Original subtitles

Class, it's time for our standardized test

to see how well the school taught to the standardized test.

- [students groan] - Yes! I mean...

[groans]

You have 30 minutes

or however long it takes me to swipe through every guy

in this town I haven't already... met.

[pencil tapping]

[fingers tapping]

[tapping and whirring continue]

[groans]

[growls]

Huh?

[Lisa humming]

Huh?

[growls]

[grunting angrily]

Why does Hubert get to take the test in that paradise?

They turned my mop closet into a quiet room

for Hubert's unique needs.

What about Willie's unique need?

A quiet room to sob into his mop?

[Lisa] Hmm.

He also gets extra time.

Extra time?

Well, I guess if he needs it.

Although that means I'm getting less time than him.

We all want a level playing field, right?

Shouldn't I also get extra time?

Of course you should, lassie.

[sobbing]

I'm here for an assessment.

Looking to get extra time on tests?

No. As an intrepid psychonaut,

I yearn to explore the inner workings of my mind.

[receptionist] Hmm.

So what are we testing for?

She's not here for extra time.

It's a secondary motivation at best.

We'll be testing you for three neurological differences today.

Here's the first one. Go nuts.

Oops. I'm not supposed to say that word.

One of our crazy rules.

Ah, sorry, not supposed to say that either.

One of our crazy regulations.

Okay.

[Lisa reading]

♪ Book report, book report.♪

- [screaming] - Okay. Well, maybe I was a little fixated,

but nothing like Principal Skinner.

Principal Skinner, there's a fire!

♪ School budget, school budget.♪

Whatever this is testing for,

I think Principal Skinner has a lot of it.

[Lisa reading]

What the hell happened here, Seymour?

[stammers] I'm not sure.

I was working on the school budget, and, uh, now it's now.

"Now it's now" is the first thing you've said

that makes sense, and it doesn't even make sense.

You can take it up with the school board

when you speak to them this afternoon.

[gasps] The board?

[Lisa reading]

I respect a man who still uses a handkerchief.

It's not a handkerchief.

I was so nervous, I ripped out the lining of my pants pocket.

I see. This meeting is to discuss

the school budget you submitted.

Oh, no, you hated it. Was it the font?

Font Aficionadomagazine

said that Garamond was making a comeback.

Well, once we got past all those serifs,

the budget was exemplary.

In fact, we're giving you a promotion.

[gasps]

You're the new principal of Springfield High School.

High school? But I don't know anything about teenagers.

I'll have to read years ofTiger Beatto catch up.

We have every confidence in you.

Oh, I'm so honored, I'm shedding tears of joy.

Okay. Kids are just kids.

These ones just have cars, mustaches,

and strange clouds of vapor

emanating from their ballpoint pens.

[Lisa reading]

Good morning, Shauna.

[sarcastically] Oh, awesome.

My dad's flunky is our new principal.

Thank you. I'm happy to be here.

The students are going to love you.

They're totally not gonna slash your tires.

- [tire pops] - [air hisses]

Great. I won't turn around to check

what that hissing noise is, then.

Tuck in that shirt. Change that shirt.

Put on a shirt. Good God, not that shirt. Ugh!

[Lisa reading]

Novel problems require familiar solutions.

Detention slips at the ready.

♪ ♪

Welcome to Saturday detention.

For the next eight hours,

you're going to sit here quietly,

thus becoming the best versions of yourselves.

Say less.

Don't budget my verbiage.

"Say less" means "I get it."

I'm not sure I "say less" what you're saying,

but I'll take it up with Google tonight after my bath.

Ew.

I can't believe a brooding outsider like me

is stuck here with a jock, a princess,

a Kearney, and a brain.

I'm not a brain. I'm failing choir.

My dad's really mad.

I'm never gonna be like my old man.

He's 41 and losing his hair dots.

Teenage angst.

[grunts]

[Lisa reading]

I'm becoming overstimulated by this noisy environment.

What is the problem here?

I'm tired of having to act cool.

I'm tired of having to act uncool.

I'm tired of playing sports.

And I'm tired of dressing pretty.

Then stop doing those things.

[students] Don't tell us what to do.

[Lisa reading]

Well, you're all students, so education

is clearly your main priority,

and you're teenagers, so there's no sexual tension.

[both moaning]

I have a kid.

I just don't understand why you're fighting.

After you graduate, none of you will ever see each other.

High school doesn't matter.

The new principal is right.

This really is the best time of our lives.

I love you guys.

Ugh, that wasn't my point at all.

Detention isn't about learning lessons.

It's about sitting still and being unhappy.

But we've changed as individuals and as a group.

And maybe you have, too.

Nope. Change isn't my thing.

And neither is high school. I quit.

You can't leave us. You're the best principal we've ever had.

Say less. And I mean that literally,

not in your new weird way.

[Lisa reading]

♪ Don't you ♪

♪ Forget about me ♪

♪ Don't, don't, don't, don't.♪

Ready for section two, or do you need a break?

