Original subtitles

Good afternoon.

To all the men and women of the USS Lincoln, I know you've been gone for 322

days at sea, and I want to be the first to welcome you home.

I'm sure you're excited to finally see your loved ones.

But first, I bet you want to hear from the man who put you on the boat in the

first place.

Please welcome Secretary of War Pete Hegseth.

Cut the strap.

Cut it.

What's up, dong munchers?

And yeah, I'm wearing an ammunition belt made of fireball cinnamon whiskey.

The only alcohol designed to taste better on the way back up.

Relax, I only brought it to christen this ship on its glorious return to

port.

Yeah.

Anyway, I'm honored to be here addressing all you brave men and women.

How are you sailors doing tonight?

We're bad.

Okay, I heard awesome.

After seven months at war, you're back home safe in sunny San Diego, which the

president just asked Iran to blow up.

I couldn't be more proud of you. Only eight of you attempted suicide.

Two of you since I started talking.

You executed over 3,000 combat missions, and you did it with zero casualties,

zero flight mishaps, and zero working toilets.

So I'd like to take a moment to honor one brave seaman, no homo, who instead

of complaining, simply held it like a man for 300 days.

Yeah.

Thank you, sir.

If there are bad... that I could use now?

Yeah, there's probably a Starbucks like three blocks from here. Yeah, go get

them.

I also wanted to brief all you sailors on some of the stuff we've been doing on

land in case you immediately want to head back to sea.

In December, as we get into the Christmas spirit, we're going to execute

a guy in a wheelchair on live TV.

Yeah, that's right. Public executions are back.

Kind of like scrubs.

And if the guy somehow survives the firing squad, then he's got to fight

Jake Paul, so check that out.

I also unveiled a new logo for the Department of War.

Yeah, pretty sick, right? Check that out. Huh?

Yeah.

Sorry, is that a Nazi eagle?

It's an American eagle with a Nazi vibe.

Okay? Yeah, it just looks identical to the Nazi eagle. Oh, yeah? Yeah, you

know, the only eagle you should be worried about is your mom's spread eagle

on my bed right now.

Yeah. Paints a picture.

I realize you all returned home with a ship full of weapons-grade diarrhea.

But your health is of our utmost concern, starting now.

So here, with an overview of how he's making America healthy again, is the

only guy who snorts more rhino horn than me, RFK Jr.

I'm happy to report that America is healthier than ever.

That's why I would officially like to rename cold and flu season to cold and

flu and listeria and measles and trench brain season.

We're also looking into something called testicular dementia.

And yes, 200,000 pounds of pork, beef, and goat meat have been recalled.

But I just want to stress that catfish, pony, and cricket are viable proteins

for any American family.

But I want to thank you.

We were able to spot those recalls early by testing the meats on your ship.

The research you provided on Operation Hell Cruise.

will be vital for years to come.

And if I may, let me leave you with this.

And it's been my esteemed

pleasure to speak to you.

Wow.

All right. I'm excited to have a really sad pull-up context with that guy later.

In conclusion, you sailors spent over 300 days on the USS Lincoln. So let me

quote Lincoln.

Park.

You tried so hard And got so far But in the end It

doesn't even matter Thank you for all being willing to go down with

a ship, even though it breaks my personal rule of never going down on

anyone.

It's Saturday Night Live with Michael J.

Mikey J.

Andrew Dismukes.

Marcello Fernandez James

Austin Johnson

Colin

Jost

Ashley

Padilla Sarah Sarah Sherman.

Keenan Thompson.

Jane Wickline.

Featuring Saida Belosagie.

Tavi Brennan.

Jeremy Colhane.

Ben Marshall.

Cam Patterson.

Grace Ryder.

Veronica Slowikowska.

Musical guest, Rosalia!

And your host, Shane Gillis!

Ladies and gentlemen, Shane Gillis!

Thank you.

Thank you, guys.

I appreciate that. How are you guys doing?

That's good.

I'm all right.

I'm fine.

I got a couple of things I'm dealing with. I don't know.

I don't know.

I got to lose weight.

It's a bummer.

You know what I mean? When you finally get so fat, you're like, all right.

Hit that fat rock bottom. Some of you guys are probably fat as hell, right?

Hey.

Just one guy.

But no, you hit that fat rock bottom. My fat rock bottom sucked this year. I was

in a Bud Light commercial every 10 minutes.

I'd look up and see it on screen. I'd be like... I was like, oh, no, I look like

a lesbian.

You got to change.

So I tried hiking.

No, no.

Hiking was horrendous. It was one of the worst experiences. I went hiking by

myself. Everyone was like, you're going to love it.

You're going to take in nature the whole time? I didn't take in nature at all. I

looked at the ground.

