Original subtitles

WOMAN: Hey, Fancy Pants!

No popcorn during my performance...

Peasants.

NARRATOR: January 6, 1912.

William Howard Taft, President of these United States,

signs an enabling act

admitting the territory of New Mexico into the union as the 47th state.

From a far day in 1850,

the stubborn frontiersmen of this great territory

have asserted their rights to statehood.

This, then, is not the story of how New Mexico won

its long and heartbreaking struggle for admission.

Rather, it is an account of one of the reasons the struggle took 62 years.

This, then, is the saga of a lost cause...

And one man who helped to lose it.

His story begins one summer's day in 1905

on a cricket field just outside London.

GAME ANNOUNCER: The score is 76 for the gentlemen,

105 for the players.

Lynnhaven makes ready to deliver again to Mr. Fairwick.

Ah, a splendid blow!

(LOUD WHISTLING)

Oh, I say there!

(WHISTLES)

Aggie, cut out that whistling!

But, Ma, he hit a homer!

Whistling ain't refined.

Now, you quit it, or I'll bang you over the head

with these long-stemmed glasses.

I say, this is a bit thick, what?

Well, for my part, I find the young lady rather intriguing.

Oh, you can't be serious, Van Basingwell,

never seen anything quite so crude...

Dress, gaudy jewelry. Disgusting display of wealth.

Oh, indeed, yes.

And I made a point of introducing myself.

You don't say.

Yes. Name is Floud.

Mother is an American nouveau riche,

determined to inflict culture upon her daughter, Agatha.

Quite a pippin, huh, Twombley?

Scarcely your cup of tea, George.

Beyond a cup of tea, Twombley.

More substantial thinking needed these impoverished days.

Beef and potatoes.

MAN: Oh, I say!

My word!

Indeed!

Look, Ma, we got ourselves a souvenir!

You give 'em back that ball this minute.

Aw...

Hand it over.

I say! Is it broken? I don't think so.

Can you continue? Of course.

Stout fellow.

Let's play.

Now keep out of the game, will ya?

Ah, the Flouds!

Oh, Your Lordship. I'm glad to see ya.

Hiya, Earl.

Hello. Uh, Mrs. Floud, Miss Floud,

allow me to introduce my friend Lord Twombley.

How's that?

BOTH: Twombley.

Howdy, Lordship. Charmed.

Aggie.

Glad to meet you.

Charmed again.

Well, Earl, what do you know?

What do I know? Oh, ha ha.

Well, not very much. I just stopped by

to ask you if you couldn't drop in on me

at my country place for the weekend.

Be glad to. Good. Good.

I'd like you to meet my little family.

Delighted! Wouldn't we, Aggie?

Oh, yeah, we're charmed.

Yes. Well, then I'll send my carriage for you.

Be ready and waiting, Your Lordship.

(LAUGHING)

Good afternoon.

So long.

Toodle-oo.

Now we're getting somewhere.

Yeah. I want to get somewhere

and loosen these corsets.

But, George, you haven't got a country place,

nor a family.

No, but Reggie has. Reggie?

Yes, Reggie, and he's in Africa.

Oh. Oh.

And I know just where to dig up a suitable family.

What?

Tennis, anyone?

How can you think of tennis at a time like this?

George, what are we doing at this beastly play?

Told you I needed suitable family to impress the Americans.

Behold the mater!

Oh.

Ring for Humphrey, Cyril.

My nerves scream for tea.

Of course.

Did you ring, ma'am?

Why didn't you wait till I rang, you idiot?

Tea, ma'am?

(SCREAMS)

I slipped.

I am soaked again, you monster!

This piece will dry out like new, ma'am. It's pumpernickel.

Just needs pumping out.

Blundering American idiot.

Ought to go back to his native land.

If only we could solve the disappearance of Alicia's necklace.

Yes. Well, I'm still not satisfied

with Humphrey's explanation of his whereabouts

during the time of the crime.

Oh, but I've already explained, sir.

At the time of the crime, I was in the village

performing an errand for His Lordship, and...

And if His Lordship were here

instead of 200 miles away on a hunting trip,

he would verify my statement.

Indeed!

Your Lordship!

You heard his story, Sir Wimbley. What about it?

(MUMBLING RAPIDLY)

...scoundrel!

He's lying, I tell you. Lying!

It's no use, Humphrey.

But I swear to you.

I was in Barclay's limited

buying His Lordship a pair of suspenders.

I can prove it by the man

who took me up in the elevator.

Humphrey, I accuse you of the theft

of my lady's necklace.

Oh, but there must be some mistake.

Humphrey is an old and trusted family retainer,

been in the family for generations.

This man is not Humphrey...

(GASPS) But an imposter!

When he said suspenders for braces and elevator for lift,

I suspected he was an American!

Bravo, Cyril!

Accusations! Just accusations!

I defy you to produce one ounce of proof.

Ha! He asked for proof, Sir Wimbley.

(MUMBLING)...guilty!

And you expect a jury to believe that?

Then perhaps they'll believe this!

A check on your fingerprints has just come back.

From the laboratory?

Absolutely.

And they match those of that well-known murderer

Oliver Grimes!

All right! I am Oliver Grimes,

the well-known American murderer!

(WOMEN GASP) But you'll never

take me alive!

Foiled, Mr. Grimes!

For I am Inspector Kirk, Scotland Yard!

Curses!

Unfortunately, I've been something of a recluse.

Now I face the embarrassing problem

of impressing the young lady.

It... It's most difficult to explain.

What His Lordship means is he's met an American girl,

and he wants to try and impress her.

He's got a country place, only the toffs won't come.

Now, all you have to do is to be

upper-class ladies and gents over the weekend...

With a handsome fee, eh?

Oh, yes, of course, yes, yes,

and a good time for all.

It'll be a pleasure to help out His Lordship.

I think I can speak for all of us.

Sounds like jolly good fun. Let's go.

Except Humphrey, of course.

Yeah, we don't want him...

Why except Humphrey, of course?

Your Lordship, fellow thespians...

No curtain speeches, please.

Your Lordship, there are some members of the cast

who are jealous of my sterling portrayals.

I've played valets and gentlemen's gentlemen

from Chicago to Liverpool,

and a slight to me is a blow to all the great names of the theater.

(MUMBLING RAPIDLY)

What did he say?

He said, "Plenty to eat and drink,

"a good fee, and she's spoiling it all."

Oh, yes, yes, precisely.

Your Ladyship, I beseech that thou

wouldst grant me this opportunity.

In return, I promise thee the greatest performance

of my career, if thou wouldst,

or myself a watery grave in the Thames

if thou wouldn'tst. Wouldst?

Yes, come on. MAN: Don't be upstage.

WOMAN: Give him a chance.

(MUMBLING)

Oh, very well.

But keep him away from me.

Yes. At your service, milord.

Good. Fine. Well, then, I'll send carriages for you.

And I'm sure you'll all enjoy yourselves.

Thanks very much.

(ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY) Food, free!

Mmm!

Mmm!

What polish, what finesse.

* Gadzooks, I'm a butler

* Who's really a butler

* Aloof from my hoof to my blinkers

* I look just as bored as me master, the Lord

* As I'm servin' the blinkin' tea drinkers

* You've 'eard of 'umphrey

* I'm that bloke

* Favorite of the gentlefolk

* 'Ere's 'ow

(WHISTLES)

* Yes, milord

* I'm your gentleman and valet

* Blimey, hain't I bloomin' bally

* 'Ere, now

(WHISTLES)

* Yes, milord

* May I crump your crumpets in your tea

* 'Ave a banana

(BELL RINGS)

(CLANGS)

(BELLS PLAY WESTMINSTER CHIME)

Howdy.

Oh, good afternoon, ma'am.

Aggie.

Good afternoon.

Your wrap, ma'am?

Yeah, bought it in Chicago.

