Original subtitles

Why are we having a barbecue?

It's freezing.

Because four days ago it was really hot.

Come on, this is fun, all right? Let's play a drinking game. OK, I'll start.

Never have I ever kissed two boys on the same night.

Guilty.

Me next.

Never have I ever accidentally booked a neo-Nazi to headline a music festival

for three nights without a backup plan.

Girl, you said you wouldn't breathe.

Is that Melania Trump?

I said, never have I ever been friends with billionaire pedophile Jeffrey

Epstein.

What are you doing in a garden in Croydon?

I am here to stop you nasty people spreading rumours about me.

We weren't doing that. We weren't even talking about you.

Yeah, like, your husband literally started a war to distract us from it. It

was kind of working, to be fair to the lad. Yeah.

New game, charades. I'll go first.

Is it the Epstein Files?

Yes.

And, oh, look, I am not in them.

God, this area has changed so much since they opened that Gales.

Uh, look, it was really... nice meeting you but we're gonna go back inside good

idea let's go inside not you you're making it weird

i beg for one last chance i have no friends

since they all randomly died in a maximum security prison

fine but this is legit your last chance diva okay okay final game

do truth and lie

I love my new friends. I like poor people.

excited to be your host tonight.

And can I start by saying, what an amazing series it has already been.

SNL UK crushing it with some amazing hosts as well. Week one, they had

SNL royalty.

Week two, they had an international sex symbol. Week three, an Academy Award

winner. And this week, you guys get the star of Clifford the Big Red Dog.

SNL UK, I love that. Do you know what else I love? I love that finally we've

taken one of their shows, right?

Yeah, America's had enough of us.

Yeah, they had The Office, The Bake Off.

They had that one, the reality show my fiancé loves, the one where they follow

the dating lives of people with learning difficulties.

Love Island, Love Island.

deal this is a big deal hosting this but you know what it's not even the biggest

thing that's going on in my life right now because next week i am genuinely

getting married thank you yeah i really shouldn't be here i

am the groom though that's very much a ceremonial role i just am there to nod

everything through it has been noted the other day my fiancee turned to me she

went jack in one of those meetings with the wedding planners when they were

talking to you it was literally like they were talking to a wall

I was thinking, yeah, a wall with a cash machine in it.

It is honestly out of control. The flowers, the canapes, the band. We only

went and booked bloody Scott Mills as the wedding DJ.

Not seeing that deposit again.

Everything has to be bespoke as well. Bespoke, that is a word right now that

makes my sphincter clench.

She insisted on having bespoke invitations, right? These ridiculous

things. It was like on a fold-out booklet, handwritten in quill by a blind

Franciscan monk.

Bits of parchment paper that had been ripped out the back of the Magna Carta,

sealed with a gold ribbon and delivered to all of our guests via peacock.

They asked me what I wanted for invitations. I said, what is wrong with

a WhatsApp group?

Simple, efficient, easy to kick anyone off if they ask to bring a child.

Nope. Had to fork out for a calligrapher instead.

A calligrapher. How is that still even a thing?

Every day I read about how AI is coming for our jobs. How has it not come for

the calligraphers already?

is a calligrapher affording his mortgage in 2026?

Oh, I'll tell you how. This schmuck here... Really gone for the calligraphy

community tonight.

You can already see it. I'm going to get a load of angry letters in beautiful

handwriting.

We over-invited as well.

The other day, my missus, she turned to me and she said, oh, Jack, you know,

sometimes I wish that it could just be me and you.

You couldn't have mentioned that before?

Where was this attitude six months ago?

I don't want to see any of these people.

I've spent the last two months praying for another pandemic.

Thankfully, though, I did save a little bit of money on the honeymoon.

Oh, yeah, she wanted to go on a romantic cruise. I got an unbelievable deal on

two weeks narrowboating down the Straits of Hormuz.

Bargain and a free fireworks display every night.

Honestly, though, it's like planning a royal wedding, literally, in that the

whole thing could be ruined if my uncle turns up.

