glad to.
Good. Good.

I'd like you to meet
my little family.

Delighted!
Wouldn't we, Aggie?

Oh, yeah, we're charmed.

Yes. Well, then I'll send
my carriage for you.

Be ready and waiting,
Your Lordship.

(LAUGHING)

Good afternoon.

So long.

Toodle-oo.

Now we're getting somewhere.

Yeah. I want to get somewhere

and loosen these corsets.

But, George,
you haven't got
a country place,

nor a family.

No, but Reggie has.
Reggie?

Yes, Reggie, and he's in Africa.

Oh.
Oh.

And I know just where
to dig up a suitable family.

What?

Tennis, anyone?

How can you
think of tennis
at a time like this?

George, what are we doing
at this beastly play?

Told you I needed
suitable family
to impress the Americans.

Behold the mater!

Oh.

Ring for Humphrey, Cyril.

My nerves scream for tea.

Of course.

Did you ring, ma'am?

Why didn't you wait
till I rang, you idiot?

Tea, ma'am?

(SCREAMS)

I slipped.

I am soaked again, you monster!

This piece will dry
out like new, ma'am.
It's pumpernickel.

Just needs pumping out.

Blundering American idiot.

Ought to go back
to his native land.

If only we could solve
the disappearance
of Alicia's necklace.

Yes. Well, I'm still
not satisfied

with Humphrey's
explanation of
his whereabouts

during the time of the crime.

Oh, but I've already
explained, sir.

At the time of the crime,
I was in the village

performing an errand
for His Lordship, and...

And if His Lordship were here

instead of 200 miles away
on a hunting trip,

he would verify my statement.

Indeed!

Your Lordship!

You heard his story,
Sir Wimbley.
What about it?

(MUMBLING RAPIDLY)

...scoundrel!

He's lying, I tell you. Lying!

It's no use, Humphrey.

But I swear to you.

I was in Barclay's limited

buying His Lordship
a pair of suspenders.

I can prove it by the man

who took me up in the elevator.

Humphrey, I accuse
you of the theft

of my lady's necklace.

Oh, but there
must be some mistake.

Humphrey is an old and
trusted family retainer,

been in the family
for generations.

This man is not Humphrey...

(GASPS)
But an imposter!

When he said
suspenders for braces
and elevator for lift,

I suspected he was an American!

Bravo, Cyril!

Accusations!
Just accusations!

I defy you to produce
one ounce of proof.

Ha! He asked
for proof, Sir Wimbley.

(MUMBLING)...guilty!

And you expect a jury
to believe that?

Then perhaps they'll
believe this!

A check on
your fingerprints
has just come back.

From the laboratory?

Absolutely.

And they match
those of that
well-known murderer

Oliver Grimes!

All right!
I am Oliver Grimes,

the well-known
American murderer!

(WOMEN GASP)
But you'll never

take me alive!

Foiled, Mr. Grimes!

For I am Inspector Kirk,
Scotland Yard!

Curses!

Unfortunately, I've been
something of a recluse.

Now I face the
embarrassing problem

of impressing the young lady.

It... It's most difficult
to explain.

What His Lordship means is
he's met an American girl,

and he wants to
try and impress her.

He's got a country place,
only the toffs won't come.

Now, all you have to do is to be

upper-class ladies and gents
over the weekend...

With a handsome fee, eh?

Oh, yes, of course, yes, yes,

and a good time for all.

It'll be a pleasure
to help out
His Lordship.

I think I can speak
for all of us.

Sounds like jolly
good fun. Let's go.

Except Humphrey, of course.

Yeah, we don't want him...

Why except Humphrey, of course?

Your Lordship,
fellow thespians...

No curtain speeches, please.

Your Lordship, there
are some members
of the cast

who are jealous
of my sterling portrayals.

I've played valets
and gentlemen's gentlemen

from Chicago to Liverpool,

and a slight to me
is a blow to all the
great names of the theater.

(MUMBLING RAPIDLY)

What did he say?

He said, "Plenty
to eat and drink,

"a good fee, and she's
spoiling it all."

Oh, yes, yes, precisely.

Your Ladyship,
I beseech that thou

wouldst grant me
this opportunity.

In return, I promise thee
the greatest performance

of my career, if thou wouldst,

or myself a watery grave
in the Thames

if thou wouldn'tst.
Wouldst?

Yes, come on.
MAN: Don't be upstage.

WOMAN: Give him a chance.

(MUMBLING)

Oh, very well.

But keep him away from me.

Yes.
At your service, milord.

Good. Fine. Well, then,
I'll send carriages for you.

And I'm sure you'll
all enjoy yourselves.

Thanks very much.

(ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
Food, free!

Mmm!

Mmm!

What polish, what finesse.

* Gadzooks, I'm a butler

* Who's really a butler

* Aloof from my hoof
to my blinkers

* I look just as bored
as me master, the Lord

* As I'm servin'
the blinkin' tea drinkers

* You've 'eard of 'umphrey

* I'm that bloke

* Favorite of the gentlefolk

* 'Ere's 'ow

(WHISTLES)

* Yes, milord

* I'm your gentleman and valet

* Blimey,
hain't I bloomin' bally

* 'Ere, now

(WHISTLES)

* Yes, milord

* May I crump your crumpets
in your tea

* 'Ave a banana

(BELL RINGS)

(CLANGS)

(BELLS PLAY
WESTMINSTER CHIME)

Howdy.

Oh, good afternoon, ma'am.

Aggie.

Good afternoon.

Your wrap, ma'am?

Yeah, bought it in Chicago.

I'm the butler.
May I?

Oh.

Thank you.
Your cane?

I think I'll keep it.
It might rain.

His Lordship waits
in the garden.
Follow me, ma'am.

What class.

Wish we had something
like that at home.

Oh, Ma, somebody would shoot him

before we got him in the house.

Direct from America,
presenting Mrs. Floud
and Miss Floud.

Ah, so good to see you.

Hi, Earl.

And more than good to see you.

Come now, meet the family.

This is my mother
Lady Brinstead.

Flattered to meet you,
Lady Brinstead.

Charmed.

Do it, Aggie.

Charmed.

And my cousin, Rosalind,
Duchess of Dover.

Charmed.

How do you do?

Aggie.

Howdy, Dutchship.

How do you do?

His Lordship,
the 13th Earl
of Brinstead, my father.

(MUMBLING)

(SMACKING)

You'd think
there was gravy on it.

Yes, yes.
Father, Father.

(MUMBLING)

Forgive Father's enthusiasm.

Told him all about you,

and that's his way
of showing his approval.

Hear that, Aggie?
What?

Earl told his father
all about you.

Somebody ought to
tell his mother
all about his father.

Shh!

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

I hope they find it
relaxing here
at Brinstead Manor.

Eh, Mother?
Yes, indeed, I do.

(CHUCKLING) Yes.

Milord.
Hmm?

Please.

Cigarette?

Holder.

Light.

(BLOWS LOUDLY)

That's more service
than our hired man

gives us in a month
back in Big Squaw.

(CHUCKLES) Well, Humphrey
anticipates my every wish.

How often do you
have to wind him up?

Aggie.
What?

Wind him up?
Oh, wind him up!

(CHUCKLES)
Very funny!

Jolly good.

Ha!

That'll be all.
Thank you, Humphrey.

Thank you.

Well, Mother?

I must compliment George
on his taste.

You know, most
young American tourists
are so, so uncouth.

Ain't it the truth?

Ain't it, Aggie?
Huh?

Oh, yeah.

Let's get out of here.

Shh.

Tennis, anyone?

How can you
think of tennis
at a time like this?

Oh, sorry.

Thought it was my cue.

Uh...
Cyril, you forget
we have guests.

Mrs. Floud, Miss Floud.

My nephew, Lord Cyril.

How do you do?

Aggie.
What?

How do you do?

You'll have to forgive Cyril.

