Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

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Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Sarah Millican.

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.BZ

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello.

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much, what a lovely warm welcome. Are you well?

(AUDIENCE) Yes!

Excellent. Thank you very much for coming to my show. It's appreciated.

I was going to start off with advice, I'm not very good at advice,

I'll give you an example of how -

I was in a supermarket and I saw a young couple wondering around.

The girl said, "Have we got everything?" He said, "I think so."

And I looked at their basket and all they had was a bottle of rose

and a cucumber.

And I just thought, "There's no way they've got everything else they need in

"for a salad."

And what I should have said is, "Lube, love."

"That's what you need - lube." But I didn't.

She's got to learn the hard way.

LAUGHTER

The bit of advice I've got is for the ladies in the room.

I've discovered, as a woman, how you know whether you are overweight.

It's during the throes of passion when your partner picks you up,

whether or not they say, "One, two, three," first.

That's my favourite joke.

It's getting less funny as the days go on.

Thank you for coming to the show, the show is called Chatterbox

cos that's what I've always been.

Talking was sort of the only thing I was criticised for at school.

By the teachers,

I was criticised by the other kids for loads of things.

Something of a nerd.

It's really hard to believe, isn't it?

Oh. I think it's quite cool

that the thing I was criticised for is my job.

That's quite cool, isn't it?

Fuck you, teachers.

I just hope the same fate didn't befall the school bike.

At an early preview, a man came up to me

and he said, "Is your show Chatterbox based on the film Chatterbox?"

I had no idea there was a film called Chatterbox.

So I got in and I Googled it. Such a film does exist.

It's American, it was made in 1977, it's not available on DVD,

which gives you a fair indication of the quality of the thing.

And the film Chatterbox is about a woman with a talking vagina.

So that man who came up to me

must have thought it was going to be a live stage version.

He must have walked in and gone, "Well, that microphone stand's too high for a start."

But I have managed to get a hold of the film on video.

Proper old school. I've only seen the first two minutes,

but I've already decided that it's brilliant.

In the first two minutes a man and a woman have sex.

They finish, she says something like, "That was lovely."

Which doesn't sound very American, does it? I can't really do accents.

I've made it sound more Geordie than it actually was, haven't I?

"That was champion, pet."

That's what I say after sex.

Unless it wasn't champion, I'm not a fucking liar.

So she's relatively positive about the experience

and then her vagina goes, "It was all right."

How many times have you wanted to say that?

"It'll do."

"I'll do it properly on my own later on, don't worry."

The women are laughing and the blokes are doing this...

"This is going to be shit."

It's nice to be out amongst so many people.

I do spend a lot of time on my own.

I live on my own, I do like living on my own.

When I first decided I wanted to live on my own...

My mam and dad don't really understand

why people would want to live on their own.

My mam said, "People only live on their own if they've got no friends."

And then my dad made me look up the word "hermit" in a dictionary.

But my dad did give some good advice when I was looking for flats,

he said, "I don't think you should get one that's got a balcony."

"Cos what with living on your own there will be a high suicide risk."

Just wonder if I should have been bearing that in mind when I was viewing.

Is that oven gas or electric?

Is that light fitting really strong?

Could it hold a decent weight?

10 stone.

Fuck off, 11 stone.

And a half.

And another fucking half.

But I like living on my own. Does anybody else live on their own?

Give us a wave if you live on your own. Nice lady here,

what's your favourite thing about living on your own?

Telephone. The telephone?

I like that you did that...

Just in case... It's just the North I live in, it's not, you know...

the dark ages. The telephone.

Did somebody not let you have a telephone in the old days

when you lived with other people? You poor bugger.

Did you live under the stairs?

In what way the telephone?

So I can speak to people.

"So I can speak to people," she said.

No, I know what a telephone's for, love.

It's going to be one of those nights.

Who has lived on their own, give us another wave. Hello, flower.

Nice lady at the back, what do you like about living on your own, love?

Walking around naked.

There's a confident woman.

No, it's good cos I've got a friend who lives on her own.

I said, "What's your favourite thing about living on your own?"

She said, "When I do a massive fart I go, 'Good girl.'"

You can have that if you like.

Lady at the back, is it a flat or - house that you have? - A flat.

If somebody broke into your flat when you were in,

what would you hit them with? Have you thought this through?

Not so much.

Well, let's have a think now. If you're like...

We've got to fix that.

If you're, like, in the living room,

is there something to hand that you could clobber somebody with?

Remote control.

A remote control.

You see? Multipurpose.

I can watch whatever telly I like and I can fucking hit somebody.

No, cos I asked a lady recently and she didn't know either.

And I said, "What's normally to hand?"