I stared at the ground trying not to roll an ankle for like three hours.

The worst part was the only other person I saw on the hike, I turned a corner and

the only other person I saw was just a beautiful woman walking towards me, also

by herself.

So now I have like 30, 40 seconds, you know?

We're both thinking it.

And look at me, obviously, I don't hike, obviously.

I'm so pale. I've never been outside. I was wearing an Adidas tracksuit, just

walking, coming out of the woods with my head down towards her.

Got to figure out what face to make to let her know I'm not here.

Which is a tough face to make. I don't know if you've ever tried to make that

face. The best I came up with is when I got close to her, I was like... It was

terrifying. So 0 for 1 on hikes.

I try to go to a public gym. Going to the public gym as a fat guy, especially

in New York, is a nightmare, dude. It's just the hottest gay guys you've ever

seen.

They're jacked, and they look at me, they're like, yeah, right.

I know, dude.

Also, I haven't been to the gym in so long, I didn't know women just dress

like whores now.

Look, I'm sorry, there's no other way to describe... Have you seen it? I've seen

it. The shorts?

Have you seen the shorts?

Those neon, they're like the only, they're like artificial bait colored.

And the wrinkles, the wrinkles go like around the cheeks and all combine at the

butthole.

And don't look, you're not allowed to look.

For real, don't look, because they are filming. I'm in the background of like

10 TikToks right now.

And all the equipment.

I haven't been in the gym in so long. The equipment's changed. It's all like

kettlebells and rubber bands and ropes. I'm not doing kettlebells fat publicly.

I'd rather die.

So I don't do that. What's nice is in Texas, my friend Joe Rogan has a private

gym at his studio, which that's nice. I can work out there. No one's around.

He also has a sauna, which I'm good at that. I can sauna with the best of them.

So the other day, I was in the sauna. I'm sitting there. I'm by myself. No

one's around.

So I figure I'll get comfortable. I take my shirt off. I'm in my underwear. About

five minutes in, there's a knock on the glass door of the sauna that scared me.

I thought I was alone. I look over, and it was Theo, Vaughn, and Joe.

And they open the door, and Joe just goes, hey, Theo said you looked like a

gas station egg.

And then they closed the door. They left. I didn't even get a comeback.

I was like, yeah, whatever.

Now it's just me and that insult for 10 more minutes.

Just baking with that insult. There's no music in there. Now I'm arguing with

Theo Vaughn in my head for ten minutes, like, you look like some type of egg my

cousin might have found.

Shut up, you dumb hick.

The thing that hurt the most, though, was when he closed the glass door. I saw

my own reflection.

I looked exactly like a gas station egg.

That's one of the meanest things anyone's told me.

You look like a wet, bagged, hard-boiled egg.

That's gonna be in there for the rest of my life.

I'll be like an old folks home looking out the window like, I'm not an egg, yo.

All right, lay down.

That's one of those insults that's just in there. I'm sure you have those. As

soon as somebody says them to you, you're like, that's in there for the

rest of my life.

I've got a lot of those because I was raised by two older sisters.

Nasty.

Women are like, they're more psychological. I was always jealous of

the guys with older brothers because the worst you got there was like, come here,

queer, yeah.

I had two big, fat, bitch sisters.

They were... They were psychological.

They both looked like me with wigs, dude. They were like... They would say

the meanest things. They'd be like, everyone knows you're masturbating in

the shower. I'd be like... No!

Thought I was getting away with that. I wasn't.

I was taking a big chunk out of the Herbal Essence.

It's a see-through bottle. They knew.

But my sister is the...

Sorry, my buddy's laughing. Zoda, shut up.

It's very nice. I love you.

Anyway, my sister, she got me with one that stuck with me for the rest of my

life. I was a little old for what I was doing. I was in, like, sixth grade.

I was laying on the floor in front of the TV, and she was in the recliner

behind me, probably cracking a Pilsner with her truck or forearms.

But I was laying on the floor like a mermaid. I'll never forget what she

said. She said, hey, get out of the way of the TV, bitch hips.

As a child, bitch hips, wet egg.

That's tough.

I'll tell you the thing that I'm really bothered by is I've balded directly into

an Adolf Hitler haircut.

And it's not good, because I give a lot of speeches, and the front falls down a

lot, and there's no way to adjust it without looking exactly like... It's the

only way. I'm not going to do that. That's gay.

That's it. You're either gay or you're Hitler.

And isn't that where we're at as a country?

Hey, that was the monologue, ladies and gentlemen.

That's what it's all about.

Hey, we've got a great show for you tonight.

Rosalia is here.

There we go.

So stick around, and we'll be right back.

Cop Talk.