Tennis has become
an obsession with him.

Yes. How about tea,
Mother?

Oh, of course, dear.
I'll ring.

Did you ring, ma'am?

I was about to, Humphrey.

Why didn't you wait
till I rang? Imbecile.

Ham.

You know, Earl.
This is the first
time I ever saw

a real English butler.

Ah.

I saw one in a play.

It was in Cheyenne.
We threw tomatoes
at him.

And now we brew some tea.
Which shall it be?

What's the difference?

(MUMBLING)

Concoction during
inclement weather...

(MUMBLING)

...screams with stimulation.

What did he say?

Oh, uh, he said...

(MIMICS MUMBLING)

Milady.

(LAUGHS) That's
telling her, Humphrey!

Thank you.

Knife?
Do you have a...

Oh, may I?

This part's the strainer.

Freshly sliced lemon?

Two points.

One lump or two?

I'd love two,
but I've been eating

so high up on the hog lately,

I guess I better just take one.

In that case, may I suggest...

May I slosh it
around a bit, ma'am?

Please do.

(HUMMING)

And so, teatime.

Would you, uh...

Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.

Spot of tea, milady?

(SCREAMS)

Soaked to the skin again!

There's your big splash, Ma.

I knowed you'd
do a thing like that.

You got any sense at all?

Well, he told me to relax.

You stupid, blundering oaf!

I told you his performance...

Mater, Mater, please!

It's piping hot, ma'am.

How did you ever get
to be such an idiot?

Just early to bed,
early to rise.

That's the answer.

(MUMBLING RAPIDLY)

Oh, shut up!

Oh, no!

And you don't stand there.
Get out and do something.

Yes, ma'am. I'll fetch
some fresh tea.

Oh, dear,
look at me.
Look at me.

Oh, dear.
Come along.

I'll help you to
change right away.

(MUMBLING)

Psst! Humphrey!

I've been looking for you.

I want to chew the fat.

So soon after tea, ma'am?

Shh!

What do they pay you
around here, Humphrey?

Sufficient, ma'am.

How about sufficient
and then some?

Are you trying to lure me

from the service of
His Lordship, ma'am?

Exactly!

Impossible.

I couldn't desert His Lordship.

It wouldn't be cricket, ma'am.

My family have
always buttled
for the Brinsteads.

My father, my father's father,

my father's father's father.

I could go farther.

All the more reason why
you should work for me.

You're in a rut.
Please, ma'am.

Pursue the matter no further.

Even now,
the ancestors are
beginning to scowl at me.

Who's that?

Great-grandfather
Lord Ceedrick.

Made quite a name
for himself in the army.

What's he reaching
in his shirt for?

Holding up
his trousers
from the inside.

Funny way to pose.

Much funnier if he
removed his hand, ma'am.

(CHUCKLES)

Listen, Humphrey,
hanging around
these pictures

ain't getting you nothing.

Here's my card.

Drop in my hotel,
and we'll work out a deal.

Double your salary.

Don't tempt me, ma'am.

I can resist anything
but temptation.

I got a whim of iron, Humphrey.

When I want any...

Wow!

Wow indeed, ma'am.

Great-great-grandmother.
Splendid horsewoman.

Did she always
ride around like that?

Heavens to Betsy, no, ma'am.

Lots of times
she rode sidesaddle.

Back home in Big Squaw,
she'd be arrested.

She was.

That's how she met
great-great-grandfather.

He was the magistrate.

Well, I'll have
to carry on, ma'am.

Now this hand rests
just lightly on the cue.

Oh, lightly.
Oh, yes, lightly.

Uh-uh.

Of course, this...
This is a game
taught all over England.

A most popular sport.

Playing it or teaching it?

You know, Agatha...
What?

You're the most exciting
person I've ever met.

If I only knew the right words,

if I only knew what to do...

May I be of service, milord?

Shortcut.

Sherry, milady?

Don't mind if I do.

Sherry, milord?
No, nothing for me.
Thank you, Humphrey.

Scotch and soda, milord?

No, nothing at all.

Scotch and water, milord?

No. Nothing.
Thank you.

Soda and water, milord?

Nothing at all.
Thank you.

Water and water?
Scotch over ice, milord?

Nothing, Humphrey.

Scotch over scotch?

That will be all,
Humphrey. Thank you.

Care to play
musical glasses?
They're fun.

I don't want anything to drink.

Shall I draw the blinds, milord?

Draw your bath?
Draw your picture?

Look, Humphrey,
draw whatever you like,

but somewhere else,
huh, somewhere else.

Oh, shall I chalk
the ma'am's cue, milord?

Why don't we
just give up
until he winds down?

Yes.

I'm terribly sorry.

Now, Agatha, as I was saying...

Announcing Sir Wimbley,
Mrs. Floud.

(MUMBLING)

You should have
been with me, Aggie.

Earl's been telling me
all about something or other.

Oh, billiards!

May I serve the
refreshments, ma'am?

Thank you.

(WHISTLING)

(COUGHS)

(WHISTLES)

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

You know, Aggie?
What?

I bet that Humphrey'd
make a gentleman
out of your pa.

Take that home with us?

Ma, you got bats in your belfry?

I don't care.
I'm going to get
that Humphrey somehow.

Oh, Ma.

If Lady Maude
would only fire him.

Pa would feed him to the pigs.

Shoot your pool.
Oh.

Punch, ma'am?

I don't want any.

Well-spiked, ma'am.

A little punch, ma'am?

Make you feel
fit as a tiddly
and ready to wink.

Punch, milady?

Thank you.

Ooh!
(SCREAMS)

Oh! You!
You get out!

You're discharged,
you're fired,
you're through!

And don't you ever come back,

not tonight,
tomorrow night, or ever!

Now, get out!

It was an accident, milord.

Get out!

(MUMBLING)

I know, get out.
I know.

(CONTINUES MUMBLING)

...scoundrel!

"Big Squaw."

Hiya, Mike.
Hiya.

Howdy, Mr. Floud.

Hiya.

Hey, Pa.

Now, look here, Cart.

You stop calling me Pa.

What do you hear from Aggie?

She's on her way home.

Hey, what's this here
"gentleman's gentleman"?

Same as a man's man.
Gentleman's gentleman.

He's such a gentleman
even the gentlemen
think he's a gentleman.

Well, he'd better not
interfere in my plans.

Aggie and me's getting married

just as quick
as she gets back.
That's settled.

Well, maybe it ain't
so settled with Aggie.

Ma wrote that
some Earl was making
goo-goo eyes at her.

And if that's him,
you're in trouble.

You mean, he's in trouble,

because I'm going
to be meeting that train.

Listen, you won't be
needing that clean shirt

'cause the Earl ain't never
going to see it, Pa.

Don't call me Pa!

Ma, look!
Cart Belknap!

Oh, oh, oh, oh!
It's rocky up...

Hi, Cart.
Cheerio!

Get away from my girl.

Look, Cart...
Oh, she just...

Quiet, junior.

Cart, you let him alone!

Wait! We're going
through a tunnel.

Nobody's marrying Aggie but me.

Please, no dancing
in here. Please!

Cart!

Please! We've never
been introduced.

Oh, Cart!

Only a coward hits a coward.

(GUNSHOT)

Cart!

Go get him, Aggie.

Oh, Ma, let him go.

Go get him!

You don't have to worry, Ma.

He jumped.
I hope he jumps

all the way back to England.

Well, you're gonna go get him.

I got him this far in
first-class condition.

I ain't going to lose him now.

I won't do it.

If I bring him back alive,

you're going to have him
riding herd on me.

Oh!
Git!

Water.

Water.

Water. Water.

I'm going mad.

Water. Water.

Oh!

Mirage.

The heat.

I'm going mad.

Water.

Water.

Seltzer. Water.

Anything.

Must be drunk.

(COUGHING)

(COUGHING)

Buzzards. Bu...

