Original subtitles

Are we ready to shoot?

Oh, yes, ma'am. Everyone's here. Okay, good.

Because the midterm polling is looking bleak. And hopefully these ad spots will

get the base excited.

Well, hey, if these Republican heavy hitters can't do it, no one can. Why

don't we start off with the Secretary of State? We're ready for you, Mr. Rubio.

Oh, please, call me Little Marco.

Oh, of course, of course. You know, we really need your help with the Latina

voters. So whenever you're ready, sir, okay?

And action.

Hello and hola.

Midterm elections are almost upon us. I have a message for my fellow Spanish

speakers about President Trump.

And then out of nowhere, he says, forget about Venezuela, now Iran, Iran.

And I'm like, what is it? Venezuela, Iran, Venezuela, Iran.

And then out of nowhere, Canada.

And every day, this guy eats the same food.

Hamburger, hamburger, hamburger, hamburger.

Chicken nugget, chicken nugget, chicken nugget, chicken nugget. One day, I tell

him, Mr. Trump, one salad.

And the guy says, boom, and he hits me in the face.

Thank you, and gracias.

Oh, my God.

Oh, wow.

I mean, I don't know what you said, but that sounded great.

My pleasure. Okay.

Okay, now, next, we have someone who will really get the base excited. Mr.

Vice President.

You rang?

Yes. Could you go in the hall and get the next person?

Oh, um, you don't want me to do one, or... Okay.

Okay, we need this next guy to get the Reagan Republicans out to the polls,

okay? Oh, Senator McConnell!

Great, thank you for making the time.

I'd like to do one, Edgar. I just don't see what that would do. No. Hey, in two

years, I might be president.

Okay.

Okay, that's funny. Okay, all right. Go ahead, Mr. Vice President. Give it a

shot. Thank you.

Sparkle, shine.

Cut.

I'm J.D. Vance. And cut.

Got it.

Superstar. Nice.

Thank you.

Oh, this is not going to work. I mean, don't we have anyone who can connect

with voters and isn't a liability?

No. But you got me.

The effing headset.

This is a lot.

Cut the track.

And everyone calm down. It's B-ro.

Okay? Spider-Man's new non-alcoholic bitch beer.

What's up, schlong donkeys?

Now, listen up, okay?

Because I need all you patriots at home to do the gayest thing ever and vote.

Because thanks to me, the military finally has its priorities and sexuality

straight.

Our warriors all have high teeth.

Testosterone.

Yeah, I'm talking muscles, huge.

and it's working.

Our soldiers are praying a lot more than they used to.

I'm always hearing them say, Dear God, why?

And now, finally, to show you how tough I am, I'm gonna do some weird slam

poetry for you.

Can I get some bongos?

In conclusion, vote, I guess.

And remember, even if you're stationed overseas, you can still vote by mail,

which is the only by mail I'm cool with. Hey, Seth, out.

Okay. I mean, that one weirdly might work. I think we're done.

Wrong. Let me cook.

Oh. Okay, sure, Mr. President. Go ahead. All right, I'm President Trump, and I

approve this ramble. We're getting boned out.

But not for long, because I have a solution.

If the Republicans win, I'll give everyone $5,000, and that is not a

bribe, because I have no intention of following through on that promise.

So just pretend I'm on the ballot, okay? You have to use something called

imagination.

Imagination makes a magnation.

Wow. That's pretty good.

I can already see that written on the back of an obese woman's booty shorts in

dirty, disgusting Myrtle Beach.

What a hellhole this country is. It's full of awful people. So I know it's

hard, but please vote for Republicans, okay? And, yes, that includes creepy Ken

Paxton down there in Texas.

Goddamn, I hate that guy. Look at that. I don't know why I don't like him. I do,

actually. It's his eye.

Hate that eye.

You can't say that kind of thing anymore, but I can, and I do all the

time. Remember this one? Oh, oh, oh, okay, okay, okay.

What are you gonna do about it? Well, all right, hi. Well, Mr. President, that

was great. And while we have you, would you mind recording a victory message in

case we win the midterms? Of course.

We did it. We won. Nobody has ever won so much before.

Great. And then can we get one just in case we lose?

Of course.

We did it. We won. And live from...

It's Saturday Night Live!

It's Saturday Night Live!

With... Michael Chang!

Mikey Day!

Andrew Dismutes!

Marcello Fernandez James

Austin Johnson

Colin

Frost

Ashley

Medea

Sarah Sherman Keenan

Thompson Jane

Wickline featuring

Saida Belosakieh

Tommy Brennan

Jeremy Colhane Dan Marshall

Cam

Patterson Brace Ryder

Veronica Slowikowska

Musical guest, turnstile, and your host,

Dakota Johnson.

