Original subtitles

[♪]

["WEDDING MARCH" PLAYING ON ORGAN]

Did you see that, uncle?

Did you see the way he looked at that bridesmaid?

Oh, no. He was just looking around,

and accidentally there was a bridesmaid.

Why doesn't he look at me?

Oh, he has seen you.

[WHISPERING] Did you catch that?

Flirting right up to the last minute.

Oh, don't be silly.

I'll never be able to trust that girl.

[♪]

[INAUDIBLE]

[INAUDIBLE]

Oh, I won't need you anymore today, Thompson.

Good morning, Mrs. Kent.

Oh, good morning, Charles.

We've booked you and Mr. Kent

on the Southern Queen sailing next Tuesday.

Good. Did you get us a stateroom on the promenade deck?

Naturally. We've also arranged

for your accommodations in Rio

at the Hotel Atlantico.

The presidential suite. Of course.

How do you do? Good morning.

Don't worry about a thing, Mrs. Kent. In Rio,

our man will meet you at the boat

and escort you to the hotel.

Fine.

Uh-oh. Here she is again.

You take care of her, Dudley, in a nice way.

I got stuck last time.

Quite a character. Comes in here every few months.

Loads up on literature, plans elaborate tours.

Never goes on one of them.

Really? Why is that?

Well, she's just a singer in a honky-tonk.

Hasn't got a dime.

I think there are some papers here for you to sign, Mrs. Kent.

Oh, how do you do, Miss Garrett?

Oh, greetings, chum.

My, we haven't seen you, let's see now,

since, uh, you didn't go to Switzerland.

Yeah. I got a big kick out of planning that trip.

What looks good this time of the year?

How about the Canadian Rockies?

Canadian Rockies? Don't you remember?

I already haven't been there.

Oh, of course, I'm sorry.

What about a cruise through the Canal,

and return home by train from Los Angeles?

The Canal's for schmoes.

Come on, what really looks good?

Well, uh, South America's getting a heavy play.

Matter of fact, we have some literature on it,

if you'll just step right over here.

Sure. CHARLES: Here are the papers.

Hello, Miss Garrett. Hi.

South America, the seat of ancient cultures.

Museums, missions, archeological ruins abound.

South America.

[HUMS]

♪ You could tell By her mañana ♪

Mañana, that fractures me.

Hey, what has South America got besides romantic ruins?

Let's see. It says here there are approximately

four men to every woman--

That's enough. Doesn't hurt a girl to be outnumbered.

Pardon me, Mrs. Kent. Yes?

We're set up to take your passport photo.

Oh, thank you. I'll be right in.

As long as I'm handy, I might as well have one taken too.

But, Miss Garrett, you've already had

seven passport pictures taken.

But never as a blond.

[♪]

Are you going to tell your husband?

Oh, no, no. Not yet.

I want some time to prepare him for it. Well...

Before you go, there's just one more thing.

Uncle. Uncle.

Yeah. What happened?

Do you see what I see?

What do you see? Isn't that Elvira down there?

Now, Michael, don't tell me you are still jealous of her.

Well, why did they raise the top?

I don't know.

Maybe they are afraid it will rain.

Ohhhh.

Let's face it, uncle. Elvira's a flirt, always has been.

Thought marriage would change her, but it hasn't.

Just the opposite, my boy.

When a woman is married, she has to flirt twice as hard,

to prove she's still got it.

Yes?

Yes, what?

Whom do you wish to see?

Mr. Michael Kent.

Who are you?

Oh, I'm Mr. Kent's secretary.

Oh? Since when?

Since 9:00 this morning.

Who are you?

Mrs. Michael Kent, since three years ago.

Oh, really?

Why do you say, "Oh, really"?

Well, I didn't know Mr. Kent was married.

Well, you've only been here since 9:00.

He couldn't have gotten very far in the story of his life.

Shall I announce you to Mich--? Uh, I mean, Mr. Kent?

Uh, never mind.

I'll just walk in on Mr. Ke--

I mean, uh, Michael.

Hello.

Oh, hello, darling. Your hat's on crooked.

Well, it's supposed to be that way.

Oh, is it?

Looks very cute. Very cute.

We'll take care of that a little later.

Uh, who was that you just drove up with?

Oh, I was hoping you wouldn't see me.

Well, if you must know, it was an automobile salesman.

You two looked so chummy,

I could've sworn he was a friend.

Well, he was just showing me how the car worked.

Oh? You didn't tell me you were getting a new car.

You didn't tell me you were getting a new secretary.

Where did, uh, she come from?

Oh, from the Acme Secretarial School, I suppose.

Maybe by the time we're back from South America,

she'll be able to type with all 10 fingers.

Oh, South America. Oh... Ahem.

What's the matter, dear?

Nothing, nothing. Oh, excuse me.

Mr. Kent, you wanted to see these.

Fine. Fine.

Put them out on the whole chain. I want everyone to smell good.

Yes, sir. Oh, uh...

Michael, every time you say "Oh, uh, um" like that,

I know there's something on your mind and not in your throat.

What about our trip?

Well, darling, uh, this is it.

I'm afraid we're going to have to postpone it again.

Postpone it? Why?

Business. Something came up this morning.

About 9:00 this morning?

Yes, yes, about 9.

Phone call from the West. Great chance for a merger.

Listen, marriage is a merger too, you know,

and a darned important one.

I know, I know.

But if we can grab the Great Western Drug Company,

there won't be a hot-water bottle without our name on it.

That's a comfort.

Tell J.B. to put those bottles on a national network.

You wanted me to remind you of your lunch appointment.

Oh, yes, thank you, Miss Medwick.

Bye-bye, dear. May see you at dinner.

Glad you see it my way.

Come along, bring your notebook.

You know, this is not only lunch, it's business.

[♪]

Would you please sign these?

Oh. Oh, yes, yes.

Mmmm.

That's a wonderful perfume.

Don't believe we carry that in our stores.

Would you mind telling me what it is?

It's called Tonight or Never.

It's your passport photo.

A messenger brought it from the Baker Travel Agency.

A lot of good it'll do me now.

Maybe we'd better put it in stock.

Oh, yes, sir.

Well, uh, if you don't want it, I'd be glad

to keep it as a souvenir.

You're sweet.

[♪]

Excuse me.

Would you mind finishing?

Oh.

Hello, dear.

Hello, Uncle Lazlo.

Your hat is on crooked.

It's supposed to be that way.

Oh.

I guess you heard Michael cannot go to South America.

Uncle Lazlo, couldn't you handle this deal yourself?

No, darling, I cannot do anything without Michael.

I am the president of the company,

but he is my brains in the drugstore business.

When I started in this business nobody was helping me.

No. I was a soda jerker.

Pssht. Heh-heh-heh.

I was such a thin boy, my boss was such a guy.

One mistake, I got a punch in the nose.

But now it is different.

I am the success, so he does all the work.

No, no, no, I cannot let Michael go, not for a day.

He's the great business head.

I didn't marry Mike for his business head.

He's so attractive, but he's such a wolf.

Uncle Lazlo, don't you think it's a little strange

that this business deal should pop up

the same morning he hires a beautiful new secretary?

I know what you are insinuating, but you are 90 percent wrong.

Oh? What about the other 10 percent?

Oh, well, I'm not saying that Michael

has not looked at another woman.

Who hasn't?

I have looked at women, and the few that looked back, I married.

That cured me of looking.

I will tell you what, I still like women,

but I... I stopped looking.

Well, that isn't me.

Is there a phone number on the back? Let me see.

A nice girl. I thought you'd stopped looking.

Why, I know who that is. That's that girl in the agency.

She's quite a character.

Elvira, dear, why not forget about Michael

and take this trip yourself. Why?

And leave him here with a free hand? Oh, no.

Don't be silly.

Even if you were here,

if Michael wanted to play around in a city like New York,

with a little caution... Ah.

If he thought I was away,

he wouldn't bother about being careful.

How I'd love to go to South America and catch Michael here.

My dear niece, not only is it impossible,

but it cannot be done.

Uncle.

What? I think I have an idea.

What--? What idea?

Get me the Baker Travel Agency,

and I wanna speak to Charles, please.

Uncle, we're going nightclubbing tonight.

Night-- Nightclubbing?

Hello, Charles. This is Mrs. Kent.

[UPBEAT JAZZY MUSIC PLAYING]

Uncle. Uncle.

Yes?

This is the girl.

I hope you know what you are doing.

Waiter, have you a table for two?

Sorry, no formal dress allowed.

Why?

Makes the customers feel uncomfortable.

Oh, makes them uncomfortable.

And how much makes them comfortable?

You rich guys think that money can buy anything.

How right you are.

[MUSIC ENDS, APPLAUSE]

Nobody would ever suspect you love music.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

That ought to prove I'm not rude.

We now present our singing star, an Oscar Farrar discovery

trained by Oscar Farrar, and appearing here

through the courtesy of Oscar Farrar.

Incidentally, my name is Oscar--

Seems to escape me for the moment.

Miss Georgia Garrett.

[APPLAUSE]

[CROWD WHISTLES]

Hi, baby.

