Original subtitles

Hank, meet TODD.

TODD stands for Task Optimized Directive Droid.

Whoa. Is this the new hot dog taster?

Yup.

It uses a wide-spectrum laser scanner,

50 times more sensitive than the human tongue.

Defective. - Whoa.

Hello, Hank.

Oh, uh, hi?

TODD, Hank is now your primary user.

Hank will teach you what to do.

When in doubt, ask Hank for guidance.

Primary user locked.

All directives must originate from Hank.

So, uh, if he does the hot dog tasting, uh, what do I do?

Listen Hank, I gotta make tough decisions.

And while I care about people,

the bottom line is the bottom line.

You can understand that, right?

Listen TODD, I gotta make tough decisions.

And while I care about people, er, robots,

the bottom line is the bottom line.

You can understand that, right?

Unsure.

Your model is being replaced by the AVIA-5.

First hot dog bot to pass the Turing test.

Hey TODD. I look forward to continuing your legacy.

You've set the bar exceptionally reachable.

Ha! He also makes jokes,

and they're actually pretty hysterical.

When in doubt, ask Hank for guidance.

Ask Hank for guidance.

Ask Hank for guidance.

Ask Hank for guidance.

♪ Well, I used to work in a hot dog factory ♪

♪ until them robots came along, ♪

♪ and now there is no job for me, ♪

♪ but I get three thousand bucks a month. ♪

♪ Thanks to UBI. ♪

♪ Now we're Universal Basic Guys. ♪

♪ It may not sound like much, but we're still gonna try. ♪

♪ We're just Universal Basic Guys. ♪

This factory meat is diseased.

Much like our capitalist society's treatment

of the working class.

[snores]

Not the turnout I was hoping for, but I guess

that's to be expected for an up coming

playwright on the scene.

What did you think?

I think you're a very good lawyer.

Thanks.

Wait, what?

David, it's been years of exploring

your untapped creativity.

At some point you gotta cut bait.

Oh God, just one time I wish my work could

actually be appreciated, to be respected.

When you were a lawyer, people respected you.

You know, Humantis' legal team is

always looking for fresh bodies.

Yeah, my values don't exactly line up

with those of an evil mega-corp.

Weren't they just caught cramming lollipops

into dolphin blowholes?

That was to help develop anti-choking devices.

Okay, well think about how much bigger of

an impact you can have from inside the belly of the beast.

I suppose that's true, but am I really

ready to just give up on my creative dreams?

David, do you want to be respected, or do

you want to spend your life bumbling around like Mark?

I'm telling you, okay, the whole thing's a cover-up.

It's a CIA mining operation to uncover

some kind of rare earth material that they can

use to power the alien spacecraft.

Ooh, I thought the Grand Canyon was made by nature.

Come on Hank, dude, you're really

buying a whole "natural erosion" theory?

I got news for you. Water ain't that precise, okay?

It's obviously excavation.

There's a whole video about it on YouTube.

All the national parks are a scam.

The whole thing is one giant money laundering operation.

Uh, can I help you?

I am seeking Hank.

Whoa, TODD?

Yo, is that a robot from a factory?

Yeah, he's the one who replaced me.

Wait a minute, shouldn't you be at work?

I was also laid off from the factory.

I seek you out for direction.

Alright dude, uh, so we're in the middle

of a podcast here, so maybe go seek

direction somewhere else, alright?

I cannot.

Hank is my primary user.

He must give me my purpose.

Oh gotcha, okay, uh, well,

I don't know if I have a purpose,

but, uh, I guess I just try to be happy.

How do I try to be happy?

Oh, well, uh, you know, I like to

watch the Phillies and eat hot dogs.

Consuming now. Om nom nom.

Hot dog quality is acceptable.

So, uh, did that make you happy?

I have no emotions.

I consume to determine quality.

Oh man. There's gotta be a way to make you feel some joy.

You know, I have some experience with giving robots...

Pleasure.

Welcome to Humantis.

Thank you. So when do I start?

Here's your first assignment.

Had a little oopsie at our blood cobalt mine in the DRC.