Is my answer part of the assessment?

[laughs] No.

We're not judging everything you do in this room.

Okay, then. I don't need a break.

Mm-hmm.

Hmm.

[Lisa reading]

Hmm... No.

But I'm related to someone who is.

[Homer] Huh?

Marge, I'm fat.

Homie, I don't care what you look like,

as long as you're healthy.

I didn't say I looked bad. Phone, how do I eat healthier?

Hmm.

From this moment on,

I'm focusing only on taking control of my health.

- [phone buzzes] - Ooh, a text from Lenny.

- [phone buzzes] - Ooh, a WhatsApp from Zutroy.

- [phone buzzes] - Ooh, a TikTok about sports mascot fails.

- [phone buzzes] - Ooh, a Silver Alert for Grampa.

- [phone buzzes] - Ooh, a pop-up meat sandwich restaurant.

Kids, get in the car.

We're getting meat sandwiches.

I thought you were gonna eat healthier.

We're doing what?

- [car horn honking] - [Homer imitating horn] Meat, meat! Meat!

[Bart groans]

Hmm? Ooh.

[puzzled grunting]

Wait. [laughs]

Hmm?

[puzzled grunting]

[giggles]

[Lisa reading]

Oh, this line is so long.

What's my brain supposed to do while we wait?

I'll get out my Homer toys.

♪ ♪

[groans] I need a bigger bag.

Finally.

Now, to look at the large posted menu for the first time.

[Lisa reading]

What to get? What to get?

[others groan]

Ooh, they have meat sandwiches.

Oh, come on, Big Dumb.

We know you're gonna order one of everything.

I want... [gasps] a turkey leg.

We waited in the sandwich line for over an hour.

We have to order something here.

Actually, we don't.

You're falling victim to the sunk cost fallacy.

I started reading a book about sunk costs and hated it,

but I had to finish because I needed to find out

what the fallacy was.

Uh...

Turkey leg!

[laughs] Whee!

[Lisa reading]

I should probably have a vegetable with this.

Aim for the ketchup tent.

Sir, it's not safe to throw you into a tent.

Just chuck me close. I'll bounce.

At least you're behaving yourself.

Because I'm on my meds. I remember the old days, though.

If only there were a way for Dad to medicate himself.

Oh, I love the honey taste of mead.

It's like when I was drunk and that beehive fell on me.

Leatherworking.

[gasps] I'm gonna make a belt.

All mine keep shrinking.

[family sighs]

Perfect fit. Now to stab the hole.

- [gasps] - [grunts]

Now that we've stayed in place for five minutes,

I can actually enjoy myself.

I've almost finished making myself a new bigger bag.

Thanks, Homie. Homie?

[Lisa reading]

- Out of the way, old man. - Aah!

Glassblowing. [gasps]

Jousting! [gasps]

[gags]

[screams]

[groans]

[coughs]

[gasps, giggles]

[panting]

[giggles] Ooh.

Come on, pointy head. Kill square head.

Go for the eye hole.

Do it for thy favor.

Dad, could we have some money to buy papal indulgences?

It's five dollars for partial remittance

but only $7.50 for a whole plenary.

Quiet, kids. Daddy's watching sports.

[Lisa reading]

Uh-oh.

- [groans] - [crowd gasps]

I'm gonna take him to the doctor.

I'm gonna dress up and steal people's change purses.

Mm-hmm.

Now remember, leave those leeches on

for at least a half an hour.

And if the dark humors return,

one of the women in your household is probably a witch.

[sighs] You've had a big day.

Maybe we should get back to the 21st century.

Sounds like witch talk.

A very good morrow's eve to you, fine sir.

I am Leonardo da Vinci.

Behold my astounding inventions.

[Lisa reading]

I painted theMona Lisa in the year...

Womp-wah, womp-womp-womp-wah.

And... womp-wah, womp-womp-wah, womp-wah.

Vitruvian. Womp-womp-womp-wah.

Da Vinci was truly the Renaissance's Renaissance man.

And this was his most spectacular invention,

the flying machine.

Alas, he never finished it. Flavin.

Some speculate that Da Vinci suffered from a form of ADHD.

Maybe I can finish his flying machine.

Finish? You?

Name one thing you finished

during this entire, endless, exhausting day. Or ever.

I finished caring about Da Vinci.

[scoffs] This whole Renaissance was a big waste of time.

Me and all the loot I looted are taking an Uber home.

Stop right there, cutpurse.

You just committed the worst of all Ren faire crimes:

breaking character.

Ye shall be consigned to the stocks

and have tomatoes thrown upon your personage. Yeah, ye.

They didn't even have tomatoes in Europe

during the Renaissance, and if they did,

people wouldn't be throwing them.

Calories were scarce.

- Lock this one up, too. - On what charge?

Uh, we can probably make heresy stick.

Who knows how many fortnights you'll be away? Take a snack.

I've got some string cheese in my new bag.

No outside food.

