Original subtitles

f~ Yipee yi-o ki-a f

~ Galloping all the way f

JS Here comes Quick Draw McGraw Sf

[announcer] Kellogg's the best to you each morning!

From Kellogg's.

f~ Yipee yi-o ki-a f

~ Galloping all the way f

~ Great big star on his chest f

£ Outdraws all of the rest f

~ Fastest gun in the west f

f~ Yipee yi-o ki-a f

£ Riding around your way f

JS Here comes Quick Draw McGraw Sf

f The high-falutin'est f

S Fastest shootin'est

~ Cowboy you ever saw f

J That's Quick Draw McGraw Sf

[announcer] Brought to you by Kellogg's...

[theme music]

Look at this room.

What a mess.

I'll make Augie come in this instant

and un-mess it back neat.

There's my un-neatly son

talking to his friend Hector.

So what if you are in the school play.

! don't care.

Ha-ha, you just wish you were gonna be

Jack the giant killer, that's what you wish.

Oh, yeah? I'll get me a really giant.

I'll show you.

[laughing]

If Augie's got a really giant tucked away in the house,

1 gotta see it.

Well, where's the giant, Augie?

In your pocket? Ha ha ha.

No, but these beanstalk beans will bring him.

Are you kidding?

Them's just plain old lima beans.

Augie got those beans from the kitchen.

You just wait till morning, Hector,

and see what happens.

There'll be a beanstalk clear up to giant land.

[laughing] Don't know if it'll do it, Augie.

And when the giant climbs down, whap!

I'll exterminate him!

This I gotta see.

I'll be back in the morning,

and you better have a giant.

Ha ha ha lima beans, yeah.

Augie, why did you tell such a giant fib?

That was no fib, dear old dad.

It's all here in this book,

Jack And The Beanstalk, see?

l see, my son, my son, but--

Don't you believe me, dad?

l believe you, Augie, and I know your beanstalk

will be there in the morning, my favorite son.

After all, who am I to shatter his faith in fairytales?

There, it's all finished.

It took me all night, but it ain't a bad

do-it-yourself beanstalk.

And for the giant, Augie's old stilts

should put me in the giant category.

[alarm ringing]

The beanstalk.

Wow, oh, wait till Hector sees this.

And wait till they both see the giant.

[laughing]

And the beanstalk reaches way up to giant land.

Wait till you see it!

What did I tell ya?

Wowee.

Fee, fie, and a foe and a fum.

What was that?

Someone has been eating my porridge.

It's a real life giant.

See you later, Augie,

1 got something important to do now.

What's that, Hector?

Scram out of here!

Help!

[laughing]

Now I'll scare Augie off.

I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down.

That's what you think!

Hey, what are you doin'?

Timber!

Yikes!

[crash]

The only place it didn't hurt

was in my stilts.

I'll get a rope and tie the giant up.

Oh, boy!

I'll get these stilts off and tell Augie

he scared the giant away.

Somebody stop me before there's a catastrophic!

Come back with my roller skate, you old giant you!

What a predicament, doing 60 miles an hour

on stilts in my giant outfit

in the 20 mile an hour zone.

Hey, Mike, did you see what I saw?

-Where? -Straight ahead.

1 wonder how I signal for a left turn on stilts.

Oh that? Why, it's only a giant on roller skates.

Oh.

[both] A giant on roller skates!

Uh-oh, I must have fractured some vehicle code.

! hope they have a tall jail.

[crash]

Where did he go, Mike?

Search me, he just dropped out of sight.

It must be the smog.

Yeah, makes you see things like giants and stuff.

! must be working too hard.

1 could have sworn there was somebody down here with me.

You've fee-fied your last fum, you giant!

That's Augie, my giant wrecking son.

! mustn't let him know that his dad is a fake giant,

and versa vice.

Shucks, the giant got away.

l hope so, Augie.

All this running around has made me tired,

and thirsty to boot.

Excuse me, sir, can you spare a little water?

Oh, certainly.

How ‘bout a bucket full?

Now beat it or I'll call the cops!

I'm beating it, I'm beating it!

One thing I can't stand, it's a giant on stilts.

Come back here, you giant!

! got you cornered!

[crash]

1 caught him, ! caught him!

Excuse me, sir.

What's the hurry, sonny?

1 caught a giant, 1 caught a giant, 1 caught--

Well, you pick up my packages,

and I'll go get your giant.

Thank you, but be careful, he's 30 feet tall.

-Oh, of course. -What happened?

-Pardon me, are you the giant? -Uh-huh.

Well, how come you're not 30 feet tall?

1 was told you were.

Very simple, l ain't been well lately.

[laughing]

I finished just in time.

Here comes Augie.

And don't come back or my son Augie will squish you!

Did I scare the giant back up the beanstalk, dad?

You sure did, Augie my boy.

You scared off a real giant,

and I'm proud of you.

Oh, boy, wait till ! tell Hector.

[laughing]

A forgivable fib on my part.