To protect and serve.

Upgrade conversation.

Hello and welcome to Cop Talk.

The only talk show made by cops for everyone.

Because we want to show you that talking to the police doesn't have to be

stressful. I'm Officer Doyle Connolly, joined as always by my partner, Officer

Dan Krajewski.

Dan, how was your weekend? You do anything fun?

No. Yeah, good.

So our first guest is an author who wrote a book. Bring him in.

Oh.

I guess I'll roll that down. That's fun.

How are we doing tonight?

Great.

You know why I brought you out here?

To promote my book?

Is that a question? You seem a little nervous. You nervous about something?

No, no, I'm good. I'm not nervous.

You got some ID?

Uh, yeah, I have my license.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, slowly.

Slowly. Hey, I'm sorry.

All right, we got here.

Lawrence Kornfeld, 83 Shoreview Drive, Connecticut.

That correct?

Yes, but please don't say my address on TV.

Yeah, you're not giving the orders here, jackass.

Okay, I know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Okay, I'm sorry. Yeah, well, you're free

to go and don't let me see you around here again.

I didn't talk about my book at all. You're lucky I'm letting you off with a

warning. Get out of here.

Okay, thank you. Jesus.

Friggin'

dirtbag. Dirtbag.

Okay, before our next guest, let's hear a word from my sponsor.

Hey, Doyle, man.

Come on, brother.

Hey, hey. doesn't work unless you come to the meetings, man.

I want to see you there. I'm not giving up on you.

Sobriety is a long road, but the first step is coming to a meeting.

Yeah, thanks. I'll think about it.

Okay, my next guest is a local artist. Bring him in.

How we doing tonight?

Very good, sir. Or officer, sorry.

Stumbling on your words.

You drunk?

Doing a little partying tonight?

No, no, no. I don't drink, so. You don't drink, so you're high.

What'd you take?

What? No, nothing, I swear.

Do me a favor and please step out of the chair.

Okay. I mean, I really didn't take anything. Oh, my God. Why is there a

dog? Oh, we got something! Front left pocket! No, no. We're going to hit?

It's just Altoids. It's mints, all right? Yeah, yeah. We'll see what the

lab says.

Tase him.

Tase him. Yeah. What's happening? Good night, baby.

Yep,

let's take him out.

Big-time scumbag.

Okay, my next guest is a comedian who is performing at Mugubi's Joke House this

weekend. Bring him in.

Actually, I'm good. Have a good night.

Smart. Okay, our last guest is some broad from some TV show. Bring her in.

Whoo!

Whoo!

Hi.

Hey. Hey, yourself, huh? Oh, my God, I almost fell walking out.

Sorry, I'm kind of drunk and, like, a little high.

Not against the law to have a good time.

Yeah, really? Yeah? You want to wear it here? Huh?

Okay, that's the show.

We're done.

You ever hold a gun before?

Move back!

I'm gonna need you to...

As I watch my baby girl dancing with him, I think about that little

kid from way back when.

Laughing and playing up in her room.

Can't believe I'm giving her away so soon.

I'll go home tonight and I'll stand in her door.

Her childhood all packed up in boxes on the floor.

is think of all the cool shit I can put in her room.

It's my room now.

My wife said it's mine.

I can put all my stuff in here and spend all my time.

A pinball machine.

A Pac-Man machine.

Tissues and lotion and a popcorn machine.

A life-size stormtrooper.

A box...

with him and her wedding gal.

All I can think is, it's my room now. Such a nice ceremony.

Thanks, I didn't pay for it. Oh, you're the father of the bride though, right?

Yeah, I spent all my money on stuff.

My wife takes my hand and she gives me a kiss.

She says, do you remember back when we did this? I look over at her.

Slash her a grin.

Cause I just had another great idea for my room.

A cotton candy machine.

Cut out a shack.

I've been here all...

Happy forever.

Because it's my room now.

My eyes fill with tears as they're saying.

We're really doing this?

It's my room now.

What the hell are you doing? You knocked down a wall.

We were loading the moving truck for 15 minutes.

Uh, everything okay? The hell's Tag doing here? Tag was helping. God, you're

pathetic.

It's my...

eggs and ham?

I do not like green eggs and ham. I do not like them, Sam I am.

Would you like them here or there?

I would not like them here or there. I would not like them anywhere.

Would you like them in a house? Would you like them with a mouse?

I do not like them in a house. I do not like them with a mouse. Would you like

them in a box?

would you eat them with a fox?

Hey, what the hell is wrong with you?

My dad said he doesn't like green eggs and ham. Drop it. Walk away.

But he may like green eggs and ham.

Bro, it's a non-starter. He told me... He said he doesn't... Jeez, like them.