Indians! Indians!

(WAR WHOOPS)

Hey, Fancy Pants!

Ah!
Oh! Oh!

What's the matter with you?
You gone loco?

No time to explain.
Here, hide behind there.

I'll bluff them.
I'll defy them.

(BOYS WHOOPING)

I'll run!

We'll die together.

What? What are you
raving about,
you knucklehead?

Indians.
Midget Indians.

Howdy, Aggie.
Need any help?

No.

What's the matter with him?

I think he snapped his twig.

It's a good thing they
were friends of yours,

or I'd have wiped out
the whole tribe.

Yeah, like you
wiped out Cart Belknap.

Midget Indians!

Belknap?
Is that the blighter

that tried to shoot
my toes off?
Yeah.

What's he got against me?

He wants to marry me.

I guess he got
the silly idea that
you and me were spooning.

(CHUCKLES)
Can you imagine
anything so ridiculous?

Preposterous.

You're not even my type, ma'am.

Just the same, he'd kill any man

that got within
hugging range of me.

In that case,
I shall look forward

to a long and happy
life, milady.

Come on, Fancy Pants.

Coming, ma'am.

Come on, help me up.

Yes, milady.

No, not like that.

Cup your hands like this.

Yes, milady.

Now, that wasn't a very
nice thing to do.

I should have given your
muscles more warning.

Yes, milady.

You're supposed to
boost me up. Boost!

Boost. Boost.

Ah, there you are.

Shall we take a canter, ma'am?

Ma'am? Ma'am?

Oh, now, what are you
doing down there?

I'm having tea
with a ground hog.

What do you think?

I'm sorry, ma'am.

I was just...
Shall we, then?

Not that again.
Get down on your
hands and knees.

Yes, ma'am.

We'll do it the blunt way.

Are you aboard, ma'am?

Yes. Now give me your arm.

Not that one, the other one.

Now, jump up.

Up. Coming up, ma'am.

Here we go, ma'am.

(WHINNIES)

Wouldn't it
be much simpler
to call a cab, ma'am?

I've got a better idea.

Come on.
Yes, ma'am.

When I was in the service
of the Earl of Brinstead,

I never had to help
His Lordship
mount a horse.

One pulled on his boots
in the morning

and pulled them off at night.

There were no animals involved.

Aw, shut up.
Get up on the rock.

Yes'm.

Face the horse.

The horse.

Take off your hat.

Boing!

MR. FLOUD: Effie.

Effie.

Effie!

Effie!

Yeah? What you hollering for?

Effie, what in the danged blazes

happened to all my clothes?

I burned them, every
varmint-ridden stitch.

Burned them?

Yeah. Humphrey's bought you

a whole new bunch
of store clothes.

I don't want no store clothes.

Humphrey?
Who's Humphrey?

The butler.
Butler?

Yeah. The one we
brought back with us.

I thought you said
Aggie was out looking

for the gentleman's gentleman.

That's Humphrey the butler.

Gosh, I thought that...

You thought what?

Oh, I just thought...

I doubt it.
And another thing,

get that rickety
old rocking chair

and that spittoon
out of here
before Humphrey arrives.

Now, get at it.

(WHISTLING)

Aggie.

Aggie!

Oh, Pa!

Hi, Pa!
Oh, Aggie!

You're a sight
for sore eyes, baby.

Oh, Pa, I never
seen nothing in Europe

that looks as good
as you and home.

Hey, how come you're
so Sundayed up
on Tuesday?

Ma's taken to finery
like a hog takes to slop.

Hmm. Oh.

Is he dead?

No. Sort of fainted
when I tapped him
with a little rock.

Well, then,
now's the time to
tap him with a big rock.

You could say
he fell off the horse.

No. Ma would
hold me responsible.

I'm in a pack
of trouble, Aggie.
How come?

Well, I didn't know
he was just a butler.

I told everybody in town
that he was an earl.

Now, they're fixing
to welcome him proper.

When Ma finds out,
what will I do?

You won't have to do,
you're gonna be did to.

On account of him.
Oh, please, Aggie.

Just one tap with a rock.

Jiggers!
Here comes Ma.

I got him, Ma.

Oh, fine.
I can just imagine...

Aggie, if he's broken,
so help me...

Oh, take it easy, Ma.
He's all right.

He's very alive for him.

Get him down from there.

There must be another
way to see America.

What's the matter, Humphrey,
can't you straighten up?

Something seems
to be out of order, ma'am.

We ought to put him
out of his misery.

If we do,
we'll have to bury him
in a bass drum.

Get him in the house.

I'm so glad you're
all right, Humphrey.

With a few days' rest,
I'll be miserable again.

I want you to meet the help.

This is Wampum, our hired hand,

and this is Wong, the cook.

Boys, meet Humphrey.

How-dee-do?

How.
Dee-do.

That over there is Mr. Floud.

Hi.
Hi, sir.

Now, let's get one thing
straight, Humphrey.

I take care of myself.

Oh, that's quite obvious, sir.

Now, you lookee...

Just a minute.
I give the orders
around here.

And Humphrey, you
can begin right now

lecturing Mr. Floud on
the proper way to act.

Oh, well, really,
Mrs. Floud, I...

Humphrey.

Well, if I may suggest, sir,

there are
ladies present.
Ladies?

He means me and Ma.

Oh, sassafras.

Now get upstairs.

I ain't a-going
till I get me some duds.

You ain't?

Shall I lay out
some fresh things
for Mr. Floud, ma'am?

First we're gonna fill
a tub full of hot water

and lay out Mr. Floud.

What?
Bath, ma'am?

Yes.

Now, lookee here, Effie.

Git!

You, too.

Oh, but...

Humphrey.

Yes, ma'am.

May I, sir?

Yes, yes.

Ah, delicious!
Would you...

I trust you're
going to shave, sir?

You can trust
one thing, Humphrey.

Nobody's given me no bath
since I was a baby.

Effie may fry my hide,

but right now,
any whippersnapper

that tries to give me a bath,

I'm going to cut him
too short to hang up.

That one turned
gray in your hand.

Now, you get out,

and keep your mouth shut.

What's the matter, Humphrey?

He desires to soak a bit, ma'am.

Oh. Well, while you're waiting,

you can fix Aggie's hair.

Bring it in, ma'am,
I'll give it a go.

No, Humphrey.
Come to her room.

I want you to do her up
like a... Like a duchess.

I haven't done up a duchess

for some time, ma'am,
but I'll try.

Get at it.

May I?

What the Sam Hill
do you think
you're doing?

Humphrey's going
to fix your hair, dear.

I just fixed my hair.

He's gonna make you
look like a duchess.

I don't want to look
like a duchess!

Aggie!

Well, what does
he know about
fixing a girl's hair?

What do I know?
Why, for 10 years

I was in the employ
of Gomez of Paris

as an expert on the coiffure.

I don't believe it.

You will,
after I coif your fure.

Now steady, steady.

Oh, I'll never forget
Lady Cunningham's hair.

She had me comb it
in a huge bun
on the top of her head.

It was very striking.

How uninteresting.

Yes. Everywhere she went,
people would say,

"There goes Lady Cunningham.

"She's the one
with the bun on."

(LAUGHS)

They were quaint folk.

Ah, now.

I must do something
inspirational,
something with a point.

An outstanding creation,
a monument to me.

Oh, I must have some equipment.

Is there a rat
or two around here?

Why don't you look
in the mirror?

Touche. I must do
something tall,

something statuesque.

Ah!

No, not tall enough.

(CANARY CHIRPS)

No!

Why...

Eureka!

Eureka! Yes.

Oh...

Ah! Magnifique!

My masterpiece!

I hope it's not molting season.

Ah-ah-ah,
milady.

Don't look till I leave, milady.

I can't stand flattery.

Ah!

(CHIRPING)
(SCREAMS)

Oh, you!

You!