I'm the butler. May I?

Oh.

Thank you. Your cane?

I think I'll keep it. It might rain.

His Lordship waits in the garden. Follow me, ma'am.

What class.

Wish we had something like that at home.

Oh, Ma, somebody would shoot him

before we got him in the house.

Direct from America, presenting Mrs. Floud and Miss Floud.

Ah, so good to see you.

Hi, Earl.

And more than good to see you.

Come now, meet the family.

This is my mother Lady Brinstead.

Flattered to meet you, Lady Brinstead.

Charmed.

Do it, Aggie.

Charmed.

And my cousin, Rosalind, Duchess of Dover.

Charmed.

How do you do?

Aggie.

Howdy, Dutchship.

How do you do?

His Lordship, the 13th Earl of Brinstead, my father.

(MUMBLING)

(SMACKING)

You'd think there was gravy on it.

Yes, yes. Father, Father.

(MUMBLING)

Forgive Father's enthusiasm.

Told him all about you,

and that's his way of showing his approval.

Hear that, Aggie? What?

Earl told his father all about you.

Somebody ought to tell his mother all about his father.

Shh!

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

I hope they find it relaxing here at Brinstead Manor.

Eh, Mother? Yes, indeed, I do.

(CHUCKLING) Yes.

Milord. Hmm?

Please.

Cigarette?

Holder.

Light.

(BLOWS LOUDLY)

That's more service than our hired man

gives us in a month back in Big Squaw.

(CHUCKLES) Well, Humphrey anticipates my every wish.

How often do you have to wind him up?

Aggie. What?

Wind him up? Oh, wind him up!

(CHUCKLES) Very funny!

Jolly good.

Ha!

That'll be all. Thank you, Humphrey.

Thank you.

Well, Mother?

I must compliment George on his taste.

You know, most young American tourists are so, so uncouth.

Ain't it the truth?

Ain't it, Aggie? Huh?

Oh, yeah.

Let's get out of here.

Shh.

Tennis, anyone?

How can you think of tennis at a time like this?

Oh, sorry.

Thought it was my cue.

Uh... Cyril, you forget we have guests.

Mrs. Floud, Miss Floud.

My nephew, Lord Cyril.

How do you do?

Aggie. What?

How do you do?

You'll have to forgive Cyril.

Tennis has become an obsession with him.

Yes. How about tea, Mother?

Oh, of course, dear. I'll ring.

Did you ring, ma'am?

I was about to, Humphrey.

Why didn't you wait till I rang? Imbecile.

Ham.

You know, Earl. This is the first time I ever saw

a real English butler.

Ah.

I saw one in a play.

It was in Cheyenne. We threw tomatoes at him.

And now we brew some tea. Which shall it be?

What's the difference?

(MUMBLING)

Concoction during inclement weather...

(MUMBLING)

...screams with stimulation.

What did he say?

Oh, uh, he said...

(MIMICS MUMBLING)

Milady.

(LAUGHS) That's telling her, Humphrey!

Thank you.

Knife? Do you have a...

Oh, may I?

This part's the strainer.

Freshly sliced lemon?

Two points.

One lump or two?

I'd love two, but I've been eating

so high up on the hog lately,

I guess I better just take one.

In that case, may I suggest...

May I slosh it around a bit, ma'am?

Please do.

(HUMMING)

And so, teatime.

Would you, uh...

Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.

Spot of tea, milady?

(SCREAMS)

Soaked to the skin again!

There's your big splash, Ma.

I knowed you'd do a thing like that.

You got any sense at all?

Well, he told me to relax.

You stupid, blundering oaf!

I told you his performance...

Mater, Mater, please!

It's piping hot, ma'am.

How did you ever get to be such an idiot?

Just early to bed, early to rise.

That's the answer.

(MUMBLING RAPIDLY)

Oh, shut up!

Oh, no!

And you don't stand there. Get out and do something.

Yes, ma'am. I'll fetch some fresh tea.

Oh, dear, look at me. Look at me.

Oh, dear. Come along.

I'll help you to change right away.

(MUMBLING)

Psst! Humphrey!

I've been looking for you.

I want to chew the fat.

So soon after tea, ma'am?

Shh!

What do they pay you around here, Humphrey?

Sufficient, ma'am.

How about sufficient and then some?

Are you trying to lure me

from the service of His Lordship, ma'am?

Exactly!

Impossible.

I couldn't desert His Lordship.

It wouldn't be cricket, ma'am.

My family have always buttled for the Brinsteads.

My father, my father's father,

my father's father's father.

I could go farther.

All the more reason why you should work for me.

You're in a rut. Please, ma'am.

Pursue the matter no further.

Even now, the ancestors are beginning to scowl at me.

Who's that?

Great-grandfather Lord Ceedrick.

Made quite a name for himself in the army.

What's he reaching in his shirt for?

Holding up his trousers from the inside.

Funny way to pose.

Much funnier if he removed his hand, ma'am.

(CHUCKLES)

Listen, Humphrey, hanging around these pictures

ain't getting you nothing.

Here's my card.

Drop in my hotel, and we'll work out a deal.

Double your salary.

Don't tempt me, ma'am.

I can resist anything but temptation.

I got a whim of iron, Humphrey.

When I want any...

Wow!

Wow indeed, ma'am.

Great-great-grandmother. Splendid horsewoman.

Did she always ride around like that?

Heavens to Betsy, no, ma'am.

Lots of times she rode sidesaddle.

Back home in Big Squaw, she'd be arrested.

She was.

That's how she met great-great-grandfather.

He was the magistrate.

Well, I'll have to carry on, ma'am.

Now this hand rests just lightly on the cue.

Oh, lightly. Oh, yes, lightly.

Uh-uh.

Of course, this... This is a game taught all over England.

A most popular sport.

Playing it or teaching it?

You know, Agatha... What?

You're the most exciting person I've ever met.

If I only knew the right words,

if I only knew what to do...

May I be of service, milord?

Shortcut.

Sherry, milady?

Don't mind if I do.

Sherry, milord? No, nothing for me. Thank you, Humphrey.

Scotch and soda, milord?

No, nothing at all.

Scotch and water, milord?

No. Nothing. Thank you.

Soda and water, milord?

Nothing at all. Thank you.

Water and water? Scotch over ice, milord?

Nothing, Humphrey.

Scotch over scotch?

That will be all, Humphrey. Thank you.

Care to play musical glasses? They're fun.

I don't want anything to drink.

Shall I draw the blinds, milord?

Draw your bath? Draw your picture?

Look, Humphrey, draw whatever you like,

but somewhere else, huh, somewhere else.

Oh, shall I chalk the ma'am's cue, milord?

Why don't we just give up until he winds down?

Yes.

I'm terribly sorry.

Now, Agatha, as I was saying...

Announcing Sir Wimbley, Mrs. Floud.

(MUMBLING)

You should have been with me, Aggie.

Earl's been telling me all about something or other.

Oh, billiards!

May I serve the refreshments, ma'am?

Thank you.

(WHISTLING)

(COUGHS)

(WHISTLES)

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

You know, Aggie? What?

I bet that Humphrey'd make a gentleman out of your pa.

Take that home with us?

Ma, you got bats in your belfry?

I don't care. I'm going to get that Humphrey somehow.

Oh, Ma.

If Lady Maude would only fire him.

Pa would feed him to the pigs.

Shoot your pool. Oh.

Punch, ma'am?

I don't want any.

Well-spiked, ma'am.

A little punch, ma'am?

Make you feel fit as a tiddly and ready to wink.

Punch, milady?

Thank you.

Ooh! (SCREAMS)

Oh! You! You get out!

You're discharged, you're fired, you're through!

And don't you ever come back,

not tonight, tomorrow night, or ever!

Now, get out!

It was an accident, milord.

Get out!

(MUMBLING)

I know, get out. I know.