And she went, "Empty bottles?"

I said, "I don't even think you would notice if somebody broke in."

(SLURS) "I don't care who you are,

"shut the door on your way out cos I can feel a fucking draft."

My friend's got a rounders bat down the side of her bed.

I mean, for protection.

But she's been told by police

it's not allowed, it's classed as an offensive weapon.

The only way she is allowed to have a rounders bat

is if it's accompanied by something it would normally accompany.

So now she's got a rounders bat and a rounders ball as well.

And I'm the same because I've got a massive knife and a massive fork.

So if somebody breaks in with a big lump of steak, I'm champion.

But I live in a flat and the flat opposite mine

has been empty the whole time I've lived there,

so I never bothered getting curtains.

And I wander around in just my knickers,

because I'm 35 and I don't give a shit.

A friend of mine came round and said,

"Have you noticed some young lads

"have just moved into the flat opposite you?"

I said I hadn't noticed.

She said, "Don't you think it's time you got some curtains?"

As far as I'm concerned, if some young lads are looking at me

wandering around in my knickers, I'm still the winner.

Just wonder how long it's going to be before they get fucking curtains.

But I think I'd quite like an animal at home.

I think that would make the place feel a little bit more sort of cosy.

Give us a cheer if you've got a pet at home.

SCATTERED CHEERS

There's loads of you.

I'd like a cat. If I could have any animal,

I'd have a cat, but I can't

because my boyfriend's allergic to cats, so I can't have one.

(AUDIENCE MEMBER) Dump him.

Well, precisely, flower. We'll split up and that will sort it out.

Most people don't have something to look forward to

at the end of a relationship, do they?

I can't wait until he starts fucking other women.

LAUGHTER

I'm off to the pet shop, fuck you.

But if I did get an animal I'd have to be careful because whenever

I had animals as a child I always loved them a little bit too much.

LAUGHTER

There's a name for people like me, it's a hamster squeezer.

LAUGHTER

Ooh, ooh.

Look at its little face.

When I was about seven I had a little dog and I loved it so much.

Have you ever stroked a dog so hard

you could see the whites of its eyes?

LAUGHTER

If you stroke along its back, it's little back legs buckle

because of the pressure.

LAUGHTER

I do worry about my boyfriend.

LAUGHTER

Because I love him so much.

I love him so much.

Ooh, look at his little face.

Is spunk supposed to be red? No.

LAUGHTER AND GROANS

That's a great reaction.

The women are laughing and the blokes are going,

"Don't do that, that's not fucking funny."

LAUGHTER

Now is probably quite a good time to tell you that

I'm a lot ruder than I am on the telly.

LAUGHTER

So brace yourselves.

But I er... In this job I tend to travel mostly around the UK.

I'm from a place called South Shields originally.

Have we got any north-easterners in?

(AUDIENCE) Yes.

Excellent, the loud women. Hello.

Welcome, thank you very much for coming.

I'm from South Shields, but I actually live in Manchester now

and I mostly work around the UK.

Occasionally I get to go abroad.

I went to Australia last year for the Melbourne Comedy Festival,

which was great.

It was great until it came time to coming home

when because of the fucking volcano...

LAUGHTER

...I got stranded for an extra week.

You don't get any sympathy off your friends

if you tell them you're stranded for an extra week.

My friend said, "You're stranded...

"..for an extra week...

"..in Australia.

"Well, boo-fucking-hoo."

LAUGHTER

I said, "Yes, but listen to the word you're using, it's stranded."

It's not a good word is it?

You could be stranded on the end of Brad Pitt's cock

and you'd want to go home eventually.

LAUGHTER

I mean, after a week or so, obviously.

LAUGHTER

For snacks, if nothing else.

I think that explains why his girlfriends are so skinny.

He doesn't provide enough snacks.

LAUGHTER

But while I was in Australia I got a phone call from the fraud department

of my credit card company

inquiring why I was spending quite so much on my credit card.

She said, "Can I check a couple of transactions with you?"

I said, "Of course you can."

The first one was a cashpoint withdrawal

and I had withdrawn the money so that was all above board.

The second one, she said, "You spent £102 in a place called Holts."

I went, "Er, erm...

"Er, yeah, that's right.

"Er, it's a chocolate shop."

LAUGHTER

And she went, "£102!"

LAUGHTER

I went, "Yeah, well, it's for presents."

For me.

Because I was nowhere near Brad Pitt's cock.

I did get a new nickname while I was out there.

I've never had nickname before.

I've been called things, but that's different, isn't it?

I think that's bullying.

My nickname is the cake pigeon.

LAUGHTER

Because whenever I walk past a cake shop... Walk past!

