Original subtitles

Gramps's turn. Right, my turn.

Take your name from the hat, Maury.

(PAPER CRUMPLES)

Two words.

First word.

Rip! Stingy.

Stingy. Pickpocket.

Hipster. (SIGHS)

Second word. Sounds like...

Book. Scrounge.

Unarmed. Gratitude.

Come on! "Private Island!"

No, come on.

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Mom.

Managing a wedding for 200 people

is no piece of cake. (LAUGHS)

It's all the cake.

But I am ready to crush games night.

"Here's the bill.

We require a deposit of 20% up front?"

(PHONE RINGING, VIBRATING) No.

Hello?

They want an afterparty

after the reception?

They do know that a reception is an afterparty, right?

No, no, no. No, that's absolutely fine.

(WHISPERS) Okay, all right.

She works so hard on her career.

Ooh, Taylor Swift! Who?

Mom. In here, love.

Baggy pants, ratty sweatshirt.

You have the day off! I have the day off!

Mother-daughter chill-out day?

Yes, absolutely.

Right after I finish my to-do list.

First up, leveling the living room floor.

It's a trip hazard.

(PHONE RINGING, VIBRATING)

(SIGHS)

Hello?

Yep. Of course.

Bye. (SIGHS)

(FUNKY MUSIC)

Sorry.

Work problems.

She really needs some love.

I present to you a Goldie Glickman-Park Plan:

tonight's Sherri Appreciation Dinner!

Sherri Appreciation Dinner?

That's SAD for short. Yeah.

I was gonna use Sherri Appreciation Gala,

but that seemed worse.

Look.

This is a chance for us to show Mom some love

for everything she does around here.

Count me in, kiddo. Me too.

A happy mom is a mom that doesn't ask questions

like, "Where'd you get that money from?"

And "Why is your room full of goldfish?"

Does it have to be tonight?

I have a thing someone can't get out of.

You mean you can't get out of.

I know what I said, darling.

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

I've got a laughing yoga class tonight.

I just hate appreciating things.

Look, it has to be tonight.

Loren's checked Mom's schedule

and this is the only free slot until 2032.

Actually, there is a brunch available in July of 2028

if you'd like to reserve that instead.

I'll just put you down as maybes.

Okay.

I didn't wanna do this

but, uh, you left me no choice.

Loren, play the inspiring film.

(SOFT MUSIC)

Who's the one who's always there?

Sherri.

Who does the jobs that you can't bear?

She makes you feel like you're a winner.

Sherri. Come on, guys.

Let's make her dinner.

Sherri!

(GROWLS) Turn it off.

I hate inspiration even more than appreciation.

I'll do the cooking.

I'll clean.

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

I'll put up decorations

as long as she stops doing that.

I'll put together

an embarrassing slideshow about her childhood.

Awesome. Let's go make Mom...

both: SAD.

(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC)

What's the point in cooking for a woman

that never has time to eat?

Might as well serve up a picture of some food,

then scrape it straight into a photo of a bin.

Don't you have a huge turkey in the freezer?

We could have that.

Ha! Been looking in my freezer, have you?

Dah! Sorry.

I've been keeping my liquid nitrogen in there.

I'm not allowed to store anything

under minus 120 Celsius at home.

Parents, am I right? (CHUCKLES)

What about the turkey?

It's still there.

But it'll take two weeks to thaw out.

Ugh.

Are you sure you don't want

that brunch in 2028?

It's all good.

I've got a guy that can get

a turkey on short notice

and at a very reasonable rate.

Timmy-- (LAUGHS)

It's your main man, Dan. (CHUCKLES)

A turkey ordering a turkey.

That's something you don't see every day.

(COMICAL STING)

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

Good vibes in,

bad vibes out.

Well, that's the cleaning done.

Pivot.

Pivot!

Dinner prep's going great.

I've learned 13 new swear words from Terrance.

(LOUD THUD) (SCREAMS)

Dangleblart! 14.

How's the slideshow coming, Gramps?

Great.

I think I've finally got the hang of this program.

(computer beeping, whirring sporadically)

(PHONE RINGING, VIBRATING)

(SCOFFS) Hello?

Slideshow police?

Hey, darling. Plumbing emergency at work.

Looks like it's gonna be another late night.

Don't wait up. Love you.

Love you too. Bye.

(YELPS) Dangleblart!

# I've got a plan #

# I flew over the ocean to tell you how #

# Me and my fam #

# We caused a commotion #

# When we landed on my granddad #

# It's chaos at home but it's always fun #

# Fun fun fun fun #

# 'Cause you're never too old and you're never too young #

# Around here #

# So this is me #

# Just trying to keep it all together #

Okay. New plan.