We're doing that as well at the moment, the seating plan. That's very stressful,

right? I don't want to be too indiscreet, but we've got these two

guests coming, right, and they slept together, like, years ago, and now they

do not talk.

i know awkward i was like surely we put them at opposite ends of the marquee but

my fiance is insisting that my mum and dad sit together

it's so nice to be it's so nice to

be here this evening as well to have a little bit of a distraction thank you

because

I'm going to let you into a little secret.

Tonight is also the night that my fiancée is on her hen do, so it's really

nice to be here. Yeah, I'm here with you, Cracking Gags. She is currently in

Soho getting dry humped by one of Magic Mike.

Which also means that technically this is kind of my second stag. Oh, yeah!

We're going to have so much fun this evening, guys. Stick around for some

hilarious sketches and music from the amazing Georgia Smith!

Gary is still the highest scoring striker ever to play for Albion, and he

owes a lot to the first man ever to teach him to kick a ball, his old school

teacher, Ted Bagley.

He probably won't recognise me because he won't believe it's me.

Hello, Gary.

Long time no see.

Mr Bagley?

You all right?

I'm alive, he says.

How are you doing?

Someone said he was dead.

I'm so glad.

How well you've done for yourself?

He was so supportive.

He kind of had me as his special guy.

Hello, Gary.

Mrs Dodd?

Someone said he was dead.

Well, not as sprightly as he used to be, but still going.

Truth be told, I was only his substitute French teacher for a couple of weeks

when Monsieur Durand was helping the police with their inquiries. But we're

all so proud of Gary.

Hello.

Gary, son.

Dad, not hard to look, definitely dead.

Not yet, boy.

I saw you lied into the ground.

No, man, I was never in there.

I left his mother.

We agreed it were better he thought I was dead.

I'd only moved two streets over.

Hello, Gary.

My God.

It's the jogger I hit on that misty country lane.

I didn't show up with a brick before I fled the scene.

They ended up sticking a metal plate in me bonce.

That's freaky. He scored against what? First... Harambe.

Dobby. Master Gary.

I thought he was most dead as well.

I'm so proud of you, Master Gary.

people counting on us let's get fired up three points boys are we gonna do it we

got this let's score goals and have them score no goals all right hey guys hey

guys i'm just bringing in your mascots for the day now these are our lucky

competition winners say hello to the boys all right now once you've walked

out there and said hello to the big crowd i'll take you to mum and dad okay

Thanks, lads. You doing this, it really makes some of these kids' days. All

right. All right, lads, let's do this. Let's go!

Hey, guys, quick question before we go out.

Yes, Jonesy?

Does anyone want to swap kids?

LAUGHTER What do you mean,

swap kids?

Well, like, one of you guys walks out with my kid and I walk out with one of

your kids.

I don't like my one.

What's wrong with your one?

Well, look, something's off about it.

They're just kids, man. Let's get out there and play.

Yeah, but that's the thing, though. I feel like if I walk out there with this

one, I'm going to play badly.

That's ridiculous.

Who cares what kid you walk out with, man?

Well, if you don't care, why don't we swap?

No-one's swapping kids.

That's easy for you to say. You got a good one.

when we played fulham i got the worst one then too but i didn't say anything

and then i played really badly so this time i'm speaking up oh my god maybe we

should just swap out of kids are you serious just do it so we can get out

there fine but just so you know this is ridiculous there

happy thank you i really appreciate

it oh okay ready lads

Actually, no. What?

This one's worse.

Are you serious right now? Yeah, I'm going to be honest. Now that I've got

this one, I'm getting big adolescence vibes.

I couldn't tell from far away.

All right, well, I'm not swapping back, if that's what you're asking.

Yeah, of course you don't want to swap back. You tricked me into accepting an

absolute stinker and got away with it.

Well, that's your problem, isn't it? Hang on, bro. Did you willingly swap

kids knowing your one was worse than Jonesy's?

That's not on.

Yeah, not cool with Zen.

All right, so what have I did? I'm a captain. I stand at the front. I should

get one of the best kids.

Guys,

guys, this is getting toxic. We need a random reshuffle of the kids.

And that's bigger me to suggest, considering I've probably got the best

one I've had all season.

What are you talking about? You always get the good ones. I always get the bad

kids. That's not true.