(GLASS SHATTERING)

Oh, you are tubbing, sir.

Oh, take your underwear off.

The water's not that cold.

Wait till I get my hands on you!

I'll break your neck!

Oh! There you are.
Cheers!

We wanted you to see
the final result.

Humphrey,
you've outdone yourself.

I thought so.

It's stunning.

Yeah. It sure stunned me.

Perhaps I did tee
the bird a little high,

but I'll brush it up later.

I'll think of something,

maybe elaborate a little bit,

but right now
I have to get the curl
out of my fingers.

Good evening, Your Grace.

How do you do, Your Excellency?

Greetings, Your Earlship.

Ladies, all together.

ALL: Welcome to Big Squaw,
Your Grace.

Your Grace...

I'm Jones, publisher of
the Daily Chronicle.

Welcome to Big Squaw,
fastest growing little
town west of Wagon Wheel.

How do you do?
I'm Andrews,

the town undertaker.

Originally came west
to dig for gold.

Yeah. Well, no sense
wasting a shovel.

Your Grace, Your Grace,
I want you to
meet my daughter.

She's a little bit shy.

Shy of what?

So good to see
you all, my dears.

Oh, Effie, you're so lucky.

Congratulations.

And your guest!
Effie, what a prize!

You mean Humphrey?

She called him Humphrey,

his first name
right to his face!

Well, I knew Humphrey'd
cause quite a splash,

but I had no idea
it'd be
anything like this.

Every woman in Big Squaw
would give anything

to be in your shoes, Effie.

Thank you, dear.

Effie, this is the biggest
story my paper ever had.

You put Big Squaw on the map.

What?

Oh, don't tell me
you haven't seen it?

"Mrs. Mike Floud announces
the Earl of Brin...

"Earl of..."

Well, this certainly
makes you queen of
Big Squaw society.

Me, Queen?

Oh, it's silly, isn't it?

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

What His Lordship means

is that it's silly
to make all this fuss

over just a little old visit.

Isn't it, Your Lordship?

Oh, but...

Your collar.

(WHISPERING)
Double your salary,
double everything.

Well, as Humphrey,
Earl of Brinstead,

and on behalf of my hostess,

allow me to welcome you
to Floud Manor.

GUESTS: Thank you.

Oh, Your Lordship,

it's two minutes
past your teatime.

How can you endure it?

Sheer grit.

(ALL GIGGLING)

Shall we tea off, then?

Your daughter looks just
like the Duchess Murdock.

The duchess?

Oh, many an afternoon,
we had tea,
the duchess and I,

while her husband
the duke was
busily engaged

in his favorite sport.

Was that cricket?

Perhaps not, but she
was so irresistible.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Oh, this is
a fun group, isn't it?

Sit here, Your Lordship.

Pa, everybody in
town's down there.

And they think that...
Yeah.
I heard everything.

He was bad enough as a butler.

But there'll be
no living in this house,

now that everybody
thinks he's an earl.

We got...
(BIRD TWEETS)

What are you doing
with that bird up there?

That's what that
fancy-pants skunk
did to me.

(CHIRPS)
Ah, shut up.

Aggie...
What?

That Humphrey's got to go.

And I know just what
to do about it.
You do?

And Ma can't
blame us for a thing.

Good. What?

Cart Belknap already
thinks there's something
between Humphrey and me.

Yeah.

Suppose I let him
keep thinking it?

Cart would cut out his liver,

and bile his gizzard
in his own sauce.

One order of biled
gizzard coming up.

(BOTH LAUGH TRIUMPHANTLY)

Ah, yes, I'm enjoying

my jaunt to America
most frightfully.

How do American women
compare to
your English women?

Oh, I think your
American women
are much prettier.

How about your horses?

Oh, I think your American women

are even prettier
than our horses.

AGATHA: Sorry we're late.

Hi, everybody.

GUESTS: Hi, Aggie.
Hello.

Hello, Ag.

Aggie?
What?

Haven't I asked you
never to enter a room

without making curtsy
to Humphrey, the Earl?

Yeah, Ma, I know.

Dear, dear Earl,
what would
Lady Maude say?

No carnation in your buttonhole.

Oh, I can't wear them,
you know.
Turns my medals green.

Share that.

Earl, please tell us
about your medals.

Yes, go ahead and tell them.

I've seen him in action, folks.

He's cool as a tub
of old bath water.

Yeah. Some of the things
he's done

make my hair stand on end.

How about telling some
of your experiences
for my newspaper?

Oh, no, no, please.

His Lordship's very tired.

He's had such a busy day.

Oh, not at all, not at all.

Now, let me see...

Which medal
shall I explain first?

Thank you.

Well, I think
it was my first year
of service out East.

It was my first year of service.

I was a mere lieutenant
at the time.

Well, those native chaps
were becoming very nasty.

They'd been stirring up
a bit of unrest for weeks.

Meant to wipe us out, you know,

but they were only waiting

for the end of the monsoon.

Monsoon, that's
French for mister.

Exactly.

Those infernal drums
started beating.

Boom b-b-boom,
boom b-boom.

"The time to worry," he said,

"is when those
infernal drums cease."

Those infernal drums ceased.
I worried.

But he was still the
bravest man out East.

Colonel Jothergill
drew me aside.

"It's three against 1,000,"
he muttered.

We had to have reinforcements.

No man could get through.

The Earl was just
a boy at the time.

Colonel Jothergill,

old spit and polish
we called him lovingly,

because he was
always spitting,
and he was Polish.

Well, sir...
Old Colonel Jothergill
outlined his plan to me.

I volunteered
to go ahead for aid.

Needless to say,
it was a dangerous mission.

Behind us was a river,
dark and infested
with crocodiles.

To the right, a jungle
full of hissing pythons.

And the Earl hissed
right back at them,
didn't you, Earl?

(HISSING) Yes.

To the left,
a wall of high cliffs,

and ahead, the enemy.

Three against 1,000.

How horrible!

Exciting, though.

Now, the dawn was
coming up in the east.

Our spirits were going down
in the west.

Three against 1,000.

What chance did we have?

And as the sun rose,
they attacked.

It would soon be over, we knew.

We shook hands all around,

doled out our
last rations of food...

Our last drops of water.

Our ammunition
practically exhausted.

Then Colonel Jothergill
told us the worst of it.

"Stiff upper lip," he muttered.

"You'll have
to face it, chaps."

There was no more tea.

Oh.

They'd pay dearly for this.

We'd sell our lives
at a fearful price.

How to stop them?
How to get out of it?

How?
How!

How.

There was no more time.

We could hear
their frightful howls.

There they were,
storming the fort,

hacking at us, screaming,
spearing, slashing,

breaking the British square...

Three against 1,000.

Three, mind you.

Oh!

You're wonderful.

(COUGHS)
There I was, with a spear
right through my body.

Didn't it hurt?

Only when I laughed.
I drew the spear
and started to hack away.

Colonel Jothergill,
who was hacking away
to the right of me,

was hacked down. Ha!

Now, I really got angry.
I drew my cutlass,

started to hew my way
through them,

slashing, slashing
heads, arms, legs, bodies!

Oh!

There I was,
drenched with blood.

Blood...

Drenched with blood, mind you.

Blood.

(GUESTS GASPING)

Well, Mr. Belknap.

Poor chap...

Couldn't stand a gory story.

Well, excuse me.

I always take a nap
before going to bed.

But, Your Lordship!
Hmm?

What happened?
How did it end?

Oh, the encounter.

Well, we finally
put them to route,

but we all agreed
they were three of
the toughest rascals

we'd ever fought.

Well, good night.

Good night, then.

What a performance.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Enter then.

Humphrey, get out of that bed

and make tracks for
the yellow dog saloon.

Them two varmints,
Pa and Aggie's

headed over there
in buckskins.
It's a revolt.

(IN BRITISH ACCENT)
Ah, but, Effie...