Ladies and gentlemen, Dakota Johnson.

excited to be hosting tonight especially because at the stroke of midnight it's

my birthday and I'm doing what I always do on my birthday

which is stand in midtown in a tight-ass latex dress looking for attention

the last time I was here I was promoting a movie called madam webb

And tonight, I'm still promoting it.

Because the movie hasn't made any money yet.

What else has happened since last time I hosted?

Well, I went through two very public, very lame

breakups with two very awesome musicians.

Looking for a third.

Hey there, Dakota.

Leon, thank you. Thank you. Okay.

I'm just gonna... Sorry.

I'm just... I'm sorry.

Sorry.

Thought about it.

I'm not gonna talk about my personal life in my monologue. I'm here to talk

about my new movie, Verity.

And in the movie, Anne Hathaway and I have a make-out scene, and now

she's pregnant, so...

You do the math.

The movie is a psychosexual, erotic thriller. And you know what?

So is dating musicians.

Some of them don't wear shoes.

Some of them are terrible in bed.

But all of them are in my DMs.

It's not my fault, though.

Some people leave concerts with merch, and I leave concerts with a two-and-a

-half-year relationship.

I have really good friends.

They don't judge me for dating these men. They're actually really supportive.

Ladies and gentlemen,

my literal therapist.

I'm not your therapist, actually. You just show up once a week at my house

with an empty bottle of wine and ask if I want some.

Well, I have manners.

And then you flop on my couch and overshare, and every so often I just

say, damn, that's crazy.

Is that not a therapist? And then I go, well, you know, oh, it's getting late. I

should probably go to bed.

And then you say... Weep over, yay!

And then I give you a Pedialyte, and my security drives you home.

Well, just...

Quickly, while we're on the subject of musicians, I think, actually, I'm doing

a public service by dating them, because, ladies, I am saving you a lot

of money on Zoloft.

So you're welcome, America.

And also England and parts of Ireland and Cleveland, allegedly.

Welcome back to Press Your Luck.

I'm Elizabeth Banks, and I said yes to this job while I was wine drunk.

We're about to go to the big money board, but first, let's meet our excited

contestants.

Hi, I'm Donald.

I said the B word on The Price is Right, and I hope that doesn't happen here.

Hello, I'm Lucas. I have a beautiful wife, a beautiful ex-wife, and an ugly

girlfriend.

Okay, let's see those prizes.

Along with cash is a brand-new Jeep, pottery classes with Seth Rogen, and

Advil for life. Whoo-hoo!

But stay away from the whammy, because he will take away all your money.

Ugh! I hate him!

I hate his guts!

Okay.

Let's get started.

I'm ready to play!

Whoo-hoo!

Perfect. Donald, you're up first with three spins.

Okay, big money, big money, Jeep Langer. I want to drive it. No whammy and stop.

All right, $2,000.

You want to press your luck and spin for more?

Oh, no way. I'm scared of that whammy, Elizabeth, so I'm going to pass my

spins.

Okay, we're passing them over to Lucas. Lucas, you're up.

Okay, here we go. Big money, big money. Okay, maybe a little money.

Keep that cash and pass my spin.

All right, Sherry, the time has come. Yes!

You have seven spins. Yes!

Sherry. All right, big money, big money, no whammy, no whammy, stop!

Oh, my God.

Sherry, I've never seen this. You've won a million dollars.

That's my luck!

No, Sherry, what?

What? You sure about that?

The whammy took your money.

Then I'll get it back.

Press my luck!

Big money, big money, no whammy, no whammy. Stop!

Yay!

Sherry, I genuinely cannot believe I'm saying this. You won't win again.

Please do not.

Press my luck!

Sherry, no.

Do you know what just happened? Do you remember what just happened? You had a

million dollars and the whammy took it.

What a dick.

Yes, exactly.

So what are you going to do?

I'm going to press my luck.

Big money, big money, no whammy.

Listen, Sherri, listen to me seriously.

You just won the most money anyone has ever won on this show.

No, I don't know why you keep winning or where we found you, but I know exactly

what you're about to do. No, you don't, because I'm about to press my luck!

No! What is happening?

You have to pass your spin, please. I know what I'm doing!

Hey, listen to me, you big dummy!

We're trying to help you. You could win $5 million.

I want the Advil.

You can buy the Advil with $5 million.

It's too complicated. It is so easy. You idiot. Just buy it. Where?

Where? Where?

Where? I don't know. CVS, you stupid bitch.

Babe, what do you want to eat tonight?

I'm good with anything.

Do you think I should get a haircut?

Sure, if you want to. Which of these shirts should I wear to dinner?

They're both so cute.

Has this ever happened to you?

Your nice, supportive girlfriend won't give you a straight answer, and you're

left wondering how she really feels?