Guys, guys, we had a good system when I was at Burnley. We wrote each kid on a

piece of paper and pulled them from a hat.

But... If you got man of the match the week before and you weren't happy with

your first kid, you were allowed for one to redraw.

It sounds all right.

Guys, guys, listen to yourselves.

This might sound crazy, but why don't we ask the kids who they want to go with?

They might have a favourite player. Could really make their day.

I vote for the Burnley system.

Right, Burnley system it is. I'll get a hat. Start the game without me.

and welcome to Mastermind with me, Clive Myrie.

I'm so good I can host quiz shows, but Stephen Mulhern could never read the

news.

Let's welcome our first contender.

Your name?

Ben Michael.

Your occupation?

Something in IT.

And your specialist subject?

Things my mum has told me about people I've never met and have no connection

to.

That's right, your mum Sue is a glorious gossiper who seems to know everything

about everyone.

In two minutes, your time starts now. Who recently had a tyre stolen off their

caravan whilst holidaying in Dorset?

Peggy and Len.

Yes, why does Linda from Pilates have an extra wheelie bin?

She got a free one by pretending to be a registered childminder.

Yes, whilst travelling by train, who did your second cousin Monica's driving

instructor think they saw?

Nick Knowles.

Yes, and for a bonus point, what was he eating?

Chicken from his jacket pocket.

Yes, in 2012, your mum's podiatrist, Helen, caught an eye infection from what

white liquid?

Out-of-date sun cream?

No, no, no, no, mayonnaise.

Why didn't Frank come to the pub last Friday? Because his gout flare-up means

he currently can't wear shoes.

Yes, what's this?

Oh, I know this. What is that? That is Lin's post-op scar.

No, Joe from number 17's brand-new patio. Ah, I knew that.

Who died last week?

Gillian of Gary and Gillian, who they met on a cruise 23 years ago.

Yes, and for a bonus point, what from?

Oh, Mum did tell me that.

Sorry, pass.

What noise has Mary and Martin's air fryer started making?

No, it's... On Tuesday, what piece of information

did your mum tell you not to put on the internet?

That Pat has a new gate.

Yes.

Why is Raoul the tree surgeon divorcing his wife?

Because she cheated on him.

I need you to be more specific.

With a very tall woman.

I'll accept that.

In what chain restaurant did Fiona's daughter get engaged?

Uh, Las Iguanas?

No, Turtle Bay.

Whose hair transplant hasn't taken?

Uh, Angela from next door's brother-in-law's husband's plumber's

sister's friend, Gary Fulcher.

Hey, that's me.

Yes, according to her doctor, I've started so I'll finish, who has a rare

glandular condition that makes her sweat smell exactly like gravy.

Angie from the co-op.

Yes, Ben, at the end of that round, you have ten points and one pass. The answer

was, of course, she was kicked to death by a horse.

Sorry, I was scrolling when she told me I should have paid attention.

That's why you must always listen to Mummy.

Thank you. Our next contender, please.

Your name?

Polly Holton.

Your occupation?

Something else in IT.

And your specialist subject?

Life-changing texts my dad has replied to with the thumbs-up emoji.

Dad, I'm going to art school.

What's that got to do with World War II?

Struggling to connect with your dad.

You're not alone.

Dads are scientifically proven to be amongst the hardest parents to connect

with. They're the trained Wi-Fi of people.

But have you ever wondered if maybe you've just got the wrong one?

Introducing DadSwap.

Using an advanced algorithm, DadSwap takes your hobbies and passions and

matches you with a brand new dad.

Bonjour, new son!

while rehoming your dad with someone more his speed.

My dad didn't know how to raise a girl, but Steve does.

Don't you, Steve?

I'm a girl dad now.

I'm a punk rocker, but all my boring old dad wanted to talk about was Bossa Nova.

Thanks to DadSwap, I found the punk daddy just for me.

My dad always struggled to accept my sexuality.

But now, thanks to DadSwap, I have a gay dad who has all the same hobbies as me.

One thing we didn't think about was how easy it would be to develop romantic

feelings for your new dad.

We both love to paint.

We've got so much to talk about.

And now, we're engaged.

I mean, they're both adults.