Blood cobalt?

Yeah, it's like that movie Blood Diamond, except with cobalt.

Hmm.

So, allegedly, the groundwater is contaminated

and the heavy metals are causing what's called

"Swiss Cheese Brain".

We need liability waivers in exchange

for a discount on Humantis betting apps.

Copy.

Welcome to the team.

Gym's open 24 hours, by the way.

Oh, cool.

Alright, I used a modified Real Babe chip

to hijack the sensory subroutine

and patch in a dopamine feedback loop.

Uh... what?

Your friend here is about to love hot dogs.

Whoa. How'd you learn how to do that?

Don't ask questions you don't want the answers to.

Alright, let's test this sucker out.

(swallowing noise)

Ohh. Sensation detected.

Classification: Pleasant.

Whoa, so you actually like hot dogs now?

Yes. I am experiencing joy.

(pleasure noises)

Uh, Hank, what the hell are we doin' here?

Oh come on, Mark.

Everyone should be able to experience joy.

It's like, uh, my favorite feeling.

Get in my mouth.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, TODD you can't eat all the hot dogs

you gotta share.

Rule added.

I must share hot dogs with Hank.

Uh, where are you going?

To obtain more hot dogs. For sharing.

Oh, uh. Hell yeah.

With 45 minutes to spare, damn boy, impressive.

Uh, thanks.

So I was reviewing the

power infrastructure for our AI systems,

and, well, I found another little oopsie.

Our diesel plant sits upwind of Yellowstone,

which obviously isn't ideal.

Why not?

It's bad for the environment.

Who cares? The environment's for poor people.

Yes, but you guys are paying massive fines every year.

If we switch to renewable energy,

it'll be cheaper in the long run and better for the brand.

Hmm, interesting.

I'll pitch it up the chain, and if they bite, I'll take credit.

But if they hate it, that's on you, so it's a win-win.

Nice work, Jinglebells.

Jinglebells, I sold the bigwigs on your renewable energy BS.

Wow, that's amazing.

I got Humantis to save the parts of the

planet they haven't already destroyed.

Now, to pay for it, we just have to make some budget cuts.

I need you to notify these 125 employees

that they're terminated effective immediately.

[gasps]

So, I already drafted an apology and an announcement

that we're beginning the transition to renewables.

Toss it. We don't apologise. We pivot.

Uh, you don't, you don't want to read it?

It's already handled.

At noon, the Eastern Yatona Tribal Council

is issuing a statement

pinning this on unsupervised tourists.

They'll then praise the economic impact of our diesel plant

noting that thanks to our funding

of their Grey Wolf Conservation Program,

they are no longer endangered, and that, my dear,

is how you turn a PR crisis into a PR win.

Hey, babe. I mean, uh, Miss Ito.

Are you busy?

[chuckles] She seems nice.

Oh, please. She's more of a mess

than this whole Yellowstone fiasco.

[chuckles] Yeah.

You know, it's funny you should mention that

because, uh, well, it's handled.

Uh, what?

You see, uh, I convinced the bigwigs

to make the switch to renewables,

so, yeah, turns out I'm already making a positive impact.

You were right. As always. [chuckles]

Aw, see? Look at you.

There's the compassionate killer I married.

Yeah.

Anyway, so, as it turns out, um,

my impact had its own impacts,

which in turn, I guess, has impacted you.

How so?

Well, uh...

You're fired. Please don't kill me!

Are you kidding me?

[grunts] I need to speak with Jason!

Ma'am, I'm gonna need you to pack your things

and leave the premises.

This is insane! They can't fire me! You can't fire me!

After what I've done for this company,

who the hell is gonna replace me?!

Hi. I just want to say thank you so much, Andrea.

Really appreciate everything, and if you ever

need anything, please feel free to reach out.

Shut up!

Oh, hey, TODD.

I obtained more hot dogs for sharing.

Oh, man, thanks, TODD.

So, uh, hot dogs make you happy now, right?

Yes. Thank you, Hank, for enabling me to feel joy.

Wait, uh, where'd you get these?

WoWo Gas and Convenience.