Well, not anymore.

Introducing mean, scary girlfriend.

Ready for dinner.

Oh, good. You look like a pedophile on vacation.

At least I'm on vacation.

No, I'll change. With Mean Scary Girlfriend, you never have to wonder

what's on her mind. You need to change your hair.

What? You look like a campus recruiter for Turning Point USA.

And that's good to know. She also comes preloaded with catchphrases, like... No,

go change.

Call a car, we're leaving.

Do you have a lazy eye?

Before Mean Scary Girlfriend, I wasn't 100% sure I was balding. But now...

I know I am. You see, it's the corners.

Uh-huh. You need to go to Turkey while you still can.

And for some reason, Mean Scary Girlfriend only wants to have sex on the

worst day of your life.

I'm just really gonna miss my grandpa.

Wanna?

Okay. Go shower.

Okay, you got it. I haven't picked a TV show in two years. I don't even remember

what I like anymore.

And of course, Mean Scary Girlfriend comes with Dog Who Hates You.

She even comes with a series of insane ex-boyfriends, such as hot tattoo

artist, jacked blue collar guy, and randomly, Bobby Flay. Going to dinner

with your friends is like going to war. If war was a bunch of women and one gay

guy implying I'm poor.

Thank you. Oh, you just paid with a debit card.

And if you're still not sold, get this.

She also comes with a fiercely protective best friend who's addicted to

cocaine. I swear to God, if you even think about hurting her, I will end your

pathetic little... Oh, my God, this is my son!

They're the kind of friends where you look at them and you know they've seen

your pics.

But every six months when mean, scary girlfriend randomly says something nice,

it feels like God himself is shining his light on you. It's a good shirt.

Are you crying?

Pussy.

Mean, scary girlfriend.

Admit it. You want one.

Next week, Shane Gillis and musical guest Rosalia.

Becca, how did surgery go today?

Oh, it was great.

I mean, the guy didn't make it, but we seriously had so much fun. Oh, my God.

Thank God you guys are here. I just heard some insane gossip.

Gossip girl Chris to the building.

Okay, so this stays between us for real, but I heard Dr.

Sylvie and Dr.

Mandy have been hooking up.

What? But she's his boss. I know, and it's been going on for months.

Okay, well, I've got something even crazier.

Go. Okay, okay.

So, apparently, Leslie from Nuro faked her maternity leave.

There was no baby. She just wanted two months in Azerbaijan.

Shut up. You've got to be kidding. That's insane.

Well, I heard... Eric from Legal is going through, like, a really hard time

right now.

Aren't you Eric from Legal?

that the new pharmacist, Brian, he's been selling Adderall to his daughter's

college friends.

Yeah, not only that, but he's also dating one of them.

Yeah, not only that, but Eric's wife is a lesbian.

And when she told him he cried so hard, he threw up in a bag.

Eric, are you okay?

Oh, yeah.

Just gossiping with my girls.

Okay. Well, you know, I... I heard that Chris from Ortho got promoted.

And I heard Eric's therapist just called him pathetic.

Oh.

Eric, this isn't gossip. You're just revealing sad information about

yourself. Yeah, gossip is supposed to be about other people. Like, you work with

Megan, right?

Megan? Oh, yeah.

I have some piping hot goss about that girl.

Okay, that's Bill!

Well... Apparently, last Thursday, Megan went to jail.

No. What?

Yeah, to pick up Eric.

Apparently, he was begging to be arrested.

Oh, Eric, no, no.

Okay, bitches, I am a little teapot, so tip me over because I needs to spill.

Jermaine! Jermaine.

Yes, Jermaine always has the filthy...

Mm-hmm, and today's is a full seven of filthy with a side of nasty, okay?

You know Steve and Emily, that cute little couple that runs the cafe

downstairs? Well, they just got their 23andMe back, and it turns out they are

full-on brother and sister.

Oh, my God.

And they were triplets.

And the third one, she and Al Qaeda.

Al Qaeda?

No. Mm-hmm.

Now, what y'all got for Jermaine? Okay, well, I heard Eric from Legal has an AI

girlfriend. Sorry.

Had. She killed herself.

Who is Eric from Legal?

Me.

Oh, my honey baby, no. Why?

I'm sorry, okay? I just have no one else to talk to. I just spent all day with

lame Dr. Gould.

You mean the head of medicine?

Uh, yeah.

She just tells me all her secrets, and I'm like, shut up.

Wait, Eric, that means you have gossip.

Wait, really?

Yeah. Well,

apparently, her daughter, who works in research, has an

OnlyFans that Eric is blocked from.

What's going on? with you, Helen. You look stressed.

Sorry. My husband's thinking about buying a gun. Oh, boy. My husband, too.

