Original subtitles

The Simpsons.

Class, it's time for our standardized test to see how well the school taught

to the standardized test.

Yes! I mean... You have 30 minutes, or however long

it takes me to swipe through every guy in this town I haven't already... met.

Why does Hubert get to take the test in that paradise?

They turned my mop closet into a quiet room for Hubert's unique needs.

What about Willie's unique need?

A quiet room to sob into his mop.

Hmm. He also gets extra time.

Extra time?

Well, I guess if he needs it. Although that means I'm getting less time than

him. We all want a level playing field, right?

Shouldn't I also get extra time?

Of course you should, Lassie.

I'm here for an assessment.

Looking to get extra time on tests?

No, as an intrepid psychonaut, I yearn to explore the inner workings of my

mind.

So, what are we testing for?

She's not here for extra time.

It's a secondary motivation at best.

We'll be testing you for three neurological differences today. Here's

the first one. Go nuts.

Oops, I'm not supposed to say that word. One of our crazy rules.

Ah, sorry, not supposed to say that either. One of our crazy regulations.

Okay.

Do you ever fixate on things to the point that you're unaware of your

surroundings?

Book report, book report.

Okay, well, maybe I was a little fixated, but nothing like Principal

Skinner. Principal Skinner! There's a fire!

No budget.

No budget.

Whatever this is testing for, I think Principal Skinner has a lot of it.

Do you find... conversations taxing even with people you see every day? What the

hell happened here, Seymour?

I'm not sure. I was working on the school budget and now it's now.

Now it's now is the first thing you've said that makes sense and it doesn't

even make sense.

You can take it up with the school board when you speak to them this afternoon.

The board?

Do unfamiliar environments make you uncomfortable?

I respect a man who still uses a handkerchief.

It's not a handkerchief. I was so nervous, I ripped out the lining of my

pants pocket.

I see. This meeting is to discuss the school budget you submitted.

Oh, no, you hated it. Was it the font? Font Aficionado Magazine said that

Garamond was making a comeback.

Well, once we got past all those serifs, the budget was exemplary. In fact, we're

giving you a promotion.

You're the new principal of Springfield High School.

High school? But I don't know anything about teenagers.

I'll have to read years of Tiger Beat to catch up. We have every confidence in

you. I'm so honored, I'm shedding tears of joy.

Okay, kids are just kids. These ones just have cars, mustaches, and strange

clouds of vapor emanating from their ballpoint pens.

Do you have difficulty recognizing sarcasm? Good morning, Shauna.

Oh, awesome.

My dad's flunky as our new principal.

Thank you. I'm happy to be here.

The students are going to love you.

They're totally not going to slash your tires.

Great. I won't turn around to check what that hissing noise is then.

Tuck in that shirt.

Change that shirt.

Put on a shirt.

Good God, not that shirt.

Do you find it difficult to alter your routine?

Novel problems require familiar solutions.

Attention slips at the ready.

Welcome to Saturday detention.

For the next eight hours, you're going to sit here quietly, thus becoming the

best versions of yourselves.

Say less.

Don't budget my verbiage.

Say less means I get it.

I'm not sure I say less what you're saying, but I'll take it up with Google

tonight after my bath.

Ew.

I can't believe a brooding outsider like me is stuck here with a jock, a

princess, a cranny, and a brain.

I'm not a brain. I'm failing choir.

My dad's really mad.

I'm never going to be like my old man.

He's 41 and losing his hair dots.

Teenage angst!

Do you become overstimulated by noisy environments?

I'm becoming overstimulated by this noisy environment. What is the problem

here? I'm tired of having to act cool.

I'm tired of having to act uncool.

I'm tired of playing sports.

And I'm tired of dressing pretty.

Then stop doing those things.

Don't tell us what to do!

Do you frequently misunderstand social situations?

Well, you're all students, so education is clearly your main priority. And

you're teenagers, so there's no sexual tension.

I have a kid.

I just don't understand why you're fighting. After you graduate, none of

you will ever see each other. High school doesn't matter.

The new principal is right.

This really is the best time of our lives.

I love you guys.

That wasn't my point at all. Detention isn't about learning lessons. It's about

sitting still and being unhappy.

Well, we've changed as individuals and as a group. And maybe you have, too.