They're not... related so technically it is allowed it's not just gay dads i'm

also dating my new dad it's not illegal i know i said it technically allowed

but i'm saying i do not endorse this use of the app i

do understand how this has happened obviously a man has just moved into your

house You're both emotionally vulnerable.

He's got all the same hobbies as you. He's just left his wife. You're spending

more and more time together.

I've invested so much money in this app.

I have absolutely f***ed it.

I downloaded DadSwap and traded my dad for a guy my own age.

That's not a dad.

That's a boyfriend.

There's other apps for doing that. This one is for swapping dads.

DadSwap. If it happened, it happened.

It's not illegal. I know.

Here we are on the

18th hole.

You could cut the tension with a knife.

We're not whispering. This is just as loud as our voices can go.

You're joining us at the Masters. We're at the end of a marathon playoff.

between Ian Connor and Sven Nielsen.

And Ian Connor is just one part away from his first Masters title.

Here goes.

And he's finally done it. Look how much it means to him. Amazing.

And here comes his wife.

Oh, look at the emotion.

Oh, and a lovely little kiss there.

Beautiful scenes.

Here comes his trusty caddy, Bruce Atkins.

They've been together for years.

That's lovely.

And, ooh, looks like they're sharing a little kiss as well.

Fantastic scenes.

Oh, and here's Sven Nielsen, his opponent. He fought so valiantly today,

a true competitor.

Big handshake there. What a gentleman. Oh, yeah, a consoling kiss for him too.

What sportsmanship.

Amazing scenes. And here comes Sven's wife.

Oh, yeah, it looks like she's sharing a little kiss with Ian too.

And now Ian's wife is stepping back onto the green. And she's, yeah, she's

sharing a little kiss with her husband's opponent.

But will the wives go in for a kiss too? Yeah, oh, oh, they will. Yes, and now

they're, oh, yeah, they're all sharing little kisses with each other.

This is what golf is all about.

Yes, the atmosphere here is electric.

Oh, and what's happening now is that, yeah, it looks like they're all swapping

keys.

That's a big step for any polycule.

Some might say they're moving too fast, but the crowd are loving it.

Incredible scenes here on the 18th green.

Oh, yeah. It looks like they're taking part in a commitment ceremony, promising

to treat each other with respect and always maintain open communication.

What a weekend of golf this is turning out to be.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

Oh, and what's happening now?

I think that, yeah, they have. They've ordered a super king-size mattress.

But they can all sleep on together.

That's the biggest mattress size you can get. Amazing scenes.

Yeah, and you have to assume they're going to go for the classic arrangement,

boy, girl, boy, girl.

Absolutely.

They're watching Masters at work. And they're signing for the package.

Oh, yeah, now he's giving a lovely, damaging kiss.

Oh, here come the wives.

They're sharing a little kiss with the delivery driver too.

But, whoa, it looks like there's no little kiss for Ian.

unprecedented scenes, and oh, it looks like now the other three members are

explaining to Ian that he's being replaced in the polycule by the delivery

guy.

Golf can be such a cruel sport.

It truly can.

It truly, truly can.

And, oh, what's this?

It looks like Ian's taken his phone out. I think he's, yep, he's getting back on

the apps.

Yeah, he's looking for some rebound sex.

And can you blame him after the day he's had? First he bogeyed the fifth hole,

then he opened up his marriage and ruined his life.

What's this?

Looks like he's found a match. You're right. Is that... It is. It's Bruce

Atkins. His old caddy.

Amazing. Those two have so much to do together.

But finally they can consummate their unspoken love.

What a day.

What a day of golf we have witnessed. It just goes to show sometimes the love of

your life can be right underneath your nose.

Maybe it's someone you've been working with for years and years, but you can't

bring yourself to say anything for fear of rejection.

Well, I've seen enough golf to know that sometimes those feelings are

reciprocated and the other person is just waiting for the first person to

make a move.

Well, that's it for the golf today.

Join us next week for the live tournament in Saudi Arabia where we

won't be invited. Good night.

Ladies and gentlemen, Georgia Smith.

Amen.

Prime Minister Keir Starmer finally arrived in the Gulf region this week,

just in time for the evening due of the Iran war.