One does not disturb
an earl this early,

and the Earl's feeling
very earlish this morning.

Humphrey, in
the Morning Chronicle
you may be an earl,

and in front
of my friends
you may be an earl,

but every payday,
you're Humphrey the butler.

And your job is Pa and Aggie!

Oh, but, Mrs. Floud, I...

Humphrey.

Yes, ma'am?

Yes, ma'am.

Now, where's my hat?

* Wore a high silk hat
and a long tail coat

* I looked just like
O'Leary's goat

* Singin' yi-yi yippi
yippi yay yippi yay

* Singin' yi-yi yippi yippi yay

* It's bacon and beans
almost every day

* I'd a-soon be a-eatin'
some prairie hay

* Singin' yi-yi yippi
yippi yay yippi yay

* Singin' yi-yi yippi yippi yay

* My foot in the stirrup,
rope by my side

* Show me a horse
that I can't ride

* Singin' yi-yi yippi
yippi yay yippi yay

* Singin' yi-yi yippi
yippi yay *

Yipe! Pa, look who's here.

Eh? Oh.

Ahem. Boys, meet our boarder,

the Earl of Beerstein.

ALL: Hi, Earl.
Hi, Earl.

I'm begging
your pardon, sir,
the Earl of Brinstead.

What's the difference?
Come on, boys,
let's have a beer.

Uh-uh-uh.

The mater's
requested that you both
return to the Manor.

What's wrong
with our manners here?

Why, I shall
personally escort
you both home, ma'am.

Oh, relax, Earl.

Come on, let's talk it over.

We got to wet
our whistles first.

Let's have a beer.

I'd like to stay,
but we really should be going.

You know the madam.

Oh, I sure do,
Humphrey, I sure do.

The question is
will she be madder
at me and Aggie

'cause we lit out
this morning if we
come home sober,

or will she get so mad
if we come home
with beer on our breath

that she'll forget
how we lit out?

Let's have a few beers...

It might be too late.
Oh, never mind.

Come on, Sam,
hurry up with that beer.

By Jove, they're alive.

Jolly.

(ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Whoa!

I'm sorry.

Thank you.

(COUGHS)

Here you are, Earl.

Oh, thank you.

Sorry.

(PIANO PLAYING)

(WHISPERS) Get Cart.

* Hey

(WHISTLES)

* Fancy Pants

* You're a pussyfootin' critter

* When ya see a gal, ya skitter

* Hey, you

(WHISTLES)

* Fancy Pants

* Oh, ya dropped
your pretty hankie

* Mama's gonna spankie

* Hey

* Fauntleroy

* Women who crave men
wanna love cave men

* Say, angel boy

* Show some grit

* That's what ya gotta get

* Hey

(WHISTLES)

* Fancy Pants

* You're a highfalutin geezer

* Afraid to take a gal
and squeeze her

* Hey, you

(WHISTLES)

* Fancy Pants

* Run to Mama for protection

* How's your stamp collection?

* Hey

* Pantywaist

* Look-it at us
and stompin' and cussin'

* What ya scared about?

* Take a chance

* If you're rootin' and tootin'

* Folks'll quit a-hootin'

* There goes Fancy Pants

(ALL CHEERING)

Fancy Pants.

Chaser.

(ALL SHOUTING)

HUMPHREY: Mind you,
my throat was
only slightly cut

from ear to ear,

but I had to hold my head
with one hand

because the tissue was broken.

I felt if I could
only get back
to the base,

I could recover in a fortnight.

Five days, you know.

Then it happened.
What?

In all Africa,
I've never come across
a more ferocious beast.

There it stood
in the pitch-black night.

Its immense size
completely dwarfing
the elephant I was riding.

How could you tell how
big it was in the dark?

Oh, the dark night made
his white coat stand out.

You see, when you...

Hello, Mr. Belknap.

Well, it's crumpet time.
I must be jogging along.

No, Earl.

I'd like to hear
the rest of the story.

Oh, you'd better be
careful, old chap.

This is pretty gruesome,
and you know what
happened to you last night.

Maybe this time I can take it.

Well, if you want to risk it.
Now, where was I?

You were looking
at that great big animal
in the dark.

I was? Oh, I was.
Yes, yes, yes.

Well, its white coat stood out.

Largest polar bear
I've ever seen.
Must've been...

Polar bears don't
belong in Africa.

That's what I kept telling him.

He kept coming towards me.

I kept retreating step by step.

What happened to
that big elephant
you were riding?

I sent him for help...
I think. Yes.

Well, there he was.

I stood there all alone,
unarmed, except for a spear

that an unfriendly native
had left lodged in my chest.

But it only hurt you
when you laughed.

Yes. (COUGHS)

I withdrew the spear,

staggered back,
weak from the loss of blood.

I was all blood,
dripping with blood,

even the bear was bloody.

Ooh. Aren't you
feeling a little faint?

No? Did I tell you
the ground was
covered with blood?

I said that.
It's crumpet time.
I'd better be jogging...

You know what I would've
done to that big old bear?

Well...
I'd have twisted
his neck like this.

Huh?

Then I'd have
got him by the ears

and I would've just
yanked them off.

I wish you'd been there.
It'd have been...

Then I'd have got me
a couple of handfulls of
fur like this

and just pulled them off.

Maybe we better stop Cart.

Oh, he's just getting warmed up.

I wish Humphrey'd
make a move
so Cart could let go.

Can't expect Humphrey
to face up to Cart.

Then you know what
I would've done?

Don't tell me.
Let me guess.

All right.
Go ahead and guess.

Guess you'd have
taken your trusty rifle

and you'd just let him
have it like that.

Cheerio.

Pretty good, eh, Effie?

Oh, Mr. Mayor, it's so big,

it scares the daylights
out of me.

President Teddy Roosevelt.

He's making
a swing through
the western territory,

wouldn't have touched
Big Squaw with a big stick.

But when I wired him
about the Earl,

he wired right back,
"He'd be dee-lighted."

Land o' Goshen.

(CHUCKLES) Of course,
he can stay right here

in the house with you,
can't he, Effie?

Here? In my house?
Mmm-hmm.

I'd be tickled stiff.

Maybe if we treat him real nice,

he'll recommend
that Congress change
this territory into a state.

Land sakes.

And, Effie,
you'd be queen of the state.

Oh, Mayor.

Well, I got to start
organizing my committee.
Good-bye, Effie.

Congratulations, Aggie.
Congratulations, Mike.

Aggie, President Roosevelt's
coming here to see Humphrey.

Isn't that wonderful?
Oh, Mike!

What?

I'd have swore she
said the President

was coming to see Humphrey.

That's what I did say.
Isn't it wonderful?

Ma, have you been
in the applejack?

No, Mike. It's true.
It's true.

Well, what's he want
to see Humphrey for?

Because he thinks
Humphrey's the Earl.

Where is Humphrey?

Humphrey?

Uh, Teddy Roosevelt, eh?
Well, I'll be hogtied.

Where is Humphrey?

Go ahead.
You tell her.

Well, the last time we saw him,

he was sort of heading
out of town.

Out of town?

Yeah. (STAMMERING)

All of a sudden
he got lonesome
for London.

You two!

I might have known
you'd do something
like that.

Ma, we done nothing.

You get on your horse
and go get him.

And don't you come back
here without him.

We might
get in trouble
for this, Ma.

Get in worse trouble
if we didn't have him.
Now git.

And, you. Get out
of them clothes.

Wait a minute.
Take it easy.

Humphrey!

Wait!

Hey, Fancy Pants!

What is this, branding time?

Leave me alone.
I wanna get out
of this country.

Well, I don't blame you.
Me and Pa were awful ugly,

and Cart Belknap isn't exactly
a chamber-of-commerce welcome.

Go away. I was doing all right

in this pump and grunt
until you came along.

I didn't want to come.
Ma sent me.
I knew you'd say no.

Well, you knew right.