We're getting my mom home for dinner.

Right.

We can't have SAD without Sherri.

That would just be...AD.

Gramps. Mm-hmm?

Know any plumbers? Or astronauts.

Huh? Come on.

There's never a bad time to meet an astronaut.

As it happens, you're in luck, kiddo.

Not you though, Loren.

I know a thing or two about plumbing myself.

You do? Yeah, of course.

Who do you think did all the work around the house

before your mum came back?

No one.

Ester, can you take over

the slideshow for me please?

Of course. All right.

You might need my password to--

I think I'll manage.

Ooh.

(LAPTOP CHIMES)

Oh, dear.

I seem to have deleted all your wonderful work.

Never mind.

I have some of my own footage I can use.

Right. Let's see.

We've got a grippy, a twisty,

and a doohickey.

You mean pliers? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We just gave 'em different names in my day.

Love it.

You're called George now.

(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC)

(GRUNTS)

Mom?

Goldie, Dad, everything okay?

It's better than okay.

I've got a George and three Marvins.

She means Gramps is here to fix the plumbing.

Oh, great.

Except the bit about the plumbing.

Do you even know anything about it?

Ooh, I know a little something.

Who do you think did all the work around the house

before you moved back?

No one? That's what I said.

(SIGHS)

Well, I've already checked to see

if the coupling nuts and the washers were too tight

and I've looked at the main supply,

but it's probably just a blockage somewhere.

You know how these gravity-fed systems can be.

Of course. (LAUGHS)

Gravity blockage lines. (LAUGHS)

Completely.

Well, I'll leave you to it then.

(LAUGHS) (TOOL CLANKS)

Thanks for this, guys. (LAUGHS)

I'm really busy.

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

(FAUCET CREAKS)

Do you think Gramps is in over his head?

Plumbing isn't rocket science.

(KNOCKS)

Unfortunately.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Turkey's here.

(TURKEY GOBBLING) (YELPS)

It's alive? Alive?

Which means there's been a bit of a mix-up with the supplier.

Guess there's a reason he's called Timmy All-Thumbs.

A live one!

Won't be the first bird

I've sent to the big turkey coop in the sky,

where every day isn't Christmas Day.

(CHUCKLING) Terrance.

(TURKEY GOBBLING)

I'm not letting you anywhere near

that poor, defenseless animal.

No one's going near the bird.

Except Timmy All-Thumbs

when he comes to replace it.

Should've learned my lesson

when he sold me all those goldfish.

(TURKEY GOBBLING)

(YELPING) Ha!

Right. Let me at it.

What's Ester doing with your knives?

What? I've told her a thousand times.

Quick. I won't let them gobble you.

This way.

(TENSE MUSIC)

Dah!

I'm gonna get that animal out of there!

And also the turkey.

(CREAKING, THUDDING)

Uh?

Anything we can do to help?

Like showing you the plumbing tutorial

that just randomly popped up on my phone?

So, you know nothing about plumbing.

Goldie, I know exactly what I'm doing.

(THUDDING, CLANKS)

What? Gramps?

Roughly what I'm doing.

(TOOL CLANKS)

Make that vaguely.

We've gotta plug it. With what?

Use your head.

(YELPS)

It's getting worse.

I thought you said you knew

a thing or two about plumbing.

Yeah, I do.

Leftie loosie and righty tighty.

I mean, that's two things.

Turn the shutoff valve. Over there.

Now I know three things.

(YELPS) Right.

Turning it off.

(HANDLE CREAKS) (WATER RUSHING)

Gramps! (YELPS)

(FRENETIC MUSIC)

(DOOR HANDLE RATTLING)

I'm coming in!

This lock ain't gonna stop me.

(DOOR HANDLE RATTLING)

Don't worry.

Terrance can't pick his teeth, let alone a lock.

Aw.

I'd be cross too if I were cooped up like that.

(TURKEY GOBBLING)

(TENSE MUSIC)

Don't worry.

I won't hurt you.

(SCREAMS)

Okay. Here's the plan.

Blame Terrance and run away?

Usually works for me.

Or I could just walk you through a plumbing tutorial.

Okay.

You've broken the shut-off valve

and you're now playing Little Dutch Boy

with the pipes.

Oddly specific. I like it.

Okay, Gramps.

Tighten the compression couplings.

Use the pliers.

The doohickey to adjust the valve.

(GRUNTING)

(PIPE CREAKING)

(GRUNTS)

(BRIGHT MUSIC)

That's how you do it.

(RUMBLING)

No need to applaud.

That's not applause.