Men and their guns.

Well, you know what Freud said?

That guns are like an extension of their manhood.

Don't you guys wish there was a gun for us?

Not really. A gun that was an extension of our womanhood?

Well, now, there is. Oh. Oh, my God.

Introducing... Guns for women. Is that a vagina?

Cool, right?

Finally, a gun for us.

Cheryl, I don't want a gun for women. I don't want a gun at all.

Come on. I'll show you how it works.

Don't be scared. It's for women.

Where's the trigger?

It's really hard to find.

I don't think it's working.

You have to warm it up a little. How?

You know.

Okay.

Cheryl, let's be done. You don't want to see it go off? It doesn't go bang when

you shoot. It goes like, hey.

Cheryl, I don't like this. You know what? The only thing that stops a bad

guy with a gun is a good girl with a the gun. Cheryl, I have never liked you. You

know how law rhymes with, well, you know. This is called a glunt.

Okay, I'm going home. Bye, guys. Isn't this your house?

Damn it.

Cheryl, listen, I don't care who it's for. Owning a gun is far more dangerous

than... I got it!

Great shot. You go, girl.

I just, um, I don't like how it looks.

Oh, okay. Then put a little skirt on it. Oh, Cheryl!

Whose idea was this?

A bunch of guys. Oh, my God. Cheryl, you have to leave.

Oh, I get it. Because I'm a woman.

We're all women. Right.

But what if I told you?

Get that thing out of here!

So no one wants to buy one? No!

Did I tell you that it has to go to the doctor once a year? Oh, come on!

Guns for women.

Available at the opposite of Dick's Sporting Goods.

Your

Highness,

Northmen plunder your lands in the East.

Meanwhile, your traitorous brother-slash-lover gathers a host in

the marshlands.

Thank you, Sir Cressley. That will be enough.

You may take your leave.

Sir Alaric, can you stay behind?

Your Grace.

I've seen the way you look at me, Sir Alaric. Do you deny it?

It's true, Your Grace.

I burn for you.

But I'm the head of your queen's guard.

Taking an oath of chastity.

Listen not to your head, but to your urges. Come, lay with me.

All right.

I suppose I've been... I've been waiting for this moment.

Just out of curiosity, is your dragon going to watch the whole time?

Just because it's like a little... It's a little unsettling.

I mean, am I crazy?

I know, it's weird, but if I put him outside, he's just gonna scratch at the

door, and it's, like, so distracting.

Ah, gotcha.

Totally. Now, where were we?

The beginning of sex, I believe.

Enough talking.

Take off your armor.

As you wish, my queen.

Might just keep it on, though.

Oh, my God. Would you relax?

Theraxis doesn't even know what's going on. It's just... He just, you know,

looks at it, and it looks like two shapes bouncing against each other.

What? Like this.

Okay.

Now take me.

Take me and toss me around like a dirty little doll made of straw.

Oh, my.

But... Won't Thoraxus think I'm hurting you? No, he really understands. It's the

kind of sex I like.

Come on. So then he does understand what's going on.

A little.

He talks?

A tiny bit. Look, is this going to happen or not? Because I just, I really

want you to do me brother style.

Okay, gross.

But yes, I want to do this. I'm just a little thrown.

Well, don't be. I'm here with you. Promise, you'll be fine.

You're right.

Copy that?

Maybe... Of course, loud and clear.

What about... Okay.

This is too weird. This is too weird. Well, me and Thoraxus are kind of a

package deal. Okay, fine.

I get that.

But does your eunuch also have to be in the room?

Who, me?

Obviously, yes.

Don't mind Dojo.

He doesn't even know what's going on.

Yes, to me, it just looks like two shapes bouncing around having sex.

Besides, I don't even have testicles.

Do you have a penis?

Well, you tell me.

Oh, so no.

Guess why did I even ask that?

Because you were curious.

Everyone is curious about Jogo.

I've lived a life most fascinating.

Okay, enough of Jogo.

I just realized what I must do to prove my worthiness as a man.

I must slay thy dragon.

Theraxis is no match for my blade.

Theraxis murdered the absolute hell out of Sir Alaric.

The queen spent another lonely night piling for someone to do her brother

style. And as for me, Jogo, well, I continue to live my life most

fascinating. Until next time, Jogo out.

Ladies and gentlemen, turns down.

Please, there's something about growth!

Yeah

It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Thank you.

Thank you very much. Good evening, everyone.

Welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost.

Well, this week, Defense Secretary and A.A. sponsor's nightmare, Pete Hegseth,

said that new U.S. military standards mean, quote, no more drag shows, no

fatties, no beardos, no weirdos, no wimps, no radicals. So, basically, he's

banning the entire career of Mike Myers.