You know, it took a lot of nerve

squirting water in Cart's face.

That's why I figured
you might have nerve enough

to meet President Roosevelt.

Well, I've got the nerve
to face anybody.

You don't think that I'm...

Who?

See, everybody in Big Squaw
thinks you're a real earl.

And Teddy Roosevelt's
coming to town
just to meet you.

Well, so President Roosevelt's
coming to meet
the Earl of Brinstead,

and no Earl.

Well, you're going
to look pretty silly.

And your Ma and Pa's
going to look silly.

And this whole
silly little town's
going to look silly.

You'll have to change
the name to Big Silly.

Well, at that,
it might be worse
if you stayed.

You might be able to
make a lot of country folks

think you're an earl,
but I reckon

President Roosevelt's
met some real earls.

Say, presidents can be fooled.

They vote for themselves,
don't they?

Besides,
I made you think
I was a butler.

That's easy.
You are.

Look, Aggie Floud,
I've been waiting
a long time

to take some bows
for my performance.

I'm no earl.
I'm no butler.

I'm not even Humphrey.

My name's Arthur Tyler,
and I'm an actor.

An actor! Gosh!

If you'll get off
my handcar,
I'll be leaving.

But why did you pretend
to be a butler?

Because I was stranded
in London, flat broke.

So flat, they threw me
out of the hotel

without opening the door.

I could make President Roosevelt

think I was
the Earl of Brinstead,
but I won't.

Gee, if you're
an actor,
we've got a chance.

And if you're a good actor,

this could be
the biggest job
you ever had.

Imagine playing
an English Earl
for President Roosevelt

with me, Ma, and Pa to applaud.

Yeah, and I'd be the star.

That's a step up.

And an audience of three.
That's a step up.

Sure, you put Big Squaw
on the map.

You can't just wipe it off now.

There's a lot of innocent
people down in town
depending on you.

Innocent.
How about Cart Belknap?

Would you tell him
we don't mean
anything to each other

so he'll stop
trying to put my head
in his trophy room?

Sure. I'll tell him
we don't mean anything
to each other.

You'll be perfectly safe.

Then after
the President leaves,
you can go away again.

Gee, President Roosevelt.

A command performance.

I accept this role,
but for
a one-night stand only.

Then I must go on tour,

any place, just so it's away.

Everybody's gonna be
real grateful
to you for this.

And I mean, everybody, Arthur.

Hang on.

Yes, President Roosevelt,

I'm the Earl
of Brinstead. Hmph!

Oh, wait till my agent
hears about this.

Here we go.

* Oh, woe is me

* What goes with me

* I hate this livin'
I've chose for me

* Tired of meetin' misery

* Should've never roamed

* And left that home cookin'

* Home cookin'

* Life is cruel

* I was a fool to roam

* A rollin' stone

* Don't get no moss

* It don't get nothin'
but double-cross

* See the world,
that's applesauce

* Never get your nose too far

* From home cookin'

* Home cookin'

* I'm afraid I should've
stayed at home

* I meet a gal

* Her name is Sal

* I want to keep her
in my corral

* But she says she's just a pal

* And she's never home

* When you want home cookin'

* Ooh-long

BOTH:
* Home cookin'
* Been too long

* Life is cruel,
I was a fool to roam

* Too long from Hong Kong

* Far from Wigwam

* Me heap big brave

* I miss my squaw

* I even miss my squaws-in-law

* Hunt with Minnehaha's Pa

* Feed Papoose a half a moose

* How
ALL:
* Home cookin'

* Gimme that * Home cookin'

* Sit on rug and ugh, ugh, ugh

* With tribe

* Give me Hong Kong Hankow

* Where I'm chop chop
number one boy

* Shanghai, Foo Chow

* Marry pretty girl Ming Toy

* For home cookin'

* Home cookin'

* Reckon Chinie fellow
Like home chow

* I went abroad, and how I hawed

* Them English critters
ain't never thawed

* When a duke says, Yes, milord

* Partner, you can hear me yell

* For home cookin'

* Home cookin'

* Some fancy pants

* Might stand a chance with me

* Blowin' peace pipe smoke rings

* Rice cake, kumquat,
plenty to spare

* Real fine wing-dings

* Rockin' in a rockin' chair

* That's home cookin'

* Sniff it then

* Home cookin'

* The quiet life
is quite the life for me

* Yes, gimme that home cookin'

* Scoop it up

* Home cookin'

* That's the life for me

Jiggers, here comes Ma.

Here comes Ma.

What happened?

Shh.

EFFIE: I'm home!
All right.

* The President's coming
to our house *

Dear boy.

I do hope everybody's
got this straight.

The Mayor and
the welcoming committee

will bring the President
direct here from the depot.

And out on the porch,
the Silver Cornet Band

will be playing something loud.

And Humphrey,
you'll be waiting upstairs

with your monocle
and your full-dress suit

until that fellow
out on the porch
with the bugle plays...

* Ta-da
* Ta-da

And then you start downstairs.

Everybody cheers
till you get downstairs,

and Pa introduces you
to Mr. Roosevelt.

Mmm-hmm.

And, you, Aggie.
What?

If you forget to curtsy,
I'll bust your curtsier.

All right, Ma.

This here party's
coming off right

or them responsible
is gonna suffer.

Yes, Ma.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

I'll get it, ma'am.

I'll get it.
I'll get it.

Quit calling me ma'am.

You're the Earl of Brinstead.

Probably just Carrie
with the potato salad.

Humphrey, I just want
to tell you

it was mighty nice of you
to come back
and be earl for Ma

after the way we treated you.

That's quite
all right, old chap.

You can call me Pa if you like.

Oh, thanks, Pa.

Oh, what a season.

I hope Carrie hasn't overloaded

her potato salad
with onions again.

All right, bring it in.

How do you do?
Mrs. Floud?

Ah!

(THUDS)

Fainted. Put her
in that chair.

That's the trouble with
these surprise visits,
Mr. President.

That's right.

She'll be all right.

Oh, here now, here now.

What's amiss, you chaps?

What are you doing
to Mrs. Floud?

She's fainted.

Oh, don't stand there.
Get some water.

Certainly.
I'll tell Mr. Floud.

There's been
so much excitement
here today.

President Roosevelt's coming,

and everybody's way up there.

Oh, give her
a spot of that brandy.

It's not very good,
but it'll help, I think.

I...

Aggie, Pa, Pa, Aggie.

(WHISTLES)

Shh. Shh.
What?

It's the President.

(WHISTLES)

Welcome to Big Squaw,
Mr. President.

I'm Mike Floud.

This here's my daughter Aggie.

How do you do?

And this here is
the Earl of Brinstead.

Oh, quite.

And this is our hostess
Mrs. Effie Floud.

Wake up, Ma.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Floud,

I dropped in so unexpectedly,

but we drove over
from Broken Arrow.

Yes, I should have stayed
on the official train.

But I've listened to so many
welcoming speeches
on this trip,

I was hoping
to avoid the one
at your depot.

I hope you'll excuse
our appearance,
Mr. President.

We were all out
in the kitchen just
fixing things up for you.

Yes. Even the Earl.

He's good at cleaning
and polishing.

Oh, it's a matter
of your democracy.

You know, when in Rome

and all that sort of there.

Aggie, take the President
into the parlor

till we get things
fixed up in the kitchen.

Please let's not
be formal, Mrs. Floud.

Personally, I'd like
to go out in the kitchen
with you. Could I?

You mean it?

I make a steak sauce
that's very popular
in Washington.

You do?

Extraordinary.
Learned it in Paris.

Paris cooking.

Well, you're our man.

Gee, he's the nicest
President I ever met.

Back to the kitchen, everybody.

Dee-lighted.
Bully for you.

And to think I almost
voted for Bryan.

I say, this is
a ginger group. Isn't it?

There we are.

Sure looks good,
don't it?
Give me some.

