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Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,

please welcome to the stage your friend and mine,

it's Mr Joe Lycett!

CHEERING

I love you, love you, love you. Hello, everyone! Are you well?

CHEERING

Oh, lovely. Thank you. Lovely.

Give me a cheer if you're from London.

CHEERING

Lovely. Give me a cheer if you're from Birmingham.

CHEERING

Oh, sure. Which part of Birmingham you from?

Walsall! Walsall. Gutter trash. Oh, my word.

I will be slagging you off later on in the show.

Right. Let's talk about art now.

I'd like to talk about art.

Yeah, a bit of culture.

My mother retired a few years ago

and she's now painting in her retirement.

This is one of my mother's paintings.

Isn't it glorious? This is of our family friend Patrick.

Not only does it look like Patrick, I feel like it captures his essence.

A beautiful painting.

Based on these, I've been inspired to do my own.

They've not come out as well, I'm going to be honest with you.

I did one of Amanda Holden with a Britain's Got Talent buzzer

for a head. Slightly different things that I do.

LAUGHTER

Mum will do this sort of thing,

two women on a bench, having a conversation.

Beautiful, skilful watercolour there.

The skill and the time it takes to do something like that.

I did a man having coffee poured in his arse.

We're just doing different things.

We're doing different things.

This came after I was on holiday with a friend of mine

who had just had a colonic irrigation.

I've never had one, so I was like, "What's it like?"

He's like, "I've never had one either.

"This girl, quite attractive, took me in a room, put a tube up,

"I thought the tube did everything

"but actually, she took it out, stood me over this thing and then

"just said, 'Go!' And she said,

" 'I can wait here or I can wait outside, whatever you want.' "

I was like, "Who's asking her to stay?"

"No! Look me in the eye!

"I'd like us to share this."

So based on that, I did this painting.

I haven't got a name for it yet.

I was thinking maybe, Britain In Springtime.

But I'm open to suggestions, please send your tweets in.

Mum's really annoyed at the minute, the relationship's frayed.

This started, I was living with them last year

and they got annoyed with my bathroom habits.

I love a long bath.

And I love to eat in the bath. And I had some Greek yogurt in the bath.

Cos I'm in showbusiness.

And unbeknownst to me, some of the yogurt ended up in the bath.

I then went into my room to get changed.

Mum comes into the bathroom, looks in the bath,

she's like, "Have you had the biggest wank anyone's ever had?

"I came in, there's blueberries in there."

I was like, "Oh, yeah, I've shat out perfect blueberries as well, Helen."

Just squeezed those through my urethra.

The real friction is on Twitter.

Mum is also on Twitter. She is @momalycett.

You can follow her, she posts her paintings.

She also searches not only my name

but searches what people are writing to me,

what people are writing about me.

And she also sometimes will show me tweets

when, like, I've been on telly.

Every time you go on telly there's a bit of nastiness.

It comes with the job.

There was one she showed me which I loved,

which was, I'd just been on Blankety Blank with David Walliams,

which, to be fair, was dog shit.

And I, um... I got a tweet which just said,

"You're not funny."

And I appreciated the succinctness of the tweet.

But what I loved about it is, I looked at the woman's profile

who'd sent it, and she's a self-esteem coach.

Maybe she's the self-esteem coach of a rival comedian.

Maybe Romesh was feeling down on his luck...

...thought he'd bring me down.

But this is something I'm getting used to.

But, like, sometimes people will now tweet when

they see me out and about.

They see me somewhere, they might take a picture.

And that's fine, comes with the job.

But sometimes I don't want Mum to know where I've been.

And this, the worst example for this.

I said to her one morning, I said, "I'm going to Manchester

"to see my friend Josephine.

"We're going to have a light lunch and then

"I'm going to get the train back to Birmingham."

Went to Manchester, got totally

shitfaced with Josephine.

Had a pasty on the train on the way home.

Little pasty to soak up the alcohol.

Got home, Mum was like, "Oh, being healthy, are you?"

I was like, "Yeah, yeah, I mean,

"I had a couple of glasses of wine but I had a salad at lunch."

She was like, "Explain this."

Somebody took a picture of me on the bloody train, didn't they?

LAUGHTER

Really enjoyed that pasty, as you can see.

Looks worryingly like that when you put it together, as well.

Could have been Prime Minister.

Oh, I got her back though because I did a tweet.

It wasn't actually about her but she was offended by it anyway.

The tweet was, "To find out your dirty prostitute name

"take your mother's surname and put her first name in front of it."

1,000 re-tweets, thank you, Twitter.

So based on that, and also just because, like,

I'm turning 30 this year, I've moved out.

I've moved into an up and coming area of Birmingham.

Whether it will up or come or not, I don't know.

It's called Kings Heath, the area that I'm in.

CHEERING Oh, can I have a lift?

I thought I'd find a nice place, really, but it's a bit of a dump.

And it's, like, damp in there and all sorts of problems.

And my dad who's just retired,

he's taken over as project manager of the project.

Official reason for this is that I'm too busy

to co-ordinate all of the works myself.

Couldn't possibly do it all myself.

The real reason is, I can't speak to tradesmen.

I tried to speak to the electrician over WhatsApp.

He doesn't like an emoji, oh!

Four aubergines, he got very confused.

Dad's been amazing, he seems to know...

He was a teacher before he retired.

He knows loads of stuff about houses.

He goes up to floorboards and he'll go..."Yeah."

Won't tell me what that means but he knows something.