I feel a little bad for yelling at your father

for just being who he is.

Yeah. A day with Dad can be challenging,

but it's never boring.

But it's weird how many times we end up in stocks.

He might get distracted,

but your father never forgets about his family.

[gasps] Look, there he is.

I'm coming for you guys!

He's gonna rescue us.

Ooh, meat sandwich pop-up.

[Marge] Hmm?

I'm coming for you, meat!

That's it. I'm putting Ritalin in his doughnuts.

[Lisa reading]

Askew. Askew.

- Get out of my store, you vandal! - Aah!

[sighs]

Move that standee an inch to the left.

Caspershould be in the undead section.

Yoda straight needs to be.

Hmm. Our sales are down for some reason.

I think we need to improve the energy flow of the space.

In other words, extreme store makeover.

But there's-there's a reason that everything in this store

is arranged just so.

Why can't we find another arrangement

that's also pleasing?

[Lisa reading]

[Comic Book Guy] If she moves things out of place,

it will destroy the force field that protects the store.

But I can't let her know the truth,

so I must elevate my discourse.

Comic book store. Comic Book Guy.

End communication.

- [sighs] - Nailed it.

[groans]

Ooh, what have you done?

Something I should have done long ago--

put some plants in here.

Shields are down.

Must restore power.

[Lisa reading]

One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four. [panting] One. Two.

Three. Four.

Are you okay?

The force field protecting us, it's down.

What force field? Don't you see how much better

the flow of the energy is in the space?

Can't we just try it this way?

What's the worst that could happen?

[gasps]

[Lisa reading]

It feels like it would be bad.

What if, instead, we just put everything back the way it was?

[sighs] Mm-hmm.

That feels like it would be bad to me.

Oh, my Zod. Do you also think your actions

are causing and preventing disasters?

- Tsunami. - Meteor.

I've always known you're obsessive-compulsive.

The way you organize your junk drawer

or how you chew your Hot Pocket exactly 72 times.

Well, I don't want George Lucas to die.

Have you ever been to a Japanese tea ceremony?

We made OCD into an art form. [laughs]

You and I have more in common than we ever knew.

We each hid our private anxiety,

but now that we are truly open with each other,

our hearts are perfectly aligned.

[both] Mwah.

[both] Two, three, four.

♪ When you wear a mask to get mail at exactly 3:03♪

♪ You'll touch every lamp to protect us, that's our OCD ♪

♪ I'll cause my team to lose if I watch them ♪

♪ Or clean my lucky tee ♪

♪ Even tossing salt over your shoulder ♪

♪ Is groupthink OCD ♪

♪ We all have quirks bottled up in our brain ♪

♪ Just 'cause you're crazy doesn't mean you're insane ♪

♪ So look to your left and look to your right ♪

♪ Then do it three more times so you don't die in the night ♪

♪ Wake-up pills calm me down when I'm fidgety ♪

♪ I also medicate to control my ADHD ♪

♪ This is excellent for stimming ♪

♪ Shirt tags bother me ♪

♪ Having every problem above is ♪

♪ Comorbidity ♪

♪ Magical thinking ♪

♪ Excessive drinking ♪

♪ Intensive interests ♪

♪ Addicted to Pinterest ♪

- ♪Echolalia ♪ - ♪Echolalia ♪

♪ We are all a little bit crazy ♪

♪ You might see yourself in examples we gave ♪

♪ That make you think about how you behave ♪

♪ If you're offended and ready to walk ♪

♪ Remember we're only drawings that talk ♪

♪ There's a whole spectrum of spectrums ♪

♪ You might need therapy ♪

- ♪Meds for your heads ♪ - ♪Blues before reds ♪

♪ Or just some TLC ♪

♪ And maybe THC ♪

♪ Everybody's got a little something ♪

♪ Neurodiversity.♪

I'm afraid of crowds.

Lisa, you were singing in your sleep.

You do a lot of funny voices.

[gasps] I fell asleep?

What neurological condition is that a symptom of?

Being tired. I would have woken you up earlier,

but I was asleep, too. Anyway, time's up.

Oh, no, but I'm not finished. No, please.

I need extra time.

Extra time!

Captioning sponsored by 20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION

and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org

[Lisa] ♪Neurological assessment, neurological assessment.♪

- So where'd you get your degree? - Wesleyan.

- Oh. - Well, Ohio Wesleyan.

- Oh. - Well, Miami of Ohio Wesleyan.

- Oh. - Well...

I'm just gonna get back to the test.

We had a really good lacrosse team.

Oh.

[Annette] It's also where I met my husband.

He helped carry my boxes on move-in day.

- He was my roommate's dad. - [Lisa] Oh, my God.

[Annette] Well, we were only roommates

for the first semester.

Then I moved off campus.

But I'd see her when she came home for the holidays.

It wasn't always easy, you know.

[groans] Stepkids, am I right?

[Lisa] You married your roommate's father?

[Annette] He was really nice, unlike her mom.

She hated me.

Shh!