I'm agog with anticipation.

Mmm. Mmm.
Wonderful.

As you would say,
Mr. President,
dee-licious.

Thank you.
Thank you.

I think it still needs
a little more cooking sherry.

Pa.

Gee whiz, Ma.

I ain't had a drink
since I was up in them hills
and got bit by a rattler.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah,
and Pa's getting too old
to climb them hills.

Agatha.

Perhaps another dash
of sherry wouldn't hurt.

Oh, nonsense.

And you keep your nose
out of the
President's recipe.

I was just saying my opinion.

Nobody's interested
in your opinion.

Well, that's just your opinion.

There was plenty of
sherry in your cooking
before we got married.

Well, Mike Floud,
are you insinuating...

Ma, if you'd used
stronger sherry,

I bet I'd be two years older.

Oh, keep out of this.
And, you, Mike Floud...

Oh, don't start
that argument...
(BOTH ARGUING)

Mrs. Floud, Mr. Floud.

After all,
the President
is on his vacation.

Do you want him
to think he's back
with Congress?

Sorry, Mr. President.

Oh, I've heard
discussions like this
in my own kitchen.

And I must say,
my wife has convinced me

that I have just as much right

to her opinion as she has.

(ALL LAUGHING)

You mean,
the First Lady
has the last word.

Well put, Brinstead.

And now, we melt
a little butter.

Butter's right over here.

Isn't he wonderful?

Yeah. This whole Earl business

makes me feel like a lowdown...

Oh, Brinstead.

Coming, sir.

Tell me, Brinstead,
what is the attitude
in England

regarding the
Mediterranean situation?

Oh, yes.
Well, frankly,

there are two schools
of thought, pro and con.

Of course.
But just how do they
feel about it? Pro and con?

Well, the pro people
seem to be for it,

and the con group
are definitely against it.

Naturally.

But you personally, Brinstead,

just what stand do you take?

Oh, me?
Yes. Well, I'm pro.

Why, Brinstead,

how can you endorse a situation

that can only lead to trouble?

Well, what I mean is,
I'm pro-con.

I'm for those
who are against it.

The train came in,
and he wasn't even on it.

Me, a registered democrat,

waiting at the station
for a whole hour.

I had my speech
all written out
in longhand, too,

and he never even show, show...

Jumping Jehoshaphat, it's him!

AGATHA: Hey, where
are you going?

The committee's waiting
on the front porch.

Oh!
Here we go.

Well, Brinstead,
I guess we're in for it.

But at least we made a good try.

Well, it was ripping
while it lasted,
Mr. President.

Shall we then?

Hey, Ma, where's
my collar and tie?

Right there
in the chafing dish.
Hurry up!

(ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Ahem. Mr. President,
as Mayor of Big Squaw,

permit me to welcome you
to our fair city.

Oh, bravo! Bravo!

Excellent oration,
brief but meaty.

Thank you, Mr. Mayor.
Thank you all.

But, Mr. President,
there's a lot more.

That's all right.
You can mail it in later.

Yes, everybody get
a plate and pitch
right in to the food.

Just move right around.
It's free.

You know, Aggie
gets the credit for this
venison, Mr. President.

She shot it from over
200 yards away.

Bully for you.
That's good shooting.

Thank you.
How do you do?

If I had the time,
I'd like to do some hunting
in your western hills.

Oh, too bad,
we have plenty of
deer around here,

and bear, too.

Very tempting, but my schedule

calls for me to leave tonight.

What we ought to
have is a fox hunt.

Oh, yes.
They're fun, sure.

I brought back some
of the most wonderful

hunting outfits from London.

Fox hunt, what a wonderful idea.

I could have arranged
a wonderful fox hunt

that would have even been
a pleasure for the fox.

Over hill and dale,

ho, yoiks and away,
tallyho,
and all that sort of rot.

It's a shame you have
to be going, Mr. President.

I don't think
I could rearrange
my train schedule.

Of course you can't.

Too bad. Big Squaw
would've talked
about it for years.

Yeah, a fox hunt.

Bad show,
disappointing the hounds.

By Gad, we won't
disappoint them,
Brinstead.

We'll have a fox hunt.

Bennett,
we're staying over
till tomorrow.

See about the trains.

GUESTS: Hooray!
Hooray!

Hooray.

And Brinstead can lead the hunt.

Hooray!
Hooray!

I might even start tonight.

ALL: Tallyho!
Tallyho!

Tallyho!
Tallyho!

Tallyho.
Tallyho.

Come on, boy.
Come on, boy.
Git it.

(CLICKING TONGUE)

Faster, boy.

Come on, old paint.
We can catch that fox.

Giddy up, boy. Giddy up.

Whoa. Whoa.
Whoa. Whoa!

Okay, hold it, boy.
Whoa! Whoa.

Not bad.

Not bad barrel-riding.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa!

Now we'll try the horse.

A real live horse?
An animal?

Yeah, here's old Bessie.

Oh, be careful.

Here's old Bessie.

Get on.
Get the feel of her.

Gentle as a kitten.

Look at those teeth.
Over 15 years old.

I wasn't afraid she'd bite me.

It's the part I sit on
that I'm worried about,

but here goes.

(WHINNIES)

Whoop. Mmm-hmm...

Lied about her age.

Well, back to the barrel.

Aggie, let's face it.

I can't go out there
riding in any fox hunt.

Playing an earl
was easy, but all
I ever hunted was a job.

But you got to ride.
The town's
depending on you.

Let's say you convince me.

Who's going to
convince the horse?

Look, I'll teach you
to stick in the saddle

if we have to work
here all night.

No, Aggie. I've tried,
but I'm just
a living-room earl.

You'll have to get
another boy
for that rough stuff.

I ain't asking you
to try to ride

for Big Squaw or for Pa or Ma.

Just for me.

Me? I mean, you?

The first time I saw you,
I said to myself,

"Here's a dirty, lowdown,
lily-livered coyote."

Then as I got
to know you better,

I figured you for
a filthy, sneaking rat.

I grow on people like that.

But then again you remind me

of a little old chipmunk
I had when I was a kid.

Only thing I ever loved.

Same look in the eye as you got.

I'll never forget
how he looked at me

just before he went west.

California?

Dead. Cart Belknap shot him.

Did you tell Cart Belknap

that we didn't mean
a thing to each other?

Not yet, but I was fixing to.

Well, don't.
'Cause I don't like
my women to be lying.

You mean, you aren't
running out on us?

Let me back on that barrel.

Nothing's
going to stop me,
maybe not even a horse.

Would you give me
a little help here, please?
Oh.

Leg up.
Yeah, leg up.

A little lower, please.

Just a little lower.
Chin up.

That'll have to hold you
till I catch the fox.

(BLOWING)

Now you hold fox good.

I put on gravy.

Gravy?
What's that for?

Dogs not hunt fox before,

but dogs very much like gravy.

(DOGS BARKING)

MAN: Hooray for the President!

CROWD: Hooray!
Hooray!

Good morning.
Good morning.

Oh, Mr. President,
this is so thrilling,
ain't it, everybody?

Yeah!

Yes, indeed.
Bully idea,
this fox hunt.

Well, may not be
exactly like England,

but the fox'll never
know the difference.

(ALL LAUGHING)

This horse is yours,
Mr. President.

Fine. Fine.

Tallyho!

Pip pip, everyone.
Top of the morning,
Your Excellency.

Morning, Brinstead.
Splendid day
for the hunt.

Righto. Typical
Devonshire weather.

Ho-ho-ho! Give a horse
a man he can ride.

Well, where's Bessie?

(WHISTLES)
Here, Bess! Here, Bess!

Bessie's over here.

Oh, I didn't recognize you.

CART: Just a minute,
Your Lordship.

Mr. President, I brought
this pony over from my ranch.

He's the best jumper
in these parts.

I'd sure be honored if
you'd ride him in the hunt.