(TOILET RUMBLES)

(WATER RUSHING) (MOANS)

(FRENETIC MUSIC)

(BEATS ON DOOR) (TURKEY GOBBLING)

(GRUNTS)

(GROANS)

Need a hand?

This lock's impossible.

(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)

Ta. Ow!

Ready or not, Rainbow.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Ugh! (YELPS)

Don't go in there.

The turkey's out of the crate.

It's a monster!

Yeah.

You can't fool me

with your hippy mind tricks.

(TURKEY GOBBLING) (YELPS)

(MUFFLED TURKEY GOBBLES)

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Then again.

Great news.

I cleared things up with Timmy All-Thumbs.

So that's your supplier.

No wonder!

I mean, with a name like that.

Anyway, a new turkey's on the way.

What about the old one?

He said he wouldn't charge me as long

as he didn't have to take it back.

Awesome, right? Free bird.

(LAUGHS)

(TURKEY GOBBLES)

Nobody--nobody in his right mind

lets a turkey loose in the lounge.

How would you like to be stuck in a crate

and drummed about then?

(DOORBELL RINGS) That'll be me.

Let's hope they can fix it

before Mom finds out. (GRUNTS)

That's okay.

We can still get Mom home for dinner

even if it means staging a kidnapping.

This is all your fault,

you free-range,

bleeding-heart peacenik!

I'd rather my heart bleed

than that beautiful, terrifying bird.

Wait. What happened?

Why isn't anything ready? Don't worry, people.

Our new and improved turkey is here.

(GASPS) What?

Classic Timmy All-Thumbs.

Always go direct to Ronnie Elbows.

Timmy!

Does anyone else smell smoke?

I can't smell anything except myself.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

The food! Oh.

(SMOKE ALARM BEEPING) (GRUNTING)

(COUGHING)

It's still good. Oh, step aside, kiddo.

I've got this. No!

Gramps, we can fix it. (WHEEZES)

Or maybe not.

(COUGHING) (SMOKE ALARM BEEPING)

Two questions.

Is SAD cancelled and, um,

why does it smell like a burnt toilet exploded in here?

(WHIMPERS)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

(SCREAMS) (TURKEY GOBBLING)

No, I'm your friend! Ah!

Come on down, kiddo. The situation's not that bad.

He's right. It's super good.

Everything's great

and we don't even need your help.

Solid reverse psychology.

I'm not coming down

until I find a new way to show Mom

how much we appreciate her and everything she does.

(SIGHS)

Do you guys know how much it costs

to hire Buckingham Palace?

(muffled, instinct chatter, yelling)

(TENSE MUSIC)

Be well, Maury.

We've agreed to leave the house

to the demon turkey

and go our separate ways.

Aw, that's a shame.

Dibs on Rainbow's room.

If you're ever in Monaco,

look me up under this name.

I can always use a gadget designer.

I can't say I won't miss you lot.

Oh.

I can.

I won't miss you lot.

You can't go. I need your help.

Well, you're on your own with that bird, Maury.

Best move somewhere less dangerous.

Like a shark cage.

I'm not talking about the bird.

I'm talking about Goldie.

She just wanted to make her mum SAD--

the dinner, not the emotion.

Can't we come together to do that?

I think you're forgetting

you've got a demon bird on the loose.

I think you're forgetting

that I've got all of your room deposits in my bank account.

It would be wrong to abandon a soul in need.

I always liked that girl.

Forget you ever saw that name.

Great. I'm off to bring Sherri home.

Come hell or high water. Probably high water.

So you lot make this dinner happen

before I come back.

(CLEARS THROAT DRAMATICALLY)

Looks like we got a turkey to take down.

Now you're talking my language.

I trust you will stay out of this.

That beast can look after itself.

Loren, looks like we're on cooking duty.

We are going to need quinoa and a lot of kale ASAP.

Maybe you should handle the decorations instead.

I know just what to make Sherri for dinner.

(SIGHS)

I guess it's up to me to do the hardest job of all:

make Goldie stop planning.

(LIVELY JAZZ MUSIC)

How did you get those?

Had 'em since the '70s

when I tracked the most dangerous game.

Badgers! Sure.

Let's say one of these will knock out

a full-grown badger.

(TURKEY GOBBLING)

(TENSE MUSIC)

(AIR RUSHES)

(WHISPERS) Did you get it?

Not quite.

The book was a decoy.

(TURKEY GOBBLING)

That thing is loose in the house.

Clever bird.

Hello. Yes.

How much are your elephants?

I'm planning a parade in my mom's honor and--

(CALL DISCONNECTS, BEEPS)

Hello?

Hello?

(SCOFFS) All right.

Well, elephants are out.

(PHONE VIBRATING, RINGING)

(PHONE BEEPS)

That's rude.