Whoa, bro.

Hey.

He said I do not like green eggs and ham.

Well, he may like them. He will see. He may like them in a tree.

What's the end game with this?

Why do you want him to eat that snow bed?

Is this some kind of money thing?

Because my dad's older, he gets confused sometimes, so I don't appreciate you

being in his house asking him a million questions, trying to get him to eat

rotten food. He doesn't like it. Just take the L.

Would you, could you in a car?

I would not.

Could not in a car.

Hey.

What did my dad just say?

All right, you ask my dad about your rotten breakfast one more time, I'm

gonna hit you so hard your name's gonna be Sam I was.

I'm gonna hit you so hard you're gonna die.

Zachary, stop.

I can handle this.

No, you can't, Dad.

This is gonna be like the Indian scammer thing all over again. You remember that?

When you bought...

$9,000 worth of Target gift cards and send them to a house in Mumbai?

I can take care of myself.

Oh, so you're totally fine.

So you didn't almost accidentally hit Cindy Lou Who with your car?

And you didn't think a coyote was our dead dog from 30 years ago and let him

in the house?

You did that, Dad.

So I put my career on hold to come help you. Oh, right, your career.

Right, okay.

Here's where you tell me my job at James Jonathan isn't good enough.

Don't change... the name to make it sound fancier. You work at Jimmy John's

Sandwiches, not James Jonathan.

Zach, I'm going to go, but I had a lot of fun last night.

Are you going to criticize my love life?

Okay. Yeah.

I see you brought another world-class beauty home from the bar.

Okay. Dad, Mom left you for the Lorax.

Okay?

Have you seen the Lorax? He's two feet tall, and his whole face is a mustache.

And right now, that dirty hippie's railing your wife.

Uh, if it's a bad time, I did not know. If you want, I can totally go.

No.

Zachary's the one who is going. I want you out of this house.

You're a loser, and you said a bad word!

Yes, I will.

Now, get out of here.

Get out of my house and take your degenerate friend who's always over here

with you.

The cat's not a degenerate. He's just having a tough time right now.

Hey, hey, hey!

I need beer. We're out of beer, man.

Get out of here. I need beer.

Get out of here.

Hey!

He's a menace.

Real classy friend, you...

You know what, Dad? Go ahead. Eat that garbage. See how that works out for you.

Oh, I will, son. I will.

Say, I like green eggs and ham. Of this, I am sure.

Tell me, Sam, I am. Can you get me some more?

Get you more? Yes, I'm happy to comply.

Just send five brand and Walmart gift cards to my friend in Mumbai.

I told you he was a scammer, Dad.

you're right you're right you're right sorry about earlier

you're

watching history at nine it's the devil's dude hitler's hidden husband but

now it's innovation nation the products that shaped america 1920 lowell

massachusetts The shoe industry is stuck in the past until a bold visionary has

an idea that will define the future of footwear.

Well, you've got the board of directors here on a Friday night, Fillmore. This

better be good.

It is.

Gentlemen, our designers here at Fillmore Footwear have created a new

type of shoe.

Ha! A new type of shoe, he says.

Shoes are made of leather and have loud wooden soles.

That's the only kind of shoe... You're right.

Shoes are leather, you know? They're loud.

Until now.

This, my friends, is the future. A canvas shoe with a rubber sole.

They're lighter, more flexible, world's more comfortable.

Jenkins, if you'll demonstrate.

Oh, wow.

Oh, my.

Jenkins.

Good job, Jenkins.

Word. The boy didn't slip at all.

Indeed not.

They're perfect for running, sporting, or even a casual stroll.

And sneaking.

Sorry?

Sneaking. These are perfect for that.

God damn, you crazy son of a bitch, you really did it.

A shoe for sneaking.

A sneaker.

Well done, sir. This is very smart. I love this.

Well, they're not for sneaking.

But they are. Because you see, with these gentlemen, she'll never hear you.

And she'll never catch you, thanks to sneakers.

Nope. Nope, nope, nope, nope. We're not calling them sneakers, okay?

It's a creepy name.

We're thinking Runwells. Bad.

It's actually not bad.

Not bad.

Uh, gentlemen, under your seats, you'll each find a pair of Runwells. Take them

for a spin.

Wow. Wow. Oh, my goodness.

You weren't lying, Fillmore. These are cherry-fresh slick.

The grip is aces. Loads more snug than my Malloy leather-bounds. Oh, so quiet.

I tell you what, they're pretty stylish.

They could probably even help my tennis game. She'd never hear me.

Well, I think you're on to something big here, Fillmore.

Yes, well, we feel the same.

See,

they work. Hey, thank you. You're going to save me a lot of trouble with these.