(CONTINUES MUMBLING)

...scoundrel!

"Big Squaw."

Hiya, Mike. Hiya.

Howdy, Mr. Floud.

Hiya.

Hey, Pa.

Now, look here, Cart.

You stop calling me Pa.

What do you hear from Aggie?

She's on her way home.

Hey, what's this here "gentleman's gentleman"?

Same as a man's man. Gentleman's gentleman.

He's such a gentleman even the gentlemen think he's a gentleman.

Well, he'd better not interfere in my plans.

Aggie and me's getting married

just as quick as she gets back. That's settled.

Well, maybe it ain't so settled with Aggie.

Ma wrote that some Earl was making goo-goo eyes at her.

And if that's him, you're in trouble.

You mean, he's in trouble,

because I'm going to be meeting that train.

Listen, you won't be needing that clean shirt

'cause the Earl ain't never going to see it, Pa.

Don't call me Pa!

Ma, look! Cart Belknap!

Oh, oh, oh, oh! It's rocky up...

Hi, Cart. Cheerio!

Get away from my girl.

Look, Cart... Oh, she just...

Quiet, junior.

Cart, you let him alone!

Wait! We're going through a tunnel.

Nobody's marrying Aggie but me.

Please, no dancing in here. Please!

Cart!

Please! We've never been introduced.

Oh, Cart!

Only a coward hits a coward.

(GUNSHOT)

Cart!

Go get him, Aggie.

Oh, Ma, let him go.

Go get him!

You don't have to worry, Ma.

He jumped. I hope he jumps

all the way back to England.

Well, you're gonna go get him.

I got him this far in first-class condition.

I ain't going to lose him now.

I won't do it.

If I bring him back alive,

you're going to have him riding herd on me.

Oh! Git!

Water.

Water.

Water. Water.

I'm going mad.

Water. Water.

Oh!

Mirage.

The heat.

I'm going mad.

Water.

Water.

Seltzer. Water.

Anything.

Must be drunk.

(COUGHING)

(COUGHING)

Buzzards. Bu...

Indians! Indians!

(WAR WHOOPS)

Hey, Fancy Pants!

Ah! Oh! Oh!

What's the matter with you? You gone loco?

No time to explain. Here, hide behind there.

I'll bluff them. I'll defy them.

(BOYS WHOOPING)

I'll run!

We'll die together.

What? What are you raving about, you knucklehead?

Indians. Midget Indians.

Howdy, Aggie. Need any help?

No.

What's the matter with him?

I think he snapped his twig.

It's a good thing they were friends of yours,

or I'd have wiped out the whole tribe.

Yeah, like you wiped out Cart Belknap.

Midget Indians!

Belknap? Is that the blighter

that tried to shoot my toes off? Yeah.

What's he got against me?

He wants to marry me.

I guess he got the silly idea that you and me were spooning.

(CHUCKLES) Can you imagine anything so ridiculous?

Preposterous.

You're not even my type, ma'am.

Just the same, he'd kill any man

that got within hugging range of me.

In that case, I shall look forward

to a long and happy life, milady.

Come on, Fancy Pants.

Coming, ma'am.

Come on, help me up.

Yes, milady.

No, not like that.

Cup your hands like this.

Yes, milady.

Now, that wasn't a very nice thing to do.

I should have given your muscles more warning.

Yes, milady.

You're supposed to boost me up. Boost!

Boost. Boost.

Ah, there you are.

Shall we take a canter, ma'am?

Ma'am? Ma'am?

Oh, now, what are you doing down there?

I'm having tea with a ground hog.

What do you think?

I'm sorry, ma'am.

I was just... Shall we, then?

Not that again. Get down on your hands and knees.

Yes, ma'am.

We'll do it the blunt way.

Are you aboard, ma'am?

Yes. Now give me your arm.

Not that one, the other one.

Now, jump up.

Up. Coming up, ma'am.

Here we go, ma'am.

(WHINNIES)

Wouldn't it be much simpler to call a cab, ma'am?

I've got a better idea.

Come on. Yes, ma'am.

When I was in the service of the Earl of Brinstead,

I never had to help His Lordship mount a horse.

One pulled on his boots in the morning

and pulled them off at night.

There were no animals involved.

Aw, shut up. Get up on the rock.

Yes'm.

Face the horse.

The horse.

Take off your hat.

Boing!

MR. FLOUD: Effie.

Effie.

Effie!

Effie!

Yeah? What you hollering for?

Effie, what in the danged blazes

happened to all my clothes?

I burned them, every varmint-ridden stitch.

Burned them?

Yeah. Humphrey's bought you

a whole new bunch of store clothes.

I don't want no store clothes.

Humphrey? Who's Humphrey?

The butler. Butler?

Yeah. The one we brought back with us.

I thought you said Aggie was out looking

for the gentleman's gentleman.

That's Humphrey the butler.

Gosh, I thought that...

You thought what?

Oh, I just thought...

I doubt it. And another thing,

get that rickety old rocking chair

and that spittoon out of here before Humphrey arrives.

Now, get at it.

(WHISTLING)

Aggie.

Aggie!

Oh, Pa!

Hi, Pa! Oh, Aggie!

You're a sight for sore eyes, baby.

Oh, Pa, I never seen nothing in Europe

that looks as good as you and home.

Hey, how come you're so Sundayed up on Tuesday?

Ma's taken to finery like a hog takes to slop.

Hmm. Oh.

Is he dead?

No. Sort of fainted when I tapped him with a little rock.

Well, then, now's the time to tap him with a big rock.

You could say he fell off the horse.

No. Ma would hold me responsible.

I'm in a pack of trouble, Aggie. How come?

Well, I didn't know he was just a butler.

I told everybody in town that he was an earl.

Now, they're fixing to welcome him proper.

When Ma finds out, what will I do?

You won't have to do, you're gonna be did to.

On account of him. Oh, please, Aggie.

Just one tap with a rock.

Jiggers! Here comes Ma.

I got him, Ma.

Oh, fine. I can just imagine...

Aggie, if he's broken, so help me...

Oh, take it easy, Ma. He's all right.

He's very alive for him.

Get him down from there.

There must be another way to see America.

What's the matter, Humphrey, can't you straighten up?

Something seems to be out of order, ma'am.

We ought to put him out of his misery.

If we do, we'll have to bury him in a bass drum.

Get him in the house.

I'm so glad you're all right, Humphrey.

With a few days' rest, I'll be miserable again.

I want you to meet the help.

This is Wampum, our hired hand,

and this is Wong, the cook.

Boys, meet Humphrey.

How-dee-do?

How. Dee-do.

That over there is Mr. Floud.

Hi. Hi, sir.

Now, let's get one thing straight, Humphrey.

I take care of myself.

Oh, that's quite obvious, sir.

Now, you lookee...

Just a minute. I give the orders around here.

And Humphrey, you can begin right now

lecturing Mr. Floud on the proper way to act.

Oh, well, really, Mrs. Floud, I...

Humphrey.

Well, if I may suggest, sir,

there are ladies present. Ladies?

He means me and Ma.

Oh, sassafras.

Now get upstairs.

I ain't a-going till I get me some duds.

You ain't?

Shall I lay out some fresh things for Mr. Floud, ma'am?

First we're gonna fill a tub full of hot water

and lay out Mr. Floud.

What? Bath, ma'am?

Yes.

Now, lookee here, Effie.

Git!

You, too.

Oh, but...

Humphrey.

Yes, ma'am.

May I, sir?

Yes, yes.

Ah, delicious! Would you...

I trust you're going to shave, sir?

You can trust one thing, Humphrey.

Nobody's given me no bath since I was a baby.

Effie may fry my hide,

but right now, any whippersnapper

that tries to give me a bath,

I'm going to cut him too short to hang up.

That one turned gray in your hand.

Now, you get out,

and keep your mouth shut.

What's the matter, Humphrey?