[MUSICAL INTRO PLAYING ON PIANO]

♪ Although I'm smitten ♪

♪ I've never written ♪

♪ Any poetry at all ♪

♪ Not even the kind That you usually find ♪

♪ On a schoolhouse wall ♪

♪ The poems that I've composed ♪

♪ I could never win a cup with ♪

♪ After trying and trying And trying and trying ♪

♪ This is what I came up with ♪

♪ I'm in love, I'm in love I'm in love ♪

♪ I'm in love, I'm in love I'm in love, I'm in love ♪

♪ I'm in love, I'm in love I'm in love ♪

♪ I'm in love, I'm in love I'm in love, I'm in love ♪

♪ I'm in love, I'm in love ♪

♪ I'm in love, I'm in love I'm in love ♪

♪ I'm in love, I'm in love I'm in love, I'm in love ♪

♪ I'm in love with you ♪

♪ I'm in love, I'm in love I'm in love, I'm in love ♪

♪ I'm in love, I'm in love I'm in love ♪

♪ I'm in love, I'm in love I'm in love, I'm in love ♪

♪ I'm in love, I'm in love I'm in love ♪

♪ In love-- ♪

So she's in love.

[CROWD LAUGHS]

♪ I'm in love, I'm in love ♪

♪ I'm in love ♪

♪ I'm in love ♪

♪ I'm in love, I'm in love ♪

♪ I'm in love ♪

♪ I'm in love With ♪

♪ I'm in love, I'm in love I'm in love, I'm in love ♪

♪ I'm in love with you ♪

[MUSIC ENDS, APPLAUSE]

[WHISTLING]

[PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]

What was the name of that song?

"I'm in Love."

Did I do right by you?

You always do.

But all this is beneath me.

Why don't you marry me so I can quit this job.

You know, I'm getting a little tired of turning you down.

Marry me and get yourself a dependent. I'm deductible.

Oscar, you're a sweet kid, but just a little offensive.

I always wanted to marry a girl who could tune

a piano on the side.

Once and for all, will you marry me?

Answer yes or no.

No.

We'll continue this discussion later.

Will you see me home?

Hey, Georgia, a couple of income-tax evaders

want you to have a drink with them. Table seven.

I'll drink with them, but autographs are out.

Okay. Captain, did they ask for me?

No one ever asks for you.

How did a sweet kid like you

ever get into this kind of a racket?

Aaaaahh! Aahh! Aahh!

Hello. Hello.

Hi. Miss Garrett, I'm Elvira Kent.

This is my uncle, Lazlo Lazlo. Hello.

If he isn't your uncle, is that my business?

You can believe me, she's my niece.

I have experiences in nieces.

Won't you sit down?

Don't be surprised if I do.

That's cute.

We ordered champagne cocktails, if it is all right with you.

So I'm stuck with it.

Say, haven't I seen you someplace?

Baker Travel Agency.

And what's more they sent me your passport photo by mistake.

Of course, the schmoes, they sent me yours.

It's in my room, you want it?

There's no hurry.

You can keep mine. I'm not going anyplace.

Well, neither am I.

Did you run out of money too?

Oh, no, no, no. My niece cannot run out of money.

I am the owner of one of the greatest drugstore chains.

When I came in this country I was a soda jerker.

I was such a thin boy, my boss was such a guy.

One mistake, I got a punch in the nose-- No, no.

Miss Garrett.

Listening.

How would you like to go to South America after all?

How would I like to go to S--?

Oh, you mean as a stowaway?

No.

In a first-class cabin, all expenses paid,

and $1000 spending money.

What radio program do you two represent,

and how did I win it?

Oh, no, nothing to do with radio

or contests or anything like that. No.

What's the catch? There must be a catch.

There is. Mm.

You see, you have to travel under my name.

Under your name? You tired of it?

No. You see, I'm married and--

Oh, ashamed of it.

No.

Miss Garrett, I don't trust my husband.

Natch.

Well, if he thought I was in South America,

he'd play around quite openly--

And she would be here to catch him.

Well, why not let him play around?

Keeps them off the streets.

Yuy.

Please.

This is a legitimate offer.

LAZLO: Yes, it is.

Do you mean after all these years

of planning and dreaming

and never getting out of Far Rockaway...?

You mean this thing is just gonna fall right in my lap?

LAZLO: Right in your laps.

Well, what am I asking questions for?

Lady, have you got yourself a deal.

Let's drink to that. Wonderful.

A votre santé. A votre-- A votre what?

A votre santé.

What does that mean? Your health.

Mine's fine, thanks. How's yours?

Don't pack that. I'll need that in New York.

Beg pardon?

I mean, I won't be using it in Rio.

You can stop packing, Marie.

Hello, darling. Hello.

I'll finish the merger by the end of the week,

and then I can go with you.

Huh?

I said I'll be finished in a few days.

Aren't you happy?

Uh... Oh, yes, I certainly am.

It's just that it interferes with all my plans.

Plans? What plans?

What she means is, her boat leaves tomorrow

and not in a few days, you know.

But another one leaves Saturday. That's only 96 hours.

But-- But-- But, darling, you can't complete

a decent merger in 96 hours.

She's right. If you should mess up this deal

you'll never forgive yourself.

Oh, yes, I will. Then I'll never forgive you.

[PHONE RINGS]

Oh, the phone. Now, look, darling, this is--

Hello. Oh, hello, Georgia. Uh...

Oh, I can't talk to you now, dear, I'm in a hurry.

I'll see you on the boat. Goodbye, Georgia.

Who's this you'll see on the boat?

George who? George who?

Oh, George who? Oh, not George who...

Georgia. Just a girlfriend of mine.

But no, darling, you stay here and take care of your affairs.

Well, this seems very funny to me.

Very funny that you can't wait till Saturday.

Only four days.

Don't you think it's funny, uncle?

No, it isn't funny at all.

Well, maybe not to you,

because you have no feelings of such matters.

What--? I have no feeling? You have no feeling.

You are just talking, talking, don't know what about.

She cannot postpone her trip. It's settled with Georgia.

What's settled? Say, who is this Georgia, anyway?

You see, you haven't the faintest notion.

Georgia is the girl who has to--

You are driving me crazy.

Oh.

[SHOWER RUNNING]

Elvira, don't you think you owe me an explanation?

[ELVIRA SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

I can't hear a word you're saying,

the shower's making too much noise.

Just what are you up to?

I can't talk to you about it now.

I want one reason, at least one good reason

why you have to go off by yourself.

I can't talk to you about it now.

Well, if I can't hear you, at least let me see you.

Now, are you gonna wait for me? Yes or no?

[♪]

Oh, uh, hello.

Come in.

Excuse me, are you, uh, Peter Virgil?

I am.

Peter Virgil, the detective?

Yes.

A client suspects his wife is slowly poisoning him

and I was just examining the evidence.

No, there's no poison. It could stand a little sugar, though.

Excuse me. See I, uh...

I figure as long as there's no poison,

why, I might as well drink it.

Would you join me in a cup of evidence?

No, thanks.

Well, sit down. What can I do for you?

Well, you'll excuse me for being blunt, Mr. Virgil.

Uh...

Tell me, Mr. Virgil, uh,

are you a good detective?

Well, naturally.

Hm. Uh, where did you get your training?

In the Army. Intelligence G-2.

Well, were you good at your job?

We won the war, didn't we?

Before that I was a vaudeville hoofer,

professional wrestler, and a magician's assistant.

So you can see, I'm a man of wide experience, Mr., uh...

Kent. Michael Kent.

See how I wormed that name out of you?

Uh, Mr. Virgil, I'm here on a very delicate matter.

I suppose you're married? Yes.

I know what I'm doing is not quite the right thing--

But what you suspect your wife is doing is even worse?

The fact of the matter is, Mr. Virgil

my wife is leaving day after tomorrow

on a South American cruise,

and, well, she insists on going without me.

Mm. To a man of your nature, that means only one thing:

another man on the boat.

See, I don't know. That's what I want you to find out.

Well, you've come to the right man.

I've handled so many of these cases, I--

[PHONE RINGS]

Excuse me.

Hello.

Oh, yes, how are you?

Well, certainly I shadowed your wife.

I hate to tell you this, but you were right.

She's been two-timing you.

[THUD]

Hello? Hello?

He fainted.

Sometimes there's a shot.

Now, where were we?

Well, Mr. Virgil, I want you to get on the same boat

with my wife and shadow her.

I'll have to leave all of my business.

I'll make it up to you.

I can tell you right now without batting an eyelash,

it'll cost you $1000 a week.

Well, that's a little steep, isn't it, old boy?

Yes, yes, it is, but I'll probably get seasick.

Well, all right, all right. I'll book your passage.

Move your chair closer, will you?

There's a little confidential information I must have.

[PHONE RINGS]

Oh, excuse me.

Hello.

[GUNSHOT]

Well, what do you know?

He didn't even wait for me to tell him.

[♪]

MICHAEL: It still isn't too late, darling.

Can't you wait two or three weeks?

Don't be ridiculous.