What? You fellas, you know how it is. You come home late.

Clomp, clomp, clomp, and your wife wakes up. You weren't with her again, were

you?

No, baby. How could I be with her? She died. You were there when it happened.

It was only an accident.

I only meant to scare her. Bah, bah, bah.

The night is ruined, but now the murderous cow stays asleep.

Thank you, sneakers.

Did your wife kill your mistress?

So what's the marketing plan for these views?

Well, we'd like to lean into the multi-purpose aspect.

Run wells for whatever the day demands.

Bad. How about sneakers?

She'll never hear you.

No, no, no. They're made for running.

Well, maybe they're not.

After all, I can run in any shoe.

But I can only sneak in these.

Exactly. It's an untapped market, and we'd have it all to ourselves.

And my mistress would still be alive.

And so would mine.

You too.

Well, Fillmore, I admit at first I didn't like the idea of a shoe for

creeps, but I'm in.

Fine. Sneak as it is.

Now for the not fun part.

Changing the world isn't cheap, so I'll need a sizable investment from all of

you.

Wow. They really do work.

I'm a critical error.

Uh-oh.

Looks like someone needs a new heating and air conditioning system.

That can be scary.

Most companies have high fees, hidden costs, and a lack of transparency.

Not us. At Upfront Heating and Air Conditioning, we'll tell you from the

beginning. This whole process is going to be a nightmare.

First, one of our salesmen will come diagnose your problem. He's going to be

nice. He's cool.

The kind of guy you don't mind having in your house. And you'll never see him

again. Instead, four to five of the weirdest guys you've ever seen in your

life show up.

They'll spend the next three days in your house making a mess, desperately

trying to figure out what the hell is going on with your AC unit.

They'll laugh at you when you walk by.

At least one of our employees will have a horrific injury that will have been

bandaged up by another employee that has seen much worse.

Hey, quit bitching about toe-toes, bro.

Hey, what you got, a foot fetish?

Hey, Tony got a foot fetish.

He does.

It's one of the better fetishes our guys have.

Have kids in the home?

I hope not.

That means most of our guys can't be there that day.

Why? And if you got windows, these guys are gonna look in them.

Jesus!

Right at you.

Oh, he found you.

And that's not all. These guys are gonna openly smoke cigarettes around you and

your family.

Psst. Hey, little dude.

Stay away from these, because you get too many girls.

One guy will have one of those shirts that doesn't cover his whole belly. And

he's gonna have a lot of belly hair.

Or is it pubic hair?

No one knows.

And of course... One of our workers' girlfriends will show up, and they will

get into a long, loud domestic dispute out front of your house.

Ow! Who is she? Just a friend. Just a friend.

You're being crazy. You want to see crazy? I'm working.

Hey.

If you need any help, you can call our office to talk to Haley.

Haley's job, from what I can tell, is flirting with guys wearing unlaced

Timberlands. So when you want me to take you out to dinner for real?

Stop. What?

Whoa. Haley married one of the owners years ago.

Back then, he was doing all right. He played college football.

Things were looking good.

And he hurt his knee.

Now he spends 30 minutes in his car after work wondering how he can get from

the front door to a beer without having to answer a question.

It's whatever.

And up front... Hey, what is taking you guys so long? Oh, I'm sorry. Do you want

to fix it?

Coming out here talking in khakis and flip-flops? Tell you what, tough guy. If

you can tell me what this is, I'll do the whole job for free.

Oh. Pump? Wrong.

Now get out of my shot.

It was a pump.

Now let's hear some testimonials.

Yeah, I'll talk about it. I mean, first they showed up and they... See that?

We showed up. When it comes time for payment, we do not accept check, credit

card, or cash.

You have to Venmo us and say it's for pizza.

The big HVAC companies don't do this kind of stuff.

But you didn't read our reviews, and that's your problem.

Upfront heating and air conditioning.

We'll save you money.

But it'll cost you.

Ladies and gentlemen, Rosalia.

Foreign Foreign

La sonrisa ni uke

Oh, yeah

It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Thank you.

Thank you very much. Thank you. Good evening, everyone.

Welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Michael Che.

I'm Colin Jost.

Unfortunately, we have to start tonight with a tragic developing story involving

President Trump.

No, not that.

It's that President Trump has sadly not won the Nobel Peace Prize.

I know.

I know. But don't worry. I think he's taking it all in stride.

The Nobel Prize was given out today to a liberal person who works at the United

Nations who nobody has ever heard of.

He's genuinely angry that he didn't win the Peace Prize.

Trump... He kidnapped Venezuela's president, then he did so much war that

we're running out of missiles, and he still thought, this is my year.

It's truly like if I thought I might win an Oscar for Tom and Jerry.