He desires to soak a bit, ma'am.

Oh. Well, while you're waiting,

you can fix Aggie's hair.

Bring it in, ma'am, I'll give it a go.

No, Humphrey. Come to her room.

I want you to do her up like a... Like a duchess.

I haven't done up a duchess

for some time, ma'am, but I'll try.

Get at it.

May I?

What the Sam Hill do you think you're doing?

Humphrey's going to fix your hair, dear.

I just fixed my hair.

He's gonna make you look like a duchess.

I don't want to look like a duchess!

Aggie!

Well, what does he know about fixing a girl's hair?

What do I know? Why, for 10 years

I was in the employ of Gomez of Paris

as an expert on the coiffure.

I don't believe it.

You will, after I coif your fure.

Now steady, steady.

Oh, I'll never forget Lady Cunningham's hair.

She had me comb it in a huge bun on the top of her head.

It was very striking.

How uninteresting.

Yes. Everywhere she went, people would say,

"There goes Lady Cunningham.

"She's the one with the bun on."

(LAUGHS)

They were quaint folk.

Ah, now.

I must do something inspirational, something with a point.

An outstanding creation, a monument to me.

Oh, I must have some equipment.

Is there a rat or two around here?

Why don't you look in the mirror?

Touche. I must do something tall,

something statuesque.

Ah!

No, not tall enough.

(CANARY CHIRPS)

No!

Why...

Eureka!

Eureka! Yes.

Oh...

Ah! Magnifique!

My masterpiece!

I hope it's not molting season.

Ah-ah-ah, milady.

Don't look till I leave, milady.

I can't stand flattery.

Ah!

(CHIRPING) (SCREAMS)

Oh, you!

You!

(GLASS SHATTERING)

Oh, you are tubbing, sir.

Oh, take your underwear off.

The water's not that cold.

Wait till I get my hands on you!

I'll break your neck!

Oh! There you are. Cheers!

We wanted you to see the final result.

Humphrey, you've outdone yourself.

I thought so.

It's stunning.

Yeah. It sure stunned me.

Perhaps I did tee the bird a little high,

but I'll brush it up later.

I'll think of something,

maybe elaborate a little bit,

but right now I have to get the curl out of my fingers.

Good evening, Your Grace.

How do you do, Your Excellency?

Greetings, Your Earlship.

Ladies, all together.

ALL: Welcome to Big Squaw, Your Grace.

Your Grace...

I'm Jones, publisher of the Daily Chronicle.

Welcome to Big Squaw, fastest growing little town west of Wagon Wheel.

How do you do? I'm Andrews,

the town undertaker.

Originally came west to dig for gold.

Yeah. Well, no sense wasting a shovel.

Your Grace, Your Grace, I want you to meet my daughter.

She's a little bit shy.

Shy of what?

So good to see you all, my dears.

Oh, Effie, you're so lucky.

Congratulations.

And your guest! Effie, what a prize!

You mean Humphrey?

She called him Humphrey,

his first name right to his face!

Well, I knew Humphrey'd cause quite a splash,

but I had no idea it'd be anything like this.

Every woman in Big Squaw would give anything

to be in your shoes, Effie.

Thank you, dear.

Effie, this is the biggest story my paper ever had.

You put Big Squaw on the map.

What?

Oh, don't tell me you haven't seen it?

"Mrs. Mike Floud announces the Earl of Brin...

"Earl of..."

Well, this certainly makes you queen of Big Squaw society.

Me, Queen?

Oh, it's silly, isn't it?

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

What His Lordship means

is that it's silly to make all this fuss

over just a little old visit.

Isn't it, Your Lordship?

Oh, but...

Your collar.

(WHISPERING) Double your salary, double everything.

Well, as Humphrey, Earl of Brinstead,

and on behalf of my hostess,

allow me to welcome you to Floud Manor.

GUESTS: Thank you.

Oh, Your Lordship,

it's two minutes past your teatime.

How can you endure it?

Sheer grit.

(ALL GIGGLING)

Shall we tea off, then?

Your daughter looks just like the Duchess Murdock.

The duchess?

Oh, many an afternoon, we had tea, the duchess and I,

while her husband the duke was busily engaged

in his favorite sport.

Was that cricket?

Perhaps not, but she was so irresistible.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Oh, this is a fun group, isn't it?

Sit here, Your Lordship.

Pa, everybody in town's down there.

And they think that... Yeah. I heard everything.

He was bad enough as a butler.

But there'll be no living in this house,

now that everybody thinks he's an earl.

We got... (BIRD TWEETS)

What are you doing with that bird up there?

That's what that fancy-pants skunk did to me.

(CHIRPS) Ah, shut up.

Aggie... What?

That Humphrey's got to go.

And I know just what to do about it. You do?

And Ma can't blame us for a thing.

Good. What?

Cart Belknap already thinks there's something between Humphrey and me.

Yeah.

Suppose I let him keep thinking it?

Cart would cut out his liver,

and bile his gizzard in his own sauce.

One order of biled gizzard coming up.

(BOTH LAUGH TRIUMPHANTLY)

Ah, yes, I'm enjoying

my jaunt to America most frightfully.

How do American women compare to your English women?

Oh, I think your American women are much prettier.

How about your horses?

Oh, I think your American women

are even prettier than our horses.

AGATHA: Sorry we're late.

Hi, everybody.

GUESTS: Hi, Aggie. Hello.

Hello, Ag.

Aggie? What?

Haven't I asked you never to enter a room

without making curtsy to Humphrey, the Earl?

Yeah, Ma, I know.

Dear, dear Earl, what would Lady Maude say?

No carnation in your buttonhole.

Oh, I can't wear them, you know. Turns my medals green.

Share that.

Earl, please tell us about your medals.

Yes, go ahead and tell them.

I've seen him in action, folks.

He's cool as a tub of old bath water.

Yeah. Some of the things he's done

make my hair stand on end.

How about telling some of your experiences for my newspaper?

Oh, no, no, please.

His Lordship's very tired.

He's had such a busy day.

Oh, not at all, not at all.

Now, let me see...

Which medal shall I explain first?

Thank you.

Well, I think it was my first year of service out East.

It was my first year of service.

I was a mere lieutenant at the time.

Well, those native chaps were becoming very nasty.

They'd been stirring up a bit of unrest for weeks.

Meant to wipe us out, you know,

but they were only waiting

for the end of the monsoon.

Monsoon, that's French for mister.

Exactly.

Those infernal drums started beating.

Boom b-b-boom, boom b-boom.

"The time to worry," he said,

"is when those infernal drums cease."

Those infernal drums ceased. I worried.

But he was still the bravest man out East.

Colonel Jothergill drew me aside.

"It's three against 1,000," he muttered.

We had to have reinforcements.

No man could get through.

The Earl was just a boy at the time.

Colonel Jothergill,

old spit and polish we called him lovingly,

because he was always spitting, and he was Polish.

Well, sir... Old Colonel Jothergill outlined his plan to me.

I volunteered to go ahead for aid.

Needless to say, it was a dangerous mission.

Behind us was a river, dark and infested with crocodiles.

To the right, a jungle full of hissing pythons.

And the Earl hissed right back at them, didn't you, Earl?

(HISSING) Yes.

To the left, a wall of high cliffs,

and ahead, the enemy.

Three against 1,000.

How horrible!

Exciting, though.

Now, the dawn was coming up in the east.

Our spirits were going down in the west.

Three against 1,000.

What chance did we have?

And as the sun rose, they attacked.

It would soon be over, we knew.

We shook hands all around,

doled out our last rations of food...

Our last drops of water.

Our ammunition practically exhausted.

Then Colonel Jothergill told us the worst of it.

"Stiff upper lip," he muttered.

"You'll have to face it, chaps."

There was no more tea.

Oh.

They'd pay dearly for this.

We'd sell our lives at a fearful price.