Nope. Change isn't my thing.

And neither is high school. I quit.

You can't leave us. You're the best principal we've ever had.

Say less.

And I mean that literally, not in your new weird way.

Do you feel a sense of relief when you return to familiar surroundings?

Don't you forget about me.

Don't, don't, don't, don't.

Ready for section two, or do you need a break? Is my answer part of the

assessment? No, we're not judging everything you do in this room.

Okay, then. I don't need a break.

Are you easily distracted?

No, but I'm related to someone who is.

I'm fat.

Homie, I don't care what you look like, as long as you're healthy.

I didn't say I look bad.

Phone, how do I eat healthier?

Hmm. From this moment on, I'm focusing only on taking control of my health.

Ooh, a text from Lenny. Ooh, a WhatsApp from Zootroy. Ooh, a TikTok about sports

mascot fails.

Ooh, a silver alert for Grandpa.

Ooh, a pop-up meat sandwich restaurant.

Kids, get in the car.

We're getting meat sandwiches.

I thought you were going to eat healthier.

We're doing what?

Meat, meat, meat.

Do you

experience a constant

state of restlessness?

Oh, this line is so long.

What's my brain supposed to do while we wait?

I'll get out my Homer toys.

I need a bigger bag.

Finally, now to look at the large posted menu for the first time.

Does it take you an excessively long time to make simple decisions?

What to get?

What to get?

Oh,

they have meat sandwiches.

Oh, come on, Big Dom.

We know you're gonna order one of everything.

I want... a turkey leg.

We waited in the sandwich line for over an hour. We have to order something

here. Actually, we don't. You're falling victim to the sunk cost fallacy.

I started reading a book about sunk cost and hated it, but I had to finish

because I needed to find out what the fallacy was.

Uh... Turkey leg!

Do you engage in reckless behavior you know to be dangerous?

I should probably have a vegetable with this. Aim for the ketchup tent.

It's not safe to throw you into a tent. Just chuck me close. I'll bounce.

At least you're behaving yourself.

Because I'm on my meds. I remember the old days, though.

If only there were a way for Dad to medicate himself.

Oh, I love the honey taste of mead. It's like when I was drunk and that beehive

fell on me.

Leatherworking!

I'm going to make a belt.

All mine keep shrinking.

Perfect fit.

Now to stab the hole.

Now that we've stayed in place for five minutes, I can actually enjoy myself.

I've almost finished making myself a new bigger bag.

Thanks, homie.

Homie. Do you have difficulty finishing tasks?

Out of the way, old man.

Glass blowing.

Jousting!

Come on, pointy head!

Kill square head!

Go for the eye hole!

Do it for my favor!

Dad, could we have some money to buy papal indulgences?

for partial remittance, but only $7.50 for a whole plenary.

Quiet, kids. Daddy's watching sports.

Do you ever find yourself in places and forget why you're there?

Uh-oh.

I'm gonna take him to the doctor.

I'm gonna dress up and steal people's change purses.

Mm-hmm.

Now remember... Leave those leeches on for at least a half an hour. And if the

dark humors return, one of the women in your household is probably a witch.

Oh, you've had a big day.

Maybe we should get back to the 21st century.

Sounds like witch talk.

A very good morrow's eve to you, fine sir. I am Leonardo da Vinci.

Behold my astounding inventions.

Do you frequently miss what's being said to you in conversations?

I painted the Mona Lisa in the year wah-wah, wah-wah-wah-wah.

And wah-wah, wah-wah-wah, wah-wah, the Truvian, wah-wah-wah-wah.

Da Vinci was truly the Renaissance's Renaissance man.

And this was his most spectacular invention, the flying machine.

Oh, I ask he never finished it.

Some speculate that Da Vinci suffered from a form of ADHD.

Maybe I can finish his flying machine.

Finish? You?

Name one thing you finished during this entire endless exhausting day.

Or ever.

I finished caring about Da Vinci.

This whole renaissance was a big waste of time.

Me and all the loot I looted are taking an Uber home.

Stop right there, cut purse.

You just committed the worst of all Ren Faire crimes.

Breaking character.

Ye shall be consigned to the stocks and have tomatoes thrown upon your

personage. Yeah, ye.

They didn't even have tomatoes in Europe during the Renaissance.