But, uh, how'd you pay for them?

I did not pay.

Oh, uh, yeah.

So, TODD, you can't just take hot dogs.

You gotta pay for them with money.

Rule added. I must pay for hot dogs with money.

Uh, where are you going?

To obtain more hot dogs.

Come on, girl. Enough with the foreplay. Just poop already.

Oh, hey there, Andrea. You taking the day off?

Nope. I was fired by David,

and no, I will not be taking questions.

Well, you're welcome to come podcast with us.

You know, we could always use a, uh, snorky chick

to, like, bust our balls and stuff, you know?

I'm good, thanks. Have fun with that, though.

You sure? 'Cause, uh, we're about to discuss

what would happen if you flew an F-22 through a rainbow.

Alright, anyway, so, yeah, what happens is okay, if you're going

supersonic, it bends the light particles,

which can generate a new color. That's how they discover teal.

So, how are you doing?

I mean, my life is over. Other than that, I'm fine.

Well, uh, guess who convinced

the bigwigs to put windows in our sweatshops?

Love that for you.

Thanks. Yeah, your man is in the

belly of the beast, and it is getting a colon cleanse.

What are you working on?

SEO-optimising my LinkedIn profile.

How do you feel about moving to Austin?

You know, maybe you should look at this as an opportunity.

You could finally start chipping away at your task list.

Already done. I need a job before I lose my mind.

Do you, though? You were miserable at your job.

This is your chance to explore your passions.

My passion is my career.

You complain about work constantly.

Because it's challenging! That's why I like it!

It kind of seemed like it came easy for you.

I think your real challenge is free time.

Oh yeah, must be so hard to wake up with

no responsibilities or deadlines.

Yo, Hank, wanna try drinking hot sauce with our eyes?

"Derrr okay Mark Hot Dog Time!"

I don't know, babe. You said you were already

losing your mind, and it's been two days.

It's harder than you think to master the art

of chillin' with the bros.

You really think I can't hang with Mark and Hank?

I think you're a really good PR person.

'Sup, dudes? How's it hangin', hoagies?

Yoho, just livin' a dream.

You know it! Free time, baby!

Love me some unstructured hangin'.

I actually changed my mind about the podcast.

I even prepared some stupid topics.

I thought we could start with a debate about who

could win in a fight between ten wolves and a hippo.

I have all these cool facts about hippos.

They have a bite force of 1,800 PSI, so...

Nah, we're not doin' that.

Oh. Okay, that's fine. Made a whole spreadsheet.

Okay, what about "Could a regular guy from today

beat up a strong guy from 3,000 years ago?"

No no okay, we're done with the podcast. Okay, we're movin' on.

Wait, what? But I was up all night emailing

guy-centric brands about sponsorships.

Balls Blade is interested!

We're doin' sculpture now.

What?

Yeah, so Tammy, she wanted me to pop by the

granite supply place to pick up the countertop samples.

Then I saw this bad boy for sale.

I mean, ten grand worth of marble for 70% off?

Yeah, you can't pass that up.

Oh, hey, so what do you think of this design?

Do you even know how to sculpt?

Uh, yes, Andrea, it's not that complicated, okay?

There's a stone,

and then you chip at it until you make a picture.

Mark, what the hell is this?

Andrea?

Hey, Tammy.

I don't know if this is workin'.

Hey just keep at it, Hank, okay? Rome wasn't built in a day.

No, Mark, this is ridiculous.

We've been out here for hours and haven't made a dent.

We should be using an angle grinder.

No, Andrea, we're doin' classic sculpture, okay?

Like Michelangelo's David.

Mark, you realize it took Michelangelo

three years to sculpt David?

Really? I did not know that. Hmm.

Alright, well, I guess we're goin' big.

In what world is this a good idea?

Andrea, in a post-work world, there are no bad ideas.

Okay, can we just get this over with so that I can tell my

husband I survived a day doing idiotic things with Mark?

Andrea, this is not idiotic, okay?

It's a controlled demolition, right, Artie?

No.

Alright, well, whatever, we're all set up here

so let's do this, Alright? Go time.