Capital, sir. Capital.
Very nice of you.

I'd be dee-lighted.

Fine animal. Fine animal.

But the Earl of Brinstead
is a guest of our country.

I think he should
have the horse.

Oh, I wouldn't think of it.

After all, fox hunting
is old hat with me.

I wouldn't wanna deprive
the President
of the best jumper.

I figured on that,
so I brought you one
just as good.

Oh, you didn't have to do that.

Bully. In that case,
then I'll accept.

Change the saddle.

Yes.
Bully, by all means.

Now bring in the Earl's horse.

Yeah...

(WHINNYING)

That's a horse?

Why, that's peaceful.

Peaceful.
Nickname, huh?

He just put four riders to rest.

Yeah, but they weren't
masterful horsemen
like the Earl here.

He'll quiet down
once you're
in the saddle,

and he knows that
you're the boss.

Can't we tell him before that?

Oh! I don't want to appear
ungrateful, old boy,

but I promised Bessie
she could go,

and I wouldn't want
to disappoint her at all.

Who would you rather disappoint,

Bessie or the President?

Don't answer that.

Let's get that saddle on him.

What are we going to do now?

You could break a leg.

Oh, I knew I could
depend on you.

All ready for you, Earl.

Come on.
I'll give you a leg up.

Leg up, he says.
Little does he know.

Coming, old bean. Ta.

Oh.
(WHINNIES)

Oh, terribly sorry.

Clumsy me.
Awkward leg up.

Oh. Oh.

What happened?
Oh, oh.

What is it?

It's an old injury.
Got it playing rugby
at Oxford.

Kept me off the crew,
you know.
I was a four-letter man.

I know. I know.
But we can't have
the hunt without you.

I guess we'll have
to call it off.

Oh, nothing of the sort.
Tradition. Oh, no,
I'll be all right.

Didn't sleep a wink last night
just thinking of it.

Don't unsaddle old peaceful.

Just bring him over here
and have him kneel down.

(WHINNIES)
Oh, oh.

Oh, oh.

Now, Brinstead,
you mustn't try to ride.

You'll only aggravate
that injury.

Oh, I'll suffer
through, Prez.
I'll be all right.

You can't ride.
President's orders.

Oh, well, I guess I'm outvoted.

Rum luck, eh?

First fox hunt
I ever remember missing.

Oh, I don't know how
I'll explain it
down at the hunt club.

(EXCLAIMS) There it goes.

Well, buzz off without me,
you lucky people.

Mount up, you all.
Have fun.

I'll just sit here
till you and
the pain go away.

Oh! Steady.

Oh, too bad Earlee bustee legee.

Yeah.

And it's going
to get a lot worse.
Give me that gravy.

Well, mustn't keep
the President waiting.
Pip pip, cheerio.

Tally!
Bring back the fox.

I'll make a neckpiece for you.

Ooh, you lovely knee.

That's hard luck, Earl.

You want to be
real careful
with this leg now.

That's all right.
I'm top-hole, really.

No further injuries?
What about this one?
No, I'm all right.

Don't break that.
It's the only one
I have left.

Uh, uh, please, please.
How about
your chest?

I'm fine.

Any broken ribs?
No, I'm all right.

How's your back?
My back? Oh, my back.

(LAUGHING)

Don't worry about a thing.
That's doggone
nice of you, Earl.

That's all right.
I'll be... I'll be fine.

Trump the trumpets!
(WHISTLES)

Unbox the fox!

(DOGS BARKING)

Look at him go.

He must have a date
with another fox.

Unbound the hounds!

(BARKING)

(YAPPING)

Yoiks away!

Hey, they're looking for you.

Help! Murder!
Police dogs!

Help! Go away.

What am I, the fox?

(YAPPING)

Shh!

(YAPPING)

Shh! Shh!
Stool pigeon.

(YAPPING)

(LOUD BARKING)

Must be a meat shortage!

Please stop.
I wouldn't do this
to a dog!

I'd throw you a bone,
but it's on my leg.

(YAPPING)

Shh!

(CONTINUES YAPPING)

(DOGS WHIMPERING)

I've ridden with several hunts

where we've lost the fox,
but this is the first time
I've ever lost the dogs.

Maybe we ought
to go home,
get us some guns

and turn this into a bear hunt.

Don't think I'll have
the time, Mr. Floud.

I'll just barely
be able to ride back
to your house

and say goodbye
to my friend, the Earl.

Giddy up.

Couldn't we just
buy some more dogs
and keep going?

Ma, we've already
corralled every animal
that could bark.

I don't see
what could've happened

to a whole mess
of hungry hounds.

Come on.

Hey.

Hey.

(THUDS)

One for the road?

For a man with a bad leg,
you ride pretty good.

When one is born
to the saddle,
the hunt must go on.

You don't say.

Oh, yes. In fact,
the Brinstead
coat of arms

is a pair of riding britches,

rampant on a field of blisters.

That's very funny.
Now, let's see you laugh

your way out of this,
Mr. Tyler.

Tyler? Who's Tyler?

You are.
Here's your picture,
Mr. Tyler.

I've been reading
what they had
to say about you.

Here you are.

"Arthur Tyler,
an American
and an actor..."

But not a very good one.

Oh, yeah? Just a minute.
There's one here
that says, uh...

It's, uh...
Look-it here. It says,

"Arthur Tyler gives
a standout performance."

Then you admit that
you are Arthur Tyler?

Oh, of course not.

Then what's this
scrapbook doing
under your pillow?

I like to sleep
with my head high.

I'm Humphrey, Earl of
Brinstead, old fellow.

Pip pip, and all that
sort of hoity-toity.

And I'd like to take
my scrapbook.

You know, the President
and this whole town
is gonna be real upset

when they find out
how you and them Flouds

tried to make fools out of them.

Oh, but, Mr. Belknap,

surely you're not going
to tell them about it.

I mean, not so much for me,

but the Flouds,
they're such nice people.

Especially Aggie.

Yeah, that's right.

I wouldn't miss this
for a million bucks.

(CROWD CHEERING)

Well, here we go,
Mr. Tyler. Cheerio.

And by the way,
I'll put a real good
finish on this for you...

Your funeral notice.

You can't do it, Mr. Belknap.

You're not going out there
with that scrapbook!

Oh, no?
Ooh!

(GLASS SHATTERING)

(WHISTLING)

Oh!

(CRASHING)

He found my scrapbook.
He knows I'm an actor.

Well, get out of there, quick.

(WHISTLING)

(WHISTLING)

I could've sworn
that was Brinstead.

Brinstead? Where?
There.

(YAPPING)

(BARKING)

Quick! Here comes
the President.

Huh? Oh!
Get out.

Brinstead.

Oh, Mr. Roosevelt.
I almost didn't make it.

I just had to say goodbye, sir.

But what happened?

Well, I was determined
to reach the train
before you left,

but I fell down twice
for every time I got up.

Bad leg, you know, sir.

You shouldn't have attempted it.

You ought to be in bed
with a leg like that.

Oh, don't worry about me,
Mr. President.

It was jolly of you
to stop off here
in Big Squaw.

Splendid hunt.
Wish I had been there.

Perhaps we'll hunt
together sometime

when you come across the pond.

(DOGS BARKING)

So that's what
happened to our dogs.

Crazy dogs.
Why did they have
to chase him this way?

Listen, Mr. President,
you and this whole town

ought to know
what them Flouds
and that fake Earl's

trying to put over on ya.

What are you
talking about, Belknap?

Why, he's just
a cheap little actor.

It's the most humiliating thing.

I'm going right back
to England! And I...

He's a fake.
And that book he's got
will prove it to you.

Oh, why, you!
Give me that!

Accusations, just accusations!

(ALL CLAMORING)

If we get out of this alive,

nothing will ever
come between us.

(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS)

(CRASHING)

A kiss like that can kill a guy.