Starmer, seen here describing his favourite shape of tube, was accompanied

on the trip by a team of reporters.

And after spending three days with Keir Starmer, they might be the first

journalists in Saudi Arabia to kill themselves.

Due to security constraints... Starmer was only able to travel with a small

number of journalists, or what the Saudi Crown Prince would call a suitcase full.

In the UAE, after 70 Brits have been jailed after filming missile strikes,

which is a useful reminder to put your phone away and just enjoy missile

strikes in the moment.

Disgraced former minister and friend of Jeffrey Epstein, Peter Mandelson, seen

here connecting his cock to Bluetooth.

has been fined £300 for urinating in public.

I feel sorry for Mandelson. We've all been there.

Not there, Jesus.

I may have needed a wee.

This morning, the Artemis II mission returned to Earth.

Mission commander Reid Wiseman said there were, quote, no adjectives to

describe what they observed on the moon.

May I suggest Mooney?

managed to speak to the crew on the phone this week while they were on the

other side of the moon. So remember, girls, if he wanted to, he would.

Artemis II splashed down successfully in the Pacific Ocean. It was called a

monumental achievement by the scientific community and the darkest day in our

history by the pod of dolphins it smashed into.

Rishi Sunak has posted a photo of himself on crutches after, quote...

showing off to his daughters on an Easter skiing trip.

Well, I don't know who this Rishi Sunak fellow is, but get well soon.

The Grand National took place today, and in a weekend update exclusive, we have

the winner of the race with us in the studio. It's Paul Townend.

Hello, everyone.

Good evening.

Paul, firstly, congratulations on the win. What was it like out there?

Well, to be fair...

for me.

First couple of fences I found tricky, but after a few furlongs I pushed

through and took the trophy.

Oh, sorry, did I interrupt?

Hi! Can we help you?

No, it's weird, I just thought this was an interview with the winner of the

Grand National, and then I turn up, and you're chatting to this free-riding

prick.

Sorry, who are you?

My name's Aya Maximus, right? The horse that actually won the Grand National?

No, you're the horse I rode to win the Grand National.

The absolute cheek of this guy.

What exactly did you contribute?

I'm 6% body fat, I can run at 35 miles an hour. I got a dick like a Pringles

tube, by the way.

So, what was your skill set again? Oh, yes, being four foot nine.

How dare you?

How dare you?

Guys, guys, guys, guys.

Let's not ruin the good name of horses being forced to run for our pleasure.

Well, I worked hard, too. It's gruelling.

Spray my elbow.

Oh, yeah, you sprained your elbow and what happened?

They'd cover you up in a white tent and shoot you. Yeah, I thought not.

That's standard practice.

You don't get it, do you, you little gerbil?

You don't know what it's like out there, man.

Brutal heat, scary jumps.

Not to mention, you're with me.

I told you, I wasn't into that. I made my boundaries very clear.

Nay means nay.

Oh, Maximus, I'm sorry.

I didn't know you felt that way.

Is there anything I can do?

Let me ride you.

What?

Let me ride you.

Here.

Live on Sky TV.

And stream the next day on Peacock.

Yeah. Let me know the thrill of commanding another.

Okay, just this once.

Get on.

How's it feel?

Good, yeah.

Is that a Pringles tube in your pocket? We're right!

We're going after the winners, everyone!

Ringo Starr has claimed that broccoli is what helped him tour at the age of 85.

That and having been in a band called The Beatles.

New research from Oxford University.

has found that artificial intelligence can be used to detect fat that is

otherwise invisible to the human eye.

Who do you think you are, my mum?

Controversial US surveillance firm Palantir has been given access to

details of 1.5 million NHS employees.

It's insane.

Giving the keys to our health system to Palantir, a sinister military contractor

with links to the CIA, which makes billions...

from targeting systems for drone strikes is such a great idea.

I love Palantir.

Palantir, driving productivity across the UK through AI-powered software.

Steve?

Steve Wainwright, a retired engineer and DIY enthusiast from Peterborough...

has become obsessed with making oversized models of everyday objects.

Well done, Steve.

Here's your medication.

What time is it? It's prison time!