LAUGHTER

Whenever I press myself up against a cake shop,

I go, "Ooh"

LAUGHTER

And because I talk about cakes and puddings on stage, sometimes people

bring cakes and puddings to shows for me,

which is lovely but can sometimes be a little bit weird.

A lady came up to me a few months ago at the end of the show.

She handed me a small fruitcake and she said, "This is for you."

I said, "That's lovely, thank you. What a nice thing to do."

She said, "I'm sorry it's just that...

"..but it's all we had in."

LAUGHTER

I said, "Have you been looking through your cupboards?

"It's not the fucking harvest festival, pet."

LAUGHTER

"You bought a ticket, you can just come to the show."

Which really pissed off the woman behind her,

who was standing with a tin of fucking peaches.

LAUGHTER

But I have developed... People call it a muffin top

if it hangs over your jeans, don't they, a muffin top?

I don't really like that name,

so I've started calling mine my cake shelf.

It's a nice name, isn't it?

It sounds like a good place to keep your cake.

Somebody said to me, "Are you pregnant?"

I said, "Only if I've been fucked by Mr Kipling."

APPLAUSE

And yes, it was exceedingly good.

LAUGHTER

But I'm a bit of a worrier.

I don't worry about age any more, I'm 35, I'm past caring about age.

I did worry when I was about to turn 30, I worried about turning 30.

I asked a few friends also approaching their 30th birthday

how they thought it was going to affect them.

One guy said, "It means I'm closer to retirement,"

which I thought was a good, positive way of looking at it.

My favourite answer came from a bloke who said,

"I just need to make it to 34 and I've beaten Jesus at living."

LAUGHTER

But I was going to say I worry about my weight

but not enough to do anything about it yet.

Although I did. I bought a cross trainer,

but apparently that's not enough.

Just to buy it.

LAUGHTER

Although, to be fair, it's in the spare room

and whenever friends stay over I have to move it into the hall

and then back again and I break a sweat

and I think, "Oh, it's paying for itself."

LAUGHTER

I think the problem is just the fact that I eat whatever I like

and I don't give a shit.

LAUGHTER

Some people who are very similar to me in the audience.

Ha ha ha ha.

It's probably the longest their mouths have been open

without some fucking food in it.

Ha ha ha...

Huh.

Exactly the same as me.

It's a fucking hobby.

Now, I think I was in a restaurant with my friend and I said,

"I like it in here because they've got multicoloured food,"

and she said, "I think you'll find they're called vegetables."

LAUGHTER

I don't worry any more

about the fact that I can't really see my fanny.

(MAN IN AUDIENCE) Oh! Oh.

LAUGHTER

Does the thought of my fanny, or all fannies, make you feel quite sick, sir?

LAUGHTER

Is it my fanny in particular, or are you just not a big fan of fannies?

You're not a fan of fannies.

I've got some cock stuff later on, you'll fucking love that.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I don't need to see my fanny any more anyway,

because I've got people for that now.

A person. People sounds bad, doesn't it?

Well, there's two. It's a job share.

I can't see my fanny because of my belly,

but I can't see my belly because of my tits.

Hurray!

As long as they stay, I'm all right.

If they go, I'm fucked.

Well, probably less so.

LAUGHTER

I started buying women's magazines. I quite like them.

I bought one because on the front cover,

it said that some female celebrities had put weight on

and they were now curvaceous.

I thought, "Let's have a look and see how curvaceous they are."

I flicked through and the fattest woman in there,

it said that she had "ballooned"...

SCATTERED LAUGHTER

I repeat, she had "ballooned to a size 12."

LAUGHTER

Size 12, I'd give my right arm to be a size 12.

My right arm might be a size 12.

LAUGHTER

But in a moment of stupidity I did toy with maybe getting myself

some thigh-high boots.

Fishing for a compliment, I said to my sister,

where would I get thigh-high boots that would fit my thighs?

She said, "Well, trannies must get them from somewhere."

LAUGHTER

I've discovered the most horrific way you know you've put weight on,

I don't think this is commonly known so I feel I should spread the word.

This happened to me in January and it is genuinely upsetting.

Where my boyfriend lives is a block of flats

and round the back of the block of flats is a car park.

In order to get into the car park you have to go through

a barrier, like an arm that lifts up...

...when it senses a car is near.

LAUGHTER

I mean, I was carrying two big bags of shopping

but it still thought I was a Peugeot 206.

LAUGHTER

But a friend of mine...

Er, actually, no, I'm not going to call him that.

It's not appropriate.

I'm going to call him a male acquaintance, let's do that.

A male acquaintance of mine

with whom I have never had a dalliance said to me,

"You know what? If you lost a couple of stone..."