Also this week, the White House removed CNN from the press pool covering

President Trump's trip to Texas mid-flight.

President Trump, who now has the exact same posture as Bullwinkle,

said he convinced AI executives to sign a deal that is morally

binding. You know, like the devil.

President Trump is now claiming that the new White House ballroom will have armed

drones and a mow and an elevator and a laser gun and a giant water swine.

During a Hispanic Heritage Month celebration at the White House in which

President Trump showed attendees the new ballroom floor, he warned them about

falling over the edge, but added, only a Hispanic could survive that fall.

which got no reaction from the crowd because people prefer racism to make

sense.

In an interview, Vice President J.D. Vance said that in this year's midterms,

Republicans face an uphill climb.

But, hey, they've done it before.

A new report shows that Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton, who is running as

Republican for Senate, has taken more than 275 out-of-state trips while in

office. Damn. He must have needed a lot of abortions.

Republicans in Texas are attacking Democratic Senate nominee James

Tallarico by questioning his masculinity and calling him low-T.

Tallarico said he wished people would stop saying that as he blew the seeds

off a dandelion.

In an effort to win back Hispanic support before the midterms, the Trump

administration sent J.D. Vance to campaign in South Texas. And if that

doesn't work, they'll send in the Chupacabra.

He didn't like the... Whatever, Colin.

Former Homeland Secretary Kristi Noem... has officially filed for divorce from

her husband, Brian Noem. And I guess we'll never know why.

Kristi Noem said that she's sad about the divorce, but is always happy to

separate another family.

I like that.

Tennessee tried and failed to execute a woman on death row after injecting her

with lethal drugs twice.

said the woman. Okay, now do a silly one.

Of course, one of the big stories in the news this week is the sexual assault

case at Cornell.

And obviously, we don't want to make light of anything that happened, but it

is a good time to talk about men holding other men accountable.

And look, we all have that one friend that seems like a nice guy, but, you

know, they're definitely not.

And it could be someone you're close to or someone you work with.

Maybe you can't prove anything.

You could just look at him and tell those weird privileged Ivy League types

always got some messed up stuff going on.

And, Colin, did you want to add anything?

What?

Stop cutting to me. All right.

Don't want to help women. Cool.

Let's just get back to jokes then. One hand for Colin.

Wasn't it a Cory Booker? No, no. He doesn't deserve it.

Senator Cory Booker has introduced three bills to stop the White House from

naming an aircraft carrier after President Trump instead of honoring a

Black war hero.

Trump has proposed a compromise to name it after his favorite Black war hero,

Robert Downey Jr.

Close enough, man.

Grand Theft Auto 6 is so highly anticipated that all other video games

have pushed their release dates to avoid competing with it this November, except

one other game. Here to comment on their epic showdown are the two games'

protagonists, Jason from GTA 6 and Link from Legend of Zelda The Ocarina of

Time.

What's up?

What's up?

Are y'all ready?

to Vice City and steal some cars or what? Let me hear you.

Or are you all ready to go to the kingdom of Hyrule and solve some

puzzles?

Yeah!

Yeah.

Now, I don't know much about gaming because I've had sex, but...

I'm told that people are calling your releases the Barbenheimer of video

games. Nah, bro. The only way this is like Barbenheimer is that I blow stuff

up, and he looks like a little blonde girl.

No, I don't. Yes, you do, man. What do you mean? You got, like, a little green

dress on.

Shows what you know. This is my adventure tunic.

God, you're such an idiot!

It looks like a dress, bro. It's a tunic! No, it looks like a dress.

No, it's not.

It's a tunic. Then what's a tunic? A tunic is a dress for a boy.

Right, Che?

Right, Che?

Che knows.

Che knows.

Whatever, man.

Let me tell you what I did in my game yesterday, right? Yesterday, right? I

woke up. I broke my thick Latina girlfriend out of prison.

And then I smashed her.

Yawn! Yawn!

Then I robbed a bank, I stole a car, I went to the airport, stole a Boeing

Dreamliner. Boring!

Boring!

And then I landed that hoe next to the strip club. Gross. Ew.

And at the strip club, I spent a million dollars on a girl named Cinnamon who

hates her dad.

Ew!

Meanwhile, over in Hyrule...

I woke up, bought magic beans from a shopkeeper, then played my ocarina.

What even is that?

Oh, like you don't know.

I don't know. No one knows what it is. It's a ceramic wind flute. It controls

time and the weather.

God, Shay, tell him, Shay.

Shay doesn't know.

Why does it... Shay knows. No, he doesn't. Shay knows. Why does it... He's

not... He doesn't know.

He's not... Why does a wind flute control time and weather? Stop asking

him more questions.