And if they did, people wouldn't be throwing them.

Calories were scarce.

Lock this one up, too.

On what charge?

Eh, we can probably make heresy stink.

Who knows how many fortnights you'll be away?

Take a snack.

I've got some string cheese in my new bag.

No outside food.

I feel a little bad for yelling at your father for just being who he is.

Yeah, a day with Dad can be challenging, but it's never boring.

But it's weird how many times we end up in stalks. He might get distracted, but

your father never forgets about his family.

Look, there he is!

I'm coming for you guys!

He's gonna rescue us.

Ooh, meat sandwich pop-up!

putting Ritalin in his donuts.

Do you get upset if things aren't arranged in a very particular way?

Askew, askew! Get out of my store, you vandal!

Move

that

standee an inch to the left.

Casper should be in the undead section.

Yoda straight needs to be... Hmm, our sales are down for some reason.

I think we need to improve the energy flow of the space.

In other words, extreme storm makeover!

But there's a reason that everything in the store is arranged just so.

Why can't we find another arrangement that's also pleasing?

Do you have hidden rules that you never share with others?

If she moves things out of place, it will destroy the force field that

protects the store.

But I can't let her know the truth, so I must elevate my discourse.

Comic book store, comic book guy.

End communication.

Nailed it.

What have you done?

Something I should have done long ago.

Put some plants in here.

Shields are down.

Must restore power.

Do repetition and counting make you feel secure?

One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four.

One, two, three, four.

Are you okay?

The force field protecting us. It's down!

What force field?

Don't you see how much better the flow of the energy is in the space?

Can't we just try it this way?

What's the worst that could happen?

Do you suffer from unpleasant intrusive thoughts?

It feels like it would be bad.

What if instead we just put everything back the way it was?

That feels like it would be bad to me.

Oh. My.

Zod. Do you also think your actions are causing and preventing disasters?

Tsunami. Meteor.

I've always known you're obsessive-compulsive.

the way you organize your junk drawer, or how you chew your Hot Pocket exactly

72 times.

Well, I don't want George Lucas to die.

Have you ever been to a Japanese tea ceremony?

We made OCD into an art form.

You and I have more in common than we ever knew.

We each hid our private anxiety, but now that we are truly open with each other,

our hearts are perfectly aligned.

When you wear a mask to get mad at Exact 3303 You touch every lump

to protect us, that's our OCD I'll cause my team to lose if I watch them Or clean

my lucky tea Even tossing salt over your shoulder is group think OCD

We all have worse bottled up in our brain.

Just cause you're crazy doesn't mean you're insane.

So look to your left and look to your right. Then do it three more times so

you don't die in the night.

Wake up pills calm me down when I'm fidgety. I also medicate to control

my ADHD.

This is excellent for stimming. Shirt tags bother me.

Having every problem above is comorbidity.

Magical thinking.

Excessive drinking.

Intensive interests.

Addicted to Pinterest.

Echolalia.

Echolalia. We are all a little bit crazy.

You might see yourself in examples we gave that make you think about

how you behave.

If you're offended and ready to walk, remember we're only

joins that talk.

There's a whole spectrum of spectrums behind me.

Therapy. Meds for your heads. Blues before reds. Or just some TLC.

And maybe THC.

Everybody's got a little something.

Neurodiversity.

I'm afraid of crowds.

Lisa, you were singing in your sleep.

You do a lot of funny voices.

I fell asleep?

What neurological condition is that a symptom of? Being tired. I would have

woken you up earlier, but I was asleep too.

Anyway, time's up. Oh, no. But I'm not finished.

No, please.

I need extra time.

Extra time!

Neurological assessment.

Neurological assessment.

So where'd you get your degree?

Wesleyan. Oh.

Well, Ohio Wesleyan. Oh.

Miami of Ohio, Wesleyan. Oh.

Well, I'm just gonna get back to the test.

We had a really good lacrosse team.

Oh. It's also where I met my husband.

He helped carry my boxes on move-in day.

He was my roommate's dad. Oh, my God.

Well, we were only roommates for the first semester.

Then I moved off campus. But I'd see her when she came home for the holidays.

It wasn't always easy, you know. Ugh, stepkids. Am I right?

You married your roommate's father?

He was really nice. Unlike her mom.

She hated me.