LAUGHTER

I said the rest of this had better be a fucking equation.

LAUGHTER

"If you lost a couple of stone, we could probably go out."

AUDIENCE GROANS

I said, "Only if the couple of stone I lost was my fucking head."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

But I was on holiday with my boyfriend last year and he lifted

me up, like, in a romantic fashion and put me down again, obviously.

Erm, in a different place.

Otherwise that would just be weird, wouldn't it?

(LAUGHS)

LAUGHTER

Play the guess the weight of the lady stall at the fairground.

Too fucking much!

When he put me back down, because I'd been reading

a bit of Jane Austen on holiday, I came over all sort of (GIGGLES).

Like I needed a fan.

(GIGGLES)

I said, "Was I er... Was I very heavy?"

You're supposed to follow the lead and say something along the lines of,

"Why, you weighed no more than a dried leaf."

But he didn't. He went, "Manageable."

LAUGHTER

But I found recently that I'm not very good at relaxing.

I get quite wound up.

I'm on the go all the time.

I'm a bit of a workaholic, to be honest.

When I get in from work, wherever I've been,

I'm rubbish at that winding down bit before you go to bed.

I'm quite interested in how other people relax.

Nice fella in the front. Hello.

How do you relax when you get in from where you spend your day?

Is there something you always do to help you wind down?

Probably sit down, watch TV.

You sit down, that's a good start. Sit down, "Oh, I'm relaxed."

And you watch a bit of telly. What time do you normally put the telly on?

About six. You see, anything from six on is quite good for a few hours, isn't it, quite good telly?

When I get in from work it can be anything from midnight

to four in the morning

so unless I've remembered to record something

I'm stuck with fucking Babestation.

Babestation - if you don't know what Babestation is,

it's a soft porn channel where on the screen

is a relatively uneducated lady...

LAUGHTER

...I'm guessing, and she's on the phone and across the bottom of

the screen is a telephone number that you can ring,

presumably to talk to her for sexual reasons, although I don't think

there are any rules that say you can't ring her up

and chuck her a couple of sums and see how she gets on.

LAUGHTER

I'd probably just give her careers advice

because I used to work for the Jobcentre.

"You're very good on the phones, you could work for Orange.

"They're used to people ringing up and moaning."

LAUGHTER

So we've got a bit of telly watching from the fella at the front.

Thank you very much. What about nice fella there,

in the nice blue shirt. What would you do to relax?

Take the dog for a walk. You'd take the dog for a walk.

So is it the exercise or the fresh air,

or a combination of the two?

Fresh air in London.

Fresh air in London, oh, yes, I forgot,

do you have to wear a little mask?

Oh. Do you just go under a certain level and then you're all right?

What time do you go walking with the dog? Is it tea-time?

Four o'clock. Teatime.

Three o'clock.

Three o'clock, the specifics aren't that important, love.

We'll come back to me in a minute, don't worry.

Three o'clock, so that's afternoon,

because I used to go, like years ago, I used to go running...

I know, fuck off, it's hard to believe.

It didn't last very long.

But I used to go running around the park, but really early on,

because there's a time, a window that you can go.

It has to be before everybody gets up to go to work, because

they're the people that point and laugh, but after the dog walkers,

because they're always the ones that find the bodies, aren't they?

LAUGHTER

It is, isn't it? It's always that, it's always "found by a dog walker".

Thank fuck I went out after them.

So, walking the dog. What else do we do to relax?

People shouting out.

Self-gratification!

OK, do you just tell yourself you're brilliant or do you have a wank?

(LAUGHS)

Because I did a show, I did a show in Birmingham,

and I asked a man how he relaxed when he got in from work.

He said one word. At the beginning of the word he sounded really happy

and midway through the word, he just changed and sounded desperately sad.

I said, "How d'you relax when you get in from work?"

He went, (BRUMMIE ACCENT): "MAS-turbation!"

LAUGHTER

I don't find that very relaxing.

Am I sharing too much?!

I don't find masturbation very relaxing

because I'm a bugger for multitasking.

LAUGHTER

I've been known to put my 'tache cream on and go,

"I've got give minutes, I'll have a quick..."

Make sure you don't mix your hands up, though.

HORRIFIED LAUGHTER

And you know what? You get it done on time,

because if you don't, you smell burning flesh!

Some people are genuinely appalled by that!

Others are going, "That's a really good idea!"

(LAUGHS) How else do you relax? Shout out different ways.

Wine!

LAUGHTER

It was a non-specific amount, as well. "Wine!"

I don't really drink very much.

Anybody, like me, doesn't really drink?

SUBDUED MURMUR

Oh, you sound so sad!