Here I am, we're sailing any minute.

Well, I can get you off the boat in a while.

Will you please not worry about me? I'll be back in no time.

Yeah, I know, but I'm gonna miss you so much.

You just have the feeling that I'm always near you.

I'll try. And, darling, I want you to remember

that wherever you are, I'll be watching over you.

Oh, what a lovely sentiment.

Oh, isn't that the warning whistle?

Well, I didn't hear anything. Did you, uncle?

The whistle? Yes, sure I heard.

I still hear it.

Well, goodbye, darling.

Goodbye.

Have fun.

Come along, uncle.

Well, goodbye, darling.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

[FOGHORN BLOWS]

I didn't lie, just the whistle is a little late.

I understand running away from me,

but not on such an elaborate scale.

It was very sweet of you to come down. Goodbye.

I'll give you one more chance to explain.

Where did you get the money to go on this cruise?

I told you. You didn't tell me.

That's right, I told you I couldn't tell you.

Ah, you treat me like an empty suit.

Are you going with somebody?

Scouts honor, I'm traveling alone.

That's no fun. Georgia, I won't let you do this.

It's not only walking out on your job and me,

once you go, you cut down my list of friends 100 percent.

Think of that. I have thought about it.

That's the gratitude I get.

I taught you everything you know, gave you a career.

I picked you up when you were working behind a ribbon counter

for $45 a week and gave you a job at the club.

At a snappy 40 a week.

You can't expect to start at the top,

although I've often wondered why not.

Oscar, you better go.

I have so many things to do before we sail.

I know when I'm not wanted. It happens to me constantly.

Oscar.

Aren't you gonna kiss me?

I don't know how. Will you show me?

You don't know how either.

[FOGHORN BLOWS]

B flat, that's your key.

Don't forget to put your shoes

in front of the cabin every night.

Be sure to write. I will.

You sure you're not going with somebody?

Goodbye, Oscar.

You sure everything's gonna be all right?

Don't worry.

I want you to write me every chance you get.

If what I have to report can't go through the mails,

I-I'll phone you. All right.

I've had a lot of these cases. I hope what I'm doing is right.

You're all right.

Everything's all right. Okay.

Oh, excuse me. Sorry.

Should I wait for you?

You'd better go with Michael. He might get suspicious.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR] Come in.

All clear? Yes. Nobody here but my uncle.

And I am practically gone already.

Have a nice trip, my da-- Oh, pardon me.

You have a-- Oh, excuse me.

See you later. Yes, all right.

Good luck to you. Goodbye.

Goodbye. You all right?

Oh, you don't know what a tough time I had

getting rid of my boyfriend.

Phew. I'm beat.

Uh, Georgia-- I mean, Elvira,

because that's gonna be your name for the next few months.

--please be careful of your speech.

Mrs. Kent may be fatigued, but she's never beat.

Okay, I'm fatigued, but my feet hurt.

Eh-- Excuse me. Michael!

Michael. I thought I lost you.

Well, you see, I was just seeing a friend

about some business in South America.

Well, goodbye, Georgia. Best of luck.

Have a wonderful trip. Thanks.

Oh, and I almost forgot to tell you, I overtip.

Okay. It's your money. That's right.

Now let me see, checked the passenger list,

nobody knows me. So far so good.

Now here.

I've written letters to my husband

addressed from various ports.

Please be sure to mail them one by one

at each place you stop. Uh-huh.

That ought to convince him. It's a cinch.

Well, goodbye again and good luck to you.

Oh, I almost forgot the most important thing.

How do you feel about men?

They're grand. I mean, they're the most important thing.

With your figure and my name,

the men will be flocking after you.

Say, that's happened to me plenty under my own name.

Well, just remember, while your lips are being kissed,

it's my reputation that's suffering.

Yeah, I'll make a note of that. Good.

[FOGHORN BLOWS]

Oh, dear, I'm liable to be trapped on the boat.

Well, goodbye, Georgia. Goodbye.

I hope you make me very proud of me.

I'll try.

Oh, do me a favor, have a wonderful time,

but please stay in your cabin as much as possible,

and as alone as possible.

I'll make a note of that too and underline it.

Good. Bye.

[SIGHS]

[CHIMING]

All ashore that's going ashore.

[♪]

What's the matter with you?

What's the matter with you? I think I for-- I forget.

Forget what? I for--

Nothing at all.

I think I get seasick.

The ship isn't even moving. Why didn't you tell me that?

[♪]

[PEOPLE CHATTERING, SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]

Late for work, aren't you?

Could you tell me what table Mrs. Elvira Kent has reserved?

Table 64. Is that where you're stationed?

What do you mean? Aren't you a new waiter?

Me? Certainly not. I'm a passenger.

I've got one of the most luxurious cabins on the boat.

Oh, I beg your pardon. You certainly should.

If I were not a headwaiter, I'd be flustered.

Uh... What gave you the idea I was working here?

It was a natural mistake.

You see, onboard, no one dresses the first night out.

Oh.

Well, what's good enough for you is good enough for me.

[GASPS]

Oh, I'm so sorry.

A votre santé.

My dear young lady. Yes?

I advise you to go to your cabin and get out of your clothes.

Pardon? Don't go in there.

You'll be frightfully embarrassed.

Embarrassed? Why?

Nobody dresses the first night out.

They don't?

Even if it's chilly?

This I gotta see.

[GIGGLES]

You mean nobody dresses up.

Of course. Didn't you know that?

Then what are you doing in that monkey suit?

Confidentially, this is my first boat trip too.

Really? Yes.

My dear man, I've been on more world cruises

than you could shake a stick at.

It's just that compared to my other gowns,

I don't consider this very formal, that's all.

Is that so? Well, if you don't consider that formal,

I, uh... I'd like to see the rest of your wardrobe.

Mrs. Elvira Kent.

I have one little item-- MAN: Paging Mrs. Kent.

--that's backless, strapless, almost frontless.

Mrs. Elvira Kent.

Toujours sensa-- Mrs. Elvira Kent.

Oh, my goodness. Mrs. Elvira Kent, that's me. Hey, boy.

Are you Mrs. Kent? Natch. I mean, naturally.

Radiogram. Oh, thank you.

Just a moment. May I?

No, no, I'll take care of it. Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Thank you. That's all right.

I'm told I overtip.

Really?

Would you excuse me, please? Yes, certainly.

"Don't dress first night out."

Now she tells me.

Mrs. Kent, now that I know your name,

perhaps it's fair you should know mine.

It's immaterial. It's Peter Virgil.

I was wondering if you're as hungry as Mr. Virgil.

I could eat a cow.

Then our dress notwithstanding, will you have dinner with me?

If I'm overdressed, I might as well overeat.

Unless you have some other dinner engagement?

Oh, no, no, no.

Oh, now, surely you must have some friends onboard.

I don't mean male friends.

I mean, girlfriends often go on cruises together.

I don't know a soul on this tub. Huh?

Except Mr. Peter Virgil.

Well, then, chin up, eyes straight ahead,

and what care we if the peasants stare.

Carry on.

Oh, waiter.

Come here. Table for two, please.

Oh, I'm very sorry, the dining room's just been closed.

What do you mean, closed?

First you ritz me, then you try to starve

two perfectly good paying customers.

Eh, eh, eh. The man is only doing his duty.

After all, it's our fault that we dawdled.

Did we dawdle? Mm-hm.

Just the same, thanks ever so.

Why don't you try the cocktail lounge?

The pretzels are delicious. [BOTH LAUGH WEAKLY]

That's an excellent suggestion. I'm famished.

PETER: More pretzels, please. MAN: More pretzels. Yes, sir.

Yes, thank you.

Tell me, Mr. Virgil, what business are you in?

I stick my nose into other people's business.

You know how it is when a man's retired.

Retired? Retired from what?

I, uh, I made my fortune in the entertainment business.

Oh, really? Mm-hm.

I invented a new system for clearing audiences

out of theaters.

You're cute. You know something? Thank you. What?

I've always had an ambition

to be a singer. Is that so?

Most singers have secret ambitions to be society dames.

I don't see why you're wasting your time with a married woman

when there's many attractive single girls.

Oh, yes, yes.

The single girls look for husbands,

while married women run from their husbands.

Frankly, I'd rather be with those that are running

than with those that are looking.

Don't you want to be married?

Well, most husbands I know speak very poorly of marriage.

What do you think of your marriage?

Would you believe I haven't felt married for a minute?

Yours must be a very unusual marriage.

It certainly is.

I think we had quite enough dinner, thank you.

What would you like to do now?

I wish I could.

[PLAYING LIGHT JAZZ MELODY]

Isn't that lovely?

Hello. Good evening.

Oh, then you do sing? A little.

You know this song? Yes.

Could you raise it a little, please?

Sure. B flat, fellas.