Okay? It sounds like you both have great stuff to offer in your games. A lot to

offer. That's great. Yeah, but I got more to offer. My game got sex appeal,

man. Like, look at this baddie.

Oh, damn.

She's an NPC, too. There's thousands of girls like that. She don't even got a

purpose. She's just fine like that for no reason. There's no baddies. There's

no baddies in his game. Oh, my game doesn't have baddies?

Then who?

That looks like your little brother, bro.

Princess Zelda, the prettiest girl in Hyrule. And let's just say me and her

are friends and that's it.

Friends and that's it? Yeah.

That sucks, man.

I mean, Colin, listen, I respect all the Zelda games, but... Listen,

man, I'm gonna beat your ass.

I'll use a potion.

Right, Shane?

Listen. Listen, man.

Respect to all the Zelda games.

They're all right, but they're all TMPNG.

They're TMPNG?

Yeah. Too many puzzles, no guns.

Oh. Look, look. Look at what you can buy at a store in GTA 6. You can just buy

this, man.

You can just buy it like it's Advil at a store. You just buy this.

It's awesome. This is an RPG, okay? You can blow anything up with this, whatever

you want.

Dude! This is badass.

Oh, you want to talk badass?

How about this?

Fairy in a boxhole.

You can just buy this.

You can just buy this. Three magic frogs, and it gets you this.

What does that even do?

It heals all your hearts. God, you're an idiot!

All right, man, stop.

Stop. Stop.

Listen, we're done. We're done, man. We're done. Oh, man!

We're done here. We're done here. Yo, America, GTA 6 this November.

Destruction, chaos, and sex.

Legend of Zelda Ocarina of Time remake this November.

Puzzles, light combat, my healed fairy.

killed this fairy.

It was reported that... It was reported that Sean Combs

pays his fellow inmates to clean his bathroom, and then he pays them a little

more to make it nasty.

You have to go to a Diddy joke.

Newly discovered records suggest that in 1931, Adolf Hitler may have murdered his

niece. Okay, that's strike two.

LeBron James attended his first press conference as a 76-year-old.

Scientists at a lab in Switzerland have developed a robotic hand that can walk

on its fingers.

That's not all it can do, said the night janitor.

Ryan Murphy recently announced he's working on a reboot of the hit show.

Here to give his thoughts on the return of Glee is Cam Patterson.

What up, Tate? Can you believe it? Glee is back!

Yeah! Cam.

Cam, there is no way you're a Glee fan.

What? You mean a Gleek? Yeah, Tate. I'm a total Gleek. I'm a Glooniak.

I couldn't be more excited for Glee to be back. That can't be true, Cam. You're

right. Because I'm kind of nervous.

They got to get it right, man.

Get Glee right? What are you talking about?

It's been 12 years.

So, like, what are our favorite characters up to? Is Rachel Berry still

on Broadway?

What about Kurt?

You know what I'm going to say about Kurt.

I obviously don't know what you're going to say about Kurt.

Are him and Blaine still together? They better be together, Chase.

They better be together.

I love them.

You got to stop.

Stop talking about Glee characters, Cam. You're right. And start talking about

the music. Speaking of which, Hamilton!

Glee has got to cover Hamilton.

I just gave myself chills.

Feel my arm. Feel my arm. I'm shaking chills, man.

Cam.

Yeah?

Look, I know you, man.

You don't have to say yes to every idea the white writers pitched to you.

What are you talking about? I love Glee.

You don't know what the hell Glee is, Cam.

Without looking at the cards, name one character from Glee.

Don't look. What do you mean? Don't look.

Santana Montana.

Yeah.

Fine. I don't even know if that's right, but I know you don't know either.

All right, yeah, you got me. You got me, man. Look, Cam, I've worked here, what,

30, 35 years?

I know what this is. Two white writers came up to you in suits, pitched you an

idea about Glee, and now you're out here saying a bunch of names you've never

heard before, right?

Yes.

And you've never seen Glee?

Not once.

And how do you feel?

Pretty bad.

I just did jazz hands on national television.

Look, they do the same thing to me, man. You think I know what the Strait of

Hormuz is?

I just read it. Here's my advice. When you come out here, just be yourself,

okay? That's who we hire. We want to hear from you, okay?

Talk about what you want to talk about. Oh, okay.

Yeah. All right, for sure. Can I talk about the time I got robbed during a

threesome? No, no, no, no.

Okay, what about how I've never voted in my life?

Definitely. No, don't do that. No, something else. Okay, I got a fun story

about, like, me going to a strip club.

I mean, maybe that could work. All right, for sure. Okay, here it goes,

here it goes. Let me set the scene.

I was 14 years old. No, Cam.

I keep forgetting you're from Florida. Listen, no.