"I've got to drive these fuckers home tonight!"

Any drinkers? Cheer if you do like a drink, then.

ENTHUSIASTIC CHEERS

See, I'm not a very good drinker. I've had some quite bad experiences.

I once went out with a friend.

She's lovely, but her husband's little bit iffy.

And, yeah.

Went out for a few drinks and the next day, I was really ill,

and I rang her and said, "I've no idea why I'm this ill.

"I only had two glasses of wine."

And she said, "Oh, that'd be Dave."

"He will have spiked your drink!"

I said, "Really?" She said, "Oh, yeah.

"He spiked mine once, with speed, but I didn't mind so much,

"because I got loads of hoovering done."

LAUGHTER

So, we've got telly, we've got drinking, how else do we relax?

Knitting!

Who the fuck are you? Where are you?

I'm from Bolton.

You're from Bolton. Means nothing to them, but hello!

Oh! OK!

So you knit? I imagine it's just always scarves,

or is it actual things that you can force onto people as "presents"?

Socks!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And it does actually look like a sock! Well done, lady.

Have you brought it in case you're a little bit bored during the show?

LAUGHTER

"Cocks. She's talking about cocks again."

So, knitting is a good answer.

My friend said, have a bath, it's quite a good way of relaxing.

I normally have showers, which are more sort of time-efficient.

But I still buy all the things you're supposed to put in the bath,

the lotions and potions, the bath bombs, all that sort of stuff.

My bathroom looks like I've ram-raided Lush.

LAUGHTER

The only time I ever have a bath is when I'm in a hotel,

I'm on the road, I've got some time to myself, but, of course

I don't take my lotions and potions, because you don't, do you?

Instead, I'm stuck with time,

but, like an inch of shower gel/shampoo/fucking toothpaste.

With which I'm expected to wash a 12 stone woman.

I mean me.

LAUGHTER

I don't provide a service!

"Come on in, Brenda, get on the scales.

"All right, get your clothes off."

So my friend said have a bath, I had a bath and it was all right.

Was all right. I thought, I bet I can make this better.

So I had a cup of tea in the bath. (GASPS)

Something really satisfying about being

the same temperature on the inside and the outside.

In the bath the other day I had a cup of tea on the go,

had a bath bomb in. We all know what the bath bomb is.

It fizzes around and makes the water smell nice and feel nice.

And my boyfriend was walking past the bathroom door,

and I shouted him in and said, "Doesn't it smell nice?"

And he said, "It does smell nice."

And I lifted my arm out of the water and said, "Feel that."

And he went, "Oooh! Slimy!"

LAUGHTER

So I relaxed for about another 20 minutes then it was time to get out.

But, I still had a little bit of tea left,

and I thought, I'm not going anywhere until I've finished my tea.

So, I just pulled the plug and let the water all drain out.

And ended up sitting in an empty bath.

I felt a little bit beached.

But it wasn't altogether a horrible experience.

Nobody was, like, spraying us with water, trying to keep us alive.

So, I finished my tea, and as I stood up to get out of the bath,

a tidal wave of water came from behind me!

I was totally confused. I looked at the front. It was empty.

I looked behind, still about that much.

I had formed a seal around the bath.

With me arse!

(LAUGHS)

I do a lot of driving in this job. I don't find driving very relaxing.

I get quite stressed behind the wheel.

I bought something recently I thought might help

in certain situations. What I bought, was a Shewee.

Now, does everyone know what Shewee is?

It's a little plastic funnel that ladies can use

to have a wee standing up without having to remove any clothing.

It's quite practical, quite functional.

Women use it for music festivals, or going walking, hiking,

that sort of thing. I bought it because I got stuck in traffic.

I wasn't just, like, at the lights for ages going, "Come on. Come on.

"Fuck it, I'm just going to piss meself."

No, I was driving on the M6 between Manchester and Birmingham

and a lorry jack-knifed and there was 150 cars stuck

for two and a half hours.

And all of the men were getting out of their cars.

They all had a bit of a chat with each other and then,

they stood in a big long line on the hard shoulder and had a wee.

And I was really jealous.

So I got in, I ordered a Shewee. It arrived, it's pink, obviously.

And I also bought an extension pipe.

LAUGHTER

So if that ever happens again and I get to wee alongside the men

on the hard shoulder, wouldn't it be great if I had the biggest cock?

LAUGHTER

"Is that all you've got, love?

"Has anybody got a shoulder I can rest mine on?"

LAUGHTER

But, I'm quite practical like that.

I've only been driving a few years, but when I first passed my test,

my dad, who I get my practical side from, said to me, "Right,

"the following things, you should always have in the boot.