That's right.

X Factor's Chico has been sentenced for drink driving.

After giving an emotional speech to court, he's got the jury's vote. But

will he impress the judges?

effort to protect hedgehogs, officials in Germany are planning to ban the

nighttime use of automatic lawnmowers, or as German hedgehogs call them,

Nachtkunst.

The Welsh town of Ebbw Vale has been named Britain's fattest town, much to

the annoyance of its mayor.

These labels don't help us. They're outdated and quite frankly offensive, he

said, fatly.

Italian researchers have conducted tests on the Shroud of Turin.

The linen cloth in which Jesus is believed to have been buried. Their

findings reveal traces of DNA, including those of cats and carrots.

Feline companions and root vegetables.

So Jesus was living as a bisexual woman.

A ferry service in Southampton has gone into liquidation.

Well, yeah, that's how boats work.

Oxfordshire police are hunting a shopper who defecated on a shop shelf in

Banbury. The suspect is described as really needing a shit in Banbury.

Unfortunately, for a nearby John Lewis, they had to match it.

On Thursday, K-pop band BTS kicked off their $1 billion world tour on the back

of their hit single, Swim.

But my question is...

Don't ask me.

I'm not really into K-pop.

Reporters found almost two-thirds of Gen Z say they go out less than before.

Here to tell us what's really going on is our Gen Z correspondent, Annabelle

Marlowe-Jackson!

Hi, Paddy. Hi.

What the hell is going on with Gen Z?

It's simple.

Every Friday night, Gen Z like to... Huff a little glue and show a little

nip.

And that's Gen Z.

Let's break it down for him. On Friday, we... Go to Hyde Park in Leeds, split

the G and practice our bird noises.

Show them, girl!

Ow! Ow!

Ow!

Gen Z love making sound effects.

Jack can do a gunshot from really far away.

Show them, girl!

impression of saying thanks to a waiter when you're mid-convo

but

why did gen z like sound effects because we're expressing our gender of course

gen z loves gender i express my gender by looking like claire balding if she

were a vampire weekend fan and i express my gender by being a girl at the

pub sorry

Instead of clubbing, Gen Z are doing what exactly?

Well, they're going to the black and white pictures.

Roll out the cup and have a little cigarette.

And then we post a link to an infographic about gay rights. And

wrongs. I'll tell you what's gay wrong. These titties.

Maybe it's just you two.

No, no, no.

don't know how much more obvious we can make this. Gen Z love to... Huff a

little glue, show a little nip, and call in a bomb threat.

I still don't get what Gen Z like.

I'll tell you what we like, you rude old bitch.

We love the music of Steely Dan, Catcher in the Rye, and the work of character

actor Bob Hoskins.

The Long Good Friday, now that was a key.

We love making that noise too.

I think I get it now. Gen Z like to... Half-glue, show-knit, bonkrat.

Jack Sheppard on and on!

And now the kids are asleep. It's about to get even better. Ooh.

Happy anniversary, Wendy.

Happy anniversary, my love.

Well, well, well.

If Wendy, darling, hasn't found herself another lost boy.

Oh, my God. Peter, is that you?

Surprise!

Did you miss me?

Clearly not, because you never bloody called.

Who's this pirate?

Captain... Can't grow a beard.

He's not a pirate, Peter. He's my husband.

Oh, wow.

What does husband do?

Professional loser?

I'm a neurosurgeon.

Great. Neurosurgeon. Tell me this, mate.

Can you fly?

No. Didn't think so.

Hold my beer.

To the skies!

That's a stupid place to put that.

Wendy, who is this?

I might have dressed like homeless Robin Hood.

Hey, relax, Chief. I'm just an old flame.

Wendy and I used to go all the way to Mounheim back in the day, if you know

what I mean.

Sex. Yes, we got that.

What are you doing here, Peter?

Well, I just popped by, didn't I? To let you know that I am crushing it.

And what exactly are you crushing?

Shut your mouth, you piece of virgin.

Listen, Wendy, why don't you sack off this absolute mood hoover and come with

me? Let us fly!

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

OK, don't worry, I'll pay for that.