Let's go back to TV. What TV shows do you watch? Okay, look, I'm not gonna lie

to you. I like The Office.

Great. How'd you get into The Office?

Okay, listen, so I was hanging out with this white lady, right? And quick

question. Can I say fellatio on TV? No, Cam.

Absolutely not. Cam Patterson, everybody.

Actor Dennis Haskins, who played Principal Belding on the 90s sitcom

Saved by the Bell... ...died this week.

So much work went into

that.

After a recent nor'easter hit, the Jersey Shore residents reported seeing a

shark swimming down a flooded street, looking for the guy who knocked up his

sister.

You like that?

Put me in the cast, Lauren.

I was transported to New Jersey.

Police in Michigan reported that a toddler at a daycare center pulled a

loaded handgun from his backpack.

So I guess it is recess, bitch.

Studies show that many Americans are experiencing dating app fatigue and

looking to return to more traditional methods of meeting someone.

Here with her ideas about who I should date, hold on, is New York City

matchmaker Debbie Mush.

Hello, Shay. I came here as fast as I could. I understand it's an emergency.

Well, I didn't say it was an emergency.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I don't interrupt you while you're trying to do your jorb. Please don't

interrupt me while I'm trying to do my jorb.

Okay. Hey, I'm so good at my jorb, I got JoJo Siwa back on boys.

I'm not even gonna comment on that, but... Okay, no, Shay, okay. Let's start

by identifying your wills and your won'ts, okay? For example, are you open

to dating a convicted felon?

Uh, no, I don't think so.

Okay.

What?

What? We're learning, Shay.

It's very helpful, okay? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. I got a good one for you, Shay. I

got a good one. Okay. I got a really good feeling about this client.

She seems as appropriate.

She's creative.

She makes her own money. Your political views completely align.

It's J.K. Rowling. No.

No, I think I can do a little better than J.K. Rowling. Okay.

How about this one? Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Shay, Shay, I got a really good

girl for you. She's approachable. She's sweet. She come from a really good

family. All right, all right. That sounds promising. I'm listening. So,

sadly, she has passed.

But you're welcome to visit her grave site any time you want. She's dead?

You know what, Shay? You know what? Her spirit is actually coming forward right

now, and she says she's not interested.

Alright, look, I'm requesting that the girl I date be at least alive.

Okay.

Okay. Okay.

What? Why? Okay.

Why do you have so many dead clients?

Ooh, Shay, Shay, Shay. I love this one, okay? She's got a really big

personality. She's married, but they open, okay?

22-millimeter waist, 22-millimeter feet. She's a potato.

It's Mrs. Potato Head.

No. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Look at me, Shay.

Look at me, Shay. I don't know where you get off being so picky, okay?

Because look at you. You're 435,000 years old, okay?

You live underneath a railroad track, okay? You drink like a fish.

You have sex like a fish. You weigh 349 pounds. I don't weigh 349 pounds.

Okay, okay, okay.

How about this one, Shay?

She's industrious. She's competitive.

She's the girl who crapped her pants during the Chinese marathon.

Chinese marathon?

That's not what it's called.

Hey, hey.

Please don't waste my time, Shay. Please don't waste my time, okay?

Your expectations are up here. I'm gonna need them down here. Hey, get your hand

out of there.

You know what? You know what? Fine.

Let's take a break, Shay, okay?

Let's talk ideal breast shape.

Tell me when.

Tell me when.

Tell me when.

Tell me when. None of those. Tell me when. Tell me when.

Tell me when.

Sell me one.

Sell me one.

You know what? Okay.

Fine, Shay. You've rubbed me. Roar. Okay? I'll bring out my ringer. You've

rubbed me.

Roar. I'll bring out my ringer. Okay? She's drop dead gorgeous.

Okay? Her credit is bad.

Her body is worse. She's good with her hands. She's bad with her mouth. She's

sitting right next to you. It's me.

No.

Debbie, I am not going on a date with you.

Shay, what if I told you I got no gag reflex? I could swallow a cue ball in

the water.

Fine, I'll go on a date with you for a date, and I'm not paying for your Uber.

Deal. Thank you much, everybody.

I'll be in the dressing room. I'll be in the dressing room.

All right, my diva queens.

Lights out pretty soon, okay?

Okay, Dad.

All right. If you need anything, just holler.

Thanks, Mr. Seppardini. Thanks, Mr. Seppardini.

Hey, can I show you guys this girl that I'm obsessed with? Yes, please.

Okay, she literally does the best Get Ready With Me videos.

Hi, guys.

Get ready with me for the first day of eighth grade, because y'all know I gotta

do a full before-home room.

God, she's so cute. Wait, have you seen this one?

Get ready with me for my shift in the ER.

I don't want no scrubs.