There was a door that needed fixing,

he just came round and made and fitted a door.

I was like, "How'd you know to do that? You're a teacher."

He's like, "I don't know, I just sort of know from birth."

From birth?! Sorry, all the other kids are in the nursery crying,

you're there making a trestle table? Come on, mate.

I think what happens, it has to,

when you become a father, you go to some sort

of dad school where they teach you how to do all this shit,

but not how to get emotion into a text message.

The messages I send to Father, long, rambling endeavours.

"Just landed, wonderful holiday,

"food was fantastic, weather was glorious.

"Happy to be back but sad to not be in that wonderful weather.

"How are you, is all well?"

The reply will just be, "Yes, fine."

"Are you a hostage?!"

He's been amazing, he's been extraordinary.

I've also been getting help with the house

from a friend of mine called Peter.

You'll learn a lot about Peter in this show.

He's one of my oldest, dearest friends.

He's hard to explain in a short way,

in a sort of succinct way.

I find a good way of giving you a bit of an idea

of what Peter's like is to you that he once tried

to spend 24 hours in a 24-hour Tesco.

LAUGHTER

Like it was a challenge.

He got kicked out after 21 hours for trying on too many clothes.

LAUGHTER

I've known him for, like, since we were about 12.

We didn't go to the same school,

but we had similar friendship groups, we've grown up together.

We fall... we didn't fall out, but we fell apart

cos he went to Japan after university

and he's just been back for about a year

and now he's back he's doing little jobs, different things,

trying to make ends meet.

One of the jobs he does, because he speaks fluent Japanese,

is to teach people in England - Japanese people in England -

how to speak English.

And he's got a middle-aged student called Aiko,

who he set some homework for. The homework was an e-mail.

I pride myself on writing e-mails.

Aiko has written, I think,

the greatest e-mail in the history of e-mail.

LAUGHTER

The homework was to write an informal e-mail of complaint

with an aggressive tone.

LAUGHTER

This is what she actually wrote.

Dear Sarah, you probably know why I'm writing, you bitch.

LAUGHTER

I want to start every e-mail with that from now on.

LAUGHTER

You smashed glasses and made terrible racket.

It was so evil. Daft bastard.

LAUGHTER

Whatever. Make up for it immediately. Bob's your uncle. Aiko.

Isn't that strong?

LAUGHTER

Full marks, of course.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Love it. I mean, props to Aiko. It's hard to learn a language.

I'm trying to learn German at the minute.

I went with German cos I just thought it was funny.

Hazelnut - haselnuss. It's a funny language.

And I'm using Duolingo. Do people use Duolingo?

CHEERING

It gives you like a composite sent...

It sounds like I'm sponsored. I'm not, like, it's just a good app.

Erm, they give you composite sentences

that get progressively harder. Erm, one of my friends is on

really advanced German at the minute

and one of the sentences he had to translate the other week is,

"It is a war crime." I'm not sure...

LAUGHTER

...when that's going to be useful, really.

Sort of wandering round Berlin,

"This sauerkraut is disgusting.

"It is a war crime how disgusting it is!"

LAUGHTER

So, yeah, Peter's helping me out.

Peter is... he's a really funny guy.

He loves comedy and we go to the pub a lot and we sort of riff

on comedic ideas. He loves to create comedy characters.

He likes to create the ideas of what people could be like.

And he's created one that I love, which is the idea of a homeless man

who's into really specific things.

So, you know that most homeless people will ask for

enough for a cup of tea, that kind of thing.

He likes the idea of a homeless man that goes, "Sorry, mate, I can see

"you're busy, you haven't got a manual for a Fiat Punto, have you?"

Just... LAUGHTER

...really specific stuff.

LAUGHTER

"Sorry, but I shouldn't ask, I shouldn't ask,

"you haven't got a Faberge egg, have you?" Just really...

LAUGHTER

Brilliant, brilliant. But he's also a prankster.

He's a troll and I'm a troll,

but he did it to me and I didn't like it.

It was one of the worst things that happened to me, and actually,

funnily enough, it's happened to me here.

We were in the pub the week before I was doing the Royal Variety.

It was only with Charles and Camilla, not the proper ones.

Who gives a shit? LAUGHTER

He said to me, "How are you feeling about Royal Variety?"

I said, "I'm really nervous. Like, I don't know what I'm going to say."

There's loads of protocol. Obviously you can't swear,

but there's loads of things you wouldn't realise, where, like,

little things that you just can't say. I said, "I'm really nervous,

"I don't know what I'm going to do."

And he knew what he was doing because he went,

"Well, wouldn't want to say Diana was murdered, would you?"

LAUGHTER

No, why have you put that in my head the week before Royal Variety?!

It was rolling round in my head the whole bloody week

and I was stood side of stage, literally just there, Royal Variety,

cos it was in this room. I was quaking with nerves

and I don't normally get that nervous about stand-up.

Got my little jacket on, I was really shivering with nerves.

I could see Charles and Camilla through a gap in the curtain.

They were up there somewhere. Proper shaking.

I was getting my notes on my phone to remind myself of what I was going

to do, what my material was going to be. And I shouldn't have told him.

But I told him what time I was going on stage, and he texted me

seconds before I went on stage. LAUGHTER

And it was just a picture of Diana on her wedding day.

LAUGHTER

And then underneath, "Don't let her down."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER So he's been helping out.

I say he's been he's been helping out -

he's been giving me bad advice, actually.