Navi Pillay, who learned she won the Nobel Peace Prize at a conference in

Germany, joked with the crowd... that if they clap a little more, she may share

this prize with Trump, which is a harmless little joke that might make

Trump bomb whatever country he thinks she's from.

The Pentagon announced that the execution of the Fort Hood shooter would

be livestreamed, which will be the first public execution in the U.S. since, I

want to say, a couple weeks ago?

I ruined the fun.

ICE agents will reportedly start using shot gloves, which do not leave marks

and cause incredible pain, hopefully to an agent who forgets to take them off at

the urinal.

Defense Secretary Pete Hegstead is being criticized for a new Department of War

logo that features an angular eagle similar to the one used by the Nazis.

Hegseth asked how upset people were about it on a scale of here to here.

Don't gif it, guys.

You finally got one on, Colin.

Hegseth also met with a crew of the USS Abraham Lincoln, which had been at sea

for a record 322 days and is now docked next to, oh, no, the USS John Wilkes

Booth.

What are the odds?

During the Michigan Senate debate, Mike Rogers claimed that Abdul El-Sayed is

being bought off by al-Qaeda. And that's what I can't stand about al-Qaeda.

The bribery.

President Trump says the U.S. does not think the death of a Russian laboratory

worker from a suspected case of plague is the result of a bioweapon.

But Trump also stressed that it's important to understand that he didn't

really look into it, and he doesn't care what happens.

House Speaker Mike Johnson joked this week that if Republicans lose the House,

he may go home to Louisiana and start a lawn business.

Of course, in Louisiana, lawn business is just what you do when the toilet done

broke.

The world's... The world's superpowers, including the U.S., Russia, and China,

are now racing to be the first country to put a nuclear reactor on the moon.

Y'all are the three craziest bitches on this planet.

You know?

I mean, it's like if Jen Shah, Kelly Dodd, and Tamra Judge were competing to

put a nuclear reactor on the moon. Am I right? I mean, I'm genuinely asking. I

don't know who any of those women are.

FBI Director Kash Patel announced that he is engaged in a staring contest with

the tip of his nose.

According to a new poll, 75% of Americans would oppose an AI data center

being built near them, making it one of the country's most unifying issues.

Here to comment is the man who proposed building the world's largest data center

in Utah, Shark Tank's Mr. Wonderful Kevin O'Leary.

It's a pleasure.

Thanks for having me. Thank you for being here. So what happened, Mr.

Wonderful? Protesters in Utah are forcing you to downsize your project?

I'm glad you asked, Colin, and it's very simple.

All I want is to buy up 40,000 acres of God's untouched splendor and replace it

with a very loud computer that steals your job.

Is it going to take up precious water? Absolutely.

Is it going to provide a necessary service?

Who's to say?

But on the flip side, it's going to make me a tremendous amount of money, and I

think that's great.

Right. Well, most Americans don't want data centers near them. And I agree with

them completely.

You do?

Of course, Colin. These things are terrible and shouldn't be anywhere.

That's why I'm building one in Utah.

And this is actually very simple. I'm going to show you on this map, all

right? See, this is Stratos, my data center with the most evil name of all

time. And, sure, it looks big, the noise and water pollution.

That's only going to affect this area.

Colin, you have to understand, I don't live there.

Right, but, like, other people do live there. You're missing the point.

That's not real to me, okay?

Those people's lives, those are sims, all right?

Look, I'm a numbers guy, okay? When I missed out on investing in Scrub Daddy,

I learned a very valuable lesson, which is I'm going to destroy the world.

That sounds pretty extreme.

Well, that's because you're poor.

Actually, I'm not. My wife gives me lots of spending money.

That's not nice.

And aren't you being sued for defamation in Utah?

Look, yes, I made the mildly inflammatory claim that every single

person in Utah who opposes me is a paid communist super agent from China.

Was I wrong? Perhaps. But just because they're not doesn't mean they aren't.

What? Look, Colin, when I missed out on Bomba's socks, I could have gotten mad.

But instead, I made a decision.

I'm going to make the future go away.

And we're doing just that in Utah. Mr. Wonderful, everyone.

For that reason, no.

Tuesday is National No Bra Day.

But... But last year, it was on a Monday, so I guess it kind of bounces

around.

A group of scientists are studying whether newborn babies possess

consciousness. If not, we can eat them.

According to new data, the price of the American dream, which means owning a

home, raising two kids, and sending them to college, has risen to over $5

million, making it harder and harder for men to start that secret second family.

It's rough.

A Florida TikTok creator who has a full face tattoo and calls himself a

demonologist was arrested for allegedly revealing women's private information

online. Man, it's always the ones you least expect.