After all, what good is a fairytale

without a happy ending?

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

[narrator] It is an unusually quiet day

in the rough, tough town of Abilene.

Today is the day of the big trial,

and everyone is crowded into the courthouse,

waiting anxiously for Quick Draw McGraw

to return with the star witness

whose testimony will put Good N. Meany,

the bank robber, behind bars.

Quick Draw will never make it!

-Oh, Mr. Briefcase. -Yes?

As Good N. Meany's attorney, do you think he'll go free?

Well, I'll tell you, if Quick Draw doesn't produce his witness

in exactly ten minutes,

my innocent client will go free, yes.

And why shouldn't Quick Draw and his witness

show up in ten minutes?

Because my brother, Durn Meany, will stop 'em, that's why.

[gun firing]

[laughs] Oh, Quick Draw!

What is it, Durn Meany?

You'll never make it to the courthouse

with your witness.

You only got ten minutes left.

Ten minutes? My watch must be slow.

1 can't understand it.

1 paid 39 cents for it, secondhanded.

There goes 39 cents down the drain.

Say, Queeks Draw,

I-l don't thin' 1 want to be the star witness

against Mr. Good N. Meany.

I'll do the thin'in' around here, Baba Boy,

and don't you forget it!

-You're a bully, Queeks Draw. -What's that?

I said, "Bully for you, Queek Draw."

You only got a minute left, Quick Draw! Hey!

There's only one thing to do, Baba Boy.

We're gonna slingshot our way out of here

with this old tire tube.

1 don't thin' I'm gonna like this, Queeks Draw.

Like I said before, Baba,

"I'll do the thin'in' around here,

et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

Hold on, Baba!

Well, I'll be!

So long, Mr. Meany!

Drat that Quick Draw. He may just get away.

Time's up. The case will have to be dismissed.

Hold on there!

The star witness is here in the nicholas of time.

The case of the people versus Good Meany will continue.

Will Good Meany take the stand, please?

Thanks! ! always wanted one of these.

[man] Hey, what do you think you're doing?

-Well, you told me to take it. -Well, put it back.

[Good Meany] Indian giver.

Good N. Meany, you're a dishonest bank robber.

Admit it.

Oh, what you said!

l never stole a thing in my life.

You hurt my feelings, and I think I'll cry.

[crying]

Oh, if only my mother were here.

Where are you, dear old mother?

That's my cue. Stop!

Leave my golden-haired boy alone!

Ma! You come to save your golden-haired boy.

Your Honorary, ! can explain the whole thing.

Eh, proceed, madam.

And then my boy's little old baseball

crashed through the bank window.

And he went in after it, mother?

Yeah, and then the sheriff showed up.

Will you tell us exactly what happened, mother?

It'll be a pleasure.

First he hit my boy with a right,

and then with two lefts, and a kick.

[crash]

Then he jumped on him, like this.

And over, and over, and over.

Oh, it was awful, Your Honors.

And, oh, yes, ! forgot. He hit my boy with a chair.

[crash]

Any more questions, Quick Draw?

No, Your Highness. She's suffered enough.

Will Quick Draw's star witness take the stand?

If Bubba Looey talks, your goose is cooked.

If he talks, I'll cook him.

Baba Looey, I'm gonna ask you one question,

and I want two answers.

Shoots, Queeks Draw.

Do you, Baba Looey,

ipso facto and habeas corpus delicti

infer per se to the malfunction of the tea wit?

-If you say so, Queeks Draw. -! object.

The question's entirely irrelevant,

immaterial,

and furthermore,

calls for a conclusion

on the part of this witness.

Queeks Draw, why don't you ask me something simple?

Such as what, Baba Boy?

Such as, will the star witness subject to being kidnapped?

! object!

The question is an elephant, a cereal

and calls for a concussion on the part of the witness.

[gulps] Objection overruled.

[stutters] Then I object.

Don't let him get away! Come back here, you!

Order in the court, order, order!

I'll order a large sarsaparilla.

Oh, that's smarts.

Drat the luck. I missed him twelve times

out of twelve times.

thin' 1 better head for the shack before he gets lucky.

We caught him now. He's trapped in that cavern.

Two screwballs in the side pockets. Bombs away!

What's that? A flying saucer?

-No, worse, a flying stove. -Our goose is cooked.

Help!

[crash]

We're guilty, judge. Quick, quick, put us in jail.

Yeah, away from that crazy star witness.

1 object, Your Honorable Majesty.

To what, McGraw?

To this stove bein' on my foot.

Ooh, ow, ouch, ow. Ooh, ow, ouch, ow. Ooh, that's smarts.

Ooh, ow, ooh, ow.

Gee, I like that Queeks Draw.

When it comes to having brains, he's not guilty.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

[telephone ringing]

Snooper Detective Agency, forget your blues,

we'll find the clues.

Who?

J. B Sportley, the mighty hunter?

Uh, what's the new?

Do I want to go duck hunting for thirty thousand dollars?

For one duck?