"You need a blanket, you need a flask, and a shovel."

And he's right, because whenever I've killed a man,

I'm always parched.

LAUGHTER

I've only been doing stand-up for six years

and before that my life was quite substantially different.

I was married and I had a job

that I hated so much I used to try and get knocked over on the way in.

I wasn't suicidal, just a couple of ribs or a leg.

But like I say, my life is quite different now,

I spent time with my sister recently, and she said,

"You've changed!"

You know that voice that they put on, the Big Sister voice,

that, even though we're 35 and 41, still frightens the shit out of us.

"You've changed!"

I said, "How have I changed?"

She said, "You never used to eat peas when you lived with us."

That's the kind of crazy lifestyle she thinks I've got now.

I always get free peas everywhere I go.

But I took me mam, dad and me sister out for a nice meal

just before Christmas and midway through the meal,

me mam said, "When me and your dad go...

"we're going to go together."

I said, "What are we talking about now?"

"When me and your dad go, we're going to go together."

I said, "Are you talking about a suicide pact?"

And she went, "No! We're not going to call it that."

So I sort of did the "What the fuck?" face at me sister. The...

And she quite calmly just said, "As long as they leave me a letter,

"explaining it, cos I'm not going to go to prison for them."

It was just getting steadily worse.

So I looked at my dad, because my dad is the voice of reason in our family.

And I said, "What do you think about this?" And he went,

"First I've heard of it!"

He did look genuinely gutted as well.

Like he had massive plans for what he was going to do after me mam died.

When I was in Australia, I missed my family

and I Skyped them once a week. On Skype, you see each other through

computer screens, it makes home feel a bit closer

if you can see people's faces, as well as hear their voices.

And they'd sit round their computer, me mam, dad and me sister

in a semicircle, once a week, and at the end of every call

they'd lean in and kiss the webcam.

Which was lovely, but terrifying the first time it happened.

I know my sister knows about computers

and my dad used to work with computers,

but I'm pretty sure me mam doesn't really know how it works.

I know that she definitely doesn't know that

I can still see her face, even when I'm not talking to her.

Because I'd talk to me mam then I would move onto me sister

and I'd go, "How's work?" And me mam would do this.

But I used to Skype my boyfriend, as well, and I Skyped him every day.

I mean, there'll be people in this room tonight who work away from home

and I don't think it gets any easier, the more you do it.

I was in Australia for six weeks and midway through

I just got quite flat and quite sad and just really wanted to go home.

On one of those days, when I rang my boyfriend,

when his face came up on the screen there was such emotion in here

that the first thing I said to him wasn't, "Hello,"

the first thing I said was, "You're too far away!"

So he moved the web cam.

I didn't have the heart to tell him I meant geographically.

He just got the laptop, and went like that.

"Is that better, love?"

(CHUCKLES) Bless him.

But whenever I spend time with my sister we go shopping,

cos my sister's a really good influence on me.

For example, if I buy make-up, I always buy cheap make up,

cos if I buy cheap make-up I can buy more make-up.

That's how my mind works. My friend said the other day,

"I like that glittery eyeliner you've got on, where'd you get that from?"

I said, "From ASDA." She said, "Really?"

"Yeah, it smarts a bit but it was only four pound."

And my sister said, "Why don't we just buy one thing

"that's good quality, more expensive, and will last?"

I said, "That's a good idea."

So I bought a blusher.

And you know how with make-up, all the colours have names?

My blusher's called Orgasm.

I think, "Why does it have to be called Orgasm?

"Why can't it just be... fucking peach?"

I mean, "Peach."

It would be more fun if make-up was a little swearier, though.

"I like your nail varnish."

Thanks, it's called Shitting Red.

But my sister was determined to embarrass me in front of our parents

and she said, "Tell Dad what your blusher's called." "No."

"Tell Dad what your blusher's called."

"No."

I said, "Look, we're 35 and 41,

"are you really going to reduce us to children?" And she went,

(CHILDISH VOICE) "Tell Dad what your blusher's called!"

I said, "Right, shut up and I'll tell him."

So I said, "Dad?"

You've got to limber up for this kind of conversation.

I said, "Dad?" He went, "Uh-huh?"

I went, "Me blusher...

"..me blusher is called Orgasm."

And he thought he'd do a funny joke. He said,

"When you put it on does it make your face do this?"

And I went, "Whoa!"

"Whatever you are about to do you must never do when I am there!"

I like going shopping, but I don't find shopping very relaxing.

What normally happens is I go in a shop that I like, I try on

some clothes that I like, most of them won't fit and I walk out

shouting something along the lines of, "Oh, so I'm an 18 in here.

"Well, fuck off."