There was an archway in the living room and it had a fireplace

in it years ago and I didn't know what to do with it, and he went,

"You like posh things, you like posh things, why don't you get a log burner?"

I got a log burner on his advice. Since discovered from a quite sanctimonious friend of mine,

shouldn't have got a log burner. They came round, they were like,

"Actually, you shouldn't have got a log burner. It's very bad for the environment to burn logs.

"I'll send you a book about it."

To be fair, the book burnt beautifully. That was lovely.

LAUGHTER Farrow & Ball paint, he suggests.

"You like posh things, get posh paint, Farrow & Ball paint."

Farrow & Ball has a shop in Solihull, in the Midlands,

in Birmingham. Solihull, it's still Birmingham.

It's the posh part of Birmingham.

So, there's still vomit on the streets,

but there's mangetout in it in Solihull.

LAUGHTER

The colour names in Farrow & Ball...

...Elephant's Breath.

Grey.

That's an abstract name they've given to grey.

I think you should be able to go into Farrow & Ball

with your own colour names, abstract names, and they just have to create

the colour they think you're on about.

You go in, "Yes, I was thinking of painting

"the living room Disappointed Wife" - just see what you come up with.

Hm, "I was thinking in the bedroom, David Dick In Your Son."

Just whatever they think that is.

The guy in the Farrow & Ball shop's so posh, he was like...

IN A POSH ACCENT: "Bo-bo-bo-bow."

He goes like that.

Right, I've realised, this...

I'm not sure if you'll get this reference.

I've realised that's quite close to an impression that I do of

Jesy from Little Mix doing a Jamaican accent.

Some of you know this. If you don't, treat yourself after the show.

CHEERING

Jesus, oh, right, how to describe this?

So, um, Little Mix are a band, I'm sure you know Little Mix,

four of them.

Erm, er, they were doing like a promo video, I think it was,

and they had these cards that had accents on.

And Jesy, one of the members, got Jamaican

and this is literally what she did.

She went, "Oh, um... Ba-dum-de." That was it!

LAUGHTER

So...

...that was the guy in Farrow & Ball, he was that posh. "Ba-dum-de."

That was how posh he was.

I went in and I said, "Hello." He went, "Ba-dum-de."

Are you Jamaican? "Ba-dum-de." Erm...

"Ba-dum-de." What was she thinking?

So I went in. I said, "Hello." "Ba-dum-de". Erm...

And I said... I said, "I'm buying some paint.

"I'm doing the living room."

And he said, "Are you doing it yourself?"

And I said, "Yeah." And he said, "Have you painted before?"

And I said, "No."

And he went, "Boo!"

And I said, "Oh, no, I tell a lie,

"I've done this one of Paul Chuckle, sorry."

LAUGHTER

AUDIENCE WHOOP

He said, "Well, I don't much like that."

Well, Paul Chuckle was fucking thrilled with it, actually, so...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING

This...

...this thing is so silly.

I did that painting as an exercise.

I just thought he had a funny face. I thought I'd paint his face

and I put it on Twitter, didn't send it to him.

Somebody did, because he got in touch.

He said, Joe, I love that painting you've done of me.

My wife got me some paints for Christmas. I want to learn how to paint.

If you send me the one you've done of me, I'll do one of you. This is a Paul Chuckle original.

It sort of looks like me crossed with the Joker after a stroke,

but I'm happy with it.

LAUGHTER

I do love that painting. There's a few things I love about the house.

I love a gadget, so I've got an Alexa. Have people got Alexas?

AUDIENCE WHOOP

If you don't know what it is, it's like a little disc

and you call it Alexa and she does things for you.

I literally got it because I wanted to teach her sinister things -

that's literally the only reason.

I just wanted, when friends had come round for dinner and they were leaving, they were saying

"Lovely to see you, Joe. Thank you so much for having us."

I just wanted to go, "Alexa, lock the doors."

LAUGHTER

I've got these plugs as well that connect to the lights

and it means I can turn the lights on using Alexa, and I've given

all the lights in my house middle-aged receptionist names.

So, when I go up to the bedroom, I go, "Alexa, turn Susan on."

It feels nice.

LAUGHTER

A lot of comics, a lot of writers will have next to their bed

a pad and pen, where they'll jot down ideas, things that come to them

at 4:00am in the morning that they think are genius.

I used to have the pad and pen, but I never used it

because I couldn't be bothered, really, when I woke up.

Now I've got Alexa, I do it all the time. I ask her to remind me of stuff all the time.

Here are my four favourite things that I've asked Alexa to remind me.

One - glory hole in a glass door.

LAUGHTER

Not sure if I was going to pitch that to Dragons' Den.

LAUGHTER

Oh, a solution to the drugs problem,

which actually I think is quite good.

In my utopia, all drugs are legal, but they're all £1

and you have to really want them because the only way to access them

is in those grabber machines that they have at fairs.

Waking someone to tell them something unimportant.

I just love the idea of running into Mum

and going, "Mum! Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum!

"I'm really enjoying the latest series of Game of Thrones."

LAUGHTER

And, finally, who called them turtlenecks

and not ugly, shit clothes? Who did that?

I don't know who did that.

Showed Alexa to Peter when he came round, when I first got her.

I said, "That's good, isn't it? She answers questions, plays music."

He was like, "It's a piece of shit." Disappeared into the house.

Next morning, I was talking to my father at 11am on the dot

because I remember it very vividly, because Alexa pops up and goes,

"This is your daily reminder to suck a dog's cock."