How to stop them? How to get out of it?

How? How!

How.

There was no more time.

We could hear their frightful howls.

There they were, storming the fort,

hacking at us, screaming, spearing, slashing,

breaking the British square...

Three against 1,000.

Three, mind you.

Oh!

You're wonderful.

(COUGHS) There I was, with a spear right through my body.

Didn't it hurt?

Only when I laughed. I drew the spear and started to hack away.

Colonel Jothergill, who was hacking away to the right of me,

was hacked down. Ha!

Now, I really got angry. I drew my cutlass,

started to hew my way through them,

slashing, slashing heads, arms, legs, bodies!

Oh!

There I was, drenched with blood.

Blood...

Drenched with blood, mind you.

Blood.

(GUESTS GASPING)

Well, Mr. Belknap.

Poor chap...

Couldn't stand a gory story.

Well, excuse me.

I always take a nap before going to bed.

But, Your Lordship! Hmm?

What happened? How did it end?

Oh, the encounter.

Well, we finally put them to route,

but we all agreed they were three of the toughest rascals

we'd ever fought.

Well, good night.

Good night, then.

What a performance.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Enter then.

Humphrey, get out of that bed

and make tracks for the yellow dog saloon.

Them two varmints, Pa and Aggie's

headed over there in buckskins. It's a revolt.

(IN BRITISH ACCENT) Ah, but, Effie...

One does not disturb an earl this early,

and the Earl's feeling very earlish this morning.

Humphrey, in the Morning Chronicle you may be an earl,

and in front of my friends you may be an earl,

but every payday, you're Humphrey the butler.

And your job is Pa and Aggie!

Oh, but, Mrs. Floud, I...

Humphrey.

Yes, ma'am?

Yes, ma'am.

Now, where's my hat?

* Wore a high silk hat and a long tail coat

* I looked just like O'Leary's goat

* Singin' yi-yi yippi yippi yay yippi yay

* Singin' yi-yi yippi yippi yay

* It's bacon and beans almost every day

* I'd a-soon be a-eatin' some prairie hay

* Singin' yi-yi yippi yippi yay yippi yay

* Singin' yi-yi yippi yippi yay

* My foot in the stirrup, rope by my side

* Show me a horse that I can't ride

* Singin' yi-yi yippi yippi yay yippi yay

* Singin' yi-yi yippi yippi yay *

Yipe! Pa, look who's here.

Eh? Oh.

Ahem. Boys, meet our boarder,

the Earl of Beerstein.

ALL: Hi, Earl. Hi, Earl.

I'm begging your pardon, sir, the Earl of Brinstead.

What's the difference? Come on, boys, let's have a beer.

Uh-uh-uh.

The mater's requested that you both return to the Manor.

What's wrong with our manners here?

Why, I shall personally escort you both home, ma'am.

Oh, relax, Earl.

Come on, let's talk it over.

We got to wet our whistles first.

Let's have a beer.

I'd like to stay, but we really should be going.

You know the madam.

Oh, I sure do, Humphrey, I sure do.

The question is will she be madder at me and Aggie

'cause we lit out this morning if we come home sober,

or will she get so mad if we come home with beer on our breath

that she'll forget how we lit out?

Let's have a few beers...

It might be too late. Oh, never mind.

Come on, Sam, hurry up with that beer.

By Jove, they're alive.

Jolly.

(ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Whoa!

I'm sorry.

Thank you.

(COUGHS)

Here you are, Earl.

Oh, thank you.

Sorry.

(PIANO PLAYING)

(WHISPERS) Get Cart.

* Hey

(WHISTLES)

* Fancy Pants

* You're a pussyfootin' critter

* When ya see a gal, ya skitter

* Hey, you

(WHISTLES)

* Fancy Pants

* Oh, ya dropped your pretty hankie

* Mama's gonna spankie

* Hey

* Fauntleroy

* Women who crave men wanna love cave men

* Say, angel boy

* Show some grit

* That's what ya gotta get

* Hey

(WHISTLES)

* Fancy Pants

* You're a highfalutin geezer

* Afraid to take a gal and squeeze her

* Hey, you

(WHISTLES)

* Fancy Pants

* Run to Mama for protection

* How's your stamp collection?

* Hey

* Pantywaist

* Look-it at us and stompin' and cussin'

* What ya scared about?

* Take a chance

* If you're rootin' and tootin'

* Folks'll quit a-hootin'

* There goes Fancy Pants

(ALL CHEERING)

Fancy Pants.

Chaser.

(ALL SHOUTING)

HUMPHREY: Mind you, my throat was only slightly cut

from ear to ear,

but I had to hold my head with one hand

because the tissue was broken.

I felt if I could only get back to the base,

I could recover in a fortnight.

Five days, you know.

Then it happened. What?

In all Africa, I've never come across a more ferocious beast.

There it stood in the pitch-black night.

Its immense size completely dwarfing the elephant I was riding.

How could you tell how big it was in the dark?

Oh, the dark night made his white coat stand out.

You see, when you...

Hello, Mr. Belknap.

Well, it's crumpet time. I must be jogging along.

No, Earl.

I'd like to hear the rest of the story.

Oh, you'd better be careful, old chap.

This is pretty gruesome, and you know what happened to you last night.

Maybe this time I can take it.

Well, if you want to risk it. Now, where was I?

You were looking at that great big animal in the dark.

I was? Oh, I was. Yes, yes, yes.

Well, its white coat stood out.

Largest polar bear I've ever seen. Must've been...

Polar bears don't belong in Africa.

That's what I kept telling him.

He kept coming towards me.

I kept retreating step by step.

What happened to that big elephant you were riding?

I sent him for help... I think. Yes.

Well, there he was.

I stood there all alone, unarmed, except for a spear

that an unfriendly native had left lodged in my chest.

But it only hurt you when you laughed.

Yes. (COUGHS)

I withdrew the spear,

staggered back, weak from the loss of blood.

I was all blood, dripping with blood,

even the bear was bloody.

Ooh. Aren't you feeling a little faint?

No? Did I tell you the ground was covered with blood?

I said that. It's crumpet time. I'd better be jogging...

You know what I would've done to that big old bear?

Well... I'd have twisted his neck like this.

Huh?

Then I'd have got him by the ears

and I would've just yanked them off.

I wish you'd been there. It'd have been...

Then I'd have got me a couple of handfulls of fur like this

and just pulled them off.

Maybe we better stop Cart.

Oh, he's just getting warmed up.

I wish Humphrey'd make a move so Cart could let go.

Can't expect Humphrey to face up to Cart.

Then you know what I would've done?

Don't tell me. Let me guess.

All right. Go ahead and guess.

Guess you'd have taken your trusty rifle

and you'd just let him have it like that.

Cheerio.

Pretty good, eh, Effie?

Oh, Mr. Mayor, it's so big,

it scares the daylights out of me.

President Teddy Roosevelt.

He's making a swing through the western territory,

wouldn't have touched Big Squaw with a big stick.

But when I wired him about the Earl,

he wired right back, "He'd be dee-lighted."

Land o' Goshen.

(CHUCKLES) Of course, he can stay right here

in the house with you, can't he, Effie?

Here? In my house? Mmm-hmm.

I'd be tickled stiff.

Maybe if we treat him real nice,

he'll recommend that Congress change this territory into a state.

Land sakes.

And, Effie, you'd be queen of the state.

Oh, Mayor.

Well, I got to start organizing my committee. Good-bye, Effie.

Congratulations, Aggie. Congratulations, Mike.

Aggie, President Roosevelt's coming here to see Humphrey.

Isn't that wonderful? Oh, Mike!

What?

I'd have swore she said the President

was coming to see Humphrey.

That's what I did say. Isn't it wonderful?

Ma, have you been in the applejack?

No, Mike. It's true. It's true.

Well, what's he want to see Humphrey for?