And then I have to go and buy a handbag to calm down.

Cos you're never too fat for a handbag.

Although, these days, they've got those ones with the short straps,

just go right under your arm and you think, "It's just a matter of time

"before I have to get buttered out of a handbag."

And I know what I'm talking about

cos I was once cut out of a dress in Monsoon.

That wasn't my favourite day.

The lady said, "I'll just go and get the scissors."

"Why are you crying?"

"Cos I'm going to have to wear this for the rest of my natural life

"and I don't even know if I fucking like it!"

I've been buying new knickers recently

and whenever I buy knickers I always buy daft knickers,

they've always got cakes or cats or stars or hearts

or slogans, generally from a supermarket,

occasionally from Marks & Spencer's, if they've got an offer on.

"Oh, three for a tenner. Try and fucking stop us."

But one supermarket has recently had a range of superhero knickers.

And they're awesome.

And I've got enough pairs now

that I can be invincible for five days in a row.

I rang my sister cos I thought, "She'll want to know about these."

She said, "What sort of thing have they got on?"

I said, "I've got some with Wonder Woman on

"and some with She-Ra on." There was a little pause and she went,

"The footballer?"

I love that she thinks I've got knickers

with Alan Shearer's face on them.

But I love a slogan on a knicker, I love a slogan on a knicker.

The best slogan I ever had said, "I'd do anything for love,"

and on the back, "But I won't do that."

I mean it was written on in biro, but still.

I went into Marks & Spencer's recently, trying some clothes on,

and the same thing happens,

that always happens when you try clothes on in there.

The lady took the clothes I wanted to try on,

she hung them on the rail, she gave us the tag,

she swished the curtain. All very normal so far.

But as she swished the curtain, her parting shot, she said,

"Just give us a shout if you need any bigger sizes."

So I swished it back just as quickly and went,

"I think you'll find you mean 'different', you bitch."

While I was there I went to the lingerie department.

There they had a stretchy, lacy,

all-in-one kind of body stocking.

Presumably for, sort of, sexy time.

I can't imagine any actual practical use.

Maybe straining vegetables.

And on the bottom of the packaging it said,

"One size fits most."

That clearly used to say, "Fits all."

You've got to pity the poor woman who had to go,

"You need to change your packaging, pet."

"It doesn't fit all."

"It's still on one leg."

But I told you I don't have children. Cheer if you've got kids.

CHEERING

And if you haven't?

LOUDER CHEERING

More energy, I like it.

I don't have children by choice, I just don't really like them.

I've never been very maternal, apart from to tiny kittens.

Oooh! Oooh!

There's a reason right there I shouldn't have fucking kids.

"I'm sorry, it just popped."

I've decided to, in order to help me relax,

find things that make me happy.

I think generally whatever makes you happy makes you relaxed.

And I thought at 35 that I knew everything that I liked

but, in the last 12 months,

I've found two new things that I didn't know I liked.

The first one was courtesy of the nice lady on Facebook who said,

"I understand that you like chocolate but I don't know if you know this fact.

"That if you have a square of Dairy Milk and a square of Galaxy

"at the same time, it's so good that it makes you do sex noises."

I mean, like, good ones, I don't mean like, "Oh! Oh! Get it out, get it out."

I can tell some of you are working out your route home via a newsagents.

Feels like this show should be sponsored cos because I'm telling you to go out and buy chocolate.

The show's not sponsored.

But if a future show is called Dairy Millican...

...then maybe things have changed.

The other thing I didn't know I liked - I told you I don't have kids -

a friend of mine had a baby in August last year and I thought

I'd buy a present for it because that's what you do, isn't it?

I went into Marksies, went into the baby section,

had a wander round, realised that, while I don't like children,

I really love tiny clothes.

Picked up a couple of baby grows for the actual child

and saw the smallest jeans I've ever seen, so I bought them.

And I didn't give them to my friend.

I brought them with us to show you.

They do look a little bit like aspirational jeans, don't they?

"Some day I'm going to get in those fuckers."

I don't know what to do with them, they've been in a bag since August.

I can't put them in a cupboard because I don't have a cupboard for children's clothes.

I can't bin them. Imagine finding a black bag with just those in.

I might have to kill a child to avoid looking weird.

I was trying to think of different ways to justify keeping them,

like, what if a baby visited or got caught in the rain?

Has slightly sinister qualities as well though, doesn't it?

"Well, let's get you out of those wet things."

So I Googled people who like tiny clothes,

thinking there must be more than me, there's probably a website,

there might even be a support group where me and my tiny jeans could fit in.

Nothing.

The only name that kept coming up over and over again was Cheryl Cole.

Because she fucking wears them.