LAUGHTER

Because I've been in my childhood bedroom most of my life, I've got no

stuff, got no furniture.

The amount of aunties and uncles trying to lump shit,

coffee tables, mugs.

Everyone's got a bloody mug to give you.

I've got a mug from my auntie, which has got a motivational

quote on it - and I hate a motivational quote. The quote is,

"You've got the same amount of hours in the day as Beyonce."

LAUGHTER

But not the resources, Janet.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I showed it to Peter, I said, "That's bollocks, isn't it?"

He went, "Yeah, so did Rose West - see how that turned out."

I was like... LAUGHTER

It wasn't my issue with the mug, but you go for it, darling.

I've become a bit obsessed with tat

because I'm on my local sell and swap Facebook group.

If you're not on yours, there will be one in your local area.

Have a look at it after the show.

What it is, if you're not familiar with the sell and swap concept,

it's people with nothing to do with their lives

trying to sell and swap utter shit that they've found in their houses.

There was a woman on there the other day -

she wanted to swap these sausages.

LAUGHTER

She bought some Cauldron vegetarian sausages.

She realised they weren't vegan.

She wanted to swap them for a bag of fruit, eg plums.

I know what fruit is.

This one's particularly batshit.

This is, erm, I'll zoom in on this one.

About 120 adult DVDs, can easily sell for a pound each.

So, good profit.

Open your boot at work and let the lads dive in.

LAUGHTER

Look at them, just on the side, next to the kettle. Horrible!

Of course, I'm trolling this group, of course I am,

with my character Christopher Butterslip. There he is.

That's a drawing I did of Micky Flanagan that didn't go very well.

Done a lot of good work with Christopher,

I'm very proud of the work I've done with Christopher.

First thing I did, there was a girl,

she was selling a Jean-Paul Sartre book for £4.

She'd used it in her dissertation. She needed it no longer.

She put it on the sell and swap. I got in touch, as Christopher.

I said, "Just out of curiosity, could you take a picture

"of the first page?"

And because she had nothing to do with her day,

within minutes, a picture emerged on the group.

So, then I put, "And now the second page."

LAUGHTER

I got to five pages before she realised

I was trying to read the book through the pictures.

LAUGHTER

Oh, this one was good fun.

"Little Sammy's grown out of these ocean pals.

"I've also got about four copies of The Gruffalo,

"looking to swap for something a bit more grown-up," she said.

No, some of you are further along here.

I suggested knives and saws, that's what I suggested!

A nice selection of knives and saws.

She put, "Ha, not quite what I had in mind."

I thought about it for a little while.

I was like, "Oh, I've got some adult DVDs. Let the lads dive in."

LAUGHTER

Favourite thing I've done on the sell and swap, it's pathetic

this - I set myself up for a joke.

I listed my own thing. I listed a bag of butter mints for £1.

Christopher Butterslip, bag of butter mints, £1.

Logged out. Logged in as me, Joe Lycett.

Commented, "What condition are these in?"

Logged back out, in as Christopher Butterslip.

"Mint condition." Very happy with that.

LAUGHTER

Oh.

I'm a bell-end, aren't I?

Now, guys, I want to tell you about a little project

I've been working on for the last year, and there's no nice way

of saying this, there's no easy way of saying this.

I'm just going to have to rip the plaster off.

For the last year, just under a year,

I have been trying to destroy the career of Tom Daley.

There's no easy way of saying it.

It's done, it's out there - I've said it.

I should caveat all of this

by saying I think Tom Daley is amazing in lots of ways.

He's an Olympic diver.

I'm sure you're aware of Tom Daley. He's gay.

I think he was pushed into coming out as gay

before he was necessarily ready.

There was a lot of fuss about it from the gay press

and he's been a brilliant gay rights advocate in lots of ways.

You might have seen him and his husband, Lance Black,

announced a few months ago that they're having a baby together.

Shouldn't be a brave thing to do in this day and age, but it was.

He got a lot of nastiness

and he's been serene throughout the whole thing,

so I do think he's brilliant.

However, I now want to slag him off, so...

Tom Daley irked me last summer for two reasons - two Instagram posts -

and I'll show them to you now.

This is the first one.

This is him at Gay Pride.

Love the way that he's extending his arm out there to show

the Parade March there.

Love the look of the smile on his face.

Beautiful framing, there.

Before I go into too much detail about this,

what's going on with the hand? Where is the other finger?

I've looked at it loads.

LAUGHTER

I don't know if it's a lighting thing, whether it was edited out.

I don't know how that happens.

I've got no issue with any of that, really, apart from the weird finger.

I've got no issue with this other post -

beautifully framed again, his skin looks radiant

and that little triangle, marvellous.

Brave to wear a tank top, but he seems to manage it.

I think it's wonderful. It's lovely.

I've got no issue with any of this. It's all brilliant.

I have no issue with any of this as well. "Happy Pride, everyone.

"It's been so awesome to take part in my first ever Pride."

He'd had not been before.

"But let's not forget why we have this day

"and how much more we have to fight for

"in many other social justice movements around the world."

No issue with any of that. Brilliant that he went to Pride.

I think we all should at some point in our lives.

It's good fun, if nothing else.

My issue with both of these posts is not what's in them,

it's what's underneath them, and that is this.

@BarclaysUK #ad - that means that Tom Daley was sponsored by Barclays

to go to Pride. I don't have a problem

with Tom Daley being sponsored to do lots of things.