Because he thinks Humphrey's the Earl.

Where is Humphrey?

Humphrey?

Uh, Teddy Roosevelt, eh? Well, I'll be hogtied.

Where is Humphrey?

Go ahead. You tell her.

Well, the last time we saw him,

he was sort of heading out of town.

Out of town?

Yeah. (STAMMERING)

All of a sudden he got lonesome for London.

You two!

I might have known you'd do something like that.

Ma, we done nothing.

You get on your horse and go get him.

And don't you come back here without him.

We might get in trouble for this, Ma.

Get in worse trouble if we didn't have him. Now git.

And, you. Get out of them clothes.

Wait a minute. Take it easy.

Humphrey!

Wait!

Hey, Fancy Pants!

What is this, branding time?

Leave me alone. I wanna get out of this country.

Well, I don't blame you. Me and Pa were awful ugly,

and Cart Belknap isn't exactly a chamber-of-commerce welcome.

Go away. I was doing all right

in this pump and grunt until you came along.

I didn't want to come. Ma sent me. I knew you'd say no.

Well, you knew right.

You know, it took a lot of nerve

squirting water in Cart's face.

That's why I figured you might have nerve enough

to meet President Roosevelt.

Well, I've got the nerve to face anybody.

You don't think that I'm...

Who?

See, everybody in Big Squaw thinks you're a real earl.

And Teddy Roosevelt's coming to town just to meet you.

Well, so President Roosevelt's coming to meet the Earl of Brinstead,

and no Earl.

Well, you're going to look pretty silly.

And your Ma and Pa's going to look silly.

And this whole silly little town's going to look silly.

You'll have to change the name to Big Silly.

Well, at that, it might be worse if you stayed.

You might be able to make a lot of country folks

think you're an earl, but I reckon

President Roosevelt's met some real earls.

Say, presidents can be fooled.

They vote for themselves, don't they?

Besides, I made you think I was a butler.

That's easy. You are.

Look, Aggie Floud, I've been waiting a long time

to take some bows for my performance.

I'm no earl. I'm no butler.

I'm not even Humphrey.

My name's Arthur Tyler, and I'm an actor.

An actor! Gosh!

If you'll get off my handcar, I'll be leaving.

But why did you pretend to be a butler?

Because I was stranded in London, flat broke.

So flat, they threw me out of the hotel

without opening the door.

I could make President Roosevelt

think I was the Earl of Brinstead, but I won't.

Gee, if you're an actor, we've got a chance.

And if you're a good actor,

this could be the biggest job you ever had.

Imagine playing an English Earl for President Roosevelt

with me, Ma, and Pa to applaud.

Yeah, and I'd be the star.

That's a step up.

And an audience of three. That's a step up.

Sure, you put Big Squaw on the map.

You can't just wipe it off now.

There's a lot of innocent people down in town depending on you.

Innocent. How about Cart Belknap?

Would you tell him we don't mean anything to each other

so he'll stop trying to put my head in his trophy room?

Sure. I'll tell him we don't mean anything to each other.

You'll be perfectly safe.

Then after the President leaves, you can go away again.

Gee, President Roosevelt.

A command performance.

I accept this role, but for a one-night stand only.

Then I must go on tour,

any place, just so it's away.

Everybody's gonna be real grateful to you for this.

And I mean, everybody, Arthur.

Hang on.

Yes, President Roosevelt,

I'm the Earl of Brinstead. Hmph!

Oh, wait till my agent hears about this.

Here we go.

* Oh, woe is me

* What goes with me

* I hate this livin' I've chose for me

* Tired of meetin' misery

* Should've never roamed

* And left that home cookin'

* Home cookin'

* Life is cruel

* I was a fool to roam

* A rollin' stone

* Don't get no moss

* It don't get nothin' but double-cross

* See the world, that's applesauce

* Never get your nose too far

* From home cookin'

* Home cookin'

* I'm afraid I should've stayed at home

* I meet a gal

* Her name is Sal

* I want to keep her in my corral

* But she says she's just a pal

* And she's never home

* When you want home cookin'

* Ooh-long

BOTH: * Home cookin' * Been too long

* Life is cruel, I was a fool to roam

* Too long from Hong Kong

* Far from Wigwam

* Me heap big brave

* I miss my squaw

* I even miss my squaws-in-law

* Hunt with Minnehaha's Pa

* Feed Papoose a half a moose

* How ALL: * Home cookin'

* Gimme that * Home cookin'

* Sit on rug and ugh, ugh, ugh

* With tribe

* Give me Hong Kong Hankow

* Where I'm chop chop number one boy

* Shanghai, Foo Chow

* Marry pretty girl Ming Toy

* For home cookin'

* Home cookin'

* Reckon Chinie fellow Like home chow

* I went abroad, and how I hawed

* Them English critters ain't never thawed

* When a duke says, Yes, milord

* Partner, you can hear me yell

* For home cookin'

* Home cookin'

* Some fancy pants

* Might stand a chance with me

* Blowin' peace pipe smoke rings

* Rice cake, kumquat, plenty to spare

* Real fine wing-dings

* Rockin' in a rockin' chair

* That's home cookin'

* Sniff it then

* Home cookin'

* The quiet life is quite the life for me

* Yes, gimme that home cookin'

* Scoop it up

* Home cookin'

* That's the life for me

Jiggers, here comes Ma.

Here comes Ma.

What happened?

Shh.

EFFIE: I'm home! All right.

* The President's coming to our house *

Dear boy.

I do hope everybody's got this straight.

The Mayor and the welcoming committee

will bring the President direct here from the depot.

And out on the porch, the Silver Cornet Band

will be playing something loud.

And Humphrey, you'll be waiting upstairs

with your monocle and your full-dress suit

until that fellow out on the porch with the bugle plays...

* Ta-da * Ta-da

And then you start downstairs.

Everybody cheers till you get downstairs,

and Pa introduces you to Mr. Roosevelt.

Mmm-hmm.

And, you, Aggie. What?

If you forget to curtsy, I'll bust your curtsier.

All right, Ma.

This here party's coming off right

or them responsible is gonna suffer.

Yes, Ma.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

I'll get it, ma'am.

I'll get it. I'll get it.

Quit calling me ma'am.

You're the Earl of Brinstead.

Probably just Carrie with the potato salad.

Humphrey, I just want to tell you

it was mighty nice of you to come back and be earl for Ma

after the way we treated you.

That's quite all right, old chap.

You can call me Pa if you like.

Oh, thanks, Pa.

Oh, what a season.

I hope Carrie hasn't overloaded

her potato salad with onions again.

All right, bring it in.

How do you do? Mrs. Floud?

Ah!

(THUDS)

Fainted. Put her in that chair.

That's the trouble with these surprise visits, Mr. President.

That's right.

She'll be all right.

Oh, here now, here now.

What's amiss, you chaps?

What are you doing to Mrs. Floud?

She's fainted.

Oh, don't stand there. Get some water.

Certainly. I'll tell Mr. Floud.

There's been so much excitement here today.

President Roosevelt's coming,

and everybody's way up there.

Oh, give her a spot of that brandy.

It's not very good, but it'll help, I think.

I...

Aggie, Pa, Pa, Aggie.

(WHISTLES)

Shh. Shh. What?

It's the President.

(WHISTLES)

Welcome to Big Squaw, Mr. President.

I'm Mike Floud.

This here's my daughter Aggie.

How do you do?

And this here is the Earl of Brinstead.

Oh, quite.

And this is our hostess Mrs. Effie Floud.

Wake up, Ma.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Floud,

I dropped in so unexpectedly,

but we drove over from Broken Arrow.

Yes, I should have stayed on the official train.

But I've listened to so many welcoming speeches on this trip,

I was hoping to avoid the one at your depot.

I hope you'll excuse our appearance, Mr. President.

We were all out in the kitchen just fixing things up for you.