[MELODY PLAYING IN HIGHER KEY]

♪ It's you or no one for me ♪

♪ I'm sure of this Each time we kiss ♪

PIANIST: ♪ The lady's in love ♪

♪ Now and forever And when forever's done ♪

♪ You'll find that you Are still the one ♪

♪ Please ♪ MEN: ♪ The lady said please ♪

♪ Don't say no to my plea ♪

♪ 'Cause if you do ♪

♪ Then I'm all through ♪

♪ There's this about you ♪

♪ My world's an empty world ♪

♪ Without you ♪

♪ It's you or no one ♪

MEN: ♪ She don't want no one ♪

♪ It's you or no one for me ♪ ♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ Baby, you're the one for me ♪

[APPLAUSE]

I shouldn't have done that.

I won't report you to the Social Register.

I'm so bored with it all, strictly entre nous.

I do wish I didn't have to keep up appearances.

Oh, I'm tired of pretending too. Let's both let our hair down.

Let's follow our impulses wherever they lead

and make this a real vacation, shall we?

I think you've got something there.

May I? Of course.

Anything above the third rib I consider formal.

Mrs. Kent? Yes?

I mean, Elvira. Yes?

May I see you to your cabin?

Well-- MAN: For you, Mrs. Kent.

Thank you. Would you tip him, please?

Yeah, sure. I overtip.

Oh, yes, of course. That's right.

Well?

No, thank you, Mr. Virgil. I'll find my way alone.

So nice meeting you. Good night.

[FOGHORN BLOWS]

[LATIN GUITAR MUSIC PLAYING]

Really? Yes.

[CHIRPING]

♪ The tourist trade The tourist trade ♪

♪ Aye, it's all for The tourist trade ♪

♪ We never sunbathe Tell you why ♪

♪ It's atmosphere For the passerby ♪

♪ To find us asleep In the shade ♪

♪ It's so very necessary ♪

♪ Aye, the tourist trade ♪

♪ The tourist trade The tourist trade ♪

♪ Aye, it's all for The tourist trade ♪

♪ Our souvenirs Are all foreign bought ♪

♪ They come from some place Called Terre Haute ♪

♪ We can't sell a thing That we've made ♪

♪ Please, no arguin' It's a bargain ♪

♪ Aye, the tourist trade ♪

♪ Habana is "Havana" ♪

♪ They murder the language ♪

♪ But we love 'em We want more of 'em ♪

♪ The Yankee dollar ain't hay ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey Hey, hey ♪

♪ The tourist trade The tourist trade ♪

♪ Aye, it's all for The tourist trade ♪

♪ If you're romantic The Cuban stars ♪

♪ Are made to order For soft guitars ♪

♪ You must fall in love When they're played ♪

♪ They inspire They're for hire ♪

♪ Aye, aye The tourist trade ♪

♪ Habana ♪

That's Havana.

♪ They murder the language ♪

♪ But we love 'em We want more of 'em ♪

♪ The Yankee dollar ain't hay ♪

Hey, hey.

ALL: ♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey Hey, hey ♪

♪ The tourist trade The tourist trade ♪

♪ Aye, it's all for The tourist trade ♪

♪ If you're romantic The Cuban stars ♪

♪ Made to order For soft guitars ♪

♪ You must fall in love When they're played ♪

♪ They inspire They're for hire ♪

♪ Aye, aye The tourist trade ♪

♪ It's a settin' Past forgettin' ♪

♪ Once you see it You'll agree ♪

♪ It's all for The tourist trade ♪

♪ Aye, aye, aye ♪

[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

♪ Hey, I love that stuff ♪

Hey, hey, now. Hey, now. Hey, now.

Hello, New York?

Havana calling Mr. Michael Kent.

Plaza 43444.

Desires to reverse charges.

Reverse charges? Oh.

Just one moment, please.

Havana calling, Mr. Kent. Wishes to reverse the charges.

Oh. Oh, yes. I'll accept it.

Hello.

Yes, yes, I'll accept the charges. Hello. Who?

It's me, Peter Virgil.

We're in Havana. I thought I'd call and give you the news.

Yes, yes, of course. Well, what is the news?

No news. What do you mean, "no news"?

She hasn't even looked at another man.

Professionally, I'm very disappointed.

Well, personally, I'm not.

You mean she really hasn't spoken to another man?

Well, she's spoken to me.

What? Y-you two know each other already?

Well, naturally, I had to make her acquaintance.

Well, was it difficult?

Tell me, uh, who spoke first?

I did-- Look, don't worry.

The slogan of my firm is "Never kiss a client's wife."

Well, don't change slogans in mid-ocean.

[MUTTERS]

Hello, is this Mrs. Elvira Kent?

Yes.

It is? Well, this is Mrs. Elvira Kent speaking.

Oh, excuse me, this is Georgia, Georgia Garrett.

I'm taking my work so seriously I already don't know who I am.

Good. Have you been sticking close to your cabin?

Have I? I've only spoken to one man,

and he's harmless, quite.

I thought I warned you about that.

Well, I figured if I don't speak to any men at all,

it's sure to attract attention to me, you see.

Oh, by the way, Mrs. Kent, I know it's none of my business,

but have you got anything on your husband yet?

I'm afraid his conduct has been impeccable.

Ooh, caught him with the goods, huh?

No. That means he's been behaving himself.

Oh, too bad. Well, maybe he'll do something

unimpeccable before I come back.

Well, goodbye. And look, keep in touch with me, will you?

Okay. Goodbye.

Oh, I thought you were waiting outside.

Well, I-I suddenly remembered I had to call New York.

Girlfriend, huh? No, no, business. And you?

I was calling New York too.

Boyfriend, huh?

Better than a boyfriend. My husband.

You were talking to your husband just now?

I just hung up. Does that surprise you?

Yes, it certainly does. I--

Poor darling. He was home waiting for my call.

He's quite a treasure. I think I'll send him a letter.

Well, uh, don't you have to write it first?

Oh, no, I'm way ahead on my letter writing.

[MAN SINGING IN SPANISH]

Bless his heart.

Look, uh, do you see a doorway over there?

Sure. Do you hear somebody singing?

Sure.

Well, then I guess I'm not crazy.

Shall we absorb some of the local color?

Let's.

Uh, table for two, please. Sí, señor.

[MAN CONTINUES SINGING IN SPANISH]

Bring us a couple of drinks of something tall, cool.

Sí, señor.

Oh, Havana. Isn't it romantic?

You know, you amaze me.

You must've made this trip a hundred times,

yet you make it sound like it's the first.

You know what my secret is?

No, what? No.

No, come on, tell me.

Well, I keep telling myself this is my first trip.

[SIGHS]

MAN: ♪ ...que no puedo olvidarlas ♪

♪ Por eso traigo yo ♪

♪ Siempre guardada ♪

♪ En mi corazón ♪

♪ La dulce melodía ♪

♪ Y lo que dice ♪

♪ Mi canción ♪

Pedro, you must teach me that song.

Le gusta, señora? Sí, sí.

Oh, you speak Spanish. Cuba Libre.

Just like a native.

We have so many requests for this song.

And I have some English lyrics, if you like it.

Oh, thank you. Will be 25 cents, please.

The tourist trade. Aye, the tourist trade.

♪ La-da-da-di-di-di ♪ ♪ La-da-da-di-di-di ♪

♪ Di-di-di-di-di ♪ ♪ Di-di-di-di-di ♪

♪ You sigh, the song begins ♪

♪ You speak and I hear violins ♪

♪ It's magic ♪

♪ The stars desert the skies ♪

♪ And rush to nestle In your eyes ♪

♪ It's magic ♪

♪ Without a golden wand ♪

♪ Or mystic charms ♪

♪ Fantastic things begin ♪

♪ When I am in your arms ♪

♪ When we walk hand in hand ♪

♪ The world becomes A wonderland ♪

♪ It's magic ♪

♪ How else can I explain Those rainbows ♪

♪ When there is no rain? ♪

♪ It's magic ♪

♪ Why do I tell myself ♪

♪ These things that happen ♪

♪ Are all really true? ♪

♪ When in my heart I know the magic ♪

♪ Is my love for you ♪

Gee, now, that's a beautiful song.

♪ It's magic ♪

There's something about the way you sing it,

I don't know, i-it does something to me.

♪ It's magic ♪

♪ Why do I tell myself ♪

♪ These things that happen ♪

♪ Are all really true? ♪

♪ When in my heart I know ♪ ♪ When in my heart I know ♪

♪ The magic ♪ ♪ The magic ♪

♪ Is my love for you ♪ ♪ Is my love for you ♪

[FOGHORN BLOWS]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Here you are. Gracias, gracias.

Will you have dinner with me tonight?

Why not? We've had it together every night so far.

Just a moment, sir. I gotta catch that boat.

Your tickets.

What's the matter, don't you trust me?

Your table or mine?

Say, I've got an idea. What about table nine?

Table nine? That's in a nice dark corner.

Georgia!

[GASPS] What's the matter?

Oh, nothing. If I'm gonna be ready in time,

I'd better start dressing right now.

Wait a minute. What's the hurry? I'll see you later.

[♪]

OSCAR: Georgia!

May I help you, sir?

Well, you're not exactly my type, but you can take my bags.

Good evening, madam. Good evening.

Did you give the message to Mr. Virgil?

Yes, madam. I told him that you weren't having dinner

because you were indisposed.

