Original subtitles

I lived with my mom until like two weeks ago. That's her. So stunning.

And that's me, yapping away like always.

She's still my best friend. We just realized maybe we shouldn't be roommates

anymore. I'll take it from the top.

It was like any other Tuesday. I woke up at noon and ate my breakfast.

Curry, sweetie, I set this aside for you to wear.

Ooh.

I'll look good in this.

I can't wait to see you in it. And it was off the rack.

I hope I don't get a rash.

Oh, I would never put you in danger like that.

Now hurry up and get dressed. The girls are coming.

But then I saw him.

Stern but gentle.

Harder. Clean but dirty.

Sweet but salty.

Oh, I wanted him so bad.

And there he was.

Wanting me right back.

Hey there, big boy.

Hi. But Mother always said that lust was the gateway drug to pain and suffering.

She gave me everything I'd ever need so I wouldn't leave her.

And I convinced myself that what we had was enough.

That I didn't want his body. Go away.

Don't tell me what to do.

Unless it's spit in your mouth.

But sometimes...

The body takes over and points at what you need.

Fire!

Is that a twinkle in your eye?

No. No!

You remember what happened to me when I had an eye twinkle.

You fell in love with Dad and had me and he left you forever.

Exactly.

Don't mistake lust for love.

Lust is dangerous and alluring, like ketamine.

Love is what we have.

Stable, dependable, healthy, like Xanax.

Now go get dressed.

I knew it was against Mother's orders, but I had to give in.

I went to my room and got down to business.

She didn't want me to lust and end up with a broken heart like her, but it's

like, just because you got diarrhea from KFC doesn't mean I will too.

Not again.

Regular kitchen paper towels aren't going to clean up this mess.

Looks like you need a beefy paper towel to clean up after that beefy smell.

I put in my earbuds so she wouldn't hear anything.

It's hard to imagine how terrible things would soon become.

Now beef me down, daddy.

Daddy's covered in juices.

Carter? One second.

There are lustful boys on the TV.

Sweetie, there's... Mom!

She knew I'd have the occasional erection here and there, but she'd never

known me to act on one.

It was her worst nightmare.

Beaky paper towels.

Rip a beaky sheet.

Oh my god, my son is horny!

To her, this meant I didn't need her, and I was just another man leaving her.

And it did not end well for the last man who left mother.

I was in danger.

I had to break the tension before things got worse.

Who's coming for mahjong?

The usuals.

Susan?

No, she tried Thai food last night.

Classic Susan.

Do you want me to chop?

I don't want you playing with knives.

You've gotten this long without chopping something off. Why take that risk today?

I knew she'd say no, but I thought the offer would be enough.

And then... You sneeze just like your father.

She snapped.

You know what? I can try and keep you safe, but what good is it going to do?

You're just going to go behind my back and lay a steamy hot brown snake over

everything we built together.

So, go ahead.

Chop away.

Oh, um, that's okay. You wanted to.

Only because I thought you were mad.

Why would I be mad?

I wanted to show her I was sorry, but then I saw him again.

And I realized I wasn't sorry.

I had to prove to Mother and myself that I could handle danger.

That the risk of getting hurt was worth being a horny adult.

I didn't.

That's how it starts.

You'll start to think you're invincible.

And once I proved myself?

Loosen your grip.

There was no going back.

I'm a natural!

All goes well until it doesn't. Then you end up sad, fat, and die.

Is this what love feels like?

You don't need anyone else's love but mine!

You're only gonna get hurt and I can't let that happen! Let go, you psycho!

I'm not a psycho! Give me the knife!

Then we realized maybe we were a little codependent. Now here I am, out on the

town, all on my own.

Is everything okay?

No. I'm trying to make mac and cheese and it says to microwave on high.

Do I have to, like, put it on top of a book or something?

Oh, that is confusing, isn't it?

No, high means high power, not high up. Do not put a book in the microwave.

I'm not cut out for this.

Look for a button that says time cook.

Press that and press high.

I did it.

I knew you could.

I've got to go. The girls are coming over for Mahjong.

Love you, Mom.

Anyway,

thanks for coming to rescue me, Mr. Fireman.

Don't put any more phones in these.

Don't tell me what to do.

Unless it's spit in your mouth.

Happy Pride.