Actress Holly Berry is denying accusations that she choked her teenage

son. Despicable.

I wish Holly Berry would try to choke somebody her own size.

They want to see it.

Monday is Indigenous Peoples Day and Columbus Day, which is like if Easter

was also National Nails Day.

Oh, my God.

An Ohio man has been sent to prison for texting a picture of Shrek's penis to a

state senator. And I'm not gonna show it to you, but... Let's just say Shrek

might be part donkey.

The two oldest men alive, who turned 114 and 113 years old, share the exact same

birthday. And they shared a little high five, killing them both.

Got dark at the end.

Well, fall has officially arrived.

Very exciting. Here to share her tips for some fall family fun is a mother

whose babysitter canceled.

Hi,

Colin. Happy fall. Happy fall. Thanks for being here. Both of you. Oh, yes.

Where are my manners? This is my daughter, Coco.

She's my little buddy tonight because someone just wasn't getting along with

the sitter, so... I broke another one.

Yes. Yes, you did.

Coco, you want to say hello to Colin?

Hello to Colin.

Great.

So I am here to talk fun fall activities for the family.

First up is one of my favorites, pressing leaves into a book.

Coco and I... I love this one.

Mommy picks a book and Coco goes and fetches a beautiful orange and red leaf

from the yard.

I fell into a pile of leaves and no one knew where I was for a day. No, no, no,

no. No, it was not a day. I found you pretty quick.

You found me the next day. No, no, no.

It was not the next day. You were gone from noon to night. And you were gone 12

hours at most. And then we pressed a leaf into a book.

Well, I didn't have dinner.

Well, you did have dinner. You had pizza, so. Well, I didn't like it. Well,

you ate it. It's not dinner if you don't like it. It is dinner if you don't like

it. It doesn't matter if you don't like it. It's still dinner if you ate it.

Because you ate it all.

Nothing for a while.

Why don't you give us another fall tip? Oh, I would love to.

One of the things Coco and I love to do together is make these gorgeous dried

apple dolls.

And fun fact, we got the apples just this weekend at a beautiful local apple

orchard. My mom kissed a farmer. No, no.

Coco, no.

stuck me in the corn maze for three hours so she could kiss a farmer. Okay,

no, no, no, no. You got lost in the corn maze, and I was helped by a farmer.

Who you kissed? For a second! I kissed him for a second because I was scared

that I couldn't find you.

You weren't scared when you kissed him by the car. Okay, okay, okay, okay.

You are lost on the details of this story, Coco.

I mean, you don't know. And it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because I

found you. And we had a great fall day, and we made apple dolls.

And here it is!

And you're my best friend!

Colin, say it again for me.

I've said nothing.

Great. For my next spunky fall tip... Is the farmer my dad now? No, Coco. The

farmer's not your dad now.

Jesus. Okay, then who is?

Coco. Coco Bean. You are not doing this right now.

No, I've given you three clues. You have enough clues.

I'm sorry.

What are the clues?

Over 50, on TV, openly and proudly gay. Okay.

Well, I mean, now I definitely want to know. Well, I want to know how cool

everyone thinks it is to serve soup in a pumpkin.

Is it Sean Hayes? That's what I said! No, no, stop it! The mother who's

babysitter canceled everyone.

For Weekend Update, I'm Colin Duke. I'm Michael Che.

Good night!

I

love

you, Freddie.

You've always been my special boy.

Thank you, Mom.

I love you so much.

Just get some rest here.

Nurse, be honest with me.

How long do you think she has left?

You never truly know, but given her condition, I'd say it's a matter of

days.

I'd advise you to stick around this weekend if you want to be there for her

final moments.

Oh, God, no.

This can't be happening.

I'm sorry, Mr. Davis.

Losing a loved one is never easy.

You sure she can't make it a few more days?

Just because this weekend I have tickets to see Jelly Roll at the Sphere.

I'm sorry?

Just, like, schedule-wise, I'm just trying to work it all out, you know? So

is there any way we could push this to Monday?

I can't push it. It's gonna happen when it happens. Totally.

I'm sorry. I think I'm just...

Having a hard time processing all this.

You see, my mom and I were very close, and also I heard Teddy Swims might be

there.

What?

Teddy Swims. He might be opening for jelly at the Sphere.

Yeah, I don't know who that is.

Okay. You don't know who Teddy Swims is, and I'm supposed to let you kill my mom?

Hospice nurse. Look, I know it's hard, but you're gonna have to make this

decision yourself.

I'll give you some time to think.

Hey, Fred.

It's me, Jelly Roll.

Jelly? Oh, my God.

Hey, listen, man. I heard about what you're going through, man.