Thank you. Yes, madam.

Did you bring a little herring?

Yes, madam. Marinated.

Uh, the purse is right over there, help yourself.

It's all right, I overtip.

Thank you so much, ma'am.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Who is it?

It's me, Peter. How do you feel?

Terrible. Just terrible.

Well, we'll fix you right up. I brought you a doctor.

I don't need a doctor. I just want to be left alone.

I can't stand in this passageway all night, young lady.

It's drafty, and I'm--I'm catching cold.

[COUGHS]

Take two aspirins and go to bed.

DOCTOR: Thank you very much. Sounds like a very good idea.

I'll do that. But first, I'll have to examine you.

It might be something contagious, you know.

GEORGIA: All right, doctor. Just a minute.

[WEAKLY] Come in.

You better stay outside. We don't want to start an epidemic.

[COUGHS] [MOANS]

Now, tell me, where does it hurt?

Everywhere.

Oh, well, then, I suppose we should start looking someplace.

Yes, let me see your tongue. [BONES CRACKING]

What's the matter? Oh, I get dizzy when I bend.

I must be coming down with something.

Oh, thank you very much, yes. Oh, may I feel your pulse?

Yes, ah.

You might as well feel mine.

If you'd be so kind. Thank you.

Yes, your pulse is normal.

Yours is fast.

I was sure of it.

Well, I suppose I ought to tap something.

Here. Oh, thank you so much.

Now say, "Ah."

Ah. Ah.

[COUGHS]

My diagnosis was correct. What do you recommend, doctor?

A sea voyage. A sea--

Oh, but then we're on one, aren't we?

I'm so sorry. How silly of me.

I'll give you an injection and put you to sleep.

That shouldn't do you any harm.

Will it hurt, doctor?

Well, it shouldn't, but I'm a bit clumsy, you know.

Couldn't I just read myself to sleep?

No, I'm afraid not. Now just one moment.

Oh!

Oh. I feel faint.

Who got jabbed, me or you?

I seem to smell food odors.

[SNIFFS]

That's always a bad sign. And herring too.

Why do I smell herring?

I guess there's a school of herring following the ship.

No, no, not marinated herring.

Oh.

I don't feel so hot.

I think I better be going.

[SIGHS, COUGHS]

Good night, doctor.

Good night.

And I hope I sleep well.

I hope so.

[COUGHING]

Well, doctor? Yes, she'll live,

but I can't make any prediction about myself.

Would you mind helping me to my cabin?

Not at all. Is something wrong?

Thank you very much. I don't feel too good, I...

[♪]

Oh, mess boy.

I'm a purser. What can I do for you?

There's something wrong with your passenger list.

You haven't got Georgia Garrett listed.

What was that name again? Georgia Garrett.

Georgia as in "marching through."

Garrett as in "starving in."

I'm sorry, if she isn't listed, she's not onboard.

Don't be coy. I've just been chasing her all over the ship.

Tell me, you know this tomato?

Why, certainly. This toma--

This lady is Mrs. Michael Kent.

Oh, she's Mrs. Kent now.

And what is Mrs. Kent's stateroom?

Twenty-three, B deck.

Thank you. And take the next two weeks off.

Sure-- What?

I haven't eaten all day.

[♪]

GEORGIA: Come in.

Oscar, how did you get on this boat?

I lied about my age.

You chooch. You followed me here, huh?

That's right.

I was sitting alone in a restaurant.

The waiter put down a check and you weren't there to pick it up.

Oscar, please go away,

Incidentally, I picked up your last two paychecks.

It was barely enough to pay for my plane ticket.

Didn't even leave me enough to buy you a present.

I feel like a cad.

You crook. You can go to jail for that.

Marry me and you won't have to testify against me.

I'm so sleepy.

And you know I don't love you.

I don't know whether to believe

what I'm hearing or what I'm feeling.

Uh, where's the radio room?

Top deck, sir, next to the lounge.

Thanks.

I have all the seductive powers of a sedative.

You chooch.

[MORSE CODE SIGNAL BEEPING]

Will you please send this radiogram at once?

And send it collect.

[♪]

Good morning.

Well, good morning.

Good morning. And I use the expression loosely.

How are you? I feel just fine.

I think you'd be interested to know that I feel fine too.

I was sure you would. I wanna thank you.

You left me in good hands last night.

Yes, yes, I saw as much.

That doctor sure gets results.

Of course, sometimes he needs help.

Huh?

That specialist that was called in on the case.

Specialist?

Can you explain to me why that man

was in your cabin kissing you?

No. Well?

Well, can you explain why you were watching my cabin?

No. Well?

Well, maybe--

Maybe what?

Maybe I'm narrow-minded,

but I don't like married women who play around with other men.

Would you feel different if the other man was you?

That's beside the point.

It is, is it? Yes, it is.

Everything they've said about women like you

on boats like this turned out to be true.

Or don't you follow me?

I've wanted to, Peter, anywhere, anytime.

Well, don't.

Peter, you can't mean that. I ca--

I've only one thing to say to you, Mrs. Kent:

I would certainly hate to be Mr. Kent.

Oh, chooch.

[BAND PLAYING SLOW JAZZ MUSIC]

Good morning, madam.

Good morning.

I'd like to get higher than a kite.

Yes, madam, uh, what shall it be?

I don't know. I don't drink.

Well, how about, uh, cherry--?

Never mind. I'll get my kicks my way. Just forget it.

Hi, fellas. Hi. Hi.

Why so glum?

I don't know. I'm in a mood, I guess.

Bright or blue?

You start it, I'll finish it.

♪ You can take the moon Gather up the stars ♪

♪ And the robins that sing Merrily ♪

♪ Put 'em in a box ♪

♪ Tie 'em with a ribbon ♪

♪ And throw 'em In the deep blue sea ♪

♪ You can take the flowers Down in Lovers' Lane ♪

♪ And that sentimental poetry ♪

♪ Put 'em in a box ♪

♪ Tie 'em with a ribbon ♪

♪ And throw 'em In the deep blue sea ♪

♪ Not for me, all that stuff ♪

♪ The dreams that ruin Your sleep ♪

♪ Not for me, had enough ♪

♪ Love is one thing You can keep ♪

♪ You can take the plans And the wedding bells ♪

♪ And whoever sings "Oh, Promise Me" ♪

♪ Put 'em in a box ♪

♪ Tie 'em with a ribbon ♪

♪ And throw 'em In the deep blue sea ♪

♪ 'Cause love and I We don't agree ♪

♪ The hansoms through the park ♪

♪ The kisses in the dark ♪

♪ All the promises made Faithfully ♪

♪ Put 'em in a box ♪

♪ Tie 'em with a ribbon ♪

♪ And throw 'em In the deep blue sea ♪

♪ And you won't go wrong ♪

♪ If you take a song ♪

♪ Sung by Frankie boy Or Mr. C ♪

BAND: ♪ Put 'em in a box ♪

♪ Tie 'em with a ribbon ♪

♪ And throw 'em In the deep blue sea ♪

♪ Not for me, all that stuff ♪

ALL: ♪ The dreams that ruin Your sleep ♪

♪ Not for me, had enough ♪

ALL: ♪ Love is one thing You can keep ♪

BAND: ♪ In the icebox ♪

♪ You know what you can do ♪

♪ With good old tea for two ♪

♪ And the girl for you The boy for me ♪

ALL: ♪ Put 'em in a box ♪

♪ Tie 'em with a ribbon ♪

♪ Throw 'em In the deep blue sea ♪

♪ Cause love and I We don't agree ♪

BAND: ♪ At all ♪

♪ Cause love ♪ BAND: ♪ Love ♪

♪ And I, we don't agree ♪

[HANDS CLAPPING]

Oh. Thanks, fellas.

Excuse me. That was fun.

So it's you.

I accept that as a greeting.

Very funny. Oscar, what do you want?

For one thing, I'd like to get

this Mrs. Michael Kent business straight.

Oh, please, why don't you go home?

I can't swim.

Oscar, if you really love me, you'll pretend not to know me.

Listen, I didn't come all this way and spend all your money

to pretend I don't know you.

Does that instrument interfere with your work?

[OSCAR PLAYING PIANO]

You're in some kind of trouble, aren't you, honey?

The worst kind of trouble.

Oscar, I'm in love.

Don't you think you're being a little forward?

Heh. Not with you.

That was a short romance.

It's all so complicated.

You remember the night when that classy couple

asked me to have a drink? Mm-hm.

GEORGIA: They turned out to be Mrs. Elvira Kent and her uncle,

head of a drugstore chain.

What a deal they threw my way.

A chance to cash in on all my dreams,

so I accepted.

My first night onboard, I met him.

There must be something about salt air,

he looked so wonderful to me.

By the time we reached Cuba, I was in love with him.

Head over heels, if you know what I mean.

Oh, Havana was heaven.

And all the time I had to pretend that who I was,

I wasn't.

Then, this morning, what does he give me?

The gate, hinges and all.

So here I am. He thinks I'm married.

If I kiss him, I lose him.