So if Cheryl Cole ever comes round to my house and shits herself...

And if when she shits herself,

she accidentally gets a little bit on her shoes...

These are only like a month old.

A different friend of mine had a baby a month ago

and I said to my boyfriend, "We're going to go and get a present for

"the bairn," and he knows me so well that he said,

"While you're there, why don't you treat yourself?!

So I picked up a little cardigan and a little pair of jeans

for the actual child and then I saw those and thought,

"I'm fucking having them." But I'm aware that it's weird.

Don't worry about me, I'm fine.

But I didn't want it to look weird to the lady on the till,

so I made sure they were all the same age group,

and sort of matched colour-wise.

And then I put them on the counter and she said,

"These are lovely, aren't they?"

And I said, "Yeah, they're for my friend, she's just had a baby."

And she said, "If that's the case, would you like some gift receipts?"

And I said, "Just for the cardi and the jeans,

"because I'm going to keep the plimsolls for me." Oh, shit.

My friend said, "Are you going to get a denim jacket to go with them?"

I said, "I'm not trying to build a tiny Bryan Adams."

I'm so grateful for you all to come tonight, thank you very much for coming.

I'm going to leave you on a story.

Me and my fella don't really get nights off together very often

so when we do we try to make the most of it.

We call them date nights.

We went out on a date night recently and had curry, lovely curry,

got in, put a DVD on. Everything going really well.

Halfway through the film, started getting a little bit amorous.

A little bit frisky.

Which I suppose is one of the points of the date night.

Seemingly, we'd forgotten that two hours before that we'd had a curry.

Nevertheless, he went downstairs...

I don't mean for a glass of water!

I already told you I live in a flat, fucking work it out!

The only reason he'd go downstairs is to do the bins.

And that should never be a euphemism for that.

"D'you fancy...

"Do you fancy doing the bins later on?"

It doesn't work, does it?

So he went (AWKWARD VOICE:) downstairs...

I do it like that as well, in that little stupid voice.

(AWKWARD VOICE:) Downstairs.

That's not how I ask him for it, by the way.

(AWKWARD VOICE:) Downstairs. You go downstairs later on?

(AWKWARD VOICE:) Will you do the bins?

So he was...

(AWKWARD VOICE:) ..downstairs.

And there is no nice way of saying this to you lovely people

but I could feel a fart brewing.

Nobody knows what to do, do they?

There's no plan of action for this.

So what I did, and I don't really know why I did this,

certainly don't know why I'm telling you lot,

similar to in the film Rainman. I started going, "Uh-oh.

"Uh-oh.

"Uh-oh."

And he carried on. Because as he told me afterwards,

he thought I was doing an impression of Beyonce.

We've clearly not got the hang of the whole seduction thing,

I think that's fairly evident from what I've told you so far.

But I walked in on him the other day and he was lying on the bed,

just in his pants, cos you know how men think that's attractive.

And he had one bollock hanging out.

And I thought, "I'm going to have to pull him on it..." No...

"..question him on it."

Not pull him on it.

(HONKS)

If only they made that noise!

If they made that noise, I'd never leave the little buggers alone.

(HONKS)

I said, "Do you know that you've got a bollock hanging out?"

He said, "Yes, I do, I put it out especially for you."

I'll tell you a little thing and then I'll let you go home.

I started doing this thing, maybe some of you already do this,

I've started listening in to people's conversations on the bus and on the train.

I was listening recently to two old ladies and they were

talking about what they would do if they were men for a day.

I thought, "These answers are going to be good,

"cos these old ladies have got this wealth of experience,

"these answers are going to be quite insightful."

And I was going out for lunch with three of my friends

and thought I'd ask them the same question.

So I said to my first friend,

"What would you do if you were a man for a day?"

Without even thinking, she just went, "I'd have a wank!"

I said, "God, it sounds like you need to.

"You sound a bit tense, pet."

Second friend, I said, "What would you do?"

She said, "I'd just do everything."

And I thought she meant like in a sexual way,

like she'd... fuck everything.

I said, "What do you mean like, you'd do everything?"

And she went, "No, no. Just all the little jobs round the house."

But these old ladies, different generation to me

and my friends. In their 80s, they were. And one of them

just said, "Edith, what would you do if you were a man for a day?"

The other said, "Knowing my luck, I'd get a Tuesday.

"And what can you do Tuesday?"

My third friend, and I will leave you with this,

my third friend took ages to answer.

I said, "Give us an answer," and she said, "OK, the first thing I would do

"is go and find my ex-boyfriend and thwack my hard penis across his face.

"And see how he likes it first thing in the morning."

You guys have been lovely, thank you very much, good night.

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