I know it's hard, Fred, but some things in life are just more important.

So I should stay here with my mom?

Heck no, dummy.

I'm saying come see me this weekend at the Sphere with Teddy Swims.

Hell, man, maybe I'll invite you on stage with me, and we'll find out you

have the voice of an angel.

I already know that I do.

Damn right you do.

Point is, Fred, you can't miss this.

Jelly on, brother.

Jelly on.

I know what I must do.

Gotta go to the concert.

I'm gonna leave her here with you at the hospital.

Hospice is not short for hospital.

Okay.

Mr. Davis, your mother is dying. I urge you to reconsider.

Fine.

Just give me a moment to think.

Man, it's a hard one, Fred.

You know, when I was in prison, there was one person I always turned to for

advice. Cool Jesus.

What's good, friend?

I'll give you my complete and total approval to pull up to the spear to see

my boy Jelly Roll.

We'll be turning water into Bud Light La Marina. Let's go!

Yes.

Thank you, Cool Jesus. You mean it? I don't need to be here with my mom?

Oh, relax, man. You'll be reunited with her in two weeks anyways.

Wait, what? Don't worry about it. What does that mean?

Don't worry about it, man. Don't worry about that.

Hey, besides, at my concert, you'll even meet a special somebody sitting in the

seat right next to you.

Hi, Fred.

Hi,

Fred. I'm fresh for divorce.

I love Jelly Roll, and I'm looking for a man to...

God, she's perfect.

And wait, Fred.

There's someone else here to see you, too.

Hi, Freddy.

It's your mom.

I just came here to say that I died a while ago and nobody noticed.

Oh, my God. What?

Oh, no.

I'm so sorry, Mr. Davis.

Wow, you did kill my mom. No, I didn't.

Excuse me. I just need a second to think.

I'm going to miss you so much, Freddie.

These next two weeks without you are going to be so tough.

Wait, why do people keep saying that?

What's going to happen in two weeks? I'm not canceling my submersible experience.

Don't worry about it. All I want is for you to be happy, be kind, and see Jelly

Roll live at the Sphere this weekend.

With Teddy Swim!

Once again, Rosalia.

It's all to me

Okay.

Welcome to the Clayton Middle School Chess Semifinals.

This is a game of concentration, so please check your volume.

Opening move, E4.

Nice. And I will be moving my pawn to C5.

Excellent openings, gentlemen.

Whoo! That's my baby!

Develop those pieces!

Get that horse involved!

Get the queen, son.

Castle his ass.

Are those your parents?

Um, I don't think so.

That's my son in the white. I gave birth to you right there in the TJ Maxx.

What's your name again?

TJ. Go, TJ.

That's my boy. Go.

Chet, that's enough.

Horn, God, you've got no class.

I got no class?

Oh, you're lucky I even let you come to this chit. It's not even your wake.

Oh, he's my son, too.

Oh, well, I know he's your son. You gave him them knock-knees and inverted

nipples.

Keep my nipples out of your mouth, woman.

And let's just remember where we are and what we're doing.

I will be moving before, as in before you learn that, about my body.

And I take your queen.

Oh, come on. Hit him back, son. Where are you, ref? That plate was dirty.

Almost as dirty as that scrawny little girlfriend you've got.

Tell me, how did you go from eating this whole piece, ten bucket of goodness, to

sucking on a bone every night?

So, I am right here.

Oh, I see you.

And your breath smells like a book.

Hey, um...

Night takes your rook.

Booyah!

That's our baby!

Sure is.

I gotta hand it to you. You got your brains.

And your legs.

Oh, what?

You mean these?

Don't you dare.

Remember this?

Remember this?

Takes me right back to high school.

Me in my skimpy little uniform at the big game.

Remember this?

Remember this?

Oh, I remember.

You were the pitcher of the softball team.

Everyone kept telling you to put your leg down and throw the ball.

Nothing made you crazier than watching me do my pitching grunts.

Do it for me.

Oh, that's right.

Then I showed up to your house after the big game in nothing but my cleats and a

foam finger.

Hey, here's a question. Should I go?

Yeah, sure, whatever.

And then we went back to the ball pit at Mickey D's and did what all lovers do.

By the time we left... The only balls that were left were the ones on your

body.

Okie dokie.

I'm just gonna boot this here and move that in. Hey, look, TJ Floodman is the

winner.

No, ma'am, you don't need to come up here. Shut up.

You were my knight, jumping over the board to get where you needed to go.

You were the queen.

Got a move you couldn't make.

And you were the king, barely moving at all.

But when I did, it made the board shake.

Check and mate.

Thomas, baby.

My thanks to Rosalia.

And sorry about earlier. Thank you guys very much. I had a good time.