I understand - when you're an athlete,

you've got to make money while you can.

You're not monetisable forever. You might break your leg.

Totally get being sponsored,

but to be sponsored to go to Pride, which is a political event.

It made me uncomfortable.

It's sort of like going, "Black Lives Matter - with Tesco."

It made me uncomfortable

LAUGHTER

And I didn't want to make a big deal of this.

I thought, "It's an error in judgment, in some ways."

Didn't want to make a big fuss about it.

All I thought I'd do is a bit of light trolling of Tom Daley,

that's all I thought I'd do.

So, what I did is, I went on to this very post

and I commented on it with hashtags of rival banks - that's all I did.

#NatWest.

#Santander.

#HSBC.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And, for some reason,

dozens of other people started doing it as well!

LAUGHTER

#NorthernRock, a nice nostalgic one.

#Vietcombank, an international one.

Dozens of people did this

and I know that celebrities get paid loads for this.

Barclays will have had a PR team all over it.

I should mention that I trolled Tom Daley in a lot lighter way

about three years ago.

He posted to his Twitter a little post, basically saying,

"Just take the image below, personalise it.

"Just wanted you to customise an image in your own way."

That's all he wanted you to do. Of course, I put him in a smack den.

Who wouldn't in my position?

LAUGHTER

Open bloody goal, Tom!

So, that was it, really, as far as I was concerned.

I've done my post, other people have commented.

Point made. It was, I felt, an error in judgment. That was it.

Next day, I got a phone call,

it's from a friend of mine who's a photographer.

He's photographed the Olympic diving team on a few occasions

and he's also photographed me.

And he said, "Joe, you need to go on Ross Haslam's Instagram."

Now, I didn't know who Ross Haslam was at the time.

He is another British diver who went to Budapest the day after Pride

with Tom Daley for a competition -

and he posted a video.

The video, you don't necessarily need to see, I will show it to you.

It's a panoramic of Budapest.

It's done... Weirdly, it's a portrait thing,

but he's done it on landscape, which I don't understand.

Also, the sound in the background's not great,

so I will play it to you twice.

But you can hear in the background Tom Daley's voice,

and I just want you to listen out for it.

Have a listen to this clearly now.

...of the whole...

...the Lycett situation.

Now, he might be saying, "The lighting situation,"

but I think Tom Daly says, "The Lycett situation."

LAUGHTER

Have another listen, just to double check.

...of the whole...

...the Lycett situation.

Does that sound like "Lycett" to you?

I'm a situation!

LAUGHTER

Not sure who he's talking to in that clip,

presumably the assassin he's got to take me out.

LAUGHTER

I like the Lycett situation!

I'm going to write a book, The Lycett Situation.

There's the cover.

LAUGHTER

I thought, "This has got out of hand.

"I'm a situation all of a sudden."

I didn't want to be a situation.

It was just a bit of light trolling and suddenly I'm a situation!

But, the more I thought about it, the more I thought,

"Actually, I do want to be a situation

because I care about this shit," and I'll explain why.

Pride is an LGBTQ+ event.

There's a lot of letters there,

and often Pride and its sponsors only focus on the G -

often gay men with six packs.

But there's a lot of other letters there that deserve our attention.

For example, T, for trans.

I've got a lot of trans friends at the minute

who feel really attacked, really unsafe.

They feel really attacked by the right-wing press.

They feel more attacked by my mum's friend, Linda.

She...

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

She's the sort of person who says, "A woman's place is in the home,"

and then spends 90% of her time in All Bar One.

She's a basic bitch, and she...

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

She said to me once, she said,

"Trans people are unnatural", whilst eating a punnet of seedless grapes,

the irony of which did not pass me by.

She had a go at me for painting my nails. I paint my nails now.

I do it for two reasons. One, I like the colour.

Also, I bite my fingernails - because they're delicious -

and, when I paint them, it stops you biting them.

It's the only thing that seems to have worked. She said,

"You shouldn't paint your nails."

"Why is that, Linda?"

And she said, "Well, it's an essential part

"of being a woman, isn't it, wearing make-up?"

Sorry. Do you think your husband, Kevin, is going to see this,

get confused and try and fuck me? Is that the issue?

Extraordinary, a little change like that,

the amount of comments you got.

Of course, I expected some, but not as many as I got.

I also wear this coat in the winter months.

Oh, I mean...

I want to fuck myself right now.

AUDIENCE CHEERS Thank you.

Yes, it's a faux fur.

It's a faux fur.

I'm aware it's a ridiculous thing to put on, but I didn't expect

the amount of comments. I expected some.

My favourite was in Liverpool.

I'd just done a gig at The Slaughter House comedy club,

which is a brilliant comedy club.

I was walking back to the hotel, a group of lads walked past me

and one of them went, "Hey, mate, Pat Butcher called,

"she wants her coat back."

And I'm a comedian, I deal with hecklers all of the time,

so I went back with a really witty response.

I went, "S-Shut up, you stupid prick."

I was so pleased with it. So smug. So in the moment.

Well done, Joe!

I think what Linda and what a lot of people get confused about

with trans people is the difference between sex and gender.

Sex is your X/X, X/Y chromosome, that's what you're born with,

not lots you can do about it.

Gender is what's put on top by society and culture.

All of the things that we take for granted,

things like women wear skirts and men ride horses and punch dogs,

all of the things that we take for granted.

And I understand that women get the thick end of this wedge.