More like I love my scrubs. My Pikachu ones, that is.

God, she's so cutiful. Wait, you guys know Colorado Vicky, right?

Who? Colorado Vicky. She does the actual best get ready with me's. Here, let's

check this out.

Hey, guys, get ready. for court-ordered electroshock therapy.

So, I'm doing no moisturizer today because you're gonna want these little

thingies to really stick to your temples.

And as for makeup today, I'm just gonna be going with an understated bright

green lip because it's a shade that can easily go on day to night, earth to

hell.

They said that 500 volts should work this time, but I don't know. We'll see.

Hashtag... Stop me, Daddy.

I'm sorry, what was that?

Colorado Vicky. I'm legitimately addicted to her ass.

Really? She seems unwell.

Oh, she's well. Trust me. Check this out.

Hey, cheeky titas. Get ready with me to get 5150'd on the roof of a San

Bernardino Whole Foods.

First... You're going to want to take this Oribe heatless styling balm and

tease your bangs up super high like your hair is trying to escape your scalp.

And then you're going to want to put on a mask made of mirrors so that the flat

cameras can't find you after you bite a cop.

Ugh,

isn't she so goals? No, not at all.

Hey, soul sisters. Any of y'all want some bagel bites?

We're good, Dad.

No problem, O'Queens. I'm just gonna go drink in the pool for a while, stay in

the deep end, and have myself a think.

Is your dad okay?

Yeah, he always comes in happy, but the second he's done talking, the lights go

out in his eyes.

Yeah, whatever.

He's fine.

Wait, you guys, look at this one. It's kind of like my makeup bible.

Hey, guys, happy no-blinking October.

I'm currently on three days in. Okay, outfit of the day, this is what I'm

wearing to handcuff myself to a public figure.

Drop a comment below if you know where to find Turtle from Entourage.

Oh, my God.

How did you find these videos? They have, like, four views.

I don't know. Guess my algorithm is just cool-mazing.

Hey, my sassy mama chicas, anybody want some Cajun tots?

No, thanks, Mr. Saffordini. Okay, glad y'all are having fun. I'm having kind of

a rough day myself.

See, my boss found my Sailor Moon costume.

Spread like wildfire on Slack.

Anyway, I'm gonna go take a jog down the middle of the highway, so just holler if

you hoochie mamas need a pizza roll.

God, so spooky.

Where does his smile go?

And you can still see his feet. When he leaves, he just stands outside the door.

Oh, my God, you guys, stop giving him attention. That's, like, exactly what he

wants. Wait, you guys have to see this one. It's the best.

Get ready with me to make brunch and give myself a lobotomy.

You're gonna want to start by finding a really good power drill.

Hashtag L'Oreal partner.

She's sponsored by L'Oreal?

I'd be so jealous if she didn't totally deserve it.

Hey, my little white C-words, anyone want some N.A. kettle corn?

Ted, what the hell?

We're good, dude.

Hey, cool beans. Well, I'm just gonna go lay down in the grass and put some dirt

in my mouth, see what it feels like. Let the bugs do their thing.

Should we call someone about your dad?

No, he's just in a funk, because, like, mom left, his boss found his Sailor Moon

costume, and he didn't realize that DraftKings was real money.

I just met wandering around a golf course 45 seconds ago.

Hey, my little pizza sluts.

Once again, turn style.

All right.

But that's what I can't stand All because you know I

can't All because you know

Deep in the night, I'm waiting for the call Deep in

the night, I'm waiting for the call Won't be surprised

by anything, oh Deep in the night,

I'm waiting for the call And there's a ringing when you talk to me

Talk to me

Every day somewhere in the world something unbelievable happens to

someone. Something that challenges the very core of what we believe.

Every day, somewhere in the world, someone experiences the impossible.

This is Amazing Tales of Truth.

Doctor, please.

There must be some way to wake my father from this coma.

I'm sorry, ma'am. There's nothing we can do.

What if I sang?

What do you mean?

Well, my father's always loved my singing.

Maybe it will wake him.

Ma'am, I'm sorry, but there's no medical reason why that would work. Well, I have

to try.

Papa, if you can hear me, this is for you.

Once in a lullaby Somewhere

over the rainbow

Skies are blue

And the dreams

that you dare to dream Really do come true

Did it work?

It did not.

That's not how comas work.

This guy got hit by a bus. What the hell's singing a song gonna do?

You see, every day, somewhere in the world, something unbelievable happens to

someone. But this?

This was not one of those things.

That day, a guy in Croatia floated off the ground for a bit.

No one was around to film it.

God, I wish we had that footage.

But we don't.

But maybe we will.

Next time, on Amazing Hills of Fruit.

much to Turnstile, to Tabor's Good.