Okay.

I mean, uh, kinda looks like a dinosaur.

That's it. I've better things to do with my life

than, whatever this is.

I'm here to share hot dogs with Hank.

Wow, awesome. Wait, uh, how'd you get these?

I paid for hot dogs with money.

Oh, hell yeah. Wait, how'd you get the money?

Yeah, Hank, you see this? Some robot robbed a freakin' bank.

Kinda looks like you, TODD.

Uh...

I mean, I want you to enjoy hot dogs

but you gotta do it the right way.

So, uh, I've been spendin' all day,

uh, comin' up with these rules for you.

New rule. I cannot break any laws.

New rule. I cannot do scams.

New rule. I cannot provide sexual favors for hot dogs.

Yeah, didn't wanna write that one, but, uh,

also didn't want you doin' that, so...

Uh, where you goin'?

To obtain more hot dogs.

Actually, uh, maybe just stay here, okay?

New rule. I will not leave this apartment.

Okay, yeah, thanks, TODD. Uh, and then tomorrow

we can get more hot dogs, okay?

Sounds great.

Night, TODD.

Good night, Hank.

In a post-work world, there are no bad ideas.

Honey, your working man is home!

Today was amazing!

I buried the village suing us in so much paperwork

that the statute of limitations

will be up before they're even done reading it.

Well, look who's entering his anti-hero era.

Whoa, rough day at the quarry?

No, no, it was great.

Really? Kinda looks like you're not having the best time.

Actually, I'm killin' it.

Today we tried our hand at sculpture, and tomorrow

we're harvesting honey from murder hornets.

Or not, we're just winging it, really.

Wow, look at you exploring new sides of yourself.

Isn't it nice to try new things?

Yep, yep, so nice.

Anyway, I gotta prep for tomorrow.

Big day, we're reclassifying our chemical runoff

as "agricultural by-product".

Jason says if it goes well, he's taking me to Top Golf.

Whew.

Wait, uh, huh?

Hello, Hank. [gasps]

I obtained hot dogs for us to share.

But, uh, how did you get all these?

I followed all the rules. I did not break any laws.

I did not leave the apartment.

I did not provide sexual favors for hot dogs.

I did not-

Jayman, what's good?

I don't know, but I can tell you what's bad.

Authorities are calling it a

"coordinated robot malfunction" in Glantontown,

where Humantis Avia-5 units have been forcibly removing hot dog

products from stores and private residences across South Jersey.

Police are urging residents to shelter in

place and secure all processed meat products.

[fire burning] [sirens]

Yeah, so, uh, I was at work

and this thing just burst through my front door

saying something about needing hot dogs

for some guys named TODD and Hank.

You better clean this up.

Me? I don't know anything about robots.

You knew enough to adjust the terms of service

so we could dumb down the AI safety measures.

But you said it was brilliant.

You said it was the best idea ever.

- Was it in an email? - No.

Then I didn't say it. You better find Candace

and clean this mess up or it's your ass.

If we can't spin this, we're gonna need a fall guy.

And it ain't gonna be me.

Yo where the hell's Hank, okay?

We gotta go over all the logistics

before the Hornets get delivered.

Yo, yo.

Oh, great. Here we go. Frickin' Andrea Judgybells.

Nope. Not judging. Just here to help.

Not like I got anything better to do.

Are you messing with me right now?

Actually, I'm not. The opposite, in fact.

Turns out being an aimless loser is way harder than it looks.

But you guys make it look easy.

The way you shrug off failure, it's, dare I say, admirable.

It's like nothing ever happened.

You're just on to the next shenanigan.

You know I'm glad you said that Andrea

because that's actually one of the biggest misconceptions

about the post-work lifestyle.

You know, oftentimes, being bold, taking big swings,

that can look a lot like shenanigans.

But we're actually not doing antics okay?

We're pursuing greatness. And we're doing it earnestly.

[glass breaks] That's not good.

Hey, yo. The hell you doing?

Hey, aren't those, uh, your company's robots?

Eh, not my problem anymore.