On the other hand, if I tell him the truth,

who will he hate most, a cheat or a phony?

I know you're phony and I don't hate you.

You don't know what it's like to want someone

and not be able to do anything about it.

Don't I? Oh, well,

I guess I'll just have to bury myself in my work.

[PLAYS PIANO DRAMATICALLY]

Is that your "Brooklyn Rhapsody"?

Who said anything about Brooklyn?

It's now called "The Caribbean Rhapsody." I'm adaptable.

Have you finished? I don't want to.

People will like it, they'll make a big fuss over me.

I'll have no time. I'll be the toast of the town.

Then what happens to that sweet boy you and I love?

Aren't you being modest? I have confidence in you, Oscar.

Everybody has confidence in me. That's my trouble.

In high school, I was voted the boy most likely to succeed.

In college, they said I had a brilliant future.

I wonder what ever became of me?

[PLAYING FRENETIC MUSIC]

[SLOW DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]

GEORGIA: ♪ It's you or no one ♪

♪ For me ♪

♪ I'm sure of this ♪

♪ Each time we kiss ♪

♪ Now and forever ♪

♪ And when forever's done ♪

♪ You'll find That you are still ♪

♪ The one ♪

♪ Please don't say no ♪

♪ To my plea ♪

♪ 'Cause if you do ♪

♪ Then I'm all through ♪

♪ There's this about you ♪

♪ My world's an empty world ♪

♪ Without you ♪

♪ It's you or no one ♪

♪ For me ♪

[SNIFFLING]

It's magic.

You know, that's a mighty dangerous song.

And this night isn't helping any, either.

It's one for the books.

Just like they said in the folder.

They didn't leave anything out tonight.

Breeze, moon, stars.

And all working overtime.

Makes a man feel--

[SIGHS]

Wants a woman in his arms.

And...vice versa.

If only you weren't married.

How I wish I could tell you I wasn't.

How easy it would be if you weren't married.

I'd take you in my arms.

Like how? Like this.

Then what?

On your lips I'd-- I'd plant a kiss.

Such as?

But then, you have a husband.

And you have principles.

Elvira. Yes, Peter?

There's something I've gotta do. I can't help myself.

Well, if you can't help yourself,

you can't help yourself.

I gotta send a cablegram.

[SIGHS]

Another radiogram to be sent at once.

Send that one collect too.

You'll let me know how it comes out, won't you?

[PEOPLE CHATTERING, FOGHORN BLOWING]

Mrs. Kent, a message from Mr. Farrar.

I have a message for you from Mr. Virgil.

I'm first. Mr. Farrar would like you

to join him at the Flambio for dinner.

That's my message.

Mr. Virgil said he had to go ashore to make a call

and would you please meet him at the Flambio?

Flambio?

Flambio. The Flambio.

♪ In Trinidad, in Trinidad ♪

♪ The women are good But the liquor is bad ♪

♪ In Trinidad, in Trinidad ♪

♪ The women are good But the liquor is bad ♪

May we sing you a song, sir?

Not about a good woman. There's no such thing.

Run when you see a pretty woman.

Ah, but when you sing calypso,

you don't say, "when you see a pretty woman."

When you see a pretty wo-man.

[IMITATES ACCENT] When you see a pretty wo-man?

That's right. You sing, we'll follow you.

What can I lose that I haven't already lost?

[WITH ACCENT] ♪ Run, run, run ♪

♪ When you see a pretty woman ♪

♪ Run, run, run ♪

♪ When you see a pretty woman ♪

♪ Love is the common enemy ♪

♪ The moon and the stars Are the artillery ♪

♪ When they attack You'll find there's no retreat ♪

♪ You will lose your heart Unless you use your feet ♪

♪ Oh, run, run, run ♪

♪ When you see a pretty woman ♪

♪ Run, run, run ♪

♪ When you see a pretty woman ♪

♪ I knew a girl Whose kiss was warm ♪

♪ I never thought that it could Do me harm ♪

♪ There never was a better girl Like her ♪

♪ But her husband Was professional wrestler ♪

♪ Oh, run, run, run ♪

♪ When you see a pretty woman ♪

♪ Run, run, run ♪

♪ When you see a pretty woman ♪

♪ Woman say come in Out of rain ♪

♪ More better you stay out In the hurricane ♪

♪ You catch a cold But it is worth the pain ♪

♪ Better off catch cough Than catch a ball and chain ♪

ALL: ♪ Oh, run, run, run ♪

♪ When you see a pretty woman ♪

ALL: ♪ Run, run, run ♪

♪ When you see a pretty woman ♪

♪ Tropical heat is very bad ♪

♪ Has played dirty trick On many nice young lad ♪

♪ The brain go flip The heart is go flip-flop ♪

♪ Woman blow you kiss And then you blow your top ♪

ALL: ♪ Oh, run, run, run ♪

♪ When you see a pretty woman ♪

♪ Run, run, run ♪

♪ When you see a pretty woman ♪

♪ Run, run, run ♪

Oh, I beg your pardon. I'm sorry.

I didn't see you coming back there.

Go in after me. After you.

I insist. Please.

All right, thank you. Thank you.

You on the same boat?

Yeah, the Southern Queen.

Ah.

[BAND PLAYING CALYPSO MUSIC]

Good evening. What is your pleasure?

A double. A double what?

Double anything.

And you, sir?

The same.

Ahh. Women.

I agree with you 100 percent.

They're a bad influence on a man.

Not only that, but they're habit-forming.

You know, I can't think

of one single good thing to say about them.

That's a mighty smooth drink.

[WHISTLES]

Another.

Me too. Only this time make mine a triple.

A triple, sir. Very good.

Who was it, said you can't live with them or without them?

Probably the same guy who said more truth than poetry

and I wouldn't care to meet either of them.

The cause of all human suffering, you know.

To think that we gave up a perfectly good rib.

And not that they appreciate it.

What does yours look like?

Well...

Funny, mine looks exactly the same.

Yeah? I drink to your woman.

I drink to yours.

One more for me.

I likewise.

I'm beginning to feel two those drinks.

Me too. I should have had something to eat.

Yeah, that's always a good idea.

Is yours a blonde too?

This season. I've loved her as a brunette,

a brownette and a redhead.

A little peroxide will never come between us.

[LAUGHS]

[SLURRING] Speaking about figures,

curves?

[SLURRING] Curves?

When you put your arm around her waist,

you gotta go into second. Heh.

What color are her eyes?

Well, I never could tell.

Every time I look into them I get dizzy.

My experience, exactly.

Hey, we could be talking about the same girl.

What's your girl's name?

Georgia. Georgia Garrett.

Georgia Garrett.

Oh, no, that's a different girl.

Mine's gonna go be here any minute.

I want you to meet her.

PETER: Mine will be here too.

I bet they'll like each other at first sight.

OSCAR: While waiting, what do you say we have another drink?

Just the thing. Yes, sir.

Fill 'em up again, bartender.

That is a wonderful suggestion.

I came through, didn't I?

Boy, you can say that again.

I come through. Yes, sir.

Of course, the rub is that mine's married.

How about yours, is yours a Mrs.?

At the moment. Ah.

I don't know about you,

but I'm really getting a little high.

So am I.

I don't know what he puts in those drinks,

but he's really won me over.

Dare we try another?

Second the motion.

[BOTH WHISTLE]

BARTENDER: Coming right up.

Oh, waiter.

Yes, miss.

Do you see those two gentlemen

sitting at the far end of the bar?

Yes, miss. Would you be so kind

and give them these messages?

Thank you.

BARTENDER: Here you are, gentlemen.

PETER: Keep the change. Thanks.

I'm not leaving till I get this recipe.

Excuse me. The lady send this.

The lady send this.

What do you know, she's standing me up.

Yeah? Well, shake hands.

Mine isn't coming down either.

I'll show her.

I've got a good mind to catch a plane to New York.

Maybe I ought to go to New York myself.

I'm certainly not doing any around good here.

You mind if I go with you?

Have you got the price of two tickets?

Oh, I got better than that.

In that case, be my guest.

Steady, steady, steady.

They'll never let us on that plane if we're drunk.

You know, these slanting floors will never be popular.

[♪]

Peter. Peter.

Good morning, Mr. Virgil, it's 9:15.

Lovely day, temperature normal.

Hey, you've had your beauty rest. Come on, get--

Excuse me, are you looking for the gentleman?

Do you know where Mr. Virgil is?

He didn't return to the ship, madam.

We received a radiogram from him and Mr. Farrar.

Mr. Farrar too. Yes, madam.

They said they were taking a plane to New York

and would we please forward their baggage.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Oh. Thank you.

Thank you, madam.

[SOBS]

[♪]

ATTENDANT: Fasten your safety belts, please.

Fasten your safety belts, please.

Sorry, sir, but will you fasten your safety belt, please?

Yeah, sure.

We're landing in Rio in a few minutes.

What? Where did you say? Rio.

Hey, Peter, wake up. Yeah?

Wake up. What?

Hey, one thing I'll say about that Trinidad liquor.

Not a sign of a hangover.

Well, maybe this will bring it on.