The narrow criteria in which women are expected to dress and behave

is very restrictive.

This is made clear to me in a WhatsApp group of lads

that I'm in, in which this was posted recently.

This is Build A Babe.

You have to construct a woman out of these four categories -

the face, the boobs, the butt, the legs.

No "the personality" or "how much she reminds you of Mother."

None of that.

This was debated more than most wars.

They went with the girl second in, I think.

The two girls on the far right for the boobs and bum.

And then the girl second in on the legs.

I did a bit of Photoshopping.

Yeah, she's pretty fit!

I mean, not my type.

I'd change one thing and I'd be happy, but each to their own.

Each to their own.

It's quite daunting that size.

So it's LGBTQ+, if you're interested.

That's lesbian, gay, bi, trans, queer.

And then the plus is for all of the other letters,

and there can be as many letters as there are people in the world.

Some of the more popular ones are asexual, gender fluid -

that's where you don't see your gender as fixed.

It can be different things at different times.

I was explaining that to Peter on one occasion.

He was like, "Yeah, I know what gender fluid is,

"but the name 'gender fluid', you can imagine what it smells like."

Fair enough. Gosh, I had a heavy night.

Covered in gender fluid in the morning I was.

There's I, for intersex.

That doesn't mean, "Oh, yeah, I'm 'into sex'."

I don't know what that is.

That's my "into sex" leg.

There's P, for pansexual, which is how I now define myself.

It doesn't mean that I fuck things in the kitchen,

as Linda amusingly observed.

Non-stick surface? Not when I'm around, Linda!

Pan means different things to different people.

To me, it's a form of bisexuality.

I acknowledge that gender plays a role in why I'm attracted to people,

but not necessarily the essential role.

There's all sorts of common threads in our sexualities

that we wouldn't otherwise acknowledge.

You might only be attracted to blonde people,

but you wouldn't say you were blondesexual.

But that would be a common thread.

I think the common thread in my sexuality is,

everyone I'm attracted to is not attracted to me.

That seems to be the common thread.

Sometimes it's not really about how they look

or their gender or anything.

It's just sort of more to do with how they hold themselves

or take control of a situation.

I explained this to Linda in a very ham-fisted way.

I was in Moseley post office in Birmingham -

if you know Birmingham.

There's two tills. There's one here. There's one here.

On this till was a very young, very loud, very attractive,

young, effervescent girl.

She was wearing a Cath Kidston coat.

She's going off like a human Berocca. She was annoying.

She was the sort of girl who has "live, laugh, love"

written in her living room, but has also been done for GBH.

We've got an annoying person here.

And then here was a really elderly sort of octogenarian

crunched over old woman - quite poor-looking,

sort of Mary Berry if she didn't have money -

sort of crunched over.

And she was going, "I'm sorry, I can't hear you."

She kept saying that. "I'm sorry, I can't hear you."

And, in the end, she went, "I can't hear you because you're SHREIKING!"

And I said to Linda, I said, "I don't know what it was.

"But the way she took control of that situation,

"the way she extinguished all of this woman's joy,

"the way everyone was looking at her,

"I thought she was so attractive, so beautiful.

"Obviously, I wouldn't do anything about it."

Linda was like, "What, are you ageist?"

"No, I wouldn't do anything about it because she's poor."

But, the point is... AUDIENCE APPLAUSE

...there's all sorts of new identities flying around

at the minute. New ways to describe yourself.

And I think that's wonderful.

You've got two options when you encounter someone

with an identity that you're not familiar with.

You can be fearful of them, frightened,

take the piss out of them or be fascinated,

ask them loads of questions, be curious.

Kind of like when I first saw a platypus.

I think they're amazing. They're mammals, they lay eggs.

What the fuck are they?!

The first platypus that scientists found,

they found a dead one.

They did some scientific tests.

Their conclusion? It's a fake.

They thought that someone had sewn together a duck and an otter.

Begs the question, who did they think was doing this?

"Oh, that's Martin. He loves doing that, Martin.

"The other day, he brought this in. Said it was a porpoise.

"Obviously a dolphin and a bellend. Classic Martin."

So, by Pride only sponsoring one of the letters

and ignoring the other letters,

I felt that they'd done a disservice to the community.

So I wrote them a letter.

"Dear Barclays, you probably know I'm writing you, you bitch.

"You sponsored Tom Daley to go to Pride. Daft bastard.

"Actually, it's great that you're sponsoring Pride.

Pride is an LGBTQ+ event.

It's about celebrating all of those letters

and all the different types of identity that they represent.

It's about people who are into kinky stuff.

It's about some stuff that a lot of the people who work in your bank

would find really weird.

It's not just about a particularly attractive gay driver

who you can use to improve the perception of your brand.

So I'm writing to ask if you'll sponsor me,

not to go to Pride but to one of the less airbrushed events.

I want you to sponsor me and my friend Paul Chuckle

to go to the Folsom Fetish Festival in Berlin.

It's a festival for people who are into leather

and being tied up and wearing costumes.

I went a couple of years ago and nearly got wanked off

by a unicorn.

I've mocked up a sample Instagram post.

Naturally, the real thing'll look much worse.

Bob's your uncle, Joe Lycett.

Now...

Bless you.

That pasty photo came in handy, as you can see.

Very useful, there.

Not had a reply from Barclays.

I did send them another thing.

I sent them a painting I did of Tom Daley.

I'm not thrilled with it because I don't think it looks

like Tom Daley, but I fucking nailed that hand, didn't I?