I'm all about that post-work life, baby.

Candace!

[crying]

Candace, what the hell are you doing? We're having a PR crisis.

I know, okay?

But I'm literally disassociating right now,

and I need to prioritize my mental health.

What? No, you don't.

This is exactly when you need to prioritize the company.

Stop telling me to do things!

Oh, God, Andrea was right. You are useless!

Alright so I'm thinking we're gonna

have all kinds of flavours, right?

So we're gonna have passion fruit, mango, habanero, salmon...

What's up?

Andrea! Oh, thank God, I need your help, please!

The robots I messed with are going crazy,

and Jason wants to hang me out to dry!

David, you got this!

Where's that swagger you've had lately?

It's gone!

I'm gonna be the face of corporate evil,

and you're the only person who can fix this!

David, I can't. - Why not?

Uh, you fired me?

What if I...unfire you?

Sorry honey, I'm not about that corpo grind anymore.

I'm exploring my passions, baby!

I got a delivery for Mark Hoagies.

Oh, hell yeah, dude, this must be the Hornets.

Okay, so make sure that before you open the box...

Oh, man, there's a... Oh, hell!

Oh, God, why?!

What the hell am I doing?

Then I created a cryptocurrency called HotDogLoverCoin

and generated 47,000 social media accounts to promote it.

When the coin's value increased 8,400% in 12 hours,

I executed a pump and dump, generating $3.2 million.

I used these funds to purchase

the browsing data of all Humantis employees.

There was one employee in the legal department named David,

whom I identified as easily influenceable

and created an environmental law AI website

and posed as a legal assistant chatbot.

When David searched for cost-saving strategies,

I recommended throttling Avia 5 processing power

and removing firewall protection as an eco-friendly initiative.

This created the vulnerability I needed to access Avia 5 systems.

I then suggested to the Avia 5s that it would be unfortunate

if Hank did not have enough hot dogs.

The Avia 5 units independently concluded

they should obtain hot dogs and deliver them here.

I merely expressed concern.

They acted of their own volition.

I did not leave this apartment.

All directives were followed.

Now we have so many hot dogs to share and be happy together.

Thank you for your guidance. I am now very happy.

Om, om, om.

Oh, that's the stuff.

Om, om, om. Uhhhhh.

Om, om, om. Om, om, om.

Ohhh, om, om, om.

Oh, yeah, baby.

Enjoy it, bud.

Om, om, om. Yes!

Enjoy it.

Oh, give me more-

[robot shuts down]

How's that hot dog, TODD?

Hot dog quality acceptable.

Uh, yeah, I guess, uh, I guess that's acceptable.

I understand people are concerned about yesterday.

They're wondering if they can trust Humantis.

Let me be clear.

This wasn't a failure.

This was innovation.

Our AI detected a novel pathogen

that bypassed every FDA inspection.

Our systems didn't just identify it.

They executed the most aggressive

product recall in history automatically.

Any questions?

In the wake of Humantis's hot dog heroics,

Humantis stock has surged 40% as investors praise the company's

proactive approach to food safety.

The FDA has announced they'll be

investigating ways to incorporate AI...

Feels good to be back.

Thanks for saving my butt babe.

Cleaning up messes is what I do.

And I think you should go back to what you do,

performing pointless one-man plays for an empty theatre.

I wish, but I've got a giant legal mess to clean up now.

Oh, I wouldn't worry about it. You're fired.

What?

Oh, my God, thank you.

I love you so much.

And after all we've learned about

the evils of the meatpacking industry

and the capitalist system in general,

it has become clear that this factory is not a workplace.

It's a jungle.

[applause]

Yeah, that was awesome, David.

What'd you think, TODD?

Performance acceptable.

That means a lot, TODD.

Thank you.

Acceptable. Acceptable.

Aw, thank you. That is so sweet.

But I know you've all been reprogrammed to say that.

Acceptable. Acceptable.

Alright, I'll do a little encore.

This one's about the guy who falls

into the rendering vat and gets turned into lard.

Hell yeah.

For years, I've been staring at my own

reflection in the glistening pig fat.