That stewardess says we're landing in Rio.

Rio? Ha.

She's probably just not used to flying.

Would you mind looking out the window?

[♪]

Did you ask for tickets to New York?

I certainly did. In my best Spanish too.

But the official language in Trinidad is English.

Oh?

Do you suppose that had anything to do with it?

[WHISTLING]

These from the passengers on the Southern Queen?

No, there is another car coming.

Cigarette?

Be my guest if it doesn't run into too much dough.

Here. After you.

Thank you.

Hm.

Hey, we can check right now. Here's a bulletin board.

Due today, Southern Queen.

We better get down and claim our baggage

before they ship it back to New York.

Yeah. Well, look, you go, will you?

My girl's onboard.

She'll think I'm running after her.

My girl's onboard too.

Let's make 'em both suffer. Calling Mr. Virgil.

Hey. Calling Mr. Virgil.

Hey, Virgil, that's me.

Pardon, Mr. Virgil,

there is a phone call for you from New York.

You can take it on a house phone here.

New Yo--

New York?

Tell them to transfer

my unemployment insurance down here.

PETER: Hello?

Hello? Hello, Virgil?

Uh-- Uh-- Uh... Uh-huh.

Well? What's happened?

Well, how have you been? How's the weather up there?

Listen, I didn't call you 5000 miles to discuss the weather.

As a matter of fact, it's a very nice day here.

That's funny, it's a nice day here too.

Never mind that. Why haven't you called me in all this time?

Well, that's-- That's because

I didn't want to give you the bad news.

Bad news? What's the bad news?

Hold on for a minute.

Something new has just developed.

Elvira.

Peter.

Hello? Hello?

I don't know what to say--

How silly for you to try to run away.

Think of the time we've wasted.

It took me those few days to make me realize

that you don't really love your husband.

Not another word about my husband.

Would it be wrong if I said I loved you?

It would be wrong if you didn't.

Aren't you going to introduce me?

Darling.

Always thinking of your own selfish pleasures.

I'll try the other shoulder. Hm? Huh.

Oh, darling,

this is my boon drinking companion, Oscar Farrar.

Oscar, this is Elvira Kent.

How do you do, Mr. Farrar.

You can't imagine my feelings at meeting you.

In that case, try to imagine mine.

[CHUCKLES]

[BOTH LAUGH]

Say Oscar, is she anything like your girlfriend?

You mean Georgia?

Oh, no, not at all.

Well, I have to phone down about the baggage.

Phone? Oh, excuse me.

Oh, thanks, Oscar.

Do you get the feeling you're growing away from me?

You're a peach. Thank you.

I'm used to that.

Hello, Mr. Kent.

Virgil, what took you so long?

Believe me, it was all in the line of duty.

Listen, Virgil, what's been happening with my wife?

Plenty.

Well-- Well, tell me.

I-- I'm a grown man. How bad is it?

Pretty bad. I'm a grown man too and I hope it gets worse.

This connection must be bad.

I can't understand what you're babbling.

But whatever it is, do something to stop her.

Oh, I'm going crazy here.

Mr. Kent, I've been taking your money under false pretenses.

I'd advise you to give me my two weeks notice.

Goodbye.

Huh?

[BUZZES]

Yes, Mr. Kent?

Miss Medwick, get me my broker.

Call Randall.

I want to check the change in the routine shipping report.

Also get the wire that came yesterday

concerning the Canadian merger.

Anything new, Humphrey? No, ma'am.

It all looks very businesslike and proper to me.

Oh. Uh, let-- Let me for a minute.

E-Excuse me.

Mm-hm.

Oh, he's talking to her.

So sh-she's going out of the room

without even looking backward.

Uh, you can go to lunch, Humphrey.

After all these weeks,

you'd think he'd give her a pinch or a pat.

On the shoulder, I mean.

Uh, you sound disappointed that he hasn't.

I think I'll see what else is happening.

Wait-- Wait a minute. You know, it's very irritating.

Here I give up a perfectly wonderful cruise

to trap my husband and what happens? Nothing.

Just goes to show you can't trust men.

And that girl that's having a perfectly wonderful time

under my name,

I haven't heard a thing from her in days.

Who knows what's going on there.

Just goes to show you can't trust women either.

The best thing you can do, Elvira,

is to get on the first plane to Rio.

What for?

Then you can phone Michael to join you

and you can take the boat back together.

Half a cruise with a whole husband

is better than no cruise with no husband.

Maybe you're right. Come on, let's go.

Oh, and this one too.

You know what to do while I'm gone.

Yes. The car is downstairs.

Your bags are in it.

Thank you. I'll be right with you.

Get some new displays pushing hair tonic and triple malts.

Yes. Miss Medwick, pack those too.

Now, if anything comes up, wire me at the Hotel Atlantico.

Yes, sir. Here's your briefcase.

Thank you. And bon voyage.

We'll all miss you. Thank you.

Hello. Where have you been?

I was seeing a lady friend of mine off at the airport.

Well, you can see me off too. I'm leaving for Rio.

Rio--? Rio--? When? Immediately.

I have a chartered plane waiting.

I-is that as fast as going by regular airlines?

Much faster. I want to get there as soon as possible.

Mi-- Michael, you have company. I am going with you.

Oh, Michael...

[PIANO PLAYING ATONAL MUSIC]

Good, good, good. But I'm not interested.

What can I do with that type of music in my show?

Mr. Plinio, take my advice,

as one musician to another, you need me.

Mr. Farrar, as one businessman to another,

I can't afford you, You can't afford me?

Why, money is of the utmost indifference to me.

All I want is a chance to play.

That's not the point.

I'm spending a fortune to redecorate this place,

so I can reopen in time for the Carnival.

And to get my investment back, I need an attraction.

A real attraction.

I need someone with a name.

What do you think my mother gave me, a number?

Let me play it again.

Very generous of you, but I can't use it.

That's what I admire about you. You have such an open mind.

GEORGIA: ♪ The stars Desert the skies ♪

Maybe you'd like it better if I set lyrics to it.

Shh.

♪ And rush to nestle In your eyes ♪

♪ It's magic ♪

I wish those amateurs would stop interfering

with a serious musician.

♪ Without a golden wand Or mystic charms ♪

Say, I know that voice.

♪ Fantastic things begin ♪

♪ When I am in your arms ♪

♪ When we walk hand in hand ♪

She not only sounds good, she looks good.

Take it from me, that girl has all sorts of talent.

Do you want to sign her up?

She could be the finest singer in the world,

but if she hasn't got a name...

What do you mean, she has no name?

Why, that's Mrs. Elvira Kent,

one of the classiest society dames in New York.

Mrs. Elvira Kent?

Why, when she came out, she made all the other debutantes

look like social climbers.

A society singer. That's right, and very talented.

That could be something new around here.

Want me to talk to her? Oh, no, no.

You wouldn't know how to handle an important lady like that.

I'll-- I'll talk to her.

Mrs. Kent, you will not be angry with me?

Why should I be angry with you?

Well, I-- I was about to offer you a contract

to sing in my Casino Room.

I beg your pardon?

I knew you would be offended,

but it's a good proposition.

A thousand dollars a week.

A thousand bucks--? Dollars. For me?

Of course, it's obviously nothing

for a lady in your position but, uh,

if I said a thousand, I can say 2500.

Are you kidding? Once you say 2500,

it's not difficult to say 5000.

After you pay your taxes here and in United States,

it will cost you very little.

I'll tell you what I'll do, Mr. Plinio.

I'll sing for you for a thousand a week.

What? But not as Elvira Kent.

Oh!

Well, suppose I took another name. Any name.

Let's say Georgia Garrett, for instance.

What's wrong with that? Listen, honeybunch,

if you use a name like Georgia Garrett

and sang like an angel even,

I could still shoot llamas in the balcony.

But if I had Mrs. Elvira Kent-- Did I say 5000? I mean seven.

Okay. I'll do it.

Wonderful. Wonderful. It's no accident

that I happen to have the contract right with me.

Ah-ha. What a coincidence. Here.

Señora, I predict that you are going to be

the greatest attraction I ever had.

I know she will. Thank you.

I'm only sorry that your husband will not be here to see you.

Oh, I'm so sorry too, but he's such a busybody.

Uh, well, goodbye. See you later.

Goodbye. [SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

How do you do? Oh, how do you do, sir?

Can you tell me where I can find Mr. Peter Virgil?

Mr. Peter Virgil? Yes.

I believe you'll find him in the Casino Room.

Thank you. I-- I stay here and register.

Where's the house telephone?

Uh, you may use this phone right here.

Mrs. Michael Kent, please.

Ahem. Mrs. Michael Ken--

Thank you, but what's the number.

314.

Why don't you go up and rest for awhile.

I'm not tired. Just excited and happy.

Yeah, but by tonight you'll be slaphappy.

You're not used to this professional grind.

Take the advice of an old trouper.

While you can, go upstairs and catch 40 winks.

I'll need 80 now. [CHUCKLES]

Pardon me.

[SIGHS]

Mr. Kent. I didn't know that you were coming down here.