Just out of curiosity - you don't have to cheer if you don't want to -

give me a cheer if you consider yourself part

of the LGBTQ+ community?

Welcome.

The rest of you should leave.

Bless you. Thanks for coming.

Let's talk about another bank that I'm in trouble with.

I'm actually in proper trouble with this bank.

This is the Royal Bank of Scotland.

I'm in... Right, so, Peter worked - not for RBS -

he worked in an RBS building in Pigeon Park in Birmingham,

if you know it?

He was working in an office space in this building

and I went into the office with him last summer.

And, as a result of that, he had to write a letter of apology

to the manager of the building a few days later.

And I'll just read to you that letter. He wrote,

"Dear sir, I am writing to explain the incident in your office

"and offer my sincere apologies for any involvement on my part.

"I invited a guest to the building to show them a project

"we had been working on and benefit from his expertise."

What had actually happened was, we were on the piss

and he had a bottle of wine under his desk.

"At security, he was asked to enter his name for a guest pass.

"I did not see what he typed because I was dealing

"with some e-mails on my phone."

They get you to type in your name on a fancy touchscreen

as you go into the RBS building.

I didn't want to do that. I was feeling silly.

So what I did is, I just typed in the first two words

that came to mind, which happened to be "rhubarb bikini."

I don't know why.

"There was a short discussion between my guest

"and the security guard."

This is where the security guard quite rightly said, "What's that?"

And I said, "It's pronounced 'Ryan'."

He said, "It's spelt rhubarb?"

And I said, "Yes, it's Irish."

Then, a pass was printed and we were allowed into the building.

Here is that pass.

"Subsequently, an image of the pass appeared on social media."

I put that on Instagram with the caption,

"Someone broke into RBS with the pseudonym Rhubarb Bikini."

"The minute I discovered this, I asked for this image

"to be removed, but I appreciate that by that point

"damage had been done to the reputation of the business."

It got about 10,000 likes.

"I offer a full and sincere apology for this.

"Regards, Peter."

He was taken in for a disciplinary a few days after we did this.

They slid this pass over to him and said, "Do you know this man?"

I just love the idea of him going, "That's Rhubarb Bikini!"

A few weeks later, I received this letter to my home address

in the name of Colonel Rhubarb Bikini.

Full disclosure - that's because I've opened an account with RBS

in the name of Rhubarb Bikini.

Here's me opening the account.

Colonel. I went with Colonel. I thought that was funny.

"Are you known by any other name?"

No.

Born in North Korea.

Living with parents.

He's lived a life. He's lived a life, old Rhubarb!

They ask you to fill out a form when you open an RBS account to say,

"Is there anything that would have made your

"application experience better today?"

I thought about that long and hard and I put,

"Yeah, a hand job would have done it, actually."

A little hand job would have taken the edge off, really.

He rang me and said, "Joe, we're in a lot of trouble."

I was like, "What do you mean?"

He said, "I've just had this disciplinary.

"I've been banned from the office for two months."

And I said... I was really shocked.

I said, "I'm so sorry. What an overreaction.

"It was just a silly joke." He said, "I don't really mind.

"I don't like working there, so I'm happy to have the time off."

But he said, "You're in proper trouble."

I was like, "What do you mean?"

"Well, because you said 'someone' broke into RBS

"on the Instagram post, they can't pin it on you."

"The picture's quite blurry,

"so they're going back through all of the CCTV footage

"to see what we did in there."

We were in there for eight minutes, apparently.

We were giggling in the lift. I can believe it.

"They're going through all your social media

"to see if you're a threat to the business, if you've done something

"like this before, whether you're likely to do it again."

"What do you mean, going through my social media?"

"Instagram, Twitter, everything. They're going through everything."

I was like, "Oh, my God. They're going through everything.

"So they'll have seen that picture of me pretending

LAUGHTER "to be a vomiting cat."

They will have seen that picture of an egg

that I put Iggy Azalea's face on and called it Eggy Azalea.

God, they will have seen that tweet which I did,

which is "I like my sex like I like my Brexit.

"Hard and overseen by Theresa May."

God, they will have seen all the times I dressed up as Theresa May

using things that are just nearby.

I've done loads of these, she's a style icon, this woman,

she's a style icon.

Take this one, and this is the original,

an extraordinary photo in its own right.

This is my version.

Right.

Now, the neck is a chorizo.

The woman's face is a sculpture that I made.

The earring is a courgette.

Strong work from Joe Lycett all round.

I said, "Oh my God.

"They will have seen that sign that I posted which reads..."

...which I sent direct to Costa Coffee with the caption...

I said, "Oh, my God. They will have seen that time I was

"on the Lorraine Kelly show and gave Lorraine a quiche Lorraine."

She was very confused.

I said, "Oh, my God.

"They will have seen those tweets which I did which started with..."

Which I followed up with...

I said, "Oh, my God, they will have seen that picture of Jeremy Corbyn

"that I put on a bin in my car and called it Jeremy Car-bin."

They will have seen that tweet which I did, which is,

"I like my women how I like my coffee.

"Nowhere near my penis.

And I suppose, if they're looking into the future,

they're about to see a painting I'm going to do

of the man that runs your building because I've done some Googling

and I know what he looks like and it's just him in the office

saying, "No, I'm Rhubarb Bikini."

You have been an extraordinary audience.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Thanks.

OK.

Right, so I obviously wasn't done with RBS.

Of course I wasn't.