Yes. Even the Earl.

He's good at cleaning and polishing.

Oh, it's a matter of your democracy.

You know, when in Rome

and all that sort of there.

Aggie, take the President into the parlor

till we get things fixed up in the kitchen.

Please let's not be formal, Mrs. Floud.

Personally, I'd like to go out in the kitchen with you. Could I?

You mean it?

I make a steak sauce that's very popular in Washington.

You do?

Extraordinary. Learned it in Paris.

Paris cooking.

Well, you're our man.

Gee, he's the nicest President I ever met.

Back to the kitchen, everybody.

Dee-lighted. Bully for you.

And to think I almost voted for Bryan.

I say, this is a ginger group. Isn't it?

There we are.

Sure looks good, don't it? Give me some.

I'm agog with anticipation.

Mmm. Mmm. Wonderful.

As you would say, Mr. President, dee-licious.

Thank you. Thank you.

I think it still needs a little more cooking sherry.

Pa.

Gee whiz, Ma.

I ain't had a drink since I was up in them hills and got bit by a rattler.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah, and Pa's getting too old to climb them hills.

Agatha.

Perhaps another dash of sherry wouldn't hurt.

Oh, nonsense.

And you keep your nose out of the President's recipe.

I was just saying my opinion.

Nobody's interested in your opinion.

Well, that's just your opinion.

There was plenty of sherry in your cooking before we got married.

Well, Mike Floud, are you insinuating...

Ma, if you'd used stronger sherry,

I bet I'd be two years older.

Oh, keep out of this. And, you, Mike Floud...

Oh, don't start that argument... (BOTH ARGUING)

Mrs. Floud, Mr. Floud.

After all, the President is on his vacation.

Do you want him to think he's back with Congress?

Sorry, Mr. President.

Oh, I've heard discussions like this in my own kitchen.

And I must say, my wife has convinced me

that I have just as much right

to her opinion as she has.

(ALL LAUGHING)

You mean, the First Lady has the last word.

Well put, Brinstead.

And now, we melt a little butter.

Butter's right over here.

Isn't he wonderful?

Yeah. This whole Earl business

makes me feel like a lowdown...

Oh, Brinstead.

Coming, sir.

Tell me, Brinstead, what is the attitude in England

regarding the Mediterranean situation?

Oh, yes. Well, frankly,

there are two schools of thought, pro and con.

Of course. But just how do they feel about it? Pro and con?

Well, the pro people seem to be for it,

and the con group are definitely against it.

Naturally.

But you personally, Brinstead,

just what stand do you take?

Oh, me? Yes. Well, I'm pro.

Why, Brinstead,

how can you endorse a situation

that can only lead to trouble?

Well, what I mean is, I'm pro-con.

I'm for those who are against it.

The train came in, and he wasn't even on it.

Me, a registered democrat,

waiting at the station for a whole hour.

I had my speech all written out in longhand, too,

and he never even show, show...

Jumping Jehoshaphat, it's him!

AGATHA: Hey, where are you going?

The committee's waiting on the front porch.

Oh! Here we go.

Well, Brinstead, I guess we're in for it.

But at least we made a good try.

Well, it was ripping while it lasted, Mr. President.

Shall we then?

Hey, Ma, where's my collar and tie?

Right there in the chafing dish. Hurry up!

(ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Ahem. Mr. President, as Mayor of Big Squaw,

permit me to welcome you to our fair city.

Oh, bravo! Bravo!

Excellent oration, brief but meaty.

Thank you, Mr. Mayor. Thank you all.

But, Mr. President, there's a lot more.

That's all right. You can mail it in later.

Yes, everybody get a plate and pitch right in to the food.

Just move right around. It's free.

You know, Aggie gets the credit for this venison, Mr. President.

She shot it from over 200 yards away.

Bully for you. That's good shooting.

Thank you. How do you do?

If I had the time, I'd like to do some hunting in your western hills.

Oh, too bad, we have plenty of deer around here,

and bear, too.

Very tempting, but my schedule

calls for me to leave tonight.

What we ought to have is a fox hunt.

Oh, yes. They're fun, sure.

I brought back some of the most wonderful

hunting outfits from London.

Fox hunt, what a wonderful idea.

I could have arranged a wonderful fox hunt

that would have even been a pleasure for the fox.

Over hill and dale,

ho, yoiks and away, tallyho, and all that sort of rot.

It's a shame you have to be going, Mr. President.

I don't think I could rearrange my train schedule.

Of course you can't.

Too bad. Big Squaw would've talked about it for years.

Yeah, a fox hunt.

Bad show, disappointing the hounds.

By Gad, we won't disappoint them, Brinstead.

We'll have a fox hunt.

Bennett, we're staying over till tomorrow.

See about the trains.

GUESTS: Hooray! Hooray!

Hooray.

And Brinstead can lead the hunt.

Hooray! Hooray!

I might even start tonight.

ALL: Tallyho! Tallyho!

Tallyho! Tallyho!

Tallyho. Tallyho.

Come on, boy. Come on, boy. Git it.

(CLICKING TONGUE)

Faster, boy.

Come on, old paint. We can catch that fox.

Giddy up, boy. Giddy up.

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa!

Okay, hold it, boy. Whoa! Whoa.

Not bad.

Not bad barrel-riding.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa!

Now we'll try the horse.

A real live horse? An animal?

Yeah, here's old Bessie.

Oh, be careful.

Here's old Bessie.

Get on. Get the feel of her.

Gentle as a kitten.

Look at those teeth. Over 15 years old.

I wasn't afraid she'd bite me.

It's the part I sit on that I'm worried about,

but here goes.

(WHINNIES)

Whoop. Mmm-hmm...

Lied about her age.

Well, back to the barrel.

Aggie, let's face it.

I can't go out there riding in any fox hunt.

Playing an earl was easy, but all I ever hunted was a job.

But you got to ride. The town's depending on you.

Let's say you convince me.

Who's going to convince the horse?

Look, I'll teach you to stick in the saddle

if we have to work here all night.

No, Aggie. I've tried, but I'm just a living-room earl.

You'll have to get another boy for that rough stuff.

I ain't asking you to try to ride

for Big Squaw or for Pa or Ma.

Just for me.

Me? I mean, you?

The first time I saw you, I said to myself,

"Here's a dirty, lowdown, lily-livered coyote."

Then as I got to know you better,

I figured you for a filthy, sneaking rat.

I grow on people like that.

But then again you remind me

of a little old chipmunk I had when I was a kid.

Only thing I ever loved.

Same look in the eye as you got.

I'll never forget how he looked at me

just before he went west.

California?

Dead. Cart Belknap shot him.

Did you tell Cart Belknap

that we didn't mean a thing to each other?

Not yet, but I was fixing to.

Well, don't. 'Cause I don't like my women to be lying.

You mean, you aren't running out on us?

Let me back on that barrel.

Nothing's going to stop me, maybe not even a horse.

Would you give me a little help here, please? Oh.

Leg up. Yeah, leg up.

A little lower, please.

Just a little lower. Chin up.

That'll have to hold you till I catch the fox.

(BLOWING)

Now you hold fox good.

I put on gravy.

Gravy? What's that for?

Dogs not hunt fox before,

but dogs very much like gravy.

(DOGS BARKING)

MAN: Hooray for the President!

CROWD: Hooray! Hooray!

Good morning. Good morning.

Oh, Mr. President, this is so thrilling, ain't it, everybody?

Yeah!

Yes, indeed. Bully idea, this fox hunt.

Well, may not be exactly like England,

but the fox'll never know the difference.

(ALL LAUGHING)

This horse is yours, Mr. President.

Fine. Fine.

Tallyho!

Pip pip, everyone. Top of the morning, Your Excellency.

Morning, Brinstead. Splendid day for the hunt.

Righto. Typical Devonshire weather.