I'm supposed to be the inconsiderate one.

Hm.

I'm gonna have to find another way

to get through to her.

(TURKEY GOBBLING)

Also, another way out of here.

(YELLS)

(BIRD CHIRPS)

(IMITATES TURKEY GOBBLE)

Come on, little turkey.

I'm not gonna harm you.

(IMITATES TURKEY GOBBLE)

(AIR RUSHES)

(SIGHS)

Any luck?

Nope.

Just taking a break.

I told you it could look after itself.

(WHISPERING) I thought you said that dart

would knock out a badger.

It should!

A massive badger in full body armor.

(TURKEY GOBBLING)

both: Run!

(BOTH YELLING)

(DOOR CREAKING)

(INTRIGUING MUSIC)

Psst.

Shush.

You'll give the enemy our location.

I can't believe that we're letting

a bird get the better of us.

If we're going to get this turkey, we need to--

Think like a turkey.

You are taking the Mickey.

No, darling. You're taking the turkey.

(CHUCKLES) Trust me.

It'll work.

(IMITATING TURKEY GOBBLING)

I'll be here.

(TURKEY GOBBLING)

Ah, there you are.

Your goose is cooked, turkey.

It's you or me.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

(TURKEY GOBBLES INNOCENTLY)

(GENTLE MUSIC)

(SNIFFLES)

(SOBBING)

(TURKEY GOBBLES INNOCENTLY)

Stand down, Ester.

He's just a crusty old bird.

Like me.

This is perfect.

(KNOCKS ON DOOR)

Sorry, Loren. No time to hang.

Send all my meals by drone.

It's all popcorn and feather-weight food

till I'm done here.

I'm not bringing things up.

I'm bringing you down.

Oh! Uh...

I can't go.

I just started the paperwork on a new celebration.

The Sherri Appreciation Pyrotechnic Party.

SAPP?

Can't you come up with a single good acronym?

Okay.

Mad respect for thinking big, G.

But you know you could just tell Mom

how much she's appreciated?

Nuh-uh-uh.

Mom deserves something epic.

She does so much for us.

Just saying, "I appreciate you" isn't enough.

Fine.

Wallow in SAPPy SADness, then.

See if I care.

But before I go,

I've got another acronym for you:

GLAD.

Goldie's Love and Appreciation from Danny.

That's GLAFD.

I'm trying to be nice here.

Look--your plans are infuriating,

but I know they come from a place of love.

And nothing makes me laugh harder

than when they go wrong.

That's awesome. Real talk.

Is that the nicest thing you've ever said to me?

Maybe I should pack it up and head downstairs.

(LIGHT PIANO MUSIC)

I see what you did there.

Whoa! (THUDS)

This is exactly why I never say nice things.

(GIGGLES)

Come on, Danny.

We could commission a sculpture of Mom out front.

(SOFT MUSIC)

(LAUGHS)

I'm just...

crying because this is so perfectly SAD.

And so is that.

Is that your idea of a turkey dinner?

Uh-- (CLEARS THROAT)

Sort of.

(LAUGHS) Places, everyone.

Sherri's right behind me.

How?

They had to close the place for repair

because some idiot had flooded the toilets.

I don't see what the rush was.

Neither did those poor pedestrians.

What's going on here?

Why is the dining table in the lounge?

Did you flood the kitchen as well?

We just wanted to show you

how much we appreciate everything you do.

It's...

(SOBS)

It's just what I needed.

(TURKEY GOBBLES)

What was that?

Nothing. Nothing!

I don't hear very well these days.

Nothing.

(ACOUSTIC MUSIC)

Cereal for dinner. It was perfect.

Aww. Thanks, Ester.

Those photos are fab.

They're really intimate.

Actually, how did you get those close-ups

through my bedroom window?

Rainbow, darling,

didn't you have something you wanted to share?

Yes.

Everyone, I've prepared an epic poem

about how much we should appreciate all our mothers,

especially Mother Earth.

(GROANS) (HEAD THUDS)

Mother.

Life-giver.

Feminine power,

vast as the seas.

The big ones, not the little ones.

Bosom high as the Himalayas

but soft

like a spongey peat bog

or a...

oof.

Uh, her vitals are fine.

Maybe she overate.

Yes, let's say it's that.

Oh, well-- (LAUGHS)

Well, thanks for an amazing evening anyway, guys.

(LAUGHS)

We'd do anything for you, Mom.

This has been perfect.

Has anyone seen the turkey?

He's right there.

(LAUGHTER)

Yes. I am.

But we should search the house

for no reason.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Guess I'll just clear up then.

(LAUGHS)

(TURKEY GOBBLING) (SCREAMS)

(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC)

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