I felt like what they'd done

was an attack on fun and on silliness.

I felt like...

There are people that work in that building

that want to be daft and silly at points in their lives,

and they have to extinguish that desire

in the name of security and corporate rules

and I felt that was sad.

So, I got the e-mail address of the man that runs the building

from Peter and I set up a Rhubarb Bikini email account

and I sent him an email.

It read, "To the manager, I am Rhubarb Bikini.

"And I gather you were looking for me.

"You have been led to believe that I am the comedian Joe Lycett,

"but this is not accurate, for I am at once

"all things and no thing.

"I am a whisper in a dream.

"I am a homeless man in search of a manual for a Fiat Punto.

"I am Tom Daley's missing finger.

"I am a light bulb in my kitchen.

"I am a glory hole in a glass door.

"I am a seller of adult DVDs.

"I am a master painter.

"I am an online troll.

"And I am children's TV entertainer, Paul Chuckle."

Right.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good old Paul.

I asked for one of these, he sent dozens.

"I am all the colours in the rainbow

"I am near and I am far

"I'm everyone you'll ever know, I am each pound in the jar

"You can never stop me, for I will always be

"Your staff will never show you, so you will never see

"But in each of them is nonsense

"I know this to be true

"So all your staff are rhubarb

"And Rhubarb Bikini is you."

I also put "PS: I'm also Alexa."

ALEXA: I'm Rhubarb Bikini and you should suck a dog's cock.

Thank you so much for coming to my show.

Have a great rest of your weekend and lives.

Thank you so much.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So lovely.

Lovely. Thank you.

This has been, yeah, as I say, lovely.

Any questions? Any queries, any concerns?

Anything I can help anyone else with?

No? OK. Right. I'll fuck off then.

You've been so lovely. Um, do you know what?

I'd like to slag off the Black Country before I go.

Anyone in from the Black Country?

AUDIENCE MEMBERS CHEER

Which part? Where are you from? Wolverhampton.

BRUMMIE ACCENT: Wolverhampton? All right.

Oh, are you now? That's how they talk.

If you don't know the Black Country,

they talk like they've got no neck and no future.

Have you travelled from Wolverhampton?

No, I live in London now.

BRUMMIE ACCENT: I live in London now.

I love it. I really find it pleasing to hear the accent.

Have you been to the IKEA in Wednesbury?

I have. You have.

I've never purchased anything.

Right, why?

Because it's too stressful when you get to the checkout.

It is stressful when you get to the checkout, I agree, yeah.

Well, it's stressful in that one because it's full of people

from the Black Country and they're all madheads.

Listen, right, I was in the...

I was in the kitchen area when I went round

and there was a family walking round

and the dad of the family said this very loudly,

because I wasn't that nearby and I heard it very clearly,

he went, "Look at that chopping board,

"I couldn't chop me cock on that."

Is that a requirement of a chopping board that I've missed?

Bless you. Well, thanks for coming along.

This is the thing, I slag off the Black Country loads

but it's cos I love it and I've got lots of friends there,

I spend a lot of time there.

I went on a speed awareness course in the Black Country.

Have people been on speed awareness courses?

Yes, some other bad boys.

I thought it was really effective but my favourite thing about it

is this woman at the back who just did not give a shit.

She's, like, my new spirit animal.

She was just there like, "All right."

And the guy came out and was proper patronising.

He was like, "Guys, guys, shout out reasons, why do we speed?

"Why do we speed?" And she went, "Because I'm in a rush."

"Good, good, you were in a rush, great.

"Why do we rush? Why do we rush?"

"Because I need a piss."

Realised very quickly he did not want to be talking to her.

He was trying to get anyone else to chip in.

At one point, he forced this quite meek guy at the front to chip in.

It was really sweet. He said, "You've got two options.

"You can go by the speed limit or you can go to jail.

"Do you want to go to jail?"

He hadn't been listening, he just went, "Yes."

"Any reasons why it's justifiable to speed?

"Why we might be OK to speed?"

She went, "Well, if there's an emergency.

"If you've got to take someone to hospital."

He went, "No. That's not a reason.

"You've still got to be safe, haven't you? Still got to be safe.

"If you hit someone on the way to hospital,

"that's two people going to hospital, isn't it?

She went, "That's lucky, I'm going that way. I'll give them a lift."

That's lovely, that is.

Favourite thing she said, I'll leave you on this,

It was terrible, it was brilliant. He said at the end of the session,

"Any other reasons why we speed that we've not covered?

"Any other reasons?" No-one chipping in. I wasn't chipping in.

In the end, she just went, "Cos it's fun."

He went, "Yeah, yeah, it's fun, isn't it? It's fun to speed.

"Do you know when it's not fun?

"When you kill a child."

Everyone went quiet and then she just went,

"Depends on the child."

Love her.

You've been amazing. Wow. Thanks so much.

See you again, ta-ra.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

♪ Let's go

♪ Two children in one womb

♪ Got to come out soon cos they're running out of room

♪ Two children in one womb

♪ Got to come out soon cos they're running out of room

♪ One's a boy, the other too

♪ It's been nine months, this much is true

♪ It's about time for them to come outside

♪ As Mum and Dad, their faces fill with pride

♪ Two children in one womb

♪ Got to come out soon cos they're running out of room

♪ Two children in one womb

♪ They've got to come out soon cos they're running out of room

♪ Yes, they've got to come out soon cos they're running out of room. ♪

Subtitles by Red Bee Media