Ho-ho-ho! Give a horse a man he can ride.

Well, where's Bessie?

(WHISTLES) Here, Bess! Here, Bess!

Bessie's over here.

Oh, I didn't recognize you.

CART: Just a minute, Your Lordship.

Mr. President, I brought this pony over from my ranch.

He's the best jumper in these parts.

I'd sure be honored if you'd ride him in the hunt.

Capital, sir. Capital. Very nice of you.

I'd be dee-lighted.

Fine animal. Fine animal.

But the Earl of Brinstead is a guest of our country.

I think he should have the horse.

Oh, I wouldn't think of it.

After all, fox hunting is old hat with me.

I wouldn't wanna deprive the President of the best jumper.

I figured on that, so I brought you one just as good.

Oh, you didn't have to do that.

Bully. In that case, then I'll accept.

Change the saddle.

Yes. Bully, by all means.

Now bring in the Earl's horse.

Yeah...

(WHINNYING)

That's a horse?

Why, that's peaceful.

Peaceful. Nickname, huh?

He just put four riders to rest.

Yeah, but they weren't masterful horsemen like the Earl here.

He'll quiet down once you're in the saddle,

and he knows that you're the boss.

Can't we tell him before that?

Oh! I don't want to appear ungrateful, old boy,

but I promised Bessie she could go,

and I wouldn't want to disappoint her at all.

Who would you rather disappoint,

Bessie or the President?

Don't answer that.

Let's get that saddle on him.

What are we going to do now?

You could break a leg.

Oh, I knew I could depend on you.

All ready for you, Earl.

Come on. I'll give you a leg up.

Leg up, he says. Little does he know.

Coming, old bean. Ta.

Oh. (WHINNIES)

Oh, terribly sorry.

Clumsy me. Awkward leg up.

Oh. Oh.

What happened? Oh, oh.

What is it?

It's an old injury. Got it playing rugby at Oxford.

Kept me off the crew, you know. I was a four-letter man.

I know. I know. But we can't have the hunt without you.

I guess we'll have to call it off.

Oh, nothing of the sort. Tradition. Oh, no, I'll be all right.

Didn't sleep a wink last night just thinking of it.

Don't unsaddle old peaceful.

Just bring him over here and have him kneel down.

(WHINNIES) Oh, oh.

Oh, oh.

Now, Brinstead, you mustn't try to ride.

You'll only aggravate that injury.

Oh, I'll suffer through, Prez. I'll be all right.

You can't ride. President's orders.

Oh, well, I guess I'm outvoted.

Rum luck, eh?

First fox hunt I ever remember missing.

Oh, I don't know how I'll explain it down at the hunt club.

(EXCLAIMS) There it goes.

Well, buzz off without me, you lucky people.

Mount up, you all. Have fun.

I'll just sit here till you and the pain go away.

Oh! Steady.

Oh, too bad Earlee bustee legee.

Yeah.

And it's going to get a lot worse. Give me that gravy.

Well, mustn't keep the President waiting. Pip pip, cheerio.

Tally! Bring back the fox.

I'll make a neckpiece for you.

Ooh, you lovely knee.

That's hard luck, Earl.

You want to be real careful with this leg now.

That's all right. I'm top-hole, really.

No further injuries? What about this one? No, I'm all right.

Don't break that. It's the only one I have left.

Uh, uh, please, please. How about your chest?

I'm fine.

Any broken ribs? No, I'm all right.

How's your back? My back? Oh, my back.

(LAUGHING)

Don't worry about a thing. That's doggone nice of you, Earl.

That's all right. I'll be... I'll be fine.

Trump the trumpets! (WHISTLES)

Unbox the fox!

(DOGS BARKING)

Look at him go.

He must have a date with another fox.

Unbound the hounds!

(BARKING)

(YAPPING)

Yoiks away!

Hey, they're looking for you.

Help! Murder! Police dogs!

Help! Go away.

What am I, the fox?

(YAPPING)

Shh!

(YAPPING)

Shh! Shh! Stool pigeon.

(YAPPING)

(LOUD BARKING)

Must be a meat shortage!

Please stop. I wouldn't do this to a dog!

I'd throw you a bone, but it's on my leg.

(YAPPING)

Shh!

(CONTINUES YAPPING)

(DOGS WHIMPERING)

I've ridden with several hunts

where we've lost the fox, but this is the first time I've ever lost the dogs.

Maybe we ought to go home, get us some guns

and turn this into a bear hunt.

Don't think I'll have the time, Mr. Floud.

I'll just barely be able to ride back to your house

and say goodbye to my friend, the Earl.

Giddy up.

Couldn't we just buy some more dogs and keep going?

Ma, we've already corralled every animal that could bark.

I don't see what could've happened

to a whole mess of hungry hounds.

Come on.

Hey.

Hey.

(THUDS)

One for the road?

For a man with a bad leg, you ride pretty good.

When one is born to the saddle, the hunt must go on.

You don't say.

Oh, yes. In fact, the Brinstead coat of arms

is a pair of riding britches,

rampant on a field of blisters.

That's very funny. Now, let's see you laugh

your way out of this, Mr. Tyler.

Tyler? Who's Tyler?

You are. Here's your picture, Mr. Tyler.

I've been reading what they had to say about you.

Here you are.

"Arthur Tyler, an American and an actor..."

But not a very good one.

Oh, yeah? Just a minute. There's one here that says, uh...

It's, uh... Look-it here. It says,

"Arthur Tyler gives a standout performance."

Then you admit that you are Arthur Tyler?

Oh, of course not.

Then what's this scrapbook doing under your pillow?

I like to sleep with my head high.

I'm Humphrey, Earl of Brinstead, old fellow.

Pip pip, and all that sort of hoity-toity.

And I'd like to take my scrapbook.

You know, the President and this whole town is gonna be real upset

when they find out how you and them Flouds

tried to make fools out of them.

Oh, but, Mr. Belknap,

surely you're not going to tell them about it.

I mean, not so much for me,

but the Flouds, they're such nice people.

Especially Aggie.

Yeah, that's right.

I wouldn't miss this for a million bucks.

(CROWD CHEERING)

Well, here we go, Mr. Tyler. Cheerio.

And by the way, I'll put a real good finish on this for you...

Your funeral notice.

You can't do it, Mr. Belknap.

You're not going out there with that scrapbook!

Oh, no? Ooh!

(GLASS SHATTERING)

(WHISTLING)

Oh!

(CRASHING)

He found my scrapbook. He knows I'm an actor.

Well, get out of there, quick.

(WHISTLING)

(WHISTLING)

I could've sworn that was Brinstead.

Brinstead? Where? There.

(YAPPING)

(BARKING)

Quick! Here comes the President.

Huh? Oh! Get out.

Brinstead.

Oh, Mr. Roosevelt. I almost didn't make it.

I just had to say goodbye, sir.

But what happened?

Well, I was determined to reach the train before you left,

but I fell down twice for every time I got up.

Bad leg, you know, sir.

You shouldn't have attempted it.

You ought to be in bed with a leg like that.

Oh, don't worry about me, Mr. President.

It was jolly of you to stop off here in Big Squaw.

Splendid hunt. Wish I had been there.

Perhaps we'll hunt together sometime

when you come across the pond.

(DOGS BARKING)

So that's what happened to our dogs.

Crazy dogs. Why did they have to chase him this way?

Listen, Mr. President, you and this whole town

ought to know what them Flouds and that fake Earl's

trying to put over on ya.

What are you talking about, Belknap?

Why, he's just a cheap little actor.

It's the most humiliating thing.

I'm going right back to England! And I...

He's a fake. And that book he's got will prove it to you.

Oh, why, you! Give me that!

Accusations, just accusations!

(ALL CLAMORING)

If we get out of this alive,

nothing will ever come between us.

(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS)

(CRASHING)

A kiss like that can kill a guy.