Peter, you've really got to go. It's been 40 years, I'm married, I've got

children. Yeah, I know, that's great, cos I've got a girlfriend too, so... Do

you? No.

Oh, God, you're really not doing well.

No, I'm not.

Neverland sucks now.

The Lost Boys got found.

Smee got long COVID.

Tinkerbell's on OnlyFans.

Oh, Peter.

Whoa!

That one's on me. I misjudged that. You need to leave now. Okay, fine.

Yes, I'm leaving.

I've got things to do anyway, because as I said, crushing it.

Sure you don't want to come with me?

Nope, that's fine. Didn't want you anyway.

Up on!

Thank you. Thank you.

There we are.

Just take the stairs.

Thank you.

Love you.

Oh, God, I'm so sorry about him.

Listen, those days are in the past. There's no-one I'd rather be with than

you. Don't worry about it. We've all got weird exes.

Happy anniversary, Wendy.

Happy anniversary, love.

Now, that hasn't spoiled the mood, has it?

Of course not.

Now, where were we?

Where were we?

Just checking.

Room for a little one?

I'll go on.

Let's vibe!

Welcome back. We're cooling down in here with Helen Birch.

I'm Helen Birch.

Well, we can hardly avoid the topic, so I'd like to state for the record that I

am by no means a fan of the renaming of this program.

It's true that I have occasionally fallen down some hills, but it's my view

the program needn't have been retitled to reflect that fact.

So I hope you'll forgive me if I occasionally refer to the program by its

original title for the first 14 series.

That's Helen Birch's Birches of St. Helens.

Now, on with the program.

We're here, as ever, just on the outskirts of St Helens, very nearly into

Haddock Village proper, which is just beyond the brow of this hill.

And here's a lovely birch I found. Oh, no, wait, wait, wait, no!

Once again, Georgia Smith.

I'll fill the rain and turn the pain into

gold

your treacherous impetuous your quarter i'll take your

hand

I wish we didn't live in the 1930s so that I could be lesbian and you could be

a gay.

Thank goodness we married one another.

This way we're able to live our sordid homosexual lives in secret while still

falling in with polite society.

I'm frightfully nervous to meet your mother.

Perhaps she might suspect us.

No, you mustn't fret, Judith. She'll be none the wiser, providing we remain

subtle and discreet.

Well, soil my knickers!

You big Nancy.

Excuse my appearance, I slept in a graveyard.

Mind if I stick my shoes off hills with blood?

Robert, who might this curious character be?

Oh, Judith, this is Henry, my cousin.

Cousin? Do love with your cousin, do you?

you're at the glass slipper. One minute we're doing the quick step. Next thing

you know, we're stepping quickly into each other's holes.

Hey, please.

I told you about my wife, Judith.

Oh, please. I can spot a lesbo from a mile away.

Love the dress, pal.

Anyway,

I'm off to powder my schnoz.

By which, of course, I do mean do 1930s cocaine.

Your mother will have you arrested.

He seems excitable at first, but he will calm down. Ooh, cake!

I won't have a thing for dinner, though.

I pray he doesn't make a scene.

Henry, please!

Just eat this cake behind this door.

Robert.

Well, look lively.

Aren't you going to greet your poor mother?

Oh, mother.

Yes, sorry. This is Judith, my wife, who my intercourse.

Ah, yes. The mysterious Judith.

Rather a plain thing, isn't she?

Eyes so far apart, you'd think she was prey.

But still.

Good solid hips.

Thank you, Mrs. Fenwick.

I suppose I could approve.

Oh, mother, really?

Did anyone see the thing with the cake?

Robert,

do you know this man?

Mother, I have never met this bombastic pervert in all my life. Just ignore him,

Mrs. Fenwick. Young lady, when I desire your opinion, I'll be sure to give your

head a good firm slap until one comes tumbling out your ears.

Okay, I'm laughing.

I don't do jokes.

Well, darling, it seems your son does.

trying to introduce my homely wife to my difficult mother, and it was all going

rather well until you minced in here. So would you please kindly piss off?

Robert!

This colourful freak is the most interesting person I've ever met.

You'd do well to find yourself a girl like him.

But what about my tiny wife?

1932 days!