What'll you give me for two elephants?

The mark of a good private eye

is to make the most of an opportunity.

Start counting my thirty thousand dollar fee, J. B,

I'll be right over!

! must profess my astonishing amazement, J. B,

your featheralistic trophy room is for the birds!

True, but alas, it is incomplete.

Am I to conjure you mean a duck?

Not just a duck,

more precisely, a rare Tralfazian duck.

Uh, what's the difference?

A rare Tralfazian duck doesn't just go...

[imitating duck quacking]

He goes...

[imitating duck quacking]

Put one on that stand, Snoop,

and you've made yourself thirty thousand dollars.

And you've made yourself a rare deal.

We must go hunting, Blab!

Hey, Snoop.

What's this toy duck for?

That's no toy, Blab,

it a genuine imitation Tralfazian decoy!

Gosh, Snoop, you think of everything.

Quiet, whilst I give the Tralfazian duck call.

[imitating duck quacking]

Do you see anything now, Blab?

1 can see the back of your head real good, Snoop.

Quiet, Blab.

My keen ears have picked up somethin’.

Mama, where are you? Maaama!

Mama! Your little lost boy is looking for you.

Mama, !I found you at last!

Where you been, mama?

I've been looking all over for you!

Isn't that cute, Snoop?

He thinks the toy duck is his mama!

I'm all for motherhood, Blab,

but he's scaring the Tralfazian ducks away.

Plus, thirty thousand grand thousands.

1 found my mama, aren't you glad?

I'm excruciated with joy.

Now, beat it, you common, everyday type duck!

I'll never ever leave my mama again!

I'll scare the little pest off!

[gunshot]

Don't worry, mama, I'll save you, I'll save you!

Faster, Blab, he's getting away with my Tralfazian decoy!

! oughta book you on grand theft, you duck napper!

Mama?

Mama!

We must return to our cabin, Blab.

Right, Snoop.

We'll try it again at the crackle of dawn, Blab.

[knock on dorr]

Somebody's knocking on the door, Snoop.

Well, be hasty pudding, and see who it is!

Right, chief.

Say, Snoop, it's him again.

It's that little lost duck.

May I say goodnight to my mama?

-Certainly. -Oh, thank you!

Goodnight mama, goodnight mama, goodnight mama.

Alright, knock it off already.

You said a whole week of good nights already.

So goodnight!

When Snoop is on a Caper,

sentiment doesn't stand a chance!

There's my mama!

Oh, tell me a bed time story, mama!

Let me tell one.

Once upon a time there was a pesky duck,

who was put out of the house.

And Snoop lived happily ever after.

Heh-heh. Chuckle chuckle.

Oh, ! don't like that story at all, at all, at all.

[both snoring]

Look, mama, I can stand on my head, and wiggle my toes.

Ain't that good, mama?

Oh, mama, you're cold!

But don't worry, I'll get you something to keep you warm.

1 found just the thing, mama, a nice blanket!

[both snoring]

-Hey, Blab. -Yeah, Snoop?

Give me part of that blanket, I'm freezing.

I can't, Snoop.

Why not, Blab?

There ain't no blanket!

Huh?

Do you feel warm now, mama?

So, it's you again!

And this time you absconded our blanket!

Shh! Mama's asleep.

That does it!

We must about face it, sonny,

this is not your mama,

it's a fake wooden duck!

See?

That is not my mama?

Check!

That is a fake wooden duck?

Double check.

Oh, then I think I will cry!

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh!

Quaaack!

Eureka, Blab!

That's a baby Tralfazian duck!

Thirty thousand grand dollars under me veritable nose!

Gee whiz, Snoop!

A-are you gonna stuff him?

Make that, Blab.

I'm gonna show you

that I'm for the birds as much as you.

First, the thirty thousand dollar grand reward

goes out the window, with this Tralfazian decoy.

And then, I'm gonna give the broken hearted little trike

a live mother.

Gosh, Snoop.

I'm so happy, I could cry.

l! washed my face, and combed my duck feathers,

just like you told me!

And now I'm ready for the big surprise!

Good!

Well, say hello to your maitre d'!

Climb upon my knee, sonny boy!

Mama!

I've been looking all over for you, mama!

Where you been?

l love you, mommy.

Sometimes being a private eye assistant

has its compensations.

He-he!

[theme music]

f~ Yipee yi-o ki-a f

~ Galloping all the way f

~ There goes Quick Draw McGraw f

[announcer] Kellogg's, your best choice in cereals...

...has brought to you...

f~ Yipee yi-o ki-a f

~ Galloping all the way f

~ Great big star on his chest f

£ Outdraws all of the rest f

~ Fastest gun in the west f

f~ Yipee yi-o ki-a f

~ Galloping all the way f

~ There goes Quick Draw McGraw f

f The high-falutin'est f

S Fastest shootin'est

~ Cowboy you ever saw f

[Quick Draw McGraw] Hey, Baba Looey! Are you alright?

S'awright.