After that double-talk telephone conversation,

where did you expect me to be?

I'm kind of glad you did come down.

I want to explain the problem I'm facing.

All you need to explain is the meaning of this.

Oh, that just means

that your wife has a wonderful voice, that's all.

My wife has a terrible voice, and that's not all.

I didn't pay you to let her sing in a nightclub.

I was hired to shadow your wife.

I mean, to stop her from singing would have been extra.

Oh! What about that man? That other man?

Well, I, uh...

I've almost finished a complete written report, Mr. Kent.

I don't want a written report, I want my wife.

Where is she?

Uh, well, uh, she's around somewhere.

Oh, she's around somewhere.

A fine detective you are.

No, I'm gonna do the decent thing.

Your wife is in her room, Mr. Kent. Go to her.

What?

Maybe it was just being away.

Maybe she does really still love you.

Maybe it was the tropical skies.

Maybe it was just--

Maybe you can tell me what you're raving about.

I don't know. You what?

I mean, it hurts too much to talk about it.

Go to her, Mr. Kent.

It's the best thing for everybody.

[BLOWS]

Mrs. Michael Kent, she is not in her room.

I just saw Mrs. Kent step into the elevator.

Oh, the elevator. Yes.

Where you going?

Nowhere.

Say, what's the matter with you?

Mrs. Michael Kent's room, please.

Is Mrs. Kent expecting you?

What difference does that make? I'm Mr. Kent.

Oh. Oh! Heh.

Uh, Room 314.

Thank you. Come on. You're welcome.

I said, come on. Good, good, good.

Uh, I was going off duty in 10 minutes,

but I think I'll stay.

Michael, I-- I think it's better you go alone.

I don't want to spoil your nice reunion.

Going up, sir? Yes. All right, uncle.

Hello?

[SPEAKING IN PORTUGUESE]

Yes?

Darling, I want to--

[GASPS]

Oh, I-- I beg your pardon.

I-- I must be in the wrong room.

Really? If it was the right room,

that's no way to open the door.

Yes, you're so right.

I-- I'm so sorry.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Would you like to play a little three-handed gin?

That's all I need.

GEORGIA: Come in.

Say, you gave me the wrong room number.

My wife isn't in 314.

I'm sorry, but she is, Mr. Kent.

Oh, but there's a strange girl up there.

You'd better look it up again.

314 is correct, Mr. Kent.

Heh! Rio is getting more like Paris everyday.

Don't be so excited.

Now, let me get this straight. You mean Mr. Kent is here?

That's right. Your husband.

If we have a fourth, we can play bridge.

Shut up, Oscar. I've got to think.

You have no time to think. You must leave immediately.

What's the matter? Bec-- Shut up, Oscar.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Michael. Come, come, come.

GEORGIA: Me and my ambition to travel.

[KNOCKING CONTINUES]

Darling.

Darling, it's me, Michael.

Who are you and what do you want?

Isn't this Room 314? That it is.

Well, isn't this Mrs. Michael Kent's room?

Do I look like a Mrs. Michael Kent?

I must be dreaming. I--

Well, uh--

Wasn't there a woman in this bed five minutes ago?

I'm no blabbermouth. Get out or--

All right, excuse me. I'm sorry.

It must have been that plane trip I took.

My goodness, it's getting so that a man isn't safe

around here at Carnival time.

Now, run along. Run along. All right, I'm sorry.

It was my mistake. I didn't mean any trouble by it.

What are we gonna do now? He's sure to find out.

First put on some decent clothes. I'll start packing.

That's right. I-- I will help you, darling. Come, come.

Mr. Lazlo!

I take off my glasses. Come, come.

Ooh!

Oh.

What is the number of Mrs. Michael Kent's room?

314. Who, may I ask, is calling?

Mrs. Michael Kent, and I'll be back.

What if there is bloodshed in 314?

We're going to do the whole third floor over anyhow.

[CLEARS THROAT]

I'm checking out.

Is there something wrong? Yeah. Everything.

Mr. Virgil. What's the matter?

I'm going crazy. I'm going insane.

I can't find my wife. She's disappeared.

She probably just couldn't face you.

For heaven's sake, what's this all about?

I might as well tell you the truth.

Mr. Kent, I've fallen in love with your wife.

You what? And she's in love with me.

What? The only thing I'm ashamed of...

is it was on your time.

Virgil. Peter Virgil, you're fired.

Your bill, Mr. Virgil.

Oh, Mrs. Kent.

A fine job you've done for me.

So I'm going to sing tonight, am I?

Excuse me. It seems I'm caught between two bags.

[GASPS]

Oh, and I see the way you've taken care of my reputation!

Uncle Lazlo, you too?

Yes, me too.

Well, I am surprised.

You are-- You are not surprised yet.

You will be surprised when I tell you

that Michael is here too.

What?

Yes. Oh, what am I gonna do?

I have a wonderful idea.

We will tell him that--

It's not good. No.

I just want to find out who's in that bed now, that's all.

Darling!

Oh, so you finally made it?

Oh, Michael, I'm so glad you came.

It's been so lonely without you.

That's not the way I heard it.

Oh, I know all about your little escapades.

This Peter Virgil you think you're in love with

happens to be a private detective.

I hired him to shadow you.

Everything you've done has been reported to me.

That's a lie. How do you do?

Peter Virgil is not a detective

and he hasn't met your wife. You're back!

You can't deny there's something between you and Virgil.

He confessed everything to me just before he checked out.

Checked out? Oh, I gotta go!

Say, what has she got to do with this?

[DOOR CLOSES] Michael, if--

Elvira, you'd better tell me. Tell me.

Michael, I can't-- [CRASH]

A-ha!

[GASPS]

Who are you? What are you doing here?

Don't you think we've been seeing too much of each other?

Elvira, what's the meaning of this?

Uncle! Why are you hiding in the closet?

I-- I will-- I will tell you.

It's awful. There is such a hurly-burly in this Rio.

I was happy to find a quiet place.

Quiet place?

[BAND PLAYING FESTIVE MUSIC]

[INAUDIBLE]

[INAUDIBLE]

Well, you're not gonna sing and that's final.

Well, shout all you want to.

They paid to see Mrs. Elvira Kent,

and that's who they'll see.

Oh, no, they're not.

But, Michael, it'll be fun.

Why, I sang for the Milk Fund benefit, didn't I?

Yes, and for two years after that

everyone was drinking their coffee black.

But, Oscar, the contract is illegal.

I said I was Elvira Kent.

But you had Mrs. Kent's permission to use her name.

They can ask her.

Please, Oscar, let's forget it.

No, you've gotta do it for the sake of your country.

If Elvira ever gets out there to sing,

she'll set the Good Neighbor policy back 20 years.

I suppose if I'm lucky,

they'll take me back at the Club Casa.

Five shows nightly at 40 a week.

And I can go back to haunting the travel bureau,

piling up literature on places I'll never see.

Maybe if I'm very lucky,

I'll meet a man who won't just pretend to be in love with me

because it's his job.

Who are you to complain?

If Peter's a phony that makes two of you.

You two should be very happy together.

The only thing is, he left thinking I was Elvira Kent.

Now I'll never know how he feels about Georgia Garrett.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Why, Mr. Virgil, I thought you went back to the States.

I was going, but I didn't.

I beg your pardon, sir?

Can I help it if I can't help it?

Yes, sir. Waiter, table for Mr. Virgil.

This way, sir.

[FESTIVE MUSIC CONTINUES]

[INAUDIBLE]

[MUSIC ENDS]

[APPLAUSE]

And now, it is my great pleasure

to introduce to you

the star of our show.

The beautiful New York society lady

who will charm you with her singing.

Mrs. Elvira Kent.

[APPLAUSE]

ELVIRA: Just a moment, please.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I came here tonight with every intention of singing for you,

but first, I'd like you to hear from a very good friend of mine.

She's a girl who dreamt for years

of visiting your beautiful country

and always wanted the chance to sing in a glamorous place

before a distinguished audience.

Will you give her that chance?

Thank you very much.

Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Georgia Garrett.

[APPLAUSE]

[PLAYING SONG INTRO]

♪ You sigh, the song begins ♪

♪ You speak and I hear violins ♪

♪ It's magic ♪

♪ The stars desert the skies ♪

♪ And rush to nestle In your eyes ♪

♪ It's magic ♪

♪ Without a golden wand ♪

♪ Or mystic charms ♪

♪ Fantastic things begin ♪

♪ When I am in your arms ♪

♪ When we walk hand in hand ♪

♪ The world becomes A wonderland ♪

♪ It's magic ♪

♪ How else can I explain Those rainbows ♪

♪ When there is no rain? ♪

♪ It's magic ♪

♪ Why do I tell myself ♪

♪ These things that happen Are all really true? ♪

♪ When in my heart I know ♪

♪ The magic is my love ♪

♪ For you ♪

[CROWD CHEERING]

[BAND PLAYING FESTIVE MUSIC]

Oh, it's magic.

It sure is.

Oh! A fine detective I turn out to be.

I didn't do so well as a married woman either.

You need practice.

[♪]

[♪]